Agents Of SHEESH

Horny Secret Service Dude Tried To Trade Obama Schedule For Panty Access, Allegedly

There was a whole series of these literary masterpieces
Mercy sakes! MORE tales of Secret Service dumbfuckery, only this time it’s not coming from the Washington Post’s Carol Leonnig, who has owned this story. This time the story comes from a blog called InsideSources, and it alleges: Multiple sources inside the Romney presidential ...
  Black-ish

GOP Finds Stock Photos To Be Their New Black Friends

Republicans have a race problem, and continue to do everything they can to make it worse. Most recently they launched the thoroughly mockable #ImARepublican campaign, which turns out to suck even harder than Rick Santorum at Iowa’s annual goat-blowing festival: As crummy as the “Republicans Are ...
  Maybe An Upright Jury Would Be Better

Ferguson Grand Jury About As Fair And Impartial As You’d Expect

We don't even care that this came from an animal liberation blog. That's one funny sign
Just in case you were worried that the investigation into the shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, wasn’t a great enough fuckpile, here’s one extra little nugget to increase everyone’s confidence that justice will be done: the Washington Post reports that the Grand ...
  Like women even care about women stuff DUH

Scott Brown Focused On ‘Issues That People Care About,’ Not Stupid Chick Stuff

He hearts ladies OBVIOUSLY
Ladies man Scott Brown thinks women are terrific! He has “a house full of women,” so he knows what’s really important, and he cooked dinner that one time for his daughters too. Since giving out “hero awards” to all the ladies hasn’t boosted his numbers with ...
  700 Flub

Pat Robertson Pretty Sure Obama’s Going To Behead Everybody Just Like He Did In Oklahoma

I really can't do people holding things yet...
Today, we’ve learned a little more about last Thursday’s awful murder in Oklahoma, and according to the local district attorney, it appears that racial animosity may have had more to do with Alton Nolen’s motives than religion did. Now, this does not fit with the Wingnut ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Disembowels Secret Service, Feeds It To Unused Guard Dogs (Video)

Jon Stewart is just as flummoxed by the Secret Service’s recent string of screw-ups as anyone else, and the details of the Omar Gonzales’s fence-jumping and unguided White House tour just left him all the more astonished. The Secret Service didn’t release dogs, for instance, ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Some Dude Massacred 1000 Chickens With A Golf Club, May Have Some Issues Perhaps

Show us on the doll where the chickens hurt you
There must be a better way to work on your golf swing, no? At least one person broke into a Foster Farms chicken shed in Fresno County this month and used a golf club to kill 920 birds, officials said Tuesday. [...] A piece of what appeared to be a golf club was found at the scene, Deputy Chris ...
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Perplexed By This Muslim Sportsball Man And His Exotic Ways (Video)

Actual penalty; Holding... the wrong religious beliefs
Stephen Colbert is just as puzzled as we were about the curious case of the Kansas City player who was penalized for Muslim Tebowing — especially after the NFL decided, no, that wasn’t a penalty after all. It’s not so much the religious freedom question that has Colbert ...
  victory!

Girl Secret Service Director’s Resignation Is Obama’s Latest Attack On Women, According To Idiots

So long, farewell
Secret Service director Julia Pierson has resigned over the recent rash of security breaches around the president and the White House. This leaves us with just one important question: How long will it take the wingnuts to blame Pierson’s resignation on Obama leading the real War on Women? Let’s ...
  Justice in the first degree

Florida Jury Finally Finds Murderer Michael Dunn Guilty Of Murder

The guy on the right? He's the murderer
In November 2012, racist scumbag Michael Dunn killed 17-year-old Jordan Davis. Dunn claimed that Davis and his friends were rudely (read: blackly) playing their music too loud, and when he ever-so-politely asked them to turn it down a bit, the poor defenseless Dunn, who was armed, was scared ...
  Adding Fabrics And Baking Would Not Help

‘Science’ Center Teaches Boys Rocketry, Girls Makeup. Internet Certain To Be Pleased. (Updated)

UPDATE: Carnegie Science Center has responded; see end of post. You know what kids love? Kids love science! Science is exciting, and it builds critical thinking skills, and it’s actually more than just a little bit fun if you have an engaging teacher and cool things to do! And if ...
  What is OUTRAGE Alex?

