Uncle Dumbass from Slidell

Confederate Loser Buys Delicious ISIS Cake From Walmart Bakery, Doesn’t Eat It

ISIS cake spokesmodel
Gather ’round, little children, for we have a heartwarming story about Walmart, ISIS, cake, and this one Louisiana dumbass named Chuck Netzhammer, who is very sad about how America is stomping all over his beloved traitor Confederate flag. So, because he thinks he is S-M-R-T, he went to the Walmart and said probably something along the lines of “please make me a cake with my favorite flag in the world on it, the one that represents the seditious loser nation that lost the Civil ...
  Everyone is happy now

BREAKING: Majority Of Americans Like Taking Gay Obamacare Up The Butt

This is America now basically
In case you missed it because you were trapped under something heavy, the Supreme Court crammed healthcare AND marriage equality up and down all of our orifices last week. While you might be 69 kinds of butthurt about the uber-liberal judicial tyranny of some dumb lawyers in robes, your friends and neighbors and your mom and her friends and neighbors and their moms are quite thrilled: Most Americans say they support each of the two major Supreme Court rulings issued late last week, and ...
  Not A Rash Decision

California Pries Measles Out Of Anti-Vaxxers’ Cold, Dumb Hands

Are your brains melting yet, Mommy? Are they? Now, about that pony...
Hey, how about some Science Nice Time? California Gov. Jerry Brown signed the state’s new vaccine requirement into law today, over the cries of “Government Oppression!” and “Big Pharma! Big Pharma! Big Pharma!” from anti-vaxxers. The bill eliminates exemptions for personal and religious beliefs, even though many Californians will be sad because their precious unvaccinated disease vectors will not be allowed to attend public schools. The San Jose Mercury News ...
  What's Next? Lube Subsidies?

Open Enrollment For Gay Reparations Beginning Soon, According To Anonymous Moron

The gay Nazis are coming for all your moneys!
We’re guessing this one has only a thin hope of joining ACORN and Jade Helm 15 in the Great Big Catalogue of Rightwing Fears, but let’s document the specimen just in case it manages to thrive. Over at Gateway Pundit, Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor thinks he may have found evidence of a leftist/media (same thing) plan to start demanding reparations for past discrimination against gays, as carefully documented by a guy who heard a thing from a ...
  please send money

Girl Scouts Will Get Along Just Fine Without Transgender-Hating Bigot Bucks, Thank You

Even ones religious right assholes don't like.
As you are all aware, the Girl Scouts is a super badass organization. Its leadership is SO liberal, the Scouts are turning all of America’s girls into militant man-hating lesbian vegans with bitchin’ abortion skills. And it costs money to indoctrinate all those young ladies! The Girl Scouts of Western Washington was very excited to get a $100,000 donation recently, to fund things like financial assistance for little girls whose families can’t afford to send them to camp. ...
  Fire Island Causes Global Warming

Rick Santorum: Know What Really Makes Sea Levels Rise? Gay Marriage.

Also, we should slash NASA's budget and give it to sidewalk anti-abortion counselors
Pathetic self-parody Rick Santorum took to The Fox and The Friends Sunday to explain how to fix the Supreme Court, after it broke America last week, and make America all better again, and the way to do that is for presidents to stop wasting time talking about fake stuff like “Global Warming” and to instead save the American family from turning all gay. After some frothing nutjobbery about how Supreme Court justices should be elected — oh, yay, we’d get U.S. Supreme ...
  a candidate for shouty-americans everywhere

Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good

Siddown. Shaddup.
Having burned all his bridges in New Jersey – those he didn’t shut down, anyway – Gov. Chris Christie today announced his escape plan: to run for the GOP nomination for president in 2016. There are so many reasons why Christie is likely undertaking this utterly doomed effort: ego, pride, galactically outsized ambition, the fact that everyone in his state hates him so much he might as well spend even less time there than he already does. Yr Wonkette couldn’t make it to this announcement in ...
  nice time!

