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Twilight Sparkle is pleased by this development!

After a nice weekend off for New Year’s Eve, Yr Dear ShitFerBrains is back with some shiny new derp for 2018. Don’t worry about any shocking, difficult-to-adapt-to innovations in stupid, however: our deleted commenters have clearly made a resolution to sound exactly like rightwing loons have sounded for years. There’s a certain comfort in the familiar.

Take for instance “Capt Turk,” who despite his clever username doesn’t appear to be a Turkish Trekkie. He dropped by our story about how some Trump voters are very sad that ladies on dating sites are so unwelcoming to guys with MAGA hats to let us know that he, like many Americans, has had it with both parties, so he understands why many folks voted for Trump:

With many Trump voters (not necessarily supporters) they voted for him because the alternatives were far worse. Personally, I’d rather see Satan himself as pres. than Hitlery or Bernie. There is a very important and needed check box missing from the ballots. We need a “None of the above, try again” box.

After that sound, well reasoned excoriation of both political parties that are Democrats, some mean intolerant leftist here called “Capt Turk” a RWNJ, and he’s so new to comment sections he had to go look it up. No, silly, he is no rightwing nutjob! He is a libertarian nutjob, and an expat to boot, because America is so very awful these days:

Took a minute of googling to find out what RWNJ even stands for, lol! No, I don’t go along with either wing. I’m a libertarian, and really have no use for either party. Both are corrupt as hell, and neither one cares one whit about the American people. They only care about control, and lining their own pockets. I feel America has gone to the dogs so much that I moved to another country.

I’ve been following Hitlery for many years. She has shown herself to be the ultimate sleaze bag, and crook, from the time I first heard of her. As for Bernie, from listening to his rants, I’ve come to the conclusion that he has a bad case of dementia. As I previously stated, there is a missing check box from the ballot.

Apparently, you, and people like you (irrationally intolerant of others opinions) are one of the main reasons I left the US. Been drinking a lot of the cool-aid have you?

He never said what bastion of non-American libertarianism he moved to, although an IP lookup suggests he — or his VPN server, at least — is located in the socialist hellhole of Canada. No, not Turkey. In any case, he has some deep thoughts about the world and truth and stuff, because he is an experienced World Traveler. When a Wonker cruelly called libertarians “useless, self-absorbed know-nothings,” Captain My Captain explained why he actually has a broader perspective than most people, which he then followed with a highly original cliché:

Another to add to the list of the reasons I left! As a merchant marine captain, I’ve traveled over more that half the world. I’ve seen enough with my own eyes to know, never believe any of the propaganda you see, or hear, on the news. Dam I love the intolerance of people with different opinions. There is an ole saying ” Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one, and they ALL stink.”

Yarr, ’tis no man, ’tis a remorseless commenting machine! He also confuses “tolerance” with “uncritical acceptance,” which seems a bit parochial for a fellow who has traveled so widely and seen so much. And when someone pointed out that it’s actually OK to fully spell out cuss words here, he replied that he is in fact Aware Of Internet Traditions:

I’m fully aware of the proper spelling of “Damn”. It’s common usage on the internet to shorten words at times.

Yes, that is a very common internet abbreviation. As is shortening “you’re” to “your” and “they’re” to “there.” It’s not a misspelling or a typo; Captain Pee Wee meant to do that.

Still, there’s a larger point Captain Ron wanted us to give some thought to: The venomous atmosphere of hatred these days, which is utterly unprecedented in American politics, at least to anyone who never noticed what wingnuts wrote about Barack Obama for a decade:

So I’m not tolerant? I absolutely hated Obama, but I never threatened to harm, or kill someone, or called them derogatory names, because they voted for him. I never turned them away because of their support of him, or refused to associate with them. I have several friends that support him to this day. That doesn’t mean I’m going to call them stupid, ignorant, or any other of the names I’ve been called here. I respect, whether I agree with them or not, their right to their opinion. That’s what being a civilized human being is supposed to be all about.

I’ve recently been threatened with harm, and/or death, by several Trump haters. I’m almost 70 years old and I’ve never seen the unbridled, venomous, hatred that I’ve seen directed at Trump, and/or his supporters, or for that matter, anyone else. It goes beyond rationality.

We should note here that we’ve reviewed that comment thread, and while many people said unkind things, not a single Wonker threatened “Capt Turk” with harm. Several did call him rude names, which had to be very very hurtful to the paragon of civility who led off with “Hitlery” and followed up with the observation that Hillary is the “ultimate sleaze bag” and Bernie has dementia, and that anyone who’d vote for either has been “drinking the cool-aid” [sic]. But he doesn’t hold with insulting folks over politics, and in fact had to leave the USA because people are just so intolerant.

Then someone threw a substantive argument at him, saying that trickle-down economics has never worked, that institutional racism and sexism are bad things, and that libertarianism is naive, like “knocking down your fences and just hoping the fox won’t come for the chickens.” Captain Thoughtful replied,

One more example of the reason I left the US.

Huh. So much rudeness! That commenter then asked for a “substantive counterargument,” please, and finally “Capt Turk” got into the real intellectual stuff, not just the mere gainsaying of what the other person says, although he knew his facts would be wasted on the fools here:

As if facts will make any difference to Trump haters, a few of the reasons I not against Trump.
He has decreased the nation debt by several trillion dollars.
The Dow is at an all time high.
He’s brought numerous manufacturing job back to the US.
He’s doing his best to limit immigration.
The man is the only one I’ve ever come across that actually had his personal wealth decrease while in office.
He’s the only one to ever donate his salary to charity.
No one that can amass 4.5 billion dollars in assets is stupid, or has no knowledge of economics.
I could continue, but it would do no good. Too much kool-aid has been served.

I’ll agree that the man is sexist. He has his crase moments, but that doesn’t make him the wrong man for the job. I’ve learned in my long life that it sometimes it takes an asshole to get things done.

As far as my being naive, for being a libertarian, call me what you want but I believe in being left to hell along, as long as I’m not causing injury to another. And I don’t mean harming some ones delicate, wants to be absolutely protected, thinks everyone owes them something, need a safe space, feelings.

As I stated earlier, I’ve traveled, worked in, lived in, other countrys spanning a good part of the world. Some were dictatorships, some officially police states, and the whole range and degrees of government. I’ve never been anywhere that the governments were as invasive, and generally restrictive, and intrusive, as what the US has become in recent years.

Have a nice day, and enjoy your kool-aid.

Finally, some facts! Let’s see here:

(1) The national debt grew by $671 billion in fiscal 2017. And of course, the GOP’s Tax Cut For Rich Fuckwads will add at least a trillion to the debt over the next decade — or $1.5 trillion, depending on the estimates.

(2) The Dow has continued high growth since the Obama administration, and the stock market is a dubious measure of economic health. Trump enacted no policies to affect it one way or another — unless slashing environmental protections makes all stocks go up.

(3) Trump has bragged about bringing many manufacturing jobs back. Not a lot of evidence for that, but he sure says it a lot. in 2016, under the guy who wasn’t Trump, the US gained about 25,000 more manufacturing jobs than it lost, but the small gains in manufacturing here seem to have more to do with increasing production costs in China, not just yelling about jobs.

(4) We’ll give you this one: Trump is definitely doing everything he can to deport everyone possible. Of course, most libertarians are in favor of open borders, so that seems a strange one to be proud of.

(5) How would we know? He’s never released his taxes. Obviously “Captain Turk” believed Trump’s claim that the tax bill would be terrible for him. It will actually be pretty good for Trump, especially with the inclusion of the “Corker Kickback.” We have no idea where “Capt Turk” got the idea that Trump’s personal wealth has decreased — maybe he means Trump took a “pay cut” with the presidential salary of $400,000 a year? That, of course, ignores the tiny detail that Trump’s wealth comes almost exclusively from his real estate holdings and other investments, not salary. Paychecks are for little people.

(6) JFK also donated his presidential salary. And we’re not sure that donating a few chunks of change to government agencies whose budgets are targeted to be slashed really counts as “charity.” Also, let’s not forget that Trump can now write off those donations on his taxes — so we get to pay him twice!

(7) HAHAHAHAHA. Being rich doesn’t make you smart. Trump has a long record of business failures, taking bailouts, and cheating people who do business with him. As several commenters pointed out, Trump would be richer if put his 1988 net worth into index funds and sat on his hands. SO SMART.

And then “Capt Turk” flounced away to getting-hit-on-the-head lessons. Ow!

That same thread also brought us a visit from the brilliant “David R,” who suddenly noticed something!!!!

It’s just dawned on me that this is a Communist website. I couldn’t believe what I was reading from most of the comments. Then I looked at the various pop-ups. So you folks really are nuts. I was worried there for a while that I had gone into a black hole to 1930s American Communist Party times.

Someone pointed out that Wonkette doesn’t exactly call for state control of industry, the dictatorship of the proletariat, or even workers seizing the means of production (ed. – Robyn here! I do! Well, I at least believe the workers should own the means of production in many cases and am kind of a syndicalist.), so how on earth did “David” conclude that this is a communist website? Which elicited this bit of detective work:

I explained “how” — the ads. Anyway, I really don’t care if you agree. The comments are so nuts that I’m actually relieved to have figured this out.

Yep, it was the ADVERTISEMENTS (which we don’t actually have) that made clear we were a bunch of commies. But “David” had other deep thoughts about the actual topic of the article, which was why Trump voters seem to have trouble getting laid online:

The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out. Before then, make sure you get an NDA for everyone you date, or have your money well-protected (in trust, off-shore, buried).

Well, then! He seems pretty smart! When someone suggested he had a pretty bizarre and limited view of the women who carry those vaginas around with them, making it necessary for men to (sigh) have to deal with an entire person instead of just some genitals, “David” objected, in very intellectual terms:

You actually don’t know my beliefs about how the sexes relate to one another. You don’t even know that I voted for Trump. I really don’t have a problem with women per se, but rather with this inane article and those hereon who seem to upvote it. I want nothing to do with either men or women who take this position seriously.

As I’ve said hereon, several women are heroes to me, and I happen to like personally all the women I actually know. And my mother gave me life so I wouldn’t even be around if it weren’t for her. But I’m disgusted with anyone (man or woman) who would judge the sum of another person’s worth based on which lever they pulled in a single election.

Yup, he’s all about the civility, and he actually respects many vagina-carriers. Also, as a brief visit to his comment history indicates, he happens to know that global warming is a “pseudo science” (he uses a whole lot of math!), Muslims are committed to killing everyone who doesn’t accept Islam, and if you’re going to argue with “David R.” in a comments thread, you’d best come prepared:

Perhaps 1/10 of a percent of the US is more intelligent than I am. The logical implication of the above is that no one will buy what you are selling.

We’ll confess we didn’t scroll down far enough to see whether he brags about belonging to MENSA, but we bet the odds are fairly strong. He’s among the smartest 99.9 percent of Americans, after all. If only we weren’t such commies, maybe we’d recognize that.

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  • exinkwretch

    Copy editor note: It “Kool-Aid,” you “libertarian” dumbfuck.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    David R: “Perhaps 1/10 of a percent of the US is more intelligent than I am. The logical implication of the above is that no one will buy what you are selling.”

    Please post your SAT scores.

    • Bad Tom

      25,295.87 +220.74!!!
      No. Wait. That’s the DJI.
      My bad.

    • redarmyzombie

      Bitch, I scored in the 98th percentile, fuckin’ come at me!

      • Bad Tom

        OK:

        “EXPLAIN IN A SHORT PARAGRAPH THE MAIN THEME OF JAMES AGEE’S A DEATH IN THE FAMILY

        You have 10 minutes. GO.
        ——-
        That was a real question on my PSAT, so, so long ago. I got it right, too, because my English teacher fucking LOVED that book.

        • godsaidHA

          I fucking love that book too! and I get a lot more out of it now than I did age 16.

          • Bad Tom

            I should reread it.

            I just reread For Whom the Bell Tolls, and was blown away. I liked it when I was young, but now I understand why Hemingway was considered a genius, a real one.
            ——-
            Not always so stable. It’s a problem when the light burns so bright.

          • willi0000000

            if the light burns too bright . . . close the damn refrigerator door!

        • chazmanr

          I don’t recall a question even remotely like that on the PSAT, the SAT or ACT (in fairness it has been 34 years since I took it) . I don’t recall my PSAT score, but I know it qualified me as National Merit Scholarship semi-finalist.

          • Bad Tom

            The PSAT had essay questions when I took it over 40 years ago. I was a National Merit Scholar based on my results. I remember that question vividly. (My wording is certainly a paraphrase, after all those years.)

            Although, come to think of it, it COULD have been one of the other tests administered to hapless high schoolers in Ohio in the late 70s. I had to get on a bus early one Saturday morning, I sure remember that. And the Agee question surprised me, and made me GLEEFUL, I remember that very well.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      And there’s another one I forgot to pay attention to. I have no idea what either my SAT or ACT scores were.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    David R doesn’t have to wait for the Swiss; he can get off on a Fleshlight.

    Or so some people say.

  • rosenbomb

    “I really don’t have a problem with women per se,”

    Anyone who opens a sentence with that clause should immediately stop talking.

    • But we could have so much fun finishing the thought for him!

      Examples:
      I really don’t have a problem with women per se, I just hate when they won’t fuck me
      I really don’t have a problem with women per se, I just want them to clean up after me
      I really don’t have a problem with women per se, some of my best friends are black! Wait…wrong post

      • FlownΩver

        I really don’t have a problem with women per se, so where’s my fuckin’ sammich and beer?

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Shorter and less pretentious: “I’m not sexist, but…”

    • Hobbes’ like, smart Evil Twin

      Let me tell you a thing about the blahs.

  • bbayliss

    I’m practicing ignoring these fuckers.

    • Bad Tom

      It’s not working. Too much fun.

  • Christopher Story

    “Perhaps 1/10 of a percent of the US is more intelligent than I am. The logical implication of the above is that no one will buy what you are selling.”

    My favorite. Must be a Trump University success story.

    • Ωbjectifier

      Another stable genius.

      • FlownΩver

        Definitely the smartest horse – or portion thereof – around these parts.

    • Stable Genius Jack

      He’s, like, really smart.

      • bbayliss

        You spelled rilly rong

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Capt. Turk must’ve been real fun on those long sea voyages with about a half-dozen people aboard.

    • redarmyzombie

      He’d be the first to get eaten.

      • FlownΩver

        With a gammy leg?!?!?

  • Bigly smart jesterpunk

    I really hate when people say “You’re the reason people voted for Trump”. It is always bullshit and always a way to shut down the conversation while avoiding any personal responsibility for their actions and for them being an asshole.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      It’s also a really low blow – basically saying “you suck because you’re smart”.

    • To them you get to say “So if I called you small dicked you’d punch yourself in the face? Good to know!”

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      external locus of control much?

    • BJW

      I don’t get this thing about “I voted for Trump because you liberals were meanies.” I. DO. NOT. GET. While I admit to schadenfreude during O’s terms whenever some horrible conservative idea was defeated or a liberal idea won (LGBTQ marriage rights), hurting their fee-fees wasn’t the end goal. I keep hearing that Trump voters are HAPPY we are upset as if it is the MAIN, number one goal.

      • Bigly smart jesterpunk

        It just seems to be to be a way to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Like they blame someone else for not kissing their ass enough so they had to hurt everyone.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        It is. They are petulant children who were looking for a petulant child to lead them.

      • Hobbes’ like, smart Evil Twin

        They can’t understand anything other than “I got mine, fuck you” as a form of governing.

        • Bad Tom

          They’ll even take: “I didn’t even get mine, but fuck you anyway.”

          That’s a puzzle.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      This is not even capable of being evaluated on its face. The proper response is “huh?” or “wtf does that even mean?”. I suspect it’s as popular as it is because it seems to trigger libs.

      • Bigly smart jesterpunk

        You might be right, but it really doesnt trigger libs. Its just a stupid argument that makes them look stupid. But they are all about spite and think everything offends us when it really doesnt.

  • msanthropesmr

    As I’ve said hereon

    LOLWHUT?!

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      He is trying to look SMRT

    • I’m pretty sure that a hereon is a cross between a herring and a heron.

      It’s amazing what they can do with genetics nowadays.

      • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

        It eats itself!

        • LOL, yes! I nearly came back to say that.

    • Parakeetist

      Maybe he meant “on heroin.”

      • C4TWOMAN

        That’s actually how I read it first….

        • Parakeetist

          :)

    • doktorzoom

      He’s a big fan of “hereon” — uses it in threads on several other sites, because he’s the smartest.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler
    • folderol

      Wherewithal, heretofore, albeit, aforementioned, inasmuch, hereinafter, insofar, nevertheless, notwithstanding, whatsoever…

      Anyhow, wayyy smarter than any of you, so kissmya… oh, no, wait, that’s not one.

    • Daniel

      Methinks I hear a SovCit theretofore. Whereupon and notwithstanding also too, dost methinks.

      Albeit.

      • Bad Tom

        Also, too, notsomuch.

        • Daniel

          I have a personal rule of thumb: when an internet comment includes the word “methinks” in all apparent seriousness it’s a sign the commenter is a dick.

          • I use methinks all the time….
            Oh. I see your point.

          • Opalescent Riddles

            Your serious is not apparent, so…

  • Christopher Story

    It is weird watching a religion develop in real time.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      True that. The cult of 200 years ago either goes extinct or becomes today’s mainstream religion. Crom, I hope our few remaining descendants in some post nuclear hellscape aren’t worshipping at the Temple of Trump.

      • Christopher Story

        Honestly, that would make for a great Planet of the Apes style movie reveal.
        “This is why you blew it up!”

  • As if facts will make any difference to Trump haters, a few of the reasons I not against Trump.
    Merchant Marine from Canadia is a lying liar who lies. And not an ex pat neither.
    Between Dam and I not….yeah. That is not a native english speaker folks

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      But he is blue jean wearing american who likes hot dogs and likes the yankees.

      • Catstro, Very Stable Genius

        His Coca-cola is the real thing and his Levi’s never go out of style

      • redarmyzombie

        He is also retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes!

    • BosGrl

      “cool-aid” – is there an American over 40 who can’t spell that?

      • They did correct themselves later XD

      • Stable Genius Jack

        I thought the same thing. For fun, I tried typing kool-aid as cool-aid and had to pause for a few seconds before being able to spell it that way.

  • La forza del resistino

    Used to have a roommate who was, er, familiar with artificial vags once the inflation process was complete.

  • Ωbjectifier
    • doktorzoom

      Egrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention…

      • msanthropesmr

        They’re bloody seabird flavored.

        • redarmyzombie

          Does it come with wafers?

          • The Wanderer

            No, it doesn’t come with bleedin’ wafers!

      • I’d show you the egress for that but…this be your house

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I did it bluuuuuue jay!

        I’m just not good at this.

        • eggs ackly-wright

          Fly me to the loon.
          Me neither. At this point in my decline, even gibberish is an accomplishment.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Roll me over. In the plover. See: gullible. I was a teenage flamingo dancer. We are in deep dodo.

  • msanthropesmr

    Perhaps 1/10 of a percent of the US is more intelligent than I am

    That puts you at an IQ of around 149 and change. Don’t you have better things to do than comment on a website?

    • redarmyzombie

      He actually has an IQ of 9. I can see how he’d make that mistake though.

    • I think he meant to say that 1/10 of a percent of an American – any American* – is more intelligent than he is. Makes more sense, anyhow.

      *who didn’t vote R, but that goes without saying.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Like our very stable genius squatting in the White House.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Capt Turk, a libertarian living in Canada with the socialist universal health care.

    Completely legit.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    “Libertarian” is just another name for Anarchists who own property and have retirement portfolios. They don’t like any laws that threaten their income, they only like laws that keep poor people in check, and preferably out of sight. You never see a poor Libertarian.

    • lol you see lots of them XD Specially among the youngs. They are in debt up to their eyeballs and consider themselves wealthy because they have the latest iphone

      • C4TWOMAN

        “and consider themselves wealthy because they have the latest iphone mummy/daddy paying all their expenses.”

        FTFY

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Oh, yes, I’ve got three of them living 2 doors from me. Mommy and Daddy bought a house so Junior could live in it while he goes to college, and Junior got his two best friends to be his roommates. Between the three of them, they have seven vehicles, PLUS three ATVs and a boat and a boat trailer and a utility trailer, and they profess the strange belief that they do not have to obey the HOA Covenants or any local traffic laws.

          • C4TWOMAN

            I suppose they also too believe they succeeded “all by themselves, on their own merits”….

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I’m not sure they actually THINK about anything. They all have such an incredible amount of White Male Entitlement Syndrome that they don’t need to think. One of them just became a Sheriff’s Deputy. God help us.

