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Sometimes when I get nervous, I put my fingers under my arms, and smell ’em like this.

The Daily Beast ran a story Monday night raising a terrifying prospect: Anthony Scaramucci, the former 10-day White House Communcations Boy Wonder has been chatting up friends about his belief that Donald Trump and the Trump family miss him so much that they want him to come back to a White House job. According to “three sources who are close to Scaramucci,” the Trumps just can’t get enough of his frenetic yapping and would love to have him widdling on the briefing room carpet again, or at least somewhere in the West Wing. The sources said the Pooch

continues to brag that he and President Donald Trump talk on the phone, and that the Mooch believes his resurrection in Trump-world could be imminent. One of these sources said that the Mooch claimed he was flying out to either Washington, D.C. or Mar-a-Lago early this month to meet Trump to talk about it.

Reporters Lachlan Markay and Asawin Suebsaeng note a few problems with the Mighty Boosh’s purported ambitions, like the tiny detail that Donald Trump himself still thinks Scaramucci was an embarrassing self-aggrandizing attention whore, a position that is already filled. According to White House insiders, rumors of Mookie’s imminent rehabilitation are exaggerated:

“It would amaze and shock me if the president still talks to [Scaramucci] or is considering re-hiring him after what happened,” one senior White House official said. “And that is coming from someone who works in a place where nothing surprises me anymore.”

You have to love whoever that was, throwing shade on their bosses even as they try to squelch a rumor. Please contact Wonkette and let us know who you are. We won’t tell!

Those denying the story include the Scooch himself; Scaramucci texted the reporters to insist it’s all just wind in sails, and that he is Devo:

“[T]his is absolute nonsense,” he said in text messages to The Daily Beast. “Happy new year [and] be well. I have said nothing like that at all…Don’t believe BS.”

Scaramucci took to the Twitters Monday night to repeat his denial, albeit in less specific terms:

Despite the denials, Markay and Suebsaeng point out that Trump does indeed stay in touch with plenty of fired staffers, like Corey Lewandowski and Steve Bannon, so the possibility isn’t entirely zero, but that Scaramucci’s week and a half of hyperactive clownshit was more bothersome to Trumpland than some of the other Hell Madness cooked up by other lesser demons. Donald Trump was, they report, deeply disturbed by that insane New Yorker profile in which the Dooch said he’d fire the entire WH comms team, called Reince Priebus a “fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” and insisted that unlike Steve Bannon, “I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”

Trump was apparently so upset by the young man’s apparent instability that he wondered if that’s what other people see when they look at Donald Trump on TV. Ha! We are joking there, the man is incapable of such self-awareness. But he did ask around the White House about the Noodge’s weird rant in the interview:

“Is he on drugs?” Trump earnestly asked those around him, according to two White House officials and another Trump confidant.

Hmmm! Maybe that’s what Scaramucci thinks was the fake news, hmm? What was he sniffing off his fingertips, HENNGHHHH?

Anyway, the story closes with the observation that whether or not Team Trump wants him back, the Mulch is doing all he can to pretend he’s still an “unofficial surrogate for Trump” when he goes on cable TV, talking up what a great bunch of people fired him for being too crazy for them, and even saying nice things about Steve Bannon:

“As it relates to Steve [Bannon], I always got on with Steve,” Scaramucci told CNN host Dana Bash in a State of the Union interview that aired Sunday. “I guess there was a situation where he thought it was important for him to diverge with me [and] that’s fine, it is nothing personal for me. Steve and I, actually on a lot of the ideological areas, are quite similar. I think he’s a great writer and has been by and large a force for good, but there are certain things that he does that I don’t like.”

Isn’t that sweet? And if Steve Bannon autofellates, it’s only because he can, if you know what Mouche means and we think you do. Also, we think it’s simply pathetic that Scaramucci has set this as his ringtone, just in case the White House calls:

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click here to send us all-new 2018 money!

[Daily Beast]

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  • LiberalANDProud

    I guess his comment about Bannon sucking his own cock was just projection.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Those who can, do.

      • Major^3 Andre

        Those who can’t, wish.

        • Rooster Cogburn105

          Those who can’t are called perverts by co-workers if they can’t reach

  • LiberalANDProud

    Hey Tony, how’s the family?

