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CHRISTMAS BONE ZONE

Here is a guy who is going to have a Merry Holiday! Excuse us, CHRISTMAS, A MERRY FUCKING GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS is what he is going to have, because Donald Trump has rescinded the Obama-era regulation that banned Christmas. It is Pennsylvania GOP Rep. Mike Kelly, and he has decked his balls with holly and he’s making out with a Trump-flavored buttplug under the mistletoe, all because of Trump! Yes, indeedy, Kelly told Fox News Trump TV that Trump has made America so great again that this Christmas, people in Pittsburgh are DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH about Trump, fully “erect” now that we have a REAL president.

Catch this man’s joy and try not to choke on it:

I will tell you what.

Tell us what.

For those people on the Trump train or not on the Trump train, this is high-speed rail right now.

High speed rail? Too soon, bro.

And so if you’re not on the Trump train, you get on the train or get off the tracks. You’re gonna get run over.

35% approval rating! One legislative accomplishment this whole year, and it was a shitty one that Americans hate! FEEL THE TRUMPMENTUM!

Look, the House had done its work in the appropriations. We had our 12 bills ready to go. Unfortunately it didn’t get through the Senate. But the big news — the big news is for America, you look at today, and I can tell you walking around the streets of Pittsburgh, people walking more erect …

Pittsburgh, PA: FULLY ERECT FOR TRUMP!

Of course, Think Progress points out that ACTUALLY Pittsburgh hates Trump and ACTUALLY Pittsburgh voted for Hillary Clinton and ACTUALLY Trump’s approval rating in Pennsylvania is in the shitter, but no matter.

Tell us more about the erections of Pittsburgh, crazy man!

… not just whispering ‘Merry Christmas’ but saying ‘Hey, Merry Christmas.’

Pittsburgh will #NeverForget the dark ages of tribulation, when saying “Merry Christmas” above a certain decibel level was sure to land you a night in the slammer. These days, they say HEY, MERRY CHRISTMAS, and they are ERECT WHILE DOING IT.

You can feel it, you can see it. And I’m not just bumping sunshine for the sake of bumping sunshine.

How does one “bump sunshine”? Is it something erect Pittsburghers do? Does it hurt?

I am telling you, this is a different country. In 11 months, this president has changed the entire complexion of our entire country …

To white?

… and our place in the world.

Yeah buddy. Our place in the world sure has changed. Hey, did y’all hear UN Ambassador Nikki Haley is throwing a special slumber party but ONLY for the countries that didn’t tell us to fuck off with our Jerusalem declaration, which sounds no fun because pretty much ALL THE COUNTRIES told us to fuck off? Have fun staying up late and eating pizza with Palau and the Marshall Islands, Nikki Haley. Real Coalition Of The Willing you got there.

We are no longer leading from behind, we are leading from the front and everybody else is looking to us and saying ‘go, go, go.’

Go AWAY. They are saying go the fuck AWAY. They are saying “Donald Trump is not welcome in our country, which is America’s oldest ally. the United Kingdom.”

Pew Research looked at global opinion of Donald Trump and this is what it found about different countries and their confidence Donald Trump will do “the right thing”:

Ouch. (We are sorry, world! Most of us in America are still good and kind and wonderful and DIDN’T VOTE FOR THAT MOTHERFUCKER and DON’T WORRY, WE ARE WORKING ON GETTING A BETTER CONGRESS ELECTED NEXT YEAR, and also if any of your intelligence agencies are sitting on nasty dirt on Trump, we wouldn’t get upset if it somehow leaked out.)

Well, folks, that’s the end of Congressman Mike Kelly’s rant. We hope it boned you up right nice in the Christmas cheer department.

No? Oh well, guess you’ll just have to start drinking instead.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS Y’ALL.

Speaking of, this is your open thread, so we’ll see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya hope Santa treats you right, WONKETTE OUT!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Please put a penny in the old man’s hat.

$
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  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      The producer of this releases it to public domain because the TRUTH must be known.

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    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      Hang on a sec, no ponies? No unicorns? Clearly you need to do more research!

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      I lurve this!

    • Marion in Savannah

      That’s fucking brilliant!

    • Daniel

      Please send this to The Outline.
      It will make them so bored.

    • TJ Barke

      Needs moar ponies.

    • Victoria Ricola

      I love this so much.

    • OneYieldRegular

      T-shirt, coffee cup and panties, please, Wonkette store!

      • notaten

        And a nice print I can put on my whiteboard

    • Red Bird

      What about Brad?

    • SadDemInTex

      Wow!

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      If you edit, tiolet need a tweak. Fucking awesome!

    • Wait! There’s an orgy island? Why wasn’t I… oh, yeah… never mind.

    • Where’s “ALL OF THEM, KATIE”?

      • willi0000000

        . . . and “those cakes we like” . . . ?

        • FlownΩver

          To say nothing of cedar cheese

          • Carpe Vagenda

            also too.

      • SpideySenser

        And “hoofwanking bunglecunts”?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      This is amazing. As symbol of the Homosexual Mafia, let me just say that it’s a nice little flowchart you got there, and it would be a shame if someone redecorated it for you…

    • BradtheBot

      I’m clearly not up there with CAPS LOCK BENGHAZI!?!!, anypony or AOT,K, but I was the subject of an article once, and feel left out feelings (at least I feel like I felt feelings until I became a bot).

      Seriously, this puts the work of wingnut Congresscritters to shame…very well done!

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Skwerl, you’ve outdone yourself.

  • Somewhat Damaged Ron

    I wonder if I have time to stop at the liquor store before I give blood?

    • FlownΩver

      Share the warmth.

  • Scooby

    This year I am only saying Feliz Navidad!

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      If the other person is female do you say ‘Feliz Navimom’?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Only if she lacks daddaries.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    If your erect Pittsburgher lasts more than four hours, seek medical assistance.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The Pittsburgher’s erection lasted from the Monday Dec. 11 Dolphins’ win over Tom Brady till the last few minutes of last Sunday’s game.

  • jesterpunk

    Bah fucking humbug.

  • JohnBull

    Facts are annoying things.

    • TundraGrifter

      Some folks don’t seem to be bothered by them at all.

    • Steely_Fan

      Stubborn, also too.

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      Facts? FACTS? We don’t need no stinkin’ FACTS.

  • TundraGrifter

    I was bumping sunshine – but then my wife caught me at it.

    • JohnBull

      Why can’t she join in?

  • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

    Isn’t it too early to declare an open thread? There’s bound to be some trash taken out before dark.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      It’s open. Come on in and take your pants off.

      • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

        I would, but I’m still at work, and my goal is to get through all of 2017 without a visit to HR.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Trump is golfing in Mar A Lago, for the 106th day of his presidency.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    But the big news — the big news is for America, you look at today, and I can tell you walking around the streets of Pittsburgh, people walking more erect …

    That has less to do with Donald and more to do with this guy:

    https://usatsteelerswire.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/tomlin-celebrates.gif?w=1000

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Sucks that Prince Donnie doesn’t have a Blackadder around to tell him he’s a idiot.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPeBo_k5dhI

  • memzilla Ω

    A guy, in his hometown visiting family, goes to a diner for breakfast Christmas morning.
    He tells the waiter, “I’ll have the eggs benedict.”
    Soon his order comes – and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap.
    The guy asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?”
    The waiter says, “O, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4b9f0cdc464948824e7c13ad872e830eff7d5710cb6c7c6dbb27d06572373a37.jpg

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Show yourself out, sir.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    High-speed rail?
    The Trump train is doing 80mph in a 30mph zone.
    /too soon?

    • onedollarjuana

      Given the philosophy of the current Rep. party I’m surprised Amtrak even had money to clean up the mess.

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        The TrumpPenceZees are too incompetent to have achieved that just yet. Next year, however…

      • weejee

        They don’t. Congress set a limit of $295M. That sounds like a loto but replacing the train alone will run $50M. Overtime for State DOT & Patrol, local agency overtime, damage to the bridge & interstate, lost time/salaries from interstate being shut down, oh, and then we get to the 3 dead and 75 injured.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      You need to illustrate your comment with a photo of that train hanging off a crumbling bridge. THAT would be an accurate description of “the Trump train.”

    • Daniel

      What happens she you let Jeanine Piro drive.

  • Spotts1701, Not Poisonous

    Yeah – most people with a lack of self-awareness and an ego the size of the Horsehead Nebula think that everything in their life’s going great, too.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      For extra irony points, I was watching Jake Tapper talking to Bill Kristol, and a Democratic strategist Paul Begala, and they were talking about how wildly unpopular Trump and his stupid tax cut are, and how Steve Bannon (political genius) managed to get a Democrat elected to the senate in Alabama. Bill Kristol has become the voice of reason!

      • TJ Barke

        Proof that our universe is broken.

    • weejee

      Their just looking at the up-tick in patent applications, and not the purpose.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5f06995bd92d389f6d0855f4ee5998f4922bea3b3904ff2fc956adee9ff0499f.png

      • Arolpin

        I see a flaw in the design though. The left side is going to weight a LOT more than the right side, so it’s not going to drop evenly. Yes, I know on the classic guillotine the blade is angled also, but the blade is a lot narrower, so the rigidity of the metal will keep it from binding. On the mega-guillotine the blade will flex, the track will bind, and it will be less than fully effective.
        I see two solutions, the first would be to use a really rigid, light alloy, but that might be prohibitively expensive, especially for a large number of guillotines. A better solution would be to mount wheels on the edges of the blade, and have them fit into a track that keeps the wheels captured and lined up.
        I can provide drawings of how this would work upon receipt of my normal consulting fee, $250/hour, minimum 8 hours. Christmas special this week only, first 8 hours are only $1750.

