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President Twittershits is ON FIRE this morning! During Executive Bathrobe Time, which lasts today until 1:30 p.m., he took an important meeting with security expert Judge Andrew Napolitano.

“GRRRR, UNMASKING BAD,” he shouted, through a mouthful of hamburger. “The Deep State Obama FBI tapped my wires! Mike Flynn is a great American! How dare they listen in on his phone calls with Russian spies? UNFAIR!”

Then he cracked open another Diet Coke and went back to reading documents.

Meanwhile, all hell was breaking loose in Congress. Paul Ryan had been negotiating for days to get a clean renewal of Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, the provision that allows the bulk collection without a warrant of America’s communications with Not America. The “controversial FISA ACT” is not up for a vote today, and 702 has nothing to do with Trump’s buddies Manafort, Gates, Flynn and Papadopoulos getting arrested. But Fox News and the Nunes Treason Squad have spent months shouting about UNMASKING and WIRE TAPPS, so you can understand how the leader of the free world could get confused.

Reasonable minds can differ on the wisdom of 702, but Trump’s own DOJ and FBI have been lobbying heavily to get it reauthorized. Nunes’s fuckery almost killed the bill last month, and it’s been on a three-week extension which expires January 19. Paul Ryan had finally corralled Nunes, but then Freedom Caucus loon (and occasional principled guy) Justin Amash partnered up with Democrat Zoe Lofgren to push the “USA Rights Amendment,” which would impose additional warrant requirements for data collected on US citizens.

Senators Rand Paul (R) and Ron Wyden (D) are sponsoring Amash’s amendment in the Senate, but just last night, the White House released a statement opposing it.

The Administration strongly opposes the “USA Rights” amendment to the FISA Amendments Reauthorization Act, which the House will consider tomorrow. This amendment would re-establish the walls between intelligence and law enforcement that our country knocked down following the attacks of 9/11 in order to increase information sharing and improve our national security. The Administration urges the House to reject this amendment and preserve the useful role FISA’s Section 702 authority plays in protecting American lives.

But they forgot about Executive Bathrobe Time! Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff both called for the vote to be pulled — not gonna let an opportunity to pants that little shit Ryan slip by! And the Tea Party loons banged their pots.

But it wasn’t meant to be. SAD. (Also, we note they left out all the Democratic sponsors of the amendment. Must have been an oversight.)

After some lucky staffer was dispatched to wrestle the remote away from the old man, and splain to him real slow why he was going to need to walk it back, Trump sent out another tweet.

Well, these are all words. They’re bullshit words, unrelated to any vote taking place today. But they seem to have done the job, since the clean reauthorization (without the Amash amendment) passed 233-183. Or maybe they had nothing to do with anything, and the people actually running the government, the suckers who have to put pants on before noon, are just ignoring the old man.

Guess it’s time to schedule another golf date with old Rand. Let him ride down to Mar-a-Lago on Airforce One. That’ll probably do the trick.

After John Boehner quit laughing, he lit another cigarette and headed out to the links.

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[Daily Beast / WaPo / WhiteHouse.gov / NYTimes]

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  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
    • gnomemansanisland

      KAOS is in control

      • Oblios_Cap

        Better than SPECTRE!

        *shudder*

      • WIDTAP

        “Sorry about that, Chief”

        • OrG Unstable Genius

          Missed it by that much.

      • GoutMachine

        Would you believe …

    • bbayliss

      I just read he got a call from Paul Ryan between tweets.

    • calliecallie

      Missed it by that much.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Fuck the wall. I demand a Cone of Silence!
      https://www.wouldyoubelieve.com/graphics/cone_title.gif

      • gnomemansanisland

        Get me my Roy Cohn of silence!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          He’s dead silent right now.

      • mailman27

        And then they’d both be all “what? what?” Always stoopid, always funny.

  • Oblios_Cap
  • Martini A, very stable genius

    Egad, he’s such an intellectually lazy fuck. You know who WOULD have understood the details of the bills and policies being debated by Congress and who would have made a stable and drama-free president? Yeah, I think you do.

    • OrG Unstable Genius

      Literally ANYONE ELSE?

      • WIDTAP

        Anyone else would take their briefing from the subject matter experts on staff, and not the news channels.

      • Last Hussar

        Confused. Usually the answer is Hitler

    • Oblios_Cap

      Any Wonketeer?

    • GoutMachine

      Anyone who can read?

  • janecita

    I’m so glad that General Kelly brought stability and gravitas to the White House! Thank God for that man!

