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Oh hey look, White House doc Ronny Jackson briefed this afternoon on the results of Donald Trump’s physical, and says President Beef Poots is BIGLY in good health and YOOGELY athletic and also that he weighs 239 pounds.

To which we reply, oh Jesus, Ronny Jackson, what threats did he make on you?

This man, who is reportedly 6 feet and 3 inches, according to the physical, is 239 pounds? Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

The only way that man, with that dumpster butt and those haunches, is 239 pounds is if he has literally zero muscle in his body, which, come to think of it, is entirely possible. He does think exercise kills. And somehow we doubt he was ever much for throwing Barron into the air like normal dads do. He did reportedly chase that one porn star around in his tighty-whitey underpanties though, which coulda burned a few calories we guess, but …

Now, as pretty much every one of yr Wonkettes was just discussing in the secret chatcave, we have ALL gained 25 pounds this year, because that is what happens when Donald Trump becomes president and you stop sleeping and you are depressed all the time so you eat pie and alcohol for breakfast. IT HAPPENS, and we are all making a list and checking it twice about when we are getting back into the gym, you betcha. We are literally thinking about it right now, comforted by the fact we have a gym membership we have not used since …

Anyway, Dr. Jackson also reported that he gave Trump a brain test, at Trump’s request. It is the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, and President MENSA got a perfect score of 30 out of 30! Here is a three point question:

Another three point question is “Draw a clock where it is 10 past 11” and a two point question is “What do banana and orange have in common?” We are very comforted to know the president can capably tell time and say “CAMEL!” and that “banana and orange are gross give me one million Big Macs.” But can he point in the sky and say “AIRP’ANE”?

That is what we would like to know.

Anyway point being:

Oh fuck you.

Of course, if Trump is not full of dementia, that means his brain just naturally that broken, which is horrifying. Also it means he can’t plead insanity to Robert Mueller when he goes for his interview, assuming one happens.

So, how much is Dr. Ronny Jackson lying right now? Too much or just the right amount? Discuss it in the comments of this, your open thread!

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  • proudgrampa

    If he’s 239, I’m 150.

    (I’m NOT 150).

  • Scooby

    Maybe we just switched to the metric system for today.

  • WiscoJoe

    A lie can travel halfway around the world while Trump is still putting on his pants (because it takes a long time for Trump to put on his pants because he’s fat and stupid).

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      I don’t know why, but the phrase “fat and stupid” makes me laugh…maybe it’s because of Throw Momma from the Train…

      • WiscoJoe

        This presidency truly is a 1980’s Danny DeVito comedy, minus the laughs.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Huh. Trump is one pair of thick, wooly socks away from being obese.

  • DainBramage

    They had SpaceX take Trump to Mars for the weigh in.

    • ChumpsForTrump

      That poor, poor rocket.. I bet it lost a few pounds, just in sweat!

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      I didn’t think SpaceX made boosters big enough.

  • La forza del resistino
    • Me not sure

      He put them under his pillow and the Bone Spur Fairy left him a hooker.

      • vukojebina_MΩment

        and soiled sheets.

        • Me not sure

          No…no, those were already there.

  • Nasty Woman Persisted
  • mrFawkes

    293 lbs of shit stuffed into a 239 lb bag.

    • Me not sure

      When he dies they’ll give him an enema and bury him in a shoebox.

      • proudgrampa

        Conflated shitbag?

  • DainBramage
    • Mentally Stable Ron

      No, but we will use it with great glee.

    • Jimh

      OMG This.

      • Jacqueline

        Goo-g-le is paying $97 per h-o-ur,with weekly p-a-youts.Y-o-u can al-s-o avail this.O-n tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 t-h-is last four weeks..wi-t-h-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever d-o-ne .. It sou-n-ds unbelievable but you wont forgive y-o-urself if you don’t check it!ix63g:➱➱➱ http://GoogleCashCareerFxOpportunity/earn/hourly ♥♥j♥♥♥f♥v♥♥♥g♥♥♥q♥♥j♥g♥♥♥f♥♥♥a♥♥♥k♥♥m♥♥♥u♥d♥♥♥m♥♥♥z♥♥♥n♥♥♥l♥♥h♥♥n♥r♥♥♥z♥m♥d♥♥♥d♥o:::::!jw31n:lhuhu

    • Jet Fuel cant melt the pounds away from his fat ass?

    • Daniel

      No, because of the concurrent porn star accusations confusing the label.

    • javadavis

      I think Mr. Hayes just did.

  • janecita
    • thewalkindude

      Perfect embodiment of the GOP “I got mine, fuck you” mindset

    • ((( Augustus )))

      I really feel bad for that little kid

  • Major^3 Andre

    All Hail President Meatsweats.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The good doctor sez he has incredible genes. These https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/afc8fe9a8fbda05f744656cc651441eb31574f11b80fb18545476f371c3ab620.jpg guys have incredible jeans:

    • Very Stable Bozi

      Are those sassy pants?

  • Bub the very stable zombie
    • CripesAmighty

      Yep. It’s on the schedule right after the ‘London Tour of Triumph and Bigly’.

    • NotReallyHere

      So far I have managed to refrain from commenting on SHS’s fashion choices. But give us a fucking break, Sarah, that dayglo fushia pink is making me see spots.

    • Relativicus

      I thought that was supposed to be a couple weeks ago?

      • Bub the very stable zombie

        It was.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Yeah, so I’m a 6’0 man with about the same shoulder/chest dimensions as Trump, but I’m a size 36 waist. And I weigh 185.

    That Trump, who has 3 inches and I can’t even imagine how many belt sizes on me, is only 50 pounds heavier is absolutely spit-my-drink-out preposterous. The only way he’d weigh only that much is if he were literally made of shit.

    Then again…

    • maxneanderthal

      Abso-fucking-lootley. Where the fuck would you distribute “50” pounds to make the fucker that fat? That’s like saying Jabba the Hutt is only “50” pounds more than a bull elephant seal…

  • Hobbes’ like, smart Evil Twin

    I like Drumpf’s weight loss program! I am now a svelte 185.

    • therblig

      i’m 7′ 8″

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      I’m short for my height…

  • Ling Ling

    I am going to share TMI: I am 6 foot 4 and weigh 250 pounds. I look way better than Trumpolini, who has to be well beyond 300. Total BS. I can still rock a miniskirt.

    • maxneanderthal

      6′ 2″, 275, but that’s 30 years of powerlifting for ya.
      239? typo! the 2 and the 3 got transposed there, methinks..

      • Jimh

        23.9 stone?

        • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

          0.1572 Fodder

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      So pictures, just so we can compare? I’m not a nasty lecherous old lady, just scientific study, mind you.

      • Hiss

        I really don’t want pix of Trump in a miniskirt.

    • Meccalopolis

      I like where this thread is going

  • vukojebina_MΩment

    So, how much is Dr. Ronny Jackson lying right now?

    5 of 5 Goebbelses.
    Would not ask for the time of day.

  • Slinger

    Doctor was forced to sign a confidentially contract to not tell the truth about $trump’s health.

    • Maybe they have his family as hostages.

  • PersianOregano

    Does Walter Reed have some sort of reduced gravity chamber? That could make the weight accurate if I recall my physics correctly.

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      You do. And they measured him on Mars.

      • Hiss

        They weighed him underwater. In the orca tank.

        • Mentally Stable Ron

          Overheard from the orcas:
          ‘Jeez, this guy’s big as a goddamned whale.’
          ‘Oh, man, you did NOT just go there.’

    • Me not sure

      A variation of gravity of that magnitude might set off a cosmic rending of time-space that would end the universe as we (think) we know it.

  • Indiepalin

    Is that a liger? Because a liger is probably my favorite animal

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      I’ve never seen a liger with a mane.
      I just realised, Nook the liger has been gone ten years now. Absolute sweetheart, even if he did love to terrify newcomers by pushing down his enclosure’s fence.

    • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

      Napoleon Dynamite Libelz!!!1!

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Ronny, if you’re being held hostage, blink twice.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    NO way that fuck weighs less than me.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Or me. And I eat better and get WAY more exercise than he does. I’ve never even BEEN in a golf cart.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        It’s like when he said he had very little debt because he was in real estate. What the what? We know how real estate is financed, and we know how body mass works. It’s just insulting to tell those lies.

  • Thiazin Red

    I’ve lost weight. Stress makes me not able to eat, so hey theres that.

    • Yep, I’m the same way.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      I’m sorry you’re stressed. I tend to stress eat, myself…

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    He does think exercise kills

    Glad I got my run in today. If I live, I disprove his dumb-ass idea. If I die, I don’t have to live under the reign of Donald the Terrible. Maybe I’ll pop by the gym after work for a second workout!

  • mrFawkes

    A McDonalds asst manager, who is a savant when it comes to obesity and guessing people’s corect weight, told me trump weighs in at 1268 Quarter Pounders.

    • Bub the very stable zombie

      How many quatloos for a Quater pounder?

      • mrFawkes

        16.5 Bitcoins with fromage.

        • Bub the very stable zombie

          Ooooh! Sweet deal!

        • Lambsendbeds

          I prefer my Bitcoins with frottage, thank you very much !

          • major_asshole

            Can I get a Happy Meal…er…Ending?

  • Nockular cavity

    we have ALL gained 25 pounds this year

    That’s an awful lot in two weeks, guys.

    • mappo

      Hold my beer.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    I’m at work but just saw this on CNN.com and rushed over to leave a comment on whatever thread was up.

    I’m half a foot shorter than Trump at weighed 224 this morning…NO FUCKING WAY HE’S just under 240.

    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      More like over 340+

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        at 270 I didn’t look as bad as trump does – 280 or 300 at least.

    • YayConspiracy

      The doctor used the metric system.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Agreed. My fiancé is 5’11” and about 260, and he is less chunky than Trump. Those gonads under Trumps chin are a dead giveaway.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        aye indeed…sadly my midsection looks a lot like his (proportionally to my height), which is how I KNOW that’s a damn lie (or the weight does not include his dense head).

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          Well age gets to us. In fiancés case, stress eating, also.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            I’ve always been big – but mostly cause lazy, hate exercise and love junk/fast food.

            I was sad when I realized I was at one time heavier than homer simpson’s alleged weight in the show – but the realization that my appearance is like trump’s. I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE GYM.

          • Mentally Stable Ron

            You too? I still am, but since I don’t have the build for a chorus-man’s waist I just converted as much of it as I could into muscle. Could still stand to lose 20 pounds, but my doctor’s happy enough. Provided I stop chopping off bits of myself.

          • Doug Langley
  • Most Stable Land Shark
    • JaveyDay

      Donard is still the problem.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Why not both?

  • YayConspiracy

    All loser animals from shithole countries. No? Shithouse?

  • Michael R

    House Panel Subpoenas Bannon “On The Spot” Over
    Refusal To Answer Questions On Time In White House

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/be3d58157fa886d60c03988a94043442745ef26a958edc320f367d649deacf54.gif

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    Will wonkette report on the fake news awards tomorrow night?

    • Most Stable Land Shark

      I expect a LIVE BLOG directly from the red carpet! With dead Joan Rivers!

    • I put it at 50/50 odds that it doesn’t happen, then he denies ever saying it would happen.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        He will reschedule it and it will happen in 2 weeks.

  • JaveyDay

    Super-secret Wonketeria chatcave? JEALOUS

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      You get used to being on the Outside. I know I have. < sobs >

  • Slinger

    Only 239 pounds, drinking 12 Diet Cokes a day paid off!

    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      The good doctor must be dyslexic.
      The Dotard is not a pound under 329.

    • Me not sure

      The caffiene in 12 Diet Cokes alone would probably explain his sleeping habits.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    What are the similarities between a banana and an orange?

    1) They are both fruits, but not like Lindsey Graham is a fruit.
    2) They both have a peel, but not like I have a peel. I am the most appealing man in human history!
    3) They both are starburst flavors I don’t like, so my pal Kevin McCarthy doesn’t give me those.

    Hmm, you managed to give three responses that while technically correct, indicate that you are a stupid asshole. Nevertheless, by the rules of the test, you pass, I guess?

    • Rick Hill

      Neither one is a gorilla

  • Yesterday the legendary Joe Frank passed away and I’m shook up about it. Listening to Joe Frank back in the 80’s helped shape who I am today. His surreal, dark, funny, and wild stories poked me in the ribs and helped send me on my journey. Joe Frank was THE storyteller of our time. Have a listen and see what you think. He would be honored.

    RIP Joe Frank, thank you.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6vVXzqOADo

    https://www.joefrank.com/

  • Asterix

    I don’t give a shit what Trump’s health is. I do care that my own eyes and ears can tell me that Navy Doctor is lying.

  • La forza del resistino

    You got your Medical Doctors and then you got your Spin Doctors. The doc is currently a Rear (pun intended) Admiral. His full Admiral hat is in the mail.

    • susan_g

      I’m sure that something really sweet was offered but cheeto don’t pay, except for porn stars.

  • Rick Hill
  • Slinger
  • Michael R
  • Bub the very stable zombie
    • Jimh

      Breitbart: “Cuck Snowflakes Can’t the Cube Heat”

    • Bad Scooter

      Hannity: “up next, I’ll tell you about the latest attack by liberals in an attempt to discredit our president.”

    • The fact that there is even an ice cube means global warming is a hoax! More coal, more oil, more pollution, more cancer!!!

    • mappo

      Kirstjen Nielsen: Strong language was used, but I don’t recall if the president specifically used the word “ice”.

  • CripesAmighty
  • (((Sedagive)))

    Humans can too be awesome goddamnit!

    Woman helps butterfly with broken wing fly for first time: https://www.thedodo.com/in-the-wild/woman-fixes-monarch-butterfly-broken-wing

    I’m not crying.

  • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

    Yeeeahhh, I looked roughly that fat at 230, and I’m only like 5′ 8″. There’s no way, unless his bones are hollow or something.

    • RMKH

      Well, obviously his skull is lighter than air, so that explains it to me.

    • Werewolf

      Yeah, I’m 5’8” and weigh about 180. No way IQ45 only weighs 59 lbs more than me at 6’4”.

  • BearGHAZI

    My $5 Wonket donation is funding an unused gym membership? GET THEE TO THE ELLIPTICAL

    • TundraGrifter

      Dilly dilly!

    • alpacapunchbowl

      At least let him wait til February, let the resolution crowd clear out. Nobody wants to wait in line for a machine.

      • puredog

        Rully. January exercisers. Fucking parvenus.

  • JaveyDay

    Any brave souls want to post this on Blightfart? I dare not sully my non-commenting history.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ac9ea436748956ab82f5d8c99cc28fce992748aa9eace70dbe2638a0f45ceb66.jpg

  • TundraGrifter

    “What do banana and orange have in common?”

    “Neither one is an apple.”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “…which shows that Samsung is making everything these days…those South Koreans are prospering while we have to deal with North Korea…they should be paying us…and thanking us.”

      It’s important to provide the full response for an accurate test result.

    • Baconzgood

      They aren’t used as curling equipment?

    • Daniel

      Republics are ruined by both.

  • vukojebina_MΩment

    The alleged weight puts him just one pound from the classification of ‘obese’. Coinkydink?
    http://www.businessinsider.com/trump-obese-doctor-says-to-lose-10-to-15-pounds-2018-1

    • ChumpsForTrump

      Hmm..

  • Latverian Diplomat

    They used the same weight scale Trump uses to claim that steel imports are way down.

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      I hear his lumber is softwood, too.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        No wonder he doesn’t want Canadian imports.

  • Doug Langley

    What the doc neglected to mention is that Donnie is 239 kilos, not pounds.

  • ChumpsForTrump

    Did he really say Emperor Dementia (E.D. for short) had “great genes”?

    This is the kind of ridiculous bullshit that you would expect from North Korea..

    • MynameisBlarney

      And/or Nazi Germany.

    • JaveyDay

      It’s a True Religion. But his ass looks fat in those genes.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Funny, never heard of a regular checkup that included a complete genetic workup. Nor one that can be done in an afternoon.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
  • MynameisBlarney

    So…here’s the skinny on Graham’s verbal smackdown after turmps “Shithole countries” remark.

    https://crooksandliars.com/2018/01/graham-ripped-trump-white-house-my-family

    Good on ya, Sen. Graham.
    Too bad your backbone takes vacations at odd times.

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      So what shithole did Graham’s fambly come from?

      • MynameisBlarney

        Ireland most likely.

  • ArgieBargie

    Come on, it’s not like this President surrounds himself with shameless sycophants who have no problem with lying, and then bullying the media when questioned on the accuracy of their statements.

  • Baconzgood

    He weighs 239 lbs because his head is filled with hydrogen.

  • La forza del resistino

    Charles Barkley and most Kardashians are in awe of those booty pics.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Trying to figure out what a banana and an orange have in common is going to keep me up at night.

    • If you add another orange, and arrange them correctly, they look like a dick and balls?

    • HogeyeGrex

      They’re in the same knock-knock joke.

    • Most Stable Land Shark

      The answer is Hitler. “Hitler has only got one ball …”

  • BMW

    In fairness to the makers of whatever cognitive test was used, even Alzheimer’s patients have some good days.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      The Montreal test is easy enough to pass unless you’re so far gone you’re wearing your underpants over your head. It’s an initial diagnostic indicator for whether you need further testing.
      I’d be more interested to see how he’d do during one of his temper tantrums.

  • I’m like 5’10, and at my absolute heaviest I was 230 (I’m down to a lean 212 now, and actively losing still, yay!) and I never looked CLOSE to as fat as that gross pig man.

    • HogeyeGrex

      I’m close enough to that, and I’ve got a big belly, but my ass doesn’t look anything even vaguely like that. If that dude only outweighs me by 20 pounds, I’ll eat my shorts.

      • puredog

        That’s a large order.

        • HogeyeGrex

          As I said, my butt is still, well, if not svelte, at least reasonable.
          I didn’t say I’d eat his.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

    Trump’s ass alone weighs 239 lbs.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Assumption that there is anything about him that is not ass: incorrect.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    I have a cousin who used to be that weight. He was quite lean as a teenager but put on more and more weight because he became addicted to Coca-Cola. Now he’s only allowed one bottle per week.
    He was nowhere near as tall as Trump and certainly didn’t look that fat.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wait wait wait wait wait WAIT a second. He’s got an “above average exercise capacity for someone his weight and gender”?

    Only if that means he’s equating lifting Big Macs and KFC to doing curls.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      They consider his golf cart rides as “cardio”.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Above average exercise capacity for someone who admitted he does not exercise?
      Shoot me now.

      • Kryptonian Canis

        I wouldn’t be surprised if they were including the entire bracket of men who are 70-80 years old to come up with these averages.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Does that mean he could do a lot more exercising? Like when you have an empty bucket it has an above average water holding capacity compared to the 3 half full buckets next to it.

    • maxneanderthal

      The average? What about the median? The “average” may have included one or two outliers. Who were dead.

    • Thiazin Red

      What now? The guy who took a golf cart rather than a brief walk during a summit?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The upper body strength required to saw through one of those well-done steaks deserves at least a little respect.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Every time he swings the golf club, that’s another rep. And we’re just going to assume that he walks down to the greens (instead of driving his fat ass right up to the hole, in a golf cart). Executive privilege!

  • James Baskin

    Hollow man.

    • clairence

      Brainless.

    • Daniel

      Bleating together
      Hairpiece made of straw

    • cmd resistor

      Birds have hollow bones.

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    The scale might have displayed 239, but only if they had propped up his prodigious keister with a fork-lift.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      They calibrated the scale so it said -29 before he stepped on it.

