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Presented without comment:

Good invitation, House GOP!

We wanted to take this moment to note that if Maxine Waters doesn’t have to watch President Dumpster Chunks deliver his State of the Union address, we don’t have to either. It’s not like he’s going to say the following things, which are all true:

  • The state of the union is under investigation for conspiring with a hostile foreign power to steal an election, and also for SO MUCH OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.
  • The state of the union is being LOLed at by the rest of the world.
  • The state of the union is unwelcome in the UK and other civilized countries.
  • The state of the union is UNFIT FOR OFFICE.
  • The state of the union is OH MY GOD THERE IS NOT ENOUGH BOOZE IN THE WORLD to deal with watching King Poopstain Of The Best Words sound out whatever’s written on the Teleprompter for eleventy minutes.

Instead of saying those true things, Trump will say lies, because that is all he’s capable of doing. So meh, let’s fuck with his TV ratings. If something real important happens at the SOTU, we’ll write about it nice and early Wednesday morning.

There WILL be a thread here on Tuesday night for us to fellowship in, probably while we put up a video of the ROMY & MICHELLE movie. Doesn’t that sound like a much better way to enjoy the State of the Union address? We think so. (PS and by the way, there will also be a night time thread here on THURSDAY night, because our friends at Lady Parts Justice League are doing an online telethon, featuring hilarious people like Sarah Silverman and Lizz Winstead and Andy Richter and many others doing a LMAO comedy show for a good cause, which is Lady Parts Justice. You will watch it here and YOU WILL LIKE IT!)

If you are a masochist who really wants a SOTU liveblog tomorrow night, we dunno, go to Vox or something and see if Ezra will make some dick jokes to make you feel right at home. (SPOILER: he will not. Or will he????)

As for tonight, here is your OPEN THREAD. Talk about whatever you talk about.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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  • armed_bears
    • WotsAllThisThen

      Oooo… is this going to be like the baptism scene in The Godfather?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Red SOTU. Must-see TV.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “We’re settling all family business, except the business in the sequel.”

      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        I’m thinking more like the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Trump will open his mouth, light will pour out, and everyone’s face will melt.

  • Nounverb911
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Just call it the Lies of The Union, and be done with it.

  • Michael Smith
    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Our Values” are those of the GOP.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      That’s it. The Internet is won for the day!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Looks like their values have breached our trust, partnership, innovation and performance’s cell wall.

      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        Life begins when one corporation loves another corporation very much…

    • Bad Scooter

      “Our Values” = gawd, guns, and get more money

      • FlownΩver

        Oh, and forced childbirth. Because they pretty much can.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I wish the Ds would show their spines by showing him their backs.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    Smart Trumpkins are even rarer than unicorms.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    P.M. stands for Pee-hooker Mouth?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    There is absolutely nothing these schmendricks cannot fuck up simply by showing up to work in the morning.

  • onedollarjuana

    I’m going to watch the State of the Uniom with a strong cup of Irish Cofveve.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    God Bless Anerica
    Lamd that I love

    • onedollarjuana

      This lamd is your lamd, this lamd is my lamd …

    • Hobbes’ like, smart Evil Twin

      Wake up Sheeple!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Silence of the Lamds.

      • Bub, Secret Society zombie

        It puts the lotiom on its skim, or else it gets the hose agaim.

      • OneYieldRegular

        “My fallow Umaricams, helloed be thy name.”

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    Open Thread!

    Gather ’round friends for a story – a fantastical, magic, utterly impossible story! Today, a retailer honored a warranty for me – full, free replacement.

    Now, you might say, my cousin’s father’s brother’s dental hygeniest had that happen once….and I would say, okay, but was it….AT WALMART?!?!?!

    (seriously though, SUPER happy I didn’t have to drop $100 on a new car battery – almost didn’t go to walmart and only noticed the warranty sticker as they were LITERALLY ringing shit up.)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Nordstrom had better step up its game!

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        you kid, but 2 of the last 3 times I’ve been at wal-mart I’ve had excellent service. (Okay, this time wasn’t excellent service, nobody told me about the warranty, I asked about it at the last second).

        But two trips ago, they didn’t have mom’s brand of milk – THE ONLY BRAND OF MILK – turns out hte guy found it and chased me through the store to give me some.

        • suziq

          Must be because of those big bonuses they got from the corporate tax bonanza.
          I myself have never shopped at any Walmarts but I have lots of other options. YAY!

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            sadly, I do not. (well, only other corporate bastards and I hate shopping, so if I’m going to do corporate whoring, I’m only making a single stop).

          • suziq

            I understand. Plus I hear they actually have good produce and stuff in the food departments. But I just can’t go in there, it gives me the creeps.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            i hate it. I hate it hate it hate it. But I hate driving around all day to different stores that may or may not have the 6 totally different items I need.

            (If you have a walmart neighborhood market, they’re not bad. In and out in 5 minutes. Now, the milk I bought there was just barely spoiled, but otherwise.)

          • Werewolf

            No HEB in your part of the Great State?

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            nay

          • Werewolf

            :-(

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        I only go to Nordstrom for power steering fluid and crab bisque. Their batteries look pretty, but just don’t deliver the cold cranking amps promised.

    • suziq

      Congratulations! Cuz that probably won’t ever happen again.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        IKR?

  • Mike Minden

    Will not watch. I am close to an anxiety attack just thinking about it. I strongly suspect he will use the occasion to advance the totalitarian takeover.

  • bbayliss

    Since this is reality TV written by people with little imagination, here’s how I think it may go, maybe, more qualifiers…
    The “memo” will stay in the news without being released.
    The “President” will give his performance Tuesday night.
    During the performance the “President” will make multiple references to the “memo” using the terms “Believe me” and “if you only knew” concluding with, “just wait, you’ll see”.
    He will obliquely admit to obstruction. This will be explained away as a “joke” by the right, the left will examine each word and explain that the “Prez”meant exactly what he said.
    Robert Mueller will steeple his fingers and bring them to his mouth with a wry smile.
    Prior to or on, Friday a shit load of indictments come down.
    The right will holler “fake news”, “conspiracy”…Joe Blow will look up long enough to think “indictments, that’s bad. Right?”
    Life will go on.

    • canes_pugnaces

      I was with you until the Mueller part. A suspect Americans with functioning grey matter are going to be sorely disappointed when it’s Mueller time.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Q: What is the State of the Onion?

    A: At this point, there is no difference between the Onion and the NYT.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Fuck, I wouldn’t watch it, even if it had the 55-man Steelers roster, and they were playing that team that shall remain nameless.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Without Todd Haley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Unleash The Ben!

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Hey, at least his game killing fourth and 12 incompletion would be on something downfield instead of on a third consecutive wide receiver screen.

  • Nounverb911
    • msanthropesmr

      Don’t die.

      • Bub, Secret Society zombie

        Too late…

  • msanthropesmr

    Jane’s Addiction. Over or under rated. Discuss.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Overrated. I can barely hum one of their tunes.

    • A Groucho Marxist

      Me at 16 thought they were great. Me at forty-something think they are terrible, and is also concerned about the taste of sixteen-year-old me.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      Jane Says: fucking amazing.

      Been Caught Stealing: I will fight you if you so much as THINK of that song.

      • A Groucho Marxist

        Yeah, Jane Says is okay, that’s true.

    • Nockular cavity

      Scene: Local Vans store, the other day.
      My purpose there: I have a habit. Don’t judge.

      Been Caught Stealing comes over the sound system. Teen girl employee, instantly, spits out: “God, I HATE this fucking song!” You go, teen girl employee!

      • Nyumbu

        That’s a perfect song to play in a retail store, though.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Always struck me as a good live band, okay record band.

    • janecita

      Overrated, definitely.

    • biologydave

      Overrated.

      And thank you for asking

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      In their entirety, overrated. Perry Farrell, underrated.

  • Manders

    We’re going to eat the last of my husband’s amazing cupcakes and watch The Great British Bakeoff.

    (And given the above, I think it should be known as SOTUM as long as the Oaf of Office is around.)

    • msanthropesmr

      The new version? With Vince Noir?

      • Manders

        No, the old ones (seasons 1 through 4–as determined by . . . somebody, because they are not in the order originally presented) on Netflix. I think it’s the original seasons 5, 4, 6 and 7 (in that order). It’s probably easier to I.D. them by winners at this point.

        ETA: I did not know any of the above until I talked to a chef friend over drinks last night, and then went on Wikipedia to learn more. Such drama for what on the surface looked like such a cozy little show.)

    • Lance Thrustwell

      How amazing? Do they have… psychotropic ingredients?

      • Manders

        No. Just deliciousness. He’s one of those maddening people who seems to be good at pretty much anything they put their hands to. Not so maddening for me, since I’m married to him.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Great British Bakeoff is far more entertaining than the Not-So-Great American Jerkoff.

      • Daniel

        I’d have gone with “American Fake Off”, but your point stands.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    super psyched to have basketball tickets tomorrow

  • Indiepalin

    I think it’s spelled State of the Onion

    • Lance Thrustwell

      There was some IT conference address thing called State of the Onion.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      You misspelled “onyum”.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Can’ wait for The Oniom’s take.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Bets on whether the next issue will actually be entitled “The Oniom”?

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    State of the Union. Yes, yes, I look forward to hearing about Sherman’s March to the Sea

    • BreakingDeadMen

      You’ve been hearing more and more about him lately.

    • janecita

      I hope that this time he burns the whole joint down.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    reposting from this morning cause it’s super goddamn cute and I have to get reading for school done.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/203b8f80b005dc5b75cddd359c3afe6fcf97fa4dca24645cbf4c44e8d655283c.jpg

    • Villago Delenda Est

      A cat in its OTHER natural habitat, aside from a box.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Yes and no.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        she wuz waiting to strike from concealed position.

        “We needs to work on owr OPSEC.” – Commando Babby Kitty

    • Nockular cavity

      I’m joining the cat there for teh State of the Uniom speach.

    • suziq

      Aw, you really bagged a cutie there!

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        she’s super duper sweet too.

        “I iz not kute – i iz fierce!” – Babby Kitty

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Aww. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Something about letting the cat out of the bag.

    • Jenny
    • redarmyzombie

      Is that asshole cat? That looks just like my asshole cat!

  • renegade500

    I’m so glad I have dinner plans with a fundraiser from my alumni association tomorrow. (I hope she’s picking up the tab. I don’t have much money. After all, I’m a state employee.)

  • Nyumbu

    So, on SuperBowl Sunday we like to watch old sports movies and eat junk food, because the SuperBowl is really all about the junk food, isn’t it? I’m thinking SOTU night should be about watching presidential movies and eating junk food. Help me pick a movie. I’ll throw these two out there to get started:
    Being There
    Wag the Dog

    • memzilla Ω

      A Face in the Crowd
      All the King’s Men

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The Immaturian Candidate

    • renegade500

      I recently saw The Post, and now I really want to see All the King’s Men, so I second that nomination.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I think “Baby’s Day Out” is more apropos.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        there’s an animated movie on Netflix called baby boss or baby ceo or something.

    • Grizzly

      Dave

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Ditto on Dave!

        “The American President” for romantic schtick.

    • A Groucho Marxist

      Bedtime for Bonzo.

      Wait, I think you meant something else.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Binge as much of West Wing as you can that day?

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      My Fellow Americans
      Dick

      • Nyumbu

        Never heard of either, but the first one might be the winner.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          Dick was surprisingly funny – two high school girls basically Forrest Gump their way into causing all of Nixon’s problems that got him to resign.

        • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

          First one has Jack Lemmon and James Garner in it, and it’s kinda like “Grumpy Old Men” but as ex-Presidents.

    • BillEGoatSmirk

      Game Change.

      • Nyumbu

        Horror is really not my genre, but thanks anyway.

        • BillEGoatSmirk

          But there’s a happy ending.

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      The Candidate.
      (Robert Redford is the star, if it matters.)

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        I like that movie. Reminds me of an “American Trudeau.” That and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, although I don’t think the Canadian parliament system has the filibuster like the U.S. Congress does.

    • Teto85

      The American President. Michael Douglas, Martin Sheen. Written by Aaron Sorkin. Events leading up to a SOTU.
      The Crossing, But that’s really about Washington crossing the Delaware and opening a can of whoop ass on the Hessians. But Jeff Daniels as GW is good.
      Mars Attacks. Jack Nicholson as the Pres and Natalie Portman as his daughter.
      Suddenly. 1954 B&W classic about a foiled assassination attempt from the assassin’s (Frank Sinatra) point of view.

  • Asterix

    I will not be watching. I’d rather pull out my own toenails than watch trump “deliver” the SOTU.

    • Bub, Secret Society zombie

      I’d like to see Trump “deliver” a large watermelon.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Quell morans.

  • A Groucho Marxist

    Me watching depends on whether or not the SOTU will be scripted or or if he is going to do his normal stream of consciousness bunglefuck. Because I’ll watch bunglefuck, but his forced and halting attempts at reading a teleprompter aren’t worth my time.

    • Nyumbu

      He’ll start out reading from the teleprompter but he’ll veer off script at least once. Whether he manages to get back on track is the only unknown.

      • A Groucho Marxist

        That’s a solid prediction.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s quite possible that the first time he’s seen the speech is when he first looks at the teleprompter, because rehearsing is just too fucking boring for baby Donald.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      We need a new Joe Wilson to jump up and say “You lie!”

      Except it will start to resemble an aerobics workout.

  • amrak63

    Edumakashum iz fer heathen librul cuckz and fagz, yew libtardz!!!1!

  • bluicebank

    I was thinking of watching it tomorrow. But then I realized I had to drill out a few of my teeth using the cobalt steel drill bit. I’ll go with the 8th-inch one, then tap the holes for those machine screws laying around.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’m afraid I’ve never been a big SOTU fan, regardless of the President, because it’s always something milquetoast like “the state of our Union is strong”, and here’s my agenda to make it EVEN BETTER. With Donald, it’s going to be “I’m responsible for everything positive, and that Obama character is responsible for everything negative.”

    • Gigglesnort

      Also Mooslims. And Jooz. And Messicans.

    • Daniel

      It really is black and white.

  • Ninja0980

    I’ll be having my rum & koke tomorrow.
    Only way I can stand the state of the uniom speech.

    • Nyumbu

      You misspelled Koch.

      • bbayliss

        You owe me one.

  • Nounverb911
  • thewalkindude

    Bernie Marcus, co-founder of Home Depot on the billionaire tax cut-

    “They are going to do smart things. They are going to make smart moves, and that will take a period of time, just like the small businesses. This is not going to turn overnight. Corporations are not going to open 14 buildings overnight,” Marcus said on Fox News. “Come on, give me a break, you’ve got to use your brains. I mean, Democrats, use your stupid brains, you don’t have any stupid brains and don’t understand what happens.”

    • TJ Barke

      I understand that this has never actually happened after previous tax cuts.

    • bbayliss

      Because I do not have a “stupid brain” I do not shop at Home Depot.
      Locally owned hardware stores sell things like custom cut panes of glass, and have employees that do not look at me as though I’ve asked them to explain quantum mechanics, when I want to know where the plumbing fixtures are.

    • SayItWithWookies

      “Yes, Mo-ooooom of course I did my algebra homework — sheeeesh — why do you even ask?” [Dashes out door].

  • Andy Richter is the funniest lesbian of comedy.

    • suziq

      He once saved the Universe! Many people do not know that.

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        And won an Emmy after the show had been cancelled…

        • suziq

          I really liked that show, wish other people would have watched it.

          • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

            It didn’t have enough tittysplosions and lame jokes with canned laughter to pass muster with American audiences.

      • Teto85

        Meh. Two of my cats did that last week

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    As the Uniom troops prepared their covfefe, the Confederate troops swarmed over the ridge. Thus began the Bowling Green Massacre, prelude to the River of Blood.

    • canes_pugnaces

      Herman’s Match… And the Siege of Atlantic.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Surging up against the Atlantic Wall

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      You spelled Covfeferate wrong.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Never froget!

    • Fartknocker

      Fortunate for the Uniom troops, the H.L. Hunley, the Confederates one and only submarine that fought in the Civil War, sank only one ship, but failed three times killing 21 Confederates.
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H._L._Hunley_(submarine)

    • “M”

      You only think you’re kidding – BREAKING https://twitter.com/TheBeatWithAri/status/958120976058896385

    • KenTFM

      ^ I don’t care who you are but that s^&t is funny.

  • Crystalclear12

    My tax dollars at work.
    Fuck.

    • Nounverb911

      Hey it’s simple, just become a billionaire and you have to pay any.

  • Daniel

    “The State of the Onion” was the line the snarky parts of the internet were going with but there’s only so many ways to say “redundant”.

  • Nounverb911
  • Chyron HR

    Uniom? What, the little brain guy that rides around in a fat naked robot’s stomach?

    • Parakeetist

      Wha

  • bbayliss

    Natasha Bertrands first article for the Atlantic:
    “The House Intelligence Committee chair claimed he’d been completely cleared, but the panel probing his conduct never gained access to the intelligence he was accused of divulging.”
    https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2018/01/devin-nunes-controversy/551792/

  • mrFawkes

    Tomorrow night i will be yelling “you lime” at my gin & tonic. Fuck watching Drumpf and his Nuremberg address…I’ve already lost two teevees from his previous speeches. Damn brick.

    • A Groucho Marxist

      When I was really little, they used to sell these foam bricks that people could throw at their TV sets and I remember thinking that adults must be really weird. Someone should start selling those again.

      • mrFawkes

        The woman who keeps me somewhat sane and in control of my trump rage, got me a Nerf gun I fire at the teevee now.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • little miss high and mighty

    OT but we have to say this before beddy bye :German Gov’t-forming discussions now kinda deadlocked:
    The reason :the JUSOS (Jr Social Demorats- like in NLB, they’re like AA)
    OK these Jusos just registered tens of thousands of formerly undeclared (mostly young) voters into their party. They they had voting rights and so they all voted gainst joining the CDU/CSU in a coalition.
    Thus saving their elders in the REAL SPD a major KowTowing and looking like accomplices in the new GROKO’s immigration limits and abandonment of formerly held climate goals.
    Well, somebody had to step in.
    The kids are all right.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

    https://twitter.com/rudepundit/status/958095623936503813 It is a thought which has never crossed my mind.

    • Covfefe

      Think about this. Comey learned he was discharged because someone left a TV on as he was about to deliver his speech. That was humiliating. Allowing Comey to fly back to Washington on the FBI plane takes some of the sting out of the humiliation. No loyal Trumpeteer would allow that.

