Livebloggenning the Election, Episode 4 More Years: Return Of The Jedi President

  We're Gonna Make Him Stay Up All Night

Say, did we mention that we really, REALLY like saying “Senator-Elect Elizabeth Warren”? It’s an awfully good phrase, don’t you think?

Here we are at the fourth installment of this marathon, and Virginia, Ohio, and Florida are all still in “godknowswhat” status. See our earlier rundowns: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. And for godssakes, if you’re in Los Angeles, get your butt to the Wonkette Party!

11:15 MSNBC CALLS OHIO AND THE ELECTION FOR OBAMA

Kris. he won HE WON WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO NORMAL !
Kris. OUR LIVES, THEY WILL GO BACK TO WHAT PASSES FOR NORMAL NOW!
Kaia M. ohio for obama on fox!
Kaia M. bile choking all over the place.
Josh F. YES!!!!!
Josh F. OHIO MOTHERFUCKER
Josh F. FUCK YOU FLORIDA YOU CAN SUCK A DICK
Kaia M. wish i could tell if brit hume had a sad face. :(

11:20 Kaia M. fox projecting obama re-election!
Kris. is romney scribblng his concession speech on a napkin right no?
Rich A. Wow
Kaia M. with the graphics and the everything.
Kris. FUCK YEAH. ou know it’s real when fox calls it. sadly.
Rich A. CNN called it for Barry too
Blair B. FINALLY
Rich A. John King is humping is superscreen
Josh F. BTW nate silver has not missed a state yet BTW
Rich A. Twitter will be pretty much useless for about 12 hours

11:25:

What? Wrong guy’s song?

11:26 Josh F. wishes to add that he is 100% pro dick-sucking, and is sorry he used it disparagingly

11:28 Kaia M. BO just tweeted “four more years.”
Josh F. i just got a one-word text from my dad that said “yes”
Kaia M. joke from twitter, nate silver making his acceptance speech in about 20 minutes.

11:36: Donald Trump is being statesmanlike, as usual:
trump takes a conciliatory tone

11:39 MSNBC reports that Romney is not ready to concede Ohio. (Nuance Update: OK, that the Romney Campaign is not yet ready to concede Ohio)

11:45 Hey kids, remember to celebrate safely!

Ain't no party like a Rainbow Dash Party!

11:54 kristina b. What if Romney is like “I’m not coming out! Fuck him. Obama is STUPID the whole thing is STUPID and I’m not coming out and you can’t make me so THERE!”

And Rachel Maddow on MSNBC notes that Karl Rove is now on Fox, asking the network to rescind its projection of Ohio for Obama…in favor of the candidate that Karl Rove bankrolled.

11:57 Josh F. Brian Williams just referred to “the five ohios inside the one ohio” #zen

12:02 Good Morning! Durn it, Jeff Flake won AZ Senate over Richard Carmona

Josh F. Barack Obama just emailed my wife to tell her that he’s about to speak to the crowd in chicago but wanted to thank her first

12:05 Kaia M. repub line seems to be NO MANDATE.

Dok Z. Well of course not. Man dates could lead to gay marriages

12:15 In other races! Same-sex marriage looks like a done deal in MD, leading in ME and WA Wingnut heads to commence essplodin’ shortly. HOW COULD THEY LOSE WHEN THEY ARE SO SINCERE? Also, say goodbye to the American Patriarchy Association’s talking point that “every time it’s gone before the voter’s dhey marriage been defeated.”

12:20: Josh F. Brian Williams just said Donald Trump has “driven well past the last exit to relevance” … then he read all of Trump’s tweets extremely sarcastically and said “So there you have that. That happened.”

12:25 Here is a photo of the Romney HQ from the NY Times:

Romney HQ

12:30 Kaia and Kristina are calling it a night and departing the ChatCave! Kaia’s final note: “Fingers crossed i don’t wake up to hear john kerry actually did win.”

12:35 Rich A:ALLEN WEST IS BEHIND
Rich A. 97.4 percent in
Rich A. murphy is up by 1,004 votes, 50.2 to 49.8
Rich A. i’m sorry all my hopes and dreams are on this race. I hate Allen West to the point that I would rather not get to write about him anymore than have him in charge of shit
Rich A. I think I peed a little

The Excitement Continues! Florida: Alan Grayson Wins his seat back! Illinois: Vile fucktoad Joe Walsh loses to Real American Hero Tammy Duckworth! Minnesota: Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann too close to call!

New Important Post by Rich Abdil on Donald Trump’s Tweesonous Tweats, and coming up NOW, more Liveblogging by Josh Fruhlinger! (Spoiler: Expect a Romney Concession!)

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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656 comments

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        And done! And FL and VA both look like O+1ish. Was our possibly gay pretend BF Nate Silver maybe a bit conservative in his projections?

        (Nah, spot-on, as usual.)

  1. glasspusher

    Thanks for the shot of our favorite SILF. You know what they say about the big leagues: The hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains.

      1. Terry

        Me, too. He's smart, strong, and has his heart in the right place.

        Barry, hon, please close the Gitmo detention center. It's a stain on our national soul.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      And you know what's smoky on both ends and High in the middle? Legalized dope is up by 10 points in WA sate. That's without hardly any of the big city votes counted, just teh conservative rural counties.