      • Dreaming Vertebrate

        you must mean -290

        • Cat Cafe

          Came here to say the exact same thing

        • Latverian Diplomat

          It’s called “affirmative action”.

  • Very Stable Bozi

    Melania – “239 lbs!!?! Fuck Me! (No, don’t fuck me!)”

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    all the “those goddamn fucking liars” and fat jokes aside – I was just telling a coworker, the thing about his weight is that it ABSOLUTELY means his BP is out of control, unless he takes HEAVY pills.

    Which means the U.S. president, at age 71, could drop dead from a heart attack or have a stroke at any minute AND WE’RE BEING LIED TO ABOUT IT.

    (Who knew West Wing’s storyline about MS would be so relevant…in a terrifying way).

    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      >> could drop dead from a heart attack or have a stroke at any minute, …

      Thoughts and prayers!!

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      I jumped the gun and didn’t see this.

      blood pressure was 122/74.

      That a bit high on the high end – which means the general picture of trump’s health is both a lie and misleading in one sentence.

      • cmd resistor

        That’s actually pretty decent BP, at least before the last guidelines changed. I only got in that area with BP meds, though.

        • ChumpsForTrump

          But.. given the claim about his weight, who wants to hazard a guess as to what its real blood pressure is?

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        Nothing wrong with 122/74

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          not bad – certainly better than might – i guess “bit” was too strong a word. Or, in the alternative, it’s not the BP of someone in “Excellent” health.

        • puredog

          I came here to say just that.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        His size, diet, lack of meaningful exercise (golf doesn’t make you slimmer – case in point, John Daly) suggest that he’s only got those numbers by a) lying, or b) taking something like Coversyl.

    • JaveyDay

      Don’t get our hopes up.

    • OutOfOrbit

      such a stoopid lie cuz WE ARE NOT BLIND DUH!!!

      • We’re not the ones he’s lying for. He’s lying for his ever-shrinking base.

        • OutOfOrbit

          That sound I hear is 2,000,000 tRumpsters scratching their heads while weighing themselves

    • Mike Minden

      Quit trying to cheer me up!

    • Courser_Resistance

      We should be so fucking lucky (with ‘votes’ et. al., etc. ad nauseum)

    • jowgajen

      Not the case. We like to think these things are under our control, so we conflate that a high BMI is linked to higher chance of high blood pressure with directly causes high blood pressure. There are many other factors at play, it’s quite likely Trump simply has good genes and good luck.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Not how I would define ‘quite likely.’

    • puredog

      Well, that’s okay that we’re being lied to about it; it’ll just mean that it will be a pleasant surprise when it happens!

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        I love the optimism today from the Wonkers.

        Last night everybody was pretty melancholic.

        • Mentally Stable Ron

          We’re hysterical.

        • Doug Langley

          I had a good first class today, so somewhat mellow. You?

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            still at work – did a time-costing favor for someone who just walked away without saying thank you.

            Grrr. And I have deadlines goddamit.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Wouldn’t be the first time.

  • mrFawkes

    “Hold my beer.” —President Taft

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      I’ll bet Taft carried it better. His suits certainly fit better.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      (gives Trump a keg)

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Wait. Did the doc administer the test? Wouldn’t a diagnostician or some type of mental health professional do that? I call fake news!

  • clairence

    I’m 6’1″, and I didn’t look near that pudgy when I weighed 239.
    I’d guess they weighed him with one foot on the floor.

  • BMW

    I would like to think I am a bit thinner than Trump, and weigh 230lbs., but I am only 5’11”.

  • Daniel

    I really hope this bites him on that Volkswagen arse of his when he tries to plead insanity.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “What did you measure the weight of Donald Trump as?”
    “The answer is 239 pounds.”
    “Donald Trump only weighs 239 pounds?”
    “What? No, I thought you said the weight of Donald Trump’s ass.”

  • Duke

    First off, he ain’t 6’3″. That’s what he says to impress himself which is what the jerk does even when asleep. So 6′ and 293. Just gotta get the digits right.

    • jowgajen

      He’s actually quite tall. 6′ 3″ is totally believable. South of 300 lbs not so much.

      • Duke

        The internets says he’s 6’2″ and Melania is 5’11”.

        • jowgajen

          Yeah, he appears to have added the inch. And there’s a pic of him standing next to Obama (6’1″) where they appear to be the same height. Camera angles could explain that, though.

  • vukojebina_MΩment

    The Browns are in contact with Trump’s agent to play nose tackle next season.

  • elviouslyqueer

    For comparison’s sake, Obama was 6’1 and 175 lbs. W was 6’0 and 190 lbs. Trump may be 6’2, but there is NO WAY he’s only 49 pounds heavier than W.

    • anon_the_great

      Big bones!

    • Baconzgood

      I’m shocked that someone would lie for trump.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      There’s no way he’s 6’3″. As seen in photo above, he’s probably closer to 6’1″.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Keeping Up With the Lardassians.

  • anon_the_great

    I’m sad no one asked the good Dr. how to spell his name.

    Also too, a pound under obese and high cholesterol is not ‘excellent health’. Acceptable health, perhaps but nothing to brag about.

  • Cat Cafe

    What I don’t understand is, why isn’t the universal reaction to this blatant pile of horseshit just loud, loud laughter? It’s SO OBVIOUSLY a lie in every way!

  • I’m not going to fat shame the son of a bitch, but the guiding rule is add at least 30 to whatever it says on the driver’s license or the official report.

    • Cat Cafe

      or, in this case, 130

    • jowgajen

      I don’t think it’s a coincidence that 239 is on the line between what’s considered overweight vs. obese for his height.

  • Courser_Resistance

    I’ve lost 35 pounds and my hair fell out over the last year. Not so much with the gaining anything.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I lost a bunch too and my hair was coming out in clumps! I bought a couple wigs but feel to strange to wear a wig in public.

  • Robert Gibson

    Have we considered that he’s also not 6′ 3”?

    Surely we can pull an image off of a cctv, with the height stickers on the doors.

  • Kryptonian Canis

    I’m thinking Dr. Ronny Jackson (“Ronnie” if you’re nasty) might just be taking his duty to protect the President too far, and is going to great lengths to protect the fragile ego of this particular patient.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Or the fragile investors on the NYSE.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    The reason Trump only weighs 239 lbs is because his head is hollow and filled with hot air that rises.

  • a_pink_poodle

    I’m 6’ 4” and about 235lb and I am MUUUUCH thinner than that! Unless one inch and 4lb make all the difference

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      I am 6’4″ and last year I weighed 255 lbs and was thinner then Trump is. I am down to 210 lbs now.

      • a_pink_poodle

        Alright!!! Keep it up!

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    Actually I think I figured out what it is: Trump’s BMI at 6’3 and 239 pounds is 29.9, the *exact* limit of overweight before going into obese.

    So Trump leaned (hopefully not physically) on his doc to put it at that weight, so the news headlines wouldn’t be “President first obese POTUS since Taft”. Because he’s a vain fuckhead.

    • jowgajen

      This.

    • Mike Minden

      Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner.

    • RobGinChicago

      Please Doc., ya gotta subtract about 100 pounds for my wallet and shoes.

    • Gosala

      that fits with the “borderline high cholesterol”

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      *THIS* I found cnn.com’s phrasing suspicious: “Trump falls just within the “overweight” range on the body mass index.”

      • tza

        I mean, I’m “borderline obese” (5’4″ and just shy of 150lbs, mostly due to muscle) so call me crazy but I think he’s obese and lying.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      His driver’s license, issued in 2005, says he’s 6′ 2″. So, as he’s gotten older he’s gotten TALLER?

      • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

        http://thyblackman.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/donaldbarack.jpg

        Think that’s bad, apparently Obama (who is 6’1) did too! It’s going around!

        Or someone literally lies about everything.

        • Squeegee

          I’m six feet tall with a ten inch dick but on my online dating profiles I’m six foot two inches with a twelve inch dick as thick as your fist

      • Bad Scooter

        His hair’s gained at least an inch in height.

        • OneYieldRegular

          It’s already passed peak Conway Twitty and is rapidly moving into Porter Wagoner territory.

          • Ω cynmac’s skipping the SOTU

            Aquanet Libelz!!!1!!

          • BreakingDeadMen

            Elsa Lanchester

      • Hiss

        One would hope from being stretched upon the rack. Alas, not the case.

    • Shibusa

      Anybody remember the “King-Size Homer” episode of the Simpsons?

  • Bad Scooter

    “239, Ronny. I weighed 239 when I got my gold golf watch, and it still fits. No need for me to get on the scale. 239.”

    “But sir, we’d like to quickly get the number of pounds you weigh now, if you’ll just step on the scale…”

    “239, RONNY! DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME? THE GOLD GOLF WATCH STILL FITS!”

  • Rick Hill

    The statement released detailing trump’s physical has inaccuracies? Well, didn’t expect that at all….

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So no one else saw Trump tell Jim Acosta “Out!” during a press conference??

    • Cat Cafe

      Jim tweeted something about being over-shouted by WH staff while trying to ask questions and how appalling it was. I don’t understand why everyone isn’t just saying THIS IS APPALLING AND MUST STOP

  • Very Stable Bozi

    “Buying off-the-rack will make you look 100 pounds heavier.” – Dr. Ronnie

  • BearLeft

    One cheek, maybe.

  • Baconzgood
  • Rick Hill
  • Latverian Diplomat

    I can’t help but think that 239 lb.s is such an obvious lie that it’s an attempt to signal “Help! They are holding my family hostage!”

    • Cat Cafe

      It’s such an obvious lie that it’s contemptuous. And the media should call it out as such.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      He’s going to throw his medical reputation on top of this grenade in order to protect the Commander in Chief from having hurt fee-fees.

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    Doctor Jackson: He lost a good 10 pounds when we extracted Putin’s forearm from his keister.
    Dotard: No puppet! No puppet!!

  • The Wanderer

    As I asked in the earlier articule, was the Doc blinking SOS in Morse Code, and do we know if his family is safe?

  • memzilla Ω
    • The Wanderer

      Some parts of US of America still rely on shithouses for people to poo in.

      • Something… something… crazier than a shit-house rat… It’ll come to me…

      • Ducksworthy

        The UN recently noted their prevalence in the US. Can we guess where?

      • CripesAmighty

        Deport Appalachia.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Err, prolly not the best day to bring up ‘gymnastics.’

  • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

    239 lbs my ass. I’ll bet Sarah Poot Lips hopped on the scale when the doc wasn’t looking.

    • Paperless Tiger

      No wonder it was broken.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    I hear the first cognitive test didn’t go so good

    http://onwego.co.uk/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/square-peg.jpg

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      ‘I only wanna play with the white ones!’

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I don’t know if we still have a National Helium Reserve, but if we do, I can guess where it’s being stored.

  • puredog

    It’s not the pie and alcohol for breakfast that got me. It’s the three squares and a sot cot.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Since we’re on the subject of weight issues…
    Wimbledon champ: My ex-boyfriend nearly fat-shamed me to death

    https://nypost.com/2018/01/11/wimbledon-champ-my-ex-boyfriend-nearly-fat-shamed-me-to-death/

    Former Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli revealed that her ex-boyfriend made her life hell through fat-shaming, even triggering the eating disorder that nearly took her life.

    Bartoli, 33, announced last month that she is planning a comeback after she retired just 40 days following her Wimbledon championship in 2013, but in an interview with L’Equipe, the Frenchwoman said her former boyfriend’s constant taunts almost ended everything.

    “When I retired, I was the happiest in the world,” Bartoli said. “Then I met my ex-boyfriend in May 2014, and every day he would tell me that I was fat. Every day. He would see a thin girl on the street and tell me: ‘See how skinny and pretty she is.’ That didn’t help me. Once you’re in that spiral, it’s difficult to stop.”

    […]“He was really a total a–hole. I learned a lot there, too. Because of my personality, I accepted the unacceptable. I was telling myself, ‘No, it’s not serious, no, it’s not serious,’ and it completely destroyed me. I don’t want to live like that anymore. It’s true, I’d lost a lot of weight, I was weak, and with a weakened immune system, I caught a virus in India that finished me. I was already extremely thin, or even skinny, but I didn’t see it.”

    Bartoli previously stated her weight-loss battle was because of the virus and shortly before summer 2016, she was barred from playing in an invitational event at Wimbledon, where they said she wasn’t physically healthy enough to participate in a women’s doubles exhibition match. But this is the first time Bartoli admitted that her troubling relationship caused her to drop too much weight.

    “I let myself get destroyed by someone, and I did not think it was possible,” she said.

    • Ducksworthy

      I think we’re safe. Trump has never felt shame.

    • Lord Jim

      I’m glad she finally freed herself.

      • Lyly Sirivong

        She said that she ran away and left him the day he proposed to her. Something clicked in her mind.

    • CripesAmighty

      Good riddance to bad rubbish. For fitness advice, Ms. Bartoli should listen to one person only: Serena.

      • Lyly Sirivong

        She does look up to Serena :

        When you see the communication surrounding female tennis players, it’s all about looks and appearance. I think Serena Williams is the one, the pioneer who can change mentalities, who can show that a woman is beautiful when she is on a tennis court, whatever her looks, her size, her hair colour or skin colour are. We need leaders like her for mentalities to change.

  • Mike Minden
  • KnaveOfSwords

    In case anyone was wondering “Why 239 pounds?” Because at 75 inches tall (which Trump almost certainly isn’t, but that’s what’s being reported), the weight at which the CDC considers you to be obese is 240 pounds.

    In other words, they’re reporting the value that comes closest to being believable while letting them claim that he’s not (quite) obese.

    • OrG

      Obviously someone else’s idea, tRump isn’t that clever.

  • La forza del resistino

    too bad the presser didn’t include the attending proctologist to confirm ‘what an asshole’.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Dumpy weighs 239 pounds just like his inauguration crowd was the biggest.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    So, the wall street journal hates Trump and wants to make him look bad. Also Fox loves Trump and will report the truth. Should someone tell them that Murdoch owns both Fox and the WSJ?

    Read the responses from Trumpanzees arguing the Wall Street journal recording and transcripts are wrong and Trump is right.

    https://twitter.com/TomWellborn/status/952568296452345856

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      while the concepts are slightly different (and not a big difference), he’s pissy cause an oral interview where a motor mouth possibly mistranscribed a missing apostrophe and d.

      Fucking moron.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        Go down even more. This is the comment.

        See how simple it is for people to misunderstand each other when the intent is to do so. Wall Street Journal could merely acquiesce to the president of the United States to his intended meaning. They are so hateful towards him they would not hand him the benefit of the doubt.

      • FlownΩver

        I heard the recording, and as usual Trump is telling a blatant lie. No reasonable person could even give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

        Oh, and he’s a total asshole. Lest we forget.

  • Kryptonian Canis

    When officials are blatantly lying to the public about the medical condition of the dear leader, it’s not a good sign for the health of American government.

  • I think I just figured it out. Dampnut intentionally wears light-weight foam rubber fat suits because, like his assessment of his “good looks” when he was younger, his far, far too long ties and his ill-fitting suits, he just has no idea what looks good.

    • georgiaburning

      Yes. On the fashion scale of dictators and wannabes, he’s more towards the Hugo Chavez/Kim Jong-Un side rather than Trujillo and Mussolini. He’d show up in a uniform if he thought he could get away with it.

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    239???? … is it really safe to suck out 120+ pounds of fat in one liposuction operation??

    • Very Stable Bozi

      Start with the head and work your way down.

  • Cat Cafe

    He is such a liar…

  • Ducksworthy
    • Rick Hill

      Fack! I don’t approve of that! As bad as the leather ammosexual.

    • Rags

      It’s a fake pic. 4-5’s head on John Daly’s body.

  • Rick Hill

    For some reason, I downloaded Dylan’s christmas album. For some other reason the wise and all knowing random play has been on a binge playing those songs….I think this is one album I am going to have to put in the coveffe file.

  • hudson

    stable genius who weighs 239 pounds and is in excellent health. why can’t you guys believe any of this. why do you have to contest everything?

    • hudson

      and excellent genes. don’t forget the genes. mebbe he has excellent genes. who knows?

      • And a very good brain, possibly one of the highest IQs of all time!

        • hudson

          that’s a given. his brain is better than anybody who ever lived. i was disappointed that his health is not better than anyone who ever lived. you what are you gonna do, you can’t have everything.

  • Daniel

    The doctor was admitted to the White House by Hope Hicks, who apparently had something of a crush on him.
    “Are you…”
    “I’m Ronny, miss.”
    “…Jackson? Oooooo!”
    “I am.”
    “For real?!”

    • I love this comment very much.

    • Doug Langley

      Who’s going to break it to Hicks that Ronny was not on the Jackson Five?

  • mrFawkes

    WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!! Everybody knows the fake news cameras add 95 lbs.

    • HogeyeGrex

      How many cameras was he in front of?

      • Doug Langley

        AOT,K.

    • wait! what?

      So, how many cameras were on him?

  • Gosala

    Dr. Jackson’s gots some problemz:

    He’s a physician who just lied to his patient about the state of his health.

    He’s a military officer who just lied to the American people.

    • CripesAmighty

      Oh I doubt he lied to Donnie: “You’re gonna have to lay off the KFC”
      “Fuck you. And don’t forget that NDA.”

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Sarah looked ‘Petty In Pink’ today though.

    • hudson

      she’s awesome like that. she can do petty in any color.

    • cmd resistor

      So did she talk? Every time I looked at the briefing that doc was still talking.

    • Very Stable Bozi

      She could play the Mildly Ringworm character.

  • Cat Cafe

    He’s lying about his height as well as obviously, about his weight, and WaPo proved it OVER A YEAR AGO (and he’s obviously gained weight since then)–look– https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2016/10/06/just-how-big-is-trump-we-asked-5-experts-to-you-guessed-it-weigh-in/?utm_term=.17b7dc8a8795

    • Hardly Ideal

      I kind of hate that I’m even doubting vitals like his height and weight. It makes me feel like some goddamned conspiracy loon.

      • Cat Cafe

        I think you’re looking at it wrong. The idea that he is 6’3″ and 239 is so LUDICROUSLY wrong, such an OBVIOUS lie, that it would be insane if you BELIEVED it. It’s insane that everyone isn’t just laughing uproariously & saying “yeah, yeah, measure and weigh him in front of us, we’re not blind!” The goddamned conspiracy loons are the ones who actually think it’s true. Who are going along with the most obvious lie so far.

  • Victoria Ricola

    Donald Trump is 239 lbs and I’m also too the Queen of England.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      How are you today your royal majesty?

    • amrak63

      And I am the Emperor of Japan! Ohayoo to all my subject-chans!

      • The Wanderer

        A more humane Mikado never did in Japan exist!

      • Lord Jim

        Ohayo gozaimasu!

    • Mike Minden

      Lindsey Graham would like to disagree. A duel of fainting couches at 20 paces?

  • TundraGrifter

    They should have run the cognitive test at 5:30 pm instead of 10 or 11 am.

  • Bub the very stable zombie
    • OrG

      I don’t know who that is, but he’s lying too.

    • Bad Scooter

      Technically, The Doctor is not lying if he recorded his weight at 239 lbs. after The Dotard refused to get on a scale and insisted he weighs 239.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        John Kelly was behind him with a hose jammed up his ass, connected to a helium tank

        • Lord Jim

          The more I learn of John Kelly, the more I despise him. Just throwing that out there.

        • “helium tank” = Fox News

  • Martini A, very stable genius
  • TheGrandWazoo2

    I had surgery for a detached retina today and 239 seems a little low…and I’m half blind.

    • Bad Scooter

      wishing you a speedy recovery!

