Good morning! Who wants to start the week off huffing the fumes from Trump’s Toxic Waste Dump in Pennsylvania? Well, here you go! Watch the whole thing — it’s a delight for all five senses.
Just kidding! For the love of God, don’t watch that shit! Hang on to your brain cells and read our recap of the top seven (we think?) fuckbonkers insane things your president said Saturday night at a rally for Republican congressional candidate Rick Saccone.
Sorry, girls! He’s married.
Donald Trump, Great Olympian
These guys came out and they said that your president has done a great job. We did a great job in the Olympics.
Wait? We’re pretty sure that Evan did not write one million pieces about Adam Rippon skating his sexxxxy ass off in Milwaukee. Weren’t the Olympics in South Korea?
President Moon said without Donald Trump, the Olympics would have been a failure. It’s true.
Might as well say it. Nobody else is going to say it. A little hard to sell tickets when you think you’re going to be nuked. When North Korea called and said, “We would like to be in the Olympics,” everybody said, “Let’s buy tickets.”
Lordy! Somebody’s orange ass is about to get rolled by Little Rocket Man!
Apparently, he does not care for the FAKE NEWS LYIN’ CNN MSNBC BAD RATINGS MEDIA!
A certain anchor on CNN, FAKE AS HELL, CNN. The worst. So fake. Fake news. The ratings are lousy, by the way, compared to Fox. And a certain anchor, female, said, “This is really something. He would go down as a truly great president if this happened.” Okay, amazing. Incredible.
Yes, sir. We are sorry that Erin Burnett’s brain fell out too.
Did you year what they said? Denuke. All of these things. No more missiles. They want to meet with President Trump. They could not believe it. The worst of them, CNN, MSNBC, which is worse. MSNBC, third rate. And NBC, which is horrible. The newscast is not doing well on NBC network. They are heading down the tubes.
Yes, the entire world is in shock that you gave the North Korean dictator the one thing he wants most: recognition as a great, legitimate world leader worthy of meeting with the US president. And all he had to give you in exchange was NOTHING AT ALL. Truly, no one at fake as hell CNN could believe it.
You want to round out your trenchant media critique by calling Chuck Todd a “sleeping son of a bitch?”
Trump on Chuck Todd:
“He’s a sleeping SOB” pic.twitter.com/CmI8dHZA4y
— Based Monitored 🇺🇸🇮🇪⚡️ (@BasedMonitored) March 11, 2018
LOL, this guy thinks he’s going to take on Oprah!
I would love Oprah to run. I know her weakness. I know her weakness. I know her very well. I was on her last show. The last week.
I know her weakness. Wouldn’t we love to run against Oprah Winfrey? I would love it. That would be very painful for her.
Poppy, take your meds. We all know Oprah’s weaknesses — she publishes a list every November. She likes tote bags, bubble bath, panini presses and books of folksy, bullshit aphorisms. Which people immediately rush out and buy because she’s fucking Oprah.
Even the firemen are making money under Trump! Can you believe it!
The stock market is up almost 40% since election day. Think of that! That’s not rich people, that’s for everybody.
If by everybody you mean the 48% of Americans who own stocks, then you’re exactly right.
Your 401(k)s, I hear it all the time. I take pictures with the policemen. I love the firemen. They are great. They are always coming up and saying, “Thank you very much. My 401(k) is up 41%, my wife thinks I’m a genius. They think like they are great investors.
Sure, I mean if you’re going to make up a fictional fireman who came up to thank you for his 401(k), you might as well make fun of him for being a dimwit who thinks he has some control over the performance of his retirement plan. ‘Cause, you know, poors right?
Meet the new slogan! Same as the old slogan, ONLY DUMBER!
We can’t use make America great again, because I already did that, right? Right? So our slogan — this is a team effort — our new slogan will be … This is on the assumption that it happens, which I’m almost positive. You can never be 100% sure. Let’s assume it’s going like it’s going. If we coasted for two-and-a-half years, we did a hell of a job. I was telling the guys, let’s coast!
Is the suspense killing you? Or are you having a fucking panic attack! Breathe into a paper bag, it’ll pass.
The new slogan, when we start running two years from now, is going to be Keep America Great Exclamation Point! KEEP AMERICA GREAT!
Thought of that all by yourself, did you? Guess there’s no one left at the White House, huh? Well, get your KAG! hats now!
Donald Trump went to college!
I’m thrilled to be back in Pennsylvania. I went to school here, college.
Did you? Really? Never heard that before. Please, tell us more about the school you bought your way into as a transfer student 50 years ago.
I went to the Wharton School of Finance. Ivy League School. The best business school. One of the hardest schools, even in my day.
Cool story, bro.
Normally, I would not come. Except it is Pennsylvania, and I love it. I went to school. I went to school here.
Clean up in Aisle PENNSYLVANIA.
I don’t say this as braggadocio.
No, of course not.
Donald Trump confesses his secret love of Bear Daddies!
Naturally the Pitchfork’n’White Hood crowd howled for the classics, so Trump wowed ’em with his chart-topping hits, “Pocohantas” and “Low IQ Maxine.”
But then he worked in some new material.
And Conor Lamb. Lamb the Sham, right? Lamb the Sham! He is trying to act like a Republican. I don’t know, he looks like a nice guy. I hear he is nice looking. I think I am better looking than him. I do, I do. He is slightly younger than me. Slightly.
Personally I like Rick Saccone. I think he is handsome.
ALRIGHTY, THEN! We’re not really digging Saccone’s scabby little mustache. But you do you, Mr. Presiderp! If you want to get it on with another chubby who styles his hair like a toupee, follow your bliss.
The media have been busy factchecking Trump’s one million lies from Saturday night. Whether Trump and Saccone went backstage and bumped their bathing suit areas together remains UNCONFIRMED.
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