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If all you see when you look at this portrait is sperm, somethin’s wrong with you, oh boy!

If you ever wanted to see what gets Sean Hannity’s jizzes flowing, and more specifically the process by which that happens, you need to start with this screengrab of 4Chan deciding to start spreading a rumor that the new Barack Obama official portrait is covered in sperm:

It is still beyond us that things like 4Chan exist when there is actual human interaction available in the world, but whatever. (We feel the same way about Twitter, TBH.)

ANYWAY. That happened in the wee hours of this morning.

Hours later, once Hannity had a chance to wipe the sleepy boogers out of his eyes and get pumped for another day of being a Kremlin/Fox News slut for Donald Trump, his website was ON the Fake Obama Sperm Face story. There was a tweet and an article on his website:

WHOA IF TRUE!

Of course, there is a tiny nugget of truth contained in this Sean Hann-tasy about Barack Obama’s sperms, and it is that the artist who painted Barack Obama’s portrait, Kehinde Wiley, is known for sticking sperms in stuff. It is art, after all!

But that up there? On Obama’s face? That is a vein. OR IS IT A SPERM VEIN?

(It’s a fucking vein. It’s always been right there, on Obama’s head.)

(BUT IS IT FULL OF SPERM?)

Hannity’s original story also noted that the artist joked about “killing Whitey” one time, but didn’t really explain that it was in reference to one of his works that’s a takeoff on the Bible story of Judith and Holofernes:

Her pose is a riff on classical depictions by Caravaggio and Gentileschi, of the biblical story of Judith beheading Holofernes. And the severed head? “She’s one of my assistants.”

Look, painting!

So that is also part of the outrage! Jizz on Obama’s face! Black people cutting off whitey heads! Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!11111GHAZI!

If you don’t know the story of Judith beheading Holofernes, could you please read a damn Bible once in a while? We will note that this is the second time in the past year that an artistic riff on this Bible story has sent wingnuts running in circles and soiling their panties. (See: Griffin, Kathy. Also see Wonkette’s Hillary/Trump Judith and Holofernes t-shirt, which somehow did not set off a national outcry.)

Anyway, the question remains: DOES THIS MEAN BARACK OBAMA IS GOING TO KILL WHITEY BY SPERMING THROUGH HIS BIG EARS AND MAKING ALL THE WHITE LADIES PREGNANT WITH O-BABIES?

We will never know, because we guess Sean Hannity didn’t like the taste this jizzed-up 4Chan story was leaving in his mouth, so he spitted it up real hard, deleting not only the tweet, but also the story on his website. [Masochists can find it archived at the Wayback Machine.]

And thus ended the very dumb three act play where Sean Hannity got spoonfed something by 4Chan, believed it because he was an idiot, put it on his website and his Twitter, then memoryholed it the second the cacophony of people laughing at him, and not with him, grew too loud for him to bear.

Other parts of Inner Wingnuttia are still going with it, though. Daily Caller INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER (of sperm paintings) Ethan Barton posts a bunch of Wiley’s other works, to draw attention to how they are just chock full of both sperm and black people:

(Flickr/Wally Gobetz)

Barton doesn’t swallow the OBUMMER SPERMS narrative whole, though, and instead cutely says the vein has “caused internet buzz.” Uh huh.

For the real Obama sperm drenching, you gotta go to Alex Jones’s InfoWars, where noted sperm reporter Kit Daniels writes at length about how all Kehinde Wiley’s paintings are full of semen, because apparently noted sperm reporter Kit Daniels does not know that “semen” and “sperm” are not the same thing.

The InfoWars headline says Obama is “covered” in sperm, which leads us to believe Kit Daniels lied about his sperm expertise to get his job as a noted sperm reporter at Infowars:

If you are LOL-ing at the subhed where noted sperm reporter Kit Daniels suggests Kehinde Wiley hid a secret sperm message that symbolized how wingnuts think world leaders thought of Obama, don’t worry, so are we. He explains:

Is this symbolic of how world leaders treated Obama during his presidency? Likely yes, given the Iranian nuclear deal and other lopsided treaties designed to screw America over in the long-run.

OK, buddy. Back away from whatever sperms you’re huffing (allegedly) and have a little lie down, why don’t you?

You’d think we’re done with wingnuts swimming through imaginary reflecting pools full of the Kenyan U-Spermer’s spooge, but no, here is a video of Alex Jones his very own self, adding needed analysis to what is going on right now:

Here’s a giant sperm swimming across the president’s head! He also shows the president has six fingers [No he doesn’t. He just painted Obama’s right hand kind of weird. – Ed.] So there’s the sperm. The head of the sperm. This is a GMO sperm! It wouldn’t even have a tail or being able to swim! So these are fully formed sperm he has!

GMO SPERM, THE FUCK YOU SAY? So not only is Obama covered in sperm, he is covered in MONSANTO SPERM? That is sure to upset those people who protest biotech without fully understanding biotech.

Anyway, Alex Jones concludes by saying this is part of the religion of globalism and Satanism and a “ritual of abomination” and uh huh, you bet, the Olympics are on, time for yr Wonkette to look away now.

Wouldn’t want to get Nobummer’s sperm all over us anyhow.

OPEN THREAD! Don’t get jizz on it.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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  • RickyG
  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Cage-free, non-GMO sperm or GTFO.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    We feel the same way about Twitter, TBH.

    You can have my resistance-driven Twitter account when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Well, America Online took away my AIM account that I’d had since I was a reclusive and lonely high schooler. Now I just have a Disqus account with a throwaway email and am a similarly reclusive and lonely 33-year-old. Dammit AOL, you took away my only friend! (OK, Smarter Child wasn’t real, but they were a lot easier to get along with than the kids who made me sit on the floor in the cafeteria.) Fuck you, AOL!

  • Rick Hill
    • leemoder

      It’s actually hypnotic…

  • which is further proof that Hannity is a 12 year old asshole trapped in the body of a 56 year old idiot.

  • yyyaz

    Now I’m having Eraserhead flashbacks. Thanks, Mr. Wiley.

    • TJ Barke

      In heaven, everything is fine.

  • Vicki Lawrence’s Shh…Doritos

    #ReleasetheSperm

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • SterWonk

      You had to; it was right there.

  • TJ Barke

    These fuckers are getting more unhinged by the day.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    And what, exactly, is wrong with sperm? Everyone on Earth who lives or ever lived owes half their DNA to someone’s sperm, except maybe Jesus. Jesus was allegedly sperm-free. Now if this artist regularly included ovum in his paintings, I could understand the misogynistic alt-right wingnuts getting upset about it, but based on their history, you’d think they wouldn’t mind a few sperm here and there.

    • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

      If Jesus was sperm-free, Jesus should have been female.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        He would be a female clone, but “Miracle.”

        • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

          Of course. I guess Jesus was the first transgender person, then?

          • Angela Ruzzo

            That would be a reasonable interpretation, but I doubt he was the first.

          • yyyaz

            Transmutant also too. Too bad there was no Miss Peregrine back then.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I think the transmutation came later in his life. Would it be fair to call Jesus an inter-species hybrid? The term “chimera” might also be appropriate.

          • Amy!

            The Nephilim had a long history of hybridizing humans.

          • RickyG

            Also zombie!

          • Meccalopolis

            And hippy too

      • TJ Barke

        That’s what happens when you get like 30 different writers on the same project.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          True. And no bibliography.

      • aureolaborealis

        You’re saying it’s unlikely that babby jeebus was the product of parthenogenesis?

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Unlikely, but not impossible.

        • Red Bird on a Shithouse

          Fandangler?

    • yyyaz

      Jesus wasn’t sperm-free so much as his daddy was a needle dick.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Now you are reminding me of graffiti I saw cut into the wall above a desk in the local university library in 1969. It said “Nixon’s father should have pulled out too.” I was 12 years old and I didn’t get it, so I asked my older sister, and she blushed.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      The H in “Jesus H. Christ” stands for “haploid.”

    • aureolaborealis

      It’s too bad Occam hadn’t invented his razor yet: “Let’s see, we have a pregnant teenager who hasn’t slept with her husband. She’s claiming divine conception. Sure. OK. Yeah. But maybe there’s a simpler explanation …”

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Matthew and Luke are the only Evangelists who mention the virgin birth. This story was invented to line up with a mis-translated prophecy by Isaiah. Paul never mentions it at all. Several prominent historians have theorized that the passages in Matthew and Luke were written to answer contemporary Jewish slanders about Jesus’ illegitimate birth.

        People will believe anything they choose to believe. Did the Ancient Greeks really believe that Zeus took the form of a swan to impregnate Leda, and that she gave birth to two eggs, which hatched and produced Helen, Clytemnestra, Castor and Pollux? I doubt it.

        • Miles Monroe

          Frescoes or GTFO.

    • Meccalopolis

      Jesus was alien sperm

    • Red Bird on a Shithouse

      That’s a new take on the immaculate conception.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        A lot of people think the term “immaculate conception” refers to Jesus’ virgin birth, but in fact it refers to the birth of Mary, who was allegedly born “without original sin” to make her a holy enough vessel to carry the messiah. The Catholic Church teaches that god acted upon Mary in the first moment of her conception, keeping her “immaculate”. This dogma was necessary to assure believers that Mary was not only pure enough to give birth to the messiah, but she was also “saved” and would have eternal life because she was born with the “sanctifying grace” that would normally come with baptism after birth. In other words, Mary was pre-redeemed. When St. Bernadette claimed to see visions of a beautiful woman at Lourdes, the lady allegedly introduced herself to Bernadette as “The Immaculate Conception.” (Jesus’ birth is known as the “Doctrine of Incarnation.”)

        This was all drilled into me when I was a young girl, but for the life of me I couldn’t see how any of this had anything to do with the basic tenets of the Christian religion, it was just a lot of absurd detail invented by men with too much time on their hands who enjoyed showing off by debating each other on pointless subjects, such as how many angels can stand on the head of a pin, and also who also enjoyed making life difficult for little children in Catechism classes.

  • Jack Has a Memo!!!!

    But is Obama’s Sperm Head aware of what the queers are doing to the soil?

  • James Baskin

    Sure is a lot sperm talk around here.

  • memzilla Ω

    Between Hannity and Goebbels, I don’t see a vas deferens.

    • yyyaz

      In genital, there is none.

    • HarryButtle

      They’re certainly in the same ball-park.

      • TJ Barke

        Urethra! I think you’re on to something!

        • redarmyzombie

          It certainly left me feeling very prostated.

          • TJ Barke

            Orange you glans I didn’t say banana?

          • I think I understand where you’re coming from.

    • Nockular cavity

      I’m glans somebody was here to point that out.

      • RickyG

        Don’t get teste!

        • Monica

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          • RickyG

            Monica!!! How do feel about making love to me in a tub of canned baby clams?!

      • Alease

        Goℴgle is giving every one $97 per/hr to complete few services from a laptop .. Work Some just few time & stay more time together with your own loved ones . Any one can also apply this special offer!!last Saturday I got a gorgeous McLaren F1 just after making $10,000 this past six weeks .no doubt it is the coolest job however you could not forgive yourself if you don’t read this.!oe541j:➩➩➩ http://GoogleNextFreelanceInternetJobs/getcash/97$/per-hr ♥o♥g♥♥z♥f♥♥♥n♥♥♥h♥y♥♥n♥u♥r♥♥v♥g♥♥n♥♥e♥i♥l♥g♥♥b♥♥♥y♥u♥c♥♥♥a♥♥♥x♥♥q♥f:::!ie492i:ykwxvr

    • aureolaborealis

      Two orchids in a pot.

    • leemoder

      Cock.

      Too direct?

      • Magic Juan

        Getting too cocky?

    • hudson

      i prostate to your brilliance.

  • Rick Hill

    What no one noticed about the portrait:
    https://i.imgur.com/uH1KOUgl.png

  • Rick Hill
    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Men’s fashion is a growth industry

  • BadKitty904

    Want some whine with that, Gollum?

    UK Judge Upholds Arrest Warrant for WikiLeaks Founder
    https://www.apnews.com/75097a44726b4bfcad4a1a5c3d72c217/UK-judge-upholds-arrest-warrant-for-WikiLeaks-founder

    A judge upheld a British arrest warrant for Julian Assange on Tuesday, saying the WikiLeaks founder should have the courage to come to court and face justice after more than five years inside Ecuador’s London embassy.

    Judge Emma Arbuthnot rejected arguments by Assange’s lawyers that it is no longer in the public interest to arrest him for jumping bail in 2012 and seeking shelter in the embassy to avoid extradition to Sweden. Prosecutors there were investigating allegations of sexual assault and rape made by two women, which Assange has denied.

    Arbuthnot did not mince words in her ruling at London’s Westminster Magistrates’ Court, saying that by jumping bail Assange had made “a determined attempt to avoid the order of the court.”

    She said Assange appeared to be “a man who wants to impose his terms on the course of justice.”

    “He appears to consider himself above the normal rules of law and wants justice only if it goes in his favor,” the judge said, drawing exclamations of dismay from Assange supporters in the public gallery.

    • all the bots on twitter are going to have a hissy fit.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      “Also, this court is not going to establish the precedent that if you evade a warrant for long enough, then it’s all good, you fucking idiots.”
      – The judge, probably.

      • Daniel

        “Excluding Tory ministers, obvs.”

    • Lord Jim

      “and wants justice only if it goes in his favor,” the judge said, drawing exclamations of dismay from Assange supporters in the public gallery.”

      Truth hurts, don’t it assholes?

    • Daniel

      Shorter: Assange is a narcissist.

      • BadKitty904

        As well as a criminal, a coward, etc.

  • leemoder
  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    FYI: Sarah Weddington endorsed my candidate!

    https://www.fowlerfortexas.com/single-post/2018/02/13/Sarah-Weddington-Leah-Glossbrenner-Endorse

    yes, this is a winnable district. yes, that donation button really does work.

    miss you guys. will be back sometime in the sometime future.
    beer and skittles and all the other good things.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Miss you too BtBT! Return soon

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      We love you Tiger Belle! Say hi to the puppehs for us!

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        I only have the Calliope Jane now, but I will. JJP looks like she found her furever home. will get more info on that.

  • BigCSouthside

    Holy shit the Hannity thing was real? I saw it this morning and immediately wrote it off as a spoof account

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Hannity is the walking, talking representation of a spoof account.

  • Martini A, very stable genius

    I bet you guys never noticed that I always hide sidebewb in all my gifs that I make for Wonkette. Look harder next time.

    • Rick Hill

      No one here ever noticed that, under my clothes, I’m not wearing a thing.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • 3FingerPete

    Trump’s official portrait will have the biggest sperm. Big, beautiful sperm.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Fat Tuesday, y’all! Go have some king cake and wash it down with a sazerac. Or two.

    https://youtu.be/OUPkvv4H0V0

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    I guess in the interest of our collective sanity, we’re all just brushing over the fact that the racist claims of neckbearded shut-ins is the closest thing right wing media gets to primary source material.

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • AlanInSF

    If one of these tail-less Kenyan GMO super-sperms busted loose from Obama’s forehead and impregnated the she-bitch Hitlery, their spawn would make Chuckie look like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

    • Ω cynmac asks for your excuse?

      “Hitlery” is post menopausal so your assertion makes no sense.

  • WilbyToad
  • “Don’t get jizz on it.” you’re not the boss of me, Evan.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    I’ve heard that Sean Hannity enjoys “snowballing.”

    • Meccalopolis

      ???

  • texcynical
  • maxneanderthal

    “It’s fluoride I tell ya! They’re after our Precious bodily Fluids, Mandrake!”

  • Secret sperm? Fuck no.

    That’s the vein in his temple you folks on FOX made permanently set to “Tense”…

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Re: “Inappropriate sexual innuendo”

    What Shawn means by this is that every time he sees a picture of a Black man he achieves an erection. It happened to him for the first time in Junior High School and he’s hated himself ever since.

  • Rick Hill

    Hey! Those on the right are very selective about their outrage. we should respect such a strong stance! I, for one will place my hand over my heart as they are marched into a FEMA camp, because of that respect. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/59c349cb0389d8d1e4e0f2f47dfe95b62e3873f8f31d3286df384597f376db2e.png

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    Remember “friend of Wonkette” David Stephan? Well:
    http://www.bodyforwife.com/health-and-wellness-expos-are-bullshit/

  • Fritz1964

    For a bunch of impotent, sterile basement dwellers, the cons sure like to talk about the sprems.

    • kaydenpat

      Because all they can do is talk.

  • Indiepalin

    This portrait of Obama sitting on a chair has clearly been photo-shopped – altered so that Obama’s hands appear massive. This is an obvious dig at Trump and his supposedly small hands. In truth, Trump’s hands are the largest of any president, including Benjamin Franklin.

    • Christopher Story

      I like to think it was at least also to maximize the detail of the wedding band. If the size of the hands are on purpose than no doubt the prominence of his wedding band is every bit as deliberate.

    • puredog

      Really? Didn’t Ford used to trip over his hands? But then, of course, he had no fear of stairs.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • OneYieldRegular

    Call me crazy, but I’d say this is simply yet another tedious example of white men expressing their own sexual insecurity.

    • Hey, I’m quite secure in my sexualness… Then again, I don’t see imaginary sperm everywhere…

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        Ya but, except for the oil patch and the prairie provinces, where your Rebel fanatic Scheer emerged from and is having a daily freakout that Justin’s socks showed his ankles or something, your country is pretty open about such things…

        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/903e8467ee32cf0ae76387e90979dd4ffb5487ee482e0d0035e1f443715e13b6.jpg

        • Trudeau’s Wookie socks made me love him even more. Anyone who has a problem with those socks can fight me.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Tell me about it, When we first moved to Canada I sit down to watch a documentary my spouse is watching. It’s about anal sex. Wow. To say the least I had culture shock. And I soon grew to love Sue Johanson on Sunday night with her sex talk.

  • Ellie

    I don’t see six fingers; do I need my magnifying glass?

    • mancityRed6

      there’s a wrinkle in the palm of his left hand

      • Ellie

        OK, I see the weird wrinkle, but it still doesn’t look like six fingers to me. Thanks.

        • mancityRed6

          these are the same people who see a secret sperm.
          just saying their not that bright.

      • Daniel

        Ursula Me Guin and Madeleine L’Engle cross over.

  • Christopher Story

    First of all, these people are watching way too much pornography. Seriously, I watch porn, but I still had to go look up terms like “cuck” and “bukkake” just to know what they were talking about.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      These are people who spend literally all day on the internet yelling at women for being too opinionated, unclothed, or clothed.

      About how much real-life sex do you think they’ve experienced?

      • maxneanderthal

        The field in which they’ve had there fucks is a pit of alkali, ringed with bleached bones.

