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Good morning, America. Anything happen last night?

Great. The “president” is talking about his “button,” because he (allegedly) has a bigger “button” than Kim Jong Un, and we are supposed to believe this because …

Haven’t we seen this movie before? Oh yes, it was way back in the olden timey days of the 2016 Republican primary, when Trump bragged on a debate stage about how he has REALLY BIG HANDS and a PERFECTLY SERVICEABLE PENIS — allegedly — at least compared to Little Marco Rubio.

But that was then, and this is now. Back then, everybody was like “LOL! Trump thinks he is going to be preznit, and he’s yapping about his little ding-dong? LOL!” Fast forward through one million months of Russian election interference and one million think pieces and news reels about BUT HER EMAILS!, and now we have an actual “president” literally begging the leader of North Korea to start World War III, because the “president” gets his feelings hurted when somebody implies they have a big “button” and he doesn’t. We get it, Donald. You have an outie. (ALLEGEDLY.) (Somewhere up under that svelte Big Mac frame.) (Allegedly.)

Trouble is, this time it’s less funny and more horrifying, because oh my god, he is literally going to get us all killed. It’s a shame nobody tried to warn us.

Oh yeah we forgot.

We’re with Nate Silver on this one:

While we think this is actually really fucking serious and if there was ever an excuse for Mike Pence and the Cabinet to shove Article 25 up Trump’s ass, this it it, we acknowledge Maggie Haberman right here, making an attempt at a light joke:

Let’s just all pray Trump thinks his Diet Coke button also controls the nuclear codes and wiser members of his inner circle have hidden the actual LOLOL CAN’T FINISH TYPING THIS SENTENCE, THERE ARE NO WISE PEOPLE IN HIS INNER CIRCLE.

On Tuesday, North Korea expressed a desire to reopen lines of communication with South Korea, mostly because North Korea really wants to go to Olympics next month. CNN has just reported that North Korea has officially re-established a long dormant “hotline” between the two countries, so we guess that conflict is over. (LOL joke!) So it will be interesting to see what happens with that.

Meanwhile Donald Trump is venting his babyshits thin-skinned insecurities on Twitter and maybe about to accidentally start a nuclear war, because he’s worried the unhinged North Korean leader with the shitty hair might have a bigger peener stick than the unhinged American leader with the shitty hair.

We are three days into 2018. Will we make it to six? Who the heck knows! It’s Trump’s America! MAGA MAGA MAGA MAGA MAGA!

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  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Oh my God I love this! Finally a leader that isn’t afraid to tell Kim Young’un to eat shit! AND BEST OF ALL IS ALL THE LIBERAL TEARS THAT ARE FLO—[nuclear flash]

    • Daniel Hooper

      The sad thing is? As the wave of fire engulfs a lot of them, their final thoughts will be, “Worth it!”

  • DerrickWildcat

    2018 sucks already. I don’t officially recognize it as a year.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Ummmm…. because he’s an unhinged psycho rageaholic who is normalized by jackasses like YOU?

    • Jenny

      Because he does it like a fucking idiot?

    • JohnBull

      Yes, I agree that Piers Morgan would find Trump refreshing.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      What is the German word for an idiot who asks stupid questions that have an obvious answer? Yes, it’s great if a President is in regular communication with the people. No, it’s not great if a President vomits all his insecurities and neuroses and ignorance for the whole world to see in a completely unfiltered and dangerous way.

      • Nockular cavity

        What is the German word…

        Piers?

      • Opiwan

        Drumpf

    • ariel_gee_398

      Piers Morgan, a man as stupid as he is annoying.

    • Nockular cavity

      Yes, if only previous Presidents had some way of communicating with the public regularly. Why didn’t anybody think of that before?
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/edb83ae9bc14ae33f936688d73cac559d1e8ba647e449830c004174b279b95ff.jpg

      • willi0000000

        now ^^^^THAT^^^^ is my kind of President!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I believe the correct Pommy locution is “jackarse.”

    • Hiss

      Because he is a moran. Candor is overrated.

  • Michael R
    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Hands and tits are too small.

  • Michael R

    “This is all about money laundering,” Bannon reportedly said, according to The Guardian. “Mueller chose [senior prosecutor Andrew] Weissmann first and he is a money-laundering guy. Their path to f*cking Trump goes right through Paul Manafort, Don Jr and Jared Kushner… It’s as plain as a hair on your face.”

    • Jenny

      Apparently Bannon is laughing his ass off in that interview. Oh god what if he was a mole. Will we have to thank Bannon???? Ohmgerds!

    • jesterpunk

      Who does Breitbart turn on first? Trump or Bannon?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Bannon should avoid comparisons including the phrases “plain as” and “on your face.”

  • ken_kukec

    Putin and Melania got big laughs outta that tweet.

