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Meet Courtland Sykes. If Courtland Sykes were in a Lifetime movie, he would be a sleazy finance bro our heroine meets at the beginning whom she inexplicably finds charming, and who later becomes super obsessed with her and murders her quirky suspicious friend with peanuts (suspicious friends all have peanut allergies and are quirky, it’s a Lifetime rule) and then attempts to trap her in his basement lair with the last five other women who tried to leave him, all of whom are now corpses in bridal gowns, and force her to love him.

I can also see him in a B-movie situation where he is the head of a mysterious company that is turning people into zombie super soldiers.

In real life, he is a douchebag who is running for the US Senate from the Great State of Missouri. Behold, his campaign ad, replete with atomic bombs and somehow not a disappointing Saturday Night Live parody:

I do not use the term “douchebag” lightly here. Recently, in response to a question of whether or not he supported “women’s rights,” Sykes posted a missive to his Facebook wall explaining that he totally supports women’s rights. That is, a woman’s right to make him dinner.

He writes:

“Chanel [Rion], my fiancee, has given me orders to favor these rights, so I’d better,” he said. “But Chanel knows that my obedience comes with a small price that she loves to pay anyway — I want to come home to a home-cooked dinner at six every night, one that she fixes.

“It’s exactly the kind of family dinner that I expect one day my future daughters will learn to make after they too become traditional homemakers and family wives — think Norman Rockwell here — and Gloria Steinham [sic, unless he is talking about another famous feminist who goes around wearing Scout’s Ham costume from To Kill a Mockingbird all the time] be damned.”

May I just note — Norman Rockwell was divorced once, married three times, did not regularly attend church, and both he and his wife (who had a job as a schoolteacher, by the way) had to move in order to receive psychiatric treatment. His psychologist, Erik Erikson, reportedly told him that he painted his happiness and did not live it. So yeah, even Norman Rockwell was not living that Norman Rockwell life.

Now, I am all for cooking if that is your thing. I genuinely enjoy cooking for people I love, and so do lots of other people. It’s one thing if you’re doing it because that’s what you want to do, and another if it’s because some Stanley Kowalski cafone demanding his home cooked dinner at 6 p.m. sharp. If that’s what you’re looking for, just go ahead and marry a damned crock pot.

Unlike all you other suckers out there, Courtland Sykes wants you to know that he “does not buy into radical feminism’s crazed definition of modern womanhood” that he says they “made up to suit their own nasty snake-filled heads.” He has his own definition, thank you very much, and would like women to buy into that, instead. He thinks they will like it! In fact, he is pretty sure all the women of today think Hillary Clinton and her career-having is super gross, and that what they all really want is to be Donna Reed. (Donna Reed was also not Donna Reed IRL.) Way to be in touch with the youth of today!

Sykes then notes that he totally wants his future daughters to have nice lives, and would even be OK with them having “home-based enterprises” which I am guessing means that he will allow them to sell Jamberry on the side so long as they are still getting that dinner ready for their husband every night? That’s nice of him.

One thing they will not be however is…

career obsessed banshees who forgo home life and children and the happiness of family to become nail-biting manophobic hell-bent feminist she devils who shriek from the top of a thousand tall buildings they are [SIC] think they could have leaped in a single bound — had men not been ‘suppressing them.’ It’s just nuts.

One thing Courtland Sykes will not stand for, as Senator from Missouri, is women telling him what women’s rights are! After all, what do they know about what is good for them? Courtland Sykes knows what is good for them, and that is making him a pot roast and fetching his pipe and slippers.

May all Courtland Sykes’s future daughters play field hockey.

[Raw Story]

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  • Downpup E

    Also, Mr Traditional is Living in Sin.

    • birdbrain53

      Wondered about that. Not very traditional, eh?

  • shivaskeeper

    This fucking guy. That is all.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi
    • lynchie

      looks like an old Trey Gowdy

  • msanthropesmr

    Lysistrata. That is all.

  • canes_pugnaces

    I believe in woman’s right to cook him for the dog’s dinner.

  • rg9rts

    That Douche would make a nice bookend to Cotton …another gopee moron

  • Sean Jungian

    So the only way these douche-bros can get a woman to cook for them is if they literally take away her rights to do anything else.

    Got it.

    • rg9rts

      like Perry did in Texas

    • Bill O’Neil

      I guess we will find out how many stupid women live in Missouri when they tally up his vote count from women.

  • TJ Barke

    If you wanna get with a woman that’s into that, then fine, some women are fine with that sort of thing. But you don’t get to decide that all women have to live that way or that’s all they’re good for, and you don’t get to get to dictate that your daughters must live that way too.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      As he will find out, soon enough. If that finance gal is dumb enough actually go through with the marriage.

      • sarafina

        not the marriage, the pregnancy.

  • cheetojeebus

    Doooood, not a good idea to say obviously offensive stuff about women when 71.3 of food servers are women. Not that women would spit in your food or worse. Of course they wouldn’t.

  • ariel_gee_398

    I dunno, he also looks like he could be the character that gets the main character pregnant then attempts to deny paternity, forcing her to lean on her quirky (male) best friend who she eventually realizes she’s really in love with.

  • fawkedifiknow

    This dipshit looks like he’s straight from a Pat Robertson PTL casting company.

    • kaydenpat

      That raised eyebrow is so manly!! /s

  • msanthropesmr

    HEY ASSHOLE
    I SUGGEST ONE OF THESE WITH A SIDE OF FLESHLIGHT
    ASSHOLE

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8D9YE26QEs

  • Gayer Than Thou

    TBH, I’d hit it. But I’m calling bullshit on the whole thing. “Courtland Sykes”? And he’s serving Blue Steel realness in his campaign photo? Gotta be an attempt to produce some viral marketing for a new movie.

    • proudgrampa

      I’d hit it, too. With a baseball bat.

      • FamilyThalamus,Stable Genius

        Or a mace.

    • kaydenpat

      He does sound way over the top with that “where my samwich at, woman” talk, but given how extreme Conservatives have become who knows.

    • Roadstergal

      He _does_ know that Pierce Brosnan was the most effete Bond, yes?

  • Raan

    He looks like the kind of guy the casting director would get after Bruce Campbell turned them down and David Duchovny was busy with another project (either time that happened).

    • canes_pugnaces

      From experience I can tell you producers get this photo a thousand times, and more often that not the owner of the mug is working as a trainer at a shitty gym somewhere.

  • Jennaratrix

    THIS GUY.

  • ArgieBargie

    Has anyone told him this performance art bit isn’t particular good?

  • kaydenpat

    What an idiot. He needs to find a time machine and go back to the 60s — 1860s, that is.

    • Eileen Besse

      Thank you; the 1960s wouldn’t have had him, either!

  • Roadstergal

    “career obsessed banshees who forgo home life and children and the happiness of family to become nail-biting manophobic hell-bent feminist she devils”

    You called?

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE!

    • Ling Ling

      Yes, he did. And he wants the standard “brutal dick punch”.

      • Roadstergal

        I’ll pencil something in.

        • Raan

          See if you can get him on the way down a flight of stairs.

          Get that shoryuken going.

          • Roadstergal

            FINISH HIM.

            (With votes.)

          • Lord Jim

            Go for the three-hit. The five-hit is flashier but doesn’t do as much damage.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      I’m glad we only have to say that once to summon you, because I am not sure I could say all that correctly three times in a row.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      That certainly is a fervid conservative mouthful. Reads like parody. Are we sure this isn’t parody?

      • NastyBossetti

        I think the consensus is: no, we’re not sure.

    • I may be a manophobic hell-bent feminist she devil, but I DO NOT bite my nails!

      • Roadstergal

        I used to. Then I discovered acrylic. Dunno how it works, but it does.

        • Wonder

          Makes em too chewy

      • Wonder

        That nail biting bit was oddly specific. Wonder who bites her nails?

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Someone needs to tell him why those women have short nails…and it has nothing to do with nail-biting.

    • MissNomer

      It wouldn’t fit on a bumper sticker, but I’d wear that T-shirt.

  • FamilyThalamus,Stable Genius

    Nope. Can’t do it. At 50 seconds in, I thought puke risk was too high.

    This douchbro should be an entry in Merriam -Webster. And Urban Dictionalry.

  • Beelzebubba

    Has his fianceé seen that damned thing? Is she allowed to have thoughts about it?

  • George

    Did you notice the 4 row planter in the ad?
    Modern planters can go up to nearly 100 rows.
    The man is as ass backwards as Trump wanting to bring back coal.
    How about refrigeration elimination to bring back the ice man jobs.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      His ad agency couldn’t find any stock footage of that, so he dropped it as an issue.

  • Treehopper1104

    This guy can’t be for real, right? I’m honestly not sure if I can tell anymore.

    • Ling Ling

      I cannot tell either. I have a chance to work in Indiana over the summer, but I am hesitating because of nonsense like this.

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        Depends on where in Indiana. Some parts aren’t too bad. Some are basically an extension of western Kentucky.

        • Ling Ling

          Columbus at Cummins Engines.

          • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

            Columbus is a decent enough small town. It might be insufferable right now because that’s where Pence was born.

          • Ling Ling

            Absolutely not know about the Pence part. Snicker.

        • Blanche de Shambles

          Didn’t they determine at some point that Fort Wayne was the dumbest city in America?

          • Ling Ling

            I not aware of this research, but as a native Okie I would like to challenge the decision.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I think it’s really time for whoever is running this simulation to pull the plug.

    • NotReallyHere

      I know. When I first read his “statement,” I thought it sounded like something out of The Onion.

    • puredog

      Poe wins.

  • arglebargle

    “career obsessed banshees who forgo home
    life and children and the happiness of family to become nail-biting
    manophobic hell-bent feminist she devils who shriek from the top of a
    thousand tall buildings…”

    Must tell wife she’s not the feminist she think she is. She just has a regular old job and we split the cooking. And cleaning. Bet that’d make Courtland’s head all splodey.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    If this guy isn’t a walking spousal abuse case, I’ll eat my shoe.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      If this guy isn’t a closeted self-loathing bondage fetishist, I’ll eat your shoe.

      Please let me eat your shoe.

    • puredog

      Don’t cry too hard for Chanel. From the Kansas City Star:

      The Star was unable to find much evidence of Sykes’ ties to Missouri
      apart from a business filing with the secretary of state’s office in
      February that lists him as the registered agent for a Springfield
      company called Daventry LLC. The P.O. box address for the business is
      the same as the one on his campaign website.

      At Harvard, Sykes met his
      fiancée, Chanel Rion, a pro-Trump artist. Sykes’ campaign website
      includes a section lauding her work.

      “Chanel has become widely known
      as the best political illustrator in the country for constitutional
      conservative and anti-leftist causes and as President Trump’s most
      talented and stalwart graphic warrior against leftism,” the website
      states.

      Rion’s professional website
      includes a cartoon promoting the baseless conspiracy theory that
      Democratic staffer Seth Rich was murdered by Hillary Clinton. Fox News
      currently faces a lawsuit from Rich’s family for a now retracted report
      on the case.

      Other cartoons show Clinton in
      prison garb, portray Muslims as a threat to the United States and depict
      former FBI Director James Comey, who Trump fired, as a snake. Another
      cartoon labels U.S. Sen. John McCain of Arizona, who survived years of
      torture during the Vietnam War, as a traitor because of his vote against
      a Trump-backed health care bill.

      “She wanted her illustrations to
      be a reflection of how she saw the other side,” Sykes said about his
      fiancée’s cartoons, noting that she gained popularity during the 2016
      election.

      But when pressed on the cartoons’ content, he replied, “I won’t speak for Chanel. These illustrations are 100 percent hers.”

      Read more here: http://www.kansascity.com/news/politics-government/article175724311.html#storylink=cpy

      • NastyBossetti

        He’s engaged to Ben Garrison?

    • Bright Bart

      If you do eat your shoe, simmering it in a crockpot for a few hours will make it mo’ tender.

  • ariel_gee_398

    It’s so weird how some men seem to think they only way they can have a happy relationship is by insisting on inequality for women. It’s almost like they think any woman exposed to a world of choice and opportunity would not choose to marry their sorry asses.

    • funny how this line of argument resembles the stupid zero sum game they were playing with gay marriage.

  • Eileen Besse

    His name is WHAT???!!!111

    • SDGeoff3

      Mmm-hmm.

    • Courtyard Executivesuites totally is his baptismal name.

    • Secret Society Unicorn

      Britney McMamasboy,

  • Nockular cavity

    “President Trump has the reins and he’s not letting go!”

    What? Excuse me? That sounds, uh…extra-constitutional.

    • Ling Ling

      Where is the bit? These details not so obvious.

      • SayItWithWookies

        His commercial, which gets pretty shouty, so turn the volume down for the second half.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    just go ahead and marry a damned crock pot.

    Wait? can we do that now? Because that seems like it might be something I want to do.

    carry on.

    • arglebargle

      Sure. Since gay marriage is okay you can marry your lawnmower. Remember?

      • Raan

        Just don’t ask your lawnmower for a blowjob.

        Learn from my mistake.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        I did not know that. I thought it brought me the right to have relations with livestock, but hot damn!

        • Gayer Than Thou

          You’re welcome.

    • Maria Sewell

      I mistakenly believed he was recommending marrying your crock pot as it will make your dinner…

    • jowgajen

      But, Crockie takes care of me! She cooks all day while I am at work.

    • Secret Society Unicorn

      Sure! Gay marriage means people can marry appliances and livestock!

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      This is a big no-no since Tuesday night’s episode of “This Is Us”.

      The parent company of Sunbeam (maker of the Crock Pot) has seen its stock prices absolutely tank since that show aired.

  • arglebargle

    I’m guessing he’s no relation to Wanda.

    • WiscoJoe

      Might be related to Charlie.

  • he looks like a mix of young Clint Eastwood and old Vlad Pootin’.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    He seems nice.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Who would deliberately give their child a porn name?

    Courtland Sykes in “Banging the Bacon”.

    • Raan

      Courtland Sykes as Randy Dufresne in The Shawskank Redemption?

  • borninatrailer

    Courtland.. that’s not a name for a man, that’s a name for an apple variety.

    • arglebargle

      or a cul-de-sac

      • borninatrailer

        However, it will make for some Airplane!-esque exchanges in his eventual divorce court proceedings.

      • Raan

        Or a gang in The Warriors.

      • Me not sure

        Or a very large Lincoln sedan

      • Nockular cavity

        A gated community of McMansions. Courtland Estates.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      And I would bet a paycheck that he wasn’t born with it.

      • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

        He looks like a Kevin to me.

    • Bright Bart

      Is it any wonder he married Chanel?

      • borninatrailer

        When he walks into the bathroom after she’s used it, I certainly hope he makes a “Oh God.. it smells like Chanel No. 2 in here” joke.

        Probably not because he’s an assbag.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    He needs a sandwich. A knuckle based one.

  • Nockular cavity

    Just for old times’ sake:

    Courtland loves his vegetables.

  • mailman27

    No Ms. Pennachia, you are not using the word “douchebag” lightly in the instance. In this instance “douchebag” is clearly the mot juste.

  • arglebargle

    peanut butter and jelly in the same jar…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lkkjdUXyQc

  • Jonny On Maui

    Just another R trapped in a non-fact based reality. Who’s surprised?

    I just want to know how much he’ll want for his daughters. I’m sure he’ll haggle for a good price.

  • Yellow_Dog_Dem

    If he wants a home cooked meal, perhaps he should scurry his ass into the kitchen and make it. STFU, already.

  • In the movie version of his life, he would be played by the late Ron Silver and would end up karate kicked off of the roof of the Capitol building by Jason Stathem.

    • Roadstergal

      I liked the one where Ron Silver got killed by the badass woman cop.

      • Lord Jim

        Blue Steel?

        • Roadstergal

          Yup. My second favorite Bigelow movie.

        • WIDTAP

          I’m thinking it was the Ron Silver movie where Dominic Turretto drove Tyrion Lannister through Silver’s courtroom.

    • AnneBonny

      In Ron Silver’s absence we could always go the Rob Huebel route.

  • Ms. MLG on Maui

    Being a Senator sounds far too complicated for a man who can’t even prepare a simple meal for himself.

    • Lord Jim

      It’s tough to concentrate when the snakes in your head hiss so loudly.

      • WIDTAP

        It’s either the snakes or the sound of the wind whistling through.

    • llamaspit

      I would imagine that he fears his balls shrinking when he dons an apron.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Fun fact: I’m a dude who does 95% of the family cooking, and have never worn an apron while doing so.

        Whenever my daughter and I set out to make some bread together, I ask her, “What’s the first rule of bread making?” She dutifully answers, “Wear all black clothing.”

  • Jeffery Campbell

    Between “Chanel – my fiance” and the squinty romance-novel-cover eyes, I found my gag reflex which I thought was long lost.

  • puredog

    Courtland Sykes knows all about the vagenda of manocide, AND HE’S MAD AS HELL AND NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

  • WIDTAP

    Not a good year to piss of the womenz. Chances are that they may turn out in higher than normal numbers this year.

    Timing is everything, Courtland, if that is your real name and not the hotel at which you are staying.

    • Christian O’Bummer

      Counting down to the walkback and “liberal snowflakes can’t take a joke”…

      • AnneBonny

        There’s some video on his Facebook page CALLED “Snowflakes.” I did not click.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Here’s to hoping Sykes makes Claire McCaskill’s job of getting re-elected as easy as Todd Akin did.

