Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian ‘World History & Cultures’ Textbook (Part 1)

  History Is Written by the Whiners

Time to teach these little savages some mannersYou know the drill by now: Every Sunday, we visit Christianist America, where Jesus delivered the Constitution to George Washington but now Christians are somehow a persecuted minority. This week’s travelogue comes courtesy of World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. (A Beka Book, 1997), a 10th-grade history text which the publisher’s website says “stands on the conviction that God is the Creator of the world and the Controller of history.”

You get a good sense of World History’s agenda from the table of contents. “Asia and Africa” are dealt with in the first 6 chapters — “The Middle East” and “Egypt” each merit their own chapter, because Bible, duh. And then the entire history of these two continents, which account for 75% of the planet’s population, is polished off within 40 pages, in chapters imaginatively titled “Other Asian Cultures” and “Other African Cultures” (Actual section heading: The Dark Continent. This is not inside ironic quotes). Most chapters and sections have the bland, utilitarian headings of any high school text — but then there are the subtle reminders that this is a fundamentalist Christian textbook:

  • Rome: Preparation of the World for Christ
  • Unbelief and Revolution in 19th-Century Europe
  • Concepts in History: Why Communism Kills
  • Twentieth-Century Liberalism; Retreat from Authority and Responsibility
  • Concepts in History: Environmental Extremism


  • The Ancient World: Mostly Filthy Pagans

    Any questions?It goes without saying that World History begins with the Creation in 4000 BC, as this helpful timeline indicates. The texbook opens with a reminder that “For the beginning of history the Bible is our only reliable record.” As equally valid historical resource The Onion points out, this event came as a big surprise to the Sumerians. (World History conveniently places the Sumerian civilization’s start two millenia later, to make room for the Flood.)

    Here are some other things you should know about the early history of the world:

    • Between the Fall of man and the Flood of Noah’s day…God allowed man to live by the dictates of his conscience, without the restraining force of government. Because man did not have the authority to put murderers to death during this time, acts of violence and passion grew to such dimensions that God mercifully sent the Flood to destroy all of mankind but one believing family. After the Flood … God established civil government by ordering the death penalty (capital punishment) for murder. In establishing this first foundational civil ordinance, God again taught man the sanctity of human life (pp. 4-5).

    Got it, kids? The power to kill evildoers with God’s permission is central to government. This alone may tell you everything you need to know about World History’s worldview.

    • Adam and Eve…contained within their genes the genetic potential for the subsequent development of the different races. Nearly the same must have been true about Noah and his three sons and their wives, since they repopulated the postdiluvian earth… [As post-Babel humanity spread across the globe], each clan was developing distinct physical characteristics to accompany its own language or dialect… Extensive intermarriage within an initially small and isolated population resulted in the appearance of a great many recessive traits which were hidden in the gene pool of Noah and his family. Thus, the races of man came into existence over only a few hundred years (p. 6).

    That sounds very, very science-y!

    • It is interesting to note the similarity of the Sumerian ziggurats, the Egyptian pyramids, and the temples of the ancient Mayas of Central America. Some scholars believe that the striking similarity of these structures reflects man’s dispersion from one original center of culture. Indeed, the Tower of Babel may have resembled a ziggurat or pyramid (p. 18).

    A page later, after this perfectly sound example of anthropological evidence, the text wags a finger at the Sumerians for dabbling in “the pseudoscience of astrology.”

    • The Greeks’ humanistic philosophy tended to influence their sciences and arts; in fact, much of the modern theory of evolution and many ideas of modern psychology were based on the Greeks’ false, man-centered philosophies (p. 112).

      Unfortunately, in their attempt to find philosophical absolutes, Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle…failed to recognize man’s responsibility to a Creator God. As a result, many of the Greek philosphers and their followers fell into gross immorality (p. 115).

    Yes, that means exactly what you think it means: buttsex. This is the closest that World History gets to acknowledging the existence of the notorious Hellenistic Athenian Man-Boy Love Association (HAMBLA).



    Exotic Foreign Peoples and Their Strange Ways

    You know how a lot of “modern” secular textbooks warn that ethnocentrism is somehow a flaw in studying cultures other than one’s own? Well World History and Cultures is not going to bother with any of that politically correct nonsense that’s so fashionable nowadays. Get ready to have your multi-culti world rocked, heathens!

    • On India: Hindus believe that animals have souls…Even if the population is in the throes of starvation, cows are well fed and cannot be butchered for meat… The superstition of lndia’s religions is a major cause of that nation’s abject poverty, economic backwardness, and cultural stagnation (p. 44).

      British rule was highly beneficial for India in a number of ways. The first and foremost benefit under British rule was the work of Protestant missionaries…who brought the pure gospel of Christ to India’s perishing millions (p. 46)

      [Nehru] and his daughter, Indira Gandhi…led India on a course of massive central planning and social engineering, which further weakened the nation’s fragile economy and created more misery and wretchedness for her millions of people….Modern India is still plagued by economic woes, despite an attempt to institute more free market reform. Hindu superstition and socialist ideology continue to hinder India’s progress as a nation (p. 47).

    • On What Japan Needs Most: The pressing need of modern Japan is evangelization — less than three percent of Japan’s population claim to be Christians. Most Japanese follow a mixture of traditional Shintoism and various schools of Buddhism. Japan’s highly secular society desperately needs the saving gospel of Christ. Hirohito, emperor of Japan from 1926 to 1989, symbolized the role of tradition in Japanese life, which has kept the Japanese in bondage to the religions of Buddhism and Shintoism (p. 58)

    Not a word about tentacle porn or Hello Kitty, which suggests they haven’t been paying attention. And it’s fairly safe to say that the Japanese are not “in bondage” to Buddhism or Shintoism either, beyond their usefulness as markers of family ceremony. (We look forward to this article showing up in searches for “Japanese bondage.”)

    • On What The Philippines Needs Most: Just as Communism is the greatest threat to the Philippines today, so is evangelization its greatest need. About 80 percent of the Filipinos are Roman Catholics, and an additional 10 percent are Muslims. Only the gospel of Christ can provide the moral climate for greater political freedom and economic opportunity (p. 62).

    (That “Catholics need to find the Gospel of Christ” stuff will become a major theme next week, because Reformation!)

    • On Africa, The Dark Continent: For over a thousand years, there was no clear Christian witness in the vast heartland of Africa; the fear, idolatry, superstition, and witchcraft associated with animism (the belief that natural objects and forces are inhabited by mostly malignant spirits) prevented most Africans from learning how to use nature for man’s benefit and thus develop a high culture like that of the other African empires (p. 86).

    This argument about “backwards cultures” sounds vaguely familiar to us, for some reason.

    • On the Worst Thing About The Slave Trade: the Portuguese brought the slave trade to Europe and the New World, giving the trade a much larger market. The Africans themselves bought and sold each other with shocking readiness… The traffic in human bodies and souls was a cruel, despicable occupation, and Africans suspected any white men, including European explorers and missionaries, of being potential slave traders. This made the task of African exploration and evangelization even more difficult and challenging (p. 87).

    History really is a matter of perspective and emphasis, don’t you think?

    • On the Best Thing About Colonialism: The period of European rule-especially in British colonies—was a time of great progress in Africa, particularly where the gospel was most influential…. After the introduction of Christianity, men began to realize the sanctity (sacred worth) of life; as a result, bloody tribal wars diminished, slavery was abolished, and evangelism flourished. The spiritual darkness which had so long held Africa in its grip was beginning to be expelled (p. 91).

    Again with that “darkness,” huh? But it’s only a metaphor, right? It would be niggardly to suggest otherwise.

    • On what Africa Needs Most (did you guess “Jesus”? Because it’s Jesus!): Africa is a continent with many needs and pressing problems. About 75 percent of the people are still in the grips of animistic African religions, and many others are bound by the teachings of Islam. Although vast multitudes of Africans are coming to Christ, the huge continent of nearly 800 million people is still in need of the gospel. African believers, who make up only 8 to 10 percent of the total population, need to be taught the Word of God so that they may apply its principles and truths to daily life and the pressing economic, political, and social problems of their lands (pp. 92-93).

    We did not see that coming! In our next visit to Christianist America, we will learn why the Papacy, the UN, and Medicare are evil dirty lies!

    UPDATE: A number of commenters have pointed out trifling details like the explosion of call centers in India, or the fact that the Philippines, post-Marcos, is now a multi-party democracy. Good catch! Note that this thing was published in 1997; although a more recent (2010) edition of World History is available, there’s little reason to think that any of the earlier edition’s giddily Eurocentric worldview has been lost; an online review site for homeschooling parents says that “The Third Edition is almost identical to the Second Edition in content, although additional information at the end brings it up to the time of the Obama administration” (yes, that may be worth another visit to Ebay…).

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    About the author

    Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

    View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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    529 comments

      1. AngryBlakGuy

        ..15th commandment?! Is that the one declares American Samoa the 51st state or the one that officially makes lesbian kisses awesome?

      1. miss_grundy

        Naw, republicans who say they are christians, but who hate anyone who isn't white are dicks. It's not God's fault that the whites had a klan rally in Tampa this past week. It's just a shame that it didn't rain a little harder and let the roof cave in while some old geezer made fun of the president who was supposed to be sitting in the empty chair. It's just a reflection of that old geezer's soul and the souls of the rest of the klansmen/klanswomen there who are empty.

      2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Essentially that's dead on…I mean the legacy here is disturbing. A century ago these very same moronic fundies opened their churches and arms to the KKK, is it really any surprise their textbooks argue the Klan was more concerned with 'immorality' than racial terrorism? To them god is a white, anglo dick…and when the US rebelled against England he joined our team but kept their racism and feelings of absolute supremacy. There really isn't a difference between the way these people see minorities and how the colonial powers did; no wonder they're suddenly so worried about Obama being "anti-colonial"

      3. Ruhe

        Hmm…and of all these things, the immorality and socialism and abortions and homosexuality, the black president is merely the symbol…wonder ye then at the fiery hunt?

        1. tessiee

          I thought it was the one who made that famously bad movie with J-Lo and Ben Affleck.*
          `
          `
          `
          *And before you say, "which one?" — yes, I know that J-Lo and Ben Affleck have made several famously bad movies each; however, none of those were AS famously bad as Gigli, which they made together.

            1. new_pic_for_NEWTer

              Watching My Neighbour Totoro with my kids in the mid-90s was my 1st exposure to Miyazaki and Ghibli. We've since seen many more but Totoro holds a special place; the scene at the rainy bus stop waiting for the Catbus is one that will always stay with me.

              In a world filled with heinous religious text books and lying Republicunts I just need to remember that scene and I can smile again – corny but true.

            2. tessiee

              "Miyazaki"

              One of my favorite non-sex-or-romance-related memories of The Boy Who Would Not Do Anything was an argument he had with his horrible sister:
              TBWWNDA: You're so temperamental! Nobody can say anything to you! You're like the baby in "Spirited Away"!
              Horrible Sister: I am NOT!!… HUH??

