Good morning, Wonkers! Did you read our excellent piece of hilarious blog writing yesterday about Donald Trump’s new idiot lawyer Joe diGenova, AKA the thing what would come out if Alex Jones and the My Pillow guy had buttsex and made a really elderly baby? Well, there is more to report, but first, if you missed Wonk Pal Charlie Pierce’s loving remembrance of how back in the olden timey days of the 1990s, Joe diGenova was a big nutbag who was pretty sure it was OK to indict sitting presidents for blowjobs, and who is so stupid he actually thought Whitewater and Filegate were A Thing, even though even jackhole Kenneth Starr admitted they were not A Thing, click to read it after you are done with this update!
In our piece yesterday, we alluded to how maybe Trump is thinking about firing his lawyer Ty Cobb, because Cobb is mean and forces him to be nice about special counsel Robert Mueller, and that Trump lawyer John Dowd might quit because it’s not like Trump will listen to his VERY GOOD legal advice, which he types out in purple comic sans. (Still not joking.)
But just after we published came news that the Trump team was thinking about bringing on conservative legal powerhouse Ted Olson. “Whoa!” we said in the chatcave. “Ted Olson is actually a good lawyer! That doesn’t sound like somebody Trump could grab by the pussy and take furniture shopping!” Ted Olson has been in front of SCOTUS lots of times, often for wingnut issues (he gave us Bush v. Gore and also Citizens United), but VERY occasionally he has been on the right side of an issue, like when he and fellow powerhouse lawyer David Boies (whom he had fought against in Bush) teamed up for the cause of marriage equality, which ended in a ruling that murdered the Defense Of Marriage Act (DOMA) and upheld a lower court ruling that had found California’s Proposition 8 unconstitutional.
Well, WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP!
“But I’m a good lawyer,” we are guessing Ted Olson explained.
“I know, that’s why I need you on my team to fight wars against the FBI and the DOJ and Crooked Lying Hillary, based on conspiracy theories I saw on the Hannity show!” said Donald Trump, we imagine.
“I am washing my head bush AND my pants bush that day,” Ted Olson likely replied.
NBC’s Julia Ainsley reports that Olson already told Trump to fuck off last spring, and that this time, when he got the invite, he was “apprehensive at best,” so our made-up dialogue is likely not that far off.
Wonkette’s Five Dollar Feminist, a lawyer person, inveighs upon us to also note that Olson’s law partner Ted Boutros represented Karen McDougal, the Playboy lady now suing the president, so Olson probably was able to conflict-of-interest himself out of that sticky situation right quick.
This is all happening as Trump’s idiot lawyers are throwing every piece of shit at the wall they can, trying to find a “not answering Robert Mueller’s questions” alternative to answering all of Robert Mueller’s questions. Yes, they are still pulling that shit! At one point, they suggested maybe Mueller could just send them some questions, and Trump or his lawyers could scribble out some answers. No, that is a bad idea? Why? OK, what if Donald Trump signed an affidavit that said “NO GUILTY, NO GUILTY, ME ARE NOT THE GUILTY”? No? But Trump loves signing stuff!
More recently, Trump and/or his lawyers had a bright idea about how he’d agree to sit for an interview, if and only if Mueller would agree to end his probe within 60 days or so. Riiiiiiiight, you bet, that is for sure how this all works.
Now, the Washington Post reports that Trump’s lawyers have given the Mueller team “written descriptions” of “key moments” Mueller is investigating. Isn’t that nice! We don’t know if the “written descriptions” start with words like “Once upon a time” or “Picture it: Sicily,” but WE BET THEY DO. WaPo says they sent the “written descriptions” because they reallyreallyreallyreally don’t want Trump to sit for hours with investigators, obviously on account of how fucker gon’ lie.
More about the “written descriptions”:
The written materials provided to Mueller’s office include summaries of internal White House memos and contemporaneous correspondence about events Mueller is investigating, including the ousters of national security adviser Michael Flynn and FBI Director James B. Comey. The documents describe the White House players involved and the president’s actions.
Special counsel investigators have told Trump’s lawyers that their main questions about the president fall into two simple categories, the two people said: “What did he do?” and “What was he thinking when he did it?”
According to WaPo, the WRITTEN DESCRIPTIONS aren’t what Trump his own self thinks, but rather the “White House’s view” of what happened. Trump’s lawyers are reportedly hoping this will make Robert Mueller say, “Ya know? I don’t even need to ask Trump questions any more, because WRITTEN DESCRIPTIONS IS MY FAVORITE.”
Have we ever mentioned that Trump’s lawyers are kind of idiots, sort of? Then again, it’s not like they have many plays left.
This is all heading toward some kind of climax, though we don’t know what that climax will be. Will they finally come to an agreement, one that will cause Donald Trump to fall into a perjury trap, by lying his deformed orange face off? Will they fail to come to an agreement, which will lead to Mueller subpoenaing the president? And if so, then what? Will this shit end up at the Supreme Court?
Ugh, we don’t even know any more, stop asking us all your questions.
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