    • Which is why any good reporter should have followed up the question on Women’s rights with “Mmm.. good… now, if you don’t mind, tell us what you think of black people. No, no, this recorder is not on, so you can be completely honest.”

    • PubOption

      Repubs do have more conventional candidates standing. Josh Hawley (a teabagger / freedom caucus type) would be more of a threat to Mc Caskill.

  • ManchuCandidate

    With a name like Courtland, there is absolutely no way he’s not a complete douche.

    • One wonders if he’s related to Tucker and Buckley.

      • Mike Minden

        And Chad. Mustn’t forget Chad.

  • Christian O’Bummer

    I think this campaign going to end with a “The Dead Zone”-type situation

  • spangled

    COURTLAND SYKES?

    Now this is a parody of a white man, correct? No one is actually named that, and no one would write something like that. This is an elaborate Chappelle Show sketch right?

    • And his fiance is Chanel, no less.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        And the truth is that someone named Chanel only knows how to make one thing for dinner: reservations.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Hahaha! You think she can use a phone…

    • WIDTAP

      This is Eddie Murphy in make-up, yes?

      • spangled

        maybe it’s actually wanda sykes in makeup and the name is a clue.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I guess Whitey McWhiterson was taken?

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        He is hanging out with Jewy Jewisteen right now.

        • Roadstergal

          And handling Trump’s money, unlike Blacky McBlackFace.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Oddly, Haggis McHaggis doesn’t want to hang out with him.

          • Katamount

            I do year that Seamus O’Potatofamine is hard up for friends.

          • MynameisBlarney

            LOL

    • JohnBull

      I was thinking Dynasty. Except Dex Dexter sounded whiter.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    Steele, Max Steele.

    • 8th amendment frrolfe

      Max Power, Shirley?

  • Katamount

    Oh god, the 80s movie villains are manifesting in 2018 and running for public office! The apocalypse is here!

  • Dolmance

    I look forward to his future wifey feeding him his dick for dinner.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      You know it will happen.

      And he’ll blame it on feminists.

      • puredog

        He might not be wrong, and neither might they.

  • Mike Minden
    • Jeffery Campbell

      All hail Mr. Gumby!!!

  • JohnBull

    If it weren’t for radical feminists in years past, your daughters wouldn’t be able to have careers, degrees, workspaces, or anything mentioned in your fucking whiny letter.
    Fuck you and fuck the losers who will vote for you, and this being Missouri, it’s at least 89% of the state.

    • capnkrunch

      I think he would rather they didn’t have those things though.

      • JohnBull

        I think they want to go back to a time where women didn’t work. But they don’t want to go back to a time where men actually made enough to support a family.

  • janecita

    His girlfriend’s self-esteem doesn’t even register on a 1-10 scale.

  • Lord Jim

    Somebody needs to tell Jake Tapper that his bratty little brother got out of the basement again.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    This guy needs to learn how to make his own sammiches. Its a good thing wonkette is such great place that has recipes that are easy enough for even A IDIOT like him to follow.

    https://wonkette.com/614416/lets-make-sammiches-yes-the-boys-too

  • PubOption
    • Blanche de Shambles

      Well he sounds fun.

    • Katamount

      Why are Clinton and Warren the same character?

      • Secret Society Unicorn

        Liz Warren is Hillz in dragon-form.

        • Roadstergal

          That’s a bit of an awesome concept.

          • Secret Society Unicorn

            I know! Fucking kicks ass!

      • PubOption

        Two jaws of the same trap, ha ha ha. (Republican humor)

    • janecita

      The villains are the best part of every Disney movie.

    • Raan

      Also, partly related, if Maleficent asked, I would. 100%. Because God damn.

      In bed, clothes off, condom on, a minute at the outside.

    • spangled

      how dare these bitches wear colors that disney villains wore?!?

      • brucej

        Yeah, it’s not at all like blue and purple are popular colors for women to wear…

    • NastyBossetti

      I mean, if I wanted to, I could probably find them all in outfits in the same colors as Disney princesses, too. But that’s dumb, it doesn’t prove anything, and I have better things to do with my time, such as non-commenting on Wonkette.

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      Ursula = Leona Helmsley!
      LIBELZ!
      LIBELZ!
      LIBELZ!

  • jaspersdad
    • Roadstergal

      God fucking damn it, I want to go baaaack there… it’s so civilized!

      • jaspersdad

        Why would you leave in the first place?

        • Roadstergal

          Because it was a three-month assignment and I love my group here.

          Only the fact that my group here is so awesome keeps me torn on a daily basis about getting a job at our branch over there. Daily.

          • jaspersdad

            I used to work with someone from Switzerland, asked him the same question. “The only thing wrong with Switzerland is the Swiss” was his reply.

          • Roadstergal

            I’m kinda persnickety and formal in real life. :/

            Also, I got a haircut from a woman there in the context of German being a second language for both of us and the only language we had in common; it turned out to be just right. I was congratulating myself on my German skills, when a co-worker told me that my standard cut is the Swiss Woman Cut. :p

          • jaspersdad

            I envy Europeans where speaking several languages is common. This fellow spoke French and Spanish as well as English.

          • Fire and Fury Demme

            When I was tutoring ESL, I had a student from Switzerland.
            She was brilliant with languages, loved the casual life style of CA, and felt very “free” here.
            But her husband missed the formality of Swiss life, so they went back.
            (I’ll bet she comes back someday.)

  • HazooToo
  • OrG

    Good luck with that pal.

  • The Wanderer

    He seems . . . Like a total douche.

  • proudgrampa

    “Courtland Sykes.”

    I wouldn’t put that handle on a cup.

  • La forza del resistino

    Maybe the fiancee is a method actor just doing some immersive research for a part in Handmaid’s Tale season 3 and then GTFO.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Or a blow up doll in a knock-off Chanel suit.

    • janecita

      She is just a doormat.

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Get that accountant appointment scheduled yet?

        • janecita

          I haven’t yet, we still don’t have all out tax documents. I’ll let you know when I do.

          • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

            Sounds good, hope it ain’t too big a pain

          • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

            Honestly, I’m kinda hoping it takes you a second. They just put me on steroids and I don’t have any plans to hulk out but I’ve never taken them before.

    • puredog

      See my comment below (earlier) on The Real Chanel. They deserve each other perfectly.

  • SweetDeeKat

    He seems nice.

  • SayItWithWookies

    In his shouty-ass ad, Cordless goes on about our lousy schools, skyrocketing crime [sic] and nuclear terror — then says he’s 100% Team Assmouth. It’s nice to know he’s aware of all the fucking problems Assmouth promised to fix “so quickly” and hasn’t yet.

    • Lord Jim

      Lousy schools? Is he proposing to raise taxes to increase funding to public schools? Is he aware that violent crime has been on the decline for decades? What’s my real point here? Fuck if I know…

  • Blanche de Shambles
  • canes_pugnaces

    For the record, Courtland’s site is perhaps one of the most disturbing sites I have ever visited.

    https://sykesforsenate2018.com/courtland/

    An official position is killing anyone you suspect of a crime, because everyone should carry a gun. And if you have gun you should be able to kill someone, just because, say they’re black or won’t cook you dinner.

    And Road Rage should be adjudicated with guns. On and on. And he claims to have a Harvard degree, which he does not., He as an ALB from Harvard extension school, which in NOT, I repeat, NOT a Harvard degree.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Oh, so he’s also wholly unqualified and deranged? That’s catnip to Republican voters, he’s sure to win the primary.

      • canes_pugnaces

        That’s about it. OH, a sociopath who lies, excellent. Our guy.

        • ariel_gee_398

          He tells it like (he believes) it is! We love him!

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      He said he studied constitutional law under the Dean of the Harvard law school? I thought that made you an elitist?

      • Roadstergal

        Does he mean he took a Law for Dummies book to a floor roughly under the Dean’s office and read it there?

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          He sat in the bushes outside under the Dean’s window and read the book while complaining no one would make him sammiches.

      • canes_pugnaces

        I doesn’t mean anything. The Dean of HLS does not teach in the extension school, I assure you.

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          Oh I know, I just remember the GOP complaining about Bamz being an elitist who taught constitutional law.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      I went over there expecting shirtless pics. I was told there would be shirtless pics.

    • Nockular cavity

      So he’s ragey as a matter of policy, eh? Here’s a hint, “Courtland:” lay off the steroids.

    • NastyBossetti

      The more I read about him, the less he seems like a real person.

    • Shibusa

      Sounds like Ted Cruz’s web site before he joined the US Senate.

  • gnomemansanisland

    Would he be less or more douchey if he spelled it Cortlandt Sajks?

    • MynameisBlarney

      More.

    • Parakeetist

      Oh gross

    • Lord Jim

      A Norwegian! Trump says we need more of those.

  • Ms. MLG on Maui

    It’s funny how often men who have not, and never will, accomplish a fraction of the things Hillary Clinton has accomplished, tend to see her life as wreckage. It’s almost like they’re projecting or something.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    Well the Missouri GOP found someone worse then Todd “if its a legitimate rape the female body has a way to shut the whole thing down” Akin. Its like they are just trying to find the absolute worst people they can find.

    • JohnBull

      Or these could be the best candidates available. Is there any way to tell anymore?

  • ChumpsForTrump

    Sounds like he’ll have the bitter incel vote locked up!

    • Roadstergal

      We will rise! From our barcaloungers! And brush the Cheeto dust off of our laps!

  • goonemeritus

    My wife’s cooking skills were cruelly handicapped by being raised by WASPS. I love her anyway but that love doesn’t mean I consider tuna casserole, food.

    • gnomemansanisland

      I love tuna casserole!

      • goonemeritus

        EWWWW.

        • gnomemansanisland

          I know, I’m pretty much alone.

          • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

            Nope. My tuna casserole is fucking amazing.

          • proudgrampa

            I would love to try your tuna casserole.

          • Roadstergal

            That sounds like a euphemism.

          • proudgrampa

            Hmmmm.

          • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

            It involves lots of butter, bacon, and cheese.

          • proudgrampa

            Which completely obliterates the tuna.

            I approve.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Done right, it’s friggin awesome.

            But the breath afterward.

            Whoa…

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        Made well, it’s pretty good!

  • SweetDeeKat

    Also, if it takes a Wall’o’text to get your point across, maybe you aren’t parsing actual facts, hm?

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    I’m a strong believer in the idea that your name heavily shapes your personality.

    For instance, if you name your kid “Courtland,” they might just grow up to be the douchiest douche who ever douched.

    Also, if you name your daughter “Chanel,” she might end up marrying a guy named “Courtland”.

    • CripesAmighty

      We’ve gone from game shows to 80s soapers come to life.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Dynasty writers are all “Pfft! These so-called ‘fancy’ names sound totally fake!”

    • proudgrampa

      I think I see what you mean. If your name is “Trump,” you’re gonna be a fart.

  • MynameisBlarney

    He has the look of a man that faps to himself in front of a full length mirror.

    • proudgrampa

      What’s wrong with that?

      Asking for a friend.

  • Bright Bart

    Courtland Sykes is the only one who has ever skied the k12!

  • Paperless Tiger

    A lot of people have vague suspicions of women, and a lot of them are women.

  • jowgajen

    He apparently took his “make a manly face” cues from Vlad.

  • brucej

    What the *fuck* do they put into the water in Missouri?

    • Jonny On Maui

      Extra stupid sauce…

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Who knows? They don’t regulate that kind of stuff.

    • JohnBull

      Nitrates that come from fertilizer runoff from Iowa. GOP-controlled Iowa, where you can dump whatever in the ground without any nagging DNR officials stopping you.

    • Crystalclear12

      Southeast Missouri Lead District, or SEMO – This includes the Old Lead Belt and the currently active Viburnum Trend (New Lead Belt). There are four active lead mines in the Viburnum Trend and two active smelters, all owned and operated by the Doe Run Company.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Good lord I can smell the stench of his cheap cologne from here.

    • Major^3 Andre

      And now we know why Aqua Velva is still in business

    • puredog

      Axe Body Spray all the way down. Ew.

      • Mary Stone

        Are you sure it’s not Bod?

  • proudgrampa

    Isn’t this how “The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover” started?

  • gnomemansanisland

    Well, it’s your move Kentucky!

  • CripesAmighty

    Until the age of Dump, I would dismiss this entire enterprise as an extended Fox audition piece. Alas…

  • Crystalclear12

    The GOP candidates from Missouri have saved Claire McCaskill a fortune in campaign ads.

    • Jgb979

      Second only to Manchin, she’s probably the most endangered now that Missou is more northern Arkansas than anything…..

      This is why you still get out and vote for a meh democrat each and every day of the week

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        And she is a meh Democrat.
        (She’s been a disappointment time after time.)
        Didn’t she vote with Manchin for the #shithole shutdown?

  • Tetman Callis

    Courtland! Courtland Sykes! C’mere, good buddy. Lookit what found fer you.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaDWQqAFJac

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Courtland Sykes is not a real name outside of the rich, bully high school villain in an 80s movie.

  • La forza del resistino

    May a female oncologist operate on his prostate cancer in the future and forget the anesthesia.

    • Parakeetist

      Amin

    • brucej

      and be a rusty garden lopper instead of a scalpel, because the goddamned scalpel factory in Puerto Rico STILL DOESN’T HAVE POWER…

  • SomeBigRedDog

    He ALMOST said “nuclear” correctly.

    • gnomemansanisland

      Wow, he was close to losing Trump’s base.

  • Christopher Story

    In other news:
    Tammy Duckworth got blown up while fighting a war, then requested, and received a medical waiver to return to active service; mounted a successful senate bid from atop her shiny metal legs; and is now the first sitting senator to give birth during her term.

    I know I’d never demand she have dinner ready for me at six.

    • Lord Jim

      I’d be afraid of gettin a ass-whuppin.

      • Or that the attack helicopter coming in might just be her little demonstration of “I’m pissed off at you.”

      • Christopher Story

        With one of her shiny metal legs. She’s probably more athletic than I could ever be even with her prosthetics.

    • Jake Harper

      Hardly. I’d gladly make dinner for her, and have it on the table at 5:30. Amazing woman.

      • Christopher Story

        Amen! And I would be proud to be of service

    • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

      I hope she gives birth right there on the Senate floor and then keeps on working. Because she is THAT badass.

      • Jake Harper

        Well, if she does, we can finally say that something meaningful and worthwhile actually happened on the Senate floor!

      • Christopher Story

        While arguing for veterans bill, between contractions.

    • Shibusa

      6:30?

  • Mike Minden

    An overgrown frat boy with a bad case of Peter Pan syndrome. And that’s on his good days. When he skips his meds – watch out.

  • Boscoe

    This *has* to be some sort of viral campaign for a movie or something, right? NOBODY is born with the name “Courtland Sykes”, and just LOOK at that fabricated guy. Seriously. C’mon.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      The showrunners for this reality are just phoning it in now.

      • Boscoe

        …and they keep forgetting they’re supposed to kill off the assholes…

    • puredog

      He’s a Hahvahd boy, if that makes any difference to your opinion. (True fact.) I bet they’re proud of him up in Cambridge.

      • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

        He’s a Hahvahd EXTENSION boy. Which means he took night classes that are open to anyone without a high school diploma.

    • puredog

      In response to your query, I give you this article from an alt-newspaper in MO:
      https://www.riverfronttimes.com/newsblog/2017/10/09/seriously-is-this-courtland-sykes-guy-for-real

      • Boscoe

        Excellent link! Now I’m CONVINCED he’s #FAKENEWS…

  • Jgb979

    He looks like Americas douchiest bachelor contestant ever. Like a villain from a later season of dynasty where they were completely out of ideas and Alexis was just marrying sears catalog underwear models.

    Courtland. I e “one of the few names more Republican than Reince”

    You can still live that Norman Rockwell life if you choose assfuck! You just can’t force all women to do that anymore if they don’t want to!

    I hope all of his daughters are militant lesbians

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      He’s living the Ben Garrison life.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      He also apparently gets his shirts from the same store Alex Jones does. That top button, it’s so difficult!

  • SomeBigRedDog

    I hate that I live in a world in which this is not a parody.

  • Bub, Secret Society zombie

    I checked out his website. Hoo boy. He might be crazier than our old pal Craig R. Brittain.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      You gotta have some skill to be that deranged.

  • Katamount

    Turns out he couldn’t spell “Rembrandt Q. Einstein”, “Handsome B. Wonderful”, and “Hercules Rockefeller” correctly either.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/puEY4hd8L0kco/giphy.gif

    • Raan

      But what about his old girlfriends, Chesty LaRue and Busty St. Claire?

      • Katamount

        They changed their name to Hootie McBoob to avoid being stalked.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    His position on Education can best be described as vacuous hostility to an unnamed evil.

    • Christopher Story

      If womens start gettin all edumacated, there gonna wanna do other stuff, and then hows us men supposed to eat then!?! You radical fiminists are demanding us men compete with our food makers, you buncha preverts.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Did he conclude his statement with ,”Bitch betta have my money!”

  • mardam422

    WTF kind of parent names their child “Courtland”? FFS, he must have gotten beaten up a lot in grade school.

    • Someone who was pissed off that they had the kid in the first place?

    • MynameisBlarney

      I got a feeling he was the bully.

    • Shan

      By girls. That’s why he’s so mad at them now.

    • Gigglesnort

      Not enough. Needs moar beating. With votes, of course.

