Another fine moment in GOP outreach

Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It

Hello. Do you — or someone you love, or even just like, or maybe sat next to on a bus one time — have a vagina? Did you know there is a place where you, or that other person, can go to make sure the vag is in tip-top shape, with no weird rashes or lumps or unwanted babies in it, even if you do not have health insurance or any dollars American? Of course you did, because you are not A Idiot, you know about Planned Parenthood, and how you can go there for all your vaginal health ...
  he WOULD say that

Obama Could Be President For Life, But He Doesn’t Want To. OR DOES HE?

President Obama told the African Union that he’s badass and he could win a third term as president of US America, but he doesn’t want to. Because why? Because he wants to be president of Africa, where he was born from Saul Alinsky’s vagina! No just kidding. Presidenting is HARD, and when you’re a Former President of US America, your entire life is blowjobs and candy canes and sneaking cigarettes when mean Michelle isn’t looking and oh also, you are rich: ...
  It's like 'We Are The World' Without Singing

No F*cking War With Iran, Says Everyone Including Morgan Freeman And Your Mom

Listen to your science fiction president, America
Here is a fun little ad about how to not do war with Iran. We really like it! It features Morgan Freeman, Jack Black, Queen Noor, a lady from that Oranges In Prison show, and the guy from that one movie where Ben Affleck saved America, plus an actual spy (Shhh! It’s Valerie Plame!) and a real ambassador guy who was never in a movie. Put together by an outfit called Global Zero, which has the utopian goal of eliminating nuclear weapons — surely as impossible a dream as ending the ...
  Actually Most Mad Scientists Are Just Engineers

Hillary Clinton Whips Out Her Big Science Brain To Make Republicans Jealous

Science: It's hard.
Here’s Hillary Clinton’s new campaign ad, a pleasant if not incredibly edgy Old-Horror-Movie smack at all the Republicans who are simultaneously not scientists but 103 percent sure there’s no such thing as Global Warming. Wisely, the gothic horror subtitles are kept to a minimum, giving the not-scientists plenty of time to say dumb things so we can yell at the screen, “No, you’re wrong! That’s not right at all! You are a stupid, stupid person to think ...
  you betcha

Donald Trump Wants To Tap Sarah Palin, Wonkette Dies Of Orgasms

Dumber and dumberer
Do you believe in miracles, America? Because this happened, when Donald “The Donald Trump” Trump mouth-flapped on a radio show called “The Palin Update,” and now we believe in miracles and fortune cookies and immaculate conception and Santa Claus and flying fairy dust and everything: If there is a Trump administration, could you see maybe picking up the phone, giving the governor a call, picking her brain on some things, or perhaps having her along in some official ...
  Journalism is haaaaard

New York Times Sorry For Sucking At Journalism, Again

Sorry not sorry
Our esteemed newspaper of record told a riveting EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT NEW YORK TIMES! tale last week about a criminal inquiry into Hillary Clinton’s mishandling of classified information with her personal email. And except for how it wasn’t about Clinton mishandling classified information, and the information wasn’t classified at the time, and the inquiry wasn’t criminal, it was all true! Which is why the Times quietly changed its story overnight to be slightly ...
  Mad about another thing

Here, Rage At This Dickhead American Dentist Who Murders Beautiful African Lions For Fun

Hi, I'm Cecil. A bad American man killed me. Please have Sarah McLachlan to do commercial and end this.
Didn’t we just say recently that we are not against hunting? We did say that, and it is still true, but let us clarify real fast. It’s one thing to hunt in that real Native American way, where you use the whole animal and you respect that it gave its life to feed, nourish, clothe you and whatever else. It’s even one thing to be a redneck from Mississippi (hey y’all) and go out early in the morning and kill a deer, as long as you bring us deer meat or invite us over ...
  But What About Marching Babies To The Oven Door?

