Hide your kids hide your wives

Homosexual Spotted At Michigan Newspaper, May Be Armed With Agenda, Caution Advised!

Don't open the folder or glitter will get fucking everywhere.
God-bothering Michigan state Rep. Gary Glenn, who is also president of the American Family Association of Michigan, has an ALERT and a DRUDGE SIREN and, hopefully, a SHOCK VIDEO, to share with the people who populate the city of Midland:  There is a homosexual, and he is at the newspaper right now, and even worse than that, they have made him the editor! What kind of nefarious things must Dave Lascari, the new editor of the Midland Daily News, have done to the newspaper employees, to force ...
  On second thought ...

Ted Cruz Tossing A Fine Word Salad On Whether He’ll Enroll In Obamacare, Who Can Know? Not Him!

Hold on, hold on, still thinkin' ...
Remember when we all laughed and laughed and OMG LOL LIRL laughed so hard even more that Senator Ted Cruz was going to insure his family through the evil, illegal, immoral, jobs-killing, democracy-destroying Obamacare exchanges? Of course you do, it was yesterday, and we are still laughing. Ted Cruz would like all of us to please stop laughing at him now: “Senator Cruz and his wife are still weighing options for their family,” [Cruz spokesman Rick] Tyler wrote in an email to POLITICO when ...
  Troll Me Twice...Don't Get Trolled Again

Asking For ‘Obamacare Horror Stories’ Not Working Out That Well For Lying Assclown Cathy McMorris Rodgers

Statistician Twilight Is Offended By Your Pathetic Excuse For A Plot
Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Washington) had a great idea to document just how horrible Obamacare has been for Americans: She went to her Facebook page, posted a chart that doesn’t merely lie about the ACA but also makes no logical sense (a bullet point list of lies would at least look sensible, but a line graph?), and invited readers to share their Obamacare horror stories: Whether it’s turned your tax filing into a nightmare, you’re facing skyrocketing premiums, or ...
  why don't we get drunk and ... nope

Here Is John Boehner, Too Drunk To F*ck (Video)

Award-winning journalist (lol) Chuck C. Johnson has been promising us many SCOOPS this week! While we are still waiting on pins and needles and tenterhooks and fishbaits to find out which conservative politician’s CAREER Chuck is going to END with booby-grabbing revelations (IS IT BOB PACKWOOD????), we do have this sideways cell phone camera video of a man Chuck says is John Boehner, though there is no way to really know, come to think of it, slurring THE FUCK outta some names of some ...
  OK Maybe More Hookers Than Blow

DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal

Can't believe they kept these wild photos!
Members of the Secret Service have to be feeling pretty relieved that theirs is now not the only federal agency with an embarrassing hookers-in-Colombia scandal. Agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency allegedly had “sex parties” — and possibly even wild sex parties — with prostitutes in Colombia from 2005 to 2008, according to a Department of Justice inspector general’s report. And just to add to the fun, the DEA agents’ prostie-parties were reportedly ...
  Not intended to be a factual law

Arizona Passes Bill To Make Doctors Lie About Abortion To Ladies For Ladies’ Own Good

Just lay back and enjoy the bullshit
Oh hey there, Arizona, how are you being terrible this week? Trying to help poors by taking away their health care so they learn how to not be poor? Nah, that was weeks ago! This week, the Arizona House and Senate have passed a bill to restrict abortion — yes, again — that includes a creative amendment requiring abortion providers to inform their patients: It may be possible to reverse the effects of a medication abortion if the woman changes her mind but that time is of the ...
  Just Don't Make This A Racial Thing OK?

Michigan Cops Had Perfectly Good Reason For Beating Up Unarmed Black Guy, Probably

Funny, not one working microphone, either.
Surprising news from Michigan: On Jan. 28, police in the Detroit suburb of Inkster were caught on dashcam dragging an African American man from his car, putting him in a chokehold, then repeatedly beating and tasering him because, they say, he was resisting arrest. We were surprised to learn that there’s a Detroit suburb named “Inkster.” The rest of the story is entirely too familiar: The video has no sound, because the police camera’s microphone was either not ...
  Just Don't Make This A Racial Thing OK?

Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!

This whole story is just...ick
You sort of have to admire the mind of Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, the Colorado Internet preacher who somehow got elected to the state House. No matter what horrible thing happens, Klingenschmitt finds a way to attribute it to either demons, God’s anger over abortion and/or The Gays, or some combination thereof. Which explains how he managed to take the news of a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman and explain that it’s just God’s wrath on ...
  What -- no lube?

Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!

He really loves us
It was just a week ago that House Republicans introduced their latest scheme to screw America, which they charmingly call the Balanced Budget for a Stronger America. It would not actually balance the budget (unless you do some fancy magic “math” to it, which does not work in the real world, sorry) nor does it make America stronger, but come ON, it’s got a nice-sounding name, isn’t that enough? It would privatize Medicare, repeal the Affordable Care Act, slash funding ...
  But in a good way!

Christian Church Will Take Convention To Better State Than Anti-Gay Indiana, For Religious Freedom

The Disciples of Christ denomination's cup runneth over, even for gays!
Yesterday we learned that the organizers of Gen Con, a huge gamer convention that brings about $50 million a year in tourism moneys to Indianapolis, are threatening to pick up and leave Indiana once their contract with the state expires, because Gov. Mike Pence promised to sign a backward bill that says it will guarantee “religious freedom,” but is in a reality a license for the most horrible residents of Indiana to discriminate against LGBT people by denying service, ...
  This Fuckin' Guy

This Is Just Getting Ridiculous: Obamacare-Hatin’ Sheriff Ups His (Not-Begging) Ask To A Cool $60 Grand

Ritchie Mack, he's a sheriff down in 'Zona
Obamacare-hatin’ Sheriff Richard Mack has already clarified that he is not looking for charity, and also, thank you for all the charity, please send more charity. Now, Sheriff Mack’s supporters have reached down, grabbed the Sheriff’s bootstraps, and announced that they want DOUBLE the amount of other people’s money they originally said they wanted. It’s all a bit confusing, but here’s the latest constitutionally conservative note posted to ...
  Take A Cruz On Denial

Now It Is Ted Cruz Who Is Poor Persecuted Galileo, And Climate Scientists Are The Church

Get your denier bingo cards out!
In a bravura performance Tuesday, Ted Cruz crammed an astonishing number of lies about global warming into four minutes of a longer interview with Texas Tribune reporter Jay Root. It was really pretty impressive! Cruz asserted that “we should follow the science and follow the evidence” on climate change, and then proceeded to reel off a whole catalogue of distortions, half-truths, and outright lies that have been refuted again and again. He hit just about every space on the ...

Tucker Carlson And Brother Buckley Double-Team Lady In Most Sexist Bullsh*t We’ve Seen Today

Call him LabiaFace. He likes it.
Turns out walking piece of barely human garbage and professional Fox News dick-sucker Tucker Carlson has a brother named Buckley (yes, we know, and we can only imagine Tucker’s life-long fraternal envy, since he must have been named for one of the lesser racists). And although we only learned of Buckley’s existence seconds ago, we are not at all surprised to also learn that Buckley is just like his brother: a piece of barely human garbage. BuzzFeed has obtained a series of ...

Wingnut OUTRAGED Obama Gave Interview To Noted Gay Porn Site ‘Huffington Post’

  Big news: President Obama finally did an interview for a gay porn website! Which one, you might be wondering? Fratmen? No, silly, Barack Obama isn’t a fratman, he is the president! Broke Straight Boys? Wrong again, Obama has enough money already. Cocky Boys? We would have seen that already … ahem. No, it is Huffington Post, the gay porn site Arianna Huffington made! This scoop was scooped up by a dude name of Cliff Kincaid, a wingnut who we’re pretty sure is the ...
  Trollin' like a BOSS

Obama Rubs Obamacare In Republicans’ Faces Again, What A Bad Man!

