Do you remember Nancy French? She is the lady who writes all single-teen-mom Bristol Palin’s blog posts yelling at President Obama for not giving children a mother and a father, because gays. (It is that weird sad Maggie Gallagher Syndrome, where her boyfriend or whatever ditched her so she has redirected her rage onto Adam and Steve and whatnot with their whoozits in the uh-oh, NOM NOM NOM.) Anyway, Nancy French has done a thing in her own name this time, and that is that she has TRIUMPHED over SMUT, aka self-help books that teach you how to give good lady-head being displayed RIGHT IN THE SEXUALITY AISLE where customers might see them! No, they will just have to be in brown wrapper behind the counter please, these disgusting “books” what teach you how to bring your lady to orgasm, as if any lady would even WANT such a thing! READ MORE »
Thursday, 4PM, is the time that four or so random people will gather in D.C. for a House Judiciary Committee hearing to determine whether there’s any validity to the claim that abortion after 20 weeks causes pain to the fetus, the basis of a nice bill called H.B. 3803 that would ban abortion after 20 weeks in D.C. The hearing was orchestrated by a man in a very far away, very particular state, Arizona, named Trent Franks, who is, recall, Obama’s biggest fan and also a lover of zygotes and the author or co-author of some of the most super creative insane anti-abortion bills ever. So far, the people showing up to this hearing include a female obgyn who teaches at Northwestern, a male professor from West Virginia University, and a male obgyn. Oh, and some woman who teaches writing in D.C.? Huh? Franks’ idea is to get H.B. 3803 funneled quickly on to the Supreme Court, bien sur, and so he has politely declined to invite people who might present arguments from the other side, like Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton, who represents D.C. and thus the women who would be affected by this bill, if it passed. Anyway, this must happen! Because the founding fathers are apparently rolling in their graves! They are also very disappointed about other developments that have occurred since their deaths, including antibiotics, NASA, television and the iPhone. READ MORE »
Uh oh, Chuck Schumer saw something in the papers the other day and is already legislating. What dumb caffeine product is it today? Gross candy alcohol caffeine or inhalable powder caffeine? Well look at that, it’s not even a funny consumer product at all — he’s going after Eduardo Saverin, the “good guy” from the Facebook movie who’s still so awful that he renounced his U.S. citizenship to live in tax- and regulation-free Singapore. Schumer, working with Bob Casey, didn’t quite name it the “Fuck That Awful Facebook Guy Act of 2012.” Instead, it’s the “Ex-Patriot Act,” which is still appropriately catty. This is a wonderful bill that will never pass! READ MORE »
Way back when your Comics Curmudgeon went to D.C. to make sure George W. Bush wasn’t going to pull off a coup at the last second, he would have never believed that he’d ever say anything nice about the dude, but here we are three years later and here’s something nice: George W. Bush has, for the most part, had the good grace to go away. Cheney’s only being kept alive by elaborate machinery, and yet he still demands to be wheeled out now and again so he can sneer ominously about something, but George W. Bush, he’s mostly been hanging out on the couch of his exurban McMansion, catching up on all the shows he Tivo’d during his presidency. Well, not really, because he watched TV six hours a night when he was president and probably doesn’t know how to operate a Tivo, but the important part is that he wasn’t all up in our grill, reminding us why we hate him. That winning streak ends today with the announcement that “he’s” working on a new book (or maybe he’s “working” on a new book?) about how to encourage economic growth, which HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, hold on a minute, we just have to HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ok let’s nope HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop this disgusting epidemic, and this week, invited another group of children to the White House, this time to talk about America’s least favorite sport: soccer! That underwear model David Beckham was there, as well as his team, whatever it’s called. Well, the Europeans must have really liked this soccer nonsense, because today, a province in southern Italy decided to dedicate a tree to our FLOTUS. Of course, in our country we prefer to name stadiums and highways after our most treasured icons, but they don’t have those things in Europe. It’s just Vespas and cigarettes, as far as the eye can see. READ MORE »
Do you kids like the TED talks? They’re a series of conferences where David Brooks pretends to explain scientific innovation or a “social media pioneer” babbles about how clicking a new computer button on a computer program will save Africa or… well, let’s just see what the top video on their website is right now: “David Kelley: How to build your creative confidence.” We’d rather listen to John McCain sing Ke$ha. “Bart Knols: Cheese, dogs, and pills to end malaria.” Oh my god. “Reuben Margolin: Sculpting waves in wood and time.” Whatever, fraud. “José Bowen: Beethoven the businessman.” Each one is just a fresh new apocalypse. Why not post a talk about, say, the major socioeconomic issue of our era, income inequality and stability? Apparently this would have been too “political” for the TED folks, so they won’t post it online. This deserves some extraordinarily negative feedback. READ MORE »
As France’s new president, François Hollande (in his little suit), is busy making German Chancellor Angela Merkel believe in stimulation, he’s also been filling up his 34-person cabinet with women (17!), non-Parisians (18!), people under 40 (7!), and fierce anti-globalists (1!). His picks have been described as “moderates,” but the wingnuts over at The Independent Sentinel are probably saying pfftttt! to that because “They are already beyond the pale in France. A friend of mine just told me that if you have four children on welfare in France, they give you a car.” Réveillez-vous, moutonnes! (Wake up, sheeple!)