  • rosenbomb

    Say it loud, for the people in back: FUCK THE GOP.

    • Parakeetist

      FUCK THE GOP

      • amrak63

        Who the fuck would WANT to fuck the GOP?

        • rosenbomb

          …fuck them with spiky votes. that leave them itchy for days

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      Anyone supporting these idiots has lost all right to claim ANY sort of high ground EVER again.

  • Parakeetist

    In case we all get blowed up pretty good, it was kinda okay knowing you. (Sniff sniff)

  • OrG

    This motherfucker has to go.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Trump should have joked that the button on HIS desk fetched him Diet Cokes.
    It would have bee Trump 1, Kim 0.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Push once for Coke, twice for Armageddon.

  • jesterpunk

    Nikki Haley said the US won’t accept any agreement made with North Korea. So even if they negotiated with the South the Trump administration will still try and attack them.

    • willi0000000

      surprise! . . . they’re going to treat the Norks like their cops treat blacks.

      “i surrender”

      OK. *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

  • Asterix

    “wiser members of his inner circle”

    There are none.

  • amrak63
    • Mehmeisterjr

      On the bright side, there were no commercial airline fatalities in 2017 because Trump is Our Co-Pilot.

  • dslindc
  • WilbyToad

    Here’s another take on Michael Wollf’s new book. (I posted the first one on the Bachmann thread just as the Wonkagenda page came up.)

    Bannon says Mueller will use Jared Kushner’s ‘greasy’ money laundering deals to ‘f*ck Trump’: report

    addition to slamming Donald Trump Jr. for having a “treasonous” meeting with Russian officials in 2016, former Trump political strategist Steve Bannon also reportedly believes that special counsel Robert Mueller will use alleged criminal activities by Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner to get to the president.

    In an excerpt of journalist Michael Wolff’s new book “Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House” published by the Guardian, Bannon says that Mueller’s probe will get to Trump by going after money laundering operations that purportedly run rampant at Trump properties around the world.

    by BRAD REED / RAWSTORY
    https://www.rawstory.com/2018/01/bannon-says-mueller-will-use-jared-kushners-greasy-money-laundering-deals-to-fck-trump-report/

    This book is a GIVER.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Maybe we need to take money laundering as seriously as we take possession of a joint in this fucking country, so that assholes with dementia who are indebted to foreign governments are prosecuted BEFORE they can become president?

  • Jenny

    I hope Clinton has built a bunk somewhere. We gonna need a leader for the survivors.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    His “button” isn’t really bigger. It’s just that the Dolt’s tiny hands make EVERYTHING he holds look huge.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Except penis. Nothing can fix that wee thing.

  • amrak63

    Dear Trump Chumps, third-partiers, and above all, the voluntary non-voters:

    https://i.imgur.com/exdy13O.jpg

    • CripesAmighty

      Never gets old.

  • Michael Smith

    This is what happens when some of the most ignorant yet entitled people in the world are able to elect their hero, the belligerent movie general that the President, thank God, never listens to in the end, to the highest office in the land.

  • jesterpunk
  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    he’s worried the unhinged North Korean leader with the shitty hair might have a bigger peener stick than the unhinged American leader with the shitty hair.

    Leaving out the hair–which I think is a tie–umm…have you ever seen any Asian pr0n? Hate to say it, but this is one Hair Twitler could actually win…

  • Jeffocaster in the East

    My dick’s bigger than your dick
    My dick’s bigger than yours.
    My dick’s bigger ’cause it’s been irradiated
    My dick’s bigger than yours…

  • Ilgattomorte

    Once again Donald Trump shows us he is a statesmen in the tradition of the greats who have come before him.

    I am reminded of Winston Churchill who said, “We shall fight them on land. We shall fight them on the sea. For if we fought them in their pants, there would be no contest!”

    Or Ronald Regan who said, “Mr Gorbechev, take down your tiny pathetic wall, and while you are at it, wipe that coffee off your head, fatty.”

    And who can forget Abraham Lincoln who stated, “A house divided against itself cannot stand, at least not like me. It’s like a tripod down there. There’s no problem down there, believe me.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You forgot “Talk loudly and carry a small peen.”

  • Belasaurius
  • Nockular cavity

    Make America Glow Already

  • Gayer Than Thou

    There are so many things about the Twitler administration to hate. Years from now, as we are huddled around the dying light of a fire in the bombed-out remains of whatever Mountain time zone city we fled to, we’ll get into pointless arguments about which thing was truly the worst. But for me, a top candidate is the way in which he makes me feel squicky about dick, which is one of the greatest things ever.

    • shivaskeeper

      I am truly sorry about that. But why would he make you squicky about dick? It’s not like his works or anything.

  • jesterpunk
    • amrak63

      GMTA (see earlier).

  • Scooby

    Just don’t press the button marked “核导弹”

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      kimchi?

