'The Children's Crusade' Didn't Test So Well

It’s ‘Bring Your Bible To School’ Day! Don’t Forget To Slaughter Some Midianites!

Oh, gosh, we almost forgot it’s “Bring Your Bible to School” Day! Thursday marks the second annual event, apparently. The thing is being promoted by Focus on the Family and rightwing Christianist lawyer group the Alliance Defending Freedom, which is sort of a Bizarro-world ACLU what likes to sue to keep crosses on public land and keep homosexxicans from getting married. Here’s what the exercise is all about from their FAQ page: On Bring Your Bible to School Day ...
  too bad so sad

House Republicans Having No Good Very Bad Day. Let’s Point And Laugh At Them!

It’s hard out there for a Republican member of Congress right now, and not just because everyone in America, including their fellow Republicans, hates their maggot-infested guts. First, John Boehner tells his caucus he is sick of their bullshit, he is outta here, SEE YA WOULDN’T WANNA BE YA. Then his second-in-command, Kevin McCarthy, who doesn’t snuggle him nearly as good as that loser Eric Cantor used to, decides he doesn’t want the job either. (Cough cough sex ...
  We need a new word for disarray

RINO Kevin McCarthy Drops Out Of Speaker’s Race To Spend More Time Not Being Speaker

So … remember how we told you that Conventional Wisdom had already elected House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy to fill John Boehner’s falling-down-drunk speaker shoes, once he gets the hell out of dodge at the end of this month? And how we also told you Conventional Wisdom can be  dumb and wrong, because it’s created by Very Serious Inside-the-Beltway dumb assholes, like, say, Luke Russert? (Shut the fuck up, Luke Russert!) Well: House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has ...
  That's what happens when you don't stand up to The Gays

God Pencils Into Calendar ‘Smite Tennessee County, Lunch With Huck’

Artist's rendering of God destroying Blount County, from Heaven.
Bad news for the non-gay residents of Blount County in Tennessee, near Knoxville. Your county commissioner Karen Miller is bad at life, and also her job, and has utterly failed in her quest to win special protection from God Almighty, the great I AM, when He starts going county by county around the US and A, smiting all the ones that don’t hate gays enough. She had a special resolution and everything that said, “Lord, we ask that you please remember that a lot of Tennessee ...
  we aim to please you aim too please

Obama Sorry About Bombing Doctors Without Borders, Will Aim Better Next Time

Mistakes were made
In a development that regretful inventor of dynamite Alfred Nobel never would have dreamed of, the recipient of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize called the recipients of the 1999 Nobel Peace Prize to apologize for a deadly airstrike on a Doctors Without Borders hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan, on Oct. 3. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said that Obama had called the president of the organization, Dr. Joanne Liu, to express his condolences; Obama also called Afghanistan’s president, ...
  She's just jealous

Bristol Palin Outraged Other Girls Won’t Get Knocked Up In High School Like She Did

Uh oh, someone put a shiny thing in front of Bristol Palin’s face, and now her ghostblogger has to write about how SO MAD Bristol is. Seems she learned that the state of Washington has a program to provide teenage girls with free birth control, so that when they are drunk-fucking their redneck boyfriends in the back of a truck, they don’t accidentally end up with a baby inside of them, aw gee moose poops, how did that get in there? Do you remember what it was like to be a 10 ...
  Liveblogging the Duggars' lives

Josh Duggar’s Penis Banned From TLC, Maybe From His Wife Too

Anna, divorce can be really great. You should try it.
There comes a time several times a day when we get an email that says “gross thing about Duggar family, please read.” So here’s a new development, and it’s about the gross “Josh Duggar” character, who is currently serving time in the Cum Thou Fount Of Every Blessing halfway house for gross fundamentalist Christian sex weasels. Know how his sisters Jessa and Jill get their own teevee specials on TLC, in the fall? Well, Josh is NOT ALLOWED to be on those ...
  Texas Goddamn

Congratulations, Texas! Abortion Laws To Keep Women Safe Doing Opposite Of That

Texas: Not Spongeworthy
Here’s a little something to file under “unintended consequences” (maybe): We already knew that Texas’s terrible 2013 abortion law, HB2, which placed strict new regulations on clinics that perform abortions, caused a lot of clinics to close. Hooray for life, right? Thing is, women still want abortions, because they are evil sex-having sluts, and so the wait times at the state’s remaining 18 facilities providing abortions have increased to insane levels: In some ...
  Good plan or GREAT plan?

