GROSS PEOPLE FROM THE PAST  11:05 am August 14, 2009

Scumbag Has-Been John Edwards Maybe About To Admit To Fathering That Poor Baby

by Ken Layne

Well we guess he is not a fag after all, Ann.From his teevee-anchor dyed & blow-dried hair to his repulsive stucco fortress on a million acres of North Carolina scraped dirt, everything about the ambulance-chasing personal injury attorney has always cried FRAUD, but the most disgusting part about Edwards was his phony public displays of fucky love for his poor (yet fantastically rich) old wife, who always has cancer.

And now, local sources tell us, the stupid yearlong melodrama around Edwards’ hippie girlfriend and bastard love-child and jackass lackey pretending to be the baby’s father and some now-dead gazillionaire paying off the lady (because John-John just couldn’t afford it!) has finally almost ended, and the shit-bird will supposedly ‘fess up today, on the teevee. [WRAL]

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thefrontpage August 14, 2009 at 11:08 am

Edwards is also announcing that he is also the real father of all three of Michael Jackson’s kids, and two of Sarah Palin’s kids.

AnnieGetYourFun August 14, 2009 at 11:08 am

Oh, John Edwards. Why confess to these things months, nay, YEARS after everyone quit fucking caring about a damn thing you did? Do you think it makes you relevant? Do you think that the kid is going to like you more? It won’t. It will read Wonkette, and hate you.

Vewol Mevemont August 14, 2009 at 11:11 am

That child is the grandson of a mill worker.

Mapmonger August 14, 2009 at 11:11 am

[re=386293]thefrontpage[/re]: He wanted to be in the running for “Father of his Country.”

Don Juanquete August 14, 2009 at 11:13 am

Lordy, lordy John John. Indeed, you can face the Coulter-geist like a man now.

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 14, 2009 at 11:14 am

If we had elected John Kerry in 2004, all of this could have been happening to the Vice President. And that would have been awesome.

widestanceromancer August 14, 2009 at 11:15 am

Will he now be knighted a Filthy Cock Jackal of the Round Table?

norbizness August 14, 2009 at 11:16 am

He’s no Rick Pitino.

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 14, 2009 at 11:16 am

@Don Juanquete: John Edwards fathered Ann Coulter’s baby? Wow!!

Chickensmack August 14, 2009 at 11:16 am

child support must be cheaper than out-of-court settlement. That’s why he’s doing this.

Now I want to see Mark Sanford tap Rielle Hunter. After all, she’s a videographer, and apparently she’s easy… let’s see how “in love” he is with the Argentine.

trickyrick August 14, 2009 at 11:17 am

[re=386294]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: ahhhh, the regret of 18 years of child support payments. It must be the Friday news dump!

Nyarlathotep August 14, 2009 at 11:18 am

I for one am glad to see Edwards get this behind him. Especially since his schedule will be free’d-up so that he can chase Kenneth Gladney’s ambulance full-time! That’s the kind of thing these lawyers, locusts that they are, do with their time when they aren’t forging birth certificates.

I expect Kenneth, since he seems to be such a good conservative, will make Tort Reform and capping damages for personal injury lawsuits a central plank of his “Project Liberty” platform when he kicks off his national tour.

dedalus August 14, 2009 at 11:20 am

Bastard Son of a Son of a Bitch!

dedalus August 14, 2009 at 11:22 am

Time for Elizabeth to write another book.

freakishlystrong August 14, 2009 at 11:23 am

They should bill his confession as a town hall so Republicans can go and shout at him, at least we’d be on board for that one.

Failed 2 Menace August 14, 2009 at 11:25 am

When the fruit of Edwards’ loins wins the 2044 election, future birthers are going to have a birth certificate field day.

[re=386307]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: If he had run a decent campaign, all of this could be happening to the freaking President! Fox News would bring in Monica Lewinsky as an analyst, and all of America would gleefully immerse itself in the finest of all breads and circuses as it reveled in the details of unprecedented porking-related chaos.