Chin Up, New York Poors, You No Longer Have To Use Separate-But-Equal Doors

Hey poors, good news about the doors!
Among the many methods we as Americans have to communicate to poorer folks that they’re Less Than, New York’s “poor doors” have to be one of the grossest. If you’re not familiar, developers in the city would get huge tax breaks for including “affordable housing” (by New York standards) in their projects, but because of a loophole, they were allowed to create special entrances, only for the poors, that lead to the residences of the poors. Out of ...
  Civil Whites March

KKK Throwing Totally Non-Racist Confederate Flag Party At South Carolina Capitol

Hello KKKitty
In South Carolina, the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan are planning to rally in support of the Confederate flag at the South Carolina Statehouse July 18. Yr Wonkette is wholly in favor of the event, since it will be the first completely honest show of support for the treason rag. We love Bree Newsome, the woman who climbed up and pulled the flag down Saturday, but the Klan’s support may actually be far more effective at getting the flag permanently removed from the Statehouse. ...
  thanks obama!

President Obama To Give Everyone Free Money Just For Working Real Hard

President Robin Hood has yet another evil scheme to redistribute the wealth, taking money from poor oppressed employers to give to their greedy fat cat workers, by redefining the traditional definition of “overtime work.” From the White House basement, the dirty blogger in chief explained: Right now, too many Americans are working long days for less pay than they deserve. That’s partly because we’ve failed to update overtime regulations for years — and an ...
  Not The Least Bit Similar

Bobby Jindal Didn’t Mind Stomping On Freedom When Judge Blocked Interracial Marriage

He seems nice
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal is taking a cue from Texas and has announced that court clerks and other public employees who don’t want to issue gay marriage licenses won’t have to, just as long as an invisible friend in the sky told them they mustn’t. It’s quite the popular view today, although as RightWingWatch points out, Jindal wasn’t nearly so accommodating of freedom of conscience in 2009, when a Louisiana justice of the peace refused to grant a marriage ...
  Even diaper-fetishists have to eat

Whore-Sexing Sen. David Vitter Wiped Away Gay Marriage Tears With Greasy Chick-Fil-A Meat

He's crying because he's hungry.
Friday was a tough day for Louisiana Sen. David Vitter. First, he had to shed his pull-ups and dismount from whatever whore lady was currently being Not His Wife and helping him fulfill his diaper sex fantasies (ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY!), and then he turned on the Google and found out that the Supreme Court had crammed his throat with gay marriage, and he did not like that! The taste of diapers on his tongue did not go well with the taste of sweet same-sex Supreme Court dick, and no ...
  So leadership many bold

Jeb! Bush So Proud He Quietly Hid Confederate Flag, Stuck It To PC Police

Take your time, buddy
On a scale of one to potato, exactly how stupid is Jeb Bush? All, yes, eleven, and yams. After ever so timidly suggesting South Carolina might perhaps consider removing the Confederate flag from its state capitol grounds, the way Bush did when he was governor of Florida — quietly removing it over the weekend while no one was looking — Bush is now very proud, and would like ALL THE COOKIES, for standing up to the PC police: Bush, a former two-term Florida governor, explained that ...
  Twitter rant forthcoming

Donald Trump Fired From NBC For Being YOOOOOOOGE Racist Lick Knob

  Sad news for all of you Donald Trump-lovers. (Those exist, we think?) The purging of Donald Trump is no longer limited to mean Spanish-speaking teevee types. After Univision decided it would no longer be airing Miss Universe pageants owned by men who call Mexican immigrants drug-criming rapists, Trump reacted with all the maturity and grace we’ve come to expect, threatening to sue the network and banning Univision employees from one of his gauche resorts in Miami. Well, we ...
  Here Is The Church Here Is The Steeple...Damn!

