Let’s check in with our boyfriend Robert Mueller! Two long-read investigations have been published in as many days, about how the Mueller team and the FBI are looking at some FUNNY MONEY STUFF related to Russia and the 2016 elections. Are they smoking guns? We’re not sure, and as usual, we’ll have to let Mueller and his team of brilliant legal experts sort that all out for us. But we’ll summarize them, and if you want to read the whole things, like they say on blogs, you are invited to do so!
Did Russia Launder Trump Some Donations Through The NRA? MAYBE!
McClatchy has the goods on this one:
The FBI is investigating whether a top Russian banker with ties to the Kremlin illegally funneled money to the National Rifle Association to help Donald Trump win the presidency, two sources familiar with the matter have told McClatchy.
FBI counterintelligence investigators have focused on the activities of Alexander Torshin, the deputy governor of Russia’s central bank who is known for his close relationships with both Russian President Vladimir Putin and the NRA, the sources said.
Now, everybody seems to be totally OK with dark money in American politics now, BUT …
It is illegal to use foreign money to influence federal elections.
Remember how that Canadian tried to buy a Hillary Clinton T-shirt and James O’Keefe uncovered/created the conspiracy in flagrante delicto, which is why Hillary lives at Guantanamo now? This is like that, but even bigger.
WAY bigger, maybe:
… [T]he NRA reported spending a record $55 million on the 2016 elections, including $30 million to support Trump – triple what the group devoted to backing Republican Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential race. Most of that was money was spent by an arm of the NRA that is not required to disclose its donors.
Two people with close connections to the powerful gun lobby said its total election spending actually approached or exceeded $70 million.
You know about Alexander Torshin. He’s a former Russian senator and current criminal money laundering mafia spy type — he’s under investigation by the Spaniards for money laundering right now! — and he just happens to LOVE the NRA. Indeed, he’s a life member, and he’s buddy-buddy with former NRA prez David Keene. Torshin tried to get Donald Trump to come to the 2016 NRA convention in Louisville in 2016, which is just a totally normal thing for a Russian mob guy to do. But though Torshin moved on that plan like a bitch, he couldn’t get there because Jared Kushner accidentally hit the “fuck you” button on that particular email chain of potential Trump-Russia collusion. He did get to Pussgrab ‘n’ Chill with Don Jr. during a dinner at that convention, though Junior’s lawyer says nuh uh, Torshin and Dipshit just breathed heavily on each other in the buffet line and then Junior got his macaroni and cheese and NEVER SAW THE RUSSIAN AGAIN.
Torshin also used to employ a Russian-American spy lady named Maria Butina, who arranged a weird NRA delegation to Moscow in December 2016 (David Clarke AKA the Snowflake Sheriff got to go!), sponsored by her group The Right To Bear Arms, which JUST HAPPENED to coincide with the RT gala where Vladimir Putin and all his pals dined with Michael Flynn and Jill Stein. (Stein claims she didn’t talk to anybody that night, because the Russians didn’t speak English, even though they totally speak English. Michael Flynn, who used to sign his letters “Misha,” and no we are not kidding, is a cooperating witness in Mueller’s investigation. LOL!)
Anyway, Mueller and the FBI are up inside Torshin’s ass right now. Let you know how everything comes out!
What The H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks Are All These Weird Money-Laundry-Lookin’ Transactions With The Russian Ambassador Right Around The Election?
Buzzfeed has a highly detailed look (with charts!) at a bunch of really weird money transactions that happened around the 2016 election, involving the Russian embassy and former Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak (who met with EVERYBODY in the Trump campaign apparently, mostly about lifting Russian sanctions and probably pot pie recipes, we bet). Mueller and the FBI reportedly have their noses all up in this shit too, because Mueller has always been following the money.
For instance, Mueller’s posse is looking at transactions like these, which we are translating from BUZZFEED BORING into WONKETTE WACKY (posts about money are fucking boring to write and we have to amuse ourselves/you somehow):
- Sergey Kislyak got a VERY SPOOKY $120,000 payment from the embassy 10 days after the election. Why he get that? What he do with it?
- SOMEBODY tried to get $150,000 out of the bank using the Russian embassy’s ATM card five days after Trump was inaugurated, but the bank said fuck off. Who that was? Why they do that?
- A bunch of other weird shit that looks like money laundering, and that may/may not be directly related to the election, including $2.4 million in payments to some guy who sounds like the Russian-American version of Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor (he owns little bitty “home improvement” companies). Surprise, all those payments immediately went POOF! into thin air the second Tim (or AL) got his hands on them.
Buzzfeed looks at all these things in exhaustive detail, so if you like getting exhausted reading stuff like that, knock yourself out!
As we said above, it’s not that this is #smokinggun material — maybe, maybe not! They’re just all transactions that have been flagged as “weird” and sent to the Treasury Department’s FIN-CEN division. If there is a smoking gun in there (or MANY OF THEM), Robert Mueller, who happens to have some of the finest money laundering experts in all of US America on his team, will surely figure it out and put them all IN JAIL.
And if any of that intersects with the campaign to elect Donald Trump president? LOL OMG TRUMP, U R FUCKED.
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