Ain't gonna work no way no how

Let’s Go To Rehab With Josh Duggar And Learn How To Give Our Penises To Jesus

Duggar's looking forward to the laying on of hands part.
Once upon a time, a teenage boy called Josh Duggar got in BIG trouble with his fundamentalist Christian mom and dad, for sticking his fingers inside his sisters, so they sent him to a big city called Little Rock, where a “family friend” could teach him not to do that anymore, through professional counseling doing manual labor and talking about Jesus a whole bunch. And it worked! (They say.) Josh Duggar never diddled a family member again! (That we know of.) And when he was ...
  Resign Already

Screw You Guys, Gov. Paul LePage Gonna Go Be A Senator Now

Stupider things have happened
Maine Gov. Paul LePage has apparently not been paying attention to all the mail requesting that he resign, but he does at least have some thoughts about leaving office eventually. Like maybe he’ll run for the U.S. Senate in 2018 against mustache model and independent Sen. Angus King, a thought that LePage had floated before, only to proclaim that he was joking. But maybe this time he’s serious. Or MAYBE HE’S “JOKING” AGAIN, you simply cannot tell with Paul ...
  Profiles in Courage

Donald Trump Takes Bold Stand Against Hitler

Would ya check out the big beautiful balls on this guy? No wonder Republicans love Donald Trump for being willing to make with the tough talk that all those other “gutless” candidates are too afraid of: Trump has already secured the Latino vote, by demonstrating how he will deport all of them to Mexico, though the American kind will be allowed to pass back through a special door in his beautiful Trump Wall, “because we want the legals to come back into the country.” ...
  Acquitted Child Killer Says What?

George Zimmerman Opposes Racist Hate Crimes Now, Hooray!

He thinks good
You have probably been wondering, ever since the horrible news broke yesterday, “Say! What does unemployable child-killer George Zimmerman think about the unspeakable killings of two young television journalists in Virginia? I am looking forward to his insights!” Happily, Mr. Zimmerman obliged a world that was waiting for his opinions on the matter, and took to the Tweetosphere, that we might all drink deeply of his wisdom. You will be astonished to learn that Mr. Zimmerman ...
  When the levee breaks Jindal will still be A Idiot

Bobby Jindal Begs Obama Not To Say Dumb Climate Change Stuff On Katrina Anniversary

Obama probably shouldn't mention weather either.
Big anniversary happening on Saturday! Ten years ago, Hurricane Katrina made landfall in Louisiana, and the storm and the levee breaches it caused altered the course of history for New Orleans and surrounding areas. And, as governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal knows the city is in danger again, this time from that foreigner president of ours. What if Obama gallivants into New Orleans and says, “Climate change is real,” or “Science exists,” or “Bobby Jindal is a ...
  This should help

Carly Fiorina Did Great Job At Hewlett-Packard, Says Guy Who Fired Her

Carly Fiorina is still, good GAWD y’all, promising to run on her record of very nearly destroying Hewlett-Packard “all day long.” (We keep telling her this is a bad idea, but she doesn’t listen to us. Maybe that’s why she’s losing!) But now the game has changed, because she just received some very high praise for her excellent CEO-ing: “Not only did she save the company from the dire straits it was in, she laid the foundation for HP’s future growth,” Mr. ...
  What's The Matter With KY?

Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky Clerks Having Real Bad Week

Yaoi? Yowie!
Pour out a 40 for the gay-hating county clerks of Kentucky, who are losing their brave battle to refuse to do their jobs in the name of Jesus. First up, we have Kim Davis, the clerk of Rowan County, who was told by a federal appeals court Wednesday that she really does have to issue marriage licenses, because that is the job of a county clerk. The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 6th Circuit was not at all impressed by Ms. Davis’s contention that she can ignore her job duties because ...
  The Gay Race War is real wait no it isn't

We Must Join With Ben Shapiro To Stop The Gays From Killing Again!

