SCUMBAGS WITH BOWL-CUTS  9:36 am January 21, 2010

John Edwards Admits Paternity Of That Kid He Totally Fathered!

by Juli Weiner

Well! John Edwards, he of corrupt temperament and “Scott Brown good looks,” announced this morning apropos of nothing that he is the father of his baby, John Edwards’ Baby. This admission follows a two-year bad-faith charade in which Edwards denied impregnating inconsequential Jay McInerney character Rielle Hunter. Turns out there’s a trashy-sounding Edwards campaign tell-all coming out next month, and Edwards wanted to beat Jay McInerney to the punch!

In the last three years, has John Edwards said anything in public besides lies and apologies?

“It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter, and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me,” Mr. Edwards said in a statement released to The News & Observer in Raleigh, N.C., and to NBC’s “Today” show.

“I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves,” Mr. Edwards added. “I have been able to spend time with her during the past year and trust that future efforts to show her the love and affection she deserves can be done privately and in peace.”

HAHA oh right he said that thing about Dave Matthews Band playing “Crash Into Me” on a roof, which, sadly, technically counts as both.

[New York Times]

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WickedWitch January 21, 2010 at 9:45 am

Johnny Boy didn’t like all the attention Mr. Brown was getting — that’s why he fessed up.

Hope he’s saved up money for the therapy that kid will need.

And hey Wonkette — what’s up with the pea-green car ad? I’m hurling up my gruel right about now!

Snarko Marx January 21, 2010 at 9:46 am

The kid’s name, John Edward’s Baby, should have been a dead giveaway.

bfstevie January 21, 2010 at 9:46 am

By the time I can think of something snarky to put here someone else will have made the first comment. Damn my feeble, age-addled brain. Thanks to our brave troops. Also.

Shot at Wolf January 21, 2010 at 9:50 am

[re=498508]bfstevie[/re]: Dammit, I was going to say that!

Canmon (the Inadequate) January 21, 2010 at 9:51 am

In thirty years she will be running for Congress as the daughter of the son of a millworker.

bureaucrap January 21, 2010 at 9:52 am

Truly, his daughter shall be the next baby Jeebus, since Edwards denied three times (or more) knowing her.

Plus which, it turns out Elizabeth Edwards (like Hera/Juno), is a bitch.

Gopherit January 21, 2010 at 9:53 am

Rielle Hunter for a mom, and John Edwards for a dad? That poor kid is fucked for life. Even Trig has it better.

norbizness January 21, 2010 at 9:54 am

“Apparently, getting kicked repeatedly in the nuts by Overlord Cheney in the 2004 VP debates did not hamper his child-fathering abilities.”

Mr Blifil January 21, 2010 at 9:55 am

Let’s make him the Contraception Czar!

JMP January 21, 2010 at 9:57 am

Someone must have finally told him that nobody believed his denials and he might as well admit the obvious truth.

I had forgotten the Dave Matthews Band comment; so not only is Edwards a mistress-impregnating cheater, he also has horrible, horrible fratboy douchebag taste. Maybe he also wants John Mayer to perform at his rehearsal dinner, along with stand-up from Dane Cook.

ManchuCandidate January 21, 2010 at 9:58 am

She was more like a crazy queen at a UFO scene
I said don’t mind, but what do you mean I am the one
Who will give it to her in the round
She said I am the one, who give it to her in the round

She told me her name was Lisa Druck (real name of Rielle), as she caused a scene
Then everyone turned with eyes that were glad they weren’t me
Who will take it from me in the round

People always told me be careful of what you do
And don’t go around breaking crazee’s hearts
And mother always told me be careful of who you love
And be careful of what you do ’cause the “truth” becomes the truth

Lisa Druck is my videographer
She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one
As the kid is from my seed
She says I am the one, asthe kid is from my seed

Gopherit January 21, 2010 at 10:00 am

[re=498504]WickedWitch[/re]: I just assumed between the background and my hangover that it was St Patty’s day.

WadISay January 21, 2010 at 10:05 am

[re=498518]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I can’t believe that you rhymed “Lisa Druck” with “scene”.

Flanders January 21, 2010 at 10:08 am

OK, the green is making me a little dizzy this morning. Stupid douche-bag says what??

ManchuCandidate January 21, 2010 at 10:08 am

I think I fucked up. You’re right.

How about: “she was ready to fuck.”?

