mommyblog and recipe hub

Lather Up Your Sexy 4th Of July Body With These Homemade JAMS!

Jam! Outdoors! Outdoor jam!
Is your 4th of July hot, steamy and patriotic? Cool your body off with some nice summer JAM! This recipe was originally published here, but now it is here! Enjoy! Are you sick and tired of buying factory made jam? Good, me too. Abandon your jars of unnatural concentrates and throw away the shackles of commercially prepared pectin! We are going to make our own jams! It’s August, when the temperatures are south of hell. Fruits and vegetables are reaching their peak flavors, though. Anything ...
  Coming Again To Save The Motherfuckin' Day

A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos

'Merca!
For your America Day enjoyment, we proudly present this retread/update of a 2011 post by “Wonkette Jr,” whose actual identity is lost to time — truly, we are standing on the shoulders of an unknown giant. Since not even YouTube is Forever, we also pruned the dead links and added all-new Patriotic Content! In case you fall off a diving board or something this weekend, and land on your head and forget what country you’re in, this is a pretty good weekend, because there ...
  Open up and say mmmrfffghhhlll

What Is Wonkette Ramming Down Your Throat This Fourth Of July?

Try THIS at home.
This post originally ran … a different time! But now it is for the Fourth of July, so that you may eat the corn dogs that spring forth from it. Corn dogs. It has come to this, and the devil is dancing tonight! Corn dogs are the terribleness. I was up on Faceborg, drunk, and Trix found me out. I have been dispatched to bring this special summertime delight to Yr Wonket, because this is an urgent, necessary evil. If we are to bear the miseries of this world, we need to be able to tell ...
  How was YOUR dumb week?

Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week

Editrix can have Old Handsome Joe Biden, we like Sexy Obama.
Oh look at the White House all BRAGGIN’ and shit. That Nice Time video above was provided to yr Wonkette (and by “provided,” we mean we went to the White House website and copied the embed code) as a way of illustrating how Barack Obama just had one of the most badass weeks of his entire presidency, a week bigger than the best weeks of Sarah Palin’s, Ronald Reagan’s, your mom’s, and Jesus’s presidencies COMBINED. Oh look at me, I’m Barack ...
  Paramilitary Feminists Invade White House

Girl Scouts Sneak Past Secret Service, Camp Out On White House Lawn

Ok, this is just all kinds of cute — to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the National Parks system and Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” healthy-stuff initiative, and also because there’s just never a bad time to have photos of smiley kids with the POTUS and the FLOTUS, the Obamas hosted a whole gaggle of Girl Scouts from all over the country for a campout on the south lawn of the White House. It was almost as cute as that time Obama wore a tiara or the ...
  MAYBE an EEOC employer?

HELP WANTED: Tennessee County Clerk’s Office Seeks Non-Bigot Applicants For All Positions

Or the next best thing?
GAY MARRIAGE CREATES JOBS, thanks, Obama! Positions have recently opened up in the clerk’s office in Decatur County, Tennessee. Three former employees, including County Clerk Gwen Pope, recently vacated the premises upon discovering that the entire world had come crashing down upon them, rendering them unable to perform their daily tasks, which consist of paperwork, gossiping with the sheriff about them varmints what got caught over near Bible Hill up to no good, and issuing the ...
  You're Out Of Order! This Whole State's Out Of Order!

California ‘Kill The Gays’ Lawyer Figures Amending Constitution Should Let Him Kill The Gays

Sodom and Gamera
You might remember the sexciting story (which Wonkette broke, MUST CREDIT WONKET!) of weird incognito lawyer Matt McLaughlin and his quest to get an initiative called the “Sodomite Suppression Act” on the California ballot. The initiative had the serious mission of ridding California of its troublesome sodomites, because Bible says so, and called for all homosexxicans to be “put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method.” Unfortunately for ...
  Wonkette weekend bipartisan Old Handsome Joe Biden nice time!

Watch Lindsey Graham Cry Like A Little … Oh, He’s Crying For Joe Biden. Carry On!