  • azeyote

    i just don’t hate myself, or the t.v. enough, to watch this pompous mean spirited rich fuck gloat over what he’s been doing to this country, and what the plan is –

  • Daniel

    Predictions for how many “is this the pivot?” stories we’ll see after tomorrow night?

    Predictions for how long (in Planck time if necessary) it will take for Trump to shit the bed again?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Am I remembering correctly cow shit bingo where you complete your bingo card based on where in a grid some cows shit? There’s a Trump parallel there somewhere.

      • bupkus231

        You know, I think that’s a real thing. I heard a local ( AM ) radio station interview guy talking with the head of a local charity about their upcoming cowchip bingo game….

        OMG – http://www.fundraiserhelp.com/cow-chip-fundraiser.htm

      • weighmaster

        Well, that’s how it works with chicken shit bingo, on a smaller scale.

    • Lulu’s Mom

      Not planning on watching “reporters” & pundits swooning over how *presidential* Shitler is. Got some good stuff queued up on the DVR.

  • Jenny

    So will Trump’s golf property be on the sotu bingo card?

  • Mr. White

    No way I could watch this and not end up in the ER due to an aneurism

  • Teto85

    Sorry, but no. I have tickets to the Warriors game and I’ll be leaving work early to watch Steph Curry’s warm up.

  • biologydave

    I was cleaning the garage this weekend and found a rehearsal disc of a band I was in. My god, it was bloody AWFUL. Part of me wants to snap it half, but the other part wants to keep it as a cautionary tale.

    • biologydave

      UPDATE:
      I introduced the disc to Mr Hammer and Mr Hammer won

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Can’t happen this year due to it being too close to the beginning of Spring Training, but the Cleveland Indians have agreed to remove the Chief Wahoo logo effective in 2019.

  • Fire and Fury Demme

    Good call.
    Even a live bloog on my beloved Wonkette couldn’t make me watch that bloviating sack of shit!

  • Crystalclear12

    Do I need to hear a wrap up of the first year of occupation?

    NO

  • James Baskin

    Luckily for me, I have yoga class tomorrow night and I never miss.

  • maman

    I am warning all that if Drumpf mentions in inauguration stats I will be drinking my entire (substantial) liquor cupboard.

  • Nounverb911

    ROGER, where’s your seat belt Roger?

    https://twitter.com/RealAlexJones/status/958101728917966850

  • Antonin Dvorak

    Will we livebloog Joe III’s response?

  • Daniel

    I would love for someone to start singing La Marseillaise during his speech.

  • bluicebank

    The SOTU will occur on the eve of a triple Super Moon, Blue Moon and Blood Moon.

    Cats and dogs have been seen booking Motel 6 rooms.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      My planet has only one moon.

      • bluicebank

        Well, Wednesday morning will be like the Holy Trinity, except actually one.

    • weighmaster

      Lunar eclipse, also, too.

      • bluicebank

        aka a Blood Moon.

        • weighmaster

          I did not know that, thank you.

        • weighmaster

          After several other articles on the subject popped up over the course of the day, I had to look up Blood moon. Apparently this refers to the reddish color of the moon due to the sun’s rays striking it at a certain angle. I don’t learn something new every day, but still rather often :)

    • valgalky23

      trump doesn’t usually fair well during full moons. You can match up the last year’s worth with corresponding events if you’re up to it. I’ve just paid attention as a curiosity.

      • bluicebank

        It’s when the witches come out. Word around the cauldron is they’re brewing a thing just for the Vulgarian.

      • keinsignal

        He also does especially poorly during the new moon. And also every other phase of the moon.

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • Nounverb911

      Putin’s gonna be sitting right behind him in Mike Pence’s seat.

      • altleftjohn

        The wonder is you’ll barely notice Vlad’s lips moving.

        • SkinlessGenderlessMan

          Will Vlad be wearing a large animal exam glove?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Maybe they meant “State of the Unisom” — which is doing great because nobody I know has been sleeping nights without some sort of medicinal helper.

    • BillEGoatSmirk

      Didn’t Unisom hire Ben Carson as their spokesperson?

  • Nounverb911

    So is this Melania’s date for the SOTU? Is Melania coming to the SOTU? Has anyone seen Melania? When does Ivanka move back into the White House?

    https://twitter.com/FLOTUS/status/954748876887592960

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Someone left her off-leash. Ain’t never coming back.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie
  • TJ Barke

    “America’s great, the economy’s yooge, thanks mostly to Obama, but it’s looking better thanks to reckless speculation engendered by anti consumer, anti worker, pro business policies that are part and parcel with republican administrations, it’s yooge, bugly.”

    • bbayliss

      Funny how Obama’s so, so economy became terrific!
      over night.

      • TJ Barke

        Yup. His totally phony unemployment numbers suddenly became magically true .

  • GasGrossLeftists

    Liberals do not believe there is a fundamental right to keep and bear arms, but DO believe there is a fundamental right of a woman to vacuum her baby’s brain out because bringing it to term would be inconvenient, and for a man to insert his raging member into another man’s rear end and call it “consummating a marriage.”

    • TJ Barke

      Tell me how pro life you are with your advocacy of mass murdering your political opposition.

    • MANGO CRIMES

      OK thanks for explaining that you love treason because of your terror of women; I’d expect nothing less.

    • bbayliss

      GasGrossLeftists an hour ago
      The problem with the “anti-racist” liberals is that they think it’s cool for a gay man to blow a ginormous load into another man’s b*tthole. That kind of kills their credibility on everything else.
      I detect a pattern, a yearning, needy, pattern.

    • Nounverb911

      Знает ли твоя мать, что ты снова вышел из подвала?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Бутерброд, пожалуйста.

        • CptnEng2311

          может быть, мини-пицца?

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁
      • SisterArtemis

        yep, sounds very much like him. AND it’s the end of the month, his usual time to come a-visiting

    • armed_bears

      “Raging?” I think you are doing it wrong…

      (and i am a gun owner…)

      • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

        Turgid Rage Muscle?

        • armed_bears

          A rose by any other name…

        • William

          He likes to chime in again and share his preoccupation with anal sex.

      • William

        No matter what the subject is, TLM will ALWAYS want to steer the conversation to anal sex.

        • GasGrossLeftists

          What else is there?

          • William

            Well the subject is abortion, but at least we know what occupies your mind.

          • Daniel

            …wow.

        • BillEGoatSmirk

          It’s because of his wide stance.

  • Scooby

    Trump is going to give himself an A+++++++++++

  • SomeBigRedDog

    It never pays to piss off the little guys. I bet Trump has never eaten a restaurant meal without someone’s bodily fluids in it and today someone working for minimum wage at a print shop had the most fun of his life.

  • Zonath

    SOTU? Boring. The main event is the next day when Shuckabee-Scammers goes up and lies about the television ratings for the speech.

    • Daniel

      “There have never been more states in the union. Period.”

  • Roger Wilco

    This part of his upcoming speech could become an issue. Please don’t share this till after Tuesday naught.
    Ahh, but the strawberries that’s… that’s where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with… geometric logic… that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox DID exist, and I’d have produced that key if they hadn’t of pulled the Caine out of action. I, I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officers… Captain Queeg:

  • William

    Will Huckabeast take the bullshit pulpit afterwards and defend whatever stupid shit he spews? I mean it’s getting old. 1. Trump says stupid shit, roll out the gargoyle to scold the media for reporting it. Repeat.

  • anon_the_great

    So how much you wanna bet Stephen Miller will be escorted out after he lunges at a Dreamer or two in the House rotunda before Twitler’s State of the Madman address?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      They’ll have his shock-collar on. It’ll be okay.

      • anon_the_great

        While I’m in a sportin’ mood, how much on Stevie’s shock collar being an electric cock ring?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “The state of the union is yoooge, not that I believe in unions. I have single-handedly resuscitated the boring, bankrupt posterboard industry. I had millions — mill-i-ons –marching around the world to celebrate the anniversary of my Inauguration…”

  • Nounverb911
  • Jenny

    Looking forward to the headlines like: “Trump says something crazy.” “Least watched presidential address in modern times.” “Trump says this, his tweets say that.” “Didn’t step on tiny dick, now presidential.”

    • Daniel

      Trump Reads: Proves Doubters Wrong.

      No Shitting On The Floor- is he our greatest President ever?

      Trump Eats Glass In Defiant Display Of Strength: The Moment He Became President

      No You Can’t! His Greatest Speech.

  • bbayliss

    He’s baaaaack. Here’s a preemptive taste:
    GasGrossLeftists 36 minutes ago
    F*** you Obama, you’re a horrible POS.

    GasGrossLeftists an hour ago
    Conservatives care about protecting the right to keep and bear arms, to free speech, to free worship, and to private property. Liberals care about protecting the right to kill babies and to ejaculate a major load into the colons of other men.

    • TJ Barke

      God, don’t do his posting for him.

    • I’m sorry, that’s offensive. I care about protecting the right to ejaculate a load of ANY SIZE into another (consenting adult) man!

    • anon_the_great

      Sounds like this paste eater knows a thing or two about semen and colons.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      Question. Is this really TLM?

      • SisterArtemis

        will we ever really know? but sure sounds like him.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Who then? Loads into colons seems to be a trademark, no?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        He did not use the word ‘turgid’, so there’s that.

    • memzilla Ω

      I see Turgid Love Muscle has another alias.

    • Parakeetist

      Hi, TLM. You should be banned because your user i.d. is a death threat.

    • James Baskin

      “and to ejaculate a major load into the colons of other men.”
      I’m sure you’re the expert on how big the loads men ejaculate into other men are.

  • So, noted asshole and crack-smoking Toronto mayor Rob Ford has a brother named Doug. Doug is apparently cancelling his bid for the mayorship of Toronto in order to pursue the leadership of the Ontario Progressive (lol) Conservative party, on account of the former leader was just forced out due to some ALLEGED (but if you read the reports, incredibly credible) gross sex-perving on former staff members.

    Doug Ford is a former drug dealer with links to organized crime, so while there most likely won’t be any crack videos, this will still be funny (unless he wins and becomes the Premier, which would SUCK MASSIVE DONKEY BALLS, ’cause he’s every inch the unqualified dick that his brother was.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Fingers crossed that the lunacy down here doesn’t slop up onto you.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      I saw that earlier. Gawd, the cons are a spectacular disaster. Moneybags Mulroney’s daughter just hired Scheer’s Rebel Media “IT guy” who’s probably going to turn her candidacy (I forget what she’s running for, Premier too?) into a Nazi fundie fest, just like wee Andy and his club of knuckle-dragging tiki bros. Whether Kathy gets another term or not, I really don’t think Ontario is dumb enough on the whole to elect anyone from the Regressive Conservatives for the top job. A random drunk trash panda with his snout stuck in a bag of Funyuns out back of the LCBO is better qualified than anyone from the cons. The party of perverts, drug dealers, and Lyin’ Brian’s Irish Ivanka and her James Damore boyfriend. Low-energy dopey losers. Sad.

      • With the stupid electoral system up here (I mean, not as stupid as the electoral college, but first past the post in a multi-party system is pretty dumb…) we always have to watch for the NDP playing spoilers. Wynne did a lot of crap early on that I hated, but she’s really gotten her shit together, and frankly… I just don’t see how I could vote for the NDP in their current state (unless I’m doing it strategically, which I may have to…) and I’d rather have every hair on my head ripped out with a power drill than vote PC/Cons…

        We need to enact a better system of balloting here, then I can feel comfortable, until then I know there are enough idiots that the PCs might get 40%, which might be enough depending on the NDP showing…

        • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

          Fallback scenario, Rebel Media gets audited and investigated and the cons collapse. Ezra’s malodorous legacy forever taints the cons just like every Republican who’s been poisoned by the infection of Trumpstank. Same goes for Harperstank. The party of toxic bigotry and toxoplasmosis.

    • Erala Contratista

      Mmmmmmmm read “asscrack smoking” hmmmmmm

      • He had more than enough to eat at home… Maybe he had more than enough to smoke at home too…

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    “This is the first time — many people are saying that it’s a record — that this is the first time any President, believe me, has ever spoken before this elegant, beautiful — but not good in some ways, very disloyal to me personally, which is, ya know, that doesn’t bother me. I don’t listen to the haters. Millions of people are watching this, just like they did my inauguration. The biggest ever. Everyone said I couldn’t win. But, and many people don’t know this; I was the first person to ever win the Electoral College. Nobody ever campaigned to win electoral votes before. And this is the first time a President has ever given a speech like this — that, I just came up with a tremendous name, the State of the Union — to Congress.”

    • Do you think he could ramble that long with out “No collusion, no collusion, everyone says there’s no collusion, even Democrats, and there’s no obstruction…”?

    • Marion in Savannah

      Just a small PSA here, so consider yourself warned. If you keep up doing that, no matter HOW good you are at it, you may start to hurt your brane. Remember that when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you, and that’s much easier to cope with than channeling Trump.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Misspelled ‘ass’.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        iow- your face will freeze like that

      • People don’t realise than 2005-2007, those 4chan scamps WERE “ironically” talking like Nazis for the lulz. Then they actually ended up believing it. Ref: Vonnegut, Mother Night

        • I used to read/post on 4chan all the time, back when the users REALIZED THAT IT WAS A JOKE. They’re now so stupid that they don’t get their own joke. That’s just… baffling.

          • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

            I think that’s how self-radicalization happens. Now it’s downright dangerous.

          • I think the user base used to be misfits and outcasts, and slowly very stupid people started joining and thinking “this is how you’re supposed to act and think”, when the whole damn point of it was that it was tongue in cheek and something that misfits and outcasts did for a laugh. 4chan used to have a pretty serious “justice” element (particularly when it came to animal cruelty or child abuse), now it’s just a bunch of racist assholes who are too stupid to get that they are now the joke.

    • OutOfOrbit

      One applause and tRump will be off script trying to play up whatever he said

      • Bad Scooter

        I love how he says, “thank you” when people applaud during his speeches as if he thinks they are telling him “good boy” instead of indicating agreement with whatever hateful thing he just said.

    • Earl Of Secret Sammich Society

      ^^^Way too coherent. Sad.^^^

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        Covfeferent

    • james crubb

      How many chuckle heads gonna stand for his words?

  • Tetman Callis

    If I thought there was a chance some Democrat Congerzperson would shout “YOU LIE!” at some point (or at many points) of Caca de Baca’s public wank-fest, I might watch.

    Nah. I wouldn’t. I’d catch it later on the YooToobz.

    • Jonny On Maui

      After every statement the dems should all stand and shout, “You lie!”

  • ManchuCandidate

    Luk for da Uniom labell.

  • Nasty Candy Apple

    I haven’t watched a single speech Donald Dipshit has given in the last year, why would I watch the SOTU?

    • Crystalclear12

      Your wisdom is profound.

    • TJ Barke

      His gross unearned self satisfaction make me want to break all the things.

      • SisterArtemis

        Well, to be fair, SOME of the things need breaking. Use your powers for good, not evil!

    • OneYieldRegular

      I’m planning to watch the STFU speech instead.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    https://youtu.be/aqlO-vMViSY

    – Sir, it’s your brother.
    – Lies ! It’s not my brother, it’s a telephone !
    – It’s your brother on the telephone.
    – You should have told me.

  • Crystalclear12

    Time for that pivot!

  • CATMAN

    I’m gonna unplug the TV so I don’t accidentally turn it on for this shitpile and ruin my evening

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      I’m gonna binge-watch 24 on Amazon Prime. I have a crush on Kiefer Sutherland and swwoooooonnnnnn his eyelashes are so dreamy.

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        Did you know his grandpa, Tommy Douglas, was a Canadian MP who spearheaded the effort to have single-payer healthcare there?

        I really think having “Jack Bauer” be the spokesman for national healthcare would convince even the most hardcore Fox viewers that it’s as American as American can be.

        Reagan can go pound sand.

        • Nasty Candy Apple

          This is a thing that should happen.

  • theresa

    Will his dentures stay in?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Oh the places my mind is going. . .

  • Alexander Stallwitz
    • Marion in Savannah

      Yep. I’d rather shove bamboo slivers under my fingernails.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    I needz the Wonkette brain trust – who can recommend a decent tablet, BESIDES iPad. I haz little monies and my ancient ipad is behaving anciently.

    Thx.

    • TJ Barke

      Samsung purportedly makes decent products.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        i love their flat screens, I have one and TX mom has two.

        • TJ Barke

          I’ve got a galaxy s4 mini smartphone that’s been humming along for 3-4 years now.

      • SisterArtemis

        Other than my first, which was a Google Nexus, I’ve had samsung tablets for both personal and work use. They’ve been pretty easy to deal with, and not too expensive.

    • Jonny On Maui

      I prefer capsules…

    • Jenny

      I had a lenovo tab for a while until my bitchy dog got mad at me for ignoring her and bit through the screen.

      I had trouble finding someone to fix it, so I threw it out and got a samsung 7. It was 100 bucks, easy to find replacement screens if needed, and best buy will price match if you find it lower. Still working, although the son uses it more than I do. Tends to happen with stuff I buy for myself.

    • BillEGoatSmirk

      I bought an ASUS with a detachable keyboard about 5 years ago, and it’s been a workhorse. I use it for 90% of my work cuz’ my laptop croaked awhile ago, and I use it to watch about 75% of my teevee. Other than the battery not holding a charge for too long in the last 6 months, it was well worth the $375 I paid for it.

      • Me_And_My_Arrow

        An ANUS with a detachable keyboard? What will they think of next?

    • keinsignal

      We got a bunch of Samsung TM-113s for a work project and they’re reasonably capable little Androids for super cheap. I was mostly about testing the security on them, not the performance though.

      The Amazon Fire tabs can be got for next to nothing (sort of a loss-leader product for AMZ), and I hear some of them are good.

      Of course a used recent-vintage iPad might be your best option if you want to keep all your apps & stuff. It’s not too hard to find refurbs and similar at a pretty reasonable price – in particular, might be worth checking pawn shops or those little mobile phone repair shops that seem to crop up anywhere cheap storefront space is available.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        thanks for the input. I see the Amazon Fire ones on here….the ipad at walmart was $329 and that’s not bad.

        I worry about the Android os though, I’ve never used it.

        • Marion in Savannah

          When they work the Amazon Fire is great, but I’ve had two that have suddenly turned into paper weights after about 3 years. However, at the price…

    • capnkrunch

      I’ve been using my Nexus 10 for over 4 years now and it still runs OK. You could probably find the 2013 Nexus 7 for a good price on ebay. Since they’re unsupported you should probably be comfortable rooting and installing 3rd party firmware to get/keep it up to date.