    • NellCote71

      Ivanka, you had just one job.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      When your opponent is eating a shit sandwich, don’t stop him.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Support the fourth amendment! Quartering of soldiers must end! Our troops deserve better than living in the sloppy, shoddily constructed hovels civilians live in!”
    — Donald Trump

    • GoutMachine

      “My adviser, Frederick Douglass, said this was a good position to take.”

    • bbayliss

      I love the fourth amendment and like to point out to 2nd amendmenters that they are contemporaneous.

  • Bill D. Burger

    This is 100% proof that THE FUCKING MORON gets all of his “beliefs” from watching FUX News all day.
    He tweeted the first one after Fox railed against the FISA Act and then had to be told that his administration supports it.

    Goddamned Orange Dotard.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    I’m just going to file this under Better, That Could Have Gone.

  • Asterix

    And every Intelligence agency across the globe is thinking !) thank god I don’t work for the US and 2) sending condolence flowers to all 17 of our agencies.

  • lowenufc

    Shouldn’t we just pirate the Faux News feed and get the Dotard to do what we want? We can even put the logo on the screen so he recognizes the pretty colors.

    • Asterix

      I keep thinking that. I have a running story in my head that someone takes over Fux&Fwends and tells Trumpy that the dems are preventing his (Trumpys) healthcare plan, his free tuition plan, giving amnesty to all DACA recipients…

      it’s a dream that helps me sleep at night.

      • SweetDeeKat

        It shouldn’t be that hard to hijack his cable and substitute a new improved Fox feed. I’ve seen it in cartoons, after all.

        • PubOption

          If it could be done for the Gorilla Channel…

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Can Max Headroom read the news?

      • WIDTAP

        “Alright Doors. Swing!”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6epzmRZk6UU

        • Lord Jim

          *hrm hrm*…uh…ROYALTY payments, please?

          :P

          • WIDTAP

            Matt Frewer is too cool for royalty payments. He does it for the ART!
            Besides, Edison Carter takes all of the residuals.

  • Indiepalin

    Having said that, at the end of the day, it is what it is,

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Why doesn’t the President know what bills he supports? Somebody should “you’re fired” that loser. #MAGA

    — Donald Trump

    • Asterix

      John Kelly does a great job keeping him in the loop.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        I’d be happier if he could keep him in the playpen.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      “I think my positions are going to be what the people in this room come up with,” Trump said.

  • GoutMachine

    Oh, come on, $5F. We all know this is just eleventy-billionth dimensional chess! He is a stable genius! And has the best words. Bigly!

  • JaveyDay
  • bbayliss

    Asha Rangappa‏Verified account
    @AshaRangappa_
    Follow Follow @AshaRangappa_
    More
    ARTICLE THREAD. Confused about what is going on with FISA after this morning’s crazy grandpa tweets? These three pieces can help you sort it out:
    https://twitter.com/AshaRangappa_/status/951473728155717633

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Yes but where does he stand on Catheter Cowboy?

    • (((Sedagive)))

      We need Catheter Cowboy now more than ever.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Napolitano is one of the most reliably stupid “smart guys” around. So, no surprise he’s deeply conservative.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Another very stable genius. His latest cartoon is just dumb about the Googles.

    This is what happens when left-wing authoritarians run the most powerful companies in the world- censorship of conservative voices.

    Which also be used to describe Wonkette.

    https://grrrgraphics.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/donald-trump-inauguration-maga.jpeg

    • Stulexington

      Needs Nazi eagle.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      When is Ben “One man Klan” Garrison going to start his own googles then?

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        Well his signature on the comment was “The Grrr Team”. I’m thinking it is a team of one.

        • Stulexington

          Yeah, listening to the voices in your head doesn’t make you a team Ben, it just makes you crazy.

          • Oblios_Cap

            I see why he can’t get anybody to pay for his cartoons.

          • Last Hussar

            I liked them in Murphys Rules

    • GoutMachine

      Can Dead Nazi Walt Disney sue Ben Garrison for ripping off his signature style?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      That is NOT what his face looks like, and Ben Garrison is NOT the 45th President.

      • Arolpin

        And Drumpf isn’t even the 45th Best President we’ve ever had.

        • WotsAllThisThen

          Correct, that would be Emperor Norton.

          • Mentally Stable Ron

            Personally I’d put Emperor Norton ’round about #10.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Who is the guy that is in that picture? It damn sure isn’t Trump.