            1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

              Well, so is the second season given the neocons proclivities I could see Mittens secretly try to nuke refugees at the behest of a Japanese warmonger and then blame it on the refugees. Aren't those big robotic boobs?

      1. CrunchyKnee

        I accepted Mothra into my heart and have been experiencing nothing but goodness since – well, that and wanting to hang out by the front porch light all night long.

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Sadly, this was pretty much the standard view of history in the white flight southern public schools I attended in the 1970s and '80s.

      1. bibliotequetress

        I second that. I was taught that the Civil War was not over slavery– not that slavery wasn't the only reason, but that it was irrelevant. And it kills me to hear the occasional smart adult who is not an out & out revisionist parrot this. The only possible response begins with, "Lemme give you 20+ books to read then clear a long weekend so we can talk about this."

        1. PsycWench

          Couldn't one just provide a link to the articles of secession? I believe they unequivocally prevent the C states from forbidding slavery.

          1. MosesInvests

            Each state had articles of secession-each referenced slavery as THE issue over which that state was seceding. The constitution of the CSA specified that a bill of attainder and abolition were strictly forbidden.

          2. bibliotequetress

            One would think that would do the trick, right? You and MosesInvests are logical people who understand the importance of a nice primary source.

            But these discussions/frustrationfests devolve into me listening to someone swear that no one in the Union really wanted slavery to end. The arguments for this are: 1) Some people in the Union didn't want slavery abolished, ergo NO ONE did, b) Some northern textile factory owners had financial reasons not want the South to not secede,and obviously that means…something, dunno, and c) The person arguing with me has miraculously figured out how to read the mind of every single person in the Union posthumously, and has gleened that the motives of every Union politician who favored the war can basically be attributed to something like Antebellum Objectivism.
            **I had this fucking argument once when I was doing research on a paper on Charles Sumner. It was in a bar, which says something. The person I argued w/ basically said "But he was a Radical Republican" over and over. Fortunately I was the bartender & could cut him off.

            If I proffer something as substantial as the articles of secession, how can that possibly compare with the chattering ghosts of the Union politicians?

    2. sbj1964

      To a Christian: You actually believe that a three headed God,Ghost,Man cosmic Jew came down to earth,and raped a 13 year old girl to impregnate her with himself so he could later sacrifice himself to himself to abate rules that he himself put in place,and while he was down here told people that they can live forever if they drink his blood,and eat his flesh,and that you may not have to burn in hell forever just because some naked Tart got conned into eating a piece of fruit from a magical tree by a talking snake?Well that makes complete sense? Where do I sign up?

          1. tessiee

            Although she did manage to have her long hair draped concealingly over her boobies, no matter what she was doing or how windy the weather was.

            1. WhatTheHeck

              Herr Doktor, umm, she had no ladybits until after she ate the fruit. I know this for a fact because if she had any ladybits from the very beginning, Adam would have been all over her all the time and she would not have gone looking for some excitement from a snake. Then, once she saw her parts, she covered up in Egyptian cotton to keep Adam from thinking about sex all the time. From then on, Adam had to beg for sex.

              These old Jewish writers sure wrote some kinky stuff.

      1. greenloner

        These particular Christians don't believe in the Trinity, practically any other crazy thing that would seemingly be unimaginable, yes indeed, but not the Trinity.

      2. kittensdontlie

        And what do you call the religion, that takes this fantasy and doubles down with the crazy and adds a sprinkling of whackadoodle—yeah, it's Mormonism.

        1. tessiee

          1st guy: So what's the deal with your religion?
          2nd guy: Our god is Allah.
          1st guy: And does he have a prophet?
          2nd guy: Yes, his prophet is Mohammed. Does your god have a prophet?
          1st guy: Yes.
          2nd guy: What's his name?
          1st guy: Joe Smith.
          2nd guy: Uh… yeah. [dropping eye contact] Well, see ya later, I guess.

          1. doloras

            The Bible clearly states that Jesus had brothers and sisters, but the Catholic Church sees fit to totally ignore that part and say that Mary was a lifelong virgin. And then got beamed up to heaven Star Trek-stylee.

            1. kittensdontlie

              Yes, Catholics have their own demons. One being that during Communion, they are instructed to believe they are actually eating the body of Christ and drinking his actual blood, which might interest those who are drawn to vampire and zombie themed entertainment.

            2. Fare la Volpe

              Knew a priest who took communion at the Vatican once, and asserted with all faith and piety that the Eucharist really did turn into bloody flesh in his mouth.

              And he told this story to win people over to his faith. I will never understand how the brains of these people work.

            3. kittensdontlie

              Great story! Their brains are as mysterious as the transformations of the wine and bread themselves.

            4. Doktor Zoom

              I think most every catechism class has heard some version of that; the version I heard was of a priest who doubted the miracle of transubstantiation, and then the host and wine turned into actual flesh and blood. As I recall, a sample of the blood was Scientifically Tested, too, and it was real blood, now kept at the Vatican.

              (Why the Church would allow blasphemous handling of consecrated wine like that, I dunno…)

            5. Negropolis

              Transubstatiation caused a whole number of schisms in Christianity. Of all the denominational fights, this ones seems the most bizarre mostly because much of Christianity has resigned itself to not reading all of the Bible, literally, and are quite comfortable in viewing things as metaphors or allegories.

              But the whole "body and blood of Christ" thingy still gets denominations into spitting fights, and not just between Protestants and Catholics, but even within Protestantism, itself. It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad. Even denominations that treat other sacraments and practices as metaphorical/symbolic treat transubstatiation as central to salvation.

            6. Fare la Volpe

              They refuse to believe it because Jesus' brother James was a huge opponent / rival of Pope Paul during the early years of the church. Instead of taking the rational step of acknowledging the rivalry in the history books but asserting that Paul still won, Holy Mother Church took the much more sane approach of wiping James' existence from history.

            7. Chet Kincaid_

              See, it's Mafia shit like this that makes me bristle when your Catholics claim they were the only legit outfit from the very beginning. They were a faction that made an alliance with the Roman Empire to muscle out the others, is what they were.

            8. Fare la Volpe

              And I bet the Orthodox Church would take some issues with the whole "we were first, nah nanny boo boo" crap.

            9. kittensdontlie

              I don't know about being first, but as our Greek Orthodox priest explained using the derivation of the word 'orthodoxy': 'ortho' means true, and 'doxy' means religion, which means Orthodoxy is the ONE And Only TRUE Religion, and yes….I am sorry, but the rest of you are going to HELL. Sorry, but nothing can be done for You People.

            10. miss_grundy

              Actually my friend who is Orthodox does take exception to the Romans claim that they were first. She says the Orthodox were first and that the Romans are the first "reformed" group.

            11. tessiee

              "Jesus had brothers and sisters"

              There's a book, the title and author of which both escape me at the moment, that's written from the point of view of Jesus' younger brother, "Biff".

            12. kittensdontlie

              "Lamb is the crowning achievement of Christopher Moore:
              The birth of Jesus has been well chronicled, as have his glorious teachings, acts, and divine sacrifice after his thirtieth birthday. But no one knows about the early life of the Son of God, the missing years — except Biff.
              Verily, the story Biff has to tell is a miraculous one, filled with remarkable journeys, magic, healings, kung-fu, corpse reanimations, demons, and hot babes — whose considerable charms fall to Biff to sample, since Josh is forbidden the pleasures of the flesh."(Amazon)

            13. BerkeleyBear

              Childhood pal, but takes as a given that a) Christ had siblings b) that Biff was in lust with Mary and c) that Jesus was not a white dude.

            14. miss_grundy

              Actually, the Episcopalians believe that Joseph had more than one wife, that Mary was just one of them and that he did have children with his other wives. So, Jesus does have siblings or step-siblings.

            15. miss_grundy

              Well, at St. Andrew's Episcopal Church in Livonia, MI, our rector, Father John, explained this to us during Mass. It appears that Joseph was an older gentleman, who had several wives, and married Mary. He had children with the other wives, so Jesus has step-sibilings.

      3. Mumbletypeg

        The sad part for me is: this stuff being told like a mashup of fables and parables — indeed in many cases borrowing from proximate cultures and their mythologies — ought to have served as a vehicle for "truths" contained in the lesson, much as I figure it was done when handed down orally, before anyone ever thought to put it in writing.
        With the capturing of it into script, however, such tales — which can be revisited over & again with new insights or derived submeanings when treated as an allegory — became ripe for exploitation and didacticism. The same themes of original sin and deception warned against in stories throughout the bible, in effect, became the means by which singular human greed and corruptive power (also big biblical-no-no's) would, at the hands of Scripture's own self-designated stewards, rob the ancient words of fuller, wholesome, nuanced meaning by "setting it in stone" as a contract, not a map.
        I guess Christians in their misuse of their celebrated Scriptures *have* seen a lot of what's warned about in it come to pass — at their own hands, with their own manipulation for self-gain. I don't think it's what their namesake prophet had in mind regarding Living-Out the Word.

        1. Isyaignert

          I believe that the "religious right" are the evil ones they keep warning others about. In other words – they're nothing but 'effin' hucksters, con-artists, and/or criminals. Most of these televangalists DO NOT believe what they're preaching, because they know they're lying and if it was true that you burn in hell for lying, they wouldn't do it. But they do because they know it's all bullchit.

      4. tessiee

        God [muttering angrily under his breath]: Well, how the hell was I supposed to know she was only thirteen? She LOOKED fifteen.

      5. Isyaignert

        Like George Carlin says: "Tell people there's an invisible being in the sky who created the universe and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them that paint is wet and they have to touch it to believe you."

    3. Dashboard Buddha

      The superstition of lndia’s religions (I love it when radicals of any religion piss on the superstitions of another religion.)

      is a major cause of that nation’s abject poverty, economic backwardness, and cultural stagnation (p. 44).

      Really? 4 words: Indian Call Centers/Bollywood.

      1. noodlesalad

        Srsly. These are the same people who complain when Vinod Kumar picks up their customer support call and then gently asks in a lilting, pleasant accent, if they've plugged in their laptops in the last two weeks.

          1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

            Yeah…he really nailed Obama dead to rights I'll tell ya…so the smiling, laughing, good father/husband and fair to a fault Bamz is really this boiling pot of rage and only uber dork (yet still idiotic) Dinesh the long known anti-black racist understands this. I mean to us, Bamz is almost too nice to these fucks…while I was watching Bill Maher (if you ever want to see Dinesh get his ass kicked, watch that interview) and he was babbling about how angry Obama is I was thinking, "well if Bamz is angry, what does that make me? I mean…I'd punch McConnell right in his simpering jowls (because the man doesn't have a chin) and I'd knock Romney out for constantly lying about me and using racist dog whistles…I guess to D'Souza I'm normal…mostly because I'm white"….fucking asshole. Check out his work at Dartmouth concerning black people if you want to vomit by the by….