Ben Carson Says Racist Obama Genociding All The Blacks

No real reason for including Raptor Jesus here. We just like Raptor Jesus better than Ben Carson.
Ben Carson took his turn to swing the Idiot Stick at that fake story about Planned Parenthood running a Fetus-Parts Thrift Shop. Not only did he repeat the usual nonsense about how terrible it is that Planned Parenthood is forcing women to have a legal surgical procedure they can’t possibly want — what woman could ever want an abortion? — he also added an Extra Bonus Lie: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Planned Parenthood, and for all we know, the San Francisco Gay ...
  Here let me yell at you

Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad

Finally legal
Hurray, the Boy Scouts of America have finally ended years of bigotry — sort of — by lifting the ban on gay adult scout leaders. We say “sort of” because individual church-led chapters still have the authority to decide they don’t wanna play by the rules and can instead continue being small-minded childish bigots, like they were promised by Jesus in the Bible. This came after former Defense Secretary and current BSA president Robert Gates explained how it was ...
  Huckabee's Marshall McLuhan Moment

Israel Tells Mike Huckabee To Shut His Stupid Squeal Hole

Time to be quiet now
Rancid dingleberry Mike Huckabee fancies himself a real expert on the Jewishes — he’s been to Israel, you know, and Auschwitz! — and he is NOT SORRY and “will not apologize” for cavalierly warning that Obama is going to burn up all the Israelites in The Ovens, with his Iranian deal. Even though the majority of American Jews support the deal, want Congress to approve the deal, and also think Huckabee is an infectious wank cloth. But NUH UH, says Huckabee, all ...
  Ivana Was Thinking Of Some Mexican Probably

Donald Trump Never Raped His Wife And Even If He Did It Was Classy

Now you can have an authentic Donald Trump experience in your own home
Not that it’s likely to cause even the least hiccup in his campaign prospects, but here’s a whole new Donald Trump mess that’s actually old: the Daily Beast reminds us that during his very classy and completely amicable divorce from Ivana, the former Mrs. Trump accused Donald of raping her. This is not entirely unknown, as the incident is discussed in a 1993 book, Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump, by Harry Hurt III, which is really not a porn name at all. The ...
  Sad stories

Fox News Lady Idiots Sick Of Being Tyrannied By Minorities All The Time

Boom, right?
If it is a day, you can be certain that there is a really stupid discussion happening on the Fox News network. Sometimes it is about Sharks Is Confusing, sometimes it’s about how it’s NO FAIR that some people get to say the N-word and others don’t. This time it happened on the “Outnumbered” program, and revolved around this story, of a redneck Missouri sheriff who just can’t understand why anybody would be offended by him sticking “In God We ...
  Excellent News: Nobody Got Shot

Confederate Dead-Enders Not The Kind Of Clowns Black Kids Want At Birthday Parties

A black child’s birthday party was interrupted by an unexpected outbreak of Southern Heritage Saturday, in Douglasville, Georgia, as a group of at least seven pickups carrying Confederate, Real American, and other flags roared past the family’s house and parked in a nearby field, their white occupants adding celebratory racial slurs to the festivities, according to resident Melissa Alford. One of the men driving the trucks told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that in fact he ...
  you know who else ... ?

Rick Santorum Begs Jews To Hate His Guts Too

Also a schmuck
Look, kids, it’s repugnant fuck-eyed canker blossom Rick Santorum, trying to steal some attention from Mike Huckabee, who is trying to steal some attention from Donald Trump. And also to submit his name for Schmuck of The Year 5775, which we have already given to Huckabee, too bad for always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride Santorum. Asked on Fox News Radio whether he thinks the Huckster was right to say President Obama is literally marching Israelis “to the door of the oven,” ...
  Break Out The Carrot Cake

Bugs Bunny Is 75, And Now You Feel Like An Old

Hero of our nation
Here’s your Pop Culture Milestone for the day: Today marks the 75th anniversary of the release of the very first Bugs Bunny cartoon, “A Wild Hare,” directed by the great Tex Avery. Oh, sure, we could bore you with a lot of history, like Time Magazine does, about the disputed origins of the character’s name: Mel Blanc, who voiced the character, later claimed that the name was his idea, saying that they were going to call the character Happy Rabbit, but that Blanc ...
  Trigger warning for ewwwwww

Todd Starnes Writes Love Letter To Donald Trump’s Penis

Secret admirer, secret admirer!
Is that gross enough? Are you imagining Donald Trump’s penis now and wondering if his little head is coiffured the same as his big head? Because Fox News wingnut and suspected pee lover Todd Starnes sure seems to be! Senate Republicans had a chance to stop Planned Parenthood from butchering unborn children and selling their body parts to the highest bidder. Instead, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to put up a vote — thumbing his nose at Senators Mike Lee and Ted Cruz, ...