  • cheetojeebus

    Wish the Congressional Black Caucus would take a knee for it-that is if they are there. That would make it very hard for him to stay on message. Hilarity would ensue.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      omg that would be amazing

  • Juan de Fuca

    I’m assuming ahead of time that it sounded better in the original Italian and pass.

    • Most things, when translated into mush-brained gibberish, do tend to lose something in the translation.

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • wait! what?
    • Marion in Savannah

      Oh I do so pray that’s true!

    • redarmyzombie

      The Revolution will be televised laughing.

    • “I could have fixed it, but I didn’t..”

    • wide_stance_hubby

      I sincerely hope the ‘an worker’ is ironic. I can’t tell anymore.

  • OneYieldRegular

    So is “union” deliberately misspelled so that Trump’s team of lawyers can later claim that he never said any such thing that he’ll say tonight, that everything he said was all about the “uniom” and not the “union,” as anyone can plainly see, so there, harrumph, gotcha suckers?

    • TJ Barke

      Since we’re living in The Onion, possibly…

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Worked for the Moops.

    • Rags

      Watch- will the American flag behind the podium have gold fringe????!!!??

      • OneYieldRegular

        “Dom’t Tread om Me.”

  • nightmoth

    Wonder how the NYT will report it the day after? They’ve probably already written a brown-nosing headline, no matter how awful the SOTU speech turns out to be.

  • Nounverb911
    • wide_stance_hubby

      But he has nothing to contribute.

    • Marion in Savannah

      So he’s in charge of buying lunch for everyone? I can’t possibly think of any other contribution he could make.

      • Nounverb911

        Well, certainly NOT paying for lunch.

    • SisterArtemis

      He’s not a completely stupid person, though his ethics seem be rather off kilter. Maybe he’ll smarten up some and be an inside-game critic of the more ridiculous GOP antics.

      And, yes, I AM an eternal optimist, why do you ask?

    • Thiazin Red

      Is there anyone who actually wants that? What market are they targeting here?

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Right? Hire a guy with a nothing approval rating? Stupid.

    • William

      This just in. ABC cafeteria staff reacts to the hiring of Chris Christie by the network. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d504fc37cd44cda4d4dee322f3d7f9422fb130263e691a9be0a0d7ac8b7a8236.jpg

    • BMW

      Is he still under investigation for stuff?

    • onedollarjuana

      Trying to match NBC’s Megyn Kelly hire ass-for-ass.

  • Thiazin Red

    The weather on Riverdale is really starting to bother me. Now, I appreciate that the show is ridiculous over the top trash, but it does. Like the season 1 finale it was winter and Archie had to punch through a frozen river. But a couple episodes later it appears to be summer. It was a snowy Christmas on the show two episodes ago, but then it was summer again, and then it looked to be the beginning of the school year. Then it was fall on racist founder day, then back to summer.

    Just set that damn show in the south if production can’t be bothered to keep the seasons consistent.

    Still, I do appreciate Betty’s commitment to wearing expensive Ted Baker sweaters almost exclusively no matter what the apparent weather.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    I can summarize the State of the Union in two words: Fucked Up.

    • SisterArtemis

      Perhaps you’d like to present the Wonketariat Response to the speech?

      • Raan

        I propose that the Wonketariat Rebuttal is Rebecca (or Dok or whoever feels up to the challenge) drinking a fifth of whiskey straight from the bottle while staring angrily into a camera.

        • SisterArtemis

          They could do it like “Drunk History” – that would be fun!

      • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

        That nice Kennedy boy is delivering the Democrats’ response at a local vo-tech high school not too far from where I grew up.

      • tza

        I’d offer but I’ll be asleep by then. At least I know I’m not missing anything of value.

        • SisterArtemis

          You could just video tape yourself sleeping. That would make for a fine, fine response to the SOTU.

  • From Prezdint stubby fanger…. Check box next to “YES” if you like me…. Check box next to “NO” if you want to go to Guantanamo.

    • Raan

      Add a separate box: “Go Fuck Yourself”.

    • CALLED IT!!! Guantanamo for everyone! Yay!

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie
    • biologydave

      Because of course they did

    • OTB

      Oh. My. God.

    • James Baskin

      OMG! is that his little dick?

    • redarmyzombie

      *sigh*

    • Raan
      • Werewolf

        Peridot has the greatest facial expressions.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      That’s ok, no one watches ABC anyway.

      • gallbladder

        It was once said that if ABC covered the Vietnam War, it’d had been over in two weeks.

    • TJ Barke

      Because we need to hear from more republican criminals?

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Democratic politician ends their career, they must disappear into oblivion.
      Republican politician ends their career, they get to spend the rest of their life dining on the media’s credit cards.

      • keinsignal

        Special exemption for Democrats who are openly critical of other Democrats, of course.

    • Earl Of Secret Sammich Society

      ABC? Isn’t that the plumbing supply place down the road?

      • BadKitty904

        It’s a liquor store Down Here, appropriately enough.

    • Who the FUCK wants to hear what the least popular governor in the history of human civilization has to say about ANYTHING?

      • Nasty Candy Apple

        Less popular than Pontius Pilate!

        • At least he handled the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation,
          roads, the fresh-water system, and public health. What has Christ Christie
          ever done for us?

    • BadKitty904

      What’s he gonna do, traffic reports? “You’ll wanna avoid the X bridge, if ya know what’s good for ya…

    • Nyumbu

      I’ll never recover from seeing that toe of a camel with bunions.

    • Nasty Woman Persisted

      It’s so tiny!

    • SayItWithWookies

      And by contributor, they mean detractor.

  • BMW
  • Justin Thyme

    It’s about the ratings so, no, I’m out. Prolly watch a Stormy Daniels video. Hey, she should live-stream!

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      I was day-dreaming Elizabeth Warren inviting Stormy as her SOTU guest. It won’t happen, of course, ‘cuz Liz is way classier and less vindictive than I am, but it would have been awesome.

  • La forza del resistino

    I’ll watch just to see how many times he strikes a Mussolini pose following applause lines.

  • Nounverb911
    • redarmyzombie

      Yeah, but then it will be longer, sooo, catch-22…

  • Me not sure

    What’s all this that I’m hearing about a “State of the Grunion Speech?”
    https://youtu.be/m8FAiXLVPOU

    • Justin Thyme

      Blues. perfect.

  • Nounverb911

    Jared Kushner did something useful for once!
    https://twitter.com/ASankin/status/958076339046662144

    • Thiazin Red

      Fuck you! Don’t make me think good thoughts about Kushner!

    • BadKitty904

      Nevertheless, he still owes us. 10 to 20, minimum.

    • keinsignal

      Fk that. Given the choice between these two, I’ll take Fieri’s overenthusiastically-presented slop and Smash Mouth haircut over Kushner’s banal malevolence any day.

    • Zonath

      Maybe I missed something, but why is everyone so down on Guy Fieri? Sure, he looks like he probably drips sweat on everything he cooks, but he doesn’t seem any worse than any of the other celebrity “chefs” out there.

    • Gut Fieri is *WAY* less offensive than Kushner.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I can’t help it — unless I get dragged away I’ll probably watch. I mean, how much longer are we going to have firsthand experience of the most extreme example of the Peter Principle ever? And, like NASCAR, there’s always the hope that some truly weird shit will go down.

  • Thiazin Red

    This is how the SOTU will go. Trump will manage to read it without shitting his pants or saying anything too overtly racist. The media will fall all over itself for the millionth time saying “pivot” “presidential” because they apparently don’t remember the million times that they’ve said it before.

    Sanders will do the response and make it all about himself. Alleged left wingers will the launch into another round of Clinton bashing.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Rep. Joe Kennedy III is doing the official response.

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        And some segments of the left have been critical on Twitter about it, saying that the Dems should have picked a woman, a POC, or a woman POC instead.

        • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

          Ginger isn’t a minority? He’s practically a redheaded albino. Extreme absence of color has got to count for something, at least in the horseshoe-theory model…

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Even The Doctor can’t seem to nail ginger.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Professor?

    • BadKitty904

      I thought Auntie Maxine was doing the Dem response. Who the fuck is going to watch Sanders? We would’ve just listened to an elderly traitor maundering on for ages about nothing…

  • BadKitty904

    Will there be tapas? Is the bar complimentary or cash?

  • Marla

    Wonder how many in the Democratic Senate will boycott the FAT mans speech.

  • Juan de Fuca

    O/T but watching Chris Cillizza on CNN a few minutes ago, I was reminded of reason #32 why he irritates me so much – he’s the douchebag news reporter (Dick Thornburg) from Die Hard 2, the guy who thinks he’s bigger than every story he reports on and ends up getting tazed by John McClain’s wife on a hijacked airplane.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      William Atherton libel.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      He was in the original Die Hard. That’s why Holly tazed him: she wanted revenge. He harassed their housekeeper with an immigration threat if she didn’t let him in to talk to John and Holly’s little kids.

      There’s a bizarre fan theory that Die Hard is a parallel American universe to Harry Potter (with Snape/Gruber as the common denominator). Holly is Hermione, a surrogate for J.K. Rowling, who punches Thornburg as a sort of brief wish-fulfillment segment (sort of breaking the fourth wall… by breaking his nose, I guess). Rowling’s actual abusive ex-husband was a TV presenter in Portugal.

      • Juan de Fuca

        That’s pretty cool. I knew the backstory to Die Hard (because it’s Die Hard) but didn’t know about the theory about the backstory re. Harry Potter or Rowling’s ex-husband being a TV presenter in Portugal but have read something about him being abusive towards her. He really does sound like an asshole. Good on J.K. for rising far above that bullshit.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Umm. Doesn’t that almost apply to all Shakespeare plays also, too?

      • HarryButtle

        I think he was in both Die Hard and Die Hard 2 (he had a restraining order against her in this one?). She punched him in the face in the first one, tazed him in the second one…I think.

      • oh that’s awesome.

  • Ninja0980

    https://twitter.com/TheAdvocateMag/status/958022172189982720
    Meet Mr and Mr. I’ve got mine fuck you!

    • redarmyzombie

      Ugh…

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Thank you. This is not the dream anyone ever had.

    • Thiazin Red

      I don’t get it. Do you just love money so much that allying yourself with people who consider you less than human is okay?

      • Ninja0980

        Yes, that or you hate women/other minority groups etc.
        Been true of every homocon I’ve known.

        • TJ Barke

          Misogynist gays are strange birds…

          • wide_stance_hubby

            Drag sometimes makes me uncomfortable, because it can border on misogyny.

          • Canned Covfefe

            First, kina, sorta, yes they are. Second, not really.

        • redarmyzombie

          Ugh, ain’t that the fuckin’ truth…

    • SayItWithWookies

      I vote that whoever picked out their ties, the other one does it from now on.

      • redarmyzombie

        But what if…they *both* did…

        • SayItWithWookies

          Then they deserve each other. Ugh.

      • I’d wear the tie on the right, not going to lie.

        I also have TERRIBLE fashion sense, and wear things that make me laugh, so I’m not claiming it’s good, just that *I* would wear it.

  • Daniel Hooper

    Me in real life: All life is precious and must be preserved. I could never bring a hand up to hurt any animal or person.

    Me in Monster Hunter World: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! HOW MANY MORE OF YOU FUCKERS DO I HAVE TO KILL SO I CAN GET THE LAST PART TO MAKE MY HAT?!?!

    • TJ Barke

      Goddamn Anjaranths!

      • Daniel Hooper

        Seriously! I just need a plate to finish my set! Desire sensor’s in full effect with this game…

        • TJ Barke

          Taste my charge blade, foul beasts!

    • Thiazin Red

      That sounds like me playing Dragon Quest. I will kill as many of you damn monsters as it takes to get the ingredients to make a sparkly tuxedo.

    • msanthropesmr

      Is it any good? Reviews are mixed.
      I’m in the middle of NG+ on Bloodborne, which was incredible.

  • canes_pugnaces

    The most delicious outcome would all empty Dem seats.

    • gallbladder

      That or getting up and leaving mid-speech.

      • redarmyzombie

        Or making fart noises.

        • HarryButtle

          cough BLOWJOB cough
          cough EAT ME cough
          et cetera

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Turning your back?

    • Me not sure

      Dems need to hold a big Bar-be-Que on the Mall. Have speeches sell beer and pulled pork. Make it a party.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Too many DINO in congress

  • Terpsichord

    On Tuesday evening, I shall turn the TV off and read the Constitution instead.

  • Nounverb911

    I shudder to think what Huckaliar considers a prank.
    https://twitter.com/GovMikeHuckabee/status/958063779861983232

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Famous squirrel in the air-popper prank

      • “Unpresidented” Linda

        To be fair, Ma did fry it for dinner later.

    • TJ Barke

      Hanging a dog to death?

    • biologydave

      This guy is at least as funny as Carrot Top

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Ouachita U. A real fucking bastion of higher learning right there.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      The words ‘Baptist University” are an oxymoron.

      • “Unpresidented” Linda

        Throw Ouachita in there and you’ve got a hat trick.

    • Daniel

      Minimizing the sexual assault of children, then blaming them for it.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Has nobody bothered to tell him that in the modern era it is but one space after a period? Or is that one of his “pranks?”

      • OutOfOrbit

        Huh ?

      • John Thorstensen

        That’s a rule up with which I don’t have to put.

      • Justin Thyme

        Duly noted. But I’m old, okay? I even do it in texts. stupid, stupid, stupid.

      • HarryButtle

        You can have my post period double-space when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. OK, I said all I had to say in just that one sentence but I felt the need to prove my point.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          I’m less attached to my post period double-space than to my Oxnard comma.

          • Those are both things to which I shall cling forever!

          • Beanz&Berryz

            For me the double-space is a visual enhancement that I’m enough of a wuss to let go of. The Oxnard comma, though, is proof of a living language that can improve over time.

          • HarryButtle

            Yeah, I do that one, too. My mother was an extreme grammar nazi so I just imagine her haunting me if I don’t follow my Strunk & White!

      • Ellie

        Took me YEARS to stop doing that!

    • “Remember that time we picked on people who were less fortunate than us? HILARIOUS!”

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      Pre-dog killing pranks?

    • katkelly57

      Fuck off Fuckabee.

    • Jonny On Maui

      “Hey! Remember that time we bombed those abortion clinics?”

    • god he’s such a stupid unfunny tool with an outsized ego.

      he’s like david brent with a drawl and squirrel pie.

    • Me_And_My_Arrow

      Squirrel fucking is a prank?

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • gallbladder

      Thirty Helens can’t be wrong!

  • 3FingerPete

    My 2018 SOTU breakdown:

    Retelling the story of his 2016 landslide election victory – 75%
    Taking credit for the positive economic trend he inherited – 15%
    Scary MS13 warning – 2%
    Build the wall – 5%
    Fake news complaint – 2%
    Lock her up/Deep State/Mueller – 1%

    • gallbladder

      What, no time allocated to handing out EC victory maps?!? I’m bitterly disappointed.

    • I think you’re low on The Wall and Fake News.

      • gallbladder

        In concur. Should be in the mid-20s at least.

    • Me not sure

      What? No random “Look at my Black guy!”?

      • “Unpresidented” Linda

        Depends. Where’s Uncle Ben?

        • Daniel

          “Betsy, put down the gun! I said Uncle Ben!”

          • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

            Gentle Ben Libelz!1!111!

        • Me not sure

          Past his bed time.

          • “Unpresidented” Linda

            He does always look incredibly tired. Or stoned. I personally think that Ben’s got some really good weed.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Chances MSM jerk off on each other lauding Trump as presidentiial: 1122222221111%

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    Remember that Russian sanctions bill Congress passed with a veto proof majority? Well, funny thing…

    https://twitter.com/woody_tobias/status/958114970402721792

    • Thiazin Red

      But its all just a series of coincidences. The documented eagerness to collude, the lying, attempts to set up outside channels, the changing the platform. Its all fake news conspiracy theories.

    • redarmyzombie

      Why, perish the thought…

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Oh, wouldn’t it be cool if Mueller had Trump served and arrested DURING THE SOTU!!!!! If only…………

    • OutOfOrbit

      Congress Sergeant At Arms can do it

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      Someone pop a tape in the VCR just in case this happens!

  • Nounverb911
  • Lyly Sirivong

    So I was on my usual commuter train this afternoon. I found a seat, sat down, and in front of me, there was a guy who looked very tired. Next to him, there was another guy, who was snoring. I thought the guys smelled funny, but didn’t think much of it.
    A couple of stations later, a lot of people got off the train and there was four empty just behind me. Since I like to have room for my legs, I move over to the free seats.
    At the next station, I hear Guy n°1 call his friend to wake him up. He called him at least three times. Obviously, Guy n°2 really didn’t feel like waking up.
    After that, I didn’t hear them again, so I thought the two guys had gotten off the train.
    10 minutes later, I arrive at my station. I got off the train and as it was leaving, I looked through the window, and saw that the guy who was sleeping was still in the train ! His friend had left him there. He was awake but was obviously feeling not well, because when he tried to stand up, he ended up on all fours.
    I realized that the funny smell I noticed on the two guys was alcohol.
    I was actually worried. I hope someone took care of him.

    • katkelly57

      Some friend, huh?

      • Lyly Sirivong

        I say friend, but honestly, I don’t know. It might have been his friend, or his brother, or his cousin, or a random guy he had just met.

        • katkelly57

          Either way, not a good person to leave him like that.
          I too hope he’s fine.

    • “Unpresidented” Linda

      At least he was drunk and not dying from the flu that he just exposed you to.

  • Jonny On Maui
    • *Scrolls down*
      *Sees the next story is about a religious cult having kids drink bleach to cure autism.*
      *drinks*

  • OneYieldRegular

    I don’t know why, but I can’t get this song out of my head tonight for some reason:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToDZ_iFcCvA

    • OutOfOrbit

      Not fallin for it

      • OneYieldRegular

        (But seriously, this is terrific arrangement of this song. I should have looked for a trash version).

        • OutOfOrbit

          Uh huh

  • Nounverb911
    • redarmyzombie

      DAMMIT SATAN, RYAN IS NON-NEGOTIABLE!!!

      • He could go to purgatory? The Galt’s Gulch of the afterlife…

        • redarmyzombie

          NON! NEGOTIABLE!

  • Jenny

    Well Schiff is on tv. Republicans are going to investigate the DOJ and FBI.