      • TheGrandWazoo2

        Thanks, the anesthesia part was fairly pleasant.

    • Hemp Dogbane

      Good luck! I had a torn one lasered at Thanksgiving.

  • OrG

    I’d be interested to know what Pickle thinks.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    did Dr. Jackson get enough of a payoff to cover his inevitable lawsuits and live off for the rest of his life after he is dishonorably discharged and loses his medical license?

  • Ms. MLG on Maui

    My delightfully zaftig self will refrain from giving a shit about his body, especially when who he is on the inside is a bottomless pit of terrible. It’s not like I’ll ever run out of personality traits or behaviors to hate on.

    • mancityRed6

      it’s hard not to comment on his big ass when he’s nothing but a big ass.

    • Gosala

      It’s not the state of his health I’m upset at. It’s the lies. The obvious lies. The obviousness of the lies. The assumption that we’re all stupid and can’t see the truth. The assumption that we’re all idiots and can’t handle the truth. The assumption that we’re all children and don’t deserve the truth.

      • Ms. MLG on Maui

        I ceased being surprised about that quite some time back. Liars lie.

        • Gosala

          I’m not surprised. But the lies need to be called out even when it becomes tedious otherwise the gaslighting will succeed.

          • Ms. MLG on Maui

            All true, but still no need for me to fat shame!

  • Baconzgood

    What was Dr Nick unavailable?

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Doctor Nick has standards.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      Pride alumnus of Hollywood Upstairs Medical College.

    • Crazt Maist Waizy

      He’s already given Trump his treatment for dangerously underweight individuals.

      ‘You need to focus on the neglected food groups. The whipped group, the congealed group, and the chocotastic!’

  • Gosala

    What’s the big deal? President Bartlett had MS and lied about it.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    ICYMI – Scotus taking up a Tx redistricting case. From our Assbag General:

    AG Paxton: SCOTUS Agrees to Review Texas’ Redistricting Case

    Friday, January 12, 2018 – Austin

    Attorney General Ken Paxton today applauded the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision to take up Texas’ redistricting case later this spring.

    Last August, a three-judge panel of the U.S. District Court in San Antonio invalidated two of Texas’ 36 Congressional districts (27 and 35) along with nine state House districts. Attorney General Paxton appealed the rulings to the high court, which blocked them from taking effect.

    “We are eager for the chance to present our case before the U.S. Supreme Court, which ordered the district court in San Antonio to draw lawful congressional and House maps in 2012 that the Legislature adopted in 2013 and used in the last three elections,” Attorney General Paxton said. “The lower court’s decisions to invalidate parts of the maps it drew and adopted are inexplicable and indefensible.”

    When the Supreme Court put the lower court decisions on hold last September, it meant that no changes to Texas’ redistricting maps would be made ahead of the midterm elections. Attorney General Paxton argued at the time that allowing maps to be redrawn would throw “the Texas election deadlines into chaos for the second time this decade.” The state primary election is March 6.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      it’s stupid, but depending on how the Wisconsin case goes, it might be moot.

    • gene108

      I guess this is when Gorsuck earns his money…they screwed us over, so Gorsuck could keep them safe, with regards to redistricting, voter suppression, and campaign finance…and not have to worry about a Dem majority SCOTUS undoing the damage that has been done in the last 40 years by the conservative tilt of the SCOTUS…

  • mancityRed6

    I’m 5’10” and came in at 240 when I went to the urgent care a few weeks ago.
    even with a light coat and all, there is no way he’s only 239.

    • puredog

      Maybe it’s just a trend, and he will eventually be entirely weightless and will float up and fly into the sun. I can support this.

      • mancityRed6

        from your lips to Dog’s ears

  • Very Stable Bozi
  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    LORAX 2020: I WEIGH NOTHING, THAT IS WHY I CAN FLY!

  • maxneanderthal

    As you travel closer to the speed of light, relativity predicts you’ll increase in mass. Does this mean the Oranjeboom is travelling slower through space and time than the rest of us, and will therefore soon be in an alternative universe? (where he is president of N Korea)

    • FlownΩver

      Is it possible to travel at a negative rate of speed? Don’t say science says no, because pffft… science!

      • maxneanderthal

        Didn’t I read that some theory or other predicts objects with negative mass can ONLY travel faster than light? Perhaps he’s ahead of us, not behind?

      • Gosala

        Negative speed? No.
        Negative velocity? Yes.

        Nerds for the win!!

        • maxneanderthal

          Scalar, Schmalar..

          • Gosala

            I have a pseudo-vector for sale.

    • CripesAmighty

      Well, that might explain a lot.

  • KnaveOfSwords

    Something Raw Story pointed out is that Trump’s driver’s license from 2012 lists his height as 74 inches. So, apparently he hit a growth spurt at 70?

    • Daniel

      Inches were made smaller under Obama. He’s bringing them back. More ordinary Americans will get more height because of him. MAGA!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Make
        Americans
        Giant
        Again

      • SDGeoff3

        Mmm-hmm…!

    • Kryptonian Canis

      He didn’t get bigger, the WORLD got smaller!

  • hudson

    so all that this tells me is this guy has skeletons in his closet.

    • Paperless Tiger

      He won’t be going to the Russian front.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    He meant to say each ham weighs 39 pounds.

  • ChumpsForTrump

    I wonder if he’s really 6’3? That’s something we can prove or disprove based on photos.

    The weight could be checked this way too (but not as accurately), either by comparing to other people or doing some calculations..

  • Master Contrail Program

    I’m also 75 inches tall and 235 pounds. Though I admit to not being as svelte as I was a few years ago there’s no way in hell Trump only outweighs me by four pounds.

    • DT

      Even if he were 5’8-10″, like my dad and my mom’s boyfriend, he still would no way be that light. He is pushing 300 lbs if that’s his real height.

    • ChumpsForTrump

      Something tells me we’re gonna see articles with a lineup of other people who really are that height and weight.

  • ManchuCandidate

    His fat weighs 239 pounds. Brain weighs in at only 19 oz and most of that is Covfefe.

  • Jgb979

    Even if this approaches like 20% truth.

    All it means is he’s actually an asshole. He can’t blame dementia for being a stupid dick.

  • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁
  • gene108

    The funny thing is, even if Dr. Adm. Jackson is telling the truth, Trump lies so much, no one is going to believe him.

  • Poly_Ester

    You know I’m weighed in kilograms at the Dr.’s office, these days. DJT looks closer to 239 Kg than he does to 239 lbs.

  • Lyly Sirivong
    • ManchuCandidate

      “Funny, my penis only has one eye. Not two.”

      “Pardon moi, mon penis a un oeil, pas deux.”

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I heard about something like this happening when I was a kid, which is why I always turn the light on when I use the bathroom in the middle of the night. I don’t care if it does wake me up. Not even kidding.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Hey, I can answer the Montreal Cognitive Test questions, also too!

    The first one is David St Hubbins’ zodiac sign

    the second one is a Republican in name only (prolly Mitt Romney)

    and the third one means tomorrow is Wednesday!

  • Guinnessmonkey

    Wait…. His teeth are normal? So he doesn’t have dentures? Then what the fuck happened a few weeks back?

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Maybe he weighs 239 pounds on the MOON, Alice. TO THE MOON Alice……Fuck you fuckface. Even the doctors lie for you.

  • Jan Ness

    Okay…when I grew up I was told exactly what to expect if a guy asked if you wanted to go to his place and see his “etchings”. I don’t pretend to understand what warnings if any are out there any longer. Men from what I was told as a girl have always expected casual relationships if you agree to go to their place IMO.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      An older woman once invited me to come see her etchings. For real. And yes, that was what it turned out to mean.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    I was 235 pounds at 5’8″ a few years ago and I looked better than that.

  • oldmechanician

    that weight puts him just at the top of the “overweight ” range of BMI, just under the “obese” range. Sounds so much better.

  • La forza del resistino

    Stormy Daniels has a memory recall and sez it went on for a year. Having a pro screw his brains out for a year explains a lot.
    https://www.rawstory.com/2018/01/adult-film-star-said-she-had-a-nearly-year-long-affair-with-trump-not-just-a-single-encounter/

    • Paperless Tiger

      She should have the over-under on his weight then.

    • A year with Dampnut and ALL she got was $130K? Fuck.

  • Longstreet63

    And how many military doctors did they vet to find one to report what he was ordered to?
    In other news, president turns 29 again…

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    http://thyblackman.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/donaldbarack.jpg

    Oh, and there’s the whole bit where Trump probably isn’t 6’3, either. He’s probably 6’2, and stands 6’1, because he’s round-shouldered. Here he is next to the 6’1 Barack Obama.

    Is there literally anything he doesn’t lie about to look more impressive?

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      And light is bending around him…..

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Obama was also around 150 lbs when he left office.

      • C4TWOMAN

        yeh, Obama has a very narrow build and hasn’t bulked up at all. Though I would have guessed him at #175.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Professional wrestlers always exaggerate their height.

  • Travalanche

    If that weight is accurate, I guess it proves he really is a bloated sack of hot air

  • Anarchy Unicorn

    I’m kind of a fat guy at 6’3″ and 250ish lbs. There is no fucking way that dude weighs 239 unless he’s a foot shorter than he claims. If he’s 6’3″ he’s between 280 and 300. I look lean compared to him. Not shaming him for being fat, just for being a liar.
    What we really need is one of those Guess Your Weight carnies who always seem to be right to give an opinion, or weigh in as it were.

    • marxalot

      Where’s that pic of him next to Obama again? The un-retouched one. How tall is Barry?

    • Baconzgood

      I was one for 2 summers at an amusement park.

      If he’s 6 one I’d say 268.

      • Anarchy Unicorn

        So since he’s claiming to be 6’3″ 280 is probably right ish

        • Baconzgood

          6’3″ 280 would be on the lower end.

          And yes did remember the weight guessing bit Steve Martin did in The Jerk

      • Anarchy Unicorn

        Now that I know you were a carnie I have a totally different image of you, unfortunately that image has less teeth

    • Master Contrail Program

      He fooled The Guesser and all he got was a lousy troll pencil topper. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0a649e5b584d66ac4efe7f5620cd227964fed64140ae26ae930c8b122a80fc6f.gif

    • Travalanche

      Same. I’m 6’2, and back when I was in the 240 range, I was wearing a 34-36 waist (depending on cut) – and I’ve got legs like tree trunks, which contributes a fair bit

      Also ISWYDT

    • C4TWOMAN

      Okay, I yeild to an expert. So it seems he’s got to be near #300.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    This is a long song but it has a 3 and a half minute monologue by Neil deGrasse Tyson.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntgOlFbGWLY

  • righteous mob

    They probably meant 293.

  • Jenny

    Pretty sure that doctor got to keep that Navy job of his. He’s so close to that pension.

    • georgiaburning

      A two-star doctor? You betcha he thinks about that!

  • Cornelius Fussbudget
    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      He compensates with far smaller hands.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Well, I have arms but that’s pretty close.

    • Apple Scruff

      Chuck Toad just did a funny, picked out NFL players who are about 6’3″/ 239 lbs and it was the best thing he’s ever done.

    • wavicles

      Well, that solves that.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Hmm..how is it calculating muscle vs fat?

      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        Well, it doesn’t. BMI is basically bullshit for that reason. Weightlifters and football players look very different from a normal person with the same BMI.

        The argument against the Drumpf’s supposed weight is that that you’d have to somehow shift the slider to 0.1% muscle to look like that with his BMI. But that would mean he doesn’t even have a heart. Which…could be true.

        • C4TWOMAN

          LOL. Good points. People are shocked when I tell them I’m #184. I lift and am average height so I look more like 130-140, 150 at the most.
          But yeah, Trumpy isn’t lifting so it’s gotta be higher.

      • Travalanche

        The BMI has issues, but I think it skews the OTHER way when it comes to muscle – as in it doesn’t treat the density properly.

    • Ellie

      Looks like an accurate chart. I put myself in, and other than the figure standing up straight, which I can’t do, it was my round and fluffy self. The above is NOT Donnie the Deluded.

      • I put mine in, it was fair… Though, I have a much smaller ass, and slightly bigger belly than the wireframe.

    • Cat Cafe
      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        Now that’s positively Presidential!

      • yyyaz

        That appears to match Donnie Dumbshit’s shape exactly.

        • Cat Cafe

          If not flatter it. I mean, this whole “239” is utterly absurd. But not as absurd as telling us his mental state is normal.

    • Yeah nah, I mean, that wireframe doesn’t even have arms ;-)
      The orange dodderer has big ole arms made mostly of flurpy flab and ending in teensy hands. He also has a far lardier ass.

      I bet you could tweak it by decreasing height and increasing poundage til you had something resembling his actual shape, but I wouldn’t suggest putting anyone through the trauma that kind of persistent visualization would cause.

    • Master Contrail Program

      I don’t know about BMI. When I was at my healthiest, eating decently, working out 4 times a week my BMI was 23.9 at 6’3 198lbs.

      • C4TWOMAN

        BMI is bullshit if you’ve built muscle and are reasonably lean. Just ignore it.

      • Cornelius Fussbudget

        Same here. I genetically have bigger muscles than most people even when I don’t exercise. But, BMI and the picture above are based on a average muscle mass. The popular vote loser looks so different than that picture that the only way he could look the way he does with that BMI is if he is actually made of cotton candy.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Donald Trump is a repulsive excuse of a human being. And he’s also too loathsome.

  • Crazt Maist Waizy

    What this does is show that Trump’s actions are entirely his fault, 100%. We’ve been far too charitable saying some of it can be put down to poor mental health- he really is just that evil, there is nothing else to blame, no matter how much we try and convince ourselves otherwise, apart from himself.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      “We”?

      • Crazt Maist Waizy

        I don’t understand the reply.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Trump is a stable genius, the least racist person you’ve ever seen and also, too, is light as a feather.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    But can he point in the sky and say “AIRP’ANE” “Look, a solar eclipse!”?

    FIFY.

  • TundraGrifter
    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Nearly 300. I think he broke the scale. I just bought a bathroom scale that weighs up to 550 pounds. Should I send it to the Whitehouse?

      • TundraGrifter

        You purchased the William Howard Taft model?

        • C4TWOMAN

          Made of reinforced concrete?

    • Cat Cafe

      350.

    • C4TWOMAN

      That’s close to my guess of 250.

      • TundraGrifter

        Obviously, you are nicer person than I am.

        • C4TWOMAN

          Nah, just trying to be fair. But turns out if one of our Wonkers close to his alleged weight is right, Trump has to be heavier, like near 300.

    • Master Contrail Program

      But how many jellybeans can he hold in his palm?

      • TundraGrifter

        Both of them, Katie.

        • onedollarjuana

          And for how long? *gulp*

    • I’d say, if he’s actually 6’3 (and I have SERIOUS doubts about that…) he’s at least 320.

      • TundraGrifter

        Based on that Washington Post article, he’s somewhere between 6′ 1″ and 6′ 2″, leaning more toward 6′ 1″. Look at the photo of him standing next to Mark Sanchez.

    • CripesAmighty

      Sorry, with that planetary ass, gotta be north of 300

  • Bub the very stable zombie

    “Now we’ll record your weight, Mr. President. If you’ll just step on this scale…”

    “I’m not getting on that scale. Look Doctor, I’m 6’3”. What’s the most I can weigh without having an “obese” BMI?”

    “Two hundred and forty pounds.”

    “Okay, I’m 239. see how easy that was?”

  • Kryptonian Canis

    Pigs – the Stable Genius rendition
    https://youtu.be/QWLBtMz5OuY

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Mexico City! When this video went up, I checked for tour dates and found he would be within reasonable distance in a few months. But I couldn’t make it. Fortunately, there is great video of the US tour.

  • Rick Hill

    Jeebus. So, I thought that this is the perfect time to do some advertising, try the boost feature on the FB. Getting lots of views for the posts, get a notification that one photo was liked. Turns out it’s the “before” picture of a 70’s era kitchen https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/543d283e8e89d3dcb16f2c1b83e624e65a666c3175b6a61955820823dcb7dbd9.jpg . Definitely goes in the “gotta be kidding me” file

    • wavicles

      Upside-down World Mandela wobble.

    • weighmaster

      Is that a trash compactor, or is the dishwasher as far from the sink as it can get?

      • SDGeoff3

        Looks like a dishwasher. In my 70’s kitchen, the trash compactor was next to the sink, and the dishwasher was on the other side of the room, next to the fridge. Once I got used to it, it was ok. But dumb.

        • weighmaster

          I think that design could only have come from someone who has never washed dishes.

          • SDGeoff3

            Exactly. Preparing food was fine, but the clean up afterward kept my youthful figure in shape.

          • weighmaster

            lol, I bet.

    • h4rr4r

      70s?
      That range is not 70s. Those cabinets maybe. Dishwasher no way. Hood is not 70s either.

      What is worse is the white kitchens today.

      • Rick Hill

        The appliances are new. This photo was taken in order to sell the home.

        • SDGeoff3

          Those cabinets are pretty dated, but I could live with them. I wish the kitchen folk would think of people who are under 5’10”.

          • h4rr4r

            Similar styles are sold everyday. Thankfully those external hinges are dead and gone.

          • Rick Hill

            I’ve made kitchens for taller people. No one has requested them for shorter peoples, though. You would basically lose a little from the lowers is about the worst of it

        • h4rr4r

          We are in the middle of a total kitchen renovation, it was just studs last week.

          That nasty melamine crap is so popular. They were just about shocked we wanted wood cabinets. It’s a fucking 50s home, of course the cabinets should be wood.

        • h4rr4r

          It has plenty of counter space, stupid dishwasher placement and the external hinges are the only major issues I see.

          The drawers undoubtedly suck.

  • jowgajen
  • Apple Scruff
  • Anna Rompage

    Yeah right, I’m 6’2″, look pretty fit and come in at 200 pounds…. There’s no way that guy only weighs 39 pounds more than I do….

  • TJ Barke

    No fucking way. He is at least, at least, 260.

    • Catstro, Very Stable Genius

      My husband is 6’2’’, 275 lb, and while he does not look svelte, he looks a good 30 pounds thinner than Trump. I’m fat AND big boned, and I look about 20 pounds lighter than a lot of other women my height/weight, so I know it’s possible to some degree, but 239 is just not believable. Also I know I’m not imagining that his height has been listed at 6’2’’ every other time it has been referenced.

  • C4TWOMAN

    “is 239 pounds is if he has literally zero muscle in his body, which, come to think of it, is entirely possible.”

    Not just possible but probably. Say, 250lbs?

    Also too, no update on the Bannon/ Mueller prob?

  • Nounverb911

    But does trump take off imaginary glasses yet?
    https://twitter.com/LevineJonathan/status/953310521775788032

    • TundraGrifter

      Beer goggles.

    • Are we sure his eyebrows aren’t shedding?

    • SDGeoff3

      Secret Mormon signal, perhaps indicating flop sweat.
      Who knows?

    • onedollarjuana

      I’ve done that more than once. And I’ve been caught looking for my glasses while wearing them. I’ll cut Orrin that much slack.

      • godsaidHA

        I used to push my ill-fitting glasses up on my nose, then started doing it when I wasn’t wearing them. I cut him slack as well.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    If those are really questions on the test, that better be a strictly timed affair.

  • Rick Hill
  • Jennaratrix

    My 5’8″ weight-lifting husband weighs 220 right now; there is NO WAY Trump only weighs 19 pounds more than that. Just not possible, even with the difference in weight between muscle and fat. He’s pushing 300, easily. Or 290, if you want to go with the “camera adds 10 pounds” excuse.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      “the camera adds 10 pounds”

      Panorama? 4K?