      • puredog

        I find with porn that if you yell at the woman on the screen for being too clothed, she magically responds. Then she makes you a sammidge.

    • Lord Jim

      Amateur.

    • redarmyzombie

      We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue!

      • Daniel

        They could change the names of any schools named after Grant and no one would know.

  • kaydenpat

    These people are not well. I’m not even joking.

    • armed_bears

      We’re not sending our best people.

  • memzilla Ω
    • hudson

      when does 239 leave?

    • Hardly Ideal

      Rachel Maddow was lamenting that she needs a bigger wall for all the departures.

  • ImGoingBacon

    …the Bible story of Judith Jem and the Holofernes Holograms. Not that you guys have ever seen this before. FTFY

  • Ms. MLG on Maui

    The swim team at Obama’s Super Sperm Elementary is looking good this year.

  • Tetman Callis

    Um . . . gosh . . . guys? I actually used semen . . . real live semen — well, it was dead after not too long, but . . . ennyways, I used it as pigment (? — fairly narrow color range, it doesn’t broaden the palette much) and as some sort of artistic statement . . . something about the pain of sex and all that . . . I was a lot younger . . . no, the pieces didn’t sell . . . that’s all right . . . it was a long time ago . . . no, I’m okay now, I washed my hands . . . really, they’re clean . . .

    • RickyG

      What kind of stroke did you use?

      • Tetman Callis

        I squirted it straight out of the tube.

        • RickyG

          Nice!

    • Meccalopolis

      I prefer piss. .. damn, phrasing again

      • Tetman Callis

        I used piss, too. And water-based acrylics. I wasn’t a complete monster.

  • Rick Hill

    They will never get over the fact that he succeeded regardless of not being part of the lucky sperm club

    • puredog

      The first rule of Lucky Sperm Club is that you don’t talk about Lucky Sperm Club. Nor, it goes without saying, post a comment on Wonkette about it.

      • Bobathonic

        Fortunately, Wonkette won’t allow comments.

        • puredog

          Egg-zackly.

        • Ω cynmac asks for your excuse?

          Or pants.

          • Bobathonic

            Tht’s what keeps me coming back. The dick jokes also too.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Yay!

      • Stable Uniomist Raan

        Second rule, no outside food.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        I thought that wae Boxing The Bishop Club.

  • BadKitty904
  • Stable Uniomist Raan

    He also shows the president has six fingers

    THE AUTHOR OF THE JOURNALS

  • Daniel

    You know what’s sad? This is literally the most interested any of these dullards will ever be in art.

    • Niblick

      You can’t be sad if you have never experienced joy

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Lord Jim

      No matter how many times these schemes come to light, no matter how many times Project Veritrash gets caught trying to incriminate people and organizations, it’s the “liberals” who are the liars and conspirators.

    • redarmyzombie

      Again, gettin’ good mileage with this one:

      https://media.giphy.com/media/Nn2wW3g0hwDEA/giphy.gif

    • hudson

      wow!! this is crazy.

    • puredog

      I loves me some Maxine, but I note that she does not deny the substance of the post, while I do not infer from that alone that it is accurate. JSIA. (Cringes, ducks, flees.)

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        I mean, she says it’s forged, so there’s that.

        And I read it. It includes misspellings and such catstroking phrases as “perhaps even once [sic] I have secured the Speaker of the House position.” And the filename they accidentally included on the bottom shows it originated on 8chan.

        • puredog

          K. I confess I was too lazy to embiggen it. I just note that to “forge” (i.e., create a document that purported to be something it was not), and thereby to “misrepresent” a congress-critter (i.e., “this is something she send” when it was not) does not say “This is a false statement of my position.”

          • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

            Why should she have to do that, though? It’s taking the bait. She just told him what she needed to: to fuck off.

          • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

            And also highlighting Twatter’s slow, selective attitude towards holding any one of their users to account.

          • “M”
          • FlownΩver

            LBJ once told an aide to spread a rumor his campaign opponent was a sheepfucker. The aide said “Lyn, you know that ain’t true.” Johnson replied, “I know… I just want to make him deny it.”

            That’s the legend, anyway.

          • “M”

            If you were a Congressperson with a few hundred thousand things to do, and an active member of the Resistance, would YOU want to get in a splatfight with a bunch of Twitbots? If you doubt her position so much, you can always call the L.A. FBI and get the relevant documents to verify one way or the other yourself.
            Just make sure you double-check what they get you, because you sound like the type who’s mightily susceptible to believing a fake.

            And one more thing — even the worst of Russian kompromat experts don’t use their white nationalist racist soldierbots to actively plant ideas. They are so successful precisely because they merely exploit the bigotry and unwarranted suspicions *that are already in the people here*.

            Looking at you and your racist suppositions and your “well, she didn’t SAY” and blah blah blah. Trying really hard not to call you out on your fairly blatant implicit biases. Maybe I’m not doing so well at that last part.

    • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

      Holy crap!

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      “Harold Charles “Hal” Turner (born March 15, 1962) is an American white nationalist, Holocaust denier, and blogger from North Bergen, New Jersey. In August 2010, he was convicted for making threats against three federal judges with the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hal_Turner

      Together, everyone: He seems nice.

  • WiscoJoe

    But Glenn Greenwald says that right wing conspiracy theorists “have been largely scorned and relegated to obscurity” only to be replaced with Twitter accounts from a handful of academics, who are the new J. Edgar Hoovers.

  • WiscoJoe

    Every brush stroke is sacred.

    • gallbladder

      Emphasis on “stroke.”

  • Rick Hill

    Okay! Next charging station we’ll ask the way.
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aOrv2r2_460s.jpg

    • Hardly Ideal

      Fucking Mapquest…!

  • aureolaborealis

    They are SOOOOO relieved to have a few moments they can spend doing something other than defending Lord Dampnut.

  • WilbyToad

    And secret sperm is more important than…
    https://twitter.com/tribelaw/status/963480259604643842

    • TJ Barke

      Gee, I WONDER WHY?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      We don’t know it was the Japanese. It could have been a 400 pound guy on a flying couch!

      • Niblick

        from NJ..

        • Daniel

          Got killed by a 400 pound drudge from New York and New Jersey.

          This monkey’s gone to heaven.

      • “M”

        Sounds like it was. One who is orange, and is originally from Queens.

    • Daniel

      A day that might not live in infamy if everyone could just stop talking about it! God!

    • OneYieldRegular

      And that, for all you kids out there wondering, is collusion.

      • Clark_Nova

        More like treason.

  • BadKitty904

    Let’s see how much play this gets in the “liberal” media…

    Russian Threat to Elections to Persist Through2018, Spy Bosses Warn Congress
    https://www.npr.org/2018/02/13/584672450/intelligence-leaders-testify-about-global-threats-in-senate-hearing

    Russian influence operations in the United States will continue through this year’s midterm elections and beyond, the nation’s top spies warned Congress on Tuesday.

    Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats told the Senate intelligence committee that Moscow viewed its attack on the 2016 election as decidedly worthwhile given the chaos it has sown compared to its relatively low cost.

    Per AP – https://www.apnews.com/1f3793974259448db019ce550198ccaa/Federal-vote-protection-efforts-lag-ahead-of-first-primaries

    Federal efforts to help states button down elections systems have crawled, hamstrung in part by wariness of federal meddling. Just 14 states and three local election agencies have so far asked for detailed vulnerability assessments offered by the Department of Homeland Security — and only five of the two-week examinations are complete.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/62ea5259dbc165e2826809b2037ca9781aac4e72b1d4c0206d65bf43ec306ebd.jpg

    • Christopher Story

      I’m waiting to see Rachel Maddow’s take. Nobody’s been riding the Russia angle harder than her.

      • BadKitty904

        We need to be screaming this from the rooftops NOW, not just in November…

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      What terrifies me the most is that our telecom giants, one and all, may have decided that Republican administrations are just better for them in general, and are slanting their coverage to maintain just the smallest veneer of objectivity while either passively accepting or actively promoting Trump’s presidency.

      We sure as hell didn’t see a tv-media blitz on what Net Neutrality is. I wonder why?

      • BadKitty904

        Barely a mention, as far as I’ve seen.

      • TJ Barke

        I don’t…

    • aktlib101

      Russian interference in our elections is not a threat. It’s a Republican asset. Or feature.

      • BadKitty904

        The GOP and its owners view democracy as a threat.

    • BadKitty904

      Experts: What States Can Do to Secure Their Elections
      https://www.apnews.com/aa9ad45f0f0647bbb494e1e657ae6ade/Experts:-What-states-can-do-to-secure-their-elections

      Newly released “playbooks” from a bipartisan team at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government aims to help state and local elections officials protect against hacking and disinformation.

      • Bad Scooter

        The DOJ has no advice for state and local officials on how to keep Russian Ratfucks out of the US election process. Harvard to the rescue!

        PS: watch Jeff Sessions try to indict the writers of these “playbooks” for interfering in the GOPs plan … er, gubmint bizness

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Are these nitwits fucked-up or what?

    • BadKitty904

      They’re certainly abnormal.

  • Nice time! State attorneys general FTW!

    https://twitter.com/MarkHerringVA/status/963515506983624705

    • BadKitty904

      Precisely why Turmp and his Congressional collaborators are working so hard to pack the courts with fake judges…

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Didn’t Trump explain how the whole DACA thing is unconstitutional and stuff?

    • puredog

      HA! And Brooklyn’s not an island in the middle of the Pacific! Suck THAT, Drumpf!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Daniel

    These are the same people who accuse the left of unreasonably seeing racism and sexism in everything.

  • Zonath

    This is nothing new. Everyone knows that there’s been a tradition of inserting gametes into official presidential portraiture ever since John Tumbull placed a clandestine egg cell on the nose John Adams in his official portrait.

    • Daniel

      And Washington’s teeth in his portrait were famously carved from fallopipotomus ivory.

      • Meccalopolis

        Didn’t they used to make stuff from sperm whale peen?

        • Daniel

          Toothpicks. It was one of the least efficient industries ever.

          • Meccalopolis

            Man. Whale karma is gonna be a bitch. Hey, you don’t think…

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Onassis bar stool libelz, (foreskins)

  • FlownΩver

    It’s all just more projection as Hannity dreams of his very own Trump facial.

  • Anna Rompage

    Sweet little baby jeebus sodomizing the 12 apostles, Obama’s sperm are even bigger than Donad Trump’s hands…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      This is why ‘you can’t go back.’

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I find this whole thing hard to swallow.

    Now I’m going to think about Michelle Obama and do a Jackson Pollock on the shower wall.

    • gallbladder

      Vivid.

    • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

      Uhhh…

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie
  • Niblick

    Spermatazoa!!!

    I see it everywhere!

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi
  • Crystalclear12

    Hannity needs help.
    Pharmaceutical, electrical or surgical, I don’t care, but some form of help.

    • wavicles

      In the form of a blunt object?

      • Crystalclear12

        Made of votes?

        • wavicles

          Yes of course, of course… hard, blunt votes, thank you.

    • Bitter Scribe

      No he doesn’t. He makes a good living being dumb, which is the only thing he’s qualified for. If he ever wised up, he’d starve.

      • Crystalclear12

        I’m willing to pay for his silence.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      It does make me feel a tad bit more “normal” when I realize that even though I’m a mental illness sufferer, these guys need SERIOUS intervention for being batshit insane. I’m not even kidding. They have a pathological obsession with sex that veers into the perverse.

      • Miles Monroe

        … and get paid for it!

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Educational, because he is a dumb ass.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Don’t be alarmed by that awful wet tearing/squishing sound. That’s just the sound of me crushing my own head between my palms.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Introducing Obama’s new fragrance line:
    ———–Come To Me————
    Does it smell like come to you?

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    OPEN THREAD! Don’t get jizz on it.

    Now you tell us!

  • MANGO CRIMES
    • TJ Barke

      Just the legal citizens that act like racists and nazis, Kevin.

    • Meccalopolis

      Jerkyourbeast is a racist?

  • doktorzoom

    Gluttons for spermy punishment can find the dumb Hannity article archived at the Wayback Machine. But why?

  • anon_the_great

    Oh FFS! Listen RethugliBros, go play with some peens, yours or your friends, don’t care, get that sticky stuff all over you, play with it, then get over it. Those of you who like the sticky stuff, get a boyfriend. Just STFU about it.

    Thanks

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • BadKitty904

      It would be in America. Now, however…

    • HogeyeGrex

      I’m sure he’s just letting Putin deal with it.

  • hudson

    does any one know all the places where #239 has left his sperm?

  • Cletus Safari

    “The Sleepy Boogers” would be a great name for a punk rock band.

  • janecita
    • Daniel

      “Not all of them!”- Jesus

      • janecita

        That’s what you think:-)

    • TJ Barke

      Doesn’t mean any of them were actually attractive…

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      That doesn’t help, unfortunately. Mine should have been sterilized the minute they got off the damn boat. Plus even if I was conventionally attractive, I’d still be biologically unfit. I’m a walking billboard for “never stick your dick in crazy.”

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    O-Peen Thread…I suppose it had to happen eventually.

    • redarmyzombie

      You mean it hadn’t already?!

  • Joshua Norton

    If Sean feels this way…Mike Pence must be positively drooling!

    • BadKitty904

      Ew.

    • BadKitty904

      Wasn’t this posted on social media?

      • we’ve been through so many worm holes the last year, reality has become a Möbius strip

        • HogeyeGrex

          I’m going to need a good, long drink from my Klein bottle.

          • Daniel

            I find I resort to that when I feel blue.

            At the intersection of art and topology are jokes!

          • OneYieldRegular

            Life these days is just a Möbius strip inside a Klein bottle inside a turducken.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        He must be feeling depressed.

    • Daniel

      As long as they’re more depressed than I am I don’t care.

      Please share.

    • Gosala

      I was depressed long before social media was a thing.

      • Daniel

        Here I am, brain the size of a planet…

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        Me too. If anything, social media has only made it worse, because it only emphasizes that I’m so extremely afraid of people that I can’t even talk to them on the fucking INTERNET. The fact that trolls exist only dials that self-hatred up to infinity. So does the fact that “social media influencers” exist, who are making $50,000 per video by showing off how “awesome” they allegedly are. I’ll never be cool, dammit.

        • Bad Scooter

          you’re cool in my book. then again, i’m not getting any invitations to sit at the cool kids’ table, either. 😎

        • Gosala

          I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I think you’re a lovely person and I would very much like reading your comments of comments wee allowed.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          But cool isn’t all it is cracked up to be, and intellect is attractive and you definitely have that going for you.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Sez a guy with how many tens of millions to fall back on…

  • Suse

    Sean’s mom’s ovum must have been fertilized by a 3-headed sperm cell.

    • Lambsendbeds

      More like a haploid sperm with a very short tail.

  • Jonny On Maui
    • Lambsendbeds

      Pence absolutely deserves any shade thrown at him. And I think that his religious extremism makes him more dangerous than Trump, who is merely parroting Evengelical talking points. Pence is a true believer, who thinks “The Handmaid’s Tale” is a PSA.

      • FlownΩver

        Either shade or large, jagged chunks of concrete (of votes, of course).

  • Cletus Safari

    Less wingnuttery, more yuri!

    (Click, then click again for full size)

    https://i.imgur.com/c2dZ2oa.jpg

    • marxalot

      Happy Galentine’s Day, may Senpai notice you.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    a stark contrast to predecessors with inappropriate sexual innuendo

    Sometimes Gerald Ford’s pipe is not just a pipe. Just sayin’

    /Oh, and innUendo, Sean.

  • (((Jgmurphy)))

    This bolsters my amateur psych theory that the wingnuts spewing Obama hatred are really closet cases that are secretly in love and lust with him. Can’t blame them!

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      You don’t say.

      Have you seen the wingnuts who spew hatred against Trudeau?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAkrbNEOrOY

      Dollars to donairs this guy has a copy of Common Ground under his pillow with the pages stuck together. Probably Marvel Civil War II: Choosing Sides also too.

    • Parakeetist

      Of course!

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      As a former employee of a video store in the early 90’s that rented porn, in Florida, I can tell you that the more obviously racist white yahoos almost always rented porn involving BBC. Now granted it would have a woman involved, but never a black woman, always an albino bleach blonde type.
      tl;dr racists, love to see BBC.

  • WilbyToad

    The Dark Twisted Failure of Devin Nunes
    The House Intel chair is carving out a place in history as Trump and Putin’s most useful idiot on Capitol Hill

    Someday, when Hollywood starts making movies and episodic dramas about this bizarre epoch in American history – that time when Russia installed a fat, orange-tinted fourth-grader in the White House, and “conservatives” cheered and plotted to keep him there – there will be a whole dog-kennel’s worth of knaves to fill out any plot, from sweaty international man-of-mystery Paul Manafort to rosy-cheeked son-of-a-felon Jared Kushner. Screenwriters will be forced to pick and choose their villains; there will be far too many to pack into a script. But when it comes to comic relief, the choices (beyond Donald Trump himself) will be easy and universal: Failed-academic-in-a-Gilligan-hat Carter Page is guaranteed to become a stock character in the saga, as the eager stooge too dumb to be a spy. And Devin Nunes, the climate-denying mediocrity from Tulare, California, will take his place in the mythology as Trump and Putin’s most useful idiot on Capitol Hill.

    by Bob Moser / Rolling Stone
    https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-dark-twisted-failure-of-devin-nunes-w516668

    Bottom feeder filleted. (Don’t make that kinkier than necessary.)

    • Crystalclear12

      Oh god, please no sex scenes.

  • MANGO CRIMES
  • PixieThis

    I thought every sperm was sacred…

    • They are. Until the touch the sock.

  • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

    “It is still beyond us that things like 4Chan exist when there is actual human interaction available in the world, but whatever.”

    GASP!!!!!!!

    WONKETTE LIBELZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • La forza del resistino

    Hannity must have had a bad experience with an Aunt Jemima or Uncle Ben’s food box as a child. Images of black peeps be scary.

  • janecita
  • shastakoala

    I suppose Michelle’s is painted with Lady Eggs.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Got a good question for us, WaPo’s Jennifer Rubin?

    Hillary Clinton sure has reason to wonder why her home email server was such a to-do while this White House allows, presumably, a slew of characters with questionable backgrounds access to our nation’s secrets. Isn’t it time for Trump to come clean and then justify why his White House plays fast and loose with our nation’s secrets?

    I’d sure as fuck like to see the answer (I don’t expect ever to see an answer FFS.)

    • BadKitty904

      Because his Russian owner tells him to?

    • Bitter Scribe

      Rubin may have been annoying as hell when she was slagging on Obama, but give her this: When it comes to being a never-Trump conservative, she walks the talk.