    This is going to go well.

    • Zonath

      Does the GOP Congressional delegation have some sort of quota on the number of spurious, transparently-political investigations they have to keep going at any one time?

      • They have nothing else. All they had planned for this term was impeaching Hillary, so they’ve got to do SOMETHING to keep themselves from chewing their own ears off.

  • GoutMachine

    The state of the union CAN’T READ and is AFRAID OF STAIRS.

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      But it can identify camel.

      • Ellie

        Allegedly.

      • When given three options at which to point.

        • Ms. MLG on Maui

          We will always have that to cling to. God help us.

      • wait! what?

        No. Caramel. It’s what he puts on everything.

  • Nounverb911
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “How does it feel being once married to a woman who accused you of raping her?”

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Schprachen zie Doip?

  • “Unpresidented” Linda

    Jesus, the government is being run by people who can’t pass a 3rd grade spelling test.

  • Opalescent Riddles
  • SammyDEEEE

    The state of the union is WATCHING THE GORILLA CHANNEL.

  • Nounverb911
    • WotsAllThisThen

      Blindsided? Has she even met her husband?

      • redarmyzombie

        Would you?

      • Daniel

        Do you think their marriage could have survived if she had?

      • TJ Barke

        Or even heard about him?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Clapping and smiling for her man like her contract says

      • nightmoth

        When she smiles at Trump, she looks as happy as a mule eating briars, as my Mama would say.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        If she saves up enough vacation days maybe she can retire early.

        • Roadstergal

          Well done.

      • Ellie

        But she only has to smile when he’s looking.

    • msanthropesmr

      With divorce papers in hand?

    • vivian

      God, how I wish she would wear all black.

      • Nounverb911

        And a #MeToo button.

        • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

          And a white rose. #TimesUp

    • I wish she wouldn’t show. I mean, Dampnut would never notice, but everyone else would notice…

      Edit: Or if she brought a date.

    • OneYieldRegular

      “Resurface”? She might as well have been enclosed in solid ice for the last year for all we’ve seen of her.

  • keinsignal

    Haha yeah fuck a SOTU. There is not enough tequila anywhere for that.

    If anybody needs me, I’ll be in space.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b05d538324a00681938b07ca4f725d1787f73e409d515013792f1b416ce1a3a3.jpg

    • TJ Barke

      What do you run?

      • keinsignal

        Are you talking ship or gaming rig..? I’m on the PC version of course. Have been poking around in the new beta since it released (the shot above is from the previous beta test, I don’t have any good shots from the latest version).

        • TJ Barke

          Ship. I’ve got a Cobra MKIII, an Asp Explorer, and an Anaconda. The Cobra and Asp are pretty well outfitted, but the Anaconda is still a bit under powered.

          • keinsignal

            Asp Explorer, rigged primarily for exploration but with enough gun on it to take care of myself and pick up a bounty here or there in populated space. Since I’ve been playing primarily as an explorer, I haven’t really focused on building a fleet (since I’m usually several days’ flight from anywhere I can even summon another ship to).

            But, I just got back from a long and fruitful expedition and have about 77 mil burning a hole in my pocket so am thinking about picking up something a little more zippy and combat-focused. I’m leaning DB Scout but I’m open to suggestions! Ideally I want something with good lateral thrust and decent survivability, but that’s cheap enough that I won’t be too sad if (when) it blows up. The Cobra III and IV are on my list of things to test-fly, and of course I gotta check out the new Chieftain, although that badly fails the “cheap enough to lose” test… The beta couldn’t have come at a better time for me, makes a perfect sandbox to test out builds in…

            Also been tempted to just go Full Idiot and try to build myself a combat Orca. (For those of you who have no idea what I’m yammering about but have somehow made it this far, I’m essentially contemplating buying a luxury tour bus and kitting it out for war).

            CMDR KSE out.

          • TJ Barke

            Well if you want excellent combat focus, the vulture is probably your best bet. Although it doesn’t have very good range, and you gotta be super frugal with your power distribution.

  • OscillateSauce

    Very OT, but: Mrs. Oscillate and I will be near Tucson all of Feb. Any Wonketteiers wanna meet up? Warning! We are olds. That is all.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Could be, could be. Let me know where you’ll be. Bring money.

      • OscillateSauce

        Rubles, Euros, or dollars?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          AOT, K.

    • biologydave

      Wish I could be there. I miss 4th Ave

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        The feral street kids in front of the Co-op were wondering what happened you.

        • biologydave

          Starshine et al will know I’ll be back in April

          • Me_And_My_Arrow

            Positively 4th avenue.

    • This is the off topic thread, nothing is off topic in the off topic thread, except talking about the off topic thread… I’ve now broken the rules.

      • OscillateSauce

        Just barely squeaked by multivariable calculus – thanks for the reminder of the good old days!

        • Me_And_My_Arrow

          Linear algebra of STFU!

  • CripesAmighty

    Aaand the House Intel committee has fully become a ratfucking operation, as Republicans refused to allow FBI/DOJ to review the Nunes fuck sheet and voted to release it without allowing release of the minority response.

    • TJ Barke

      Republicans are power mad garbage scum.

      • DrBigHead

        You can smell the desperation.

      • CripesAmighty

        Oh, yeah, and now They’ve opened a ‘formal investigation’ into DOJ/FBI. About what, it doesn’t say.
        ‘Army/McCarthy’, anyone?

    • Daniel

      But I thought the Repubs wanted it released?

      • CripesAmighty

        They do. Voted on party lines to push it out just in time for Fox and Friends, and refusing to allow release of the Schiff response.

        • Daniel

          Oh.

          • CripesAmighty

            Sorry, language was a little garbled. Cleaned it up now,

        • Just get Sen. Feinstein to release it, she’s out of fucks to give about these fuckwits.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      The Russian tweet bots have spoken!

  • Nounverb911
    • TJ Barke

      It apparently alleges a lot of things, but has evidence of nothing.

    • I’m curious to see how many times Nunes misspelled “FBI” in the memo.

      • Daniel

        Does “fib” mean the same thing in the US as in Britain?

        • Roadstergal

          “The highest level of truth Trump ever achieves”?

        • Yep, but I suspect he might think FBI is spelled with a 6…

    • OneYieldRegular

      Nunes’ “secret memo” is like something right out of the Soviet Eastern Bloc, taking someone’s innocent words and whipping them up into charges that’ll result in a knock on the door in the middle of the night.

      • TJ Barke

        How appropriate, given who has been backing the republicans.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I never watch the SOTU. Whatever their other faults might or might not have been, most of our Presidents since JFK have not had what I call Good Speaking Voices. The first one I tried to listen to was Jimmy Carter’s SOTU, and I couldn’t handle his Georgia Drawl – I kept expecting him to should “Praise Jesus!.” One sentence out of Reagan’s mouth always made me want to puke, and both Bushes sounded dumb as shit. Even Clinton annoyed me, and not just because of his odd voice, but also because he had an unfortunate shape to his mouth that made him look as if he was smiling slightly even when he was saying very serious things, and this was distracting. Colin Powell, now, he had a Presidential Voice. Donald Trump? His voice was described as a cross between a squawk and a scream. He sounds like a gangster who took elocution lessons and got an F grade.

    • Roadstergal

      And Obama’s SOTU voice had that ‘white guy interrupting’ thing going on.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        His natural speaking voice was very pleasant, but you’re right about the SOTU … when he gave speeches I found my attention wandering.

    • I hate Republicans, so I never watch theirs. My problem with Clinton was, once he was rolling, HE.WOULD. NOT. STOP.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed a speech by a rich white man who thought he knew how everyone other than rich white men should live.

  • nightmoth

    So, it’s just been announced that Trump’s “guests” for the SOTU are the parents of two girls murdered by a Central American gang, MS-13. Take THAT, “dreamers.” JFC.

    • Daniel

      Note that this is not “politicizing a tragedy”.

    • Ellie

      How about parents of a couple of small children killed in that school massacre? Oh, right. The murderer was a white dude.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Yet Trump intends to send 200,000 Salvadorans living in the U.S. to El Salvador, where many of them face almost certain death at the hands of MS-13.

      It’s ironic, but it sure as hell ain’t like rain on your wedding day.

      • jowgajen

        It’s not hypocrisy if you are racist against hispanics.

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      Because most girls in the United States are murdered by Central American gangs, and never, ever by men they know from right here in the US.

    • rosenbomb

      Also, MS-13 originated in Los Angeles, but not like that matters to Trump…FFS

  • BJW

    The Washington Post will put an annotated transcript of the SOTU speech online. (As soon as practical.) And if you sign up with GENIUS, you can make comments on annotations. All the “non-facts” (known in the real world as lies) will be pointed out, or at least, most of them. Go read that and boost WaPo’s online membership.

  • Nounverb911

    Maybe they sent it to Leavenworth by mistake….
    https://twitter.com/VanityFair/status/958117611128188929

    • WotsAllThisThen

      He might still go, if he and Owen Wilson can come up with the right cover story.

    • DrBigHead

      This will mean a LOT more to me if the Obamas are invited.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        How about maybe Melania and a plus one?

        • Nounverb911

          Her Marine?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I thought he wasn’t going after he threw a temper tantrum that the Obamas were invited then disinvited to appease him?

  • Jenny

    Ya know, sure there’s a deep state of life long government employees. Some of them make a living by creating and spinning the government’s interest. One good way to make sure they fuck up your world?? Piss them off!

    Good lord, the leaks are going to be glorious. 400 million from the Koch’s won’t be enough to stop everything shitty you’ve ever done being released right before the election. At worst, people will die.

    Fucking idiots.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar
    • biologydave

      Welcome to the world of tomorrow

    • Bub, Secret Society zombie

      So…what are you planning to do about it, God?

      • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

        He’s open to suggestions, probably.

        • Roadstergal

          A little smiting would seem to be in order.

          • Zyxomma

            So, which angel should handle the smiting? Eric Stoltz or Christopher Walken? Okay, it’s settled: Viggo Mortensen!

          • Roadstergal

            Oh god, Gabriel-Walken smiting Trump would win me back on this SOTU business.

          • Zyxomma

            XD ;p

      • Continue to never have existed :(

  • Me not sure
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I ate Funyuns once in my life, after about 16 pints of Guinness at a Pogues show when I hadn’t eaten since the day before. I felt like I’d just ingested Drano and brake fluid in chip form.

      • Catstro, Very Stable Girther

        16 pints of Guinness later and the taste of Funyuns will *still* be lingering in your mouth

      • Me not sure

        “As you should, Grasshopper.”

      • DrBigHead

        Biggest similar mistake I made. Had a friend who was from Hawaii. Her mother would often send her care packages (to Mid-Missouri) with things that were difficult or too expensive to buy in mid-MO . Once she sent several huge containers of macadamia nuts. My friend made the mistake setting them out at a party. This was in my MUCH younger days when I had a tendency to occasionally overindulge. At this party, the overindulgence was Mescal. Started eating the Macadamia nuts like popcorn. Imagine, if you will, WAY to much Mescal meeting WAY too many Macadamia nuts. Not a pretty sight.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Snack food at parties can be dangerous. I once ate an entire wheel of brie…before the main contingent of guests showed up. My friends who were hosting the party never tire of reminding me of it, 30 years later.

          • DrBigHead

            We have a lot in common, I see.

    • Catstro, Very Stable Girther

      One of my silly regrets about my father-in-law no longer being with us is that he never got a chance to see that skit.

      • Me not sure

        Great stuff. Sorry about your father-in-law.

    • Blanche de Shambles
  • Bill D. Burger

    Not only will the House Intel. Committee release their bullshit, nonsense, cherrypicked ‘memo,’ and refuse to release the Democrats’ memo, Adam Schiff says that the Republican majority on the Intel Committee informed him and the Democrats that they have now opened an investigation into the Justice Department and the FBI.

    The goddamned committee has gone full bullshit insane and every Democrat on it should walk. Tell them to take their partisan and hack shitshow and shove it.
    It HAS gotten that bad. To call it a stupid joke would be to insult stupid jokes.

    • TJ Barke

      Republicans are traitors running a coup, and they are going to get away with it.
      Eat the rich.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      The problem is that if they do then the GOP can pretty much have unfettered control to do whatever they want. At least as long as Schiff and the others keep pushing back there’s a chance of sanity taking hold again.

    • TheGrandWazoo2

      The Trump administration phases by quarter:
      We are fucked.
      We are so fucked.
      We are so very fucked.
      We are so very truly fucked.

      • Canned Covfefe

        Also too without lube.

    • La forza del resistino

      Hey Devin, you do know that most people that go into business with Donald get stiffed in the end (or ass).

    • Yeah, take on the FBI. No way THAT could possibly backfire on you.

  • Nounverb911

    But FOX has been using them all along.
    https://twitter.com/WSJ/status/958113403633061889

    • wait! what?

      Melaniabot is working out okay…

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b6NqscIsidQ#

      • Zyxomma

        Never saw this before. Thanks.

    • OneYieldRegular

      And why are they all in the form of twee Japanese adolescent girls?

      • Marion in Savannah

        Major market?

      • OutOfOrbit

        A fetish discussed on NPR recently

      • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

        Something something tentacle something…?

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Don’t they already fill all the on-(and off)air positions on Fox News?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      The “I Feel Fantastic” Robot. More lifelike than Melania and less creepy

      https://i.imgur.com/Bg6OlUx.gif

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Um, I’m gonna go with creepy as fuck.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Natrona County (Wyo.) DA will not seek charges against high school wrestlers accused of “waterboarding” teammate, saying the events were “inappropriate hazing” and that the victim’s eventual compliance negates any crime of assault.

    Literal quotes from the DA: “If you consent to an assault, then it is not an assault.” and “Maybe the kid just thought, ‘I’ll get along with it, it’ll be over with,’”

    • OneYieldRegular

      Goddamn, did the kid’s attorney not then ask the DA if he knew what the safe word was?

      • OutOfOrbit

        What about age of consent?

    • “M”

      WTFFFFFFFFFFFF

    • Most civilized places file assault charges whether or not the victim consents.

    • anon_the_great

      Eh, teenage boys are the stupidest thing on Earth. Give em a mulligan.

      • Jonny On Maui

        The only way they get smarter is to hold them accountable. That and repeated blows to the head…

      • altleftjohn

        I’m Mitt Romney and I endorse this message.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That make rape law kill bad interesting.

    • alpacapunchbowl
    • UncleTravelingMatt

      On a related note, I was at a meeting in December that included a speaker who was involved in the case in Dietrich, Idaho that started as “Racist kid from Texas leads football team to sodomize developmentally disabled black kid.” The speaker (who was a non-lawyer investigator) was stunned by the amount of bad information churned out by the press. His opinion was that the family, by and through their attorney spokesman, had grossly mischaracterized the event and, more importantly, the evidence. There was a reason the local prosecutor dumped that case and ran, and there was a reason the AG’s office dealt the case like they did.

      I only mention this because all the information about this case — including calling it “waterboarding” has come solely from the family. The DA was prohibited from commenting on the evidence during the pendency of the matter.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        out of curiosity – what really did happen then? (spare us the terribleness where appropriate).

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          I don’t know. The Deputy AG in the case said we probably never will because between the family, the church, the school, the Defense, and the local PD, the facts got pretty twisted up. He left the AGs office in August, but he was a tough prosecutor. His boss said this:

          http://magicvalley.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/q-a-with-idaho-s-ag-on-why-dietrich-case/article_99e14cae-da1b-5213-8ed7-99336cda5b08.html

          I ran in to one of the other kid’s lawyers last year at the annual criminal defense lawyer meeting and he wasn’t too worried. He didn’t talk much about the facts, but he claimed the family was a big problem — that they hated everyone in Dietrich and were looking for a payday.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            ah – so it wasn’t so much a mischaracterization of the facts (i.e. it wasn’t rape, it was hugging!) but rather the CWs had ulterior motives…my bad.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      let’s take a persual, shall we:
      (Wyo.) “6-2-501. Simple assault ; battery; penalties.

      (a) A person is guilty of simple assault if, having the present ability to do so, he unlawfully attempts to cause bodily injury to another.

      (b) A person is guilty of battery if he intentionally, knowingly or recklessly causes bodily injury to another person by use of physical force.”

      Not a word about consent – not sure if that’s good or bad.

  • Nounverb911
    • Marion in Savannah

      Your lips to your own ear, etc., etc., etc.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Tease!

    • Catstro, Very Stable Girther

      From His lips to His ears

  • Shan

    The previous post by Robyn makes me kinda wish we had a regular reproductive rights column like we do the Garbage Men weekly. There’s a LOT going on in that regard all over the country, not just tonight’s Senate vote on the 20wk abortion ban. Attacks on reproductive rights have been getting worse over the past 10 years or so that I’ve been keeping an eye on the subject and one of my favorite discussion forums rebranded and stopped allowing comments (for real) on their news articles.

  • Nounverb911
  • Anna Rompage

    Okay, back from a few days touring around New Orleans, in a boozy haze…

    I figured nothing major happened, like a nuclear war, because our flights were on time. With that said, did I miss anything?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Nah. Democracy died a painful death, but other than that…

      • Anna Rompage

        I think that had already happened before we left…

    • OneYieldRegular

      There were a few hurricanes, but I’m assuming they took place on the bar in front of you?

      • Anna Rompage

        Trader Vic style Mai tais, fizzy gin drinks, lost of beer, and a bit of bourbon…

        I’ll leave the sugar laden cocktails to the 20 something’s!

    • redarmyzombie
    • Beanz&Berryz

      Uglier than usual shit fer brains.

    • Canned Covfefe

      How was the trip?!

      • Anna Rompage

        Super amazing!

        Great food, met some awesome folks, we got invited to a really great Krewe Du Vieux party by some random folks we met in a bar our first night there. They were affiliated with the Radical Faereis…

        Could not have asked for a better trip..

        I really wish we had a couple more days there!

    • Justin Thyme

      keep drinking

    • Roadstergal

      I’m getting on a plane tomorrow at this time.

      Not sure how the ‘returning’ will go, at this rate.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Be a damned shame if the Democrats’ memo leaked, huh?

    Need sumbidy’ with sum’ ballz’ ___ Calling Diane Feinstein!

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I’m putting pretty good odds on this happening.

  • Nounverb911
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    I thought “this can’t be true,” but it is. I am so sick of this man FFS:

    https://twitter.com/HillaryWarnedUs/status/958068282094911488

    • Roadstergal

      What a narcissistic asshole.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        No doubt Susan Sarandon is thrilled.