        • Robert Gibson

          If it is released evenly it’ll drop straight (the ol’ bowling ball or feather trick).

          I look forward to the the nice ‘popping a series of champagne bottles’ effect that this will have!

          (with votes)

        • Opalescent Riddles

          A serrated blade, with a sawtooth pattern at the same periodicity as the target spacing, would be balanced and effective. It would also strike each target simultaneously.

          • FlownΩver

            How ’bout just a bunch of strong guys with axes? Jerb creation!

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    After watching Kelly, and his delusional, alternative take on reality, I really feel like I just got a big ole yuletide shoved right up my Christmas holly hole. Mazel tov, Y’ALL, I feel GOOD!

  • Daniel

    We’re not your oldest ally, we just behave like we are- falling asleep mid afternoon during the Queen’s speech and losing the thread of what we were…erm…

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      I would have said it was Canada, but I remembered all the times they’ve invaded us.

      • Metroliner

        Not to mention the few times we invaded them! Whoops, eh?

        • Somewhat Damaged Ron

          /me IS a ‘them.’

          • FlownΩver

            I have ancestral “thems,” so, conflicted.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Evidence-based Fetus Demme

      Totally see and hear Alec Baldwin’s Trump doing this.

  • Spotts1701, Not Poisonous
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Are we certain that it’s not an end-of-the-world press conference?

    • Bright Bart

      maybe he ran out of diet coke (we can only hope)

      • FlownΩver

        Has he tried diet Lysol™? Yum.

        Note to Secret Service and Dok: This is not intended as a factual question, nor advocacy of anything at all.

    • therblig

      and the first time that no one wanted to hear it?

    • FlownΩver

      They set up a mic at his desk and told him they were doing his Whatevermas broadcast. They’re wising up.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Uh oh. Trump voters hate high speed rail.

  • TJ Barke

    These people are so fucking delusional.

  • weejee

    This week the Replicans had no problem getting together for a group photo. Can we get the Wonketeers together for a group photo?

    • Marion in Savannah

      Well, if we all send in a photo of either us or something that represents us some genius could put together one of those picture mosaics. Maybe of an erect Pittsburgher or something…

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      Literally herding cats.

    • Ωbjectifier

      Kitty entropy.

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      What a perfect illustration of Brownian motion!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Heading off for now on this note–BBL, Wonkers!

    https://twitter.com/JoyAnnReid/status/944304474599903237

  • Victoria Ricola

    OT – I’m getting ready to travel to my next war on Christmas assignment family home and was wondering if there has been any new gossip about Trump “you’re fired” -ing anyone that would require me marching? I’m trying to figure out if I need to bring my protesting shoes or if I can use that room in my bag for something more festive.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I think you’re fine as long as you didn’t just put every last dollar you had into Bitcoin two days ago.

      • Victoria Ricola

        Nope. I’m good. Bitcoin is for suckers. My funds are all tied up in the precious metals market and a well-known catheter supply company.

      • Cliff Hendroval

        Dunning-Krugerrands.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      He’s playing golf and tweeting, so you can probably relax, at least until Monday.

    • Evidence-based Fetus Demme

      You may need those shoes, (and a warm pussyhat), if he dares to fire, (or get someone who can do it), Mueller.
      But, so far, so good.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I am SICK and no, not just with Trump. I haz a christmas cold and it’s a doozy. This SUCKS. Fever, chills, and my nose is running like it’s trying out for the olympics.

    I can’t wait to feel better. When I do, I’m going to get erect and bump some sunshine.

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      Holiday crud. Try to self medicate – I understand hot toddys work a treat.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Good idea.

        • Seek

          Black Russians (the drink) make an excellent cough medicine

    • Evidence-based Fetus Demme

      Momming alert!
      Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!
      Chicken soup, broth, jello, coconut water, etc.
      Force yourself!
      Take something for your fever!
      Those Puffs with lotion, and vaseline for your poor nose!
      Dammit, Lance!
      Feel better soon!

    • SDGeoff3

      Sounds like flu.

  • The Wanderer

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/364117cfca58aae82b2e54deb809b0a48b11206810f268082b24faac90ffe4cb.jpg

    Boodle’s Orange Fool

    Serves 6

    Ingredients:

    4 ounces yellow cake
    Grated rind and juice from 2 oranges
    Grated rind and juice from 1 lemon
    1/3 cup sugar
    10 ounces heavy whipping cream
    Grand Marnier liqueur (optional)

    1. Place pieces of the cake in the bottom of 6 long-stemmed glasses. Sprinkle with the liqueur if desired.
    2. Put the rind and juices in a measuring cup (it should be about 7 ounces), add the sugar and stir until it dissolves.
    3. Whip the cream until stiff, then gradually add the juices/sugar mixture, continuing to beat until the juices are incorporated.
    4. Pour the mixture over the cake pieces and chill a few hours, or overnight. The juice will slowly seep into the cake and the cream will set.
    5. Garnish with grated zest, candied orange peel or orange segments, and serve.

    • Daniel

      …yellow cake?

      • The Wanderer

        The recipe, verbatim, called for yellow sponge. I used butter pound cake.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        That cake Hillary likes.

      • Christopher Story

        I’ve always wanted to glow in the dark

      • SDGeoff3

        I know!

    • Addled Frock

      Yes please

  • Gorillionaire

    He sure as hell doesn’t represent any part of Pittsburgh I have ever been to. Well, maybe the rotting “holy relics” in that cathedral in Oakland.

    • Spotts1701, Not Poisonous

      Probably the part that still thinks Roberto Clemente was “too brown”.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    We are no longer leading from behind, we are leading from the front and everybody else is looking to us and saying ‘go, go, go.’

    https://twitter.com/tribranchvo/status/943989427415736320

    ETA: He’s right about one thing, though. The world is really looking at Trump and saying: “Go, go, go!”

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    The Norwegians of Ørje celebrate the new rigidity of America. Don’t even get them started about their majestic møøseses.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By95MlAGTjE

    • The Wanderer

      I have to go there at least once before I die.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That might be the greatest thing ever.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Bright Bart

    last time i was walking erect and leading from behind i had to leave Home Depot

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I really hate Home Depot’s policy on pants, and they’re not shy about letting you know you’re not welcome if you’ve chosen a pants free lifestyle, either.

  • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

    Walking while erect is a skill.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Walk with/an erection…

      banabadumbum banananabump…

      • Addled Frock

        I miss the Bangles

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    dear Congresscritter Kelly,

    first, just in case you are confused: Mark and Scott Kelly are the best boys with the last name Kelly out there and you don’t even place in the top 1000.

    I thought Republicans tended to oppose high speed rail projects…?

    and, for everyone’s safety and mental health, do not–I repeat: DO NOT–go pumping sunshine. that sunshine is only 8 minutes and 20 seconds old–I don’t care how long those photons were bouncing around in the Sun for–and fucking infant light is very illegal.

    sincerely,
    GO HOME

  • Jenny

    Another picture from the trenches in the War on Christmas. They got Rudolph!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f8e08030f25b2c4909a6d476a347f05404098179fb803061aadff4b78231cc9a.jpg

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      Run run reindeer!

      • Eileen Besse

        ISWYDT

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      I have taken Rudolph hostage for my Saturnalia orgies need a red light. now if someone could just lend me a cup of black market fetus parts, this party would really get started.

    • PubOption

      The reindeer were hit by a van? That looks like Islamic terrorizms.

  • Nounverb911
  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Holy shit, the US ambassador to the Netherlands is confronted by someone from the Netherlands, who questions him about his statement that there are Muslim no go zones, and cars are being set on fire, in the Netherlands, and the ambassador denies he said it, and I just watched the tape of him saying it. Jesus fucking Christ, these people are fucking NUTS!!!! They literally have ZERO shame.

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      They are Men of Very Little Brain.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I’m actually a little impressed that they deny shit that they were caught saying ON VIDEO!!!! They give new meaning to the words “bald faced liar.”

        • weighmaster

          And then deny that they denied it, on video, seconds later.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            The truth is really becoming quite open to interpretation, isn’t it?

          • weighmaster

            No interpretation, no interpretation. You’re the interpretation!!

    • UnsaltedSinner
      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        This used to be comedy, now it’s our reality.

    • SDGeoff3

      And to think, it’s only been LESS THAN A GODDAMM YEAR!!!1EEEK!!1

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I think I’ve aged about 5 years in the past year.

        • SDGeoff3

          My liver has.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Kelly: I will tell you what.

    Wonkette: Tell us what.

    Kelly: For those people on the Trump train or not on the Trump train, this is high-speed rail right now.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b10a0ca7bffeeb1c11a0ab3c00b16b593345d36f8deb62dd345933f749c188cb.gif

  • SayItWithWookies

    Of course people are walking erect — there’s no other way to goosestep.

    • Somewhat Damaged Ron

      I still prefer the DPRK Bunny Hop: https://i.imgur.com/BLSu76K.gif

      • WIDTAP

        Tens of thousands of men, each kicking the guy ahead of him in the ass.

      • Sophia

        God that would take some fucking stamina. My legs get tired watching it.

      • SDGeoff3

        Their legs must be amazing.

        • Somewhat Damaged Ron

          Calves like cantaloupes!

  • puredog

    Hey Wonks! MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      And a happy fuckin’ new year!

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Leave it to Republicans to turn that phrase into something they spit out in order to insult people.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      it’s MERRY FUCKING SATURNALIA!

    • Eileen Besse

      Back to you, puredog and family and friends!

  • FDRliberal

    Hey, did y’all hear UN Ambassador Nikki Haley is throwing a special slumber party but ONLY for the countries that didn’t tell us to fuck off with our Jerusalem declaration, which sounds no fun because pretty much ALL THE COUNTRIES told us to fuck off?

