Why does the White House staff let Trump talk to reporters? If you’re going to put Poot Lips up there every afternoon to swear on a can of AquaNet that the President is the posterboy for mental health, then why let him sit down for an extended session of loonytoons word vomit with the Wall Street Journal! We know you’re all just amateurs up there, but COME ON! LORDY! THEY SHOULD JUST LET HIM WATCH TELEVISION IN HIS BATHROBE ALL DAY!
It’s been a year since that fool was sworn in, and we’ve all watched enough disaster porn to know the drill. Time for another round of Top 4,723 Batshit Insane Interview Quotes: The Not Russia Edition. Evan will fill you in on all the Russia fuckery later, so stay tuned!
Donny Bonespurs: Stable Genius
Just — and so — so I was successful, successful, successful. I was always the best athlete, people don’t know that. But I was successful at everything I ever did and then I run for president, first time — first time, not three times, not six times. I ran for president first time and lo and behold, I win. And then people say oh, is he a smart person? I’m smarter than all of them put together, but they can’t admit it. They had a bad year.
Did we not warn you this shit was crazy?
Trump Will Win at North Korea by Cutting Off Trade with … South Korea!
Donald Trump is president of wedgies! And there is trade! Last week Donald Trump took credit for talks between the two Koreas, but today he is threatening to stop buying South Korean exports if North Korea doesn’t give up its nukes. It’s turtles all the way down, people!
WSJ: You think North Korea is trying to drive a wedge between the two countries, between you and President Moon? […]
Trump: I will let you know. But if I were them I would try. But the difference is I’m president; other people aren’t. And I know more about wedges than any human being that’s ever lived, but I’ll let you know. But I’ll tell you, you know, when you talk about driving a wedge, we also have a thing called trade. And South Korea — brilliantly makes — we have a trade deficit with South Korea of $31 billion a year. That’s a pretty strong bargaining chip to me.
We have no intention of factchecking this entire trashfire. But yeah, he pulled that trade deficit number right out of his ass. Surprise!
Speaking of North Korea, Maybe Trump and Little Rocket Man are BFFs???
Or maybe they’re not. Trump doesn’t kiss and tell, because he’s a gentleman. Sure he tweets insults and threatens to rain fire down on North Korea. But everyone loves him, probably.
Trump: I probably have a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un of North Korea. I have relationships with people, I think you people are surprised.
WSJ: Just to be clear, you haven’t spoken to the North Korean leader, I mean when you say a relationship with Korea—
Trump: I don’t want to comment on it — I don’t want to comment, I’m not saying I have or I haven’t. But I just don’t—
WSJ: Some people would see your tweets, which are sometimes combative towards Kim Jong Un…
Trump: Sure, you see that a lot with me and then all of a sudden somebody’s my best friend. I could give you 20 examples. You give me 30. I’m a very flexible person.
What the hell is he talking about? Please, oh please don’t let this involve DM-ing pictures of his junk!
Speaking of Flexible Junk, Steve WHO?
We’ll see what happens, but Steve had nothing to do with my win. Well, certainly very little.
Steve’s greatest asset is he was able to convince a corrupt media that he was responsible for my win. Hope, just out of curiosity, you were there from day one. What do you think Steve in a percentage had to do with my victory?
I mean he was there. Corey [Lewandowski] had more to do with it. […]
David had more to do with it. Many people — I mean, there were many people — it’s a little before Sarah’s time. If you were here, you would have had more to do with it. No, I talked to Steve very little; I didn’t know Steve well, believe it or not. They made it sound like — I mean when that guy wrote the book about Steve.
If Sarah had been there, she would have been more responsible for Trump’s win than Steve. Who managed the campaign. And sat on the National Security Council. And is being questioned by the House Intelligence Committee next week. But, please, talk some more smack about that crazy guy you hardly knew!
WALL WALL WALL WALL WALL WALL WALL. Also, too WALL.
Hey, remember that book where the guy said Donald Trump just repeats the same thing over and over and over again?
The other thing … so the wall. The wall’s never meant to be 2,100 miles long. We have mountains that are far better than a wall, we have violent rivers that nobody goes near, we have areas…
Hmmm. We must have missed this part of his stump speech.
But, you don’t need a wall where you have a natural barrier that’s far greater than any wall you could build, OK? Because somebody said oh, he’s going to make the wall smaller. I’m not going to make it smaller. The wall was always going to be a wall where we needed it. And there are some areas that are far greater than any wall we could build. So, maybe someday somebody could make that clear, Sarah, will you make that clear please?