    • C4TWOMAN

      The idea def appeals to those so privileged they think people shooting down their thinly veiled classist/racist bullshit is *SOB* oppression.
      And they rilly rilly think they’re the smartzest.

      For some cheap lulz Google “Gault’s Gulch Chile” if you haven’t already.

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      Libertarian is another word for spoiled brats. Hitchens said it best. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/227e12b82f611ef182bfa9ae02313f3c6533a97db39c7e718cdfab42262ffb74.jpg

      • Daniel

        He always pictured himself a libertarian, which to my way of thinking
        means “I want the liberty to grow rich and you can have the liberty to
        starve.” It’s easy to believe that no one should depend on society for
        help when you yourself happen not to need such help.

        Asimov, on Heinlein.

    • TJ Barke

      No. They are not anarchists. They are hyper capitalists who reject even the basic tenants of anarchism. They appropriated anarchist nomenclature to give them a false air of intellectualism and philosophical grandiosity.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I can’t agree. I think they are anarchists who have secretly admitted to themselves that true anarchy won’t actually work in the real world because it will not keep the lower classes in check, or allow them the free time to indulge in intellectual and philosophical grandiosity while simultaneously watching the stock market prices. In other words, they are lazy, greedy anarchists.

        • TJ Barke
          • Daniel

            Would you consider yourself an anarchist, and if so who are the thinkers you like? (I’ve read a reasonable amount of sort of “basic” anarchist and nineteenth century anarchist texts, but not a lot of contemporary stuff).

          • TJ Barke

            I consider anarchism to be sort of the unachievable ideal. I’ve read lots. From Kropotkin to Bookchin. At the very least I value their critiques of authority, and their conceptions of better ways to organize society.

          • Daniel

            I want it to work. In Barcelona, during the civil war, apparently it did until the Stalinists deliberately fucked it all up.

          • TJ Barke

            And that seems to be the achille’s heel. It seems vulnerable to outside aggression.

      • Daniel

        psst- “tenets”.

        They adopted anarchist nomenclature because they believe in property, and property is theft. And they hate theft.

        To be fair, Nozick did actually have some intellectual weight and was a proper actual philosopher, albeit one espousing a horrible belief system. However, I have never yet found an internet libertarian that has actually read him.

        • TJ Barke

          autocorrects…

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      They also like laws that keep other people from achieving what they have, in case that somehow means they have less of it, or that they can’t enjoy it as much because their enjoyment is tied to how much more they have than anyone else.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      They also want to smoke pot. Ron and Rand know their donors.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Yea, you’re a tough guy who hates being judged for your vote, but you won’t cop to voting for trump.

    https://scontent-sea1-1.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/e35/14262612_1108005862609677_1007372766_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTMzNDMxMTE3Nzc3MzQ2MDcwNg%3D%3D.2

  • msanthropesmr

    These DSFB are weaksauce! Weaksauce I tell you!

    Could it be that we never get an intellectual discussion from the opposition is because there is no there there?

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      We had the garbage man running for Flake’s seat here to tell us how he was so smart and complain Robyn didnt ask his permission to write about him. But other then that he was pretty stupid too.

      • msanthropesmr

        Hmmm. Some law I am not aware of requires permission before writing about someone? Has anyone told journamalists that?

        • Bigly smart jesterpunk

          He claimed it was against some rule of journalism while at the same time complaining that there shouldn’t be rules or a government.

          • msanthropesmr

            I am firmly against rules about pants.

          • Bad Tom

            No pants! You’re the pants!

        • C4TWOMAN

          For real journalists, there is the matter of the difference between a private individual and a public figure, and also too, news worthiness.
          In the case of the trash collector running for office, he has chosen to become a public figure by running for public office.

          You’d think he’d understand that….

        • Covfefe
          • little miss high and mighty

            Put some effort in it- This name needs some legwork:
            Kirby Delauter
            Kirby Delauter.Spread this name….
            Krby know nothing about the parking space problem.
            Kirby Delauter is not being truthful about the critical parkingspace
            crisis.
            His name is Kirby Delauter and he’s bad and stupid.

          • Werewolf

            Kirby DeLauter states that no one is to write the name Kirby DeLauter without the express permission of Kirby DeLauter.

            This is not a threat.

      • ooooo I missed that!
        I would have LOVED to nail him down on the issues :D

        • Bigly smart jesterpunk

          His comments are still up in the revenge porn douchebro article, he got ripped to shreds by everyone.

        • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

          I finally asked him how, considering he was going to be the junior senator and very low on the seniority scale (to the point where he may not get any committee assignments for his “pet” issues), he was going to move his agenda forward since Ron Paul and Rand Paul have been trying the whole “dismantle the government” shtick for years.

          His response was that he would basically shame them on Twitter until they sided with him.

          • Covfefe

            Shaming them on Facebook works for Donald. Why not the man running for Flake’s seat?

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    Artificial Swiss Vaginas is the name of my new industrial/ukulele-crossover band.

    • Daniel

      The vaginas are real, it’s the Swiss part that’s artificial.

      • redarmyzombie

        Da, comrade.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Artificial Swiss Vaginas? Full of holes?

      OK, OK, I’m going! No need to push!

      • Daniel

        Artificial Swiss Vaginas: FON-DO ME!

    • grindstone

      Artificial Swiss vaginas expealidocious.

  • Further proof that Turkie is no ex pat:
    As far as my being naive, for being a libertarian, call me what you want but I believe in being left to hell along, as long as I’m not causing injury to another

    Left TO hell ALONG.
    Not left THE hell ALONE.

    • doktorzoom

      Oh, c’mon, if you judge too much from typos, then I’M a Russian troll.

      I’ve said too much.

      • I am pleased not to troll from Russia.

      • Daniel

        You correctly used indefinite article. Good work.

      • More seriously, it is not judging from typos, typos happen. It is linguistic parsing. His usage is not reminiscent of the Germanic languages. Might be Quebecois or something, they got them in canadia, but with a french base I’d expect a few instances of dropping pronouns in the wrong place.

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        We’ve always known…

      • Me not sure

        Shouldn’t that be доктор Zoom?

      • frrolfe

        Haven’t said enough. Is that you in the corner?

  • I regularly sign non-disclosure agreements so why do I…err I may have missed an acronym somewhere. Again.

    • gene108

      Every time a date a girl, the first thing I do is get an NDA signed…they find it soooo romantic…

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Captain Turk says “I absolutely hated Obama.” But just like every other person I ever met who said they hated Obama, he does not say why. He won’t say it because it would reveal that he is a racist.

    • He also claims how he hated Obama but never ever induldged in calling him names or calling for harm! OH HEAVENS NO!!!!
      Except…they all did it so much that people got fired for it.
      Another lie

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I bet you $1 he was a rabid Birther.

        • C4TWOMAN

          No bet. I need that $1….

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        It’s a pattern with these guys. “I never indulged in [bad behavior] it was everyone else”. Party of personal responsibility etc.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Prezactly. Dumbfuck is fooling no one around these parts.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I got listen to someone extol just how awful Obama was and how he risked America’s Greatness by merely showboating because he only wanted to stroke his own ego by the Cult of Obama!!!!!11!!!111!

      He went on to list the IRS “scandal”, fast and furious and even the rise of the surveillance state the Edward Snowden revealed to us all…

      I had to call him on all that horse shit. Because funny that he seemed to be citing government “corruption” that was alleged after January 21, 2009. Like the Obama administration were the first to do the corruptions??? I also reminded him that Snowden was revealing mostly shit that came about because of something that happened in the first year of a certain Republican president. His response: “Well, Bush made mistakes.” NO SHIT! No president is ‘perfect’ but they seem oddly fixated on the ‘mistakes’ that that one black guy made.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Yes. 100% yes. If they would just come out and say “I can’t stand the idea of having a n—-r in the White House” I would actually have had about 1% more respect for them. Racists are bad enough, but closet racists are even worse.

  • Daniel

    “And I don’t mean harming some ones delicate, wants to be absolutely protected, thinks everyone owes them something, need a safe space, feelings.”

    “That doesn’t mean I’m going to call them stupid, ignorant, or any other of the names I’ve been called here. I respect, whether I agree with them or not, their right to their opinion. That’s what being a civilized human being is supposed to be all about.”

    These two claims are at odds.

    • snick, the first sentence is funny especially when coupled with how he left the US because people called him names

  • btwbfdimho

    Swiss artificial vagina….
    After use, they developed different natural flavors: Cave-Aged Gruyere, Raclette, Big-Holed-Baby Swiss, Emmentaler, Tete de Moine, Vacherin Fribougeois, Vacherin Mont d’Or, or Busciun da Cabra.

    • redarmyzombie

      What about Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

      • The Wanderer

        It’s there, but not as such.

      • btwbfdimho

        It’s not real cheese…

  • TJ Barke

    Captain and T’ealc sure was fucking tedious.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      They wrote great songs, though.

  • Charlie Gassaway

    We’ll want the Swiss one but will only be able to afford the Japanese one.

  • TJ Barke

    They already have artificial vaginas, they’re called fleshlights.

  • Master Contrail Program
  • The Wanderer

    Speaking of the “Swiss artificial vagina,” Sam Kinison already thought of it:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zurc-wTDb8E

  • Covfefe

    Conceptually, a Swiss Army Vagina could be the best thing since the Karma Sutra. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a0d4593bce9ec022dabcb5c547c7509d07da5e11a0f9c0a0a1a276bd5c1b7cb0.jpg

    • Daniel

      Where’s the clitoris?

      • Covfefe

        You have to search for it.

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        Pffft. As if that’s actually a thing. You leftists will believe anything.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Under the toothpick…

    • Nockular cavity

      Um, ouch?

  • La forza del resistino

    David R’s concern with the American Communist Party wasn’t followed by a ‘where’s my Roy Cohn’?

  • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

    “The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out.”

    The test program is well underway.

    http://centaurfarms.com/images/470_Ruben_phantom1.jpg

    • Daniel

      HA! Joke’s on you- that’s Austria.

    • The Wanderer

      I think that’s nicer to the horses than simply giving them a handy and leaving them unsatisfied.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      It’s sad that women are going the way of 8-tracks and CD’s.

      • Daniel

        The problem is they were long players in a singles dominated world. The best they could hope for was an EP to give them some attention, but honestly that made them too demanding.

        Punk did a lot of good.

      • TJ Barke

        They should try to be like vinyl.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Why do I think that David R. is a person of mature years? Because nobody under 40 worries about Communism any longer, most people under 40 don’t even know what it means.

    • doktorzoom

      He says he’s 71 and very happily married. And all his best friends are guys.

      • I can buy the 71. Betting the other two claims are false

      • Doug Langley

        Saaaaay, you know who else is 71 and claims to be happily married?

        • Daniel

          My neighbour.

        • Bigly smart jesterpunk

          It cant be Trump, he never claimed to be happily married.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Aha, I missed that bit. Of course he’s 71. He grew up with maps full of countries colored red, and “duck-and-cover” drills in school. Communism died as a global political force in 1989, I guess he was busy that year.

    • george lastrapes

      I’m 71 and I worry, not about communists, but about Russians.

      • Ellie

        So am I, and so do I.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Today we are all Russian trolls.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Da tovarisch!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    So sorry, “Captain Turk”, but you are Nazi garbage. Please leave this country for the “White Homeland” of Mother Russia.

    Asshole.

  • Michael R

    There are a lot of Trump supporters ” working on ” an artificial vagina as we speak .

    • Daniel

      You’ll find out in the next period of time how they’re getting on, I will tell you that.

    • The Wanderer

      And they have the chapped skin and calluses to prove it!

      • TJ Barke

        Lube is for whiny socialist libtards.

        • The Wanderer

          In that case, I’ll sing the Internationale.

  • Martini A, very stable genius

    Well, I fully expected our little friend commenting on, and claiming to be AZ misogynist douchebro from Robyn’s article to be the featured SFB in the spotlight for the week. He was special.

    • Deserves his own shit for brains special

      • TJ Barke

        He deserves to be ignored.

    • doktorzoom

      Yeah, I missed him until Robyn called him to my attention today. He’s likely to get some love next week.

      • doktorzoom

        Someone did flag him, but since he was more just tiresome than objectionable, I didn’t look for his many dumb followups.

  • Michael R
  • I would like to state for the record that I for one would be pleased as punch if these gentlebums decided to stick with artificial vaginas and not breed

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Will they go their own way and leave everyone else alone once they have artificial vaginas too?

      • Christopher Story

        No, then they’ll have to come back and rub all our liberal faces in how much happier and better off they are since swearing off women… And that those said women should feel very sad and threatened by the lack of attention they’re being paid by those men who opt for artificial vaginas.

        • Bigly smart jesterpunk

          sigh They really dont get the going their own way part of their name.

  • Christopher Story

    I’m an anti-social introvert with autism, and I’ve still managed to develop a meaningful, satisfying, wholesome love life with a genuinely wonderful woman, who has emotions and everything! What the fuck is their excuse!?!

    • It’s the meaningful thing they have issues with. They just want someone who will give them sexy times, clean up after them, cook for them, and probably make money also.
      You know, a slave

      • Christopher Story

        Sound more like a petulent child with an Oedipus complex.

        • Only because that is precisely their problem.
          I honestly think it has to do with two things: Too many pre:80’s sitcoms where mom was always home and did everything for the kids and that their real moms had to actually work and thus were not there to do everything for them like the TV said they should

    • Jonny On Maui

      Too much like work. No effort should be made for gratification.

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        I owe you a Coke.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Too much work.

      • Christopher Story

        That’s probably the truest thing, right there. It took me a long time and A LOT of work to get myself stable and functional enough to be able to be emotionally responsible for and available to a romantic partner. Lots of personal growth and maturity.

        These guys are the epitome of the mediocre being bitter and resentful that they have to make an effort, any effort at all. They should be venerated for the worthless mediocrity that they embody.

        • george lastrapes

          Solipsism, the deeply implicit sort, such as infants have.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      Control issues and/or sociopathy

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    “Artificial Vagina” is a great put-down. “You’re nothing bu an Artificial Vagina.” Not even good enough to be a real pussy.

    • Daniel

      Someone hasn’t read Arthur Machen.
      Or Jean-Marie-Mathias-Philippe-Auguste, comte de Villiers de l’Isle-Adam.

    • heh I saw something once similar:
      “I called you a dildo because I thought calling you a dick would give you too much credit”

  • Martini A, very stable genius

    Do these creeps longing for artificial vaginas think that we of the female variety would be devastated if they took their little toys and we never heard from them again? Because I don’t think they’ve really thought that one through, TBH.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      IKR? As long as there’s someone around who can help me lift the big ladder, I’ll climb up and change the bulbs myself. And until spiders get big enough to slap the remote out of my hand or borrow the car, I can deal with them, too.

      • redarmyzombie

        Hey, you’d be surprised how big those fuckers can get!

        • C4TWOMAN

          Shelob called, she’d like a word with you….

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            “NO!! Ungoliant does NOT want to watch Young Sheldon!”

    • redarmyzombie

      That would imply they thought at all, Martini.

    • C4TWOMAN

      There so confused on so many levels….
      First, we’ve all been through patches when we decide, fuck women/men/dating! It’s not worth it!
      Then we quietly and discretely take care of our own needs until our dry spell runs it’s course.
      We DO NOT, loudly, tell the entire world exactly how we plan to masturbate.
      Leading me to believe these loud mouths are all virgins.

    • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

      Please, for the love of all that’s holy, let the Swiss perfect those fake vaginas with a quickness!

      • Ill-Advised

        Do fake vaginas (vaginae?) go into the female robots supposedly made in Japan?

        I’m having trouble keeping up…

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      As one beloved non-commenter once said, “You have to be this tall to take this ride”.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      It’s much worse. They think literally every last thing that women have, including bank accounts, jobs, and votes, are (is?) theirs only by virtue of the fact that they occasionally let men fuck them.

    • Sekhmet1

      They’re the same folk who think that yelling “you’ll end up living alone with cats” at feminists is a dire prediction of a living death. I fail to see the downside.

      Does anyone know what MGTOWs and other misogynists have against cats? I’ve never understood that. I mean, I’m sure most self-respecting cats wouldn’t have a bar of them either, but it’s weird.

      • Shibusa

        Cats don’t need ‘em?

      • Flexo

        It might have to do with the trope of the ‘crazy cat lady’, or that many people seem to see dogs as inherently more manly and appropriate for men than cats. I have a theory that this has to do with cats generally not being subservient, and not responding to physical punishment by falling in line like dogs often do.

        • Sekhmet1

          That makes sense. I’ve seen lot of cat haters/dislikers usually cite the ways in which cats aren’t like dogs (because well, newsflash, they’re not dogs) as reasons for their antipathy.

          Though the “cat lady” as a bad thing bemuses me too. I assume it’s because the idea of a single woman living alone with cats has historically been seen as subversive and threatening – who were major targets during the 16th and 17th century witch hunts? Older women living alone, especially if they didn’t go out of their way to fit in. Self-sufficient and/or unconventional women are a threat to the status quotes.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Here I was hoping for some juicy “opitome of a dumb ass”-level derp. Once again, our visitors have disappointed me. Oh well. 2018 has plenty of time in which they can raise their standards, since I refuse to lower ours.

    • Artificial vagina is pretty good

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Meh. Not enough !!!!! and angry misspellings.

      • Blender_415

        Back in my day, “Artificial Vagina” meant the operator’s hand, or maybe a squash-type thing warmed up in the oven. Kids these days…

  • David R is a stable genius, and those Swiss artificial vaginas are made out of chocolate.

    Soon you’ll bone
    Your Toblerone.

    • doktorzoom

      On St. Elsewhere, one minor character married a rich Swiss chocolate magnate, and I’m sure the whole subplot was an excuse for this line, which somehow made it past NBC standards and practices: “Sometimes Klaus spends the whole night at the factory helping them pack the fudge.”

      • redarmyzombie

        Yes, but did he come through the back door with Colonel Angus?

        • Tennessee Rain Genius

          Classic!

  • Courser_Resistance

    I don’t think the Swiss invented the Fleshlight. Just sayin’.

  • doktorzoom

    The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina!

    You know what, Stuart, I LIKE YOU. You’re not like the other people here in the trailer park.

    • You’re not like the other people, here, in the artificial vagina factory.

    • TJ Barke

      Jumpin’ jesus on a pogo stick!

    • Ling Ling

      Burro Owl! Burro Owl!

    • Master Contrail Program

      The sign said keep your head and arms inside The Mixer at all times. But you know Turk Jr, HE WAS A DAREDEVIL!!! Just like his old man.

    • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

      Come out behind the barn, and I’ll show you what the queers are doing to the soil.

      • Daniel

        Is that where you grow the mandrake?

        • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

          Good one, that’s nicely obscure!

      • Ωbjectifier

        Or De Moines Iowa.

        • Opalescent Riddles

          Perfect example.

    • Baconzgood

      You got the pamphlet from Pueblo too?

  • bbayliss

    “The Swiss Are Working On An Artificial Vagina…”
    Anyone familiar with their cheese knows they perfected the artificial vagina years ago

    • OrG

      The holes are just the right size.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Oh whhoa

    • TJ Barke

      Heyoooo!

  • Transgender Fetus McGoo

    Hereto, hereon, henceforth, mayhap, perchance, and per se, I say! I got the highest scores in my state on elementary school standardized tests, and it makes me special!

    • altleftjohn

      You have the best words.

    • redarmyzombie

      In what, the great state of Jefferson?

    • Ωbjectifier

      Irregardless…

  • btwbfdimho

    Swiss artificial vagina…
    Orson Welles would say: Finally the Swiss invented something else besides the cuckoo clock”.
    From The Third Man:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7e7534312f34da3153e43ae977d9930acdbbe341572ab45b6e95fc34a0954288.png

    • Daniel

      I was going to make a similar comment, but I was wondering if “cuckoo cock” was too obvious.

      • redarmyzombie

        It comes every hour, on the hour.

      • thepoliticalcat

        Honestly, these Wonketteers are absolutely shameless. (I approve.)

    • btwbfdimho
    • little miss high and mighty

      CERN liblz
      Swiss gots Cern!
      Geeesch
      ps Harry, cochoo clocks are from the Black Forest The swiss make the zillion €uro Chronometers and other techinical wonders, ike CHOOLATE and not getting bombed to hell in war after war.
      Harry, you don’t know Jack.