  • Indiepalin

    Breaking: Scarmucci changes ringtone to “Too Drunk to Fuck” by the Dead Kennedys.

  • Michael Smith

    Honestly if you were writing a parody television series about American politics, in which one of the most self absorbed and incompetent American public figures is elected President, would you even be able to think of a character like the Mooch?

    • I think the producers would go “Naahhh… let’s not make it too unbelievable!”

      • Blanche de Shambles

        “Naming him after a commedia dell’arte character is just a bit ‘on the nose,’ don’t you think?”

        • Does he do the fandango?

          • Snowbound Ron

            Thunderbolts and lightning!

  • Jeffocaster in the East

    I am proud that Trump is considering recycling. Taking trash and well, ……..making trash.

  • Nounverb911
  • Gayer Than Thou

    “Is he on drugs?” Trump earnestly asked those around him, according to two White House officials and another Trump confidant. “And if so, will he share?”

  • MynameisBlarney

    Hey, it’s the Boneitis guy again.

  • calliecallie

    Michael Jackson was so incredibly talented. That video. Damn.

  • A Groucho Marxist

    I mean, if you’re looking for a huge distracting presence, you could do worse.

  • Oblios_Cap

    One of these sources said that the Mooch claimed he was flying out to either Washington, D.C. or Mar-a-Lago early this month to meet Trump to talk about it.

    Well, that explains one of the helicopter trips!

  • Teecha

    Just a reminder that in other countries, the stupid and wrong is also strong… this from a friend who teaches in Mumbai https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d4f4a9b37eafbeb18e23cf35cab48ac3cc94d165f7b183f0602b58a7facda3eb.jpg

    • Nockular cavity

      “Verify facts with men.”

      There, you see, ladies? Mansplaining is official.

      • Teecha

        My friend says that people are tweeting that they are stuck in the non-existent traffic and the non-existent protestors are pelting their cars with stones.

        • Stulexington

          I bet the stones don’t exist either.

          • Teecha

            Of course they don’t. If no man confirms it, how can they possibly be there?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      It looks like an awkward translation from Marathi.

  • Asterix

    I think this administration needs more Mooch, less Sarah Fuckabye Sanders.

    • SeeTrainWrecked

      This administration already have enough “Mooch” without Scaramucci.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      There’s something to be said for the “Make a Distracting Spectacle of Yourself” strategy of communications. It may be more effective than “Insistently repeat your boss’s stupid lies.”

      • Snowbound Ron

        Now be fair, She of the Mismatched Eyes tells lies of her very own from time to time.

  • msanthropesmr

    OT – Last day of vacation – what should I do with it? Read and non-comment on WOnkette and play video games all day? Or something else? It’s really cold outside.

    • Asterix

      Wrap up in a warm blanket
      Imbibe in warm alcoholic beverages
      Do whatever the fuck you want to do

      Know the rest of us are jealous

    • Major^3 Andre

      Don’t forget the alcohol and self gratification.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Wait on Beanie hand and foot. Duh.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I recommend building a fort out of blankets and pillows.

      • Snowbound Ron

        Do you recommend a couch for the foundation, or a simple love seat?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      I’d say hot chocolate, video games, and sexytimes; but not necessarily in that order.

    • Vel Venturi

      Internet noodling, gaming, hot chocolate, tasty foods and hopefully snuggles of some kind–these are the things I would personally be doing. Do those things. Stay warm.

  • The Wanderer

    Yeah, sure; why the fuck not? Seriously, how much further into the muck does Trump want to go?

    • Resistor Radio

      There is no bottom. It goes on forever. And ever. And ever. And then some more.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Ivanka I just fired the man.
    Pointed my finger at his head.
    Pulled the trigger now he’s career dead.
    Ivanka his job had just begun…

    I hear the rants of an asshole of man
    Scaramucci Scaramucci he’s doing “the hire me again” fandango.
    Cock sucking lightning… Very self aggrandizingly. Oh figaroooooooo

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Magnifico!