    • aktlib101

      Well, funny thing, Putin is apparently the current US Envoy to the Palestinians. FFS

    • Crystalclear12

      Now over to the the New York Times!
      *crickets*

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Same as Brietbart on the issue and fox Gnus.

  • Ahh, the hyperventilating, uptight moral brigade is once again demonstrating there’s no one with a filthier mind than they.

    • Keith Taylor

      I maintain still that I hate clichés. I think perhaps using them should be one crime that is punishable by imprisonment without trial. Just the same ….
      Ain’t it the truth?

  • Bitter Scribe

    Breitbart is bitching about how some leftist meanies are sending screengrabs of Google ads on their site to the advertisers and basically saying, Do you know where Google is putting your ads?

    I like how when right-wingers put pressure on a company, it’s a good, red-blooded boycott, but when it gets done to them, it’s a “relentless effort” by a “pressure group.”

    Also note how their headline starts with “exclusive.” A thousand other news outlets were tripping over each other to get this story out, but Breitbart somehow managed to be first.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi
  • janecita
    • Daniel

      To be fair, they’ve always been keen on orange, they’re not just doing it to take the piss out of him.

    • BadKitty904

      Good.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      They are so awesome!

  • IMPOed

    Holy Fuck.. I mean.. Jesus….. where…….

    Aye Carumba!……..

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    “Get a load of this guy” is something I won’t being saying about Alex Jones’ crazy conspiracy theories anymore.

  • MOG253

    U F B

  • WhittakerWalt

    SIX-FINGERED MAN!!! Stealth Princess Bride reference!

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Which one is he pointing at Trump, by any chance…?

      • wavicles

        The middl… hey,

  • data_ninja

    So I’m not sure if this is just on my computer, but scrolling down with this makes the background of the image move, while the center piece is completely still. Not sure if intentional or just cool. (settings: smooth scroll off, scroll 3 lines at a time)
    https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/wiley2.png

    ETA: only works on the larger version of it above, not the small one in disqus.

    P.S. I am not tripping balls.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Might be an optical illusion.

      Personally, I think that background is so busy that I can totally see it being meme-shooped with the Flying Toasters or something else in the background. Or the space taco cat.

  • Me when I’ve cooked every day for the last few weeks, but today found the cupboard and fridge really bare and my best says she’ll pick up Chinese food on the way home!!!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/42598f68ce922b5424e71b01fc0aa53f5afe2ac58f6e415969696795e29f51d5.jpg

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Got more fun for us, different WaPo link?

    She dripped disdain.

    She oozed contempt.

    “If you were paying attention to what I just read to you . . .” she huffed, like an exasperated teacher reprimanding a classroom troublemaker.

    Sarah Huckabee Sanders was responding — though not really — to a reporter’s question that she claimed to have answered multiple times already.

    Sarah honey? We’re not paying attention because you aren’t telling the fucking truth. You’re welcome.

    • TJ Barke

      They have contempt for the truth in general.

  • clairence

    Obama is one of my favorite people of all time. That said, I can see how one might perceive a sperm in that meandering vein with rather large terminus. Why anyone would care is beyond me.
    However, as much as I like the O family and respect the artists’ abilities, I feel like this portrait has a too-narrow forehead and Gilbert Godfrey eyes.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I don’t like either painting as a portrait. They are fine as “art”, but I’m a grumpy old traditionalist when it comes to portraits. Not that I don’t like the concept, just that the resemblance isn’t good enough for me GET OFF OF MY LAWN

  • MANGO CRIMES

    it’s becoming increasingly clear that Turgid Love Muscle is not an outlier but a representative sample.

    • TJ Barke

      TLM might live in my town, there’s a hick truck covered in homophobic bullshit about “real men” loving Jesus.

      • redarmyzombie

        “Real men” submitting to Jesus and taking it in full?

        • TJ Barke

          I always wanna say something about real men not believing in fairy tales.

          • Meccalopolis

            Does he listen to Wicked Scepter?

      • puredog

        Unless the truck bears references to diseased splooge splashing into colons, fake news.

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        TLM is the wingnut running for governor in Massachusetts against Charlie Baker. Scott LIVELY! wants to turn Martha’s Vineyard into a prison colony for exiled residents of Provincetown.

      • MANGO CRIMES

        COME TO JESUS

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Well according to their bible he hung out with a bunch of guys in dresses for a long time.

  • Bitter Scribe

    OK, all I did this afternoon was walk through the kitchenware section of Sears and look at some pots, pans and grills without buying anything, and now I’m getting Google ads for skillets.

    This is seriously weirding me out.

    • BadKitty904

      You need to have a serious talk with your microwave.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Sears still exists? Did Jeb Bush intervene to stop them from pulling the plug or something?

      • A Gordon

        I was asked to rate a diner as soon as I left and got in my car. The business’ wifi picked up the cellphone signal searching for a connection. I’ve since turned that feature off.

    • TJ Barke

      I bought an angle grinder at my local ace, and that same night amazon was showing me promos for tools.

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        I’ve had stuff like that happen. I figured it’s my smartphone location being on.

    • You found an actual Sears store?

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        My local mall has one.

      • Bitter Scribe

        Yeah, they’re hanging on by a thread. They’re trying to sell Kenmore and DieHard to raise desperately needed cash, but so far no takers.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I suppose they promised her there would be no math.

    https://twitter.com/libbycwatson/status/963542581689901057

  • ArgieBargie

    It only makes sense that a fine Christian man like Sean Hannity is into Bukkake.

    (or is it “BuKKKake”?)

    • Clark_Nova

      Just wash the sheets.

  • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

    Am I the only one who doesn’t see it as a big deal if it IS a sperm? Whoever commissioned the painting had to have known that was one of the artist’s trademarks.

    • puredog

      I’m with you.

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        Right? I mean, someone surely *knew* that was a possibility and could have prevented it. If it had been me, I would have told Bamz and asked him if he was ok with it if it happened.

    • Daniel

      They’re happy to have sober, non-spermy pictures of genocidal murderers hanging in the White House, after all.

    • Daniel

      “Chris Ofili used what to paint my picture?!?!?”

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        That’s actually what I thought the wingnutters were saying at first.

      • Clark_Nova

        Beats elephant dung.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Sean Hannity: Get a load of the ridiculous shit I’m about to say.

    Jerome Corsi: Hold my beer:

    https://twitter.com/SocialPowerOne1/status/963515444752678912

    • cheetojeebus

      Jerome Corsi is exactly what you get if you masturbate in the gene pool

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        More like Santorum in the gene pool.

    • redarmyzombie

      Oh god, not another Republican pedophile…

      • Cletus Safari

        We otaku call them “lolicons”.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Projection with their personal obsession. You’d think they would be afraid to blurt it because it is on their (so-called) mind. But no, their side never makes the connection.

        • redarmyzombie

          I think it turns them on when they do…

          Ick!

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            That makes sense, every one likes to talk about their interests.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Obviously, hard drive inspection, STAT!

  • cheetojeebus

    Vito Acconci Libelzz!!1111

  • marxalot

    I just got back from four (work-sponsored) days in Denver. No, my arms aren’t tired. Yes, actually, it was (almost) cold enough for me. How the hell is everyone?

  • Wait, sperm? Come again?

    • BadKitty904

      Oh, come on!

    • Stein Olsen

      Cum again?…

      I apologize. Bad joke just slipped.

    • Cletus Safari

      “Jizz in my paints…”

      I’ll show myself out…

    • hudson

      it’s simultaneous news news cum conspiracy peddling. fair and un-balanced.

    • Jon Sussex

      You start seeing it everywhere when you’ve been on the beat as long as these sperm reporters.

  • Stein Olsen

    Hannity is morphing into Alex Jones before our very eyes.

    • Have you ever seen them in the same room together? If you have, leave that room immediately, nothing good could possibly happen there…

      • Stein Olsen

        The room would implode into a black hole of stupidity and lies.

  • So Hannity is guilty of anti-semenism?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    No sexual innuendo in previous portraits? I don’t know, TR looks to be playing Pocket Pool.

    • Brian Fowler

      I’d avoid the portrait of Lyndon Johnson, if I were any of you. Apparently at least once he allegedly “let it out for air.”

      In company.

      In the Oval Office.

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        FEEL THE JOHNSON!

      • KnaveOfSwords

        IIRC, LBJ was also known to invite visiting dignitaries to go skinny dipping. His reason? They’d be intimidated by the size of his Johnson, so he’d have a psychological advantage in subsequent negotiations.

        • Meccalopolis

          He’d also preside over meetings from the, er, throne room

        • Clark_Nova

          Congress-critters and their wives, who thought it politically unwise to turn down an invitation to the WH pool.

          Johnson’s Johnson, according to witnesses, was about 13″ flaccid.

          Nixon turned it into a bowling alley.

      • Clark_Nova

        Also on his ranch, in front of reporters. Of course, he asked them if they “wanted to take a picture of his pecker” first.

        • Brian Fowler

          Sheesh, between this and KnaveofSwords’ skinnydipping story, I’m starting to wonder if LBJ may have almost been as bad and Donnytwoscoops.

  • I pretty certain that for a presidential portrait, particularly of President Obama, that the artist did not insert sperms into the painting. But it’s amazing at how the wingnut right seem determined to see sperm everywhere, so… wishful thinking for them?

    • harryr

      Projection, as always

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Welp, we killed Russians in Syria.

    • BadKitty904

      If only DC was next…

    • Daniel

      A new spin on Khrushchev’s classic.

    • cheetojeebus

      I’m glad I enjoyed the last meal I ate.

    • redarmyzombie

      So…things are going to get *interesting*…

      • Cletus Safari

        Putin will understand that his Orange Puppet must appear to be independent of him, and any good Tsar knows that cannon fodder is expendable.

        • redarmyzombie

          From my understanding, the number of Russians killed could be anywhere up to 200. That’s a tall order, even for Putie-poo…

          • Cletus Safari

            200? Meh. Didn’t some Russian general say the best way to clear a minefield was to march a couple of brigades through it?

    • Tetman Callis

      They were mercenaries. The Ministry disavows all knowledge . . . .

  • But don’t right-wingers think Obama was impotent?

    • Angela Ruzzo

      They think Michelle is a man, so anything is possible with those morons.

      • Cletus Safari

        Before anyone outside of Illinois had ever heard of Obama, the wingnuts firmly believed both that Hillary was a yuri girl AND that she had Vince Foster (a Pecker-American, lest we forget) murdered to conceal that he was her lover (or else Bill had Foster murdered out of jealousy).

      • Thiazin Red

        They said the same thing about Hillary, basically women they don’t like are men.

  • Michael Smith

    This will somehow enter the wingnut lexicon of terrible things Obama did. “Oh, you’re so scandalized by OUR PRESIDENT being in a pee tape?? What about when that TRAITOR Obummer the DUMBocrap got nutted on!”

  • WilbyToad

    Man alive… how did I ever get along with five?
    https://youtu.be/uoaM9CSVN0k

    • LucindathePook

      Seriously, six-fingers runs in our family (male side), with grampa, two uncles and my boy cousin all having them.

  • Paperless Tiger

    I think we all know who has sperm on the brain.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Can somepony give me a once-over? I think I got some secret sperm on me at lunchtime…

    • Jonny On Maui

      Yer good. No pecker tracks…

    • redarmyzombie

      “lunchtime”

      Is that what kids are calling it nowadays?

  • BadKitty904

    And HAPPY MARDI GRAS, WONKETTEERS!!1!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cxDQuTK3WM

    • IMPOed

      Please dispose of your beads properly.. ;>)

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Recycle!

    • Is it pancake tuesday?!?!

      • BadKitty904

        Yes, indeedy! That’s how we started the day, in fact, as tomorrow begins Lent.

  • Couldn’t we eliminate this problem by deploying some roadside IUDs?

    • Paperless Tiger

      That’s why they like to keep the demolition men employed overseas.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi
    • Cletus Safari

      From out of the blue of the western sky comes–SKY PENIS!

  • Lyly Sirivong
  • TheGrandWazoo2

    These comments are getting a little too salty for my taste.

  • I just want to say that there is a vas deferens between people who see sperm on these paintings, and those who don’t.

  • Okay, I’m going to stop now…

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Oh yeah, that’s why I lost interest in that magazine:

    https://twitter.com/CNN/status/963520365354979328

    • ManchuCandidate

      Her? ou Elle?

    • WilbyToad

      Hisssssssssssssss

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      “Louise Linton may be the most honest person in Washington.”

      Can I say “fuck this article” from just the lede? Because I think I can.

      • Ling Ling

        Or, she might be just another grifty blonde w/no particular skills or personality. Film at 11.

      • HogeyeGrex

        Maybe she admits to fucking Mnuchin just for the money.

        • littlegreen

          He’s so attractive.

          • Seek

            And looks so young and vibrant for his age.

          • littlegreen

            I bet she’s crazy about him. Who wouldn’t be?

            Warmth, humor, and hotness… you just know he’s great in bed.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            In a Pepe the frog-like kind of way.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I read it as dishonest.

    • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

      Did she forget to put her pants on for that photo, like a common Wonkette?

    • puredog

      Low bar.

    • gallbladder

      I’m surprised she isn’t lounging on a pile of Benjamins.

      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        I thought maybe a pile of the bones of the poor would be her style.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Who?

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Cruella DeVille wannabe, flew to fort knox on the taxpayer dime with hubby (Pepe) Mnuchin.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I tried to post a pic but dickus ate it.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I would like to know who examined the portrait of Obama with such meticulous detail that they discovered what appears to be an alleged sperm on his hairline. Did they examine the original portrait, or a digital version? Did they use a magnifying glass? For what reason did they devote a significant amount of time to inspecting this portrait in such detail? I’m sure it wasn’t Hannity himself doing this.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      It was probably the same weirdos who claimed they found a dick in the movie poster for Disney’s Little Mermaid.

      https://www.snopes.com/disney/films/mermaid.asp

      • altleftjohn

        “Sometimes a spire is only a spire.”

        • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

          Darling, it’s better down where it’s wetter. Take it from me.

          • altleftjohn

            I’m totally in love with Katharine Whalen.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        This is like the famous Proctor and Gamble “Satanist” baloney.
        https://www.snopes.com/business/alliance/procter.asp

        • 3FingerPete

          I’m still pissed P&G caved on that.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          That resurfaces every decade and is believed by mouth breathers who think it is new every time.

    • 3FingerPete

      The chans have been been scrutinizing the portrait looking for all sorts of secret Illuminati Satanic child sex trafficking symbology.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Well, if they find a pizza stain on it, the shit will hit the fan.

    • 3FingerPete

      I get it!

      • data_ninja

        It took me a second.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The U.S. women’s hockey team is just abusing Russia–sorry, “the Olympic athletes from Russia,” in this year’s dumb formulation. 4-0 after two periods, shots on goal 34-9.

    • jowgajen

      I don’t see how allowing team sports is a real sanction. I mean, I get allowing the individuals who can show they are clean — no one wants a gold medal with an asterix. But whole national teams? Fuck that.

    • redarmyzombie

      Jesus, no wonder their government pumps them full of steroids…

  • La forza del resistino

    Angus the dog is out of the hunt for Kansas Guv. election. Has a bone to pick with Kobach. I thought Toto would have had a more sentimental following.
    http://www.kansascity.com/news/local/news-columns-blogs/the-buzz/article199806359.htmlhttp://www.kansascity.com/news/local/news-columns-blogs/the-buzz/article199806359.html

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Toto withdrew from the race to spend more time blessing the rains down in Africa.

    • kareemachan

      I’m getting a 404 message….

  • Anna Rompage

    Those aren’t sperm, they’re a representation of the snake from the Garden of Eden

    • Paperless Tiger

      Now I get it!

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • WilbyToad
    • Resistance Fighter Callyson
      • Ling Ling

        I think that would make a lovely tattoo. On GG. In reverse so he can read it in the mirror. After the abduction.

    • Rick Hill

      “…still believe they are being clever, sardonic, incisive and funny.”

      Gee, a conservative saying this…funny and ironic, that.(Not intentionally funny, of course)

    • IMPOed

      That’s fucking amazing, since it is Republicans are the ones obsessed with Hillary’s emails, Jesus…

      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        They have no idea when they’re being mocked. Color me shocked, since they seem so in tune with the metagame the rest of the time.

  • shastakoala

    So who’s going to pay for the forensics on this portrait?

  • SammyDEEEE

    What.

    What the fuck did I just read.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Welcome… To the Internet!!

      You new around here, handsome?

      • SammyDEEEE

        /blush
        Oh YOU.

    • Anna Rompage

      Sean Hannity swallowed a bunch of Obama’s sperm, but it turned out to be just as fake as Hannity himself…

    • Courser_Resistance

      I really don’t understand why *anyone* needs or wants to go there. I’ve read a couple of really nice art reviews of the portraits. They’re need to shit on absolutely anything to do with the Obamas is just insane.

    • Miles Monroe

      Like somebody spiked the whole countries’ water supply with bath salts, isn’t it?

  • Zombishroom

    Kehinde Wiley’s works are exquisite.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Maybe it really is art.

  • Courser_Resistance

    Interview results: I walked out before I ever got to the the interview. And I feel really good about it. The problem? I filled out their bullshit online application. Every fucking detail. I get to the office and I’m presented with the ‘Pre-application’ which asks for most of the same information PLUS ALL Personally Identifying Information needed for a Background Check. On a paper form that anyone can gain access to. I tried to explain that I’d be happy to provide the information, if needed, AFTER the interview, but no dice. I told the receptionist to go speak to ‘Jo’. The only reason I agreed to this ‘interview’ with a temp agency is because ‘Jo’ got me the job as Treasurer. (almost 10 years ago)

    Jo finally came out and greeted me warmly, asking me how I’d been. I stood up and shook her hand. Then she said, sotto voce, “We really have to have that information; this isn’t like last time.” I dropped her hand like a hot rock and said, “Then I don’t need to interview with you.” and just fucking walked out of the office, down the stairs and out of the building.

    I got both my last contract jobs without ever meeting anyone but the client for an interview and no one asked for my personally identifying information until I had the job. They’re not entitled to it PRIOR to a job offer. All I filled out with them was an agreement that the agency had my permission to submit me for the job and that I wouldn’t let anyone else submit me for that particular job. That’s it. AND those jobs paid far better than anything Jo might have for me, I’m pretty damn sure.

    So E.P. (the initials of the agency Jo works for) can just kiss my ass and fuck off. To bad I had to stress over wardrobe and drive home in rush hour.

    • msanthropesmr

      That’s a firm asking for a lawsuit.

