Trump Reportedly Only Bought A Tesla To Keep Elon From Sobbing His Whole Face Off
It would be sad if they were not terrible nightmare people!
People (not us!) love to talk about how Elon Musk is just the most brilliant businessman to ever walk the earth. But you know what’s maybe not the most brilliant business decision in the world? Making everyone to the left of Genghis Khan hate your guts when your primary business is electric cars, which pretty much everyone to the right of Genghis Khan hates with a thousand suns and considers a personal attack on masculinity for some reason. (They have issues.)
As a result, Tesla’s stock has pretty much been in freefall for the last couple months, costing Musk billions of dollars. In the past month, it’s dropped from $355 a share to $248. Reportedly, he is not taking it very well and has had more than a few meltdowns — though not to the point where he is remotely considering not destroying the entire federal government.
Here he is, reportedly close to tears (I don’t see it, but that’s what the experts are saying, so let’s go with it), talking about how he’s just trying to make the world a better place by killing federal programs that provide aid to starving children across the world.
At first, it seemed Trump thought he could stem the tide by simply “truthing” on Truth Social that boycotting Musk’s companies was “illegal.”
“To Republicans, Conservatives, and all great Americans, Elon Musk is ‘putting it on the line’ in order to help our Nation, and he is doing a FANTASTIC JOB!” Trump wrote on Tuesday. “But the Radical Left Lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott Tesla, one of the World’s great automakers, and Elon’s ‘baby,’ in order to attack and do harm to Elon, and everything he stands for. They tried to do it to me at the 2024 Presidential Ballot Box, but how did that work out? In any event, I’m going to buy a brand new Tesla tomorrow morning as a show of confidence and support for Elon Musk, a truly great American. Why should he be punished for putting his tremendous skills to work in order to help MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN???”
It is not, for the record, remotely illegal to boycott Tesla, because no one is legally obligated to buy any car against their will. Or anything else, other than car insurance if they own a car — but even then, they have their choice of companies to support.
Trump did keep to his word, though, and bought a brand new bright red Tesla this week, in hopes that his acolytes would follow in his footsteps and buy one as well.
But, you know, they probably will not do that.
According to the hacker group Anonymous, the reason Trump bought the car was because Musk actually did break down in tears over his stock prices falling, writing “So it turns out Musk was audibly sobbing at the Oval Office which may have triggered the bizarre Tesla Whitehouse promo.”
Aw, the poor baby! But I suppose that’s just what happens when you run an electric car company and decide to throw your lot in with people who actively hate electric cars, while simultaneously alienating pretty much the entire target market for that product. You would think that great lovers of capitalism and the free market would understand that, but that does not seem to be the case.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
"no one is legally obligated to buy any car against their will."
No one can be porsched into it.
"Reportedly, he is not taking it very well and has had more than a few meltdowns"
"Aw, gee--we feel your pain!"
- Veterans, federal employees, Social Security & Medicaid recipients &etc
/FFS