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    a) well, President Dachshund Farts does have to pillow talk with someone when Corey and Steve aren’t answering.

    b) is it possible he was fired for “getting on Steve” too much? like, “Moochie, I am very very very disappointed that I smelled your dick when I was rubbing mine on Steve this morning. you are not allowed to rub your dick on the people I rub my dick on. you’re fired.”

    c) yes, you and Steve are actually both trying to suck your own cocks. we know. but it’s “Adam and Even”, not “Tony and Steve”.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I could really use somebody to keep John Kelly off my case. Also, Mooch always had the best PCP. Always.”
    — Donald Trump

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I’m not going to stand here and suck my own cock, like Kim Jong Un.”
    — Mooch makes his bid for UN ambassador

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I hear Omarosa’s office is still empty.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      They probably call it “the slave quarters” in the White House. Waiting for another self-loathing black person to show up looking for a job.

      • janecita

        Paris Dennard is perfect for the job.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          “Herman Cain on line one for you, Mr. Trump.”

          • janecita

            OMG, I had totally forgotten about the guy! Did you know that we speak Cuban in Cuba?

            https://youtu.be/2IG7NxylGLg

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Really? No shit? Who knew!?!

          • janecita

            Yup, we don’t speak Spanish. Spanish is for the weak!

          • Beelzebubba

            And Latin in Latin America.

          • ahughes798

            Ubi ignis est, homo stultus?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Sheriff Joe Clarke at your service, massa!

        • Rooster Cogburn105

          Also answers to “Flair”

      • theblackdog

        Has Cornel West done enough bitching that Obama didn’t kiss his ass enough to want to work for the orange one?

  • TJ Barke

    Man, I thought this guy’s tenure as press sec was a fever dream…

  • Crystalclear12

    To crazy for the Trump administration.
    Holy shit!
    Damn!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Why am I always the last one to find out about shit like this?

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BdWUaXsHQsd/

    • janecita

      Would you really want to watch that crappy, overrated, sappy movie on New Years Eve?

      • MynameisBlarney

        lol

        not really, no.

      • Stulexington

        Yeah, I love something to laugh at while I’m drunk.

        • Snowbound Ron

          Rifftrax gives you that without insulting your taste.

  • memzilla Ω

    Hitler fired General Heinz Guderian three times. Maybe that’s why Mooch thinks Twitler will take him back, he’s got two more chances. Except for the fact that Mooch is NOT A FUCKING GENIUS PANZER TACTICIAN.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    The Mooch talking about “standards”. I know irony is dead, but JFC.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Okay, when I got to “the Mulch”, I snickered. Chortled, even.

  • Asterix

    Trumpy is going on three hours of tweeting this morning. The latest is his prediction that the Dreamers are going to dump the Dems for the Repthugs…

    • ariel_gee_398

      I guess this is what getting back to work looks like.

      • Asterix

        He needs the break after nearly two weeks of golf.

        • Snowbound Ron

          Don’t worry, he’ll be back on the links by Thursday, Friday at the latest.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Or being REALLY constipated for the last week.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Back on the throne?

        • Snowbound Ron

          Two weeks of KFC is REALLY binding.

          • Erala Contratista

            Since when does grease bind?

      • cmd resistor

        His first (and only, apparently) scheduled event today is lunch with Pence and the labor sec.
        It’s kind of how they start school kids back in the middle of the week after vacation so they can ease into it, I guess,.

        • Beelzebubba

          “Lunch with Pence and the labor sec.”
          This cannot be good news for U.S. laborers.

    • janecita

      Who the fuck cares?! They can’t vote anyway!

    • TJ Barke

      Yes, they really will flock to a party that wants to kick them out of the country they have known almost all of their lives for the crimes of their parents…

    • Paperless Tiger

      He got a lot of ideas hanging out with his fellow Florida men.

    • Vel Venturi

      He’s also taking credit for aviation safety. I guess he wants to drive a plane now like a big boy, whoosh whoosh! Thank goodness our Dear Leader makes the magic that makes planes fly.

  • williams517

    Off topic: Got about 3 hours of sleep tonight. Should be a fun day at work.

    • janecita

      Caffeine is your friend, also sugar and heavy metal:-)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh, so you’ve got a needy cat, too?

      • janecita

        Is that what the kids are calling it?

  • Paperless Tiger

    God, that Tweet sounds like a generic Trump Tweet. Mooch has been subsumed.

  • Professor Fate

    Again the wooden stake was in there for a reason. But no you had to go and pull it out. .