      • Courser_Resistance

        I really feel good about standing up for myself. I’m done being a compliant little dweeb. I’ve always bent over backwards and given out whatever they asked for. These days? Not so much. The receptionist kept pointing that they’re not actually going to *run* the background check… they just want to hang onto my info? How and where? So they can run a background check on me whenever they feel like it? Without even *discussing* the available jobs?

        One of my non-profits runs a *National* check on me every 2 years (most recently last Nov) and the other one holds my completed background check form because I trust them with it. I’m not the least bit squeamish about having a background check done. But what I’m NOT doing anymore is giving that info to just any agency that asks.

        Also too, the last two agencies I’ve worked with haven’t asked for that information until I had a job offer. And those jobs pay far, far, better than most bullshit ‘temp agency’ jobs.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      I’m desperate enough that I’d actually work for that company. Heck, I’ll even work for a company that, in lieu of an interview, just has a bunch of guys named Vinny (or Vladimir) beating the shit out of me, and if I survive I get the job. Anything. Anything to get out of the mire of being unemployed and therefore an unperson. I’m 0 for, I think, 10 now in applications. This is getting to be a futile endeavor of musical chairs, because they’ve all hired “internal candidates.” I would commit seppuku before dishonoring my country by being a “taker.” But if Trump really intends to have “work requirements” for benefit services, he better damn well make sure there’s jobs to be had in the first place. We need a new WPA/CCC that plugs people in at positions directly. Not just leaving people to their own devices (pun intended) to whore themselves out “for a good time call” by sending out Dog knows how many resumes on Indeed or Canned Clam Monster dot com.

      • h4rr4r

        I know places that hire anyone who can fog a mirror. Doubt your local though.

      • no.one.2.know

        I know how that feels. I have an accredited engineering degree but every entry level job I have applied for requires 3 years experience or more.

      • Clark_Nova

        Wait until you hit 60. It’ll be 0 for 100, no matter how talented you are.

    • Companies are getting incredibly bold with their requests, I’ve noticed. Good on you for not just letting them roll over you.

  • La forza del resistino

    It’s Fat Tuesday folks. All you can eat beignets on me.

    • Anna Rompage

      I was just in NOLA and had some beignets at Cafe Du Monde

      Yummy!

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Jealous!

    • HogeyeGrex

      It’s going to be tough to get all that powdered sugar off of you.

      • La forza del resistino

        It’s my one and only kink I picked up in NOLA years ago.

        • HogeyeGrex

          You got out easy.

    • h4rr4r

      Fasnachts

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      Let the good times roll!

    • Kateaux

      Every time I had cafe au lait and beignets when I was in New Orleans, I managed to aspirate some of the powdered sugar. I’m just gifted, I guess.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Mmm, Cafe Du Monde beignets are my favorite.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Laissez les bons temps rouler

    • Clark_Nova

      Diabetic. No more beignets for me. Wahhhh.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • redarmyzombie
  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • yyyaz

      I don’t think that’s corn starch they’ve been snorting from the envelopes.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Retweeted that crap from the NYT and said this:

      “Thanks @nytimes but hell to the no. You’ve really declined since you unjustly fired @JillAbramson FFS!”

      tl;dr Fuck the NYT.

    • Parakeetist

      WTF is this shit

    • John Thorstensen

      I went through to the article. It’s about the Vice Presidential debate last year, and it’s by the great feminist writer Katha Pollitt. The title is SELF-CONSCIOUSLY IRONIC — so chill out and watch the kittehs (or get angry at something else).

    • Timely commentary on an article from 2016 with a clearly sarcastic title.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      “We Asked 7 People Who Aren’t Women How To Get More Women Involved in Punk.”

      http://thehardtimes.net/hardstyle/asked-7-people-arent-women-get-women-involved-punk/

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Well, not Ben Carson. That has got to be an attempt at humor, or a punchline from Idiocracy.

  • h4rr4r

    So 4chan is now trolling hannity, the circle of stupid is complete.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Circle of Derp

  • Sigh. You know that some of them will believe the sperm nonsense forever, even that it’s actual sperm, possibly that it’s Michelle-the-man’s sperm.

    • KC

      If anyone looks like a surgically enhanced tranny, it’s Malaria

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The Russians have video of Trump sticking gherkins up Hannity’s picklehole.

  • OddMan

    This is for you Sean Hannity.
    The Sperm Song.
    Sing along now, just change that one little word.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBcY3W5WgNU

    • 3FingerPete
      • OddMan

        How could I forget “Every Sperm is Sacred”?
        Hangs head in shame.

        Humming the Spam song.
        ‘Sperm sperm sperm sperm, sperm sperm sperm sperm.’

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • gallbladder

      Hear hear!

  • Marion in Savannah

    I love it when wingnuttia confirms for us yet again that none of them have jobs or interactions with other human beings, but live in Mommy and Daddy’s basement, circle jerking on the internet all day.

  • Khavrinen

    “If you ever wanted to see what gets Sean Hannity’s jizzes flowing”

    No!

    No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

    I don’t want to know that, I don’t want to think about that, I want to bleach my brain over the fact that I even read that sentence, ew, ew, ew.

  • chronozoan

    FOX NEWS…where stupid people go to hide from reality

  • Garbageman

    So glad the right-wing poo-brains have another Obama ‘scandal’ they can turn into a big story. In light of everything else that’s happened in the past year or so, it kinda puts everything in perspective, no?

  • VirGinYa

    Nah, that is brown colored Dijon mustard.
    Obama’s big scandal has finally been revealed.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Rachel Maddow has earned a Doctor of Philosophy in politics at the University of Oxford. Sean Hannity is a college dropout.

    • Ω cynmac asks for your excuse?

      Barely finished high school, also too.

    • stubbornirishlass

      Also earned her BA at Stanford, and is a Rhodes Scholar. Also, cute.

      Suck it, Hannity.

    • Lord Jim

      You mean she was indoctrinated in one of those elitist libtard places that try to teach people lies and waste public money?

  • Rick Hill

    We’re overdue for some librarian humor
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/a6oQ84e_460s.jpg

  • Disqus is screwing up again. (sigh)

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • puredog

      No image, bad link, but otherwise great.

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        Aw shit, looks like he deleted the tweet!

        Anyway, it said that if you’re going out to dinner tomorrow night, service will be a little slow because it’s busy, so don’t be a dick and “tip will.”

        • puredog

          And try the vill.

  • armed_bears
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Derpthongs: How is they work?

    • Clark_Nova

      It could have been “chute on site”.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Don’t tell grandma, the ones that don’t already know anyway.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I’m sure this is just a coincidence:

    https://twitter.com/kylegriffin1/status/963552151669805056

    • So, he’s “rich” just like his wife’s dad is “rich”, in that, if anyone ever called in all of their debts, they’d be tens of millions to billions in the red? Noice.

    • Khavrinen

      They’re grifting the whole fucking country and still losing money?!!?

      Sure is a good thing we elected someone to “run the country like a business”, huh?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Yeah, the business was Trump Casinos.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Maybe they don’t get the rubles untill all the sanctions are gone.

      • Clark_Nova

        They wait until the Ruble-Dollar exchange rate is favorable before counting them.

    • hudson

      i will wait till the rest of the disclosures come in. this guy and his disclosures. they put the trick in trickle down.

    • hudson

      i’m no good at finance, but these are loses are on the books, yes? and for these you get tax benefits? somebody checked the offshore accounts?

  • msanthropesmr

    I asks myself this question a lot: Don’t these motherfuckers have anything better to do? And I answers myself, no, no these fuckers have nothing better to do.

    • hudson

      these are jobless assholes with nothing better to do and apparently no real world problems. these are professional trolls.

    • They achieve sexual gratification from hate. It explains the confluence.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    ‘Round, ’round, get around, Obama gets around (according to Sean Hannity)
    https://youtu.be/65BV5dXXxzM

  • Rick Hill
  • ltmcdies

    For the 3 or 4 remaining Wonketeers who subscribe to the NYT, they’ve hired … this..

    https://twitter.com/mattmfm/status/963556684575793153?ref_src=twcamp%5Eshare%7Ctwsrc%5Em5%7Ctwgr%5Eemail%7Ctwcon%5E7046%7Ctwterm%5E1

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: that paper went to shit after it unjustly fired Jill Abramson.

      I’ll probably never give it up entirely because it has some good columnists and good international coverage, but I definitely spend less time with it than I used to FFS (and I cancelled on their sorry asses after said Abramson firing!)

      • Clark_Nova

        I only read them for the obits.

  • Cletus Safari

    Fuck hell damn shit:

    https://www.buzzfeed.com/charliewarzel/the-terrifying-future-of-fake-news?utm_term=.qx6kwOV85#.oj5GMbyn3

    What happens when nearly anyone can create lies that can’t be distinguished from truth, sometimes not even by experts?

    • data_ninja

      Here’s a pretty good video on the face swapping thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCLaeBAkFAY

    • Paperless Tiger

      Brexit happens. Trump happens. Then everybody says, “Wait a minute, something is happening!”

    • Lord Jim

      One measure I can think of off the top of my head is for originators of footage to generate an SH-256 hash when they digitize the footage – altered footage would yield a different hash value.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Cooperating with Democrats to find out what the fuck Russia did, perhaps?

    https://twitter.com/tonyschwartz/status/963511238289436672

    • OutOfOrbit

      You have hit my best guess

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      No.

  • Michael R
    • Stable Uniomist Raan

      18/10 Majestic as fuck

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      FTW!

    • Parakeetist

      SQUEE

    • msanthropesmr

      13/10 .Would reelect

      • Michael R

        butter ( cup ) emails !!!

    • JoeChristmas

      What’s up, buttercup?

    • Wuulf

      I don’t see the sperm.

  • I’m embarrassed I read a whole article about this, and for the author who had to write it, for his relatives, casual acquaintances, Olympians in South Korea who may hear of it peripherally, their pets and their sperm.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Some random meteor can hit Alex Jones’ studio not a moment too soon.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Sean sucks secret sperm by the sea shore

    • WilbyToad

      Can’t even say it once.

      • Cletus Safari

        Just say “Sean sucks”; it’s accurate enough.

  • JDM

    You know, It’s so comforting when I’m driving down the highway to realize that 20-30% of the people driving in the opposite lane are insane enough to believe idiocy like this. It’s not frightening AT ALL.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Damm you I hadn’t made that connect!

    • h4rr4r

      They aren’t equally distributed. So it might be 5% or 50%!

    • AJ Milne

      I like to imagine–especially in marginal driving conditions–that, as a rule, these belong to segments of society that as a rule a) don’t leave their basements, b) don’t leave the institution to which the state has consigned them, and/or c) have been forbidden for safety reasons from operating machinery heavier or more complex than a paper clip.

      … please do not disabuse me of this notion. I have to drive a _lot_.

  • Jones and Hannity are secretly sexually attracted to Obama and fantasize that it’s their sperm.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      This

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      That would explain the obsession.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Did you know that sperm cells are actually laser shooting robots ?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HC2O_limvyg

  • Hey, when all you have is serious self-loathing about your secret homosexual desires, everything looks like sperm, amirite?

    • Lord Jim

      Come again?

  • goonemeritus

    If I can longer trust Hannity or Alex Jones how will I ever know when to stock my bunker?

    • ManchuCandidate

      Only Jones Sperm. GMO and Fact free Man seed.

    • If your bunker isn’t already stocked, you’re too late. Tsk.

  • ManchuCandidate

    The only unfunny fact is that a significant minority of US Amercians will swallow this story.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    If you don’t know the story of Judith beheading Holofernes, could you please read a damn Bible once in a while?

    Actually, the Judith story is not in the Bible, but is part of the Apocrypha, i.e. those texts that the Council of Nicaea decided were Not Bible Enough for their stank asses.

    • h4rr4r

      I love telling Christians about the council of Nicaea, non-Catholics never know about how the Bible was composed.

      • Cletus Safari

        I fear some of my brethren and sistren think the people of the Bible actually spoke early 17th-Century English.

        • Johnatx

          Verily and forsuth

        • and Jeebus was a white, long haired, bearded hippie on a T-Rex/Raptor depending on the edition.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          The first woman governor of Texas is reputed to have said, when asked about teaching foreign languages in Texas schools, “If English was good enough for Jesus, then it’s good enough for the school children of Texas.”

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            OMFG. Now that’s ignorance at its finest.

      • Lutherans know.

        • h4rr4r

          AKA Catholic-lite

          • yep. Catholic sans theatrics and lavish interior decor.

          • h4rr4r

            Yeah, boring.

          • that’s putting it mildly.

          • Lord Jim

            But with extra self-righteousness – Missouri Synod, at least. :)

          • well, what do you expect from a sect that was started by an extra self-righteous bigot and virulent anti-semite?

          • Lord Jim

            Fair point.

          • Arolpin

            I think that’s the Episcopalians; all of the ceremony, half of the guilt.

        • Blanche de Shambles

          Who knows how to bring both hot and cold potato salad to a pot luck?

          Lutherans Know.

          Who knows what can and cannot go into a jello mold?

          Lutherans Know.

          Who knows how to subtly undermine your cousin Anna’s confidence in her child raising ability?

          Lutherans Know

          This message brought to you by the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, Northwestern Minnesota Synod.

          • Hemp Dogbane

            Waves from SW MN Synod.

          • guilt tripping and passive aggressiveness are mandatory. it’s in the creed somewhere.

      • It’s an anthology with a long and difficult editorial process.

        • yyyaz

          Not so difficult really.
          Majority: You don’t like it, leave your head in the basket.

      • Ellie

        And why don’t they know about it? I learned about it as a small child, and I taught about it in Sunday School. I’m glad someone is telling them, and shame on them for not knowing church history.

        • h4rr4r

          My understanding is Protestants and especially Evangelicals believe the Bible is the word of God so clearly it wouldn’t need any editors.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I got in a rather heated discussion about it with some self proclaimed theologian at Barnes and Noble. Because HE had never heard of it, it simply didn’t exist.

        • Ellie

          Picking jaw up from floor. So, I suppose this “theologian” would not be familiar with the centuries long debate about the filioque clause controversy either.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            So was I at the time. Council of Nicea, never heard of it, none of the various meetings and was not familiar with Augustine of Hippo’s contributions either. I said what kind of theologian isn’t familiar with his own formation of doctrine? I’m not even a practitioner of religion and I know of them.

    • Cletus Safari

      The Catholic Church, IIUC, regards some of the Apocryphal texts as legitimate Scripture, as do the Eastern Orthodox churches, while most of the Protestant churches do not.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Still, you won’t find it by reading the Bible is the point.

        • Parakeetist

          Protestants are the minority in the world. Most Christians are either Catholic or Orthodox. You will find it in their Bibles.

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            Interesting. Thanks.

          • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

            Only my protestant sect is the REAL TRUE CHRISTIANS

            founded by the holy and kind Henry VIII

          • Blanche de Shambles

            Oh, yes- good King Henry and his Psychotic Bastard Religion…I mean Church of England.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ope-1Zb5t-k

          • Ellie

            I’m Episcopalian. We’re the people the C of E warned you about.

          • Hemp Dogbane

            Some of the nuttier Lutherans are also warning about you people.

          • Ω cynmac asks for your excuse?

            Me too.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Because he wanted to get a younger trophy wife. Repeatedly.

        • Cletus Safari

          Depends on which Bible. My copy of the New Revised Standard Version includes the Apocrypha, though some other editions of the NRSV do not.

          • Lord Jim

            Our discussion is foundering on the confusion between τα βιβλια “the books” and qanon, “canon”, “authoritative writings”.

        • we had an old German Lutheran family Bible from the mid 1800s where the Apocrypha were an appendix.

    • therblig

      i don’t know what religion you people are getting this from

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1J_JnH1e18

      • Clark_Nova

        The Christian religion of Peace, of course.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Well that got dark

    • Ellie

      But, they left in Jael and Sisera. Jael shockingly kills Sisera after he falls asleep, by pounding a tent peg through his temple. More interesting story, anyway because it shows what might happen if a man won’t take the advice of a woman who knows what she’s talking about. It’s in Judges, but I confess, I don’t remember exactly where.

      • Werewolf

        The Council of Nicaea had nothing to do with he canonization of the Book of Judges-that was us Joos.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Scott Phillips

    Spermity is up to his neck in Obama jokes.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So I was taking a good look at Sarah Sanders today. She’s not really cock-eyed; her eye sockets are placed way too close together and they’re too small for her huge fish eyes. In addition, the shape of the left one is all fucked up, like a kid’s poor attempt to draw an oval.

    • Bobathonic

      So she’s more like “When anime goes wrong”?

  • So Hannity and Jones cover this kind of made-up Pizzagate shit constantly – but have they EVER covered the very real horrific sex trafficking shit that Trumpers do , like this Trump campaign chair who was plying underaged girls with drugs for sex? https://www.rawstory.com/2018/02/ex-judge-gets-20-years-sexual-abuse-trafficking-teens-serving-trump-campaign-co-chair/

    • Clark_Nova

      Well, what else can you ply them with, these days?

  • msanthropesmr

    So what if it is a sperm? That just goes in a long tradition of the illuminati’s placement of phallic symbols everywhere, like the giant penis on the one dollar bill if you fold it just right.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • moeman

    Roger Ailes just jizzed, in Hell.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    I’m going to a book signing and talk with David Frum for his book “Trumpocracy” at McNally-Robinson booksellers in Winnipeg tomorrow. Should be interesting.

    • Throw maple syrup at him and tell him to go back to Amurrica

    • moeman

      Tell him you miss his mother Barbara and that he should respect her more.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Ask him if he’s still carrying water for Cheney and Rumsfeld’s illegal war.

    • “M”

      Ask him what we need to tell the cybersecurity forces to do, since it’s obvious Kompromat 45 has no plans to do anything.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Ding-dong? What are they four years old? It’s a fucking penis.

  • Roadstergal

    Jones and Hannity are more obsessed with sperm than I am. (For those who have not had the misfortune to be near me at a party, that’s saying something, BTW.)

    • Parakeetist

      TMI

    • Blanche de Shambles

      They’re more obsessed with sperm than the people who bring blacklights to hotels.

      • AJ Milne

        ‘So how did you get into forensic crime scene work?’

        ‘Labor of love. From the beginning.’

        ‘I know what you mean. The chase. Solving it. Teasing the truth out, however cleverly hidden. The sheer joy of puzzles.’

        ‘Not really. More: I’ve just always been really into bodily fluids.’

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      You sound like fun!

  • Christopher Story
    • Parakeetist

      Squee

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    CNN: Trump still unconvinced Russia meddled in 2016 election

    And Ted Bundy is still unconvinced he murdered all those people.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      NO NECROPHILIA! NO NECROPHILIA! YOU’RE THE NECROPHILIA!