Rand Paul Will Save America’s Children With Some Stickers

Mind: Blown
Like every other Republican with grand delusions of moving into the White House in 2017, Rand Paul has no idea what to do about America’s routine mass shootings. But, as with his fellow Republicans, that has not stopped him from sharing the creaking sound the hamster wheel makes inside his head, following the most recent massacre, this time at a community college in Roseburg, Oregon. On Tuesday, Paul agreed with the other “pro-life” Republicans running for president that ...
  Christ what an asshole

Drunk John Boehner Knows Congressional Democrats Are The Real Oregon Shooter

Drunk idea man.
John Boehner had 11 shots of cheap Irish whiskey, or as he likes to call it, “breakfast,” and decided it’s a good day to jizz some thoughts out of his cry-hole about what REALLY causes mass shootings. Is it guns? Nah. Mental health? Well, KIND OF, even though less than 5 percent of gun killings in U.S. America are committed by people diagnosed with mental health issues. But Republicans like to yammer bullshit words after America’s weekly massacre about how it’s ...
  Well that IS mysterious

God Tells Televangelist Felon To Wear Black Panties, Probably Means World IS Ending

If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Oh hi! Are you still here? UNPOSSIBLE, because we told you the world is ending today, this day, Wednesday the seventh day of the tenth month of the year of your lord, two thousand ’n change. This is according to Very Serious People who regularly study the sacred texts and have very carefully calculated that, unlike all previous prophecies that turned out to be off a smidge, this one is for reals. If it hasn’t hit your town yet, it’s probably just because you’re on some ...
  Separation Of What And What Now?

Ten Commandments Removed From Oklahoma Capitol, Governor Would Kill To Get Them Back

At least now they can explain every tornado for the next ten years
The day after workers yanked the big ol’ Ten Commandments Monument from the Oklahoma Capitol grounds and moved it to a conservative think tank, Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin called on the state legislature to pass an amendment to the state constitution to bring it back. Fallin made it clear that she would do anything for love the monument, and she’d even do that. The state Supreme Court ordered in June that the monument violated the Oklahoma Constitution by expending state funds to ...
  oh for fuck's sake

Mike Huckabee Furious With Gay Liberals Who Run Roman Catholic Church

Vatican expert
Did you know that Pope Francis is secretly a cousin-fucking hillbilly Mike Huckabee/Kim Davis supporter? It’s true! (According to Mike Huckabee.) And did you know that the pope is being prevented from telling THE REAL TRUTH about how he was so excited to meet Kim Davis that he got her to sign his left buttcheek in permanent marker, and he pinky swears never to wash it again, Pope’s Honor? He WOULD tell the world that, except for how the gay atheist commiesexual liberals who run ...
  Side Effects May Include Shooting Pains

Nevada Rep. Michele Fiore Investigates: Why Does Prozac Keep Mass-Shooting Everyone?

All the classiest offices have Kalashnikov lamps
The Loopy Conspiracy Brigade has found a voice (again) in the person of Nevada State Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, who’s calling for studies to determine whether psychiatric medications make people suddenly want to use their freedom-loving semi-automatic weapons to commit massacres. It’s a popular talking point with the Alex Jones crowd and like-minded loons, who trot it out after virtually every mass shooting — often in the same breath that they’re insisting there ...
  So funny we forgot to laugh

Ben Carson Only Mentioned Hitler To Piss Off Liberals, LOL!

Guys. GUYS. It seems we have been at least 13 kinds of stupid dead wrong about Dr. Ben Carson’s hot takes on U.S. America. Sure, he says things that we dummy lefties might consider questionable or inflammatory or inaccurate or just plain HUH? Like that time he said Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to our country since slavery. Or how he more recently said Muslims can’t be president unless they swear on the Bible to renounce Muslimery. Or how he said even more recently that ...
  she seems nice

North Carolina Teabagger Candidate Needs Your Help Murdering People, We Think

Should somebody call the cops?
It’s time to meet our new best friend, aren’t you excited, Wonketariat? Her name is Kay Daly, and she is running for Congress in the North Carolina district currently served by Renee Ellmers, who is an obvious RINO. What’s so bad about Ellmers? Oh, this one time she said bitches might not be lyin’ when they say they’ve been raped. And she doesn’t even know the difference between LEGITIMATE RAPE and the other fake kind. But she’s done good Republican ...