  • ahughes798

    That is the Michael Jackson I will always remember.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      “Sit down girl, I think I love you….no get up girl and show me what you can do……shake it shake it baby….oo ooooo”

    • You go to war with the Michael Jackson you have, not the Michael Jackson you wish you had.

  • Mooch is awesome, he’s the perfect kooky neighbor character, complete with a couple of memorable catch phrases.

    Wait, this isn’t a sitcom? These people are actually in charge of the countey?

    *SOBS*

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      All it’s missing is Scott Baio. Oh…wait.

      • JohnBull

        No, he’s there. It’s all Bob Loblaw all day.

      • Chachi and Mucci, goombas for life,
        Making America great!
        Chachi and Mucci, they’re on a comeback,
        All of their fans just can’t wait!

    • anon_the_great

      The problem with this White House is everyone is trying to be Zaphod Betelbrox

      • Stulexington

        Which has been played out so is boring and unoriginal so they’re trying to do it ironically when they don’t understand irony.

    • Resistor Radio

      He’s definitely more Larry than Mr Roper

      • Beelzebubba

        More Larry than Moe or Curley.

        • Snowbound Ron

          Dr Fein libel. He’s clearly Shemp.

      • More Sqiggy than Lenny

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Why won’t this asshole just GO AWAY?

    • anon_the_great

      It’s one of the Galic horror stories in which the wraith survives only if the peasants believe in it.

    • Snowbound Ron

      Attention whore.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Geeze, that asshole is still around? Slowest-acting case of Boneitus EVER.

  • Jeffocaster in the East

    Scara mooch scara mooch can you do the fandango…..????

  • anon_the_great

    Dok deserves a Pulitzer for injecting The Mighty Boosh into our national political discourse.

    • Resistor Radio

      I had to look it up, and that’s surprising given my love of britcoms.

      • I originally read that as Bitcoins… I need to finish that cup of coffee.

      • Snork Maiden

        We own all three seasons. Always my go to when I need a reboot. It is however an acquired taste. I know many who do not see the humour. But my kids sing the Llama song everytime someone says the word Llama.

    • doktorzoom

      I really should watch more than the two episodes I’ve seen, huh? Liked it, but like so much stuff, started but never finished the binge

    • Snork Maiden

      Yeah. Another Boosh fan.

  • Snowbound Ron

    You’d think, with the Federales closing in on the whole damned administration, that the Mooch would want to keep his distance. But no, he’s trying to run INTO the fire. Nice timing, Tony.

    • HazooToo

      He’s the guy who wanders in front of the cameras for attention while the press is reporting live on an active shooter.

    • anon_the_great

      Maybe it’s a Hurt Locker thing

    • Resistor Radio

      He’s not the fastest knife in the shed.

      • weejee

        Nice derp state mixed metafour.

        • Resistor Radio

          *bows*

    • Stulexington

      thinking is not something I attribute to anyone who wants to work for the Trump administration.

    • NellCote71

      When former Texas Governor John Connolly switched to the Republican Party during the height of the Nixon scandals, the late, great Senator Ralph Yarborough said it was the first time he had seen a rat swimming toward a sinking ship.

  • TundraGrifter

    I’m sure they will hire this fool – right after they bring “Sheriff” David Clarke into the Administration.

  • weejee

    Looking at yer lede photog Dok, it appears that vertically-challenged Mooch has bigger hands than the Orange Offal. Sad

  • Scooby

    He watched too much Andrew Dice Clay in his youth.

  • msanthropesmr

    Beany filed an injunction and reclaimed his bed, at least temporarily. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a13d346176dd2218bac8467bce6ef00e577d51b70ff42cb7dad2c877b97526c9.jpg

    • weejee

      Doing well?

      • msanthropesmr

        Seems to be doing great! No coughing, appetite is great! He’s got 12 weeks or so to go, but seems to be doing real well.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Good on him. That green collar looks great with his coloring!

      • msanthropesmr

        He went to a personal shopper, who helped him choose it.

    • Resistor Radio

      Aw he’s just the cutest!

      • msanthropesmr

        DO you have heat and water back?

        • Resistor Radio

          Water, no. Heat, sort of? It’s blowing at 58 degrees (thermostat is set to 70) which is well above the 10F outside. But it’s not raining so at least the roof isn’t leaking on me.

