If you ever wanted to see what gets Sean Hannity’s jizzes flowing, and more specifically the process by which that happens, you need to start with this screengrab of 4Chan deciding to start spreading a rumor that the new Barack Obama official portrait is covered in sperm:
It is still beyond us that things like 4Chan exist when there is actual human interaction available in the world, but whatever. (We feel the same way about Twitter, TBH.)
ANYWAY. That happened in the wee hours of this morning.
Hours later, once Hannity had a chance to wipe the sleepy boogers out of his eyes and get pumped for another day of being a Kremlin/Fox News slut for Donald Trump, his website was ON the Fake Obama Sperm Face story. There was a tweet and an article on his website:
WHOA IF TRUE!
Of course, there is a tiny nugget of truth contained in this Sean Hann-tasy about Barack Obama’s sperms, and it is that the artist who painted Barack Obama’s portrait, Kehinde Wiley, is known for sticking sperms in stuff. It is art, after all!
But that up there? On Obama’s face? That is a vein. OR IS IT A SPERM VEIN?
(It’s a fucking vein. It’s always been right there, on Obama’s head.)
(BUT IS IT FULL OF SPERM?)
Hannity’s original story also noted that the artist joked about “killing Whitey” one time, but didn’t really explain that it was in reference to one of his works that’s a takeoff on the Bible story of Judith and Holofernes:
Her pose is a riff on classical depictions by Caravaggio and Gentileschi, of the biblical story of Judith beheading Holofernes. And the severed head? “She’s one of my assistants.”
So that is also part of the outrage! Jizz on Obama’s face! Black people cutting off whitey heads! Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!11111GHAZI!
If you don’t know the story of Judith beheading Holofernes, could you please read a damn Bible once in a while? We will note that this is the second time in the past year that an artistic riff on this Bible story has sent wingnuts running in circles and soiling their panties. (See: Griffin, Kathy. Also see Wonkette’s Hillary/Trump Judith and Holofernes t-shirt, which somehow did not set off a national outcry.)
Anyway, the question remains: DOES THIS MEAN BARACK OBAMA IS GOING TO KILL WHITEY BY SPERMING THROUGH HIS BIG EARS AND MAKING ALL THE WHITE LADIES PREGNANT WITH O-BABIES?
We will never know, because we guess Sean Hannity didn’t like the taste this jizzed-up 4Chan story was leaving in his mouth, so he spitted it up real hard, deleting not only the tweet, but also the story on his website. [Masochists can find it archived at the Wayback Machine.]
And thus ended the very dumb three act play where Sean Hannity got spoonfed something by 4Chan, believed it because he was an idiot, put it on his website and his Twitter, then memoryholed it the second the cacophony of people laughing at him, and not with him, grew too loud for him to bear.
Other parts of Inner Wingnuttia are still going with it, though. Daily Caller INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER (of sperm paintings) Ethan Barton posts a bunch of Wiley’s other works, to draw attention to how they are just chock full of both sperm and black people:
Barton doesn’t swallow the OBUMMER SPERMS narrative whole, though, and instead cutely says the vein has “caused internet buzz.” Uh huh.
For the real Obama sperm drenching, you gotta go to Alex Jones’s InfoWars, where noted sperm reporter Kit Daniels writes at length about how all Kehinde Wiley’s paintings are full of semen, because apparently noted sperm reporter Kit Daniels does not know that “semen” and “sperm” are not the same thing.
The InfoWars headline says Obama is “covered” in sperm, which leads us to believe Kit Daniels lied about his sperm expertise to get his job as a noted sperm reporter at Infowars:
If you are LOL-ing at the subhed where noted sperm reporter Kit Daniels suggests Kehinde Wiley hid a secret sperm message that symbolized how wingnuts think world leaders thought of Obama, don’t worry, so are we. He explains:
Is this symbolic of how world leaders treated Obama during his presidency? Likely yes, given the Iranian nuclear deal and other lopsided treaties designed to screw America over in the long-run.
OK, buddy. Back away from whatever sperms you’re huffing (allegedly) and have a little lie down, why don’t you?
You’d think we’re done with wingnuts swimming through imaginary reflecting pools full of the Kenyan U-Spermer’s spooge, but no, here is a video of Alex Jones his very own self, adding needed analysis to what is going on right now:
Here’s a giant sperm swimming across the president’s head! He also shows the president has six fingers [No he doesn’t. He just painted Obama’s right hand kind of weird. – Ed.] So there’s the sperm. The head of the sperm. This is a GMO sperm! It wouldn’t even have a tail or being able to swim! So these are fully formed sperm he has!
GMO SPERM, THE FUCK YOU SAY? So not only is Obama covered in sperm, he is covered in MONSANTO SPERM? That is sure to upset those people who protest biotech without fully understanding biotech.
Anyway, Alex Jones concludes by saying this is part of the religion of globalism and Satanism and a “ritual of abomination” and uh huh, you bet, the Olympics are on, time for yr Wonkette to look away now.
Wouldn’t want to get Nobummer’s sperm all over us anyhow.
OPEN THREAD! Don’t get jizz on it.
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