    • puredog

      “Nuclear lead”?

  • Arse Grammatica

    Hillary would probably not be comparing the size of her dick with anyone right now.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      But she does have bigger balls than all of them.

    • renegade500

      Only because she wouldn’t need to. We know what she’s made of.

  • lucidamente

    In a world gone mad, it’s nice to know that you can always count on Maggie Haberman for clueless snark.

    • kilgoretrout

      Habes gotta habe.

  • texcynical

    I’m interested to know Susan Sarandon’s take on all this.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      blah blah blah blah, BERNIE, blah blah JILL, blah blah….

    • shivaskeeper

      HILLARY WAS A WARMONGER!!111!!11. WWIII WOULD HAVE BEEN ON DAY 2 SO WE GOT ALMOST AN EXTRA YEAR!!!!11!1!1.

    • Jack Tenhet

      “Toucha, toucha, toucha, touch me,

      I voted for Beeernie.”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Meh. My new mansion has a lovely fallout shelter.”

  • exinkwretch

    What’s it going to take for the Congressional cowards and cabinet to invoke the 25th Amendment? Will Trump have to run naked down Pennsylvania Avenue barking at the moon?

    • kilgoretrout

      I’d be more comfortable if he did that since he would be away from the Oval Office.

    • Asterix

      The Rethugs will do nothing until someone is dead. Even then most of them will be fine with whatever Trump does.

      The only way to get rid of Trump is a super majority of Dems in the House and Senate in 2019.

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      Are liberals shedding tears? If so, it’s all good with Republicans.

    • Hiss

      I’d pay to see a film clip of that. It would solve the size question, wouldn’t it?

  • jesterpunk

    Has Cillizza blamed Hillary yet? Did anyone ask Susan Saranwrap why Hillary would be worse?

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    The President of the United States is mentally ill.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      ya think???

    • ManchuCandidate

      Also stupid as fuck.

      • Jeffocaster in the East

        ya think x 100???

    • rocktonsam

      so is his cabinet and congress for dragging us along with this asshole.
      stop the horror!

      • amrak63

        And his voters are even more stupid, and the voluntary non-voters are the most stupid of all.

        Again, I say “voluntary”. The citizens who were prevented from voting by Russian and Republican (but I repeat myself) dirty tricks, or by plain bad luck, are blameless.

    • Bananas Foster

      Crazy and stupid is no way to go through life.

      • Snowbound Ron

        And yet millions manage somehow. It’s a mystery.

    • Jack Tenhet

      The whole of the republican are mentally ill.

  • Nounverb911
    • Jeffery Campbell

      Button, button, who’s got the button?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’d be more surprised if his rash broke out in some skin.

    • Boscoe

      +1 for Woody Tobias Jr. cameo.

  • (((Sedagive)))

    If nuclear armageddon is the price we have to pay to be a poorer, sicker, less-economically-competitive nation on a more rapidly dying planet, then it was worth it!

    Wait, what?

  • Nounverb911
    • ManchuCandidate

      Even a neoconservative clock is right twice a day.

      • DesertedPictures

        unmodulated hysteria? Nope.

        • Paperless Tiger

          He’s way over their heads. No wonder they lost control.

          • amrak63

            The neocons and the GOP Establishment could control Reagan and both Bushes, at the end of the day.

            It has dawned on them that they can’t really control Cheetolini.

            Wassamatta, Dr. Bill K. Frankenstein? Doncha like yer monster?

        • amrak63

          I wonder if he really believes that, or if he’s just doing the right-wing version of “virtue signalling”? (Their idea of virtue, of course.)

        • Covfefe

          But smug insouciance? That’s a winner.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I think he means Hillary critics. He would know.

    • Hemp Dogbane

      Today’s vocabulary words are:
      1) unmodulated
      2) hysteria
      3) insouciance
      4) complacency
      5) palinesque

      Remember to use them properly in a sentence.

  • Nounverb911
  • arglebargle
  • kilgoretrout

    Is it possible that this dance macabre is all orchestrated by Putin, Trump, and Kim, to distract us from the fact that Donnie is a Russian agent?

    • Crystalclear12

      Nope, Trump really is this stupid.

    • Covfefe

      No one around here can control Donald. What makes you think Putin or Kim can?

      • Ill-Advised

        Well, Putin is holding IOUs on him. A pee tape. And probably much, much more. If we live to find out, well be stunned by just how inconsequential and disgusting it was.

  • Nounverb911
    • Mehmeisterjr

      That’s easy. Some fooking eejit like Piers Morgan will praise his twittering.

  • DesertedPictures

    Can Trump simply invade NK or does he need a new war declaration from congress?

    • jesterpunk

      He can, congress gave the president that power when Shrub was POTUS and never took it back.