  • Duke

    Good God… I need more train videos. Or a sedative. Or both.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Oh, dear, dear, sweet Baby Jesus… I’m sitting here dying! Some time ago I left an Amazon review of the “Trumpy Bear” that read thusly:

    I got the Trumpy bear because we’re old and retired and love Trump. The first thing it did was beat up on my 2 black cats, then it left us to go live with our neighbor across the street who has a Russian Blue. If you’re a cat owner, make sure you have a safe cat for Trumpy Bear.

    I just got an email from Amazon saying that someone had asked a question about my review. The question: “Is this real or fake?”

    • Resistor Radio

      GAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

    • Snowbound Ron

      I can’t tell which part of that is funnier. I genuinely can’t.

      • Marion in Savannah

        I figure the question had to come from a Trump voter. Or someone who is severely brain damaged. Come to think of it, that Venn diagram would probably be a solid circle.

        • theblackdog

          I would be tempted to say “It’s real”

          If they demand proof, photoshop a picture of the bear with a Russian Blue cat.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Republicans….quick studies, ain’t they?

  • Spotts1701, Porg Wrangler

    Less than 36 hours into 2018 and the torrent of bullshit continues apace.

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      The fat fuck abusing his toilet texted all morning.

  • Ergoetal

    No standards left in journalism anymore?

    This, from the little scumbag? Who wouldn’t know journalism if he slept with it?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Oblios_Cap

      No, I pretty much thought it was that bad.

  • William
  • Notreelyhelping

    Isn’t that what happens with dying sitcoms? You bring back popular characters to keep the ratings on life support? Tune in next week! It might be the Mooch! It might be the Fonz!

    • theblackdog

      Oh god, do we really need to entertain the prospect that later they’ll try to throw a wedding?

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        They’ve already jumped the shark.

        • theblackdog

          Roseanne could help direct it.

      • Notreelyhelping

        “If there’s anyone here who claims this man and woman should not be—“

        General sound of hubbub as the guests turn, and sting music as the camera zooms in on….

        “Oh no! It’s Roy Moore!”

        • theblackdog

          “That’s the harlot that got me banned from the mall!”

    • Master Contrail Program

      It could be Maude Flanders or Eric Foreman!

    • Master Contrail Program

      Yeesh. Next they’ll have some foreign holiday episode. Oh wait.

    • Querolous

      Not a sitcom, but I would take a “What the hell – we don’t know what to do next” ending ala The Sopranos.

  • GreenGoldSharpie

    Why is anyone still talking about this dried out turd?

    • Snowbound Ron

      Can you be more specific? Which dried out turd?

      • GreenGoldSharpie

        So many to choose from…

      • Hiss

        Elephant dung.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Hey, dried out turds can be used as fuel for a fire. They’re much more useful than Scaramucci.

  • Gigglesnort

    Scaramucci as Communications Director would only have been an idea good for a laugh in any rational Administration. But Trump liked the guy, and he said all the right fawning words, so he was in. That’s how most of the Trump team got in.

  • Sheryl Macy

    Thanks for the Jacksons. They have elevated my joy levels.

  • theblackdog

    He specifically said that orange one and orange daughter want him back? They’re fucking.

  • Daniel Hooper

    The last pet dog I owned was named Angel, but we always referred to her as a mooch because of her shameless begging for food. We still loved her a lot, though

    Anthony Scaramucci is no Angel in any sense of the word, and he’s ruining the good name of mooching.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Minnie the Moocher agrees with you.

      • Erala Contratista

        Hydee hydee hi!

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    OT, but WTF:

    Giuliani’s digital strategist works for facebook. Kinda explains some things. https://t.co/CFwSWY3bPC— Melinda Byerley (@MJB_SF) January 2, 2018

  • Michael R
  • Squeegee

    Jared ought to be suspicious when Ivanka comes home with orange spray tan on her silk blouse and she develops a proclivity for wanting to start taking it from behind.

    • Daniel

      From behind what?

    • BrianW

      “Oh honey, back to how things were on our honeymoon!”

  • Master Contrail Program

    I guess Moochie’s home planet didn’t need him afterall.

    • BMW

      Only his career died on his way back to his home planet.

  • artem1s

    egads, 2018 is really going to be worse than 2017 isn’t it?

