Trump Doctor Says Trump Is Sexiest Man Alive, Must Be His Diet Of McDonald's And Bile
The president is a healthy specimen, said our wife, Morgan Fairchild.
There is good news for anyone who fears a JD Vance presidency and bad news for JD Vance, and also good news for the MAGA faithful and bad news for the rest of humanity: Donald Trump had his annual physical last week, and he is the healthiest organism to walk the earth since those first amoebas slithered out of the primordial soup onto dry land. Even though he’s old as fuck.
Given President Quarter Pounder’s history of transparency and honesty about his health, you can take this to the bank. Though you may not want to, considering he’s driving the economy straight into the ground while the mulletheads of DOGE are attacking the FDIC and everyone is recounting stories about their grandparents who grew up in the Great Depression and spent the rest of their lives hiding all their money in empty tins of hair pomade. And also because it’s Trump, and the next time he or anyone around him tells the truth about anything will be the first time.
Yep, the specimen of physical fitness that is Donald Trump will easily be able to serve a third term, once his people finish snipping the 22nd Amendment out of every existing copy of the Constitution.
Let us read the memorandum the White House released over the weekend, written by the president’s doctor, so that we may laugh and laugh and sigh and laugh some more.
Remember how in his first term, Trump’s doctor reported that he was still 6’3” and weighed 239 pounds, which coincidentally was one pound away from the weight that would have made him officially obese? Here we are seven years later, and Trump is the same height, assuming he was not measured while wearing shoes with huge lifts in them. Imagine, the dude is almost 79 and has somehow managed to not shrink. Must be all that milk he drinks.
Also, he now weighs a svelte 224 pounds. Yes, 6’3” 224 pounds. Much like Chris Hemsworth. They’re pretty much the same guy, honestly.
Let’s scroll through the rest of this bullshit that we believe not one letter of, because we have eyes, and our eyes have unfortunately spent more time beholding Donald Trump than is even remotely healthy for a solid decade.
Examination of the head, ears, nose, and throat revealed no significant abnormalities with the exception of scaring (sic) on the right ear from a gunshot wound.
You are all welcome to peruse the White House photo gallery and zoom in on clear shots of Trump’s right ear and tell us how much scarring you see there. We’ve got more scarring where we’ve had moles removed much further in the past than last July.
We also learned Trump has a benign polyp on his colon, which seems like a very mean way to refer to Lindsey Graham, though not nearly mean enough.
A comprehensive neurological examination revealed no abnormalities in his mental status, cranial nerves, motor and sensory function, reflexes, gait, and balance. Cognitive function, assessed using the Montreal Cognitive Assessment (MoCA), was normal with a score of 30 out of 30.
Oh great, freshly reloading Trump’s tendency to brag about how he aced a cognitive test. We can’t wait to find out what five words are going to replace “Person, woman, man, camera, TV” in his constant bleating about his fantastic mental state. Dog, orange, diaper, car, Marxist Democrat thug! Horse, baseball, chair, plant, Melania!
We’re not going to even bother saying anything more about Trump’s cognitive function. Anyone can go watch one of his press availabilities, listen to the miasma of verbal diarrhea that he spews forth, and make a judgment. We’ll only say that the man’s brain is pickled.
One thing we didn’t know is that Trump has “well-controlled rosacea,” which perhaps explains the vain blowhard’s tendency to slather bronzer on his face like a road crew spreading tar on a highway.
Then we come to our favorite part of this medical report, the summation. Any chance someone in the White House edited this a bit? Or does Trump’s doctor simply know how to stroke it like a pro?
His active lifestyle continues to contribute significantly to his well-being. President Trump’s days include participation in multiple meetings, public appearances, press availability, and frequent victories in golf events.
Trump is forever bragging about all the member tournaments he keeps winning at his private clubs. Yr Wonkette has it on good authority — and this will surprise all of you not even a tiny, tiny bit — that members of his Doral golf club who participate in these tournaments and get close to the final rounds are told that “Trump always wins,” with the clear implication that they should find multiple moments to shank a tee shot into the woods or use a one-wood for an approach shot when they are 50 yards out from the flag.
And sure, even the best golfers in the world hit a bad shot here and there, but this one that Trump shanked while trying to chip onto the green is particularly egregious:
We’re not experts, but we don’t think your hips are supposed to fly open like that when you are swinging. He hit that rough so cleanly we can only assume he was aiming for it.
We do not know anything about the White House doctor who conducted this exam, a Navy captain named Sean Barbabella. But we do remember the last doctor Trump had in the White House. His name was Ronny Jackson, and oh boy, was he fun. Y’all remember him? Let’s take a quick trip down Ronny Jackson Memory Lane.
Jackson was reportedly a lecherous sex pest who drank heavily on official trips and ran the White House pharmacy like an open-air drug emporium, dispensing controlled substances with all the control of a mascot at a baseball game firing a t-shirt cannon into the crowd. He was nominated to be the Secretary of Veteran Affairs, but had to withdraw because of the allegations his former underlings made about his behavior in the White House in an Inspector General report.
Then after Jackson left the White House and retired from the Navy, he ran and won a seat in the House of Representatives, from which he has been a loud, unapologetic MAGA conspiracy nut. Among his greatest hits? Accusing Democrats of inventing the Omicron variant of covid specifically to cheat in the 2022 midterms by forcing the use of more mail-in ballots, which in the wingnut mind helps Dems commit fraud in every election.
Other than all of that, he was a swell guy who definitely did not blow up any credibility he might have earned as a doctor with a long career in the military.
So, good luck to Captain Barbabella as he joins the ranks of such Trump-supporting medical luminaries as Jackson and Harold Bornstein. And sorry to JD Vance, whose best shot at getting into the Oval Office continues to be Trump accidentally inviting him to meetings.
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Trump is good at winning at golf.
It is documented that he is not good at playing golf.
These are far from the same thing.
His resting heart rate is 62 and his blood pressure is 128/74.
For a guy who rides a cart everywhere that's a bit sus.