In Case You Missed it

Wonkette Week In Review: Here’s What All The Cool People Were Reading This Week

While you’re snowed in (you’re not? Lucky!) this weekend, why not take a moment to catch up on some of the fine Wonkets that you may have missed during the week? You know the drill by now — we tally up the most-shared stories of the week on our Facebook page, list them here as ...
  A Sojourner In A Strange Land. A Very Strange Land

Obama Said Words From The Bible, Is That Even Allowed?

He's stealing our worship words!
Newest Rightwing Butthurt: In his speech on immigration reform, Traitor Usurper Friend Of Lawbreakers Barack Hussein Obama, who never mentions Jesus on Easter or Christmas, actually referenced the Bible, and now that’s a terrible thing. As part of his address, Obama said, “Scripture ...
  Hell YEAH

Let’s Enjoy Watching Elizabeth Warren Kick Some More GOP Ass, For America

On Wednesday, Sen. Elizabeth Warren spoke at the Center for American Progress where, as we’ve come to expect from her, she used her big ol’ professorial brain to little-wordsplain at us how America used to be, how it should be, how Republicans effed it all the heck up, and how we ...
  Mull this over (get it?)

Have Some Hot Rum Cider To Warm Your Cold, Bleeding Heart

Is it cold where you are? So much for global warming, har har har. Are you sober? If you answered yes to either of those questions, have we got the remedy for you! It’s mulled apple cider, with booze. You can buy mulling spices already mixed up, or you can make your own blend, according ...
  Starting to lose count here

Are There Any Women Bill Cosby Didn’t (Allegedly) Rape?

No, none come to mind
When woman after woman kept coming forward in the Tiger Woods adultery scandal, I kept hoping it would hit 18, just for all the wonderful “18 holes” jokes that would practically write themselves. It was pretty easy to keep lighthearted about that whole thing because the sex was consensual, and ...
  Unimpeachable Logic

House Finally (FINALLY) Sues Obama, For Doing Thing House Wanted Obama To Do

Almost sure that's not in Beckett
In a master stroke of timing, the House of Representatives has finally filed that big lawsuit against Barack Obama for his tyrannical actions in using executive orders as if he were some kind of president or something. As you recall, we thought it was dead, only, like Snake Plisskin, it turns ...
  Listen to the man with an onion around his belt

John McCain Snarls At Young GOP Punks To Get Off His Lawn

Ugh, kids these days
Sure, you might think the whole Republican Party has gone round the bend and off the deep end about President Obama’s decision to destroy America (again!) with his unprecedented executive action on immigration. But no, that is A Illusion because a few young congressional newbies are ...
  Accuracy In Slut Shaming

Anti-Abortion Lady Does Math Proving Abortion Is Fake

Maybe you should try video game design...
So Thursday on the Twittersphere, some pro-choice ladies had a big internet event, telling their own stories of having had abortions, with the goal of reducing the stigma of talking about a legal medical procedure that one in three women have had. The 1 in 3 Campaign featured a hundred people ...
  How fast would Jesus drive?

Pat Robertson Finds The One Thing In The World That Is Not A Sin

Zoom-zoomin' for Jesus
Televangelist huckster Pat Robertson is an expert on sin. In Robertson’s special-just-for-him version of the Bible, basically everything is a sin. Like wives who don’t put out — they are tools of the devil, and you should divorce them immediately. Sweaters from Goodwill? Yeah, ...
  Joe Arpaio Me Oh My Oh

America’s Toughest Sheriff And Dumbest Lawyer Team Up To Sue Obama

A legitimate lawman extends his pinkie when showing his badge. Like Scud the Disposable Assassin would
In what promises to be a Very Important Legal Challenge to an out of control dictator, serial publicity whore Joe Arpaio, who’d rather play Border Patrol than enforce boring laws about robbery and sexual assault and stuff, has teamed up with failed revolutionary and terrible lawyer Larry ...
  humanum

Vatican Throws Festival Of Homophobia

  What you see above is not, despite all appearances, your freshman roomie’s botched and infected yin-yang tattoo, but a symbol of unity and celebration! It celebrates the matched sets of opposite-sexers who keep our planet from flying apart, according to the organizers of ...
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Remember When That ‘Reporter’ Yelled At Obama About Immigration? (Video)