  • proudgrampa

    The crazies in Missouri must be the reason that my family moved after I was born.

    We moved to Kansas.

    Wait. What?

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      Yep, but my relatives kept going, and moved to California a la “Grapes of Wrath” during the dust bowl.

  • TimResistit

    Ya know. Maybe I am a Satanist?

    The Satanic Temple Just Used The Alt-Right’s Own Tactics Against Them

    The Satanic Temple is successfully claiming that the abortion laws in Missouri violates their religious freedom.

    http://www.guacamoley.com/the-scoop/2018/01/25/2ikLqp/satanic-temple-vs-alt-right

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Christianists NEVER learn from their mistakes.

      This is just one reason why they deserve no sympathy.

    • Dutchman
      • TimResistit

        They told me the devil would be charming but I never thought THAT charming.

        • Dutchman

          IK,R? That’s the WhosaGoodBoy of goats!

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        Poor goats.
        What a doll!

    • Mary Stone

      Everyone knows that abortion is a sacrament in the Satanic Temple :snerk:

      Wouldst thou live…deliciously?

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    It’s the Return of The Steely Eyed Rocket Man!

  • Katamount
    • Raan

      I thought that was Kushner.

      • Katamount

        Nah, Ivanka would kick Jared’s ass if he stepped out of line.

  • msanthropesmr

    OT – But I think the only reason that Trump went to Davos is because he was never invited when he was just a fake rich person.

    • OutOfOrbit

      that is the word on the street and he will get wedgies

      • Mary Stone

        And swirlies. After the toilet has been used, but before it’s been flushed.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You may be on to something there…he’s been seeking the approval of the actual upper class in this country for quite some time.

  • Mike Minden

    Is it wrong to hope he marries a nice farm girl who knows how to castrate pigs with her teeth?

    • proudgrampa

      Like RuPaul said last night, it’s all about the nuts.

  • proudgrampa

    Courtland.

    Isn’t that the Costco brand?

    • msanthropesmr

      Costco Libel.

    • Pat_Pending

      My husband’s international spy persona is, “Kirk. Kirk Land.”

      • proudgrampa

        Now THAT was funny!

        Cheers!

    • Squeegee

      I think it is the name of a park in the Bronx maybe his parents met there?

    • RickyG

      His parents were Craigmont and Lucerne

    • DrBigHead

      I thought it was a variety of apple.

      • proudgrampa

        Nah. That’s a Honeycrisp.

  • Michael R
    • TimResistit

      Who is getting the sawbuck here anyway?

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Hooray for the Doomsday Clock!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sXPmz9b4lM

  • Toomush Stability

    This might not be the right year to be a misogynist….

    • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

      Sykes clearly didn’t get the memo.

    • Mary Stone

      Let’s not interrupt him while he’s making this political career ending mistake.

  • Parakeetist

    Good grief

    This.

    I cannot.

    I studied English and Journalism, and words are failing me right now.

  • Pat_Pending

    He only WISHES he were Steven Segal…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    This guy is cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

  • (Nasty Girl) Brianna #RESIST

    Huh. He seems nice.

  • RickyG

    He recorded that voiceover in the abandoned Kmart, where he once sold leatherette wingtips. Sad.

  • Squeegee

    I don’t believe this is a real person if you look at the list of prior work experience in his TOTALLY PHONY linkedin.com profile….plus he claims to have an undergraduate degree from Harvard that I don’t think exists (I was a t.a. at Harvard while pursuing a graduate degree there)….and I don’t recognize most of the names of his past employees.

    The complete absence of a Wikipedia entry is telling too.

    Most importantly I refuse to believe anyone would name their son “COURTLAND”

    • proudgrampa

      I keep looking for the Onion link…

    • TootsStansbury

      He’s a bot or a troll or s trollbot. “Courtland Sykes” oh puhleeez.

      • Squeegee

        Yeah the Talosorian (sp?) business he references in his linked.com profile is a one page website he appears to have created himself

  • arensb

    (Donna Reed was also not Donna Reed IRL.)

    Surely you’re not suggesting that all those women whom we know for their TV roles had careers, like common TV stars!

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Courtland is a name for a prancercizer!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoRMUzljoAA

  • Ms. MLG on Maui

    Women shouldn’t get to define their own womanhood. That is a job for Courtland Doucheington Fratbro-Whitebread Sykes III.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Gloria Steinway is right!

  • goonemeritus

    Why is he and his fiancée sharing a domicile out of wedlock? This seems to be the kind of non traditional lifestyle that leads to birds falling out of the sky and cities flooding.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      He asked babby Jesus and its ok because he isnt a godless commie liberal.

    • ariel_gee_398

      “Look, baby, I swear I’m gonna marry you, you just need to move in first. I’ll STARVE if you don’t.”

  • 42nd Parllel

    My mom always said it was a real hassle being a feminist back in the 60s. You ride a elevator all the way to the top of some skyscraper, shriek for a few seconds, then you ride back down, go to the next building, rinse and repeat. They spent more time in elevators than anything else, but apparently they got shit done.

  • Michael R
  • onedollarjuana

    Dr. Laura and Phyllis Schlafly approve his message.

  • BigCSouthside

    Maybe I’m just willfully blind or biased, but why are these god awful cocksuckers ALWAYS republicans

    • codeslinger

      DNA

    • OrG

      Um….cocksucker libelz!

    • puredog

      Part of the brand. At least we can just hate them from jump street without having to spare any moments for embarassment.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Lance Thrustwell

    I expect dinner at 7:30 every night. So I make it.

    • James Baskin

      Here, here! And not a minute later, mind you.

    • Dutchman

      I am extremely fortunate that Ms. Dutchman has extraordinary culinary skills and loves to utilize them.

      But you better believe that I ensure that she NEVER has to wash a dish or clean anything in the kitchen.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Bootstraps!

  • therblig

    “Chanel has become widely known as the best political illustrator in the country for constitutional conservative and anti-leftist causes and as President Trump’s most stalwart graphic warrior against leftism.”

    does Ben Garrison know about this?

    • NastyBossetti

      I just assumed Ben Garrison was her nom de plume, because she knows ladies shouldn’t be working and definitely shouldn’t have thoughts and opinions about political things.

    • Dutchman

      That would assume self awareness on Ben Garrison’s part, something not previously on exhibit.

    • Opiwan

      OK, I completely lost it at “stalwart graphic warrior”

      This HAS to be satire, yes? No?

      • Mary Stone

        Unfortunately no. However, I do agree that she is making stalwart war against graphic arts.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    So what he’s saying is he’s a useless POS who can’t cook.

  • PlutoAnimus

    Mr. Sykes?

    Could you please talk about rape?

    • msanthropesmr

      Uh – I don’t think you want to poke that sleeping dog. A rage stroke might ensue.

      • Nockular cavity

        Shhhh! No, this’ll be good!

  • James Baskin

    Methinks maybe Courtland has been watching him some infowars. Ehhh Courtland?

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Granted I can only see his face, neck and tiny amount of his chest, but this man appears to be completely hairless. I can only assume he also has a vague lump instead of a penis, just like a ken doll.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Somebody should thank Chanel for taking one for the team.

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      Her episode of Snapped should be pretty interesting.

    • puredog

      Oh, she’s a true believer. Political cartoonist. Kind of like Ben Garrison without the artistic skill or wit.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Ah. She deserves him.

  • Baconzgood

    “…sleazy finance bro our heroine meets at the beginning whom she inexplicably finds charming, and who later becomes super obsessed with her and murders her quirky suspicious friend with peanuts (suspicious friends all have peanut allergies and are quirky, it’s a Lifetime rule) and then attempts to trap her in his basement lair with the last five other women who tried to leave him, all of whom are now corpses in bridal gowns, and force her to love him.”

    Executive Producer Baconz: I love it have it on my desk, UNDER BUDGET, in 6 weeks.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This guy is tying himself to Trump. Interesting strategy.

    It’s more interesting because the beginning of his commercial decries “debt,” “wars” and “nuclear terror”–all of which Trump is making worse. And he didn’t get the memo that Trump supporters now think nuclear war ain’t so bad?

    • puredog

      Perhaps he knows his MO constituency.

      • Boscoe

        …because when he lived in Arkansas he could see MO from his house? ;P

        • Mary Stone

          Yeah, there’s that too. He’s a carpetbagger. Which always goes over well in red states.

    • AuntyMaude

      And high taxes? I thought the GOPhers just fixed that. Try to keep up, Courty.

  • TootsStansbury

    Wonkette giveth us Dreamy McJustice on the previous post and then the bestow this caricature of an exaggeration of a ginormous goddamn douchebros on this one. Talk about good cop / totally sadistic torture master.

  • Squeegee

    Much like our lord and savior Jesus Christ there is no evidence of Courtland Sykes’ life on the internet between his birth and his early thirties.

    He has clearly emerged on the scene just like Jesus to save us from ourselves.

    PRAISE GOD ALMIGHT FOR SENDING US THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST IN THE FORM OF A DOUCHEBAG BRO NAMED AFTER A PARK IN THE BRONX

    • Boscoe

      Great. Now you’ve just started a thing. I fully expect to see “Sykeos” lighting themselves on fire in His divine presence just so the world can see him heal them on live television…

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I want to believe that the entire thing is parody, but parodies are usually created with better spelling.

      • Squeegee

        Anyone can create a linkedin profile and they don’t verify anything.
        But only Wikipedia can create a Wikipedia entry.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Oh? I thought Wilip did let anyone create a profile page but that it could be pretty easily deleted.

  • codeslinger

    so, we’re assuming chanel is not a sex-bot?

    • I’d guess that she’s a smoking hot Canadian.

      • James Baskin

        Ouuuuu… that sexy pasty look.

      • MynameisBlarney

        That we wouldn’t know?

      • puredog

        “My girlfriend? You wouldn’t know her. She’s from, uh, Canada.”

      • Opiwan

        Named Lennay Kekua

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Apparently she’s real and hasn’t thought to kill him yet.

  • Downpup E

    Chanel is one of the worst political cartoonists I’ve ever run across – for so many reasons https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/541f3151f3ea4d9b53633ad9c8d6cf498044038fb6b0832a98b88c2d7e2af9b0.png
    http://www.chanelrion.com/

    • MynameisBlarney

      Good goawd, that is just fuckin awful on every level.
      LOL.
      She probably got drummed out of those shit-ass “art schools” that advertise on the teevee.

    • Sean Jungian

      Wow.

    • Boscoe

      …for ALL the reasons apparently. I hope she doesn’t actually get paid to do that.

    • Lurkylu,of theChicagoLurkylus

      some people take art school rejection letters very badly

      • Raan

        Especially Austrians with inferiority complexes.

      • Mary Stone

        11 million people who died in Europe between the years 1939 and 1945 can attest to that.

    • puredog

      That website. She seems nice. She might want to edit out that Bannon fella, though.

    • spangled

      wait…you’re telling me this bitch has a job?

      what about dinner? what about courtland’s sammiches? she’s a feminist she-devil banshee!

      • NastyBossetti

        He’s ok with it if it’s a “home-based” enterprise. Surely, she can draw her little doodles at home between cooking his meals and doing his laundry?

        • spangled

          “home based” enterprise = having pampered chef or mary kay parties. she’s on thin ice!

    • therblig
      • Mary Stone

        How much you want to bet that Garrison’s awful scribble predates Rion’s awful scribble?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      She’s half-Korean and thinks that North Korea is a socialist country that exemplifies all that is wrong with socialism. So bless her little heart, she just ain’t that bright.

      • therblig

        “First, we moved to South Korea, a few miles from the DMZ, where I began the first of the many years it took to learn to speak my mother’s native Korean. There, I could look out across the fences into and across the DMZ, past soldiers and guns, at the worse enslavement and torture of human beings on God’s earth at this insanity of the total socialist state–at what was the home of a then 14-year-old boy named Kim Jung Un, who was playing somewhere inside this prison camp country; who would soon grow into a madman who would one day die in there when he tried to blow up America and the world, killing millions, including my Korean loved ones in Seoul, just 30 miles from the DMZ. But I didn’t know then. It would have been a lot for a child with already much to think about–to think about.”

        ​deep, man.

        • puredog

          I dunno. I was taken in at first, but I’m coming around to the idea that this is just performance art.

  • Squeegee

    I wonder if he is any relation to Wanda Sykes maybe that is his mom

    • msgypsy

      Why you hating on Wanda Sykes? Any boy she raised would be smarter than this!

    • Downpup E

      According to Bryan Sykes, all Sykes are descended from a Yorkshire pig farmer who lived in the 11th century.

  • C4TWOMAN

    I love making dinner: roast beast, garlic mash, gravy and drippings(on account I never could manage pudding), salad from the garden, full of herbs and spices and flowers and wild greens, tossed in olive oil and balsamic vinegar….

    Know what I love best about it?
    Eating it all myself.

    • Toomush Stability

      God, I wish I felt like that. Everytime I have to eat alone, I mostly forego it…

      • C4TWOMAN

        Obviously I’m happy to share with a friend, but I never understood people who cook and want to give it all away. Though I have benefited from this dynamic…
        There is a pragmatic side: I like good food and as I can’t afford to est out all the time, best I sort it out on my own.

        • MynameisBlarney

          I can’t seem to be able to justify cooking just enough for one person.
          I make big batches, when I can actually be bothered to cook, so I’ll have meals for days after.

          • TimResistit

            Living alone sucks for that reason. (but otherwise I love living alone).

          • weighmaster

            I always make enough dinner that we can both take leftovers to work for lunch the next day.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Exactly.

          • Toomush Stability

            Me, too. It seems like such a bother putting together a big meal, knowing that I won’t appreciate myself and only fork it in while I do the crossword puzzle. I do like cooking for Mrs. Toomush…

          • C4TWOMAN

            Dude, it lasts for days…. that you don’t have to cook!

        • valgalky23

          I cooked & baked today and gave most of it away. Homemade Veg Beef Soup in crock pot and oatmeal raisin cookies from scratch. Tree guys have been working their asses off for two days in the cold doing some serious tree work for me and my neighbor so I made them a hot lunch today.

          • C4TWOMAN

            That’s more than a fair trade!

        • “M”

          I heartily endorse your pragmatism, madame. That cooking stuff takes money, time, and energy, and we all have stuff to do.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Cooking just for myself tends to depress me. Which sucks, because I’m a damn good cook.

    • Wild greens, eh? Dandelion? Lambs quarters? I’m partial to purslane myself.

      • DrBigHead

        Many years ago I was out doing yard work and MsBigHead caught me pulling up a bunch of weeds that had infested a portion of the garden. She calmly said, “That’s purslane. You do know that is edible and some people pay a lot of money for it”. Won’t make that mistake again.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          When I was a kid I accidentally pulled up all the basil my mom had planted in the garden. To this day she thinks I did it on purpose because I didn’t like pesto sauce.

          • Vienna Woods

            Both my sons have adored pesto from about the age of two. I’ve always had to grow enough basil to freeze vast quantities for the winter months. The who’s out west wanted me to mail him some.

          • Boojum

            My brother deliberately put arsenic in the pickled beets when he was three, because he didn’t like beets. He warned everyone before they ate any.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Yep, fathen(lambsquarters), purslane, primrose, lovage, among others. Dandelion never worked f me. I had roots roasted with butter, but the greens are always too bitter, no matter how young. I blame the soil. Sowthistle is a good sub, but keep it from brassicas…it really attracts aphids.

        • VirginiaHighFiber

          I think you’re supposed to dig up the still yellow unborn leaf cluster. Kinda like blanched endive. I’ve never tried them, but they’re supposed to be really good.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Meg, sounds like too much work unless that’s all one has. In pinch even my woad is more tasty… though obviously I’d prefer to keep it for dyeing.

          • VirginiaHighFiber

            Did not know woad was edible. Did not know it was a brassica. I now have 2 choices. Either A. PICTISH COLESLAW LIBELZ!!, or B. Reading Wonkette will learn you things! Thank you for the neat new plant fact!

          • C4TWOMAN

            I love Pictish coleslaw libelez!
            Be warned, while yes it is edible, like snowberry, mallow and other plan, it’s not particularly tasty. Really better to save it for dyeing.
            🐱

        • OneYieldRegular

          Borage – my new favorite edible thing, both the young leaves for pesto/ravioli and the uncanny blue edible flowers for salads. But go really easy with it, especially if you have liver problems as it can kill your liver. It’s like the fugu of the plant world.

          • C4TWOMAN

            You’ll also want to mind the raw leaves if you have allergies. The flowers are great in salads and iced tea.

    • Jake Harper

      My kinda woman. Enjoy those glorious dinners! Personally, I enjoy cooking for a certain man–but seeing as he’s my GAY HUSBAND ol’ El Doucho captioned above would probably never approve…

    • msanthropesmr

      I like opening a can of Chef Boyardee over the sink.

      • Raan

        A sink! Elitist!

        • DrBigHead

          I’ll bet he uses a fork, too!

          • Petra

            Gℴogle giving me 97 dollars/h to do easy tasks on the internet .. Work Some only few hours and stay more time together with your own relatives … Any person can also join this possibility…on Sunday I purchased a top of the range McLaren F1 after I been earnin $21683 this past month .it is truly the best work but you could no longer forgive yourself if you do not view it.!ix673i:=>=>=> http://GoogleInternetSunEasyTechJobsOpportunities/easy/jobs ♥♥♥b♥♥♥a♥g♥♥z♥o♥o♥♥♥x♥♥♥l♥i♥♥♥n♥♥♥n♥♥♥r♥g♥♥q♥c♥♥a♥♥♥u♥♥b♥♥♥y♥♥♥n♥♥♥e♥s♥♥n♥♥♥s♥♥y:::::!ox14r:lhuhuh

          • Duncan Tweedy

            A fork would have been a luxury. We had to eat with our fingers.