      Your move, feds.

      Be funny to see Bamz abolish the DEA by executive order, by, oh, say, tomorrow afternoon.

    1. viennawoods13

      My g-g-g-g-g grandfather used to tag along on scalping raids into the Ohio valley. Never had a high opinion of the place but hey.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes…and eat a big bag of heavily salted, brandy-infused and flame broiled rat dicks too, Romney…teabaggers, faux…every right wing racist fuckhead on the net!

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Shit. I gave a whoop when McCaskill was declared winner over Akin and everyone at my party was like ??? "Why do you care about a senator from MO?"

          Not a single ONE of them had heard about the 'legitimate rape' bullshit. They were freaking shocked.

          Sheltered lives, out here in our west coastal rainforest paradise.

          1. NellCote71

            Luckily, my dog was the only one hear my whoops and curses, a d i gave her an anti-axiety piil.BTW, as a Dordogne cave crawler. any expression of pre-history manifestation of human expression brings me to my knees.

          2. Lascauxcaveman

            Well, son. That's what I allus say, I say "If I'm about anything at all, I'm all about expression of pre-history manifestation of human expression," or whatever it was you all said.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Hah…I wonder if someone has informed him yet…wish there was a video of his quavering jowels…it's the only time seeing Yurtle will be worth it. I can't wait to watch cockhead Romney concede, by the way…"I'm still talking, you'll get your chance"…not anymore, BITCH.

      1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Yes…I guess the big question is, how many more times does Karl Rove have to be discredited before wingnuts realize he's a pile of shit with nothing to offer aside from amoral asshollery? I would have thought 2006 and 2008 would have done it, but maybe Romney losing, Sherrod Brown winning (in spite of the enormous amounts of cash the fat little fucker plopped into defeating him), Alan Grayson winning, Allen West losing and the GOP losing seats in the house and Senate…if this doesn't do it they truly are redtards….

      1. Barbara_

        I was thinking of you the second it was announced. My phones started to ring, twitter blew up, text messages started to fly and I had to take a moment and give thanks to Sarah Plain for being a twat waffle on twitter.

      1. Barbara_

        Terry, Trump is going apeshit on Twitter, calling for a "revolution" The only revolution he's aware of is when Jeeves flips his mattress in his very, very, very nice house in every state of the U.S.A.

        1. bobbert

          Strangely, I have no memory of Donald Dump remarking on the discrepancy between the popular and electoral vote in 2000.

  2. redarmyzombie

    "Kay, if I'm getting this right, then the Electoral Tally tus far is 'Bammerz-275, Willard-205…

    Perhaps too early to call just yet, but Oh Frabjous Day!!

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes…there won't be any mega sirens for this one. I wonder if anyone would take a moment to go inform Malkin that Romney lost hahaha

  3. ElPinche

    ¸.•´ Congratulations President Obama!!!
    `•.¸ )
    ¸.•)´ *
    (.•´`*4 more for 44!!
    *.*´¨)
    .•´,•*´¨)¸.•*¨)
    ¸.•´¸.•*´¨­)
    (¸.•´ (¸.•` * ¸.•´¸.•*´¨­)
    ……~~~~~/…..~~~~~/
    …….~~~~/…….~~~~/
    ……..~~~/………~~~/
    ………~~/………..~~/
    ……….~/………… ~/
    ………..||…………….||
    ………..||…………….||
    ………..||…………….||
    ……./****………../****…..
    *****************************
    eh…the ascii art is all fucked up , but you get the idea. Hells yeah!!!

  4. comrad_darkness

    WHOA HOT DAMN

    All right people. Time to get rid of the antiquated silly, undemocratic electoral college.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes or maybe the story of Super-Hit the horse. My dog made me join "dogs against Romney" by the way…kept growling at me until I did.

    1. DustyBowlBlues

      I tried for a few minutes, just to see whom and what they were blaming for this loss but then they brought on Dukakis campaign manager, which is a pretty far reach to find a Dem. He was a sad old drag queen with a 2-packs-a-day-for-fifty-years gravel voice. With that as their token Democrat, I had to turn it off.

    2. comrad_darkness

      How old is Murdoch anyway? From the looks of him, If he were a dog we'd be planning for that last trip to the vet. With votes, of course.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      dibs on collecting Limbaughs tears of frustration and failure…if only he'd just keel over tomorrow while he whines….I think after tonight overweight and obese scooter-riding honkey Southern teabaggers are officially over

    2. glamourdammerung

      Let the whining begin!

      It started a couple of hours back. Along with the "Republicans lost because they were not derpy enough".

  5. Barbara_

    Yes Jeffer, you may turn on Fox News. It seems that Obama won because of "negative advertising." Yes, Romney was so positive.

    1. Jeffer

      Back to Comedy Central once Colbert comes on. It's fun watching Turdblossom saying the race isn't over yet. I waiting for him to stroke out.

  6. JohnnyQuick

    I could run a marathon in Ryan time!!! Ohhh did Ryan lose his House Seat??? I would be all kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Tried faux newz dotcom, but they had given up half an hour ago. Sadly, the star douchebags don't seem to be broadcast on the net.