    • Snowbound Ron

      If he wants to charge across the DMZ with a rifle and a gold-plated helmet, I say we let him.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Dr Tinycock Or How I stopped Worrying And Welcomed Armageddon.

  • La forza del resistino

    LBJ’s self described preeminence in POTUS size will not be questioned. Period.
    “Down Where Your Nuts Hang, Is Always a Little Too Tight”

    • yyyaz

      True Fact: He named his peen “Jumbo.”

  • Nounverb911
    • kilgoretrout

      Haha no way – hands are way too big.

  • Bananas Foster

    I wish someone would just ask Trump to draw a fucking clock.

  • Shieldmaidenwannabe

    News flash to MAGA Trump worshippers: If/when a nuclear bomb hits, it won’t spare you. Just keep thinking about her emails.

  • jesterpunk

    I was just looking at Billie Joe Armstrong’s instagram feed and Trump supporters are saying Trump threatened to bomb North Korea to trigger liberals.

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BdeGzfTjDOX/

    • Jack Tenhet

      Yeah, when the nuclear winter starts, they’ll sure show us libtards, huh?

    • Ellie

      To trigger liberals?? Because “conservatives” look forward to dying in a nuclear war? Rather bizarre thought.

      • Jack Tenhet

        Argle bargle, The Rapture. Something, something The end times are nifty.

      • jesterpunk

        They only think California will be bombed and are actually looking forward to liberal states being destroyed. Even though California supports red states with their tax money.

        • Snowbound Ron

          Have they noticed yet that the prevailing wind blows from west to east?

          • jesterpunk

            No, they really dont understand anything and just want to piss off liberals. Its all about governing by spite.

        • Longstreet63

          Then, of course, it will be necessary to cut entitlements…

      • These are the same 4chan morons who think that getting a SWAT team sent to an innocent person’s house is a joke.

  • Ellie

    I’m just feeling relieved that we made it through 2017. I didn’t expect we would.

    • DesertedPictures

      One year down three/seven more to go. Unless he get’s the military to make him president for life (and then he can remake NY into a prison).

      • Ellie

        Happy thought.

      • Snowbound Ron

        He doesn’t know the President in that movie was a BAD guy, does he?

        • DesertedPictures

          Fake News. He was the best president. Why would they make him

          president for life, otherwise?

        • Longstreet63

          I don’t know how you can say that given how low that bar has dropped… I mean, he seemed fairly competent…

          • Snowbound Ron

            Yeah, I keep forgetting how low we’ve sunk. Donnie would have gotten rescued and then had the island nuked. And put Snake back in jail.

      • proudgrampa

        You optimist, you.

        • DesertedPictures

          I’m actually pretty optimistic. I don’t think Trump is smart enough to get personal loyalty from the military in three years.

          I think…

  • Crystalclear12

    Trying to decide whether or not to mail my mortgage payment.
    Hmmmmm.
    Will they have time to foreclose before we’re all dead?

    • kilgoretrout

      I guess I can put that bathroom remodel on hold.

      • Crystalclear12

        Long term planning does seem like wasted effort at this point.

        • Paperless Tiger

          The future is a little too bright.

        • kilgoretrout

          We should just drink tequila and find someone to dance with like in that tequila ad.

          • NorthernSaber

            I’m being completely serious when I say that I hope some economist tracks the sales of that brand as this year unfolds. Might be interesting…

        • Ghenghis McCann

          Is it even worth getting out of bed these days?

          • Crystalclear12

            Depends, where do you keep your alcohol?

          • Jeffery Campbell

            On the beside table of course, right next to the Benson & Hedges Menthol Lights, because… fuck it!

      • Longstreet63

        I’m still getting the furnace fixed today anyway. At least I can get the place up to 70 before it goes up to a million degrees.

        • Old town Urbandale

          70? Hell, go 80, since no one will be around to send the bill!

    • proudgrampa

      You mean I don’t have to send in the car payment?

  • Michael Smith

    Centuries after the nuclear winter, most of North America was an uninhabitable desert. Legends persisted of an ancient kingdom that existed in the heart of that desert.

    The kingdom had technology beyond the imagination. They could communicate with one another over long distances instantly. They had access to unlimited information at any moment. They had machines that lit up the night and conquered the darkness.

    They also had weapons capable of destroying entire civilizations in an instant. However, after an early prototype of these weapons proved to be incredibly devastating, the wise and good people of the kingdom prevented the weapons from being used, even as they grew more and more powerful. Eventually, the jealous and cowardly masses demanded that their leaders use these terrible weapons to smite all enemies who dared question the kingdom’s position as the greatest in the world. These evil little people chose a mad tyrant, who promised them he would use the weapons to punish insolence among the lesser kingdoms of the world.

    This earned the gods’ fury. When the tyrant attempted to use the weapons on a small defiant kingdom, the gods caused the weapons to instead destroy the great civilization. And that is why the continent is covered by a great desert.