  • Jenny

    On the bright side, an insanity plea is out!

  • This is where I miss Spicy.

    “The President is one of the thinnest presidents ever. Period.”

    • Kryptonian Canis

      He runs a sub 2-hour marathon every day before breakfast! PERIOD.

  • ChumpsForTrump

    He weighs exactly 239… solar masses ☺️

  • Nounverb911

    FOXCONN to Wisconsin: “That’ll be $4.5billion please….”
    https://twitter.com/mattdpearce/status/953397896224718848

    • OrG

      How much is that per resident of Wisconsin?

      • mackafritz, v.s.g.

        For how many jobs?

        • Nounverb911

          Depends, how many Wisconsinoids can pass a drug test?

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            God help them if they ever start pre employment breathalyzers

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          13,000 which means Wisconsin taxpayers are spending about $350,000 per job.

      • Nounverb911

        All of it, Katie.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        $775

    • Rick Hill

      My gosh, these republican fellows are just masters of the dealings

    • TundraGrifter

      They put the “con” in “Foxconn.”

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Was there a heel spur update?

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      Right?! Can he go to Vietnam now?

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        If he could just have been in Hawaii for the false alarm.

      • What do you have against the poor Vietnamese people?

        • Ms. MLG on Maui

          You’re right. That would only turn Vietnam into a real shithole.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Let’s be honest: no matter what we heard from Dr. Ronny, we’d all be like LOL NO, even if he said Dumpy weighed 280 pounds, had diabetes and high blood pressure, was crazier than a shithouse rat, and thought he could fit in Ivanka’s dresses. Because Dumpy lies so much, we have no reason to believe him, and because everyone around him lies for him, we have no reason to believe them.
    Therefore, I am reporting that Dumpy weighs, probably, 280 lbs, has high blood pressure and probably is pre-diabetic, is crazier than a shithouse mouse, and YOU DON’T KNOW MAYBE IVANKA HAS A LINE OF BIG-GIRL DRESSES.

  • I’m 6’6″ and skinny AF at 235 pounds.

    tub-o-lard there is more likely around 265-270.

    • TundraGrifter

      I was 6′ and 140 #. I lied on my driver’s license and added 15.

    • Victoria Ricola

      This. I’m surrounded by men that are 6’2 and up – my dad, my husband, my son, a few unrelated coworkers who I talk about dieting enough to know how much they weigh – and Donald is at least 280 pounds of blubber. It’s not just that he’s big, he’s jiggly and lacking any muscle definition anywhere. Homeboy hasn’t seen 239 for like 5-10 years.

  • SDGeoff3

    While reviewing the photos above, the one with the helicopter appeared. I groaned out loud and the cat came in to see if everything was ok. Oh gawd, it’s booze time.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      When is it NOT booze time these days?

    • Andy Lemieux

      That’s the helo they use to lift him up to the door of AF (as in AssFat) One.

  • Nodrama4mama

    Ok- My husband is 48, 6’3″ and 220 pounds and I cannot believe that Prince Trumperdink weighs 19 pound more than him.

    Maybe the good doctor meant 239 Kilos?

    • SDGeoff3

      Wouldn’t that be a great correction?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Maybe not that much, but he can not weigh much less than 139 kilos.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Who are we kidding- the guy has got his own gravitational pull. They have to keep an eye on Ben Carson to make sure he doesn’t get sucked in past the event horizon when he nods off…

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      NSA can use seismographs to track his movements.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    President Cartman is not fat. He’s big-boned.

    • SDGeoff3

      goddammit.

    • Anna Rompage

      No kitty! that’s my fucking pie!

    • Crank Tango

      I think he’s bulking up quite nicely.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      BEEEEFCAAAAKE!

    • He’s such a beefcake he can’t fit through the door.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I want him put through through the full Stanford-Binet battery and Hare’s psychopathy checklist, at a minimum.

    • Gosala

      I appreciate the sentiment, but psychological tests are [vulgarity].

      I took such a battery in a previous lifetime. They tagged me as schizophrenic, which later analysis debunked, and completely missed the very real anger and anxiety.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Well, such flaws would work in our favor in this case! But I am sorry you had those diagnostic hassles.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Something tells me this is going to be one of those evenings that I’m not going to be clicking on ANY of the images.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    I, for one, believe the good White House doctor, and think that Trump should celebrate by enjoying several more hamburgers every night.

    • Gosala

      You are sublimely evil. Come sit by me.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Bedtime cheeseburgers might be the only thing standing between us and complete worldwide nuclear annihilation.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Then by all means, let him have an extra ten or twelve before bed each day.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Deep-fried cheeseburger& sausage provolone & cheddar chimichanga calzones! With a butter& goosefat reduction drizzle.

      • That sounds WAY too classy for his palate.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          It’s heart-stopping goodness.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Well, now I’m hungry.

  • Daniel

    I am three apples high and made of osmium.

  • wavicles

    He’s a MILLSTONE! He weighs as much as it takes to drag down the Racist Right.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Wapo says Trump has told 2,000 lies since he took office. I wonder what the total is for those defending him?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Times 100 for each Trump Lie

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    6’3″, 239 pounds? No way. More like 6’0″, 293 pounds. And with all the Mickey D’s he eats, his triglycerides number should be off the charts. A candidate for type 2 diabetes, this one.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I won the genetic lottery when it comes to cholesterol and can eat all the butter, cheese, etc and still have really good cholesterol levels. But I don’t think that’s what’s going on here.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      Type 3, type 4, type 5… AOT,K, and Wilfred Brimley also too.

  • shivaskeeper

    239lbs? 239 fucking lbs? Riiiihgt.

    This is a very limited comparison for scale. For the mostly PNW Wonkers that have met me, I am 235-240lbs.

    That motherfucker is 290, minimum.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I don’t remember if I have met you or not because I drink a great deal. Also, I can’t hear much of anything, so when a Wonker tells me their handle, I hear a bunch of mumbling and just nod politely.

      • shivaskeeper

        If you were at the Portland one last summer or the one in Eugene a few moths ago you saw me. The really tall guy with the bright orange shirt. Can;t miss me.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Ah, then, no. I haven’t been able to attend for a few years, and haven’t been to Portland in FOREVER.

    • Anna Rompage

      Remember, muscle weighs a lot more per set volume, than say fat….

      • shivaskeeper

        Yes. But he’s still fat. He looks like two of me.

      • Catstro, Very Stable Genius

        My husband is 6’2’’, 275, not muscular, and looks significantly thinner than Trump. I’m with shivaskeeper’s 290 estimate. At a fucking minimum.

      • Doug Langley

        As soon as I see him defeat Ah-nold at arm wrestling, I’ll give you that.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      For comparison sake, somewhere between the ruler of the people of Jar Jar Binks and Jabba the Hut.

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Even after factoring in the lack of brain (around -3 pounds), these numbers just don’t add up.

  • Anna Rompage

    Something tells me that Dr. Ronny Jackson is the Illuminati….

    • Paperless Tiger

      That explains the magic numbers.

  • Not Flat – ROUND!

    Maybe shit doesn’t weigh as much as flesh.

    • bupkus231

      Supposedly, if he was getting enough fiber in his diet, his shit would float – and since he’s basically ALL shit, he would float, too ( why am I now thinking of Stephen King’s “It”? ).

      But, all reports of diet makes “getting enough fiber” impossible – so no wonder he sinks to the bottom of the bowl….

  • Mentally Stable Ron

    If there’s any reason for these fabrications other than soothing Dear Leader’s spun-sugar ego, it’s that if the truth came out the stock market would go into free fall. Markets do not like to hear that the President of the United States is one muffed swing away from an exploding heart, even if he IS bad at the job and worse as a person.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      Well, they don’t have to worry about that. Trump doesn’t have a heart.

    • CripesAmighty

      That’s the thing about bubbles. Nobody wants to be caught holding the pin when it pops.

      • Daniel

        Or the hollow sword blade.

    • BrianW

      This. Exactly this. No way the official doctor is going to say that the inhabitant of the Oval Office is unhealthy, unless he’s clearly, Norwegian Blue Parrot dead.

      • Even then… Though, you’d be hard pressed to find a body double for that particular body…

        • bupkus231

          Need more like a body quintuple…

  • Nounverb911

    Did trump promise the Rear Admiral a promotion to Front Admiral if he lied about donnie’s weight?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Pence: Damn it!

      • Kryptonian Canis

        Is “Rear Admiral” Mike Pence’s pet name for his chief of staff?

        • Daniel

          Is “chief of staff” his pet name for his “prayer circle” leader?

          • Kryptonian Canis

            When Mother’s away, the Pence will play.

    • Not Flat – ROUND!

      Well… the admiral lied about Trump’s front and rear (and brain).

    • bbayliss

      “Have you ever seen a trouser worm, Billy?”
      “No, but I’ve been blown ashore.”

  • bbayliss

    Lemonaid?

    @SethAbramson
    Good news—today a military doctor effectively ruled Donald J. Trump competent to stand trial. While he didn’t receive a full psychiatric evaluation, the screening he did have—and his performance on it—would make it very hard for him to ever claim to be incompetent to stand trial.

    2:35 PM – 16 Jan 2018

  • DrBigHead

    239 pounds my ass. Actually, 239 pounds HIS ass. You include the rest of him and you are going to be north of 300.

  • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

    Barron always looks stunned & horrified when in the vicinity of 2-Scoops. I feel for that kid.

    • BadKitty904

      For fear of being eaten, I’d guess.

    • DrBigHead

      I honestly feel bad for that kid. In spite of the Old Man’s wealth, his life has got to be miserable. I’ve got a 15 year old daughter who is NEVER that sullen. And anyone who has experienced a 15 year-old daughter, can appreciate that.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    He’s just big-boneded.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Dr. Ronny Jackson after his morning presser about the Dotard’s health. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1b29e8cf308d0076ce191861c8645bb7af60bf4b117abcdf6ffe1d3d92824725.gif

    • C4TWOMAN

      I’d love to know how that FX was made. No doubt lots and lots of stunt quality flame retardant….

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    I don’t know… 339 pounds seems about right.

    Oh, wait… TWO hundred thirty-nine? No fucking way. Never mind. Carry on.

  • CeeQ

    Ok fine. No dementia. So that means he is 100% a dickhead wrapped in fuckwit with a heaping side of asshole. Sounds about right.

  • BadKitty904

    “Ronny”? Srsly? They couldn’t find a “doctor” with a adult’s name to do the requisite lying?

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      Doogie had the day off.

  • JaveyDay
  • Mehmeisterjr

    Algebra problem: If Trump gets on one of those trucks he likes and it is weighed and you subtract the weight of the truck, by how many popular votes did Trump win the election?

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      NOT,K

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Depends on how many undocumented immigrant voters the Clinton uranium smugglers managed to sneak into Wisconsin, but, I’d say it figures to somewhere in the neighborhood of eleventy bajillion. But it’s much harder to win via the Electoral College, so the bilgiest winners always squeak out a victory that way.

    • Justin Thyme

      √-1

    • AuntyMaude

      negative 3,000,000, give or take

  • Nounverb911

    Geez donie, a little warning here, I need to get my Voodoo Doll out of the shop…
    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/953352036309000194

    • Catstro, Very Stable Genius

      And me without a sacrifice. Where am I supposed to find a suitable live goat at this late hour?

    • BadKitty904

      …says the career criminal who just paid bribe money to a porn-actress.

      • Catstro, Very Stable Genius

        IOKIYAR

    • Paperless Tiger

      Do we get another day off, I mean ‘of rest?’

      • Nounverb911

        Only if you’re playing golf.

    • mackafritz, v.s.g.

      A bit late to declare a day, Something or Other Day.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      He did it at 2:43pm? Shouldn’t he have done that earlier in the day or yesterday?

    • AuntyMaude

      Religious Freedom Day*

      *Some restrictions will most def apply.

  • hudson

    OT. I got multiple “that smells amazing, did you make it?” during my lunch today in the common room, from well known foodies today.

    what it was, was lentils in fenugreek leaves. made for the missus on sunday, ‘coz that’s her comfort food and as she was boo. she herself didn’t say anything, she’s still nursing an issue. and she yelled at me, and we fought or whatever.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Ooh I had lentils too. No fenugreek tho; I know of it, but don’t know it.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Good ol’ methi. I buy it fresh and make a kind of Indian pesto out of it for chicken.

  • TheGrandWazoo2
  • President in Exile Firefly

    “What do banana and orange have in common?”

    Nothing rhymes with them?

    • Gosala
    • weejee

      Doesn’t shithead rhyme with orange?

    • Knock knock…..

      • bbayliss

        Go away

    • Daniel

      1) sporange
      2) manamana

      Manamana

      …manamana.

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      A lady from down in Havana
      Did an act that involved a banana
      When asked if she’d do
      Her dance using two
      She said “Ask me again mañana”

    • Roadstergal

      Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

    • Doug Langley

      “They’re both round?”
      “No, Donald, try again.”
      “Um, um – they’re both yellow?”
      “Please make an effort.”
      “They’re both used as machine tools!”
      “We’re done here.”

  • Smibo

    From the WaPo story on this:

    Navy Rear Adm. Ronny L. Jackson, who has been the lead White House doctor since 2013, said that he has interacted with the president several times a day for the past year and saw no need for a cognitive test. Jackson said that the president is “very sharp” in their conversations and does not repeat himself. He added that he has seen no evidence of any cognitive problems.

    There are some “things” about that paragraph. Firstly, why has Mr. SuperHealthy been interacting with his doctor several times a day for the past year? Second, Adm. Jackson “sees no evidence of any cognitive problems”? Trump is “very sharp”, and “does not repeat himself”?

    Trump repeats himself all the damn time in public statements, displays evidence of cognitive impairment on the regular, and generally comes across as a guy who is NOT very sharp. In denying these self-evident facts, Admiral Jackson has tossed whatever credibility and integrity he may have once had, into the flames of the Trumpster fire.

    • I’m thinking Jackson is a few years from retirement and doesn’t want to rock the boat…

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      Now, to play devil’s advocate, don’t all Republicans display evidence of cognitive impairment…?

    • bbayliss

      I thought all the complaints about the excellent report were sour grapes or confirmation bias, which are always good to guard against or at least have some awareness of, lest one become no better than a Breitbarter.
      Then I thought about the height/weight, obviously inaccurate.
      And there is no way in hell a “sharp” person misses a limo parked at the foot of a staircase, unless there was another limo parked in the direction he was walking.
      Either there’s an innocent explanation or something’s up.

      • bupkus231

        Drugs. That’s the only answer. Rump abstained before his doctor’s appointment ( in case they drug-tested his urine specimen ), but the rest of the time he’s been hopped up on dome gawdawful combination of meth, rohypnol, fentanyl, and pig tranquilizer.

        • bbayliss

          Or sleep deprived and stupid?

    • georgiaburning

      Could we get a good honest HM2 (hospital corpsman) to run the tests and report?

    • Sophia

      Trump has to repeat himself all the damn time because in between he contradicts himself.

  • Ӎɨᵴɑɳʈɧɼѻρȩ

    Yeah right, I think someone has dyslexia.
    329 would be more like it.

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      You spelled 932 wrong.

  • Jackie Jones

    Chris Hayes (@chrislhayes) tweeted at 1:33 PM on Tue, Jan 16, 2018:
    Has anyone coined “girther” for those who belive the president weighs more than his doctor reports?
    (https://twitter.com/chrislhayes/status/953379719843602432?s=03)

    • Roadstergal

      Yes, Chris, you have, and it’s beautiful.

    • Gosala

      That does it. Screen name change.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Love it!

    • h4rr4r

      I want to see the long form medical records!

  • alpacapunchbowl
    • Vicki Lawrence’s Covfefe

      This is twice so far that Wonkette is sending me to my bunk today.

      • Doug Langley

        So you like beards, right?

        • Vicki Lawrence’s Covfefe

          Tis a good start. But there’s just something about fat Mac.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Happy to help!

    • Kryptonian Canis
  • And this Administrative Succubus removes the soul from yet another human to get within a dangerous proximity.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    If he’s 239 pounds, I’m a size four.*

    *Not intended to be a factual statement.

    • weejee

      And I can run the 100-yard dash in 6 seconds flat.

      • Raan

        And I can do a 4.2 40.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I can run at the speed of light and beyond. Everybody says so. Bigly.

          • Hiss

            In 3.2 parsecs, yet.

        • OrdinaryJoe

          And I run a 2:10 minute marathon.

      • Doug Langley

        And I can bench 600 lbs.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    So, Dr. Ronny’s reputation is trashed, too, huh? Trump is the reverse-Midas.

    • Bub the very stable zombie

      He has an absolutely uncanny ability to quickly and completely compromise the ethics and integrity of everyone who enters his orbit.

      • And he has a LITERAL orbit now. He’s like 6 nights of bedtime cheeseburgers (so like, 47,622 cheeseburgers) away from collapsing in on himself and swallowing the whole planet.

    • memzilla Ω

      Look for the #ETTD hashtag: Everything Trump Touches Dies.

    • Roadstergal
  • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

    OT: speaking of dopey clowns failing medical exams, ‘bagger guvna tries bullshit argument about healthcare on Canadian; Canadian is not impressed, eh.

    MSNBC host Ali Velshi is dumbfounded by Kentucky GOP governor’s absurd claim that health insurance makes people unhealthy

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f0b577db797657fe2769a6f7c7fe112d947149de34b08214960cb9c32e804fc7.jpg

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      “Well before they went to the doctors they didnt know they where sick.”

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        This fucking moran never heard “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”? Must be Trump math…

        • Sophia

          You should have stopped at This fucking moran

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    If you want to know what Donnie 2 scoops really weighs, ask the guy who pilots Marine One

    • Duke

      I took a single-engine float plane not too long ago and they asked about weights. Bigger people sit near the front. The biggest got to fly shotgun. Unfair!

      • randoracer

        Sometimes that’s the case, sometimes, not. It depends on the aircraft’s “weights and balances” calculations — and what the pilot weighs. I’m a smaller guy, and I’ve gotten to ride shotgun several times. I’ve also been relegated to a “seat” on top of the duffel bags in back.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      I was thinking something along these lines. Someone in the secret service or something surely knows his real weight and it will come out eventually.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Wait…”A” Cognitive Assessment, like one? That’s like taking someone’s bp and deciding they’re in great shape.

    • Doug Langley

      “Now look at this ink blot and tell me what you see, Mr President.”
      “A . . . a . . . ink blot?”
      “You pass!!”

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
    • weejee

      Thanks. I have a friend who deserves would appreciate one of those for his birthday.

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        Its cute and yes it makes me giggle when I press the fart button.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      This was a hit at the office White Elephant exchange this year.

    • memzilla Ω

      FIONA LIBELZ!!1!!

    • Given the pictures we saw above, I dunno if it’s quite “off-topic.”

      • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

        The hippo is cuter.

  • Two hundred thirty-nine pounds of shit in a two hundred pound bag.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Blivet libelz

  • middleclassman1

    He only had one foot on the scale!

  • Bad Scooter

    Leaked Questions from the Cognitive Testing portion of the physical:

    1. Who pardoned the sheriff that is running for AZ senate?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b0ee3b18d79b7f2b26072ca92742cc50f900d923b240517f0471d414278fcade.jpg
    2. Who wants a build a wall to help decrease violence against US Border Patrol Agents?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0853c01c91404a76827070af7c30d6591ba58f15fd485b7a9a597e546d06e00b.jpg
    3. Who was the subject of the totally fake “Fire and Fury” book everyone’s talking about?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/82713fb78963d6eebecdbe598a6dcd9c648d5ce83a2743f205ea3af828113178.jpg
    4. To whom did South Korea give credit for bringing North Korea “to the table” for talks?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b0725d4a61a8ad20d896e177322b0f7c910530bd167ee3bc51577d3e57f82ee9.jpg
    5. Who would win the 2020 presidential election if Oprah were to run as a Democrat?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/795d4d9245d657976e0abd5fdab7dad164ce32e2affc66ae4f079e3c851e4d8c.jpg

    • BMW

      That explains why he was able to pay attention.