President Obama can NOT shut up about how great his precious Affordable Care Act is, just because of how great his Affordable Care Act is. The White House has been in full Hells Yeah! celebration mode, in honor of the fifth anniversary of the law that is going to destroy the nation any day now, and then we’ll see who’s laughing, WON’T WE, AMERICA? (Spoiler: It’ll probably still be Obama.) Now the braggart-in-chief has taken yet another opportunity to remind us of a ...
  Aggravated Doing Unto Others

Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord

C'mon Get Raptured!
Several members of a Christian family band from Boise, Idaho, got into a brawl and gunfight with police in a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona, on Saturday night, leaving one member of the family dead and the rest in police custody. The group, which called itself “Matthew 24 Now” (GET IT???*) looked forward to the coming End Times, and apparently felt the need to hurry up the schedule a little when they attacked police and fired on them. Maybe they just loved the smell ...
  It's so crazy it just might work

America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Suing Clintons Again, Totally Gonna Nail ‘Em Now!

Actual pic of Larry Klayman
At last, someone is brave enough to try, for the first hundredth time ever, to hold the Clintons accountable for being the Clintons. And surprise! It’s the conservative group Freedom Watch, the brainfart of Larry Klayman, Esquire JD — famous for such legal victories as having Barack Obama deported for faking his birth certificate and suing Rachel Maddow for defamation, a suit he did not actually win after all, but that’s just because the clearly biased judge was a Jew. And ...
  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey

She seems so nice
A town council meeting in Mahwah, New Jersey, turned ugly last Thursday as the Council reacted with both pique and indelicacy to … we don’t know, some horseshit that small-town people get het-freakin’-up about. We do know Councilwoman Lisa DiGiulio let out her inner Scalia with all manner of bawdy gestures and a Tony Soprano-style gutter mouth full of terrible cusses, impeach. According to Patch, we guess, the sadly fisticuffless contretemps stemmed from the mayor’s ...
  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

Nice Time! Super Cool Gamer Nerds Tell Indiana Gov to Go Frak Himself

The organizers of the largest sci-fi/fantasy/gaming convention in Indiana have announced that they will take their toys and go somewhere else if Governor Mike Pence (R-Dipshit) goes forward with signing his Fuck the Gays bill. Frakin’ A! Indiana is one of many states considering a bill to enhance religious liberty that is not-so-secretly just a great big middle finger to their gay citizens. SB 101 grants citizens carte blanche to do whatever they want if they have “sincerely ...
  Word Salad Surgery

Ben Carson Is A Brain Surgeon, So He Knows A Psychopath (Obama) When He Sees One (Obama)

He's no rocket scientist
So the big “get” in GQ’s profile of Dr. Ben Carson is that, while watching Barack Obama’s State of the Union address this year with his pal/adviser/consigliere/media handler Armstrong Williams, this happened: As the two men turned to the TV, they began dissecting Obama’s performance. “He looks good,” Williams said. “He looks clean. Shirt’s white. The tie. He looks elegant.” “Like most psychopaths,” Carson grumbled. ...
  Let them eat ... the following list of approved poor people food

Missouri D*ckhead Rep. Will Stop Poors From Depleting State’s Sushi Supply

Hi, I'm a douchebag, you can tell by my face.
Missouri state Rep. Rick Brattin is at it again, addressing the the Real Problems affecting his state. Last year, he made news for a bill that would simply require ladies to get permission slips from the men what had made them pregnant, if they wanted all the ‘bortions. If it was rape, he said that as long as the woman proved it, then there would be an exception, so no worries! He’s also a proponent of the completely ineffective and pointless effort to force welfare recipients ...
  YOOOGE if true

Donald Trump: I Invented The Word ‘America.’ YOU’RE WELCOME!

Trump/Trump for president
Donald Trump is having a bad week. No sooner does he announce his intention to pretend to run for president than the dumb not-even-really-American-wink-wink Ted Cruz copycats him and does the same thing, what a jerk. But worse, Cruz has stolen Trump’s Very Unique applause line that Donald Trump thought up his own self, with his own YOOOGE brain: “The line of ‘Make America great again,’ the phrase, that was mine, I came up with it about a year ago, and I kept using ...