Guns! Can live without ‘em, and with ‘em, well, we can’t live! I tell ya! But however much Obama and the Kommunist Youth are trying to take your second amendment gun fondling rights, you will always be able to keep your semiautomatic lead sprinklers, no matter how much we sensible people might try to grab them. However, there is a new, unmotivated threat to your crazy demands perfectly reasonable second amendment requests. That is *cue dramatic Bum Bum Bum* REASONABLE TEENZ! That’s right, we’re loud, we’re proud, and just let us get back to playing Fallout New Vegas already, jeez. READ MORE »
A WELL-REGULATED WONKETJUGEND 10:00 am May 18, 2013
Teen Korner For Teenz: Please Don’t Shoot Us Edition
CRACK BACK: STILL WACK 5:51 pm May 17, 2013
New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999
It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece.
So here’s the big ‘un that was blowing up all over Twitterspace last night, like a heapin’ helpin’ of exploding foamy pigshit: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the man who has done the most to singlehandedly dispel the image of Canadians as “nice,” might also be the gentleman seen smoking crack on a 90-second cellphone video that’s been seen by writers from Gawker and from the Toronto Star. You know, Mr. Mayor, when people respond to stuff like you jumping up from a meeting and running outside to slap refrigerator magnets on cars by saying “is that guy on crack?” they don’t usually expect quite such a concrete answer. READ MORE »
A SOLUTION FINALLY 5:17 pm May 17, 2013
Tea Party Has New Holy Cause: Converting Known ‘Atheist’ George Soros!
The Tea Party is the absolute worst party in American history. It’s just like every sequel — the first one is totally awesome and brings about the creation of a new country, and the second one is Hangover 2. The Tea Party Nouveau is just like that! There is a fucking monkey and a Thai drug dealer and Michele Bachmann and whatshername, that one-time part-time quitter governor lady from that faraway iglooland place. The only change we have is more racism, an overabundance of derpitude, and a House of Representatives run by the Great Orange Crier. After trying to scam the gubmint to get out of paying taxes, how can the Tea Party possibly further ruin this week? Well, the religious scholars of the Alexander Lakes Area Tea Party recently decided to open their holier-than-thou, spittle-filled pieholes and spew forth vomitous awfulness. Ready to have your afternoon day-drinking buzz killed? Let’s go!
The Alexandria Lakes Area Tea Party (ALATP), Alexandria, MN, would like to invite you to participate in a world-wide prayer campaign for the conversion of George Soros from atheism to Christianity.
Let’s see what we know about George Soros. He is worth $4.5 gazillion dollars, is totally in love with Our Kenyan Emperor, and gives lots of monies away to super-duper liberal causes. Anything else about his past? Nah, nothing important we can think of. READ MORE »
THE ELEVENTH PLAGUE 4:12 pm May 17, 2013
Bradlee Dean: Gay Marriage Results In Plague Of Rocks, Rabies
Since you read Wonkette, you are probably a ghey or a ghey-lover, so you probably reacted with a range of emotions from “cool” to “ABOUT FUCKING TIME HELL YEAH” to the news that Minnesota’s gone gay all of a sudden. What you probably did not do is gnash your teeth and rend your garments about how God will strike errrebody down for the having the married buttsecks or not caring if anyone else has the married buttsecks. No worries, though, because Wonkette’s best friend Bradlee Dean has that freakout covered:
CREATURE FEATURES 2:37 pm May 17, 2013
Raging Volcanoes, Mustard Gas In Clams, Atmospheric Carbon, And 50 More Ways To Die, In This Week’s Sci-Blog!
Welcome, Wonkeratti! It’s time once again for another strange and disturbing Wonkette Sci-Blog. Take off your eyeshades, pull out your earplugs and throw away the cork. The happy man with the glass laboratory apparatus in the photo is Charles David Keeling, Professor of Oceanography at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography for 49 years. Born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, Keeling earned his chemistry degree in 1948 at the University of Illinois, got a PhD in chemistry from Northwestern University in 1954, did postdoctoral research in geochemistry at Caltech and joined the Scripps Institution of Oceanography in 1956. He was appointed as a Professor in 1968.
He’s the scientist whose research established the steadily rising concentration of Carbon Dioxide in earth’s atmosphere from fossil fuel combustion, presented visually in one of the most famous graphs of all time: the Mauna Loa CO2 record, also known as the Keeling Curve.