  • mackafritz, v.s.g.
  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    LORAX 2020: I’M A PROUD SHITHOLER!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXTTGJ894z0

    • hudson

      closer to the equator your origins are, the more authentic your claims to being a proud shitholer. it actually goes root(x) where x is squared distance from equator.

      normalized for latitude, the entire game started with equatorials – them domesticating animals & terra firma, and quantifying transactions. who gets relative credit for what is less important. the fundamentals were laid out by these equatorial types.

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        when did that become a rule? I would say Eastern Europe still has plenty of shitholes and shithouses. not to mention that most of us with Irish heritage have ancestors who immigrated when Ireland was a total pile of shit.

        • hudson

          actually if i’m not wrong, the irish immigrated en-masse when the brit theory of economic efficiency superseded reality. the brit induced famine is what made them leave, if i’m not wrong

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            in both scenarios, Ireland was a shithole country and it’s nowhere near the equator.

          • hudson

            but they were subservient to her high lorded-ness? you fixate on potatoes, i on pohtatoes. the twain can meet on republicanism and fuck-you-ism on the raj?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            um…focus on what I’m saying and not what you think I’ve said.

          • hudson

            or did the even the irish by into all the propqganda about the browns? we are showing them stuff on how to weave the muslin, and they chopped off our fingers right?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            you’re getting your time periods mixed up.

          • hudson

            summary response panicka. tell me how the brits payed for their excesses ireland and elsewhere and i’ll hold my peace.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            there’s still no c in my first name.

          • hudson

            sorry ya. sorry.

          • hudson

            like how many times i’ve responded to you? but iread one way and type another. panika. panika. never again a c.

  • hudson

    fukui. how was you vacation/break? welcome back.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Good. Was at an awesome spa; I read books and didn’t touch the interwebs once.

      Oh, yeah, and had a lot to drink. And my friend came to visit with his Z3 M and we broke the speed limit a bit.

      Also went up to clearlake which is very pretty but quite run down.

      All in all, very relaxing. Back in the real world now though and should think about finding a job.

      • hudson

        good. good. no doubt you’ll do well. not to reduce your plight, and it might might take a bit of wrestling but you will come on top. the way you speak of stuff, i’m sure you know your stuff.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    I saw somewhere else on this here internet that Trump was declared “smart as a fiddle.”

    • And as “in tune” with the American public as an unplugged synthesizer.

  • Ninja0980

    So he’s in fine mental health.
    That means he is just a racist, sexist shitbag then.

  • BMW

    So he’s not senile, he’s just really bad at being president? Well, at least now I don’t feel bad for calling him a fucking idiot.

  • Nounverb911
  • OrdinaryJoe

    He lacks a soul, heart, intestinal fortitude, values, principal, intelligence or any sense of humor so it may be he is essentially a hollow man, so the 239 could be right.

  • TundraGrifter

    “What do banana and orange have in common?”

    Six letters in each name?

    • Nounverb911

      Things donnie has never eaten?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      A British Regimental sergeant major will teach you self defense against both?

      • I missed the lesson on defending myself against a bunch of loganberries and I now live in constant fear…

        • Lordpnut

          As well you should. They’ll give you a VICIOUS purple nurple.

        • Lordpnut

          Your honor, if I may approach the bench…let me know if you’ve received the review I sent.
          You have another review coming up, you know, and that one might not be such a love-fest if you don’t square it around and start shitting Tiffany cufflinks.
          If it please the court.

          • It has been received. I’m not totally sure how I’d go about squeezing Tiffany cufflinks… I’ve been called a tightass before, but…

          • Lordpnut

            (In my best good-old-boy southern lawyer dialect)
            Yoah Honah, mah client is open to negotiation. Puhaps some Chinese knockoffs and them speedin’ tickets?

          • I’m just a simple hyper-chicken…

      • JustDon’tSayShithole

        Mind you, it was a particularly sharp piece of mango…

      • TundraGrifter

        Hmmmm….about time to watch “Zulu” again!

    • Raan

      Half the letters in both are vowels?

    • h4rr4r

      They can be used by stock boys to make fruit genital replicas that the produce workers will have to find and remove before the store opens the next morning.

      Jobs as a teenager were so much less serious.

    • Sophia

      Ring, ring, ring bananaphone. Is there a second verse with an orange one as well? Your welcome for having that stuck in your head now for the rest of the night.

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        For some reason Raffi never sang about oranges. Apples and Bananas, and Bananaphones, but not oranges.

        • Sophia

          Well that’s just plain wrong. What’s the matter with oranges. Do they come from a shithole country or something

    • ziggywiggy

      Knock knock, who’s there? Banana. Banana who?
      Knock knock, who’s there? Banana. Banana who?
      Knock knock, who’s there? Banana. Banana who?
      Knock,knock, who’s there!? Orange. Orange who?
      Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

  • BadKitty904

    It’s “Hippocratic Oath,” Donny, not “Hypocritical Oath”…

    Honestly, can this quack be reported to the AMA and have his license revoked?

  • bupkus231

    Perhaps someone else pointed out this excerpt from the NY Daily News ( h/t to Charlie Pierce at Esquire ):

    “I told the President if he had a healthier diet over the last 20 years, he might live to be 200 years old,” Jackson told reporters. “He has incredible genes, I just assume….

    What wasn’t reported is that Dr. Ronny Jackson added, “However, since his diet over the last twenty years was grease laden fast food and charred steak, he should be dropping dead approximately yesterday…”

    • Roadstergal

      “”I told the President if he had a healthier diet over the last 20 years, he might live to be 200 years old,” Jackson told reporters. “He has incredible genes, I just assume…”

      That’s not what a doctor says, that’s what someone given a Donnie-approved script and a picture of his dog with a gun to its head says.

    • Daniel

      If he had had.

      Dammit, Ron, you’re a doctor not a grammarian but really.

    • TJ Barke

      “I told the President if he had a healthier diet over the last 20 years, he might live to be 200 years old,” Jackson told reporters. “He has incredible genes, I just assume….

      This is some fascist regime, psychopathic, sycophantic bullshit right here.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Yeah they have something on him. Bamz was a lot healthier and exercised every day and they never said anything close to what he said about Trump.

      http://files.abovetopsecret.com/files/img/iz57c719b7.jpg

  • JaveyDay

    Last month, I witnessed this skirmish in the War on Christmas. You may deny it, but the war is real, folks.

    Secular Snowmen VS Nativity Scene.

    The Wise Man got behind enemy lines and painted the target so Babby Jesus could call in an airstrike.

    NATIVITY SCENE WINS!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1792e9c1e6c8fa3bab5e28c3102c898f822f83fe426d8051e27e58742d65cdb1.jpg

  • Begin Anew Day

    A few years back my beautiful wife said it was time for me to get a new suit. Of course she was right. This was before the doctor sat me down and explained that my blood sugar being too high for too long was going to ruin my health. All kinds of bad shit was coming my way if I didn’t exercise more and limit my carbohydrates, fats, sweets etc. I weighed 253 lbs. then. Well my spouse had been battling ovarian cancer for a long time and we sure didn’t need me breaking down with health problems that I could do something about.

    Now we went to the clothing store and I was measured for my new clothes. The helpful tailor was measuring me and calling out numbers to an assistant. Often the term “executive cut” was added to these numbers. As we drove home I wondered what “executive cut” meant. My wife said it meant I was fat, overweight, portly.

    Yo donnie! I am no longer “executive cut”. I’m down to 213 pounds after two years. I CAN SELL YOU THAT SUIT OF MINE NOW!
    You sure look like you’re still “executive cut” and I do hope you stay that way! Yeah donnie! You look good packing all that extra lard! Don’t listen to the foodies and the health gurus! You just keep shoveling that junk food right down your pie-hole and chase it with a nice shot of high fructose corn syrup!

    Here’s looking at you kid!

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • Johnatx

    So, I guess Trump is just an asshole. Guess that makes me feel better?

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      no. that means he’s doing this by choice. it feels better if he can’t really help it.

  • klangston25

    So am I the only one that sees that 239 is exactly what Homer Simpson is alleged to weigh?

  • FDRliberal
    • Kryptonian Canis
      • Daniel

        Is he holding a doll’s arm to his crotch?

        • BadKitty904

          As one does.

        • Kryptonian Canis

          His massive girth is obscuring most of the woman attached to that leg behind him.

          But oh hey look, it’s the same too-small gold watch he still wears, with his arm flesh doing muffin tops over the edges even then!

          • Daniel

            I was hoping maybe this was a glimpse into the early years of Jan Svankmajer’s career, where he took beach holiday snaps for rich men to make a bit of cash and get his name out there.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          he’s got a girl in his underwear, who is trying to back out through the zipper

  • BadKitty904

    The examine also noted the patient’s massive, manly hands, the most virile in this examiner’s experience.

    ~ Dr. Ronnie Jackoff

  • Rick Hill

    Just who is this woman with her odd offerings?
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aPjvZmV_460s.jpg

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      30% of GOP voters do want to bomb Agrabah. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump wanted to bomb Wakanda, it sounds like a foreign country.

      https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/dec/18/republican-voters-bomb-agrabah-disney-aladdin-donald-trump

      • Rick Hill

        “We’re reviewing it but we will likely be cutting aid to them, no reason to send our money where it will be spent by people who hate us.”

      • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

        Trump would bomb Canada if Fox told him Alberta was a Muslim terrorist group. Heck, he’d bomb Alabama.

        • Covfefe

          Many of us would bomb Alabama, if it weren’t for the rules for rascals.

    • Gosala, a Girther

      I’m more concerned about relationships with Wonketteistanstanstan.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Wakanda? That shithole?

      • Rick Hill

        Royalty takes all the money and keeps it for themselves.

    • A Groucho Marxist

      “As we all know… and smart people are talking about this…the Wakandans are sending their worst people…they are rapists, their vibranium is of low quality…and, by the way, and a lot of people don’t know this, they are harboring war criminals…Steve Rogers is a criminal now, a lot of people haven’t heard about this.”

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • Daniel

      Lazy slob.

    • Roadstergal

      The man who ACTUALLY released his long-form health certificate. :p

  • ziggywiggy

    “healthy teeth and gums” So he doesn’t have full dentures, they’re just partials leaving him with maybe 4 teeth(that’s one way to not admit he wears them)? Because that slurred speech incident was definitely dentures slipping, I know I wear dentures. So if he kind of got around the truth on that one what other truths is he tiptoeing around?

    • jowgajen

      Doc explained that one as “too much Sudafed” in an article I just read. That doesn’t seem plausible to me, I don’t recall Sudafed causing motor difficulties?

      • Robyn Ryan

        It can when it’s made into meth.

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    K. The dr. Who looks after presidents. And more than just trump, right? He said, during a white house press briefing with huckabee, that trump…trump…the same asshole we see on TV every day and every.single.night…that guy…THAT GUY…is 239 pounds? Two Hundred and Thirty-nine pounds?

    I…I…aye yi yi…

  • BMW

    Wanna bet he makes passing this very basic cognitive test sound like he just scored 180 on the LSAT in tomorrow’s morning tweet-storm?

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      When does he claim he got a law degree between golf games?

  • Bill D. Burger

    “Ha…ha…ha! Let Sloppy Steve blabber. I’m in amaaaazing’ health and so svelte and trim. La, la, la la…….Suck it libtards. No one can touch me!”

    https://twitter.com/chunkled/status/953309528484909057

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    I know that it’s cold out, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to take stupid pills.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      But stupid pills make everything better! That’s what Donnie tells me!

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        if you work with me, they only give me a headache.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Don’t settle for stupid pills. Insist upon stupid pills AF (advanced formula.)

      You’ll be out of the loop quicker than a Mooch on a summer day.

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        I’m more speaking to the fact that everyone who I’m supposed to be working with seems to have gotten really stupid today.

        • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

          Times like this are when you really wish you could add a 10% idiocy surcharge, right?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            yes.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Are those the Extended Release version?

  • WeaselPoo

    At 5-11″ over a two year period I went from 155lb to 207lb. I acquired modest moobs and a 40″ waist. Nonetheless I did not look like Trump, even though I’m shorter. That doctor is lying.

  • JaveyDay
    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      My neighbor gave me a lovely Jade plant this past weekend. I’ve always wanted one.

      • JaveyDay

        I have a veritable forest of them. Hundreds. Many of them twenty, thirty, even forty years old.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Yes, but strictly as a container plant in zone 7.

      Mine came from a friend’s plant, which he claims he started from a leaf stolen from the naturalized jades on Alcatraz. I have no reason to doubt him and like the history.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    How many Brandy Beans from Trader Joe’s does it take to get smashed? I survived a visit to the MVD (DMV) today……transaction took only 8 minutes.

    • jowgajen

      I think you’d vomit from a sugar OD before you got drunk.

      • Jeffocaster in the West

        ok switching to vodka….

        • jowgajen

          You can use the brandy bean as a garnish.

          • Jeffocaster in the West

            I once ate an entire container of caramel corn (about 1200 calories) and got a fever and felt VERY sick…..

          • Jeffocaster in the West

            Yes, I am diabetic.

          • h4rr4r

            Well you are after that caramel corn.

          • bbayliss

            You’ve only done that once?

  • BadKitty904
  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    As I have said, I’m ok with the doc who took care of both W and O. Maybe it’s the stupid that makes Donald appear heavier than he is.

    • Pat Blake

      He is rather dense.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • TJ Barke

    There really is nothing they won’t lie about.

    • The Wanderer

      Nope. They’ll lie about lying.

      • Lord Jim

        Liar!

        • Gosala, a Girther

          Not the liar. Not the liar. You’re the liar.

          Liar!

  • Nounverb911

    From the NY Times in 2010:

    The Unbearable Lightness of Leading

    By JOHN KENNEY
    MARCH 6, 2010

    One oddity of the report: Mr. Obama weighed 179.9 pounds with his shoes and workout attire on, which is not the usual way to measure a patient’s weight.

    — The Times, March 1

    KATIE COURIC (in studio): “What’s the president hiding?” This question from senior members of the Republican Party, who are outraged tonight at what they’re calling the president’s “purported” weight. In a hastily called news conference, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, said he would call on Congress to convene a bipartisan panel made up entirely of Republicans to investigate the president’s weight:

    MITCH McCONNELL (at news conference): This president claims to weigh 179.9 pounds. How do we know that’s true? He wore shoes and workout pants and a jacket and a T-shirt and some kind of presidential undergarment. What is that garment? How much does it weigh? How do we know that he wasn’t wearing long underwear to add bulk to his delicate frame? Why is this administration so secretive when it comes to its own weight? — “CBS Evening News”

    Senate Democrats responded angrily this evening to allegations by senior members of the Republican Party that President Obama may, in fact, be wildly underweight.

    “It is despicable that members of this esteemed body would question the integrity and the weight of a sitting president during wartime,” said Harry Reid, the Senate majority leader. “I weigh 160 pounds. John McCain weighs 165. I know the height and weight of every member of my party because we’ve stood in a room, removed our clothing, and stood on that scale like old naked American men. While I have never seen the president naked, I have no doubt his weight is 179.9 and, if he were a woman, would probably wear a size six, though possibly a four in Armani.”— CNN.com

    Fox News tonight is reporting that President Obama may weigh only 127 pounds. Despite a report earlier this week released by the White House claiming Obama weighs 179.9 pounds, Fox claims it has sources who say the president is “grossly exaggerating his weight.” The source claims he saw the president “sweating profusely” before being weighed by doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

    “I thought it was weird, you know, because you never see a president sweat or, come to think of it, floss,” Fox quoted the source as saying. “Anyway, after he was weighed, I saw him take off, like, eight layers of clothes, including workout clothes, a tuxedo and a wetsuit.”

    The White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, scoffed at the allegations, saying the president doesn’t own a wetsuit and handing out photos of the president eating what appeared to be an entire cake and flossing afterward. Gibbs added, “Every Democrat should aspire to weigh 179.9 pounds, no matter his or her height. If we can’t have universal health care, surely we can have a universal health weight.”— The Associated Press

    The Senate Republican whip, Jon Kyl, called on President Obama to resign tonight, after allegations posted on a far-right-wing blog that Obama does not weigh anything.

    “It’s come to our attention that the president of the United States has no weight of any kind. How can he lead? How can he sit in a chair or wear clothing?” Kyl said.

    Kyl found himself in hot water earlier this week and was forced to apologize for comments seen as sexist when he said: “Who stands on a scale with their clothes on and calls it a fair measurement? My mother-in-law has a talking scale and the first time she stepped on, the machine said, ‘One at a time please.’”— Bloomberg

    SARAH PALIN (in studio): President Obama is weighing the nation down with his weightlessness-ness. I’m not going to use big words or fancy words. I’m just going to say what hockey moms and soccer moms around this great nation are wondering and that’s how can we trust a leader who might weigh less than a Victoria’s Secret model?

    Leadership is about weight. It’s about weighty issues. Issues involving weight and heavy things and people who have weight to them. Leaders who are men like Churchill or Roosevelt or what’s his name there, that U.N. fellow from way back, Dag Hammarskjold. Meat on their bones.

    It’s American to have weight. Get up on a scale, move the little thing there at the top. Hockey moms do it. Soccer moms do it. But jeez. About the only people who don’t do it are the French. And they’re Socialists. So you do the math.— “Meet the Press”

    Anna Wintour, longtime editor of Vogue, stepped into the fray caused by the president’s as-yet-unconfirmed weight. New reports have the president weighing 11 pounds 3 ounces, even though this is a physical impossibility and mortally dangerous. Wintour called it “almost the ideal weight, if he could lose three more pounds.” — Reuters

    John Kenney is a writer.

  • Electric Ukulele Land

    Maybe we’ll get lucky and at least he’ll start talking about his amazing medical exam results all the time instead of his amazing electoral college win.

  • A Groucho Marxist

    Duuude.. with that gut, he is at least 270, and that’s not counting the 10 pounds of hair he swirls around his head.

  • Jgb979

    I do buy the pillowy potato lump on the photos of “health” above has likely never exerted himself physically beyond a slow plod in his life, and he would have himself carried around on a golden palanquin from golf hole to golf hole even if it wasn’t so gauche. So maybe I buy 239

    All it means is there’s no physical excuse for why his brain is so broken. He didn’t decline from anything, he’s always just been an asshole.

    • bbayliss

      Donald Trump has a very strange theory about exercise – CNNPolitics
      http://www.cnn.com/2017/05/15/politics/donald-trump-exercise/index.html
      May 15, 2017 – After college, after Trump mostly gave up his personal athletic interests, he came to view time spent playing sports as time wasted. Trump believed the human body was like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted. So he didn’t work out.

  • Proud Liberal
  • Um Wonkette? Did you know that the “beefcake” being served up here was rejected by the USDA, right?

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      Pink Orange Slime

    • Kryptonian Canis

      90% pork byproduct, 10% sawdust

  • FDRliberal

    Oh yeah, Dr. Ron also tells us Dear Leader Trump is now 6’3″ as well, up an inch from a few years ago, when he had his NY driver license issued. I wonder if 6’1″ Obama also magically grew during his presidency?

    https://twitter.com/Rschooley/status/953393053795942400

    • Roadstergal

      Didn’t Obama’s full health report (he released it, of course, because he’s tyrannical and Deep State and shit) say he was 175lb?

