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George Booth always makes us think nice things.

So we already had the story about Donald Trump allegedly paying hush money to a performer in “adult movies” (a category that really should cover how-to videos on home repair and doing your taxes). We already nodded in agreement with the tweets pointing out that such a story would consume any other presidency, but for Donald Trump, it’s just the third weirdest thing this week. And we’ve already processed the fact that evangelicals continue to think Trump is the Maccabees’ knees. But this Spin piece about In Touch’s reprint of a pre-nondisclosure agreement interview with Stormy Daniels brings some seriously squicky thoughts to mind.

A frequent theme throughout the interview concerns Trump being taken aback by how smart and business savvy Daniels was, with Trump going so far as to tell Daniels that he wanted to put her on The Apprentice. One of Daniels’s quotes on the subject which In Touch published in the print edition of the story but not online, is particularly striking.

“We had really good banter,” Daniels told In Touch. “He told me once that I was someone to be reckoned with, beautiful, smart, just like his daughter”

Yep, it’s the old Ivanka’s so hot that if she weren’t his daughter, he’d date/bang her story, only now in the guise of Trump telling the actual person he was banging that she reminds him of his hot daughter. But only in terms of her business savvy, a shred onto which we will hold with all of our strength until we die.

What with brain bleach not actually being a thing that exists, Yr Wonkette, as a public service, would like to offer you seven things you can think about other than Donald Trump comparing his porn star paramour to his own daughter. You could add others in the comments, if only Wonkette allowed comments!

1) New Yorker cartoons. Try to remember some of your favorite New Yorker cartoons, maybe even the ones you laughed at! We are particular fans of George Booth and his goofy-looking dogs, mustachio’d men in sleeveless undershirts, and dotty hausfraus! Think good thoughts about a pussycat, if you can. No, do not think of Donald Trump calling his pornstar mistress “Kitten,” that is doing it completely wrong.

2) Is this dress blue or gold? That is a fun thing to think about! You could look up how the neuroscience behind it works, too — and to help you avoid thinking of Donald Trump imagining his very own daughter while sliding a strapless dress off his porn star chatelaine’s supple form, we will not even link to the neuroscience stuff so you will not think of such things.

3) Invent a new username for your online posts. It could be something breezy and media-insidery, like “If Axios Summarized Tolstoy,” or maybe a phrase from the current news, like “Shithole ShitShow In The Shithouse,” or “God Don’t Let Me Think Of Trump Lusting After His Daughter.”

4) Consider a favorite philosophical paradox. Think back to that freshman philosophy class you had to take because you needed the credit even though it wasn’t even related to your major. Try to remember some of the great philosophical conundrums like Zeno’s Paradox or Hempel’s paradox. Or why Donald Trump would be foolish enough to have sex with his porn star moll, to whom he compared his daughter, without even wearing a conundrum.

5) Enjoy this classic Edward Gorey cartoon!

Just don’t let yourself think of Donald imagining his daughter Ivanka while having mediocre sex with his porn-star mistress, who went by the pseudonym “Stormy Daniels.” Remember that he imagined her to be a financial genius like Ivanka, not bangable like Ivanka.

6) Try to recite some tongue twisters real fast! Try these amusing tongue twisters to keep your mind occupied! This one can become a little naughty if you don’t say it carefully!

I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits.

This one is twisty and especially made for Wonkette readers!

How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

Or how about this one? It’s tricky!

Eleven benevolent elephants.

Sort of makes you wonder how the Republican party could embrace a guy whose family values include embracing his own daughter as if she were his porn star doxy, doesn’t it?

7) Cute animals and great literature! Go find photos of adorable animals and then add captions from great literature to them! You could be a big hit on Twitter!

Oh, and the porn star he was fucking reminded him of his daughter. Humbert Humbert never did THAT shit.

We hope you have found this an amusing and worthwhile distraction, one which helps you avoid any and all thoughts of Donald Trump mentally undressing his daughter, whose business acumen really got him hot under the proverbial collar.

Which he never wore while having sex with his porn star inamorata.

This kitchen floor isn’t going to lie on itself, so we’re knocking off early and this is your OPEN THREAD.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click here to send us money to keep us writing for you, which is the opposite of paying off a porn star to not talk about her affair with Donald Trump. And she reminded him of his daughter.

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  • James Baskin

    And he called her Honey bunch. Honey – fucking bunch. A porn star.

    • RickyG

      Sounds like something a dad might call his daughter…

      • H0mer0

        [cue barfing troll]

  • SDGeoff3

    Thanks. I’ll get all my Edward Gorey books out. I used to be able to recite the entire Gashlycrumb Tinies. Maybe I’ll work on that again.
    Let’s see…A is for Amy, who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil, assaulted by bears…

  • armed_bears
  • Bobathonic

    Thanks, Dok, I learned an old word (doxy)! I hardly even recall how Trump compared mattress-back to his lap-sitting daughter.

  • Dutchman
  • BadKitty904

    I love George Booth’s cartoons. Just sayin’…

  • Gorillionaire

    Stormy Daniels looks to me like a potential Fox & Friends star.

  • Reddishrabbit

    In one way I truly hope the pee tape doesn’t exist because none of this will work.

    Maybe a nice whiskey on the rocks.

  • Michael R
  • bbayliss

    The responses to this are golden.
    Porn star Stormy Daniels to ‘In Touch’: Trump said I was “just like his daughter”
    https://twitter.com/SPIN/status/953698751641804800

  • FukuiSanYesOta

    Welp, after that, I believe it to be time for a drink.

    “There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the
    comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt
    the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness.”

    https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3853/15141309596_f418d665c0_b.jpg

    • wide_stance_hubby

      America’s grief hole is going to need some major happiness to fill it.

    • Kateaux

      I don’t quite know what, but something about that picture makes me think of the Doctor (everyone’s favorite Gallifreyan, that is).

  • maxneanderthal

    Par for the course really. Old pimping and procuring habits from Little Doniez night club days in NY, die hard…

  • kareemachan

    I slit a sheet
    A sheet I slit
    Upon a slitted sheet I sit.

    • maxneanderthal

      I’m not a pheasant plucker,
      I’m a pheasant plucker’s son,
      And I’m only plucking pheasants,
      til the pheasant plucker comes…

  • Indiepalin

    Banter ?!? I never met her !!!

  • lucidamente
  • BadKitty904
    • wide_stance_hubby

      Perhaps the sickest thing there is her expression. She was clearly already savvy to how being his daughter works. By comparison, Tiffany always looks like the passed over girl.

      • Ling Ling

        Has to be something in the bibble that makes incest legal. Keep digging.

        • Red Bird

          Lot and his daughters. Just saying.

          • Lancelot Link

            Genesis 19:30-38.

          • Werewolf

            Umm, no. That’s not an endorsement of incest-it’s a slur against Ammonites and Moabites.

    • Tiffany de Houston

      There is no freakin way he hasn’t molested her.

      • BadKitty904

        That’s just not normal, when viewed over a period of years.

    • GlazedHaim

      Let the record show that she at least tried to call for help.

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      Awww…
      Her old face.

      (Btw, as a female, let me just say that I HATE being held in a headlock like that!)

      • BadKitty904

        Her human face. Before she morphed into her current form.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
  • Rasilom

    Tounge twister that quickly becomes NSFW

    “I slit a sheet a sheet I slit upon the sheet I slit I sit”

    Try that one 10 times real fast.

  • JaveyDay

    *DJ Ivankadonk drops the fresh verse*

    I Am Complicit
    In all that Daddy Does.
    You’ve seen the pictures
    I don’t care what you think of us
    I am his Princess and his Kingdom will be mine
    But for now I launder money through my jewelry line

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • Rasilom

      That cat looks like my own little bastard. Dog damn I loves me Tuxido Cats!

      • Kateaux

        Tuxedos are the best. I really miss my girl Spidey.

        • Rasilom

          My guy Stryder is amazing. He loves to go for rides in my pickup. We have camped at the beach. His attitude on meeting new people? He walks over informs them they may pat the Royal head then digs in there stuff to see if a treat might be had. I honestly think he is a dog in a cat suit.

        • SpideySenser

          But of course! Sorry you’re at point in time where you miss her. Lost my beloved Browser almost 2 years ago, still a mess over it, had him for 16 years. Real trooper, that one.

    • BadKitty904
      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        If it fits in sits.

      • Rasilom

        I’m going to just go over…. Never mind it’s nap time.

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        You have the best cat pics!

        • BadKitty904

          I spend WAY too much time on Goggle Image…

          • wide_stance_hubby

            So we don’t have to, thanks, BK!

  • Spurning Beer

    8) Watch some pornography!

    But not with schoolgirl skirts or stepdaughter stories. Or relating to business acumen.

  • BearGHAZI

    Thanks for all the ‘female companion’ synonyms

  • Paperless Tiger

    Who’s your daddy?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • RickyG

      “I’m afraid it will have to be completely wiped.”

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    The cold snap across the south has caused…sacrifices to be made.

    https://twitter.com/Da_Real_AG_/status/953349371801882624

    • BadKitty904

      These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures must be taken.

    • Rasilom

      She is a monster!!

    • Dutchman

      I’d just have to be late for work….

    • SDGeoff3

      You couldn’t just put it in a spray bottle?

  • JaveyDay
  • Martini A, very stable genius

    Here is a diversion for ya. Because I’m truly disappointed that we had no fake news awards as promised, I had to make up my own. Dok Zoom gets one, of course. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7bd48a8cb8b09d4772734293c2c89f975b10d46846a45b1b77704f85cbe92073.jpg

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      How many people tomorrow are going to be convinced Donnie did hand out awards but the “lie-beral media” ignored them?

    • bbayliss

      No awards???
      Who was the master of ceremonies, again?

    • Reddishrabbit

      I still can’t believe I had to cancel my Fakies Party. Spent way too much on food and drinks.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      It’s kind of ironic that the “Fake Awards” turned out to be fake.

    • rebecca

      martini, these are classy as fuck. have you offered me your design skills in the past? shouldn’t you email me and offer me them again?

      • Martini A, very stable genius

        It’s the toilet, right? That right there classes the whole thing right up.

        But yes, would love to be of service. Will email.

    • CripesAmighty
  • calliecallie

    I like to distract myself with musicals. So I googled 10 best musical numbers. But many of the lyrics/titles bring me back to Trump. Hey, Big Spender (Sweet Charity), You’re the One That I Want (Grease), Don’t Tell Mama (Cabaret), Sixteen Going on Seventeen (Sound of Music), the Hot Honey Rag (Chicago), All That Jizz, I mean Jazz (Chicago).

  • janecita

    Instead of thinking about Trump’s incestuous thoughts about his daughter, I’m going to think about the vacation that I just booked. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b3753d5adca596e3ab41f8639d99a100159e140fc6343388c4ef7588077f3cac.jpg

    • NIce! We’re gonna go later in February. Can’t wait!

      Have a very good time!

      • janecita

        We are going from June 18-29. Five days in Varadero, six days in Old Havana. It will be nice to show my kids where their mother comes from:-)

      • janecita

        What part of Cuba are you going to?

        • Well we will be booking last minute to save ourselves some pesos, and just going to a resort as we will be going with my mother, who is 80, and not up to “roughing it” any more. We’ve been to Cienfuegos, and Havana, Veradero, Playas del Este, Cayo Santa Maria, and a resort near Holguin.

          Yeah, we’re Canadians and we like Cuba.

          • janecita

            I’m Cuban, and I also like Cuba;-) Have lots of fun!

    • MynameisBlarney

      What is this thing “vacation” you speak of?

      • janecita

        I’ll take lots of pictures to show you.

    • SDGeoff3

      Habana!!

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • Ling Ling

      Meh. More blondes. A friend of mine teaches ESL, one of her students said to me “all look same”. Quite right.

      • BadKitty904

        And such poor dye jobs. I mean, damn, people, spend a few bucks and get a pro to do it!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Bottle blondes, meh.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Scooby

    All I can say is definitely DONT watch a Stormy Daniels video.

  • puredog

    “Eleven benevolent elephants.”
    Fake news. That’s not tricky; that’s super-easy.

  • Riggsveda

    Music is a great tranqulizer. I always loved Crash Test Dummies’ Keep A Lid on Things, for those immortal lines, “Who Put the Shithole in the Shithouse.”
    You did, baby. You did.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NDPi7vqplU

  • Blanche de Shambles

    Tongue twisters! That’s the ticket!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tciT9bmCMq8

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    OT but Amazon has the original MacGyver show for free on prime for seasons 1-7.

  • canes_pugnaces

    Melon must be installing extra locks on her doors.

    • Notreelyhelping

      She only needs one.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    That dress is still fucking blue I don’t care what you say.

    And I’m reminded of what I said during the campaign, re: Tiffany Trump (i.e. the Other daughter): Would it be more, or less, psychologically damaging to be the daughter that your dad *doesn’t* want to fuck?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Gold! It’s gold! I will be shouting that in my grave.

    • SDGeoff3

      And the brown trim is just wrong.

  • altleftjohn

    “Theodore Oswaldtwistle, the thistle sifter, sifting a sack of thistles thrust three thorns through the thick of his thumb”. And then he thought of his hot daughter.

    Nope, didn’t work.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    When do we get the “I’m the best sex guy you ever interviewed” tweet?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I remember Stormy Daniels. Really boring, generic performer with kind of a cold professional streak.* Even Trump’s taste in porn is bad!

    * If I recall, from, ahem, what some acquaintances have relayed to me. Never watch the stuff **

    ** My story and I’m sticking to it.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler
      • janecita

        New season coming soon!

        • Arolpin

          It can’t come soon enough for me. I think it’s time to start re-watching last season to prepare.

        • SDGeoff3

          Hooray!

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Ted Cruz has better taste in porn. (A phrase I never thought I would ever say)

      • Martini A, very stable genius

        Damnit, I was just asking this same question. Outta my head!

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Philosophical question: given the publicly-available sample points, who has more blowful taste in porn: Ted Cruz or Dotard Trump?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I never tracked down whatever that was that was linked to Cruz. But I can’t answer it anyway because i don’t know what “blowful” means.*

        *I really want to know what it means, however.

    • puredog

      She’s boringly floppy.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • God I love Edward Gorey.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      A gift to the soul, he was.

      • SDGeoff3

        There’s an edwardgoreyhouse.org

  • SayItWithWookies

    I like the deep philosophical questions: could god make a daughter so hot he couldn’t help but bang her? Oh, hell.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

    Yet another subject to think about https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/971c65bd10956f253004c6dd041d6c24e8c1e536e56f33e01923368e8b491926.jpg beside Trump and his Ivanka lookalike pornstar friend.

    • Fire and Fury Demme

      Thanks!
      I love that one.

  • ArgieBargie

    “He told me once that I was someone to be reckoned with, beautiful, smart, just like his daughter”
    https://www.usmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/donald-trump-ivanka-trump-hug-105b10eb-16d2-4086-9564-83856240f11c.gif

  • Ambignostic

    The dress is blue, by the way.

  • Earl Of Sammich
    • puredog

      It’ll take more than a comma to fix the problem. A little word juxtaposition would do it.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    “We had really good banter,” Daniels told In Touch. “He told me once that I was someone to be reckoned with, beautiful, smart, just like his daughter”

    https://media.giphy.com/media/fDO2Nk0ImzvvW/giphy.gif

    • Victoria Ricola

      Honestly my reaction to this whole story. Better Americans than me can wade through this gross ass nightmare fodder.

  • GlazedHaim

    I initially saw the dress as blue, but today I see it as white. What I’m saying is thank god I don’t have a daughter.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    So yesterday I posted a Tweet showing that Republican candidate Danny Tarkanian altered a political cartoon to include incumbent Dean Heller. Today, the artist responds.

    https://twitter.com/smithtoons/status/953728153062490112

    • BadKitty904

      Then SUE HIM!!!

  • Gosala

    Dok, you are a wicked and underhanded man.

    • JaveyDay

      He’s a good man. Thorough.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    heh, heh, you said pussy (cat).

  • jaspersdad

    Iwanka. Isn’t that how Melania pronounces it?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You mean like “Nukleear Wessels?”

      • Bobathonic

        “Now THAT’S an earworm!”

    • Paperless Tiger

      As in, “Stop calling me Iwanka!”

  • MynameisBlarney
    • I think I’d rather eat flies than raisins.

      • bbayliss

        You probably have.

    • msanthropesmr

      Important safety concern troll tip.

      Raisins are poisonous to pups!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Grapes am too.

        • msanthropesmr

          Grapes are inflated raisins, I’ve heard.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Fake news!

            Akshally, they make grapes by over-watering raisin trees.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    I really am genuinely interested as to how Evangelicals will justify a supposedly godly man cheating on his wife with a porn star.

    Not whether they will, mind you, just how they’ll do it.

    • BadKitty904

      They’ll ignore it, like good cultists, as they have all his other grotesque, flagrant sins.

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        They already have. It wasn’t even a one-day story.

        • BadKitty904

          See? Just keep pouring ’em that Kool-Aid…

    • shivaskeeper

      Easy. God is using an unrighteous man to accomplish his righteous goals. Ineffable are the ways of God after all.

      They won’e admit he’s unrighteous until long after he is out of power though. Their gift of discernment will have failed them once again. In 10 years though, they will have never supported him.

    • DrBigHead

      You ask for forgiveness, then everything is fine. Then you do the same goddamn thing again, ask for forgiveness and you are fine. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. Don’t have to consider changing your behavior to begin with. That’s for chumps.

    • SDGeoff3

      They’re very adept at it themselves, so not such a leap.

    • Ellie

      They will claim he had a come to jeebus moment after that happened, I’ll bet.