    They say that even now, if you go too deeply into the desert, you will die a horrible death at the hands of the vengeful gods. Much sickness and disease visited on mankind now is a lingering punishment from the times when humanity’s greatest kingdom sought to establish its superiority on Earth through terror and capriciousness.

    • amrak63

      “The jealous and cowardly masses”

      Yep, that describes my fellow non-elite white Amurkans, for the most part. YEE-HAW!

    • DesertedPictures

      That’s the good version: at least they blame the right guy. I’m afraid it will however go something like this:

      And the people became whicked and they elected a Women, neigh, a Witch to lead them. And the righteous ones rose up and put the Last Great President on the throne. But the people rejected the Trump and the Gods weeped and gave him the power to smite the land.

      So dear followers: know your lesson. Never trust a woman!

      • Michael Smith

        Well, both legends may exist as competitors. After the one guy gets up and tells the first story, a second guy gets up and yells “FAKE NEWS!!” and then tells your version.

        • DesertedPictures

          And then the religious wars can start!

    • proudgrampa

      Well done. Where can I subscribe to your literary journal?

    • Opiwan

      The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

    • goonemeritus

      Does history tell us how it could have been even worse if we followed a leader with bad E-mail habits?

    • Grumpy Twat

      From my favourite novel, “Riddley Walker” by Russell Hoban.

      “Wen Mr Clevver wuz Big Man uv Inland they had evere thing clevver. They had boats in the ayr and picters on the win and evere thing lyk that. Eusa was a noing man vere qwik he cud tern his hand tu enne thing. He wuz werking for Mr Clevver wen theyr cum enemes aul round and maykin Warr. Eusa sed to Mr Clevver, Now wewl nead masheans uv Warr. Wewl nead boats that go on the water & boats that go in the ayr as wel and wewl nead Berstin Fyr.”

      Needless to say, things don’t go well. Set 1000 years in the future in a post apocalyptic England and written in an imagined English. Written in the 70’s, I did not think it would suddenly become so relevant again.
      It can be hard work to read, at first, but well worth the effort.

    • Naytch
  • La forza del resistino

    Donald is entering ‘the Mouse That Roared’ territory diplomacy-wise.

    • kilgoretrout

      “The Moron that Sharted”

      • tehbaddr

        The idiot that twatted!

    • The Wanderer

      Oy.

  • Crystalclear12

    Don’t worry, Pence will save us!
    I made a funny and a sad!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      lolsob

  • amrak63

    Dear third-party voters:

    https://i.imgur.com/G0gKy40.jpg

    • DesertedPictures

      There are two shelters in your area. One is filled with toxic waste. The other one is an inch smaller than recommended by your safety board. Don’t choose the lesser evil! Stay outside!

      • Crystalclear12

        Both the same!!!!!!

    • amrak63

      Or just hide under your Madoka-damned couch, where you sat on your sorry ass and wouldn’t vote at all, because you didn’t want to vote for “the lesser of two evils”.

    • Maybe they can take shelter in Jill Stein’s colon.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Her head takes up all the available space there.

        • Jimh

          Well Putin’s hand is way up there, too.

          • BreakingDeadMen

            He’s pushing the head deeper in.

      • Daniel

        It’s almost certainly very, very well looked after.

      • BearsEarsDeLaOursistance

        Careful, she’s never had any vaccines.

    • The Wanderer

      I’m a tad bummed out. My middle niece came over for dinner on New Year’s Eve and confessed that she voted for Gary Johnson.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Please let the NKns into the Olys so that they don’t nuke SK at least for the month of February.

  • Snowbound Ron

    Both of my daughters were born after the Berlin Wall came down; one of them was born after the collapse of Soviet Russia. I remember feeling so very thankful that they’d be growing up without the imminent threat of global thermonuclear war hanging over their heads, the way their mother and I had.

    Thanks a whole fucking LOT, America.

    • amrak63

      Too general.

      Thanks a whole fucking lot, Stupid White Folks of America.

    • Opiwan

      I’m 39, and remember the wall coming down and having my parents explain their relief at the diminished prospects of nuclear war and just smiling and nodding and thinking “old people are silly”. Now I face the prospect of explaining possible nuclear holocaust to my own kids, and I realize yet again how wonderful the naivete of childhood really is…

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        My nana grew up in Soviet Russia (and survived the Holocaust) and so she had plenty of SUPER KID FRIENDLY stuff to share, like how Russia would most likely burn us to death while we slept (thanks, Nana!). When the Soviet Union collapsed, I breathed such a sigh of relief and was able to sleep, finally.

        Well, now I have kids and I don’t sleep as well, and not just because my kids won’t let me.

        • Opiwan

          In Soviet Russia, trash burns YOU!