            1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

              true…but Bamz wouldn't be Bamz if he didn't have some steel in his spine but come on, these fuckers are clearly projecting their own easily produced fury as reactionaries onto the scary black man. They're also hypocrits…at least Bamz hasn't invaded the UK (and let thousands of other peoples children die) because someone failed in an attempt to kill his daddy. Talk about a rage problem…

        1. tessiee

          "Vinod Kumar"

          OK, so the standard joke is that the call center guy in India or whatever speaks in the stereotyped Apu-like accent, and then identifies himself with a stereotypically American name like "Steve", right?

          So, I don't know if the guy's real name was "Vinod" or what, but he gave his name as "Vinnie" [like there's anybody outside of the tri-state area actually named Vinnie].
          Me [going Full Jersey]: AAAYYY!! Vinnie!
          Even the guy cracked up.

          1. Negropolis

            My favorites are Abrahams. It's right on the cusp of being too foreign for some Americans to relate to, but Biblically based enough not to have the change it for an American audience. lol

      2. Doktor Zoom

        Good catch! See update, sorta; beyond that, my guess is that even the 2010 edition will still attribute India's successes to an imagined spread of the Gospel; Bollywood, on the other hand, is mere entertainment, and since the movies are all about cavorting Hidu deities, they are nothing to be proud of.

        But yeah, this is definitely outdated.

        1. RadioBowels

          Also Bollywood is infested with champagne socialists, well, except, that washed up codger who talks to chairs.

          1. miss_grundy

            You really think he would be caught dead in Bollywood? He would have to deal with Asian brown people! If he can't deal with a mixed race President, then he can't deal with a full-flown African-American. I wish Morgan Freeman would have punched the hell out of him in Million Dollar Baby.

            1. miss_grundy

              No, I saw that one. It was the first movie produced under the then-generous film incentives here in Michigan. But of course, he was croaking at the Hmong and making fun of all kinds of people in that film. I wonder what other movie will be out September 21st when Eastwood's latest premieres. I hope it is a really good alternative.

        2. BerkeleyBear

          Even when this trash was written the Indian economy wasn't exactly in the dark ages. From what I saw up close in personal in 1996, Madras was doing its best to continue its 600 year tradition of trade with all parties and rampant capitalism under a thin veneer of state control (since 1947 Brit free). Places like Kerala were basically capitalist/Randian paradises – you could have whatever you wanted if you had money, everyone I met viewed graft and cronyism as the natural perks of the ruling class, and most people were constantly striving if they could (or most men, because women were still viewed as marriage pawns unless they were either so poor or so wealthy that their families didn't care). Now you could still find people drinking unsafe water and living in pits in the ground outside of town, but that was their own damn fault according to the people I met, and the only thing they were suited for according to these same sources. You gave them a little charity, then let them get back to their trash picking ways.

          Oh, by the way – whole trip organized by one Christian charity to let me and my wife help another. Mainly we were trying to bring in a donated computer duty free – we failed miserably (we had to pay the tariff, and then someone there blew out the motor by refusing to use the power converter), and felt really terrible. Right until we discovered that they could have gone a mile up the road and haggled with the guys at the computer training center for a newer model for a whole lot less money and effort. After that, we just had a good time.

      3. Guppy

        Pshaw, that's nothin'. The only outward signs of civilization that White Jesus approves of are nuclear weapons!

        Wait, what?

      4. tessiee

        "I love it when radicals of any religion piss on the superstitions of another religion."

        "Ha ha, everybody else's myth is a myth! Only OUR myth is THE TRUTH!! Stupid foreigners!"

      5. prommie

        Just to buck the liberal flow here, but India's religions did seem to support and enforce the rigid cast system,ne cest pas? Kinda like the catholic church supporting fuedalism? Is it not the same?

        1. MosesInvests

          Hinduism, yes. Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism-not so much. Islam, also not. But the caste system is definitely tied into Hinduism.

        2. Dashboard Buddha

          I think Tessiee summed it up nicely. To add to that, let me say this…nearly every organized religion is a racket designed to keep the masses in line to maximize the well being of the ruling class. Hindu…Islam…Christianity…I don't care. Keep the well comforted comfortable, as the White Jesus would say.

      6. Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Yes as opposed to the bible belt which is just a dazzling center of acculturation…I mean forget NYC and Hollywood…Mississippi is where the parties at, yo!

    4. noodlesalad

      They do realize that the Philippines has a functioning, multi-party democracy, despite of all the papists, right? Also "prevented Africans from learning how to use nature to man's benefit" – i.e. God doesn't like those rainforests and savannahs he created, and he's just waiting for some do-gooding white people to bulldoze that shit and put up a coffee plantation that pays out subsistence wages.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Had a similar experience recently – father in law decides to bring back Indonesian coffee from the source. Should be awesome in theory, but it sucks because all the good stuff gets sold to Starbucks, Peet's, Whole Foods etc.

    5. dennis1943

      I'm speechless…….the number of misconceptions i harbor is dizzying….all that education for nothing…….

    6. GregComlish

      "The reputation of the white man for slave trading made dangerous missionary work much more difficult. Of course, once Africans were enslaved then evangelization became a lot easier."

    7. ChernobylSoup

      Can't wait for the modern history edition, when Fat Man and Little Boy's missionary activities are discussed.

      1. Negropolis

        Yeah, 'cause the good Lord blessed them with a holy, blinding, and most glorious light that radiates to this day…

        **barf**

      2. WhatTheHeck

        “…Fat Man and Little Boy's missionary activities…”

        I see where you are going with this. They came down from heaven in a bright light, appearing as gods.

      1. rickmaci

        How's this. If you are depending on the eduction of this generation of kids to help guide them to making enough money to keep your social security coming, you're fucked.

    8. Steverino247

      Well, my questions have always been: "Was Mary as 'good' as everybody says she was?" and "Did God bring Mary to orgasm?" which must be the case since that's the only way a woman can get pregnant.

        1. Steverino247

          And we all know the worst part about being an atheist is not having anyone to talk to while receiving oral sex…

      1. kittensdontlie

        The death penalty was also initially thought to be 'bad', for the same reason, but the condemned do at least get their last rites.

    9. Steverino247

      "British rule was highly beneficial for India in a number of ways." If the British didn't teach them English, they wouldn't have been able to get all those IT and call center jobs!

    10. sbj1964

      Superman vs Jesus: Jesus was sent to earth by his father his only son Yahweh EL.Superman was sent to earth by his father his only son Jor-EL.(same last name)Jesus was raised by two mortal parents Marry & Joseph.Superman was raised by two mortal parents Martha & Jonathan.Jesus loses his mortal father at a early age.Superman loses his mortal father at an early age.Jesus brought Lazerus back to life.Superman brought Lois back to life.Jesus had the 12 disciple's.Superman had the Justice League.Jesus could walk on water.Superman could run across water.Jesus was tempted by Lucifer.Superman was tempted by LUTHOR. Jesus was a Jew .Superman created by two Jewish guys.Jesus was said to be able to see into men's hearts.Superman had X-ray vision ,and could actually see your heart.Jesus died to save all mankind.Superman died saving all mankind.Jesus resurrected.Superman resurrected.The difference between the two Superman never lied,and will never send you to Hell.So in your time of need who would you rather call on a character made up to entertain children,or SUPERMAN?

      1. ChernobylSoup

        Christians in eternal debate with followers of Mohamed; Superman fans in eternal debate with proponents of Stan Lee.

      2. Swampgas_Man

        Superman spends a surprising amount of time getting brainwashed, red-kryptonited, Bizarro-cloned, and having his mind otherwise screwed with. This may be the long-awaited Explanation for Evil — The Devil is a bizarro-clone of Jesus.

    11. PsycWench

      I checked out the online review and was struck by the comment that " this one is strongly Protestant (and anti-Catholic), capitalistic, patriotic, and anti-United Nation". Then the review cheerfully goes on as though it had just listed some strong points.

    12. Steverino247

      Alt-Alt-Text: "How does he make that Eskimo doll on his lap talk? I can't see his lips move. It must be the Miracle of Ventriloquism!"

    13. salt_bagel

      It they were going to totally remake HIStory, they could have at least put Smooth Criminal on it. I always thought that was a pretty egregious oversight.

    14. Angry_Marmot

      The kid on Christ's lap is a liberal/leftie/socialist, and they put an Elizabethan collar on to keep him from chewing his own leg off.

      1. PsycWench

        Quite the Rainbow Coalition they've got going in that picture. I think the gay kid is off getting a spear in the chest somewhere.

        1. kittensdontlie

          Just minutes before, the gay kid had been drowned in a 'botched' baptism in that stream in the background. Jesus is depicted giving his Parable of the Lisp to the assembled children,…where the lesson was about the natural bouyancy inherent in straight children.

    15. sewollef

      It's actually quite hard to snark about topics such as this for me.

      It depresses the hell out of my hopes for the human race and its potential to overcome its desire to kill each other at the slightest provocation. Whether it's religious fundamentalism, abortion or 'that jackass stole my parking spot'.

      That and access to guns from your local supermarket or given away by banks attracting potential new customers.

      But y'know, it's a holiday weekend, so fuck it. It's 5-o-Clock somewhere….

    16. Troubledog

      The superstition of lndia’s religions is a major cause of that nation’s abject poverty, economic backwardness, and cultural stagnation.

      FTFY

        1. MosesInvests

          Noted religious fundamentalists Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and the Kim family of Pyongyang would like a word….

          1. CthuNHu

            The superstition of lndia's religions susceptibility of the ignorant and un-self-aware to the siren song of any creed that declares their superiority over others in the world and the justice and necessity of their hating and/or violently opposing and/or eliminating other populations is a major cause of that nation's abject poverty, economic backwardness, and cultural stagnation, mass murder and general fuckheadedness.

            FTFY

    17. viennawoods13

      The period of European rule-especially in British colonies—was a time of great progress in Africa, particularly where the gospel was most influential…. After the introduction of Christianity, men began to realize the sanctity (sacred worth) of life; as a result, bloody tribal wars diminished, slavery was abolished, and evangelism flourished. The spiritual darkness which had so long held Africa in its grip was beginning to be expelled

      I've told this story before, but fits in perfectly here. I teach high school history. Years ago, I said of Africa that colonization destroyed its indigenous society, economy, government, culture, and religion. The son of a fundie preacher in the class was SO pissed off at me that he ostentatiously picked up a book and read it, ignoring me, for the remainder of the class. Worst part of that: he is now a teacher himself.

      As a student and teacher of history, this distortion of the discipline disgusts me deeply.

      1. kittensdontlie

        We can only pray that a child's natural intelligence can see through the lies that are the fundie version of history.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          Worked for me, but that's because you would really have to have had some good bullshit to fool a smart black kid in the '60s and '70s.