    • A LITtle Annoyed, Yet ARoused

      The Dugger Defense.

  • doktorzoom

    Also, regarding the kicker hed, while I was mostly just trying to make people get an annoying earworm song in their heads, it also occurs to me that “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” is also about a man contemplating an affair, possibly with a porn star whose business acumen reminds him of his daughter’s tits.

    • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

      But the man in the song “has half a brain.”

      • msanthropesmr

        No, she wants someone with half a brain. Obviously, he’s not it, since she put the ad out.

        • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

          “Hey dear, anything exciting happen today?”
          “Not much. Although . . . I almost got into a debate about the lyrics to “The Piña Colada Song” with someone in the Wonkette commenting section.”

          • msanthropesmr

            Almost? Almost – THE DEBATE IS ON…

          • elviouslyqueer

            GET A ROOM, YOU TWO.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Good heavens, there are Rupert Holmes fans here?

    • msanthropesmr

      You lost me. I though it was about the weather in California.

    • Professor Fate

      “Joel what’s the deal with the Pina Colada Song?”

      • everstar

        Damn it, you beat me to it. I was just about to go find the video.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      My angel is a centerfold libuhlz!

    • coozledad

      I always thought of it as a song about people who were indifferent to sand in their mucous membranes.

  • Red Bird

    And I’m out of wine. Gah!
    Anyway, we all know why Trump’s scandals aren’t scandals with the “conservative” crowd. Because when one is sailing through a deadly storm, any port will do….any port will do, captain.

    • Brian Fowler

      As long as it isn’t staffed by socialists, or blahs, or muslins, or messicans…

    • WomanInThePersistence

      You have my most sincere condolences.

    • SDGeoff3

      Port’s a little heavy this time of day. Pick up one of those boxes of Pinot Grigio we like.

      • Red Bird

        It’s almost 5 here.

  • bbayliss

    ” Bannon admitted that he’d had conversations with Reince Priebus, Sean Spicer and legal spokesman Mark Corallo about Don Junior’s infamous meeting with the Russians in Trump Tower in June 2016.”
    https://www.axios.com/steve-bannon-congress-testimony-inside-room-e30bd797-3720-44f0-bf32-5760cb6882e9.html

    • Ryan Denniston

      Ah, Junior, you can’t spend your whole like worrying about your mistakes.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOXtWxhlsUg

    • BadKitty904

      Mueller & Co. must be ordering note pads and blank tapes by the box-car load…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

    YOU MONSTER

    • SDGeoff3

      Finally. Someone said it.

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Mr. Blobfish
    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Whatever, look like a shithole to me.

    • Ling Ling

      I’ll take “geography for Americans” Alex.

    • SDGeoff3

      I want one.

    • Lyly Sirivong

      A few years ago, my father, who was born in Ban Kang, Laos, received a letter from the ministry of interior about getting his driving license points back.
      And in the top left corner of the letter, there was my father’s name, his date of birth and the place where he was born : Ban Kang (Niger).
      I don’t think he ever called to have the mistake corrected.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      There needs to be a series. Seal with the picture of an elephant. Parthenon with the pyramids. Etc

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Old Russian Joke:

      “If you see a tiger in the zoo in a cage labeled “Water Buffalo”, do not believe your eyes”

    • so close.

    • SpideySenser

      The derp…I can’t even (Full disclosure, I am a geography geek).

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Republicans gave free reign to their racist idiots to fight the Obama presidency. What did they think would happen when Obama’s time was up? “We’ll let them spew hate and conspiracy theories for eight years, then we’ll get Jeb Bush in and go back to normal.” Great plan you fucking geniuses.

    • BadKitty904

      Plan?”

    • shivaskeeper

      So far they have kept them mostly in check by keeping them focused on Obama, still. At some point that is going to be of diminishing effectiveness. Then the base turns on them too.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Opiwan

      *thwacks Blarney with newspaper*

      NO! BAD, BLARNEY! NO!

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    I thought of a tongue-twister of my own: “What a sick fuck.” (It works if you repeat it quickly over and over; it works best if you say it to his fat face).

  • kindness

    Trump is a fat perv. And usually I have not problems with pervs. Except I do have the 1) Consenting adults & 2) No critters rule. Trump breaks both those rules.

    • Paperless Tiger

      What did he fuck now?

      • Rasilom

        Well a Secret Service detail was just see leaving a local goat farm….

  • Major^3 Andre
  • arglebargle

    “Trump is the Maccabees’ knees”

    I Sadducce what you did there.

  • cmd resistor

    https://www.orlandoweekly.com/Blogs/archives/2018/01/16/cress-restaurant-will-host-dinner-featuring-cuisine-from-donald-trumps-shithole-countries
    Restaurant that did the dinner from the 7 countries in the original travel ban.
    SH!TOLE:Celebrating the Food & Culture of Shithole Countries
    Sunday, March 25th, 4-6:30 pm
    Street Event on West Indiana Avenue, DeLand
    We stand in solidarity with the people, culture, and food from Haiti, El Salvador, and the continent of Africa. We are proud to showcase a family-style meal inspired by these regions. We are not serving or selling alcohol because this is an event on the street. However, the event is BYOB so we encourage you to celebrate with your favorite beverages. A portion of the proceeds will benefit an appropriate cause that aligns with the theme of the event. Menu (coming soon)

    • Courser_Resistance

      How awesome!

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Well, that’s just eeeewwww….

    Bigly

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      I don’t know what I’ll need to do to purge that image from my memory buffer. But it will need to be intensive.

  • Thiazin Red

    Does anyone really laugh at a New Yorker cartoon though? A wry smile or light chuckle of understanding seems like the limit for those. None of them are funny, but getting it can make you feel smart and cultured.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Just change the punch line to “Christ, What an Asshole” and they are all great. Except for the one about “How about Never, is Never good for you?” That one is perfect. And “Fusili, you crazy bastard!”

      • Mormos

        the aristocrats!

      • altleftjohn

        “You may already be a wiener.”

    • altleftjohn
    • Professor Fate

      My favorite cartoon is an old Mother Goose and Grim strip where Pinocchio is lying in a hospital bed. There are holes all over his arms and legs. The police and medical staff are leaning in to listen to him as he describes his attacker: “It was a woodpecker” he says “a red haired woodpecker with a hideous laugh.”
      lost it moving but I keep looking.

    • Ellie

      I say it’s spinach and I say the hell with it.

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    Porn star. “Looks like my daughter”. “Chasing around in tighty whitys”. Blech.
    Shit, I never thought I’d feel sorry for Ivanka and Jared- wellI still don’t, but I do for their children. This is Grandpa, and they’ll hear about all of this growing up. And Barron is hearing about it right now, maybe.
    Who in his family thought it was a good idea to encourage this stupid, egotistical old man to run for President?

    • Mormos

      everyone who wanted to stay in the will

    • Mavenmaven

      Like he cares about them if he can’t bang them.

  • Beelzebubba

    Here’s Rick Perry “regulating” coal magnate Robert Murray, Texas style.
    https://static01.nyt.com/images/2018/01/16/us/00whistleblower4/merlin_132363590_27270eb3-9800-4400-b057-e2ed4a9c16a2-master675.jpg

    Murray brought along his wish list of exactly how he wants to be regulated, and Perry has been ON IT ever since. (Where do you think that horseshit “subsidize power plants with big piles of coal” scheme came from?)
    Perry didn’t like having the public know what fuckery he was up to, so he had the photographer fired. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/business/rick-perry-energy-photographer.html

    • BadKitty904

      Spread it around, people, spread it around…

      Your Tax Dollars Not at Work

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Worst Gay Porn Scene of the Year.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • thewalkindude

    The Witches
    Author: Roald Dahl
    Year: 1983
    “It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like, so long as somebody loves you.” https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7cc9b9c012116a140b391f0e50088acbc676abb1aa0ceef2c764885e2b6a53eb.jpg

    • DrBigHead

      He’s just tasting him for later….

    • Opiwan

      FACE NOMS FUR ALL!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Are you a secret supporter of the face-eating Labrador party or something?

  • BreakingDeadMen

    (Oedipus Rex/Lolita)*Candy=Trump

  • msanthropesmr

    This is nuclear weapon brain chaser outer. Click if you dare

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mML2fPec7xU

  • Baconzgood

    OT.

    I’m at the drs. He said “you can’t eat bacon. You can’t smoke a pack and 1/2 of cigarettes a day. You can’t polish off a box of merlot every night. You need to join a sweaty gym where people wear spandex or grunt alot. You can’t yell at the TV news, or break a pool cue over some bigot’s head or even shoot up black tar heroine smuggled in from some Turkish dude’s ass”

    What the hell? He wants me to live longer but not have a life?

    Just take away my library card too why don’t ya.

    • SDGeoff3

      What did he say about weed and hard liquor? I don’t see a problem here.

    • DrBigHead

      No bacon! That’s why God made statins!

      • Baconzgood

        It’s a crime. “No more pork or yellow yokes” what does he expect me to survive on? Drawn butter shell fish and beef lard? Sorry Doc. I’m trying to eat healthy.

    • Roadstergal

      Obviously, you should have gone to Rear Admiral Ronny.

      • Baconzgood

        You’re right. From now on I’m just going to pay physicians that tell me I’m healthy and I am the smartest most stable person in the world.

        (It took me a while to find a therapist that tells me that)

    • Crank Tango

      How does he expect it to get smuggled, pray tell?

      • Baconzgood

        Doctors never think of the world economy. In fact, get this, he wants me to stop taking prescription pills for recreation. Like there is any other reason to take Rx pills.

        And I thought this dude went to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. But NOOOOOO he went to some bull shit medical school at the Boston University.

        Like anyone heard of BU. They dont even have a good football team

    • puredog

      Aye, that’s the paradox. (Unless you only had one.)

      • Baconzgood

        No. The problem is I had a paradox last August. They still think it was a heart attack. How can my heart attack me. I didn’t go to the hospital for 3 days. Even Shan was pissed at me. But baconz said “it will pass, or I’ll be dead”. Women and doctors love “grey areas”. Now men, and I mean REALLY MEN (STEELERS FANS) know there are only 2 things in life. Positive/negative, Orgasm/pain, hot/cold, buyer/seller, smart/idiot.

        Did Evil Kenevil ever 1/2 jump somthing? No he either jumped it or was laying in a hospital for months.

    • Beelzebubba

      You won’t live longer … it will just seem that way.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      I’m not in the best shape of my life, but

      If you have one around, and if you have the time (at least 2 hours a week, preferably an hour a day)

      Fuck gym. Go to a pool. Especially if you can’t remember the last time you were in a gym. If you can maintain a consistent swimming schedule for two months, feel absolutely free to consider visiting a gym, and then say “fuck it” amd have a box of merlot and 2 boxes of bacon, on account you have just lost ALL OF the weight.

      I swear these motherfuckers fat-shame people into gyms just so they can make money off all the aches and pains people come in with later. It’s exactly how I got my hiatal hernia. Of course I will go back to working out eventually, but two months of pool _first_.

      • Baconzgood

        I’d swim but we owned a mahogany boat on the Mon in Pittsburgh. Swimming was either “work” or “GET THE FUCK ONTO THE BOAT BEFORE YOU GET SUCKED IN!!!!” After falling off deck in the locks. I can swim. Good…but avoiding it is something I’ve learned as a young child.

        • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

          Sorry to hear.

        • Werewolf

          I almost never go to the gym, but I ride my bike. A lot. 100+ miles a week if I can. My heart and legs are strong. Pittsburgh has a strong cycling culture-the Manayunk Wall is famous.

  • Shrieking Harpy

    A question, good Wonkers: Did the Carny-Barker-in-Chief hold his Fake News Awardsapalooza today? (I’ve been away from all media today.)

    • bbayliss

      No. Don’t know the excuse.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        There’s still prime time tonight. He’ll probably end up tweeting it live from the White House bathroom

      • thewalkindude

        Sarah Huckleberry says it’s now a “potential event”…

        • BadKitty904

          Not an “alternate fact”?

        • Beelzebubba

          Meaning it “might be real”. A step up from the usual manure she shovels.

      • OrG

        Cause he’s a lying fucking liar?

      • Beelzebubba

        Because his attention span is measured in minutes, he has no idea what idiotic point he was hoping to make when he invented the thing.

    • Ryan Denniston

      No, and it’s curious, as Trump would have won.

    • SayItWithWookies

      No, but if someone else puts it together, he’ll let his name be used for a small fee.

  • Shibusa
  • elviouslyqueer
  • Hither and Yawn

    The Northridge branch of the LA Public Library has a section designated “Adult Books.” I don’t think that’s the best way to distinguish them from the children’s section.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      I don’t understand
      Jackie Susann

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Valley of The Dolls could be YA fiction these days.

        • Ellie

          When I was a child, back in the dark ages, the head librarian at my local library decided that science fiction was for young readers. That’s how I ended up reading Lovecraft at age 10 – not to mention many other very interesting books.

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        “Oh the collected works of Jacqueline Susann. The novels of Harold Robbins…”
        “Ah, the ‘giants’.”

  • msanthropesmr
  • Martini A, very stable genius

    And presenting the next award, please give a warm welcome to DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen and 2020 Presisential Candidate Lorax: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6fbbc32c403845fa2594eab9b27afe7813ab2807c2f08b94dc9fae91c6f0acb1.jpg

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Need to see who wins the “lamest dick joke” award.

      • SDGeoff3

        It will be a non-commenter for sure.

      • Beelzebubba

        Lame dicks are no laughing matter.

        • FlemmishSpy

          Agreed – don’t engorge him.

        • proudgrampa

          There’s a pill for that.

      • SeriousSummer

        Donald John Trump for “Dickie” Durbin.

    • rebecca

      I AM STEALING NOW.

      • Martini A, very stable genius

        Yay!

      • puredog

        As you should.

    • It looks like Wonder Woman is about to come flying out of that toilet.

    • Rick Hill

      Most unfair, vulgar and biased? So, she wasn’t able to get past the workplace firewalls to look at any right wing sites?

    • Courser_Resistance

      Things have just passed a level of absurdity I can’t even contemplate.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      I cannot wait to wear my best “beer” stained whitey tighties at the awards ceremony.

  • leemoder
    • Werewolf

      Schmebulock!

  • Opiwan

    There is not enough vomit on the planet for me to express my feelings about this entire subject

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    4) Consider a favorite philosophical paradox.

    Major boner kill, don’t do it.

    Lady boners too.

  • Nounverb911
    • Roadstergal

      That’s actually less bourbon than Steve might think…

  • Roadstergal

    So – where’s the Trump tweet accusing a Democrat of fucking their own daughter?

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      “Chelsea Humping Hillary”?

  • JaveyDay

    For my 999th post here at Wonkette.

    Where is Your Humanity

    You throw stones at the broken
    And steal their futures
    And the wounds that you open
    Can never be sutured
    Yet it’s never enough
    No matter how much you hoard
    As your fortune swells
    By whip and by sword
    The greed that runs through you
    Compels you, consumes you
    Tendrils of darkness
    That slowly entomb you

    Your dreams are rapacious
    As you plunder our planet
    Your schemes so audacious
    No doubt that you planned it
    No doubt of your motives
    Of unbridled greed
    Yet no fortune can fill
    Your insatiable need
    And our dreams of equality
    Of justice, love and peace
    Fall prey to your enmity
    To the feeding of your beast

    You are the other
    In your unassailable tower
    With your weaponized wealth
    You wage war for more power
    Your symphony of avarice
    As you summon more riches
    A cacophony of ignorance
    Try to silence us to your wishes
    But your wishes are laid bare
    For all the world to see
    Will you try to blind us all?
    Try to steal all our dreams?

    • WomanInThePersistence

      One more! Even just to say hi!

      • Wackyland Radio Resistor

        It’s always fun to watch the odometer roll over!

  • Shibusa
    • Ellie

      Nothing like good old pork parts.

  • cmd resistor
  • BadKitty904
    • Roadstergal

      The Audacity Of NOPE.

  • Nounverb911
    • msanthropesmr

      Dumbception. We’re living this.

    • Ling Ling

      That will unsettle a certain demographic.

    • James Baskin

      A comedy? I hope?

  • gene108

    I am still wierded out by the RNC Convention, when Trump started groping Ivanka, before giving his acceptance speech.

    If he had that little self-control on national T.V., with every major network having cameras rolling, I can’t imagine what he was like in private.

  • canes_pugnaces

    I not suggesting, well I am, but I’d like to not be, what I’m saying is, is it possible that Donny and Ivanka… you know? OK, I’m going to throw up.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Well we know he’s not gonna read a fucking book, or like, even a memo.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Oh please, just no.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Yes. He’ll hate it so much. His incompetence and dysfunction being re-enacted on television. For all those who don’t read.

    • Bill D. Burger
      • JaveyDay

        He does like money.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Is the TV series SNL?

    • MynameisBlarney
    • Lyly Sirivong

      Who to play Trump ?

      • harryr

        Is Max Schreck still alive?

    • DrBigHead

      I’m serious this time. If this is true, our society is so far beyond repair, that the light from repair will take 1000 years to reach us.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      It’s a sitcom!

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        Shitcom is more like it. The Worst Wing.

    • CripesAmighty

      How they gonna cast this thing?Too bad Werner Klemperer and John Bannon aren’t around anymore.

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        John Barron is, though.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Seven Things To Think About That Are NOT Trump Comparing Porn Star He Banged To His Daughter Ivanka

    Why would you do that to us? WE WERE NOT THINKING ABOUT IT AND YOU PUT IT ONTO OUR BRIANS!@!!!!!

  • Crank Tango

    Not to think too much about it, but does she admit to having fucked him for free?