Yeah, Sarah! Somebody should make it clear that when he wrote that Executive Order referring to “a contiguous, physical wall or other similarly secure, contiguous, and impassable physical barrier” he was talking about the Rio Grande!
If you have a wall this thick and it’s solid concrete from ground to 32 feet high which is a high wall, much higher than people planned. You go 32 feet up and you don’t know who’s over here. You’re here, you’ve got the wall and there’s some other people here.
Is this that bullshit about the heroin catapults? Oh, FFS.
I would never do [DACA] without a wall, the wall is the wall and it’s the same wall that we’re always talking about. It’s — you know, wherever we need, we don’t need it where you have mountains; you don’t need it where you have rivers and — you know, vicious rivers.
The rivers, they are vicious! Also, WALL. (And you’re welcome for cutting out the other five piles of WALL barf.)
Trump Loves the Dreamers, It’s Those DACAs He Can’t Stand
Oh, we only wish we were dreaming!
There’s a lot of—there’s a lot of—there’s a big difference—first of all, there’s a big difference between DACA and Dreamers, OK?
Dreamers are different. And I want American kids to be Dreamers also, by the way. I want American kids to be Dreamers also.
But there’s a big difference between DACA and Dreamers. And a lot of times when I was with certain Democrats they kept using the word dreamer. I said, “Please, use the word DACA.” You know it’s a totally different word.
Holy fucking shit! No, the 800,000 Dreamers are the child arrivals allowed to stay under the Deferred Action for Child Arrivals Law, aka DACA! They’re the ones who came out of the shadows and applied for work permits, only to be told they were getting deported by a racist old loon.
The Dealmaker In Chief Gonna Make a NAFTA Deal
But first, more WALL gibberish.
Trump: Let me, let me tell you something about the wall. So I’ve always said we have to have a wall. I’ve also said Mexico’s got to pay for it — sometimes you know on occasion, I’d add who’s going to pay for it? Mexico. Well they will pay for it, OK? There are many forms of payment. I could name 10 right now. There are many forms of payment, I didn’t say how.
WSJ: Could you give us an example?
Trump: They can pay for it through, as an example, they can pay for it indirectly through NAFTA. OK? You know, we make a good deal on NAFTA, say I’m going to take a small percentage of that money and it’s going to go toward the wall. Guess what? Mexico’s paying. Now Mexico may not want to make the NAFTA deal and which is OK, then I’ll terminate NAFTA … which I think would be frankly a positive for our country. I don’t think it’s a positive for Mexico, I don’t think it’s a positive for the world. But it’s a positive for our country because I’d make a much better deal. There is no deal that I can make on NAFTA that’s as good as if I terminate NAFTA and make a new deal.
Just gonna try to wrap our brains around that one more time: “There is no deal that I can make on NAFTA that’s as good as if I terminate NAFTA and make a new deal.” Nope, still can’t unfuck it. But his replacement for Obamacare sure was pretty good, so we should probably just trust him!
We think what he was trying to say was that American farmers and manufacturers are getting screwed. But if we un-screw them, we can take some of their money and use it to pay for the wall. And that way, Mexico will pay. Unbelievable that this guy managed to go broke running casinos!
Wanna brag some more, Donny? Sure ya do!
They dislike me, the liberal media dislikes me. I mean I watch people — I was always the best at what I did, I was the — I was, you know, I went to the — I went to the Wharton School of Finance, did well. I went out, I — I started in Brooklyn, in a Brooklyn office with my father, I became one of the most successful real-estate developers, one of the most successful business people. I created maybe the greatest brand.
I then go into, in addition to that, part-time, like five percent a week, I open up a television show. As you know, the Apprentice on many evenings was the number one show on all of television, a tremendous success. It went on for 12 years, a tremendous success. They wanted to sign me for another three years and I said, no, I can’t do that.
That’s one of the reasons NBC hates me so much. NBC hates me so much they wanted — they were desperate to sign me for — for three more years.
He’s, like, really smart! Believe me. And now we are, like, really dumb. Have fun with Shitholeghazigate, Wonkers! We’re just gonna sit here playing with a fidget spinner waiting for our braincells to regenerate.
Follow your FDF on Twitter!
Please give us money! We read that entire goddamn interview. TWICE!