            –Oh how we used to dream about eating with our fingers! Our dad poured the Chef Boyardee onto the floor and we had to lick it off.

            —-We didn’t even have a floor! Our dad would toss the Chef Boyardee at us out of a moving car and if you didn’t catch any in your mouth you went hungry.

          • DrBigHead

            We used to wear a potato on our belts, which was the fashion then.

        • OneYieldRegular

          Chef Boyardee?! Fancypants. What, are Hobo Beans not good enough fer ya?

        • Naytch

          Next he’s gonna tell us he washed his hands cuz some “germ theory” libturd nonsense!

    • OutOfOrbit

      First glance: “I make love dinner”

      • Raan

        That could go in a couple different ways.

      • C4TWOMAN

        The human brain is a scary thing….

        • OutOfOrbit

          a liddle bit of dyslexia here, sometimes funnier than being right

      • aureolaborealis

        MAKE LOVE, NOT DINNER!

      • puredog

        “I SAVE BREAD!”

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      C’mon, that sounds much too delicious not to share.

      Taker :p

    • Teecha

      I make a full on roast with 12 Yorkshires and really enjoy it. Sometimes I invite friends, sometimes I don’t. But I really love portioning it up and freezing individual meals. After a hard day at the chalk face, I can come home and all I need to do is make some gravy to go with my home-cooked ready meal of joy.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Would you mind sharing your pudding technique? Except for Christmas pudding, savory puddings have confounded me. Last tint I tried a Yorkie ended up with a charred mess…

        • Teecha

          I do not mind. This is a mommy recipe blog after all. Also, Christmas pudding is sweet, so I’m not sure what you made… mincemeat for mince pies maybe?
          4oz/125g plain flour (all purpose in the US)
          1 egg
          1/2 pint (275ml) full fat milk (I don’t know if uk/us pints are the same. You’d need to check
          Lard/ oil for cooking.

          Whisk the ingredients together until very thick and bubbly.

          I make this at least 6 hours before I’m cooking it and keep in the fridge. Before cooking, whisk again to make sure it’s not separated.

          When you cook your roast, put a 12hole bun/muffin tin in the oven.
          Each hole needs a good dollop of lard (I can’t get it here, so I use about a centimetre of veg oil in the bottom of each hole).
          You want to get the fat smoking hot, so when you take the meat out, turn the oven right up. (my mum used to heat the tin in the oven and then put it on the hob to keep it hot. I don’t do that.)

          Once you’ve got the oil smoking, you need to work quick. Pour the batter quickly into each hole, don’t worry about splashing it on the tin, that gives you crunchy bits later. It will start bubbling up instantly. Get it back in the oven ASAP. I just pull out the oven tray so as soon as I’m done I can wang it back in.

          Cook for 20mins in a very hot oven.
          Take out and put into a kitchen paper lined dish to catch the fat.

          Eat with all the gravy. Bisto is best.

          Mine are not massive puffy topped fuckers- if you want those, use Jamie Oliver’s recipe. I don’t like mine to look like a muffin or be excessively crunchy. It should make a little bowl, perfect as a gravy delivery system.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Thanks!
            And to clarify Christmas pudding is the only pudding that I’ve tried with success. I’m not that confused…yet.🐱
            You must have missed last year’s pics. Dunno if they’re still on the phone….

          • Teecha

            Oh, ok. I got confused coz you said savoury and then xmas pud. Hope your yorkshires turn out alright next time.
            I’ve never made xmas pudding. Too much of a faff and there are such nice ones in the shops.

  • Sykes (R): Reddit

  • Vel Venturi

    I kind of enjoy seeing rants by these assholes because they always provide some great catch phrases, band names and useful aliases. Manophobic hell-bent feminist she-devil is all I can hope to be in life.

    Aside from that, this fuckstick and his douchey open shirt are cracking me up. He clearly thinks he’s being photographed for a cheesy romance novel cover.

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      The cover would be better if he was locked in a passionate embrace with his crockpot lover, whose bodice is one second from ripping open…

      • Raan

        Wait.

        Just a Crock-Pot in a bodice, or a woman in a bodice with a Crock-Pot head?

        • Ms. MLG on Maui

          Just a Crockpot in a bodice. We can’t let him near an actual woman!

      • Vel Venturi

        Crockpot? Maaaaaybe. InstantPot, now that’s the new sexxxy.

  • codeslinger
  • A Bashful Nobody

    It makes me a sammich or it gets the hose…………..

  • AuntyMaude

    So takeout is never on the table so to speak? Yikes!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Looks like we found that special someone that loves himself more than Kanye loves Kanye.

  • Baconzgood
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Red Bird

    I’ll bet money this guy was dumped by the woman who got promoted to the job he wanted. Either that or he’s never had a long lasting relationship.

    • Sally

      I hope he can’t have kids.

  • chicken thief

    I wanna see a debate between Courtland Sykes and Wanda Sykes.

    • SKruetheratbassedarDs

      Or maybe just Dickens’ character Bill by the same surname? Just sayin’

    • MynameisBlarney

      She would probably hurt the dumb bastard.

    • Boscoe

      THUNDERDOME.

  • tangofoxtrot
    • tangofoxtrot

      I’m going with “performance art”.

      • Boscoe

        Me too. This has “Borat” written all over it…

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    manophobic hell-bent feminist she devils who shriek

    That’s a bit long for a band name, but thanks for the suggestion!

    • AuntyMaude

      It might work in place of the McDonald’s Big(ly) Mac jingle though.

      • ImGoingBacon

        Barry Manilow on line 1

        https://youtu.be/8ziLFzWusw

        • AuntyMaude

          Oops, didn’t load. :(

          • ImGoingBacon

            try it now

          • AuntyMaude

            hahaha Misunderstood sody pop. Thanks for re-upping the link.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Manophobic She Devils just dropped this years hottest album!
      Shrieking Hell-Bent Feminist!

      • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

        L-7 Libelz!1!1111!!

        • MynameisBlarney

          They were such a great band.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Missouri loves misogyny

    • NastyBossetti

      But who doesn’t, really?

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      It’s a staple in the Red State.

  • Baconzgood

    A nail-biting manophobic hell-bent feminist she devil who shrieks like a banshee is my pet name for Shan.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    This is a joke, right? The fake-ass sounding names, that manly-man blue steel photo, that derpy manifesto?
    Also too- “But Chanel knows that my obedience comes with a small price that she loves to pay anyway”. Listen you two, keep your kinks to yourselves. Any decent kinkster knows that it is imperative to respect boundaries, and drawing the general public into your role playing or whatever the fuck you think you’re doing is being a shitty kinkster. Sheesh.
    Go away. Kthxbye. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c93a548ac610695a116523c00d43703cd73b5871ab6562b1b90bc63b37bf06f2.gif

    • Fifty Shades of MAGA.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Oh mah god, they finally found a WORSE love story than Twilight.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Worst soft-core for ever.

    • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

      He would insist that any woman lucky enough to date him would be named “Chanel.”

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      upvote for reminding them of their manners.

  • Lordpnut

    I suspect that Courtland Sykes may have inspected a little porcelain as a youngster.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      Swirly Libelz!1!1!1

  • Marla

    Hey Sykes, Ralph Lauren from 1992 called. He would like to have his wardrobe back.

  • AuntyMaude

    “marry a crockpot.” Good one

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

    “Say, isn’t that Boeuf Lockjaw from that one movie we were forced to watch, ‘Killer Morons from Moon Base Six?'” – Crow T. Robot

  • nightmoth

    Has anybody told Courtland yet that his picture looks really ghey?

    • James Baskin

      Yes you should tell him!

      • nightmoth

        I’m surprised “fiancee who’s named after a perfume” hasn’t.

        • James Baskin

          I’ve always wished my parents had named me Mennen.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Great, now “Byyy Mennen” is gonna be stuck in my head.

          • James Baskin

            arrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!

          • nightmoth

            lol—I love it!

          • ImGoingBacon

            …and that’s my son, Old Spice.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Iz kinda oddvious , iznit?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      If they want to create a ‘World’s Least Interesting Man’ ad campaign, he is most definitely their man.

  • Martini A, very stable genius

    At least in the end of the Lifetime movie, Channel or Courtney or whoever gets to escape from her abusive relationship. Often there are burning beds. But I’ll take with votes in the real world.

  • DainBramage

    OK, normally looking at comments on YouTube is a huge, blood pressure heightening mistake. But the vast majority of commenters to Mr. Dumbshit’s video are amused by its inanity.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Courtland Sykes wants this … Courtland Sykes wants that … What Courtland Sykes wants women to do and be is irrelevant. Women, just like men, have the right to decide, individually, what THEY want to be and what THEY want to do.

    Courtland Sykes has the right to say “I want to marry a woman like THIS” and then go out and try to find one, but he has absolutely no right whatsoever to tell any other woman that they have to be the kind of woman that Courtland Sykes wants, and that includes his daughters.

    Courtland Sykes is a fucking narcissist.

    Courtland Sykes sounds just like one of my friend’s older brothers … the fundamentalist Christian guy who has been married and divorced 4 times because women just can’t understand that god said he is THE BOSS.

    • chicken thief

      The repetition of his name reminded me of Kirby DeLauter and how Kirby DeLauter did not want his name, Kirby DeLauter, repeated in public.

      Whatever happened to Kirby DeLauter?

  • T30024

    Holy fucking shit is this real? I mean come on, this person can’t be real… I just wonder who is making his campaign videos, The Asylum?

    • Marla

      What? Angry, middle-aged, racist, privileged white males not running for Senate? It’s more than real. Unfortunately

  • Dante Ardenz

    ” Oooo cool me goin be Senator “, NOT !

  • Pilotshark

    “Behold, his campaign ad, replete with atomic bombs and somehow not a disappointing Saturday Night Live parody:”

    good to see that atomic bomb thing, as just this morning the dooms day clock advance 30 seconds to 2 minutes to midnight.

  • Notreelyhelping

    “And THAT’s why I RESERVE my right to call a Bitch a BITCH when she deserves it. And I’ll be the one who SAYS whether or not she—“

    “Cortland!”

    “Uh…hang on a second. WHAT?”

    “Get your ass in here and quit screaming at the goddamn traffic.”

    (Pause.)

    “Uh…okay. SO. Let me conclude by saying—“

    “NOW!”

    “Bye. Gotta go.”

    “Fucking freak. Christ. I should have married the photographer.”

  • SeeTrainWrecked

    Dear Courtland:

    Do all women a favor. Hire a chef.

    And buy a Fleshlight.

    • Boscoe

      Pfft. Fleshlights are SO 2005. Modern Onanism Connoisseurs are operating on another level, maaaan. (Yes, that is a doll)
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bd5ad923f54a85e979cf21b13b4d9e9d7fd1ab854418b5faecc35bbe3e7cf243.jpg

      • SeeTrainWrecked

        Sex dolls are so 2013. Even more modern Onanism connoisseurs are getting more creative with their skin-crawling fetishes.

        Not safe for work, home, garage or camper. In fact, it’s not safe for human consumption IMHO.

        https://youtu.be/0CNLEfmx6Rk

        • Mary Stone

          If I’m hoping that one of these Bots gnaws the peen off it’s “owner,” does that make me a bad person?

          • SeeTrainWrecked

            Depends on the owner.

            If he’s a rat bastard, then no.
            If he’s a good guy, … still no.

  • Donna Reed had three husbands and won her Oscar for playing a prostitute. Started as a Republican and ended up voting for Eugene McCarthy as an anti-war activist. Things just aren’t always what they seem.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Ppl change

    • therblig

      i believe she also wrote back to every soldier who sent her a letter during ww2.

  • VirginiaHighFiber

    The important question is who is the woman who’s running against him? Where’s her funding site?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Claire McCaskill and act blue.

  • Swampay

    The voice of Courtland Sykes liberal gay lawyer daughter from the future: “Oh dad.”

  • MynameisBlarney

    Either this is a new level of trolling from the likes of O’Queefe, or this guy is for real.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Oh Christ, another “we wish it was a parody” case. Of course he’s named Courtland and his fiancee is Chanel. We know it’s not an Onion piece only because his name isn’t followed by III.

  • Nasty Woman Persisted
  • Carpe Vagenda

    some Stanley Kowalski cafone

    <3

  • Pisto75666
  • chicken thief

    Looks like Courtland is all dressed up to go out with Matthew McConaughey in a Lincoln commercial.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Voted most likely to be beaten into unconsciousness by sensible flats.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Shit, I’d gladly bust out the 4-inch heels. Make things interesting. (With votes)

      • Mary Stone

        And Christian Louboutin helpfully makes shoes with really spiky heels, and soles that are already brilliant red.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    The GOP – we don’t actively invite racists and misogynists into our party anymore, we just don’t kick them out when they show up.

  • therblig
    • BreakingDeadMen

      That is some of the best satire on the planet.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Jesus, that is exactly like the anti-suffrage agitprop of yore.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        It’s the cartoonist for the Onion, that guy is so dead on.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Except the artwork is lazier.

    • James Baskin

      Nice wheels dude.

    • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

      I mean – men are supposed to run the world but can’t figure out how to go to a grocery store, wash some laundry and stick food in a kid’s mouth.

      Mmmmmkay

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      Dafuq? Guy can’t go to store or order from Instacart or Grubhub? Can’t dress himself? Is he mentally challenged (I almost said the “r” word there)?

    • cmd resistor

      Very similar to ads when women were trying to get the vote.

    • BreakingDeadMen
  • He’s going to tell McCaskill to bake him a pie during the debate and she’s going to rip him a new sykeshole.

    • AuntyMaude

      A humble pie would be nice but Courtsie will never eat it.

  • msgypsy

    Hold up here a moment. Dude lives with his fiance? Because that implies pre-marital shenanigans and that’s UNAmurcan! Did he get the same mulligan El Cheeto got from the allegedly Christian reich, I mean, right?

  • brdaykin

    C’mon guys! Give Hard Right Mulder a chance! He can even pretend to give a speech!

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    This can’t be real, though.

  • ronbo

    Does this sile ban comments from people who did not support Hillary, the neolib?

    • The Flaming Carrot

      No. But the sile does not allow comments, as you can see.

      • ronbo

        Are men allowed to object to neolibs?

        • puredog

          Only real men, ronbo.

          • ronbo

            Are real men only sexual perverts?

          • puredog

            Putting aside the mis-spelling, you may need a refresher course on the placement of “only” in a sentence.

          • ronbo

            Please spank me for not being perfect, Mrs. Nelson. I deserve it, as I am only a stupid man.

          • puredog

            Boring troll is boring. Flagged and blocked.

          • ronbo

            Troll? I’m making a point. Real men can object to neolibs… as can real women.

            We all are not followers of the neolib lifestyle of endless war, trickle-down and Reaganomics.

          • Skeptical_thinker

            We all are not followers of the Trump lifestyle of endless war, trickle-down and Reaganomics.

            IFYPFY

          • ronbo

            Thank you for understanding. IFYPFY

            Neolibs come in both orange and DINO.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yeah. I blocked him too.

          • ronbo

            And chocked me. Don’t forget the chocking. Chocking peace for prosperity is the how we achieve the neolib dream of Reaganomics. Right?

          • ronbo

            Thank you for understanding my learning disorder. I thought neolib wars were just as bad as neocon wars.

            Those dead, should cheer the neolibs for releasing them. Boo neocons!

          • OutOfOrbit

            I can get behind that

          • ronbo

            Stop the sexual attacks. I sit on top.
            edit
            And cry.

        • Kooolest G

          as long as they make damn sure dinner is ready when I get home they are

          • ronbo

            Oh, it will be hot as usual. But again, can I object to corruption and endless war, if dinner is hot and ready? The last time a woman cooked for me was 1973, sorry if that offends you.

          • puredog

            If you voted for Trump, you may not object to corruption.

          • ronbo

            Voting tRump is like voting neolib… it is just more war and business as usual.

          • Kooolest G

            fine but do we have to have borscht again?

          • ronbo

            Kansas IS famous for borscht. So smart and so neolib.

    • Mike Minden

      The (Russian) bots are back in town!

    • MynameisBlarney

      Oh for fucks sake.

      • ronbo

        Potty mouth!

        • MynameisBlarney

          And?

          • ronbo

            Civil society objects to potty mouth as much as endless war. Are we there yet?

          • MynameisBlarney

            Fuck off, Ivan.

          • ronbo

            Ivan was my brother. He died in the neolib wars. How mean!

          • Michael Ryan

            Oh please fuk off faster, please.

          • ronbo

            Choke me harder babe.

  • Plus one thousand for using ‘cafone’ in the original post.

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    There’s something missing so far in the comments that I’ve seen. The relationship of income inequality to this topic.

    Let’s recognize the old-fashioned misogyny but set that aside for a moment. Let’s pretend that he didn’t explicitly say it’s the “wives” and “daughters” that should be making dinner. Just for argument’s sake, imagine, if you will, that he’d be equally pleased if a career woman came home at 6 to a home cooked dinner prepared by her house husband.