  • These two assholes are two peas in a pod, the stupid, evil sons of smart, evil fathers. Let’s not ever elect the spoiled brat scions of well-heeled predators ever again.

    I mean, Dubya was bad enough, but Vulgarmort takes the cake, the most beautiful chocolate cake.

  • anon_the_great

    North Korea doesn’t care what King Shit flames out his ass now that it is a nuclear power.

  • @MrsRazor66

    If it weren’t for Wonkette, I’d be only crying everyday instead of laughing and crying everyday.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    He can say whatever he likes, his penis is still tiny, like his pathetic, sad, shrivled, nasty, no-good-at-all babyhands.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Not as funny as Maggie Haberman’s political analysis.

  • proudgrampa

    Make sure you buy lots and lots of toilet paper. In the aftermath, you can trade it for food and bullets.

    • I’m spending it all on booze and strippers. I can wipe my ass with burdock leaves if it isn’t nuked.

  • Kryptonian Canis

    Oh great. The end of all human civilization will finally arrive because of one man’s deep-seated insecurity over the size of his penis.

    • I think we all expected that this would be the cause.

      • NastyBossetti

        If only I hadn’t stopped to proofread, I *might* have been first.

    • NastyBossetti

      That was always going to be the reason.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Seems legit.

    • Relativicus

      (Damn, Nasty Bossetti beat me to it.)

  • @MrsRazor66
    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Far too generous.

  • The Wanderer

    Haberman does not tell a joke. She has no right to do so, after carrying water for this homunculus.

  • Kryptonian Canis

    On the bright side, Trump’s obvious ploy for attention leading into 2018 (by grabbing our headlines by the pussy) seems to have backfired, as most of the nation is now turning to each other and saying things like, “Oh god, just how tiny IS this guy’s penis?”

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Meanwhile, CNN gets to the crux of the thing as always…

    https://twitter.com/CNN/status/948578151839469568

    • The Wanderer

      “Analysis by Cillizza.”
      Well, there’s your problem.

    • Kitty Smith

      That’s… nice? And not the problem?

    • NastyBossetti

      Oh, I feel SO MUCH better now! What a relief!

      • Old town Urbandale

        You know, it makes me wonder, did his minders install a dummy button on his desk and tell him it’s the nuclear launch button to boost his ego while not risking annihilation?

        • NastyBossetti

          Maybe he thinks every time he hits the Diet Coke button, he nukes another place?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Sure he does. McMaster installed it himself.

      https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/rFcAAOSwTM5Yw~zo/s-l300.jpg

  • Daniel

    This is the moment he became President.

  • schvitzatura
  • myexisinthetrunk

    Hey lil man – I got my Nuclear Button right Here – Unhh.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Relativicus

    I dunno, is nuclear holocaust really that big a deal?

    • Old town Urbandale

      Yeah, I mean, look, we dropped a couple nukes on Japan, and they became an economic and technological powerhouse! If we lose L.A. and New York to North Korean nukes, in thirty years, we’ll be on top of the world! And nothing would drain the Washington swamp faster than a nuclear blast! /s

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        There are some in this country who would be very happy to see California get nuked.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      There have been other holocausts and WE’RE still here.

  • Jimh

    My greatest fear is that Trump is so scared and cornered by Mueller et al., impeachment imminent, family indicted, etc., that he launches a nuclear first strike as a “distraction”. Because tweeting no longer works.

    • James

      The same issue came up during the Watergate fiasco under Nixon . . . at the time, President Nixon was alleged to be wandering around paranoid and was thought he might do the same. As such, the Pentagon instituted a protocol to ensure that an order from the President to launch missiles actually had to serve a military purpose.

      That does present a problem though: Trump could order a missile launch, but in reality it takes the Pentagon to carry it out. If the Pentagon refused, that would amount to a military coup.

      There really aren’t good answers here. While admittedly nuclear annihilation would be considered a bad day, a military in revolt against the civilian government would be pretty bad. Those almost always turn into military dictatorships, not known for such things as “human rights.”

      Since I sit in the middle of a bunch of Minuteman III crops, I likely won’t survive such a thing (but I get to go out in my yard with a bowl of popcorn and watch the biggest Roman candle display ever).

      It’s 9:40 in Mythical Time Zone, time for a drink.

      • Hiss

        We can, however, survive a military coup. Nations thoughout history have done so, and here we are.

        • James

          Nations indeed have done so; many others have devolved into civil wars.

          While Franco is still dead, his particular military coup in Spain was not particularly good for the country. Military coups in Latin America and Africa also turn out to be pretty bad.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Sad fuckin’ state of affairs we’ve gotten ourselves into.

          • James

            It wasn’t my fault: I voted for the sane candidate. Too bad the Dems didn’t see fit to run any candidates here for the House or Senate, but that was the state of affairs at the time.