    I’m very proud of all the countries that told Nikki Haley and the Orange Scumbag to fuck off. The majority of America is allied with these nations and stands in opposition to Trump and his illegitimate govt.

    • Christopher Story

      I think they know this. They know themselves the Russia fuckery that this country suffered; they also know of the various states and cities in America that are attempting to carry on such Noble goals as the Paris Climate Accord, in spite of this country’s lack of leadership on the matter.

      • FDRliberal

        I’m reminded a little bit of the time during the run up to the Iraq War. During that time I thanked the French Foreign Minister via email for his speech at the UN, where he announced France’s opposition to Bush’s illegal invasion of Iraq.

        • Christopher Story

          I really want my generation to be the one that finally knocks off all this foolishness like wars and primal posturing for status validation.

          • weighmaster

            I don’t know what generation you belong to, but I hope it does, too.

    • jesterpunk

      Russia even told Nikki and Trump to fuck off…

      • PubOption

        The Russian Mafia isn’t as blatant as the American Mafia.

  • Addled Frock

    So at first I thought maybe you were exaggerating about this guy’s weird Trump boner, but I watched the video and…O.M.G. Nothing much shocks me anymore, but this was amazingly insane. My ears perked up at erect, and then all the “pumping sunshine,” which he said TWICE, he liked the sound of it so much he had to say it again, that’s when my jaw dropped, and then there was the “from behind” and the “from the front,” all capped with a breathless “Go! Go! Go!”

    It was like Meg Ryan’s restaurant scene in From When Harry Met Sally, except I was picturing Mike Pence giving him a blowie out just out of frame, what the everloving fuck was that????!!

  • Marion in Savannah

    Rock on, Grandma and Grandpa…

    A couple in their 80s was arrested in Nebraska on Tuesday for allegedly transporting 60 pounds of marijuana, worth several hundred thousand dollars, which they told the police they intended to give away as Christmas presents.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/22/us/marijuana-christmas.html

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I’d like to get on their holiday Christmas list.

      • Eileen Besse

        Me also too….

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I need better friends.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Wait I think I know this family.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4waEkq2zbQ

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Santa’s not here, man.

  • Crz

    I got sunburn really bad one time from bumping sunshine.

    • therblig

      thanks to katrina, i burned the soles of my feet.

  • Jenny

    All this administration has is the false belief they’ve made Christmas a thing for a largely Christian Nation. Pathetic as it gets.

  • Christopher Story
  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    it is Taco de Saturnalia. what is with all the Christmas stuff?

    END THE WAR ON NOT-CHRISTMASES!
    LORAX 2020! MAKE SATURNALIA TEAM TACO AGAIN!

  • Bill D. Burger

    You can feel it, you can see it. And I’m not just bumping sunshine for the sake of bumping sunshine.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d6ebaa3dc9f329d3541d7afa0b28158e3f642bb45ddc77f15ea48868989bfeac.jpg

  • WIDTAP
    • jesterpunk

      “It definitely violates precedent,” Sen. James Lankford (R-Okla.) told Politico. “That’s just a sign of the times that people are looking for a rule to be able to slow the Senate down even more. … That’s making a bad situation worse.”

      What the…. the total lack of self awareness there is pretty fucking amazing.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Those obstructionist Democrats, with their fewer-than-fifty votes, are just doing this so they can rub their hands gleefully as they watch America fail. If the tax scam that just passed turns out to be a fiasco, these unvoted-on nominations will be the reason.

  • La forza del resistino

    To determine exactly how underwater Donald is in international waters, we’re gonna need to call in Jacques Cousteau.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Is bumping anything like walking?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPUmE-tne5U

  • Sophia

    My standard answer to the “War on Christmas” people who pop up on my face place.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fd9fcb7936dfe65d8bfa67fe1b58988059d7f9a83bf2641adfeb85635587d0f4.png

  • Roni Raven, Sweet Lump
    • jesterpunk

      Will Jared go to Federal or State prison? If he goes to state prison will he get to stay in his father’s old cell? Tune in next week for the next exciting episode of as the shit piles up.

  • Addled Frock

    Seeing as how it’s Friday before Christmas, everybody got their Mueller Firing March Go Bags packed? I wrote down the address of my local on paper like a caveman just in case they turn off the internet or something.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Wrote? Paper?

      What are these things you mentioned?

  • Transgender Fetus McGoo

    Sounds like someone’s been keybumping sunshine in the bathroom.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Or in the ballroom.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        See, that’s why McDonalds got that restraining order on me.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Oh meh fucking meh.

    I get a hardonboner whenever I say “Fuck Christmas!”

    See, I got one right now!

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      that’s the Saturnalia spirit!

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      *purr*

  • Michael R
    • The Wanderer

      Satan wants me for an ember?

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    When I walk more erect, people pretend they don’t see me.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Have you tried Greyhound stations?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        No, just amyl nitrate.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Must see tv video. US ambassador denies own comments, then denies denial The look on the reporter’s face is priceless.

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/22/politics/us-ambassador-to-netherlands-denies-own-comments/index.html

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I posted about that earlier. It’s genuinely unbelievable. The brass balls on these people.

    • JohnBull

      Remember when ambassadors were the guys who were part of the honor society in high school?

  • ManchuCandidate

    He’s got a ticket to ride into the delusion zone.
    The train analogy doesn’t end well…
    https://media.giphy.com/media/K88pemIqP0oMg/giphy-downsized-large.gif

    As for Mike Kelly, this is the likely GOP House and Senate’s electoral fate…
    https://media.giphy.com/media/73FzKOYDpp7VK/giphy.gif

  • Rick Hill

    “…walking around the streets of Pittsburgh, people walking more erect …”

    Yeah but are they pulling up their damn pants and putting a belt on? Are they? Huh?….I thought not

  • Bill D. Burger

    Children even the ‘surface’ (photosphere) of the sun is about 6,000°C (11,000°F)___ so do not go around ‘bumping’ the sun:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bfdd072dfeb2296ad3f69b5f823a67b723fb1610babb7872f6e8002527af3258.jpg

    • Transgender Fetus McGoo

      It’s a gas!

      • Bill D. Burger

        The atmospheric gas of the sun can reach temps of 1 million degrees F…. and the core is about 27 million degrees F.
        Wiki is a hellova’ drug.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          Still beats living in Trump’s America.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Plasma, man. Plasma.

      • Ωbjectifier
      • The Wanderer

        I thought that grazing in the grass was a gas! Can you dig it?

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      So there aren’t children of the Sun?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR2oct3zeTM

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      The sun is most definitely not Backpfeifengesicht-suitable.

  • IdiotsforPalin

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7d957e63b6640b3d5263c5a12ef5063f909780f2baafb2731e840cf0b859b8b5.jpg Perfect last minuet gift for those trumpturds with throbbing erections……

  • Amy!

    Open thread?

    So, Ms. Amy has been a good little corporate worker today: rolled a release (except for the library prerequisites, which I could do locally but not officially and they can’t get approval until after the holidays), and I (finally!) updated my operating system on the work machine so that the various stupid instant-contact forms of harassment are all now working, once again.

    So, can someone please tell me that I don’t need to do any farm work outside today? Maybe even tomorrow morning as well? I’ve got a whole week off, after all, and even with the list of tasks to do (well over a week’s worth, alas), I think I should get time off … without feeling guilty. Right? I just need an “Amy, you’ve been working so hard, why don’t you kick back for a while? The outdoors won’t go away while you’re inside getting comfortable, you know!”

    • jesterpunk

      Its the holidays, time to relax and unwind after a crazy year. So sit back, put your feet up and grab a nice glass of wine and relax.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        You must not have any RWNJ relatives nearby.

        • jesterpunk

          I volunteered to work on Christmas to avoid RWNJ’s.

      • Amy!

        What a great idea! Hmmm, chianti, cab sauv, beaujolais, or the cheap red blend?

        • jesterpunk

          All of them?

          • Amy!

            Sound like “start with the blend, and keep blending,” to me. It’s a plan!

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Crazy year libelz!

    • Roni Raven, Sweet Lump

      Amy, why don’t you kick back for a while? It’s okay, it really is.

      • Amy!

        Thank you!

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      You’ve just written my life story. When I’m not working, I’m worried about how much shit I have to do on my house to get it ready for sale. When I’m not worried about work, or the work on the house, I’m worried about when the next massive recession will hit, and will I have done all this worrying for naught, since I’m giving it back to the bank if I can’t sell it this time around. But enough about me, why don’t you just kick back for a bit?

      Actually, I only worked until noon today, since I’ve been up since 4AM, and I’m kind of beat.

      • Amy!

        You should take a break!

        And yeah, that’s kind of it. If I’m not doing stuff, am I going to regret not taking advantage of the opportunity to get stuff done? It will be all my fault for being so lazy and good for nothing!

        So I figured I’d appeal to the international wonketariat for solidarity in holidaying. Success!

        And you should certainly kick back and relax, at least until you fall into bed (to sleep, I mean).

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          I’m literally sitting here just watching CNN and Wonking out. I’m too tired to do much else. I was furious with myself at Thanksgiving because I had two weeks off of work, and I had a bad cold, and I didn’t feel well enough to work on the house, so I just laid on the couch and watched TV. The guilt was overwhelming. I hate being such a lazy Democrat, always taking from others!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Don’t you have to milk the fields, or plow the cows?

      I’m not necessarily up on my farm terminology.

      • Amy!

        No, there are tasks, but none are urgent. I have to clear out the stuff in the garden beds, but I’ve already missed the winter cover planting. I have a new (to me, not in general) tractor that needs more attention, but it can wait. And, and, and … yeah, no, I think I need to do quality control on somebody else’s vineyards, is what I think.