    If he’s really in favor of such a thing, then his top priority should be getting wages up to a level where one person could afford to support a live at home spouse. I checked his web page and apparently this isn’t on his list of positions. Surprise! And now I need a shower.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      That’s because the right wing stance is that all women should drop out of the workforce’s, creating a labor shortage that would boost wages for the men.

      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        Oh of course, I forgot about the labor-is-a-zero-sum-game conservative axiom.

      • Mike Minden

        Until they outlaw birth control and abortion and over-population drives them down again.

  • Kooolest G

    was just reading chanel’s bio at http://www.chanelrion.com. Apparently her father was so upset that bill clinton beat bob dole that he decided to move the family to the border between the koreas to see how horrible socialism is, then they moved to france where they lived in a centuries old grain mill in a hippie commune. no wonder she’s crazy enough to make sandwiches for this idiot, she comes from a long line of crazy.

    • MynameisBlarney

      That…doesn’t sound real.

      I think we’re being trolled.

    • miss_grundy

      Except she can make those sandwiches in French, which makes her very continental.

      • chicken thief

        Hell, I can make a French sammich – it’s a hard roll slathered in chocolate, right?

        • The Flaming Carrot

          I thought it was a pound of melted brie slathered on a gigantic baguette.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          pain au chocolat, aka chocolate croissant my favorite.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      They moved to a hippie commune in France because Dole didn’t win? Wouldn’t that be sort of like cutting off your nose to spite your face?

      I think we’re being trolled, too.

    • jodyleek

      Uh yeah, her “illustrations” are, something. She’s cooking and mainlining the crazy herself, obviously.

    • Tovarish Z

      She was also home schooled until college. A great way to concentrate the crazy.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Uh, South Korea ain’t a socialist country?

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    And when you make your own sandwich, I bet you can guess what we think you should put in it.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Treet?

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        Almost rhymes

        • MynameisBlarney

          Similar ingredients too.

    • Mike Minden

      Blood pudding made with genuine feminist menstrual blood?

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      In Pennsylvania Dutch country, they call it “scrapple”.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Dude is handsomer, more intelligent, but every bit as narcissistic as Trump. Trump goes for that look, too, but where this guy looks like a dangerous asshole, Trump only achieves “confused angry old grump”.

    • cmd resistor

      Funny, one of the old Trump interview clips I’ve seen where he could actually make a complete sentence, he’s talking about how he expects to come home to dinner on the table every night.

      • just_jim

        Well that’s fair. If you’re a “billionaire” you can afford to hire a cook that will accept that as part of the job duties.

  • miss_grundy

    I wonder if he is really auditioning for his own reality show because that poster kind of screams it.

  • “I’m Courtland Sykes, and I approve this pot roast!”

  • NVDan

    Interesting thing about the ad, when he says “America is rising up”, he follows it with “and it starts right here” with a shot looking across the Mississippi towards Illinois.

    • Marla

      Fuck him. His entire rhetoric is so 2014

      • The Flaming Carrot

        Gamergate participant, probably.

    • Mary Stone

      Tryhard Neckbeardless is tryhard.

  • James Baskin

    As a man who does the cooking in our family, I find this missive terribly threatening.

  • Connor

    I had to look up his image: I was sure you were just using an image of Steve Carell for comic effect 😂

  • Squeegee

    Women are important because they produce more men.
    ….Courtland Sykes

  • The Flaming Carrot

    Before you said “Lifetime Movie villain” I was thinking circa-1982 soap opera villain. The name fits.

    I wish I could trade places with Chanel for the dinner. He’d get it at 6:00 p.m. sharp, all right. Soup course would be mulligatawny, served in his lap, at a temperature of approximately 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Dessert would be an iron skillet served over his head. Not with votes.

    • Raan

      Courtland Sykes sounds like one of Victor Newman’s henchmen.

      • renegade500

        Gawd I hate Victor Newman! Why in God’s name does Nikki keep remarrying that motherfucker?

      • The Flaming Carrot

        I was thinking of Palmer Cortlandt. I suspect his mother was a General Hospital groupie.

    • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

      I was thinking circa-1982 soap opera villain.

      Agreed – he’s the hero’s sleazy long-lost brother with a hidden agenda. Except this guy is too stupid to hide his.

  • looksquirrels

    Props for the info on Rockwell—interesting!!

  • Bemused

    Is he a close personal friend of the Duggars? Because he kind of sounds like a close personal friend of the Duggars.

  • Squeegee

    Courtland and that other Navy Seal who is the governor of Missouri….then “family values guy” who cheated on his wife and then tried blackmailing his mistress to keep her quiet…would look really good together in a softcore gay porn film.

    They’ve probably already made a few together.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate…

      • ronbo

        As your homophobia insists.

  • renegade500

    A friend of mine just posted this on my fb timeline.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsQrv_FN7rE&feature=youtu.be

  • myexisinthetrunk

    Courtland Sykes? Really? I. for one, know an Onion satire when I see one. It is the over-the-top baroque quality of the whole thing. Not to mention the antiquated belief that he would write down all of this and post it on the Cathedral door.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Well, we haven’t been able to skewer a real MRA in a while since Mike Cernovich hid in the White House and Roosh V hid in his mother’s basement. So a fake MRA will do for the time being.

    • cmd resistor

      I did keep thinking, no way an actual person wrote this….but guess I was wrong.

  • Spurning Beer

    Courtland Sykes seems to think he is astonishingly good looking. In a queeny sort of way.

    • MamaBrown

      Tomi Lahren sends him nudes

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      “Gay or Metrosexual” is a game my cousin and I play while shopping at the antique shows. We had to add “or European” after following a “stylish” couple who turned out to be French.

      • ronbo

        I love the sexism and insults.* A Hillary fan?

        * not really.

        • Amazing Professional Lunatic

          You’re new here, aren’t you? Maybe you should lurk a while and get a feel for the place and the regulars before pooping everywhere.

          • ronbo

            Not new… just pop in as long as I can stand for the weekly sexist sycophants and neocon nonsense.

            Sad how much it mirrors mediate … insulting gays and all the people they look down upon. Queeny… gay… metrosexual… French… such unqualified repugnant superiority.

  • aureolaborealis

    Huh. And here I’m training my daughters to target the testes when they meet guys like this. (And also to cook, because we like to do that.)

  • MamaBrown

    And that dinner better consist of good old American meat and potatoes. Carrots, turnips, and CORN. None of that goddamn hippie kale.

    • Mike Minden

      This guy is probably the sort who drags home dead animals and proclaims “I killed it, you clean and grill it. And get me a beer!”

      • MynameisBlarney

        Not dead animals he hunted, but roadkill.

        • Mike Minden

          Better than grave robbing!

    • MynameisBlarney

      Kale is fuckin nasty though.

      • renegade500

        The Alamo Drafthouse recently changed their menu to subsitute kale for all lettuce. The first time I ordered a fried egg BLT and the server says it has kale instead of lettuce I wanted to do this:

        (I also made the MFer use proper iceberg lettuce in my sandwich, as god intended.)

        https://media.giphy.com/media/M36TVfWRsxEOI/giphy.gif

        • MynameisBlarney

          One of the restaurants here used to have the best Caesar salads in town, until they started using kale instead of romaine.

          • Thiazin Red

            Romaine is one of the defining ingredients of a Caesar. If you sub it out, its not a fucking Caesar salad anymore.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yup.
            And when I told them that I got blank stares.

          • renegade500

            It’s not a Caesar if it doesn’t have Romaine! What kind of crap cooking school are these kale-lovers coming from?

            https://media.giphy.com/media/pmMn3EaUfrHjy/giphy.gif

          • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

            Worse – the restaurant in my town with the best Cobb salad starting adding large cubes of avocado. Nope, I did not order guacamole. So nasty.

          • MynameisBlarney

            GAAAAAAH!!!

          • Trump’s Potemkin Village

            Ew. Kale in a Caesar? Blasphemous!

          • MynameisBlarney

            INORITE!?!

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            It’s not a Caesar then is it?

        • Lulu’s Mom

          IKR… what the fuck is up with Alamo Drafthouse? Not so long ago they were art-house but now just show the same shitty movies as every other suburb-o-plex. The good stuff only shows at Regal Arbor or AFS.

          • renegade500

            I’ll still go to the Drafthouse, since I hate movie popcorn, the smell is gross, makes me sick, and almost never to be found at the drafthouse. But seriously, stop trying to pass off kale as lettuce!

            Also, did you know Arbor 8 is going to be closed in a year or so? Developers are going to redevelop that whole shopping center. If they don’t put in another art house, I don’t know what I’m going to do!

      • Thiazin Red

        For me its one of those things that can be good under a very narrow range on conditions. Like all dark greens, it has to be cooked the exact right amount, or its inedibly disgusting. Like when someone overcooks collard greens and they taste like farts.

        • The Only Cosmic Owl

          If it is so damn complicated to clean and cook, I say fuck it.

      • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

        Not bad when mixed with other veggies. Alone is nasty. Like okra. Ewwww.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      My mom still has to cook 3 squares for my dad everyday. When I was a kid, he refused to eat leftovers, but did not always come home for dinner. We loved it because my mom, though having ED and being a lackadaisical and uninspired cook, did not mind when us four kids fought over the leftover meal.
      May the Lord prove that his fiancee is as awful a cook as my mom, and that he have to hire a chef instead.

  • AuntyMaude

    “He’s got your back (for convenient knife storage), and he works every day (golfing and tweeting, tweeting and golfing). No agenda (now THAT’s an understatement).”

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I liked the “AND HE’S NOT A COWARD” line because it came out of nowhere and he’s obviously a giant coward.

      • AuntyMaude

        Right? Why bring that up when it should be obvious. Total tell.

  • The Only Cosmic Owl

    Cook your own damn dinner, I’m bitter.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      Reminds me of the time my first husband called me while I was on a business trip to complain that he had no clean underpants. I can leave it to your imagination how I reacted.

  • AbigailatSea

    How did they make a campaign video using the photo that came with a frame from the sharper image in 1984?

  • Shibusa
    • The Only Cosmic Owl

      Man, does Courtland looks like a fucking idiot.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        In what way does that differ from the looks of the other two?

        • The Only Cosmic Owl

          Ahh, a riddle!

          • puredog

            Are you a different species from the Superb Owl? Cause I hear its day is coming.

      • Shibusa

        Nice avatar.

        • The Only Cosmic Owl

          Danke.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      He already hasn’t. Oh, you meant Cortland and Chanel.

    • Katamount

      No love for Bannon, but come on… I wouldn’t want to be photographed holding a poorly-drawn caricature of myself. O.o

      • Shibusa

        I think Chanel drew that. See my post above!

        • Katamount

          I figured, hence the photograph. Still… that’s Napoleon Dynamite level bad.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      And there’s our man, Courtland! Looking as dickishly ubiquitous as usual.

      * I did ‘steal’ the phrase ‘dickishly ubiquitous’ from Matt Taibbi. I love using it. It’s so apropos when describing GOP specimens.

  • The Only Cosmic Owl

    Courtland seems pretty much like the kind of guy who won’t tolerate a burned piece of toast.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      That fiancee needs to Get Out.

  • Thiazin Red

    He looks like Fox Mulder crossed with Putin, and maybe a touch of lesser Baldwin.

    • The Only Cosmic Owl

      Perhaps a Stephen. Or a Billy.

    • Notreelyhelping

      I was thinking of Mulder and Tony Robbins.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    Did he learn that squint from FLOTUS?

  • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

    i’m just surprised “courtland sykes” is white.

    • The Only Cosmic Owl

      I’m rather surprised he made it adulthood with such a douchey name.

      I have a ridiculously old fashioned name, and it was touch and go for a bit back in the day.

      • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

        it’s funny… if you show me a black guy named courtland, that seems fine. a white guy named courtland, though, that sets off the douche alarms.

        • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

          See, I’m just the opposite. A black dude named Courtland? Hell naw; that’d get serious side-eye. But a white dude? That sounds like some kind of prep-school douchebro who hangs out with Chad, Brock, and Hunter.

          • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

            white courtland absolutely hangs out with chad, brock, and hunter.

        • ronbo

          Your racism is so McCarthy.

          • Wonky “TurnipShepherd” McGoo

            1. i did not mean to be racist. i’m going to have to come back and look at this again later to figure out what i did. thanks for the heads-up.
            2. what mccarthy are you talking about? i don’t know the reference.

          • ronbo

            Twice. Isn’t nice.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Maybe started as Courtney?

    • this country says it’s about

      I don’t know, kinda sounds like a British fop.

      • Teecha

        British fop libelz!

  • Shibusa

    Chanel sounds nuttier than squirrel turds too. Here’s an excerpt from her web page: “Chanel has become widely known as the best political illustrator in the country for constitutional conservative and anti-leftist causes and as President Trump’s most talented and stalwart graphic warrior against leftism.”
    http://www.chanelrion.com/about

    • The Flaming Carrot

      As Kate Bush once said, “every old sock meets an old shoe.”

    • Lefty Wright

      Interesting when she said her dad moved from the U.S. as a strike against the socialist hellhole Clinton wanted in the US, then moved to South Korea, then to France. The land of free health care, extreme worker protections, and strong unions.

      • this country says it’s about

        Being well traveled usually broadens the mind – apparently it was wasted on her. If she hadn’t been so brainwashed by her father, maybe she could have seen that democratic socialism is not the spawn of the devil. Dictatorships like North Korea are not valid measures of what socialism/progressivism is.

    • Mr. White

      Graphic design rule #1: do not center a long column of body copy. For the life of me, I also couldn’t find any links to see samples of her “work.”

      • Marion in Savannah

        You just HAD to ask, didn’t you? Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

        http://www.chanelrion.com

        • harryr

          You did warn me, but I bit anyway. WTF??? Seriously, she is the best they’ve got?

      • Manders

        Oh, there are samples. What there are not are links where one might purchase anything, like . . . t-shirts, the books she alleges she has written . . . or any indication that anyone has ever published her “illustrations.”

    • this country says it’s about

      Thanks for the link.
      She uses North Korea as her model why socialism is “bad” which to me is intellectually lazy. Using her line of thought one could just as easily argue that democracy is a terrible thing – after all the full name of the country is The Democratic Republic of North Korea. North Korea is no more truly socialist than it is truly democratic. It is those things in name only. North Korea’s true problem is brutal dictatorship, which is a form of government BOTH the left and the right have been guilty of embracing all too often with disastrous outcomes for the general population.
      I call her intellectually lazy because she (just like her father) completely ignores the nations like Norway, Denmark, Sweden, and Germany, for example, that have representative democracy, prosperity, AND strong social programs.

    • Manders

      Well, since it sounds like she spent all of her formative years in the thrall of her papa (no mention of Mom except that she’s Korean), and had no formal schooling except for “Harvard,” it’s not a surprise.

  • Thiazin Red

    Everyone should learn how to cook. Most people don’t get married right out of high school, so maybe his theoretical sons should learn how to take care of themselves too. My father went to school in the 50s and instead of shop took home ec. The guys gave him shit about it, but he wound up able to live by himself.

    • The Only Cosmic Owl

      Schools started including boys in home ec classed in the early 1980s, for example.

      • Thiazin Red

        My district had girls and boys take both shop and home ec, which is the ideal situation. Everyone should know basic tool use, how to cook, do simple repairs, etc.

        • Shibusa

          I still have my 7th grade napkin holder, made in wood shop!

        • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

          This was the case by the time sister of Prickly was in high school in the early 90s. Everybody took both.

        • The Only Cosmic Owl

          Mine did as well, but those classes are the first to be cut under constrained budgets.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          This ^^^

    • The Only Cosmic Owl

      As far as I am concerned:

      Everyone needs at least one class on how to keep their living space clean and tidy.

      I tire of being called a clean freak because I vacuum and wash dishes, FFS.

      • puredog

        The dishes I can see, but. . .vacuuming? Shudder. I am lucky to have a g.f. who has a vacuuming fetish. Truly. Even when the dog fur is NOWHERE NEAR knee-level. And she’s not just saying this, she loves to vacuum. It’s like the friend I used to have who actually enjoyed ironing. “Every kettle has a lid” as another friend’s Jewish grandmother used to say.

    • Shan

      My kids took cooking classes. I took shop. They hate my cooking.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I took shop too in the late 70’s I was the only girl. I hated home ec.,
        as a result, I can fix the dishwasher and do small maintenance jobs.

  • Slithytoves

    He needs to get some sunglasses.

  • gratuitous

    From reading that, I get the distinct impression that Courtland and Chanel are co-hatitating without benefit of clergy. My, my.

    • cmd resistor

      It would be even more sad if they weren’t and she went over and cooked him a home-cooked meal every night, I guess.

      • Newzheimer

        Sweetened by a dash of antifreeze, maybe?

  • pgjack

    My wife had a brilliant career and was not a housewife. I took care of most of the home stuff because she was so much more successful I. As a result we are very comfortably retired in a lovely spot on the California coast. I know the California coast isn’t nearly as valuable was the Florida coast but still, it’s pretty nice. Here’s a suggestion. If your wife is brilliant and highly successful and able to earn a lot more money than you, do your best to support her in her career and celebrate her success. Loving each other is the important thing, not who fixes dinner.

    • The Only Cosmic Owl

      But did she ever get that snake out of her head?!

      LOL

    • Mr. White

      Just posted something very similar. I have zero qualms about my wife being more successful and more than happy to take care of household stuff.

