Wonkette

HAHAHAHAH: So Jim Newell and Ken Layne wrote the same exact goddamned post — a vague rant about this latest terrorism thing basically being the Sack of Rome — with the same picture, and posted it at the same time. Never forget. [Version One & Version Two]

GAHHH, trying to find the funny news, but everything today is just about the American Empire transparently destroying itself. Which is funny! Humor has come full circle, maybe. Like what is this?: “‘The president is very confident that this government is taking the steps that are necessary to take — to take our fight to those that seek to do us harm,’ Gibbs said, emphasizing stepped-up military activity against al-Qaeda in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia.” Next stop, Branson Mizzou! MORE »

The ’00s have been an absolute disaster, a foul decade that started with George W. Bush running for president, was defined by his administration’s moral/financial bankrupting of America in the name of 9/11, and ended with the last of his idiot constituency wearing olde-colonial pirate hats while making YouTube rants about the new president being ineligible for office, because he’s a negro. MORE »

WHERE TO EVEN BEGIN. So we’re going to begin to lose a full-scale underfunded, undermanned War on Yemen very soon. Probably around Martin Luther King Day; that should provide enough time to load the RV. But this is going to happen. This is America, remember? Of 9/11 fame? And a hilarious “War on Yemen” sounds just stupid enough for our government to do it. And Josephine Lieberman shall leadeth. MORE »

Fashion icon John Boehner (or somebody who looks EXACTLY LIKE HIM) was spotted in a regal white-mock-turtleneck-and-khaki-shorts combo at a southwest Florida redneck bar this weekend. Wonkette tipster “Jelly of the Month” sends us this photo of His Nibs, looking “orange as the day he was born.” This reminds us, it has been how long since we’ve done a proper Wonk’d? Send your “famous celebrity (in the sense that you saw them on CSPAN2 at 7am this one time)” sighting reports to tips@wonkette.com.

Oh LOOKY LOO at who’s ashamed of America’s noble Judeo-Christian heritage! A very suspicious email message went out from the Republican National Committee on Christmas Day, wishing everyone “happy holidays.” This failure to mention Xmas is a direct affront to the baby Jesus and his father, Santa Claus. MORE »

• So much happened this weekend! For example, a Nigerian flying on Northwest Airlines to Detroit on Christmas Day apparently tried to blow up his plane, which meant that another Nigerian flying the same route on Sunday freaked out everybody when he spent an hour in the bathroom with, presumably, the runs. [Los Angeles Times]
• How could this troubled young man, the attempted bomber, have slipped through the cracks? Because the authorities get so many tips about terrorism threats and suspects that they just ignore most of them. [Washington Post]
• Another big event this weekend: Santy Claus brought the people of Iran more violent protests that killed 10 people, including the opposition leader’s nephew. [New York Times]
• Thailand is sending about 4,000 Hmong refugees back to Laos, despite the wishes of the UN and the United States. [Reuters]
• Sorry, nerds! The iPhone is no longer available to New York City-based online buyers, due to a Grand Conspiracy. [CNET News]
• Director Roman Polanski spent the holiday season at a Swiss chalet and penned a thank-you letter to all his supporters, who are appalled that he might have to go back to the US to answer to a decades-old court case involving sex with a 13-year-old. [Guardian]

It’s not New Year’s until the ball drops in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, and Christmas celebrations cannot begin until a woman knocks over the Pope on Christmas Eve. And so began another Feliz Navidad around the world, once the lady knocked down the Pope. Happy Holiday, CNN online editor stuck working on Christmas Day! [CNN International]

Here’s a special Xmas Photo of your president and first lady “getting down” (that’s Chicago ACORN talk) with the red space monster “MUNO” from teevee’s Yo Gabba Gabba. Who would want to go to Hawaii when you could do this all night, in front of a portrait of George Washington, WHO BUILT THIS HOUSE WITH BLACK SLAVE LABOR? [Flickr]

• Chinese dissident writer/professor Liu Xiaobo got an 11-year prison sentence for his part in a pro-reform work, Charter ‘08. So this is one of the trade-offs for living in (and being from) the world’s main country. [BBC News]
• Do you want to read a modern-yet-inspirational version of the Nativity tale? Do not read this news article: [LA Times]
• The Obamas arrived in Hawaii for their traditional “Let’s go to Hawaii and get the hell away from freezing-ass Washington” presidential vacation. Barack’s first words upon landing were “Mele Kalikimaka,” which is not a Muslim martyrdom prayer but instead is Hawaii’s way to say Merry Christmas, a very Merry Christmas, a very very Merry Merry Christmas, to you. [Honolulu Star-Bulletin]
• If you’re in, or trying to get to, Nebraska, Iowa, North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Virginia, New York or pretty much anywhere from the Midwest to the Atlantic, just relax and enjoy the White Christmas or awful flood or whatever, because baby it’s fucked out there. [Weather.com/NYT]

Beloved Nazi Pope Joseph Ratzinger was just doing whatever He does at the Vatican on Christmas Eve, when a mysterious Lady In Red just cold knocked his old Nazi ass to the floor, for like two seconds, no big, but of course it is Christmas Sacrilege to do this to this guy, the current pope and former Nazi and future Sinter Klaus. Fröhliche Weihnachten! MORE »