      If Donnie doesn’t weigh at least 100lb more than him, I’ll eat that shitty tie.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      They showed some photos of him next to Bill O’Reilly (6′ 4″) and Jeb! Bush (6′ 3″), and he is noticeably shorter. When Donnie stood next to Mitt Romney (6′ 2″) they looked about even.

      • Daniel

        Because both of them pulled themselves up by their bootstraps.

    • SKruetheratbassedarDs

      The viagra makes him taller?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      The idiocy of constantly lying about things so easily disproved.

    • wavicles

      That man on the right is braver than me to stand so close to it.

  • BadKitty904
    • Jeffocaster in the West

      can…not…unsee…….these……………things…..

  • I’m just going to leave this here for no particular reason…

    http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/3118605/peter-griffin-orbit-o.gif

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    “dear Wonkies,

    I wanna bee Meeka’s social media director, but I gots no thumbs. my previous home took them away and the thumb fairy didn’t even leave me a dogputer.

    sadz,
    Calliope Jane”

    • Beanz&Berryz

      But with your nose, CJ, you can type like an Oldz on a phone. You’re good!

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        “I donut think that makes cut for jerb.” ~ CJ

        • Beanz&Berryz

          A nice tail wag might cover the difference.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            “she say I is already Morale Director. I guess that’s good. would rather be Morale PRINCESS.” ~ CJ

          • Beanz&Berryz

            MD sits nicely alongside . MP curls up in lap. FYI, CJ.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            “but…I am a princess. I should have that in my title. right now, I helpin’ clean the ‘oar fish’.” ~ CJ

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Well, really, a Princess is a strong kind girl. Are you a strong kind girl, CJ?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            “yesh. I the cutest and the smartest and the lovingest. that all make me berry strong!” ~ CJ

          • Beanz&Berryz

            And a Princess.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            “see?!” ~ CJ

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        “but that lady still have thumbs…?” ~ CJ

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          They down have thumbs either.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            “but…I see dem thumbs. I know dewy claws ain’t much to look at, but she have them. mines was cut off.” ~ CJ

    • msanthropesmr

      Social Media Director is overrated. Be director of biscuits and tummy rubs. Much better position – supine, on the couch.

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        “ooo! I likes that. I loves the cheezy poops biscuits best.” ~ CJ

    • JustDon’tSayShithole

      Who’s Meeka? anudder foster?

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        “Meeka my Meeka. she feed me and Cary Cary. she take me walkie when my toeses wonnut freeze off. I sleeps under the cubbers with her. you talkie to her all the times. I donut know you not know who Meeka is.” ~ CJ

        • JustDon’tSayShithole

          OK, Ceej, I’s all caught up naoh

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            “good. I hopin’ you wasn’t havin’ a Kirstjen moment.” ~ CJ

  • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

    Can FOIA be used for presidential health reports?

  • Nounverb911
    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Does he know anything about Beghaziuraniumemails?

      • Pat Blake

        I”m sure he knows about uranusemails!

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      Is he a friend of Wendy Deng?

    • Anna Rompage

      I wonder if he knew Wendy Deng?

    • Victoria Ricola

      Whoa.

    • That is supremely fucked.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Sure Trump does it and its fine but when a CIA agent does it then its a problem.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Looks like this happened on Obama’s watch.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Yeah, and I bet his cholesterol is 120 also……

  • Mr. Blobfish

    At age 60, Jack Lalanne swam to Alcatraz handcuffed. At age 60, Trump got winded chasing adult film stars around the bed. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c0bad527d01b72e62e7ab6b0dca8f493fdda7ff7c5ea64af12c9e99daa605837.jpg

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      But the supplements he drank seemed to have a strange effect on his hands………HA! Trump should try it!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      TBF, those porn stars had unbelievable incentive not to be caught

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I must admit that I laugh just a bit whenever I read articles accusing Trump of having dementia, because when my father had dementia, the first question the doctors would ask him was “Who is President of the United States?” and poor dad didn’t know the correct answer (FDR!). But I am sure that Trump can ace that question, so it figures his doctor would say he doesn’t have dementia.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Didn’t some Wonker’s dad recently answer: “ you don’t want to know”?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      The day, date, year- then who is president. It’s rather common when assessing dementia. My mom failed- that’s why she doesn’t get to live on her own anymore.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        I dunno the date.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Since I retired I don’t have a fucking clue what the day/date is until I look at the computer after I get up in the morning. I was always very good with the day (go to work or don’t go to work, this is critical information) But I never was very good at dates. I have this horrible fear that some day a police investigator will ask me “Where were you at 7:39 pm on Tuesday, March 16?” I will not have the foggiest idea.

        • C4TWOMAN

          As a working artist who primarily sells on the weekends, I have a similar problem: I’m always asking costumers what the date is.

    • Ringletwraith

      Ugh. I have to ask that question on the daily as a means of assessing patients’ mental status. I dreaded asking it when Obama was Prez because . . . Idaho. My favorite response to date in this, the Era of the Orange Menace, is, “The white guy who hates everybody.”

    • Doug Langley

      “Now can you tell us who the President of the United States is?”
      “I am! Bigly! By the biggest vote!!”
      “Okay, I guess that finishes -”
      “And I’m the Queen of England!”
      “Um -”
      “And I’m the Emperor of China!!”
      “Nurse, will you clear my schedule for the rest of the day?”

  • The Wanderer

    I made bean and ham soup yesterday, but apart from checking on the seasoning I didn’t have any. A night in the fridge in order to skim off the fat, a quick reheat on the stove, and wow.

    Nice flavor, the beans weren’t mushy, the chopped carrots had practically dissolved into the broth. ‘Tis delicious, and I am Pleased with my effort.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Ham does Wonders.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      A good soup to warm the body and soul.

      • Jeffocaster in the West

        Sorry, not Kosher…not sure about either for that reason….

      • Doug Langley

        Perfect for these cold days.

    • epazote

      Try small white beans and split peas (equal measures) and ham…makes the soup even tastier !

  • JoeChristmas

    A two bit carnival barker can guess this two-bit swindlers weight better than Quacky Jackson. 270 lbs., at least.

  • Master Contrail Program

    One can only hope his reachin’ broom doesn’t hit the wrong button. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ae7b10099bbe77dc416c409ac05f062a4fae6eabdd7904fb75538652e877d7c9.png

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Yo, the president is so fat he’s got 5 other people orbiting him at all times.

  • Jennifer R

    I was a very out of shape six three once. I guess that shape could be 239 at 6 3? Maaaaaaaaaaybe?
    But I was in fucking horrendous shape.

  • memzilla Ω

    BREAKING: Haiti is no longer demanding an apology from Dolt 45 for his “shithole” comment. They’re demanding a lock of his hair.
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/840a1a73524b8d8464d0831b111091e02e4a82a9be62db19f62dba2e2d4fcf59.jpg

  • Bill D. Burger

    Porn Star: Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels Invited Me to Their Hotel Room
    ‘I ended up with Donald in his hotel room. Picture him chasing me around his hotel room in his tighty-whities,’ Stormy Daniels told fellow porn star Alana Evans.

    https://m.popkey.co/29f9f2/kv8Jl.gif

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    The president is so fat when he sits around the white house, we literally mean he sits around the white house.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      ba dum bump

    • bbayliss

      Don’t get me started on his mother.

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      Should I try the veal?

  • Nounverb911
    • Jake Harper

      Yummy.

      • SDGeoff3

        O dear gawd in heaven.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Well, hello there!

    • bbayliss

      Everyone knows black muscle weighs less

      • Roadstergal

        Black muscle matters!

    • h4rr4r

      Muscle is much heavier than fat.

    • Rick Hill

      Wow, I’m glad they specified who this was because at first I thought it was trump with a full suntan. Btw, isn’t this the physique his slurp dogs use in the fan fiction of trump? (Not saying that these guys draw trump like that and then head to their bunks, oh, no, not saying that at all)

      • BJW

        I saw one of those pics somewhere. The artist had a vivid imagination as Trump didn’t look that toned when he was young.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Is there enough of this to go around? Yum!

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      Trump is more of a scat back.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      I’d take a knee for him.

      • Jake Harper

        Don’t even start me on what I’d take for him…

    • Shibusa

      Heckuva way to end your career, Dr. Ronny.

    • Mister Thibs

      Meet Mister Murray, you say? Don’t mind if I do.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    If Trump ever needs a transfusion, the doctors just need to head down to KFC and get a coupla quarts of gravy.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Yo, the president is so fat it took me a plane, train and an automobile
    just to reach his good side.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Good side? Fake news!

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Because he is a black hole that is beyond the event horizon…..uh…SHIT hole

  • FDRliberal

    Sorry Dr Ron, I’m guessing you were given the same Room 101 re-education as Lying Tom Cotton. The Orange Scumbag is at least 270 pounds and 6′ 2″.

    As Chris Hayes says, I guess that makes me a “girther”.

    https://i.imgur.com/7wacR76.jpg?fb

    • That’s a scary thought, what if all these people went in with noble intentions, but Bannon locked them in a room and gave them the Clockwork Orange treatment until telling the truth made them physically sick?

  • Jon Sussex

    That’s his weight on the moon silly.

  • nightmoth

    I’m not saying the doc is stupid, instead of bought and paid for, but not all medical schools are equal, and even in the lesser ones, somebody has to graduate last in the class.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Donald Trump ain’t no 239. I heard when he stepped on the scale it read, “To be continued….”

    • Roadstergal

      Oh, that’s where the scale maxed out!

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      “Please put on both feet…”

    • therblig

      “one at a time, please”

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      “What? BOTH feet on the scale?!”

    • Bub the very stable zombie

      “Tilt”

  • therblig

    so, if he doesn’t have dementia is he just cinder block stupid?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Cinder block libel!

  • The Wanderer
    • Guys, is that what a penis is supposed to look like, ’cause if so I may need a doctor…

      • The Wanderer

        It looks vaguely phallic, which was enough to let pareidolia take over and make people giggle. It’s the Age of Trump; we need laughs wherever we can get them.

    • Sophia

      “about to enter Tennessee.” Snerk.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Trump is so healthy, he’s the headliner on ‘The Amazing Racist.’

    ~rimshot~

  • Rick Hill

    The preznit had no trouble completing the cognitive assessment. Finished it the first time around and in less than ten minutes, to boot!
    https://www.hasbro.com/common/productimages/en_US/8ebe6ec86d4010148bf09efbf894f9d4/609072345056900B1099C269A5AF45D7.png

    • SDGeoff3

      Barron coached him well.

      • Rick Hill

        He does look like a very patient young man

    • therblig

      he must have used a hammer

      • Rick Hill

        Hey! That’s a national security issue

  • meanlawyermom

    No way he is 236 pounds unless that scale is broken. However, the dementia test he was given is a real test given to measure the progression of dementia in alzheimers patients. I’m not a doc, so I don’t know if this is a basic screening. People with advanced dementia start forgetting how to read clocks. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have dementia, it’s just not advanced enough that he’s forgotten how to tell time or ID a camel.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      He first asked whether the camel had a green card and could he deport it.

      • meanlawyermom

        I love you.

    • jowgajen

      I mean, the test measures basic cognitive function. So, all it’s saying is that the brain organ is still working. It doesn’t measure quality of thought, and it’s not a measure of mental health. We could take some comfort that the guy at least still has this basic capability.

      Except that, the statement regarding his exam starts out with a bald-faced lie about his height and weight. Which discredits the whole statement. We have no idea if the test was even administered, no idea how well he did or did not do on it because there is no credibility.

    • Sophia
      • alpacapunchbowl

        Make a wish!

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      You know how there’s an Open Ended Richter scale and the other one which isn’t? This is the non-open-ended Bathroom Scale.

    • DrBigHead

      Or if they were honest about the results. See, you fat, orange fascist! This is what your continual lying has led to .Rational people are not going to believe you even if you say water is wet.

    • notaten

      Progression is , I think, the key word. All that test can tell you is on March 1st at 0830, he scored perfectly, but on April 8th at 1430 he struggled, and you don’t even want to know what happened after dinner in any of those days. It has to be assessed over time and at different times of day to have any meaning. It’s meaningless, is what I’m saying.

      • meanlawyermom

        Exactly!

  • Nounverb911
  • Can’t blame the Trumpster fo being a little thicker around the middle. These things are just so delicious that you can’t just eat one:

    https://twitter.com/goldengateblond/status/948253731610509314

    I can see how that man got elected now

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • TJ Barke

    Has anybody ever seen Ronnie Jackson and Anthony Scaramucci together in the same place?

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      Ronnie Jackson is probably just John Barron’s alter ego.

    • Bub the very stable zombie

      See, that’s why I like you TJ. You have a helluva mean streak.

  • jesuswasablack

    I’m sad to report that I have roughly the same physical structure as tRump, I’m in my fifties, I still work out some but life has caught up with me, I’m not really fat but I am definitely portly not unlike tRump. I am 5’11” and I weigh 250lbs. Their aint no fucking way that fat fuck who is 6’3″ weighs less than I do? Why does everyone lie for this horrible man?
    http://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/wuzup-naija/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/24122327/nude.jpg

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Thanks, you’re helping with my diet…….

      • Shan

        This is why I use the “hide media” feature.

        • jesuswasablack

          I’ve been refraining from posting the pic, but I thought it appropriate to the discussion here!

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Trump claimed his approval with black folk has doubled, which is true since zero times zero is zero.

  • Nounverb911
  • vukojebina_MΩment

    Short version: “I’m not A Moran, my mother Gen. Kelly had me tested.”

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Covfefe

    If Donald is that svelte, what’s with the red tie?

  • Wackyland Radio Resistor

    Sorry if this has already been pointed out (I’ve been running around all day) but this magic weight number combined with his height of 6’3” is exactly what it should be for him to be classified as “overweight” instead of “obese.” Amazing.

    Also, wasn’t he six-two during the primary?

    Also, can someone please post pictures of what a 240 lb, 6’3” human male with average musculature looks like? Because this is LIES and omg omg omg the lying. OMG.

    (Also, since his weight is an obvious lie, can we really assume dude can actually say “camel” and draw a clock?)

  • La forza del resistino

    Steve Bannon faces 2 subpoenas from Mueller and wonders should I wear extra shirts?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      A change of drawers and pants is advised.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Victoria Ricola

    Old Casey Jones’s doctor also said today that he had perfectly excellent sinuses and that there was no medical reason for his constant sniffing except normal everyday regular living.

  • Nounverb911
  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • Nasty Candy Apple

    Ooh, let him think he’s super svelte. Maybe he’ll justify an extra Big Mac per day because of it, and we’ll be delivered of this jackass by the natural process of atherosclerosis.

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • Michael R

      .. because you can see both of them with your own eyes ?

    • Nasty Candy Apple

      I guess I’m supposed to also disbelieve my own eyeballs in order to believe the doctor.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      No its really not, want to try again?

      • Martini A, very stable genius

        PitchBot is super-satirical. I love his hawt takes.

    • OrG

      Except one is bullshit and the other is not.

    • Chyron HR

      What kind of comeback even is this? “Ha ha, your conspiracy theory makes you sound like the President of the United States, a man who allegedly possesses genius-level intellect and does not suffer any cognitive impairment”?

    • bbayliss

      Exactly the same, except for the part where he claims to be 6’3′ when his driver’s license says 6’1″and the photos of him standing next to Obama who is 6’1″.

    • Yeah, both fail the eye test, that’s for sure… I mean, we can see that Dampnut is enormous and couldn’t possibly be only 239lbs, but we can also see that Obama is black, and therefore obviously Nigerian.

  • FDRliberal

    Looking forward to finding out Trump’s real height, once Dr. Mueller is done.

    https://twitter.com/Rschooley/status/953408499525992448

  • God Emperor Emeritus

    I’m the same height as dipshit, and I weigh in the range of 195-200 Real American Pounds. I am quite thin. There is no fucking way in hell that tub is only 40 lbs more than me. Zero ways.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    When comparing the weight of different individuals, it is important to account for bone density. Denser, thicker bones can account for up to 15 lbs of weight compared to a person of the same size and height with slender bones and low bone density. Bone density is increased when you do activities that put stress on the bone structure, such as playing sports, exercising, dancing, hiking or weight lifting, and Trump has been sitting on his tush for a long, long time. Playing golf and grabbing pussies doesn’t count.

    But in this case I think brain density might more significant.

  • OrG

    EVERYTHING these fuckers say must be assumed to be a big fat fucking lie.

    • bbayliss

      EVERYTHING

    • bluicebank

      Upgrading your premise to an axiom.

  • Rasilom

    So I is 6ft and weigh 205lbs. The only way tRump comes in at 239lbs is by only putting 1 foot on the scale while waving $100 bills at the doc. Seriously I have HALF the body mass of the Orange Shit Stain.

    • Arolpin

      I’m only 5’ 8” and I’m 197 pounds. I’ve been 240 pounds (been losing about 2 pounds/month for the last 20 months) and even at 240 pounds I looked thinner than Trump. I’m naturally more muscular, and wrestling through high school (down Gayer Than Thou, I was never a cellege wrestler) certainly put some muscle on me, but either Dr Ronnie (sic) is lying or that scale needs to go to the calibration lab, STAT!

      • Rasilom

        My heavyest was 250lbs. I still was in better shape than the Shit Gibbon. Thankfully a diviorce made it easy to loose 50 lbs in short order. Always look on the bright side. Diveorce = weight loss!!

  • Bill D. Burger

    239 pounds! That fat ass orange blimp?

    If so, that’s his weight in ‘Moon Pounds’…as in “On the moon, he weighs….”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’ve been napping with the cat, so by now someone has to have pointed out there is NO WAY IN HELL a man who claims to be 75″ tall weight 239 lbs with the torso Donald sports. Just no fucking way at all.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      You’re the first! Congratulations!

    • BadKitty904

      Your time was better spent napping with the cat than reading “Dr.” Ronnie’s inane bullshit.

  • jesuswasablack
    • Rasilom

      See! Thats what Ima talkin about. That is an in shape athelete. tRump is an out of.shape Big Mac eatin piece of shit who rings the bell at at least 300+ lbs.

  • msanthropesmr
  • Bub the very stable zombie

    No professional physician or military officer who is not compromised or coerced in some way would EVER make a statement as outlandish as this:
    “Dr. Jackson continued, ‘I told the president that if he had a healthier diet over the last 20 years, he might live to be 200 years old.”

    https://crooksandliars.com/2018/01/presidential-physician-says-trumps

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      He was joking. And just maybe it was in fact a dig at Donald for his food habits.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      I will be impressed if trump lives to be 72 to be honest

      • Bub the very stable zombie

        I want very much for him to make it to 74. And then to expire on the steps of the U.S. Capitol building as the 46th President of the United States (a Democrat) is being inaugurated.

        • subatomic

          Trump would be too petty to attend the inauguration after losing,

          • Bub the very stable zombie

            You’re right, but what the hell. He’ll be in prison by then anyway.

    • Hemp Dogbane

      A pretty snarky way to say he has the worst dietary habits ever seen.

  • Oneofthebobs

    I think the doctor got his degree at Trump University.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    It’s pretty easy to manipulate the scale if you stand just right. Wouldn’t be surprised if he leaned back on his heels a bit.

    • bbayliss

      I understand that he exaggerates his height from 6’1″ to 6’3″ to stay off the obese list.

      • Sophia

        He’s not fat, he’s short for his weight?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          He’s undertall.