    • Nockular cavity

      Why is there an owl on there?

      • C4TWOMAN

        He doesn’t eagle well….

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Can’t be to symbolise wisdom.

      • PubOption

        I thought that it was wearing a sailor’s hat, but that might be Trump’s tie.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Garrison is as demented as Donald.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      I was wondering how Gentile Ben was going to address the last news cycle. I see he’s doing it by pretending it didn’t happen.
      Way to live down to everyone’s expectations, you talentless hack. Oh, and Adobe says pay up for that pirated copy of Photoshop.

  • BMW
  • Bill D. Burger
  • BMW

    I am honestly surprised Fox News hasn’t capitalized more on the fact they basically control the POTUS than they already have. *shivers*

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      Don’t assume ol’ Rupert ISN’T capitalizing on it. He hasn’t played courtier to the fossil fuel billionaires on three continents for more than half a century just to bow out of the game now that old Uncle Death is tapping him on the shoulder.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        “Old Uncle Death?”

        If that is what we are calling Jerry Hall these days, I’d prefer to stay living, thank you very much.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          I hope she kept that mask from Batman. She can make him wear it while he’s fucking her.

  • Baconzgood

    I think Stephen colbert put it best about how trump thinks “I agree with the last person who said that…now that someone else talked last I agree with them…now I talked last and I agree with me. Now I need a cheese burger”

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Trump said that on Tuesday during his award winning immigration meeting.

      “I think my positions are going to be what the people in this room come up with,” Trump said.

      • bbayliss

        I thought that was a joke when I first saw it.

  • Trump’s on a “need to know” basis with regard to policy and the workings of a representative democracy.

    Just ask Kevin McCarthy.

    • bbayliss

      When Kevin McCarthy is the smart one you’re in deep shit.

  • Crystalclear12

    The Shit Hurricane of presidencies.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Shit Bomb Cyclone.

    • Raan

      Is that going to be a SyFy original?

  • armed_bears
  • Bill D. Burger

    “Stable Genius” or “Two Horses and a Fucking Ass”

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTNKLjwWAAEOS8c.jpg

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      And he’s STILL the dumbest creature in the picture.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • GoutMachine

      OMG I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: Republicans Have Dramatically Ramped Up Their Attacks on Russia Probes in 2018
    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-robert-mueller-investigations-gop_us_5a56dfb4e4b0a300f905c57b?ncid=inblnkushpmg00000009

    President Donald Trump insisted Wednesday that it is time for Republicans to “finally take control” of the investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election and bring an end to a scandal that’s been looming over his presidency since he took office nearly a year ago.

    Republicans were already doing their best to comply. The president’s allies spent the first 10 days of 2018 redoubling their efforts to undermine special counsel Robert Mueller’s probe and its congressional cousins, and protect Trump from any political or legal fallout.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      I’d be more worried if they weren’t also dramatically ramping up their stampede to the exits.

    • TJ Barke

      Definitely innocent, yessiree.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Because we all know that innocent people do everything they can to look as guilty as possible, right? That’s just science.

    • mailman27

      Wow, you’d think our legislators would be slightly interested in whether or not a foreign adversary interfered with our elections.

      • BadKitty904

        Unless they somehow benefited from said foreign interference.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          And unless they somehow were blackmailed into doing it.

          • BadKitty904

            Or somehow both.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            We’re thinking along the same lines.

            Betcha Mueller knows a couple, three things about this.

          • BadKitty904

            I’m getting the very strong impression that, indeed, he does.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            You saying Putin duct taped them naked to his exercise machine and took pictures of them?

  • (((Sedagive)))

    Trump is going to have a seizure and tweet: “glurbmlort. botttgpiele,, beeforeee. Covfefe.” The GOP is then going to debate the wisdom of his words, and Huckabee is going to declare that Trump has invented a new, purely American language and we’d all better get used to it.

    • NellCote71

      And Paul Ryan will declare it just another example of exquisite leadership.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        ‘It was at this moment, when Mr Trump began displaying the symptoms of aphasia, that he became truly presidential.’

        • lroom

          “And then the murders began.”

        • Mehmeisterjr

          The Aphasia Pivot!

          We haven’t had one since Woodrow Wilson.

    • Stulexington

      I’m honestly worried that if he died in office the WH staff would basically pretend he’s just being reclusive and try to run the country without him. Much as I’d like to believe it would be better, I’m pretty sure it would be worse because more would get done.

  • Crystalclear12

    This puppet show sucks!