Holy Cow!! January 21, 2010 at 10:11 am

It’s no wonder America is circling the drain. Look at the morons we had to choose from in the last election. It’s as if the dumber they are, the better their chance of winning a election.

Mojopo January 21, 2010 at 10:16 am

Did he also confess that he’s waiting for his wife to die? If he’s going to be a jerk, might as well be a complete jerk.

forgracie January 21, 2010 at 10:17 am

As the son of a son of a lowly mill worker,
I was born a bastard,
Mommy was workin’ on some big commercial
While Daddy sought money backers….

As the heir of the coif and a Enquirer kid
I chalked up many a buck
With reality stars in SoCal bars
I learned to accept my luck.

TGY January 21, 2010 at 10:20 am

John who?

Texan Bulldoggette January 21, 2010 at 10:21 am

[re=498512]bureaucrap[/re]: “Plus which, it turns out Elizabeth Edwards (like Hera/Juno), is a bitch.”

When’s the last time your spouse/SO had an affair & fathered/got pregnant with their kid? Sorry but if I had to put up with John Edwards, I’d be a bitch too.

hoosiermama January 21, 2010 at 10:28 am

I demand to know when John Edwards will post nude for Cosmo!

King of Pants January 21, 2010 at 10:30 am

Meanwhile, fellow failed Democratic vice-presidential candidate Joe Lieberman stuck two fingers up his asshole before shaking President Obama’s hand.

Prommie January 21, 2010 at 10:38 am

Ah, look at you bunch of moralizing hypocrites. Remember what Jesus said, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” I mean, lets be honest here, who among us hasn’t sired a bastard child while committing adultery on a cancerous wife, with a crazy crystal-fondling McInerny character, and then asked an aide to take the fall so as to protect your political career? Or failing that, who here, while serving as an aide to a powerful politician, has never, not even once, agreed to marry the boss’s mistress and claim paternity of his adulterous bastard child, but then reneged on the agreement once the boss’s chances at becoming president evaporated? Just as I thought, not one of us is innocent.

proudgrampa January 21, 2010 at 10:39 am

Pathetic. Childish. Nincompoop.

Reminds me of my 4-year old granddaughter when she denies that she’s stolen a toy from her little brother.

Terry January 21, 2010 at 10:40 am

[re=498511]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]:

No, she’ll be the subject of an online sex tape, more likely.

AnnieGetYourFun January 21, 2010 at 10:42 am

Gawd, this poor kid. I hope she’s able to overcome her genetics, because nobody deserves the kind of bullshit that Edwards has put everyone through.

the problem child January 21, 2010 at 10:43 am

[re=498541]hoosiermama[/re]: No need; I’m sure the Enquirer already has some.

Flanders January 21, 2010 at 10:44 am

[re=498552]Prommie[/re]: Prommie, I always look forward to what you have to say, but honestly, the Frank Zappa from the burqa-thread still has me troubled. The green haze must have me off-balance today.

Gopherit January 21, 2010 at 10:44 am

[re=498552]Prommie[/re]: Wait, are you talking about Newt Gingrich? Or does he shoot blanks?

SayItWithWookies January 21, 2010 at 10:51 am

John, your revelation about your paternity is like a Canadian joke or a Canadian highway — it goes in a straight line towards a distant point on the horizon that we can all see coming, and by the time we actually arrive there we don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. You’re going to have to do better in your pathetic struggle to stay noticed. A shiny Mylar balloon in your backyard might be a good start. One that’s big enough to carry a stupid lying lawyer with big hair.

Suds McKenzie January 21, 2010 at 10:56 am

That kid needs a hair cut.

Sarrah January 21, 2010 at 10:58 am

the news is apropos of a book coming out by an Edwards aide… I think he’s just trying to tell the truth “voluntarily” before it hits him in the ass.

finallyhappy January 21, 2010 at 10:59 am

[re=498512]bureaucrap[/re]: Really- well, I guess that justifies what a piece of shit edwards is- hmmm?

Buzz Feedback January 21, 2010 at 11:00 am

no glove no love

bfstevie January 21, 2010 at 11:02 am

[re=498530]forgracie[/re]: That was great. Can you do a haiku?

bfstevie January 21, 2010 at 11:03 am

[re=498552]Prommie[/re]: I don’t remember you being in the crowd when Jesus said that to us. Maybe you remember me. I was the fat, angry guy.