We just love the woman leaning forward in disbelief
To kick off her recap of how Barack Obama shredded the Constitution for the 165th time, Rachel Maddow reminds us of that exciting moment in 2012 when Barry was announcing his Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) executive order, and while he was speaking, some moron who works at Tucker ...
  Here have some news n stuff

Ben Carson Getting Fingered By God

Not actually Ben Carson we don't think
Dr. Ben Carson is still thinking about thinking about running for president in 2016, in case you did not get the last eleventy zillion memos, newsletters, and singing telegrams. And look, here he is again, giving an interview again, about the same subject again, which we are supposed to take ...
  Let's watch America burn -- together!

Watch President Obama Invite All The Messicans To Destroy America

President Obama is announcing his plans to unilaterally and unconstitutionally and unpresidentially make a few tweaks to our current immigration clustermess — just like Hitler, Stalin, Insert-your-favorite-dictator-of-choice did. Please note this is supposed to be a super-secret message ...
  The Far Right Stuff

Incoming Nevada Speaker Ira Hansen Is Your New Favorite Wingnut

Listen: Nevada Republicans are not interested in your “bipartisanship” or your “getting along” or your “logic and facts.” As soon as they took over the state House, they chose as their new Speaker one Ira Hansen, a gentleman who, according to the Reno News ...
  aye yai yai!

Evil Obama Planned To Send Secret Messages To Browns Only

He's in megalomaniac mode now, back to effete snob tomorrow
Thank goodness for the wingnuts, who are keeping tabs on El Jefe Barack de la Martinez Diaz Obama and his conspiracy with the racists of La Raza to stealthily send hordes of brown people to conquer America while all the godly white people are distracted by their NASCAR and their Serial ...
  Takin’ hits from the bong

Grammaw Queefs A Spliff

Don't bogart that bong, grandma
What happens when three grandmothers who’ve never gotten high before decide to try out The Reefer? Some dudes in Washington State — where it is perfectly legal for grandmothers to get recreationally high — decided to find out. And it is THE BEST. “I was too busy raising ...
  Duckworth Dynasty

Congratulations, Tammy Duckworth! You Know How Babby Is Formed!

Big congratulations to Rep. Tammy Duckworth of Illinois, and her husband, Bryan Bowlsbey, on the birth of their daughter, Abigail O’kalani Bowlsbey. The young’un was born on Tuesday, but her arrival was just announced this morning. In a statement, Duckworth said: “My husband ...
  It's Not Because He's Fat It's Because He Eats Babies

What Is Chris Christie Doing To These Babies?

Chris Christie, he’s a hell of a nice guy, no matter what that goldurned New York Times Magazine says. (They called him masterful and a winner, basically, in many many many words that we did not read all of, because author Mark Leibovich was basically jacking off on the page, and it made ...
  We Don't Interrupt This Program...

Today’s Top Network Excuses For Not Running Obama’s Immigration Speech (1. He’s Black) Updated!

Now it's a few hundred, and still nothin' on.
Update/new development: Yr. Wonkette is psychic once again! (see end of post) Barry Bamz is going to single-handedly overthrow the rule of law tonight, but the teevee networks have decided not to carry the speech, because come on, it’s only a presidential speech, and those are lame. Or ...
  Crime Of Cash-In

Making A Hippity Hop Album Basically Same Thing As Murder

File Photo: the average Californian voter, or D.A., whatever.
San Diego prosecutors are doing their darnedest to make sure a man goes to jail for the rest of his life for a crime he didn’t commit. That’s not a matter of conjecture, like, “No, he’s totes innocent.” Prosecutors aren’t even trying to say he committed a ...
  Here Is A Caption Contest For You All To Suck At

Caption This Picture Of Rand Paul And Al Sharpton (Badly!)

This happened: Please try to not fail at captioning this picture appropriately in the comments, which we do not allow. For added inspiration, we offer you this gem from Rand Paul, one of the leading members of the “Republican Rainbow Coalition”: I don’t think there has been anybody ...