Bryan Fischer Wishes Michelle Obama Would Do Something About All These Husky Lesbians

  Called On The Carpet
Bryan Fischer, his finger ever on the pulse of the American zeitgeist (assuming that the American zeitgeist is far up his own ass, which we have no reason to doubt), is not going to make fun of a National Institutes of Health-funded study that’s looking at why lesbians may be prone to ...

Look At This Total Colorado RINO, Giving Away Slut Pills Like Candy

  Cory Gardner for feminist of the year!
Ladies and friends of ladies, you will be happy to know that Colorado’s radical feminist Rep. Cory Gardner, who is trying real hard to unseat Democratic Sen. Mark Udall, wants to give you all the slut pills for your sexxxytime — and for freedom! — unlike some people who are ...

Cultural Icon Phil The Duck Is A Homophobe Just Like Jesus

  dumbfuck dynasty
So glad we stayed for the credits to Guardians of the Galaxy
Last year’s Free Speach* martyr Phil “All Merchandise 50% Off” Robertson has him a book-shaped object out and is dutifully making the rounds of the morning news programs to try to gin up some interest in his thoughts. While promoting his collections of pages, titled ...

Fox & Friends: God Hates Feminists

  I know you are but what am I?
Attention ladies! Do you know what you want, what you really really want? Probably not, so how about you listen to these three hotties – WHOM YR WONKETTE RESPECTS FOR THEIR MINDS AS WELL AS THEIR FEMININITY – yap at you about some feminist idea or other that’s floating through their ...

Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor

  Greed Is Good
Like the bastard child of gordon gekko and scrooge mcduck.
Hey, what’s former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Hahaha) doing with all his free time now that he is no longer an esteemed member of Congress? If we had to guess, it would be gently sobbing while beating off to a montage of Ronald Reagan YouTube videos, barely visible through the shame-tears. ...

Allen West Would Like Labor Day Honoring Robber Barons And Scabs, Please

  By The Sweat Of Your Browser Shall You Eat
The Ludlow Massacre -- now THAT's worth a holiday
Great American Allen West has just about HAD IT with the shallowness of American three-day-weekend holidays, especially Labor Day, which he pretends to give a good goddamn about in a column published Monday. You see, Mr. West, who used to work for the United States Army until he disgraced ...

Idaho School District Levy Fails, So Kids Will Take P.E. Classes Online

  Michelle Obama's 'Let's Click' Campaign May Help Some
Clipart: When even modest artistic skills are well beyond your abilities
Here’s what you get when school funding meets the No Taxes Ever crowd: In the microscopic school district for the town of Lapwai, Idaho (population 1137), the voters turned down a supplemental levy last week, the second failure of a school funding levy this year. And so kids in the ...

Phyllis Schlafly Says Just Get Married, Ladies, And End Rape And Violence Forever

  Bring Back Menstrual Huts Too
Logically consistent since 1964
Veteran riot provocateur Phyllis Schlafly has a simple solution to two problems at once: If women are so all-fired worried about sexual assault and domestic violence, then they darn well better hurry up and get married instead of pursuing a career, since both rape and domestic abuse are caused ...

Mary Burke Just Might Kill Gov. Scott Walker’s Dreams of Losing GOP Presidential Primary

  2016 training wheels
o hai
Scott Walker’s job security as King of Wisconsin and Union-Buster in Chief appears increasingly precarious, even as he is road tripping to push for a promotion to that oval-shaped office in Washington. Marquette Law School just released a third consecutive poll showing the 2016 ...

John Oliver Reads YouTube Comments On John Oliver Vids, Survives (Video)

  clipbait
Can't really disagree, now that you mention it
John Oliver and his show are on vacay until next week, but he was kind enough to viral market share a few videos that they filmed before they left. And proving the old adage about mad dogs and Englishmen, Mr. Oliver paid a visit to the blazing idiocy of YouTube comments on his own videos and ...

Florida GOP Vaporizes Obamacare With Fully Operational Free Market Alternative

  Many Bocans Died For These Plans
Now, observe the power of the free market!
Florida Republicans had a great idea: Instead of expanding Medicaid under the socialist tyranny of Obamacare, they’d let the Free Market show off what it could do. So they spent $900,000 to build a website that would allow Floridians to buy private health insurance plans from ...