  7. kakotechnia

    I just don't know what the hell to make of Tom Brokaw chastising Republicans for not running a properly "postmodern" campaign.

  8. doloras

    The only thing I'm still watching for is Florida and Virginia. If they both go Hopey, Nate Silver is 100% accurate, like _The Human Centipede_ movie.

  9. BloviateMe

    Big question: do we make sweet, slow love to Mitt's concession speech, or violently have our way with it, and not even leave money on the coffee table on our way out?

    FUCK YOU MITT, VERY MUCH.

    1. tessiee

      May I suggest that PRESIDENT Obama take out his dick and slap MItt across the face with it, back and forth, back and forth?

  10. MozakiBlocks

    When MSNBC called it I screamed so loud that all three dogs started barking.

    Damn, it feels so good!!!

    1. Biff

      Many dogs in my decidedly rural 'hood also started barking at that moment. I thought it had something to do with Fraü Blücher.

  11. zumpie

    Miss zumpie, jr says her ears hurt from my screaming! And there are some very, very loooooong faces on Faux!!!

  12. YerMa

    What a beautiful day. Warren, Baldwin, Duckworth, McCaskill, Grayson, Pocan… Who else?

    I'm in tears, guys.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      Don't forget the marriage equality and recreational marijuana initiatives that have passed! Not that I *ahem* care but legalizing weed is the most important step toward dismantling the private prison machine that is one of the biggest threats to our freedoms!

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Romney crew still not believing the Ohio call.

    Edit: Oooh, only 999 difference in votes. I detect the unseen hand of Herman Cain.

    1. DoktorThompson

      Damn. What an unlucky hand Fate dealt you to be related to Trump, Palin, Akin, Walsh, and Romney.

  14. proudgrampa

    WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
    HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Congratulations, Mr, President!!!!!

    BTW, Ms proudgrampa is unpacking her suitcase: we're gonna stay here for at least the next 4 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. redarmyzombie

      Dear Ohio,

      Were it within my power to do so at this moment, I would give handjobs to every last one of you.

    1. Kgprophet

      Let this be a lesson to those like Slick Willard.
      No Show Tax Returns. No President.
      No Job Plan Details. No President.
      No Details about any Plans. No President.

  15. OzoneTom

    Between Husted, and Romney voting machines, who knows?

    I'll feel better when the remaining uncalled states start falling to the non-dark side.

  16. proudgrampa

    And congratulations to Elizabeth Warren: honey, I supported you from the beginning, and you deserve your fantastic win!!!!!! Enjoy it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Love,

    proudgrampa

  17. doloras

    Hmmm. If Rmoney wins the popular vote, wingnuts calling for Electoral College abolition in 3… 2… 1…

    Seriously, this is the dead end of the Southern Strategy. There's only so many 80% majorities you can pile up in Buttfuck, Oklahoma, and similar places, because you also need to win in states where it's not 1953 anymore.

    1. bobbert

      Wingers will NEVER call for Electoral College abolition, because we'd take them up on it in a fucking nanosecond. The EC totally favors the less-populated (i.e., wingnut-heavy) states. Even if Rmoney won this popular vote (which he won't — there are still a lot of votes to count in California), we'd take that as a temporary setback.

  18. Biff

    I wish I knew what radio station limpballs is on so I could listen to him spank America for being stupid, unlike himself?

    No, I don't really want to listen to him, at all.

    1. LePiston

      My husband surprised me with Twix, and don't those types of things just make you love perfect spouses even more?

  19. Barbara_

    Not awesome Facebook rant:
    We will only survive this second term by the grace of GOD. The destroyer of America has been re-elected. What a nation of sheep we are being lead to slaughter. If someone could give me one positive item to be taken from tonight, I would be happy to listen. My only comfort is this is part of GODs plan. This nation has drifted to far from almighty GOD.
    ———————————–
    Fuck you, you hateful dweeb.

    1. Terry

      Sour grapes.

      Yes, this God's Plan and its opposite of what those folks who say they know God's mind. Funny that.

    2. CindynEncinitas

      Wasn't it God who sent the hurricane to derail the momentum of Mittens, Lord High Hairgel? Sword cuts both ways, bitches!

    3. bobbert

      There's gonna be a shit-ton of that. All I can say is, this election indicates that there is a slim majority of sane persons in the US, and we have to try to build from that,

  20. glamourdammerung

    Republicans losing those easy Senate pickups and the White House?

    You all built that. Legitimately.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      Rich people aren't very good at being told that they can't get what they want. Boo fucking hoo, bee-otch!

    1. Yellerdawg

      What I love is that we are all watching the same stuff like the old days when there were only three networks.

  21. BumbleKid

    I fucking love this country.

    Assholes try to steal our votes? We vote MORE! Corporations spend millions trying to make us vote against our own interests? We say fuck you!

    Seriously guys, I'm tearing up. I fucking love America.

    1. Yellerdawg

      And THAT is what the other side will never understand, is that we can fundamentally disagree with them and STILL fucking love America. Bless you.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      Begging your pardon, but Stone Mint Chocolate Imperial Stout and Ruination IPA with habanero was how I celebrated. Beer Week in San Diego, dontcha know. An embarrassment of riches tonight!