    • puredog

      “I don’t fuck fossils for free.”
      — withering line delivered by nubile young’un to overreaching would-be older stud-muffin in the multiple Academy Award-winning saga Hardbodies.

      • Crank Tango

        LOL I remember that! He made it into a song, right?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        That assumes his schlong (to use his word) is a fossil.

        I’m guessing, more like a noodle.

  • this just makes me want to go play violent video games. and this also, too. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9c54d59296b7ed3c669cf579bdc3373eb93e2a7ee8a647b0ef6f30a4d9bc77c6.gif

  • Shibusa

    When all else fails…pandas!

    https://youtu.be/r8B-RuJRI2A

  • MynameisBlarney
  • BadKitty904

    I’m becoming seriously alarmed by just how many of these pics are out there…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/01a652fd7449ad20dce1a7418facb2cab98ac9e6197071a7f49fefddc69dc99e.jpg

    • Ryan Denniston

      Jesus. His hair has been that bad for awhile.

      • BadKitty904

        It’s Mob Couture, like the ready-made bowtie.

      • cmd resistor

        Aside from the comb-over aspects, I am reminded of the days when my kid was in middle school and every classmate that walked by, I wanted to say, GET A HAIRCUT. And I grew up in the 60’s/70’s, nothing against actual long hair. Even now he always needs a trim in the back.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Dont forget this one during a Beach Boys concert at Mar-a-Lago.

      http://staging.snopes.com/app/uploads/2016/09/ivanka-trump.jpg

      • DrBigHead

        GODDAMNIT!!

      • JaveyDay

        The guy on the right is all of us. Looking at him like, “Seriously, you disgusting old lecherous turd?”

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          It is someone who willingly paid to be at Trump’s trash palace. So he might be thinking “Is it my turn next?”

          • JaveyDay

            You know. I had that thought as well. But I decided to stick with my original thought.

          • Wackyland Radio Resistor

            Aw Javey, the moral high ground, is it nice up there? (Tee hee, just poking you, congrats on your 1,000th post! You’ve become rather prolific in your short time here so far, yay!)

          • JaveyDay

            Yeah, I may need to take a break. I have non-work that isn’t getting done because of my non-commenting.

          • Wackyland Radio Resistor

            Nah, stick around and multi-task with your snarking! I wasn’t trying to comment-shame you, lol, my overall productivity goes down also too when I non-comment all day. But I like that pants are frowned upon around here. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/de45bc5993e93b6dc056b96a82f1e68950af5ec24e5d3b533846eaf02ae5d860.gif

      • efoveks

        After a certain age, that is to say about the age of 10, it is no longer appropriate to sit on Daddy’s lap.

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        Dollars to donuts Mike Love thought it was a hoot.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Like poor Tiffany needs to be reminded over and over why she will always come last.

    • Wackyland Radio Resistor

      This one is the most horrifying to me since his hand is inside her shirt.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        She looks a bit Little Miss Sunshine Pageant there.

      • Werewolf

        Lordamercy, I just noticed that! (Throws up in mouth). BTW, my daughter is about that age, and I would NEVER put my hands on her like that.

    • cmd resistor

      Ugh, and I thought I had seen all of them.

      • BadKitty904

        Me, too. That’s what’s so horrifying.

    • Thiazin Red

      Literally every picture of them together is like that.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      These pictures are seriously creepy.

      • BadKitty904

        And no one called Child Services?

    • MizzMazz

      JFC, who dresses a little girl like that?

      • BadKitty904

        A monster.

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      Goddam it, how old is she there– about 8? That poor sexualized little girl.

      • BadKitty904

        I’d love to hear the REAL story of those kids’ lives with their father. Every one of them appears “damaged”…

  • BadKitty904

    OK, that’s all the image-searching I’m going to do on THAT topic.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I’m not sure if I want Stormy Daniels to do my taxes.

    How am I going to explain the sudden deposits of 130 thou + out of nowhere?

  • As I distinctly recall, the reaction of myself and my brothers-in-law when my nieces started hitting puberty was not “I’d like to bang them,” but “I need to make sure the shotgun is cleaned and loaded.”

    • DrBigHead

      Going through that with my 15 year-old daughter. The shotgun part. Wanted to make that clear.

      • It’s the non-Trumpian reaction.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        My goodness. Is your daughter okay?

        • DrBigHead

          She is fine. Only a smartass joke about potential suitors and an overprotective dad.

          • Werewolf

            “See that girl? That girl is my world. And you should know-I don’t mind going *back* to prison.”

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        “Come on in, boy, sit on down
        And tell me about yourself
        So you like my daughter, do you now?
        Yeah, we think she’s something else
        She’s her daddy’s girl, Her mama’s world
        She deserves respect, That’s what she’ll get
        Ain’t it, son?
        Hey, y’all, run along and have some fun
        I’ll see you when you get back
        Bet I’ll be up all night
        Still cleanin’ this gun.”

  • Wackyland Radio Resistor

    Fiona Cookie has nothing to do with Trump banging a porn star that looks like his daughter. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/43e0691cb3e838d8696f50353695e7cb8392eb222039306c6e5134297a9d0636.jpg

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      You ordered the cookie? How is it?

      • Wackyland Radio Resistor

        It’s adorable!

  • Paperless Tiger

    Trump must have a bucket list of All the Scandals.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    3) Hump Dogbane

  • Bill D. Burger
    • puredog

      It looks kind of cold in that room. Maybe I’m wrong.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Or somebidy’s excited! Perky nips….just sayin.

    • cmd resistor

      I hate that photo.

    • gene108

      Whose the black haired bimbo on the other arm? Must be weird for a kid to be at a party, with dad and the bimbo he’s with for the night.

      Almost as weird as him kissing her like that.

      • cmd resistor

        Melania, I think. Seriously.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Lot of expensive surgical talent on display there.

    • Tiffany de Houston

      All three of them are so gross.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Ok, that leaves me two years to plan a quick trip to Bayeux.
    https://twitter.com/France24_en/status/953655442030280704

    • DrBigHead

      A recent analysis of the Bayeux Tapestry revealed the key reason for the Norman success. Not enough Saxon violence.

      I’ll show myself out.

    • Crank Tango

      I saw it once, it’s long.

      • SDGeoff3

        Are there a lot of ads?

    • proudgrampa

      Born on the Bayeux?

      https://youtu.be/wIjUY3pjN8E

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Oh dear, looks like they’re still mad about that whole Agincourt thing, aren’t they?

  • BadKitty904
  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • BadKitty904

      His sons do it, too, is all I’m sayin’…

    • DrBigHead

      None of them turn their backs on him either

    • elviouslyqueer

      Worst. Addams. Family. Reboot. EVER.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      wooooooooow Tell me that ain’t shooped

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        Its not shopped, its from one of the debates last year.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Not a non-deplorable in the bunch.

  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

    You can also edumacate yourself on the history and geneology of the Schitt family…

    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

    Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

    After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

    Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

    Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

    The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

    The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

    He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Yeah, I need some cute right this very second.

    https://youtu.be/iriBuIunNYM

  • Bill D. Burger

    The day Tiffany knew she would always be second in The Donald’s heart:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c54dfe8216fe1c501238187a9ab2d9dfeb5a81c5d6063ac8bfb81bf759e08879.gif

  • proudgrampa

    Wearing a Conundrum is my new Wonkette / Disqus handle (no, it isn’t).

  • Parakeetist

    I’ma frow upp.

  • Lyly Sirivong
  • JaveyDay

    Remember that creepy movie with Gérard Depardieu where his daughter pretended to be his girlfriend?

    Yeah.

    • BadKitty904

      Well, he and Turmp are shaped alike, sooo…

      • Timothy Watson

        They both also love Russia.

        Connect the dots, sheeple!

        • BadKitty904

          *I’ve* never seen the two of them in the same dacha at the same time…

  • Beelzebubba

    “FOR THE LOVE OF DOG, MONTRESOR!”

    For about the 50th time, that pic has cracked me up.

    • Wackyland Radio Resistor

      I snorted out loud at that one!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Oh, damn had to go back and see if that’s what it said. They really missed the boat, there.

    • DrBigHead

      Have to admit I didn’t catch that the first time through. Bit embarrassed by that because I am a longtime Poe fan and that is one of my favorites.

  • Ryan Denniston

    OT: who decided Meet the Press daily was a good idea and b) why the hell am I listening to it.

    • Wackyland Radio Resistor

      I’d be all for it if they gave Joy Reid the show and also the Sunday MTP slot on NBC.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      They kicked MTP off msnbc but kept her initials and gave them to Chuck “SuperHonkey” Todd

  • Squeegee

    I’d be curious if Stormy reported that hush money in her income tax returns.

    I wonder how she explained it to her accountant!!!

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Better call Saul. He had a whole mini course on Money Laundering 101.

      • Squeegee

        Technically it was just a gift but one she would have to pay gift tax on

    • Notreelyhelping

      Business development.

  • Mavenmaven

    Looking at that family’s genetics, I suspect some of this kind of thing has happened more than once in their lineage.

  • Mike Minden

    I need a shower, lots of lye soap, maybe some steel wool…..

  • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

    Dok Zoom is on fire today.

  • HarryButtle

    I am trying so fucking hard to stay on the wagon…..

    • Daniel Hooper

      Listen; I’m not saying you should fall off the wagon. I’m just saying, I don’t think many people will judge you if you did.

    • JaveyDay
      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Nah. Snakebite’s gonna get you regardless on about Day 30.

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        I got the card game at the office christmas party. It’s awesome, when you die you write your name on a tombstone with erasable marker

  • kaydenpat

    Or think of electing Democrats and flipping Congress in November and get up and do something about getting that done. #Resist

  • C4TWOMAN

    So I’m in this awesome covfefe shop, a converted church, and, sigh, I must have hit the busy day. I got a table, but not my choice, and there’s this disabled guy playing a game, but his disability makes him utter repeated sounds like a human metronome.
    It’s a good thing I’m just faffing about online and not trying to get real work done.

    /my first world problem

    • Hey, David Brooks occasionally scurries around in the coffee shop I hang out in. I’ll trade you.

      • C4TWOMAN

        I’m getting used to it. Don’t need my white noise app..

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Sounds like a great place.

      • C4TWOMAN

        It is actually. I just prefer less humans around. In this space me and a couple others would be perfect…heh.

        • DrBigHead

          Unfortunately coffee shops like that don’t stay open long.

    • Thiazin Red

      That would make me unable to work. I can not do in depth work level thinking if there is any talking, in person or from a tv/radio, or even music with lyrics.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Me too. Totally agree. But I’m just browsing interwebs before I continue to do some grocery shopping, so it’s all good.

        • Thiazin Red

          I do not understand how my boyfriend can write legal briefs while watching tv.

          • C4TWOMAN

            I feel you. When I write stories or whatever, I have the same needs. I can tolerate instrumental music at a low volume, white noise, or distant traffic/conversation. But I must know the source so I can consciously dismiss it.
            But my friend, who has more intrusive thought issues, can work with music playing or programs. I’m like WTF. That would never happen.
            Some of these people insist it’s just background noise to them, okay fine. I guess I believe them?

          • Thiazin Red

            Its different depending on what I’m trying to do. Logical thought process, studying or research? I need quiet. If I’m daydreaming I could tune out explosions.

          • C4TWOMAN

            Yup.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I was at a seminar the other day and there was an autistic guy who was compelled to explain every fourth thought the speaker was making. I have to say, the room, and the speaker, were really supportive of the guy. Didn’t make it any less annoying.

      (Also said tolerance gave me hope for America not even kidding)

      • janecita

        I stopped going to a yoga class because of that reason. The girl is really sweet, but I left the class stressed out as hell.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      Tourette’s I’m guessing. Or an autistic stimming. It’s a good thing it’s you there and not someone else with less patience or tolerance. It’s tough being different as it is without worrying that you’re going to meet up with some ‘roid-rage jerk who yells “shut up r*t*rd” or worse.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Also too that only makes the situation worse.
        K, now there’s another guy in a wheelchair… I’m getting an ,”outing” feel. I feel bad bit for the other guy, his head is lolling and I wonder if he’s annoyed too!

    • Wackyland Radio Resistor

      “Faffing” – I like that one.

      • C4TWOMAN

        It fell out of my vocabulary for years… watching Dirk Gently (the 2012ish original) brought it back.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      What a lovely use for a converted church

    • TJ Barke

      Why would you go out in public? It’s horrible out there.

      • C4TWOMAN

        They do seem to frown on not wearing pants….

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    As someone whose father took her to his mistress’ house for dinner while he was still married to said someone’s mother, and who then was verbally abused by the mistress’ son, who did not understand that said someone was a naive idiot who did not figure out what was going on until YEARS later and thought she was in on it…

    Yeah, been there.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Just. . . Damn.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        My father was a piece of work.

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    I have to say it again because my Scheuden is frauding so badly. This is the family that all of the spiteful old white racists said was going to bring class back to the White House.

    • BadKitty904

      But they spelled it “KKKlass”…

    • DrBigHead

      They are the same people who believe that gaudy shit at Trump Tower reeks class. It reeks, alright, but it ain’t class.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Nothing classes up a joint like a retired soft pr0n “actress” and her drain-circling john.

  • Thiazin Red

    So what are we reading to distract ourselves from this newest horror?

    Unkindness of Magicians is writing a lot of metaphorical checks right now, what with its promises of wizard politics, betrayal and crazy magic battles. We’ll see if its got the goods to cash them later. The tone is similar to something like The Magicians, but so far no one is as obnoxious as Quentin. I liked the Magicians series and I get that it was intentional, but damn Quentin could be too much sometimes.

    • JaveyDay

      I liked the first season of The Magicians but damn the second season was a hot mess.

      • Thiazin Red

        I read the whole series, but I still haven’t watched the show. Maybe someday I’ll just binge the whole thing. I do wonder how they can pull off book 3 on a SYFY budget though.

        • JaveyDay

          The Expanse on SYFY is awesome. Check it out if you haven’t!

          • Thiazin Red

            Thats a good point, The Expanse does look great.

    • DrBigHead

      Still working my way through Eco’s “The Prague Cemetery”. Not a good distraction, however. More of an unintentional commentary on the times. Much of the work focus on the forgery of documents to further conspiracy theories. The main character emphasizes the need to have a limited number of bogeymen. Only one if possible. Or you need to link closely link multiple bogeymen (i.e. liberals and dark-skinned people).

      • Thiazin Red

        I’ve read a few of his other books, but not that one. the conspiracy theory angle makes it sound a bit like Foucault’s Pendulum.

        • DrBigHead

          This one has an interesting angle. Speculates that all of th major conspiracies (Freemasons, Rosicrucians, Illuminati, etc). were the creation of a single individual hired by various groups in the early to mid 19th century to help foment discord.

          • bupkus231

            No doubt a Russian….

    • Crank Tango

      A history of the Haitian Revolution.

    • Raan

      I just started The Vaccine Race, about the boom in vaccine research in the 60s, and specifically the rubella/German measles vaccine.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        As a baby boomer child, it wasn’t unusual for a family to have a child who was developmentally disabled (they did call it retarded back then) thanks to rubella.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I have been reading a series by Diane Dunn about cat wizards who bend the rules of time and space. Regular cats do that anyway- just open the refrigerator door and watch them instantly appear out of nowhere

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Get the carrier out and watch them slip into another dimension.

    • janecita

      I just started reading “El Laberinto de los Espíritus,” by Carlos Ruiz Zafón. The last book on the “Shadow of the Wind,” saga.

      • Thiazin Red

        I so wish the cemetery of forgotten books was a real thing and that I could go there.

        • janecita

          You and me both!

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      I’m savoring every word and every picture of Walt Jacobson’s Leonardo da Vinci biography.

    • Tetman Callis

      The Litvinenko Inquiry: Report into the death of Alexander Litvinenko.

      What can I say? It works for me.

  • Ryan Denniston
    • janecita

      That sucks! Where are you?

      • Ryan Denniston

        Durham, NC. Supposed to taper off at 7-8. It’s pretty, but people here can’t deal with snow.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          Also, too Durham. Firefighter son said roads really bad, with wet, sloppy snow, lack of plows and idjits who think AWD solves everything. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d867b81fff150609abab7468ac1abb620d9dc78ffc20934e0043dae9aca1de9d.jpg

        • janecita

          We are used to the snow here, the plows have been going around since early in the morning.

        • Bobathonic

          Do they even *have* snowplows in NC?

          • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

            A few, hence the difficulty. They plow main thoroughfares first and get to other roads when they can.

          • Lefty Wright

            I live in central NC. I used to like going out driving during a heavy snow because there were no nuts out there. This includes driving in a regular two wheel drive car and all wheel drive SUVs. The nuts pop up the day after a snow. The drivers here are split into three equal groups. The ones who drive 5 to10 mph, stop at the bottom of a hill before deciding to try to go up it (and always fail, blocking the road), people who do know how to drive in snow (watch your speed, keep it safe for conditions), and the people in their jacked up four wheel drive trucks who think they can go 70 on icy roads and love tailgating. Most of the vehicles you see in ditches around here are four wheel drive. I have told many people that four wheel drive is great for getting you going, but no better at stopping you than a regular car. And all cars have four wheel brakes. I am retired now, so I just stay home and say fuck it.

          • vukojebina_MΩment

            Northern New York. Laundry pipes finally thawed out again. I hate this fucking Winter.

        • Rasilom

          I’m in Juneau AK. 40 degrees and sunny. What the fuck is wrong with this picture?

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    who did I task with making LORAX’s website not ugly as sin and why the balls is it not done?

