Here is more fun typing from our contributor, Bilbo!
By Bilbo
Thankfully for the world, and reality, CPAC somewhat peacefully come to an end Saturday afternoon, at least the official administrative meeting and speechifying and seminaring and workshopping “official schedule” part of it, and it seems to have ended with the world intact, and no signs of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, which is about the only positive thing to say at this point. Because this monstrosity of a “conference,” in all of its full unrealistic, surreal, dishonest, slanted and bizarro glory, has ended with what else but a horrifying, terrifying, completely lie-filled distortion of time, space and reality in the form of a “speech” by one of the more grotesque symbols of CPAC terror, Alaska’s own mamma grizzly, Sarah Palin. READ MORE »
This is a special post by longtime reader/commenter “Bilbo,” we’ll call him, who is voluntarily covering CPAC for your Wonkette! How nuts is that? Anyway here is his first post of several posts, enjoy! Jim Newell will post more things, maybe, after he kills himself.
Here you go, dear readers, here is a little Friday warm up for whatever other terrible decisions you have planned for the weekend: watch this video of some Fox News dildo and his sidekick as they flop around in fruity wigs and rain down the musical equivalent of ten million anesthesia-free lobotomies on a delighted CPAC audience. Don’t miss the part near the end with the hysterical screams of “KNICKERS! I CAN SAY KNICKERS!!” as the black guy walks out. READ MORE »
Here, via Operative/”Wonkette Guy” Garrett Quinn, is a photo of Mitt Romney after taking off all of his clothes and human skin. “TICKETS, TICKETS” he was demanding like a lunatic. No one knew what he was talking about. Mitt, get your clothes back on! “FISH HEADS, FISH HEADS, FEED MY SKULL FISH HEADS,” he then went on, before his handlers tackled him and dragged him back to the Lab for a fundraiser with other Ticket Robots.
Most people, when they imagine combat troops fighting in a war, picture gunfire and helicopters and blood and death. Rick Santorum, on the other hand, pictures sort of a dusty night club lit by the odd intermittent explosion where you know what happens when you leave the boys and girls alone in there too long together. Not HETEROSEXUAL INTERCOURSE, oh ha ha no, the Pope forbid, he means unbridled tenderness, the “natural” result whenever humans of differing genitalia commingle. Therefore he officially frowns upon the Pentagon’s new plan to open up thousands of combat-related positions to women, because this will force male soldiers who work around them to become highly “protective” and feel “emotions” like a club of nursing panda bears. READ MORE »
Did your Wonkette visit this thing, at CPAC, called “Founder Roundtable: Where Did We Go Wrong?” featuring Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, “Tom” Paine, and Patrick Henry? UMM MAYBE. Look at them all there, behind their old-timey projector. When we left, the debate was still about whether the Constitution was one big old dumb mistake. “It was the human beings that destroyed it,” some Founder said. And that’s what he said to defend the Constitution! What a shitty country. READ MORE »
Please wish our little jewelry-debt piglet a fond and prolonged farewell, Wonketteers. Used to be that a satchel of Austrian Philharmonikers, the kind sold on Fox to unwitting olds, would appear by magick on Newt’s doorstep every morning, like clockwork. Newt would then exchange these coins for goods and services — often campaign-related! — in furtherance of his (more or less) “historical novel” and home-pressed CD-ROM empire. Generally speaking, average, everyday Joe Six-Packs usually cannot afford to throw cash into an open sewer to watch a talking face mintz on stage, playing pretend with Wolf Blitzer. So Newt has had to rely on the indulgence of wealthy eccentrics for his daily sack of moneys. Unfortunately, losing every electoral contest in every conceivable way may have finally worn out the unearned generosity to which Newt has become accustomed. READ MORE »
Like every year at CPAC time, the “no strings attached” sex Internet is busy busy busy with self-hating closeted homosexual Republican men who like to take a break from cheering on homophobic bible clods by going back to the hotel with a discreet dude who wants to give/receive some oral, “maybe more with the right guy,” etc. Republican homosexuals are so predictable! READ MORE »
Finally, some action! The Occupy people have reached CPAC and are protesting around this cute kitty furry structure near the driveway. So far no murders, but maybe if the kitty keeps squeezing that worker? Squeeze the worker, Garfield, squeeze him for every last Amero! Oh and that fellow with the long hair at the bottom of the photo, see him? He was bickering back and forth with some business-attired dildos across the driveway, about whether we should “like” the One Percent. No consensus was reached. READ MORE »
One thing about patriarchal religions of the ancient Middle East — like, say, “Sharia Law” or “American Catholicism” — is that the menfolk don’t like the womenfolk having any control of their own bodies or lives. That’s why there was a predictable outrage over the Obama Administration’s long-planned addition of basic family planning medicine to health insurance coverage. It might seem like reproductive health would naturally be part of what we consider “health insurance coverage,” but that would be a dangerous assumption in a nation where one major political party, the Republicans, is completely based on the ring kissing and worship of an old Nazi child molester in Rome. READ MORE »
Didn’t you sort of feel like Herman Cain said he was just going out for a pack of smokes, and then we never heard from him again and somehow got stuck with his car note and a bunch of boring creepo ‘Washington insiders?’ Well, CAIN’S BACK, BABY. Just goes to show you can’t keep a good grifter down, no matter how many of that grifter’s alleged side-pieces come out of the woodwork to force the timely demise of his book tour/presidential campaign. Cain took time out of his busy schedule to sidle up to CPAC and whisper some sweet nothings into its ear about how smart (and sexy) everyone there definitely is. Smarter than liberals, that’s for sure! READ MORE »
Here’s the beloved Conservative Comedian, Brad Stine, giving his lighthearted send-off to CPAC 2012 DAY 1 yesterday. Your Wonkette would’ve gone to watch him personally but was busy doing anything else. What’s his joke? Americans are such wusses now with their basic car safety measures. Ha! Ehh. If you listen really closely you can hear him say “METH METH COCAINE METH COCAINE METH,” too. READ MORE »
As the undisputed loser of three crucial Republican head-on collisions this week, Mitt Romney can’t be blamed for turning his campaign into something of a fire sale. This is America, kiddos. ABC, Always Be CLOSING. Mitt is a businessman, allegedly, so he knows that if no one (literally!) is buying what you’re selling, well, it’s time to give any loony offer that comes your way a serious hearing. In practice, this means Mitt will pretend to listen to what you’re saying and — before your voice can even start lilting upward to form the question — he will already be vomiting forth his grinning assent. Anything, ANYTHING, to move the still-smoldering inventory of his presidential aspirations. Drug testing welfare recipi– “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YES WHEN DO I START!!!!” READ MORE »
Day one at CPAC is over! Your Wonkette has already waited in line with Mark Block, the famous cigarette smoker, sat in a lounge near Pam Geller, and not had Internet access for hours at a time. Will you ever see this post, dear readers? Let’s hope for a lil’ CPAC internet connection magick. READ MORE »
What the hell is this? It is the video promo for Sarah Palin’s CPAC keynote on Saturday, guessing from the killer alien Nazis from space come to destroy humanity, as punishment. Oh hey now, isn’t the invasion of a secret troupe of moon Hitlers supposed to be Mitt Romney’s special fever dream? READ MORE »
Here is more fun typing from our contributor, Bilbo!