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      And the ladies who have had the misfortune of seeing it are still laughing.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Blanche de Shambles

    I hope everyone out there is having a solemn and respectful Shrove Tuesday.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUPkvv4H0V0

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Im1b9gn9SrQ

    • Friday’s_cat

      Sadly no, the missus got the world’s worst fasnachts from the local supermarket chain. They were a titanic conglomeration of everything bad including too much salt.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      So, does one draw an ashen Valentine on one’s forehead tomorrow?

  • lroom

    Man TLM would love this post.

    • Parakeetist

      I’m surprised he hasn’t been here already. Poor thing should just come out and be happy with himself.

    • La forza del resistino

      Repeat TLM 2 more times and he’ll appear. But Don’t.
      I just used up 1x.

      • Ω cynmac asks for your excuse?

        Beetlejuice Libelz!11!!!1

  • Bill D. Burger
  • williams517
  • Bill D. Burger

    ~snort~ ___ Rick Wilson responds to Hannity.

    https://twitter.com/TheRickWilson/status/963484947129487361

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    “For a hundred years or more the world, our world, has been dying. And not one man, in these last hundred years or so, has been crazy enough to put a bomb up the asshole of creation and set it off. The world is rotting away, dying piecemeal. But it needs the coup de grace, it needs to be blown to smithereens. Not one of us is intact, and yet we have in us all the continents and the seas between the continents and the birds of the air. We are going to put it down ― the evolution of this world which has died but which has not been buried.”
    ― Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

  • La forza del resistino

    Mooch: Call me Donald. I’m not too busy these days and can straighten things out like in the old neighborhood BadaBingBadaBoom.
    https://twitter.com/Scaramucci/status/963477557202038795

    • Rick Hill

      Yeah they were warned and the likely response was “THIS? This is what you’re holding the security clearance for?”

    • data_ninja

      I’m still pretty sure the whole reason the Porter was forced to resign was to make both the FBI and John Kelly look bad (because clearly the administration has no problem with domestic abusers). Now that the FBI is swinging back, I’m wondering if Kelly will do the same.

      • La forza del resistino

        Schumer warned months ago, the FBI can screw you 6 ways from Sunday. (must be a Brooklyn idiom, but we get it)

    • Has he tried the “bitch set me up” defence yet?

  • Uncle Zor

    Trump whispers sweet nothings into Mike Pence’s puckered ear:
    https://twitter.com/Rschooley/status/963463092112785408

  • AJ Milne

    (Reads headline…)

    (Reflects that he has lost ‘guess the weirdest headline on Wonkette this week’ for 52 weeks running, now…)

    I begin to suspect not only that the universe is more annoyingly stupid than we imagine, but more annoyingly stupid than we _can_ imagine.

    –Not Haldane (but I bet he thought that, too, sometimes.)

  • Cletus Safari

    “WTF? Another girl is giving me a Valentine’s Day gift?”

    https://i.imgur.com/t4ci1DX.jpg

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    I did Nazi this coming from the Trump administration.

    abcnews.go.com/Politics/sessions-draws-fire-anglo-american-heritage-remark-sheriffs/story?id=53038847

    I want to thank every sheriff in America. Since our founding, the independently elected sheriff has been the people’s protector, who keeps law enforcement close to, and accountable to, people through the elected process,” said Sessions, adding, “The office of sheriff is a critical part of the Anglo-American heritage of law enforcement.

    • I can hear the dog whistle from my house.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        They got rid of the dog whistle and are just yelling it out now.

        • Cletus Safari

          Hell, that’s the “secret” of Trump’s political success (well, the part that can’t be attributed to cheating by Rethuglicans and Russians–but I repeat myself): He just traded the dog-whistle for a bullhorn, offering bigots the chance to come out of the bigot closet, and the vast population of closeted bigots responded with orgasmic joy.

    • Ling Ling

      SovCits are reving up their trucks as I type

      • Gosala

        I always read that as “Soviet Citizens. ” If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

    • Hemp Dogbane

      Patriots ! Get the flags. We’re takin’ the trucks out on I-35 agin’ in honor of this truth from J-Bo! 1!!!

    • Gosala

      Yeah, Jeffy is a racist of the worst kind, but this is not an example.

      When I was in school (admittedly in the middle ages) “Anglo-American law” was not in contrast to some other American legal tradition, but rather to the Continental and Roman legal traditions. *

      (That said, the use of the phrase was gratuitous — and wrong also too: the English shire reeves {sheriff} had close continental analogs in the the Comes {whence Count})

      *Edit: In my opinion for what little it’s worth, it’s really the English Legal tradition. The American part is pretty much American “me-too”ism

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        With the other racist comments from this administration and their supporters the phrase just comes across as very racist.

      • puredog

        I believe the usual usage is “Anglo-Saxon legal traditions” or the like. “Anglo-American law” is a clanger.

        • Gosala

          Well, it’s what my professors used. Maybe they were a weird minority.

      • Clark_Nova

        Shire Reeves is plural. Shire Reef is singular.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      While it is technically accurate, if he didn’t want to be a racist asshole he woulda said something like, “Today’s Sheriffs trace their history back to traditions brought to America by the early English colonists,” or some such.

    • *sigh* can I just remind everyone how completely insane it is to elect sheriffs and judges? It’s just a recipe for corruption all the way through.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        Yeah, I see campaign flyers fro both saying “I put away all the drug dealers” or things to that effect. Its like, your not even hearing cases on the merits are you? Just going for campaign slogans and tough on crime.

        • That and the “Hey, if you donate to my campaign, that speeding ticket may disappear…” angle also, too.

      • Gosala

        There’s no good answer. The Federal appointment system gave us Alito, Thomas, Scalia, Taney…

  • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

    I must’ve missed something. What is the “NEVER DIE” now at the end of all Mssr. Hurst’s posts in reference to?

    • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

      LORAX 2020: NEVER DIE

      • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

        I want a t-shirt.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Hannity is the bent-tail sperm of wingnut media.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Tweety just quoted Dame Noonington, “You can’t really blackmail Trump.”
    Um…. HELLO!!?

    • This isn’t about blackmail, though… This is essentially loan sharking. He owes them SO MUCH MONEY, that he has to do whatever they say or they will literally, not figuratively, kill him and everyone he loves (so… Him and Ivanka I guess?)

      • Christopher Story

        Him and his favorite mirror

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        JFK conspiracy theories libel.

      • Toomush Stability

        Are you saying that letter to Don Jr. was just a warning?…

    • Christopher Story

      She still pops a lady boner every time she swoons over Regan.

    • miss_grundy

      Really? I think the Russians have him over a barrel.

  • Thorn Spike

    Sadly, with Schmannity, the world is guaranteed to get stupider, with every second of airtime.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Russia has a curler who’s hella cute. Apparently she recently married her teammate. (I wonder which one sweeps the floors?)

  • wass_up

    Hannity suffers from (CSSCD) Cranium Secret Sperm Conflict Disorder) this is where the defective brian imagines things in order to appease the jealousy gene. There is no cure for this disorder, however doctors are able to treat it by packing both ears with toilet paper.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    Sean Hannity Swallows Obama’s Fake Sperm Then Spits It Back Up: A Play In Three Very Stupid Acts

    Just one question, does Jeanine Pirro get sloppy seconds?

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Sean Hannity or as I call him “Snowball”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_A58231NFk

    • gallbladder

      Great film.

  • Toomush Stability

    I’m sorry. I’m supposed to hate actions, not people, but…

  • (((Secret Agent Sedagive)))

    You know, seeing Obama’s presidential portrait in the context of all the others makes me realize that the nagging little suspicion I had during his presidency – that we had finally reached the mountaintop – might very well have been correct.

    Despite all the things that bothered me about his tenure (some bad environmental calls, drone strikes, etc.), I went to bed and woke up with a sense that sanity had been restored to this country. I had the sense (especially whenever Michelle Obama was involved) that America had, despite everything, finally fulfilled her promise to be a moral leader of nations – that we might help shepherd humanity into as promising a future as could be secured.

    It’s all blown to hell now of course. This country is sick in its very core. We’re not just descending the mountain, we’re plummeting from the heights.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      we fell right off a cliff

      • (((Secret Agent Sedagive)))

        Ah, but what a view we had!

        • gallbladder

          It is my own hope that you have it again.

          • (((Secret Agent Sedagive)))

            Many of us are working toward it. We really are.

            But we’ve dug ourselves a deep trench for sure.

        • CripesAmighty
  • Count Awesome

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/32c6082b509aaa2c80295bcb4911e6c27f87c45574a1301b5ad0311d49c0065f.jpg

    Hannity sees a bunch of sperm made out of sperm in EVERY Rorschach image.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Sperm-on-sperm action!

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      (Yes the onion did it first but it is also a real letter)

      https://twitter.com/fakedansavage/status/749005331909341184

      • Parakeetist

        I don’t really like Dan Savage. I’m glad he helped kids with the It Gets Better project. Other than that, not my style.

        • puredog

          He does have his asshole side. To his credit, he doesn’t really even bother to deny it.

          • Parakeetist

            ‘Kay then.

    • Bub, Secret Society zombie

      Psychologist administers Rohrschach test to Hannity. All his responses are lurid, extremely detailed sexual fantasies. Psychologist says “You seem to have an unhealthy obsession with sex.”
      Hannity replies: “Me? You’re the one who keeps showing me all the dirty pictures!”

      • puredog

        Ba-dum-tish.

      • Count Awesome

        “I don’t know if it’s smut, but I like it!”
        –Hannity

  • BreakingDeadMen

    so, he gets his news from a source that casually drops n bombs. seems about right.

    • The Wanderer

      Of course! He probably wanks to 4chan.

  • miss_grundy

    Who cares what Shamnity thinks! But this story from Daily Kos makes me LOL: The Hon. Gonzalo Curiel will preside over a wall case. https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2018/2/6/1739252/-Judge-Curiel-once-attacked-by-Trump-for-his-Mexican-heritage-to-preside-over-wall-case?detail=emailLL

    • The Wanderer

      The irony is palpable.

  • Toomush Stability

    Is this the open thread? Because I want you all to know I got the first coat of mud and tape in the addition done. Mrs. Toomush isn’t here to give me a prize….

    • Parakeetist

      I’ll pretend to high-five you.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Try me again once the texture is on.

      • Toomush Stability

        No texture! No texture! You’re the texture!….

    • puredog

      Start sanding! Your prize is powdered mud all over your alveolar sacs.

      • h4rr4r

        Wear a damn mask!
        No really.

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Congrats! Mud and tape, though? I’m unfamiliar with this construction method.

      • h4rr4r

        He hung sheetrock, the mud and tape is for the seams.

        • Martini A, very stable genius

          Mud = spackle?

          • h4rr4r

            Not quite.

            Mud is joint compound. Spackle is for filling holes.

            http://homeguides.sfgate.com/difference-between-drywall-mud-interior-spackling-paste-91786.html

          • Martini A, very stable genius

            I’m never gonna make it in construction school.

          • h4rr4r

            The joys of being a home owner.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            What is the construction slang definition of the word “sperm” as in the sentence, “Well I hosed on the sperm but I’ll have to wait for it to set before I trowel on the smegma?”

    • Red Bird on a Shithouse

      Well done! Have a cookie.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I suppose it was inevitable that the NYT would hire someone who has Nazi friends some day, so why not today?
    https://twitter.com/ParkerMolloy/status/963559461259444224

    • gallbladder

      More fresh hell, baked daily.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Balance_fallacy

      The balance fallacy is an informal logical fallacy that occurs when two sides of an argument are assumed to have equal or comparable value regardless of their respective merits, which (in turn) can lead to the conclusion that the answer to a problem is always to be found between two extremes. The latter is effectively an inverse false dilemma, discarding the two extremes rather than the middle.

    • Uncle Zor

      Ooh yeah, drag them.

    • AJ Milne

      It frightens me, a little, that I have lived to see an era in which McSweeney’s ‘Snark level: weaponized’ quality no longer seems even remotely gratuitous.

  • CindyinEncinitas
    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Strangely hypnotic. That’s going to turn me ghey.

    • h4rr4r

      What made someone paint that?
      Is there some message here beyond don’t take whatever drugs this artist took?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I think the artist was attempting some kind of subtle symbolism though what the symbol was escapes me. Other than the uncircumcised ding-dong, off course.

        • h4rr4r

          If she touched it, Satan would pass out. No way that body has enough blood for the equipment.

      • redarmyzombie

        There were some boooored monks in the middle ages…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Perhaps the message was “Size Matters.”

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Apparently, Satan is not actually Jewish.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    According to Alex Jones, Nobama shot his Monsanto sperm all over Murica and that is why we have so many ghey frogs

  • SayItWithWookies

    So 4Chan creates the sperm rumor and then Hannity picks it up and it on, giving it legitimacy. But where did Hannity get the news from? How does 4Chan know how to channel it to places Hannity’ll pick it up? That would make an interesting story.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      From Assange’s back door?

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        Ew.

      • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

        “Drip drip,” ass they say.

    • yyyaz

      I’d bet he has a few rent-boys on staff whose job is to monitor all the RWNJ sites.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      One word, I’m just going to leave it out there:

      Futa.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Okay, I’m stumped — all I’ve found is either a Japanese word for a hermaphrodite or the Federal Unemployment Tax Act, neither of which seems to apply.

        • Blanche de Shambles

          OK, google image “futanari” with safe search off, then burn your computer.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Oh okay — that’s the Japanese anime hermaphrodite term.

          • Blanche de Shambles

            Yeah, but it gets super weird.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Oh dear — I might wait for a better time.

    • redarmyzombie

      I’m not sure “legitimacy” is the word I’d use…

  • msanthropesmr

    You wanna hear Roger Stone’s ass handed to him?

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/w3csvpvy

    • gallbladder

      Did Sackur do the interview? I have been waiting for just such a day.

      • msanthropesmr

        Yep.

  • altleftjohn

    Hannity, the origin story. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eJEU8UKMXTs

    • jenny_whyme

      Every sperm is sacred.

  • WilbyToad

    People are remarking on how Steve Schmidt tore Donald a new one today, and he definitely did. But this exchange between him and Nicole Wallace irked me:

    “Steve, I want you to see if you can come up with any parallel. I reached back through the Palin years, to the Bush years and we were deeply flawed. We made more mistakes before lunch than most people in normal jobs make in five years. But I can’t remember the depravity that I see in this White House,” Wallace admitted.

    “That’s for sure,” Schmidt confirmed.

    Well Trump has yet to match the specific depravity of 750,000 “collateral” innocent civilian deaths in an illegal war based on a momentous lie in the cause of region building. You don’t get to rehabilitate Bush as a clumsy lovable bumbler. Never.

    If you want to watch Steve do Donald’s sphincter resizing though, it’s still good TV.
    https://youtu.be/Za6WdahWq_w

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Do not give the Trump administration any ideas.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Watched that earlier today and gave Schmidt a standing ovation as the torched The Fucking Moron. :)

    • Paperless Tiger

      Bush may not have had much choice. Aside from all the phony evidence, there was real evidence of a military alliance forming between Iraq and Iran, which would constitute an existential threat to Israel. If you’ll notice, the real effect of all these recent wars is not nation building but nation destroying, or at least balkanization into feuding mini-states. That is the condition in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and Libya now. That may be intentional.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m not sure which alliance between Iraq and Iran you’re referring to. There sure as shit has never been any love lost between Sadaam’s Sunnis and the Shia than run Iran.

        • Paperless Tiger

          The one where Iraq sent it’s best jet fighters to Iran for safe keeping during the Iraq War. They were stationed and manned by Iraqi pilots there. They may still be.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I don’t know enough about that to comment intelligently, but I’m not too inclined to give Cheney and Rumseld a pass on that genocidal clusterfuck that rears its ugly head to this day. What I am pretty sure of is that religious enmity between Shia and Sunni precludes any real sustained cooperation, something the Bush administration, in their colossal ignorance, didn’t seem to understand. The Koran isn’t kind to infidels, but it’s a lot harder on apostates. These guys have been pledged to eradicate one another for 1300 years.

          • Lord Jim

            See “Office of Special Plans”

            And MoJo’s “The Lie Factory

            It was always about cooking the data.

            From The Guardian, cited in the Wiki article:

            The OSP was an open and largely unfiltered conduit to the White House not only for the Iraqi opposition. It also forged close ties to a parallel, ad hoc intelligence operation inside Ariel Sharon’s office in Israel specifically to bypass Mossad and provide the Bush administration with more alarmist reports on Saddam’s Iraq than Mossad was prepared to authorise.

            “None of the Israelis who came were cleared into the Pentagon through normal channels,” said one source familiar with the visits. Instead, they were waved in on Mr Feith’s authority without having to fill in the usual forms.

            The exchange of information continued a long-standing relationship with Mr Feith and other Washington neo-conservatives had with Israel’s Likud party.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I think it is perilous to forget how completely they cherrypicked the intel they liked, and mocked and tried to debunk what they didn’t like…which happened to be the vast majority of credible information.

      • Werewolf

        By the way, the Israeli government at the time advised against an invasion of Iraq, correctly predicting that it would become a quagmire. Yes, I know Bibi (soon to be indicted!) Netanyahu was shilling for the war, but he was an opposition parliamentarian at the time.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I enjoy her and Steve Schmidt’s loathing of Trump, but I’ll never forget who they worked for and what they helped foist on us.

    • Rick Hill

      Struggling because they can’t figure a way to lie about it and make them seem like they were right all along

    • Toomush Stability

      These are both Republicans….

  • CindyinEncinitas
  • OrG

    That’s why we call him lumpy.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “The Portrait of an Artist as a Horny Young Man”

    Painting with…ectoplasm…yeah, that’s the ticket.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/l0HlRJDMdblulGwz6/giphy.gif

    • janecita

      Ewwww!

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      “He slimed me.” — Peter Venkmann

  • Cogswell that ends well
    • IMPOed

      I always upvote Betty Bowers!! ;>)

    • CripesAmighty

      Slight amendment to item 6:
      Everyone lies about everything, always.

  • CindyinEncinitas
  • Cogswell that ends well
    • Red Bird on a Shithouse

      This is a trend I could get used to.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Tweety bleating about all the people who feel that the Democratic party has forgotten about them. Oh no, let’s flagellate ourselves trying to find a strategy to get the knuckle-dragging racists and wife beaters back into our ranks.

    • Johnatx

      So, he’s taking a break from hawking his book on Bobby Kennedy? For the life of me, I can’t figure out why he still has a show

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Mediocre white men always get the benefit of the doubt.

    • his firmware only has two settings:

      1: hawk new book

      2: complain about the forgotten white working class in the heartland and, by the way, did you know he’s from Philly?

      and both settings are buggy as fuck.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        3. remind self to ask a question then immediately interrupt and talk over that person.

  • janecita
    • has Louise found hers yet?