        • Roadstergal

          She does not have to sully her eyeballs with the Corporatist Shill Democratic Response.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Oh, like she gives a fuck. She’s probably spending the evening eating sushi off a naked hedge fund manager.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            But she’ll save a doggie bag for a death row inmate.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            My impression from reading Sr. Helen’s feed is that they’re not speaking.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            GOOD! Sister Helen finally figured out she was being used as a moral prop by a narcissist fraud.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            In fairness to Sister Helen, if Sarandon didn’t feel the need to pimp her own imaginary virtue probably that message wouldn’t have gone out as far as it did. But then, her imaginary virtue splits its time between Manhattan, >3% not-white Bedford (where Trump’s weekend house is), and LA.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Yes. What a comment on the moral condition of our country that even the issue of state-sanctioned murder needs the imprimatur of Hollywood celebrity to be taken seriously. People like Helen Prejean-on her own merits- are seen as chumps.

            I thought Sister Susan recently purchased an exclusive getaway manse in S.F. as well? If so, hopefully a few more artists and homeless people were driven from the city because of it.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Is it her fault poor people make her nervous?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            The One-Percenter Revolution is going to be glorious.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Or at least fabulous, by some superannuated sense of the term.

    • jowgajen

      Well, this at least acknowledges that the man is not a Democrat. So, yay, he can be BSGTOW — far far away, please.

    • Go away you irrelevant old coot!

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • Everrett Fanuelli

      It will be like watching Andy Rooney

    • Me_And_My_Arrow

      I can’t believe that I voted for that chap in the primaries.

      • It was a different time back then… I wouldn’t ever have voted for him (’cause I knew he’d be SLAUGHTERED in the general), but I did actually like his message once…

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Remember how well that worked when you had the “official” GOP response, the “Tea Party wing” response and the “give any right-wing loon a mic” response?
      Yeah, same vibe here.

      • Maybe Bernie will have difficulty finding his water bottle, and will be (rightfully) mocked for the rest of his life…

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Because he can’t be having with dynasties.

      Meanwhile, Jane’s daughter, whose husband runs his and Jane’s speaker’s bureau and whose woodworking school arguably destroyed Burlington College, has just received the Our Revolution endorsement for Bernie’s old job as Mayor of Burlington against an incumbent Democrat. Which she’s qualified for based on a lot of the money from Bernie’s campaign seems to have flowed to her mom.

  • Nounverb911
  • canes_pugnaces

    Soon we all get to read Devin Nunes’ super top secret treasure map to Hillary’s emails and Benghazi. Excellent.

    • Roadstergal

      It’s a bunch of Nunesense.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Will it have pizza or risotto or both?

      • canes_pugnaces

        Pretty sure, it’ll have all kinds of top secret stuff, like where the teacher hides her cigarettes, etc.

  • anon_the_great

    Now rethuglicans turn on the FBI, the nation’s cops, to shield a traitor from justice. So much for the Party of Law & Order.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Lime bars. Just like lemon bars but made with our limes. Freaking delicious!

    I know she loves me.

  • JustPretendImNotHere

    So on a scale of 1 to infinity, how fucked are we as a democracy at this moment?

  • Herewegoagain

    WOW and what show its going to be ….

    Just look at this Clown and his past and present performance….

    • He has been sitting in the bunker for the past 12 month on the back-foot spitting shit and losing ground / slinging mud … he is as dumb as they come –

    • The Guy is suffering from delusions of grandeur , believing fake chandeliers and a trophy wife buys respect – he doesn’t understand that respect is earning and is neither a birthright nor
    Something you can buy .. he falls well short in every department

    • Just a Village Idiot ? and petty thief !

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Eh, fuck it! Who needs cooperation from other nations’ intelligence services? MAGA!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      American Memo First!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Wuulf

      That’s what they call transparency.

    • Me_And_My_Arrow

      Isn’t that special!

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Because of course they did, cant let anyone refute their bullshit.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Afterwards, House Republicans retreated to their tree house, where they ate all the cookies and milk.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And peed on everyone standing below. Like the Statesmen that they are.

    • DrBigHead

      Schiff should release it regardless. The committee is a sham anyway. And if the Dems keep playing by the rules, we are fucked yet again.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “In one terrible year with Trump in the White House, we have gone from being a ‘Nation of Laws’ to being a ‘Nation of Lies.’
    ___ Steve Schmidt on Nichole Wallace’s show.

  • nightmoth

    I think it’s on this thread that a wonker mentioned the story that Melania’s been staying in a hotel, which, of course, her office has “angrily denied.” Apparently the British tabloids have been all over it. Here’s a link to a non-tabloid report. http://www.palmerreport.com/analysis/moved-out-melania-trump/7618/

    • Carpe Vagenda

      but it’s all disgusting gossip until Maggie Haberman quotes two unnamed sources.

    • bluicebank

      I’m no tax/divorce attorney, but if Melania REALLY wanted to do payback, she’d divorce the Vulgarian. In which case, fancy words like “assets” and “tax returns” get entered into the very public record, because alimony & child support thingy.

      Then, and only then, would I proclaim her having an ounce of grit, moral fortitude and courage. Could be even a Nobel Peace Prize in it. Write a book, Melania, and get a Pulitzer.

      “It Was A Dark And Stormy Night” would be my go-to title.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        The Long Stormy Tea-Time of the Soul

        • bluicebank

          I would object because she ain’t no Douglas Adams. Pulp is more her style, I expect.

      • Khavrinen

        “It Was A Dark An Orange And Stormy Night”

        • bluicebank

          Bless you. That’s why the publishing industry hires copy editors.

        • Khavrinen

          “Suddenly, a Twit rang out!”

    • Mavenmaven

      Who will Trump marry next? Tomi Lahren? He’ll turn it into a reality program.

      • jowgajen

        Don’t give him any ideas! OMG.

      • Hopefully he can meet a nice boy in the prison mess hall.

  • mrFawkes

    Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) on Monday revealed that Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee have opened an investigation into the FBI and Department of Justice.

    Cant wait for Nunes and company to discover that J. Edgar Hoover wore a size 16 dress.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      They will find out that Sessions is a clueless old racist asshole?

      • Roadstergal

        What a scoop!

      • mrFawkes

        If they dig deeper, they’ll find the glory hole at his Keebler elf treehouse.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      He can wear a dress made out of human skin as long as he doesn’t say anything bad about Trump.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    Thank you, Wonkette for your service. As with most Disaster Area concerts, I will witness the STFU speech from Lagrangian point #3on the other side of the Sun so as to minimize the effect of the thunderous stupid broadcast around the Earth and throughout the Galaxy.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/729bd2187ca5090477a28904084c5768a27cb1ca8dd111ca230bb49aa3ad553b.png

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      That might be too close.may I suggest the MACS0647-JD galaxy instead?

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        That would mean I’d have to make the MACS0647-JD run in under 4 billion parsecs. I’ll have to take our Subaru Falcon.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That should filter out most of the gibberish.

    • I would watch, but I’m spending the year dead for tax reasons.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      We’ll wave.

  • rocktonsam

    He should wear that dum hat during the bla bla because merikkka

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Wicked dry, windy day today, which always makes me feel like my head is full of mashed potatoes and puts me in a vile mood. Can me we just whisk this orange motherfucker off to prison already or start the revolution or some shit? I don’t know how many more days of Republican assholery, treason, and conspiracy theories I can take.

    • DrBigHead

      And what the hell is the deal with 80 degrees in January?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Chemtrails, I’ve been told.

        • DrBigHead

          I TOLD you to stop listening to Kelli Ward!!

          • Ling Ling

            Fine. Satanic Chemtrails.

      • Something, something… snowball as a prop to prove global warming doesn’t exist…

    • rocktonsam

      Maybe Tammy Duckworth will shout liar. But then again, she’s classy, smart and can kick ass.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Bionically

  • Juan de Fuca

    Now that the Republicans in the House Intelligence Committee voted to release the Nunes memo, CNN host and former CIA/FBI deputy director Philip Mudd nailed it:

    “These people talk about transparency but this isn’t transparency and it isn’t democracy. When the government was investigating abuses into the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo, there was a majority report and a minority report released to the public, now it’s just the majority memo being released without anything allowed from the minority party. It’s republicans pitted against republicans supporting Russia. You cant make this stuff up.”

    Paraphrasing because he just said it on the teevee but it’s fascinating to watch how quickly the party of “Law & Order” will turn against the law when the law comes after them.

    • Dg Hacket

      We really need to protest this!

      • Juan de Fuca

        Agreed, and vote this year.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I think there are other, very good reasons that the Justice Department did not want this memo released. I wonder if Trumps lawyers have advised him not to allow the memo to be released.
      Once it is, there are a lot of people out there in the media and the public who are much brighter than Devin Nunes. It’s possible that this memo will raise a bunch of issues that they will wish had never been raised.

      • Juan de Fuca

        Was thinking the same thing. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

      • The “Vvery good reason” not to want the memo released is that it’s basically a wish list of things they hope are true, but have no actual evidence of.

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          Why was Carter Page under surveillance for so long? We may find out that there were many more reasons besides the dossier. Who was spying on the FBI? For how long? How did they get authorization to do it? From whom?

    • 3FingerPete

      To be fair, one party rule is the new status quo.

  • OrG

    Any bingo cards for this “event”? And if so will all of the spaces be “no collusion”?

  • La forza del resistino

    Looking forward to Notorious RBG sitting front and center with dagger eyes. (skip the pre-speech Chablis Ruth, we need you)

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      She won’t be there

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      She’s out – has a speaking engagement tomorrow that was previously scheduled.

      • Roadstergal

        She has to wash her hair.

        • Catstro, Very Stable Girther

          Starch her collars

      • redarmyzombie

        Also, the otter needs flossing.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Is THAT what the kids are calling it these days?

  • Mike Minden

    Heard a great comment: “No, I will not watch the SOTU. Not my circus, not my elephant.”

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I have no intention of watching the Topsy the Elephant show.

    • Bill D. Burger

      also/too: “Not my Freak Show. Not my Freak.” ___ “Not my circus. Not my clown.”

    • tehbaddr

      “Not my zoo, not my monkeys.”

    • Not my Treasonstravaganza, not my traitor?

    • Cat Cafe

      Not my toilet, not my shit.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Appears Wray caved___cause’ of course he did. He gave McCabe a choice: “Eat this shit sandwich or resign.”

    [Andrew McCabe Steps Down as F.B.I. Deputy Director Under Pressure
    By ADAM GOLDMAN and MATT APUZZOJAN. 29, 2018
    In a recent conversation, Christopher A. Wray, the F.B.I. director, raised concerns about a forthcoming inspector general report examining the actions of Mr. McCabe and other senior F.B.I. officials during the 2016 presidential campaign, when the bureau was investigating both Hillary Clinton’s email use and the Trump campaign’s connections to Russia. In that discussion, according to one former law enforcement official close to Mr. McCabe, Mr. Wray suggested moving Mr. McCabe into another job, which would have been a demotion.

    Instead, the former official said, Mr. McCabe chose to leave.]

    https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/29/us/politics/andrew-mccabe-fbi.html

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Heading off for now on this grimly amusing note:

    https://twitter.com/nickiknowsnada/status/958083506046930946

    • WotsAllThisThen

      They probably fired everyone with a liberal arts degree because, liberal.

      • OneYieldRegular

        They were probably translating from Russian.

        • Cat Cafe

          The Resistance lives on in the Typesetters’ Union! Excuse me, Uniom.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Trump’s on-going search for a uniomcorn

    • OneYieldRegular

      Also: “Visitor’s Gallery” instead of “Visitors’ Gallery.”

      • WotsAllThisThen

        I just assumed there was only one person who actually wanted to be there.

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        So I took a peak and on the official website it is called the Capitol Visitor Center.

        Excellent catch!

        • Cock Blockula

          Peek, not peak, since we are all getting really picky.

          • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

            I haz shame.

      • Dinz6315

        Yes; there’s only one at a time…it’s a very small space.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The State of the Uniom speech is the one where he doesn’t use a teleprompter.

    • I didn’t notice the spelling mistake at first, just the incredibly ugly card stock and ugly font combination…

    • La forza del resistino

      State of The Onion is more like it.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    How right-wing tooly will Erin Burnett be tonight?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I’m not sure what Katy Tur said about the SOTU tomorrow night.

    “All eyes will be on the President.”
    or
    “All lies will be on the President.”

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Both

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    WHat’s the worse can happen? 10, 20, 50 years of a Trump dictatorship?

    • If he survives to 72, I’d be shocked…

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        His children shall take over. Perhaps Barron will be much more forgiving.

    • TootsStansbury

      The mass murders will be interesting television for the living.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Trump-started GOP dictatorship.

  • tehbaddr

    I like lady parts, and ladies, women too, also! Would watch but have no cable. So, in the embrace of lady parts I give you Sarah.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUp2Dx1LkMc

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That’s funny

      • tehbaddr

        Yeah, she is great!

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Last year Mrs Bz&Bz referred to those pink protest hats as kitty cat hats.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Where will you be when the word “bigly” is entered into future U.S. History books?

    • DrBigHead

      Long dead, I hope

  • anon_the_great

    Don’t be shocked when this fall Rep Adam Schiff is arrested

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Alexei Navalny libel!

    • DrBigHead

      Do you think he lasts that long?

  • mrFawkes

    BREAKING
    Anthropologists in Utah finally discovered the legendary Three-Boobed Sloth today.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e6c570b62be8e5a1d90bbe999997ce54633330250238a992d65f797b82132629.jpg

  • Fifth-and-a-Half Element

    With all of the crazy cray happening today – on a Monday no less – and in advance of Cheetolini jaw-jutting at the SOTU, I think it’s time for a little seahorse fun.

    https://youtu.be/Zm5o_r4Lyc0

    • keinsignal

      Dan Deacon!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    We were keyboard warriors once, and young (astonishing how his capacity to excuse locker room language ebbs and flows)

    https://twitter.com/RawStory/status/958001174334070784

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Charlie Pierce called him a “bobble-throated slapdick”. He was being too kind.

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        How can Trix bring Charlie here?

        • TootsStansbury

          He would fit right in among the Wonkers.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          What, and turn down those shitty writing gigs at deadbeat mags like Vanity Fair and Sports Illustrated?

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Well, in fairness, Vanity Fair is pretty much gone now.

      • tinker12

        Charlie Pierce has the best words.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Sadly, never on MSNBC.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Yes, well, but has anyone called the fire department to let them know of the bullshit spewing out of Cotton’s mouth?

    • TootsStansbury

      Jesus. Toughen up buttercup. Fucking fascist snowflake.

    • armed_bears

      That is no senator. That is a scrotum with ears.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        That’s an insult to hardworking scrotums everywhere.

        • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

          I know my scrotum works for me every chance I get.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Police? He has to notify ICE or he’ll be accused of being a sanctuary Congressman.

    • Most Stable Land Shark
    • unclejeems

      Arkansas hog-humper says what?

    • TJ Barke

      Fucking snowflake wants to bomb people, can’t handle harsh language.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      And how long did the police hold in their laughter?

    • John Thorstensen

      I’m sure he never heard that kind of barnyard epithet in the military!

      “My freakin’ ears!” — Rodd, or Todd Flanders

    • I’m going to say this again, but I know he was in the armed forces (don’t know, or care which branch because fuck him), and I’m 100% positive I could break him in half without breaking a sweat.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Cybersecurity, I believe.

        • Then I’m also 100% sure I could break into his network. He doesn’t seem to know anything about ANYTHING…

    • SayItWithWookies

      There we go — keep government off our backs — except for abortions, swearing, being gay, protesting, or making fun of the president. Is that the whole fucking list, assshole?

  • OrG

    Just heard on the radio about a possible ballot measure in Oregon this fall to enshrine a Right to healthcare in the Oregon Constitution.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      We tried something like that in Colorado last time around. Didn’t get a lot of votes. Because stoned?

    • Cock Blockula

      I’ve read that the National Health Service in Britain is “owned by the people” and try as they might, the Tories can’t simply vote it out and privatize it (like they have done with other public services, e.g, the railroads). Too bad we couldn’t do the same.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    did Dish Network crow about the tax bill allowing them to pay employee bonuses – cause they’re laying people off.

    • Most Stable Land Shark

      So. Much. Winning. #MAJA

      (Make America Jobless Again)

    • Of course they are.

    • Yeah, but like… look at how much stock they were able to buy back, and I bet the top 5 employees got really big bonuses (that could have covered the salaries for all the layoffs and then some..)

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I just had a very pleasing mental image … imagine Trump standing at the podium and giving his SOTU speech, and a big electronic sign starts flashing “LAUGHTER” like the applause signs they used to have in sitcoms and game shows. And everyone laughs. Then a big hook comes out from Stage Right and pulls Trump off the stage. More laughter. Then Alec Baldwin walks on stage and finishes the speech.

    • bluicebank

      Throw in a few pratfalls.

    • Walter Wellstone

      Who’s up for yelling “You lie, motherfucker!” during the speech? We should call our congresspeople to motivate them to participate.

      • OutOfOrbit

        You lying shithole!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        It will be a collective “bullshit” coughed into their fists.

    • and talks about dicks, pussies and assholes.

      • OutOfOrbit

        And vulvatine smoothies

    • Most Stable Land Shark
    • mrFawkes

      Needz moar falling anvils.

    • TootsStansbury

      It won’t happen. It will say “Hey liberal media, slobber my knob” and they will, the end.

      • NellCote71

        With the NYT at the front of the line.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Or everyone starts chanting “ Lock him up”

  • Walter Wellstone

    Fuck no; I ain’t listening to dat shit. Thankfully I’m flying to Toronto tomorrow afternoon and I’ll be there until Thursday.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Will he announce his intentions to clone Jango Fett and create a Grand Army of the Republic tomorrow?

    Stay tuned!

    Or don’t, whatever. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9890c95575a1763c18d064eddd8281ce33bce384c19dcf3a602117419ae3e9d8.jpg

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I’m just wondering how the construction of the Starkiller Base is going?

      • This group isn’t even 0.00000001% as competent as the Empire. It’s going about as well as their effort to build a wall.

  • TheGrandWazoo2
    • Impatient

      Good, clear goal statement.

      Now, how about operationalizing it?

      “If it ain’t sold, let’s sell it.”

  • Probably discussed already but Stockton, Ca. will be conducting an economic experiment, providing people with a $500.00 per month stipend from a grant to measure the benefits of living without having to worry about some basic needs.

