In Shocking Move ... Nah, Nobody's Shocked Trump Paused His F*cking Tariffs

Every manufacturer in world: 'Whew, good thing we didn't decide to go build a factory in the US.'

Even Surprised Cat is unsurprised. Photo by Andrew Umansky on Unsplash

In a move that was probably only a surprise to himself, Donald Trump this afternoon declared victory in his worldwide trade war, announcing a 90-day pause on his gigantic tariffs against nearly everyone from our Canadian pals to those goddamn cheapskate penguins. Well, except for China, with tariffs of “all of them,” and Mexico and Canada. Nobody can figure out what’s happening with Mexico and Canada.

At least the tariffs will be “paused” for some 75 countries that the administration claims are burning up the White House switchboard with calls and telegrams and carrier-penguin messages saying they want to make a favorable trade deal with the USA.

No, there’s no evidence that’s really happening. Mostly it looks like Trump finally noticed that the economy is headed straight for the shitter, no matter how many social media messages he posted this morning saying things like “THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO BUY” — which people are hysterically claiming was some sort of insider trading tip, when really it was only Marjorie Taylor Greene who bought a whole bunch of Apple all of a sudden, and whatever “$QQQ calls” means — or “BE COOL! Everything is going to work out well. The USA will be bigger and better than ever before!” or even “TARIFFS HAVE WHAT PLANTS CRAVE!!!”

But now everything has suddenly gotten better, and everyone can thank King Donald The Merciful for staying his hand for now.

Except for China (and Canada and Mexico?), which has been very mean to Trump. To prove he still has the biggest mushroom-shaped wangerdoodle on the international stage, Trump waggled his sad shiitake in what may have been the direction of the Pacific and raised tariffs on Chinese goods for the second time in two days, from yesterday’s 104 percent to a nice round 125 percent, effective immediately. Take that, Walmart and Amazon! Sucks to be you, Two Dollar Twenty-Five-Cents General!

Trump declared the temporary victory over his own stupid policy in a message on his fake Twitter site, explaining

“Based on the lack of respect that China has shown to the World’s Markets, I am hereby raising the Tariff charged to China by the United States of America to 125%, effective immediately,” he wrote. “At some point, hopefully in the near future, China will realize that the days of ripping off the U.S.A., and other Countries, is no longer sustainable or acceptable.”

Media outlets struggled to explain what might have motivated the reversal, other than Trump’s own need to have people praise him, which simply wasn’t forthcoming from rightwing media. While many wingnut personalities faithfully proclaimed the tariffs to be the most beautiful suit of clothes that can only be seen by smart stylish people, far too many of his usual sycophants rudely pointed out that tariffs are taxes, and taxes are bad.

Worse, the financial markets, which were supposed to go up endlessly because Trump is magical prosperity forever, instead kept sliding lower and lower since last week’s “Liberation Day.” We’re still calling it that, right, Sir? Trump may even have noticed that on Monday, markets briefly went way up when several Trump-loving Twitter accounts spread a false rumor that Great Leader would pause the tariffs for 90 days. So hey, why not make that rumor the truth, and then all his toadies would love him again?

And Lo, the Markets did Rebound and it was good. Trump claimed credit for panicking and putting the brakes on, and explained he had to do it for the markets’ own sake, not because he hates being hated by people who are supposed to love him.

“I thought people were jumping a little bit out of line. They were getting yippy, you know, getting a little bit yippy, a little bit afraid, unlike these champions,” he explained, indicating his brave team of yes-men. “We have a big job to do. No other president would’ve done what I did.” True enough, because not even Shrub Bush was stupid enough.

And indeed, markets did indeed rebound for the moment, with the S&P up seven percent this afternoon, and Trump BEAMED as his faithful sycophants called him “Sir.”

Trump was so happy, proclaiming that after he temporarily held off his axe-murder of the economy, something was “Up 2500 points. Nobody has ever heard of it. Gotta be a record.”

And because they are such predictable sad lickspittles, all the usual little Trump piggies got right to work praising Trump, because look, look, this had to be his brilliant plan all along! Here’s billionaire whatever-he-does Bill Ackman licking up all the spittle he can manage, for instance, but safely insulated with a very good dick joke:

As of right now, the White House hasn’t said which 75 countries will see the tariffs paused, probably because they still need to make ChatGPT tell them, or maybe in hopes that a few countries may actually call and ask if it’s too late to be included, which it won’t be! Also, the universal 10 percent tariff Trump places on all imports will remain in place for all countries, including the ones we have no trade with, like those penguin-ruled islands.

And now all is well again, and everyone loves Donald Trump again, at least until he pulls some other stupid shit later tonight.

OPEN THREAD

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Welcome To Trumpville, Population You!

What Are Trump’s Dumbass Tariffs REALLY About? Let Sen. Chris Murphy Learn Ya!

Looks Like Loser Stock Market Still Has Trump Derangement Syndrome!

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[NBC News ]

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