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      “Regular People can speak to me?! Why, I never thought that would happen!”

    • Lord Jim

      Fiddling while Rome burns…

    • Honestly, nobody should care what that woman has to say about anything.

    • CripesAmighty

      Wonder if Gulfstream makes tumbrils?

  • (((Secret Agent Sedagive)))

    Frustrated as I am with NPR, they have done a great job calling out Reclaim New York as a Mercer/Bannon backed ultra-conservative political outfit: https://www.wnyc.org/story/trumps-army-battle-new-york/

    For the last few days I’ve heard multiple stories on NPR about how Reclaim is a Trumpian attempt to make over New York’s (and thus America’s) political landscape. They’ve done great reporting on this. Reclaim New York insists that it’s non-partisan, but its board, its founders and its activists are far-right actors (Kellyanne Conway is even involved). Their spokesman said they’re “working with Democrats” but he couldn’t name a single one.

    NPR even called out the New York Times for refusing to identify Reclaim New York as partisan.

    The Mercers and the Kochs are going to buy this country one state at a time.

    • redarmyzombie

      They can try. I’ll be damned if it’s gonna happen without a fight.

      • Ling Ling

        The Free California Air Force flies tonight!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Everyone who has looked at Hannity for more than a few seconds inevitably thinks the same thing: “THAT’S the sperm that won?”

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      I blame the Argentinian test tube experiment.

    • AJ Milne

      It’s something of a point of discussion in evolutionary biology… Call it a counterpoint to naive adaptationism… That, in fact, much of evolutionary change is due to contingency, chance, things like the founder effect, drift in which a critical mass of alleles just wins out from mathematics… It’s really not always about being that little bit better adapted to your environment. Sometimes, you just get lucky…

      And sometimes you look at what actually comes out the other end of that, and you just think: ‘Nature, what the _hell_, now?’

      • javadavis

        I believe that barnacle sex and reproduction contributed to Darwin’s research on evolution.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      The lumpiest sperm won…

    • “M”

      He looks — and sounds — like a chewed pork chop.

  • Wait the sperm is on the forehead and not the hair???

    Oh.

  • Marceline

    This whole article is one big dog whistle to Turgid Love Muscle. I can hear him flapping his leathery wings as he races here from his mother’s basement.

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      Turgid’s “dog whistle?”

      Actually a skin flute.

  • TJ Barke

    Alex Jones needs less drugs, or maybe more, either way he’s not taking the right amount.

    • gallbladder

      It would certainly help explain things.

    • He does seem to have a bit of that cocaine paranoia about him, doesn’t he? Of course, if he was on cocaine, he’d be slimmer…

      • Lord Jim

        Needz moar BBQ sauce.

  • Ninja0980

    https://twitter.com/ParkerMolloy/status/963550502150647808
    Some gems from the newest member of the NY Times Editorial board!

  • Left Coast Tom

    Devin Nunes (R-Kremlin), nominally representing a farm district in the Central Valley, fled something called the “World Ag Expo” in his hometown of Tulare, CA after constituents/protesters wanted to know about his memo nonsense.

    • run, Devin! RUN!!!

    • TJ Barke

      Profile in courage.

    • Gosala

      Stupid globalists, invading poor Devin’s safe space.

      • Werewolf

        There are Joos in Tulare?

  • Gosala

    Democratic whip is agin’ it. The ACLU is agin’ it. Any disability organization you care to name is agin’ it. The Nation is agin’ it. Members of Adapt were arrested tonight protesting on the Hill.

    What is it? The skulldugery afoot in Congress to make it even harder for people with disabilities to buy wild extravagancies like clothes or food, or even to pee whilst out spending their ill-gotten SSD riches.

    The ADA already puts the onus on people with disabilities to bring business people who don’t want to be bothered to let gimps into their establishments and affords multiple protections to small businesses.

    HB 620 would add to the burden, requiring hyperspecific details as to the nature of the “obstacle” and allowing essentially unlimited delays by the business as long as they claim “substantive progress” (sort of like America’s “substantive progress” toward racial and gender equality)

    HB 620 is being pushed as a protection for small businesses (did I mention the ADA already has such protections) and the lobbying is being largely funded by LARGE businesses and being sponsored by the usual Congressional New Cruelty Caucus.

    Anyway, here’s a couple of linky things, including one to a myth/fact FAQ

    https://www.aclu.org/blog/disability-rights/congress-wants-change-americans-disabilities-act-and-undermine-civil-rights

    https://qz.com/994853/republicans-in-congress-think-the-americans-with-disabilities-act-is-too-easy-to-game-so-they-want-to-make-it-harder-to-enforce/

    https://www.aclu.org/other/hr-620-myths-and-truths-about-ada-education-and-reform-act

    https://www.aapd.com/urgent-action-dont-let-congress-chip-away-at-the-ada/

    https://nfb.org/oppose-hr620-fact-sheet

    https://dredf.org/hr620/

    • Toomush Stability

      Thanks!…

      • Gosala

        Your welcome.

  • msanthropesmr
    • Parakeetist

      I hear someone opening a treat bag

      • msanthropesmr

        He got some carrots.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      ‘When are you going to take me in for a better haircut?”

      • msanthropesmr

        It’s taking forever to grow back.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          There’s got to be some kind of canine toupee out there somewhere on the interwebs.

          • Left Coast Tom

            At least the doggie’s not wearing a dead ferret like Little Donnie.

    • gallbladder

      Beanie!

    • Doug Langley

      Hi Beanie!

    • Ellie

      He has a very sweet face.

  • Red Bird on a Shithouse

    Open thread musings: I’m glad I was a teenager before the internet because the internet is forever. I’m also glad my 20’s weren’t recorded on Facebook because if you’re really having fun, you don’t have time to think about documenting it. I’m going to go be old now.

    • Ninja0980

      I’m glad Facebook and those other things were just starting to take off when I was in school.
      Means most of the stupid or crazy stuff we didn’t didn’t haunt us forever.

      • Red Bird on a Shithouse

        The internet was “a thing” when I was in my 20’s but not everyone used it and email was still considered new. IM was cutting edge. By the time I became aware of Facebook I was already too old to care about it beyond the basic functions.

        • Ninja0980

          It was my senior year of college that it came out so we didn’t care about it as much either.

    • Toomush Stability

      I’m old, too. Old enough to realize the Internet is not forever. It’s hardly a decade. By then software will be so changed as to be unintelligible. All the shit I wrote on WordPerfect in the 70s and 80s is gone forever….

      • Left Coast Tom

        I was on the internet in the late 1980s.

        • Ellie

          I think it must have been 88 or 89 for me. We had Compuserve. But we had a computer before that. The first game I ever played was Hunt the Wumpus.

          • Left Coast Tom

            Ah, I forgot about dial-up bulletin boards…mid-80s.

            I never had to deal with UUCP email addressing, but stories about it were still fresh.

        • Meccalopolis

          I was on DARPANET in the early 90s

      • Red Bird on a Shithouse

        You think? I’m sure someone can figure out a way to read it.

      • Lord Jim

        Open them in a plain text editor – it should just be text with markup. If you knew a clever-monkey Linux hacker, they could probably whip up a shell script to use sed and gawk to strip out the markup.

    • Doug Langley

      Reminds me. Last night saw a Columbo rerun. A couple of spoiled brat college students were caught cheating and prof was gonna expel them. So they cooked up a scheme to off him while attending Columbo’s class. (What an alibi!) Boy, was it fun when they were taken down.

      • Red Bird on a Shithouse

        Not quite. But okay.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    Yet another reason to avoid Salon

    https://arstechnica.com/information-technology/2018/02/salon-to-ad-blockers-can-we-use-your-browser-to-mine-cryptocurrency/

    Salon.com has a new, cryptocurrency-driven strategy for making money when readers block ads. If you want to read Salon without seeing ads, you can do so—as long as you let the website use your spare computing power to mine some coins.

    If you visit Salon with an ad blocker enabled, you might see a pop-up that asks you to disable the ad blocker or “Block ads by allowing Salon to use your unused computing power.”

    Salon explains what’s going on in a new FAQ. “How does Salon make money by using my processing power?” the FAQ says. “We intend to use a small percentage of your spare processing power to contribute to the advancement of technological discovery, evolution, and innovation. For our beta program, we’ll start by applying your processing power to help support the evolution and growth of blockchain technology and cryptocurrencies.”

    • Toomush Stability

      They can try. I just stopped ever going to Salon…

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        After the second ad blocker nag screen, I’m pretty much done with them also too. it’s one thing to ask for money or to ask to turn off the adblock, but that shit just means I’ll go incognito if it’s really important- trouble is, rarely is anything at Salon that important.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      I figured having that loon H.A. Goodman was enough.

    • What idiot would do this?

      • Yeah, I’m thinking the Venn diagram of people smart enough to use an ad blocker, but dumb enough to agree to this doesn’t overlap much.

        • Why yes, I would like to give you my internet, electricity, and the opportunity for you to profit with my resources. In exchange, you give me shitty stories?

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        63 million voters thought Trump would make a good president….

    • The *REASON* I have an ad blocker is to stop intrusive crap on my computer.

      • data_ninja

        Ads don’t get vetted, and malware code gets injected into them. Using an ad blocker isn’t just making things less annoying, it’s making things safer.

        • I would be 100% okay with ads, as long as they are static image ads with no hidden code behind them, however since that is never, ever the case anymore, I use ad blockers.

          • data_ninja

            The early days of GIFs and Flash were indeed wicked ones.

          • I’m still waiting on my prize for being the 1,000,000th visitor to pretty much every website. I had amazing luck back then.

    • data_ninja

      This will not sit well with mobile users at all. Assuming that most mobile phones probably won’t be able to handle it at all, x86 cpu users will watch their battery level go to shit from the extra processing.

      This is as stupid as it is greedy.

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      What a great business model!

      Except, bad news. They are already using all 10000% of the extra processing power that I use while reading Salon. Likely even more than that.

    • Gosala

      Hmmm…I already avoid Salon on account of they’re not very interesting.

    • Lord Jim

      So they want to use our computers for mining? Wow, they’re just scamming now.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        Yep, they want you to mine for them and hope you dont notice your computer is slow as shit.

        • Lord Jim

          They’ll make more bank off the suckers who go for it than off the ads.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’ve never gone to Salon. I guess this is not the best time to start, huh?

  • Marsupial99

    Wow… after all these years, Bamz is still ramming it down their throats!

    Wingnutz have issuez.

    • gallbladder

      They invite it.

  • WilbyToad

    Dems flip seat in Florida state special election

    With all precincts reporting, attorney Margaret Good (D) took 52 percent of the vote, ousting Sarasota real estate agent James Buchanan (R).

    http://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/373735-dems-flip-seat-in-florida-state-special-election

    YES.

    • TJ Barke

      Donnie’s win has woken a sleeping giant.

      • mackafritz

        And filled him with terrible resolve.

        • TJ Barke

          Is Donnie capable of resolve?

      • IMPOed

        Don’t get cocky, that is how we lose!!!

        • Lord Jim

          No, it’s how we get FIRED UP.

          • IMPOed

            I am REALLY Paranoid, with stupid lazy electorate and Kock Corporations cash flooding in!

    • Picabo

      1000 up votes.

    • mackafritz

      2nd worst president ever.

    • Bill D. Burger

      That’s the Democratic Party’s 36th legislative flip since Trump’s inauguration. ____ Ol’ cynic that I am, I’m beginning to reconsider that ‘blue wave’ meme!

  • Picabo

    “Police Officer Wins Settlement From City That Fired Him for Not Shooting a Black Man”

    “In the early hours of May 6, 2016, the lives of rookie police officer Stephen Mader and R.J. Williams intersected in Weirton, West Virginia. Both men were young fathers. Mader was a white cop holding a gun. Williams was a Black man holding a gun. This tragedy ends exactly as you’d expect — with R.J. Williams killed by a police bullet — but with a twist: Mader did not kill him. In fact, he tried his best to save Williams’ life. And for doing his duty, Mader was fired.
    Snip
    In that moment, Mader did not see a man with a gun. He saw a human being in crisis. Mader deduced that Williams was not what he might appear — a danger to others and to a responding officer alike. Mader saw that Williams was trying to commit “suicide by cop.”
    Rather than shoot, Mader returned to his military training and attempted to de-escalate the situation. He softened his voice, looked Williams in the eye, and said, “I’m not going to shoot you, brother. I’m not going to shoot you.” With those words, Officer Mader connected to the humanity of Williams, a man in deep distress.
    While Mader continued his attempt to convince Williams to drop his weapon, two other officers arrived on the scene. In a matter of seconds, one of the newly arrived officers fired four shots, killing Williams. It was at that point the officers discovered that Williams’ gun was unloaded. Stephen Mader was correct. R.J. Williams was not a threat, but it didn’t matter. He was dead.”
    https://www.aclu.org/blog/criminal-law-reform/reforming-police-practices/police-officer-wins-settlement-city-fired-him

    • Lord Jim

      Jesus Christ, it’s like a Stephen King story. Warning to others – don’t read the comments. Shouldn’t have to tell anyone that by now, still…

      Jesus wept.

  • MANGO CRIMES

    Cancel. Your. Fucking. NYT. Subscriptions.

    https://twitter.com/JordanUhl/status/963568802003898370

    • IMPOed

      Fuck That, BURN IT DOWN!!

    • Doug Langley

      And she’s getting paid how much more than I am????

      • Parakeetist

        Elebenty jillion dollars

    • msanthropesmr

      Who the fuck is this person?

      • mackafritz

        From her tweets, an idiot.

        • Ellie

          Apparently so. I guess they really don’t want me as a subscriber, do they?

      • MANGO CRIMES

        a LITERAL FUCKING NAZI SYMPATHIZER that the NYT hired – not as a columnist, but as a member of the fucking editorial board.

        https://twitter.com/NYTimesPR/status/963502764377731074

    • gallbladder

      Spock libelz!!11!!!!!

    • janecita

      I haven’t read the NYT since the Iraq war fiasco. That paper is a rag.

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!
    • Fire and Fury Demme

      Fuck, them!
      (Glad to see them solidifying their odiousness.)

  • Rick Hill
    • Left Coast Tom

      It does sort of look like a glitter-covered trash bag.

      • Rick Hill

        The trash bag part is accurate, too.

      • msanthropesmr

        What about the dress? How would you describe that?

    • msanthropesmr

      That’s generous.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Well, I stand with you if for no other reason than the fact that dress IS filled with trash, white trash.

    • Picabo

      That’s no moon.

    • h4rr4r

      Well trash does belong in a trash bag. I feel bad for her parents. She could have grown up to do something useful, stripper, sex worker, McDonald’s employee, nope she does this.

    • gallbladder

      Wuss.

    • WilbyToad

      Wrapped around trash, what else would you call it?

    • TootsStansbury

      Talk about polishing a turd.

  • oh look! Becky Yam and her husband had to make some tiny revisions to their financial disclosure forms. http://www.joemygod.com/2018/02/13/report-jared-kushner-swimming-debts/

    • Left Coast Tom

      That clearance will never happen. They know it. Donnie Little Hands knows it.

      • he still thinks he’s above the law.

        • Snowbound Ron

          Well, so far not many have even tried to prove him wrong.

    • Doug Langley

      Scroll down a bit to see the pun thread.

  • Bright Bart

    Breaking! In non jizz related news there’s this…

    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/daca-dreamers-second-judge-injunction_us_5a8366a4e4b02b66c51301c5

    Oh boy, Mango Braggadogo will be shit tweeting tonight brother!
    cock blocked again.

    • Doug Langley

      At least there’s still some check and balances in this country.

      • Bright Bart

        Indeed!

  • Parakeetist

    I got the address of the guy I was talking about yesterday, so I’ma go drive around in his parking lot and get thrown out by security. I’m an old-fashioned romantic. BRB.

    • msanthropesmr

      Find a nice liberal boy.

      • Parakeetist

        Sigh.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        Liberal boys are not nice.

        • Parakeetist

          My Dad is.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Old-fashioned romantic. Is that what the kids are calling stalkers these days?

      • Parakeetist

        You say that like it’s a bad thing.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I’d be flattered to have someone stalk me.

          • msanthropesmr

            Actually it’s not as cool as it sounds.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I know. And they’d get bored pretty quick.

          • msanthropesmr

            He’s petty his dog again and making more custom furniture. Sigh. What a hunk.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Oh oh, he’s pulling out the guitar again. Time to bounce!”

          • janecita

            Trust me, you don’t want that.

    • msanthropesmr
  • msanthropesmr

    Seriously, who the fuck is this Quinn nortoN person?

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • wait! what?

      #atlasstones

    • Bill D. Burger
      • Ellie

        Well, that explains it.

    • fiddlestick?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That looks for all the world like Sean Hannity except the neck is waaaaay too long.

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      That could use a little more polishing. Have you lost the key to your bunk?

      • Martini A, very stable genius

        I need to stock up on, um, polish.

    • Stulexington

      That took some balls.

  • Wookie Monster

    I wonder if Obama picked this artist to troll the right. He knew wingnuts were going to lose their shit over his official portrait no matter what it looked like, so might as well poke the bear a bit.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Oh…more good news:

    Thomas Brunell, the FUBAR Dotard admin’s pick to run the 2020 census, has withdrawn his name to be deputy director of the Census Bureau, sources close to the bureau tell MoJo.

    Brunell had defended Republican redistricting (gerrymandering) efforts in more than a dozen states.

    https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2018/02/trumps-controversial-pick-to-run-the-2020-census-withdraws/

  • wait! what?
    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      I actually have one where the light on top lights up here on my desk.

  • La forza del resistino

    Concerned poor person, Ken Langone ($2b in Home Depot bucks), bemoans SNAP recipients are using all their food stamps to buy marihuana. Obviously a man who has never pre-planned for the munchies.

    • h4rr4r

      Drug dealers don’t take SNAP.

      • La forza del resistino

        This is the runup to replacing SNAP with govt boxes of food aka Blue Apron for the poor who don’t deserve taste bud satisfaction.

        • h4rr4r

          Never gonna happen.

          Grocery stores are happy with 3% margin. Beat that. The logistics kill this idea.

          We had Blue Apron for 2 weeks as a trial, half price. It is super expensive and they have the logistics solved.

          • La forza del resistino

            UR right. But any GOP talking point seen as kicking the poors is a winner for them come election day.

      • Courser_Resistance

        PLUS, even here in Legal-Weed Wonderland, you can’t use your EBT card in a dispensary. At all. So no, people are NOT using SNAP to pay for weed.

    • IMPOed

      I saw that, scared the crap outta the cat!!!

      AARRGGHHHH!!!!

    • ah! behold the ever so elusive welfare queen.