          Our father was a fundie minister, and my older siblings are Christians, but I think they all reached their own accommodations with what was believable and what was racism, coming from the mouths of our white fundie "brethren."

    18. SexySmurf

      OT But that Clint Eastwood thing is still pissing me off. First off, Clint did the best job he could under the circumstances; 90% of people, if they had to give an unprepared speech in front of that many people, would have just pissed their pants and ran off the stage crying. So everyone on the Internet, stop clowning on Clint Eastwood. Second off, shame on the Romney campaign for allowing that to happen in the first place and then throwing Clint under the bus for their mistake.

      1. no_gravity

        Why was it an unprepared speech? Shouldn't he have perhaps rehearsed it just like they do when making a movie?

        1. SexySmurf

          According to the Romney campaign, they did not insist on rehearsals or even review the script before they allowed the dude from Space Cowboys to introduce their candidate at their multimillion dollar convention they'd been planning for months. If what they say is true (and that's a gigantic "if") that's some bush league shit.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            On the other hand, they insisted that anything Ron Paul said be scrutinized beforehand, so as not to embarrass Romney.

            (that sounded far more like a Paultard comment than I meant it to!)

            1. Fare la Volpe

              Ron Paul wasn't even at the RNC. He was at his own private Paultard event in a completely different city.

            2. Doktor Zoom

              Abso-tootly; what I meant was, that was their condition for letting him speak at all, if he wanted to appear there, which he rejected, and for once I kind of agree with Ron Paul (stopped clock principle, etc.)

            3. Fare la Volpe

              I know what you mean. Every once in a while Paul will say something I can halfway agree with: "Legalize pot!" "Stop the wars!" And then he'll turn right around and say we need to do both those things so the UN can't declare martial law and come steal all of our metal penises. Criminey.

      2. Chet Kincaid_

        Fuck Clint Eastwood for buying into the anti-Obama shit. I hope the bus backs over him and gives him another nice set of tread marks. I'm glad it happened, and ecstatic that everyone involved looks like a schmuck. Between that and Ryan being universally pilloried for his lies, this was a wonderful convention.

        1. deanbooth

          I'm with you, Chet. Anyone who advocates for R/R deserves all the ridicule they get. There are real consequences, including — without exaggeration — the unnecessary suffering of millions and early death of tens of thousands.

          1. tessiee

            I agree that they're loathsome and evil, and that their supporters are, at best, dupes.

            That having been said, I've had at least somewhat respectful discussions with people whose politics are at variance with mine, if they can make a reasonable point.

            Clint Eastwood richly deserves all the ridicule that's being heaped on him not only because he opposed President Obama, but because he did so for the most false and venal reasons. In going for the cheap laugh, he missed and made a complete ass of himself. That's the risk you take.

          2. Bezoar

            Although, as I contemplate the likely future, would early death necessarily be such a bad thing? (Consummation devoutly to be wished, etc.)

      3. Chet Kincaid_

        I'll bet what's really going on is that Clint is just at that semi-senile old fart stage in life where the fact that Spike Lee criticized him for not having any black people in his World War II movie turned him into an Obama hater, just for spite.

        1. MosesInvests

          To be fair to Clint-unless you were in the Navy, in which case you *might* have had an African-American steward on your ship, you could have gone through the entire war without seeing a black person. General James Crow was one of the commanders of the US military back then.

          1. Chet Kincaid_

            Not if "you" were a Sargeant in an all-black artillery unit that fought in the Battle Of The Bulge, like my Dad. But Spike made his own movie, so point was made.

            1. BerkeleyBear

              I was going to respond snarktastically, but I don't want there to be even a chance of being misunderstood. What men like your father did, in simultaneously fighting against the Germans and being treated like shit by white officers (many of whom shared the Nazis views on race) is a level of bravery and patriotism I just don't have. Where I grew up, the equivalent was the exploits of the 442nd Regimental Combat team of Japanese Americans, many of whom left the internment camps to enlist. These are the stories that deserve a whole lot more attention, especially considering we have several cable channels that devote hours each day to WWII related programming.

            2. Fare la Volpe

              George Takei is co-starring in a Broadway musical right now about growing up in Japanese internment camps, and the conflicted loyalties that come with being American but being the "wrong kind" of American.

              It's called Allegiance, and you should check it out.

              Also, the "History" Channel never devotes much time to non-white involvement in WWII because it would anger their target demographic of white supremacists and alien abductees.

            3. BerkeleyBear

              Sounds like a neat show. There was a book put out about members of the 442 – Japanese Eyes, American Heart – that really brought it all home for me. No idea if it is still in press – it was a borderline vanity project – but at least as worth a read as Band of Brothers

              Especially weird for the guys from Hawaii, who helped defend the islands immediately post Pearl Harbor, only to then be told they couldn't be trusted to serve in the Pacific, then finally wind up in Italy fighting. After getting to see their friends and relatives all over the West Coast get interred.

            4. Doktor Zoom

              You'll be delighted to know that the editors of World History & Cultures seem to think that the term "Nisei" referred specifically to the soldiers of the 442nd. At least, that's how it's used in the short section on them. (Yes, more next week)

            5. BerkeleyBear

              That mistake would take almost the perfect storm of stupid and ignorance, Dok. Why am I not surprised?

        2. rickmaci

          Wait just a minute there, I just read "World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed." and it does not say blacks were in WW !! We all know that war was fought by white men to save the world for Jeezuuz and to rid the universe of Nazi buttsekks.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            Not just white men, but American Christian white men, the only proper kind of white men allowed. Those Jewish white men don't count.

            Also too,

            Nazi buttsekks

            This is my new fetish.

          2. Chet Kincaid_

            "Many of Hitler's ideas regarding the evils of Communism and the dominion of European civilization were closer to the Word of God than the Jesus-mocking, man-centered travesties of Stalin. Yet, Hitler made a treacherous alliance with the alien, Oriental culture of the Japanese Emperor, and persecuted the Chosen People with such Herod-like vehemence that God empowered a crippled Socialist to strike him down. But on the bright side, welcome back Israel!"

            1. tessiee

              I've been staring at your post for a full minute, and I'm no closer to being able to tell whether it's a verbatim quote or clever parody.

            2. James Michael Curley

              It also had too many words in each sentence, commas in the right places and a disarming lack of colons and semicolons.

      4. kittensdontlie

        Clint is caught up as a confused bystander while the GOP wages War on the Truth, Justice and the American Way.

      5. tessiee

        Respectfully disagree.
        Setting aside the point that someone who's had an acting career spanning close to 60 years could reasonably be expected to have *some* skill at improvisation…
        Setting aside the point that even if improvisation isn't Eastwood's strong suit, he could have jotted down a few notes or at least given some thought to what he was going to say…
        Meh, nobody forced them to have Clint Eastwood as a speaker.
        They could have had Dumbass Bush, or Darth Cheney, or Silly Sarah, or or or…
        They picked Eastwood of their own free will, at least in part because we're supposed to forget 2000-2008.*
        `
        `
        `
        *the other part is because we're supposed to think that if Clint Eastwood is backing Romney, then Romney's not really a total puss.

      6. DemmeFatale

        I still say that it was a piece of "angry ol' white guy" performance art, that was a big "fuck you" to the GOP.
        Just a few months back, he starred in an ad during the Super Bowl, and the wing-nuts said it was too pro-Obama.

        (No coincidence that his new movie is about an old guy who is losing it.)

        1. Fare la Volpe

          (No coincidence that his new movie is about an old guy who is losing it.)

          Isn't that all of his movies?

        2. James Michael Curley

          A little irony occurs during this weeks 60 Minutes when they are interviewing Sergio Marchionne, CEO of Chrysler and mention the Stupor-Bowl* ad and the controversy it generated as 'an election year ad' for Obama.

          Used as opinion and avoidance of trade mark infringement SLAPP suit.

      7. miss_grundy

        You consider it a mistake to have an actor-director of Eastwood's calibre to do his improv act. He chose to speak to the POTUS as if he were lecturing a child. He, also, chose to put words in his mouth like "Fuck Off!" For your information, I have never, never, had access to an audio moment when Mr. Obama told someone off by cursing at the individual or individuals involved. He has ALWAYS acted as a gentleman, even when the stupid, rat bastard and bitches, the Republicans and their surrogates, have accused him of everything rotten under the sun.

        I am DEEPLY offended by Eastwood. If you want to have a discussion of differences in policy, please do so. I haven't always agreed with everything the President has done but I can understand the really shitty situation he has been put in by the previous administration that has left this country in disarray. At the convention, the Republicans made it seem as if the President were completely responsible for the deficit. Did these asshats forget that it was Bush-Cheney who involved us in two wars and allowed the economy to nearly go over the cliff? Did they take any responsibility for not doing anything for the American people during this past Congress? Of course not! If Eastwood and the rest of the angry old rich men in Hollywood want to be Republicans that is there right. Everyone has a right to his/her political party but to be so DISRESPECTFUL of a sitting president is not COOL but merely demonstrates a complete lack of civility and manners.

        1. Carrabuda

          I regret that I have only one upfist to give to this comment. It really pissed me off that Eastwood presents Invisible Obama as profane and disrespectful. As you say, President Obama is unfailingly polite, even with people he clearly (and justifiably) hates, like Eric Cantor.

        2. Chichikovovich

          Multiple thumbs-up for the comment. This dimension zipped right by me.

          Now that you mention it, the suggestion that Biden was stupid was pretty crass as well, especially coming from a confused old crank babbling at cheap furniture.

        3. James Michael Curley

          Go to it.
          I have had great difficulty convincing a few people how Eastwood's performance was way beyond all reasonable political discourse. Such a performance, taken to the height of political acumen as experienced by a national political convention, is almost indescribable in its stupidity, arrogance and social incivility. I feel like Emperor Valentinian and the Republicans are at the Gates.

      8. Negropolis

        Okay, on your first point, give me a break. Clint is an actor, a legendary actor, in fact. this wasn't some amateur, so comparing him to some random schlub in the audience is silly.

        He could have done far better than that, so let's drop this "Leave Clint Alone! bull, okay?" While I blame the Romney campaign far more that, Clint isn't some blameless lamb in all of this.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          When a legendary actor can't actually make the bit work, he should know better than to do improv.

          There will at least be one good side effect: Clint's 15 minutes of shame will be an object lesson to comedy / improv workshops for years.

          1. Negropolis

            I heard that they tried to get him off stage, but he went on for another ten minutes, or so. So, yeah, my sympathy for him is greatly reduced.

            He came out wanting to be a his stereotypical, bitter, asshole self, and he, well, certainly accomplished that much of his schtick. Unfortunately for him, he accomplished quite a great deal more, namely spoiling his long-term legacy. No grown-assed man should come out on state at a political convention and do what he did.

            Even mistakes and accidents have consequences, and this was no accident.

            1. tessiee

              "He came out wanting to be a his stereotypical, bitter, asshole self, and he, well, certainly accomplished that much of his schtick."