Rob Ford Bobbleheads, Jon Stewart Hates Himself And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
Your three-day weekend is over. Back to work, everyone. Also, don’t forget to not wear white. (Because it’s after Labor Day, see? Get it? GET IT?) You know you want one: President Obama said “immigration rights.” Time’s Zeke Miller noted that during a Labor Day address ...

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition

  the commentczar's in town
I am outraged by the poor quality of the .gifs on this blog!
Happy Labor Day, workers of the world! While you and your grillables marinate in anticipation of the big holiday Bar-B-Q/bonfire, we bring you these offerings from the comments queue. Just be careful not to leave them out too long — like mayonnaise, they go bad in the sun. First up, since ...

McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Five: Maureen Goes Gaga

  the beginning of the end
smilin bob
  Prosecutors and defense attorneys ended the fifth week of the federal corruption trial of Bob and Maureen McDonnell with their closing statements and, as a reward for not vomiting or bursting into tears at being reminded of it all, the long-suffering jury was given a reprieve in the form ...

It’s Labor Day (In Case You Didn’t Know) And Other News You Can Maybe Use

  Your morning cup of wut?
If it's Sunday ... it's probably still going to suck
Everyone enjoy having the day off, except for those of you who don’t have the day off. Also, enjoy some news. Now that NBC has gotten rid of that old host of “Meet the Press” — David something? Who can remember? — the whole gang is real excited about Chuck Todd. ...

At The New York Times, A Slow News Day

  Sunday Bloody New York Times Sunday
Fred Stein, 'Children reading newspaper' 1936
Things have quieted down in Ferguson and we have a holiday weekend, so the New York Times is full of analysis-type stuff today. There’s a pretty good piece on Democrats’ attempts to mobilize African-American voters who are outraged over Michael Brown’s shooting (and another ...

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Reveals The True Meaning of Labor Day

  We Watch So You Don't Have To
Or quit halfway through
When Sarah Palin announced her new online channel, Wonkette commenter Fartknocker ponied up the coin to buy us a year-long subscription, plus a couple beers for our troubles. This week’s installment of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, features Sarah getting ...

Wonkette Stumbles Into Molly Ivins’ Birthday Party, A Day Late And Wasted

  Dance With Them What Brung You
62 years of raising hell
We’ll get your Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday written real soon here, but first, let’s note that yesterday, August 30, would have been Molly Ivins’s 70th birthday. In our book, the only proof you need that there is no justice in the universe is the simple fact that we lost Gilda ...

Hundreds of Patriots, Cleverly Disguised As Tourists, Rally For Impeachment At White House

  Are you sure they said today?
At noon on Saturday, the Real Americans of the greater Washington, DC metropolitan area were set to celebrate National Impeach Obama Week by meeting at the White House to call for the immediate impeachment of Kenyan Usurper President Barry Soetoro. The Wonket Washington Bureau readied full team ...

Your Wonkette Week In Review: Everything You Should Have Read While You Were ‘Working’

  In Case You Missed it
Also, there are some kickass coupons for Sofas & Quills
We realize that some of you don’t spend every moment of every day clicking on our little mommyblog (what is WRONG with you?). So in our continuous quest to be Moar Servicey, we bring you this weekly roundup our very best pieces, as determined by the number of times they were shared on the ...

Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Manager Quits To Spend More Time With His (Alleged) Bribe Money

  Shell Shocker
Oh this guy, what a joker
Looks like Senate Minority Leader and Supreme Chelonian Overlord Mitch McConnell is going to have to find himself a new campaign manager after the sudden resignation of Jesse Benton, who will now have more time to hold his nose and wait for Rand Paul to snap him up for 2016. It might be a long ...

It’s A Texas Abortion Party, Who Could Ask For More?

  The Texas Choice Law Massacre
Or is this for a hysterectomy party?
Excellent news, for a while at least, maybe: A federal judge has overturned part of Texas’s terrible abortion law, House Bill 2, which means that the state’s remaining clinics can stay open. The new restrictions, which would have gone into effect Monday, required clinics performing ...