African American Churches Sure Burning Down A Lot, Probably War on Christians

Yes, we know none of the churches were in Mississippi. But YOU try finding a movie called 'Georgia,Tennessee, Florida and Both Carolinas Burning'
This is a bad thing: Six African American churches have been burned, since the June 17 murders of nine people at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, and arson is suspected in at least three of the fires. The FBI and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives are investigating, and while there’s no evidence yet that the fires are connected (and accidental causes are suspected in two fires), four Southern black churches burning within a week of a racist murder seems statistically ...
  Just close your eyes and think of Jesus

Alabama Needs Time To Relax Sphincter For First Gay Marriaging

Too bad, so sad
Alabama has officially joined the bandwagon of Sore Losers who refuse to believe the War on Marriage Equality is over, and the bigots did not win. The state’s Supreme Court issued an order Monday, declaring that even though the United States Supreme Court already ruled on Obergefell v. Hodges, Alabama has not decided yet whether that ruling applies (spoiler: it does), so the case is NOT closed: That is just about the saddest fucking thing we have ever read. The effect of the Supreme ...

Bristol Palin A Smidge Displeased With All You MOTHERFARKING JERKFACE BITCHEZ!

Now that Bristol Palin has announced her second or third pregnancy — whatever — all without the benefit of God and Jesus claiming holy Prima Nocta up in her wedding-night bed, she is SUPER-BUMMED about it, and that is whatever the opposite of “sad” is, because girl can go fuck herself, right in the ear. But now there is a newsflash, and that is that Bristol Palin is lying, because her mouth is moving. Fuck you all, said Bristol Palin (direct quote, actually!), I ...
  Fear Of Peter King Perfectly Normal

Muslim-Hatin’ Rep: But Are White Terrorists Even Terrorists, Really?

Damn it, denial IS TOO a strategy
Congressfireplug Peter King (R-NY Somehow) was not at all impressed by last week’s report from the New America Foundation, which found that more Americans have been killed by rightwing terrorism than by Muslim extremists since 9/11. King serves on the House Homeland Security Committee, so he’ll have you know that mere numbers don’t tell the whole story, and also the report was carried in the New York Times, so it’s obviously worthless. There’s just no way that ...
  Stigmata cropping up all over the GOP these days

When Will God Stop Forcing Ben Carson To Run For President?

He wears long sleeves to cover up where they nailed him to the cross.
THESE REPUBLICANS, right? Ted Cruz explained recently that he hates running for president so much, but he has to do it, because God anointed him with Holy Spirit juice, and he’s the only hope we have to save America. Apparently, Almighty God is hedging his bets like a Wall Street Bank Whore, because He is ALSO forcing Ben Carson to run for president. Carson explained to Iowa voters that he doesn’t like running for president, he is having a very bad time, and he just wants to go ...
  So pro-lifey

Supreme Court Conservatives Say Murdering Inmates Still A-OK

Could be worse
On Monday, the Supreme Court upheld Oklahoma’s blatantly cruel practice of execution by lethal injection, declaring that there’s nothing cruel and unusual about it, so rock on, Oklahoma, and lethally inject all the death-row inmates you want. The state uses a combination of three drugs — midazolam, vecuronium bromide, and potassium chloride — to render an inmate unconscious, and then to stop the inmate’s breathing, and finally, his (or her) beating heart. This ...
  Jebus Says You Don't Have To Do Your Job

Texas And Other States Fixin’ To Secede From Gay Union

Needs to be about 20% gayer
As you could have predicted, for all the celebrations of Friday’s Great Big Supreme Court decision, it’s now time for the foot-dragging by people who simply don’t wanna ride the Gay Marry-Go-Round. Chief among them is Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who issued an epic cri de butthurt Friday that explained how the First Amendment prohibits making Christian bigots feel bad. He followed that up with a letter Sunday offering Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick his carefully thought out ...

Donald Trump Bans Mean Spanishes From Fancy-Pants Miami Resort

Can't imagine why Mexicans would be pissed off at him.
Amidst the PURE APPLESAUCE and INTERPRETIVE JIGGERY POKERY of last week’s marriage and Obamacare news, you might have missed the very important story of how Donald Trump is being forced to sue Univision, because it was mean to him and decided against airing his Miss Universe Pageant, due to the fact that Trump has been a real dick toward Mexicans lately, saying Mexican immigrants are druggers, crimers and rapists. Trump is now continuing his baby temper tantrum, by banning all ...