“Dave” Keeling’s famous graph might never have happened but for a random bit of serendipity. His original research project at Caltech in 1956 involved extracting Uranium from granite for the nuclear power industry and had nothing at all to do with the atmosphere. Keeling’s professor talked him into working on a side project, investigating and comparing the concentrations of carbonates in surface waters, limestone and atmospheric CO2. At the time the wet chemistry methods available to measure atmospheric carbon dioxide did not have the accuracy needed for the project, so Dave had to construct a very specialized instrument — a precision gas manometer, the first of its kind.
Keeling began collecting air samples well away from any sources of carbon — cities, forests and farms — and found something interesting. The precision manometer consistently returned a value of 310 ppm for atmospheric carbon. Was this a stable background value, he thought and if so, just how stable was it? Around this time Keeling’s research came to the attention of Roger Revelle at Scripps Institution of Oceanography and Harry Wexler of the US Weather Bureau. They all worked out a global CO2 measurement program, using Weather Bureau funds with new infrared gas analyzer instruments. One of these was installed at the Weather Bureau’s brand new station on top of Mauna Loa, Hawaii — well up into the mid Troposphere and far away from any industrial carbon bias. It only took a year or two before they realized that atmospheric carbon was not constant but, in fact underwent a regular yearly cycle linked to the growth and decay of plants during the hemisphere’s growing season.
Something else was odd about the data. The concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere in 1958 was 1 ppm higher than in 1957. By 1960 the pattern of CO2 increase was significant, and Keeling published his groundbreaking paper The Concentration and Isotopic Abundance of Carbon Dioxide in the Atmosphere (pdf). This research, establishing anthropogenic carbon as a global warming agent, was cited by President Johnson’s Science Advisory Committee in 1965. Yes, that’s Nineteen Sixty Five. READ MORE »
ARGLE BARGLE 2:23 pm May 17, 2013
Peggy Noonan Writes Vomitous Spew, Cashes Large Check, Swirls Bourbon in Glass, Sighs Wistfully [UPDATED]
Peggy Noonan, the cloistered nun from the Order of Our Lady of the Perpetual Martini, has written a column of such bracing stupidity that it would shock us if it did not so closely resemble every other piece of hyperbolic twaddle spewing forth from every conservative anus right now like a molten flow of verbal diarrhea. Shall we all down a couple of beta-blockers and dive into it together?
We are in the middle of the worst Washington scandal since Watergate.
Okay Pegs, let us stop you right there. Not all of us spent the 1980s in a laudanum coma, and we remember a bigger scandal called Iran-contra, which you might have heard something about, and maybe even written a few speeches for your boss to use to try and lie his way out of it. On a moral scale, does “the IRS gave extra scrutiny to conservative groups it suspected were trying to game the system to avoid paying taxes while engaged in political advocacy” really rise to the level of high Reagan administration officials up to and likely including the Gipper himself collaborating with Iran’s mullahs to keep Americans in captivity just to win an election, and then later buying those mullahs’ silence by selling them advanced weaponry and then funneling the money to right-wing death squads in South America? For that matter, if you need a more recent example, is it a worse scandal than lying to your country in order to gain support for a half-assed invasion that has killed or wounded hundreds of thousands of people, drained our treasury, and further inflamed people who already hate us? If your moral scale is that out of whack, we’re going to suggest a recalibration is in order. Perhaps shutting your mouth hole and retiring to a real convent for several years of silence and meditation on your past sins, though honestly what you do after the mouth hole-shutting part is of no concern to us, as long as the mouth hole remains shut.
And that was only the first sentence! It can’t get worse, can it? READ MORE »
LIES DAMN LIES AND BENGHAZI 2:00 pm May 17, 2013
Republicans Fabricated Smoking Gun Emails They Maybe Illegally Leaked; Forgot To Add Smoking Gun
First, a disclaimer: We, like you, are so. Fucking. Tired! of Benghazi. If Republicans had just taken our advice, they would not be suffering in the polls because they are wasting everyone’s time, and we would not be weeping into our latte because we have to keep struggling to wring a few drops of funny out of this fucking nothingburger of a non-anything story. But this was too good to pass up: Not only were the “smoking gun” Benghazi emails that leaked this week actually devoid of anything that could be called a “smoking gun,” we now know that a) they were mostly just made up, and b) they came directly from unnamed Republican sources. READ MORE »
MO MONEY LESS PROBLEMS 12:34 pm May 17, 2013
Bill Gates Finally Finds Virus He Might Be Able to Cure
Let’s say you are a wildly successful individual and have generally accomplished a good deal in your life. You are getting older, retired from you job, and are deciding what to do with your golden years. Wisely deciding against whale oil investments and buying land next to foamy sploading pigshit, you have several options in front of you.