CthuNHu January 21, 2010 at 11:10 am

Also, the sun confessed to rising in the east, Lindsay Graham admitted to feeling all tingly about working with Scott Brown, Martha Coakley admitted to sucking, and George W. Bush admitted that he dodged Vietnam and should never have been President.

Eh, that last one’ll never happen.

Manos: Hands of Fate January 21, 2010 at 11:16 am

Do these guys know how babies are actually made and there are in fact ways to prevent it from happening.

superdave January 21, 2010 at 11:18 am

I think I speak for all of America when I say, “Who the FUCK cares?”

Prommie January 21, 2010 at 11:19 am

[re=498562]Gopherit[/re]: Oh, OK, I should have edited the FZ song.

InKnockYouUs January 21, 2010 at 11:19 am

Okay, the page won’t load with that hideous green stuff in the background. And when I block it I cannot get any more of Wonkette’s lovely pictures of politician’s daughter’s boobs. So what I have here is a problem.

jennx January 21, 2010 at 11:23 am

[re=498518]ManchuCandidate[/re]: YAAAAY!!!!!

jennx January 21, 2010 at 11:28 am

[re=498552]Prommie[/re]: Ok, this has been the best thread ever. And, yes, having done both of those things I am now duly chastened. Thank-you, Jesus.

S.Luggo January 21, 2010 at 11:34 am

But will Edwards admit that it was adultery?

bureaucrap January 21, 2010 at 11:48 am

[re=498532]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I agree, bulldoggette, and I’d be a bitch too, you betcha, but supposedly “Game Change”, the bestselling book that no-one is reading, says that Mrs. Edwards was a bitch well before the Rielle-velations of John’s infidelity.

bureaucrap January 21, 2010 at 11:51 am

[re=498578]finallyhappy[/re]: No, I didn’t mean that. Never mind. I was just trying to make an Edwards/God/Zeus/Jesus joke, and it misfired. When you work in quantity, not every one’s a winner.

forgracie January 21, 2010 at 11:52 am


Blessed child of love
From Millworkers’ ancient seed
Daddy will pay now….

What Fresh Hell is This? January 21, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Her mom has to be bat-shit, Coulter/Bachmann crazy. Rielle’s dad killed little Lisa’s horse for the insurance money. No amount a textile-working paternity genes can overcome baggage like that.

Autoo January 21, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Everybody should check out today’s sponsor; not only to support our Wonkette overloards, but because clicking article on that site also opens separate windows with ads for stuff like “Anal-Eze” (just what you think it is).

Accordion-o-rama January 21, 2010 at 12:38 pm

He chose life!

gurukalehuru January 21, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Liz is a bitch and John is a cheater
John is a cheater and Liz is a bitch
cause and effect are mutually reinforcing
sometimes it’s hard to know which is which

Although Liz certainly should get the extra sympathy points, on account of dying and all, which must be pretty unpleasant, and I’m not terribly sorry to see Edwards’ political career go down in flames. So, with the caveat that I think marital fidelity is over-rated, I’m voting for Mrs. Edwards in this round.

Long Form Def Certificate January 21, 2010 at 12:45 pm

I’m glad John Edwards finally recovered his ability to understand & speak English.

Extemporanus January 21, 2010 at 1:28 pm


sezme January 21, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Was Sarah Palin the mother? A clue will be if babby is named after a sugar-coated cereal or something.

Diana Davies January 21, 2010 at 2:09 pm

I know how Mrs. Edwards feels because my husband is a total dick also.

Cranky Little Camperette January 21, 2010 at 2:09 pm

When I saw this pop up as CNN’s “Breaking News” I thought “Breaking to who? There was someone who DIDN’T know?”

Flanders January 21, 2010 at 2:22 pm

[re=498788]Diana Davies[/re]: Then don’t read Prommie’s tribute to Frank Zappa on the burqa-thread. Gah! It captures my ex so perfectly! I am drinking and douching vinegar to get the visuals out of my mind. Damn you, Prommie!

RoscoePColtraine January 21, 2010 at 2:24 pm

[re=498788]Diana Davies[/re]: Does he take you out to Wendy’s for your anniversary, too?

dedalus January 21, 2010 at 3:41 pm

About My Darling Wife
By John Edwards

I know there are few who doubt her
And most of you think I’m a pouter
But for those who don’t know
Why her death comes so slow:
Cancer’s the most benign thing about her.

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