    • calliecallie

      No puppet! No puppet! You’re the puppet!

  • canes_pugnaces

    Trump spends the majority of his time proving he squanders his day eating fries in his pajamas while watching Fox, and has no idea what’s happening downstairs.

    Job well done.

  • SayItWithWookies

    How do we get the current blonde chick on the Curvy Couch to say “Our greatest most accomplished president ever should draft a nice resignation letter because he’s already done everything he set out to do – he deserves some golf time now.”

    • bbayliss

      Tell them it’s george soros idea?

      • Bigly smart jesterpunk

        “George Soros would never resign”

        • Nockular cavity

          “Loser Obama never did. You don’t want to be like him, do you?”

    • President in Exile Firefly

      “The America hating liberals want the President to stay in the job so they can continue mocking him.”

  • JaveyDay
  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    OT: Gotta go soon – but if you’re bored today – you know what’s a surprisingly fascinating read? The wikipedia entry for “soup”. (Don’t ask how I ended up there)

    • MynameisBlarney

      So…how’d ya end up there?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        I SAID DON’T ASK!

        • Last Hussar

          [Pushes stetson up]
          We asked, boy, now whatcha gonna do about it

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            DRAW!

            okay, seriously, I have to get going.

          • Last Hussar

            I’m not much of an artist. Can I write instead?

          • Bob

            I’m totally bowled over by these puns

          • Beautiful Soup

            Are you late for an Italian wedding?

          • Lord Jim

            Gotta consult with your ministrone on a spiritual matter?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Specifically about the Trinity? Three beans in one?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            When I have a soup-related spiritual crisis, I turn to The Church of Jesus Christ of the Ladle-Day Saints.

        • RickyG

          Bet you’re sorry you broth it up!

          • bbayliss

            The question continues to simmer

          • pstokk

            The whole question is causing quite a stir.

          • Rick Hill

            It is a little dicey

          • Mehmeisterjr

            And I don’t take chances. I’m not a compulsive cambeller.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Just in the Tabatchnick of time!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            These puns have me bouillon over.

          • Rick Hill

            Really? Cause I find it tedious, never been so borscht in my life.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            It’s a mess of pottage.

          • Rick Hill

            I had a reply on the back burner but it’s still not quite ready

          • JaveyDay
          • Rick Hill

            You’re both a pair of chowdah heads

          • RickyG

            I am a consomme professional, I’ll have you know!!!

          • Rick Hill

            I hear your resume is a little watered down…

          • RickyG

            Au jus wiz, fellas! :(

          • Rick Hill

            If you can’t stand the heat….

          • RickyG

            Well, I’m not gonna stew over it.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Vichyssoise your old man!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            So you know your French onions?

          • RickyG

            Shallot I elaborate?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Yes! But I’m a little hard of hearing so I have to Cup-a my ears.

          • RickyG

            Very bowled of you to admit that!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Get that through your chicken noodles!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            We should stop with the puns or we’ll never make any progresso.

          • RickyG

            Yes, I believe we may be heading into the deep abisque!

        • Doug Langley

          You’re just gonna let us stew, aren’t you?

          • WIDTAP

            Naw! He’s just Chillin’

          • Doug Langley

            But he’ll never leek the reason.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I know these punning contests are ridiculous and I shouldn’t participate but miso silly.

          • Rick Hill

            C’mon, you know you’re slurping these up

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Yeah? Ya wanna alphabet?

          • Rick Hill

            That’s some weak sauce…

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Better take stock before you get into a beef with me.

          • Rick Hill

            Mow I know you been smokin’ the marinara…

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Weed better drop this quarrel.

            Although I do remember that when they cleaned up his suite after Mr. Limbaugh’s DomRep vacation, they referred to it as “The Cream of Rush Room.”

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I’m just waiting to see the pea hooker tapes.

    • bbayliss

      How’d you end up there?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        smart asses.

        ; p

        • bbayliss

          I’m sincerely curious, ya know, did you spell poup rong?

          • Last Hussar

            Maybe he didn’t fancy the articles about prawn cocktail or pate before reading about steak?

          • bbayliss

            Now I can’t stop imagining various mechanisms.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I was wondering what that slurping sound that I heard all over the intenet was…

      • RickyG

        Now wait just a minestrone!

    • Arolpin

      OK. Then I DEMAND you tell us how you ended up there. (Notice I didn’t ask.)

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Let me guess….
      It was a redirect from ‘Nazi’?