In the Happy Time segment of this post, we give you Bill Gates. He has once again reclaimed the title of Richest Person in the World ($72.6 billion). Since he has more money than God (third place, $62.8 billion), he has decided to SAVE THE FUCKING WORLD. His newest goal is to eradicate polio. That’s right – since he was unsuccessful at eradicating any viruses through his venture with Windows, he said fuck it, I will take on polio. POLIO PEOPLE! The thing that crippled the godfather of liberals everywhere, Franklin “Jesus” D. Roosevelt (Peace Be Upon Him). And Bill Gates wants to wipe it off the face of the earth. The man has balls of (gold-plated) steel. How does he plan to do it? READ MORE »
WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS 10:42 am May 17, 2013
Guest Post From A U.S. Marine About Barack Obama’s Shocking And Disgusting Use Of An Umbrella
Yesterday we learned of one more reason to impeach the Kenyan impostor: as he was giving his press conference with the Turkish whoever, it began to rain, and he summoned two United States Marines over to hold umbrellas over himself and his Very Important Guest. Commentors at the Free Republic howled that PBO was trying to “humiliate” the Marine Corps by “demeaning them” and “demoralizing them.” They were very mad! Then one M. Joseph Sheppard, to whom apparently we have not been paying enough attention, tried to explain: we were wrong to simply point out other presidents having umbrellas held for them. The shocking scandal was that Barack Nobumer had made Marines disregard their own code, by holding umbrellas. He cited some uniform regulations, as if a Marine performing a service for his Commander-in-Chief were the same as a Marine delicately shielding himself from the elements while humping up a mountain or to keep his hair dry while doing drillsies.
In short, M. Joseph Sheppard is A Idiot. (And so, apparently, is the rightwing shitrag Daily Mail, which also thinks Obama made Marines “break the rules,” because they are A Idiot, and also because the piece was wrote by former Daily Caller shitragger-in-chief David Martosko, most recently seen asking why Joe Biden loves child rapists.)
Nonetheless, we called our older brother, Eric Steinberg, to ask if there could possibly be anything to the nonsense M. Joseph Sheppard and the entire Internet was vomiting all over the place, before it could get on our shoes.
He started yelling. A lot. “I GUARANTEE YOU!” he yelled, “IF THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF GIVES YOU A LAWFUL ORDER YOU FOLLOW THE MOTHERFUCKING LAWFUL ORDER. IF THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF WANTS AN UMBRELLA YOU BETTER BELIEVE A WHOLE FUCKING GRIP OF JARHEARDS ARE GONNA BE HIGH-STEPPING TO BRING HIM A MOTHERFUCKING UMBRELLA!”
And then he warmed up. “IN FACT! THE REAL FUCKING SCANDAL IS THAT THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF WASN’T THE ONE HOLDING IT. ‘YOU! CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS! HOLD MY MOTHERFUCKING UMBRELLA!’”
Then he decided to calm down, and write his words, with a lot of violent ideation that would get him banned five times over for disregarding the Rules for Commenting Radicals. Do not try this at home (or in the comments).
A Reply to M. Joseph Sheppard by Eric Steinberg, once and always USMC
Shut your cockholster, you civilian sack of shit. READ MORE »
DOUCHE FIGHT 9:30 am May 17, 2013
The Only Thing Worse Than Abercrombie & Fitch Is This Anti-Abercrombie & Fitch Movement
Apparently the sack of crap CEO of awful mall store Abercrombie and Fitch, Mike Jeffries, said he doesn’t like it when you fuglies shop at his stores. He said this to Salon back in 2006 but apparently it took seven years for his mean girl comments to set off a firestorm of outrage on the social media. Your Facebook and Twitter feeds are probably filled right now with righteous indignation over A&F’s policy to only have their sweatshops make lady clothes in size 10 or smaller. Even former Cheers’ star Kirstie Alley (not Diane, the other one) has decided to boycott this purveyor of homogenized suburban conspicuous consumption because it refuses to cater to the conspicuous consuming of homogenized suburbia’s larger ladies.