    • GreenGoldSharpie

      Only if you’re not a deplorable arsonist toadie.

    • Resistor Radio

      Egads is my favorite mild oath.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Not “Gadzooks?”

      • doktorzoom

        Zounds!

        • Resistor Radio

          That is a new one for me!
          Thanks Dok, yay!

      • Querolous

        Strewth!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I’d like to buy him and an Australian diplomat a drink or ten, and shoot the breeze about the White House.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Damn! The radar is showing that it’s snowing around Houston and in the Gulf of Mexico. Obviously, Climate Change is fake!

  • Bananas Foster

    Fuckabee would eat the Mooch for a midnight snack and still wake up hungry for breakfast.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • Daniel

      The only things on her book shelf Lauren’s read are the cut out J and L.

    • Resistor Radio

      Can you imagine how awful it would be to not enjoy reading?

      • BrianW

        No, I cannot imagine it. I CAN imagine that those books are all hot-glued together as props, but I cannot imagine what you suggest.

        • Teecha

          She bought them by the metre.

          Why bother? If you don’t read, don’t put books on your shelf to catch dust. Just put the fucking alphabet on there and call it good.

          • BrianW

            Your logic is, of course, impeccable.

          • Teecha

            I lurned it wen I red a buk

          • Hiss

            Why would she need the alphabet? The pretty shapes?

      • Teecha

        No.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        The only thing I hate about reading books is that there isn’t a commenting section.

        • Resistor Radio

          You could just hang out in the OT and live-blog the book you’re reading.

          • Robbertjan Brandenburg

            I should have done that while reading American scream.

          • Resistor Radio

            Okay, that would have been interesting to read your non-comments

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Hey, there are no comments allowed on Wonkette. What’s the diff?

    • Ellie

      Why? I mean, what else do people use books for except to enhance the decor? I mean…she certainly isn’t going to…what’s the word? Oh yes. She certainly isn’t going to READ them.

    • Stulexington

      Yes, your decor should always scream “I don’t use this.” Next trend: putting coffee tables on the wall to add dimension to your living space.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Pro-tip: When you have your books arranged the way you like, glue them in place to preserve the desired aesthetic.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      This is such a common thing right now in interior decor (along with the rebirth of macrame, and a weird penchant for having a large-leafed fig tree potted in an expensive Moroccan rope basket).

    • Hiss

      A few years back there was a recommendation to give your bookshelves a fresh, new look by turning the dust jackets inside out so they would all be white. I wish I were joking.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Scaramucci talking about “standards” (“no standards left in journalism any more,” really, Mooch? with a straight face and everything?) compels one to believe that the gods of irony are indeed in charge of the Cosmos, and that their loud, raucous laughter tumbles through the night skies like the Aurora Borealis.

    Although the fact is, gods of irony, we had already guessed that you’re actually running everything: we guessed it back in November of 2016, at the very latest.

    • Daniel

      I guessed when I was attending a wedding in inclement conditions, reached for a Chardonnay to console myself and found a black fly in it.

      I don’t even want to talk about the cutlery situation.

      • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

        This is more in the territory of Mr Play It Safe packing his suitcase and kissing his kids goodbye, but point taken.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Well, since no one wanted his book, he has to do something to get attention I guess.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He’d get more attention by sucking his own dick. I’m just sayin’.

  • Dutchman

    Full disclosure: I did not write this but wish I had. Also unable to find the source for attribution. But I thought it might be fun for my fellow Wonkers.