    • JaveyDay

      Canned clam chowder?

      • MynameisBlarney

        MONSTERS?

        • Opalescent Riddles

          Depends: Manhattan or New England.

    • Doug Langley

      Heaven only knows what case you’re researching for your paralegal firm.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        State v. Campbells

    • Oblios_Cap

      you sure it was soup and not stew?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        yes (and telling the difference is what wikipedia is for)

        ; p

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      It’s a sign of intellectual curiosity- one thing leads to another on the inter webs. Eventually all paths lead to either porn or cat videos.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Or cat porn.

        • SweetDeeKat

          SHUT YO MOUTH!

      • Lord Jim

        Or TV Tropes. :D

        • insolenttomato

          I have lost so many hours days there.

      • Teecha

        I end up with videos of people squeezing spots.

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          If I saw those, im afraid I’d never stop looking. They’d find my corpse weeks later, partially consumed by my Elderly Senile Cat…..

          • Teecha

            I rarely leave the flat. Those and the pedicure videos have destroyed my life. Thank fuck for Jenna Marbles.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Where were they on the ‘spoon vs fork’ controversy?

      • Rick Hill

        That’s been settled, it’s the spork or fpoon debate, now

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        actually, there was a discussion of the invention of the spoon.

        Apparently, it really helped soup take off in popularity.

        (none of that is a joke!)

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I can see how it would a technological advantage over the fork and especially the knife when it comes to eating soup.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            and yet wikipedia says it didn’t come about till the 15th century – I hope that’s BCE, cause ACE is waaaayyyy too late IMHO.

    • freakishlypersistent

      It’s spelled “pee” tape..

    • Jamoche

      “Is cereal soup?” is the new “Is a hotdog a sandwich?”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Disambiguation:

      Soup, food
      Soup, We’re in the
      Soup, y Sales

  • Rick Hill

    He must be smert, acuse my brain hurts just trying to unerstand it all.
    https://images.dailykos.com/images/493679/story_image/MODOK.png?1515557885

    • Lord Jim

      Modok!

      • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

        Moderp.

        • Lord Jim

          Even better.

  • lucidamente

    He was against the bill before he was for it he learned what was in it.

    • Rick Hill

      Not a flip flop! No flip flop. You’re the shoddy, bad for your posture footwear!

      • NellCote71

        Hillary wears flip flops.

        • Rick Hill

          With her pants suit!!??!1

          • NellCote71

            While knitting.

  • Bigly smart jesterpunk

    But Trump said he doesn’t watch the teevee machines because he is too busy reading documents all day?

    • Bill D. Burger

      “I’ll probably never leave the White House. I won’t have time to play golf like Obama. That guy was on the golf course all the time. Lazy. I won’t have time.”
      ___ The Fucking Moron

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      With his well-documented reading skillz it probably does take him all day. And then the next day to read page 2.

    • Doug Langley

      Place yer betz it’s TV Guide.

  • BigCSouthside

    Id bet my bonus that if you hijacked the president’s tv feed with a pretty blonde advocating liberal policies with a Fox News logo under her, he’d be pushing for single payer inside a week

    • NellCote71

      Worth a try.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      The Fire and Insanity book said that at one point he threw his tiny hands up in the air and asked why everybody couldn’t just have Medicare.

    • cmd resistor

      Would this be your Tax Cut bonus?

      • BigCSouthside

        Lol no. My firm doesn’t do PR stunts using performance bonuses it’s given out for decades because a fat sack of shit in a suit passed a fucked up tax bill. We don’t need to kiss his ass

    • Covfefe

      Your bonus? You’d bet your bonus? You’re willing to lay a lot on this wager, right SouthC?

      • BigCSouthside

        I’d pay up to get single payer

    • MynameisBlarney

      Someone, ANYONE GET ON THIS, STAT!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    So he’s going to veto it, right?

  • Bananas Foster

    I read the headline as “Touching His Own FISA Bill” and didn’t blink because that seems like a perfectly acceptable headline in the Trump era.

  • msanthropesmr
    • OrG Unstable Genius

      Well,fuck.

    • Bob

      The last of the original trio :(

  • Chyron HR

    In United States, propaganda brainwashes President.

  • Mentally Stable Ron

    More confusion. Are the GOP in favour of the right to privacy or not?

    • If you’re a corporate person and being bothered by pesky whistleblowers, then yes. Otherwise, no.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Pretty much it.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Not true at all.
        They also favor it for GOP politicians cheating on their spouses and pressuring their lovers to get abortions.