              At least when Denis Leary did that, he was funny.

            2. James Michael Curley

              Some person who states she was in the position to see said the "Red Light" was flashing incessantly for seven to eight minutes before the meandering end.

      9. Chichikovovich

        I'm with many of the other commenters on this one. If Eastwood had come out and tried to do a respectful but dissenting take on President Obama, and then babbled and rambled incoherently, I'd be sympathetic, and even cut him some slack.

        But he chose to act like an insulting, cranky, snide asshole instead, and that quashed any charitable impulse I would have felt.

      10. fuflans

        i don't know. i just can't get the exercised about it. it was a risky bit and it failed (and comedy and improv are entirely different animals – and i would argue MUCH more difficult ones – than other types of acting). and unlike colbert at the whcd in whatever year ('07?) it ain't gonna age well.

        i think john stewart's take was best. thanks to whatever wonketteer noted it…

    19. Blueb4sinrise

      Q: If India was such shit, why did the British want it so badly?

      A: India was where much of the good stuff and moneez were.

    20. poncho_pilot

      i read Christianist America as Christianish America. which might be more truthful, really.

      great alt-text, btw.

    21. Calapine

      "we will learn why the Papacy, are evil dirty lies!"

      Having been raised catholic, now happily agnostic, this always cracks me up. Funny fringe groups that didn't even exist 500 years ago deriding the Catholic church. When it comes to made up beliefs, we are the real thing. Catholicism == Christianity, the rest is heresy.

      Get that in your head you effing cultists.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Thank you, Chet. That's pretty much Chapters 12-15. Also need to warn you I may very well swipe that "licensing agreement" bit for next week.

          1. Chet Kincaid_

            Don't you just hate it when you decided all of that stuff was b.s. in your early 20s, yet you can still be goaded into some Christian intramural trash talk 30 years later because of your early fundie exposure?

            I should also point out that the Catholic pantheon of "saints" is a crass and cynical importation of pagan demi-gods, which is a clear violation of Our Lord's franchising stipulations. And the syncretism of Catholic "saints" with Yoruban black gods from darkest Nigeria, as officially sanctioned in the form of the Negroes' Santeria/Candomble/Vodun in the New World, is such rank apostasy that the Catholic Church should have been stripped of the right to use the likenesses, symbols and source code for Christianity centuries ago.

            1. viennawoods13

              Well, and then there's the fact that all major Christian holy days were originally pagan celebrations that they had to co-opt for the simple reason that they couldn't stop those durned pagans from celebrating the lengthening days in late December, the return of spring once again, the longest day in June, etc,etc. But of course we all know that already. But it still pisses me off.

            2. Doktor Zoom

              "By being born, you have agreed to accept this taint of original sin. Use of certain pre-installed components without proper licensure will doom you to eternal torment."

    22. Chet Kincaid_

      Ed-die Vedder loves the chil…dren…
      All the children of the wooorld…
      Red and yellow black and white
      They are precious in his sight
      Eddie Vedder loves the children of the wooorld!

      1. tessiee

        Old National Lampoon joke:

        Go to a greeting card store with your most Christian friend. Point out Jesus on a religious card. Ask your friend, "Is that George Harrison?".

    23. Guppy

      Because I just can't help myself!

      As a result, many of the Greek philosphers and their followers fell into gross immorality

      Like eating pork and not being circumcised! Silly gentiles! Oh, wait…

      The first and foremost benefit under British rule was the work of Protestant missionaries…who brought the pure gospel of Christ to India’s perishing millions

      Thomas the Apostle says "hi!"

      Just as Communism is the greatest threat to the Philippines today, so is evangelization its greatest need.

      Underneath the starry flag/civilize 'em with a Krag!

      For over a thousand years, there was no clear Christian witness in the vast heartland of Africa;

      Philip the Evangelist says "hi!"

      The period of European rule-especially in British colonies—was a time of great progress in Africa, particularly where the gospel was most influential

      Considering how old Christianity is in Ethiopia (and India and China and…), I'd say the rapid spread of Christianity in the Nineteenth Century has more to do with repeating rifles than philosophy.

      and many others are bound by the teachings of Islam

      Muhammad, unlike Paul, said you should free slaves.

        1. doloras

          Yeah, well. If there is an afterlife, then I bet both Jesus son of Mary and Muhammad son of Abdullah are in hiding from their fan clubs.

        2. MosesInvests

          Yeah, and the Arab countries that were the last in the world to abolish slavery (in 1968!) should have read their Koran, as well.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        To be "fair" (bad secular humanist habit, that), the text does discuss the early Christian communities in Ethiopia, North Africa, and Egypt; the excerpt is from a section on the tribal cultures that failed to get True Religion quickly enough and remained in darkness. No doubt they thought they were happy in their way, but obviously they could not have been, lacking the Light of Christ.

        (Sometimes I scare myself with how easy it is to slip into that mode of writing…I'd like to think I could never fake it on a sustained basis!)

        1. Guppy

          I think you're giving them a little too much credit. Look at what they had to say about the vile Filipino papists.

          They weren't worshiping White Jesus.

    24. Arkoday

      OT but I just want to thank the good Doktor for working weekends. Dr. dude always comes through, saving me from re-reading last week's stories over and over. Keep it up, even if it's on straight time.

      1. RadioBowels

        The spiritual darkness which had so long held weekend Wonkette in its grip was beginning to be expelled

    25. weejee

      Re: Creation 4000 BCE As equally valid historical resource The Onion points out, this event came as a big surprise to the Sumerians

      What about Wonkette's very own Lascauxcaveman's house painter ancestors??!!!??

      1. TribecaMike

        Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
        King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!

    26. finette_

      Liberia, of course, was settled by former slaves who'd been 'saved' and is still 85% Christian, mostly Protestant. And yet…. 85% unemployment (coincidence?), $500 per capita income. Compare that to 9.8% and $1219 respectively in India.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Liberia gets a mention! Page 92, right before the chunk I used about "Modern Africa needs the Saving Gospel":

        "ln Sudan, Arab Muslims from the North waged war on
        the predominantly Christian tribes of the South; rival
        warlords terrorized Somalia; bloody warfare resulted
        in 500,000 deaths in Rwanda; and political violence
        in Liberia drove thousands of Americans and others
        out of the country.'"

        Yep, Liberia's turmoil hurt Americans. And others.

      2. Negropolis

        That's not even to mention that the settlers practically treated the actual natives of the land like slaves, and ruled over them until about the 1980's despite being only like 2% of the population. It was a major point of the civil war.

    27. Mumbletypeg

      many ideas of modern psychology were based on the Greeks’ false, man-centered philosophies

      Too bad the ideologue-besotten Christian citizens of the 1950s didn't recognize the crudnuggetry in Power of Positive Denialist Thinking* for its underhanded suggestion you could take the reins guiding your own fate, strangle your own reasoning with self-manipulation, and still look God-fearing while doing it.

      *described by one critic in above-linked wiki as "saccharine terrorism" — heh.

        1. TribecaMike

          lol "Faced with the election of a Catholic," Peale declared, "our culture is at stake, as are our precious national beer and wine reserves."

    28. not that Dewey

      OT: You, too, can get a personalized boilerplate nonpology from Todd Akin
      https://forms.house.gov/akin/webforms/issue_subsc

      Dear [redacted]:

      I was completely wrong to use the term "legitimate" and "rape" in the same sentence. There is no rape that is legitimate. What I said was ill-conceived, wrong and it hurt people. For that I apologize. I was also wrong when I said women's bodies have a way to stave off pregnancy in the event of "legitimate rape." I was misinformed, and I recognize that. However, I do not apologize for my belief in being pro-life and the protection of the unborn.

      I appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts with me. Please feel free to contact my office in the future if I may be of assistance.

      Sincerely,

      Todd Akin
      Member of Congress

          1. Doktor Zoom

            But it's for wimmin's own good! As the bumper sticker says, they just want equal rights for unborn women.

            (I need to vomit now)

            1. not that Dewey

              Rush Limbaugh told me the other day that Obama was the number one supporter of infanticide in Illinois, whereas Romney cooked turkey for some kid with Hodgkin's disease, therefore he (Limbaugh) is the true humanitarian, for having noticed this contradiction.

    29. Rotundo_

      Idiocracy was not a documentary.
      Idiocracy was not a documentary.
      Idiocracy was not a documentary.
      This isn't working, damn it! Idiocracy *was* a documentary…..

    30. Callyson

      Sounds like an amusing (alternating with infuriating) read, but I'm still going through Fake Science 101. Which is likely to be more factually accurate than this crap…

    31. OneYieldRegular

      Is there nothing about China, and how the ancient Chinese failed to watch the crucifixion on TV and as a result became communists who didn't know anything about Jesus?

      1. deanbooth

        From what I've read, one rationalization about everyone in the world having to accept Christ was that the when Jebus ascended in to heaven (with angels and trumpets, etc.), everyone could see him because the earth was flat.

        Once it became clear that the earth was a globe, the Church would not accept that there could be people existing on the other side. "As to the fable that there are Antipodes, that is to say, men on the opposite side of the earth, where the sun rises when it sets on us, men who walk with their feet opposite ours, there is no reason for believing it." — Augustine, City of God

        1. tessiee

          ""As to the fable that there are Antipodes, that is to say, men on the opposite side of the earth, where the sun rises when it sets on us, men who walk with their feet opposite ours, there is no reason for believing it." — Augustine, City of God"

          As St. Augustine quotes go, I prefer, "God, make me good — but not yet".

      2. Chet Kincaid_

        One of my favorite High School Fundie Stumpers: how can God send people to hell who never had a chance to hear the Gospel?

        The only answer anybody ever gave me is that God has mysterious ways to reveal Himself to people who never got any missionaries, something something don't question it.

        1. Fare la Volpe

          Dante rationalized that they were forever stuck in Limbo with all the unbaptized babies. Now that Holy Mother Church has officially poo-poo'd the existence of Limbo, Satan only knows how they rationalize it today.

      3. Doktor Zoom

        I had to cut a rather longish bit of nonsense about the notion that the Chinese language contains Sekrit Evidence that ancient Chinese actually worshiped the One True God, that they were aware of the Genesis story, and that they knew about the flood. It's really loopy, and I'm going to come back to it in a later post. For the time being, here's a loon who takes it seriously, and here's a snarky little video that cruelly debunks it, suggesting that — egad! — there are flaws in the logic.

    32. Chet Kincaid_

      What part of "thou shalt have no other Gods before me" is so inconvenient to the conversion of polytheistic pagans, so let's let 'em have a couple dozen demi-gods like Mary and the saints for old times' sake?! (Drops mic and flings Chick tracts into the audience while leaving stage)

      1. poncho_pilot

        my favorite Chick tract is the one where the soccer player gets AIDS and dies. he's a regular Bill Shakespeare.

        anyway, i would think if you gave birth to the physical form of God on Earth you're entitled to some esteem. unless of course, you're being viewed through the eyes of an increasingly regressive Care Bear Cousin version of a major religion in which case you're only an Axolotl Tank.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          Don't get me started on Science Fiction!! Reading sf, fantasy and comics simultaneously with growing up the son of a black fundie minister is probably what ruined my impressionable young mind. (And you can't really trust some of the Renegade Negroes to stick with the program.)