    • DrBigHead

      As long as that farm work does not include any dairy animals. Having come from a long line of dairy farmers, I have seen first hand how pissy a Holstein can get if you are late with the milker.

      • Amy!

        No animals, except pets. I’ve got to clear brush, fix one of the outbuildings, and move a hell of a lot of soil from one place to several others.

        • DrBigHead

          Well hell, then kick back and relax. Soil will be there when you are ready.

        • Seek

          Dubya’s not busy and he spent most of his Presidency clearing brush in Crawford. He’ll probably work cheap

          • Amy!

            Pssshhhhhttttt. Elderly painter of nude selfies. Even I got more muscle than that guy. J. Carter could prolly beat us both up, at the same time. :-)

    • Rick Hill

      Sorry. Good little corporate workers are a fungible commodity and no consideration is given beyond what they are able to give to the company.

      • Amy!

        Sadly true. As a good little fungible commodity, I checked my changes into the version control system, so fuck ’em until after the mandatory holidays are done (or longer, if they decide I’m too mean to keep around).

    • Gosala

      Amy… idle hands are the devils workshop.

      (Well not really but I’ve sitting waiting for my car to be repaired — The nice man is staying late for me! And the devil made me post this post.)

      • Amy!

        Really?

        Does the devil have nice hands, then? Ummm, like … talented fingers? And, you know, like that?

        • Gosala

          Very talented. * nudge nudge wink wink*

    • Sophia

      “Amy, you’ve been working so hard, why don’t you kick back for a while? The outdoors won’t go away while you’re inside getting comfortable, you know!” Sit back and relax. All work and no play……..

      • Amy!

        All work and no play makes Amy a dull goy.
        All wonk and no gays makes Amy dull toy.
        All drink and no food makes Amy a drunk hoy. -Den.

        And then the rhymes stopped ….

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Fuck that guy. If I’m buying your fucking cheese, you don’t get to tell me what I’m allowed to do with it. (Also this story has invaded my twitter feed and I’m sick of it).
    https://twitter.com/McPBen/status/943477613754048514

    • jesterpunk

      Its a good thing we have a cheese person on wonkette that is really nice.

    • The Wanderer

      Did he have Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

    • Transgender Fetus McGoo

      Is this guy new to France?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That is some serious fromage snobbery. A bit ripe, perhaps.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Pinky-elevated cheese snobs are the worst.

    • Werewolf

      SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

    • therblig

      oh, the cat’s lapped it up.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Not a very clean shop.

        • therblig

          It’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese..

    • Msgr_MΩment

      To be fair, that was quite obviously a Fon-DON’T.

    • Doug Langley

      Fine, just give me sliced Velveeta instead.

  • Roni Raven, Sweet Lump

    Reposting because I forgot to add:

    MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, TRUMP!

    https://twitter.com/Evan_Rosenfeld/status/944282652512620544

  • Daniel Hooper

    Talking about the corporate incompetence and their abuses of their wage slave employees? Making references to hobby board games? And now, erotic fantasy writing?! Wonkette, are you trying to steal EVERYTHING I do?!

  • Ducksworthy

    Just one question for this Kelly shitsipper. Who’s running against him?

  • Michael R
  • bbayliss

    This happened:
    “I was going to wait for a formal signing sometime in early January, but then I watched the news this morning and they were all saying ‘Will he keep his promise? Will he sign it by Christmas? Will he sign it by Christmas?’ And I called downstairs and I said ‘Get it ready, we have to sign it now.’ We were going to wait till January 7 or 8 and do a big formal ceremony, but every one of the networks was saying ‘Will he keep his promise? Will he sign it before Christmas?’”

    “Seriously, he got baited into signing the bill ahead of schedule by cable news.”
    https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/12/22/1726869/-Trump-baited-into-signing-tax-bill-ahead-of-schedule-by-TV-news-coverage

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Masterly baited.

    • Gosala

      Whoa, if true, it’s a pretty big deal because it means the automatic budget cuts will be triggered in 2018 in time for the election instead of 2019 (if I understood NPRs explanation yesterday of why he was delaying the signing)

      • jesterpunk

        Unless he signs the bill to fund the government for a few weeks which he hasn’t done yet.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Yeah, I was kind of hoping for that, too. Well, I mean, it’s horrifying, but honestly, let’s get the fucking started if that’s what’s going to happen. And let them reap the fucking harvest of a dearth of votes. DEATH BY NO VOTES!!!

      • Amy!

        The CR includes a waiver of the PAYGO, as far as I understood it. Doesn’t do a lot, but does have money for missiles, six months extension of CHIP, and the PAYGO waiver.

      • Rick Hill

        Played. Again.

    • PubOption

      Looks like Donnie’s hair was coming unravelled in that pic.

  • ArgieBargie

    “And so if you’re not on the Trump train, you get on the train or get off the tracks. You’re gonna get run over.”

    Robert Mueller chuckled for a second, then got back to work.

    • bbayliss

      Robert Mueller, felt immediate guilt after chuckling, in view of the recent rail disaster.
      Then got back to work.

    • Rick Hill

      Considering this week’s rail disaster, proly not the most aproppo analagy.

      • ArgieBargie

        A tone-deaf Republican, imagine that.

    • Doug Langley

      Mueller’s the light at the end of the tunnel. He’s the express train.

  • Rick Hill

    I suck at photo shops and I’m a lazy moocher, besides. So. Imagine that guys face as Sam and sane America as Frito
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aZgGgAW_460s.jpg

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “It’s called bedside manner, you aristocratic dweeb.”
      — Samwise thinks but doesn’t say, because hero

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I don’t know about Pittsburgh, but in Philly they say “The Sunshine is always Bumpiest before the Jawn.” or words to that effect.

  • msanthropesmr

    I’m bumping on sunshine doesn’t really have that ring to it.

    • tomamitai

      Sounds like drug slang.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Woah-oh!

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Beat me to it

        • WotsAllThisThen

          You hit the high G. Impressive!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Sunshine — obvious stripper name?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Whoa-oowhaoeho!

    • Rick Hill

      I’ve heard people say they need a little bump and maybe it made things feel a little more sunny. Maybe that’s what he means….

    • bbayliss

      R U kiddin?
      It has the perfect dissonance and clumsiness of RW delusion and desperation.

  • gallbladder

    The screen caps were terrifying enough.

  • Sophia

    Okay people I have some serious shit going on here. My feet are cold and I can’t find my slippers. The only ones who live here are me and the cat. I don’t think I have ghosts because to my knowledge no one has died here. This can mean only one thing. The CAT has stolen my slippers. My question is, can I bribe her with kitty treats to give them up or will this require the sacred opening of a can of tuna or should I just put on another pair of socks because you know what cats are like?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4c343fdc7fd25f6eb3d1bf48d25f775ff197fec4ad5c177b33501cd71d60feb1.jpg

    • bbayliss

      tuna, always tuna.

      • Sophia

        I was afraid of that, I may have to go to the store.

        • suziq

          Go to the store on a Friday-before-Christmas-weekend afternoon/evening?!? I would go for another pair of socks.

          • Sophia

            You have a valid point. I left work early to finish off my shopping and the traffic was crazy then. To the sock drawer! (Hmm, something about that didn’t sound right)

          • suziq

            Oh for sure if you have already been out you shouldn’t be doing that again today! And may I also advise a warm beverage? Preferably with alcohol.

          • Sophia

            I like the way you think.

      • gallbladder

        Indeed: All-out is required here.

      • Doug Langley

        Our cat always went berserk over chicken gravy.

    • Courser_Resistance

      LOL, I lose shit all the time and I live alone in 600 sq ft. How the fuck can I lose *anything* larger than a paper clip?

      • shastakoala

        I lose things all the time too. I swear I’ll set something down next to me, go to get it and it’s gone. I choose to believe it’s ghosts.

  • keinsignal

    Wishing everyone a very messy kweznuz. Have some more Coil!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faGEKXgZOEk

    • keinsignal

      [trigger warning – super spooky, may contain tritones]

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    The reason people in Pittsburgh are erect is that they don’t know it’s almost baseball season.

  • Scooby

    Can you imagine having to listen to this guy after he’s had a few?

    • gallbladder

      You mean…

      • Scooby

        Drunken idiot ruins Christmas dinner.

        • gallbladder

          What I meant was, “You mean, he hasn’t already?” ;-)

  • Me not sure

    Why is nobody thinking about those wonderful sheep?
    https://youtu.be/aolIF6-K5w4

    • bbayliss

      The Sheep are liars!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    The Trump Train costs $30,000 for a photo next to a cardboard standee of Trump in front of a diner made up to look like a train car–that is about to be demolished for a golf course expansion.

    • Doug Langley

      And you have to bring your own lunch.

  • msanthropesmr
    • Needs moar flames and chaos

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      I think Trump and the Rethuglicans should get on that train!!!! (with votes)

  • Mike Minden

    Talk about “alternate facts”. Tell me folks from PA – which scares you more: if he is that casual a liar, or if he really believes the manure dripping from his bloated lips?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      He’s a Cathobot.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Hey, remember John Kasich, aka “the sane one” from the 2016 Republican primary?

    “Ohio became the third state Friday to ban abortions after a diagnosis of Down syndrome.

    Gov. John Kasich (R) signed a bill that would make it a fourth-degree felony for a doctor to perform an abortion if there is a prenatal Down syndrome diagnosis.

    The doctor could face up to 18 months in prison. There is no punishment for the woman.

    The law will take effect in March.

    Anti-abortion rights advocates say abortions because of Down syndrome are discrimination and cheered Kasich’s decision Friday.