    • Bub the very stable zombie

      I doubt if he’s capable of leaning backwards 45°, even if his feet were nailed to the scale. However *hefts pneumatic nail gun* I’d be more than willing to put my theory to the test.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Well, to be fair, his hands weigh almost nothing ___ but 239 lbs?

    addendum: The rocks in his head would more than make up the digit deficit.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Everyone knows fat weighs less than muscle, and dementia weighs less than fat, so since Trump is mostly fat and dementia 239# is exactly right.

  • Bub the very stable zombie
  • Raan

    He weighs 239 my sweet Irish ass.

  • FDRliberal

    RWNJs used to accuse President Obama of incredible feats of wizardry when discussing their lunatic conspiracy theories, Here the 6’1″ Obama magically makes so called 6’3″ Trump look two inches shorter.

    http://ww1.hdnux.com/photos/56/51/36/12228512/5/920×920.jpg

    • Bub the very stable zombie

      Aw! Wook at his cute widdle hands!

      • BadKitty904

        And that stupid-ass, over-long tie.

        • Bub the very stable zombie

          He’s such an utter fucking oaf.

      • JaveyDay

        *Eric Trump Responds*

        You are my Daddy.
        You are so Very Big and Strong.
        Your hands are Very Giant and your Fingers are So Long.
        I am Your Baby Boy, Barron ain’t got Shit on me.
        Now DADDY, won’t you Tell me that You Love me PLEASE (Sad!)

    • jowgajen

      I could believe Trump is actually a little taller here. Obama has a little lift to his shoe, where Trump appears to have completely flat shoes. Also Trumps’ shoulder is a bit higher than Obama, which suggests Trump is slouching a bit. So you could maybe stretch height to 6’2″, but not 6’3″.

      • Me not sure

        Don’t forget to subtract the pompadour.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Have we ever seen Trump NOT slouch? And scowl?

  • Joshua Norton

    also that he weighs 239 pounds

    Yeah. He weighs 239 just like he’s a billionaire. Only in his fever-swamp imagination.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Dr. Ronny Jackson, the presidential physician who conducted President Trump’s physical last week said he conducted a cognitive assessment of the president as part of the exam. Jackson said he has “no indication he has any cognitive issues.”

    correction: ….said he has “no indication he has any cognitive function.” FIFY

  • Mike Minden

    What do you say about person who can’t tell the truth about >anything<???

    • Sophia

      I call him my boss but that’s just me

    • Hello literally every Republican politician and/or supporter in 2018!

    • BadKitty904

      “Dude, you should quit being a Republican.”

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Donald Trump is a fucking moron?

  • jesuswasablack
    • Rick Hill

      Ok, that was a downfisting.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Ugh, why do I browse this place with auto image expansion turned on.

      YOU MONSTER!

      • Marion in Savannah

        What did I miss? This showed up as a blocked non-commenter for me.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          It’s the Chris Christie acorn-smuggling baseball picture.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            8 pounds of acorns down the front of his pants.

          • Marion in Savannah

            Oh, jeez louize… Thank gawd it’s blocked.

        • jowgajen

          Strongly recommend you keep it that way.

        • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

          Have you ever seen a camel wearing ballet shoes?

    • therblig

      private citizen fat fucking orca returned to mendham today. one malignant growth has been removed from the body politic.

      edit: no, i don’t care for him

  • Rick Hill

    Red is grey and yellow white. But we decide which is right. And which is an illusion?https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aLjKvKV_460s.jpg

  • Shan

    239lbs? On what planet?

  • rocktonsam

    Mueller has been chasing him and is getting closer , could explain why his weight came down 100 pounds or the metric system… Who cares, Russia Russia Russia, you guys.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      But the females!!!!!females!!!!!what about him and the females!!!?!!?!

      • rocktonsam

        Yes, a fat guy can burn tremendous calories when walking from the golf cart to the green.

  • Gosala, a Girther

    I’m sorry. I like to make fun of POTUSINO as much as anyone,

    But

    I’m not cool with mocking him as mentally ill or suffering from dementia and I’m going to be boring about the subject.

    First, diagnosing a person, any person, from afar — and also too especially as a non expert — is unethical, immoral and dangerous.

    Second, the popular diagnosis of mental illness merely serves to other Trump, to create a safe distance between us and him. This safe distance exonerates us from confronting how he and his supporters may in fact be normal and more like us than we would like.

    A wonker posted on another thread an analysis of Trump as a perfectly normal country club sort, profanity, racism, misogyny, narcissism included.

    Othering Trump by labeling him as mentally ill simply removes our responsibility for confronting this fact.

    Third, using mental illness to other Trump is a disservice to those who are actually mentally ill. It shoves them aside as being unworthy of consideration as real human beings worthy of real respect.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This guy has access to the launch codes.

      Keep that in mind.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      And for further perspective: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2018/01/16/presidential-health-heres-what-we-know-health-obama-bush-and-clinton/1035730001/

      I have a bad heart valve and just over the line for blood pressure and cholesterol. But, my heart is strong but I am due to have a procedure to prevent my heart from racing without the ability to stop. Last fall, I had to have my heart stopped and restarted to get it back into a normal rhythm. Would all this make me unfit? I am 5’11” and 180 lbs. I cook all our own food with almost no salt. I have a history of being an adult child of an alcoholic and have had therapy. Would I be unfit to serve?

      • Toomush Stability

        As long as you’re not undercooked…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      He’s a racist, a pathological liar, is extremely paranoid and prone to grandiose conspiracy theories, a confessed sexual predator, a germaphobe, punched out a teacher and pelted an infant in a crib with stones as a kid, boasts incessantly, is terminally insecure, and expresses constant vindictive fantasies about those with whom he disagrees. But yeah, let’s not speculate that there may be something wrong with him.

      • Gosala, a Girther

        It’s always fun to be misread. I never said that there isn’t something wrong with the boy (there clearly is). What I said is that calling mental illness is irresponsible, easy and unfair to people with actual mental illness.

        • Toomush Stability

          Oh, you’re talking about specific diagnoses. I’ll settle for just fuckin’ ass crazy!…

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I genuinely don’t understand your argument. Pointing out that the president of the United States has many attributes associated with sociopathy is not a way of demeaning those who struggle with mental health issues.

          • Gosala, a Girther

            To the casual observer he may have many attributes similar to whatever. That doesn’t mean he is whatever.

            Using whatever to dismiss him as somehow beyond the human pale means implicitly dismissing genuine sufferers of whatever as beyond the human pale.

            I don’t know how to be clearer; so if we still don’t understand each other can we amicably agree that we don’t understand each other and proceed from there?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            If the conversation about Trump’s mental health-or lack of it-devolved into generally demeaning or dismissing as less than human people who struggle in this regard, I’d be right with you. That, as far as I have seen, isn’t the case. Not to mention this is Wonkette, sharp satire is kinda of what people here do, and it there is generally a little room given to someone who might, for example, repeat a common stereotype about black folks; they are doing so not to endorse that bit of racism, but to mock those who do. On top of that, we’re talking about the Leader of the Free World, not someone’s dotty auntie. The stakes are a bit higher. That said, have you ever known a genuine sociopath in your life? It’s no fun. We disagree….that’s fine.

    • SisterArtemis

      Thanks, Gosala. I do think he may actually have some forms of mental illness, but of course can’t know for sure, and that if true, is still nothing to make fun of.
      I’ve dealt with a lot of actual, clinical mental illness in my family, and it’s no laughing matter.

      I do see signs of narcissism and some other disturbing things, but that’s speculation based on behaviors we see in the media. And regardless, the despicable parts of Trump have little if anything to do with any possible illness – he’s crude, rude and incredibly small-minded, and those traits are worth focusing on.

      Not too thrilled, either, with slamming the guy for his weight, because fat itself is no indicator of character. On the other hand, I’m totally good with slamming in his hypocrisy when he slights others for how they look. God gawd, what an awful man he is.

      • Gosala, a Girther

        Yes. He has sufficient moral failings that we don’t really need to look any further.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Well, as much as I hate to say it, the weight may be borderline right. Mr. MinS is 6’3″ and, although he’s built somewhat differently in that he carries more of his excess weight in front and less in his ass, he now weighs about 235. Do I think they shaved off about 10 or 15 pounds? You bet. But they’re at least in sight of the ballpark.

  • BadKitty904

    What would I have to bribe/threaten “Dr.” Ronnie with to tell the world that I’m tall, dark, and handsome?

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk
      • BadKitty904

        Hey, bay-buh…

      • Marion in Savannah

        Gorgeous! What a pair of come hither eyes…

        • BadKitty904

          Beloved Bastet, mistress of happiness and bounty, twin of the Sun God, slay the evil that afflicts our minds as you slay the serpent Apep. With your graceful stealth, anticipate the moves of all who perpetrate cruelties and stay their hands against the children of light. Grant us the joy of song and dance, and ever watch over us in the lonely places in which we must walk…

      • SisterArtemis

        Awwww… looks so much like my dearly-departed Buddy The Cat.

    • Shan

      There’s absolutely nothing wrong with “fun size”, ginger, and adorable!

      • BadKitty904

        Yeah, just call me “Snack”.

  • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

    CNN says Trump was watching the entire briefing from his doctor and was very happy with it.

    http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/16/politics/ronny-jackson-health-donald-trump/index.html

  • Nounverb911
    • Sophia

      ROLF

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Painter of Goats

    Dak Prescott is 6’2″ and weighs 229. The similarity to Trump is uncanny.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d5037e450707e922b288ed0bff55308326bd185b59489aedcefd1a8e0277c48c.png

    • BadKitty904

      They’re like twins! Except Dak has a tan. And isn’t a traitorous psychotic.

      • WIDTAP

        Well, it’s not so much tan as tone – if Dak has the same amount of melanin, only in Umpa Lumpa Orange….

        • BadKitty904

          (I was joking about the “tan”.)

    • DrBigHead

      Oh my god! They are the same person!!!

    • Marion in Savannah

      Well, muscle weighs much more than fat. And the FSM knows Trump got none of those things.

      • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

        But bullshit weighs more than fat and he’s got a lot of that.

  • Ok, which one of you wrote this? It has the special Wonkette sheen:

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/amphtml/blogs/compost/wp/2018/01/13/ladies-lets-be-reasonable-about-metoo-or-nothing-will-ever-be-sexy-again/

    If the writer had put on her Ally Mcbeal micro-minied cosplay and non-sequitured some inapplicable legalistic rhetoric (“Due Process!”) she would have won Garbage Men Bingo.

    • Shan

      SHUT UP, ALEXANDRA!

      I couldn’t even get past the first couple of paragraphs of that dreck.

      • Oh i guess people didn’t get it. It’s clearly (ok to me anyway) sarcasm, making a mockery of all the hideously stupid “backlash” articles and commentary that have popped up for the whole THREE MONTHS #metoo was a thing (that’s more than enough time devoted to the issue of non-consensual sexual contact, right?)

        Here a nice verbal jab against the enablers right here:

        But then it started to spread until we were even ruining the careers of people who were accused of minor offenses, like saying “good morning” with a weird emphasis, or eating a sandwich while maintaining eye contact with someone who wasn’t their wife, or emailing a woman a respectful compliment.

        Oh no, have none of these things happened? My mistake. I am worried that they will, which is just as bad.

        (Emphasis mine, because it’s a point I only had to stress 15 FUCKING TIMES just yesterday alone.)

        And you can see the wicked satire in this passage:

        I understand that there is a problem, but women need to stop being victims. There are two ways for this to happen: One is for men to stop harassing women. Another is for women just to ignore the problem and carry on. That second approach has been tried for many years and was, I thought, successful. Let’s go back to that. It is much easier for women to stop complaining than it is for men to have to change their behavior and give them the basic respect they accord colleagues they do not want to sleep with.

        (Emphasis mine again because this is what the contrarians are ACTUALLY saying when they pretend to be making “logical arguments” against “hysterical” feminist.)

        It’s basically a Whitman Sampler of sexual misconduct rationalizations, offered up before being burned up by clever wit (strawmen catch on fire fast dotchcha know?)

        • Shan

          Well, NOW I need to read it!

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’m not even sure that the point of that shit is. Was it supposed to be serious? Or snarky? I think it failed on all points.

      • Shan

        I guess it was supposed to be snark. But there’s already too much REAL garbage out there like that. Unfortunately.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I cannot believe the whole world is fixated on Aziz Ansari’s date

      • From what I’m hearing a lot of woman have had apparently an “Aziz Ansari date”

  • La forza del resistino

    FB to change emphasis on feeds from news to more family input. Like I need more, new Thanksgiving dinner conversations in real time.

    • Marion in Savannah

      And there’s ANOTHER reason not to mess with FarceBook.

      • BadKitty904

        Amen.

      • La forza del resistino

        ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ It will be on my gravestone.

        • They’ve mostly given up asking me that, but I did just get a message asking who my +1 would be for my cousin’s wedding…

  • Jonny On Maui
  • Bill D. Burger

    Perfect health. Svelte 239. Celebrated by eating an entire bucket of KFC.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/29915126ab7cb63c785b1d9bc77d234eafc19b12d647dfc3b99ce455904f0964.png

  • If we only had a wackadoodle white power sheriff from Arizona & bankrupt game show host to pursue the doctor’s real report… #Girther

  • marxalot

    That’s it, y’all, I’m setting this thing to “hide media” because you fuckers cannot be trusted.

    • Rasilom

      We never asked you to trust us. That be on yoir own ass ROFL!

    • Doug Langley

      Exactly what part of “vile nasty snark mob” was confusing you?

    • vukojebina_MΩment

      You cannot trust us. Believe me.

      • CripesAmighty

        Many people are saying that.

    • SisterArtemis

      One of the best Disqus decisions I’ve made.

  • Jenny

    How can any doctor say yup you’re gonna live 3 years no problem. Shit happens. Even if he is as fit as the doctor claims, cancer still happens This doctor seems really irresponsible.

    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      Someone posted down thread that the doctor said he could have lived to be 200.

      • theCryptofishist

        Okay, someone’s messing with us.

    • epazote

      He was promised a promotion to Full Admiral for a good report

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      When my Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer, the Doctor said they had every reason to believe he could live 5 years or more with treatment. He made it 2 1/2. My sister took that 5 years estimate to heart. She was completely unable to accept he was dying ahead of schedule. You have to take all that stuff with a big grain of salt. No one knows the future.

      • Shan

        Yeah. My stepdad had what the doctor declared to be a very successful surgery for colon cancer but he died just over a week later from an inoperable brain tumor.

        Truckload of salt.

        • Ms. MLG on Maui

          Oh God. How awful. I am so sorry.

          • Shan

            It was. I really loved him and he was Mom’s soul mate.

            Damn onion ninjas.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      well, they’re not saying car accidents don’t happen.

  • notaten

    While it is fun to make fun of drumpfs physical health, I am actually fine with him ignoring all of the warning signs and dropping dead while in office. The sooner the better, and as long as it happens before he blows us all up. His syncophants would be knocking each other over for the chance to play Let’s Make a Deal with Mueller.

  • OrdinaryJoe
    • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

      They look exactly the same in those pictures.

      • bbayliss

        Do not!?! one is wearing a glove

        • Magma Cardhole jesterpunk

          You cant see the bottom picture guy’s one hand.

          • bbayliss

            got me.

  • vukojebina_MΩment

    FSS, people. Who among you has never hidden a dirigible up your anal cavity while keeping one foot on the floor while having your weight measured?

    • Pisto75666

      Just once. But in my defense who hasn’t done that kind of thing while they’re in college?

    • Sakonyachen

      I had the balloons in my rectum when I went through customs. They didn’t weigh me though.

  • mrFawkes
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I wonder if he pees when you whistle. Let’s ask those Russian hookers!

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      http://rvdr-cdn2.appxtreme.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/See-Grins-RV-logo-400×330.png

      During the 2012 election, this horse character said something along the lines of “vote for prosperity” or some idiocy during a commercial.

      Now he’s known to me as See Grins the Racist Horse. And every time I drive past their stupid RV center I have to do the voice and yell “build the wall” or some other nonsensical bullshit.

    • mrFawkes

      Trump’s Secret Service code name: SeeBiscuit EatBiscuit

  • Nounverb911
    • Tomorrow “The President* never said anything about a fake news awards show, suggesting that he did is fake news!”

      • theCryptofishist

        We have always been at war with Fackgnusia.

    • BadKitty904

      I’ve never met a fake news awards show. He’s never worked for me,

    • Michael R

      alternative facts II
      Did anyone question her on that shit ?

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

    https://twitter.com/rudepundit/status/953377356156211200 Telling us all what Trump wants us to believe.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Sleeping only 4-5 hours a night is probably one reason his brain is turning to mush.

      • Shan

        “n the short term, a lack of adequate sleep can affect judgment, mood, ability to learn and retain information, and may increase the risk of serious accidents and injury. In the long term, chronic sleep deprivation may lead to a host of health problems including obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and even early mortality.”

        http://healthysleep.med.harvard.edu/healthy/matters/consequences

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        No credible doctor is going to agree that you only need 4-5 hours of sleep. They would advise that you limit that as much as possible because it does have the cumulative negative effects that Shan listed. A healthy adult should get somewhere between 7-9 hours of sleep.

      • divegrl

        He probably also has sleep apnea (undiagnosed, perhaps) which causes brain fog, reduced mental ability and is hard on your heart and can cause premature death.

    • Yep, that has all the hallmarks of this shitty administration’s shitty writing style.

    • DainBramage

      Is it a lawful or unlawful order when the Commander in Chief orders Navy Rear Adm. Dr. Ronny Jackson to lie.

      • This is a VERY valid point. He would be refusing a direct order to not say EXACTLY what Dampnut told him to say.

      • data_ninja

        That’s exactly what I was thinking.

      • Fire and Fury Demme

        I have been asking myself:
        Why would a Dr. risk his reputation like this?
        Could he have to follow a direct order?
        Very scary.

    • like really RESISTLY GHERKINS!

      Did Doctor also tell him “electricity baths are good for you,” “power drills are highly recommended for troublesome nosehairs” and “only weak people need to wear seatbelts.”

      Sounds like Doc has a ringer for his next dead pool wager.

    • Jimh

      Kim Jong Un’s doctor says those kind of things.

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    239 kg maybe.

  • WIDTAP

    Just as I suspected. Trump is neither crazy or demented. He simply is an evil asshole, plain and simple.

    • OutOfOrbit

      and truly stupid

  • Courser_Resistance

    Has it gotten horrifically worse the past few days? With everyone lying their fucking faces on national television? Okay, I didn’t expect better from the DHS idiot, but the doc? I didn’t think I could be any more disgusted and demoralized, but here we are.

    Okay, I’m over and out. Plugging into some Marvel movies for the evening since NCIS is a rerun. Bummer.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      May was pretty bad. also the time when everyone was arguing about whether or not there were good people on both sides.

    • Unstable Genius Roni Raven

      No, no! It’s a great day! Mueller has subpoenaed Bannon!!

      The House Intel Committee subpoenaed him too, and he’s still testifying after 10 hours.

      Chin up!

      Edit: This is why this is good news for John McCain:

      https://twitter.com/peterjukes/status/953310343715000320

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    I have no idea whether this is actually true… and that’s really disturbing.

    https://twitter.com/RogueSNRadvisor/status/952199543927418880

    • bbayliss

      We know he changed the height.

  • goonemeritus

    A simple 3D scan would give his volume and using the specific gravity of bullshit a reasonably accurate weight could be calculated.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Back of envelope calculation comes to about a metric shit tonne

  • Hemp Dogbane

    My paternal grandfather was Trump-size, 6’2” and peaked out at 280#. He was a blacksmith and later took over the farm. I recently found the earliest portrait photo of him, at about age 40 just before he married grandma. When I’ve shown it, people say “That’s great! Where’s his neck?”