  • ariel_gee_398

    This administration is like A Christmas Carol, if at the end of the story Scrooge had Crachett thrown in debtor’s prison, where he died of illness, and then took Tiny Tim’s crutches as payment for the burial.
    https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2018/01/05/appeal-denied-ice-move-forward-deportation-paraplegic-boys-caregiver/1008789001/

    • C4TWOMAN

      Even the Black Adder Christmas Carole wasn’t that bad…

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

    With the addition of a Swiss Army Dick, the contraption could go fuck itself.

    • Is that the Matterhorn, or are you just happy to see me?

    • Daniel

      I believe that’s called “a sick bern”.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      It’s the Clusterfuck™

      • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

        Also known as Pocket Porno.

    • coozledad

      Well, with the Swiss dick I guess it still qualifies for a patent. Not a perpetual motion machine.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    Two male college sportsball teams will try to win this tomorrow night. I think they call it the “Swiss Miss”.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/313f92b86d91b8b8b98f4e98aa85f0f0065e7df1cf6a1fc8ef958b843e67fa36.jpg

    • coozledad

      It’s already got a honeymoon stitch!

  • RickyG
  • Transgender Fetus McGoo

    There already are disembodied artificial vaginas. I’m not giving you a picture, you can go look it up yourself.

  • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

    “The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out.”

    I don’t know if there’s a way to say that without sounding like you think it’s a great idea…

  • pgjack

    Maybe he meant an artificial womb so that babies could be grown without inconveniencing women. This often appears in science fiction scenarios and, who knows, might become a reality in the distant future when human reproduction is carefully managed both for population and quality control. But artificial vaginas?? If it’s masturbation aides that the poster is looking for I think that’s probably already been done.

    • Reach out and touch fake
      Your own artificial vagina
      Something to fap off to
      Something that’s there

    • ariel_gee_398

      A man not knowing the difference between vagina and uterus? GO on, I can hardly believe such a thing.

    • Christopher Story

      I did a quick Google search of “Artificial vagina,” and yeah, even if they Swiss are working on one, they have some real catching up to do with the rest of the market.

    • SeekingIndictmentBarbie

      He probably did mean an artificial womb, so he’s laughably ignorant. It’s supposed to be a big threat to women, but really, I doubt very many of those misogynistic fools really want to raise children or have the financial resources to do so.

      • Seek

        Or the emotional maturity to do it successfully.

  • data_ninja

    I’m assuming that Captain Turk’s libertarian beliefs made him care about Enterprises?

    • I am betting dumb ass is not even a libertarian. Not he claims that, and that both parties are bad, but he only HATES the one.
      Yeah.

      • RickyG

        I bet he was never in the merchant marines neither. Not unless he loves Bannon. (Because that makes him a Steve-adore!)

      • C4TWOMAN

        That’s pretty boiler plate libertarian-speak:
        “The RIGHT and LEFT are BAD.
        So lets go FAR RIGHT, and see what happens! Yeah!”

      • data_ninja

        I think you missed my Star Trek joke… I’ll do better in the Next Generation.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Go to your room!

        • lol I did miss it. I tend to type what I think sometimes, and it does not always fit with what is going on at the actual time.

        • RickyG

          I think it was the casual way you TOS ed it out.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    So many fucking idiots and so few rubber chickens with which to bash them over their pointy little heads.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      They might like the rubber chicken too much.

    • Ωbjectifier
    • The Wanderer
      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        A bag of miniature rubber chickens…a staple for every pantry. Or something.

        I guess it satisfies a need.

        • coozledad

          Don’t wear that sumbitch in South Carolina.

      • little miss high and mighty

        Archie!
        Wondered how long it would take for that link to show up here where all the commments are supposed to be.

        • The Wanderer

          I had thought of buying a bag, to have something to throw at the TV when Svengoolie makes a bad pun.

          • little miss high and mighty

            already gots some
            They are not the rubbery flex kind so .. kinda eye pokey and too small. But cute. Our dolls play with them.
            Archie’s got the big kind, too. easier to throw and floppy rubber
            Much better than the little ones :)

    • coozledad

      Little known fact: The development of the rubber chicken nearly put the prostitutes who worked the RNC out of a job.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        And the artificial vaginas will finish that task quite nicely, I daresay.

  • OutOfOrbit

    Me got artificial vagina right here at the end of my arm works really good

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      tmi

      • OutOfOrbit

        donut be such a goose

    • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

      I don’t have one of those. Can I borrow yours?

  • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

    Gee, you guys. Why do you have to be so down on Trump and his supporters? It’s not like there’s any difference at all between Trump and Obama. Therefore, you are just being petty, and hating on Trump and his Trumpkin patch of deplorables for no reason whatsoever, except they are not liberals. Obama and Trump have all the things in common. Beliefs. Personal life. Actions. Governing style. Financial history. Looks. A deep appreciation for the artificial vagina work of the Swiss. They are the same. Stop being against Trump just because he isn’t a Democrat, and give the poor man a chance, you unreasonable, intolerant, name calling, jerkfaces!

    • little miss high and mighty

      on the other hand…

      • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

        THE SAME. ALL THE SAMENESS.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Poe’s Law gets another workout.

  • The Wanderer

    So, Capt. Turk was so pissed off at our political parties that he left the country. My question to him would have been, “Why do you love America so little that you’d rather leave than stay and try to fix things?”

    • richardgrabman

      I can kinda understand Captain Turk’s position (ridiculous as it is) The absence of real political choice (in reality.. only two neo-liberal parties that matter in more than local elections, the weird “winner take all” …no proportional representation for legislatures… and the electoral college vote that would have made my absentee ballot meaningless having to vote in a “red state” for a “blue state” candidate) means I stopped voting when I left the US… even though who wins or loses has a huge effect on my life, and all I can do is make snarky comments about it in places where comments are not allowed.

    • SeekingIndictmentBarbie

      I called him out on that and determined that he was just spouting off for grins and giggles. If you abandon the field, no one is interested in your armchair quarterbacking.

  • Baconzgood

    “I’ve seen enough with my own eyes”

    As opposed to seeing something a lizards eyes?

    • Daniel

      If you could see what I have seen with your eyes…

      • Seek

        Insert Roy’s monologue from the original Blade Runner here. I love it but don’t have it memorized.

        • Daniel

          I do.

          I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

          [you’ll have to excuse me, someone’s cutting onions]

          • Seek

            I almost quit dating my now spouse because he’d never seen Blade Runner. When I made him watch to and he didn’t “get it” I seriously thought that it would never work out. After 25 yrs, it still bothers me.

            I can watch it over and over and still come away with something cool and I love this scene with Roy and Decker – Amazing

    • Shibusa

      “…He looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. You know the thing about a shark: he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’… until he bites ya. And those black eyes roll over white, and then…”

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out.

    More for us guys who like women…

  • Tennessee Rain Genius

    Can we take up a collection and get David a pocket pussy and Captain Turk a goddamned copy of Strunk & White? Reading that collection of grammatical errors made my brain hurt.?

    • The joke is, the pocket pussy was modeled on a cast of Captain Turk’s little captain (so, teh ghey), and the style guide was written by David (top percentile) R. The Gift of the MAGA!

  • Amazing how Captain Turk’s command of the English language got precipitously worse toward the end. I’d chalk that up to shift change at the St Petersburg troll farm.

  • Nockular cavity

    as long as I’m not causing injury to another. And I don’t mean harming some ones delicate, wants to be absolutely protected, thinks everyone owes them something, need a safe space, feelings.

    Really? And who was it that grouped harming and killing with calling people derogatory names?

    • BosGrl

      Why do these people hate feelings and empathy so much? Are they that damaged that they are terrified of their own feelings, and can’t begin to understand someone else’s?

    • SeekingIndictmentBarbie

      This idea that liberals are just a quivering mass of hurt feelings is tedious and just another version of “la-la-la I can’t hear you.”

  • Shan

    The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out.

    Just like when women invented dildoes and all the men magically disappeared.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Another theory shot to hell.

    • Daniel

      This brilliant intellect clearly read Lysistrata as a historical account.

  • Shibusa

    A friend of mine likes to say that a libertarian is just a Republican too cheap to donate to a political campaign.

    I’ll bet Capt Turk is enjoying the socialized medicine in Canada, though.

    • The Wanderer

      Yeah, one of my friends identifies as libertarian, but routinely votes GOP.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, libertarians are neo-feudalists, so they’re more closely aligned with the GOP than the Dems.

      • Shibusa

        My RWNJ bro, who thinks Trump is a moron, but who also voted for Trump, recently started calling himself a libertarian.

        • The Wanderer

          It’s like A Certain Country back in 1945. Had people coming out of the woodwork yelling, “I wasn’t a member of the Party!”

          • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

            “I wasn’t one of them, I was the conscientious objector in my Waffen SS unit!

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Just like every GW Bush voter by 2006

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Thom Hartmann says Libertarians are just Republicans that like to smoke pot and get laid

    • TJ Barke

      They usually like weed, too.

    • Gigglesnort

      Means they can be all dissy about political parties and claim they are bipartisan, while espousing policies that are basically right wing, but with an extra dose of derp. It used to be they had to vote third party to get that package in a candidate, but now the nut fringe of the GOP has gone libertarian, too, at least in name, so they can pull that lever and get the full package, as in Paul Ryan.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Right? A highly regulated country. You’d think he’d make a statement and move to the Libertarian paradise of Somalia or something, a place where there really are no laws.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        Too many blahs. Muslim blahs at that.

  • The Very Stable Librarian

    Captain Dork, the only thing women are out of is the need for a Idiot like yourself. Enjoy your artificial vagina, I mean your “wife”.

  • data_ninja

    I’m slightly disappointed that the dude from Robyn’s article didn’t make the cut. Sure, he was boring as hell and stupid, it’s always a fun sight when the subject of an article comes to visit!

    • Gigglesnort

      OMG somehow I missed that fine article. Where do these people come from, and why don’t they go back to wherever that is?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I really expected more excitement from a guy who repeatedly calls himself a genius and provides the sole upfist for all his non-comments.

      • puredog

        Despite the troll content of his comments, I was struck repeatedly by how he did not strike a troll tone, and ignored the various sallies by Our Vile Little Snark Mob to insult him. He was, nonetheless, a troll, albeit a polite troll.

  • wait! what?

    Poor David R.

    Dude, this is a commune-ist website…

    • Bigby

      It’s full on Soviet Commentlesst…

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Okay, me and my artificial vagina need to clean the apt. It’s really great for spills. See ya’ll later.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      The quicker picker upper!

      • Daniel

        And quicker flicker offer!

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Can I borrow it to get a lid off a pickle jar?

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        Sure! It’s got great grip.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Artificial Vagina is the name of my new Tori Amos tribute band

    • TJ Barke

      Not Liz Phair?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        or k.d.lang?

        • Indigo Girls?

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Alex, I’ll take famous lesbopotumus musical groups for $100

            (assuming he’s recovered from the brain surgery)

        • TJ Barke

          Or Tegan and Sara?

        • little miss high and mighty

          Conchita Wurst

    • wait! what?

      The sound checks must be interesting.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Yoko Ono libel.

    • wait! what?

      Is the first album going to be called Fallopiantubeless?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Fallopiantubeless Bells- it’s a tribute to Mike Oldfield

        • Michael R

          Why you gotta drag Mike Oldfield into everything ?

        • wait! what?

          Okay, that fell together a little too neatly, lol.

      • Phried Ω

        Fallopiantubeless Tires could be the country music mix with pedal steel guitar.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Artificial Vagina and the F-Holes.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I always wondered what the F stood for…

    • Blanche de Shambles

      I’m imagining a Gary Numan style cover of “Yes, Anastasia.”

  • Crank Tango

    Well, hopefully they make it clear like my favorite Swatch.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    dear Captain Underpants,

    if you cast a ballot without filling in a race it is the same thing as having voted “none of the above”. if you do so, we can count that. we now can’t differentiate you from the deplorables. and not casting a ballot at all makes it hard to know whether you are apathetic or don’t know that there are other things on the ballot.

    thank you for your concern,
    election nerd

    • Shan

      Also, casting a ballot will help keep a person from getting purged from the rolls (in some states).

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        it’s true!

  • Gayer Than Thou
    • Daniel

      Artificial vagina is actually still in the sink.

      And yes, it vibrates.

      • Shan

        It’s not dishwasher safe? I should think that would be a good way to make them. For hygiene purposes.

        • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

          Wang Hand wash only.

        • Daniel

          Even if it was, I feel that would be a horribly utilitarian attitude to the thing. The romantic in me feels handwashing is the right way to do it.

        • tehbaddr

          Usually they’re self cleaning, but left on their own…

      • tehbaddr
  • Daniel

    “The Swiss” implies this might be a government programme.

    Why are the Swiss developing a fake vagina?
    Are they developing other fake parts of female genitals?
    Who is involved in this research?
    What qualifications and experience did these researchers need to get the job?
    Is this a private or publicly funded project?
    Have there been trials?
    If so, what did they involve?
    Have the studies been peer reviewed?
    Have the vaginas thus created been subject to safety checks, and can they be exported within the EU?
    If not, to whom are the Swiss planning to sell these?
    Are they primarily for domestic consumption?

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Is there going to be an artificial vagina arms race? Artificial vagina non-proliferation treaties? Worries about mutually assured detumescence?

      • Daniel

        We can’t afford a vagina gap.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        With the new Torsion Grab System, I hear you don’t need to worry about fallout.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Is the vagina made of chocolate? Or perhaps cheese?

      Does a cuckoo pop out of it on the hour?

  • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

    I am definitely having my real vagina replaced with one of those fake ones. So much less maintenance, and it goes right in the dishwasher for easy clean up.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      why use a sanitary napkin when you can just hit the sanitary rinse cycle on the ‘ol G.E.?

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Are you going to use your real vagina as a trade-in? I might know an interested party.

      • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

        I don’t think so. It has really high mileage.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          the Kelley Blue Book for those must be real interesting…

          • data_ninja

            The Chilton repair manuals are sold behind the counter.

          • Silly, that’s the Kelly pink book.

          • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

            I could probably sell it for cash on Craigslist. Surely someone needs a second vagina around in case their first one is in the shop.

          • Saxo the Grammarian

            Or a daily driver, so to speak.

            I’ll show myself out now.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          I hear they retain their value regardless. As long as the interior is original.

          • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

            This is good news!

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Just don’t kick the tires, the sellers get pissy when you do that

        • Blanche de Shambles

          You can donate it to charity and they’ll come and haul it away for you.

          • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

            Perfect.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Over my dead body!

    • coozledad

      And if it’s Swiss built, it comes with its own toothpick and scissors.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Outchie!

    • Phried Ω

      Look for one that is rechargable and is waterproof.

  • Victoria Ricola

    Nihilistic libertarians with a case of the grumpies are the worst.

    • little miss high and mighty

      gonna be the death, somedayze.

  • John Thorstensen
  • AnnieGetYerFun

    OT, but pretty sure that I am in the throes of seasonal depression. The cold and wet are really destroying my will to live.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      I always think about the next season of my teevee shows I might miss.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        I am one of those assholes who binge watches shows after they are done. This is due to the fact that I can’t figure out which of the seven remote controls are for the TV, so all I really have is my Kindle.

        • valgalky23

          Olympics are coming, watched Nationals last night and seeing Nathan Chen do 5 quads in one program was incredible. Also too, I was reminded of how wonderful it must be to be young and so focused on the task at hand that there is no time to get depressed about Emperor Dementia.

        • Teecha

          This remote control issue is why I don’t have a telly. I was at my mum’s a few years back and it took me 20 fucking mins to work out how to get the shitty musical out of my eyes.

        • SeekingIndictmentBarbie

          I don’t see why that makes you an asshole. It seems rather efficient to me.

    • valgalky23

      Oh I have that too. Get some vitamin D and make the most of any sunshine. I was on an hour drive last week and though the temps were a frigid 20 degrees outside, the sun pouring into my car windows felt so good as I was cruising along. Exercise if you can too, anything will do just move. I love martinis too, Ketel One, up and very dry, olives in the winter, orange slice in summer, but alcohol is a depressant so imbibe with care! Hang in there!

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Yeah, if I went down Martini Lane, there’d be no coming back.

    • Teecha

      I have a spare room if you fancy a visit. Only a few thousand miles to cover.

    • Shibusa

      Mr. Shibusa was struggling too and bought a light therapy box. Seems to have helped.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        My husband has one but I find it incredibly difficult to sit with.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I feel your pain — it’s been bone-chilling cold here and I had no motivation for anything last week. I keep forcing myself to notice that the amount of daylight is increasing and just trying to stay busy. Also worked from home a lot last week — I had to make up a reason, because I doubt “I can’t stand you people” would be considered a valid out.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Oh, if I lived on the East Coast, you can bet I would be packing up and moving right now. There’s no way I could handle that kind of cold.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Success! What? The first computers were also house sized. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b5a8fe75f1d0471a50cb0f1d2e5a2850f30c1053d108f54f0cd50f71df95a09f.jpg
    And now we wait for the march of technology.

  • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

    So, the Swiss are using that hardon collider to test their artificial vaginas? Here I thought they were just helping some guy named Higgs find his missing buffalo.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      you laugh, but once the Swiss combine their artificial vagina with their army knife, the nightmare of vagina dentata becomes real…

      • data_ninja

        But it’d be the neatest thing to see it uncork a bottle of wine.

        • Bad Tom

          I predict a new UTube sensation!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Swiss Army Vagina: don’t leave home without it!

        • mappo

          If I had a Swiss Army Vagina I’d never leave the house again!

      • Jamoche
    • JaveyDay

      Schrödinger’s Pussy?

  • Ωbjectifier
  • Stable Genius Jack

    You know, even if the book is “fake”, the spirit of the book rings true.

    Didn’t SHS say something like that about Donnie’s anti-Muslim retweets? I wish someone would remind her of that at the next press briefing.

    • miss_grundy

      The White Hours correspondents are too willing to play footsie with the current administration rather than throw his tweets or his verbal tantrums back at SHS’s face. And that is why they have lost so much credibility with the American public. They spent the entire presidential campaign going after Hillz’s emails–whether her own or those that were sent to her by her campaign staff, the DNC, or career State Dept. staff. And yet, the MSM chose to ignore the ignorant shite that kept coming out of Dotard’s mouth. Every one of those reporters deserves to be bitch-slapped in public, without benefit of votes. I am so glad that I don’t live in D.C. because if I had the time and money, I would hang out at the watering holes they go to and slap them all into next week and keep yelling at the top of my lungs that they created the shit-storm that we are living in now because of their both-siderism and misogyny. God damnable f*ckers!

  • Michael R
    • little miss high and mighty

      neither had sex with THAT woman!

    • wait! what?

      You kinda have to be a stable genius if you’re neck deep in your own horseshit.

    • TJ Barke

      That may be the most pathetic quote a president has ever said…

    • miss_grundy

      He should be mocked 24/7 for making that comment. JC on a piece of toast! Every person in PA, OH and MI who voted for this cretin should be bitch-slapped, without benefit of votes, for giving this guy the win through the Electoral College. We need to get him out of the Oval before he drops a nuclear bomb on North Korea, Iran or Pakistan.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      The only “stable genius” to have been in the news recently is…SASSY!!

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Those wild and crazy Swiss. Glad to hear they’ve branched out from chocolate, watches, and money laundering.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Given their group reputation, the mind boggles at the idea of a Swiss sex toy.

      “Zis is outside acceptable limits…you shall do besser…schnell!!”

  • Stable Genius Jack

    I say let these Garbage Men have their mechanical vag. I don’t usually advocate eugenics, but if it’s strictly voluntary, then what’s the harm is cutting the chaff? It’s more akin to natural selection in that case.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Another tool in Father Darwin’s toolkit.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I haven’t googled it, but if it’s not just a sex aid or toy, maybe it could also help those transitioning from male to female.

      • Stable Genius Jack

        That would be a nice thing, then! So long as it’s attached to a living, breathing person, I’ve no problem with the thing.

    • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

      He seemed to think that was a threat. I’m like, BUH BYE, motherfuckers! Don’t come back!

      https://youtu.be/3GwjfUFyY6M

      • Stable Genius Jack

        “If you don’t put out, then I’ll just stop harassing you! I’m, like, really SMRT.”

      • Sekhmet1

        I know, right? He said it like it was a bad thing.

        Swiss Vagina Dude replied to one of my comments with some guff about how “women have lost it” and he was “waiting for the Swiss” – having not yet caught up with his rants elsewhere, I could not work out what he was going on about except that he seemed very upset about people criticising the Trumpkin who swipes right on women’s profiles when they specifically say they aren’t interested in Trumpkins. Which made me wonder whether he was that guy or at least someone who does the same.