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    RNC accuses Senator Booker of “mansplaining”. Booker ain’t havin’ that, no sir.

    https://twitter.com/CNN/status/953747367659913216

  • Bill D. Burger

    Doctor Ronny ~snicker~ is FOS:

    [WASHINGTON — Cardiologists not associated with the White House said Wednesday that President Trump’s physical exam revealed serious heart concerns, including very high levels of so-called bad cholesterol, which raises the risk that Mr. Trump could suffer a heart attack while in office.

    Dr. Ronny L. Jackson, a rear admiral and the White House physician, said Tuesday in his report on the president’s medical condition that Mr. Trump was in “excellent” cardiac health despite having an LDL cholesterol level of 143, well above the desired level of 100 or less.

    Dr. Eric Topol, a cardiologist at the Scripps Research Institute, disputed that rosy assessment. He said on Wednesday that the most alarming fact is that the president’s LDL levels remain above 140 even though he is taking 10 milligrams of Crestor, a powerful drug that is used to lower cholesterol levels to well below 100.

    “That’s a really high LDL,” Dr. Topol said, echoing the concerns of other heart experts who reviewed Dr. Jackson’s report. “We’re talking about a 70-plus-year-old man who is obese and doesn’t exercise. Just looking at the lab value, you would raise a big red flag.”

    He added: “I would never use the word excellent health. How you could take these indices and say excellent health? That is completely contradicted.”]

    Dr. Topol is, of course, absolutely correct. And there are other indicators for serious health concerns. And I’ll stop right there before I say something mean and the banhammer is headed my way.
    Thank yewwwww’!

    https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/us/politics/trump-physical-heart-health-cholesterol.html?smid=tw-nytpolitics&smtyp=cur

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      And the psychiatrists where I work we’re laughing about the MOCA.

    • JaveyDay

      “Can I be a Rear Admiral?”
      – Pence

      “No!”
      – Mother

      • Slamtundra

        She’s the admiral.

        • Bobathonic

          Upper half.

        • JaveyDay

          Pegged it.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      And then there’s his mental health. That stupid Highlights for Children puzzle from Canada didn’t prove at all that he isn’t a walking copy of the DSM.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Correct! The MoCA is only a brief cognitive screening tool and not a comprehensive exam. So for a physician to describe it as such is misleading and in this context, suspicious.

        The Fucking Moron displays multiple symptoms of cognitive dysfunction and dementia.

        • Suse

          As well as the underlying sociopathy.

          • BadKitty904

            Ma! Come dance with me!

      • Thiazin Red

        Its meant to be easy and something your GP can do during a regular physical. There are more in depth cognitive exams used for scoring dementia.

        • Lordpnut

          Exactly. It’s a quick screen meant to divert those with probable pathology to a more thorough analysis. It doesn’t mean “you good to go, bro.”

      • Scooby

        Trump was bragging he did it in only an hour. On the box it said 4-7 years.

    • SDGeoff3

      If he is on that potent a statin, it’s no wonder he doesn’t sleep at night.

      • Me not sure

        That and the caffeine from a 12 pack of Diet Cokes a day.

    • Ryan Denniston

      “He added: “I would never use the word excellent health. How you could
      take these indices and say excellent health? That is completely
      contradicted.”]”

      You’ve not been on the receiving end of Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

    • Me not sure

      The doctor is a naval officer. The President is his commander in chief. He was only following orders.

      • Bill D. Burger

        And Doctor Ronny’s diagnostic analysis is only slightly more acceptable than that idiot Bornstein’s was.

        • Me not sure

          It occurred to me that even though he was the doctor to two previous Presidents, he may have hated their politics. For all we know he may be a loyal Trump supporter to the core.

          • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

            Someone posted late last night that POTUS doesnt have to release his medical records and when they do they control what the Doctor says. So he may not be a Trump supporter and just doing what he was ordered to do.

          • bupkus231

            If that’s the case, that asshole is more wedded to his Navy career than any sailor I have ever met.

          • vukojebina_MΩment

            Rum, the lash, and sodomy is a helluva drug.

      • Scooby

        Rear Adm. Ronny Jackson Hoping to retire as Vice Adm. Ronny Jackson

    • IdiokraticKulturKommissar
      • H0mer0

        (young grasshopper has done well.)

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      I call shenanigans. How can the cholesterol get past all the shit and bile?

  • WomanInThePersistence

    I’m just saying, I don’t actually find “jokes” about sexual abuse funny.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Graveyard humor is kinda morbid also too.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Who’s joking? Someone nasty & vile

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      This is a fair point. Have to tread a thin line.

  • Baconzgood

    Now the test I feared for 2 months.

  • Gary Charound

    The dress is blue. All dresses are blue, because my kitchen table is not blue and not a dress. Obviously.

  • Me not sure

    They should check the North Korean cheerleaders that are bound for the Winter Olympics (Am I allowed to say Winter Olympics? Sue me IOC!) for weapons. This could be a sneak invasion. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0fbbb5762e55f2f262e7c852d39e8100e7d99de2d0f29187112402cf3a6a0672.jpg

    • TimResistit

      Fuchsia never ‘sneaks’.

      • Me not sure

        That’s exactly where the wily part comes in!

    • Ryan Denniston

      We can haz Robert Palmer?

      • Me not sure

        Might as well face it he’s addicted to dead.

      • Lordpnut

        Nice.

  • Impatient

    Flash of light and loud bang over Michigan … was a warning for the deVos family. Cut that shit out, or I’ll send targeted lightning (votes) next!

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      Canadian Heaven’s Gate. They’re bringing the rapture!

      • Impatient

        Had to look that up, to remind myself. Were they the folks who followed doG’s edict to all go to heaven in clean, new Nikes? Just taking a personal memory test.

  • Picabo
    • BadKitty904

      Can we depose Turmp on the same grounds?

    • JaveyDay
    • janecita

      To be fair 90% of Vegans are annoying as fuck.

      • SpideySenser

        More annoying are those fucking gluten people. I do not eat red meat but there is no need to fucking drag people (like servers) through your entire fucking dietary bullshit. Just eat what you can when invited to a dinner party. My nephew (by marriage) is Hindu and he is the stealthiest dinner guest you ever met. NEVER.BITCHES.ABOUT.A.THING. Just goes about his business having what works for him.
        I actually do sympathize with digestive issues, but dear FSM, stop torturing us at social gatherings.

        • Cornelius Fussbudget

          But, but, but…they’re “educating” those servers, don’t you know? Just trying to make the world a better place.

        • Werewolf

          OK, my sister actually has celiac, plus some food allergies, real ones. She gets picky in restaurants because she can get really sick if she doesn’t. That said, the people who don’t eat gluten because some movie star doesn’t *are* annoying (but my sister likes the fact that she has so many gluten-free options now).

    • Notreelyhelping

      I know a restaurant she would love! (Provided she’s cool with vegan baby butthole.)

      • Bobathonic

        And yodeling!

      • Lordpnut

        Evan’s “Vegan Butthole” piece stands near the pinnacle of trenchant social analysis, and any illicit comment to reference it merits an automatic upfist ’round these parts.

        • H0mer0

          as long as it’s ’round these parts, not an upfist in some of these tender parts

    • MANGO CRIMES

      oh dang I just posted this above, sat on it too long.

    • Maclare’s Bodega o’ Crap 🏪

      Seriously, she should worry about her kids first. According to the article, her kids don’t automatically become Swiss Citizen just because they were born there.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      They could deal with her bell thing but when she went after the pig racing….

  • Beelzebubba

    “But I am a Capon and you are a Montague.”

  • Shibusa
    • Ryan Denniston

      Angry black man works a lot better. We’ve road tested it. It works.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        I’m surprised the GOP went with mansplaining instead of upity.

      • Paperless Tiger

        I was really impressed with Cory there. He looked to be almost overcome with emotion, but he made his point. Did he say Nazi? Maybe not, but I sure heard it.

        • Shibusa

          And apparently Nielsen did some eye-rolling as CB spoke.

    • H0mer0

      what? as opposed to your fearless leader?

  • Ling Ling

    In 2018, nothing succeeds like lying. Lying is an art form even Mark
    Twain appreciated. Do the Democrats care enough to lie about everything
    from BMI to Clean Coal to Treason? No they do not. Obviously, the Democrats don’t
    care. Republicans get it. Not only do they care enough to lie, they
    care enough to lie all the time. It’s time we all quit criticizing
    these liars and appreciated them for the art they are sharing. Yaay
    lying Republicans! I get it and your argle bargle is welcome here.
    Bring on some more quality lies! Let your animal spirits run wild! Modest lies are timid, the bigger the whopper the better! Let the bright lights of Faux news spread your false message until puny truth and logic is extinguished! Onward!

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    I’m sure someone has already said this, but just on the off-chance that they haven’t:

    This one is twisty and especially made for Wonkette readers!

    How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

    YOU MONSTER!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Fredo being Fredo again….and he’s torched on Twitter:

    [Don Jr. attacks media in defense of his dad’s health, gets destroyed on Twitter

    Donald Trump Jr. lashed out in a series of tweets to attack the media over the recent results of his father’s physical.Robert Sobel Expert in News
    FOLLOW Published on: 16 January 2018]

    Sample:

    https://twitter.com/thomas_leyton/status/953428580108660736

    http://us.blastingnews.com/news/2018/01/don-jr-attacks-media-in-defense-of-his-dads-health-gets-destroyed-on-twitter-002295147.amp.html

    • C4TWOMAN

      Fredo is also the name of a Sketch Up plugin….I was very confused for a moment.

    • bupkus231

      Scott Adams? You mean this dilwad thinks the creator of Dilbert has the ability to make any trenchant political analysis? And he’s looking forward to what that asshole has to say?

      And where the hell does son-of-Rump know about “credibility”. Does he thinks that comes from having credit cards?

  • ken_kukec

    I should hope Ms. Daniels opted for double-conundrum prophylaxis!

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • Ryan Denniston

      Clearly, he is not a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That has done so much good for mankind.

      • Ling Ling

        More and more people are giving credit to Buffy. Great work. Bigly.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        Alyssa was in Charmed, Buffy was Sarah Michelle Gellar,

        • Ryan Denniston

          Whoops, you’re right.

        • GaseousAnomaly

          Absolutely correct!

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Didnt Trump say he wanted to get rid of immigrants who want to radically transform the US? Why are Gorka and Milo still here?

      • OutOfOrbit

        “for me not for thee”

        • mike

          Not if the me is not breaking laws. If thee is, thee should be stopped henceforth. Or, thee law should be changed if it isnt just or fair.

          • OutOfOrbit

            eggsackly

      • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

        FLOTUS also, too.

      • mike

        HE SAID ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS YOU LYING LIB. THEY BOTH IMMIGRATED LEGALLY, MORON. DID YOU KNOW OBOMA DEPORTED MORE ILLEGALS IN HIS FISRST YEAR IN OFFICE THAN TRUMP DID?

      • GaseousAnomaly

        They’re decoys, and we’re supposed to be the ducks.

      • GaseousAnomaly

        Why are the Drumpfs still here? Drumpf hid his “very good genes” while it looked like the Drumpf family ought to pretend to have “very good Swedish genes”, rather than “very good Nazi genes”, as is the case lately, and he don’t care. Who has what on the Doc?

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      I did nazi that coming

    • OrdinaryJoe

      She had me at “than”.

    • TJ Barke

      He has done exactly nothing good for america. At all. Even if he does manage to do something good for america, it will be accidental.

    • H0mer0

      She does a lot for me. And I’m straight. sorta.

  • MANGO CRIMES
    • MANGO CRIMES

      (didn’t see this had already been posted)

    • Blackest Noobs

      i would deny her too; vegans are fucking annoying.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Needz moar yodeling buttholes.

      • H0mer0

        “high on a hill was a lonely butthole,
        Lady oda lady oda ley hih ho”…

  • Bill D. Burger

    A much truer picture of The Fucking Moron’s health analysis.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTxofUpVwAAr1bB.jpg

    • Roadstergal

      Fake News! Dear Leader does not have visible deltoids.

      • Bill D. Burger

        I wuz’ kind. I’m just a kind guy.

  • BadKitty904

    Kden, that’s quite enough disgusting Republican filth for one day. Now, something to cleanse the mind and soul…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUL13KEeS4s

    • Ryan Denniston

      He is deaf. Most people don’t know that. And it’s great that he’s being more and more recognized everyday! Sorry, could not resist.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Yea! Have not heard that one.

      • BadKitty904

        Makes it almost impossible not to dance around the room!

    • altleftjohn

      My favorite for energizing.

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D8AaEE7hkLQ

      • BadKitty904

        Bravo!

  • Daniel Hooper

    Right; need alcohol on the way out of work today. Thanks for the reminder, Doc.

    Seriously, though, I’m on my co-workers shit list again because I dared to call her out when she whined about another coworker’s complaining, while she can’t go more than ten minutes without bitching about her problems. She thinks I don’t respect her because she’s older than me; I don’t respect her because she constantly puts down everyone, causes scenes in front of customers and is generally unprofessional. The fact she’s a vocal Trump supporter just makes her even more intolerant AND intolerable.

    • Pookabun

      Meanwhile I had to listen to my boss explain why he’s not a sexist even though he thinks sexist things but less now than before. Next round’s on me.

    • CripesAmighty

      They’re all drama toddlers. Even the 70 year old dudes.

  • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

    OK, so….the dress thing. The first time I clicked on this posting, it was white and gold. Then I opened another window over this one, and completed some paperwork. I minimized that window for a second to get to another window….and the dress was blue and black. Once I finished my real work, I refreshed this window….and the dress was white and gold again. And I just now scrolled up to check it again….and it’s blue and black.

    I believe I’m officially insane now.

  • Jenny
  • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

    #8 — Can we all just take a few moments to appreciate how lucky we were to have this marvelous lady in the People’s House for eight years? Today is her 54th birthday and a Happy Birthday is everything she deserves. Our Queen, forever and always.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZNWYqDU948

    • altleftjohn

      God save the Queen!

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!

        static2.businessinsider.com/image/514b06b7ecad040160000012-960/michelle-obama.jpg

        • SDGeoff3

          Nice.

    • Ling Ling

      I miss Michelle, but my Queen is Dr. Girlfriend.

      • Arolpin

        You mean Dr. Mrs. The Monarch I presume?

  • Lordpnut

    Absolutely perverse, Dok.
    Nice work.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Haven’t been able to buy books because every book I buy for the next couple months will have to be shipped again, across country, to my new residence in Florida. When I get there. Which is taking longer because I have to spend much time shipping books.

    • Bec Jenn

      Whenever I moved, books were the bulk (and heft) of my possessions. Wish you well on your move.

    • Me not sure

      Books in Florida? Novel.

      • BadKitty904

        Hey! Carl HIASSEN, OK?

        ‘Sides, I’ve got a 1,000+ books here in the house (to my husband’s growing alarm), not counting those in storage.

        • Me not sure

          I’m just an old kitty teaser, I reckon. I myself have a couple of signed Carl Hiassens and a signed Tim Dorsey on my own shelves, and don’t even get me started on the late John McDonald.

          • BadKitty904

            Ditto Hemingway, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, Zora Neale Hurston, et al.

          • Me not sure

            There’s a great small bookstore in Key West where I find tons of Florida reading. I hope to visit there again in April. That’s where I bought those signed editions.

          • BadKitty904

            Aw, truly? Y’all spend much time on the Isle of Bones?

          • Me not sure

            More in the past. When teaching we spent most of our spring breaks there. We haven’t been since my wife’s cancer diagnosis. We’re going back in April for old times sake. Time is kind of precious now.

      • Swampgas_Man

        No, mostly short stories.

      • Rasilom

        Very pun-ishing…

    • SisterArtemis

      As a person who’s just moved enough books to fill about 80 running feet of shelves, and still has another 40 to go…. sigh. I even reduced my books by about a third for this move.

      THEY ARE MY BABIES!!!!! WHY ARE YA’LL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT???!!!

      I also found these in my collection today: I think I will keep them, for Antiques Roadshow 2047. That Tetris disk is the one with English subtitles over the cyrillic original, 16 colors BABY!!!, 640×400 resolution!!!! Passed to me as shareware through an international network of 1980s student nerds

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/143c4c02aedc06ec4fdfe5cd863c09a5da128205a334914adc256243a20bca41.jpg

      • Swampgas_Man

        No discs, but I for some reason sent 8-9 VHS tapes, just on the off-chance that I convert them one day.

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      I would hate to be an onion writer, they have a really hard time making something unbelievable. Like that one, you know someone will say it seriously.

    • BadKitty904

      I’d never change my child’s oil, either, or rotate his/her tires. Your point being?

      • Martini A, very stable genius

        Neglect!

      • Bobathonic

        But you would hook up them to a car battery, right?

        • BadKitty904

          I’m not a Republican, so – no.

        • Rasilom

          Only to get them out of bed in the morning. Jump start right?

          • SDGeoff3

            We would use the hose.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Cars have built in anti-virus software.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Teh stooopid, it burns!

      • Martini A, very stable genius

        ‘Tis satire.

        • Bec Jenn

          This day in age, it’s hard to tell the difference.

          • Martini A, very stable genius

            Very true.

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      Did you lube your kids today?

    • Nounverb911
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Nounverb911
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Keith Taylor

    Yes! New Yorker cartoons! Much less macabre than Donald trump with a porn star, even the … were the original Charles Addams cartoons in the New Yorker? Yes, they were. And they ARE less macabre than the thought of Donald Trump with a porn star.

    • bupkus231

      Gahan Wilson is generally less macabre than that thought….

      • Arolpin

        Shel Silverstein at his weirdest is considerably less macabre than that thought….

  • vukojebina_MΩment

    Does Frank Zappa have something appropriate to add?
    Well, duh!