The world media is trying to keep up with it all, feverishly doing backgrounders about each new appointee, including a certain Jean-Marc Ayrault, who was selected as the new French Prime Minister. This created a leetle problem for the Arabic media because…
Mr. Ayrault’s name is pronounced Ayro, which in Arabic translates to “his penis.” READ MORE »
Sometimes when you’re watching reruns of not-so-old TV shows, you wonder about what ever happened to the bit players. I mean, sure, Joey from Friends will never have to work a day in his life again (which is good, because he probably won’t), but what if you’re one of the ladies who played his interchangeable girlfriends? Do you burn out of Hollywood and end up back at a boring office job, and you have to make occasional sales calls where people say “Didn’t you have sex with Joey from Friends in 1998?” and then it’s super-awkward. Similarly, we know that the big stars of the 2008 presidential campaign will be senators and/or grifters for as long as they want to be, but what about the supporting cast, like beloved orange moderate ex-Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who could have been Vice President, but then wasn’t? What’s he doing with his time, other than staring off into space and thinking about how he wasted his life? We already know that he’s working as some kind of TV lawyer shill, but did you know he’s also involved in some sordid case where the ex-head of the Florida GOP is trying extort money from him, possibly for gayness-related reasons?
Billionaire Republicans Have Fool-Proof Secret Weapon Against Obama That Will Totally Work This Time
Uh oh! It looks like some rightwing Chicago Cubs owner (?) has a secret plan to spend millions finally showing America the real Barack Hussein NOBAMA via his shadowy association with a man no one has ever heard of before and whose name you will not even recognize because of how this has never been covered! Stupid LAMESTREAM MEDIA! Time to get fitted for your inauguration crown, Governor Romney, because Bamz is about to get blown out of the water by this new, never-heard-before, super-shocking revelation!
The plan, which is awaiting approval, calls for running commercials linking Mr. Obama to incendiary comments by his former spiritual adviser, the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr., whose race-related sermons made him a highly charged figure in the 2008 campaign.
Who? Your Wonkette has never heard of that person, because of how stupid old John McCain would not let Steve Schmidt or the other heroes of his 2008 campaign focus on race-baiting, because he is a jerk. It seems — don’t quote us, we are just jumping into this new information that nobody knew until now — that Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. is a pastor, and he is black and controversial! READ MORE »
What a busy few weeks it has been for VP Bitchen Camaro! There was Gentle Joe, singlehandedly making the world safe for gay love, and Scrappy Joe, singlehandedly making the world safe for little picked-on kids (with his fists!), and now there is Class War Joe, cold yellin’ at rich people like they are responsible for trashing the economy or something. Joe Biden contains multitudes! But Noah Rothman, one of Mediaite’s house conservatives, simply does not care for this version of Joe. READ MORE »
It is time for another Arizona politics bedtime story! Undercover FBI agents running a fake real estate company bought former Tempe City Councilman and current state Representative Ben Arredondo a few thousand dollars’ worth of tickets to baseball and football games. He loved this gesture so very much that in return, “Arredondo brokered meetings between the undercover agents and other public officials, divulged information regarding the city of Tempe’s bidding process, and attempted to persuade other city officials to approve the purported development project,” allegedly, according to the indictment. If it’s this cheap to buy off corrupt Arizona politicians, shouldn’t the local underfunded public school science clubs hold a few dozen bake sales and take the proceeds over to the nearest elected official and get, say, a particle collider to put behind the gymnasium? READ MORE »
The GOP-sponsored House version of the Violence Against Women Act reauthorization has finally gotten the endorsement of the constituency it needed to bring out the richness of its full nut flavor: paranoid men’s rights activists. The National Coalition for Men, whose website features the delightful Microsoft Office-based editorial artwork pictured above, wrote a letter in support of the House GOP’s efforts to restrain Supremist Feminist demon monsters in their mad quest for world annihilation, by weakening protections for victims of domestic violence. The Democrat-backed Senate version, you see, is much too busy “empowering false accusers at the expense of true victims,” men. READ MORE »
Thank Jeebus that growing (medicinal) pot is legal in Arizona. Because if you have half a brain, you pretty much have to be stoned 24/7 in order to live there. Now, if you happen to be a woman with a brain AND an active libido, you might as well high-tail it right outa Dodge. Because Governor Jan Brewer hates your vagina. READ MORE »
Each day is an adventure for Mike Huckabee. Some days he’s all happy and a-slappin’ the bass and whizzing off churchy jokes to his elderly fan base, other days he’s angry as a constipated cockatoo in search of the great release. (Other days he is a leading possibility for President of the United States of America, but hopefully those days are over.) What’s his fucking problem now? Something about “morally repugnant political whores,” one of the more redundant phrases out there. READ MORE »
Oh that is nice, Randall Terry, the pro-life activist and “Democrat” who beat Obama in 242 percent of the Oklahoma Democratic primaries this year, has a new website, and he is inviting the “child-killers” at Your Wonkette (along with the cool dudes at RightWingWatch and the humorless nags at Jezzy) to come join him for a virtual beer!
This is awkward because Your Wonkette once made a very clever Heathers joke about Randall Terry loving his dead gay son, but then it turned out Randall Terry’s gay son was actually dead, and Your Wonkette had a brief and unwelcome (not to mention “unfamiliar”) bout with utter shame. Then we got over it, because there were children around that hadn’t yet been murdered. A woman’s work is just never done! READ MORE »