    • Vel Venturi

      This. Hell, doesn’t the Fleshlight already exist? No waiting. Can’t they just take their portable cooches, and some Subway coupons or whatever, and go their own way already? We’re all waiting.

      • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

        When they go, the Conga line forms right behind me!

      • Stable Genius Jack

        You know, all men have portable cooches. They’re attached just below the wrist.

  • Jonny On Maui
    • tehbaddr

      Wanda is great. I bet though you wouldn’t many detachable pussies down on St. Mark’s place! That shit’s too precious, now peni…

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Well, this kitchen isn’t going to clean itself (sadly), so I guess I’ma have to do it. grumble mutter snarl kick dog mumble aw shucks grumble
    Exit, looking grumpy

    • miss_grundy

      Do NOT kick the dog! It isn’t the dog’s fault that the kitchen gets dirty!

      • Phried Ω

        That depends on what kind of snack the dog made last night.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Used every fucking pan in the house and just left ’em stacked in the sink.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    We need a “None of the above, try again”box

    Many states already have a “none of the above” or “none of these candidates” choice. However, in most (if not all) of those states even if that selection gets the most votes it can never actually win. Nevada has a “none of these candidates” choice. If it garners the most votes, then the actual person with the second-highest vote total wins the election.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I thought leaving a race blank when you were voting was none of the above.

  • coozledad

    The Americans, as usual, are pursuing old technology and getting left behind. The artificial asshole has turned out to be an utter failure as House Speaker.

    • Phried Ω

      But he seems so real. I’d never guess the Speaker is an artificial asshole.

  • Bigly smart jesterpunk

    Isn’t Artificial Pussy Riot Mike Huckabee’s pro Trump/ Putin evangelical band?

    • Ling Ling

      Artificial Christian

  • Skaarphy

    Doesn’t that read like Trump is admitting that he has Alzheimer’s?
    What else could he mean by “…and handled it well.”, and “So will I!”?

    And the “same problem” is what? That a “totally discredited author” wrote a “Fake Book” about Reagan? Doesn’t really make sense in the context, does it?

    I’m seriously, utterly convinced that this is it. An admission, inadvertantly or not.

    I’ve had to put up with the Fake News from the first day I announced that I would be running for President. Now I have to put up with a Fake Book, written by a totally discredited author. Ronald Reagan had the same problem and handled it well. So will I!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) 7. Januar 2018

    • miss_grundy

      It’s only fake because it is information that goes against his reality. Honestly, the next time he goes to Mar-a-Lago, Melania should have him admitted to a psychiatric institution for evaluation under the Baker Act. And this should be done as soon as possible. Is he scheduled to fly to Florida next weekend?

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      With that very big genius brain of his and his sterling ability to communicate, he might have be trying to say that Ronald Reagan was thought to be too old for a second term, but handled it with grace and humor (a couple of fortunate one liners, and btw grace and humor are not Trump traits).
      As it ended up, Reagan did have Alzheimer’s, so what an utterly stupid comparison.
      So a roundabout way of saying yes, you’re right. Sometimes I like to untangle Trump tweets the way other people like word puzzles.

    • Sekhmet1

      So we have a “Fake Book” now? Either it doesn’t exist or is not really a book but a doorstop or cunningly devised safe? That’s an interesting argument, Donnikins.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    The Swiss Are Working On An Artificial Vagina

    Great. I’m already tired of having somebody yell “Wrong hole, asshole!” at me.

    • SayItWithWookies

      That’ll be in version 2.0.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    dear Davy McDaverson,

    artificial vagina sex toys have been on the market for about 20 years. if you prefer it, there are also artificial buttholes. but they are from American and Japanese companies so my only guesses as to why you are waiting on the Swiss to go full MGTOW are that you don’t want even a chance that any non-white person may touch your v-hole or you object to them coming in pink, purple and blue because the MLP syndicate controls the market.

    tots and pears,
    satisfied GoodVibes customer

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I thought they’d already invented the artificial vagina and named it Swiss Miss

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Does it come with marshmallows?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        just add water!

        • tehbaddr

          Heh, “makes it’s own sauce”!

          • thixotropic jerk

            “It warms you up inside!”

    • guppy06

      The powder kinda chafes me…

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        you’re supposed to get it wet first

        • guppy06

          Still… working on that part…

  • eyelashviper

    Libertarians are pompous narcissists lacking the intellect and basic common sense to see the idiocy of their “beliefs”. Ayn Rand was an angry old fart, penning masochistic and misogynist porn that her minions tried to declare a “philosophy”, yet it is far more a psychiatric condition than any actual conglomerate of actual ideas.

    • Daniel

      “A simple-minded right-wing ideology ideally suited to those unable or unwilling to see past their own sociopathic self-regard.”- Iain Banks.

    • Michael R
      • eyelashviper

        Hmmm, there is such a resemblance between Ayn Rand and Rand Paul…maybe he was cloned like those mosquitoes in Jurassic Park?

        • Daniel

          You’re saying he was cloned from a bloodsucker? Nice.

      • Stable Genius Jack

        I blame her for a lot of this shit.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Let’s not forget Paul Ryan volunteering to be High Priest when the Republicans made a religion of this woman’s views.

      • altleftjohn

        Even worse, she fucked Alan Greenspan.

        • Ling Ling

          That must have been painful

          • Daniel

            To get over it he fucked everyone else.

      • mailman27

        Seems to me that if you can’t avoid the consequences of a thing, then you really can’t avoid the thing itself, either.

    • TJ Barke

      What’s really amazing about it is that they think everyone being as selfish as possible will somehow lead to less conflict in the world…

      • eyelashviper

        Blinded by their own self obsessions, they have no clue about much of anything.

      • Phried Ω

        You left out the part where they are the real victims of intolerance.

      • starfanglednut

        It’s similar reasoning to thinking more guns will keep us safe.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        It never occurs to them that everyone else will get to do whatever the hell they want as well, so the possibility exists that what one person wants to do will be at odds with what they want to do.

        The philosophy seems to boil down to: I get to do whatever I want, and everyone else gets to stay out of my way.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      part of the age old dog and and pony show of mankind’s eternal quest for an excuse to be a selfish prick

    • Stulexington
      • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

        Dobermanns will also criticize your taste in music.

    • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

      And sometimes people latch onto certain political leanings because they think it makes them cool and different and hip.

      • thixotropic jerk

        The only thing hip about Capt 70s are attached to his pelvis and no im not talking about his artificial libertarian mangina.

    • SadDemInTex

      And even worse….she was a bad writer.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        OMG. The Worst. I tried to read it. 1,500 pages. It wasn’t long into it I decided to go for 150. 10% seemed doable. Made it to Page 76.

        It had nothing to do with the stupid political and economic tripe. The woman was just a terrible, terrible writer on a very granular level.

        She couldn’t make sentences good.

    • mailman27

      American Brutalist prose.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I tried reading Atlas Shrugged. I’m convinced there’s a bookstore within walking distance of Paul Ryan’s office that carries the Cliffs Notes of that which is responsible for the owner’s nifty little boat on the Potomac.

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      cedar cheese?

    • Phried Ω

      I’m so sorry I clicked that.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Nope it’s Sunday!

  • Blanche de Shambles

    “Capt. Turk” totally isn’t a Russian bot. No siree.

    I can tell from the pixels.

    Also, if the Swiss really have invented an artificial vagina, they’re going to have to get in line behind the Fleshlight people, and literally any guy who’s been to prison.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Daniel

      But not before paying. Because it would have been terrible for the barman to have given them something for free.

      • little miss high and mighty

        Alway,
        Always
        Always M.U.F. a conservative.
        Cab, Bar, Coat check, restaurant whatevs- M:U:F: those bastards!

    • Daniel

      A Republican being influenced by a Russian to their own detriment and the harm of the nation? Surely not.

    • tehbaddr

      I love stories with a happy ending!

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      For once, not a better love story than Twilight.

      • Red Richmond

        Better ending though!

        • Shan

          Weren’t they dead at the end of Twilight, too? At least technically?

          • Daniel

            Teilight, an erotic novel told from the point of view of the tiny candles laid out in the bedroom to set the mood.

    • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn
    • Daniel

      But, stupid leftist, the invisible hand of the market means that the more people die the fewer people will go to that bar. So the owner will lose money until they start stocking non-tainted booze and then everyone will happily pay more because they know it won’t kill them immediately.

      When enough people die, the market will sort everything out- without any regulation at all!

      • Celtic_Gnome

        And our intrepid heroes will still be dead.

        Works for me. Unless I go to that bar also, too.

  • stablegeniusahughes798

    Well, if he was a vegan it would have been in his first sentence.

  • tehbaddr

    But, when the Swiss perfect an artificial vagina, who’s gonna make these fucktards sammiches ??? Hehn !!!

    • thixotropic jerk

      You hadn’t heard? When MGTOWS have “sex” with it a sammich comes out the other side (Swiss w/extra “mayo”)

  • Rick Hill

    “No, I don’t go along with either wing. I’m a libertarian,”

    So, he’s just sitting in his little delusions about perfect societies. Please, just go play with yourself at home or with your preferred chat group.

    • Daniel

      “I believe I’m a free thinker unconstrained by traditional left-right political designations who decides things for himself because a website that I liked said everyone who agreed with it was.”

      • weejee

        And the Oxycontin™ helps with this does it?

    • Jack Millwater

      And all this time I never knew that libertarians were the ultimate centrists.

      • guppy06

        “Self-centrists”

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Why, why, WHY would you take a selfie like that, much less let it go public?!?
    https://twitter.com/MollyJongFast/status/950080850275852300

    • Red Richmond

      SMRT!

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      He is showing off his latest nose hair trimming.

    • ralphteb

      Ben Affleck’s but double stand in

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Fuck! I owe you a Coke, the internet tax for not scrolling down.

    • theCryptofishist

      Dumb as enough bricks to build a house?

    • puredog

      Faux-Affleck?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      When they make the movie of Russiagate, Ben Affleck can play Don, Jr.

  • weejee

    (tRump) has decreased the nation debt by several trillion dollars.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/559d8ff9460a0447f049ff13dc8da1a9050fdf12debe5feea46f586f73100e85.png

    The maths are so hard.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Took a minute of googling to find out what RWNJ even stands for, lol! No, I don’t go along with either wing. I’m a libertarian, and really have no use for either party

    So he thinks RWNJ means Republican Wing Nut Job? Or that libertarians aren’t on the right?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/33b2a512674280d7a56134cdb21db229f39136d2f4a505cbbc4047af27f1eb7f.jpg

    • Daniel

      But then how will they know how independent a thinker he is?

      • Shan

        That’s what social media is for. My friends who wrote in for Bernie told EVERYONE all about it. And then when Trump won, they were out in the streets protesting.

        TOO LATE, BITCHEZ!

      • Zippy W Pinhead
    • Mike Minden

      Now, if having a “none of the above” option could actually result in a new election with different candidates…..that would get real interesting.

    • puredog

      Give him a break. He only spent a minute Googling. With his dial-up, that means he only got one hit, prolly. By the time it loaded enough to read, his minute was up.

  • ChumpsForTrump

    As much as we laugh at the idea of an artificial pussy, you have to admit that it bodes well for the next generation that these bitter chumps are using them.

    • Vacuous Virgina

      I think they’ll need detailed instructions on how to use it 😂😂😂

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        My guess… at least a few will try to wear them as hats.

      • ChumpsForTrump

        I think these guys are already expert masturbatorians.. if there’s an inanimate object, they have figured out how to apply it to the fapping arts.

        • Vacuous Virgina

          “masturbatorians” … so, so funny 😂😂😂

          However … don’t underestimate their cognitive dysfunction 😨😨😨

        • Celtic_Gnome

          The Swiss are making a fleshlight with a clitoris. If you can’t find it when you flip the power switch, it won’t work.

    • ralphteb

      Lets not encourage them to breed , natural selection is very effective

      • ChumpsForTrump

        I wonder if they realize that the only way to go full-on hardcore MGTOW, is castration.

  • Like Really Smart Radio

    Is “merchant marine captain” the new “I am a navy seal and have four Purple Hearts?” It made me laugh out loud, though, so that was awesome.

    And dude, it was Flavor-Ade. Duh. :)

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      This is my Canadian girlfriend

      (with an artificial vagina)

    • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn
      • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

        Pointed commentary, indeed.

    • JaveyDay

      Purple Hearts? Durple Sharts.

  • Jack Millwater

    Capt. Turk, like all libertarians, is a completely ill-informed, arrogant, lying idiot.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Isn’t that redundant?

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        Seems like more of a definition.

  • La forza del resistino

    President’s Day is coming up. Will Donald take a bow and thank his supporters for his greatest landslide (in his 1st try, no less) ever victory?

    • SeekingIndictmentBarbie

      He’ll castigate the MSM for not lauding him on Presidents Day, as is his due.

    • Holiday Bozi

      Soon to be renamed Trump’s Day.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi
  • Paperless Tiger

    Can it make a sammich?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The man is the only one I’ve ever come across that actually had his personal wealth decrease while in office

    Since he hasn’t released his taxes, we have no way to know if this is the case. Thanks for trying, troll!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Ya know, based upon the application of the very same principle they used on Obama, the day Donnie was sworn in, all 20 trillion dollars of debt became his fault.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    I couldn’t believe what I was reading from most of the comments. Then I looked at the various pop-ups. So you folks really are nuts.

    Listen Bub, flattery will get you nowhere with us.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      He is obviously not a fan of canned clams or those cakes we like.

      • OutOfOrbit

        wears pants, no doubt

        • puredog

          Probably two pairs at once, in a Bannon-homage.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    He has his crase moments

    Say, you know who else has his crase moments?

    • Bender Rodriguez?

      • msanthropesmr

        No, bender has *creasing* moments.

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Genghis Khanse?

    • SadDemInTex

      He really meant to spell it “craze” because he’s such a valley girl and he knows what “craze” moments feel like.

    • OrG

      Ted Cruz?

    • tehbaddr

      I Know! The answer MUST BE Hitler !!!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Sportsball OT
    Bortles v Taylor: hard to believe the score is so low.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Can’t decide which of these teams I want our Steelers to play next week. I hate Jacksonville, however, so there’s that at least.

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        I vote Bills. But only because it’s a real team, original AFL and not some made-up team. Have to confess though, the NHL and NBA are worse in that regard.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        they’re both just so boring…

      • Msgr_MΩment

        If the Bills win, they face New England.

        • Resistance Fighter Callyson

          Oops, my bad. Tennessee or Jax? Think I’ll go with the latter, if only to make up for the game we dropped against them during the regular season!

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            I think I’d go with the Titans- the odds of Mariota being able to successfully throw the game winning pass to himself two games in a row are astronomical

          • Msgr_MΩment

            You mean Tits vs Jagoffs.

        • Arolpin

          But if the Bills win, and then win the next two games, there is a chance they could meet the Vikings, which would probably mean that a meteor will hit the stadium, because neither of those teams can win a Super Bowl.

  • guppy06

    As a merchant marine captain

    As a merchant marine captain in the US you wouldn’t have a job at all if it weren’t for the Jones Act.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merchant_Marine_Act_of_1920

    “Thou shalt only use American-flagged ships crewed only by Americans” is about at anti-libertarian as you can get in a business regulation. The beloved free market has long ago decided against American shipping in all instances where the US government doesn’t outright require it.

    In other words, this guy is living up to all my expectations of an internet libertarian.

    • Ling Ling

      You are right about the Jones act, but the Jones act does not prohibit Americans from working aboard foreign flagged vessels.

      • guppy06

        It doesn’t prohibit it, but the free market would rather hire ten Filipinos rather than a single American, who might insist on things like worker protections. “Jobs Americans don’t want,” etc.

        • Ling Ling

          I got my Z card in 1979. We aren’t disagreeing, it is a difficult career. Work is where you find it. The big hole in this story is that American maritime employment is almost exclusively union. Stick that in your Ayn Rand.

          • theCryptofishist

            Call me old fashioned, but I don’t stick anything in my Ayn Rand. Its either going to die from a lack of affection, or make one of its followers attend to his physical needs.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out.

    If that invention means the MRA/MGTOW crowd will finally STFU, I’m all for it!

    • OrG

      Sorry, but none of these idiots, from tRump on down, have any when or even how to STFU.

  • Garbageman

    Dunno, these comments seem kinda tame compared with what we usually see. And let’s have more ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS, DAMMIT!!! . . . Tho I gotta admit, as a dirty old man, I’m kinda intrigued by them there ‘artificial vaginas.’ . . . I’ll be checking Amazon . . .

    • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

      THE SWESS R WORKING ON A ARTIFISHUL VUHJYYNAA!!!!@!@11!

      Is that better?

    • doktorzoom

      You go to Shitferbrains with the deleted comments you have, not the deleted comments you wish you had.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Another to add to the list of the reasons I left! As a merchant marine captain, I’ve traveled over more that half the world.

    Idiot! If you ventured into the other half, you’d be upside-down and you’d fall right off! http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/mobile/000/019/856/flat-earth.jpg

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • puredog

      Jame Gumb Libulz!

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    David’s utilization of the word “hereon” is tacky and contrived. He would have come across as almost SMRT if he used “herein” instead. But he chose to come across as A Idiot.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      “Hereon” sounds like a word you use when speaking to a Libertarian. For example, “Hereon Earth we live in reality.”

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        Just can’t spell his favorite drug.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          or his favorite bird

          • Daniel

            or the description of his favourite female protagonist.

          • theCryptofishist

            Let’s just say he minces his word salad very fine.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      It’s a habit he picked up as a SovCit.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Maybe he meant heroin? Makes as much sense.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • Invisible Bunyip

    Why does he need another option on the voting ballots for “none of the above”? USA voting is voluntary anyway, surely failing to turn up has the same effect.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I can only imagine what the incel Reddit’s gonna look like after the first dude gets rejected by the first artificial vagina.

  • Cosmic Owl 2

    Shiver me timbers!

    • (((Aron)))

      Yarrr!

  • Paperless Tiger

    I haven’t killed any Trump supporters either, but I don’t know if it’s tolerance or restraint.

  • tehbaddr

    “I have several friends that”… is usually the start of a statement from an an intolerant asshole of some sort, also, too!

    • (((Aron)))

      I’m not racist, but!

    • theCryptofishist

      One of our lawyers…

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      people are saying…

    • Kooolest G

      I have several friends that think most of your friends are assholes?

    • puredog

      “I have several friends that are blah, and the rest of them are jooze.”

  • Swampay

    Perhaps 1/10 of a percent of the US is more intelligent than I am. The logical implication of the above is that no one will buy what you are selling.

    True story. When I was in second or third grade they made me take an IQ test. My mom felt that if they told me how high my number had been I’d get all arrogant and shit. That’s right, my IQ is UNLISTED, motherfucker.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      My mom didn’t find out what my brother and I scored because she didn’t want to feel that she wasn’t “in control.”

      Yep, that’s right. A grown adult woman refused to learn the IQs of her 7 year old children because she couldn’t bear the thought that she wasn’t fully dominant in the relationship.

      Mom and I are not close.

      • (((Aron)))

        :’(

    • Shan

      My parents told me mine and I’ve been all arrogant and shit ever since.

      • Swampay

        Yeah, I was totally fooled by the fact that I always scored at the top of the class. I managed to find my own ways to be arrogant. But my arrogance was confused by the fact that I believed that “people won’t like you if they think you think you’re smarter than them” Sigh.

        • Shan

          My parents raised me to be proud of it, so I’m grateful for that.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          I can confirm it as fact. When I was in high school they actually stopped publishing the honor roll because it served as an unintentional doxing or enemies list for who the bullies would target as prey.

          • Swampay

            Oooh, that sucks. Here’s to the good old bad old days.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Mine’s in hex. I’d tell you what it is, but you wouldn’t understand it.

    • Hesavebread!

      My older brother has never got over the fact that I scored higher than him. I’m 56. But my IQ is higher than that.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      I had to take one in a counselor’s office once, because I tried to kill myself due to being bullied for being an honors student. All it did was make me even more depressed, because junior high school is no place for anyone with a score in the triple digits. Let alone high hundreds. I actually once asked my mother if there was a diet plan that would lower my IQ on the scale. These morans who brag about their IQs are the same ones who mercilessly tortured the actual smart kids whose worst fear was being found out lest they get crammed in their lockers or have to sit on the floor in the cafeteria. Even the Graun (albeit with a sarcastic mockery of Trump) admits that being bigly smart is a curse.

      • Swampay

        A toast to your survival

  • Jamoche

    “Yep, it was the ADVERTISEMENTS (which we don’t actually have) that made clear we were a bunch of commies.”