      2. Negropolis

        It's telling how they get particularly riled up over Mary. Mary is one of the church's many, many go-betweens, but she sends the fundies up the wall.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          My idiot brother (we're both adopted, thank the Cosmic Muffin), got himself Born Again and had a huge falling out with my Taliban Catholic mother over her "idolatry."

          By then I was a Unitarian.

    33. ElPinche

      But every single historical case, an eccentric, raggedy man with a pen knife shows up in a mysterious blue police box .

    34. tessiee

      "World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective"

      Ooh, *I* know!
      And then you open the covers, and it's got a bunch of pages like a real book, but they're all BLANK!
      Haw haw!
      Oh, Jesus, you're such a kidder!

    35. tessiee

      "Because man did not have the authority to put murderers to death during this time, acts of violence and passion grew to such dimensions that God mercifully sent the Flood to destroy all of mankind but one believing family. After the Flood … God established civil government by ordering the death penalty (capital punishment) for murder."

      So… Back in the days when there was no death penalty [I have no idea whether or not there *was* a death penalty in that time and place, but just to play along], everybody ran around killing each other willy-nilly, and fucking everybody else, and worshipping, I don't know, skunks; and God had to do our dirty work for us and kill off the bad guys [for some reason, he couldn't just kill off the individual bad guys, hit them in the ass with a lightning bolt or something].

      Now, thank goodness, God helpfully sent Moses the ten commandments with the rule that says, "Thou shalt kill", so we can just legally kill somebody if they piss us off too much… so… there's no more crime… and we never have to fear the wrath of God?

      I think this may be a bit convoluted for your basic cracker high school student to grasp.

    36. Chet Kincaid_

      No mention of the fact that rock, jazz and all the other Negro-influenced popular "music" that has seduced the white entertainment industry for over 100 years is based on the shameful, salacious, devil-worship rhythms that heathen Negro savages refused to renounce in the fetid holds of slave-ships on the way to the New World!? Or have the author and publisher been seduced by the foul abomination of "Christian Rock"?!

      1. TribecaMike

        As Louis Armstrong said, "If you have to ask what jazz is you'll never know, pops." (Or something like that.) As well as, "If it hadn't been for jazz, there wouldn't be no rock and roll."

        1. tessiee

          Random character: But what does Diddy-Wah-Diddy *mean*?
          Mr. Natural: Lady, if you don't know, don't mess with it.

        1. tessiee

          “Can't you see that you're not making Christianity better, you're just making Rock'n'Roll Worse?” — Hank Hill

    37. tessiee

      "It is interesting to note the similarity of the Sumerian ziggurats, the Egyptian pyramids, and the temples of the ancient Mayas of Central America. Some scholars believe that the striking similarity of these structures reflects man’s dispersion from one original center of culture."

      Or perhaps that sliding a two-ton stone up an incline is easier than trying to dead-lift it.

      1. prommie

        Yes, piling things on top of each other in a shape which gets narrower as it rises higher, that is such a breakthrough it can't possibly be conicidence. Not like it just happens when you try to pile anything, absolutely anything, up.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Are you telling me my kids aren't fucking geniuses for figuring out how to stack rings? Is that what you are saying?

      3. vulpes82

        It always makes me go into a fit when those Ancient Astronaut kooks and suchlike start saying, "There must have been contact between the Maya, ancient Egypt, Sumer, etc. Look at the pyramids!" Yeah, YOU try constructing a massive building with stone tools without concrete, carbon steel, and rebar. IT'S FUCKING PHYSICS, FOOLS!

        1. MosesInvests

          What really irks me is the idea that it must have been spacemen-no way could those n*gg*rs and wogs have accomplished those feats of engineering before white folks figured that stuff out!

      4. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Physics, how the fuck does it work?

        No really, how the fuck does it work? I did really bad in that class.

        1. Fukui-sanYesOta

          Aha, something I actually know about!

          When you're younger, you're taught the world works in a certain way. Newton's laws etc & so on. P=IV and V=IR and F=ma and all that.

          Then when you're a bit older and decide to study it, your teachers tell you that they kinda lied before and it really works in another way, but those things they told you before are close enough that you wouldn't notice.

          Then, if you're really stupid like me, you study it more and run into "we're not sure but this is our best guess"

          And that's how physics (actually most science education) works.

          There are three big theories which have never been disproved:

          - Relativity. Hugely tested, never found to be incorrect.
          - Quantum Mechanics. This one is tricky because nobody really knows how it makes such accurate predictions at utter odds to how we experience reality. It's so weird we have something called the "Copenhagen Interpretation" which effectively states "this shit is weird but real, yo"
          - Evolution. So simple a child can understand it, and it really is correct.

    38. schvitzatura

      Any mention of Jared Diamond in the A Beka History of the World? Anything linking biblical preference of ungulate mammals for Jahweh sacrifice to that of field gleanings and hunter gatherer cultures and how that relates to the Diamond Fertile Cresecent extended around the world at temperate latitudes?

    39. tessiee

      "Again with that “darkness,” huh? But it’s only a metaphor, right? It would be niggardly to suggest otherwise."

      I confess that I caught myself repressing a snigger over this wordplay.

    40. tessiee

      "British rule was highly beneficial for India in a number of ways. The first and foremost benefit under British rule was the work of Protestant missionaries…"

      Also: white, DUH!

      1. prommie

        They shoulda named the book "The White Man's Burden: The History of White Chrsitians Civilizing The Heathen Savage Browns."

        1. BerkeleyBear

          When I first read Kipling's ode to whiteness, I was sure it was the most brilliant satire ever. How sad to find it was just crazy sincere white stupid.

    41. tessiee

      "Not a word about tentacle porn"

      Here's a REAL history fact that's even fun:
      Tentacle porn began in the late 1800s as a response to censorship laws of that day and age, which specifically prohibited any images of a woman being penetrated by a *penis*.
      Some clever pervert whose name is lost to history thought, "Well, they ain't never said she couldn't be penetrated by anything else, a-hyuk!", and voila, tentacle porn.

      1. Blueb4sinrise

        Good to know.

        Also, imagine the crazee lady from that city council meeting a couple weeks ago doing a voice-over.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Time Bandits is the only movie ever made which meaning gets more obscure on each viewing.

    42. deanbooth

      "Adam and Eve … contained within their genes…"

      Well, not exactly genes:

      The "spermists' theory…held that the sperm was in fact a "little man" (homunculus) that was placed inside a woman for growth into a child. … It was later pointed out that if the sperm was a homunculus, identical in all but size to an adult, then the homunculus may have sperm of its own. This led to a reductio ad absurdum with a chain of homunculi "all the way down". This was not necessarily considered by spermists a fatal objection however, as it neatly explained how it was that "in Adam" all had sinned: the whole of humanity was already contained in his loins." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preformationism)

      He's got you and me, brother, in his balls…

      1. TribecaMike

        Nobel Prize-winning pediatrician-geneticist-trampoline enthusiast Victoria Jackson recently asserted that children have totally different DNA than their parents, so it sounds like we may have a major religious/scientific schism on our hands.

        1. tessiee

          "Victoria Jackson recently asserted that children have totally different DNA than their parents"

          Yeah, that's why I'm 5 foot 9 and a natural redhead.
          Actual conversation:
          Me: OK, Dad, you're off the hook for my ears, but I'm NEVER forgiving you for my feet!
          Dad: Be glad you didn't get the eyesight and shaddup.

      2. tessiee

        "It was later pointed out that if the sperm was a homunculus, identical in all but size to an adult, then the homunculus may have sperm of its own. This led to a reductio ad absurdum with a chain of homunculi "all the way down". "

        That's what *I* thought when I heard about ladies and their eggs!
        Of course, I was eight years old at the time.

    43. Redgyal

      Again with the Africans sold their own people stuff. So who was doing the buying? I think they need to go back and rewrite some more history to answer that question.

      Also, as a well known Christian once said, Satan is the father of lies.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          So was white on white slavery. So was Biblical slavery (to the extent we can actually find support for it in other records). It took a truly foul, fucked up group of whites to say "Darkies don't fit into our view of civilized + we don't want to have to keep importing new ones, who die and rebel more often than the ones born here = perpetual slavery by birth". The only close equivalent in terms of its perpetual nature would be serfdom, and even that was not nearly as restrictive on relative upward mobility (at least anywhere but Russia).

          1. TribecaMike

            For the Irish it was called "indentured servitude," which made it all sound neat and tidy in a Britishy way.

        2. Redgyal

          My point had more to do with the fact that it is a common tactic of certain groups to justify slavery by saying that Africans sold their own people into slavery. However, they always seem to forget that if someone was not willing to buy slaves in the first place, it would not have become the unjust system that it did. If Europeans were not to blame for the slave trade, why did they use slave labor? It just seems like a very twisted form of logic to me to imply that a group of people who you deny basic human rights somehow deserve it because one of their own people hurt them. It is like saying that a child who was abused by his parents deserves to be hurt by strangers simply because his own patents hurt him.

          1. Chet Kincaid_

            They are not "justifying slavery." They point out that there was slavery in Africa in order to shut up the black people who place the blame for the evils of slavery on white Europeans. It is their way of slam-dunking in uppity Negroes' faces, with undertones of "sure, we were wrong, but you're better off now, because our morally superior culture eventually freed you. You're welcome!"

            1. Redgyal

              That is still a bad argument because a morally superior culture would not have used slave labor in the first place. I have a hard time believing that it took over 400 years for Europeans to realize that what they were doing was wrong. Nice try but not a slam dunk…just a weak argument to justify taking advantage of another human being.

      1. tessiee

        Someone who is more conversant in ancient history than I am, please fact-check me on this, but wasn't slavery a commonplace in a lot of ancient societies, but without ownership — more like, "I owe this guy money, and I can't pay him back, so I have to work off my debt"?

        1. MosesInvests

          Actually, both existed. What you're describing was kind of like indentured servitude, and was generally for a fixed time period (in ancient Israel, no more than 6 years). There was also chattel slavery, usually prisoners of war.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            But even in the POW situation, there were normally lots of ways to get out of the slave status. These included exchanges, counter-raids, escapes, ransoms, buy outs and proving your worth in such a way as to merit emancipation/membership. Most of which was a lot easier as long as the group taking the prisoners was geographically in touch with the tribe/group they were taken from. The thing about American/Caribbean slavery after the mid 1600s that was so different and awful was that it systemically sought to make those options all but impossible.