      • La forza del resistino

        The SNAP guy anecdote with lobster tail and filet mignon in his shopping cart lives on. sadly.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      What I dont get is the USDA has an article up on their website on how well SNAP works now.

      https://www.ers.usda.gov/topics/food-nutrition-assistance/supplemental-nutrition-assistance-program-snap/economic-linkages/

      An increase of $1 billion in SNAP expenditures is estimated to increase economic activity (GDP) by $1.79 billion. In other words, every $5 in new SNAP benefits generates as much as $9 of economic activity.

      archive.is/kUzKX (just in case they take it down)

      and archive of the linked study.

      archive.is/foxC8

      • La forza del resistino

        Next thing you’ll cite is the economic benefits of a guaranteed personal income. :) The GOP would rather the poor dig holes in the ground on one day and fill them in tomorrow.

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          While simultaneously complaining its more proof government is broken.

    • Jacob DiCiaula

      This is the same absurdity that led to wanting to drug test welfare recipients. It makes sense only if 1) the underlying goal is to shame and stigmatize recipients and 2) you’ve never been in the trenches on these programs and seen how costly these ‘reforms’ really are

      • La forza del resistino

        And test results from the general employed population come out dirtier. (drugs don’t grow on trees .. well some come close)

      • Lord Jim

        “1) the underlying goal is to shame and stigmatize recipients” – By George, I think you’ve got it! :)

    • CripesAmighty

      Langone long ago earned his place on the wall.

  • janecita
    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Fake News! say Steve King!

    • TootsStansbury

      I gave Ameros to our wonderful local Jazz and Justice station today. It’s D.C. so decidedly blackish. I’m white as white can be. I love the perspective i get from this radio station. I am grateful for the contributions African Americans have made; buildings, food, music, art, math, poetry, morality, literature…

    • CripesAmighty

      What cool items!

    • A couple of names to look up

      Elizabeth “Mum Bet” Freeman
      Hiram Revels
      Bert Williams
      Elizabeth “Lizzie” Jennings Graham

      • janecita

        Thanks:-) To the Google!

      • janecita

        Elizabeth Jennings Graham, Elizabeth Freeman were truly inspirational. Brave, amazing women.

    • Tennessee Rain Genius

      GREAT POST!

    • Meccalopolis

      Lorenzo Dow Turner got a reference in my thesis

    • artem1s

      Garret Morgan. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garrett_Morgan
      fascinating guy

  • Bill D. Burger

    Jennie Willoughby, one of Rob Porter’s ex-wives, says she sought help from a Mormon official after enduring Porter’s “fits of rage.” She was told to work it out quietly and that Porter’s career would be hurt if she spoke out.

    Praise Moroni!
    https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/08/opinion/rob-porter-trump-administration-abuse.html?smid=tw-share&mtrref=t.co&gwh=472B76DA13FCC87CD90A88B5A48AFA5D&gwt=pay&assetType=opinion

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/00e2bf7d49bb9a99bcc917a5656f1ed7933b9a9a390ec186471811c1ac4661de.jpg

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Does anybody remember a fringe-woo writer named Wilson Bryan Key?

    He claimed to see subliminal messages in fucking everything. Viz his best-seller The Clam-Plate Orgy: And Other Subliminal Techniques for Manipulating Your Behavior (1980). Signet.

    It breathlessly revealed how an advertisement showing a plate of clams was really a subliminal attempt to seduce us with images of an sex party. Despite his helpful visual aids, I could no more find an orgy in his clam-plate than I can find a sperm cell in Obama’s forehead vein.

    Nutty and discredited as it was, Key was able to fob himself off as an expert witness in a (losing) lawsuit against Judas Priest and CBS Records.

    I guess it is a hopeful sign that Hannity, with his signature clumsy cowardice, is backing off and scrubbing his history again.

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Woah, the whole canned clam obsession with the Wonketeria is starting to make sense now.

      • have you ever read a Wonkette piece backwards?

        • Martini A, very stable genius

          Dok is the walrus, koo koo ka choo.

          • Lord Jim

            Who’s the Eggman?

          • Martini A, very stable genius

            All of them, Katie.

          • Meccalopolis

            Everybody poke snot!

        • MANGO CRIMES

          Malc Dennac was a character in the Star Wars prequels, right?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Yes! Who can forget the pivotal scene in which Malc Dennac says, “Jar Jar, I am your father?”

        • OutOfOrbit

          You 2 are witches!

    • Gosala

      Were you using canned clams? It doesn’t work except with canned clams.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Aphrodisiac when eaten

      • Courser_Resistance

        I think that’s oysters, not clams.

        • OutOfOrbit

          Well that explains…Uh, um never mind

    • CindyinEncinitas

      So the great clam plate date-gate theory is deflated?

    • therblig

      those ice cubes definitely had people fucking in them!

  • Jacob DiCiaula

    Well, I got absolutely owned today. I had two petty traffic cases up on Friday. I’d put them in my schedule for March 9th when i moved from 2017 to 2018 and can’t make it. Talk to the clerk, no big deal, we will hold them to today (Monday was a court holiday).

    Get to court and apologize to the prosecutor. He says he couldn’t care less. Go in front of the Judge and apologize again. In total monotone, he says he doesn’t care, but Judge x (known to be a tough Judge) already issued the warrant. 5000, 10% to apply. Madam clerk, please call for a deputy.

    I spend a full five seconds staring at the floor and thinking if I’m calling my dad or my wife to bond me out. Then, I notice the prosecutor shaking with laughter. I was absolutely owned :) At least a little levity in a long day.

    • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

      Damn, that’s brutal. What do they do on April 1st?

      • Jacob DiCiaula

        I can’t say the best one I’ve seen. Unsurprisingly, gallows humor is alive and well among criminal lawyers

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        A prosecutor and I once recruited everyone we could find in the courthouse to sit in the courtroom and we, a court clerk, and a bailiff acted like we were ready to pick a jury when a magistrate judge walked in.

        • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

          I don’t understand why that’s funny…

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            When he walked in, he thought he’d forgotten about a trial.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      That is hilarious.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I probably would have crapped myself. And then cried when I found out it was a tease. But not where they could see me.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Well, that was two hours of my life I’ll never get back. “Go to this training about marijuana and employer rights. Bring back good info.”
    The only useful info I learned is that we may have to change one word in our policy. Maybe.

    • WilbyToad

      Don’t change the word, just add the “maybe”.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        What is you’re plea?

        Maybe not guilty.

    • h4rr4r

      I studied it a lot in college. When the law changes i am going to continue my research.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Minutes to learn, a lifetime to master.

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      The only good thing about those seminars are the free samples.

    • therblig

      change “Joint responsibility” to “Shared responsibility” to avoid misunderstandings?

  • msanthropesmr

    Where’s our token Dutch guy to explain the bullshit that’s going on with the Dutch prime minister?

    • Gosala

      I’m guessing Holland…?

      (Which makes it about 02:30 local time)

    • Changeling

      Previous post, I think.

    • hudson

      did you mean foreign minister? per evening news it was FM that was in the soup. something happened since then that PM is also in soup?

      • Werewolf

        It’s the Israeli PM who’s in the soup.

        • hudson

          israeli PM was in the soup thanks to police reports yesterday morning (or was it today morning?). who can keep up with this universal cluster fuck?

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      And the speed skating!
      Does everyone speed skate from birth?

    • umm prolly sleeping.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    So…who likes Pearl Jam?

    https://youtu.be/qM0zINtulhM

    • janecita
      • Kiri the Unicorn
        • janecita

          That one is my 14 year old daughter’s favorite. She loooves Pearl Jam.

          • Fire and Fury Demme

            I love to see how the youngsters “discover” bands.
            Quality always wins.
            (Mine discovered Led Zeppelin.)

          • JustDon’tSayCAPSLOCK!!!

            Remember when Wayne’s World movie came out, and the kids were learning this new song called “Bohemian Rhapsody”?

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • Lord Jim

      I like them. Also, I admire them for taking on Ticket Bastard. They lost, but they tried.

    • god. lost youth.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Well, that explains everything. Who hasn’t fallen and gotten a black eye trying to have the Venetian vase of his dreams?

    [Rob Porter told the 4 reporters in that off-the-record meeting last week that, on vacation in Florence, he and his then wife, Colbie Holderness “had quarreled over a Venetian glass vase, and that [Holderness] had fallen and bruised her eye.”]

    https://www.politico.com/story/2018/02/13/rob-porter-ex-wife-black-eye-blamed-fall-meeting-reporters-407277

    I believe it was the spat over the Lalique decanter that gave her the bloody nose. She jerked it away and whapped herself right in the schnoz !

    C’mon! Working for the Master you had in the WH, a child could come up with a better lie than that, for fuck’s sake. It’s like you’re not even trying.

    https://i.imgur.com/5irRQLe.gif

    • hudson

      what you don’t believe it? who here has not quarreled over a vase that ended bruising one’s eyes?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It was probably dispute over whether the word is pronounced “vaysse” or “vahzze.”

        No wonder a black eye happened to her. (Note my clever use of passive construction, er, I mean, note how passive construction cleverly imposed itself upon me.)

        • Opalescent Riddles

          It has been noted that passive construction was cleverly imposed.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Thanks are to happened to you!

          • Opalescent Riddles

            No problem has been expressed.

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      This guy.

      If she had cigarette burns on her, he’d swear they were Greg Brady’s cigarettes, not his.

    • 3FingerPete

      Were there no doors in the room for her to walk into?

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      My be-hickyed H.S. friend always told her mom she “bumped her neck into her locker.”
      Is this like that?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    OT personal gripe: We have this very well meaning but overzealous fan of the band who loves to try to strike up conversations right at our start time, or between songs, and esp. at the end of the night, yapping inCESSantly when I’m tired, hungry, possibly drunk, and trying to pack up all the gear. Enthusiastic fans are not easy to come by in my world; I’m grateful but also find myself biting my tongue to keep back a snotty comment. My nightly prayer: Dear God, protect me from the well-intended.

    • MANGO CRIMES

      here’s a suggestion that might work: give him a job as a roadie

      • MANGO CRIMES

        I mean, you’d have to handle it carefully

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          He’s a good guy at heart, if maybe a bit needy. He always offers to help with the load out; I decline because I want to avoid a situation where I might “owe” him.

          • MANGO CRIMES

            oh right, I totally get that.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Experience has taught me to tread a little carefully with this type. They’re usually benign and just looking for somewhere to fit in. I’ve also had folks like this feel slighted in some mysterious way and turn on me…in one instance in a fairly terrifying fashion.

    • CripesAmighty

      Hey, be grateful he ain’t hurling Bud bottles at the stage.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Well, we get those too. A lot more of them, in fact. Almost as bad as the staggering drunk with the harmonica who wants to “sit in and jam with you”.

      • vivian

        5¢ a bottle, dude. Sometimes pays more than the door.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Two options:

      a) “Hey dude, great to see you. Yo, let’s meet up after our set!” Then hide.

      b) “Hey guy, wanna help the drummer move his gear?”

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I’m going with option B.

    • where are you playing? i’d love to see a fellow wonkette traveler perform…

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        All over Tucson….local as a motherfucker. If you’re ever here, let me know, I’ll be more specific.

  • CripesAmighty

    Pairs short program is on. A brief interlude reminding one that yes, there are places in the world where expertise, competence and discipline are still viewed as desirable qualities.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie
  • because this is just playing on this fancy Pandora thing.

    later Wonkers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2HhnQxI8VI

    • Parakeetist

      Back when Robert had short hair.

    • janecita

      Upvoted because Robert Smith is God.

  • Me not sure

    Next, they’ll be telling me that all of those Georgia O’Keefe paintings aren’t really flowers. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/01a139a95e7fa1272ec02adbc10c3c4d89d33e5b1b0ddd872e76d7ff9c01a9b2.png

    • MANGO CRIMES

      wow, I can’t believe she ripped off Giger like that

    • Blanche de Shambles

      whaaaaaaaat

    • President in Exile Firefly

      I think I see a little man in that canoe!

      • Me not sure

        The coxswain.

        • Lord Jim

          Oh, YOU. :)

          • Me not sure

            STROKE, STROKE, STROKE…

    • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

      I got to sit in a room full of her paintings in a museum in London. It was…really profound. She’s one of my few favorite artists.

      • Me not sure

        Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Say no more.

      • Changeling

        Deep, you’d say?

        • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

          Um….yes?

  • cheetojeebus

    Special election in Sarasota FL heavily republican district. Dem won tonight by 7.37% handing the R’s their asses. http://enight.elections.myflorida.com/ElectionResults/default?Election=02/13/2018

    • Parakeetist

      YAAAASS

    • TootsStansbury

      Wow! LOL, yay!

    • Bill D. Burger
    • The Blue Tsunami Approaches! Keep it up!

      • puredog

        I understand that in two MN state lege specials today/yesterday, Rep kept seat, Dem kept seat.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Excellent!

    • gallbladder
    • AuntyMaude

      Happy happy joy joy!

    • AuntyMaude

      And it’s a woman Dem. Triple points!!!!

    • artem1s

      Oops, gonna be a rage, tweet storm at about 5 am tomorrow.

    • mailman27

      We need to go on and on, do not let up. Not for one minute. I’ll be working the phones once more this fall in my bright red district. Hit ’em hard, then hit ’em again. Fuck these asswipes.

    • I guess this is as good a place as any to put this. Reposted from Lawyers, Guns & Money & Balloon Juice, lightly edited to remove a couple of redundancies/awkward phrasings & to mention both blogs in one place where it’s relevant. Also, apologies in advance for low dick joke ratio, but I think people will find it enlightening.

      Resident of Sarasota here. I wasn’t surprised by this result at all even though the only Democrat we’d elected in decades had been tax collector Barbara Ford-Coates before tonight. I hadn’t seen any polling for this race, but what I’d call the circumstantial indications were heavily in Good’s favour.

      First, Trump didn’t win this district by a large margin, as mentioned in the OP. This was always a winnable race for the Democrat.

      Second, distribution of yard signs. These don’t always foretell a race outcome, but I barely saw any for Buchanan. Signs for Good were everywhere (to be clear, it’s not just the quantity of signs that matters here – seeing two dozen signs in a row is pretty much irrelevant – it’s that I saw them on many people’s houses), and there were probably even more signs for the lolbert candidate Alison Foxall than for Buchanan. I take these more as indicative of voter enthusiasm – shallow supporters won’t put up yard signs; enthusiastic ones will – and only among the demographic of people who own houses. But that should have been Buchanan’s natural constituency.

      Third, the sheer desperation and ineptitude of Buchanan’s advertising. They blanketed everything, and they did so incessantly. I have an ad blocker on my computer, but there were ads for Buchanan on LGM, on BJ, on YouTube videos for Colbert, Trevor Noah, The Opposition. Everywhere. Constantly. Seemingly half the videos I watched had the same damn ad. All shows/sites with largely liberal audiences, too.

      And it was awful. I never watched the whole thing, but it opened by name-dropping Rick Scott in a positive manner. I haven’t checked in the last couple of months, but the last time I saw, Gov. Voldemort’s approval rating was in the toilet. That seems like an enormous unforced error. They also referred to Good as a “Hillary Clinton clone”. Granted, I’m not exactly the middle of the road voter they aimed the ad at (something like that reads to me as a ringing endorsement), but… she’s hardly massively unpopular. They didn’t even open with an attack on Pelosi, whose approval rating is way lower. Amateur hour.

      And then they blanketed the ad so heavily that I’m sure it just pissed off people who were on the fence. It was always the exact same ad, too. Just terrible, shoddy work.

      The sheer amount of advertising read as a move of desperation to me. Like they had internal numbers that indicated they knew they were down in the polls, and they were panicking.

      By contrast, I didn’t see much advertising from Good. Some people might’ve read that as a sign of weakness, but it didn’t read that way to me. They emailed me to make sure I’d voted, and there were a couple of fundraising appeals, but it was a perfectly reasonable number. If I were apolitical, I could easily see myself voting for Good just on the basis of her campaign being so much less annoying. As it was I found myself grumbling out loud at my phone in annoyance at the YouTube ads at least five times.

      Good ran a (pardon the pun) good campaign. I didn’t see any clear unforced errors. I could easily see her going places in the Florida Democratic Party. She’s certainly done Sarasota proud.

  • WilbyToad
    • gallbladder

      No quarter!

      • Phried Ω

        or nickel!

        • Snowbound Ron

          Sooo shiny! So worth five cents!

      • therblig

        to build a dream for me and you

      • TJ Barke

        Take no prisoners.

      • Lord Jim

        One-Two-ThreeFourFive!
        Big Blue Party Takes no jive!
        Six-Seven-EightNineTen!
        Revv it up and do it again!

  • Blender_415

    Don’t care about sperm; I’m just wishing Obama would’ve been holding a cigarette in his portrait, ftw.

  • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

    If anybody ever compares you to a packet of Kool-Aid, the kind you have to add just the right amount of sugar to and mix with water, just go with. And laugh until you can hardly breathe right, like I did..

    • janecita

      That’s kind of hilarious:-)

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        Baconz is a feckin weirdo.

    • gallbladder

      What flavour was suggested?

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        I don’t think we got that far, I was already laughing so hard.

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      I would have guessed you were already pre-sweetened

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        Apparently not! That’s one of the reasons I was laughing to hard!

    • vivian

      Don’t drink the Kool-Aid, be the Kool-Aid

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        I would have preferred being compared to espresso or Turkish coffee but that wouldn’t have had me in such hysterics.

        • vivian

          Just be thankful it wasn’t squid ink pasta or gnocchi or something.

          • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

            I…okay, I guess I WILL be thankful. Although I DO like gnocchi.

          • vivian

            I love gnocchi, but I wouldn’t want to be gnocchi.

    • Lord Jim

      Any luck transferring the pictures off your mePhone?

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        I’m not ready to talk about it again so soon.

        • Lord Jim

          [runs away]

    • Meccalopolis

      Hey, kool aid!

    • Stinky_Hole

      ‘Julip’ Kool-aid. Just add bourbon and crushed ice. Or do they already serve that at the drive-thru’s in Louisiana?

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        I don’t know about the drive-through places in Louisiana. I would probably be some flavor of Scottish or Irish whisky. Definitely not tequila, though. That always ends badly.

  • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

    Discuss amongst yourselves – did Hannity delete the story because he was actually embarrassed at getting taken in by 4Chan or because he was deluged (ha) with “EW, THAT’S KIND OF GAY” complaints from his audience?

    • gallbladder

      Yes.

    • Parakeetist

      Hannity’s gay, all right.

  • Cletus Safari

    Toxic cuteness alert!

    https://i.imgur.com/RLpb3Ab.png

  • Bill D. Burger
    • IMPOed

      Oh Fuck!!