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      OMG THOSE are the riots I heard about if Bamz loses………….or wins……….or
      ……….have another beer………..

  22. VodkaGoGo

    Fox: But, but we're still a center-right nation, right? And the fiscal cliff!! What about the fiscal cliff?

  23. Biel_ze_Bubba

    CNN has a feed from the Miffed Money HQ… that's a whiter crowd than even the Bruins usually get.

  24. Powerpuff_Grl

    2008 win – Malia (and Sasha) got a puppy.

    2012 win – Does this mean that Malia gets to have her prom in the Rose Garden?

  25. SayItWithWookies

    The FOX idiots right now — "The administration has suppressed the military vote." Yeah, that would've thrown the election to Romney. They've also run a few minutes with "Romney won the popular vote." Al Gore feels your pain, sweeties.

  26. BoroPrimorac

    Nate Silver just took out his cock and put it where Joe Scarborough's mustache will start growing as of tomorrow.

  27. doloras

    LOL@Trumpy. Where were you in 2000, Mr Popular Vote Should Decide It? And isn't it the Repuggies who are always saying, no, we're NOT a democracy, we're a Republic?!?

    But on the other hand, let's wait to see all California's votes come in before we decide who won the popular vote.

      1. glasspusher

        I would do pay per view to hear Palin's concession speech. I'd want a DVD, but the money would have to go to a charity, like planned parenthood…

    1. docterry6973

      Barry won't claim victory until Romney concedes and Romney won't concede. I believe that we will see just how small a man Mitt Romney really is.

  28. Barbara_

    Lady Gaga's Tweet speaks for me:
    Lady Gaga ‏@ladygaga
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRHRGRGRGRRRGURBHJB EORWPSOJWPJORGWOIRGWSGODEWPGOHEPW09GJEDPOKSD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0924QU8T63095JRGHWPE09UJ0PWHRGW

  29. Yellerdawg

    They threw everything they had. Four years of hate, obstruction, professional grade false outrage, and it was all for nothing. Fuck those fuckers. They have nothing more to offer.

  30. Terry

    Romney campaign "not prepared to concede to President Obama".

    Mitt needs to sack up and behave honorably

    1. DustyBowlBlues

      A privileged prep school bully like MIttens can't even spell honorably, let alone start pretending he can do either tonight, of all nights.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      He had his victory speech all scrawled out on it, and then the mean black man came and shook it up.

      1. VodkaGoGo

        No, I thoroughly enjoyed it too. I'm also the kind of person that thinks its funny that she is balding.

      1. VodkaGoGo

        She was on Fox, but I dont think Fox News. Is Shep Smith doing the Fox coverage? I don't have cable so I'm not sure if it's different. Check your local Fox affiliate. Shep is actually pretty hilarious and condescending to his super sad panel.

  31. BadKitty904

    In 1965, my great-grandmother, a little, old Southern lady, was arrested in Atlanta for supporting the civil rights and the equality of ALL Americans.

    Forty-seven years later, I have had the privilege of helping RE-ELECT the first black president in American history. Despite our many problems, I still think this is a pretty special country… :0)

    "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that ALL men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

      1. BadKitty904

        She rests with others of my family, in our plot. We take good care that she's looked after and not forgotten.

        "She, being dead, yet speaks"

    1. yyyaz

      I'll add only that we have taken another step toward that day when we are all judged only by the content of our character.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      As Doc Zoom has discovered in his Sunday school studies, the fundies aren't at all happy about that "pursuit of happiness" business. In the dark and moldy corners of their souls, they really hate Thomas Jefferson.

  32. AlterNewt

    Andrew Sullivan is telling Steven Colbert that he wants to lick his 'tears of unfathomable sadness".

  33. BoroPrimorac

    Look at fucking Krauthammer. He's saying that Obama doesn't have a mandate and that he should govern like Clinton. Fuck off, you horrible cunt.

    1. docterry6973

      Can you believe these asses? You didn't beat us by enough so you have to give us what we want. FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU RIGHT-WING BASTARDS.

      Barry will be all gracious and even-tempered, cool as always. I wouldn't, which I guess is why I am here and he is there.

  34. doloras

    Crap, I have to go to football practice soon so I might miss Mitten's concession speech, which I predict will run: "ERROR ERROR DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMPUTE DOES NOT COMP…" *puff of smoke* *explosion*

  35. Mittens Howell, III

    Romney's team REFUSING to concede Ohio.

    They have a crack team working on re-baptizing the election in Romney's favor.

  36. Barbara_

    Donald Trump is calling for a "revolution in this country." Jeeves, lay out something nice for me to wear as I watch you go revolt for me.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Bring it on, Donny. Bring it on. Asshole doesn't realize there's exactly one doorman between him and everybody on the street.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Oh thank god. I always make the mistake of looking at results right away when only the yahoo counties with 3 voters in them have reported.

  37. Goonemeritus

    Should we really be spiking the ball now, souldn't we be sensitve to the feeling we might hurt over at Breitbart's Blog?