Good morning, Wonkers, and happy God Loves America Best Weekend! We will not be saying many “words” at you for the next couple of days — some words here and there, maybe, with most of them being “pussy” — but wanted to bring you this lovely bipartisan Nice Time of Lindsey Graham crying like a little bitch about … Old Handsome Joe Biden being “as good a man as God ever created.” Let’s do it! Well looks like Lindsey Graham is never ...
  One Last Junk Shot

Poor Oil Giant BP Has To Pay $18.7 Billion Just For Wrecking Gulf Of Mexico

Smoke on the water
This post made possible by the Patty Dumpling Endowment for Oil Spill Blogging and Oily Coastlines. Hooray, the worst oil spill ever is finally going to be paid for, at least some — BP agreed Thursday to a record $18.7 billion in fines to settle federal and state lawsuits over the 2010 Deepwater Horizon spill, which gave us such golden memories as that time when Sarah Palin blamed the spill on environmentalists, who actually didn’t have to pay anything for the spill at all, and ...
  America saw him first

Majority Of Americans Agree God Loves America Best

And that's how America was made!
Here is some interesting news, as we U.S. Americans begin our annual weekend of getting real drunk and shooting off fireworks, due to something we read in a history book about America but can’t quite remember. (Muskets were involved.) Did you know that, according to 53% of Americans, our country has a “special relationship” with God? Take THAT, 195 other countries in the world, you all are just acquaintances with God, whereas He is taking US to the prom, and is going to ...
  Not Even Worth A Pun In The Kicker Hed

‘Democrat’ Jim Webb Announces Candidacy To Be 2016’s Tim PawlentyZZZZZZZZZ

Former Virginia Senator Jim Webb announced Thursday that he’s running for the Democratic nomination for president, and we suppose that some people may have actually showed up for the announcement. Oh, actually, no, he just sent an email, which was probably a pretty smart move, considering. Webb is running for the most sincere of reasons, probably, we didn’t even check, because fuck that guy, he is well past his sell-by date. Also he thinks he’d be a good Reagan, which ...
  Giggles

Wingnut Gay-Hatin’ Texas A.G. Might Go To Jail Forever Because HAHAHAHAHA

Did baby do a bad bad thing?
Hey, remember that scummy Texas Attorney General, name of Ken Paxton, who had that huge baby tantrum over gay marriage in Texas? That was fun. Turns out he might get to avoid being throatcrammed by gay marriage after all, due to being in jail forever, for being a securities fraudster: The criminal investigation against Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has taken a more serious turn, with special prosecutors now planning to present a first-degree felony securities fraud case against him to a ...
  'Jesus Wants You Dead' Is Pretty Bad Theology

Death-Threatening Loon Just Death-Threatening Lady Pastors For Their And Jesus’s Own Good

Messing with Southern church ladies? Bad idea.
Just in case Southern black church members weren’t already worried enough about racist holy warriors dropping in for Bible study and arsonists burning down their churches, now at least three female pastors in South Carolina have received threatening letters explaining to them the simple Biblical Truth that women shouldn’t be preachers, so they need to die. Religion does so much to bring people together, doesn’t it? We’ll grant that it’s a lot better when ...
  Geraldo too!

Killer Mike Doesn’t Hit His Wife, And Other Reasons Hip-Hop Is More Moral Than Bill O’Reilly

Kinda!
It’s a common trope, if you are a right-wing bigot: Racism doesn’t hurt black people, hippity-hop rap music hurts black people, what with its jiving and twerking and PULL THOSE PANTS UP, and BACK IN MY DAY! In recent months, Fox News white geniuses Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Geraldo Rivera and so many others have all done their own cover versions of the same song. If rap music wasn’t oppressing our innocent black children, racism would be over and “reverse ...
  Goin' To The Chapel And We're Gonna Get Married Married Married

Sincerely Held Belief In Publicity Inspires Reality TV Polygamists To Apply For Marriage License