    If she were my daughter I’d…
    (What would you do, Daddy?)
    If she were my daughter I’d…
    (What would you do, Daddy?)
    If she were my daughter I’d…
    (What would you do, Daddy?)

    Smother my daughter in chocolate syrup
    And strap her on again, oh baby
    Smother that girl in chocolate syrup
    And strap her on again

    She’s a Teenage Baby and she turns me on
    I’d like to make her do a nasty on the White House lawn
    Going to smother that daughter in chocolate syrup
    And boogie till the cows come home.

    • Wackyland Radio Resistor

      Ewwwww

      • SDGeoff3

        Really.

    • SisterArtemis

      yeah, I love some Zappa, but that one… nope.

  • Shibusa

    http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/319/259/a8b.gif

    Trump celebrating his excellent health report in WH sauna.

    • Ryan Denniston

      What does Stormy Daniels have to do with this?

      • Bill D. Burger

        Why…why…that’s a warm front if ever ____ wait a minute. Stormy? ___ I have no idea where I was going with that. The vid burned my retinas.

      • Shibusa

        BTW, did you see the CNN story yesterday that Fox News / Diana Falzone had the Stormy Daniels scoop a month before the 2016 election and Fox killed the story?

    • A LITtle Annoyed, Yet ARoused

      Why? Why? Why do you hate us so?

      • JaveyDay

        Missouri loves company.

      • CripesAmighty

        Did. Not. Click. Ha. Ha.

    • Suse

      Oh my gawd!11!!!

    • SDGeoff3

      YOU MONSTER.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      This cracked me up.

  • Thiazin Red

    In the comments to a Slate column about whether it was weird to give an inanimate object/pets a “voice” people were describing what the voice they gave their pets sounded like. When either my boyfriend or myself speak for our male cat he sounds like Richard Kiel, mainly because Kiel played a lot of big dumb characters and Nick is a giant monster cat idiot. His sister always speaks in two word phrases and sounds like a Dalek.

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Each of my kittehs has their own unique voice when they speak to me (well, when I have to interpret them speaking to me on my own voice). It would be weird NOT to give them a voice, silly Slate commenters, where comments are allowed.

    • Raan

      I imagine our long-haired Chihuahua sounds like Peter Lorre.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      My long-gone cat, Jazz, talked Princess Leia fluently.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      While my chihuahua mix at times gets a ‘George’ voice (which way did he go), mostly he talks like the little tough guy he is.

    • Arolpin

      If you’re a Richard Kiel fan, I hope you’ve seen ‘So Fine’. It’s one of the dumbest movies ever, but Kiel is great in it, and it shows him in a new light.
      It’s one of the movies my family watched over and over again growing up.

      http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0083099/?ref=m_nv_sr_1

    • shivaskeeper

      The dogs are Butch and Spike from the old Looney Tunes cartoons.

  • msanthropesmr
    • Paperless Tiger

      Looking for Mr. Goodbrain.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      OMfuckingG!

    • TJ Barke

      Very stable genius.

      • BadKitty904

        I heard that line in Dustin Hoffman’s Rain Man voice…

    • Martini A, very stable genius
    • shivaskeeper

      Why not? A test designed to see if you are not actually suffering form dementia right this very minute is pretty much an IQ test, right? They both make you have to use your brain. They are both the same thing really.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Uh oh! Sumbidy’s a goin’ to the wood shed:

    John Kelly told Democratic lawmakers that the U.S. will never construct a physical wall along the entire stretch of the U.S.-Mexico border and that a lot of Trump’s campaign promises on immigration were really “uninformed,” WaPo reports.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2018/01/17/kelly-says-some-of-trumps-campaign-pledges-on-immigration-wall-uninformed-meeting-attendees-say/?tid=ss_tw&utm_term=.6a23c3fd080e

    • BadKitty904
      • Bill D. Burger

        I love that gif sooo’ much. It’s a classic.

        • BadKitty904

          It cracks me up EVERY time. Kitty looks so shocked!

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Someone will have to tell the shitgibbon, since he doesn’t read.

      • Bill D. Burger

        True! It probably would have to show up on ‘FUX and Fiends’!

    • TJ Barke

      No shit, sherlocks.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      I got a nickel that not only will Kelly deny that, he’ll claim the Democratic lawmakers are lying and Donnie will rage-tweet about “Dishonest Dems”.

    • Paperless Tiger

      So it was all bullshit?

      • SDGeoff3

        Surprised? Nah.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      “Uninformed” = “really stupid”

    • bupkus231

      Oh, fuck you, John Kelly. You’re a worse racist than Rump, and you allowed people to pretend you were “the adult in the room” with your talk of controlling who got to influence the asshole last.

      Turns out you’re the asshole who always gets to him last, you fucking pocket Putin.

    • SDGeoff3

      Oops.

    • Lurkylu

      in WaPo Opinions today:

      “Mr. President, don’t betray your base with a DACA-only deal”

      Trumpers, prepare yourself for a shock.

    • shivaskeeper

      Trump has been trying out that line for a while now as well. There was never going to be a complete wall. There are mountains and vicious rivers and whatnot that are better than a wall already in some places.

      I don;t know if the base has cottoned on to it yet, but he has been walking the physical wall back almost from day one. It doesn’t stop him from using the wall and the lack of money for it as a club to kill any legislation that comes along that his advisors don’t like though.

  • tehbaddr

    Booth was great! My parents had a book of his in the living room bookshelf along with many other great things! And just because I can, here’s something to stir your brain ’round!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c56770493cf97f195041aa2ec1e905cdd002e8e5107ad35ddf298c2312ba21c7.jpg

  • SadDemInTex

    Lolita is one of the saddest books ever written.

  • wobbly

    The thought of Barron Trump being exposed to these porn star stories kind of cut into my glee-what are the chances of him growing up to be a normal, potentially happy, human being?

    • JaveyDay

      Sadly, it’s the square root of negative one.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Negative anything.

        • JaveyDay

          You math good.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            For a oldz.

      • JaveyDay

        Addendum: There is a small sliver of hope that he can have a chance at a semblance of a normal life if Melania manages to extract herself from that broken and loveless marriage and he can grow up outside of the constant lens of media attention. You can see the sadness in his eyes in almost every picture of him. There is still a soul left in there. He knows deep inside how wrong his family life is, even if he may not know how to express it.

        • bupkus231

          There is no fucking way that any scion of a millionaire, let alone a “billionaire” will ever have a “normal” life.

          There is nothing “normal” about being so privileged.

          • JaveyDay

            Whoa there, tiger. I did use the qualifier “a chance at a semblance” of a normal life.

    • SadDemInTex

      0 because at her best Melania is an empty soul.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      With his parents, in their world(s), none.

    • eyelashviper

      He has no fucking chance, it is sad. Not even a good grandparent to soften the toxic atmosphere all around him.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • SDGeoff3

      I sincerely feel bad for him. He always looks unhappy, and we never see pictures of him playing or doing normal kid stuff. Children should never be sad.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I wouldn’t say never, kids need experiences to learn how to navigate the cruel world of adults once they’ve grown up. But they certainly shouldn’t be sad all the time like that poor kid.

    • Blackest Noobs

      he’ll be alright….he is a male, white, and wealthy. it’s not as if he’ll get shot for buying some candy at 7-11 for his kid brother and walking home.

      Barron will never get to experience that…EVER.

    • Bobathonic

      They were zero when he was conceived. Some people should not have children.

    • BadKitty904

      Have you seen the rest of Turmp’s kids?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      He was born on third base. By the time he is 25 he will be telling everybody he hit a triple. Just like his father.

    • Anna Rompage

      Seeing that his mom is a porn star of sorts, I’m not sure what life will behold for the boy….

    • alpacapunchbowl

      The porn star ladies would likely be a better influence on him than his family.

    • shivaskeeper

      What chance did he have to grow up normal and potentially happy in that family anyway? None, really. Not with Trump as his father. Look at how well he did with the rest of his spawn.

  • rocktonsam

    gross

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar
    • BadKitty904

      All they’re doing is fishing to find out what Bannon’s going to tell Mueller…

      • shivaskeeper

        That is my take as well. They also get a good chance to muddy the waters at the same time.

        • BadKitty904

          Bingo. I think that’s WHY they want to find out – so they can start their propaganda bullshittery before Mueller can release anything.

          • shivaskeeper

            Yup.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Sloppy Steve has his ‘cover’ and now with the subpoenas The House and Mueller shoved up his ass, he’s going to torch TrumpCo. and opine, “Well, I tried ol’ friends but I was subpoenaed and had to do it.”

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      It’s shitholes all the way down.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      She really captures his likeness.

    • shivaskeeper

      Did he strike his deal with Mueller before the Committee meeting? If he did, not talking to the committee would be the smart option I think. As political as the committees are, they can, and will, get in the way of Mueller’s investigation.

      Politically motivated leading questions are not what Mueller is looking at, and will just make it harder to separate the signal from the noise.

  • alpacapunchbowl
  • Let us remember Puerto Rico – the Republicans certainly haven’t
    https://twitter.com/carlzimmer/status/953761717015777281

    • altleftjohn

      Why doesn’t the president of Puerto Rico do something?!?

      • Bobathonic

        He should ask Trump for foreign aid.

      • Roadstergal

        Whenever someone tells him it’s stormy out, he drops trou.

    • shivaskeeper

      Power generation is not the same thing as power distribution. Is it “only” 17.1% without power, or is that number higher?

      • bupkus231

        As it is, I think I heard today, some news ( radio or tv report ) that 40% of Puerto Ricans don’t have power. Other than outdated stats, how does that fit?

        • shivaskeeper

          That sounds closer to right. They can generate power all day, but it does no good if you they can;t get it from the power station to the people.

    • TundraGrifter

      Let’s also remember the US Virgin Islands. There has probably been one story about PR for every fifty on Texas and Florida. And for every story about PR – none on the USVI.

    • puredog

      Those are good numbers for a shithole.

  • eyelashviper

    Kudos to the George Booth cartoon. He is so brilliant, so subtle, and always perfect. His dog looks like a dog we once had, and has the same demeanor…

    http://imgc.allpostersimages.com/img/print/george-booth-new-yorker-cartoon_u-L-Q112Y9Z0.jpg

    • Suse

      Love these old cartoons.

  • BadKitty904

    Admittedly, me and my brother’s color sense has always been slightly odd, but that dress is blue and black every time I look at it, from every angle and in varying browser windows. I don’t get it.

    • Suse

      I usually see it as white & gold, but sometimes it looks blue & black. I dunno.

    • jowgajen

      If you stare at it and tell your brain, “Yo brain, that’s a shadow and the blue is white”, you can see the gold. You can watch it come into being, and it is kind of freaky.

      • Sophia

        That’s my problem, I know my brain doesn’t listen to me. It’s always getting me to do shit when my mouth is saying “you shouldn’t do that”

      • Roadstergal

        If I see it out of the corner of my eye, it gets the white and gold. If I look directly at it, blue and black.

    • Bobathonic

      I saw it as blue, above. I followed someone’s link (to Guardian, maybe?) and it was white. On my phone.

      • SDGeoff3

        Same here, on my screen.

    • Ryan Denniston

      I see blue and gold. What gives?

    • SDGeoff3

      Blue and an ugly shade of brown, which does not compliment in any way.

    • h4rr4r

      It’s the result of crappy monitors.

    • Sophia

      I’m with you. Never understood it either. Blue & black

    • Roadstergal
  • Maclare’s Bodega o’ Crap 🏪

    Snowed here in Atlanta/Decatur last night. Second time this winter! People are becoming a bit more blase to having snow, but it still doesn’t stop all your friends texting you about the OMG SNOW!!!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/62ebfc3ca8f37770646d71c985bffbadbc2e8ef040c11c0c813ab5b897eb91c9.jpg

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I did my taxes today on TurboTax. Got to the end and ran the Error Check, then I got this message:

    Form 1040: This form has not been approved for release at this time. You must obtain an update before you file your return
    Schedule A: This form has not been approved for release at this time. You must
    obtain an update before you file your return

    However, no updates are available for either form today. Then it said:

    Angie, you cannot e-file these returns. This return has certain forms that are not available for e-filing yet. The final versions of one or more of the tax forms in your return are not available yet. This usually happens when the government updates or changes a form during the tax season.

    So what are they changing at the last minute on the 2017 tax forms, I’d would very much like to know, or have they just not bothered to issue the final forms for 2017 even though it is now January 17, 2018?

    • msanthropesmr
      • Anna Rompage

        Yep, it’s not uncommon for the IRS to be a little behind on their approvals of the current tax forms.

        I believe it was last year, or the year before, but you weren’t able to file until mid-late February…

        • h4rr4r

          Since they know the results, they have to check them, why do we even file?

          • msanthropesmr

            Because of lobbying from people like HR Block – no shit.

          • h4rr4r

            I am glad the buggy whip makers did not have a better lobby.

      • jowgajen

        That just sounds like they are managing their cash flow. Which is weird, yo. The gubmint shouldn’t need to worry none about paying refunds in Jan. vs. Feb.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        January 23, eh? What the hell have they been doing all year?

    • Suse

      Meh, just file it on a postcard and see what happens.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Yes.

  • vukojebina_MΩment

    They call her Stormy Daniels.
    Tuesday Weld is just as bad…

    • Suse

      Hahaha!

    • Wednesday Adams is worse.

    • msanthropesmr
      • Wackyland Radio Resistor

        That was so cool!

    • Lordpnut

      OT: I read that Dusty Hill, Frank Beard, and Billy Gibbons are their real names. Can this be true?

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        Even weirder is the fact that Frank Beard is the only one without a beard.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • bupkus231

      So why the fuck didn’t they run it then?

      • Bill D. Burger

        They’ve evidently just gotten hold of it.

    • Suse

      The Daily Beast will sure win one of Dumpy’s awards – The Most Bigly Fakiest Fake News Ever!

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        They were supposed to be today. I feel cheated.

    • Sakonyachen

      I don’t think Melania was uneasy in that picture. I think she was trying to smile. I guess if I had thought before commenting, I would have realized she would still be uneasy.

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    For tongue twisters, I’m rather partial to
    She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking his hiccuping while amicably welcoming him in.

    • SDGeoff3

      Yowza.

    • Suse

      The sixth shiek’s sheep is sick.

      • puredog

        The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
        FTFY.

        • Suse

          Merci!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Into where?

      Shoulder sash.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Un tigre, dos tigres, tres tigres. Go ahead — try it. It’ll tie your tongue into knots.

    • vivian

      How much ground round would a hound dog hog
      if a groundhog were round ground?

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        AOI,K ;-)

    • Raan

      “She smells sheet smells by the sheet store.” – Homer Simpson

  • TJ Barke
    • Sakonyachen

      That GIF sums up my feelings pretty well. Thanks.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “I need to see you sign the check. Right there my lil’ Orange Poopsicle’!”

    ♩♩♩ Stormy weather
    Since my man and I ain’t together ♩♩♩

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTxHkzKUMAARB-0.jpg

  • Nounverb911

    Congrats Chris, you actually accomplished something…
    https://twitter.com/business/status/953655517959901185

  • Notreelyhelping
    • Beanz&Berryz

      Whose tits is whose?

      • jowgajen

        I think they bought them from the same doctor.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Cheaper by the 1/3 dozen. I liked that movie.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Always nice to know that whatever we do as a nation, we brought the world fake tits.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          MAGA. Yankee ingenuity. Though, culturally, puritanical Yankees wouldn’t have gone there. Recreationally speaking.

      • janecita

        Her daddy’s.

        • Bill D. Burger

          Dat’s rite’! He paid for em’ and the face also/too!

      • Notreelyhelping

        The first set belong to…uh…let me check my notes.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Staaaap’….I’m finding it hard___to concentrate….to concentrate.

    • jowgajen

      Well Stormy’s nose is a better job, and I think her chin is natural.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Some dye and couple of $100K in cosmetic surgery can make a difference….but she still just a grifting con, like her old man.

        https://cdn.images.express.co.uk/img/dynamic/130/590x/secondary/Ivanka-Trump-plastic-surgery-side-view-810568.jpg

        • jowgajen

          So, changed her nose, chin, lips, eyes, hairdresser, and lost a couple pounds of baby fat. Probably ears, definitely tits and who knows what else. I mean why stop there?

          • nosuchuser

            They tried to install a brain but the donor organ was rejected; with prejudice.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Don’t forget the cheek implants.

    • Ryan Denniston

      I think the one on top (heh!) is Ivanka?

      • Notreelyhelping

        Yep.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If Ivanka wasn’t my daughter and if she wasn’t Trump’s daughter and if she wasn’t Kushner’s wife and if she wasn’t up to her eyebrows in financial fraud, I might be dating her, except no.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Just. Why?

      I mean, leaving aside that she’s supposed to be observant orthodox and at least somewhat modest, her implants are showing.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Kudos to this family vacationing in the Big Apple. Good planning!

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTw9qc_VoAAmz3H.jpg

    • Roadstergal

      Deport them!!

      • Lefty Wright

        To Norway!!

        • Suse

          I couldn’t possibly say whether Norway has mostly white people or not

          • Mehmeisterjr

            A last person tells Trump that Norway/may is inhabited by persons of duskiness:

            Trump: What a shithole. Why can’t we have more people from Albinostan? Merit!

    • Dartemus

      I didn’t know they came is so many different colors. Where is the online catalog for that?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • sosuume
  • tehbaddr

    But did Stormy let the Dotard butt sechs her? This is Wonkette and central to the discussion!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      She’s probably too cheeky for him to reach and I am not saying she has a big ass. It wouldn’t take much.

      • tehbaddr

        To short and stubby a “button” for insertion then eh?

        • wide_stance_hubby

          That’s what the internet says, so there you go.