    It’s the pseudo-cyrillic on the Warren shirt, obvs.

    • proudgrampa

      JOIN THE WONKETARIAT! is definitely a Red Flag.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    What I look for in a vagina is fine Swiss cockwork.

  • WIDTAP

    Ah, “David” – An NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement) doesn’t actually protect your money from your dates. They could still sue you for child support, should you get them pregnant. All an NDA will do for you in this case is penalize your date if she tells everyone else what a small and inconsiderate lover you are.

    Might I suggest a good book on technique and use of condoms, instead.

    • puredog

      pinkie cheaters

  • eyelashviper

    Just wait until these MRA Pepe Boys discover that the first artificial vaginas contain a measuring device….steel teeth slam shut if ya don’t measure up…

  • lucidamente

    I think I know someone who has pre-ordered that fine Swiss product:

    • theCryptofishist

      But he’s one man with the flexibility to do without!

  • toughsister

    Saying that libertarianism is 100% nonsense is like saying that a pebble tossed up is bound to fall back, or that “dogs bark because they’re dogs” (headline quoted on Jay Leno’s Tonight show). In other words, a truism. What do libertarians want? A society with no rules (other than the Law of the jungle)? How is that going to make for a better life for all? Ayn Rand’s admirers have proven themselves, over and over again, as juvenile idiots. Calling her a “philosopher” is as best a sick joke, at worst a cynical con job.

    • eyelashviper

      She is as much a “philosopher” as is Richard Spencer, David Duke, Paul Ryan, et al.

      • Daniel

        She was able to come up with a set of inconsistent and self serving rules to validate her own intense selfishness and narcissism, and she was able to do this with mathematical symbols and liberal use of the word “axiom”. This is all that’s needed for a philosophy once philosophy is stripped of meddlesome regulation by philosophers and the literate.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        all she proved is that Republicans have been getting seduced by Russian propaganda for decades

        • Daniel

          That’s a far better version of a joke I tried to make earlier.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            I wish it were just a joke

    • Daniel

      I’d say calling her a philosopher is at best a product of gross ignorance about what a philosopher actually is and what makes a philosophy actually intellectually sound.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Not to mention if they had any devotion to the Libertarian philosophy they’d have to refuse to drive on roads, walk on sidewalks, visit parks or libraries, take a bus… Oh I forgot drink water. Pretty miserable existance.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    NBC headline: Lindsey Graham a hard ‘no’ on joining Trump administration

    Can a brother buy a hyphen here?

    https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/lindsey-graham-hard-no-joining-trump-administration-n835376

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Miss Lindsay likes it hard.

    • Paperless Tiger

      That Titanic has sailed.

    • Kooolest G

      that was just a typo, he meant to say “Lindsey Graham a hard ‘ON’ on joining Trump administration

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Graham is not a large hardon colluder. Got it.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      TRANSLATION: “I’m willing to suck the shit from Donnie’s overlarge ass in front of the whole world for that SoS job”

  • Cosmic Owl 2

    Libertarians are silly bunts.

  • wavicles

    I think the Capt. means that people thought that Clump had wealth but now realize he’s probably deep in debt; financially, morally, cognatively, with St Peter, with St Petersburg… you name it.

  • Capt Turk: “She has shown herself to be the ultimate sleaze bag, and crook, from the time I first heard of her.”

    They say this over and over and over and over without a single shred of legitimate evidence. No indictments, no convictions, not even a civil judgement – and the Republicans have spent millions of dollars LOOKING. Just fucking admit that you hate hate HATE HER, so the rest of us can ignore you.

    Actually, we stopped paying attention to you the moment you used the word “Hitlery”. STFU.
    ~~~
    “David R”: “The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out.”

    A) Every sex store in the country sells variations on these already.
    B) The chances that you don’t know this already are hilariously low.
    C) The same stores sells artifical penii. Not looking good for YOU there, Dave.

    ~~~

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Bill Burr is one of my favorite comedians but his irrational hatred for HRC never made any sense. The RW conspiracy was just so successful against her from the beginning.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      They where hoping that some woman would say “no dont buy a sex toy when real women are around”. But it never works the way they think it does then they blame women for being mean to them.

    • Jennaratrix

      I’m all for David R. making sweet, sweet love to an artificial vagina if it’ll save even one woman from having to deal with him on a personal basis. So I don’t see how that comment of his is any kind of threat.

      • Sheepshagger

        “I will withhold my essence ! For real, don’t test me!”

  • Sheepshagger

    Stephen Miller really is a terrible little bitch isn’t he? I’ve never seen a better target market for artificial vaginas than him.

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    The racist elf continues to be an asshole:

    As a #disabled American, I am horrified⬇️#AmericanDisabilityAct helps millions of people gain access & prevents discrimination. There should be NO confusion!They're trying to repeal our #Healthcare & now THIS.#NoMore pic.twitter.com/OXDE3mZ8km— Peter Morley (@morethanmySLE) January 7, 2018

    • Paperless Tiger

      Kicking crutches for Jesus, what a movement.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      First they came for the cripples…

  • Bub, the like, cynical zombie
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      the difference between smart and low cunning

      Donnie is the latter

      • guppy06

        Less “cunning runt” and more of a…

        • Daniel

          Twat.

          • guppy06

            More twat? Don’t mind if I do!

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      O Canada, as always, you’re much too polite.

      No, he really is a fuddle-duddling moron.

      • guppy06

        It’s the Globe and Mail. If Murdoch owned a Canadian newspaper, this would be the one.

  • calliecallie

    OT. Ever since the little bit of Gilbert and Sullivan yesterday, I have been thinking about reposting this video, which some one put up here many years ago. Still a hoot.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkJdEFf_Qg4

  • Bigly smart jesterpunk

    There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”

    John Rogers

    • amrak63

      I read both in 10th grade.

      I wonder why Rogers used orcs as his example, rather than hobbits? I would expect that more non-fans of Tolkien would know what hobbits are than what orcs are.

      • Bigly smart jesterpunk

        Orcs have been in more books and movies then hobbits have.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          And video games.

      • Phried Ω

        Orcs: imaginary race of humanlike creatures, characterized as ugly, warlike, and malevolent.

        In other words, Republicans.

  • calliecallie

    Those guys when will be sorry when the artificial vaginas hook up with Skynet.

    • Daniel

      Sperminator.

    • Sheepshagger

      “Come with me if you vant to jack off”

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        so to speak…

    • DrBigHead

      The NBC affiliate in Tucson has a network of traffic cameras around the city that they have dubbed “Skynet”. I have always wondered of they giggled when they did this.

    • Ling Ling

      “Alexa, start pleasuring”

  • Bigly smart jesterpunk

    Jared is making money from Israel while he is “negotiating” with them. Is anyone surprised the Trump administration is all about making themselves money?

    https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/01/07/business/jared-kushner-israel.html?referer=

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I’d be surprised if he wasn’t

      • theCryptofishist

        Apart from the fact that I’m surprised when any of that troop makes money, me, also, too.

    • Paperless Tiger

      NYT says this is not a conflict of interest either. WTF is?

      • Bigly smart jesterpunk

        Having a vagina?

      • Daniel

        Something that won’t jeopardise their access.

    • Gosala

      With all the focus on Russia, sometimes the corruption angle gets lost. Too bad because it’s as worrisome as the Russia stuff.

      • Bigly smart jesterpunk

        I am pretty sure Mueller is also looking into this stuff too. But congress wont do shit unless Dems get a majority of both the house and senate.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Fuck him and fuck Bibi. They’re treating a 16-year-old girl like a terrorist mastermind because she gave a deserving slap to some Mossad thug.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Liddle’ Baby Donnie is eagerly looking forward to grabbing that Swiss artificial vagina.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Hey, I don’t agree with everything Bernie says or does, but thinking that he somehow sounds less sane than Trump is… madness.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Obviously

  • Gosala

    Interesting thing about smrt people is that they can actually be more subject to confirmation bias than the rest of us because they use their smrts to cherry pick and distort any evidence they encounter.

    Or so a smrt person once told me. Being an unstable idiot, I wouldn’t know.

    • Daniel

      I find this easy to believe for a number of reasons I could explain, but also largely because I already thought it before you said it.

      • Sheepshagger

        Man I’ve forgotten more than you will ever know about confirmation bias. I’m absolutely certain of that.

    • dshwa

      Smart people are prone to the same biases that everyone else is. A person who thinks they’re smart (whether they are or not) is more likely not to realize they’re caught up in bad thinking.

      • Gosala

        I find knowing I’m not smart is a real advantage. I know I’m probably wrong; so I ask myself, “How am I wrong? “

        • dshwa

          Smart people do the same thing, wondering “is there more I don’t know?”

  • Red Bird

    Hereon?

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Is a helluva drug.

      • Sheepshagger

        Krokidil hereon.

      • Stay away from the blue hereon.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      It’s a common English word for non-native speakers.

    • Jennaratrix

      It’s how he shows he’s, like, wicked smart. By using “big” words. If we were smart like him, we’d know that.

    • Phried Ω

      Some kind of water fowl isn’t it?

    • ((( Augustus )))

      Per se.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Et cetera and so on.

      • Red Bird

        As the covfefe hereon stated.

  • Shrieking Harpy

    David R is anxiously awaiting delivery of his shiny new Swiss Army Knife with its added vagina tool. Being a tool, himself, he’ll likely be in multi-tool heaven.

    • Kooolest G

      my swiss army vagina has a pussy hole, an asshole, a mouth hole, and scissors that fold out so it can do the lebanese sex with another swiss army vagina

      • Daniel

        And a part for cleaning horse’s hooves.

        • theCryptofishist

          Ah the MLP Leatherman. Cased in fur, you know. Purple, yellow, pink, etc., and a special on in scales.

  • Sheepshagger

    It’s not normal for the CIA director to go on TV and give a full throated defence of the president on political issues is it? This shit is getting pretty severely weird. https://twitter.com/kingstonareif/status/950077099896864770

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      “but we’re still going to fuck these people over with our taxscam” Like these fuckers care about blue states. I hope one day Pompeo will be covered in lava from Mt Vesuvius.

    • Mike Minden

      Another Ragnorok “christian” rooting for the rapture to hurry up and get here.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      No its not normal, nothing with this administration is normal and I wish news organizations would stop trying to normalize it.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Is it normal for a CIA Director to threaten thermonuclear war?

      • Sheepshagger

        Lemme just check for a moment…..

        No. What the fuck is happening?

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      What about TOPEKA?

      • Sheepshagger

        Fuck them rubes.

        Shit did I say that out loud?

        • Shan

          I didn’t vote for him. Does that make me not a rube?

      • Raan

        It’s hot…in To-pe-ka.

        • guppy06

          You toe picker!

    • ariel_gee_398

      Normal? No. But not unexpected when the only job requirement for the position is loyalty to the dumbass ostensibly in charge.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      This is what happens when you put hacks in where career government employees need to be.

    • VirGinYa

      He has the same neck pouch Donnie does. That’s where they store their MAGA nuts.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      This man truly must belong to the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Yahoo Sirius.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          That’s Verizon AOL Time Warner Disney-Pixar Microsoft Yahoo XM Sirius to you!

  • Bananas Foster

    Many people have been saying that I am one of the two smartest people on Earth.

    I’ll let you guess you who the other one is.

  • Hesavebread!

    If this is a commie blog then this anarcho-syndicalist is the fuck out of here.

    • Sheepshagger

      POUM!

      • Hesavebread!

        Trotsky fascist!

    • Daniel

      Then everyone else will have to leave too.

      • Blanche de Shambles

        Only if there is consensus.

        • Daniel

          ONE OUT ALL OUT!

        • puredog

          I’m holding out for a widespread general consensus of opinion.

          • Daniel

            Bonnie Tyler was far more of a working class firebrand in her early years.

  • As a merchant marine captain, I’ve traveled over more that half the world.

    Child slaves ain’tn’t gonna deliver themselves.

    • Nounverb911

      Even the land bits? Isn’t that tough on the bottom paint?

      • Jamoche

        It’s how you get the barnacles off. That’s why there’s a naval station in the middle of the Mojave – they run the ships up there every so often.

  • Raan
    • Mike Minden

      Putting catsup on it converts it to a Trumpsty.

      • Raan

        Fuck that and fuck him.

    • Sheepshagger

      Not the pasties I was looking for.

    • Daniel

      You want brown sauce with that.

  • shivaskeeper

    Why Swiss artificial vaginas? Swiss precision. The only other country that could match the Swiss would be Germans. Swiss precision vice German engineering.

    Woe be to the womenfolk if the Swiss and the Germans ever combine their research into this field. You will be superfluous at that point.

    • Daniel

      Hence Austria.

    • Msgr_MΩment
      • Shan

        Looks like someone already did.

        • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

          Looks like a couple of doubleheaders.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        AAUGH! The trypophobe’s least favorite kind of cheese! HIDE MEDIA!

      • Gosala

        Where did you get a picture of my brain?

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Somehow, the idea of a vag with severe militaristic precision is less sexy than one might expect.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        OTOH, no first strike.

      • Sheepshagger

        What about a landing strip though?

      • shivaskeeper

        That is outweighed by the no judgement neutrality. You have to think these things through.

      • theCryptofishist

        So, who do you want building your artificial vagina? The Italians?

        • Daniel

          To be fair, those things look fantastic.

          • Shan

            But they break down all the time and are really expensive to repair.

          • Catstro, Very Stable Genius

            And you can only get it serviced at the dealership or you void the warranty

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            And customized ones…

          • eggs ackly-wright

            Don’t bother with the undercoating.

          • IdiotsforPalin

            But does it connect via Bluetooth?

          • Daniel

            But everyone envies you for having one.

          • shivaskeeper

            Less expensive ones fall apart when the ride gets bumpy.

          • Daniel

            They’re working on changing that to fewer.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          The Mexicans: adobegina.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          well the Japanese will find a way to build them smaller, much to the relief of the MGTOWs

          IYKWIM

          • Marion in Savannah

            I think we all SWYDT.

      • Shan

        That’s one of the reasons why I stopped doing Kegels with weights.

        • Daniel

          I know it’s not, but this sounds really painful.

      • Adam Field

        Great, now I have Finest Girl stuck in my head again, thanks a lot.

        (This girl requested intercourse to bring her to climax / With the clinical efficiency of the assassination of Bin Laden)

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr9Kaa1sycs

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Naw, the Germans will over engineer it and it will cost to much. Best to work with the French since they invented the tickler.

      • Paperless Tiger

        And the Griddler. Sammiches, bitches!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          And letters!

    • Grumpy Twat

      They’ll be popping babbies out like clockwork!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        What are yo? Cuckoo?

    • Courser_Resistance

      Yeah, I live in terror.

      • shivaskeeper

        As well you should.

    • Beelzebubba

      They must be stopped NOW. When vast armies of ubervaginas are on the march, it will be too late to regret our inaction.

      • Jamoche

        Uber vaginas? Uber’s already enough of a douchebro, don’t give them any ideas.

        • theCryptofishist

          Somehow “douchebro vaginas” makes my mind do bendy things.

        • Beelzebubba

          You use an app to make them come. It sure sounds convenient.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Gee our old Pussalle ran great…

  • Bananas Foster

    Just forced myself to watch the Tapper/Miller interview.

    Miller has the personality (and complexion) of generic kitty litter.

    • Nounverb911

      Used generic kitty litter.

      • Bananas Foster

        Used kitty litter has successfully fulfilled a purpose.

        Something Miller will never accomplish.

        • Me not sure

          Both, however, are full of shit.

    • Sheepshagger

      He reminds me of every shithead lawyer I’ve ever known. The ones who think being an argumentative cunt is the beginning and end of the gig.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        He seems to think that whoever talks loudest and longest wins.

    • Phried Ω

      Looks startlingly like a young Roy Cohn.

    • Wookie Monster

      And a head shaped like an old dildo.

    • Edith Prickly, Stable Genius

      Watching Tapper get fed up, tell Miller “this story is for an audience of one” then straight up say I’m not wasting my viewers time on this, BYE FELICIA was worth sitting through Miller’s verbal diarrhea stream.

    • Mary Theresa

      If someone did this to Hannity, they’d be calling their head. When was the last time Lumpy even had a dem representative on his show?

    • Shrieking Harpy

      The clumping or non-clumping kind of kitty litter?

  • Adam Field

    To be fair, minus the voting for Trump part, I totally agree with the guy – I’d rather vote for Satan himself than Trump, but Hillary pretty much sucked as our other option (who I obviously voted for anyway). I feel like that’s been the two choices for the majority of the presidential elections I’ve been able to vote for: a Republican candidate that was repugnant in every possible way, and a Democratic candidate I didn’t care for that much either, they were just way better than the alternative, which didn’t say much. (Obama was by *far* the best candidate I’ve had the opportunity to vote for in a general election, but I still wasn’t as much of a fanboy as a lot of people were, either time. Though he wasn’t that bad, by comparison anyway.) We really absolutely *do* need a “please try again” option, also known as “there being more than two viable parties” – that would fix *so* much that’s wrong with our current system.

    That said, he’s still an idiot if he thinks Hilary was a sleaze bag and Bernie has dementia, but had zero issues voting for Trump, who is the ultimate sleazebag *and* likely has dementia.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Hillary only sucked because the media and Rs falsely portrayed her that way and you obviously bought it hook, line and sinker.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      What didnt you like about Hillary?

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        Her artificial vagina, duh!

        • theCryptofishist

          She was born in Switzerland! I demand to see the long-from Illinois birth certificate!

      • Paperless Tiger

        Whatever the Russians sublimated into the news.

      • rosenbomb

        Any time I have encountered someone who says they don’t like Hillary, they actually don’t have a well-reasoned argument. It’s usually bullshit pushed by the media (but the Clinton Foundation is corrupt!) or sexist nonsense sort of veiled by a non-sexist comment (she will send us to war!). Her policies rarely enter the conversation. -___-

        • Sheepshagger

          I know lots of people here who hate HATE her. Never able to give one coherent reason. And absolutely were not fooled by media manipulation, oh no. And not sexist either, not at all. They just despise her for very valid reasons that they cannnot articulate.

        • Bigly smart jesterpunk

          Right, same here. I just want to see if they actually have a reason or if its bullshit like most other anti Hillary stuff.

          • rosenbomb

            Yep. Which is why I appreciate your simple question. Let’s see if there is an answer to be had.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      The problem is that what we do have for third parties don’t do the necessary work at the local and state level to build themselves up. They run a few candidates here or there, but there is no systematic attempt to build a third party, and when parties fracture the opposition takes advantage (see Paul LePage in Maine).

    • shivaskeeper

      The only thing stopping other viable parties is the other parties don’t want to put in the time, work, and money to build themselves up to national level party. Instant gratification or nothing.

      • Phried Ω

        Media that is driven by clicks and ratings that reflect sensationalism and “controversy”. I thought none of the 17 or so Republican candidates could appeal to a broad segment of the population but the worst of them got the most coverage.

        Democrats should note that rote repeating your website’s URL to find out what they plan and think is not a winning tactic.

        • shivaskeeper

          The media treatment is a newer wrinkle to be sure, but that still does not address the third parties who don;t want to do the work of being a national level party but still wanting the big prize.

          • Phried Ω

            That almost describes the DNC.

          • shivaskeeper

            Or the other 40 third parties in the country.

        • SeekingIndictmentBarbie

          It’s so funny that trump claims he won over a field of highly qualified candidates who were actually only a shade less repulsive than he.

        • Beelzebubba

          Seventeen candidates appealing to seventeen different constituencies. (Black guy, check. Theocrat, check. Woman, check. Libertarian, check. Bush, check…)
          Then along came one dingaling to rule them all.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        TBF a first past the post election system discourages third parties and the two we have now have done everything they can to keep them from happening. That being said- it’s not impossible, you just have to avoid single issue political platforms and cults of personality.

        • shivaskeeper

          There are far more than two third parties. Libertarians and Greens aren’t the only ones. Independents are another and according to Wiki there are 39 other parties registered at the national level. They range from extreme far left Socialists to extreme far right Fascists. 12 of those parties have international affiliations as well.

          Not one of them, including the big three want to put in the time to build a national powerhouse.

          As for the first past the line/winner take all system discouraging them, that’s my point. Most of them want the glory of the big win without putting in the years or decades or grinding scut work needed to give them a shot a the big win.

          • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

            Plus, while a new third party or a growing third party will draw in disaffected voters there is still the fact that any new party will siphon off votes from the major party it is most closely aligned with. A more conservative party will pull from the GOP’s right flank, while a more progressive party will pull from the Dem’s left. In the long-term, there would only be one survivor. In the short term, it dilutes the opposition to the party not being drained.