    Universal Basic Income is finally getting is chance to demonstrate it’s effectiveness in the USA.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      I have done that experiment in my life. I used to broke as shit. Worked 6 days a week for years to keep a roof over my head.

      Now I blessedly no longer have to worry about money. About a year after I longer struggled paycheck to paycheck, I noticed this tight knot in my chest begin to soften. I hadn’t even known it was there until it started to relax. It was a tight knot of stress right in the center of me.

      Being broke is fucking stressful and not being broke is relaxing. Go figure.

      • NellCote71

        I agree. That is all you ever think about, how you are going to survive economically. And you can’t even afford booze or a gym to relieve your stress.

        • calliecallie

          Not even if your broke, but if you’re marginal. Every purchase you do the math in your head about can you afford it. And most times you decide you can’t, so no new pretties. I have money now, and I just buy shit. It feels kind of good.

    • Yeah, it’s being tested in a few cities in Ontario right now as well. I think this is going to be a huge positive once it is rolled out.

    • Juan de Fuca

      Interesting because I had a good conversation with one of my reasonable Republican friends at work the other day and he mentioned how Finland was experimenting with a UBI type of deal and how he liked the concept and we talked about how it could possibly work. There’s hope.

    • Cat Cafe

      Right? I will never understand people who think you can have a successful, flourishing country with sickly, impoverished, uneducated citizens. A strong country can only exist with a strong, healthy, productive, functional population! FFS EVEN HITLER knew this.

    • Shrieking Harpy

      It was tried in the 1970s in Manitoba, and was dubbed Mincome.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I think it’s win-win all around. What with how the local economy and service providers know that there’s a ready base of customers to actually BUY their goods and services.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    “The president was silent for a moment and then turned on McCabe, suggesting he ask his wife how it feels to be a loser — an apparent reference to a failed campaign for state office in Virginia that McCabe’s wife made in 2015.”

    I. JUST. CAN’T.

    • JustPretendImNotHere

      If the Deputy Director of the FBI decks the President of United States, does the Secret Service arrest him or just stand there and laugh?

      • NellCote71

        Or perhaps join in? I am sure Trump has ridiculed and bullied them as well.

        • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

          “Do you know who I AM?”

    • Apple Scruff

      Makes more sense why McBabe would want retire early. I wouldn’t want to deal with President Dickface either.

    • greyXstar

      He’s nothing if not classy.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    The Wonkettarians tomorrow night in search of an exit.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHV8r7LsO6k

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      oooh, I heard about this movie…suppoed to fucking good/intense.

    • altleftjohn

      I actually remember seeing this as a kid. God I’m old . . .

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So the gist I’m getting about this memo is not that the Trump campaign didn’t do anything illegal but that the FBI overreached when they found out the Trump campaign did something illegal.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      By overreach do you mean they investigated the illegal shit they did?

    • OutOfOrbit

      Sounds about right

    • Apple Scruff

      Yeah, I don’t understand what’s OMGSOBAD about Rosenstein getting a FISA warrant because of Carter Page. I mean, is anyone a fan of this tool?

      • SayItWithWookies

        And Rosenstein didn’t get the FISA warrant to begin with — he was just renewing it, because Page had been a suspected Russian agent for years before that. But it doesn’t have to make sense — it just has to cast doubt on the investigation.

      • NellCote71

        Why can’t you issue a FISA warrant just because the target is a disgusting human being?

    • greyXstar

      Makes perfect sense.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

    i stumbled over this weird twitter account. the pic and persona is a young arab (?) woman. she writes about conservative politics, her hatred of anyone who makes her feel (liberals, protesters, complainers), and her love for golf, trump, guns, basketball, football, and steely dan.

    now, i’m not one to tell people how to be. you go break whatever molds you want. but something’s weird here! it gets even weirder when i went back through her twitter history- she posts very regularly, several times a week, with no likes or retweets. sometimes one or two. but for years, the same basic jokes about mondays and makeup and lebron’s hairline and evil feminists, like clockwork, with no audience. i checked botornot, and the account didn’t ping as a bot, but like… does anyone know what’s going on here?

    • Cat Cafe

      A Russian troll, or an American troll. People do this ALL THE TIME–pretend to be women, pretend to be Jewish, pretend to be black, pretend to be Arab, create fake accounts with fake pictures, and then post the usual bigoted asshole bullshit. It’s loathsome. Send the account to ImposterOrNot.

    • altleftjohn

      . . . who makes her feel what?

      • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

        anything, so far as i can tell. she’s in the “feelings are for losers and empathy makes america weak and womanly” school of conservatism.

  • greyXstar

    Okay Google, remind me to order Fire and Fury while I’m still legally able to.

    • Hands are *STILL* too big…

    • Werewolf

      No way that fucking coward has the balls to fire Mueller in person.

  • Stable Uniomist Raan

    Hey, I finally changed my username.

    • Lord Jim

      I SEE YOU. 😉

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Hi Stable Uniomist!

  • Bill D. Burger

    First review of the Nunes “memo.”

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DUvsFzQVwAAFYVf.jpg

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Shan

      He’s going to “reset” his term? What does that even mean?

      • Jonny On Maui

        It’s alot like your recent ‘internet’ issues…

      • It’s like pivoting to finally become presidential. It will be as successful as the last 48 times the media tried to make fetch the pivot happen.

      • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

        It’s like when you turn it off and then turn it on again.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Their tweet should just read, “We’re planning to call T-rump “presidential” tomorrow night. Just a head’s-up in case you need to plan your alcohol consumption carefully.”

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Another pivot?

      • altleftjohn

        Another Mulligan.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Oh did that American carnage thing stop yet?

    • TootsStansbury

      Oh, it’ll be safe, strong and proud; for the 4chan assholes. The rest of us will suffer.

    • WilbyToad

      DU’s pic of the moment has a similar take.
      https://i.imgur.com/qThs8Po.jpg

      • NellCote71

        I will take Scared AND Disgusted for the Daily Double, Alex.

  • Bill D. Burger

    That is a boat load of treacherous shit, FUGLY treacherous shit, right there:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DUvurofWAAIywhs.jpg

    • wait! what?

      When you upload this picture to facebook, from your smart phone, the facial recognition kicks in and your keyboard turns Cyrillic whilst your charging port shits out bitcoins…

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So far the media is running with this Nunes shit saying this stinks to high heaven. We’ll see how long that lasts.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Chris Clitlizzard’ will soon compare it to Hillary’s emails and Benghazeeeeeeeee’ and find that’s it’s not a deceptive and she was.

  • Jenny

    I’m finding myself becoming more and more attracted to Rod Rosenstein. It’s got to be that hair part.

  • La forza del resistino

    Even Donald knows firing Rosenstein and Mueller would be bad optics. He only needs replace Rosenstein with a stooge. Mueller cannot make an impeachment referral to the House by himself, only the new acting AG stooge can.

    • I don’t want impeachment, I want criminal indictments.

      • Rags

        WNB?

    • wait! what?

      Yeah, but Donald thinks optics is what happens when the syphilis gets to his eyes.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Reminder to Democrats in the chamber for SOTU tomorrow:

    You can boo louder than they can clap.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    This is just a clever ruse to prevent ticket counterfeiting.

    • NellCote71

      As if there would be a demand…

  • Lord Jim

    Like you said, all Trump’s ever gonna do is lie and talk shit. Listening to that embarrassment to the human race puts my head in a bad place. Right now I’m listening to Masterpieces by Duke Ellington with Incredible Jazz Guitar of Wes Montgomery right behind and that’s the place I wanna be.

    • Back it up with some Sheila Jordan. One of the best and, somehow, she’s still at it.

      • Lord Jim

        Just found a concert video. Thanks!

        • I’ve seen her perform several times… years ago. She always brought tears of joy to my eyes listening to such a talent.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Did Ivamka type up the imvite, and and Dom, Jr. proofread them?

    • TootsStansbury

      It’s to the Uniom of Normay.

      • Smoke O’Hontas

        I’ll wait for the wrap up at The Oniom.

      • wait! what?

        …a Nørmay bit my sister, ønce…

    • mrFawkes

      Mes

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    My theme song for tomorrow night’s STFU speech.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrA2hyB1ZGg

    I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose,
    Drinking fresh, mango juice,
    Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes,
    Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun,
    Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun.

  • mrFawkes
    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Conservatives love both kinds of music.

      • Country, and western.

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        “Country and Western”

  • DainBramage

    At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump tries to arrest every Democrat in the chamber.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    How can you tell when Donald Trump is lying?

    He’s Donald Trump.

  • I suppose taking turns shouting “you lie!” At 30 second intervals would be a bit much, right?

    • WilbyToad

      Not at all. I’m hoping for a relentless chant of “Fuck Trump!”.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Our nation has become a Primus song. BTW, best part of this song: sampling Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. “DOG WILL HUNT!!!!”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBQ2305fLeA

  • Bill D. Burger
  • SisterArtemis

    I like Nancy LeTourneau’s little weekday wrap-up over at Washington Monthly’s “Political Animal” blog. It leads to interesting articles, occasionally a viewpoint or an author I hadn’t spotted, and often a really good music video at the end (for us oldsters, at least). Today’s wrap up included this – I’ll put the link in to the original article too, from which she quotes.

    The interesting part comes at the end of this blip, when LeTourneau says “…Warren […] tends to identify one group of villains that make a perfect target at which to shake your fist, while missing the bigger picture” – I hadn’t really thought about her in that way, but maybe that is a pattern? I will be keeping an eye out to see if it’s real. What it means to me, if it holds, is we need (a) more pressure on and education for Sen. Warren, from the public, to get her to take a more comprehensive view, and (b) she’s more suited for committee work and negotiation than top leadership such as, for example, the presidency. Anyway:

    * Elizabeth Warren gave a keynote address at Families USA’s annual Health Action conference. Andrew Sprung says she missed the mark.

    …she also presented the unaffordability of healthcare in the U.S., and the huge out-of-pocket costs that many insured Americans face, as purely a product of insurance industry rapine. Not a word about pricing-gouging by hospitals and doctors; the fine science of upcoding; the loopholes allowing self-dealing; the privileging of expensive procedures; the outsourcing to hedge fund- and private equity-backed price maximizers; the predatory balance billing. Providers got a total pass. I sentence Senator Warren to read Elisabeth Rosenthal’s An American Sickness, which meticulously documents all these cost inflators and their evolution…

    Insurers are not innocent parties in U.S. healthcare dysfunction. They have little incentive, or mixed and uncertain incentives, to hold down provider rates, as their fixed cut (fixed by the ACA’s requirement that loss ratios not go lower than 80% or 85%) grows as the overall cost of coverage grows. But the chief driver of unaffordable healthcare costs in the U.S. is the power of providers to price pretty nearly as they will. Warren won’t tell us that.

    I highlight that because it fits a pattern with Sen. Warren. She tends to identify one group of villains that make a perfect target at which to shake your fist, while missing the bigger picture.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      I’m saving this comment for future reference. I want to read that book.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    This just in: “Hail to the Chief” will be replaced with “Los Bastardos”
    If someone could sync this with Trump’s entrance tomorrow it would be tits
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksCGPKRuZkM

  • Bill D. Burger

    “Find you someone who looks at you the way Mike Pence and Paul Ryan will look at the back of Donald Trump’s head during the state of the union speech.”
    ___ Nichole Wallace

    Dammit’ Nichole! Why do you make me like you? It isn’t natural.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Peeps change, sometimes for the better. She did IMHO

      • SisterArtemis

        I think she went the some kind of mini-crucible, in which she had to face how far she’d go for her party, realized she stepped too far, and managed to back up.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Pence always looks at Trump adoringly. That’s because Mikey lusts after everything Trump is: A hedonistic, godless douchebag.

      • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

        Somebody recently wrote: “We haven’t seen this kind of adoration on public display since the days of Nancy Reagan.”

      • SisterArtemis

        Pence looks at Trump with the pitying beatific smile of a smug Christian. Seriously, I think it’s his “holier than thou” smile.

        • Most Stable Land Shark

          so his “Ho” face?

  • Bill D. Burger

    CNN tomorrow after the speech: “Trump didn’t fling his Cheerios and drank a whole bottle of formula. This speech was a success.”

    • Anna Rompage

      He’s finally become precedential

    • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

      Assumes facts not in evidence.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Trump: “Hey John, there’s a message in my Alpha-Bits! It says: Oooooooo!”
      Kelly: “Mr. President, those are Cheerios.”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da4QqNg14qg

  • Canadian_Bacon

    Rather than watch Herr Drumpf, I’m going to put on my footie jammies, get a nice cold 2L bottle of Diet PEPSI (take THAT Mr. Predisent!!1!) and a box of Cheese Nips and re-watch “In The Mouth of Madness”, just for the sake of the title alone. And the fact that I think Sam Neill is possibly the greatest actor since Vincent Price.

    Oh and here is the trailer:
    https://youtu.be/mHJl2V1sMxc

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Just bought the blu two weeks ago. Would rather live in this scenario than in Trump’s America

    • Resistor Radio

      It’s a good one, but Cheese Nips?

      • Canadian_Bacon

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheese_Nips

        Probable the greatest gift humanity has ever received from the gods.

        Well, other than myself of course.

        • Resistor Radio

          Sorry, I’m a Cheezits gal, myself.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I’m sorry, but that looks ridiculously stupid. I am apparently not their target audience!

      • Resistor Radio

        This is a better trailer, IMO, looks like a completely different film
        https://youtu.be/_PFcOeM_Usk

        • Canadian_Bacon

          Much better. I just grabbed the first one Youtube presented me. Bonehead move, I know.

          • Resistor Radio

            Hey, I thought the one you posted was targeted to the fans of more campy horror, and there’s nothing wrong with that!

      • Lord Jim

        It’s a terribly fun homage to Lovecraft. Give it a try!

      • Canadian_Bacon

        It’s one of those films that you watch, then go to bed, then wake up in the middle of the night thinking “What the hell did that mean?”, then you watch it again. And sometimes again. Rinse and repeat.

    • Lord Jim

      Wasn’t the working title of this film 2017: Trump, Year One? :/

  • Shan

    Here’s an update on the Senate vote on the 20wk abortion ban, including which Dems voted for it and the Republicans who voted against it. It also goes into some detail about what the bill included besides the incorrectly calculated gestational period and other bits of junk science.

    https://rewire.news/article/2018/01/29/unconstitutional-trump-backed-20-week-abortion-ban-goes-senate/

    • Anna Rompage

      Junk science? The GOP is using junk science to base their bill off of?

      (Clutches pearls, takes a hearty swig off the whiskey bottle, and saunters over the the fainting couch)

      • Shan

        And yet they’re all about calling “junk science” on climate change ACTUAL SCIENTISTS.

    • HazooToo

      What the FUCK, Casey?!

      • Shan

        Anti-choice Dems piss me off. They should be drummed out of the party faster than Al Franken was.

        • Werewolf

          Wait till we get a Dem majority without them-THEN drum them out.

        • Lord Jim

          Manchin and Donnelly both serve on the federal advisory board of Democrats For Life of America, an anti-choice group that uses conservative talking points and medically unsupported falsehoods about reproductive health care.

          My religious upbringing was evangelical, and I shared that “pro-life” orientation. Until one day the Phil Donahue show was on (the old one on NBC) and I heard the then-executive-director of PP say “In a way, we and the evangelicals want the same thing – to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies”. Mind. Blown. Then I started, very slowly, to discover how “pro-life” was really nothing more than “pro-forced birth” and how they relied on distortions, crass emotional manipulation, and outright lies to bolster their position. And also how educating girls, helping them onto fulfilling career paths, and providing easy access to contraception reduced the number of unwanted pregnancies more than all the stupid legislative attacks on women’s health. And how “evangelicals” once were pro-choice themseves, not long ago.

          Still Christian, now pro-choice. Sometimes old dogs CAN learn new tricks.

    • TootsStansbury

      Oh, fuck this barbaric shit. Shove the embryos up your asses you patriarchal religious zealots. Birth them your own goddamn selves.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Rape survivors who needed an abortion would be required to obtain counseling or medical treatment for related injuries at least 48 hours prior, and the care could not occur at an abortion clinic.

      These motherfuckers have no problem with making life harder for rape victims at an extremely painful point in their lives — but make a corporation fill out two forms or submit to an inspection, and it’s tyranny. Fuck ’em.

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      The fuck? Why the hell did any Democrats vote for it at all???

      • data_ninja

        Manchin did, nuff said.

    • redarmyzombie

      Yes, but they forgot the Drow Rule of Competence: Don’t Get Caught!

  • DensityDestiny

    Of course they released the fucking memo cause now nobody’s talking about Russian sanctions deadline. FFS

    • HazooToo

      Did they actually release it?

      • they’re going to. they say.

        • HazooToo

          They better get the fuck on with it then. I want to see it get shredded in seconds.

  • VirGinYa

    Chris Cillizza, Van Jones and Jake Tapper have already concluded this speech, which has not happened, a ‘presidential pivot.’

    • WilbyToad

      More like a Jeanine Pirro-ette.

      • wait! what?

        …where ypu spin around in circles at 105mph and end up in a forest. But, your hair is perfect…

      • President in Exile Firefly

        I Doocy what you did there.

    • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

      It’s just unreal. He’s going to get credit for a “presidential speech” because he (probably) will correctly read the words of speechwriters who give him credit for an economy he had nothing to do with.

      To think conservatives have the nerve to whine about “affirmative action” while one of their own is given a pass on everything. Ironically and disturbingly, largely because he’s white.

      • VirGinYa

        He’s white and a Republican.

        • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

          So he says. Really, he’s orange and just pretending to be a Republican.

          Good enough for the simple-minded, though.

          • Werewolf

            During the 2016 campaign, my daughter, who was eleven at the time, asked “Why do white supremacists like Trump so much if he’s orange?”

          • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

            What was your answer? I’m asking because I don’t know, either. Heck, I don’t know why anyone likes him no matter what color he chooses to be.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Fareed Zakaria after Trump’s SOTU: “Tonight Donald Trump became president of the United States.”

    • TootsStansbury

      For the fifth time, except oops! He didn’t. I want to do bad things to the enablers.

      • altleftjohn

        Tonight Fareed Zakaria competed for the Thomas Friedman award for mealy-mouthed journamalism for the nth time.

    • i would like the post modern version where we skip the next four steps and get straight to ‘shithole’

  • TootsStansbury

    I can’t imagine listening to that eggy, singsong voice for more than a minute.