    1. Barbara_

      Breitbart is dead, a shark ate Bin Laden's dick, and Palin is watching her Pay Pal account in the hopes of her followers sending their last nickels. It's over.

  38. poorgradstudent

    My conservative pal (not the far-right Catholic I always talk about!) posted to his blog a picture of Nobammers with the caption "America did not get the President it needed, but it got the President it deserved." So four more years of conservatives whining about getting a moderate Republican as President!

  39. ChuckieJesus

    Per my one cool Republican friend, Romney's still got the pop vote by 200K right now. I expressed nuance by saying that I still thought the electoral college was pretty damn bogus anyway, win or lose.

  40. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Charles Krauthamer, the evil little gnome of Conserviatism, is pouting on FOX News. Romney was a New England liberal, and that is not what the GOP is about. We had a very weak field, but a very strong bench.

    Yeah, got to love your strong bench that sat out against the Kenyan/Muslim usurper. Better luck against Hillary in '16.

    1. BoroPrimorac

      Mike Pence will run for president on the GOP ticket in 2016. Even I know more about republican back benchers than Charles Krauthammer.

    1. BadKitty904

      True. I pay my taxes, like other Americans, I obey the law, like other Americans, and I'd kinda like to enjoy the same rights as other Americans, too.

      1. poorgradstudent

        Huffington Post has got the results on one handy page: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/06/gay-marr

        The pro-gay marriage crowd is winning in all states except Minnesota, which sucks, but, hey, three more states I can get married in after I finish my degree ain't bad.

        By the way, we should do something to get together all the Wonkette queers, online at least.

  41. Steverino247

    Obama ahead in Florida, Virginia and Colorado, so even if Mitt is able to pick up and shake Ohio, he still loses.

    1. docterry6973

      He could lose his TV show and Lawrence O'Donnell has claimed that Trump needs that cash income really badly.

  42. Wadisay

    Please permit me to use this medium to send a personal message to Mitch McConnell: Suck a bag of rat dicks, turtle-face.

  43. ChickTract_Fil_A

    Now what do we do? All the crazy is gone. It all seems kinda like the final scene from The Truman Show. Do we disband Wonkette now?

  44. fartknocker

    Hey Mitt, it's called math and you haven't got the votes. Taking your pony and car elevator and go home. Be sure to amend your tax return so you can get that added $2.2 million back that you withheld so you could look like a credible candidate.

  45. BaldarTFlagass

    Huffpo map shows VA and FLA both in baby blue now. If he takes both, that would make 332, with Romney getting Alaska for a total of 206. What number = landslide?

  46. LIT_Fag

    Thank you all for collectively and figuratively holding me through this scary night! Y'all complete me

  47. cousinitt

    Greetings from the blue skies and snowy peaks* of Colorado!

    *well, they should be snowy by now but what, with climate change and all–let's not forget we need to focus now on what really matters and never again let our guard down.

      1. cousinitt

        Oh Duuuude, you have no, cough, wheeze, uh, idea man. Que up my old John Denver 45–singing, "Rocky Mountiain high, Colorado…"

  48. Mittaplasia

    Waitin' for the concession speech, they're stubbornly prolonging the inevitable. He's probably in full "black knight" mode already.

    Arm chopped off (with votes), blood gushing out. "It's just a scratch"….gets other arm and both legs hacked off…."come back you coward; I'll bite yer' ankles off"..

    It's a great evening in OUR COUNTRY tonight…Cheers!

    1. doloras

      And when the Electoral College is actually sitting, with more than 300 Democrats in it, Mittens will be outside saying to Hopey: "Tell you what, let's call it a draw."

  49. Steverino247

    Is the Donald calling for the violent overthrow of the government of the United States? I think he is…

    "Thank you for calling the Federal Bureau of Investigation…"

  50. valthemus

    OMG! I wanted to watch the collective wrist-slitting over on Fox Kinda-News, but bile started leaking from my TV screen so I had to switch to the Science Channel real fast. Doze peeple iz maaaaaaaaad.

  51. ProgressiveInga

    Marriage Equality passes in Maryland! My son lives there and called me last week to say he was proud to have 2 Moms and get to vote for equality. What planet am I on again???

        1. Biff

          Fuckin' killing me. And that piece of shit Stephen King won his race. But at least no more Joe Walsh and Scott Brown.

  52. arihaya

    The biggest loser is Ann Romney, you know what: She has been rooting to be FLOTUS that she spent the last year wearing dresses by Oscar de la Renta (who made dresses for Nancy Reagan, Barbara Bush and Laura Bush.)

    And now she has to weep and weep for the rest of her life.

  53. sudsmckenzie

    Ha Ha, Karl Rove just had his "bombing at the Apollo moment" on FOX, … if there was only some sort of German phrase for this.

  54. valthemus

    I must say, this is so much more fun than following the posts on the KKK's Stormfront web site like I did four years ago. More hilariously witty remarks and far fewer racism-fueled death threats!

