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Alex Jones is trying to be real calm here. No, not trying to make any sense.

Oh dear lord, Alex Jones has unleashed a new metaphor! We aren’t quite sure what it’s a metaphor FOR, but damn, it’s…something!

Here you go, courtesy of (if that’s even remotely the right term) John Whitehouse, news director for Media Matters:


You know this is going to be good when Jones starts, “I’m trying to be real calm here, but let me explain this,” then launches into a strange extended metaphor about how new developments in the Trump-Russia case are EXACTLY like Jones hypothetically catching his wife in bed having sex with ten guys and filming it for PornTubeHub, only she then turns around and accuses Jones of cheating on her:

THEY CHANGED THE SUBJECT! If I come home and my wife’s got a line of ten guys in the bed with her, and she jumps up and says “Screw you, I heard you were cheatin’ on me,” we don’t have a two-year investigation about whether I was cheatin’ or not. I Just caught my wife — hypothetically — with ten guys runnin’ a train on her ass.

They got video cameras set up. They’re filmin’ it for [long pause] PornHub — hypothetically.

As Chicago sports-talk radio guy Dan Katz points out, this is one weirdly specific hypothetical metaphor, isn’t it? But there’s more!

If I celebrate a year later, that she had an investigation of me, and she didn’t find me cheating on her — “Well, a year later, Honey, you didn’t catch me cheatin’ on ya, it wasn’t true!”

She’s like, “Yeah, dumbass, you caught ten guys runnin’ a train on me — for a porn site! You walked in on me, while they were lined up, and I changed the subject, like a Jedi mind trick — These aren’t the droids you’re looking for!”

See what I mean? ‘Cause it’s the same level!

Well dang, that IS some special mind trickery going on there, just like Dr. Spock used the Jedi Mind Meld in Gene Lucas’s classic Space Wars movie. Thank goodness you have a highly trained Doctor of Rhetoric to explain it all to you. Don’t try this at home; I am A EXPERT.

You see, in this extended metaphor — we would say it’s an anal orgy, but it doesn’t include a comparative “like” or “as” — catching the wife in bed clearly represents … no, let’s try it from the other direction: The hypothetical wife’s sudden change of subject is precisely symbolic of how Robert Mueller said … No, that doesn’t work at all, either. Maybe it’s somehow about the brand-new rightwing belief that there was an FBI spy in the Trump campaign, placed there by the Deep State to force the FBI to investigate the Deep State’s having placed a spy in the Trump campaign and thereby expose the Deep State, but honestly, it’s anyone’s guess.

It is our conclusion, as a Doctor of Rhetoric, that Alex Jones has no fucking idea at all what point he’s making, but boy oh boy, do we have new insight into why his divorce is so messy, the end. That crazy Oklahoma gubernatorial candidate made more sense.

Also it is now your Open Thread!

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[John Whitehouse on Twitter]

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