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Oh hey look, White House doc Ronny Jackson briefed this afternoon on the results of Donald Trump’s physical, and says President Beef Poots is BIGLY in good health and YOOGELY athletic and also that he weighs 239 pounds.

To which we reply, oh Jesus, Ronny Jackson, what threats did he make on you?

This man, who is reportedly 6 feet and 3 inches, according to the physical, is 239 pounds? Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

The only way that man, with that dumpster butt and those haunches, is 239 pounds is if he has literally zero muscle in his body, which, come to think of it, is entirely possible. He does think exercise kills. And somehow we doubt he was ever much for throwing Barron into the air like normal dads do. He did reportedly chase that one porn star around in his tighty-whitey underpanties though, which coulda burned a few calories we guess, but …

Now, as pretty much every one of yr Wonkettes was just discussing in the secret chatcave, we have ALL gained 25 pounds this year, because that is what happens when Donald Trump becomes president and you stop sleeping and you are depressed all the time so you eat pie and alcohol for breakfast. IT HAPPENS, and we are all making a list and checking it twice about when we are getting back into the gym, you betcha. We are literally thinking about it right now, comforted by the fact we have a gym membership we have not used since …

Anyway, Dr. Jackson also reported that he gave Trump a brain test, at Trump’s request. It is the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, and President MENSA got a perfect score of 30 out of 30! Here is a three point question:

Another three point question is “Draw a clock where it is 10 past 11” and a two point question is “What do banana and orange have in common?” We are very comforted to know the president can capably tell time and say “CAMEL!” and that “banana and orange are gross give me one million Big Macs.” But can he point in the sky and say “AIRP’ANE”?

That is what we would like to know.

Anyway point being:

Oh fuck you.

Of course, if Trump is not full of dementia, that means his brain just naturally that broken, which is horrifying. Also it means he can’t plead insanity to Robert Mueller when he goes for his interview, assuming one happens.

So, how much is Dr. Ronny Jackson lying right now? Too much or just the right amount? Discuss it in the comments of this, your open thread!

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