      1. Barbara_

        It saddens me that we have to ponder and argue the rights for a same sex couple to do everything that we opposite sex couples do so flippantly in regards to marriage and equality.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          So long as there are relgious nuts out there, we're gonna have to waste time and engergy slapping them down. It's annoying as hell, but they never learn and never shut the fuck up, because religion.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I've been following the NYT site, and it's almost comical how slow they are to call states for either candidate. NBC is painting the map on the ice at Rock Center, and the NYT is still going "Ummm, maybe, but we're not entirely sure that it's matematically certain…"

  55. VeraSevera

    Fox: Obama needs to be Clinton II: reach out to the middle. Shrink that deficit with dot-com boom-dom.. But wait…didn't that get him an impeachment trial? Note to Prez: don't take advice from Fox. But DO give Old Bill a bear hug for us all. No cigar.

  56. Not_Mother

    Hahahaha@realDonaldTrump: This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy! Megyn Kelly suggests having Karl Rove "duke it out" with the decision desk. CNN JOHN King first to say "civil war" coming. Romney still sore loser motherfucker.

  57. Veritas78

    The NYTimes just gave VA to Obama, hitting 270. FL and NV heading that way, too.

    OH, however, is showing as pink.

    1. Designer_Rants

      That's been all fucked up, basically for the entire time that it mattered, and still. They blew it on their coverage. Musta spent all the money on Nate Silver's platinum-plated calculator.

  58. CindynEncinitas

    All that's left is seeing Egg's clenched jaw and tortured smile as she rides Rafalca into the sunset.
    Thank you Nate Silver! Thank you Actor212! You kept me sane today until I was able to imbibe.
    Hey Mittens! We're in yer base pwning yer noobs, motherfucker!

  59. prommie

    I wanna see some motherfucking crow eating eating, when is the motherfucking crow-eating? I wanna see that predacious lizard fuckwad eat some fucking crow, godddamn it, I want to see some crow eating, dammit. And I love Fakakta!

  60. Designer_Rants

    If Romney doesn't concede, and shows up for work tomorrow at the Oval Office, they're going to have to build him a special Oval Office Replica out back where he can roam around and boss people and stay out of trouble. Because convincing him he lost will short out all those expensive circuits in his cranial server module.

  61. sbj1964

    The Conservatards over at Conservative Victory banned me for telling them to eat CROW!Looks like another 4 years for them so sulk in their little dens of hate.Don't forget the Mint sauce guys McCain choked on every bite! I'm sending Mittens his recipe.

  62. VodkaGoGo

    Shep SmIth is actually kind of awesome. In as diplomatic a way as possible he keeps suggesting to his panel "do you think maybe the Republican party may have fucked this up the last four years, maybe just a little?"

  63. proudgrampa

    You know, I am not a cruel person, but nothing would please me more than to see Ann "Let them eat cake" Romney crying her eyes out as Mitt concedes.

    Life is good.

  64. vulpes82

    Okay, some of my long-lost love of Chuck Todd has returned as I watch him basically kick Romeny and his campaign in the nuts with his MATHS.

  65. BadKitty904

    Ha! My bf just reminded me that this morning, before he went to vote, he told me that "the Blessed Virgin Most Pure will watch over the President today."

    So. ¡Viva la Virgen de Regla!

      1. BadKitty904

        Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch better, thank you…though toasty and tired.

        If this is what presidential election campaigns are like, I think I'm taking up lace-making…

    1. GhostBuggy

      Marcus, meanwhile, is unsure where he stands with Graves, but would like to take a wide stance to be safe.

  66. VeraSevera

    Oh gawd that bitch Brian Williams is talking about how shocking it is to come from the East Coast and smell MAR-I-G-UANA in whacky places like Boulder, where it's SOoooo easy to "obtain," TO the governor of Colorado. Who is all, ha-ha you old joker Brian. Yes, that's true but ah shawks.

    Brian Williams and Paul Ryan in a spanking scene. I'm sorry, I've been drinking.

    1. sullivanst

      Brian Williams lies. He's a big fan of The Boss, and I tell ya, even on the East Coast, you can't go to a Bruce concert and not get a contact high.

      Plus also too, MA voted for medical weed by a huge margin.

  67. synykyl

    Hey Donald, you want to put your money where your mouth is? Nate Silver says when the West Coast votes are all counted Obama is likely to move ahead in the popular vote too. Yeah, eventually Nate will be wrong about something, but I'm betting with him on this, not with you ;-)

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Yeah, but it would still be kind of sweet if President Obama won the Electoral vote with over 300 votes and lost the popular vote. You'd probably see a whole bunch of wingnuts demanding the immediate replacement of the Electoral college with a national popular vote.

  68. Barbara_

    Time for Romney to wake up and smell the decaf coffee. Concede now or you will just look more like a dick head when you have to concede.

    1. miss_grundy

      You mean he hasn't looked like a dickhead, or a twit all along. I bet the official of the London Olympics are having a good laugh at his expense.

  69. Wadisay

    Notwithstanding tonight's events, I bet Mitt Romney still spends January 20, 2013, signing something to repeal Obamacare.

  70. DustyBowlBlues

    How the fuck could a Republican pick fights with two CEOs of major corporations? The news on NPR was that Chrysler had given their employees a paid day off to go vote, and an executive VP (Design) tweets to the Rmoney acolyte, who was spreading the lie in his own, inimitable style, "Donald Trump is full of shit."

    How?