          • shivaskeeper

            I don;t really see that as a problem in the long term.* If it forces closely aligned parties to work together to achieve things that is fine with me. No side will get all of what they want, but they will get closer to their own stated goals.

            *This is based on the passing sanity of the major parties. We are not there right now as the GOP has lost it’s collective shit.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            GMTA we said nearly the same thing

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            The Libertarians and Greens are the two most successful third parties and have done the most to try to build a national platform. The others are generally either fringe extremists or too narrowly focused to be taken seriously, even if they were to make the effort to do it right. Plus, the other somewhat successful attempts were all driven by a charismatic leader and were all doomed because they were cults of personality- see Ross Perot.

            It should also be noted that the Greens weren’t even a national party until after Nader’s 1996 run. From 2000 onward they have morphed into a cult of personality, first with Nader then Stein. In the process, they’ve become less serious and will likely devolve back to splintered local parties that serve as a proxy for lefties dissatisfied with the DNC the same way as the Libertarian party serves as a proxy for Republicans dissatisfied with the RNC on the right. Of the two, I’d have to give the Libertarians more credit for trying to build a grassroots party that has an actual platform to distinguish itself from the main two, as opposed to the Greens, whose platform seems to be “we’re more progressive than you and hate the mainstream left”.

          • shivaskeeper

            I think it’s only a matter of time before the Tea Party splinters off the main GOP. Their platform can be “We’re just like the cruelest parts of the GOP with added Jesus”.

            It doesn’t matter if the rest of them are fringe, or not able to appeal to a wider audience. They are there. They have the same opportunities. They can craft their message and put in the time and money. They don’t. That is not the fault of the Dems and the DNC or the GOPers and the RNC. That is all on them.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Agreed- the system definitely puts them at a disadvantage, but it’s not impossible. The biggest problem is that a third party necessitates pulling people from the party most ideologically aligned with you, thereby giving the other party the advantage in the next few elections. Witness our constant harping on the purity ponies- there’s a lot of inertia to stay within the big tent of half the two party system, rather than split it and allow the other half to win.

            That’s why I’ve always said that there’s nothing inherently wrong with supporting a third party- you just have to be smart about it and know when and where it’s beneficial and when it’s not. Sure, voting Green when the alternative might be a Romney or McCain is justifiable- I wouldn’t do it, but I’d consider it a defensible decision. But the fact that so many chose to do so when the likely outcomes were so extreme and the consequences so severe is beyond me. Principles? Great! But why now, all of a sudden when the stakes were so high? Maybe you should be more a discerning voter than to be swayed by whatever meme was last posted on your faceplace wall…

          • theCryptofishist

            I admit my former strategy of “vote to the person to the left of who you think will win” wou.dn’t have worked in ’16.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Depends- during the primary it did

          • shivaskeeper

            There is one group your are leaving out. The 50% or so who don’t vote for whatever reason. The most common excuse is none of the parties speak for me or similar. Third parties scan try to get them as well.

            I also did say the passing sanity of the opposition party you are trying to challenge is part of the equation.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            the nonvoters kill- they’ve completely let themselves be brainwashed into thinking it doesn’t matter (though to be fair, some of them are being disenfranchised)

          • shivaskeeper

            Whatever their reasons they are are a vast untapped bloc. Some of them are not going to vote no matter who is running and that is their choice. Some don;t have the time. Some don’t care, some are disenfranchised. Some have a valid reason.

            I dind’t vote until I got out of the Army in 2013. I was too young to vote when I reported, and after that I felt I should be nonpartisan for federal level seats, and for the local and state races why should I burden the locals with my vote when I’ll be leaving in a year or two, or why should I vote in the home of record state I don’t live in and have no intention of ever living in again? To me this was a reasonable position to hold. That of course changed when I retired.

            That vast majority of the ones I have met are waiting for that perfect candidate. The minority parties can reach out to them, but they don’t. They can start out at local school board and small town level, but they don’t.

      • THIS. Fucking Greens. Get back to me when you win ONE seat, anywhere, doing any goddamn thing.

        • shivaskeeper

          There are far more than the Greens.

          • Same for them, but the Greens get the most press for no reason other than destroying Democrats.

            I donate to the Working Families Party who have support in New York State. They help Dem candidates actuallly win, there.

          • shivaskeeper

            Regional parties are a different animal completely. I have no issue with them at all. I would have a problem with the Working Families Party if the decided to run a Presidential Candidate in 2020 without doing the groundwork. Just like the fucking Greens do every time.

          • Which they haven’t chosen to do,, so we’re still cool.

    • Sheepshagger

      Hillary didn’t suck. The left base are pathetic in America. They apologise for their own candidates. Get some fucken balls, like she has.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      i appreciate the straightforward explanation – for whatever reason, I’m personally not talented at dreaming up new ideas to old problems, but this to me was important:

      “a Republican candidate that was repugnant in every possible way, and a Democratic candidate I didn’t care for that much either”

      repugnant in every way possible vs. I didn’t care that much for either.

      I’m glad you did the right thing – but many people didn’t…esp. given the important of the presidency in terms of economy, foreign policy (including war), regulations, and on and on and on

      • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

        yeah, this right here; it infuriates me that grown-ass adults won’t vote unless the candidate 100% aligns with their beliefs.
        as I grew up hearing from my father, “this is not a perfect world.”
        It’s part of adulting to work with what you’ve got instead of pining away for perfection.
        I discovered YEARS ago that the perfect candidate for me does NOT exist (my perfect candidate would be a little to the left of Paul Wellstone), so I grew the fuck up & I vote for the best possible candidate. and I vote every chance I get.
        and then I work at the local level to try to push the Dems to the left, even if it’s by increments.
        it’s not a difficult concept.
        geez.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          i really don’t understand it, but I guess my choices in life have given me great experiences at mitigating damage.

          “You can either let this approaching grass fire reach you and kill you slowly and painfully or jump in this pond.”
          “BUT I’LL GET WET!!”

          sigh.

        • shivaskeeper

          They scream about compromise being the devil. No compromise ever on anything. Except for the never ending litany of compromise they have to do on literally every other aspect of their lives. Those compromises are good, just not the one when they vote.

    • Kooolest G

      if we had a parliamentary system where voting for a 3rd party wasn’t just throwing away your vote, then we would have a much more involved electorate. which would be great for the green party but also great for the american nazi party

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        Then we need a Parliamentary system that also too includes Section 86 of the German criminal code. TL;DR “Nazis R bad m’kay”.

  • Nounverb911
    • dshwa

      This really is the worst timeline.

    • Ms.MLike,Genius on Maui

      Look, I know he almost decapitated his wife, after abusing her for years, and stabbed a perfect stranger to death, but he sure could play sportsball back in the day!

      • Raan

        And did you see him in the Naked Gun movies?

    • Beelzebubba

      Bad enough that he exists and walks among us.
      What’s more depressing is that he has friends happy to be photographed with him.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors
  • Me not sure

    I’ve heard it called “jelly roll” in the blues vernacular. Will it now become “Swiss roll”? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/092193a3b136963a14ddd92dd374d5f10a17fca5ec896c7bbef3c029457c6ce0.jpg

    • Jonny On Maui

      That, my dear sir, is a Hoho with a thyroid problem…

      • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

        It’s a HoHo for the HoWhole class

  • Nounverb911

    HMMMM! Doesn’t Murdoch own the London Times?

    https://twitter.com/DearAuntCrabby/status/950097958254665728

    • Sheepshagger

      Money is money.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      “Crisis in teacher recruitments?” Fuck, I’ll sign up to teach in the UK!

      • Paperless Tiger

        If I can remember my English …

      • Sheepshagger

        God speed. It’s more like welcome to the jungle than good night mr chips.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The lion and unicorn media have spoken.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      So Murdoch, Ailes, and Bannon have a bit of a love-hate thing going on…

    • guppy06

      Writing about Trump means they can get out of writing about May for another day.

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      I can’t seem to enlarge this image. Does the photo caption say: “QUAK! QUAK! QUAK!”?

  • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

    I hope it’s just DSFB #1’s VPN that’s in Canada. They have enough Deplorebel Media wingnuts in the Crapper coalition as it is.

    Also, these DSFBs really need to be compiled into a “Best of” (or “worst of”) book. I mean, if Shit My Dad Says can be a bestseller and a (short-lived) Shatner sitcom then DSFB should be a compilation too. Like “Bushisms” but from the shitbrained base.

  • Kryptonian Canis

    Speaking as a former lion tamer and astronaut cowboy, I can tell you that those libertarian merchant marine captains don’t know shit.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Thanks for your service.

    • Left Coast Tom

      How hard is it to launch cows into space?

      • theCryptofishist

        You need a really big catapult.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          or a really long cannon

          • theCryptofishist

            And a mountain of gun powder.

        • eggs ackly-wright

          Catapults are for cats only. Them’s the rules.

          • Phried Ω

            Cowtapults then. Or Cattlepults.

          • Naytch

            https://youtu.be/YV0LGMGuLN0

            Edit: Nvm,missed it downthread!

          • guppy06

            Cats have enough weaponry as is.

      • Kryptonian Canis

        The hard part is getting them to sit still long enough so you can put their helmets on.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        I’m in udder disbelief at your attempts to milk this for laughs.

        • amrak63

          Cheesy, isn’t he?

          • Msgr_MΩment

            Whey ahead of ya.

      • amrak63

        Tradition says there was at least one cow who could jump over the Moon all by herself.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Ask the aliens. The tricky part is catching them.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          The aliens usually disembowel…

        • Courser_Resistance

          The early attempts were unsuccessful and resulted in the creepy cattle mutilations.

          • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

            We haven’t had a cattle mutilation in a long time. And now the chupracabra is doing Turbotax commercials on Univision.

      • wait! what?
        • JaveyDay

          La vache des etoiles.

    • Ling Ling

      Self medication not help

  • WeaselPoo

    OT but indulge me:

    n light of Fire and Fury details, and past knowledge, see if this makes sense:
    What Really Happened
    1) The Setup
    GOP shocked by scale and demographics of Obama win—GOP looking at possible permanent Minority Party status, vow to make Obama a one term President (McConnell).
    Tea Party created and promoted via Koch’s, FOX, Sinclair etc, encouraged to bolster GOP opposition to Obama.
    Tea Party poltical neophtye candidates backed by RNC win mid term elections and drive uncompromising opposition agenda.
    Despite extreme effort by GOP Obama wins second term. Tea Party fave Palin fizzles out, TP bloc begins to look not as useful as before, but establishment GOP candidates now threatened in primaries from their own Tea Party creation.
    2016 GOP Presidental candidate field is huge: Bachmann, Paul, Fiorina, Cain meant to keep Tea Party voters interested, Santorum for Evangelicals, Cruz, Perry, Bush meant for conventional Republicans and one of them intended for White House shot. Trump is considered a joke —by EVERYONE (GOP, Dems, press and pundits) but good for free airtime and voter energy. The ‘autopsy’ that required outreach to blacks and hispanics for electoral success is quickly ignored and forgotten.
    Trump himself is only interested in the show, the publicity, the grifting opportunity and can blame all others in self satisfying martyrdom when he loses to HRC.
    BUT, Trumo invigorates the Tea Party voters and prosperity evangelicals (Bachmann, Fiorina just women, Cain is black, Santorum, Perry, Bush Paul, are boring and establishment, Cruz and Rubio boring and hispanic. Trump is a Teabagger sexist bigot idiot’s unapolgetic ideal.
    The huge original candidate field diluted conventional Repub interest and Trump exploited that.
    Establishment GOP now NEEDS Trump…NOT to win the White House, but to use his coatails to maintain the majority in Congress so they can hobble HRC presidency.
    The Convention Pivot
    Remember the establishment GOPers were openly disgusted at being forced to have Trump as their candidate—because they didn’think he could win the WH but they needed him to keep congressional power.
    And THEN TRUMP FORCED THE MAGNITSKY SANCTIONS PIVOT INTO THE OFFICIAL PLATFORM. WHY?
    This would be where Trump and his team may have revealed their Russian connections—adopt the repeal of Magnitsky, and Putin will help win the WH by hacking DNC, HRC and using ‘anonymous’ organic social media spread propaganda and disinformation—outsourced and seemingly untraceable, a more high tech version of Freedomworks astroturfing. Establishment GOP calculate there’s nothing to lose—winning WH gives them Supreme Court and DOJ as insurance. Just to be sure, Obama’s bipartisan approved SC pick now adamantly blocked.
    Trump campaigns in great paet on ‘system is rigged’….a fail safe argument should he lose and a useful undermining claim to be used against HRC presidency.
    The Impropable Win.
    Trump loses popular vote but wins college…notably down to 4 swing states that the RNC may have helped the Russians specifically target (plus help from Jill Stein to split vote).
    Trump the capricious moronic dictator suddenly ‘in charge’ and dependent on an incompetent crew of sycophants. Transition team consequently a complete mess, NO preparation for job and this continues a year later because Donald likes to throw around the weight of his Office, but is lazy stupid and crazy. Even competent people would have a tough challenge.
    Bottom line…the Russians leveraged Trump. Trump’s accidental candidacy painted the GOP into a corner. Trump introduced the GOP to the Russianopt up. GOP calculated low cost and a high gain that would then bury the risk.
    The Trumps are CONSPIRATORS. the GOP leadership and Trump’ s team are the actual COLLUDERS—Sessions, McConnel Ryan Pence are all up to their necks in this—their payout was not losing Congressional power and gaining Executive power to bury their collusion as well as complete their usual bullshit agenda. Flynn, Manafort etc just their for the grift and immunity that Trump would provide.
    THE GOP ESTABLISHMENT IS GUILTY OF ELECTION TAMPERING USING RUSSIAN RESOURCES.
    TRUMP and Family GUILTY OF FACILITATING COLLUSION. GUILTY OF MONEY LAUNDERING.
    Ryan McConnell and Sessions aren’t protecting Trump out of political party loyalty, but because if he falls THEY will be exposed and THEY will face jail because THEY COLLUDED, not just Trump’s immediate circus of venal morons.

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      yep, I think you’ve got it.

    • Notreelyhelping

      You’re thinking a musical, right?

    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      I suspect it’s more complicated than that. Never underguesstimate stupidity.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Yep, but I think Donald’s input was more like, “l can has emoluments?”

    • Me The People

      I think you are on to something there, also I think that it’s possible that rather than trying to stop Trump going nuclear (with actual nukes) it’s part of their insane plan now to save their own skins as well as his. Hope I’m way wrong on that but I haven’t seen evidence recently of a line they aren’t willing to cross with him.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      pert much- other than the Russians were working Donnie long before the convention

      • Beelzebubba

        What are the chances that Donnie behaved himself on his Moscow beauty pageant junket? Zero. What are the chances that the Russkis monitored everything he did? 100%.
        Do the math.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          they owned his dumb ass the first time he took a loan from one of them

          • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

            Wasn’t that in the ’80s?

          • Yes. Corruption and collusion are the air he’s been breathing for so long that he’ll never know the difference.

          • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

            “Vee postpone, how you say, ‘interest’ on loan till someday future, da? You like! Good terms!”

          • Bad Tom

            “Now that you President, term come due. Like, you know? Yes. You know. Genius! Like Vladimir. You know. I know you know. Yes. You do! I’m sure.”

    • ManchuCandidate

      That’s how I see it.

    • Phried Ω

      The trouble with that much conspiracy are too many loose lips. The broad outline fits everything we know, though.

      • The trouble with that much conspiracy are too many loose lips.

        But this is all in the open. They never covered their tracks because they never thought that Trump would, or could win. The only things hidden are the actual deposits of cash.

        • Swampay

          The quid pro quo is never spoken aloud. That’s how GWB got into and out of the TANG without leaving a trace, and how Dan Rather ended up with egg on his face for looking for proof that was never there.

    • Perfect. I think you’ve nailed it.

      Tea Party poltical neophtye candidates backed by RNC win mid term elections and drive uncompromising opposition agenda.

      Russian test case?

    • WeaselPoo

      Oh…not to forget the RNC got hacked as well, right? But apparently only older and state email servers. No dates just ‘duringvthe campaign’.
      BUT no RNC emails leaked, just DNC ones. FBI concluded Russians favored Trump, not just general fucking around.

      Trump and RNC insisted NO HACK YOU’RE THE HACK until they had to admit limited hacking occured.

      So…maybe this particular part went like this:
      Russia wants to fuck with election in general? Hack RNC and DNC as phishing, then seewhat can be used.

      Or…hack RNC to phish for kompromat to leverage any reluctant Repubs to accept their assistance in helping Trump and/or as a demo of what they could do to DNC servers.

      Note: NO RNC email leaks, only DNC . No scandolus Paul Ryan recipes proving something somehow.

  • amrak63

    Speaking of “Baby Got Back”:

    Making the case for MILFs:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w59e20ijOpE

  • (((Sedagive)))

    Obligatory:”Come and see the violence inherent in the system!”:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7qT-C-0ajI

    • theCryptofishist

      Ah, back when we were out of sync.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      “It was sort of, I guess, a living hell for the first four or five weeks. Couldn’t get out of bed without assistance, six broken ribs, damage to my lungs, two bouts of pneumonia. It was really a tough go of it. But each day I feel a little bit better. This last month I’ve been doing better,” Paul said.

      Wait so he needed the nanny state to help him? Why didnt he pull himself up by his bootstraps and free market the shit out of those injuries?

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        I really wish we could get some folks in Kentucky to beat him and McTurtle

        • puredog

          Or even to elect other people to their seats.

  • bluicebank

    Hmm, Bannon.

    I thought being Conservative meant never having to say “sorry.” Unless it’s to an artificial vagina.

    • Daniel

      You’re suggesting Trump might be artificial?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Unnatural…

      • bluicebank

        It would explain things. He still can’t pass the Turing test, tho.

    • Me The People

      He knows Trump loves it when people grovel in abject apology for him. It’s the way back to his heart.

      • Daniel

        The only other way is by becoming saturated fat.

  • Beelzebubba

    David R, being a genius himself, surely voted for the very stable genius with the Great Brain.
    And, to be fair, there’s no doubt that the Swiss Army Vagina, with all the attachments, will (a) make his life much better, and (b) avert a great deal of grief and misery for some (small number of) unknown women.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Watch out for the scissor and the corkscrew.

  • (((Aron)))

    Wow. That Dave Russell character is an ASSHOLE.

  • dshwa

    Why am I suddenly reminded of Katya from Archer?

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      heh, scroll down.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    so, I’m pretty sure I remember Panika trying to remind us of this, but this is an interesting (and short) article about the rights of gay couples in Texas.

    https://www.texasobserver.org/texas-gay-marriage-benefits-scotus-supreme-court/

    Short version, they’re still arguing over whether the city of Houston can pay its gay married employees spousal benefits and the gay folks are fucking losing. These two quotes blew my mind (only sadists get this much joy out of fucking over other people):

    “Jonathan Saenz, president of the anti-LGBT group Texas Values and a lawyer who helped file the lawsuit, called the Supreme Court’s decision on Monday “an incredible early Christmas present.”

    “[T]he lawyers for the plaintiffs filed a motion seeking not only to block Houston from providing those benefits, but also attempting to “claw back” taxpayer money they claim was “unlawfully spent on spousal benefits for homosexual partners of city employees.

    • Beelzebubba

      Let’s hope they don’t draw one of Il Douche’s appointees when they get to federal court.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        well, that’s the thing -t here was apparently a SCOTUS ruling on SOME part of this dispute (the article isn’t really clear on the procedural history). Also too, just before i read this one, I was reading about how the 5th is one of the most conservative federal appellate circuits in the country.

        I can’t possibly see how one can honestly (and logically) say, “this set of spouses gets benefits, but this set doesn’t – and its not a violation of equal protection rights”, but then again, i’m not a lawyer or federal appeals judge.

        Sigh.

        • Stulexington

          But gay married is totally different from straight married according to no legal definition anywhere.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            IIIRC, that was the, or one of the, whole points of Obergefell. But I haven’t actually read it. (I’m trying to read and think about non-law stuff on the weekends so my brain doesn’t get overloaded during the week).

          • Stulexington

            It was also one of the failed arguments in the wedding cake lawsuit, the idea that a gay wedding cake is somehow a different product than a straight wedding cake. It was bullshit there too.

        • Beelzebubba

          The SCOTUS decision was a one-line order with no comments or dissent, so probably just a matter of the case being “not ripe for review”. We’d have heard from Kagan and the Notorious RBG if it was a substantive decision; here they’re keeping their powder dry.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            ah, thanks for that.

