let's gossip about the week's top stories

No Duggars Were Harmed In The Writing Of This Post. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Yep, still gross.
Happy Memorial Day, gentle readers! We usually do the sexy, exciting Top Ten Stories Of The Week post on Sundays, but it is a holiday, which means it is still the weekend, hurray! Now, usually your top ten most favoritest stories cover a range of topics, but this week, SPOILER ALERT, it’s Duggar-Thirty and you’ve got an appointment. By this point, you probably already know that Josh Duggar, adult son of Jim Bob and Michelle, has a history of kid-touching. But there were very ...
  no fighting in the war room!

We Are Now, As Ever, At War With Eastasia. Happy Memorial Day From Yr Wonkette.

Arlington National Cemetery on Memorial Day
  While the editorial “we” is house style at Wonkette, we will use the less-pretentious “I” for the duration of this post, because we can occasionally turn the snark off, we swear. Starting now. The Washington Post has pulled together a sobering chart that allows readers to determine what percentage of their lives the United States has been at war. It’s worth a look — I was born in 1983, so as long as the Global War on Terror continues for a couple more ...
  Reading Is Fundament-al

High School Teacher Canned For Teaching Allen Ginsberg’s Filthy Buttsechs Poetry

Bias Confession: I think Howl is a wee bit overrated
The children of South Windsor, Connecticut, are at long last safe from the pernicious influence of David Olio, who has been forced to resign as an English teacher at South Windsor High School after showing a video of Allen Ginsberg reading his poem “Please, Master” to his Advanced Placement English class in February. The poem, which is definitely not rated PG, apparently upset some students enough that they complained to their parents, so the school suspended and then moved to ...
  it won’t hurt a bit we swear

Step Right Up And Get Your Vaginal Probe: Your Florida Roundup

So you guys already know how dumb Florida is. But can you imagine how dumb Florida’s community colleges are? No you cannot. Here, have a gander: Two Florida college students say they were forced to submit to vaginal probes as part of a medical training program and were threatened with blacklisting if they declined. A federal lawsuit against Florida’s Valencia State College claims the school would “browbeat” students who did not consent to the exams, threatening to lower ...
  Enlightening the Lightheaded

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Deepak Chopra Has Derp Thoughts About Evolution

Close enough.
Greetings, grifters! It’s time again for the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly installment of the latest and greatest in quantum woo woo and pseudoscience. This week we have a return guest! Our favorite Oprah-approved king of quackery. No, not that one. The other one. No, not the guy with the muppet mustache. The OTHER other one. Yeah, Deepak Chopra! That “wholeness regulates dimensional reality” asshole. He has some thinking thoughts for all you naysayers who say he’s ...

How Not To Counsel Your Daughters When They’ve Been Molested By Josh Duggar

Duggar family values.
It’s okay to feel sorry for Josh Duggar — we as liberals know teenage boys’ brains haven’t finished developing yet, which is why we don’t like sending them to the electric chair. Liberals also know we are molded by our circumstances: He was so young (assuming — assuming — his sexcrime spree has ended). Plus, he’s got those parents, and all that sexual dysfunction, and the bizarre patriarchal bullshit, and the constant lessons that Eve (even in ...
  Maybe DuPont Had A Discount Coupon

DuPont Chemical Plant Kills 4 Employees, Pays $99,000 Fine. That’ll Learn ‘Em.

Chemical Plant Workers: $25K Each (Cheap!)
Just in case you were wondering, the official worth of a chemical-plant worker’s life is just a skosh under $25,000. That’s the word from the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) in its decision to fine a Dupont chemical plant in La Porte, Texas, a whopping $99,000 for safety violations that killed four workers in November 2014. At the time of the accident, which involved a release of poisonous methyl mercaptan gas used in the making of insecticides, people ...
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Stop Trying To Make ‘Hillary’ Happen. It’s Not Going To Happen.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
The Sarah Palin Channel started Memorial Day weekend a bit early this year, publishing two videos in the last week with a combined run time of just three minutes 38 seconds. Both videos were clearly shot back-to-back, with Palin wearing the same clothing, in front of the same backdrop. You wish you thought of this idea, you wish you were as good at making money as Sarah Palin. One of the videos is titled “Who Will Take On VA Reform?”, and all of the commenters are like ...
  Erin Go Fabulous