  71. thatsitfortheother1

    6:00 in the morning here in Germany and I thought I'd just take a peek at CNN. John King was busy choking on a turd burger the sized of Iowa, which I thought might be a good omen. When Blitzer came around to give him a Heimlich (at least I think that's what he was doing), I knew it was over.

    Well done you libs!

  72. glamourdammerung

    Romney really needs to make his concession speech soon (assuming he does not cower out). I really want to count how many times he brings up Huey Lewis and the News.

  73. DustyBowlBlues

    Current says there is a good chance that One-L Crazy Eyes may be losing. If so, I hope Chris Matthews remembers to send her a sympathy card.

  74. glasspusher

    Brian willams just said Donald Trump "Has driven well past the last exit to relevance"

    hahahahahah

    1. vulpes82

      And it's bull, because he probably will win, narrowly, the popular vote, after all the California and other votes in states called for O are counted.

  75. sullivanst

    Fucking call Nevada and Florida for Bamz already, and shut up the whiney losers.

    Really can't understand why Florida isn't called yet. Barry has an OK lead, and big numbers still to come in.

      1. glasspusher

        …and only Dade left to finish counting. Even my friend still in FL can't believe it! Sweet, sweet revenge!

  76. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Tammy Baldwin, first female senator from the state of Wisconsin. First openly gay U.S. Senator. And I can't say how proud I am to say I voted for her today.

  77. C_R_Eature

    Tammy Baldwin is giving her victory speech and that is something I really didn't expect to see even though I chipped in for her.The crowd is on fire with joy.
    This night has been just awesome.

    1. sullivanst

      Yeah, also failed to inform him there's a lot of people in California.

      He said the world was laughing at us. No, Donald, they're just laughing at you, you loser.

  78. Barbara_

    So many people on Facebook plan to leave to live in another country. These are the same dick weeds who posted a few weeks ago that they had a used lawnmower for sale and they would meet up at the Krystal's and asked for "cash only." Good luck with that!

    1. docterry6973

      Where on earth could they find a country that would suit them? They going to Canada for some socialized medicene? To Europe? Are there any banana republics left in South America where they could live as the reckless soldiers of fortune that they imagine themselves to be?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        The USA is their last refuge on this planet, which is why they're so fucking rabid. They know they're cornered, with no place to go, and they really think it's going to come down to Mad Max scenes at their compounds in the desert. Watch as ammo sales soar off the charts.

    2. sullivanst

      Tell 'em not to let the door hit 'em in the ass on the way out. Or if it does, that's fine too.

      Thinning out the crazy vote would do us good.

  79. FakaktaSouth

    Okay, so Chuck Todd just endeared himself to me with his joke about the "voices in my head, and I'm not Donald Trump" and then kinda subtlely going off about "that individual." I truly look forward to laughing in these asshole's faces over the sanctity of the popular vote. God allmighty concede already Mitt, I'm TIRED and I want TEARS.

    1. docterry6973

      I think that we should ask serious questions about why a prominent public figure who advocates violent revolution is given his own TV show.

  80. finallyhappy

    the Dream Act and Marriage Equality pass in Maryland and we now have all Democratic Congress people(Bartlett that dumb old fart got dumped). and I hear someone got re-elected to the White House- and now I can't sleep!!!

    1. C_R_Eature

      Well, not exactly. There's still Harris (R-Club for Growth), re-elected handily in the 1st district because that asshole Wendy Rosen was caught voting in both Florida and Maryland and resigned too late to bet her name removed from the ballot, leaving John LaFerla, who lost narrowly in the primaries, as one of the write-in candidates.

      The re-drawn 1st is even more deeply red than the original 1st, also. The upshot is that I have to live with this awful corporate tool for two more years at the very least.

      But, the rest of the night went better than I expected!

  81. VeraSevera

    Fox. A pox on all their houses. Yikes. Populism? But not even unemployment (he's black!) could defeat him. What is wrong with the world.

      1. glasspusher

        thanks. every once in a while a funny one slips out. I think I was inspired by Brian Williams' crack on Trump.

  82. deliman4

    Quiet,the sounds you hear are millions of cons heads exploding!! This election was for Carter,Mondale,Dukakis Kerry,and all the crap both Clinton and Obama took during their three terms!!

  83. Not_Mother

    Washington State and Colorado voters legalize marijuana … And the sadistic and racist war on drugs slowly unravels…

  84. Barbara_

    It's being reported now that Romney didn't pen a concession speech, just a victory speech. People voted for a man this ill prepared?

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      It's probably there with his tax returns…

      Hey, I guess he can file an amended return now and get back the "excess" taxes he paid last year! Silver lining and all.

    2. bobbert

      Maybe he'll set a modern record and just never concede. It would fit in with his inability to stay on any position for more than five minutes. "I won, I lost, I won, I lost, waaa"

  85. Jerri

    Ryan had to do some rage-induced P90-X tapes. That's why it's taking so long. Also the Romneys have to have the attention on them because they're so fancy and classy.

  86. DustyBowlBlues

    Current says that it appears One-L Krazy Eyes may be losing. If she does, I hope Chris Matthews remembers to send her a sympathy card.