    “Dear Fucking Lunatic,
    I read with interest your recent interview with The New York Times. I couldn’t get past the bit about your being the most popular visitor in the history of fucking China — a country that’s only 2,238 years old, give or take.
    Do you know how fucking insane you sound, you off-brand butt plug? That’s like the geopolitical equivalent of “that stripper really likes me” — only 10,000 times crazier and less self aware.
    You are fucking exhausting. Every day is a natural experiment in determining how long 300 million people can resist coring out their own assholes with an ice auger. Every time I hear a snippet of your Queens-tinged banshee larynx farts, I want to crawl up my own ass with a Union Jack and claim my sigmoid colon for HRH Queen Elizabeth II.
    We are fucking tired. As bad as we all thought your presidency would be when Putin got you elected, it’s been inestimably worse.
    You called a hostile, nuclear-armed head of state “short and fat.” How the fuck does that help?
    You accused a woman — a former friend, no less — of showing up at your resort bleeding from the face and begging to get in. You, you, YOU — the guy who looks like a Christmas haggis inexplicably brought to life by Frosty’s magic hat — yes, you of all people said that.
    You attempted — with evident fucking glee — to get 24 million people thrown off their health insurance.
    You gave billions away to corporations and the already wealthy while simultaneously telling struggling poor people that you were doing exactly the opposite.
    You endorsed a pedophile, praised brutal dictators, and defended LITERAL FUCKING NAZIS!
    Ninety-nine percent of everything you say is either false, crazy, incoherent, just plain cruel, or a rancid paella of all four.
    Oh, by the way, Puerto Rico is still FUBAR. You got yourself and your family billions in tax breaks for Christmas. What do they get? More paper towels?
    Enough, enough, enough, enough! For the love of God and all that is holy, good, and pure, would you please, finally and forever, shut your feculent KFC-hole until you have something valuable — or even marginally civil — to say?
    You are a fried dick sandwich with a side of schlongs. If chlamydia and gonorrhea had a son, you’d appoint him HHS secretary. You are a disgraceful, pustulant hot stew full of casuistry, godawful ideas, unintelligible non sequiturs, and malignant rage.
    You are the perfect circus orangutan diaper from Plato’s World of Forms.
    So happy new year, Mr. Pr*sident. And fuck you forever.
    Oh, and Pence, you oleaginous house ferret. Fuck you, too.
    Sincerely,
    Everyone

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Now that’s what I call ‘Fair and Balanced.’

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    • MynameisBlarney

      This.

    • Ellie

      Bravo or Brava, whichever is appropriate.

    • Snork Maiden

      This was my first read today. made me laugh out loud whilst also crying a little with the thought of what this year holds for us

    • chiefkurtz
      • Dutchman

        Thank you.

    • Feculent is my word of the week and its only..whatever day this is, I get confused during xmas etc.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      “You are fucking exhausting. Every day is a natural experiment in determining how long 300 million people can resist coring out their own assholes with an ice auger. Every time I hear a snippet of your Queens-tinged banshee larynx farts, I want to crawl up my own ass with a Union Jack and claim my sigmoid colon for HRH Queen Elizabeth II.”

      I am trying so hard not to laugh, but tears are absolutely streaming down my face right now. Not sure which is worse for my career at this point.

      • Dutchman

        Dog save the Queen…

    • Querolous

      I went looking for an image of Aldous J. Pennyfarthing and found this. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/50cf8f154821dedafc786f766efa23f5635505c4e4671eef39e8a297cde5a990.gif

    • NellCote71

      Shakespearean.

  • Squeegee

    This guy has the hair style that short guys adopt to try to make them look a little bit taller.
    But it always ends up reminding me of Joe Pesci without the hair plugs.
    I bet he wears platform shoes like Tom Cruise also.

  • jesuswasablack

    “Steve Bannon autofellates”
    So he got the herpes from himself?
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DHOviZ9WAAEgfyP.jpg

    • Daniel

      That is the expression of a man with all the most pustulant STDs receiving the diagnosis and knowing his only partner has been his hand.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        What a fool! He should have had his hand thoroughly tested before he started messing around with it.

    • Teecha

      Where’s the blood on his collar come from?

      And is he actually alive?

      • TundraGrifter

        Unicorn blood. He shortstopped Dick Cheney’s supply.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        That’s actually a ‘shopped photo from an Onion story that claims he eats the White House interns.

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      I think I understand this guy now!

      That’s not his face; his neck grew a mushroom.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Beanz&Berryz

    “… because he can…”

    The punchline of the BEST joke in middle school!

    “Why does a dog lick his own balls?”

    “Because he can”

  • TundraGrifter

    “No standards left in journalism anymore.” The statement of an idiot. By definition “journalism” has high standards. Otherwise, it’s just garbage. Which has always been with us – just much more available now than in the past. Although there was a time in America when almost every literate adult read the newspapers, highly biased as they were.