Ireland Throatcrams Itself With Marriage Equality, Shoots Gay Rainbows All Over Dublin

Beats lightning bolts
Congratulations, Ireland, it’s looking like you’ve made history as the first nation to choose marriage equality through a national referendum. While the official announcement isn’t in yet, the early tallies have “Yes” winning by wide margins, with nationwide turnout over 60% for the referendum (American turnout for the 2012 presidential election was only 57.5 percent, for what that’s worth). It’s not only supporters of the measure predicting a win; ...
  dreams can come true

Texas Oil Heir Finds Secret Of Happiness: Murdering Endangered Rhinos

This fuckin' guy.
There are, like, 5,000 black rhinos left in the wild, tops. And now there’s one fewer, thanks to Texas oil heir Corey Knowlton, who legally shot an endangered black rhino and then legally brought it back to the United States, because that made Corey Knowlton feel like a big strong hunting man. What, how even, please explain to us NPR. Corey Knowlton won an auction last January for a hunting permit that would allow him to kill a black rhino weighing around 3,000 pounds. […] The ...
  here comes honey oh fuck it

TLC Pulls Gross Duggars Off The Air Because Honey Boo Boo’s Mom Wanted Equal Molesting Time

18 kids and the rapey one
It would seem that TLC, which revels in taking weird, fucked up people and making them teevee stars, isn’t too keen on sex criming kids. They cancelled Here Comes Honey Boo Boo after it was revealed that the show’s matriarch, Mama June, was shacking up with a dude that child-molested one of her kids. And now TLC has pulled all scheduled airings of 19 Kids And Counting, after revelations that Josh Duggar molested his sisters. We don’t know if TLC is looking for a new ...
  redemption stories

Huckabee: That Duggar Boy Made A Mistake, Just Like When My Son Murdered That Dog

You STAY in her lap, where you're safe.
Expressions of wingnut support for Josh Duggar and his molesty past are starting to drip in, now that they’ve remembered that the focus of the narrative is REDEMPTION, because they have Jesus and you don’t. They are saved, you are going to hell. They can fuck kids, and you don’t fuck kids in the first place, but they said sorry to God, so ALL BETTER. Mike Huckabee, Arkansas BFF of the Duggar family, would like you all to know that Josh Duggar Did A Bad, but he is forgiven, ...
  Not One Of These People Is A Duggar

Pervy Virginia Dem Who Won Election From Jail Will Marry Teen Secretary, Rule Galaxy

Nothing weird in this relationship, no sir.
In a pleasant change of pace, here’s a reminder that there are lots of gross people out there whose last name doesn’t rhyme with “fugger”: Weird former member of the Virginia House of Delegates Joe Morrissey is getting married to the teenaged receptionist with whom he fathered a babby. Despite pleading no contest to a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor last year, Morrissey insists that he and his bride-to-be, Myrna Pride, never did the ...
  how rude!

Mean California Dems Won’t Let Fake Abortion Clinics Lie To Ladies And Call Them Whores :(

Did you REALLY just tell me that my IUD is a baby?
These things exist, called Crisis Pregnancy Centers (CPC’s). They like to set up in the inner city, and they act like they’re just trying to help the pregnant ladies who want abortions, but in reality, women who go there get fed whole lines of incorrect medical “info” (aka “lies”) about how abortion causes breast cancer and abortion causes ladies to be depressed forever, and so on. Sometimes they just tell ladies they’re whores, and that ...
  Wonkette makes photo gallery like Buzzfeed

Josh Duggar Touches GOP Presidential Candidates With Same Hands What Touched His Sisters

Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.
Josh Duggar and the entire Duggar clan are Family Values People. They believe in things like Traditional Marriage and No Trannies In The Little Girls’ Room, because apparently that’s more dangerous than Josh Duggar In The Little Girls’ Room. The family’s record of open wingnuttery and anti-gay/anti-trans hate landed young Joshua a sweet position with the Family Research Council hate group, which is headed up by Tony Perkins, who started his career off by purchasing ...
  Grill This

Kansas GOP Spends Four Days Failing Extra Hard, Takes Well-Earned Four Day Weekend

As the people of Kansas head into the long weekend, they should take a moment to give thanks that their elected representatives are so dedicated to serving their needs. The state’s fiscal year is winding down and legislators are still looking for a way to make Sam Brownback’s mathematical delusions mesh with the real world, and taxpayers are shelling out over $40,000 a day for a special session because their representatives couldn’t fix the governor-inflicted budget ...
  When You're In A Hole Stop Dugging

Hey, Remember All The Times Those Duggars Warned Us How Evil Gays Threaten Children?

Dirty sex crimer or just a asshole?
Now that gross admitted child molester Josh Duggar has been outed as a gross hypocrite who molested his own sisters, we thought it might be useful to bring you a quick recap of some of the Duggar family’s noteworthy warnings about the Evils Of Homosexuality, which is a threat to YOUR FAMILY. Back in December, Josh Duggar led the Family Research Council’s effort to repeal a nondiscrimination ordinance in Fayetteville, Arkansas, and after the law was defeated, he explained to FRC ...
  they took an oaf

Oregon ‘Oath Keepers’ Declare Victory Over Federal Jackbooted Thugs, Go Home

Flawless Victory!
Back in April, a whole bunch of excitable folks with rifles and Gadsden flags started converging on Josephine County in southwest Oregon to protect a small gold mining operation from the tyranny of an out-of-control Federal Gobvernment bent on trampling individual rights beneath the jackbooted heels of oppression. Or, in sane-people terms, the Bureau of Land Management had sent the guys who owned the mining claim a letter telling them to stop development of the mine, because the BLM ...
  Trust no 1

Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President

Sometimes he likes to imagine being president
Have you noticed how perfectly reasonable people who used to wave flags and heart America and scream things like “LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, TRAITOR!” have suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, become suspicious of their government, just because the president is black and not-so-secretly wants to destroy us with terrorism and subsidized healthcare? Broken-brained Glenn Beck has noticed, so he thought he’d ask former Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R-Indicted) on his show, to figure out ...
  We all got slimed

Congrats, Santa Barbara! You Got Oiled By One Of America’s Slimiest Pipeline Companies!

You can still see some sand, so it's not that bad.
This post supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, oil industry nastiness, and coastal sliming. So here’s the good news about Tuesday’s oil spill in Santa Barbara County, California: It’s nothing compared to the 1969 offshore drilling accident that fouled hundreds of square miles of ocean. That one was the third-worst oil spill in U.S. history, while Tuesday’s spill was a mere wet fart of a spill, with only about 105,000 ...
  our well regulated militia

Mike Huckabee Will Save Gun Owners From Tyranny Of Learning How To Shoot Guns

This is what 'clearing the chamber' means, right?
Mike Huckabee visited a gun range in Johnston, Iowa, Tuesday so he could check off “Did Second Amendment Stuff” on his campaign checklist. And while he was there, he explained that he’s not especially worried about whether gun owners actually have any training in using their weapons, because for heaven’s sake, if the Founders had wanted the militia to be well-regulated, surely they’d have said something about it somewhere, maybe. A reporter asked Huckabee to ...

Gross Josh Duggar Admits To Molesting His Own Sisters, Resigns From Family Research Council

This story has been updated with news of Josh Duggar’s resignation from the Family Research Council, see below. Wednesday, Wonkette reported that Josh Duggar, who now works for the anti-gay Family Research Council hate group, had been accused of maybe sex criming a minor, when he was 14. Wonkette used a lot of “allegedly” in our report, because there was a lot that hadn’t been confirmed, and people sure do hate the Duggars, with good reason. However, InTouch ...