Stupid Game Show Star Alex Trebek Does Not Even Know What Do Women Want

Burn it all down
Okay, ladies, why are we castrating The Patriarchy today? We will tell you why. Because Alex Trebek, THAT IS WHY. The Jeopardy host was not really on our radar before, since he is A MAN so we do not pay attention to him — and also we do not have a teevee because they are kind of ugly; and ...
  secret Squirrel service

Wingnuts Pretty Mad At Obama For Letting Himself Be Killed Like That

Everybody needs a nap now and then
This Secret Service thing, huh? It’s quite a mess, and by golly, the right is just outraged that the agency is doing such a crappy job of defending the president they hate. Thank heavens they know who’s responsible for the security lapses: That feckless dictator Barack Obama, who ...
  Obviously a false flag of some kind

Fox News Can’t Decide Whether Obama Is Trying To Cut Off Your Head Or Ebola You

Fox will not be fooled
It’s not as if we weren’t warned that Barack Obama was planning to let in all the terrorists to infect us with Ebola. But in case convicted “journalist” James O’Keefe is not your main source of Ebola news, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed ...
  the gods are smiling on us

Larry ‘Wide Stance’ Craig Is Back! And Guilty! Again!

Life is full of important lessons. Look both ways before crossing the street. If you are a professional sportsball player, don’t domestic violence a woman on video. Ladies, don’t get raped. And today, we learn a political lesson: If you are a closeted Republican politician soliciting anonymous ...
  GOP will put a stop to all this GOP voter fraud

Voter Fraud Is Real, And It’s All Republicans

Sometimes you just forget you already did that
Republican governors and secretaries of state are determined to stop the scourge of Voter Fraud, by ensuring that the wrong kind of people can’t vote. (Poors, minorities, Democrats — you know the type.) Sure we laugh at them, but it’s no laughing matter. Voter fraud is a real ...
  In The Line Of Ire

It’s Cool, Secret Service Just Let President Ride Elevator With Twitchy Felon With Gun, No Big

These new advisors will definitely tighten things up
Say, have you noticed that the Secret Service really seems to suck lately? This is what we hear, at least, what with the letting a guy jump the fence and then take a self-guided tour of the White House, the news that their forensics skills were outclassed by the housekeeping staff, and now this ...
  clipbait

Jon Stewart’s Got Some Schoolhouse Rock For You Hip Kids (Video)

This doesn't end well
Jon Stewart is on top of all the latest hot issues in the midterms, like the Iowa debate between Senate contenders Joni Ernst and Bruce Braley, where each tried to out-folksy the other. Or the exciting process of introducing doomed legislation largely for the purpose of running on it, or ...
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Everyone’s Doing It In The Butt Now

Sure why not?
At Salon, sex doctor Debby Herbenick writes about how buttsex is the new black. We don’t know if we believe it (not that there’s anything wrong with that!), but if it’s on the internet, it must be true, we guess: In an incredibly short period of time, anal sex has become a ...
  Qui a Coupé Le Fromage?

Stephen Colbert Heartlessly Taunts Evil Dictator Kim Jong-Un. With Cheese. (Video)

Dr. Emmenthal, I presume?
Here’s your late-afternoon Clipbait, with Stephen Colbert talking about North Korean wunderkind and Threat to World Peace Kim Jong-un and his fondness for cheese, which may actually have made him so sick that he can’t go out in public, maybe. It has all the essentials of comedy: A ...
  Uterine Clown Car Survivor Speaks Out

Duggars Did A Pretty Good Job Edumacatin’ Their Womb-Fruits, All Right

Just as Darwin Demanded
Reality Teevee show person Jessa Duggar went to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington DC, and came away believing that Charles Darwin led directly to the Nazis’ attempted extermination of European Jewry, which suggests that the museum’s docents really need to up ...