And while yr Wonket celebrates the curves of all women because we once saw a Dove commercial telling us that all women are beautiful just as God made them and so long as they continue to purchase Dove-brand beauty products, it should be noted that the anti-A&F movement is a really misguided effort seeking redress of an incredibly First World problem. READ MORE »
TODAY IN GRAND FUTILE GESTURES 9:15 am May 17, 2013
Poors Pooling Their Hobo Beans To Buy Chicago Tribune And Los Angeles Times, Good Luck Poors!
Are you looking for the latest can’t-miss investing opportunity? Well sir, you can forget your whale oil and your arsenic hats and your unicycles, because King Newspaper is the hottest ticket in town! Not convinced? Then tell us, why else would literally several people be trying to raise $660 million via a “crowd-funding” site to purchase Tribune Co., the company that owns the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Baltimore Sun, and other venerable news organs? READ MORE »
WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN 8:55 am May 17, 2013
Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault
Remember November, when there were like one million gun tragedies in a row and we kept writing about them until we had horrible gun tragedy fatigue and said fuck it, because there’s only so many times you can write about dead kids before your soul hurts? That was…what is the opposite of fun? But hey! We’re getting that same opportunity for repetitive sadness and outrage fatigue thanks to the military’s parade of horribles that they placed in charge of sexual assault initiatives. Lucky!
10 days ago, the Air Force kicked off the party with Mr. Sexually-Assaults-Ladies-In-Parking-Lots. Many people noted at the time, yr Wonkette included, that maybe this just wasn’t a good career path for this dude, seeing as how he was in charge of sexual assault prevention for the entire military branch. Fast forward a whole whopping week and we had some sexual assault prevention officer for the Army crawl out from under a rock so he could be charged with not only sexually assaulting some (as in “more than one”) ladies but also, too, forcing one of his subordinates into prostitution. Take that, you fucking wussy Air Force guys! Army guys sexually assault AND pimp ladies out. The Army sexual assault prevention fellows are so utterly bad at preventing themselves from assault that an entirely different guy did an entirely different bad thing!
READ MORE »
YAWN 6:51 pm May 16, 2013
BREAKING!!1! HOUSE REPEALS OBAMACARE!!!!!!
Siren! Siren! ALL CAPS!! Politico Breaking News Email!! Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Extra! Extra!
In a wild and spectacular vote, full of legislative twists and turns, with each side employing devastating knowledge of legislative procedure, the House of Representatives kept reporters, bloggers, and all 4 viewers of CSPAN sore from sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for the outcome. Finally, just moments ago, after what can only be described as THE GREATEST LEGISLATIVE ACCOMPLISHMENT IN THE UNIVERSE EVER FORREALS, the House has (gasp!) voted to repeal Obamacare! READ MORE »
MONEY THAT'S WHAT I WANT 4:48 pm May 16, 2013
RNC Spokeswoman Admits Harry Reid Was Right About Romney’s Taxes All Along, Whoops
Oh, whoops, we do not think the spokeswoman for the Republican National Committee, and the Daily Caller (the spokespaper for the RNC), meant to confirm that Harry Reid was right about Mitt Romney paying a big gorgeous goose egg in taxes for 10 years. But they accidentally did! Oh our tangled webs and cetera!
In a big scoopy scooperson, if a bunch of conjecture could be a scoop, but sure why not, the Daily Caller asks if Harry Reid was fed Mitt Romney’s tax returns by all the dastardly liebruls at the IRS. You remember — Reid came out on the floor of the Senate and had a gay old time crowing about how he had a source, and the source told him Romney paid nada. And everybody was like YOU LIE, but it is weird that the Romney campaign didn’t falsify this completely falsifiable assertion by, you know, releasing the tax returns. (No, they didn’t. They released one year and part of another.) And now??? Well, when it is time to throw the IRS to the teabaggers, then it is time to throw Mitt Romney there, too! Take it away, Daily Caller! READ MORE »
NOT YOUR DADDY'S MARCH ON WASHINGTON 3:01 pm May 16, 2013
Civil Disobedience Gun March Guy May Not Really ‘Get’ Gandhi
For years we’ve had to endure the weird idea that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a seekrit conservative because…well, we don’t know why, actually. The whole thing is flummoxing, but we’ve learned to just tune those people out when they start explaining that the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards making sure black people can’t vote and gays can’t marry. So, conservative MLK is old news. So 2012. The new hottness is to compare your terrifying open-carry gun nut self to Gandhi. Yes, Gandhi, because why on earth not?
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