          • tehbaddr

            I read that too, also!

      • OutOfOrbit

        you mean he never got past her cheeks?!

        • Keith Taylor

          I don’t know. Or even if these scurrilous and shocking allegations are true, but somehow they don’t seem impossible, and it may have something to do with Donald Trump being a disgusting sleazy creep with an apparent affinity for other disgusting sleazy creeps like Roy Moore.
          This I do know! Strangely, I’ve just found I have something in common with diehard Trump supporters! I would rather Stormy Daniels had become President of the United States than Donald Trump, and they would rather Stormy Daniels had become President than Hillary Clinton!
          (Maybe some of THEM would even rather Ms. Daniels were president than Donald.)

    • The True Cosmic Owl

      Dotard got his butt seched.

      • tehbaddr

        Mmmm, Stormy had a big old strap on, or did she use her whole forearm?

        • janecita

          Forearm and Crisco for the win!

          • tehbaddr

            Still trying to clean the “dirt’ out of her nails to this day!

        • Not Gonna Be Quiet Linda

          Have you ever seen a farmer preg checking cattle? All the way up to the elbow.

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        He must’ve paid extra.

    • puredog

      Nothing I have read about the dotard — save his excitement over golden showers — suggests he has interest in the poop chute. I would like to stop considering this now, please and thank you.

      • jowgajen

        If you click the little line to the right of his name it collapses the whole convo. Which I suggest doing.

        (Also, SD said Donny boy was boring and plain vanilla.)

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Forever and ever, r’amen.

    • Suse

      This is a topic for butt sechs expert TLM.

    • lowenufc

      He kept plying her with bottles of water until she couldn’t hold it anymore. Then the fun began.

  • bluicebank

    Disappointed Wonkette did not include the category: “Parallel Universe Sci-Fi Short Story Wherein The Current Unpleasantness Is Eradicated.”

    It involves a spaceship and the Irish.

    Chapter 1. “A Burger Too Far.” Main antagonist drops from heart issues induced by nanobots.
    Chapter 2. “Criss-Cross.” VP, now POTUS, decides discretion is the better part of valor, and names main protagonist (a doppelgänger, or more accurately a vardøger) as VP, then resigns.
    Chapter 3. “The Bronze Age.” Our hero Vardøger (not his real name), overhauls the executive branch and legislative process, employing ridiculously advanced technology masquerading as steampunk.
    Chapter 4. “And The Rock From Which You Crawled.” Unreconstructed whelps decide discretion is the better part of valor, and go into hiding again.

    The End.

  • La forza del resistino

    Tiffany Trump sighs a breath of relief and makes a reminder to get that Father’s Day card in the mail this year. Then says Nah.

    • Marion in Savannah

      And changes her address and phone number.

    • Nounverb911
      • janecita

        Poor girl, she is all Trump! Her mother is still very pretty.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          She’s not, though. She’s got her mother’s eyes and nose and her father’s face and mouth.

      • La forza del resistino

        after reading the article I am now aware of the faux pas of getting married on your friend’s b-day weekend. Right before fashion week, at that.

  • wait! what?
  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • janecita

    My son just wrote a poem for his English class:

    Animals are better than people.
    Animals are better than you.
    How can you say that animals are better than people?
    People are animals too!

  • Alexander Stallwitz
  • Ryan Denniston

    Woohoo! Snow day extended to Day 2! My kerbals need the time.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    “…evangelicals continue to think Trump is the Maccabees’ knees…”
    Flaunting the PhD again, Dok?

    • Bill D. Burger

      The Tealibangelicals love him. Fundies will bring him gold and frankincense____but wait, there’s myrrh.

    • Wackyland Radio Resistor

      I liked that one, made me giggle

      • President in Exile Firefly

        Likewise!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Out of his doctoral area, I think. More biblical punnery. An avocational interest.

      • vivian

        An enthusiasm.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          A field rich for punnery

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Texas AG continues to be dick. Dog bites man, etc.

    https://twitter.com/TexasTribune/status/953719748075884544

    • Ryan Denniston

      Guess there will be no more field trips to the capital either.

    • Nounverb911

      How to vote out assholes in one easy lesson?

    • Sophia

      I would say that giving a student the chance to vote would be a very educational exercise.

    • Ellie

      Another Republican who never fails to offend or disappoint.

  • Martini A, very stable genius
  • thatdamnbob

    a favorite tactic for me to disengage from the insanity – altho I’m only ever very slightly engaged anyhow and would never consider marriage – is to read a few or several Steven Wright observations, such as:

    In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”

    a few more:

    I intend to live forever—so far, so good.

    I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

    If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

    I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

    All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

    I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

    • Suse

      Thanks!

      • thatdamnbob

        yw, and one more:
        When I woke up this morning, I discovered that every item in my apartment had been replaced with an exact duplicate.
        When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, ‘Do I know you?’

    • DrBigHead

      Thanks for that.

      • thatdamnbob

        yw, and one more:
        When I woke up this morning, I discovered that every item in my apartment had been replaced with an exact duplicate.
        When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, ‘Do I know you?’

  • Jonny On Maui

    What with brain bleach not actually being a thing that exists

    I know some strains that work wonders with short term memory…

    • Lordpnut

      Such an elixir could be a boon to modern medicine. Where might one find such a substance?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Why check with the budtender at your friendly local neighborhood dispensary!

        YMMV…

        • Lordpnut

          Behind the iron curtain in Idaho that’s a tough row to hoe.
          But I can see Freedomstan from my backyard.

          • Arolpin

            Is there a recreational shop in Ontario yet? Or do you have to drive to Bend?

          • Lordpnut

            In the snake river plain it’s tubers or gtfo.

    • Bananas Foster

      There’s work being done with benzos and people who have just experienced traumatic events to keep their brains from processing and storing the experiences in a way that could lead to PTSD.

      Weed is a fuck of a lot better for you than benzos.

  • Jenny

    My son has outgrown his kid sized gloves. He wanted manly gloves.

    I found the smallest grown man gloves I could find.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a8d3981280cf6f8ec646792160f400a8cc9522d7a82390989ebae0c86ffc0a4a.jpg

    He looks like Uncle Jack from Always Sunny.

  • Reximus
  • Sakonyachen

    “How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?”

    Nice try with the wordplay Dok.
    YOU MONSTER!!!

    • tehbaddr

      Canned clams and cream? Disgusting! And I’m a canned bivalve aficionado!

      • Beelzebubba

        You have a good start on a nice chowdah.

  • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

    So the Nationalist Review posted an obnoxious article telling ‘burbanites not to worry about nukes, because the fallout will primarily affect those disgusting “urban” folk in the scary, libruhl, diverse big cities.

    Let the record show, your honor, that prior to this, Nationalist Review had published a scathing article about Obama’s “Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing” program — a would-be voucher program to de-gentrify the suburbs by helping city folk buy their first homes — that declared America’s “predominantly upper-middle-class, white” suburbs had been, in Stanley Kurtz’s words, “annexed” by “less-well-off African-Americans, Hispanics and Asians” in the scary big cities.

    So by connecting the two, I think it’s fair to assume that the Nationalist Review wants “wholesome,” majority-white ‘burbanites to rest assured that if Trump does get us into a nuclear war, don’t worry, the only (or the highest number of) people who will die are predominantly “less-well-off African-Americans, Hispanics and Asians” and other “urban blight” in the scary, libruhl, diverse big cities. Making America Glow Again is how Trump is going to Make America Great Again. He really is going to party like it’s 1955!

    Leaving aside the obvious fact that they’re fucking wrong about nuclear fallout… can it really be argued, ever, that the personal blog of the ghost of William F. Bucktooth is really a outlet for “principled conservatives” and not, you know, racists?????

    • lowenufc

      Its good to know that radioactive fallout is Cuckserative too.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Just as long as its not those people in Hawaii, they are too relaxed.

      http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/sandy-rios-liberals-in-hawaii-may-have-orchestrated-false-missile-alert/

      Also white conservatives are a scared of people who are not white and need their safe spaces.

      • TJ Barke

        Internet nazis, hate safe spaces, want to create safe spaces for whites only.

        • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

          Why don’t they just go the fuck to Russia then.

          Oh, right, because they want the whole fucking planet to be a safe space for nominally “Christian” heterosexual/cisgender white guys.

    • Anna Rompage

      The National Review is little more than a faux intellectual version of DeadBart…

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        That Colonel Kurtz guy (from the “oh noes Obama’s black Anschluss” article, but apparently isn’t the one who wrote about wanting to smell napalm over Manhattan in the morning), almost all he writes about on his author page is campus snowflakes. Get a load of his picture. He looks like a putz. “He did his field work in India” — those poor people in India. It’s blatantly obvious what he thinks of “lesser” brown people.

        But it turns out David French, the guy who did this bullshit article creaming himself over nuking the cities, is the one who called Booker a mansplainer because he wasn’t having Ilsa’s BS yesterday. Thus whitemansplaining Booker’s alleged blackmansplaining of Aryan Barbie’s initial whitegirlsplaining of Trump’s orangemansplaining.

    • Alexander Stallwitz
  • Carpe Vagenda
    • TJ Barke

      Fuck those people. They are fucking ignorant, greedy, shitbags.

    • Bird cage and house training material for years!

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        I wouldn’t do that to my birds, they might be assholes who try and bite me all the time but they don’t deserve that.

        • See! Birds are evil!

          • Rasilom

            They are all devolved dinosaurs after all. They just want to eat your face.

          • Red Bird

            Nope!

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Hey New York Times, here is an idea for you. Interview liberals for a change.

      Either the or this.

      http://i.imgur.com/PkpG5ll.gif

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Oh for fuck’s sake.

    • shivaskeeper

      This is a good thing. I mean it. It’s been a year and we have not heard or seen any news about any of his forgotten supporters. How will we ever know what they are thinking?

    • ariel_gee_398

      I’m barely interested in what the trolls say here, better editing isn’t going to fix that, NY Times.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Because CLEARLY we haven’t plumbed the depths of their feelings yet.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b4d2ef3d2155b7a97e549b2c5ccb3c5f8041a6492cd3df08eedc3f9da126a8ab.gif

    • Ling Ling

      Speaking as someone w/large ungulates outside. Owning cattle does not automatically make you stupid. #NotAllRanchers

    • DrBigHead

      Started to write something snarky about “fair and balanced”, but couldn’t hide the rage. so all I have to say is “Fuck you, NYT”

    • Ellie

      They aren’t giving me much incentive to continue subscribing. There are comments all the time from Stormtrumpers. Why isn’t that good enough?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I’m a little confused that people still are subscribing. I’ll grant you, fewer than they want, considering the discounts they’re offering, but still.

        • Ellie

          I subscribed because the SOB who was running for Prez said they were failing because they lied about him. So, it wasn’t so much FOR the NYT, as against’ tRump.

          • Fire and Fury Demme

            At least your heart was in the right place.
            (They broke mine.)

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Oh.

            I think that was him returning a favor.

    • Marion in Savannah

      And they’re doing this to me on my birfday. The motherfuckers.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Aw. Happy birthday.

        Hey, if you were going to let the Times being stupid venal cynical motherfuckers ruin your birthday, you would have to give them up.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Well, it’s my old home town paper so…

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Mine too. One of the few things good memories I have of my father was reading the Times over bagels on Sunday morning and trying to puzzle out the crossword puzzle :(

            But that paper has been gone for forty years.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Just fuck you NYT. If I want to read letters from the Orange Foolius Deplorables, I’ll read the Des Moines Register or the Wichita Eagle. I’m done with the NYT. I did not realize it was owned by the Murdochs.

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        Might as well be.

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      Haven’t these dotards fucked us over enough already?

    • alpacapunchbowl
    • janecita

      Ladies and gentlemen, your “liberal” media!

    • tehbaddr

      Fuck The Old Gray Lady, shove her into a hole in the ground already!

    • miss_grundy

      Another reason not to read the paper in print or online. It should just be used to pick up doggie poo, liner in the kitty litter box or bird cage liner.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Whatever. The NYT is not immune from the bullshit that fuels most of the weekly small town rags. Keep the controversies on the front burner with a regular dose of crackpot letters. Nothing sells newspapers better, evidently.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I think the nephews who are jockeying for position have decided that the way to go viral is to get mouthbreathing boy haters to click. They don’t seem to have worked out the part where mouthbreathing boy haters don’t buy shit.

    • Sophia

      CNN keeps doing this bullshit too and I turn the TV off every time I hear it’s up next. They run these little blurbs in the morning where they have a sit down with trump supporters. Fuck that shit. I want them to have a sit down with Wonkateers.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I don’t even feel as if I have to respect it, because they perceive themselves as the elites, and are hauling the most degraded people they can find along to support their point, because working class so animals, like they’re not degrading people who work harder than they ever dreamed of for less reward.

        I don’t like hating. I’m having to take time offline more than I want o.

        • Sophia

          I agree. I don’t like hating either so I will often go the weekend with no internet or TV. This constant 24 hour stream of outrage that is happening can really get you worked up. I need down time in order to get my equilibrium back. Grab a book, clean my house, spend time with family or friends, whatever it takes to remember to relax and breathe.

  • Picabo
    • Nounverb911

      Has Alec Baldwin signed on for this yet?

      • Rasilom

        We can only hope!

      • Bill D. Burger

        Stormy Daniels as Ivanka…..or GTFO!

    • Bill D. Burger

      One part’s already been cast:

      https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DBvGoa5W0AENfhm.jpg

      • Jonny On Maui

        Perfect!

      • tehbaddr

        NIFE TEEF !!!!!111!!111!!111!!!!!!

      • Marion in Savannah

        Where should I send the bill for my new keyboard? (Dear sweet FSM, but that’s just uncanny…)

  • Reximus

    It’s amazing to me that so many people think Batman is real, when clearly it’s just Bruce Wayne in a costume

    • Jonny On Maui

      Wadda ya mean Batman’s not real?

    • TJ Barke

      Spoiler alert!

    • altleftjohn

      Isn’t it funny how you never see Batman and Clark Kent together?

  • Nounverb911
    • Ellie

      I’ll try that next month, but I don’t think it’s gonna work, especially since I keep getting shorter.

    • Reximus

      Does it work with platform shoes? I still have mine

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      15 pounds?! Hold my beer gut.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    My bus driver is really loving the brake pedal. I think I’m going to vomit in a minute…

    • Jonny On Maui

      The back of their neck is a good spot…

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        Jonny!
        I have an OT question for you.
        After this chemo, surgery, radiation, nightmare is over, I want to go to Maui.
        Any suggestions?
        Have you heard of, or been to, anywhere great?
        I want to relax, and not worry about anything.
        Doesn’t HAVE to be at the beach, but it would be nice.
        I know this will involve big bucks, but you only live once!

        • Jonny On Maui

          Hey FaFD!

          I hope it ends soon.

          There are plenty of resorts. Take a look at a map of Maui. There’s 2 west side coasts. There’s the Lahaina side and the Kihei side. Both are nice, the Lahaina side can be costly.

          In season is more expensive than off season, but the weather and other conditions (ocean) are better.

          There’s a lot you can do here, or you can just sit on the beach. Take your pick. Try googling ‘things to do on Maui’.

          Hope you get here soon.

          • Fire and Fury Demme

            Thanks!
            Won’t be done with all this nonsense until June, but that doesn’t stop me from dreaming.
            We’ve been to Maui 2 times, (the beauty is so unbelievable!), stayed in Kihei and Lahaina, and love the Hana side, too. Just love breathing the air there. (Too wet?)
            Mr. Demme will get antsy and want to do things, but I will just want to sit around and chill and eat.
            What do you think of the Paia/Makawao area? (Too windy?)
            Looking at Lumeria there, but it sounds a little “woo.”

          • Jonny On Maui

            Praia is nice, pretty and overpriced. Makawao is fantastic but I’m prejudiced as we live right up the mountain from the town. There’s great places to eat, shops and some B&Bs in the area.
            I’ve been on the summit a few times. It’s worth a trip.
            Hana and the trip there is beautiful. Start your trip early is my best advice on going to Hana.

          • Fire and Fury Demme

            Oh, I forgot…
            The Humane Society there seems to be awesome!
            I got a Maui Poi Dog t-shirt and some calendars from them.
            The “Wings of Aloha” program is great! (I have been trying to get a CA no-kill shelter interested.)

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I was going to suggest “on their shoes” but Jonny on Maui has a better idea below.

  • Anna Rompage

    Meghan McCain on reducing sexual assault: Send men to sex workers so they figure out how not to rape women

    Jesus fuckity fucking christ…. WTF is wrong with these people… For the love of gawd, stop giving these stupid, vapid fuckpukes a place on the national stage…

    • CripesAmighty

      Murka.

    • Ellie

      I heard as “Let’s give prostitutes to men to rape, and then they won’t touch us.”

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        Reminds me of a very early episode of Law & Order: SVU

        “Don’t get your boxers in a twist, she’s NHI.”
        “What’s NHI?”
        “No Humans Involved. It means don’t work too hard on this one, why sweat them? The victim was just a useless piece of garbage.”

        • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

          That’s a real thing in police work, unfortunately. Plainspoken ‘Murican way of saying untermenschen.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      They still think it’s all about sex.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      *blinks*

      Uh, aren’t these hypothetical sex workers…women? Is she seriously arguing they don’t deserve the same protections as other women because of their profession?
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ffe8c7350a60fbb6729a37ae578409ed18ee8ce69ef0d1b7e6d8262540f9dc51.jpg

    • h4rr4r

      What?
      What does one have to do with the other?

      Maybe we can get people to be truthful by sending them to the dentist. Improve their hygiene by sending them to a flower shop.