    • SeekingIndictmentBarbie

      I wonder if they will go after the spousal benefits of non-Christian married couples next. After all, the only REAL marriages are those approved by the Christian god.

  • sarafina

    Well the captain and david seem like soulless dirtbags.

    • theCryptofishist

      Merchant Dirtbag Marine LIEbullzzzQQQ!!!!!1

    • amrak63

      I’d rather have The Captain and Tennille.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        and a bag of salted muskrat dicks.

      • Phried Ω

        Muskrat libelz!!1!

      • LosFelizGuy

        Trivia time! The Captain is Darryl Dragon—brother of Dennis Dragon from Surf Punks fame.
        Carry on.

        • Old Man Yells at Cloud

          Also despite his hat, he was not a real captain.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Could we pay an actual intelligent right-winger to show up in the non-comments sometime? Because I feel like that’s the only way it’s going to happen.

    What do you suppose Reihan Salam charges?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Intelligent Right-Winger? Is that like Jumbo Shrimp?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Read Salam sometime. He’s infuriating and often wrong, but the man ain’t stupid.

        • TJ Barke

          Often wrong doesn’t scream “smart” to me.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Military intelligence. Virgin Madonna.

        • weejee

          Hey, I were won uf da former.

    • Beelzebubba

      Monopoly pricing.

    • Phried Ω

      George Will might be your best bet but he’s already decamped.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Remember David R. Space Pope sez “DON’T DATE ROBOTS!!”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrrADTN-dvg

    But I suspect that even a Swiss artificial Vag will have a lot of headaches dealing with the likes of you.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Robots are high maintenance. Batteries, lube,…

      • theCryptofishist

        Still, not as high maintenance as some guys I’ve dated.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        alcohol…

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Cigars…

      • tehbaddr

        Meh, think of the, err maintenance, I mean cleaning the thing up!

    • tehbaddr

      Nice cautionary tale. Imma put my order for sexbot 3K onhold!

  • Sheepshagger
    • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

      Does it work on male boobies? I’m going to ask Mrs. Itt for some assistance.

    • guppy06

      “Temper” them? Make sure they can cut through imperialist capitalist armor?

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        Breastfeeding, maybe?

    • Khavrinen

      “Temper”?!?

      All this talk of artificial vaginas, and he’s somehow missed out on the breasts that seem to be some sort of thermo-sensitive alloy…

      • Sheepshagger

        Well you’d be in some sort of temper after that.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Is that how you get nipple guns?

      https://imgur.com/f0UHhGE

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        38 calibra?

      • Kiri the Like, Smart Unicorn

        My nipples explode with delight!

    • Mike Minden

      Hmmmm. A website for female Trumpsters titled “What do YOU Ice?”

    • theCryptofishist

      Which is what they meant when the Nazis said “Colder than a night witch’s tit.”

    • bupkus231

      Health tip? Why?

      What is this, primitive woo?

    • Opalescent Riddles

      У меня самая странная эрекция

  • memzilla Ω

    Nice Time! Democrat mega-donor Tom Steyer plans to donate a copy of the bombshell book that looks inside President Trump’s tumultuous administration to every member of Congress.

    “We bought 535 copies [of Fire and Fury]. We’re going to get citizen volunteers to deliver them to the office of every congressperson and senator,” Steyer told KQEB-TV.

    • Left Coast Tom

      I’m pretty sure that should be “KQED-TV” at the end, New York Daily Bews.

      • theCryptofishist

        New York Daily Jews is my understanding.

        Sorry, that was really bad of me…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I just fervently pray that all Wolff’s quotes are legit and that he doesn’t get exposed as some sort of libeler or fraud. Please, gods of journalism, hear my plea.

      • TheFamilyThalamusPersists

        It’s hard to imagine that the publisher would have agreed to that type of risk without substantiation.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Agreed, and it’s a major publishing house. So I am cautiously optimistic.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        He’s claimed he has tapes. He should release them.

      • Everrett Fanuelli

        I read that Wolff thanked his libel attorney first on the acknowledgement page

      • bupkus231

        The right wing is already making that claim – and will do anything to make any small part of it true:

        “Wolff said it was a Tuesdau, but it really was a Wednesday! That’s a lie. It’s ALLLLLL LIES!!11!!!!1!”

        • Bad Tom

          No! It was a DIFFERENT RESTAURANT!

          Yes, that’s one “inaccuracy.”

          Yet the alleged dinner, with the alleged participants, doing the alleged things, is not challenged.

          I’ll take Wolff’s story on that one.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Okay, great, but he should take a play from the Mercers and Kochs and try to help us win some seats.

  • Wookie Monster

    After watching Stephen Miller on CNN this morning, I’ve concluded that the Trump administration is the Mandelbrot set of assholes, where every asshole is made up of an infinite series of tiny fractal assholes.

    • Ling Ling

      I like it. The complex plane hides infinite asshole.

      • weejee

        And a Cantor big infinity, not one of those small ones.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Brrr… Someone already posted Swiss cheese below and trypophobia was a Jeopardy clue the other night… Sierpinski Christmas trees are much less threatening to a phobic of assholes such as myself.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/76ef7f32d866afb86dfd8f1ec81506d041e6b2e4b233350a945dfa794e8f11db.jpg

    • Mike Minden
      • Msgr_MΩment

        Do I have to shave first?

      • Bigly smart jesterpunk

        Do you need Gwyneth Paltrow’s coffee enema first or does this one come with a hot chocolate enema?

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          What a waste of good hot chocolate. It goes in the other end.

          • theCryptofishist

            Certainly, if I were forced to have one or the other, I would not want all that gooey sugar forced up the down staircase. Sounds like the mother of all yeast infections, and yes, I know yeast infections are not of the anus.

    • tehbaddr

      Asshole iteration all the way down!

  • weejee
    • amrak63

      If Trump DID do the full monty, who could tell?

      Without binoculars, at least?

      (Why no, I never tire of such jokes. Why do you ask?)

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        You have come to the right place. And do not want t-rump full monty, I’m a nudist, but even I would be thinking, please, put clothes back on.

  • WeaselPoo

    The Swiss are “developing an artifical vagina”?!!
    Is this his first ever visit to the Internet? It must be. And the Swiss are going to be surprised too.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Has everyone forgotten that pie Jason Biggs liked?

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        It wasn’t the FCC chairman, that’s for sure.

        He wants to let Comcast charge extra for porn.

      • Opalescent Riddles

        Now for a while, I won’t be able to think of “those cakes we like” the same.

  • canes_pugnaces
    • theCryptofishist

      Warmer with the milk of human kindness, also, too.

      • puredog

        “Trump pisses ice water.” — R. Cohn

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    “he Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out. Before then, make sure you get an NDA for everyone you date, or have your money well-protected (in trust, off-shore, buried).

    He could get a place in the country and a female sheep.

    • amrak63
      • Mike Minden

        A classic!

    • Hesavebread!

      My Dad had a circus act involving sheep, he did ewe turns . . .

      • Mike Minden

        That is so terrible! I love it!

      • amrak63

        If puns were illegal, you’d have to go on the lamb.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      All this talk of artificial vaginas to me just signals a critical lack of imagination on the part of these dicks.

  • Khavrinen

    One thing that never ceases to baffle me is the fact that there seem to be so many men who act like women would think “developing an artificial vagina” is something to be scared of. I’ll admit I don’t have that wide an experience to draw from, but from all the sexual harassment shit I’ve heard of, I would expect women’s response to be less “Oh noes, fake pussies will steal all the dicks!”, and more “Woo Hoo, something to take off a little of the pressure of all the assholes trying to get into our pants!”

    • Jamoche

      Yep, this woman’s reaction to the “threat” of sexbots – if that’s what you want, dude, go for it and good riddance.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        I foresee an arms race. Next thing, the ladies will be developing some kind of artificial penius.
        Wait, what?

        • Khavrinen

          It will be a brand new, never before imagined piece of technology. That isn’t already featured in millions of porn videos.

        • Jon Sussex

          Ladies, forget Libertarians. Get Penius Maximus™.

    • Ling Ling

      I’ve heard the same about VR. If a good look is all you want, Fry’s will sell you an answer.

  • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

    But, but if Garbage Men replace women with artificial vaginas, how will they propagate the feces?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fe770a80e6e8d6f0abc71c03e08162494f404fddcc7b77a74c83ee90bf302a69.jpg

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Artificial anuses?

      • Cousin Itt, hoi polloi

        A sensible policy for a better America.

        • theCryptofishist

          Colostomys for all assholes.

    • Ωbjectifier

      Prunes.

  • Me The People

    “The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina and when they have it perfected, women are out.”

    “You actually don’t know my beliefs about how the sexes relate to one another.”

    I think we get the general idea. You clearly have some kind of sickness in you. You should try to get help instead of trying to prove to yourself that you are superior via the internet.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      “The Swiss are working on an artificial vagina, and in the meantime that silk sock is looking pretty attractive, and so is that sofa cushion”, he thought probably.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Internet comment sections- one great big cry for help

      (good thing wonket doesn’t allow comments)

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Early onset Alzheimers is my theory.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Wikileaks just published Wolf’s “Fire and Fury” online, the whole text, I suppose hoping to stop sales of the book.

    Is there any doubt what Wikileaks is now?

    • OrG

      Nope

    • Ling Ling

      English or Russian version?

    • mancityRed6

      am I the only person here who doubts it’s an exact word for word edition?

      • Opalescent Riddles

        No, you’re not, and I should have scrolled down before I didn’t comment the same thing.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      A backup server for the Pirate Bay, I hope.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        First one went up there 50 hours ago.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s already sold a fuck ton…

    • shivaskeeper

      I never doubted what they were.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      With or without malware?

    • canes_pugnaces

      That’s a serious lawsuit, one Russian Assange won’t win.

      • Beelzebubba

        Does Wikileaks pay attention to DMCA take-down orders?

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Sure, I’ll read it on WikiLeaks, that paragon of unedited truth. /s

      Someone should run a diff tool on the original text from the book vs. Assmange’s version of it.

      edit to add: I don’t doubt that the rapist hopes both to thwart sales of the book AND to “improve” some passages in it.

      edit2: ALLEGED rapist

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Was there ever? Not publishing the RNC’s emails told the tale.

  • ariel_gee_398
    • gallbladder

      How fucking old is he?!?

      • proudgrampa

        TOO old.

        • puredog

          Au contraire — demonstrably not quite old enough.

          • bupkus231

            Not old, moldy, and decomposing enough.

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        71, same as his IQ.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Old enough to not know better.

      • dshwa

        73, going on 4.

    • mancityRed6

      getting in front of that physical he’s supposed to have is my guess

    • OrG

      Think of the ratings!

      • Old town Urbandale

        That’s why he delayed– it’s sweeps week!

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      some gimmicky award is the kind of thing he would think is funny – so what kind of award will it be, an oscar with a dunce cap? Something called “the Fakies”?

      GO:

      • LosFelizGuy

        The “Lamies” in reference to LAMEstream Media?

      • suziq

        A certificate printed on a home computer printer. He ain’t going to spend any money on them.

    • puredog

      “Sometime in the next couple of weeks.” (Rolls eyes.)

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      I hope he interrupts primetime tv. He’ll look like an ass in front of the country.

    • shivaskeeper

      Bread and circuses. Keep the spotlight on him. Stay in the headlines.

    • Holiday Bozi

      This is what happens when you wait till the last minute to ask your staff for nominations and votes for Worst Media. Demerits for lack of proper planning.

      • Phried Ω

        To be followed by the veteran’s donation ceremony.

        • Gosala

          Who is he donating veterans to?

          • theCryptofishist

            Anyone who will take them. Cuts down on the expenses of the VA.

          • Gosala

            I have a sofa no one uses (except the cat to puke on) if anyone wants it.

          • Mentally Stable Ron

            ‘Two for one sale on matching amputations! Get them while they’re still healthy!’

          • theCryptofishist

            I got mine in Austria.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      The worst part is the press will cover it and thank him while he shits on them.

      • bupkus231

        Again.

        Anything to preserve “access”

    • Martini A, very stable genius

      Well, half of PR is still without power, but as long as he’s focusing on the important stuff 😕

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      Doesn’t he have some big speech coming up? Shouldn’t he be focused on not preparing for that?

      • Khavrinen

        Prepare? Trump??

      • Wookie Monster

        I’m actually terrified of this years SOTU address. The bar is now set so low, so long as Trump doesn’t shit in his hand and then rub it all over Mitch McConnell’s face, the media will hail it as another presidential “pivot.”

        • ((( Augustus )))

          I bet he’ll eat it

          • Wookie Monster

            Trump or McConnell?

        • Daniel

          Did Trump’s Gift To McConnell Signal A New Era In The Presidency?

          Is “Eat This Mitch” Trump’s “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You”?

          THE MOMENT HE BECAME PRESIDENT: A HANDFUL OF TRUMP DREAMS

          Trump Delivers On Promise To Fertilize GOP.

          “EAT THIS”- YES MR. PRESIDENT.

        • Notreelyhelping

          Oh, it’ll just be greatest hits. They’ll tell him he’s playing Vegas.

        • TootsStansbury

          He’ll fling his stupid hats at the Congress and the Republicans will cheer and scramble.

    • James Baskin

      Yes. Yes he is. And the news media is absolutely terrified.

      • theCryptofishist

        They will utterly refuse to cover it. Except Breitbart and Fox, I guess.

        • OrG

          No they won’t.

          • theCryptofishist

            Of course not. I just like delivering statements utterly opposed to reality in the deadpannedest tone possible.

        • Jamoche

          Doesn’t matter if they do or don’t – those two will say they did, and their viewers won’t know the difference.

      • Wookie Monster

        Stephen Colbert, Samantha Bee, and TDS are all actively campaign for the dishonor.

        • Gosala

          And Wonkette!!x11**11

        • suziq

          Oh I didn’t know Sam Bee was too-I think it is hilarious! They are taking out full page ads and everything.

          • Beelzebubba

            Sam Bee rented the moon. Which was awesome, but she needs to put an ad on Fox & Fiends if she wants Donnie to see it.

    • Tennessee Rain Genius

      This is the shit that keeps him up at night?

    • canes_pugnaces

      The man is a senile dict-tator-tot.

    • Ellie

      He is a Reality TV Star; what would you expect? And, he wants to get rid of the First Amendment.

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      The real reason he pushed the date back from Monday, is that he has to study-up for his tests at Bethesda on Friday.

      • Notreelyhelping

        I know the Bethesda “results” will be something like: FEARLESS LEADER IS STRONGEST MAN ON PLANET AND STABLE GENIUS FOREVER! No questions.

        But, boy, if anybody needed to step down (and maybe receive a full pardon) for health reasons….

    • Shrieking Harpy

      When the Gong Show took over the White House.

    • Mentally Stable Ron

      So, in around two weeks.
      Never change, Two Scoops.

  • James Baskin

    well, we have artificial penises….. so why not veejays?

    • amrak63

      You mean artificial substitutes for MTV hosts?

      • Transgender Fetus McGoo

        Dan Cortese’s is a piñata.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          I don’t even want to know what Pauly Shore’s would be.

      • Khavrinen

        You’re showing your age a bit there, being able to remember when MTV actually had music on it.

        • Gosala

          MTV doesn’t have music anymore? Where do the kids go to learn what’s hot and what’s not?

          • Daniel

            They have their MySpaces and LiveJournals for that now.

          • Gosala

            Are they like message boards?

          • Phried Ω

            Is that anything like a BBS. I keeps my Apache with my modem.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            alt.right.nonazi.nonazi.yourethenazi

          • Phried Ω

            Funny you mention that. My ISP dropped it’s usenet service on Jan. 2. Grrrr!

          • Wookie Monster

            And Friendster.

          • Khavrinen

            Well, I’ve heard it called “a series of tubes”…

          • Gosala

            Oh, that! Wait I have a Prodigy disk around somewhere…

        • amrak63

          I complete my 55th solar orbit in May.

          • proudgrampa

            Young whippersnapper!

          • Phried Ω

            He won’t listen, Youngsters never do.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            You are my age, I wondered.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Something something Moon Unit.

  • Martini A, very stable genius
    • ariel_gee_398

      At least North Korea’s unstable megalomaniac can read.

      • puredog

        IIRC, he WAS subjected to the best Swiss education money can buy. (Though I had not earlier suspected that he derived much of anything from it.)

        • theCryptofishist

          Wait, did he work his way through college as a test subject for artificial vaginas?

          • Opalescent Riddles

            For certain values of “work.”

      • SDGeoff3

        Or at least poses well.

      • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

        …and apparently he can get Amazon 2-day delivery!

        • proudgrampa

          Really!

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        He’s willing to talk with South Korea. He might be far more cunning than we think, and WAY more than Donnie.

    • gallbladder

      Sick burn!

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    If drank ‘cool-aid ‘ I’d be cool.

    • Phried Ω

      Offering style tips to squares is cool-aid, right?

    • John Thorstensen

      Even Flavour-Aid!

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Hope you’re sitting down, Cappy Turk, when I break the news to you that we already *have* a “None of the above, try again” box. It’s the one on your ballot you fill in, just before you throw it in the trash, and go to the kitchen for another beer. Or down to Whole Paycheck for some mountain grown arugula. Anywhere but the fucking polls, man…
    ‘Cause, see, when you don’t vote, well, you really *do* vote. For anarchy. For a return to hunter/gatherer society. For feudalism. For Putin. For Stalin. For the Confederacy. For anything at all but that fucking messy-ass, imperfect
    Democracy…
    And fuck you.

    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      “Not voting is essentially providing support to the worst possible choice.”

      • Opalescent Riddles

        Voting to “send a message” is often the same thing.

        • Phried Ω

          ^THIS^

        • Mentally Stable Ron

          Not always, though. I’ve been voting Green mostly (Elizabeth May isn’t excessively weird, the party has some very progressive ideas about the economy, and they are getting JUST enough votes to stay an official party) but I’ve been living in reliably Tory ridings for a while so there’s little downside. Having said that, I voted Liberal in ’15, because hey, you never know.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Yes, no one cares why you voted a certain way, subtleties are lost at the ballot box.

    • harryr

      Always drummed into my kids – Even if it means voting for the one you hate least, always vote. Otherwise you lose any right to criticise what you end up with.

      • Maybe

        So totally agree. Not voting, or voting for someone who can’t win, is like playing Russian Roulette with your vote.

        And in 2016 it was Donald Trump loaded into the barrel.

        • Phried Ω

          Someone down thread cited Paul LePage.

          • Maybe

            Wasn’t LePage’s win more because two liberals split the vote?

            Twice?

            Maybe the two liberals should have settled it with pistols at dawn rather than throwing the election to LePage.

            Not sure where all the gun analogies are coming from. I don’t even like guns.

          • Phried Ω

            More civilized than film canisters in Virginia.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I probably mentioned this many non-comments ago but I have only missed one vote in my entire life since I got the right to vote at age 21. (Yes, I missed the Nixon age 18 expansion by a hair.)

        In my lame defense, it was the most trivial election ever, with only one office up for grabs and that was for something like second-assistant substitute dog-catcher in odd-numbered months.

        Nevertheless, I was horrified when I realized that I blew it and I still feel guilty for such a dumb memory lapse.

        It will never happen again.

        • Old town Urbandale

          To make up for it, vote twice in the next election.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Would that every parent were as wise as you. It is the system we have, work with it, or work to change it.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Also too, most ballots provide for a write-in, which neatly serves as a “none of the above, try again” box.

    • TJ Barke

      I don’t want to rock your world, but anarchism is the search for a more perfect democracy, and hunter gatherer societies were probably the most egalitarian of all.
      Like all libertardians, his vote is for feudalism. Always. Rule by the rich, where the poor and unpropertied are as serfs.

      • Empress of the Iguana People

        Anarchy pretty much only works in the small hunter-gatherer communities, though.

      • Gosala

        Not so sure hunter gatherer societies were all that wonderful. Not that I have much data, but bullies and con artists are everywhere and everywhen.

        • TJ Barke

          True enough. But it was likely a far sight better than somewhere bullies and con artists have institutional weight behind them.

          • Gosala

            I’ll grant that there was a better chance of opposing them before they were backed but armies and churches (or at least a better chance of running away)

          • Phried Ω

            A very happy and satisfying 35-year lifespan.

          • TJ Barke

            Cuz a lonely, miserable, exploited and abused 70 is way better.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            Live fast, die young.