        • Stulexington

          And all the taxpayer money they had to pay out for sexually harassing their staff also too.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yup.
            And when they use govt. email addresses for private shit.

    • OrG Unstable Genius

      For who?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • MynameisBlarney
    • Lord Jim

      Doubtless, some little fundiegelical screech monkey in the Trump orbit saw “Evidence-Based” and went apeshit.

      • MynameisBlarney

        They really are scared to fucking death of facts.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Villago Delenda Est

    I wonder if ZEGS and Yertle have a hot line to Kelly to make sure the babysitter is properly babysitting.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Pretty sure Yertle lives in an overturned box in a corner of the Oval Office, so yeah, no.

      • Hemp Dogbane

        There is no box unturned in the whole WH.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    He needs to watch less Fox News and more Gorilla Channel.

    • Bill D. Burger
      • MynameisBlarney

        That shit right there is fucking nightmare fodder.

        • Tokays_don’t_blink

          I’ll be thinking about this in the dark hours, as I lie awake and listen to the faucets drip. Just as my eyes close this image will arise like a spectre and chase all thoughts of sleep away. And I will lament, “Why? Why did I look?”

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Sassy little dancer libelz!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      They should just paint a retro TV cabinet around a mirror, put it on his desk, and TELL him it’s the Gorilla Channel.

    • Raan

      I’m just glad this wasn’t a fever dream I thought was real.

      https://i.ytimg.com/vi/BHTBELFswqc/hqdefault.jpg

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “Ladies and Germs, I have found the replacement for Robert Mueller and his failed investigation….”
        http://img.sharetv.com/shows/standard/lancelot_link_secret_chimp.jpg

        • Mentally Stable Ron

          Never missed an episode.
          Gods, I’m old.

          • Meccalopolis

            greatest show ever

        • Bob

          Oldster here too.. Loved that show

      • Doug Langley

        When I was young, there was a Disney movie where the TV guy (Kurt Russell) discovered that the TV shows liked by his girlfriend’s chimp were the the highest rated shows. All he had to do was green light the pitches dumb enough to appeal to a chimp and he had the highest rated network in history.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I remember that movie! Weren’t we innocent back then, thinking it was funny, when what it turned out to be was directions for How to Make America Stupider?

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    nm.

  • Baconzgood

    This is what America needs. A president that blows with the wind. I wish I could spend 15 minutes with HIM.

    BACONZ (entering the room and shaking his hand): jesus. I know your hands were big. But they are soooo big. I bet they are the biggest hands I’ve ever seen, and I met Terry Bradshaw.
    Speaking of foot ball you would have been a great football player if you tried. But you decided to take the hard way and be smart and make billions of dollars on your own instead of relying on a team. Gee, your hair too. How does a man like you not get grey?

    I wish I was such a smart and powerfully leader as you that AOL the women thought was a cool, successful stud. Oh by the way, since you’re so smart and cultured you obviously know who I am, so I’d like you to approve this 3.6 million dollar grant from the National Endowment of The Arts for me. I know that for a guy like you 3.6 mil is chump change, but I’ll wear it as pride if YOU do. I’d never ask Obama for a grant or crooked Hillary. Because they aren’t great like you.

    Just sign this. Ill be on Fox & Friends tomorrow and I can’t wait to tell them how blown away I way about the masculinity that you exude. The cameras could never come close to catching how smart and successful you are. I’ll get out of your way now because you are the most important and respected person in the world…maybe even ever (baconz slides his NEA grant towards him)

    I think it will work.

    • Raan

      Replace Terry Bradshaw with Johnny Bench.

      • Baconzgood

        I never met him.

    • bbayliss

      Shorter; This is what America needs. A president that blows

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Yinz forgot to ask him to outlaw the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Robert Kraft, ‘n at.

    • Me not sure

      Pare it down and use words of fewer syllables. His mind would wander off by the end of the first paragraph.

      • Baconzgood

        “You make great smarts. Dick big l think you have. You daughter me fuck too also. Want get KFC? You success smart man”

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      we appreciate your toadying (aka sacrifice).

  • TundraGrifter

    I just read that Mr. Trump touted the sale of “F-52” fighter jets to Norway. Apparently these only exist in “Call of Duty.”

  • Me not sure

    The first Trump tweet ends in a question mark when no question is apparent.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      (takes a deep drag on cigarette) That is life, non?

      • Phoenixdoglover

        Mais oui. Sacre bleu! C’est dommage. Er fromage?