  • Lefty Wright

    With more and more people delaying marriage, even if shacking up from time to time, the myth of the household chore incompetent male is usually fake news. Not to say men are gourmet chefs, Martha Stewart decorators, or obsessive/compulsive cleanliness freaks, but few 30 year old single men look like starving hobos. And fortunately, the myth of the clinging, dependent, subservient woman unable to cope with the real working world is just as big a myth. Despite what Courtland says.

    • The Only Cosmic Owl

      I enjoy it when Martha and Snoop cook together.

    • anotherangle01

      Unfortunately, it it still very hard for women to function effectly in the real working world is a very real thing. Especially if someone like Courtland is one of your coworkers. I think it’s time for someone (looking at you Wonkette) to investigate Courtland’s total past and see if there’s a #metoo reckoning is his future!!!!

  • The Only Cosmic Owl

    Everyone knows all female infants are born with a wooden spoon in their tiny fist.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      I was born with a cast iron skillet in one hand and a rolling pin in the other.

      • Ms.Moon

        Rolling pins can be dangerous. My aunt’s husband got her angry when she was using one and it accidentally on purpose beat him (he was quite drunk). After that he managed to not get it angry when he was drunk.

  • Perkniticky

    Even in Missouri, I don’t think he’s going to win…

    • ronbo

      Don’t be sad, McCaskill is still supporting tRump.

      http://www.kansascity.com/news/politics-government/article195420669.html

      Do I need to add the s/? She is a hardcore Republican parading around as a neolib.

      • Perkniticky

        Why would I be sad that a rightwing nutjob is not going to win? I’m not following Missouri politics that closely – are you saying that if this guy loses then McCaskill wins, and that would be much worse? Sorry, but your /s is not that clear.

        • puredog

          That’s because s/he is a troll.

          • Perkniticky

            Ah, that would explain the lack of sense.

          • puredog

            I only know that because I blocked it some hours ago for being a boring troll who was boring, I *never* block trolls, and I am a little surprised to see that it is hanging on here. Given to Delphic and brief statements that might lead a good-faith poster (that’s you) to pause and say “wait — whut? I don’t get this. Must be me.”

        • ronbo

          I don’t care if YOUR spouse cheat on you; but when mine does (votes in support of Republican policy) it is unacceptable.

          Have you not figured out that a Democrat pushing the party far right is much more effective than a Republican trying the same thing?

          “The truth of the matter is that my policies are so mainstream that if I had set the same policies that I had back in the 1980s, I would be considered a moderate Republican.”

          It may take you a while to figure it out; but, you eventually will.

          • Perkniticky

            You seem to be mired in some sort of private obsession – it’s really not worth my while to try to figure it out.

          • ronbo

            Private?!? No, quite public. My party just provided the critical votes to allow tRump to spy on anyone anytime without a warrant.

            Do you actually support tRump and his cabal capturing information of the people on his enemies list?

            He does have a track record in support of corporate espionage. None so blind….

    • beejeez

      In early 2016 I would’ve agreed. Now…

      • Perkniticky

        If he was a reality tv star I might be more worried.

  • Maybe

    Well, at least this arrangement will make it easier for her to poison him later.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Just fill him up with that good Paula Dean style food. He’ll love it, everyone will be very sympathetic, and Chanel can scout her next husband at the funeral.

      • Marion in Savannah

        As much as I loathe Paula Deen and her food, don’t all Republicans subsist on fat and salt? I think we need something a tad stronger here.

      • Maybe

        True. Paula Dean food is almost as deadly as cyanide and probably more dangerous than arsenic. Probably hurts more too.

        I wouldn’t recommend she scout at the funeral, though. Anyone who turns up to mourn her husband has three strikes against him.

        She should hold herself a private Irish wake in a nice bar somewhere. She might also want to consider lesbianism as a life choice.

  • Mr. White

    Proud to say my wife is definitely the key breadwinner in our household. I work but not nearly the hours – or put in the effort that she does with her career. I’m more than happy to cook a good, healthy meal for her, and clean the kitchen to boot. Love that these conservative asshats claim to be such “can-do” manly men, but they’d probably starve if they had to cook for themselves. Providing sustenance for loved ones is about the most manly thing you can do in my book.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Y U HATE MURKA!?!

    • Iam Reading

      My wife, long before we started dating, made it very clear that she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and raise kids. Not because she’s conservative, she isn’t. Not because she believes in patriarchy, she doesn’t. No. It’s because that is the way she wanted it. So that is what I have provided for her.

      What he is talking about is forcing a lifestyle upon women who may not want that particular lifestyle, which is, of course, complete assholery.

    • Tiffany de Houston

      Good for you. Your wife is a very lucky woman. Actually, you’re each lucky to have the other. Cheers to you both!

  • Mavenmaven

    That’s an ad only Stephen Miller could love.

  • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

    “think norman rockwell here”, ahahahaha
    Lord

  • Mavenmaven

    Needs more demon sheep

  • Nom de Guerre
    • Ellie

      I just realized that if you look out of the corner of your eye, and squint, that could almost be one of those infamous red caps on the ground near the wall.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    Methinks he is not serious about this Senate run but is merely trying earn himself a slice of the Breitbart pie.

    “I’m a loud-mouth asshole spouting some of the most provocative bullshit you’ve ever heard, pick me, pick me!” I can haz paycheck now?

  • Mockingbirds

    That photo of him…he looks like an underwear model in a Sears catalog.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I was going to say dumb ass Fox news anchor, but they’re pretty much interchangeable.

  • Iam Reading

    Courtland and Chanel? FFS

    • Marion in Savannah

      I was just about to say that of COURSE his fiancée’s name is Chanel. I wonder if she’s his 5th girlfriend?

      • Ellie

        I want to know if she comes with an air pump.

        • svejk

          yep. it’s what keeps her head erect on her spine, such as it is.

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    Not a very well constructed straw feminist woman. Can see the tufts, lumps, and bumps, which are also in his brains,

  • Cock Blockula

    May all Courtland Sykes’s future daughters play field hockey.

    And drive Subarus.

    • Marion in Savannah

      And wear overalls.

      • CripesAmighty

        Or leathers–and ride really LOUD Harleys.

        • puredog

          Wallets on chains.

      • Trump’s Potemkin Village

        and wear pink hats and march in Womens’ Rights Rallies : )

    • Daniel

      And have openings to Pixies songs written for them.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      May Courtland Sykes shoot blanks. The world doesn’t need any more of his kind.

  • Mike Minden

    The fun will really start when he holds a rally with Bannon and Moore in attendance.

  • Daniel

    I guarantee this man denies patriarchy exists.

  • Notreelyhelping
  • ronbo

    Oh Courtland, Sen. McCaskill had already supported endless wars and unconstitutional FIFA, you are only second worst.

    As a registered Democrat, I find my own Sen. McCaskill worse because she pushes Dems to the right. I expect that from Republicans, not Democrats.

    • Resistor Radio

      Wait, what? Are you joking?

      • CripesAmighty

        Poe or putz?
        Vote now:

        • Purity Pony

          • ronbo

            I like my Democrats to be Democrats.

            But hey, the last 40 years of the Republican Wing of the Democratic party have done so… very… well. Or not.

        • Resistor Radio

          Hmmm, I’m gonna take a look at their disqus history before I reach a decision. Maybe ask God what he thinks. (Oh wait, wrong thread)

        • Resistor Radio

          After deliberation (a skim of their disqus history), I don’t know! All the comments at Wonkette had me thinking “oh this is a Poe’s thing for sure, pretty convincing, though,” but then their comments at mediate and others have pushed me towards the putz camp.

          Either it’s a very, very good Poe, or it’s a terrible fucking idiot asshole putz. If you’re gonna make me choose, I’m going with Poe.

          • ronbo

            Thank you. I just knew you’d love to hate my support of New Deal programs.

          • Resistor Radio

            Hats off to you, pretty entertaining trolling!

          • ronbo

            Thank you. I’m just tired of being forced to support DINOs who end up supporting tRump’s policy while rejecting the individual.

          • Resistor Radio

            Oh wait, you’re serious? Or are you really selling the troll bit? If you’re really coming up in here with earnest “neolib” talk, well shit, that is just fucking ridiculous.

          • ronbo

            Dead Serious. A Democrat who supports Republican policy is a DINO. Unfortunately, you’ve fallen for the bait.

            Did you support DOMA, deregulation of Wall Street, unconstitutional DADT, more harsh sentences for black “super predators”, NAFTA, TPP. TPIP, endless wars, etc…. You might just be a Republican underneath the veneer.

            But, thank you for,voting Democratic.

        • ronbo

          http://www.kansascity.com/news/politics-government/article195420669.html

          Sen. McCaskill is definitely in the Republican wing of the Democratic party.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Putz and blocked for being boring.

      • ronbo

        Unfortunately not. Sen McCaskill (D) supports tRump.

    • NastyBossetti

      What does soccer have to do with this?

      • ronbo

        Sorry. Too often do I confuse the two. So similar, yet so different.

        • NastyBossetti

          haha I mean, I’ve heard FIFA is corrupt, so maybe it’s fair to call them unconstitutional?

          • ronbo

            Yes. Where there is love of money, there is corruption. Transparency is the best way of exposing it, now that the corporate media is in charge.

          • svejk

            naw, FIFA *has* a constitution, they just don’t follow it. in addition to their corruption, ignorance & self-entitlement, that’s because the text is hidden underneath all the greasy-thumb caviar stains they put on it.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      65 Dems voted for FISA. I am very disappointed in those 65 Dems. It would have failed if they had stood their ground.

      • ronbo

        Same here. The neolibs seem to be Republicans on policy.

    • James Baskin

      I’ve always said ‘A Missouri democrat is an Illinois Republican.’

  • SecludedCompound

    Yeah… this is exactly what American fascists look like.

    • ronbo

      They have gotten better… just look at how the neolibs have bridged the gap to support Republican policy but not the Republicans. http://www.kansascity.com/news/politics-government/article195420669.html

      • Manders

        We get it. You’re a purity pony. Quit posting the same article over and over.

        • ronbo

          Well, yes, unlike you, I don’t like shite sandwiches.

          • Manders

            No, thanks. And I reject your right to be a troll, but not here, and not to me.

            See the problem with you all is that you don’t deal with the world as it is. You’d really like Claire to be Bernie, but then Missouri would be Vermont, and really it would be easiest for you to just move to Vermont. Because Missouri has a long way to go to be Vermont.

          • ronbo

            Look at the thread: I commented to SecluedCompound, not you! Pay attention.

            It is you who attacked me. Gosh, I’m not whining about you “trolling” me; I’m not of the victim mentality.

            Be empowerd by the facts; not beaten by rhetoric and self-victimization.

  • Professor Fate

    why do rotten people all think their needs need to be catered to by other people? What are they helpless and incapable? Well probably.

  • sarafina

    That is a truly horrifying advertisement.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Given what he looks like there was no way under the sun that I’d watch that ad.

      • Resistor Radio

        It’s worth a watch just to see that it’s fucking real. It’s…wow.

        • puredog

          I was gulled, but am no longer convinced that this/he’s real.

  • ltmcdies

    well that guy’s quite the asshat, isn’t he

  • Resistor Radio

    Jesus, that campaign ad. The footage of Molotov cocktails being thrown as he sneers the word “immigrants.” Real fucking subtle, man.

  • AmusedAmused

    Shorter Courtland Sykes: I support women having their own opinions, as long as they keep those opinions to themselves (unless they are identical to mine). I support women pursuing their own path in life, provided they never leave the house. I support women following their dreams of cooking, cleaning and housekeeping, and definitely not having a career. I support women having an education, provided it’s never used for anything other than cooking, cleaning and keeping the baby from inconveniencing its father; and also for running some sort of business out of the home, probably embroidery or beanie babies or some sh*t.

  • mike stone

    I thought it was a ad for Cortland Suites.

  • LoCoJo

    His fiancé seems like a real peach. I’m sure they’ll be happy together.

    http://www.chanelrion.com/about

  • Lyly Sirivong
  • LeftyProud

    The comments on his page are gold. “You’d better do some research for the 2018 Lincoln Days. Those darn women were up to NO GOOD during the Civil War. Shame on them! “

  • Squeegee

    His website says he met his wife at Harvard where she earned some kind of ambiguous “Harvard international relations degree” and he earned an “ALB in government under the direction of the Associate Dean of Harvard Law School”
    I know as a Harvard grad that a ALB means you graduated from Harvard Extension School which means you took a class there…maybe a few classes….for the cost of admission….no idea what the hell he is claiming his wife Chanel earned though.
    Maybe she was working at the register at the Au Bon Pain in Harvard Square and he was passing through one day………….

    • Wonder

      That or his spouse to be(There’s still time to call it off, Chanel!) has more education than he does and he’s super threatened by that (Run, Chanel, RUN FAST AND FAR)

      • Squeegee

        I think I hooked up with Chanel’s sister Dior at a frat party at Harvard in the 90s. Or maybe that was her brother Versace I hooked up with.

    • “Unpresidented” Linda

      Someone needs to look into his education. Sounds like he’s inflating his academic record.

      Chanel? For reals?

      • rocktonsam

        taxes or stfu!

    • Manders

      Wifey is equally vague on her website:

      “Harvard trained International Relations graduate”

      Also, she was homeschooled alllll the way up to “college.”

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      I saw on a news article (I think it was the Missouri Independent?) that he also stated he had a degree from a London College on his Linked In profile. After the article hit the presses, he deleted that info. A GOP’er who lied? I’m shocked!

    • NATOist

      It looks like the military sent him there for training as an analyst.

      • Squeegee

        The Harvard Extension School offers degrees but it is for anyone that can pay to take a class as you pay per class credit so they use it to collect extra cash.

      • Manders

        I . . . doubt it. They have their own places for training folks. Besides, Cambridge is full of libruls.

  • chicken thief

    I can hardly wait for Act II, where Courtland opines on what the colored should do to improve their plight in America.

    • this country says it’s about

      Yeah – that should really be something. What’s the saying, “i thought you were stupid – then you started talking and I knew you were stupid.” Something like that.

  • “Unpresidented” Linda
    • Anarchy Unicorn

      Nice. My fave of his has always been, “They Ain’t Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore Anymore”.

  • eyelashviper

    I could suggest that Dipshit Sykes buy himself a crockpot, a microwave, and lots of frozen entrees and good stuff at a grocery store. Then he can bend over and shove them all up his arse.

    • teele

      He’s going to need them when Chanel decides cooking and cleaning for this asshole is not really her life’s dream, after all.

  • Bad Scooter

    when i made my sign for last weekend’s march, i didn’t realize it ap https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/58a91b50da7f09fb69d6d053d86bba2a6e2e3dd0b150086d35cbc3f06ed80f5d.jpg plied to any particular 2018 candidate:

    • General Factotum

      We all know that there’s no snakes in your head – it’s just that your womb is full of sea serpants, according to Dr Nick’s learned opinion.

    • thixotropic jerk

      He meant snakes ON yer head ’cause yer a Medusa see? Whose look turns weeny primping males into nail-biting, self-sammich-making cucks.

      • Bad Scooter

        oh, i see. and i raise him my “emasculated” husband, who trims his pubic hair (ALLEGEDLY), but also holds his own amongst the roughest group of construction workers, shoots guns on weekends, plays offense on one amateur hockey team and defense on another two nights a week, holds a license in structural engineering, and also manages to be one of the kindest, most compassionate people I know that is capable of kicking this guys’s ass…

        …except he wouldn’t because he abhors violence. this guy could learn a thing or two about masculinity from my self-sammich making man.

        PS: know who taught my man to make sandwiches and clean up after himself? nope, not me. HIS MAMA.

  • Trump’s Potemkin Village

    Oh boy…I can’t WAIT to read the comments here. : )

  • Anarchy Unicorn

    Hate to admit this, since he’s such a loathsome jerk. I kept seeing this assholes picture and thinking, “kinda hot, I’d fuck him” but then I heard him speak and now I have a soft-off.

  • Newzheimer

    This? This is my girl, Claire McCaskill’s competition? OK, girl, we got this.

    This is better than Todd ‘the body has ways of shutting that down’ Aiken (when speaking of the potential of pregnancy resulting from rape).

    What’s with the Republican male candidates in Missouri? I mean, I know it’s a deeply red state and all, but this assclown? What a troglodyte.

    • Manders

      Watch it. Since you mentioned McCaskill, you may have a troll incoming.

      • Newzheimer

        Meh.

        That’s what the block button is for. Besides, that article he linked to is written by a libertarian. Libertarians are RWNJs who like to do drugs. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

        • Manders

          A-men.

  • Rickyphoo

    Oh, look another GOP asshole asking to be punched in the dick! With votes, of course, many, many feminine votes.

    • just_jim

      “Oh, look another GOP asshole asking to be punched in the dick balls!”

      Much more tender.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Nail-biting manophobic hell-bent feminist she devils = awesome name for a 90s riot grrrl band.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      That describes me to a tee (but only when Rethuglican men are around).

  • OrdinaryJoe

    The is one very fucked up in the head little dude. Somehow, looking at her bio, I don’t think wifey is staying home making sammiches. They reminds me of Scarmooch and his wife.

    http://www.chanelrion.com/about

    • Manders

      Or . . . she is, because alllllll of that stuff is hogwash. I don’t believe there are books or a summer camp. Or that she speaks any language but English, and that not well.