    “Ohio has given unborn children with Down syndrome and their families an early Christmas present and created a safe haven from lethal discrimination,” said Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of the Susan B. Anthony List.
    Opponents argue the law will prevent women from making their own decisions on their pregnancies.

    “When a woman receives a diagnosis of Down syndrome during her pregnancy, the last thing she needs is Gov. Kasich barging in to tell her what’s best for her family,” said NARAL Pro-Choice Ohio Executive Director Kellie Copeland.

    The law could face legal challenges.

    A similar law was struck down in Indiana in September by a U.S. District Judge after a lawsuit from the American Civil Liberties Union.”

    I hope a lot of babies with Down syndrome end up on his doorstep, when families who don’t have unlimited resources decide to give up their beautiful gifts from Jesus. Christ, these fucking people.

    • jesterpunk

      He is also funding care for disabled children and education right? Oh wait how silly of me to think that would happen.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Mike Kelly seems like a guy who has a year and a half to get himself a new gig ’cause his old one is going to be taken away from him in about that long.

    • suziq

      You think he will be another one claiming to want to spend more time with the family? I suspect there will be a lot of that next year.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Jesus fucking Christ, now these idiots (probably the Kochs) have a commercial out thanking Trump for letting people say “Merry Christmas” again? Yeah, when exactly did Obama outlaw saying “Merry Christmas” again? Was it right after his jack booted thugs broke my door down demanding my guns?

    • JohnBull

      I think it was when my Republican family members were held at the Jade Helm camp. An awful time in our history that I patriotically blocked out of my mind.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        It’s almost like it never even happened!

  • WeaselPoo

    So during the 2016 campaign Trump talked about imposing tariffs on ‘dumped’ imported steel to engreaten American jerbs (even as he had a current project going that used dumped Chinese steel), so of course a bunch of steel industry hicks voted for Trump.
    Well…what with all the golfing and rallies and Fox watching and tweeting, it seems Trump has forgotten all about steel tariffs, which has resulted in even more dumping in case he suddenly remembers to MAGA the US steel industry. Result is that Big US Steel can’t compete with cheaper imports so workers are now getting laid off.
    Chuck Hauer, a pro-Trump steelworker who is likely to be laid off from his steel plant job in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania, says he understands why Trump is holding off — but he says the workers at plants can’t wait much longer.

    “He’s just delaying it,” he tells the Times. “And I think the delay is hurting us more than he knows.”

    Hey Chuck? Like you, Trump knows nothing, and does n’t actually give a shit about you. And the tariffs ain’t going to happen because any business that uses steel — oil derrick manufacturers, building developers, car companies, industrial machine and arms manufacturers all want the cheapest steel to maximize profits and share prices.
    You fuckwit.
    ,

    • jesterpunk
      • gallbladder

        Timely and always pertinent.

      • WeaselPoo

        A classic.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Yeah, I understand why Trump is driving the country into a ditch.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      he understands why Trump is holding off
      Please continue.

  • Doug Langley

    Okay. So a month ago I made an appointment for an assistance place to help with rent or phone or anything. Today finally got in. Filled out paperwork, presented docs/bills/more docs. She crunched the numbers and said good news. We can help with utilities. Under PIP, you just pay a base amount for gas and electric and we pick up the rest. I said, sounds great. Then she told me what my base payment would be.

    IT’S FUCKING TWICE WHAT I’M ALREADY PAYING!!!!!!

    I asked if they could help with rent. No problemo! Just phone up for appointment. Oh, you can’t phone until Jan 22. And that’s just the pre-screen. Then we process the application. Then your landlord will get the check in a mere 4 to 6 weeks. No, don’t thanks us, we’re just doing our job!

    Am I in some bizarre virtual reality world or something? Came home, cooked up a pot of beef veggie and taking it easy.

  • Evidence-based Ugly Dude
    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      Dionysus disapproves.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I said Merry Christmas once while President Obama was in office and I got fined for it and had to go to Christmas School to unlearn my atheism. Now that I’m certifiably Christian, I can hate whoever I want and Jesus doesn’t judge me no more! Moocher babies dying without CHIP or separated from their parents by Gestapo like federal police? Fuck ’em. Who cares. I’m going to heaven. Fellow humans suffering at the hands of crazy, rich, old white men? No worries. I don’t need to do anything. I GOT JESUS! And Jesus don’t care about any of that. He just wants me to beg for forgiveness whenever I’m cruel or lust after children. It’s a new day for me! Imma go rob a bank now. Pray for my success!

  • Courser_Resistance

    Oh yeah, it’s for sure Super-Awesome. I’ve been sobbing on and off for days at what’s become of my country. Watching the piecemeal dismantling for our democracy is fucking demoralizing. Yeah, I’m depressed. I can’t even be arsed to go see the new Star Wars movie. I shit you not and I only have to buy a ticket and walk out the back door of my building and across the street.

    To let you know just how completely batshit nuts this is, I called Crisis Services on Wednesday cuz I melted down. The advice for the short-term is to smoke more weed to get through the acute anxiety phase. This is the third (non-weed advocate) to agree that my use of cannabis is appropriate. But truly, I could do with a lot LESS weed and a little more joy.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I am sending good thoughts your way. Because you are a charming person around here. I’m always pleased to see your comments.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Aw, thanks WITP! I feel the same way about you!

        Since I’ve made the decision to go to Norway, it’s involved a LOT of emotions. For example, this is likely my last Christmas in Colorado and that breaks my heart. I truly believe that Colorado’s the best place in the country to live. But I won’t be able to survive here in the long run, so I have to leave if I don’t want to be homeless and destitute in ‘retirement’

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I’ve heard very good things about Norway. And am sorry you are leaving your beloved Colorado. (Although Oregon is actually the best state.) I can’t imagine how painful it must be to leave the home of your heart.

        • eyelashviper

          Moving to one of those soshulisms countries might be a shock to you…all that sensibility, concern for others, and rational approach to issues will be tough to deal with.
          Here in Murika folks are wallowing in rage, hysteria, hatred, and massive amounts of anti-intellectualisms..

        • Ms.MLG on Maui

          I was in the process of moving here to Maui this time last year. I was giving away all my things, spending a final Christmas at my Mom’s, working my last few days at my job, saying goodbyes. Moving here was the right decision for me, but getting through it was not easy. Leaving North Carolina and everything and everyone I knew was not easy. Everyone expected my life to suddenly become perfect when I got here, but the truth is, I had a lot of adjusting to do. I was scared, unsure of myself, and felt lost for a while. It’s a process that takes time. After a few months, I really started finding my way, and now, I couldn’t be happier. Moving to Norway is a big decision, and we both know it won’t be easy, but you can do it. You can make a new and better life for yourself somewhere else. I hope you end up every bit as happy as I am.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Thank you {{{Ms. MLG}}}

            It’s been so strange because it’s like my heart made the decision long before my brain did. And I feel in my bones that it’s the right decision for me. But working on merging my heart and my brain, that’s been rough. Initially, I was thinking ‘someday’, how you do, but no, I’ve been getting the strong message, “Get out now, as soon as you can. While you still can.” So I’m looking for a new contract job while also starting to search for work in Norway and learning the language. Since I’d already begun Swedish, Norwegian is actually not very different and overall, easier.

            I’ve been studying Scandinavia for a couple of years now and I know that its where I want to be. But I also know that it will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do. But I also know already that once I get settled there, I’ll regret not doing it years sooner.

            Meanwhile, I need to scrape up enough money to get a new passport (mine’s expired over 10 years) and a plane ticket to Norway to start the process. I need to at least lay eyes on the place.

            Thanks again! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            That feeling in your bones that moving is the right thing? That’s the same feeling I had. I knew it was right and I knew if I didn’t do it, I would regret it. Go for it and be happy! Mele Kalikimaka!

          • Courser_Resistance

            Tusen takk! (Thanks a lot in Norwegian).

            I’ve come through the other side and you had a lot to do with that. I slept better than I have in weeks, got out to the grocery store early to pick up a few things in good spirits. And I just realized that it’s almost 10:30 here and I haven’t even had my first toke of the day! I like weed as much as the next girl, but I’m not happy when I have to use it to just get through the day.

            Congratulations on your first year of your new life in Hawaii! Wishing you the warmest of holidays and a wonderful New Year!

        • SadDemInTex

          I wish I could go with you. Change is hard but it change changes constantly

    • Sophia

      Might I suggest a news break (or at least intermittent breaks) over the holidays or would this just make it worse because you’d be worrying about what fuckery is afoot that you don’t know about.
      Self care is very important.

      • Courser_Resistance

        I’ve been on a news break, but yeah, I check in occasionally to see what’s up. News on the Mueller investigation is encouraging.

        But I’ve made the sad realization that it really doesn’t matter which party take over in 2018. People like me are completely fucked, unless they’re going to do something drastic like double Social Security payments and provide universal health care. Which will not be happening anytime soon. So I have to leave the country and that is making me sad.

        • Sophia

          Take the encouragement where you can. Don’t see the SS thing happening but there is still hope in 2018 on the healthcare front once people that hated Obamacare but loved the ACA realize what the repubs just did.

    • suziq

      Find some funny movies to watch, like Mel Brooks or something, and try not to read too much trump-related crap. It would depress Pollyanna. Hope you are feeling better soon~I know if I stay off the computer news places for a while it really helps (but somehow I keep going back). Good luck and happy holidays! Will I be fined for saying that?

      • Courser_Resistance

        I’ve been binging on Marvel movies because they’re funny and often kick Nazi/Hydra ass. Wonder Woman also too.

        I’ve been severely limiting my computer time and turned my phone off until this morning. Ringer’s still off, but I check it from time to time. l’m hanging in there and made some pumpkin bread for my neighbors.

        Happy holidays!

