Vice President Butthair Sending Wife To Greenland, How Cool And Normal
Yeah, they're still on about that.
Fresh from being named the most unpopular vice president of all time and getting lustily booed by senior citizens at the Kennedy Center, pile o’ butthair JD Vance is ramping up tough talk about taking over Greenland. Anything not to talk about the suffering economy, threats to shut down Social Security and the Department of Education, DOGE rifling through everybody’s private information, children with cancer getting deported, etc.
Trump’s dictator-on-day-one style comes with a heavy serving of saying a bunch of crazy shit, like Ralph-Wiggum-ing about making Canada a state or invading Panama, while Republicans either full-throatedly endorse his latest idea as brilliant, or claim to have never heard of it. And Trump then either drops the idea forever, like a leaf raked from a California forest, or he moans about it some more. But he might take action! Not being able to know exactly what he might do or say on any given day is how he keeps the world in anxious suspense.
And Trump’s been blathering about wanting to own Greenland since his first term. Before he was even inaugurated a second time he sent Junior and Charlie Kirk there to bribe a bunch of random people with a free lunch to listen to their MAGA song-and-dance, and would not even rule out military intervention. Presumably, Vladimir Putin told Trump during one of their late-night chats that now that Trump was his pet oligarch of the Western Hemisphere, it was time to start thinking like a real expansionist.
And Trump argleblarged to Congress earlier this month, “We need Greenland for national security and even international security, and we’re working with everybody involved to try and get it. But we need it really for international, for world security, and I think we’re going to get it. One way or the other, we’re going to get it. It’s a very small population, but a very, very large piece of land. And very, very important for military security.”
On Sunday, Vance, looking even greasier and more eyelined than usual, went on Fox News to repeat the sentiment that if Trump wants to pussgrab Greenland, that’s his right, and our alleged ally Denmark deserves it, for some reason.
VANCE: Denmark, which controls Greenland, it’s not doing its job, and isn't being a good ally […] if that means we need to take more territorial interest in Greenland that is what president Trump is going to do. Because he doesn't care about what the Europeans scream at us.
Denmark’s not doing its job of what, exactly? Greenland lies at the point between Greenland, Iceland and Britain that protects the North Atlantic from Russian ships and submarines, and also transatlantic cables that carry the internet across the ocean. Russians have been trying to tear up those cables by dragging anchors across the sea floor, and would sure like it if America and Europe would let them do it. It also has a lot of rare minerals, though they are difficult to mine. But nothing is stopping US companies right now from making deals to mine them. There’s also a Cold War military base of tunnels under there, which QAnon probably thinks are full of children being turned into adrenochrome, or something.
The US has had an air base and deepwater seaport there since 1951, the Pituffik Space Base, which monitors missile threats and objects in orbit. And Denmark is even open to expanding the US military presence there, in spite of all the stupidly aggressive talk. So what is the job that Trance and Vump think a “good ally” ought to be doing that they aren’t?
Interestingly, owning Greenland was also the fantasy of a group calling themselves The Technocrats in the 1930s. They wanted to merge the US, Canada, Mexico and Greenland into a single unit called “The Technate,” that would be governed by a panel of unelected scientific experts, with all the human labor done by machines. Never mind that two of these are their own countries, and Greenland is a self-governing Danish territory. The Technate died out because it was stupid, but apparently Elon Musk still fantasizes about it.
And now this week number-two lady Usha Vance is headed over there with one of her sons and national security adviser Mike Waltz, to watch some dogsled races and imply “nice country you got here, would be a shame if the US took it over.”
Greenland is not pleased. Vented prime minister Mute B. Egede to the newspaper Sermitsiaq:
We are now at a level where it can in no way be characterized as a harmless visit from a politician's wife, which is a prospect. Because what is the security advisor [Mike Waltz] doing in Greenland? The only purpose is to show a demonstration of power to us, and the signal is not to be misunderstood. He is Trump's confidential and closest advisor, and his presence in Greenland alone will certainly make the Americans believe in Trump's mission, and the pressure will increase after the visit.
He added, “we need our other allies to clearly and distinctly come with their support and backing for us.”
Again, pressure for exactly what is unclear. For Greenlanders to vote to unshackle themselves from Denmark and all that nice universal healthcare, housing subsidies and excellent educational system they’ve got and declare Donald Trump their new king, just because? (The idea is not popular.) To let the US in as an occupying force to rule over the population of 57,000? Prior to all of this shit-talk, the US could have had just about whatever it wanted from Greenland just for asking nicely, and maybe even still could. So, what else does Trump want?
Denmark is also part of NATO, so if “no new wars” Trump sent in troops to take it over, NATO would be forced to respond. Does he really want full-on war with NATO, and countries that were our strongest allies three short months ago? Maybe Trump doesn’t even know exactly what he wants there, and this whole idea has just been dangled in front of him repeatedly by the fringe cuckoos in his orbit, like a cat toy. How far he’ll actually take the idea is for him to know, and the rest of the world to find out.
Greenland should deny them entry.
Awful lot of money being spent to send people for stupid photo ops...