        • Lord Jim

          Frottage? XD

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          Je ne sais quoi. Croissant.

          • Meccalopolis

            that’s got a certain, I don’t know, what?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Not to be picky but the correct spelling is Sacofevé bleu.

      • Me not sure

        Oui, mon cher.

      • Meccalopolis

        Where is your bitch god now

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Sad?

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    It’s 1:15. Has Executive Gruntpoop Time about wound up, or what?

  • Bill D. Burger

    Aaaaaand’____Later the WH Hildebeast will splain’ it all

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTRp878UMAAmAME.jpg

    • MynameisBlarney

      MOAR NIGHTMARE FODDER!

    • MynameisBlarney

      Also, too.
      Is that really just Mike Huckabee with makeup?

      • Bill D. Burger

        You NEVER see them in the same room! Just sayin’.
        I read it on the innerwebs….it’s true.

      • Bob

        … something about lipstick on a pig

    • cmd resistor

      Set for 2:15.

  • Jenny

    No worries, Mister Part-Time President. Someone in the deep state is making sure we are all safe. Don’t want another 9/11, ya know.

    There’s gotta be a dude named Jesus somewhere in the deep state, right guys??

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e4aef8c72001244804481ec5783db34246148a0e581763235258a6642647e2ec.jpg

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Oh man I just literally LOL’d at this, and the big boss is in the office today. Whoops!

    • Meccalopolis

      jesus wept

    • Bob

      Hahaa Awesome!

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Speed the day.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      “The thing about a shark is, he got lifeless eyes . . . .”

  • Bill D. Burger

    Year # 1 of the Trumpocalypse’ in one pic.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTRfAYJVoAAlmww.jpg

    • Nockular cavity

      This is fine.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    @justinamash, @Jim_Jordan, @RepAndyBiggsAZ, @RepThomasMassie, and others are trying to reform #FISA702 to protect Americans’ Fourth Amendment rights.

    Oh, shit. Can they please give me a heads-up on how many troops we’ll be quartering tonight so I can stock up on groceries?

    Or maybe I should order pizza.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      Get plain pepperoni, because you don’t want the Airbornes and Rangers fighting over toppings.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Find out what party they support before you decide between local and Papa John’s.

    • goCatgo

      Tell them they will have to eat their veggies and tofu burgers or no COD.

    • John Frazer

      You’re against the fourth amendment and think it’s as impractical and outdated as the third? Is that what I’m reading here? You believe that requiring specific warrants issued only with probable cause is an obsolete practice and that modern, forward-thinking Americans should not object to be searched and spied upon whenever the government sees fit?

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Bub, the like, cynical zombie

      Tasteful outfit. Is it from Ivanka’s clothing line?

      • Bill D. Burger

        She’s concentrating on orange hues these days.

        https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLy9EyJXUAAk4SX.jpg

        • Mentally Stable Ron

          They’re definitely autumns.

        • OrdinaryJoe

          I’m ok with it if the trade off for the Bundy’s going free is the Trump’s go to jail.

        • I didn’t know they were making another season of Arrested Development.

  • “Foreign surveillance of Foreign Bad Guys, on Foreign land… Gyna, Gyna, Yuuuuuge the best words…”

    • Meccalopolis

      badly surveillance

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    I… I am actually not sure who I agree with at this point.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • theblackdog

      If only the 53% of white women who voted for Trump would do the same.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • FamilyThalamus,Stable Genius

      What strikes me funniest about this is: I don’t think he is even smart enough to know that what he does is actually money laundering and that it is illegal. No joke.

  • Bill D. Burger

    2018….. The Blue Wave is coming:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTRxb-HX0AAtCsR.jpg

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Oh if only that were true – they’d’ve all been gone ages ago.

    • Meccalopolis

      It’s a Festivus miracle!

  • Bill D. Burger

    DiFi: “Fuck Trump and Granny Grassley”:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTR2DYwXUAA5bqR.jpg

    • Courser_Resistance

      That’s fabulous. She should use that in her re-election campaign.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
  • Mavenmaven

    They would wrest away Trump’s phone during twitter time, but would you enter the bathroom he was taking a dump in?