      • Anna Rompage

        It’s not considered rape if you’re doing it to a sex worker, because she’s getting paid to be sexually assaulted by you…

        That’s what I walked away thinking…

        • h4rr4r

          Ok that’s more fucked up than I thought.

          I was somehow hoping it was for therapy or something.

    • Suse

      I saw that earlier and could not believe it. Then I thought, “Well it IS Meghan McCain” and suddenly it didn’t seem weird at all.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • h4rr4r

      Are we sure only her dad has brain cancer?

      • Anna Rompage

        You cannot have brain cancer, if you don’t have a brain….

    • La forza del resistino

      professional ladies are not punching bag rentals by the hour either, you idiot.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      But we haz to, becuz libruhl bias!1111!!!

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Thanks Dok.

  • tehbaddr

    Anytime porn stars or hookers become part of the story, it all becomes immensely entertaining!

  • RMKH

    Fuck the Pina Colada song. It is pap of the lowest order

  • Nounverb911

    Accident? Where was Super-Spy Wendi Deng when this happened?
    https://twitter.com/VanityFair/status/953720440794566656

    • Carpe Vagenda

      It’s super-spy Jerry Hall now.

    • Blackest Noobs

      league of assassins?

      • TJ Barke

        They don’t seem very thorough.

        • therblig

          The Guild of Maimers

          • TJ Barke

            It’s no worse than what he’s done to America.

        • Blackest Noobs

          they’re a bit rusty….they have assassinated anyone since the 60’s

          • All the good ones work for Hillary.

        • Blackest Noobs

          though a broken back can be a death sentence for someone as old as that old coot.

          • TJ Barke

            It can be a death sentence for anyone.

          • Notreelyhelping

            I thought that too. Like the broken hip replacement trap.

        • redarmyzombie

          They should have gotten that Ben Ghazi fella.

      • Lordpnut

        It’s the little things.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Nothing trivial, I hope.

    • Raan

      Come to think of it, where’s Mike Haggar been?

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      Would not wish on anyone. Well…

    • Rasilom

      Sorry, not sorry. Zero fucks to give about this asshole. And I haz a bad back so I know how much that alone hurts. Just, well, ya know he has inflicted so much hurt on so many people he kinda deserves this.

    • redarmyzombie

      Well, cry me a fuckin’ river.

  • notaten

    I was wondering all day if there is a legal/tactical reason why Bannon prefers a private meeting with Mueller as opposed to Grand jury testimony? Won’t either of those put him in jeopardy as far as lying to either one? Or is perjury to a Grand jury a greater offense than lying to a special counsel? None of my Law & Order re-runs have covered this, as far as I can recall.

    • DrBigHead

      Asked the same question earlier today. I’m stumped.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Much easier to prove perjury when you have a grand jury transcript in hand, methinks.

      • DrBigHead

        That is an advantage for Bannon. what’s in it for Mueller?

        • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

          Well, if Bannon breaks whatever deal he has Mueller can haul him before the grand jury anyway and now has prior inconsistent statements to use.

      • Sophia

        I would think that Mueller would have tapes or a transcript as well.

        • notaten

          That’s what I thought too

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Nunes will just run to the White House to tell them what he said. With Mueller no one will know.

      • DrBigHead

        That just might be it. I was thinking more of a legal procedural reason, but this makes sense. Still think it disproportionately benefits Bannon.

      • notaten

        I figured that was why not to talk to the committee, but I don’t understand the Grand jury vs. just giving a statement to Mueller.

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          Grand Jury testimony is easier to find out, there was an article recently with RWNJ’s complaining the DC grand jury has “those people” on them. Mueller doesnt leak anything unless he wants to. Bannon wants back in with the Mercer or other RWNJ’s money.

          • notaten

            That makes sense to me, thanjs

    • Sophia

      Can his lawyer be present in a Grand Jury?

      • notaten

        I don’t think so, but IANAL

        • Sophia

          Me too

      • Marion in Savannah

        No, according to Dr. Maddow last night.

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        No. He can request to step outside to speak with his lawyer. But his lawyer cannot be present in the room.

        • Sophia

          But he can be present at the meeting or deposition right? Wonder if it has anything to do with that.

          • ScrwUStillaTexanLibrul

            Yes, at least in my jurisdiction. Allows for much more effective representation.

    • DrBigHead

      All of the reasons offered (thus far) suggest an advantage for Bannon. If Mueller believed he had him dead to rights, don’t you think his response would be “here is your Grand Jury subpoena, Mr. Bannon”.

      • miss_grundy

        But if Bannon says something that doesn’t jibe with Mueller’s investigation so far, wouldn’t he be able to subpoena him to appear before the grand jury?

        • DrBigHead

          I don’t know what agreement was or could be made. Perhaps the mere threat of a Grand Jury subpoena will be enough?

    • Lordpnut

      Mueller has more leeway to negotiate.

    • WeaselPoo

      Grand jury asks questions and sees if the answers suggest criminal activity that should then be prosecuted. Such questions may come from individual jurors and or may be sourced from Mueller?
      Talking to Mueller would be more direct and Bannon could better infer from his questions what Mueller might already know and/or what direction and charges if any, Mueller might be pursuing.
      Then if Mueller appears to have serious charges ready to go, Bannon could immediately plea deal whereas he can’t with a Grand Jury—I think.
      I’m guessing, but if I were in Bannon’s place that’s what I’d do.

  • Reximus
    • Marion in Savannah

      And thank God for that!

    • janecita

      Lots, and lots of stupid stuff!

    • Ωbjectifier

      And camera phones.

    • Red Bird

      Well, some of the over 40 crowd was young enough when the internet was brand new to have at least a few pics out there.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        It does say “most”.

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • Nounverb911

      Donnie has a heart?

      • TJ Barke

        Technically.

    • OrG

      That’s too bad. I’m really sorry. Yep really REALLY sorry. Uh huh.

      • Martini A, very stable genius

        He should probably have a few more buckets of fried chicken to keep his strength up.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          And gravy. Lots and lots of gravy.

    • shivaskeeper

      Oh well. So sad. Don’t care.

    • miss_grundy

      Ya think???!!!

    • DrBigHead

      While part of me (the large part that is going straight to hell) would like this to be true, Gupta needs to shut his fucking mouth. It is one thing for reprobates like us to speculate on Trump’s health, but he is a doctor. He didn’t examine him. Stay the hell out of it.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      I can hardly believe that. No proof anywhere that he even has a heart.

  • Nounverb911
  • C4TWOMAN

    Some MRA nitwit extracted all the girl cooties from the last Jedi, and it’s as horrid as one would expect…
    https://www.avclub.com/some-creep-made-an-overtly-sexist-edit-of-the-last-jedi-1822104868

  • Truly, one of saddest breakup songs you’ll ever hear.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWD5gdpt4Dw

  • chascates

    Daniels reportedly told Weisberg that Trump was bad in bed, though in
    not so many words. “She intimated that her view of his sexual skill was
    at odds with the remark attributed to Marla Maples,” he wrote, linking
    to a Reddit post featuring an old New York Post cover touting Trump’s ex-wife apparently saying: “Best sex I’ve ever had.”

    http://www.rawstory.com/2018/01/trump-bad-in-bed-says-porn-star-stormy-daniels-report/

    • miss_grundy

      Only because he paid Marla a lot of money for it.

      • Reximus

        unlike every other of his ‘lovers’

  • About that ‘color changing dress’, I finally figured out what was going on when I checked out my color changing Ginger

  • Nounverb911
    • TJ Barke

      Ew.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      And here I thought that was my joke from a week ago.

  • Nounverb911
    • TJ Barke

      Except she’s a Russian asset.

      • Reximus

        Runs in da family

      • JMP

        Just like Ivanka!

      • miss_grundy

        I prefer the term “Red Sparrow”.

    • OrG

      Pretty sure Mueller has this without melon’s help.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Dial Robert Mueller,
      that’s the name,
      and away goes Donald,
      down the drain.

      Robert Muellllllllerrrrrrrrrr.

      • altleftjohn

        Shithole service 🎶

  • Picabo
    • Nounverb911

      Good idea, lamb chops for dinner.

    • I never knew she was so foxy… she could pass for Barbara Eden’s sister.

      • Reximus

        I met Barbara when I was 9 or 10 in Montreal…first boing

    • Hemp Dogbane

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dv55Kq462LM
      Lambchop – The Saturday Option

    • Ryan Denniston

      I will live a full life if in 100 years, school children are confronted with the name Donald Trump and respond, “who?”

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I love you, Lamb Chop!

  • Nounverb911

    https://twitter.com/bessbell/status/953774400888717312
    (Hello, @MELANIATRUMP. Divorce, girl. You can stay with us. We have a sofa bed.)

    • Thiazin Red

      During the campaign there was already a story from the reporter sent to interview them while Melania was pregnant saying Trump assaulted her. Melania called the woman a liar. She already knows, she just likes collecting the money.

    • janecita

      I wouldn’t spit on that harpy if she was on fire.

      • Sheepshagger

        Maybe If I was drinking absinthe.

      • YaJagoff

        I wouldn’t piss in her ear if her brain were on fire.

        • janecita

          What brain?

          • YaJagoff

            Well IF she had a brain…

  • Reximus
    • janecita

      Better a mummy than me! I’m allergic to the fuckers.

    • wait! what?

      I guess the mosquito has the west-denial virus…

  • Wackyland Radio Resistor

    Are we having the dress fight? Because it’s blue.

    Come at me.

    • janecita

      Fuck yeah, it is blue!

    • wait! what?

      It is not a dress. It’s a body sock.

  • Nounverb911
  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    Well looks like John Kelly might be the next one to be YOU”RE FIRED.

    http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/17/politics/john-kelly-daca-congress/index.html

    White House chief of staff John Kelly told Democratic lawmakers Wednesday that some of President Donald Trump’s positions as a candidate on the border wall were “uninformed,” sources told CNN.

    Rep. Ruben Gallego confirmed the comment to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer on “The Situation Room.”

    “Yes, we heard him say that,” the Arizona Democrat said.

    A source familiar with Kelly’s comments in the closed-door meeting with Democrats and the Congressional Hispanic Caucus told CNN that Kelly said he has worked to educate the President and move him away from his campaign promises.

    Another source in the room with access to notes from the meeting told CNN that Kelly was talking about the difference between campaign speech and actual policy, saying, “You make campaign promises but then you learn the reality of governing, which is difficult.”

    The wall comments, Kelly said, were just “not fully informed” during the campaign.

    The “uninformed” comment was first reported by The Washington Post.

    • altleftjohn

      Please, the phrase is alternatively informed.

    • Bobathonic

      So some “General” thinks he’s smarter than the Man With The Wee Hands?

    • DrBigHead

      And tomorrow, Kelly will vehemently deny it. Just another lying asshole among a clutch of lying assholes.

    • miss_grundy

      What did the racist empty barrel say?

  • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

    Ha! Alyssa’s the boss!

    “Nazi is your first language”: In MLK Day tweet, actress Alyssa Milano smacks down former Trump aide Sebastian Gorka over the GOP’s immigration policy

    Gorka: [Trump has] “already done more for Americans – Black, White and all colors in between- that (sic) you EVER will.”

    Milano: “Than. I know…English is hard when nazi is your first language.”

    This message sponsored by:

    https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/UF4AAOSw3v5Yos5S/s-l300.jpg

    • JaveyDay

      I like how she didn’t capitalize nazi.

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        It’s capitalized in the original German. (All nouns are.) But in English, making it lowercase is a punch in the gut because it strips them of their importance and power.

        • JaveyDay

          Precisely. I’ve made the correction several times here when someone calls these alt-white knobgoblins Nazi. They’re so pathetic they don’t even deserve a capital n.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I remember watching Who’s the Boss now and then back in the day. She turned out pretty alright.

    • She went all ‘Firebombing of Dresden’ on his ass.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    Like I was saying yesterday about Trump’s physical–

    But that’s not the point of the snark, is it? People are not criticizing the president’s weight and appearance because of the need for nuanced discussion surrounding the human body, the uselessness of the body mass index or the need for doctors to develop more realistic and thoughtful methods for measuring health as a function of weight and body mass.

    Instead, they are using photos of Trump and reports on his weight to mock the man who, at one point, allegedly referred to a Miss America pageant winner as “Miss Piggy.” We’re trying to find ways to snark on the man whose statements and policies often denigrate our fellow human beings on what feels like a regular schedule. In many instances, we’re trying to cope with the stress and anxiety we feel due to this man’s policies by coming together and laughing at him and his size.

    And more to the point, when we do that, it further marginalizes and shames the innocent of all backgrounds and provides our political opponents with irrelevant ammunition to come after liberals. We are better than that.

    https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/mocking-trump-his-weight-hypocritical-ignorant-ncna838491

    • Ling Ling

      That isn’t my point. At all. My point is this is such an obvious lie. I don’t care if Trumpolini is a 71 year old flaccid meat sack. What I care about is the denial.

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        But we don’t know that with any certainty. Look, I dig science and objectivity AND snark. But the snark should at least be based on some kind empirical something otherwise, we’re no better than RWNJ.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Who you gonna believe? Trump or your lyin’ eyes?

          • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

            The Navy doctor until evidence to the contrary.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I was trying to inject a little humor. Forgive me.

          • DrBigHead

            Given Trump’s history, and the history of too many in his administration, I am not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, not even a Navy doctor. This is the climate of distrust that THEY have created. I don’t for one minute feel bad about my skepticism.

          • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

            Then they will not give US the benefit of the doubt.

          • DrBigHead

            Who? The administration?? If you live in a Blue State, or are a Democrat, they already don’t. Do notg kid yourself for one minute that the administration respects our opinion. And short of voting the assholes out of office, there is not a goddamn thing we can do about it.

          • miss_grundy

            The Navy doctor has undermined his own credibility. No one who looks at Dotard would tell you that he isn’t overweight and that his supposed diet of fast food and Diet Coke will not lead to physical problems. It will. It’s time that everyone stopped coddling this overweight toddler.

          • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

            Show me the evidence.

        • Ling Ling

          You get full marks for nice, but I’m better than RWNJ because I’m not so easily led. There is plenty of evidence this is nonsense. Look at the pictures when he stands next to Tredeau? Those are not trivial differences.

          • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

            Did you read the NBC article?

          • Ling Ling

            I’m going to have to say “no” because I’m certain the NBC machine is continuously generating articles.

        • Begin Anew Day

          Perhaps we are over thinking this?

          Can’t we agree that snark at wonkette qualifies as an art form while snark at breitbart is never bright or well done?

    • DrBigHead

      And as I said yesterday, it is not the weight, it is the continual lying that has led us (ok, I will limit my assessment to myself) to believe NOTHING that he and his mouthpieces say. Not even a Navy doctor.

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        The terrifying part is that he had a doctor lie FOR him.
        Kinda “fascist-y.”

    • JaveyDay

      I flagged that troll who was following you around spewing his garbage yesterday. I hope he gets the old banmallet.

    • shivaskeeper

      I’m not going to make fun of his weight because of what he says about other people’s weight, even though that is cause enough.

      Nope. I’m going to call him out on it because his claimed height and weight is a lie.

      Yes, it’s a small lie in the grand scheme of things. But he lies about everything, always,and letting the little lies go because it’s easier, or it’s not relevant opens the way to letting the big lies go for the same reasons.

  • Angela Ruzzo
  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    Aww, Lindsey and Trump kissed and made up.

    https://twitter.com/thehill/status/953738469133742081

    • Bobathonic

      Sheesh, it’s like South Korea isn’t even part of the USA!

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I really hate “Miss” being used as a derogotive term.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        Sorry , edited it and removed that.

    • MANGO CRIMES

      how dare they

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        Dont they know that Donny wants to make a big boom in Asia before the election?

    • miss_grundy

      How can he possibly stand and walk when he doesn’t have a spine???

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        I think the suit has a pole in the back to help him stand.

    • JaveyDay

      Lindsey and Donnie shitting in a hole
      K-I-S-S-I-N- oh fuck the both of them

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      South Korea doesn’t get to pick and choose who gets to come. So maybe he should address his ire to the IOC?

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        South Korea invited them so they could have peace talks at the same time. Better then just letting Trump tweet threats at North Korea and escalate things.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      To be fair Trump doesn’t know if he wants to bomb Kim Jong Un or invite him to Mar-a-lago for chocolate cake, so you really can’t blame folks for taking their own initiative.

    • altleftjohn

      Odd. She doesn’t look Jewish.

    • CripesAmighty

      Blort.

    • tehbaddr

      Presumably only Jarred and Daddy would know!

  • mailman27

    Dok has outdone himself.

  • Nounverb911
    • Sheepshagger

      But what about property prices?

      • CripesAmighty

        Gonna be a run on craterfront lots. Get em while they’re hot.

        • Doug Langley

          Lex Luthor libelz!!111!!11

    • But the fallout will. Yeesh. Back in the Cold War days, I had to point out to one idiot who was blathering about how a nuclear war wouldn’t affect our area that… there was a SAC base just 25 miles away from us.

      • Doug Langley

        I saw this on another site. One commenter had worked at NORAD. He said the minimum safe distance from a nuke was 150 miles. And that’s just to give you a running start.

        • When I was in the military, I took the Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical Warfare NCO/Officer course, and a big part of that was calculating blast radii and fallout patterns for tactical nukes. When one of the others asked “what about the strategic nukes?” (megatonners) the response was “Throw all that out.” Basically, unless you’re a 30 or more miles away from the center of the blast, you’re screwed. Even then, you’d better hope you’re upwind, but that won’t help you much in the long run.