ChernobylSoup v2 August 14, 2009 at 11:27 am

Damn you cancer. Why can’t you be rational and fair and move from Elizabeth’s body to John’s (and Rielle’s — for sport)?

ummm August 14, 2009 at 11:29 am

Exciting to think about what would have happened if he had won the Iowa caucus? Can you say Vice-President Sarah Palin?

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 14, 2009 at 11:29 am

@Failed 2 Menace: You’re right. I think too small.

Mustang August 14, 2009 at 11:30 am

I had brain removed and then I beat with a splintery stick because I actually supported this guy.

Ken Layne August 14, 2009 at 11:30 am

[re=386294]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Oh jeez, I never thought about that …. poor kid.

bureaucrap August 14, 2009 at 11:31 am

According to the business section of NYT, he’s also releasing a book today about his long-term affair with Bernie Madoff.

Chickensmack August 14, 2009 at 11:32 am

[re=386334]Failed 2 Menace[/re]: By then, there really will be Two Americas.

dedalus August 14, 2009 at 11:37 am

Fun with transcripts:

WOODRUFF: I need to ask about probably the most controversial allegation. Which is that a report has been published that the baby of Ms. Hunter is your baby. True?
EDWARDS: Not true. Published in a supermarket tabloid. That is absolutely not true.
WOODRUFF: Have you taken a paternity test?
EDWARDS: I have not, I would welcome participating in a paternity test. Be happy to participate in one. I know that it’s not possible that this child could be mine because of the timing of events, so I know it’s not possible. Happy to take a paternity test, and would love to see it happen.

WOODRUFF: But are you saying you don’t remember holding that child of Miss Hunter?
EDWARDS: I’m saying you asked me about this photograph, I don’t know anything about that photograph, I don’t know who that baby is. I don’t know if the picture has been altered, manufactured, if it’s a picture of me taken some other time, holding another baby — I have no idea. I was not at this meeting holding a child for my photograph to be taken I can tell you that.
WOODRUFF: You did say you did meet her at a hotel in California.
EDWARDS: She was there, Mr. McGovern was present, and that’s where the meeting took place.
WOODRUFF: But you don’t remember a baby being there?
WOODRUFF: And in terms of this baby — does Elizabeth think this is possibly your baby?
EDWARDS: No, of course not.
WOODRUFF: Is it only possible to prove it though with a DNA test?
EDWARDS: I’m not a scientist — I don’t know what the various methods of proving it are but that’s certainly one way to prove it. I mean I know right now it’s not possible and she does too.
WOODRUFF: When you do do that test or if you do that test, would you tell us the result of it?
EDWARDS: Sure, of course.

Failed 2 Menace August 14, 2009 at 11:41 am

Please, God, just one freaking reporter with the stones to ask a relevant question.

“Mr. Ex-Senator, given your aspirations to the highest office in the land, did you at any point think it might be advisable to, y’know, wear a condom? Or, heaven forbid, go see your friendly neighborhood urologist for a 30-minute procedure to shut down your wing of the baby factory?”

masterdebater August 14, 2009 at 11:50 am

Let’s not get all prudish at this point in our country’s history. I think even one of our dear founders did the same thing. At least she wasn’t a negro…that would have been too much!

Mapmonger August 14, 2009 at 11:52 am

[re=386310]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: @Don Juanquete: “@Don Juanquete: John Edwards fathered Ann Coulter’s baby? HOW?”

/fixed, b/c shemaleitude

Min August 14, 2009 at 11:53 am

It’s just as well that his campaign imploded. Would we really want a president who was too damn stupid to use a condom?

randomsausage August 14, 2009 at 11:57 am

do we think Edwards is a missionary kinda guy, or does he prefer delivering his man-milk via deep strokes from behind?

bologna_wallet August 14, 2009 at 12:13 pm

I wonder who the father of Trig Palin is?

germansteel August 14, 2009 at 12:14 pm

I’m trying hard not to think about how Sarah Palin is going to reference Trig when she tweets about this.

magic titty August 14, 2009 at 12:15 pm

He wouldn’t put a condom on with goddamn lunatic Rielle Hunter?
Christ Almighty.