    • miss_grundy

      That’s why I am taking a pass and just reading all the snarky remarks that everyone will make here.

  • wait! what?

    Donkey: Donald is giving a state of the onion address?

    Shrek: No… but, Donald is like an onion

    Donkey: He stinks?

    Shrek: Yes… No!

    Donkey: Oh, he makes you cry?

    Shrek: Well…

    Donkey: Oh, you leave him out in the sun, and he gets all brown, and starts sproutin’ little white hairs…

    Shrek: …

    Shrek: …

    Shrek: …yes.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f41381e69bd46b651939a9c11a906d5c2529fa124e9321bf30f44e08d9382e65.gif

  • Bill D. Burger

    *trump vomits on himself during national address*

    FOX News: He only blew chunks once, no dry-heaves after. This is what a President looks like

    • Also, too, every other network saying essentially the same thing. “This is when he became president*”

  • Bill D. Burger

    When you call your service provider and demand more Gorilla TV and Shark Weeks.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DUJxIavWkAA8i9M.jpg

  • redarmyzombie

    Yes, but will he bring his accordion to the SOTU?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7OihyehgtI

    • Bub, Secret Society zombie

      Trumpy’s got a squeeze box he wears on his chest,
      and when Mueller comes home he never gets no rest,
      He’s lyin’ all night!
      And the tweetin’s a fright!
      Trumpy’s got a squeeze box,
      Mueller never sleeps at night!

  • Boojum

    If you drink every time he says Fake News, Have EMS standing by.

  • miss_grundy

    You should always have another pair of eyes check your text before hitting the copy/print button.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    At this point, Nunes et al (with Paul Ryan’s blessings) are basically doing Putin’s FSB’s work for them.

  • why i can’t i be in the alternate timestream where keith richards actually does knife fight donald trump?

    that would be a better timestream and keith richards would probably be doing the SotU

    • OrG

      Dope for everybody!

    • President in Exile Firefly

      As long as it’s done to Stark Trek fight music.

  • RickyG

    SOTU?
    Rather catch the plague.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    The former New York (R) congresswoman on Chris Matthews is so full of shit they wouldn’t even let her sit by him and the other guests.

  • mrFawkes
  • UncleTravelingMatt

    An elderly woman has been calling our house every other Monday for two years to talk to Betty. I’ve told her probably a dozen times that she is calling the wrong number (she usually calls before we get home from work.) She seems to remember calling, too, because two weeks ago she was mad that Betty hadn’t called her back in so long. She seems to have forgiven her this week.

    • janecita

      At this point just call yourself Betty and have a nice chat with the poor woman.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        One time, thinking I could look up the right number, I asked her what Betty’s last name was. She threatened to call the police. I don’t like her much.

        • janecita

          She sounds lovely.

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      I got calls at my office for a Connie Greene for 8 or 10 years. You lose track after call 10,000 or so. All bill collectors. Poor old Connie.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Some idiot called me in the middle of the night, repeatedly, asking “Otto.”

      He was calling long-distance from Germany. To the US.

      I had to learn advanced-German cussing to get rid of him.

      The lesson: People are incredibly stupid beyond anything you ever imagined.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    one more reason to hate the KKK – at the time, they strongly supported Prohibition.

    ’nuff said.

    • Anna Rompage

      Of course they did, they’d use people sobriety, and angst it created, to channel it against the brown folk…

      Same with all their Puritan sex crap…

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Good excuse to have another brew, Thanks much.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        i’m on the wagon – have one or three for me.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    State of the Uniom?

    Can’t blame auto-correct on that.

  • Anna Rompage

    Funny how the house and senate can come up with the time to vote on abortion bans, renaming post offices, and producing some seriously shitty tax overhaul legislation, but they cannot find the time to come up with a DACA bill they’re willing to put up for a vote…

    • Smoke O’Hontas

      They did toss off a CHIP extension, but only after they took 6 months to hold it hostage and beta test public opinion.

  • Hold on…The State of The Uniom isn’t until tomorrow night…or about 7 1/2 weeks in Trump Time…

    • Beautiful Soup

      5 Trump Scaramuccis and change.

  • TootsStansbury

    The closest gas station sign is probably in Rosslyn.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Gotta’ run…getting the stink eye. First though: This is the most “Awww” inspiring vid you’ll see today. Promise. Dad comforts Mom as she delivers the babbies!

    (Wife said to me: YOU weren’t that helpful. I reminded her I freaked out and ran around the hospital like a mad man all three times when the boys were born. I was doin’ my part. So there.)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YyDuK11JTk

    • Resistor Radio

      That is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. Awwwww

    • Bananas Foster

      He’s totally nudging her like, “Get up, lazy. I need a sammich!”

    • Smoke O’Hontas

      Hey, if you panicked on her behalf you’re doing pretty well. It’s not as if you were sitting in the waiting room with cigars like Ricky Ricardo.

  • Sharon Cooper

    I have to work tomorrow night. THANK GOD.

    • Smoke O’Hontas

      I’ll pick up your shift for ya.

      • Sharon Cooper

        My job often requires cleaning up dog shit.

        Still a better choice.

    • janecita

      Do you need company?

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I would rather be fired directly into the sun than listen to the SOTU. That said, I hope someone will post the entirety of Maxine Walters’ and Joe Kennedy’s rebuttals.

    • OutOfOrbit

      I hope that the tRumpsterfire allows it

    • Mehmeisterjr

      So Democratic rebuttals.

      Spanish-language rebuttals.

      Any English-language rebuttals?

      I mean, purely on the grounds that Trump can’t read, write or comprehend basic English?

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I just love the fact the Maxine’s rebuttal will be on BET. That is awesome trolling.

  • janecita

    I don’t understand this memo shit. Why would anyone believe what comes out of Devin Nunes’ mouth?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Being believed isn’t the thing. It will get into the media and they will have to “both sides” it.

      • and as somebody below noted: no one’s paying attention to the russian sanctions that are supposed to be signed today.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Ever see the poster in Fox Mulder’s office?

      • janecita

        The “I want to believe” poster?

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          There ya go.

          • janecita

            Makes sense.

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            If you believe hard enough, it’s true.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            in your own mind (or whatever analog to a “mind” the ignoratti have.)

    • not to mention by all accounts (wonkette) he’s repeating – from memory – highly classified info.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Just enough is all they need

    • Bub, Secret Society zombie

      Because A) they are stupid and brainwashed (most GOP voters) or B) because it suits them politically to do so.

    • Marceline

      Because millions and millions of our fellow countrymen are hateful and stupid.

      • Lord Jim

        And the fact is, however painful it may be, it’s time for white liberals to stop mollycoddling the racist rabble.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      Propaganda. Not the good kind.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      What comes out of Devin Nunes’ mouth was first retrieved from his butt. There are a lot of avid sniffers of butt-words out there. You know, republicants, trumpoids, etc.

    • Smoke O’Hontas

      You get an upvote…and you get an upvote…everyone but Devin Nunes gets an upvote!

  • Begin Anew Day

    It will take one thousand supercomputers working 24/7 for ten years to calculate the damage done by donnie’s waste of time with his state of the union.

    For the math oriented we can use this formula shortcut: (WG) + RI / Ts where (WG) is a widows grief, RI is Racist Ire and Ts isTime spent.

    I have also calculated the work calories needed to undo the damage that donnie has done in one year. But wonkette doesn’t have enough bandwidth to post the numbers.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Not fair!

      You get to non-comment on math stuff. Every time I non-comment on math st{{{ZZOTT!!!}}}

      fuckme

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      “The energy level is 45 megawatts.”
      “Well, that’s not so bad.”
      “Times 10 to the 14th power.”
      “Oh.”

      “What does that mean?”
      “It means if Darth Vader is willing to loan us the Death Star we might have a chance. Might.”

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • Khavrinen

      Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Anything but that!

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    senate votes down the post 20 weeks abortion ban and House votes to release the memo?

    Is my news feed borked? WTF is happening.

  • RickyG
  • Mehmeisterjr

    They’ll quick reprint them correctly, destroy most of the misspelled tickets and sell the rest of them at a steep markup as collectors’ items.

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba
    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I presume this is a live feed from the campaign or the RNC. In which case, I’m not surprised in the least.

    • the fuck?

    • jowgajen

      At least we get this from the replies:

      https://twitter.com/personalitty/status/958142331546415104

    • Jenny

      Ok not only tacky but is it even legal? Also why self dox yourself for this idiot? Ugh!

    • HazooToo

      Nothing is real anymore.

    • data_ninja

      How many times will Putin’s name show up?

    • Resistor Radio

      What. The. Fuck. Is this satire?

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      So we can see who owns Trump? How many Russian shell companies will they list?

      • Resistor Radio

        Will it just be names like: Lori, Carmen, Evelyn etc? We’re not too far off from Trump doing a Land Rover Range Rover fundraising raffle.

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          Its better then the last raffles they held, they where for dinner with Trump. At least with the Land Rover Range Rover you can drive away quickly.

          thehill.com/homenews/administration/351664-trump-raffling-off-chance-to-have-dinner-with-him-at-fundraiser

    • YoBunnyBunny

      WTF? something something SOROS!!1! …

    • everstar

      I’m okay with it. NASCAR drivers wear the logos of their sponsors, after all.

    • Oh FFS.

    • Lord Jim

      What disturbs me is how few people will think anything of this. Trump and Congress have normalized degeneracy.

  • jeffg166

    I see my cat has been writing headlines again.

  • Beawild

    Damn, he’s f**king with my TV viewing. Tuesdays is CBS night: NCIS, Bull and NCIS New Orleans. I hate him even more now. Drop dead, you old bastard!!!!

  • President in Exile Firefly

    I’d rather have oral surgery tomorrow night than watch SOTU.

    And I had oral surgery today…

    • OutOfOrbit

      Wait till the meds wear off

    • Beawild

      I rather have an enema. At least my s-hole would be cleaner than the diarrhea that comes out of his foul mouth.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Yeah, I thought it would be difficult to schedule a colonoscopy during the State of the Union address, but it turns out my gastroenterologist was totally fine with it.

      We’re both kind of looking forward to tomorrow evening.

      • Ms. MLG on Maui

        Take some nice scented candles with you. Make a night of it!

        • data_ninja

          It’s not as romantic as winking at your doctor when they ask you to cough, but I still like it!

      • Did mine last Thursday. Y’all were with me in spirit.

  • KC

    So how much did it cost us taxpayers for Moron’s trip to Davos to hobnob with the rich people, and take his entire staff, cabinet members, and family (except Melaria) with him?

  • I wonder if a network will be running a laugh track over it.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Mystery Politics Theatre

      • Resistor Radio

        “In the not too distant future…”

        • everstar

          “If you’re wondering how they legislate and other lawful facts/Then repeat to yourself, ‘It’s my country’s fate, I should really not relax!'”

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Let’s see what bullshit the Nunes memo contains.

    • All the bullshit. Probably some pig shit too

    • OutOfOrbit

      I bet we never find out

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        I was wondering this, too. Trump is supposedly going to review it, and decide whether to release it.

        • OutOfOrbit

          That will get them to the next cluster distraction

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Stonekettle called it:
      http://www.stonekettle.com/2018/01/dirty-tricks.html?m=1

      Now, here’s the thing: Devin Nunes doesn’t even have that. He has no intelligence training at all.

      Nunes never served in the military. He was never a civilian intelligence analyst of any kind. He certainly doesn’t have any kind of degree in it. He has no intelligence background at all.

      Devin Nunes’ degree, training, and experience is in agriculture. Specifically, cows.

      He is quite literally an expert in bullshit.

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        Love this.

      • everstar

        Poor cows.

  • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

    i hope he shits himself. like, loud and messy, full-on hershey squirts. and i hope he insists it isn’t happening, didn’t happen, would never happen, how dare you. and i hope our beloved republican pundits and congressvarmints all nod and hold their noses, on camera, all night.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      The “Base” will only declare the Trump is the best chocolatier.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    sonofabitch – i just saw a case decision where the convict in the case has my first and last name.

    Doh.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Dept. and Tacos?

    • data_ninja
      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        I love that episode – “There’s the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.” “What’s the Max Power way?” “The wrong way….only faster.”

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          “Get used to it, honey. From now on, we’ll be spelling everything with letters.”

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            i forgot the best part “max power doesn’t snuggle – you strap yourself in and feel the gs”

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            It’s one of my favorite episodes, too.

          • Resistor Radio

            Lol, you beat me to it!

          • Doug Langley

            “Oh, LORD!!!”

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          dammit, I fucked it up…not bad though for doing it from a memory that’s at least 10 years

      • Doug Langley

        Years ago a bodybuilding magazine ran a comic about the adventures of the greatest bodybuilder ever. He was name Max Rep.

    • That’s a miracle. Dept. of Space Tacos is not a common name, at least around here.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        believe it or not, it’s Portuguese.

        • Resistor Radio

          Huh. I woulda guessed Inuit.

      • Resistor Radio

        Dude, you just outed yourself as a Russian troll. Space Tacos is as common a name in US of A as your Ivans or Dimitris. ;)

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Maybe it’s proof we’re living in the Matrix…

      • Resistor Radio

        “You can’t handle the proof!”

    • Doug Langley

      Creepy, isn’t it? I once lived in Los Angeles and once I opened a phone book to see if anyone else had my name. About 20 listings, it turned out.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        i’ve told you guys how I already got placed under arrest once for a florida warrant of a guy who had my same first and last and a VERY similar birthdate – like the day before and the year before…

        • Doug Langley

          Weird. So fun day today?

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            nah – no work, school and chores.

            I mentioned it earlier, but I WAS lucky that my dead car battery was covered by warranty! Woo hoo!

            You?

          • Doug Langley

            Yay warranties! Nah, just sat around and worked on tomorrow’s lesson. You’d be surprised how much work it is to prepare something on database normalization with surrogate and candidate keys.

          • Doug Langley

            Whoops, almost forgot. Also offered a summer class.

    • One of the – for his staff – funnier things like that was when my then boss went to Canada for a conference. One of the other people was checking some news items from there and followed a link. Turns out one of the most wanted people by the RCMP had the same name as our boss. We were rather hopeful he wouldn’t make it back across the border.

    • SisterArtemis

      I’ve googled my name (of course). Apparently, I am a successful public works administrator in a small midwestern city. I look very nice.

      • My real name is an incredibly common one. About 4 years ago, I did a search, and about the 30’th page of results I showed up.

        • Old town Urbandale

          Damn, I’m the first few entries in the list when I Google myself, and over in the box on the right is a photo of my house from Google streetview, and a Google map with my house pinpointed. Of course, I *am* logged in to Google for Gmail, so maybe they’re just flattering me.

        • SisterArtemis

          my last name is pretty unusual. Still, when I move to a new town, there are typically a handful of people with the same last name who are not, as far as I know, related to me.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          mine is too – hellz bellz, my high school had a guy with the same first and last name as me.

  • Marceline

    I hear Bernie is going to be doing his own rebuttal. I just picture him talking into a Go Pro from a storage container filled with “Feel the Bern” campaign merchandise.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      He can fuck right off and take Jill Stein with him.

    • Bananas Foster

      Can’t the two of them just go open up AARP’s first office on the moon or something?

    • Lord Jim
      • everstar

        This is one of my favorite Bones moments of all time, and nobody ever gets the reference. Thank you.

  • Our Bespectecled Fmr FBI boyfriend Clint Watts is on with Chris Hayes!

    • everstar

      Ooh, two of my bespectacled boyfriends at once!

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So we’re going to have to cross our fingers that the media will call bullshit on the Nunes Memo.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Just like they did with Hillary’s e-mails, and Lois Lerner, and Barry’s birth certificate, and . . . hey, good luck with that.

      • Delu

        Yup.

        I’m not hoping.

        The fact they gave so much attention to a memo that no one knows what’s in, is the same as giving attention to unread emails.

        This is what the media does.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Chris Christie was hired by ABC News. Which is fine, I can’t even tell you the last time I watched ABC New. Is Kent Brockman still doing Smartline?

    • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

      Was he really? Why?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Because the media is a sewer and he is a big piece of shit

        • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

          I should have known.

      • everstar

        ABC was envious of Megyn Kelly’s raging success, I suppose.

        • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

          LOL! It’s funny because it’s true.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Is he going to be on that show, “The Chew?”

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Or the Biggest Loser?

        • CindyinEncinitas

          Bonanza remake?

          • JustDon’tSayGrammy

            American Idol?

    • Petunia Cat

      Think about this: he was trumps first choice for VP. We could be sitting here wanting Trump to be impeached and then get Chris Christie for president. 😱 Don’t get me wrong Pence is horrific. But Christie would just be a big ball of petulant corruption. Mind you that’s sounding really nice right about now. 😌 💰🕳

      • Delu

        big ball of petulant corruption.

        The current one isn’t enough?

  • dieselox

    So I was in San Antonio, Texas last week for a conference on power grid technology. They had this free t-shirt giveaway. What’s the first thing that comes to mind? I’m not sure it’s what the show sponsors had in mind…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1ba7e3e9411ae2dd25c8a57a69aa62383271746221bc9dd1203d3a811e0bafdb.jpg

  • As I mentioned elsewhere on Wonkette tonight, it’s a damn shame that the Olympics are so covered in crap (politics, doping. financial bullshit) because it’s the only time the world ever pays attention to these athletes.

    How many of these Gold Medalists from the last Winter Olympics do you remember?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw-FaG3-HMU

  • Michael R
  • SisterArtemis

    Just ignore/OT, because I want to test something

    just experimenting with using the html editor for wordpress to perhaps use in disqus commenting. Will the html codes transfer?

    and what about weird codes, like

    something that has a link in it?

    or maybe

    some blockquoted text

    or maybe

    bullet point one
    two
    and three

    hmmmmm

    • SisterArtemis

      ok, bulleted list and strikethrough are different, and boi red text, but otherwise, success!

      • Witch!

        • SisterArtemis

          I got better!

      • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

        Srikethrough is and (no spaces).

        • SisterArtemis

          I know it in Disqus world, and when I’m putting links in and such, I fuss around typing all the codes. But I can use the wordpress “visual” (wysiwyg) editor, then switch to the html view, and copy and paste. It’ll be easier, and I can get to the wordpress editor pretty fast for constructing a longer post.

          • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

            I never thought of that. Maybe you are a witch with these powers. ;-)

        • Old town Urbandale

          Yes, because no one would understand what the tag did if it was . Idjits.

          • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

            It’s very inconsistent. Some are abbreviated, some aren’t. I’d prefer “blockquote” to be “bl” to save time.

          • Old town Urbandale

            I use on Disqus all the time, to make sure my text is black.

          • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

            LOL! Better safe than sorry.

      • Jamoche

        Also too <spoiler>

        • SisterArtemis

          I don’t think wordpress has spoiler tag, but I can just add in the ones it doesn’t provide. Being able to just type [ctrl-i} for italic, or click the little icon to blockquote a selection, will be helpful, as will the embedded link formatting.

    • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

      As you’re discovering, some work and some don’t. The really awesome ones, like changing font size and color (other than to blue), don’t.

    • data_ninja
      • SisterArtemis

        Yes, I’ve visited there before – thanks! I’d lost the link I’d bookmarked somewhere.

        More what I was experimenting with was using a word processor like platform to write longer posts on, letting the editor do the work of converting formatting and link tags for me.

  • BigCSouthside

    Jesus, trump is gonna fire Rosenstein

    • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

      He’s just stupid enough to try it.

      • everstar

        Trump’s probably thinking, “It worked out great for Nixon.”

        • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

          In all seriousness, that’s what I don’t get. There’s already a template for such stupidity and Trump and Associates seem determined to follow it to a T.

          • everstar

            I just want the impeachment part to work.

          • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

            You and me both.

          • TJ Barke

            There’s a bunch of shameless craven opportunistic accomplices in Congress and the Senate willing to aid and abet him.

          • everstar

            What really blows my mind is how many of them sit there and whinge that there’s nothing they can do.

          • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

            That was true of President Nixon, too. For a while. That Trump is demonstrably worse doesn’t seem to matter this time around, though.

            It’s just unreal.

          • everstar

            In the end, though, enough people in the House and Senate realized what Nixon had done was inexcusable. We’re not guaranteed of that this time.

          • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

            Party over country would explain that.

          • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

            Those that don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. And Trump doesn’t know his arsehole from a hole in the ground.

          • The Not So Handsome Stranger.

            100% agreed!

        • WannabeTraveler

          Nixon didn’t have Sinclair Media and Fox and Friends,,,, this is new territory for the propaganda wing, and much more effective than in Nixon’s time.

          • everstar

            I know. It’s disheartening.

          • WannabeTraveler

            I lost a little hope today,,,,,,,

          • everstar

            What happened?

          • WannabeTraveler

            Rethug fuckery……just looks impossible to get thru all the noise and his followers believe everything they are being fed. They got McCabe today, I know he was leaving, but it just feels like something has gone wrong for democracy and it aint coming back soon. I think I just have very negative outlook on the world today, I hope I feel better tomorrow. :-)

          • everstar

            Me too.

          • TJ Barke

            Roger Ailes probably built it explicitly with this shit in mind.

          • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

            Fox, however, is Roger Ailes’ legacy.

    • data_ninja

      Yep, that’s the next (il)logical conclusion.

      ETA: Possibly in time for his big purty speech. His is a showman after all!

      • gallbladder

        Gotta kill two birds with one stone by getting rid of an enemy and getting a bump in his “ratings.”

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        He will do it during the SOTU speech while big money donors are flashing on the screen.

    • WannabeTraveler

      Probably Mueller too, just to see if he can get away with it.

      • Delu

        He might.

        Stupid shit is prime intellectual property in America currently.

        • WannabeTraveler

          I think he would like the adrenaline rush,,,,,,, and doing the exact opposite his advisors tell him to do, and then when he gets away with it, then he can say he was right all along.

          • Delu

            There’s a vox article about this aspect of Trump’s presidency.

            The most relevant and striking part is how Trump is winning, but because he is, America is losing:

            https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2018/1/29/16900646/trump-administration-tweets-media-polarization

          • Lord Jim

            Trump wouldn’t have that victory were it not for 1) White people voting their bigotry 2) a Congress in dereliction of its function to act as a check on presidential power.

          • Delu

            The one who is giving him the real victory is the media and all their attention.

            That’s what Trump is truly after after all.

          • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

            3) the Electoral College, a wholly owned subsidiary of Trump University, Sputnik satellite campus of the University of Moscow.

            (and also a racist relic that’s basically the 3/5 Compromise writ large)

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    I don’t see how any reasonable person can continue to doubt that the highest levels of the American government are in the control of a grand criminal conspiracy.

    • everstar

      I think it’s more like a grand criminal conspiracy is in control of the highest levels of the American government. But yes.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I think you may be overestimating the number of reasonable people in this country.

      • Bub, Secret Society zombie

        I was careful not to include an estimate of the total.

    • Michael R

      Trump loves a fight , it’s up to the American people
      to surround the White House and give him one

      I have learned nothing in twenty years that would suggest that evil people can be rapidly influenced by any means other than raw power. They do not respond, at least in the short run, to either gentle kindness or any form of spiritual persuasion with which I am familiar.

      M. Scott Peck – People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil ( 1983 )

      • Fight you say? I used to be pretty good at that when all else failed.

      • WannabeTraveler

        Extended marches are the only thing they can’t deny or spin. They can try, but the chanting alone would drive him over the edge. It took the citizens of South Korea 45 days of protest to remove their corrupt leader, why are Americans not more outraged?

        • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

          Because there’s a fool’s ball game on this week and lulzworthy memes on Fecesbook.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      Jim Garrison?

      • Resistor Radio

        He said reasonable.

    • OutOfOrbit

      The Cabal

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Well, enough people on the Right have bought into the “team” identity, zero-sum dynamics of politics. If the Dems are right about any one of the accusations against Trump, they’ve interpreted it to be GAME OVER! for themselves.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s more like a petty criminal conspiracy.

      • Khavrinen

        Bungling, petty criminal conspiracy.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    I’m watching Get Out. It’s gotten to the first really creepy part. Will I watch the whole thing? We shall see. I ain’t making no promises.

    • It is very good

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      The killer is calling from inside the house!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Spoiler: it was the clowns.

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      Stick with it.
      It’s worth it.
      Yes, it’s creepy, (in a Twilight Zone kind of way).

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Will do my best!

    • everstar

      Every time I watched the trailers for Get Out, I would think to myself, “Josh Lyman, how could you?” Poor Bradley Whitford. He’s never going to be anyone else in my head.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Oh, gawd, the sun is setting on night two. Duh duh duh duh.

  • Gosala

    Can’t quite say why this strikes me as important and timely, but it does:

    Ahura Mazda spoke to Zarathushtra, saying, “I have made every land dear to its dwellers, even though it had no charms whatever in it. Had I not made every land dear to its dwellers even though though it had no charm whatever in it, then the whole living world would have invaded Airyana Vaêgo*

    Fargard 1:1-2

    *The land of the blessed dead ruled by Yima, the first man [sic]

    (Translation: Everyone loves their own homeland even if it’s a shithole. If they did not love their homeland even though it’s a shithole, they would all kill themselves. )

    • Lord Jim

      Man has a point.

      • Gosala

        Technically, Mazda is a god. But, yeah.

        • Doug Langley

          Some god. Mine needs new shocks and is getting rust.

          • Gosala

            The gods depend upon our worship to maintain their strength. Clearly you did not offer enough prayers and sacrifices.

          • Doug Langley

            I try, but it’s just so hard to find virgins where I live.

        • SkinlessGenderlessMan

          Really, only the 1st Gen Miata. The rest are fun, but I don’t worship them…

    • Delu

      The 3 headed dark dragon’s words ring true.

      • Gosala

        According to my sources the three headed dragon is Azi Dahâka. So, I’m confused.

        • Delu

          Oh, I confused the 2 of them.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Well said. And his writing is well worth a Nobel. I’m not actually on the committee, but if I was, I would totally vote for him.

  • Ok. I have submitted my vacation form for the Film Featival this year. Now i just need to save 800 bucks

    • Lord Jim

      Lay off the sauce. You’ll make your goal in a month.

      *ducks*

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Living the dream. Go, you.

  • Nounverb911
    • Delu

      So they are writing his speeches for him now?

      Looks like we have a #PresidentFoxNews.

    • Anna Rompage

      OMG, the person sitting next to me on the flight back from NOLA had Faux Noose running on their screen the entire time in the Air…

      They stank like cheap cosmetics, were fussy with the flight attendants, and kept stretching and putting their elbows in my space.

      In other words, they were your typical self absorbed asshole that thought they were entitled to first class service and space, but were travling on a coach budget

    • BadKitty904
  • Anna Rompage

    Eim cordually inveyeted?

    I think I’d rather have a fine dinner at the local Taco Bell, than to attend the Steak of the Uniom address…

  • Doug Langley

    I have hot and heavy grading to do tomorrow, so I’ll rely on the Wonketeers to keep me up to date.

    • Lord Jim

      Some people have all the luck…😊

    • Msgr_MΩment

      That’s what they pay you the big bucks for.

      • Doug Langley

        BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

        Sorry, If I had kept that in, my teeth would have exploded.

  • Delu

    My general thoughts on the SOTU address.

    “What shit will that dumb orange motherfucker say this time?”

    They are words of anticipation.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    at the start of week 3 of my intro to lit class, I’m down from perfect by 1.28 points…and it’s pissing me off.

    • Doug Langley

      Good Gawd. I don’t grade by partial points. Your prof must be a real perfectionist.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    As well as being a malodorous pervert, Julian isn’t too fucking bright, it seems:
    https://twitter.com/oneunderscore__/status/958149213803696128

    • MANGO CRIMES

      this is why I only ever refer to Wikileaks as “Putin’s Wikileaks”

    • YoBunnyBunny

      “I felt bad. He really thought he was talking to Sean Hannity,” said Gilliam.

      Girl, please!!!! Take that shit and run with it!!!! Milk his pasty ass for all he’s worth.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      That’s dimwitted malodorous pervert, Thank you.

  • MANGO CRIMES
  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Anderson Cooper had Schiff on but then had a Repub member on because “After we interview the robbery victim we will interview the robber to get his side of the story.”

    • YoBunnyBunny

      But of course…

      Fuck everything… I know I’m expecting too much, but at what point do they intend to start defenestratig lying mofos LIVE??? After the Republic falls, or while it’s falling?

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Half a head of cabbage, leftover tomato sauce, leftover rice . . . I’d say dinner pretty much decided itself tonight.

    • Doug Langley

      You ordered pizza?

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        I may. I remembered a few minutes ago that MrsMatt is going to a movie with her friend.

    • Rasilom

      Im a cookin up shake and back ckicken and stuffing. Yeah I know, shake and bake but Im feelin lazy

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      “How about a salad?”
      “Hmm… Feeling more like something warm.”

      Broccoli and pasta tossed with olive oil, pepper, garlic powder, roasted garlic powder and finely grated Romano cheese.

      Oversalted the water a bit, and we will be sweating garlic tomorrow, but it only took twenty minutes and was freakin’ yummy.

    • WannabeTraveler

      I suggest making cabbage rolls with leftover rice, fry up a little bacon and onion add to rice, steam your cabbage leaves very briefly, roll rice mix inside cabbage and then pour tomato sauce over them and put them in the oven bake for a couple of hrs @300

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    Has a Secret Service agent ever had to take a table lamp or coffee mug for the president?

    https://www.rawstory.com/2018/01/melania-trump-furious-husband-stormy-daniels-payoff-report/

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      If Barron likes his DC school, she’ll find a way to make it work. If he doesn’t, it’s back to NYC dahlink, and shopping and lunching.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    The lexicon grows:
    1. Covfefe.
    2. Nambia.
    3. Bowling Green Massacre.
    4. Shithole.
    5. Bigly.
    7. Unpresidented.
    8. Uniom.
    …I’m too f’ing lazy to think of any more tonight.

    These are to be considered the apex of Trump’s accomplishments while occupying the shithouse. What a worthless motherfucker!

    • Anna Rompage

      Bigly!

      • altleftjohn

        I hear he has a bigly brain that knows all the best words

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
      • Delu

        Remember those jokes made about the “illiterati”?

        Well this is them ruling the roost and what that looks like.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I just canna keep up wit da’ shit. My derp filter gets clogged.

      • SayItWithWookies

        It couldn’t happen to a more deserving proponent of educatuon.

    • Presumably Communistic

      Don’t forget “predisent”!

    • Stable Uniomist Raan

      YOOGE.

    • altleftjohn

      Fake news!

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        He also invented “prime the pump” right before inventing fake news.

    • amrak63

      “There is NOOOOOOOO–Rule 6”

      • Doug Langley

        Bruce libelz!!1!!11

    • Delu

      There’s no 9 either.

      What’s the significance of a 69?

    • Werewolf

      Normay.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    https://tech.slashdot.org/story/18/01/29/2154249/volkswagen-admits-to-testing-diesel-fumes-on-monkeys this is all kinds of messed up. Its brutally ironic that a German company did this since the Nazis originally used Carbon monoxide to gas the jews before switching to Nerve gas.

    • amrak63

      Hydrogen cyanide, not nerve gas.

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        Oops, i thought it was a rough precusor of nerve gas.

        • Cat Cafe

          You’re both right, hideously. The Nazis experimented with forcing the Jews at gunpoint into vans, in which the exhaust pipes were piped INTO the van, so that as they were driven through the streets, they were killed with carbon monoxide. This was so darn inefficient, so they then tried machine gunning them into pits in the forest, but this was too tough on the poor Hitler youth, who had believed the fine propaganda and now started having nervous breakdowns. The camps, with the Zyklon B, were actually instituted to make it easier on the Nazis. “Very fine people.”

          Also: the monkeys were watching cartoons? Do monkeys watch TV? Have we finally come to understand why programming decisions are made?

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Yeah, at the very least that’s bad optics, considering the context… at the worst it’s GOD AWFUL INHUMANE.

  • akryan

    no fucking chance I’ll be watching that.

  • Nasty Woman Persisted

    I want to make sure that I properly understand the Hellhole we live in.
    1- Congress approved (overwhelmingly) additional sanctions for Russia, due today, but Trumps boys decided to ignore it.
    2.Trump is going to do a PBS Marathon trick and run chryon of RNC donors during his prezdental address.
    3.His turd gobblers in the House are releasing a BS memo about the DOJ and FBI against the advice of FBI and DOJ due to NATIONAL security concerns to soothe TheRumps fee-fees.
    4. Same turd-gobblers are onpening an investigation into the FBI and DOJ instead of how Russia interferred in our elections and how to prevnt it from happening again.

    Did I miss something?

    • OutOfOrbit

      “turd gobblers”
      I like

    • Delu

      Take note that this “release” is after much fanfare, for about a week of it I guess.

      So yeah, the bullshit stinks.

      • OutOfOrbit

        tRump will not release the memo and the Nunees know it

        • Delu

          The fanfare over the alleged memo was the real thing I believe.

          If you’re really going to release information that is hard hitting and beneficial to you, the last thing you want to do is to announce such a thing beforehand.

          That they did shows that yes, Nunes is full of it.

          Indeed that fanfare and the effects it has seems far more important than the actual memo itself. We saw how it works with the unread Clinton emails 2 years ago, we are seeing it again now.

          Trumpians know how to reuse a winning strategy.

    • Petunia Cat

      YES! He forced out Andrew McCabe today. And folks like Tea Pain, Eichenwald and Sarah Kendzior think he’s getting ready to fire Rosenstein. Maybe’s going to fire him tomorrow. 😱

      Also Eichenwald thinks Nunes is covering up shit he has done for Russia, and is not even protecting Trump anymore. Based on Nunes’s is weird actions. I don’t know how feasible that is.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        I think that applies to all the GOP dickweeds in Congress. They can’t possibly trying this hard to cover Trump’s rancid taint. They were in on the fuckshit, too, says I.

        • Petunia Cat

          I think it’s a lot. But that others are just deer caught in headlights. They don’t know what to do so they do nothing. The switch in their brain hasn’t flipped from Party loyalty to Whoa this isn’t the Party anymore. And I think that people like McConnell and Ryan are doing it for the rubles. Whereas others are actual assets. Including Nunes.

      • Covfefe

        I believed from the very start that Nunes was covering up his own dealings with the Russians.

    • cheetojeebus

      So, basically the Republicans take away from Nixon’s Saturday Night Massacre is to go bigger-more shock and awe?

    • No, it’s pretty much the worst of all worlds.

  • Petunia Cat

    Here’s an interesting thing. Tea pain from a couple days ago. Before McCabe was turfed out. 😵🤭😰 He’s talking about how Mueller who can’t arrest Trump because he’s president, will arrest everyone around him. It’s interesting, and optimism-making.
    https://mobile.twitter.com/TeaPainUSA/status/957019284479365122

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    What has 5 letters that starts with ‘N’ and ends with ‘s’ that seeks to undermine a democratic republic and install an authoritarian dictatorship?

    Nunes.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Nazis?

      • Most Stable Land Shark

        Why not both?

  • Red Bird on a Shithouse

    I’m actually going to try to go to bed early tonight. So, my contribution for the overnight thread dance party is this peppy tune.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B5JpDA-cig&index=118&list=PLjIdXMnPPrSEfTFSn409MWZYtmX5ygG1D

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Guys, if the only real question is “What did the President know, and when did he know it?” we may have a problem.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      define “know”….

      • Gosala

        That’s easy, Socrates. Knowledge is direct apprehension unmediated by the senses or mental formations.

        • Smoke O’Hontas

          Socrates was a known liberal elitist snowflake and it’s reported that he had the queer tendancies. See my exhaustive bibliography:
          1. Books.
          2. Internet.

    • BadKitty904
      • Husband Of Mrs God

        Reminds me for some reason of Walternate on ~Fringe.~
        Then I remembered in that alternate universe, Nixon’s head is on the dollar coin because he was elected in 1960.

  • BadKitty904

    NWP or Picky or one of y’all, come dance with me!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zg2H1Ou5bYU

    • OutOfOrbit

      Imagination ON

    • Finding my dancing shoes! They aren’t appropriate winter wear so i put them away

      • BadKitty904

        I’ll wait!

  • A federal judge on Monday compared the behavior of immigration agents to “treatment we associate with regimes we revile as unjust” and issued an order for the release of a well-known immigration activist who was suddenly arrested on Jan. 11 during a check-in with Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

    https://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/ravi-ragbir-release-freedom-to-say-goodbye

  • “President Dumpster Chunks”

    BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

    • 🍁 Secret Society Girl Guide 🍁

      Get @Wannabe Traveler in here. That’s another one for the Ultimate Insults collection.

      • WannabeTraveler

        Already on the list……lol

  • Husband Of Mrs God