    • eyelashviper

      Hope you can feel better, but the holidays can be a depressing time, even without the insanity of the Hoofwanker and his cohorts in Congress.
      I recommend escapist teevee or movies, books, and music…chocolate, also too.

    • SadDemInTex

      Read beautiful literature. A complete reading of Jane Austen is very cleansing. Something about her writing makes my thoughts clearer.

  • bbayliss

    Eggnog.

    • wait! what?

      What is not Bannon’s safe word?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    This guy with the walking around fully erect !! Friend of Roy Moore I take it?

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    From the Ivanka jewelry collection.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4a55523668148f87ee4eddfbf506c9b58b15e3b272a7d7c9ba6daba3cff98247.jpg
    A British princess apologized on Friday for wearing a brooch considered “racist” to Meghan Markle’s first meeting with the royal family.

    The apology came after Princess Michael of Kent wore a blackamoor brooch on her left shoulder to the queen’s annual Christmas lunch at Buckingham Palace. Some deemed it a slight to Markle, who attended the event with her fiancé Prince Harry.

    Not a deep gene pool.

    https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/princess-apologizes-after-wearing-brooch-deemed-racist-lunch-meghan-markle-n832211

    • gallbladder

      Getting shallower by the minute.

    • therblig

      Princess of Kunt, you say?

      • gallbladder

        Kuntess?

    • SayItWithWookies

      The princess, whose father served as a Nazi SS officer before and during World War II, has drawn criticism in the past for other statements…

      Oh hell — can’t this monster and Sebastien Gorka and all the other Nazi wannabes just get a lot more oppressed again? I liked it when they kept thinking their free speech was violated because everyone told these scumbags to shut up.

      • wait! what?

        If it makes you feel any better I bet Seb hasn’t been insider her, either.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Thank gawwd’ they stopped Lady Penelope of Penistone before she got inside:

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/52955a2dbb2f07140deff5263cd4699243a40e3aee3b3596d08dcfc80d4c936f.jpg

    • OrdinaryJoe

      ” Her father was a Nazi party member serving as a Sturmbannführer (Major) in the SS during the Second World War;” What is it they say, acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree?

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    Only Trump could make “Merry Christmas” feel like you’re saying “ In His Eye”.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Trump’s state department advises Americans against saying Merry Christmas in Jerusalem this year.

    • jesterpunk

      They are also responsible for Nazareth cancelling Christmas this year.

      • 3FingerPete
        • Amy!

          Trump hurts! Trump scars! Trump wounds! And mars!
          Every heart not tough or strong enough.

        • wait! what?

          It’s amazingly one of those songs a lot of people think is performed by ACDC.

    • JohnBull

      So sick of the rest of the world not conforming to our delicate sensibilities when we’re visiting them.

  • Me not sure

    In other news, Trump’s batty old nominee for chair of the Evironmental Quality Commission Kathleen Hartnet-White, who during her Senate hearing talked shit and shit coal (a Christmas miracle!) withdrew her unqualified ass from consideration today.
    Winning!

    • redarmyzombie

      Melted like a common snowflake!

  • 3FingerPete

    Harris Faulkner somehow manages to avoid inclusion on lists of Fox personalities actively working for the Trump White House and the GOP. This is a grave injustice.

  • notaten

    If the Trump train leaves mar-a-lardo at noon and travels North at 35 MPH ( cuz coal powered), and the Mueller train leaves the Federal courthouse travelling at 1 million MPH, when do we get indictments? Show your work.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “And while the CNN poll is a bit of an outlier, the Democratic advantage in the FiveThirtyEight generic ballot aggregate is up to about 12 points, 49.6 percent to 37.4 percent. That average, like the CNN poll, also shows Republicans in worse shape right now than any other majority party at this point in the midterm cycle1 since at least the 1938 election.”

    https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-democrats-wave-could-turn-into-a-flood/

    • JoeChristmas

      We’re going to have to fight gerrymandering galore. And don’t forget the kickback these fuckers are going to give these pences of shit from the tax scam.
      Our only chance is grassroots over money.
      Knocking on doors.
      Especially California. Issa, Rohrabacher, Nunes, McCarthy, etc. Fucking scum.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I knew they were trying to take us back to the late 1930s — though this probably wasn’t their intended destination.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    one of our Jill Stein trolls came back for more!

    • jesterpunk

      Where?

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        gustav

        • jesterpunk

          In this thread or another thread?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            still on the Stein thread.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            I can’t believe they came back. And is still tedious.

          • jesterpunk

            Oh damn I just realized I have them blocked already because they where a troll on another thread a while ago.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Where?

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        the guy who thought that only one person could be guilty of colluding with Russia. ipso, facto, ergo Jillie Poo = INNNNNNOCENTS!

    • JoeChristmas

      What time is it in Moscow?

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        troll thirty.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
    • Doug Langley

      Yeah, it’s just the sort of thing that drives me bananas.

      • h4rr4r

        I think it’s just peachy.

  • Addled Frock

    I need movie suggestions, wanna get cozy and zone out…Netflix, Prime, and most of the movie channels. Anyone? Something to distract from this garbage we’re calling current events?

    • Christopher Story

      The Dark Crystal

    • Courser_Resistance

      Guardians of the Galaxy. Either one or have a marathon of both. Both mine are on my Amazon Prime video streaming thing and play well.

      Antman is also a great choice, especially if you’ve never seen it before and like heist movies with a twist. It’s very funny and delightful. As always, even the secondary characters are so very well done. Try to get the extras for this one, they’re really worth it.

      • Addled Frock

        That sounds like good escapism…

        • Courser_Resistance

          I swear to God, the Avengers are about my only escape these days!

          Oh, DeadPool, also too! Highly recommended!

          • Addled Frock

            I just saw Deadpool for the first time a few weeks ago and freaking loved it!

      • Doug Langley
        • Courser_Resistance

          LOL, I was a LOT more fun than that when my nephews were little. I once took them to a kind of wiccan festival market. I bought them each a crystal they liked.

    • eyelashviper

      Have been watching the latest season of “Halt and Catch Fire”…good for binging, about the computer scene starting in the 80’s..very entertaining, no blood or gore, and no political crazies.

      • Addled Frock

        I haven’t seen that show at all!

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Nightmare Before Christmas is on Netflix …

      • Addled Frock

        Surprisingly, I’ve never seen that one…

        • Doug Langley

          I honestly can’t see why Tim Burton’s stuff could be considered fun. They’re just way too dark for my taste.

    • redarmyzombie

      Ash VS Evil Dead was added to Netflix a little while ago.

      • Addled Frock

        Hmmm, that might be a nice companion to the book I just fiinished

    • wait! what?

      The one about Pence’s parent:

      “Mama”

    • shastakoala

      Vicar of Dibley. If it’s still on Netflix.

      • Addled Frock

        That’s the Dawn French one, right? I think it’s on Prime, it’s in my watchlist

        • shastakoala

          Yes, Dawn French.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    How far is Pittsburgh from Intercourse, PA?

    Asking for a friend.

    • jesterpunk

      A few hours, Intercourse is right between Paradise and Blue Balls near Lancaster.

    • JoeChristmas

      It’s right up the Beaver River.

  • JoeChristmas

    WTF Israel. You do know we are on the cusp of full blown fascism here, amirite?

    • Paperless Tiger

      Shhh. We’re aligning with Russia.

    • Doug Langley

      So . . . what’s your point?

  • Bitter Scribe

    The Sun is crowing about how it convinced the British government to issue passports in “traditional” dark blue instead of the burgundy mandated by the EU:

    BRITS will get their iconic dark blue passports back after Brexit, ministers announce today — in a stunning campaign victory for The Sun.

    The Government has agreed to our demand to scrap the EU’s burgundy model, enforced on the nation from 1988.

    They’re not being ironic. They’re really, really proud of themselves over this.

    Brexit may drive the UK’s economy into the ground, make it harder to do business with the Continent and cause innumerable personal disruptions, often tragic ones–but what the hey, they’ll have blue passports instead of red!

    Are all Brexit proponents this infantile?

    • Christopher Story

      Small victories for the small minded

    • The Wanderer

      Two words: Nigel. Farage.

    • Courser_Resistance

      From what I’ve read at the Guardian, yes. The single, universal reason for Leave votes and that was racism. They don’t want any more of those icky brown in their country. They figured the EU would cave, cuz Britain has always been hella arrogant and too valuable to let leave without a sweetheart deal. EU ain’t buyin’ the “We’re so SPECIAL!! We need special ‘bespoke’ trade deals!” And EU is going ‘Fuck you, you break it, you by it, Suckers”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        They don’t want those icky Slavic ni*CLANGS*, the Poles, in their country.

        • h4rr4r

          So who is going to do the low wage jobs?

          • Villago Delenda Est

            They haven’t thought that far ahead enough. About the whole damn thing.

          • Courser_Resistance

            The Irish, probably

          • Arolpin

            But the Irish are still in the EU, so why would they go to the UK and need to get work permits etc?

        • SadDemInTex

          The Slavs have absolute hatred for the UK. It’s just a cash cow for them. You should see some of the Polish blogs.

      • Changeling

        Now, now, some of it was just xenophobia against people from poorer EU countries.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Yes.

    • WeaselPoo

      I’ll take ” Flying Fucks” for 300 bitcoins, Alex.

    • Anna Rompage

      From what I’ve read, the Brexit folks are the trump supporters of Europe…

    • Parakeetist

      Yes

      • wait! what?

        …with no apologies to John Cleese…

    • Changeling

      Easier to spot them and put them at the back of the line.
      – EU

    • Why are they copying America? American passports are Dark Blue with Gold letters.