  • bbayliss

    Tweety just said “the asshole shutdown” I think he meant “s”hole

    • Hemp Dogbane

      A reference to the failed pegging adventure last night.

  • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

    “No one had diagnosed him with dementia yet, and I’m not going to be the one to start.”
    -Dr. Ron

    • roberteye

      Then the same genes that keeps him so Jack LaLanne-like (according to Dr. Ronny) is keeping him insane. And 239 pounds?- my ass. Or, more apt, his freaking enormous ass.

  • Toomush Stability

    So, he’s just crazy?….

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      Hasn’t he always been like this?!

  • Bill D. Burger

    If Trump is 239lbs, then that makes The Huckabeast what? About 90lbs?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9e7abbea0544f769d06585c47de56fe6766581ff189a985922193df409f1a939.jpg

  • Shrieking Harpy

    The world has gone fucking crazy; that is all I can say.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    This is one of the stories that makes a difference, not how fat the Fathead in Chief is. Please, all this chatter all across the liberal universe only emboldens the Empire to come back on us when we win the White House again.

    Jorge Garcia came to the United States illegally with his parents when he was 10 years old. He’s now 39.

    He arrived one year before he could qualify under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program. He has a wife and two children who are United States citizens.

    On Monday morning, the Garcia family had a family friend drive them to the airport, where they had been told Garcia would be deported.

    Cindy Garcia said the moment didn’t feel real until the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents stepped up to take him.

    “That’s when the tears just started flowing, because we knew that was going to be it it wasn’t much that we could do,” Cindy Garcia told WXYZ-TV.

    Cindy Garcia said she and her husband have been working since 2005 to help Jorge Garcia become a legal citizen.

    He’s regularly checked in with ICE agents and filed extensions.

    “In total we’ve given immigration over $125,000,” Cindy Garcia said.

    http://kdvr.com/2018/01/16/detroit-father-deported-to-mexico-after-30-years-living-in-u-s/

  • Unstable Genius Roni Raven
    • Rasilom

      If tRimp looks in the mirror and sees this he is more along the road to dimentia than we feared…

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        Generally, dementia patients se things like little people wandering around. Not athletic hunks.

    • NellCote71

      He be cute!

      • Victoria Ricola

        Pictures of hot 6’3 athletes who weigh 239 are our consolation prize.

        • NellCote71

          Tears.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Yuuuum. Wait, what were talking about?

  • Suse

    How soon will Ronny J be announced as Dumpy’s choice for Surgeon General? You can only be in this cabinet if you lie bigly.

  • Rick Hill
  • lucidamente

    Today Ronny Jackson became president.

    • Ms. MLG on Maui

      Don’t underestimate the treachery of his evil twin brother, Ronnie.

    • NellCote71

      You would think that the physician to the president would have received a modicum of media relations coaching. College football players do.

  • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

    A Dispatch from the Future: Donald’s Incredible Brain

    June 2018

    Donald J. Trump was mad that his medical exam didn’t prove once and for all that he was the, like, most stable genius president in the history of ever. He wanted a second opinion of his January 2018 cognitive write-up that would be seen all over the world, so he challenged any of the “disgraceful loser” world leaders in the G7 to beat him at the Montréal Bigly Smart Brain Test.

    Always up for a good, clean fight, the only leader who accepted the challenge — in hopes it would bring good publicity to his beloved childhood home of Montréal, the 2018 host of the G7 — was Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. But only under the condition that whoever lost the challenge would contribute to the winner’s favorite charity. Trump agreed; Trudeau chose Doctors Without Borders/Médecins Sans Frontières, while Trump chose the Donald J. Trump Foundation for the Advancement of Donald J. Trump, a charity that not only doesn’t exist but would violate the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution if it did — because it’s basically just writing a check to Donald J. Trump.

    After consulting with regulators and government watchdogs, all of whom pronounced Trump to be A Asshole, Trudeau, despite finding the watchdogs’ pronouncements impolite (albeit factual), instead asked whether, if Trump won the challenge (highly unlikely, by odds so mathematically impossible it literally required dividing by zero), he could make a dual contribution to the Obama Foundation and Clinton Global Initiative. The regulators said that he could go to Home Depot to purchase an oversized jacuzzi for the William Howard Taft Presidential Library for all they cared, and just wanted to get the stupid publicity stunt over with.

    Formalities out of the way, the stage was set for the competition, to air live from the G7 Summit during Monday Night RAW on USA Network in the United States, and streamed illegally in Canada from right-wing YouTube outlet Rebel Media’s headquarters at an abandoned tool shed in the aptly-named small town of Redditt, Ontario. Neurosurgeon, White House HUD Director, and freelance alt-history Egyptologist, Ben “Sleepy Dopey Doc” Carson, plugged Trump’s incredible brain into the machine that measures brainwave activity, but noted that it wouldn’t turn on.

    Confuzzled, he tried again, but this time plugged Trudeau into the machine instead.

    http://www2.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/xNa6CE8-Mf_x.gif

    Whitefish Energy in Montana estimates that it should take approximately 623 years to get the electricity in Earth’s Northern Hemisphere turned back on.

    Doctors Without Borders, meanwhile, is still awaiting their payout from Trump. They had to settle instead for a matching stipend from the 2019 Liberal budget.

  • Poly_Ester

    I suspect that 239 is calculated value, his BMI is thus 30 (obese), At 6’2″ and 310, he would be morbidly obese, BMI > 40.

  • roberteye

    Waiting for Dr. Ronny to pull his face off and reveal Sean Spicer. WTF?? Who is this laughing hick doctor – even more bullshit than if by order.

  • MANGO CRIMES
    • DrBigHead

      The administration is getting what it wants.

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        I don’t think the ‘administration’ knows much about what it wants. It’s a kind of rag-tag collection of right wingers and a few establishment types. There is no coherence. That’s one reason it will be challenging to take down. If we focus on POTUS, that might work, but otherwise, the Democrats have yet to construct their own coherent narrative.

        • DrBigHead

          They want the bureaucrats gone so they can rape the land without any dissenting voices within the agencies. And at that they have been extremely successful.

          • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

            But who “they” are and exposed is a work in progress at Mother Jones, academic researchers and the media. We have to uncover and name names.

        • Toomush Stability

          Oh, but there are those who do (know what the administration wants). The people giving them money and pointing out what to do…

        • TJ Barke

          They want what the american right always wants. Less government oversight, less responsibility, more profit, more authority.

      • BadKitty904

        The ability to sell our national park lands to their cronies and supporters.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      They saw their futures, and it said “lawn boys at the future Trump Yellowstone Golf Resort”.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Back in the day there was a nine hole golf course in Yosemite Valley on the Ahwahnee Meadow next to the hotel. Trump could change the current policy of allowing the meadow to return to it’s somewhat more natural condition. There is still a golf course adjacent to the Wawona Hotel. Trump Ahwahnee.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Either that or make it the Trump National Fracking and Natural Gas Extraction Center.

  • Nurse_Wretched

    Just sayin’ :
    https://theconversation.com/a-short-history-of-presidents-lying-about-their-health-65393

    Nothing new in them lying about the President’s health. However, it’s *almost* comical how off what the doctor said even sounds. It’s kinda like he’s trying to let you in on the lie.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      This is the same doctor who examined and reported out the health of W Bush and Obama. I for one, trust the doctor.

      • Nurse_Wretched

        If you believe that line of garbage that he gave, then I have no hope for you.

      • Unstable Genius Roni Raven

        You believe Trump weighs 239 pounds? Really?

        • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

          Yes. I think I know doctors and what would happen if he lied. He’s a USN admiral for crissakes. I doubt someone like this would knowingly ruin his rep.

          • Unstable Genius Roni Raven

            OK. I prefer to believe my own eyes.

          • Jenny

            I am going to go look up any videos of this guy. He was sweating serious bullets and was super pale. Like he was about to hyperventilate.

          • vivian

            Hmmm. Does deference to authority outweigh commitment to honesty? Tough call.

          • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

            I would err on the side of trusting an admiral.

          • vivian

            Gen. Flynn made me rethink that one.

    • vivian

      A photo of him and James Comey, who we know is 6’8″ displays a height difference of far more than 5″. I’d put the Don at 5’11”. 239lbs of flub on a 5’11” frame is possible, if not entirely likely.

  • bluicebank

    In other fat news:

    “Hubble weighs in on mass of 3 million billion suns”

    In 2014, astronomers using the NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope found
    that this enormous galaxy cluster contains the mass of a staggering
    three million billion suns — so it’s little wonder that it has earned
    the nickname of “El Gordo” (“the Fat One” in Spanish)! Known officially
    as ACT-CLJ0102-4915, it is the largest, hottest, and brightest X-ray
    galaxy cluster ever discovered in the distant Universe.

    https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/01/180116144249.htm

    I prefer the more succinct phrase three quadrillion. Or 3 x 10(15)

    For some reason modern science eschews number names after trillion.

    Goes like this: thousand, million, billion, trillion, quadrillion, quintillion, sextillion, septillion, and so on to vigintillion after which, too fat.

    https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Names_for_large_numbers

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d16043d3a3bbb1f1fc42aed8b7d8ed8e676e6503100a3af3a5951258f1cb42a0.jpg

    • Toomush Stability

      So, more than 239 lbs.?….

      • bluicebank

        A trumptillion pounds, to be precise. That’s just the fat head, of course.

      • epazote

        239 kilos
        not lbs

    • Shrieking Harpy

      Thank you. It’s good to know that there are other, more important news items than the 239 lb blub.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      For years scientists and news reporters in Britain wouldn’t say “billion” – they would say one thousand million. I never heard why they did that, but they do say “billion” now.

      Saying “one million billion” actually sounds a bit silly to me, like a little child exaggerating how many cookies they want.

      • bluicebank

        Yeah. It is a failure of confidence, I suppose, to avoid using a word simply because it’s not often invoked. Which is surprising for the Brits, because they use obscure words more often than on this side of the pond.

  • Rick Hill
  • Nounverb911
    • Unstable Genius Roni Raven

      Lying liars who lie gonna lie.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • TJ Barke

      Cotton, you’ve never been right about anything…

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      fuck you, pointy headed liar

    • Shrieking Harpy

      Shitheads speak only shit; and, I guess, transparent shitheads speak transparent shit.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The perfect politician for the post-truth world we are rapidly devolving into. Welcome to the future.

    • bbayliss

      Fucking coward, presidential aspirations, my ass.

    • vivian

      We know he’s right, the problem is he’s seldom correct.

  • lucidamente

    On the bright side, it will be even funnier when Trump keels over from a heart attack or stroke. (With votes.)

    • Beanz&Berryz

      With that government-wide DNR order in place. From his good friend Pence.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Gee I hope there isn’t a melodrama like they had with Franco, where they kept him “alive” for a month so people would get used to the idea and make for an easier transition. They weren’t fooling anyone in Spain, everyone knew what was going on.

        • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

          Generalissimo Ronaldo McDonaldo is still braindead.

          But he’s getting biglier every day!

        • Werewolf

          Our top story tonight: Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I missed all that reporting on SNL because I was in Spain, with a front row seat, so to speak, but all my friends kept writing to me about it. But that’s OK because I picked up some pretty hysterical Franco jokes while I was there. Most of them don’t translate well, but some do. For example, billboards for Coca-Cola in Spanish-speaking countries included the phrase “Coca-Cola! La Chispa de la Vida!” (the spark of life!) so there was this joke “What is Franco’s favorite drink? Coca-Cola, because it’s La Chispa de la Vida!”. That was one of the milder ones.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Considering that he watches 8 hours of TV every day and eats a lot of junk food and gets no exercise (golf doesn’t count), that is a reasonable expectation. But they say only the good die young.

  • Unstable Genius Roni Raven
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Bannon never ran Analytica.

      He was involved, yes, but never ran it.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Jared came closer to running it and that still wouldn’t be true

      • bbayliss

        On the board?

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          Yeah, he was on the board via the Mercers.

          • bbayliss

            So he was on the board of directors, which implies some direction being given.

      • Unstable Genius Roni Raven

        Ah, yes, thank you for the correction.

        The point remains, however, that he knows where all the bodies are buried.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          Let’s hope he squeals like a chased porn star.

  • Nounverb911
  • Doug Langley

    Okay. It snowed again last night and I had to spend more time uncovering the car. Matintenance guy was nearby and helped with his snowplow, very nice of him. Finally pulled it out of the snowbank and made it to school. I forgot, first day of semester is a killer for parking. EVERYBODY

    • Doug Langley

      Refresh, everyone. It posted when I was only half done.

  • lucidamente
    • Werewolf

      More likely he was told that his rank and pension were in peril if he didn’t say the “right” thing.

      • Spurning Beer

        At the news briefing, he certainly was sweating like there was an ISIS flag behind him.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Personal honor or professional continuity. Can not have both in this WH

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      As an earth scientist, I can publish research and say that the data indicate climate change is real. As a social scientist, I can do the same but, there is no research or even an examination with Trump. We can all suggest that Trump is unfit but even his tweets, while frightening, do not count as data.

    • Or, he’s in the armed forces and was given a direct order by the Commander in Chief…

    • Wonky “TransgenderFetus” McGoo

      I’m wondering if the Russian mafia’s running interference.

  • Nounverb911
  • Sakonyachen

    I’m 6’1 7/8” tall. So an entire inch and one eighth shorter than the pee-resident. I usually just say 6’2”. I used to be 240 with no muscle. I looked like that. I’ve lost twenty pounds over the last few years and turned the chub into muscle. My guess is he’s one of those guys who can still pose in the mirror and look like less of a slob.

    The doctor saying a guy who has boobs is in good health though? When I was 240, I was “pre-diabetic” and my blood pressure was through the roof. I was at risk of losing my CDL. I guess I just don’t have the awesome DNA that can pay for the results I need.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    So the president doesn’t have dementia. He’s still a stupid, mean asshole.

  • bbayliss

    OK It has happened; I’m about to post a link to redstate, dog have mercy:
    16 Years Ago, William F. Buckley Wrote This About Donald Trump And It’s Eerily Accurate
    https://www.redstate.com/jaycaruso/2016/07/24/16-years-ago-william-f.-buckley-wrote-donald-trump-eerily-accurate/

    • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

      When you’ve lost the crypto-Nazi…

  • Unstable Genius Roni Raven

    Y’all. The good news is Trump won’t be able to say he’s not competent to stand trial.

  • Bill D. Burger

    BTW: The MoCA is only a brief cognitive screening too and not a comprehensive exam. So for a physician to describe it as such is misleading and in this context, suspicious.

    The Fucking Moron displays multiple symptoms of cognitive dysfunction and dementia.

    OH…. almost forgot___PERIOD!

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Ugh. I am a straight ciswoman. And am revolted by this man.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      I’m eleven sifakas in a poorly-fitting skin suit and we hate him.

      • Red Bird

        I’m a bird with “issues” and I hate him.

        • Toomush Stability

          Hell, I’m just an old white guy with moobs, and I hate him….

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Edgar?

    • That just shows that you have eyes, ears, the sense of touch and you aren’t currently, in a vegetative state.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      My cats love him, but that is because whenever he is on TV I start throwing things, and they think it is a game.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Looking forward to the evangelical defense of Trump boning that actress.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Well. Not boning. Gristle-ing.

    • Suse

      It was a special kind of baptism?

      • Suse

        Or exorcism.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Why’s the holy water so yellow?

    • Bill D. Burger

      “He wuz’ jist’ a layin’ on hands in the name of the Lord. Hallelujah….and praise Juh—eeeee—-zus—uh!”

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Praise the Lord and pass my one eyed snake

    • dslindc

      As long as he still hates ‘bortions, zero fucks shall be given.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      something, something, flawed messenger, something, something IOKIYAR

    • Earl Of Sammich

      It puts the money in the basket, or else it gets the sin again.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Who Would Jesus Do?

      • TJ Barke

        I have it on good authority that Jesus loves the little children…

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Republican Jesus: AOT,K

        • 🍁 Møøse Fuddlin’ Girl Guide 🍁

          But not the menz. That’s icky queer Democrat stuffs.

    • TJ Barke

      Easy; IOKIYAR.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      The Lord forgives.

    • Red Bird

      White Jesus permits it.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Do unto others as Josh Duggar did unto them.

    • OrG

      Easy. FAKE NEWS.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Lying slut sub-group.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      What? She’s white. What’s the problem?

    • Sophia

      They will give him a standing ovation if he fesses up.

      Megachurch Pastor Confesses To Sexually Assaulting Teen

      Perverse Christianity: After a megachurch pastor confesses to sexually assaulting a teen, the congregation gives him a standing ovation.

      http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2018/01/megachurch-pastor-confesses-sexually-assaulting-teen/

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Scored!

    • Meccalopolis

      He’s virile like Solomon

    • Something, something, Abraham did it, so it’s OK.

    • Shibusa

      The [2nd] Greatest Story Ever Told

  • Suse
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Wonder if that includes porn-star mistresses Daddy paid to keep quiet?

      • Paperless Tiger

        Maybe they meant boom-boom economy.

        • No, it’s the boob economy. It is subject to false inflation though.

    • Earl Of Sammich

      Oh, barf.

    • TJ Barke

      Yeah, the Nordic countries already show how to do that, and literally no part of your agenda looks like that.

    • Red Bird

      She thinks she is preparing for a Presidential run. Look at how smart she is! Just look!

    • I’m sorry, did you say “accomplishmentS”? I’m pretty sure “fucking over poor people” can only be counted once…

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Must have been a short meeting.

    • vivian

      This whole horrid family thinks the Presidency is a role you play. They are so fuckéd in the head, they have no idea that any reality outside of their cloistered, monefied clamshell even exists.

    • HogeyeGrex

      I might hate her more than Uday and Qusay. Not sure. They’re all pretty awful.

    • Fartknocker

      Since your displaying a slide about Environmental Impact Statement since I review these from time to time. The length of EIS is dependent on the activity and location. Some can be easy and some can take several years. Kind of like taxes Ivanka – oh wait, I’m sorry your just a pandering nincompoop who was born into the family business of money laundering, payments to foreign governments, and horrible fashion.

    • Ellie

      Is that the meeting where Sanders told women to find men to buy them Ivanka’s jewelry, or was that some other farce?

  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • Martini A, very stable genius

      They were busy with email reports.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Can you imagine the shit storm we would have endured had a “liberal” network sat on a story damaging to Clinton a month before the election?

    • Sophia

      CNN is just trying to win the “Fake News” award obviously

  • dslindc

    I, also too, have gained pounds over the past year because of all the alcohol and pie needed to cope with this “President”.

  • BMW

    “6 feet and 3 inches? I didn’t know they stacked shit the high! You’re trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?”
    -Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (probably)

  • President in Exile Firefly

    So that Montreal Cognitive Assessment looks to me like the kid’s placemat at Friendly’s.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      the hard part was keeping Donnie from eating the crayons

  • Wackyland Radio Resistor

    I just realized that today I’m three weeks off nicotine inhalants. Yay me! (I stopped counting days when I hit the two week mark). I’m totally clubbing up, though, so feel free to tell me I’m still cute while you’re congratulating me for being an awesome non-smoker now. :)

    • JaveyDay

      You’re so good looking. And a very stylish genius.

      • Wackyland Radio Resistor

        Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. Thanks, Javey! :)

    • Suse

      Good for you!

      • Wackyland Radio Resistor

        Thanks Suse!

    • Fartknocker

      With all this spare time and new found health, maybe you can make us cakes we like. Congratulations on bre