      2. Negropolis

        I always hate that it has to be taught that chattel slavery based on race is different than other types of servitude. The slavery practiced in Africa and everywhere was not the same race-based chattel slavery, on the whole, practiced during the Transatlantic slave trade. I think what made this moment in slavery even worse and more ironic was that the height of the trade was post-Enlightenment when the masters of the universe held themselves up as morally and scientifically superior. They couldn't even use the excuse of not knowing any better since their own moral code inherently knew this shit was prepugnant.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          It's OK– the Enlightenment actually was an arrogant humanistic enterprise, so it was itself a departure from God's plan. So of course it was going to enslave people. That's just what you get when you get away from humble God-based belief.

          As Great Thinker Ben Stein said, "Love of God and compassion and empathy leads you to a very glorious place, and science leads you to killing people."

          1. Chet Kincaid_

            What an idiotic thing for him to say, as if there have never been any Jewish scientists. I guess all you have to do is wear tweed and drone obnoxiously to be mistaken for a deep thinker these days.

        2. Redgyal

          Don't worry the irony is lost on them. One would think that people who practice a religion that had a whole book dedicated to the story about the release of slaves from Egypt would know better.

    44. johnnyzhivago

      The fact that Jesus spoke perfect American English (no gay english accent!) is another thing I make sure my kids understand when I show them how to taunt and throw peanuts at Mexicans and other foreigners.

    45. ttommyunger

      Pish-Posh! I also have a direct line to God; in fact, we spoke about this stuff this very afternoon and She told me these people are SOOOOO full of shit.

      1. Isyaignert

        I wish "Gawd" would come on down to Earth and smack those phoney mofos around a bit – "You've been saying WHAT about me???"

        1. ttommyunger

          I really feel being trapped in their own skin is a terrible punishment in itself.Sent from my iPhone

        2. Doktor Zoom

          Alvy: Well, that's funny, because I happen to have God right here, so, so, yeah…

          God: I heard what you were saying! You know nothing of my work! How you got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing!

    46. Steverino247

      When we get to the instruction on entertainment, perhaps the texts will explain why every actor who's ever portrayed Christ experienced a tanking career afterwards (with the exception of Willem Defoe in the portrayal they hate the most)?

        1. Steverino247

          Didn't know about that one. Thanks.

          In the commentary stuff on "Last Temptation" Willem Dafoe talks about that "curse" of Christ portrayals. Perhaps he broke the "curse?"

          1. TribecaMike

            That movie was cursed by Harvey Keitel playing Judas with a Brooklyn accent.

            Not a fan of the flick, but the 40 days in the desert scene is pretty trippy.

            1. Chet Kincaid_

              Awesome soundtrack, though. The closest thing I've had to an ecstatic religious experience was driving into the mountains north of Taos, in the Fall, while listening to that CD. The beauty of the landscape and the grandeur of the music was overwhelming.

        2. Geminisunmars

          Although going from making movies to being in a tv series is sometimes not thought of as upward mobility.

        3. BerkeleyBear

          But oh, man, did he make some crap after Passion (or just as likely had made it before and it got released after). I mean, a serious golf movie, a serious boat racing movie (and lake based power boating, no less) and then a sci-fi about aliens (who look like normal humans) and Vikings teaming up? That is an epic run of bad choices.

    47. BoroPrimorac

      Xtian history book in a nutshell: Browns need whites and their religion to guide them or they don't amount to shit.

    48. TribecaMike

      "For over a thousand years, there was no clear Christian witness in the vast heartland of Africa." L. Ron Hubbard must have written that chapter.

    49. LibertyLover

      Sounds like the genetic material of Adam and Eve and also Noah's sons (and dils) produced a bunch of murdering thugs.

    50. LibertyLover

      Doktor Zoom, Just a wee suggestion to not link over to the Onion in the beginning of your posts… I got so distracted over there I almost forgot to come back…

    51. Grokenstein

      Oh, **** me, I cannot read this. Yet I must! How do you compute that? Where on the graph do "must" and "cannot" meet? I must! Yet I cannot!

      It is interesting to note the similarity of the Sumerian ziggurats, the Egyptian pyramids, and the temples of the ancient Mayas

      Yes, it's also interesting that they all had two feet, ten fingers, access to stone and soil, and a tendency to seek shelter in the rain! And they all made poop! If that doesn't prove a thing, I don't know what does! Checkmate, hippies!!

    52. Steverino247

      Yeah, there's a great story for kids, that Noah's Ark horseshit. Lesson One: If you get upset that nobody's behaving the way you want them to, you can kill them all. Lesson Two: Apparently, even children being born when the rain first started deserved to die, too.

      I won't go into all the physics and biology of that story because the response is always that God can do what He wants and if he wants two of every kind to fit in that Ark (or whatever impossibility you point out) they can. You need to beat that story up on the immorality of it because you can't respond with "MIRACLE!"

      1. tessiee

        "God can do what He wants"

        Lucy Lawless: Whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.
        Audience member: Yes, but in the next chapter…
        Lucy Lawless [interrupting]: WIZARD!
        Audience member: I withdraw my question.
        – The Simpsons

      2. Biff

        Lesson Two: Apparently, even children being born when the rain first started deserved to die, too.

        The mother's bodies had ways of shutting that whole thing down.
        And also, apparently, they saw it coming.

      3. Chichikovovich

        Apparently, even children being born when the rain first started deserved to die, too.

        And what about the poor, innocent immediate antediluvian fetuses preborn babies! God apparently aborted them all. He's worse than Planned Parenthood!

    53. tessiee

      "i think that says a lot about the Protestants . "How dare you pray. to. a. woman???"

      Especially ironic because the only reason there are Protestants is that Henry VIII wanted to fuck Anne Boleyn.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Well, he was able to kill two birds with one stone by Protestantizing the country. Actually I believe he killed more than two birds.

        1. tessiee

          Really, my hat's off to him.
          I do like the occasional having of sex, but I don't get to start my own religion (or at least not one that anybody else pays attention to).

      2. BerkeleyBear

        Martin Luther might take exception to that – and don't get him started, one he has one, he's got 95 and a hammer to drive the point home.

    54. LibertyLover

      God established civil government by ordering the death penalty (capital punishment) for murder. In establishing this first foundational civil ordinance, God again taught man the sanctity of human life (pp. 4-5).

      So much irony is lost on these people.

      1. TribecaMike

        Paul Ryan plagiarized that word for word in his acceptance speech the other night, just before he demonstrated how his grandparents had to dance the limbo with a tree branch because that was all they could afford.

      2. tessiee

        "So much irony is lost on these people."

        So much logic, so much compassion, so much intellectual humility…

    55. Limeylizzie

      I never was exposed to that nonsense, I was Catholic in a state school in the UK, so Church of England was the religion, when they had any kind of religious mumbo- jumbo the headmistress would announce, at the assembly, "Catholics you may now leave and meet with the priest in the library", so myself and the Cassidy sisters, Maria and Denise, would hurry off to the bicycle sheds and smoke our Silk Cut cigs.They were both very slutty, so I learned how to give a blow-job and how to get really drunk on Mandrax and cider.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        You and your nest of perversions. You wicked Catholic. Oh, what a scourging I'd like to give you (and the Cassidy sisters, if they are available).

        1. Limeylizzie

          They were very beautiful, very , very slutty and lived on the local council estate, I found them fascinating! It was an all-girls school, so there were a lot of girl-crushes .

          1. Fare la Volpe

            It was an all-girls school, so there were a lot of girl-crushes .

            I've often wondered this. My rival high school growing up was an all-boys academy, and the recurring insult lobbed their way was that they only went to all-boys schools to have access to all the boys in the locker room. The institution itself seemed to be designed to beat the gay out of you just as fast as you let it into you.

            1. Limeylizzie

              It was weird, not a huge school, I think about 500 students and the equivalent Boys School was about 3 miles away, so we really were not exposed to any males , no male teachers either until eventually we had one in my last year for History and he was very unattractive but many girls got a crush on him. We had two female teachers who lived together and dressed the same, obvs lesbians,but nothing was ever said , this was in the late 70s. I remember having a fierce crush on one of the Prefects and it wasn't exactly sexual, just sort of like a big fandom thing.I didn't know of any out lesbians there, when I was there, but I did “get married” to Jill Pallin in the bathrooms when I was about 11, we had been playing “house” together, she was very into horses, so yeah I suspect she went on to a life of Sappho.

            2. tessiee

              "I did "get married" to Jill Pallin in the bathrooms"

              But not like everybody "gets married" to Bristol Palin in the Burger King batrhroom, right?

            3. BerkeleyBear

              It is a well known side effect of single sex education. Most boys schools adopts the Eton "beat it out of them" method, which doesn't work all that well (and male colleges often have very well established underground gay scenes). Women's colleges, especially, tend to be more tolerant of it. There are even plenty of women who go through several same sex relationships in college only to then get married. Not so much because they changed at any point but because of the populations they found themselves in.

              I say this having spent 3 plus years as a very interested observer of a woman's college.

            1. Limeylizzie

              Yes, you would! We were so fascinated by all things sexual and had no outlet, except other 13 year-old girls.

    56. JCE1985

      It's so crazy how someone can write well, with coherent sentences and correct spelling, and still be spewing incoherent nonsense and babbling stupidity. I know lies can be dressed-up and look nice, but there's still a discord there.

    57. vulpes82

      So many "wonderful" things in this, one hardly knows where to start!

      "For over a thousand years, there was no clear Christian witness in the vast heartland of Africa."

      I think Ethiopia might be surprised to hear this!

      "British rule was highly beneficial for India in a number of ways."

      "The period of European rule-especially in British colonies—was a time of great progress"

      Did Niall Ferguson write that section?

      And these motherfuckers ACTUALLY are dismissing the entirety of Greek philosophy? REALLY?!11!!!?

    58. BlueStateLibel

      I'm sort of afraid to ask, but how does this worthy treatsie treat the election of the first African-American to the presidency? Or are the pages for 2008-2011 just left blank?

            1. TribecaMike

              Hah, or Gallup? Several years ago, my wife spent a week in the hospital in Gallup with a pulmonary embolism, and I stayed at a motel on old Route 66. That is one weird arse town.

            2. Blueb4sinrise

              Yikes!
              I guess I been past Gallup and Albq., don't recall stopping though.
              The SW corner of N.M. I've hung around some.
              Come to think of it, maybe the folks were just the NM side of El Paso.

            3. Steverino247

              Lived out at White Sands Missile Range for a year. I've been all over Southern New Mexico doing a number of interesting things. Strange shit goes on out there all the time.

    59. Biff

      So now that Moon is dead, does that finally put to rest the Neil Armstrong hoax? Sure he walked on the moon…

    60. GemlikeFlame

      Idiots.

      "Thus, the races of man came into existence only a few hundred years ago." somehow follows from hidden recessives in Noah's gene pool? Let me tell ya, sport, it doesn't work that way. Those recessives don't stay hidden for long. Doesn't take but a small number of generations of clan marriage to produce moderate to severe problems like hemophilia and blindness.