This stuff is pretty good, actually. Made in Park City, Utah.
In a move calculated to make every fundagelical family-values type scream “We told you so!” a polygamous Montana guy has applied for a license to marry his second wife, so that she can be just as legally married to him as his other wife. We’re quite certain that we should take everything Nathan Collier says about his struggle for freedom, dignity, and equality at face value, because he is a genuine Reality TV star, or at least the focus of a guest appearance on Sister ...
  give a dog a bone

Obama Set To Legalize Dog-On-Boy Rape, Says Clinically Sane Tom DeLay

“This is coming. And it’s coming like a tidal wave.” Tom Delay, the former Speaker Majority Leader of the House of Representatives — really, the national one! — knows a tidal wave of coming when he sees one, and the tidal wave of coming that is coming is this here “secret memo” from the Department of Justice that will legalize “the 12 perversions,” including bestiality, pedophilia, raping little boys, and like nine others, depending on ...
  the wedding klanner

This GoFundMe Sh*t Is Really Getting Out Of Hand

Americans love a good grift. This is why we have Sarah Palin, televangelists, and bigot bucks for gay-hating pizza. But while we’ve all had a good vomit-laugh at the rubes tithing to sad White Knight Deli owners, this shit has now officially gotten the fuck out of hand: The sister of the Charleston church shooter, Dylann Roof, is asking the public for donations–but not for her brother. Amber Roof is asking for $5,000 on a Go Fund Me page to pay for her and her fiance’s ...
  Sloppy 50ths

Bobby Jindal Will Protect Straight Marriage The Bestest, He Can Be President Now? (Updated)

Bless his dumbass heart.
Gov. Bobby Jindal, you petulant little shit. You see, the Supreme Court spoke last week on the subject of marriage equality, and pretty much all the other states are in compliance, or on their way to getting around to doing that. Oh, there are some whiny-ass court clerks and probate judges with martyr complexes, stomping up and down about how they’re going to have to resign their jobs, due to EW GAY, because their dumb fucked-up version of Christianity compels them to put their ...
  Go In Dumb Come Out Dumb Too

Giant Pussies At LSU Fire Professor For Saying Bad, Bad Words

Really. What the actual fuck?
For your “You have got to be fucking kidding me” files, we present the story of Louisiana State University associate professor Teresa Buchanan, who was fired effective June 19 for having “sexually harassed” her students — if, that is, you buy the idea that occasionally saying “Fuck no” (and other variations on the Fuck-word) and having told a slightly off-color joke during class constitutes “sexual harassment.” No, we are not fucking ...
  Bernie Desire

Total Joke Bernie Sanders Draws Ten Thousand For Wisconsin Rally, LOL What A Joke

Screencaps of Bernie smiling are a bit difficult to find
Senator Bernie Sanders had a record crowd at a rally Wednesday in Madison, Wisconsin, drawing nearly 10,000 people to yet another packed event. It’s just the latest huge crowd for Sanders, who has been polling surprisingly well against Hillary Clinton in Iowa and in New Hampshire. We like Bernie so much that we’re even willing to put up with people yelling “Feel the Bern!” Maybe. We’re almost starting to think that all this Bernie enthusiasm is catching on ...
  Peas

Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole

Not in guac you don't.
Bipartisan unity was at last achieved in these United States on Wednesday after the Grey Lady, the paper of record, suggested something so horrifying that every God-fearing, patriotic American recoiled in disgust, fear and also more disgust. The Times suggested that, this 4th Of July weekend, we ought to all be putting PEAS in our guacamole. Read this blasphemous poppycock: Adding fresh English peas to what is an otherwise fairly traditional guacamole is one of those radical moves that is ...
  Justice Of Miscarriage

Miscarrying Lady Almost Dies At Catholic Hospital, But At Least She Didn’t Get An Abortion

How cool is Steve Brodner? Cool enough that he gave us permission to use this within five minutes of asking!
Oh, Wonketteers, you’re going to want to remove any heavy objects from the vicinity of your computer before you read this one, lest you hurl anything through your monitor (mobile users are advised to tie down their throwing arms). Tuesday, a federal district judge in Michigan dismissed a woman’s lawsuit against the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops and three chairs or former chairs of the Catholic hospital chain that owns Mercy Health Partners’ hospital in Muskegon, ...