    • OutOfOrbit

      and there were newspapers of all stripes, kind-a like the inter-toobs

      • TundraGrifter

        Most of which were highly partisan, depending on the era one researches. For example – it’s tricky to precisely document the Lincoln-Douglas Debates today because while they were reported verbatim in various newspapers, what was “quoted” was highly colored by the political persuasion of the particular paper. They were not above just making up “quotes.”

  • The Librarian

    Mooch is doing what he does best. Mooching off a limelight that’s no longer his and trying to stay relevant.

  • Snork Maiden

    Major upfists for Mighty Boosh reference.

    • LeftyProud

      I was just thinking that!

  • Donald Trump was, they report, deeply disturbed by that insane New Yorker profile
    in which the Dooch said he’d fire the entire WH comms team, called
    Reince Priebus a “fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,” and
    insisted that unlike Steve Bannon, “I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”

    Obviously the dotard is most disturbed about the cock sucking thing. He can’t even SEE his cock!

  • CaliCheeseSucks

    Jesus Christ, I fucking hate all of these assholes.

  • davej1s

    The Scooch should be paying Ms. Wonkette each day just to mention his sorry name.

  • Uncle Mark

    Is the Mooch’s delusion related to the fact that it seems that he and the wife are reconciling? The irony is that the wife left him in the first place because of his obsession with Trump. Does this mean that he’s willing to sacrifice his wife for Trump again?

  • xbutter

    This ➡” the tiny detail that Donald Trump himself still thinks Scaramucci was an embarrassing self-aggrandizing attention whore, a position that is already filled.” is worth another $10 donation. Well done

    • doktorzoom

      Thank you!

  • Mike

    He’s like the human personification of Scrappy Doo …no mater how much you slap him around he not only bounces back, but seems to like it…?
    No to the Mooch, he’s yesterday’s news…

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    OMG PLEASE LET THIS BE TRUE

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Whereas Sarah Huckabee Sanders can be counted on to stick to the moronic talking points of her administration, the Mooch can’t help himself, drinks too much, and blabs his stupid face off constantly. That is EXACTLY the kind of guy I want talking to the Press Corps.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      He would be more entertaining and much less depressing than the Huckster with her sullen faced lies.

  • Mavenmaven

    He’s like the Kato Kaelin of the Trump era.

    • Bebecca

      Perfect analogy but Kato was in the spotlight much longer than the Mooch. It was what, ten days from beginning to end?

  • Raan

    Clearly, Ant’ny isn’t familiar with the saying “don’t believe your own press”.

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    “Is he on drugs?”

    Hell, boy! It would be better if everyone in this story were on drugs. Good ones, like good old Colorado Cannabis (Coming soon to a California retailer near you!). Might settle you all down a bit.

    • SDGeoff3

      We await with great anticipation.

    • Rooster Cogburn105

      Lithium at a few points under LD50 for Rattus norwegicus in the water supply

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Yeah, drugs get a bad rap as a generic reference. I always see “Is this guy on acid” and the like, whereas 9/10 acidheads are more perceptive and less batshit than average Republicans.

  • Patrick Cox

    Zoom, I always thought you were named after Bruce Springsteen’s band prior to the E Street band, Dr. Zoom and the Sonic Boom.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      I also didn’t read the comments either too. Muthalicka.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Yeah, Crown Princess Knee Candy is spending all of her valuable time promoting her own clothing brand and packing herself and Jared for the midnight flight out of jurisdiction.

    And she has time for the likes of you? Keep telling yourself that, Moochie.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I love the innocence of the Wonkette staff. You actually think the Mooch just puts his fingers under his arms before he smells them?

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    I didn’t even finish reading the article yet but –

    **MIGHTY BOOSH LIBULZ!!!11!!11!**

  • Joshua Norton

    brag that he and President Donald Trump talk on the phone, and that the Mooch believes his resurrection in Trump-world could be imminent.

    I’m trying to imagine the amount of cocaine someone would have to snort to even begin to believe any of that crap was true.

  • Zyxomma

    He’s still alive?

  • ChumpsForTrump

    Mr. Scamarooni is sad that his 10 days of fame are over, so he’s back sucking around twitler again.. lol

  • phoenix00

    Don’t blame him, he’s just trying to #lastlongerthanflynn

  • SeeTrainWrecked

    “I’m not Steve Bannon. I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”

    It feels good to know this is ALL Mooch will ever be known for.

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