      *note: it’s perfectly fine if she wants to stay home and make sammiches. Some days that sounds perfectly awesome to me. But, she does not have a career, exactly. She has a bunch of smoke that she will happily blow up your butt.

    • Sakonyachen

      I am supposed to take her seriously while decries socialism via her view of North Korea through the DMZ?

      Bwahahahahahahahahahahahah!

      Never mind that you can’t see anything but a blockade from there, DPRK is about as socialist as it is democratic.

      She’s gonna destroy the left by not knowing who they are? And by posing as a cowgirl supermodel in her bio? Let me put my phone down so I can shudder in fear.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        I always say, scratch a Republican and you will find just the below the surface the scars of a childhood that should have landed somebody in jail.

  • beingreleased

    As I’ve said before, conservatives believe very strongly in the freedom for you to live the way they want you to live.

  • Trump’s Potemkin Village

    What about the “family val-yoooze” of living with a woman before marriage? Isn’t that a sin for him and his whole party?

    • TakingAmes

      She goes home after she does the dishes?

      • Bammelam

        .. nope. Crawls back to the closet

    • minidriver

      It’s not a sin if she makes him dinner every night.

      • Trump’s Potemkin Village

        and I think Tony Perkins said he could have a “Mulligan” on that sin.

  • Ghoti theLinguist

    Someone actually wants to marry this insecure, phony putz? I sincerely hope they don’t procreate.

    • Some poor dupe did.

  • rocktonsam

    Hey that’s Jefferson Darcy from ‘Married With Children.’

    • Please. He wouldn’t DARE tell Marcy that shit.

  • Cat Cafe

    I like how he refers to the “wreckage” of Hillary’s private life and how girls “don’t want to be like her.” Let’s see. Valedictorian of her college; one of the first women to go to Yale Law School; First Lady of Arkansas; First Lady of the United States: brilliant, capable, talented, smart, powerful; two-time Senator of one of our most powerful states; Secretary of State; respected worldwide— all these are PART OF HER FUCKING PRIVATE LIFE–and on top of that, married to a man who admires her endlessly and supports her in everything she does–yeah, he had a little side dalliance but she KNEW that about him and was willing to put up with it FFS. But to him, that’s “wreckage”? WHAT A FUCKING WOMAN HATER!!

    • James Baskin

      Hillary Clinton is miles and miles above this little prick.

    • Ghoti theLinguist

      Amazing how Hillary Clinton lives rent-free in the heads of so many Repub men.

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        and that, my dear sir or madam, wins the interwebs for at least one week

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      One of those revisionist history fans. He probably thinks the south won the war.

  • Trump’s Potemkin Village

    Did Republican men ever stop to wonder why they bring out the worst in women? No, of course not, they’re far too self-absorbed. They enjoy provoking and bragging and that’s it. And then when we sling their insults back at them, they get all butthurt and whiny about it, and claim they’re “victims” of “feminism.”

  • Trump’s Potemkin Village

    Such a powerful scowl in the photo op. Needs moar Botox.

  • james crubb

    I like how this good Abrahamite wants his sammiches at 6 on the dot, children have dinner at 6. The infantile fantasy.
    Abrahamic ideology is fundamentally mysoginist and fuck wits like this expose this truth.

    • Carole

      His bedtime is 8 pm, so dinner has to be at 6.

      • james crubb

        I guess he has to go to bed before the bewitching hour, when TV is no longer G rated.

  • Sakonyachen

    Interesting note here. Missouri is crawling with WOMEN!!!!!!

    • James Baskin

      Where!?

  • calliecallie

    Sexist, insensitive and SO good-looking is no way to go through life, Courtland.

    • danedg

      Donnie’s jealous… this guy’s got a JOB!

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        And only one chin!

  • Yellerduck

    I would marry a crock pot. They’re warm, dependable and easy to turn on. They always have you covered and even when they’re stewing, it’s a good thing.

    • TundraGrifter

      And when the bell goes off they always deliver!

    • You can even set a timer for 6 PM.

    • hendenburg2

      The problem is that they take a while to get there

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Yes, but you can leave them alone while they spend hours warming themselves up, then you come in at the end when everything’s warm, moist, and tender.

  • JustPretendImNotHere

    His fiancee’s name is Chanel?

    • TundraGrifter

      Number Five?

    • Bammelam

      Just as good as ‘Tiffany’
      .. so classy

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      It was her ‘stage name.’

  • Tovarish Z

    The more I see and read about this, the more I think:
    -He is a troll
    – This is some elaborate performance peace.
    – This is a grift

    These options are not mutually exclusive.

    • NATOist

      I’m pretty sure he’s a stock photo actor from a 90s yacht upholstery ad. No one dresses like that anymore.

      • Bammelam

        “… a 90s yacht upholstery ad ..”
        Lol. Brilliant !

  • TakingAmes

    I bet he also thinks women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex. At least not the way he does it.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      It’s far too threatening to his brand of toxic masculinity if a woman were to actually enjoy sex. Why she’d be a slut! /s

      • ((( Augustus )))

        Or wouldn’t need him at all :)

    • Mary Stone

      I’m pretty sure she doesn’t enjoy sex the way he does it.

  • Poly_Ester

    Its too bad Phyllis Schlafley is so much older than him (and dead). She was from the neighborhood, and I’m certain that she would have made him dinner every night except those days when she was running around the country telling women that their place was at home.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      She does have a niece, Suzanne Venker!

      • Poly_Ester

        She also has a daughter Anne, married, alas.

    • teele

      I strongly disagree with you — it is most certainly not “too bad” that Phyllis Schlafley is dead. Some days, remembering that fact is they only thing that brings a smile to my lips.

  • Ellen D.

    What kind of woman signs up for this shit? This kind of woman:

    hanel is also the developer, author, and illustrator of the first three volumes of her traditional girl’s mystery series.Chanel’s series promotes not only the spirit of the traditional family but the self-reliance, ingenuity, independence, and strength of American girls who believe in traditional homes, in conservative values, in having faith, and in having traditional lives and futures that encourage families to succeed at home and to create family-centered and home-centric feminine and family enterprises. But this is not the script typically foisted on girls in the name of female independence today. Chanel’s series creates a world for girls who want to Make America Great Again the old fashioned way and to raise new generations of the kinds of families that always did. It will not make nail-eating radical feminists happy.

    http://www.chanelrion.com/about

    Courtland Sykes fiance.

    • Bammelam

      Barf

      • Reegstar

        Ditto!

    • Out of Patience

      She is the type to continue working in name of the greater good and want all other women to stay home and bake bread.

      • Tishalicious

        Ah, Serena Joy!

    • alpacapunchbowl
    • Ghoti theLinguist

      Mail order bride?

      • NailEatingRadicalFeminist

        Her or her mom? Because her dad sounds like just the sort of patriarchal control freak whackjob who would do something like that.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      I heard Coco really loved being servile

    • thixotropic jerk

      What’s with all the “nail-biting” and “nail-eating” references? Is there some kind of pica projection going on with them? Perhaps they have an undiagnosed mineral deficiency? (Along with a painfully obvious deficiency of the s-m-r-t-s.)

    • Janae Bess

      I went to her site and read her propaganda.Now I have a terrible headache.

    • danedg

      Medusa!

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      So raising girls who are programmed to be victims, then.

    • Mary Stone

      Who doesn’t understand how punctuation, or paragraphs, work.

  • Gerald Parks

    There is a name for this dude …mother fucker!
    Asshole …also works!
    Don’t let this asshole mother fucker anywhere near the reigns of power!
    See…even used both names in a coherent sentence!
    Again, let his money spent on this campaign be a total waste!
    You can do it Missouri!
    It will save all of US(America) a lot of misery …not to meantion grief!

  • TundraGrifter

    That photo – either he has a mote in his eye or he stared too long at the eclipse.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      That motherfucker has got a beam in his eye, shouldn’t be worrying about the motes in anyone else’s

  • Bammelam

    Ha ha, that guy think his nonsense makes him look tough and powerful
    while any sane person can see he exposes himself as being a scared weak limp dick

  • danedg

    Were I to speak such tripe to my dinner supplier I would be subjected to “The Next To Last Castrato” or maybe a rerun of “The Lorena Bobbitt Story”

  • Out of Patience

    May he never have daughters or sons.

  • Reegstar

    My first thought was that this photo was an ad for “Fifty Shades Grayer” or whatever the latest episode of that ridiculous series. You know he’s got to get beat real bad in order to get it up.

  • Bammelam

    Photographer :
    ” ..try looking tough ..”
    “… no no no you’re overdoing it … ”
    “.. PLEASE take it down a few notches .. ”
    ” .. no no .. not UP .. ”
    ” .. relax , it looks idiotic .. ”
    “.. OK then, I give up. Fuck it, I’ll take the pic and get the fuck out of here ..”

  • Zyxomma

    First, WTF is a drugstore academic? Second, manophobic means irrationally afraid of HANDS. Courtland Sykes is A Idiot.

    • Mary Stone

      A Harvard edumacated idiot, apparently.

  • Carole

    Is that . . . hair gel?

  • Beverly Bohn

    I bet his girlfriend makes a lot of “meatloaf” dishes. I’d tell him to check his trash for empty cans of Alpo or Old Roy, but….nah!

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Sadly, given her website, I doubt it.

  • ((( Augustus )))

    Man that guy REALLY likes emdashes

  • SadDemInTex

    His fiancé is named Chanel. ‘Nuff said

    • thixotropic jerk

      I have it on good report that Sykes’ Pet Name for his fiancée is “Chattel” said in a very family friendly, ‘make me a sammich!’ respectful of his women’s place far, far beneath him kinda way.

  • I was unaware that feminists are prone to biting their nails. The things you learn.

    • NailEatingRadicalFeminist

      Only the most radical of us. It’s like a gang signal, so we recognize each other.

    • Teecha

      I try to keep mine as long as possible, for three reasons. I like the way they look, they’re more fun to decorate when they’re long, and you can do more damage with a talon than a bitten nail.

  • thixotropic jerk

    How is anything coming out of that Hair-In-Search-Of-A-Personality Dumbhole’s Piehole NOT a complete parody???

  • F.O.C.

    He is a thoroughly unpleasant person. I can’t really blame him though. Once his parents named him Courtland Sykes the rest was inevitable.

    • thixotropic jerk

      They were originally going to go with “Jaghoff McSmegmers” but that was already taken by a cousin-husband so choice #2!

  • thixotropic jerk

    “There, I could look out across the fences into and across the DMZ, past soldiers and guns, at the worse enslavement and torture of human beings on God’s earth at this insanity of the total socialist state–at what was the home of a then 14-year-old boy named Kim Jung Un, who was playing somewhere inside this prison camp country; who would soon grow into a madman who would one day die in there when he tried to blow up America and the world, killing millions, including my Korean loved ones in Seoul, just 30 miles from the DMZ.”
    “But I didn’t know then.”
    “It would have been a lot for a child with already much to think about–to think about.”

    Wow that Everyone! Meet Chanel! website is full of YEARS worth of comedy gold. Almost makes me want to see Psychs get erected.

    http://www.chanelrion.com/about

    ps Wonkederos: Try reading that first criminally ungrammatical run-on sentence aloud with a “creeping Red Scare hysteria” inflection to really grok the full Chanel (“I Am Not An Island– I Am A Estuary Swollen Against My Levees!”) That Missouri Douchebag’s Fiancée.

    • Mary Stone

      Harvard must disavow they ever gave this individual a degree in anything. Immediately.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    It’s another rule of social physics; the word “natural” is used exclusively by the fakest motherfuckers on the planet.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Events have transpired recently in such as manner as to require me, the Man of the House, to prepare the Evening Meal for my Bride and myself. Things got off to a less than stellar start. One night I found myself surveying my table, reflecting on the fact that I’d made Coney Dogs and French (formerly “Freedom”) fries. This was true: we were one carny away from full-on State Fair midway. I knew I had to step up my game. I did. Purusal of something call a “Cooke Book” has had the benefit of giving me the ability to make, among other dishes, a tuna casserole TDF. The recipe says to add broccoli to the final product. However, by the time that moment arrives one has already introduced 1 cup of mayo and 1 cup of sour cream to the mix and as far as I am concerned this is no time to feign healthy eating. The point, if there is a point to be had, is that we are doing fine; are still happily married and the fabric of the nation has not been rent asunder. At least not as a result of our particular arrangement, that is. There is one other point I would like to make and it is this: I hope this asswipe jagoff winds up childless and alone, eating from a dumpster because he can go and Fuck. Right. Off.

  • I been married to crock pots two times. The first one’s name was Rival and she was beautiful, what with her early 80s floral pattern design and low and high settings. We finally broke up after 20 years together after she short circuited over something stupid that I did. I was alone and hungry for many years until one day I crossed paths with Ms. Hamilton-Beach. She caught my eye with her sleek metallic finish and oval curves. I was smitten. Since we’ve been together she always amazes me with her high, low, and even warm settings. I’m in love again.

    As someone who does all of the cooking in my household I appreciate any help I can get.

    Oh, and I’m going to add “Courtland Sykes” to my list of those who I’d like to get on an elevator with.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Brilliant you are!

    • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

      With respect to both Rival and Hamilton Beach and due wholly to your make-man’s-heart-race description of each, I can only say, breathlessly: I’d hit that.

      • Not the boast but it’s almost always supper time at our house.

    • Boojum

      I’d like to get stuck on an elevator with Courtland Sykes.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Courtland or, as his friends call him, “Bill.”

  • Invidosa

    Upon this man, I wish to confer (assuming a woman decides procreation with a shit flinging cretin is a GOOD idea. . . And we know it happens every day) at least one each completely proud and utterly shameless transgender daughter and son. I also confer a trio of lesbian triplets, equally proud and lacking in fear. Additionally I mandate that said transgender daughter desires to be a stay at home mother, a d the above-mentioned transgendered son desire to become a ridiculously successful public defense attorney.

    Of the triplets; the eldest shall be a lovely lady who married her partner; Charie, and together they adopt three adorable babies of various ethnicities.

    The middle will become a pagan priestesses, and find tremendous fullfillment in the work, when she realizes the need she will turn to public life and be elected to the Senate, as a democrat natch.

    The youngest will the cutest little butch girl you ever did see. She will work on the factory floor, holding her own with the men until she meets the love of her life and decides she needs to get pregnant and be a homemaker.

    Lo! I have willed it!! Now pass invi that bottle of vodka!!

    • tegrat

      as long as the “ch” in “Charie” is pronounced like the “ch” in “chemistry”, I’m down.

      • Invidosa

        I was thinking more like “ch” like Charlie with the emphasis on the first syllable. So CHAR-ee

    • Ms.Moon

      So mote it be.

  • “….because I am incapable of heating up my own Spaghetti-o’s….”

  • Gosala

    I can totally see this guy as the cruel Regency Earl whose dark and murderous past is mercilessly revealed by the brilliant Governess (played by Robyn Pennacchia) assisted by the naive but intrepid footman (auditions at 11).

    There is, at the very least, a mad aunt in the attic, the rotting corpse of his wife in the bed chamber, a jilted lover and her sickly child supported in penury in a London slum and a round dozen tenant farmers ruined by the enclosures.

    • Boojum

      Footman! 👋

  • Keith Taylor

    Play field hockey and have affairs with Wonder Woman.
    And lead the FBI to the five corpses in bridal gowns in his basement (hypothetically in a B movie fantasy, with votes).
    And sue him for allowing Howard Stern to refer to them as “pieces of ass” (hypothetically, with votes, in a B movie fantasy, except that we’ve seen it in real life already.)

  • Bill Diaz

    Having raised 2 children (twins, one of each), it was my son that ended up winning the ‘Iron Chef’ competitions for youth and my daughter that waited for dinner to be served each night. I like to think that he was taking after dear old dad (me), but it probably has more to do with my kids feeling that they werent limited or constrained in what they could or wanted to do.

    On the flip side, my daughter had a long history of female PhD role models who showed her in no uncertain terms that her only limits were the ones she accepted for herself.

    To me, the definition of ‘feminist’ is simple. If you want the women of tomorrow to have greater choice, opportunities and freedom then they do today, you just might be a feminist. If you think like this jack-off, then you are the enemy of every woman, from the littlest to the most mature. In the same way that racism is a belief that some people are inherently less valuable because of their color, sexism is the same thing, with chromosomes and equally detestable.

    I wonder where this idiot was during the Women’s March? Probably hiding from all the scary wimminz daring to have their own beliefs.

    Have a great day!

  • tegrat

    He looks ruggedly stupid. I especially like the rotating profile shot, makes it look like your choosing a character in a video game. Nicely played!

    • Fifth-and-a-Half Element

      And a popped collar yet.

      I think the ’80s are calling, wanting the Members Only jacket back.

      • TundraGrifter

        Technically, no – that collar isn’t “popped.” Might be slightly misfolded with button-down collar points (can’t tell from the photo). Or it might be the revival of the “high collar” shirt from the late 60’s (see “Double-O Soul”). I still have one in the back of my closet. No long fits but I can’t bear to give it up. Bottom line: Not popped.

        But he’s still a douche.

      • Canned Covfefe

        Message from the youngs; Members Only jackets are once again the things. If you have any in back of closet the youngs want them and are willing to pay bigly.

    • danedg

      He looks like Roy Moore…trapped in Pierce Brosnan’s body!

  • BearGHAZI

    I have no snark. They should have sent… a poet

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_BYTZVmDHk

  • Hopefully the daughters will remember to look “rested and attractive” for the men of the family. 😫

    https://youtu.be/_Hh4M4vipAo

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      And sedated. One of Mother’s Little Helpers.