      Ask the Parsis of India.

      Edit: I misquoted the original, should have been "the races of man came into existence only over a few hundred years." The criticism still applies, five or six generations of inbreeding is all it takes to reach a point of reproductive failure. See the Medici line for an example.

    61. TribecaMike

      "Some scholars believe that the striking similarity of these structures reflects man’s dispersion from one original center of culture." Or maybe, stoopid "some scholars," it was simply because for most of human history the only way to build a really tall structure that wouldn't collapse in on itself was to build it in a triangular or pyramidal shape?

      "We built this ziggurat!" — Nebuchadnezzar I
      "No, dumbass, my dynasty did!" — Samsu-iluna, son of Hammurabi
      "Well, er, I've got your 'laws' hanging right here, buster!" — Nebuchadnezzar I
      "Guards! Seize this usurper!" — Samsu-iluna, son of Hammurabi
      "What's this guy saying? Modern English won't be developed for thousands of years." — Burnaburiash Jones, palace guard (deceased)

    62. rcrantz

      I probably had this textbook at some point. I think we had Beka Book history books throughout my high school career, which was pretty awesome. My personal favorite bit was where they told me that Homer had invented the Greek religion. Even to my propaganda-addled mind that seemed a little suspicious! (I believe that text was called Old World History. Spoiler alert: the Old World mostly only consists of Europe!)

    63. TribecaMike

      "The spiritual darkness which had so long held Africa in its grip was beginning to be expelled." Leopold II of Belgium (1835 – 1909), who's private army murdered an estimated 10 million Africans and destroyed the lives and livelihoods of countless others, couldn't have said it better. But then he was a Roman Catholic, and so in the view of the authors was in league with the prince of the power of the air, and no I'm not talking about Charles Lindbergh.

      Or am I? Muuuaaahhh!

    64. BarackMyWorld

      Man, I wish I had this book before getting that history degree (my B.S. in b.s. if you will). What a waste of government school scholarship money!

    65. Steverino247

      OT: I occasionally have close contact with Marines who are nice guys, but unbelievably credulous fellows (living up to the unfortunate stereotypes about being able to tell a Marine anything and have him believe it). Just got what will likely be the first of many e-mails praising this silly 2016 movie and responded with the Media Matters facts. Anybody have anything more concise and easier to understand (these are Marines we're talking about here)? Thanks in advance…

        1. Steverino247

          Love that response. That's the problem with these fucking e-mails. I know that about a third of the guys getting these ARE black Marines. They rarely respond, which is too bad. I rarely hesitate to hit the magic "Reply to All" button when this shit arrives. It's mostly the retired white guys that send these out to the entire mailing lists, not thinking that the list wasn't put together for that reason and that not every one likes their favorite flavor of Kool Aid.

          1. TribecaMike

            Maybe it's because I live in the Northeast (though that can't be the entire explanation), or maybe it's because I don't suffer fools gladly, but most Marines, and vets in general, I know are pretty liberal. Many of them are also Black or Hispanic, or sometimes both. Maybe that's part of it. A couple of Vietnam-era Marines I know are still old skool yippie anarchists. My dad was a Marine in the Korean Conflict and he became a Willy Brandt-style social democrat.

            To keep sane, I always try to keep in mind Fiorello La Guardia's saying, "It takes all kinds of people to make a great city." Well, that and moderate amounts of alcohol. And avoiding idiots. You can't sell sense to a fool.

            And another thing (sorry): since when did Marines start going to see documentaries? I have to wonder if the e-mail writer(s) actually saw the flick or it's just stealth marketing by the producers and distributor.

            1. Steverino247

              Professionally? About 20 to 25.
              The group I'm referring to? About 35-65 with most at the lower age diminishing to 65. They usually retire about 40, then they can express themselves more freely. The strain is most obvious for the black Marines still on active duty. They want to speak out, but are restrained by training against being politically active. Occasionally, they will post something reminding the older guys that they can get in trouble receiving such e-mails on their work accounts. One or two will respond more sharply. That slows the knuckleheads down for a bit and then some BS e-mail chain thing about how Obama's going to take their toys away gets them going again. Sometimes, I'm reminded of the great Harvey Korman line in Blazing Saddles, "They're such children…" I don't have to work with the latter group, but I do respect how hard the younger group works for us so I like to help them out when I can for about 2/3 of what I can get elsewhere, despite the irritation of dealing with their retired peers on occasion. The younger Marines do understand things are changing for the better, but the older ones don't like change much.

      1. tessiee

        Tell them you've already been to 2016 in your time machine, and so you know for a fact that the movie's full of crap.

        1. Steverino247

          I would except they would probably believe me and start asking me questions I wouldn't want to answer.

      2. Blueb4sinrise

        Tell them that they need to read Foucault and Derrida before they can really understand the film.

        [I have no idea, but part of what I heard was that the movie an analysis of the Obama writings and the words used ]

        [disclaimer: I have never read more than a few pages of either F or D , at which point I usually went and had a beer instead]

    66. ahnc

      Excerpt from the Dick and Jane series: Run, Dick, run. Run as fast as you can from Crazed Christian Creationists.

    67. bitchincamaro2

      From the How Far We've Fallen Dept.:

      Googling "transmogrification" will immerse you in WoW references, not the scientifically correct "bread and wine into the flesh and blood of Jesus" definition.

      Googling "pagan babies" will similarly rot your eyeballs with images of hardcore punk rocksters from Philadelphia.

      40 years of Catholic school down the shitter.

      1. tessiee

        "Googling "pagan babies" will similarly rot your eyeballs with images of hardcore punk rocksters from Philadelphia."

        Oh! We used to take up collections in Sunday School to buy pagan babies from the Maryknoll Missionaries!
        Or it was something like that, anyway; we got to pick a Catholic name for them and everything. Ours was Joseph.

    68. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I would have done really well in these classes as I am very good at making up complete bullshit and making it sound plausible. This skill is what keeps me employed most days.

          1. Isyaignert

            Well, L. Ron Hubbard said the best way to get rich is to start a religion. What'll you call yours and will there be snacks?

    69. Attila_T_Hun

      "Less than three percent of Japan’s population claim to be Christians."
      This is why I find it so easy to live here.

    70. Katydid

      "Africans suspected any white men, including European explorers and missionaries, of being potential slave traders. This made the task of African exploration and evangelization even more difficult and challenging…"

      I don't think enough attention has been paid to Mitt the Missionary. I find missionsaries to be among the most repugnant people on earth.

      1. James Michael Curley

        We get Jehovah's Witnesses about once a month. Geography has a lot to do with it. When you live on the shore properties are small in size and people going door to door can hit up more people than in ordinary suburbia.

        Mormons had come by for the first time in a decade and I'm suspecting it may be more political than religious. What better way than for Romney to had a 'ground game' than for church elders to convince the young that going door to door for Romney will fulfill their evangelistic requirement.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          Geography also plays another role, along with demographics, in there JWs go. As a devout Jehovah's Witless once told me, they like to got to the nice neighborhoods and scope out the houses in case the owners don't join the team. Hey…free luxury home!

    71. GeorgiaBurning

      A search on "Japanese bondage" would certainly be good for an extra credit project, though finding the correct English (not French) maid uniform could be a problem

    72. poorgradstudent

      Yes, World History, but Christianity also owes to the Greeks or at least Plato the idea of a transcendent moral code, the concept of the material world being illusory, and even the idea that homosexuality is unnatural and "gross" (yes, Plato says all that in his last known writing, the "Laws", which personally leads me to believe that he went through one of the worst gay break-ups in history).

      Geesh, they can't even get the stuff that would help their case (hey, Plato agreed with us!) right.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        As we know from last week's installment, these guys won't even let you agree with them if your doctrine is even the least bit unsound.

        Frankly, I'm still hoping a large number of Fundie purists just won't be able to bring themselves to vote for a heretic like Romney.

      1. Steverino247

        Hey, I've been to Dewey's flagship and stood on the very spot where the order to commence the action was given. Very cool.

    73. Negropolis

      Is "Environmental Extremism", like, when the earth fights back after we have thrown it's systems completely out of whack? Or, is it just when ELF torches a Hummer dealership?

      BTW, this…

      In establishing this first foundational civil ordinance, God again taught man the sanctity of human life (pp. 4-5)

      …makes me ill. It is perfectly Orwellian. Yes, we had to burn the village to save the village. Yes, state murder is civilizing.

      Fuck the fuck off.

      The first and foremost benefit under British rule was the work of Protestant missionaries…who brought the pure gospel of Christ to India’s perishing millions

      Nice, subtle slap at Catholics, right? The "pure" Gospel, eh? As opposed to that Catholic devil-worship, right?

      1. GeorgiaBurning

        That could be the nicest thing the fundies ever said about the Episcopals. India is now slightly over 2% Christian, showing that British missionaries were about as effective as British auto parts.

    74. a_pink_poodle

      Colonialism was great stuff! The Congo was especially blessed by the Belgians who preached the word of Jesus and ministered to the villagers who had their hands cut off for not pulling themselves up by their bootstraps fast enough. Now they can't pull anything anymore.

    75. tessiee

      "Africans suspected any white men, including European explorers and missionaries, of being potential slave traders. This made the task of African exploration and evangelization even more difficult and challenging"

      Sure, because being suspected of slave trading must have been a real bummer when you *only* wanted to show up on a total stranger's property and say, "Hi, your religion is fake, evil, and stupid", which is fine.

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        These days it's much better. Fuckball US "charities" turn up and distribute food aid etc only to people who accept the word of Jebus.

          1. Fukui-sanYesOta

            Food-based Proselytizing.

            More sickening, really, considering these are people who supposedly believe in what Jebus said.

            Loaves and fishes for all! Unless you skip church.

      2. Negropolis

        Dr. Livingston, I presume?

        I realize it's a line of dubious veracity, but it fits the snark I want to get across, so you're just going to have to live with it. lol

      3. LibertyLover

        Considering that the Bible is full of passages that state that slavery is peachy keen with the man upstairs, why ever would the people of Africa think that you meant them ANY harm at all?
        /snark

      1. Biff

        No. Fucking. WAY!

        Thanks for the motivation to install Rosetta Stone on my new PC, might need a new language soon!

    76. DahBoner

      If you hate every word and deed of Jesus Christ and quite frankly, believe the exact opposite, you might be a Christianist….

    77. barto

      That gene thing sure is science-like, kinda reminds of when Deepockets Chopra invokes quantum mechanics to support one or another of his wacky theories.

    78. scionkirk

      Not a single word about those busy little Aztecs and Incans collecting and holding onto all that gold for the Catholic Church.

    79. vtxmcrider

      Leave it to a Christian text to leave out the most important religious influence in Japan today: while Shintoism and Buddhism are on the decline, Bukkake is rapidly gaining in popularity.

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