      USA USA USA

  • Anna Rompage

    Just got the parts to rebuild the clothes dryer! The rollers have been making an awful racket for a little while now, and the motor doesn’t like to work when it’s really cold out.

    As soon as my housemates clothes are dry, I’m gonna put on my tool belt and rebuild this puppy!

    • Sophia

      I’m impressed. I would have to put on my tool belt and then go call the dryer repair people. Not mechanically inclined.

      • Cliff Hendroval

        Same here.

      • suziq

        Or better option, and usually faster than waiting for repair person. Go to store and buy new dryer, have them deliver and install. Also remove old one.
        (if I can afford it. Sometimes I can!)

        • Arolpin

          Dryers are actually fairly easy to repair. My parents bought their washer/dryer when I was born, and they finally replaced it when I was about 25. I spent a couple Saturdays fixing it with dad. The motor not working when it’s cold could be a problem though, and if you need a new motor, it’s probably cheaper to buy a new one.

    • h4rr4r

      Did you get a new felt seal for the front of the drum?

      Big box hardware stores have them.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Can you use a lint seal instead? Cause if so, I gotta idea.

    • Jamespuck

      You must get to the belly of the beast.

    • weighmaster

      You Go! I recently had to replace the drum belt on mine, and the drain pump on the dishwasher. I love you tube how to videos. :)

      • Anna Rompage

        The best ever

    • wait! what?

      Politely remind said device that failure is always an option, as are the consequences…

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2fe37afefa1e52d21a370319cf314ce69c1c5f6c65d12e962f00ce98032276db.gif

    • Me not sure

      Wife thinks that if one sits and stares at anything long enough that it can be intimidated into working. It always works on me. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e827777bbb50fef11d287465a150a1cb4e22b98e7f043525dcd666c238b2bf9e.jpg

      • Paperless Tiger

        Jinx on yer floor.

      • wait! what?

        Who died and made the pig head a hat hangy-thingy?

        • Me not sure

          To be honest, the wife is out of town so I had to Google up a facsimile of a generic wife staring at a generic machine. I’m rather proud of my generic results, but that isn’t my specific house or pig.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        I’ll be in my bunk.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      You now have proven job experience when the depression arrives!

      • Anna Rompage

        I’m the guy who you want on your team when the end times come… I can hunt, can cook the harvest into an amazing meal, and you’ll have heat & hot running water in my camp…

  • Rick Hill
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ayup.

    • JoeChristmas

      Moore of that.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      France, on the other hand, does have a crazy right-wing party, but they are less intent on destroying the entire country. And they are generally less popular. And their LGV trains go 200 mph. But yeah, US Republicans are a special kind of malicious.

      • Rick Hill

        They, must, occasionally take the train.

      • amrak63

        “But yeah, US Republicans are a special kind of malicious.”

        And a special kind of stupid as well. The two traits reinforce each other.

        The same can be said of their base of Stupid White Folks. (BTW, is anyone yet tired of my congratulating myself on having evolved out of that tribe?)

      • puredog

        Isn’t that 200 kph?

        • Martini Ambassador 🍸

          https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/TGV

          In mid-2011, scheduled TGV trains operated at the highest speeds in conventional train service in the world, regularly reaching 320 km/h (200 mph) on the LGV Est, LGV Rhin-Rhône, and LGV Méditerranée.

          • Dartemus

            I’ve been on that train and it is amazing. That’s faster than one fourth of the speed of sound.

    • WeaselPoo

      Back in 1976 I think, the UK got its HST. 125mph. 300 mile journey in 2hr 40 mins. Then by 1980 I think, the APT, 155mph.
      20 years on I take the “high speed” Acela from NY to Washington DC. We hit 98mph for about 15 minutes. So lame.

    • amrak63

      I’m sure the Japanese have crazy right-wingers, but apparently, their Political Outsider Exclusion System works better than ours.

      The Japanese know damn well what can happen to a country whose belligerent fanatics get control of it.

      Coral Sea. Midway. Guadalcanal.

      An increasingly effective submarine campaign which starves and strangles the homeland.

      https://i.imgur.com/sRRiveE.jpg

      Philippine Sea. Leyte Gulf.

      HIROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI.

      • No, Japan has plenty crazy fascists. But Japan’s crazy fascists content themselves with WW2 Imperial Navy nostalgia and immigrant-baiting. They don’t have an allergy to state infrastructure funding.

    • TundraGrifter

      Actually, for decades the ruling party in Japan was the “Conservative” one – secretly financed by the CIA.

  • TootsStansbury

    Can anyone be as drunk as this crazy asshole obviously is and be fully erect?

    • Cosmic Owl 2

      I suspect a device or some medication would be necessary.

    • wait! what?

      Maybe 100 proof Viagra is a thing…

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Core Republican Value: delusion.

  • Parakeetist

    “Bumping sunshine”? Oh shit, he’s on LSD.

    • gallbladder

      That or bargain basement cough syrup.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    This is my Donald J. Trump poll:

    Is Donald J. Trump:

    A) The Worst President in American history?

    B) The Worst President in recorded history?

    C) The Worst President since the first amphibian wriggled ashore and croaked “Make this stinking, glutinous mudflat great again!”?

    D) The Worst possible President, including all conceivable alternate universes that may exist according to the most esoteric theories of modern physics?

    • gallbladder

      Yes.

    • suziq

      I know you are looking for an AOT,K so here it is: AOT,K!!!

    • wait! what?

      Well, you’re on track. It’s a very short poll.

    • DesertedPictures

      Well: there was this guy that went on a genecidal campaign against native americans. He was pretty bad too….

    • Johnatx

      Regarding option C: Eusthenopteron libelzz!!!

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        “I won’t drain the swamp!”

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      E) Proof that Lovecraft was right about what’s really going on in this universe?

    • Doug Langley

      Historians currently rank James Buchanan as the worst because he triggered a little something called the Civil War. If Donald wants to top that, he would have to launch WWIII. Which, horribly, is very possible.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Please do not give him any ideas.

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        Did you know Andrew Jackson tried to put a stop to all that civil war business? If it hadn’t been for James Buchanan’s sorry ass, he just might have pulled it off, too.

    • miss_grundy

      E) All of the above.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Suck it, Trebek!

    • President in Exile Firefly

      A, B, and C are all subsets of D, he said pedantically.

      But for my money, here are the five worst:
      Buchanan (could’ve stopped the Civil War from happening)
      Andrew Johnson (did his best to kill Reconstruction)
      Harding (because a corrupt idiot)
      Jackson (Indian removal and crashing the economy)
      #5 is a tie between Hoover and Nixon

  • Picabo
    • Doug Langley
    • redarmyzombie

      Really, we should all aspire to such things.

    • Parakeetist

      Call an ambulance

    • Parakeetist

      “Oh baby-”

      Alan: “Yiiiiipes my ass you guys wtf”

  • Bill D. Burger
    • gallbladder

      What, no swastika?!? He’s slipping.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        He wanted one, they assured him it would be on the third side, and that seemed to satisfy him.

    • bbayliss

      That’s one ugly piece of shit.

      • Bill D. Burger

        You knew it had to be a tasteless, gilded piece of shit. It reflects his entire existence.
        Even THIS he fucked up. It disgraceful. They are often treasured pieces given to members of the military and also to civilian heroes and he degrades it with a cheap campaign meme.

        https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DRrtkUDXcAASZxi.jpg

        • Rick Hill

          Also, too, trump personally had a hand in the design.

          • Bill D. Burger

            Oh of course. The gaudy and cheap looking overburden of gold just screams ‘Trump’!

          • miss_grundy

            Will they be manufactured in China?

          • Courser_Resistance

            Not unlikely. Most of them are, though one would *think* the United States Government would go with someone classier. But I seriously doubt it.

        • CripesAmighty

          Jesus. It’s a tchotchke from a Jersey street hawker.

          • Bub, the cynical zombie

            But less prestigious.

          • SkinlessGenderlessMan

            In which dialect is that the proper pronunciation for “prostitute”?

        • Kryptonian Canis

          Oh my god, I’m actually laughing out loud. Holy shit, that thing is tacky as fuck!

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        His coin is unattractive, too.

    • And everyone should buy The West Wing Weekly’s Challenge coin for the Bartlett admin instead

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
    • CripesAmighty

      Is there anything touched by this reprobate that is not debased, degraded beyond repair; rendered vulgar, tacky, tawdry and cheap?
      Here’s our answer.

    • miss_grundy

      I am so tired of this toddler who didn’t get enough “love” from mommy and daddy because everything always has to be about him.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      “Hail the Führer!”

    • Courser_Resistance

      You know, just when I think he can’t piss on another goddamn thing I didn’t realize I gave a flying crap about and…

      ::::wails and cries:::

      Yeah, I have a couple of challenge coins from police as recognition for a couple of human remains searches I was on. It’s not an important thing in the grand scheme, you know. They’re just in my filing cabinet in a folder. But Jesus Christ on a Goddamn Pogo Stick, IS NOTHING SACRED!!!

      I know, *really* fucking stupid question.

    • Amy!

      “Please sir, may I have a different one? This one’s got trump on it.”

    • SadDemInTex
  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Housemates on a two week trip, so I was looking forward to managing a few days where I don’t have to see anyone (the introvert in me seriously needs a break); checked the calendar, and there is not a SINGLE FUCKING DAY before they get back where I can just zone out without having to tolerate another human. wtf universe

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      People are the worst!

  • RobKanC

    Maybe they were walking erect because they were collectively being fucked by the tax scam bill.

  • Jamespuck

    To much whiskey, not enough wine. Tryng to keep a steady buzz on until impeachment day. But gotta learn the right ratio🍸🍺🍷 nap time….

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Too…much whiskey? Is such a thing possible?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        I must sadly affirm this from experience.