  • Relativicus

    Stabel Jenius is having a tough day being stable, and a genius:

    From Verge- “Good news! The first F-52 fighter aircrafts have made it safely to Norway, President Trump announced today. Bad news! F-52s aren’t… real. They’re advanced fighter aircrafts that exist only in the game Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare…”

    • Bill D. Burger
      • Meccalopolis

        I’m getting one

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I’m sorry, is it wrong of me to LOL at the “president” getting dunked on by pretty much everybody nowadays? If it is, I don’t wanna be right.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Later Trump announced that Stark Industries has come out with a more advanced model….

      https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DTPNScUXUAEXhiW.jpg

    • gnomemansanisland

      Spacely Sprockets is working on it.

      • Bob

        Jetson!
        Youuuuuurrre FIRED!

    • Courser_Resistance

      I saw that yesterday, perhaps in the Normay press.

    • Bub, the like, cynical zombie

      “FAKE NEWS! The F-52 Covfefe is TOTALLY real!!”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Why are we sending them to Norway when they are most needed in Normay?

    • BMW

      Wait whut

  • John Shippley

    So, how’s the princess doing today?

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I like to think she’s curled into a fetal position on a fainting couch somewhere surrounded by smashed tissues and photos that have Justin Trudeau’s head glued on top of Jared’s.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Proving again the stable genius is a jackass.

  • cmd resistor

    Ok, so I promise I will donate if you don’t show that horrid bathrobe pic for a week.

    • Meccalopolis

      buy this magazine or we’ll shoot this puppy

    • javadavis

      That is the main reason I use Chrome – it has the MAKA extension (Make America Kittens Again) Instead of the bathrobe pic I got, this time, some guy walking around with his kitten asleep on his shoulder. And you can Right-click and choose to turn it off until the next page load if, for example, you want to read the Trump tweet for yourself. If a pic doesn’t have a Trump tag you still get it, but it is a vast improvement and it has helped my attitude a lot.

      • cmd resistor

        I do have it on my home computer.

  • Ron Spangler

    Laws are like diarrhea. Better not to see Trump trying to make them.

    • Ron Spangler

      Von Bismarck said that. Just now.

  • Lefty Wright

    Since Trump generally doesn’t know why he walked into the Oval Office after his executive time, conflicting tweets are not unexpected. I can read his thoughts right now “Where is all my gilded Louis XIV furniture? Why is this room not in the penthouse?” .

  • Enter Ranting

    Drumpf is just so obviously, desperately, pitifully over his head on every aspect of the Presidency. Who knew it would be so hard. He has absolutely zero idea about governing, policy, trade, diplomacy, the Constitution…ANYTHING! He doesn’t even know the words to the National Anthem he professes to love so much! Sad!

  • Beelzebubba

    His “policy” is whatever he was told by the last person who talked to him. No wonder the White House is such a shitshow. Rasputin wannabees prowling the corridor outside the Oval Office, competing to get in last, must be an interesting spectacle.

    • LucindathePook

      After you, Gaston
      No, no, after you, Alphonse

    • Ellie

      His “policy” is whatever he last saw on Fox.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      It’s like they’re playing some weird, incredibly stupid version of musical chairs. But the guys on Fox News have the advantage, as they have what passes for Trump’s attention most of the day.

  • JustDon’tSayLikeSmart
  • rubikcube

    Was the creepy bathrobe shot above Javier Bardem’s inspiration for his character in No Country for Old Men? Yikes, was this before or AFTER Ivanka stopped by for some “burger time”? They coy look on his face and tell-tale ketchup stains suggest: after…

  • Apple Scruff

    Wow, Poot Lips at the press briefing on this, with Hallie Jackson … when she cannot answer a question she’ll just call the reporter ignorant and stupid. Every. time.

    • FamilyThalamus,Stable Genius

      She is a horrible, horrible hag.

  • Zyxomma

    I’m really wondering if I’m going to run out of outrage, or if I’m tapping into a universal never-ending source for it.

    ETA: Now Dictator Tot is complaining about allowing in immigrants from “shithole countries.” https://www.nytimes.com%2F2018%2F01%2F11%2Fus%2Fpolitics%2Ftrump-immigration-norway-haiti.html&usg=AOvVaw2N8KPlDiaNk9zy-G0Do7GF

  • “…about foreign surveillance of foreign bad guys on foreign land. We need it! Get smart!”

    So, does that mean Trump is an agent of KAOS?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcvrX-w1S6g

  • joe

    … As unstable as anything Moreau created.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    After John Boehner quit laughing, he lit another cigarette and headed out to the links.

    People were pushing for Boehner to be the original WH Chief of Staff. You think he’d tell them “No!” or “Fuck no!” if they’d asked him?

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