  87. finallyhappy

    They keep saying McCain is coming out- will he give the speech he gave 4 years ago instead of Mittens??

    1. BadKitty904

      Please do not use the words "McCain" and "coming out" in the same sentence. I'm afraid my head might explode.

  88. BoroPrimorac

    We won all the states that flipped Teabagger in 2010. We kicked the shit out of the GOP among women. We kicked their ass with Latinos.

  89. Fukui-sanYesOta

    Jolly good show, chaps.

    HAHAHA SUCK IT MITTENS! Ahem. Also, that "nate silver was wrong" site the freepers were crowing about seems to be down. Most odd.

    What a heartwarming morning here in limeyland. Again: top work, American chums.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Welcome back Fukui! You still owe me the position of Maritime Pub Inspector and don't you forget it.

    2. Steverino247

      You're welcome, although I could find a lot of better ways to spend the contributions I had to make because Mittens wouldn't release his tax returns.

  90. barto

    Trump.
    Sad.
    On so, so many levels.

    Ah well, a good night for progressives! Thank you Wonkette, for leading the charge!

    1. bobbert

      Hey. Obama ran a pretty negative campaign. And he beat the fuck out of your negative campaign, Karl, so fuck off and die.

    1. Steverino247

      Even though I live in CA, I had to give Murphy 50 bucks. West was a shit stain on the history and Officer Corps of the United States Army and I hope his departure leads to cleaning that up.

  91. VodkaGoGo

    I bet Romney is having an EPIC tantrum right now and that's why he's not conceded yet. Like in an old spy movie when the super villian realizes he's losing and he spazzes out and beats the shit out of his right hand man. He's probably shaving his campaign managers head right now.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Is this the scene where Bamz blows the doors open, and voters invade Mitt's secret underground headquarters and everything starts blowing up?

  92. thatsitfortheother1

    I might be a little slow to concede too, given Gore in 2000. But at some point, if you are conceding to a sitting president, integrity would have you get off your ass and get it over.

    1. Biff

      We're in! Also looking good for Shelly Berkeley vs Dean Heller, Steve Horsford (against a Tarkanian, even!) , and Dina Titus!

  93. docterry6973

    They really, truly believed that they had it in the bag. But why should we be surprised? It has been obvious for years that the far right has simply disengaged from the real world of fact and data, and substituted their own little hermetically-sealed world. So fuck 'em sideways.

  94. glasspusher

    Miami/Dade is done counting for the night, they will continue tomorrow. This is romney's hail mary chance!

  95. tessiee

    Once I was able to stop crying, I ran out in my front yard and yelled, "YEAH!!! YEAH!!! WE DID IT! THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND, Y'ALL! WOOOO!!"

      1. Dr. Nick Riviera

        CNN just said that Romney is expected to come out. It;s going to be a long walk though because the stick up his ass makes it tough to walk

  96. gullywompr

    Can you imagine the conference call that's going on right now with Mitt, Rove, Sheldon Adelson and David Koch? Maybe there's some more ad time in Ohio they can buy…

  97. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Hubby: "What difference does Ohio make now? Ohio is now known as Super Ohio and it is worth 100 votes"

  98. tessiee

    As of right now, PRESIDENT Obama has 303 electoral votes to Mitt's 203.
    The only way that could be better is if he held Mitt down and cut off that greasy, dyed floor mop on his head.

  99. Biff

    I've been out in the garage listening to more returns, filing the rakes down on my rusty chainsaw, and also sharpening my machete. Just in case.

  100. glasspusher

    The more he talks, the worse this speech is getting…wrap it up, but he is trying to take the high road. Not bad. Don't let Ryan speak

  101. tessiee

    Thank God; now I can finally watch the "Let's wipe 'em out!" scene from "Blazing Saddles" again, without crying.

  102. Fukui-sanYesOta

    So, um,

    Bammaz is back – four more years, baby
    Elizabeth Warren wins
    Tammy Duckworth wins
    Akin and Mourdock both lose
    Nate Silver proven right
    Allen West losing
    Miche1e Bachmann in very tight race
    Senate majority retained

    Is it fair to say that tonight was a good night?

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      We are on the verge of creating the society we dreamed of in the 1960s. Real individual liberty. What a night.

  103. leprechaunvict

    Just have to say, as a months-and-months-long creeper-but-not-commenter from ye olde Canada, who has watched (for years) your country with fascination, affection, and horror, that the above hilarious fucking album cover made me finally want to comment here and say cheers. And Christ on crutches are we ever relieved by the outcome of your election! Peace out :^) … really, when I get up tomorrow I'm sharing that image hahahahahaaaaa it's priceless…

  104. mustangsavvy

    THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!!

    Also – Donald Trump is a complete moron. Someone should sit him down and explain his overwhelming douchebaggery to him. It's painful. Also – hilarious.

    FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!! And now I will fall into a deep and peaceful sleep =)

  105. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Final take-home message for Koch, Trump, Adelson, and all those other rich pricks:
    The 99% have 99% of the votes.

  106. ttommyunger

    I really wasn't worried for myself, but I was terribly concerned for my Country, especially considering the fact that the Idiot Child Bush was elected twice, sort of.

Comments are closed.