    • Bananas Foster

      Jesus, I’d rather die in the blast than the aftermath.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      We read Hiroshima in middle school. I’d like to be at ground zero and go quickly, TYVM.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      lol hahahahahaha. Oh boy. That’s hysterical.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Now this is the kind of story I like to snark about because it involves something real and dangerous and sciencey. Fuck them.

      http://nuclearsecrecy.com/nukemap/

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Do they know that libtards even live in rural areas?

  • WomanInThePersistence

    I’m seriously annoyed with somebody on a different thread. Anybody have kitties or puppies?

    • Sheepshagger

      Hookie cutter subdivisions?

      • The same plastic surgeon did their implants?

    • Doug Langley

      Separated at birth? Oh Gawd, what am I saying??

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler
    • Suse

      It would be a real shame if people were to share this all over the intertubez.

      • Doug Langley

        I can’t wait to not share it.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Eww eww eww. That Trump is a creep.

    • Rick Hill

      “I keep telling you, daddy. I’m married now, it has to be different with us.”
      “Well, how am I gonna scratch my itch, now?”
      “You’ll find a substitute, daddy. You always do.”

    • OrdinaryJoe

      So he was banging a porn star who is nearly the same age as his daughter and has a very similar look. Ewe factor high.

    • Smoke O’Hontas

      Oh, I am SO stealing that!

  • Picabo
    • Begin Anew Day

      Fare thee well O mighty one, beloved of Crom, and hero of my youth.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      Ali was The Greatest.

      Trump banned his son from entering the country. Because Trump = The Worst.

    • Calli Arcale

      I actually laughed out loud. :-D The dog is staring at me.

  • Doug Langley

    Okay. Finally heard from unemployment folks. Benefits denied. After 2 and half months of forms, phone calls, online, info, faxes, etc etc.

    Good news: got appts at food pantries. One next Monday, the other first of Feb. Will stretch finances greatly. That just leaves rent. Will talk to rent assistance people Monday.

    • Suse

      Oh, jeeze! You have really been through the wringer, Doug. I’m so sorry, but glad you come back here to keep us updated and that you’re getting some help. Hugs!

      • Doug Langley

        And I’ve never told you people about my childhood yet. Seriously.

    • Sheepshagger

      You ever considered kidnapping bankers? I hear they pay out like slot machines when you whip a toe off.

  • TJ Barke
    • Doug Langley

      “You’re guilty. It’s only a question of what.”

    • wait! what?

      I dunno.

      It could be a lady cat…

    • Kateaux

      Commander Samuel Vimes, Housecat.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      Don’t call him Shirley!

  • Wackyland Radio Resistor

    I changed cable providers when I moved and now I get all those high number channels that show bad sitcoms from the seventies and eighties. Aw yeah, that’s the stuff. I just watched five minutes of a Hogan’s Family and young Jason Bateman was just adorbs. Can’t stomach My Two Dad’s though, didn’t like it back then, and Evigan’s aggressive mullet is way too distracting now. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5aa1c24758dac8a01040877439ec36967c8a658be408b2dd5d5656052f558aaa.jpg

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I’m screwed when crossword puzzles start referring to those shows.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        Yeah, I didn’t watch TV for like 12 years, so I have no idea either.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Might be 20 for me, except for a few pbs series on dvd

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      I am watching old episodes of MacGyver on amazon prime right now. Some of the old shows are pretty funny especially when you see the special effects then vs now.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I had the BIGGEST crush on MacGyver when I was a kid.

    • JaveyDay
    • MamaBrown

      I know what you mean. I have 75 episodes of Barney Miller on my dvr as we speak.

  • Red Bird

    OT. I think everyone should know that I’ve planned to just watch a movie on Netflix tonight and go to bed early. That’s how I roll when it’s cold outside.

    • Suse

      Have some cocoa!

    • altleftjohn

      In my day we had to walk four miles through the snow before we could watch a movie on Netflix.

      • Lord Jim

        Uphill. Both ways.

    • janecita

      I watched “Stardust” again today. I love that movie almost as much as I love the book.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      I’ve been in my pajamas all day and just opened a bottle of Smith’s Organic Cherry Ale.

      • Red Bird

        I see you, cynmac.

  • I got some bad news. Gary was “Just changing the spark plugs” he said.

    We are all stuck in this time period for a while…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1f6087d86e8a829863f1ef9d49961b33d4821dd9252d2a035f7b08596f9a558a.jpg

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Dammit Gary, you had one job.

    • ManchuCandidate

      Mr Fusion recall 2023… oh right. You’ll find out 6 years from now.

    • Ωbjectifier

      You have to remove the flux capacitor first.

    • Doug Langley

      You put the lightning rod in the wrong place.

  • Bananas Foster

    Ah, we have to wait until tomorrow for something on Flake?

    I’m sure someone has already made the Flake News! Sad! joke.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Flake said something today, but he will still vote with Trump and wont actually do anything.

      http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/17/politics/jeff-flake-donald-trump-white-house-congress/index.html

      • Bananas Foster

        Oh, I know, but the article will be highly entertaining.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      It was the patented Jeff Flake Faux Sincerity Tour, making a brave stand for freedom of the press, meanwhile voting to allow Trump greater powers in warrantless wiretapping. I’m beginning to think he has a split personality.

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        Freedum for the Fart Noise Channel to spew propagandist lies in the name of frozen peaches, but not freedum for anyone to call them out — or Trump. Shut up, Jeff.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          What he said was actually good…it’s just that he’s such a spineless little coward, he’ll roll over and do pet tricks on the carpet to get a treat from Trump when the time comes.

      • DrBigHead

        Would explain a lot.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Or he really is just THAT gigantic of a lying asshole.

          • DrBigHead

            Occam’s razor suggests the latter

  • Sheepshagger

    The story of hooky the cripple. By Chopper Reid. https://vimeo.com/12279886

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    It’s getting a little “rules-y” around here.
    1) Don’t call horrible women “bitch.”
    2) Don’t make fun of DOTUS’s height and weight (even though the claims strain credulity).
    3) Don’t call Miss Lindsey “Miss” Lindsey.

    Harumph. If this keeps up I will begin to testify about a certain crustacean preserved in a certain way.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      This isn’t Daily Kos. Is this Daily Kos, Danny?

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Maybe just don’t be an asshole?

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      1) Can we say “bitchy”?
      2) Can we make fun of his hair and small hands?
      3) Can we just just forget about Lindsey Graham?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Trump has feelings too, ya know. Or DOES he???

    • JaveyDay

      I agree with rule number one. It’s up there with using “pussy” as an insult. Flip it around. Use something like “angry deflated nutsack”

    • Sheepshagger

      Eh that short fat bitch Donald is still beautiful to Lindsay.

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        Troublemaker!

    • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

      You can do whatever the fuck you want, but the rest of us get to has opinions on it, you MONSTER.

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Oh, but I won’t, because I am nice to my fellow Wonkers.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      2) But I just found the answer to an important question I have been wondering about for the past 10 years.

      How much would a pile of shit 6’3″ tall weigh?

      The answer is 239 pounds.

    • amrak63

      If you mean clams, they are mollusks, not crustaceans.

  • JaveyDay

    Whenever I read Gorka’s name I’m reminded of this song. I absolutely loved this song when I was a wee lad.

    Walking down the street
    Distant memories
    Are buried in the past forever
    I follow the Moskva
    Down to Gorky Park
    Listening to the wind of change

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4RjJKxsamQ

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Sports fan charged with “taunting a police animal” after punching police horse
    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/philadelphia-eagles-police-horse-fan-punch-stadium-kicked-out-atlanta-falcons-ppd-a8164051.html
    This isn’t funny, but I smiled anyway because it reminds me of “Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!”

    • Ωbjectifier
      • TootsStansbury

        That was exactly the first thing to come to mind.

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        Now that I see the gif, you can kinda see the rider bringing the “stunthorse” down to do this trick (and I don’t think Mongo actually touches the horse).
        I feel better now.

    • TootsStansbury

      Poor horse.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I wish the horse had bitten him. Better yet, kicked him.

        • shivaskeeper

          Even with cause, the horse wouldn’t. Not without a warning first.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Mongo in Blazin Saddles comes to mind.

      • shivaskeeper

        As shitty as this is going to sound, I seriously doubt the horse was hurt. Startled a bit maybe, but even then, it didn’t try to bolt, or attack if it felt cornered, so probably not that startled either.

        • DrBigHead

          Of course I don’t know this for sure, but I suspect the horse was trained to do that. The rider pulls up on the reigns and the horse drops.

          • shivaskeeper

            The horse in Blazing Saddles? Of course it was trained to do that. I mean the horse in the article.

          • DrBigHead

            I guess I need to pay more attention. My apologies. Was moving up the comments and didn’t get farther than the Blazing Saddles clip. Didn’t see that this actually happened.

    • Ωbjectifier

      That’s not a horse, you’re just banging two coconuts together.

    • shivaskeeper

      That’s a really good way to break you hand right before you get put in the handcuffs.

    • TootsStansbury

      You know, those police horses are funny, at least the DC park police ones are. One took my shoes when I was a teen. Picked them right up (they were cloth slippers) and was al nuh uh, not giving them back. Another time i was in this art thing on the mall and was petting a horse nose at my display when horse was distracted by lady’s straw hat with flowers! Snatch!

  • Mahousu

    If you really need to get your mind off something, may I suggest:
    http://www.online-literature.com/twain/3268/

    • Wackyland Radio Resistor

      Ha! Twain tackles the earworm!

  • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

    So this is how you do shit in a civilized country, because no excuses. Now if only someone could charge Facebook with the crime of continuing to exist.

    Danish police charge more than 1,000 for sharing revenge porn on Facebook

    But in ‘Murica, there’d be an outcry over frozen peaches, and a flood of victim-blaming “if you don’t want it shared don’t take the photo” bullshit. As the Internet is global, it needs a netiquette law that spans the globe, period. I don’t think ‘Murica should set the parameters because it always pulls up whataboutism like this. Have the Scandis in charge and put shithole countries like America and Russia in timeout.

  • Reximus
  • Begin Anew Day

    Driven by curiosity I paid a visit to The Department Of Commerce website. I did a little snooping and, sure enough, I found out that the standard pound no longer weighs sixteen ounces. As of two days ago It had been increased to 22 ounces!

    I’ll leave it to the math wonks to calculate how much donnie t’s “239 pounds” works out to.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      329

    • altleftjohn

      I think it’s called the Imperial pound.

      • Begin Anew Day

        With donnie I think I will go with the Imperial Fuck-Ton.

    • notaten

      OK , that explains why a 10lb bag of taters at the Walmart only weighs 7.4 lbs. Genius! I don’t buy my veggies at Walmart, but I saw a guy weighing a bag of potatoes one day, so I asked why, he showed me that most of the bags only weighed 7.5 – 9.5 lbs.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        The bag is made to hold 10 pounds. That doesn’t mean they have to put 10 pounds in the bag.

        • notaten

          That’s true, but this dude was very upset that he was paying for 10lbs and only getting about 8 or so. I told him to go to the locally owned grocery store where it would only cost him another couple of cents per pound for locally grown better potatoes. I think he took my advice because I’ve seen him there a few times since then.

    • Nasty Woman Persisted

      (6*239) /16=89.625
      89.625+239=328.625

      • Begin Anew Day

        looks good.

      • Bobathonic

        Interesting approach.
        Ignoring decimals:

        (22/16)*239=329

        • Bobathonic

          239 new pounds times 22 = 5258 constant ounces
          5258 constant ounces divided by 16 = 328.65 old pounds

    • Lord Jim

      22/16 = x/229 -> (229*22)/16 = x -> x = 314.875

      • Opalescent Riddles

        Except Dolard’s weight is 239, not 229.

        • Lord Jim

          Ah SHIT.

    • JaveyDay

      I’m sure their faces are all crooked and ugly.

      • torturedsoul

        And marked by bad teeth and extra nasal hair.

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • altleftjohn

      Have these people been drinking raw water?

    • Doug Langley

      It finally happened. They ran out of things to say about emails.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Sounds about right.

    • WannabeTraveler

      I don’t live on the same planet with those supporters, its confusing, their perception does not seem to be based in any reality.They give credit to djt for things done under Obama, its so frustrating!!!!!!

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      So, read it. All people who voted for Trump.

      No one trawling the Deep South or the Midwest for liberals, huh? Fucking assholes.

    • gallbladder

      “Progress?!?”

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      NYT: “Why do you still support Trump?”

      Trump supporter:

      https://i.imgur.com/5m8AdGi.gif

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The caps lock on the printing press is going to be sorely tested.

      • GreenGoldSharpie

        So are… the… periods….

        • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

          Maybe some commas,,, too …!

          • GreenGoldSharpie

            Haha, more reason to laugh at Trumpanzees. I like to read them in Shatner’s voice in my head.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            They’re WILL be apostrophe abuse. Its you’re turn now.

    • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

      We haven’t heard from them enough, obviously. They need lots more page space. It’s gonna be a great year, guys!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Pretty hard to consider them “forgotten Americans” when there’s been about four lengthy profiles a week about them since the election.

    • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

      What I want to know is: why does the NYT bother printing anything that WASN’T written by or about a Trump supporter?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Will they also ask these Trumpanzees what Tide pods taste like?

      • Bobathonic

        Well you ask someone who knows the answer.

    • JaveyDay

      I just asked my dog to explain quantum mechanics to me.

      Her answer was way more intelligent than anything these moron froth monsters have to say.

    • starfanglednut

      Omg, fuck those fucking people. I don’t care if they’re seeing the light, or if they’re not. They have destroyed the world.

    • theblackdog

      Why oh why is anyone still reading them at this point? This should be yet another reason to cancel a subscription.

    • Petunia Cat

      Who the fuck are these people? What on earth? Now seriously I want to know why they’re doing something that’s crazy. Are the NYT people delusional, and they think some good thing is gonna come out of this? Or are they intentionally being evil and insane? What the fuck. Next Thursday are they going to have people who supported Trump and don’t anymore? That would be useful. 66 fucking % of the country want him the fuck gone. Why why why why why do they do this? 😠😠😠😡🤮

    • Catstro, Very Stable Girther
    • Lord Jim

      Has the NYT asked the neoNazis’ opinion on the Jewish question?

    • Werewolf

      Another damn Cletus Safari.

  • Rick Hill

    Jeffy must have grown a small pair. Maybe he just put some truck nutz on his Caddy.

    “The Fake News media (failing NY Times, CNN, NBC News and many more) is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the American people.”
    — Trump, 2017

    “We are in an era in which the authoritarian impulse is reasserting itself…It is a testament to the condition of our democracy that our own President uses words infamously spoken by Josef Stalin to describe his enemies. It bears noting that so fraught with malice was the phrase ‘enemy of the people,’ that even Nikita Khruschev forbade its use, telling the Soviet Communist Party that the phrase had been introduced by Stalin for the purpose of ‘annihilating such individuals’ who disagreed with the supreme leader.”
    — Sen. Jeff Flake on Senate floor this morning

    • Sheepshagger

      “Now let’s vote for war!”

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      And now the NRA has started attacking him. Fascists.

      • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

        But no, really, they only care about citizens’ gun rights, they haven’t become a general-purpose right-wing bad idea clearinghouse funded by horrifying global paramilitary organizations and Russia. They’re totally grassroots American.

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          They did say that their members need to shoot those liberals.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “More warrantless wiretapping powers for you, mein fuhrer? Count on my vote!”

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      “Now, what’s Trump’s next issue I can vote for?”

    • TJ Barke

      This is what your right wing media has been building for 30 years, Flake. Go Flake yourself.

    • Petunia Cat

      So exactly one member of the GOP has moved all the way up to merely Nikita Khrushchev level awfulness. Good to know. 👍🏼

  • Duke

    I wonder what the Trump’s discussed at dinner this evening.

    • Reximus

      >You gonna eat that skin?>

      • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

        This is my new favorite all-purpose out-of-context quote.

      • Mike Minden

        If you believe David Icke – yes, yes they are.

    • Duke

      Now that I think about it: Punctuation

  • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

    It ‘pears us Mountaineers are up for sum larnin’:

    http://www.wsaz.com/content/news/WVa–469737723.html

    • altleftjohn

      All students learn at different rates.

      • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

        We do better with pictures!

  • nightmoth

    YAY! Open thread, and it started with porn stars and stuff, so looky here, all you wonky pervs, at what I found on a beach in Scotland last August!

  • Begin Anew Day

    As a helper sort of person I thought I might just leave this here at wonkette where someone may pick it up and run with it.

    Sign idea for Saturday: the words “Stable Genius” applied to a giant horses ass with donnie dropping out the orifice.

    What?!! C’mon! That’s going to be a great sign! Get to work you photoshop wizards! Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?

    LOL! (exit stage right)

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
      • Begin Anew Day

        ***sigh***

        and

        ****swooon*****

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          I would rather not think about the Orange moron anymore then I have to.

      • SDGeoff3

        After spending a couple of minutes staring at that beautiful photo, I’m too calm for words. Thanks for bringing this. A nice quiet dinner is in order now. It will involve linguini.

    • Nasty Woman Persisted

      With Putin riding the horse bare chested, just like tRump likes it?

    • suziq

      See? Funny and has nothing to do with POLITICS!!1! Which is just what I needed.

  • clairence

    Did anyone catch SHS today at the presser saying:

    I think we’ve been dealing with this hoax for the better part of a year. If we have to endure the ridiculousness for another month, we can certainly handle it.

    Sounds like they have a plan. And she followed up with:

    Do the American people deserve that? No, I don’t think they do.

    Whatever the hell that means.

    • Bobathonic

      “Follow up question, Poots: is that when Trump plans to fire Mueller?”

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • Ryan Denniston

      His service was in relieving a nation from continued torture. Also, to predisent 392