Oh look, it's the gays, taking away Ben Shapiro's freedom.
Wednesday’s news was awful. Alison Parker and Adam Ward, a reporter and a cameraman with WDBJ-TV in Roanoke, Virginia, were murdered in cold blood, on television, for reasons we don’t fully know yet. The shooter, Vester Lee Flanagan, is dead now, by his own hand. We’ve already touched on how, for wingnuts without fully formed brains (looking directly at the men who suck Dead Breitbart’s corpse dick for a living, on the Breitbart website), the case is SOLVED, glory ...
  If you could just not

Rand Paul Suggests Black Lives Matter Focus On Other Lives Instead

Noted race expert Rand Paul chatted with fellow race expert Sean Hannity the other night, and the senator from Kentucky had some terrific advice for Black Lives Matter, for which its leaders will no doubt be sending him an Edible Arrangement to express their gratitude. Sure, the movement has recently released its own platform, called “Campaign Zero,” detailing 10 policy solutions, none of which are “cut taxes” or “more dads and better morals.” So clearly, ...
  Real Journalists Use Roofies

James O’Keefe Releases SHOCK VIDEO Of Hillary Campaign Torturing Puppies

All the gravitas, all the veritas, all the smarmitas
Self-important Hefty bag of slime mold James O’Keefe has released a shocking new video showing Hillary Clinton campaigners in Iowa shockingly discussing ways to get Hillary Clinton elected. The Clinton campaign told Time magazine last week that it suspected people pretending to be volunteers for O’Keefe’s “Project Veritas” were trying to entrap Iowa campaign workers into saying something dumb or illegal. The beauty of O’Keefe’s operation is that ...
  Gotta recharge their engines and shit

Godly Christian Fame Whores Call In Sick To YouTube

Before things went bad at the vlogger conference, when they were still just good looking.
It’s been a tough run for Sam and Nia Rader, the Jesus-loving fame-fellating YouTube “celebrities” who just wanted to prove they are as worthy of wealth and fame as the Duggars, but much more good looking obviously. So it is time for a SNOOZE-CATION from the old 9-to-5, or whatever hours YouTube requires them to be awake and sentient. Consider this timeline of events: Raders release video that answers age-old question, “Can Christian vloggers both be incredibly good ...
  Making America Grate Again

Donald Trump Fanboy Can’t Believe Univision Anchor Even Allowed In White People’s America

That's one Ugly American there
So here’s a charming addendum to Tuesday night’s Donald Trump presser in Dubuque, Iowa, when the Human Flannel Moth deported Univision news anchor Jorge Ramos for being out of line. Once Ramos was out in the hallway, an as-yet unidentified Trump wannabee decided that it was time to give the veteran newsman a good talking-to. Not that the guy knew Ramos was a veteran newsman; all he could see was an uppity foreigner who needed to “go back to Univision.” “You are very ...
  Ugh he is so gross

Josh Duggar In Sex Rehab Again, Because Check Out What He Did To This Porn Star

This is Danica Dillon. She is helping take down the disgusting Duggar family. She is also a porn star.
Wonkers, please introduce yourselves to porn star lady Danica Dillon. “Hi, Danica!” says the Wonkers. What kind of gross stuff does our new friend Danica have to tell us about Josh Duggar and the stuff he does with his penis? Oh, just that, while his wife, Anna, was heavy with child, Josh was heavy with a desire to pay Ms. Dillon upward of a couple grand to let him do sex to her, TWICE, in a rough, creepy, “terrifying” way. She did not like getting fucked by a ...

Uh Oh, We Almost Forgot To Thank The Menfolk For All This Awesome Equality

If it keeps the terrorists from winning, it's still civic-minded.
Aw, nut sack. What with doing our job all day, we almost forgot to take a moment to freshen up, slip into something pretty, fix you fellas a nice cocktail, and thank you OH SO MUCH for letting us vote. You know us girls! If it’s not about shopping and babies, it just flies right out of our silly little girl brains. It’s amazing we make it through the day at all! In case you don’t have it marked on your calendar, Aug. 26 is the day we remember how nice it was of all the ...
  Dog Day Afternoon

It’s National Dog Day. Pretty Sure We Could All Use Some Doggies About Now

Go, corgis, go!
We were getting all ready to end this perfectly shitty news day by sharing photos of the new panda babies at the National Zoo, but even that story went all to hell this afternoon, with the death of one of the two cubs. Which honestly isn’t that much of a surprise, since giant pandas are extremely difficult to breed in captivity (but at least we’re getting better at it). Forget pandas. They’re adorable idiots who don’t evolution good. At least not when there’s a ...
  With Liberty And Justice For All Who Survive

Here’s How The Second Amendment Has Prevented Tyranny Lately

Sawed-off shotguns: They're in the Constitution!
While we know guns had nothing to do with the tragedy today that took the lives of Virginia TV station WDBJ reporter Alison Parker and cameraman Adam Ward, in addition to the suicide of the shooter, a disgruntled former employee of the station, we thought we’d mention some other recent deaths in which guns had nothing to do with anything. Because while it’s far too soon to talk about guns in relation to the Virginia murders, maybe it’s not too soon to talk about these ...