            Now the Dems are working hard to change that: Senator Deb Fischer has a challenger (Jane Reybould) who is well-liked across the state as one who has fought hard for ranchers and farmers against the Keystone XL. We’ll have to see how that goes, but if I have some money I will definitely throw it her way (and against Trump and Moore-supporting Fischer).

          • Hiss

            Even if you devolve into civil wars, later on things change. If you devolve into nuclear war, not so much.

          • Boscoe

            I guess you haven’t heard of “genetic mutation”? ;P

          • Hiss

            Most genetic mutations are deleterious.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Seriously, if any one of us sent that tweet to someone substituting the word “gun” for “nuclear button” we’d be banned from twitter.

    • James

      The libertarian dudbros who run Twitter (and their Russian investors) aren’t going to trade something such as “national interest” for “profit.”

      • Rickyphoo

        I’m still a little surprised that they shut down that asshat in the cowboy hat over his “taste their own blood” twit.

  • Occam’s 8 ball

    I proudly voted for Hillary for president, and I think it is high time you wags stop blaming her for the Trump Presidency. I am sure there are other potential candidates that could have easily lost the electoral college vote.

    • amrak63

      Oc8, who are you talking to? This is a pro-Hillary site.

    • James

      I supported Sanders during the primaries, but when it became obvious that Sanders was not going to win, I also proudly supported Clinton. She is not the reason for Trump’s win.

      As I recall, she won by more than three million votes in the popular vote count (including the eight votes she got from my town here in Redstatistan). It is only the distribution of the electoral vote in a now-archaic system that handed Trump the election.

    • AnnieGetYerFun
  • Mirful
  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    are we sure the campaign slogan wasn’t “Make America Grate Again”?

    I would very much like to survive long enough to get a book out. it would be nice if the Obama administration hid the nuclear codes with all the intelligence that Russia fucked with our election. or maybe Mad Dog has it in his underpants where it will be safe from prying tiny hands as Mattis has probably told the president, “I have a really tiny dingaling and I cannot lie.” (yes, he can.)

    • James

      James Mattis has been stumping for war with North Korea since last October, No sanity there. (Pretty much anyone who signed on to the Orange Flotation Device’s administration is by definition a nihilist or flat out crazy.)

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        but has he been stumping for the nuclear kind of war?

        to be fair, his nickname is “Mad Dog”.

        • James

          Well, if North Korea sees itself under imminent attack from the USA, and they have some sort of nuke they can get here (by missile or other means, for example a ship), that war would go nuclear.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            their missiles don’t go that far and I doubt their ships could get that close.

          • James

            It doesn’t have to be on one of their ships.

            As for their missiles, their latest test (basically straight up) shows that missile type can hit most of the continental USA. That said, that doesn’t mean they have a warhead which would fit on the missile.

          • Boscoe

            I’ve always assumed they’d just blow up Japan and/or South Korea as a proxy.

    • phoenix00
      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        I thought Wallace was more a fan of soft cheeses…?

  • BearsEarsDeLaOursistance

    Nuclear obsession shouldn’t be too surprising with this one. After all, he is both a Fat Man and a Little Boy.

    • James

      LOL (rum spewed on keyboard . . . you owe me a new computer)

      • Bitter Scribe

        Hey! You get to drink rum in the morning while I have to work! No fair!

        • James

          I stay up at night. Morning is my night.

          Someone has to keep watch in my village overnight.

          I’m sorry you have to work; I’m just a lazy taker disabled vet.

          • Bitter Scribe

            No worries. I’m just jealous is all.

            Actually I’ve been out of work for more than a year and am scraping by on freelancing. I can drink in the mornings if I want, but I still have to make deadlines.

          • James

            I’m sorry you’re out of work. I recognise the deadline stuff, since I was elected to my village board and have to juggle my political deadlines with my erotic Romance editing job.

          • Bitter Scribe

            “Erotic Romance editing”? What is that…you edit romance novels? “This bodice needs to be more ripped!”

            Sorry. Didn’t mean to slag on your job. It’s probably a lot more interesting than mine…writing about things like electric motors and the supply chain for refrigerated food.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            That’s awesome, I always wanted to be a proofreader.

    • handyhippie65

      ba dum dum TISH!

    • phoenix00

      +2 B-29 Superfortresses.

  • Bitter Scribe

    He won’t nuke North Korea unless Putin tells him it’s OK.

    • James

      Interesting how Trump has bashed China over petroleum products reaching North Korea, when news reporting has Russian ships transferring those products at sea to North Korean ships.

      • Mike

        crickets…

      • theblackdog

        Yeah, very interesting. There is a rumor one of the ships was registered in Hong Kong so China has already said if that’s the case they will take swift action to punish the company responsible.

