HI. HOW YEW? Living it up in your balmy 45-degree bikini weather? Then we are COMIN’ TO VISIT! We love Montana, home to so many exciting Klan members running for office, plus whatever these guys are, but our winter lasts seven months, not kidding, and we need a little sunshine, the all-day-long Caribbean sort you get in … the Sierra Nevadas? Jesus, what is WRONG with us!

Be ready to PARTY SEVENTH-GRADE PIZZA STYLE (we actually just mean “a pizza party,” not “in a sex dungeon,” man they have ruined EVERYTHING) on the following days!

Long Beach, California, see us Monday, Feb. 5! Buono’s Pizza, 250 W. Ocean Blvd., Long Beach!

If you are in the Mammoth or June Lake or Mono Lake area and want to have us over for dinner or high tea, ask us sometime between Feb. 9 and 10!

Reno? We have heard your pleas and will see you Sunday, Feb. 11! Noble Pie downtown, 4-7 p.m.!

Klamath Falls? Are you there? Invite us to dogpile in your driveway Mon., Feb. 12! (We’re not bringing the dogs, but we are bringing Grandpa!)

Bend, Oregon! We will pre-game Valentine’s with you Tues., Feb. 13! Bend Pizza Kitchen, 2755 Northwest Crossing Dr., Bend, Oregon, 5:30 to 7:30 p.m.!

Portland, Oregon, and sloe gin fizz, we gon’ see you Feb. 15 and buy you some beer, because sloe gin fizz is not a thing anybody actually drinks anymore, Loretta Lynn’s LIES notwithstanding. We will see you at the Lucky Labrador Beer Hall — this is the QUIMBY location, in Northwest! 1945 NW Quimby St, Portland, OR 97209. 6:30-8:30 p.m.!

Spokane! You been added! Fri., Feb. 16! Hooray! South Perry Pizza, 6-8 p.m.! 1011 S. Perry St., Spokane!

OK love you bye bye!

It wouldn’t be a Wonkette World Tour without you giving us money to buy you a beer.

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