    • Mike Minden

      Creepy.

    • buzz

      Thinking “Junior” was a surprise.

      • Phoenixdoglover

        Looks like the milkman.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      I think “son” and “daughter” featured in the late night sequel to this film, Reefer Madness.”

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    NOT WASHINGTON.
    Okay, let’s move the D.C. to Jefferson City. Or maybe Columbia, just 32 miles north.

  • TundraGrifter

    “I genuinely enjoy cooking for people I love…” Robyn – you can also cook? Wow. Just doesn’t seem fair.

  • “Well honey, I WOULD be happy to serve you a pipping hot STFU stew. Tee hee.”

  • danedg

    Yup! We need to move the US Govt. to Missoula!!
    Where real men get their dinners at 6PM!
    MAGA!!!!!!!

  • Delu

    I can also see him in a B-movie situation where he is the head of a mysterious company that is turning people into zombie super soldiers.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gN3gNuRdVmg

    • danedg

      Oh c’mon… Iron Man was a good B movie!

  • Suse
    • Morningside

      Gotta love Barbara Stanwyck.

  • Ann Marie

    Fix his dinner….with Hemlock & Puffer fish.
    I bet his sees a dominatrix 3 times a week, at least!

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I would enjoy beating him.

  • Boojum

    “Family wives”. He wants his daughters to be polygamists?

    • Mary Stone

      I got that same Sister Wives vibe. I seriously think Courty-boy wants his own private hareem.

  • Boojum

    His fiancé is a cartoonist and author of children’s books who says this about herself:

    “Chanel has been frequently described as one of Hillary Clinton’s “worst nightmares” because she stands as a fierce foe of anything Clinton, of everything Obama, and as a total and unrelenting enemy of academic left-liberalism and political correctness anywhere—she’s out to stamp it out and when Chanel skewers the enemy, it can be a powerful thrust—sometimes shocking, always articulate—linguistic and graphic gems that strikes the heart of the insanity of the political left.”

    Someone takes herself much too seriously.

    • Ghoti theLinguist

      I seriously doubt Hillary Clinton knows or cares about Chanel No. 5, or whatever her name is.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      BTW, her “cartoons” make Ben Garrison look like Rembrandt.

    • Maybe

      Sounds as though she and this guy deserve each other.

      I still think she’ll end up poisoning him though.

    • buzz

      I think the original Chanel wants her name back.

    • Chanel’s work looks like it was lifted from Chick Tracts.

      • Mary Stone

        I googled Chick Tracts, followed the publisher’s link, and I will never, ever forgive you. There isn’t enough eye/brain bleach in the world to expunge what cannot be unseen.

    • Teecha

      So she’s anti-using her brain and being polite? She wants to stamp out education and good manners? Through the medium of children’s books?
      She’d be better off sticking to cooking for this fule

    • All children’s authors should be out to destroy and skewer

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      So one of the childrens propagada book writers, who has no sense of humor, got it.

    • Mary Stone

      Oh dear God. ANOTHER one that went to a “bastion of liberalism” and came out committed to spewing “bug-eating insanity, racism, paranoia, and seething hate” – that last bit comes from Jim Wright. Chanel Rion is proof that some people should not, in fact, go to Harvard.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    And here they are with a handsome lad. Do they still grock to him, as the kids say?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/98bd705c330794633e9cf4ca660efd1ca3ba04654bb1049b5dd37435842b5e51.jpg

    • this country says it’s about

      OMG, he looks like Bannon’s missing love child! That ‘s assuming Bannon is capable of love.

    • Mary Stone

      This is so Tryhard it’s hilarious.

  • teele

    No, seriously, these people aren’t for real, are they? Are there really real people out there who exist on this earth just to be laughed at?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    From “Bitch, make me a sammidge” to “Bitch, make me a hot meal.”

    Now that’s progress.

    Although, to be fair, if I want a hot meal, I had better make it myself because nobody named “Chanel” is going to make it for me.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      She sounds foreign.

    • theCryptofishist

      Think of the tasty aromas…

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      What about a hot open-face roast beef sammich? Do they count as a 2-fer?

  • CindyinEncinitas

    May his daughter marry a militant separatist lesbian kung fu master with free-floating hostility.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      And a lightning-fast punch to the throat…

    • Maybe

      Or become one.

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      And a constant need for a sparring partner:

      The not-winner makes dinner

  • By the way I MUST get the updated 2018 edition of the Passive-Aggressive Dictionary. Gor instance, did you know that “obedience” now means “making demands” (like a hostage negotiation!)?

  • By the way I MUST get the updated 2018 edition of the Passive-Aggressive Dictionary. Gor instance, did you know that “obedience” now means “making demands” (like a hostage negotiation!)?

  • By the way I MUST get the updated 2018 edition of the Passive-Aggressive Dictionary. Gor instance, did you know that “obedience” now means “making demands” (like a hostage negotiation!)?

  • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

    Oh, fuck him to hell and back.
    If I hadn’t had a career when my husband died, my daughters & i would be homeless right now.

    My great-grandmother did NOT have a career when her husband died, she lost their farm, & had to take in laundry to support her 5 kids. She had arthritis so bad, she had to crawl out of bed in the morning, and then go wash clothes by hand.
    My grandmother had to drop out of school at age 15, be a live-in maid, and send her wages home to help support her 4 siblings.
    No social safety net back then. Which is why I’m a Democrat.

    Just fuck him. I am so weary of this shit.

    • theCryptofishist

      Can I blame you? Not in the fucking least.

    • mailman27

      No steps forward, from the Enlightenment on, have been brought about by anybody who could be defined as a conservative. Every single advance; cultural, governmental, even religious FFS, has been the child of a liberal school of thought. I am dead serious.

      • littlegreen

        Shockley? Teller? How about composer Richard Wagner? Does being a nazi count as conservative?

        Liberal thought is more evolved, but I don’t think you can make that generalization.

        Others are coming to mind (Hobbs, Machiavelli). Depends how you define conservative.

  • Jackie Jones

    Dude just wants fame. Or he is incredibly insecure

  • theCryptofishist

    Robyn–I assume there will be something on the Presidents Club scandal on Saturday. Of course, you know what you’ll be writing about, and we can foment our own outrage, if needed. Wonkettes are resourceful.

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    He can abuse his daughters into believing whatever a disgusting excuse for a father he might turn out to be can think up. I will continue to raise my daughters to aim for the balls.

  • buzz

    OMG, he is so handsome. I must learn to cook so that sometime soon I too can find such an incredible male to take me. Or I can just call for take out.

    • blaid droog

      What kind of take out?

      • svejk

        assyrian. they do really quick delivery. according to byron, or was it shelley, “the assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold.”

  • Wookie Monster

    Here’s hoping this douchebag never has any daughters.

    • buzz

      Of course if he has sons he will just pass along this toxic message. Better that he should be infertile.

      • this country says it’s about

        If there is a god.

        • blaid droog

          Don’t count on it.

  • Sid Pevear

    Courtland Sykes? Seriously? Sounds like something out of a cheap romance novel or some shit. Where does the GOP find these douchebags?

    • this country says it’s about

      All that is missing from the opening shot of his ad is a barely clad, near orgasmic woman with heaving bosoms.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      Soap opera villain.

  • Rooster Cogburn105

    If I were his significant other, I’d be tempted to fix him a boiling pot of grits, honey, and votes, serve it to him in bed, and “accidently” spill it over his unclothed swimsuit area.

    Old South method of serving divorce papers for extracurricular activities. In the South, they serve everything with grits, even revenge.

    • blaid droog

      If you made cheese grits, they would hold the heat longer.

  • I’d just leave it as a knuckle sandwich.

  • dshwa

    I hope Courland Sykes daughters all grow up to be lesbians.

    His name really sounds like the villain from a bad romance novel.

  • Leftflank

    What do douche have for din din, that’s the big question.
    This dude has the frozen meatball with primavera sauce look all over him to me.

    I’m betting that scumbag Courtyard here rarely makes it home by 6. Between happy hour rushes and hiding from his bookies, I’m thinking he creeps in closer to 11.

    I have to hope that Missourinnis do not want to be represented by gelatinous douche, I just have to believe that.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Missouri doesn’t have enough trouble? That’s the state with Eric Greitens for its governor. He’s the married ex-Navy Seal who lashed his naked (also married) lover to a piece of exercise equipment in his basement and took a photo of her. He then blackmailed her with said photo. ALSO the home of Todd Akin, the senate candidate (circa 2012) who claimed that victims of “legitimate rape” rarely get pregnant because female bodies have a mechanism to “shut that whole thing down.”

      Where in hell do Missouri Republicans find these women-hating maniacs?

      • Leftflank

        Jukesgrrl
        Where in hell do Missouri Republicans find these women-hating maniacs?

        Well Jukes, I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark on that one and say, Missouri.
        I know a wacked out mother and daughter that moved from here, Colorado, to there, Missouri, and have stayed for like 10 years…WTF?

        Granted, she is an Italian white girl that was pregnant from a black dude after divorcing her Latino husband and being raised by a racist as hell Father trying to hide, but she stayed-with her mom.
        I don’t get it.

      • blaid droog

        My partner and I lived in S.F.at the bottom of Potrero hill, on Missouri street. I just knew it was a mistake from the moment we signed the lease. We quickly dubbed it mizzery street. I think Kathy Bates lived at the top of the hill.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Most of the men I know who think disgusting thoughts like that are still smart enough not to utter them aloud.

    • Cinxia

      A thousand likes. (Though to be fair all the men I know like to cook.)

  • M.E. Lawrence

    Oh, lord. My ma’s people are from Henry County, Missouri. The women were and are good cooks. They are also Dems who would hit this fuckwit over the head with the largest (lovingly seasoned) cast-iron skillet available if he spewed such nonsense around them.

  • Garbageman

    Dang! I really wish you hadn’t said that about Norman Rockwell . . .

  • John Norris

    Mr Sykes: keep your day job. You are not Fabio or Jason Baca. You do not have a career as a romance novel cover model.

    • blaid droog

      Not me of course, but many of us living in gaytopia would look at that man and say “he might be a misogynist asshole, but it’s the size of his dick that’s really important”. My people are a shallow lot. Also, always horny.

      • Mary Stone

        They’d be in for a disappointment. Lorena Bobbit would need a scanning electron microscope.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      or commercials….”I can’t believe it’s not butter!”

  • javadavis

    Sykes? Haven’t thought about this in a while, but wasn’t there a quote in a movie, (what was it) or an exchange, rather – Inigo was in it (the movie, not the exchange – well, take that back, he was in both) Oh, yeah, here it is, Alien Nation.
    Here’s the exchange:
    Det. Samuel ‘George’ Francisco: It is like your name… Sykes. I’m sure it doesn’t bother you at all that it sounds like “ss’ai k’ss,” two words in my language which mean “excrement” and “cranium.”

    [pause]

    Det. Samuel ‘George’ Francisco: Shithead.

  • JCfromNC
    • Jesse

      “I want to come home to a home cooked dinner every night at six.”

      I bet you want your dog to fetch the ball every time you throw it, too.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        I hope his dog fetches his balls.

  • handyhippie65

    the theme song at his rallies will be throw another log on the fire. https://youtu.be/BWpYQjuJ0u0

  • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

    I hope all of Courtland Sykes’ children, should he ever reproduce, are all fanged, hairy quadrupeds that eventually become large enough to eat him.

    • Hiptobesquare

      I was trying to think of something horrible enough to wish on this preening troglodyte, but came up empty. You, however, have said it for us all! Well done!

  • Wes

    People aren’t even sure if this guy is real or an elaborate performance piece. Nobody in Missouri or Arkansas, where he claims to be from, knows who the hell he is.

    • laineypc

      Maybe he’s syke-ing us out.

    • The Very Stable Librarian

      Lol, my friend in St. Louis says the same.

  • Jesse

    So Claire McCaskill has just gotten another term. Last time she had to send campaign contributions to the worst possible candidate to get to run against him, this time they’re just giving him to her… How nice of them.

    These will be must watch debates, for sure.

  • phoenix00

    Courtland really, really wanted to make it to Trump’s judiciary, but had to settle for this instead.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    who gets home from work at 6?

    • Give the guy a break, he probably does not bother to show up until 530

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      I don’t think GOP politicians do – they’re too busy hatching Machiavellian schemes, drinking/dining on the taxpayers’ dime, and groping.

  • Petra

    Gℴogle giving me 97 dollars/h to do easy tasks on the internet .. Work Some only few hours and stay more time together with your own relatives … Any person can also join this possibility…on Sunday I purchased a top of the range McLaren F1 after I been earnin $21683 this past month .it is truly the best work but you could no longer forgive yourself if you do not view it.!ix673i:=>=>=> http://GoogleInternetSunEasyTechJobsOpportunities/easy/jobs ♥♥♥b♥♥♥a♥g♥♥z♥o♥o♥♥♥x♥♥♥l♥i♥♥♥n♥♥♥n♥♥♥r♥g♥♥q♥c♥♥a♥♥♥u♥♥b♥♥♥y♥♥♥n♥♥♥e♥s♥♥n♥♥♥s♥♥y:::::!ox14r:lhuhu

  • Ghoti theLinguist

    Who does he think he is with that smirk, Fabio?

  • svejk

    “May all Courtland Sykes’s future daughters play field hockey.” be at practice at 5AM sharp! your father can drop you off on his way to work.

  • reelreeler

    Claire McCaskill was blessed with Todd Akin in 2012, looks like she might get another gift this year.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWpYQjuJ0u0

  • The Very Stable Librarian

    Ugh, what a slime ball. Even if he doesn’t get into the Senate (here’s hoping), any future daughters will have to contend with his misogyny.

  • SavageElbow

    Hell-Bent Feminist She-Devils is a GREAT name for a band.

  • laineypc

    Now tell us what you think about Black Lives Matter, I’m sure it’s fascinating.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      “Let me tell you what I know about the Negro…”

  • “Unpresidented” Linda

    I hope his daughters are all Lesbians. They’ll be happier, and it’ll piss him off. Win/win.

    • Trump’s Potemkin Village

      I just hope he can’t breed.

  • littlegreen

    Courtland and Chanel? This has to be parody. Please tell me it is.

    • harryr

      Given that her “art” is on a level with The Onion’s Editorial Cartoons, I feel that it must be.

    • Mary Stone

      Chanel Rion, if that’s not a porn actress name, I don’t know what is.

      No disrespect to porn actresses intended. They are fine people and thoroughgoing professionals. After all, one has recently scored the deal of the century (130K of Dolt 45’s money AND publicly humiliating him at the same damn time), but if Ms. Chanel Rion is actually a real person and not a RealDoll(TM), and she smiles brightly at Courtland’s ideas, then she deserves what she gets.

  • LadyWoman

    And…this is…NOT a joke? Like…he’s a person? A person who exists? And interacts with other humans?

    • Miss Tessmacher

      I’m still not convinced he isn’t an actor and this is some weird…Idunnowhat

  • diogenez

    A new bio suggests that Norman Rockwell may have been gay: https://www.advocate.com/arts-entertainment/books/2014/01/15/was-norman-rockwell-gay

  • Monsieur_Grumpe
    • Ulricii

      Wow! That’s two weeks of cholesterol right there in a single serving. Whatta deal.

      • Mary Stone

        The best part? The can’s dented. Botulism, so much botulism.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      1170%….

  • Miss Tessmacher

    When I saw his picture I thought – he can’t be for real. What’s with the eyebrow? I actually went to his website, looking for some tiny print that said “ha ha fooled you.” Is he for real? Is it performance art? What’s he talking about with the snakey heads and Norman Rockwell and obey and whatnot?

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    These people seem … weird …

    Should I be surprised/concerned so much of the GOP has become a parody of the GOP?

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    I will go one step further.

    May all Courtland Sykes’ daughters play rugby and girls’ lacrosse and wear sensible shoes.

  • Mary Stone

    That ad. So. Much. Trump. Fellating. Good thing Courty-boy can take it deep and swallow. However, I did notice that in dudebro Courtland’s opinion, Senate has an obligation to be “loyal” to Donald Trump first, and America second.

    Voters of Missouri: Swipe left on this a$$hat’s tinder profile. HARD LEFT.

  • Ha! Caught ya! Ya ding dang dumb libel! Thar you are admitting that your real goal is marriage between people and anything! Advocating marrying a kitchen appliance right thar! Right thar in plain sight! Thought you’d slip that in there to further the cabal of destroying the Christian values of our nation. Ding dang dumb libels!

  • Preparation_🅰

    Button your shirt, fuckboi

    • Preparation_🅰

      Also have less stupid opinions about women and their role in society and their agency. Asschindick.

  • Dante Ardenz

    His mother must of been a fan of fiction millionare Palmer Courtland on ALL My Children , 37 ( he looks older ) years ago. Today’s Courtland is a parady of a grasping , begging clice of ” Conservative ” clice . His script a mish mash of garbage thrown.at the wall , and hoping some of it sticks .

  • Moar Wordz

    IDK, my Dad’s been making dinner since my Mom got sick of doing it twenty years ago
    Courtland seems nice !!!!
    What he didn’t say was he expected a blowie/swallow three times a week JUST LIKE HE WROTE IN THE PRENUP BITCH !!!!

  • pstokk

    “That was some weird shit.”

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