        • Boscoe

          Ah, I see China has figured out how the game is played…

    • phoenix00

      …. and the moment that happens he springs forces across eastern Europe.

  • James

    My wife the former Libertarian Party campaign treasurer just asked me “how much do you want to donate to Jane Reybould’s (D) run against Deb Fischer (R-NE Senator)?” I looked up the maximum amount that two people are allowed to donate to a campaign and asked “do we have that much?” (She is the Chancellor of the Exchequer of our household.)

    She said, “Yup.”

  • Mike

    Bring back “Duck and Cover” drills…I loved those drills back in the 50’s and 60’s, we wasted lots of time all piling down to the basement or cowering under our desks waiting for the bombs to drop…
    Ah, the good ol days.

    • James

      After those were discontinued, the schools I went to continued them as “tornado drills.”

      I suppose it didn’t matter much since a tornado would kill us all as well. . . .

      • Kooolest G

        nowadays my kid’s school has “active shooter” drills where they all hide in a closet and don’t make any noise. progress?

        • TakingAmes

          Um. No.

      • theblackdog

        Mine got turned into earthquake drills, at least when I lived in N. California

      • When you get right down to it, we really ought to bring back a little Civil Defense. Do you know where your nearest emergency shelter is? The designated evacuation routes in your area?

  • Moldy Weißwurst

    tRump is 71. At that age he likely has trouble getting his “missile” to launch out of the silo without the help of those little blue “Air Force” helpers.

    • mardam422

      Yeah. Seems no matter how many times I push her little red button nothing happens. Maybe it’s just me.

    • Rickyphoo

      Hey! I’m 71 and… nevermind, you’re right.

  • James
  • James

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLCF7vPanrY
    You’d never guess which country conducted the most nuclear tests. . . .

    • Regret

      Thanks! this is fascinating to watch!

    • JCfromNC

      JFC, it’s a wonder the southwestern US isn’t an irradiated hellscape incapable of supporting life by this point.

  • James

    There really is a Trump Tweet ™ for every occasion:

    The global warming we should be worried about is the global warming caused by NUCLEAR WEAPONS in the hands of crazy or incompetent leaders!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 8, 2014

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Isn’t that what they call a self-fulfilling prophecy?

      • handyhippie65

        i’d call it an idiot fulfilled prophesy.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Works for me.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Like either of these guys has seen their buttons in years.

    • handyhippie65

      that’s how i know i don’t need to diet. on a good day i can still see mine past my belly.

  • Khavrinen

    “Nuclear Madman Brags About Size Of Penis To Kim Jong-Un Anyone and Everyone. Frequently.”

  • chicken thief

    The Asian markets are doing just fine today – no sign of panic over Donnie’s nonsense so maybe they are better at ignoring his shit than we are.

  • willi0000000

    kushner’s “i’m a businessman. i have no loyalties.” mind is going to try to game the system when he has to testify . . . he’ll be looking for bodies to throw under the bus for leniency . . . and it looks like Mueller will be able to say “no deal, we already know all that.”

  • Boscoe

    So wait… Trump has a button for cokes AND a button for nukes? Don’t see any possible way THAT could go wrong…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPaWMiS6uUg

  • Calimaria

    This dude is begging to be fired as much as someone who takes a shit on his boss’ desk and fucks his wife. Let’s give him what he wants.

  • Relativicus

    Don’t fret folks. Threats of nuclear Winter will seem quaint in about 24 more hours when the Leader of the Free World, and President of the wealthiest and most powerful nation on earth, tweets out Razzies to various members and entities of our Fourth Estate.

    • Petunia Cat

      No! That’s on MONDAY at 5 PM. 😵🤤

      • Celtic_Gnome

        If we don’t win Best Dick Joke, I’m screaming RIGGED! at the top of my lungs.

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          We should all wear dick-shaped ribbons in support.

    • handyhippie65

      why would angela merkle tweet about american journalists?

  • William
  • Professor Fate

    I have to say that this latest insane Tweet about I’ve got the biggest bomb of them all seems to have pushed everybody’s crazy button. It’s reminding me of the reaction to Newt saying he shut down the government because Bill Clinton made him sit in the back of Air Force One.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I’d forgotten that one, good times.

  • Poly_Ester

    Just realized where I’ve seen Un’s suit before. Spicer used to wear it!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Trump’s dick is a joke, which makes this the perfect place to discuss such things.

  • JParkerSD46
    • phoenix00

      I’d FedEx one to every single American household and ask them all to hit it at once.

  • Poly_Ester

    Those of us that have the misfortune of surviving the first nuclear exchange between the US and whomever will not doubt be told how much Trump has grown as president as a result of the exchange.

  • eddi_the_Bad_Hombre

    I knew it. L’il Kim brags about his button and now Trump gets a bigger, shinier, boomier button. See ya’ll in the next life.

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