  • canes_pugnaces
    • Ellie

      57 seconds, and I’m afraid that song is ruined for me forever…

  • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

    OT: Spanish to become Canada’s third official language in 3… 2… 1……

    Thousands of immigrants from El Salvador wait and worry as Trump decides their fate

    Everywhere across the land… They’re running to Canadia…
    The bigly oaf with tiny hands… He sent them to Canadia…
    In a car, or on a bike… They’re going to Canadia…
    Fleeing from the new Turd Reich… They’re going to Canadia…
    They’re going to Canadia…
    They’re going to Canadia…
    They’re going to Canadia…
    Today!
    OK!
    Olé!
    Come from Away!
    …eh?

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Can we all move to Canada too?

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        Si, mon ami.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Steve Bannon’s abject, bullshit apology is basically “I wasn’t saying Junior was treasonous or unpatriotic for arranging the meeting with the Russians to get stolen material from the DNC — I was criticizing the guy sitting next to him at that meeting.”

    Fortunately for Bannon-Assmouth relations, Assmouth’s rigorous grasp of logical consistency won’t cause him to question this excuse.

    “Donald Trump, Jr. is both a patriot and a good man,” said Bannon, who is quoted in Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury calling a 2016 meeting with Russians as “treasonous.” “He has been relentless in his advocacy for his father and the agenda that has helped turn our country around.” Bannon insisted that his mention of treason didn’t refer to Trump Jr. but rather to Paul Manafort, “a seasoned campaign professional with experience and knowledge of how the Russians operate.” Manafort, who was briefly Trump’s campaign manager, should have known better. “He should have known they are duplicitous, cunning and not our friends. To reiterate, those comments were not aimed at Don Jr,” Bannon said in the statement that was first reported by Axios.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Why didnt he post it on Dead Breitbart?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Dead Breitbart readers are still recovering from the whiplash after learning that they’ve always been at war with Trump. This would wring some necks if it were delivered today.

      • Gosala

        The Butthurteriate is pretty pissed at Bannon right now.

        • Bigly smart jesterpunk

          Last time I looked it seemed to be pretty evenly split between pro Trump and pro Bannon. But that was a few days ago.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            I checked when the news first broke and they were all studiously ignoring it

          • TJ Barke

            Like all bold freethinkers.

          • theCryptofishist

            carefully studying it in order to deliver a measured, thoughtful response.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Confused about how to tell the real fake news from the fake fake news.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            patiently waiting for someone to spoon feed them their opinion- and not caring if it’s mutually exclusive to the one they held moments before

          • Beelzebubba

            That’s the problem: they can’t agree on who should be tellling them what to think. Bannon? Hannity? Il Douche? They’re still sheep, but at the moment they’re lost sheep.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            That’s because most of them have the attention span of a fruit fly with ADHD.

          • OrG

            Hey,new Hillary investigation!

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            update- it looks about 70/30 against the gin blossomed Bannon in the comments section of the article that they belatedly posted

          • Mehmeisterjr

            It that counting the Russian bots? Because they could swing the election against Bannon.

          • Bigly smart jesterpunk

            Which ones are the bots?

          • Beelzebubba

            The ones with better grammar.

          • SayItWithWookies

            The ones who respond hereon, dam.

          • Gosala

            Maybe it varies by thread, time of day and phase of the moon

    • Bannon insisted that his mention of treason didn’t refer to Trump Jr.
      but rather to Paul Manafort, “a seasoned campaign professional with
      experience and knowledge of how the Russians operate.”

      “Don Jr is far too stupid to be an actual traitor.”

    • theCryptofishist

      I’m sure there are ramifications that lead to all sorts of horrible thing, but for the moment, I’m delighted.

    • Mike Minden

      Bannon you slut.

      No matter how low my expectations, you manage to disappoint me.

      • Maybe

        I would usually agree, but I can’t say I’m disappointed with what’s going on with Bannon the past week. He has exceeded expectations.

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      You know Bannon’s hit a low point when he steals Ben Carson’s, “you want that guy over there,” line.

    • SDGeoff3

      Surprised? Anyone? Really?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Nah. He thinks he is Macchiavelli but he’s never been anything but Schlockiavelli.

        • theCryptofishist

          Just so long as he’s not Jughashvili, I’m fine.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I think that Pence is more the Uncle Joe type. Quiet, reserved and deadly.

            Bannon has sometimes compared himself, approvingly to Lenin but, again, he gives himself too much credit. On his best day, he might qualify as a bloated version of Yagoda.

          • theCryptofishist

            Well, maybe we’re ducking Beria then?

        • SDGeoff3

          LOL! Thank you!

        • Daniel

          He’s not Machiavelli, he’s Lackiavelli.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      MAABAA – Make America Abjectly Bullshit Aplogize Again!

    • Maybe

      Too late for Bannon. He’s been sent to the cornfield.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It%27s_a_Good_Life_(The_Twilight_Zone)

      • SayItWithWookies

        I’m betting Assmouth forgives him — hell, he still wants Mike Flynn back.

        • Maybe

          I’m not sure Trump WANTS Flynn back. I think he’s afraid of what Flynn will testify to.

          As for Bannon, he could be resurrected (he already looks that way), but there’s a lot against it. He insulted Trump and Trump’s kids. He reinforced the Russia story. He has competed with Trump for credit and publicity. Most of all, I’m not sure Bannon is capable of crawling enough to please Trump. The two are very much alike.

          I haven’t seen that Twilight Zone episode in a while, but once it occurred to me I realized how much Trump resembles not just a child, but the child in that episode.

    • anon_the_great

      Thing is Bannon’s not-ology will work for Twitler. And the whole rotten corpse of the GOP knows it.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “To reiterate,” added Bannon, “I am not sucking my own cock. I am rimming my own asshole. And it’s tasty, though not as tasty as Donald Trump Jr., scholar, patriot and all-around hero.”

    • Left Coast Tom

      Ah, that settles it. Manafort is the traitor.

      Bannon insisted that his mention of treason didn’t refer to Trump Jr. but rather to Paul Manafort, “a seasoned campaign professional with experience and knowledge of how the Russians operate.” Manafort, who was briefly Trump’s campaign manager, should have known better.

      Wasn’t it Don Junior who, several years ago, publicly bragged about how much business the “Trump Organization” had with Russia? How did he come to be so inexperienced and unknowledgeable regarding how Russians operate?

      • Bigly smart jesterpunk

        Don Jr said they get so much money from Russia and Eric bragged that Russia gives them money for golf courses.

      • SayItWithWookies

        That and Junior releasing the emails where he arranged the meeting probably would implicate Junior. Fortunately, when Assmouth sees one set of facts that contradicts another, he just picks the bunch he prefers to be true.

        • Left Coast Tom

          He’s going to be rather disappointed when Mueller does otherwise.

    • TootsStansbury

      This whole thing is like a wrestlemania story line.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Though orders of magnitude less believable.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Bannon split the party. He may have even scared himself with how easy it was. This is damage control. The good news is, they all still hate each other.

      • TootsStansbury

        I was expecting this to be Bannon’s rise like a phoenix from the ashes moment except he’d be more like a great pumpkin than a phoenix and the ashes would just be a hot tub full of acid.

        • theCryptofishist

          I will always upfist that tub full of acid.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Carson Palmer couldn’t help the Bills this week.

    • yyyaz

      Thankfully he won’t be “helping” the Cardinals next year either.

  • coozledad
  • The Very Stable Librarian

    This is Ground Control to Captain Turk, you really made the grade….
    A ShitFerBrains.

    • Shrieking Harpy

      Ground Control to Captain Turk,
      Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    So that was a catch, but the pass to Jesse James by Roethlisberger wasn’t

    huh…

    • Beelzebubba

      “Surviving the ground” has to be a metaphor for something.
      Maybe the Electoral College?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Ya know- I think the new catch criteria are BS, but at least be consistent in your calling

    • dshwa

      At the point I stopped watching three years ago, I was convinced that there was no one in the universe; player, coach, official, NFL executive, octopus, or divine entity, who could clearly define what is or is not a catch anymore. It makes offside in soccer seem simple by comparison.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        It got far worse last season

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Two straight revenge games coming up, Dog willing.

  • SDGeoff3

    I think David R went to look at the merchandise available here and got a big time confusez when he saw the graphics. I bet it was the Elizabeth Warren t shirt that set him off.

    • theCryptofishist

      To be fair, she does illicit strong reactions.

      • SDGeoff3

        I for one strongly admire her.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    In re: Artificial vaginas.

    As usual, it reminds me of a Monty Python sketch. (I think this transcription is approximately correct.)

    Herr Tid: Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this artificial vagina, and I thought it best that the vaginarchitects themselves came in to explain the advantages of both designs. (knock at door) That must be the first vaginarchitect now. (Herr Wiggin comes in) Ah, yes – it’s Herr Wiggin of Eisenseite and Muttiallein.
    Wiggin walks to the table on which his model stands.
    Herr Wiggin: Good morning, gentlemen. This is an artifical hoohah combining classical neo-Georgian features with the efficiency of modern techniques. The penises arrive in the entrance here, and are carried past the vulva to the reproductive tract on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these…
    Erste Stadt Gent : Excuse me….
    Herr Wiggin Hm?
    Erste Stadt Gent: Did you say knives?
    Herr Wiggin Rotating knives, yes.
    Zweite Stadt Gent: Are you proposing to slaughter our naughty bits?
    Herr Wiggin: Does that not fit in with your plans?
    Erste Stadt Gent: No, it does not. We asked for a simple artificial vagina.
    Herr Wiggin: Oh, I see. I hadn’t correctly divined your attitude towards your todgers.

  • proudgrampa

    Swiss vaginas are totally unnecessary. I am reminded of Portnoy’s Complaint:

    Portnoy, in the depths of his confession, mentions how he once masturbated against a piece of liver that he then put back in the freezer. Hours later, it was cooked and sitting on the table. Far beyond the Roald Dahl story where the wife kills her husband with the ham, then cooks it and feeds it to the investigating policemen, Portnoy has gone somewhere that never could have been expected. “Now you know the worst thing I have ever done. I fucked my own family’s dinner.”

    https://nighthawknews.wordpress.com/2011/06/12/top-100-novels-39-portnoys-complaint/

  • Mentally Stable Ron

    Dear Buffalo Bills offensive team:

    Now and then someone will throw the ball. The expectation is that the ball will be caught, preferably by one of your own. As receivers, your job is to do so, and NOT to watch the ball sail by like an unusually fat bird. Also, if you happen to be the one throwing the ball, do endeavour to throw it TO someone, on the off-chance that they might be dimly aware that catching it is in their job description. While moving the ball downfield is the point of the game, the ball is not allowed to to all the moving by itself.

    I hope this advice will be of use to you next year, as you once again frustrate our expectations.

    • proudgrampa

      Yeah. I was disappointed, too.

  • Maybe

    An artificial vagina and women are out? That’s what women are to him?

    Guess what, Capt Turk. You’ve been out since dildos were invented.

    I would also guess that there are few or no women in your life currently, so it’s hard to see how they could be out.

    • Robyn Ryan

      Why do men assume women care about penises?
      Sex is more than your dick.

      • bupkus231

        Not to most guys….

      • Maybe

        If done right, yes. Maybe that assumption is why it is sometimes done very badly.

        What has always struck me as strange is why some men think their penises are lovely objet d’art and send out pictures of them.

    • Carole

      It was the brilliant David Russell that warned us that women are about to be replaced by an artificial vagina and recommended that until then, men make their dates sign NDAs, which are nondisclosure agreements (I guess). Does he think NDAs protect men from rape accusations?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Sure he does. He probably think that they are Nondicksclosure Agreements.

      • Maybe

        Perhaps it’s not rape accusations they’re afraid of.

        It may be report cards. And women comparing notes.

        In some cases there really is nothing to disclose.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Women of the non-paid variety, no.

  • therblig

    you know what happens when your swiss vagina malfunctions?

    it berns when you pee

    • gallbladder

      I’ll have the veal, please.

      • OutOfOrbit

        i’ll just use my hand, thx

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      sounds like a Zappa song

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Franc?

      • TootsStansbury

        Have Geneva been mellow?

    • dshwa

      You get sharp cedar instead of Swiss?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      How can you Tell?

      • theCryptofishist

        The Jura’s still out.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Think hard before you make a pun like that because once it is on the internet, you canton do it.

          • theCryptofishist

            Uri pulling my leg.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Chur kidding me!

          • Mentally Stable Ron

            All you punners can just go to Helvetia.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            League me alone!

          • TootsStansbury

            Don’t let your Guard down.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Are those the guys that wear the Ticino pants?

          • TootsStansbury

            Will we at least be granted fondue process?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            And they say that Romansh is dead!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        This is Zürich for my blood.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Another punning contest? I hate to say it but you need Alp.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Fun Fact: The Center for Artificial Vagina Research is located in Intercocken.

  • Christopher Story
    • gallbladder

      I can’t stop giggling.

    • Khavrinen

      The smiles are what really sell it.

      • gallbladder

        Ayup!

    • SDGeoff3

      Is this from the new Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg cookbook? It’s anal in so many ways.

    • tehbaddr

      Are these commercially available? I’d like to bring some by the work place. Given the gender neutral aspect I’m sure it will be OK. Don’t like my job much anyway.

    • TootsStansbury

      Cookie whoopie!

  • Daniel

    Swiss artificial vaginas:

    finally ending Mann’s search for magic mountin’.

    • theCryptofishist

      I thought he was gay…

      • Daniel

        Nah, that was his son. And he wasn’t either- it was his dad who was.

    • rosenbomb

      During my commute each day, I pass a spot where someone graffitied the word “RESIST” at the top of a hill. It makes me smile.

    • Christopher Story

      Wow. Losing the troll vote is gonna be devastating in the mid terms.

      • Mentally Stable Ron

        Unlike the regular Trumpanzees, who can be put off indefinitely on jobs, medical care and the Wall, trolls are angry that the goats they were promised have yet to materialise. And they vote.

    • Christopher Story

      Had to be a liberal. Not only is it spelled correctly, whoever did this took the time to keep it even.

    • SDGeoff3

      That’s amazing. And I couldn’t care less how they did it. Genius.

      • Daniel

        It’s deceptive. You’re supposed to think they managed to do that so neatly while somehow rocking up and down on the water, but it was really a lot simpler than that. They removed the pillar, took it home and sprayed it there then slotted it back in before anyone noticed it was gone.

        I hope I haven’t taken any of the magic out of it for you.

        • SDGeoff3

          Well of course, that was my first thought, but thank you for affirming.

  • rosenbomb

    I find it silly that I was assigned several chapters of reading on SPSS, when we do not have access to the program at home. So we have to read about what we would do if we were creating a data set, but we can’t actually practice until tomorrow.

  • TJ Barke

    Do you think he was just dyslexic and read something about Geneva?

    • Shrieking Harpy

      I’m glad he wasn’t reading about the Swiss town, Splugen.

  • dshwa

    Problem solved: Just put the on/off switch for the robot vagina where the clitoris is. Then they’ll never get used.

    • gallbladder

      I sense a winner for this year’s Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine!

  • Bigly smart jesterpunk
    • Marmies are my favorites.

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      Oh, sure… that only works for three-legged cats.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

      And keep the rest of us under the covers.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Trying to out crazy a crazy guy?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Moar like on the floor, amirite?

    • SayItWithWookies

      We liberals simply have no appreciation for thoughtful, nuanced dialogue.

    • TootsStansbury

      Tweets. Button comparisons. Strategy. I’m going to go drink now.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Nikki really doesn’t understand the whole ‘diplomacy’ gig does she?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    What’s wrong with a Fleshlight? Buy American.

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Ugh, now going through another fight because my parents have not received the refund for our canceled trip. American sent the check 2 months ago to Expedia, per Expedia’s instructions. Now Expedia is saying “no, the money would go directly to you”.
    I sense shouting in my future.

    • Just make sure you exercise your vocal cords like an opera singer before you make that call. Also, remember that the poor scrub taking the call isn’t the person who dicked things up.

      • Phried Ω

        I’m conflicted about that point. What are the rewards of such a job that makes talking to me worth it?

      • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

        I’ve been very polite, mainly because the person does seem to be trying to find an answer to my questions.

        • Beelzebubba

          “Do you personally know what happened to that check? No? Can I speak to your supervisor?”
          Repeat until you get to the person who knows. (If such person exists…)

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Speaker phone, mute button and put the phone some place out of the way while you do whatever you have to do.

  • Artificial vagina notwithstanding, this is my favorite part of David R’s comment:

    Before then, make sure you get an NDA for everyone you date, or have your money well-protected (in trust, off-shore, buried).

    “You seem to be an alluring feeeee-male, but before I engage you for breeding purposes, I must have you sign this NDA.”

    “Sure thing, as long as it stands for No Dick Access.”

    • bupkus231

      Oh good – I wasn’t the only one who wondered if he had mixed ip a “Non-Disclosure Agreement” with some kinda pre-coital waiver….

    • cheetojeebus

      “everyone you date” Haha! riiiioght. That’ll happen.

      • He’s really concerned that word will get out about his tiny penis.

      • Phried Ω

        Assumes facts not in evidence. To wit, anyone dates you.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Probably buys some encounters and calls it a date. I once met a guy who went to Thailand every winter and referred to one of the sex workers as his girlfriend.

          • Phried Ω

            She referred to him as John.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Doubtless. Mr. Hedo and I have chuckled over it for years.

    • Blanche de Shambles

      Anytime I see one of these MRA weirdos refer to women as “females” my brain automatically puts “hu-man” in a Ferengi accent in front of it.

  • Robyn Ryan

    Attempting to cover his lack of credentials with yuge words and convoluted sentences.
    Anyone can toss word salads.
    It takes skill and practice to be succinct.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Word salad is the only kind of salad that will ever be associated with Trump.

      Or any of his deplorable gum-flappers.

      • tehbaddr

        He’s an amateur compared to Palin. He’s more of an idiot three word phrase savant!

        • Mentally Stable Ron

          Sad!

  • Master Contrail Program
  • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

    They don’t have beach chairs in the Oval Office, dipshit

    Chris Christie says he would have won the presidency if Donald Trump hadn’t been in the race

    Springsteen has no interest in elected office, but I’m pretty sure his or Little Steven’s bandanna would have made a better president than either of these goombas. Just float the fuck away, Crispy. Try not to collide with the Snoopy blimp over the Meadowlands, ‘K?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Christie couldn’t be president — he’d miss licking someone else’s boots too much.

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Christie wouldn’t have won anyway because he hugged Obama.

      • therblig

        even in nj, he was deemed a rino (insert hippo joke), and yes, hugging a black democrat would have doomed him.

  • yyyaz

    Future scholars will sift through Trump’s digital proclamations the way we now read the chroniclers of Nero’s Rome—to understand how an unhinged emperor can make a mockery of republican institutions, undo the collective nervous system of a country, and degrade the whole of public life.

    https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/01/15/the-increasing-unfitness-of-donald-trump?mbid=nl_Daily%20010618%20Nonsubs&CNDID=40936863&spMailingID=12695455&spUserID=MTMzMTg0ODM5OTYyS0&spJobID=1320480111&spReportId=MTMyMDQ4MDExMQS2

    • Phried Ω

      I’m a Caligula man myself.

      • Red Richmond

        Elegabalus or gtfo!

        • Daniel

          Elagabalus, and I share a love of that guy/girl/solar being, the murderous Bowie of the decline of Rome.

        • Shrieking Harpy

          And oops, again. Maybe a Mr Ed joke would have sufficed.

      • Hesavebread!

        Incitatus says neigh!

        • Shrieking Harpy

          Ooops. Shoulda scrolled on down.

      • HogeyeGrex

        Pupienus Maximus or gtfo.

        He was actually okay, but what a name.

      • Shrieking Harpy

        Neigh!!!

    • OrG

      Assumes future scholars. I’m not so sure.

    • Stable Genius Jack

      You know, Nero had a boy castrated to replace his dead wife. Donnie’s got Stephen Miller, Hmmnm.

      • Red Richmond

        Assumes facts not in evidence for the existence of Stephen Miller having functional boy parts.

        • Stable Genius Jack

          Well, whatever syphilitic doll maker created that haunted ventriloquist dummy obviously made him pre-castrated

          • Phried Ω

            Geppetto libulz.

  • Anna Rompage

    Bannon issues an apology for speaking the truth while totally drunk…..

    What a total snowflake cuck!

    • Bigly smart jesterpunk

      Hey Bannon, one question for you.

      https://media.giphy.com/media/Z8q8Wz8IQWSA/giphy.gif

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        beta cuck

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      Seriously? I’ve always been under the impression he thinks of himself as a Tuf Guy.
      Aha ha ha ha– this makes me happier than it should!

    • Beelzebubba

      The Mercers own his soul.
      (Actually, more of a long-term lease from the actual owner, who shall remain nameless.)

  • geoffalnutt