Don Juanquete August 14, 2009 at 12:16 pm

[re=386380]Mapmonger[/re]: [re=386310]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Ann likes to call him a faggot. See alt text.
But if anything, she so wanted to father his baby and now she can’t.

onemoresexylibrarian August 14, 2009 at 12:20 pm

Can we not refer to her by her proper name: Lisa Jo Druck?

It’s so much more appropriate.

qaf August 14, 2009 at 12:26 pm

No wonder Ann Coulter is still single, if her gaydar is that wretched.

dennymcden August 14, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Haha. Love the alt text. However, even though he’s fathered bebbes, doesn’t stop him from being a bitchy queen. Coulter’s a bitchy queen with man hands.

randomsausage August 14, 2009 at 12:31 pm

I demand to see Ann coulter’s birth certificate. Let’s prove once and for all she’s a lovely lady-person.

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 14, 2009 at 12:35 pm

@Don Juanquete: But my potential email chain rumor is much more interesting than your facts! *pouts*

imissopus August 14, 2009 at 12:45 pm

I’ll say it again people: abstinence education doesn’t work!

One Yield Regular August 14, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Finally, the two Americas – the one in which John Edwards IS the father of this baby and the one in which he IS NOT the father of this baby – will be whole again.

AbstinenceOnly Ed August 14, 2009 at 12:55 pm

Edwards should consult with TV psychic John Edward to commune with the ghost of his political career.

AbstinenceOnly Ed August 14, 2009 at 12:55 pm

[re=386475]imissopus[/re]: but AbstinenceOnly Ed works like a dawg….

JooJoo Bee August 14, 2009 at 1:04 pm

[re=386302]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: How does it feel to be singled out for being the cleverest snark in the herd? I will never, ever know. God, I’m so depressed. But at least I don’t have cancer. Or John Edwards.

hobospacejunkie August 14, 2009 at 1:06 pm

Lisa Jo Druck. That name just screams “stay away from me, I’m fertile and I’m ovulating.” Rielle Hunter? Not so much.

Dave J. August 14, 2009 at 1:33 pm

[re=386509]hobospacejunkie[/re]: “Rielle Hunter” screams out “I had sex with two guys from Phish. I don’t remember which two.”

What is it with prominent Democrats from the south who just jizz all over the place and destroy their careers? Clinton on the dress, Edwards on this chick, etc. Condoms work, guys.

DangerousLiberal August 14, 2009 at 1:39 pm

Don’t believe everything you see on WRAL. This is the station that Jesse Helms did commentary for, which ultimately led him to the Senate. Indeed, I think that Jesse is speaking to us from beyond the grave here.

simetrias August 14, 2009 at 1:48 pm

[re=386293]thefrontpage[/re]: FTW

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 14, 2009 at 2:25 pm

The real shame is that if he had simply had his parents pay off his mistress and her family, all would be well.

Better American Than You August 14, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Rielle’s father killed horses, including electrocuting her show horse, Henry the Hawk.
Michael Vick electrocuted dogs.

Sometimes the planets align, in a sick sort of way.

LoweredPeninsula August 17, 2009 at 3:53 am

[re=386310]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Pshaw!

Silly Naked Bunny with a Whip, it’s common knowledge that it was Satan/Lucifer that fathered Ann Coulters hellish spawn (which, will arise at the in all of its hideousness as the scheduled time and place), not Edwards.

smellyal8r August 18, 2009 at 7:48 pm

I knew Johnny Edwards was a sleazebag a lonnng time ago, just like I knew something wasn’t quite right about Mark Sanford. Those boyz from the Carolinas can’t keep it in their pants. And for a lawyer, Edwards is a lousy liar.

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