      WARNING PLEASE!!

    • TJ Barke

      I find it hard to believe a human being can look that cartoonishly evil.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    The sperm is covering his Kenyan birth certificate also too.

  • MANGO CRIMES

    also did I miss the discussion about Bearded Obama, or is it about to happen right now?

    https://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt/status/963386350270545921

    • gallbladder

      Coolness personified.

      • MANGO CRIMES

        I am reliably informed that social media is “So Damn Thirsty” about this by a younger person.

        • Parakeetist

          What does that even mean

          • MANGO CRIMES

            ok so you know how by coincidence every week Evan writes an article about some hott dude.

            that is called thirstiness, in this bold new era of internets and space cars.

            I mean I could spell it out but my fax machine is almost out of carbon paper.

          • Parakeetist

            I still don’t know what that means.

          • MANGO CRIMES

            THEY ARE GETTING FEELINGS IN THE PANTS REGIONS.

          • Parakeetist

            Feelings? Pants? What are these of which you speak?

          • MANGO CRIMES

            STIRRINGS.

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      I read that this was a ‘shop, but only in one place, so maybe yes maybe no. Anyway, he’s a handsome man, both ways.

      • MANGO CRIMES

        I’m pretty sure it’s a shop.

        A sexy shop.

        Wait that doesn’t make sense oh fuck it hit post

      • Catstro, Very Stable Girther

        I seem to remember him saying that he couldn’t grow facial hair. I do not like beards as a general rule, and I’m totally repulsed by bearded Obama. Normally I think he’s a sexy dude.

        • Lord Jim

          Good thing I’m not using my picture as my avatar. :P

          • Catstro, Very Stable Girther

            There are always exceptions

        • MANGO CRIMES

          what is your position on patchy stubble

        • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

          I agree. Goatee Trudeau is meh also too. I’m like Olive Oyl. I like a clean shaven man.

      • Stinky_Hole

        Idunno. If it’s a ‘shop’, somebody copy/pasted individual hairs.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi
      • therblig

        from the episode “Rumspringa Time”

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Changeling

    The linked Voice article about the artist is quite disappointing. The portrait is good but I think the choice of artist was misguided and might come back to bite him.

    https://www.villagevoice.com/2015/03/11/what-to-make-of-kehinde-wileys-pervy-brooklyn-museum-retrospective/

    • IMPOed

      Sounded like a hit piece to me.

      • Changeling

        I think bored art critic. That’s an unfortunately recognizable type of artist.

  • Me not sure

    I’m reminded of an old song.
    https://youtu.be/fUspLVStPbk

    • gallbladder

      I hear that god’s quite irate.

  • Anna Rompage

    If our current cheeto hued petulant manchild in Chief ever has a precedential portrate done, it should be of him, sitting at the table of a golden McDonalds, shoving two Filet-o-fish, and two Big Macs in his gullet all at the same time.

    It can be called ‘classless gluttony’

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    Sean Hannity.

    It’s always projectile semen with these people.

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Snort!

    • La forza del resistino

      swallow or spit. America wants to know, Sean.

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        Not so much, no.

        • mailman27

          I’m happy to keep my distance, if you know what I’m saying.

      • Changeling

        Certainly not crammed down his throat!

  • notaten

    When I saw this headline pop up on my phone this afternoon, my first thought was gawd I hope this is the dumbest thing I see today. My second thought was, I’m not going to read this because I’m sure the Wonkette will break down All of the dumb for me. As always, you did not let me down. I love this place.

    • puredog

      OTOH, but for Wonkette, you NEVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. That might have been better. And, yes, I used the shift-key, bitch.

      • Gosala

        Shift Key Bitch is the name of the new Marvel Comics superhero.

        (She’s a canine. What did you think?)

        • JustDon’tSayCAPSLOCK!!!

          How close is she to Shift Key West?

          • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

            That’s Kimye’s new babby, right?

          • Gosala

            Ssshhh. It’s secret.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Another win. The DLCC is spending money on party infrastructure like candidate training and recruitment, something the DCC used to do very well. Just throwing money at TV ads is not enough. You have to build and maintain a party, not just advertise it.

    • Gosala

      A leader’s first responsibility is to develop the next generation of leaders.

    • CripesAmighty

      Maybe while they’re at it they can develop a program beyond milquetoast meeping about ‘faaaamilies’, ‘chiiiildren’ and moldy bromides about ‘kitchen table’ whatnot.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie
    • TJ Barke

      Summary? Can’t watch.

      • Lord Jim

        Nothing we didn’t already know. Donnie is losing it.

    • gallbladder

      Fucking terrifying. He was an idiot then…and is even more of a simpleton now.

    • Rick Hill

      Last tweet: “We can take this historic, not going to ever happen again chance to finally solve DACA.”
      Previous tweet: “Everything is set to fix this except, of course, the Democrats don’t want to do anything to fix this.”

      Must be some type of artful dealing that I don’t understand.

    • Lord Jim
    • SayItWithWookies

      Assmouth most decidedly did not speak in “polished paragraphs” twenty years ago. Yes, he’s clearly stupid and his brain is probably turning to pudding, but the example the guy shows is a Trump from 1997 expressing exactly the same vague generalities to fill in for his ignorance, bragging about himself, saying America is getting screwed, so demonstrating no knowledge of foreign policy or American history. Dude was a fucking moron now. I do see him losing some inhibition and being more openly offensive and crass, but not dumber. He was already pretty fucking stupid.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar
    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Shrub couldn’t hold the jock strap for either of those great statesmen.

      What, no Teddy Roosevelt literally using the bully pulpit to be a bully?

  • Lord Jim
  • Stable Uniomist Raan

    “Look at all these useless prefectures.”
    “Scroll off the map to Parts Unknown.” – Matt and Liam

    • hudson

      good morning raan.

  • La forza del resistino

    The good folks at RS just spreading the good word:
    ‘Pennsylvania pastor insists he was ‘counseling’ nude man bound with rope in parked car’
    https://www.rawstory.com/2018/02/pennsylvania-pastor-insists-counseling-nude-man-bound-rope-parked-car/

    • Stable Uniomist Raan

      Can The Onion sue reality?

      • Cletus Safari
      • Cock Blockula

        I asked a few months ago how does one break Poe’s Law in this day and age?

        All I got was a bunch of smartass quotes from The Raven.

    • Gosala

      English is hard: “I will deny, on a stack of Bibles with God as my witness, that I did nothing.”

    • Cletus Safari
    • Changeling

      Reality outdoes Hannity, or a draw?

    • Left Coast Tom

      Can’t Pennsylvania just have an annual street fair like San Francisco’s Folsom Street Fair?

      • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

        Pittsburgh does a pretty awesome Pride parade. Baconz got free tickets to the Jennifer Hudson concert last year.

      • La forza del resistino

        It might pump some economic life into the Punxutawney Phil festival. Might be chilly, but hot toddies and heated turkish towels will be available

      • Lord High theCryptofishist

        Pennsylvania Avenue? That would be sweet. Although, I draw the line at any whipping or spankings visible from the White House windows.

    • Stinky_Hole

      How lucky is that!? Some nekkid, tied-up guy just hops by your parked car, giving you the opportunity to take him in and tell him how he can accept Jesus Christ as his personal savior! “As you have done unto the nekkid guy tied up in the passenger seat of your car, you have done unto me”. Praise!

      • puredog
      • Me The People

        “So the sound I heard coming from what turned out to be my own vehicle was coming from a naked, bound man. Fortunately, I happen to be a Pastor…”

      • Courser_Resistance

        I dunno, a slick-looking guy just popped up on my TV screen in a bedroom filled with roses. I had the sound off but all the caption said was, “CBS Cares”. Um, that’s a bit… sleezy? It must be some guy soap-star but without sound he looked kinda like a creeper.

    • Me The People

      Sounds like a scene from an American version of Father Ted.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The real shocker: This didn’t happen in Florida.

    • Snowbound Ron

      ‘No, no, my son, the LEFT goes over the RIGHT. THEN you pull on the middle.’

  • TJ Barke

    Is Roddy McDowell still alive? He could play the KKKeebler elf in the movie.

    • Stable Uniomist Raan

      Sadly, no. He died in 1998.

      • TJ Barke

        Well shit…

        • Lord High theCryptofishist

          20 years and you hadn’t heard the news! I think we have to call it the Pony Local.

    • Ninja0980

      Nope, passed away in 98.

  • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

    question: is it possible/ ethical/ a good idea to get out of politics? like, is it ever okay to turn off the news, stop paying attention to this shit except for elections, and focus on something less horrifying?

    that was my response to the 2004 election. i was like okay, clearly this country is something i need to survive more than participate in, i’m going to make art and focus on trying to imagine a better world. and i did, for a while. then, during the Obama years, i felt gradually more enfranchised and responsible for the direction we were taking – like maybe my participation wasn’t just allowed, but necessary. and now… i don’t know, man.

    • aktlib101

      Heh. Ignoring the news completely would be like sticking your head in the sand pretending nothing bad can affect your life.

    • Gosala

      @aktlib101 has it about right. Of course you need to take care of yourself and step back from time to time but unless you have piles of privilege you can’t afford to check out permanently.

      Sucks.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I don’t know, man. I feel like my soul is dying day by day. I don’t pay overt attention to the news anymore and got rid of cable, so no more Rachel, either. But I do think not immersing myself in the bullshit is somewhat better. I’m still hoping to hear back from a therapist I contacted over the weekend.

      • Lord Jim

        I hope that turns out well for you.

        • Courser_Resistance

          Eh, I still get news here and there and check into WaPo and stuff. But I don’t dig into anything.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      I think it depends – gauge your own mental tolerances, and if you start to redline or feel yourself losing control take a breather. We all need to do that – this is like drinking from a fire hose, and sooner or later the hose will knock you down.
      Take a few days. Take a couple weeks. Breathe. Marathon, not sprint.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      I probably should too. Thing is, I don’t have anything else in my life. I can’t spend all day at Planet Fitness picking things up and putting them down. I check out from Trump, all I’m going to do is rail against Andrew Scheer and Theresa May.

      I mean, I’m not really contributing anything to the “resistance” either, by posting snarky comments and memes on a website that doesn’t allow comments. So, YMMV. You could always make recipes for the mommyblog, as long as one of the ingredients isn’t canned clams. 😎

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Nope. 2 paragraphs into the Louise Linton article and I had to quit.

    • gallbladder

      Yet you lived to tell the tale!

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Older but queasier.

    • aktlib101

      I just saw that one on CNN.
      Why is CNN coming out with such puff pieces
      The woman’s a complete fake and money grabber.
      Phooey.

  • CripesAmighty

    Ok, every Olympic cycle I like to indulge a little crush on a skater (I am not too old shut up). Connor of the Isreali team has a melancholy, willowy quality and really solid technique…

    • OutOfOrbit

      Dorothy Hamill still gives me a woodie

      • Courser_Resistance

        My mom had my hair cut like hers when I was a little girl. I loved her, but my hair did not perform as advertised.

      • Opiwan

        Katarina Witt ftw

      • CripesAmighty

        Yup. Hamill was the first. Intrigued by Surya Bonaly in the early ’90s (although that was a bit of projection as she was the spitting image of an ex minus the crazy).

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Fat Tuesday, y’all. Tomorrow’s Ash Wednesday. Enjoy your carnal pleasures while you can.

    https://youtu.be/498LZARXzN0

    • gallbladder

      King Cake for all!

      • Gosala

        I thought King Cake was for Epiphany?

        • gallbladder

          That is true, though I am under the impression that is is to be consumed before/on Ash Wednesday, lest that’s what you mean.

          • Gosala

            Always learning.

          • gallbladder

            Me too.

      • Snowbound Ron

        Wait, is THAT the cake we like?

    • puredog

      All Tuesdays are Fat.

      • Lord High theCryptofishist

        Tuesday Weld LieBullzzz111!!

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Big Boned Tuesday

      • gallbladder

        Cartman would approve.

    • Lord High theCryptofishist

      Pancake Day, also, too.

    • JustDon’tSayCAPSLOCK!!!

      Like I’m going to stop…

  • Cletus Safari

    Good night, Wonketarians.

    Those of you familiar with YuruYuri know that the other girls had better not let Chinatsu (far left) do any of the cooking.

    The usual “click, then click again” routine.

    https://i.imgur.com/ClACNAY.jpg

    • Courser_Resistance

      I have a friend like that. She put taco shells in the oven to crisp and they burst into flame. She’s never been allowed to use the stove. Her husband does all the cooking and is a great cook.

      • Stinky_Hole

        I put a pot of water on the stove to make iced tea and forgot about it. When I went back into the kitchen, the bottom of the pot was the same orange color as the eye it was sitting on. So, I’ve burned water.

    • One of my seasonal staffers was using my stove to cook some bacon. Every smoke alarm went off, because it was burning in the pan. The thing is, he didn’t wander off, he was standing there watching it. One ruined pan and very … crispy … bacon was the result. The next day we started lessons on “how to cook bacon.”

  • Rick Hill

    Thesis, huh? He was the one who brought fire to mortals,right?…Idk, must be some kind of college thing…
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/a2o5gq1_460s.jpg

    • hudson

      if i may toot my own horn, i just crossed 100+ citations. where i publish it is an old stable field. i know all the americans who work in this field. recently europeans have started to cite the work. that’s what got the citations up.

      • Lord Jim

        Go you! What;s your field?

        • hudson

          uncertainty analysis of large-scale systems. nobody else cares for it now. only some physics and math types.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      That’s, um… creative, but certainly obsessive, and, honestly, weird.

      Maybe there is a downside to being a bigly smart genius.

    • Stinky_Hole

      Martin Luther couldn’t have done it any better.

    • Snowbound Ron

      Big deal. Kent Hovind had his printed on a fake $20 he can leave instead of a tip.

    • Beelzebubba

      Nah – he’s the dude who killed the Minotaur.

  • hudson

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLCK1dmn2qc

    bharatanatyam on a daughter telling her mother.

    • Shanzgood (15 Days!)

      That made my eyes leak pretty much all the way through.

      • hudson

        thanks.

    • gallbladder

      Goddamned onions. The sheer expression of it all.

      • hudson

        thanks! (disqus would not allow me to say thanks twice.)

    • Lord Jim

      Astonishing. Powerful.

      Stop giving me hope for humanity. You’re mellowing my harsh. :P

  • Left Coast Tom

    There’s a set of airline regulations called ETOPS, which restrict the planes able to offer passenger service over extended water routes – like between the west coast and Hawaii (the unofficial meaning of ETOPS is “engines turn or passengers swim”). Mainland to Hawaii flights require ETOPS 180 – 180 minutes of flight following the failure of an engine must be possible.

    With Trumpanzees whining about regulations, this is a reminder why they exist: UA 1175, SFO to HNL, today – the engine cowling tore off one of the engines.

    • Stulexington

      But they can offer more in flight service when they get within 3 hours of their destination … right?

    • Gosala

      Pffft…. Stupid regulations…. profit!!

    • Snowbound Ron

      Gremlin! Somebody tell William Shatner!

    • Beelzebubba

      The cowling is for aerodynamics – the plane can fly just fine without it. Of course it gets reported as “ENGINE EXPLODES!!! OMG!!!”

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    …And in other news of the stupid and easily gulled:

    Paul McGuire: President Hillary Clinton ‘Would Have Persecuted, Arrested, Fined, Imprisoned And Perhaps Killed America’s Pastors’

    Play for full effect, O damned ones:

    https://youtu.be/XyR-poMsSWI

    “I’ve read many accounts which suggest that she is a practicing witch, part of a witches coven at the very highest levels,” McGuire said. “I think she has a demonic hatred in her—her statement about the ‘deplorables’ revealed what was in her heart.”

    “I believe that if Hillary Clinton had become president of the United States,” he asserted, “like Jezebel, she would have persecuted, arrested, fined, imprisoned and perhaps killed America’s pastors, she would have shut down the preaching of the gospel and the gates of hell would have broken loose on our nation.”

    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/paul-mcguire-president-hillary-clinton-would-have-persecuted-arrested-fined-imprisoned-and-perhaps-killed-americas-pastors/

    Liz Crokin: The ‘Me Too’ Movement Was Designed To Distract From Hollywood’s Rampant Cannibalistic Satanic Pedophilia

    “Don’t tell me that all of a sudden CAA cares about sexual assault,” she added. “My ass. They are just trying to distract from what’s deeper down the rabbit hole and what’s deeper down the rabbit hole is what they do to children, it’s the spirit cooking, it’s the sacrificing, it’s these sick, crazy, twisted rituals they do, it’s the witchcraft, it’s the occult, and that’s what they’re trying to distract from.”

    Damn, how does a person even live with their head this full of paranoid delusion?

    And WTF is “spirit cooking”?

    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/liz-crokin-the-me-too-movement-was-designed-to-distract-from-hollywoods-rampant-cannibalistic-satanic-pedophilia/

    • Ling Ling

      I approve of this program. When does it start?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        The sign-up sheet is circulating around the room.

        • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

          Anypony got a pen?

          • Gosala

            I’m not allowed to have a pen, but you can borrow my crayon.

          • Zyxomma

            Always. I always have one within reach, and several more nearby.

        • Snowbound Ron

          Do we use our public names or our secret cult names?

          • Lord High theCryptofishist

            Yes.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Cult names please, and we’ll need a sperm sample.

      • Stinky_Hole

        November 2018?

    • gallbladder

      Simmering vodka?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Stupid Hobbittses, you ruins it!

        • gallbladder

          I apologizes. Cans I gets yous a doubles?

      • Gosala

        simmering vodka is the fourth step of traditional Russian alchemical practice.

    • Gosala

      All the outrageous and hate filled thing POTUSINO called people and the trumpanzees can’t get over “deplorable.”

      Please, Ahura, let the end times begin.

    • Lord High theCryptofishist

      Pretty sneaky of Jezabel to kill America’s pastors, when “America” and “pastors” didn’t exist yet, when she was having her actual, or imaginary, life.

    • TJ Barke

      We really need to lock these loonies up for spreading vicious and irresponsible lies.

    • Stable Uniomist Raan
    • OrG

      Way too much dope.
      Or not nearly enough.

      • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

        Or the wrong kind.

    • Cock Blockula

      And all this time, I thought she was a Methodist.

      Maybe I need to check out the Methodist church. Sounds intriguing!

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Who knew Jezebel was a nice older lady that favored pantsuits?

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        No, just the meth church…

    • aktlib101

      One could only hope President Hillary would do some of that. Someday.

    • Some weapons grade stupid there. I have to wonder what’s in their browser histories, given their obsession with satanic practices and pedophilia.

    • Snowbound Ron
      • Kiri the Unicorn