  • Jamespuck
  • You know, I used to love Christmas. I used to love putting up a tree. Used to love singing Christmas carols. Used to love the time of year, the idea of peace on Earth, good will towards men, used to love the idea of this incomprehensible divine being deciding to come down here and tell us “Hello, love you guys, could you also love each other and stop being assholes?”

    Now, thanks to shitheads like this, I’m souring on the holiday. So thanks, you worthless fucks with your imaginary “War on Christmas.”

    Happy fucking holidays and go fuck yourself with something jagged and uncomfortable.

  • Thiazin Red

    Even though you can now legally say Merry Christmas, some people are going to be missing their presents. So lets all take a moment to sympathize with the people who will not be receiving a giant pile of weed in their stockings.

    https://www.thecut.com/2017/12/elderly-couple-caught-60-pounds-of-weed-christmas-presents.html

  • Wuulf
    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Once you go Santa, you won’t need banana.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Show yourself out, sir.

    • The Wanderer

      I am strangely aroused.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Yeah, I get off on some pretty freaky stuff, too…

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Umm, I have it on good authority that Santa is WHITE.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Only in the dark.

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      His belt buckle says “ANL”

      Apparently its NOT ashes and soot all over his suit!

  • miss_grundy

    For those people on the Trump train or not on the Trump train, this is high-speed rail right now.

    Until the train gets to the Mueller intersection where it will derail! Yeah, baby!

  • Joe Beese

    Picked up a bit of a cold this week. I read somewhere that bourbon is an effective folk remedy.

    OK, I just made that up.

    • redarmyzombie

      Eh, you’re not wrong though…

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        knew a southerner – bourbon and honey or something.

        A frat guy in college swore by super hot Hooter’s hot wings and a pitcher of (piss) beer.

        He was well the next day.

        • redarmyzombie

          Honey. Lemon. Whiskey. Works miracles.

    • Jacob DiCiaula

      It’s an effective life remedy

    • Paperless Tiger

      Common knowledge.

    • notaten

      Bourbon, honey and lemon juice, as hot as you can stand it. You’ll be right as rain by tomorrow. Or the next day.

    • Wuulf
    • Arolpin

      That’s odd, because I’ve been using bourbon (along with tea & Advil Cold & Sinus) to treat my cold all week. I feel a lot better today, but I’ll have another couple bourbons just to be sure.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Honestly, making a bit of a toddy with bourbon or brandy, honey and a squeeze of hot lemon added to a bit of hot water. Does a great job of clearing/soothing the throat and opening the the nasal passages.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      No, no, I believe it’s true! I’ve been drinking copious amounts of Wild Turkey 101 for weeks, and not so much as a sniffle!

    • Changeling

      But I just read it on the internet!

    • puredog

      Like opioids, it’ll just make you care less.

  • Jacob DiCiaula

    Spent more then I’d planned, but got spouse a nice pendant with her birth stone. Also got the ‘from the kids’ gift- a pretty nice scarf in the color and style youngest suggested. Basically just have to get for my brother and a gi joe toy for my nephew. Of course, now I will spend this evening wrapping gifts with spouse. God bless adulting

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Go home, Green Party, you’re drunk.

      • Thorn Spike

        Drunk and stupid. And tomorrow they’ll still be stupid.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        And high.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      D-d-deeeeeerrrrrp?

    • Bill D. Burger
    • UnsaltedSinner

      Investigate away, if you must. The reason no Democrats are in a sweaty state of panic about a Uranium One investigation is that they know you won’t find anything. It’s a waste of time and money, of course…

    • Tragic Typos

      The Green Party is corrupt to the core. They did everything in their power to just give #CrookedJill the nomination even though Cherney polled better versus Trump.

      Green Party insiders were instrumental in rolling out chakra ID laws in various city councils around the country — which meant only the wealthy could have all their chakras vote in the Green primaries. Most poor people have one or more chakras that don’t drive and therefore would never need an ID.

    • Iam Reading

      All 3 of them, including JS?

    • Ugg, I thought they were removing Twitter verification from dangerous extremist organizations?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      except they didn’t, fucking liar.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Tofu Palin says wut?

      God bless the green tea party- every bit as nutty and full of shit as the other tea party, only in the other direction (until that horseshoe bends around to the dark side of the moon and they become indistinguishable from RWNJs)

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    Did you all know our efforts in Iraq have been given the name “Operation Inherent Resolve.”?

    WTF?

    • Amy!

      Somebody told Trump it was “Inherit the Solve,” meaning solvent, meaning oil. We’re gonna take it, this time, like we shoulda before.

      (think he could pronounce “inherent”?)

    • wait! what?

      Inherently resolving aggressive queasiness.
      They need an acronym for that, too

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      What happened to “Operation FUBAR”?

    • Jacob DiCiaula

      Have a buddy with some rank. My state is looking to fill artillery, fire support, and combat engineer slots in our guard unit. Fun times ahead

      Edit: to be clear, officer slots. And I got another message to see if I wanted to play

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I believe that if the tradition of court jesters were to be revived for the modern age, this guy would be a big hit in the Dumbass WH.
    https://twitter.com/qikipedia/status/944296486069616640?ref_src=twcamp%5Eshare%7Ctwsrc%5Em5%7Ctwgr%5Eemail%7Ctwcon%5E7046%7Ctwterm%5E3

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      for that reward, I’d be willing to train for years.

    • Thiazin Red

      Not going to lie that does sound impressive.

    • The Wanderer

      Now we have Lindsey Graham. Standards have slipped during the centuries.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        From farting to queefing. Sad progress.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Jeff Sessions libulz!!1!

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      He was not rewarded what he was worth.

    • therblig

      My life, when it is written, will read better than it lived. Henry Fitz-Empress, first Plantagenet, a king at twenty-one, the ablest soldier of an able time. He led men well, he cared for justice when he could and ruled, for thirty years, a state as great as Charlemagne’s. He married out of love, a woman out of legend. Not in Alexandria, or Rome, or Camelot has there been such a queen. She bore him many children. But no sons. King Henry had no sons. He had three whiskered things but he disowned them. Also, he had a jester who could jump, whistle, and fart simultaneously.

    • gallbladder

      Please pass the beans.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      In fairness, it was a subtle jab at Thomas à Becket.

    • TootsStansbury

      What. I bet Sarah Hucksterbee Sandwiches can pull that stunt off without missing a beat. I mean, she can make pie!

  • Thiazin Red

    So far no Christmas mishaps. No one has broken anything. No one has gotten food poisoning. No one is having emergency surgery.

    • Lord Jim

      And that’s a good thing. :)

    • Marion in Savannah

      [snerk] When he was a young thing Mr. MinS’s appendix blew on July 4 weekend. New surgical residents start their rotations on July 1. He actually heard them tossing a coin to see who would get to cut him! (He’s fine — I guess the nurses knew what to do.)

    • puredog

      The weekend is young.

    • therblig

      our worst christmas included having to put one of our dogs down on christmas eve because her cancer had progressed and her lungs were filling with fluid and having to take 2 y.o. blig jr to the ER for an asthma attack on christmas night. we got there at around 11pm and stayed until 7am because there was only a single attending physician on duty and s/he had to deal with a fatality in another part of the hospital.

      the follow up involved blig jr becoming a roid rage monster on liquid albuterol for a couple of days.

      after that, we never sweated the small stuff.

  • Changeling

    “people walking more erect”

    At least they’re evolving? That means Trumpsters might become H. Sapiens in as little as 1 500 000 years.

    • therblig

      not once they know what the “H” stands for.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Somebody notify the CDC. From now on, Nohomo Sapiens.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Brains don’t evolve out of thin air, though.

      • Marion in Savannah

        “Evolve?” What is this word you use? It sounds dangerously “sciencey.”

        • gallbladder

          Reeks of alternative facts to me.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      H. sapiens moranis

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Soon they’ll discover fire and flint tools!

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    sigh – y’all prob covered this – but I see an AP story:

    “More than 4 in 5 enrolled in ‘Obamacare’ are in Trump states.”

    I need that fan art of a MLP in a rage right about now.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      sigh: out of 8.8 million consumers signed up this year, 7.3 million are from states Trump won.

      • notaten

        Yep, they’re all “fuck that n***er, but mama needs that new liver and sister-daughter needs the medicine for the dibeetus. We needs the ACA, but we don’t take that Obama care shit.” I know a lot of these people.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        FWIW, they are from states that didn’t do there own exchanges but use the Federal exchange, so it’s a biased sample.

    • bupkus231

      That’s because so many “non-Trump states” have their own exchanges ( several of which are still accepting enrollees – like CA, which goes through January ), and weren’t counted as Obamacare enrollments.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        ahhhh, fair point and important one.

    • Jacob DiCiaula

      One of my death wishes… I’m going to tell the grandkids I stayed in the Army to have healthcare. They’re going to think I’m losing it because every citizen has access to Medicaid, duh

  • Parakeetist

    Yesterday, I bought some beer from Iceland. I thought it was going to be all cool and shit. It was weak.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      In my humble experience over there and imported, only the Danes have decent beers.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        and that’s why we call them Great Danes

    • chascates

      What kind of clear, high proof national liquor have they?

      • Parakeetist

        They probably make vodka. I will look for that next time.

    • Changeling

      It might not be the best place to grow barley. Are you sure it wasn’t made of fish?

    • Was it Viking beer? Iceland actually had a long prohibition era. The signature drink of the country was nicknamed black death and is really only of appeal to caraway seed fanciers.

      • h4rr4r

        A proper schnapps.

        To bad in the USA schnapps means food coloring and sugar added to vodka.

      • chascates

        You know, I can drink cinnamon schnapps until the cows come home but caraway or heavy anise flavors are harder to belt down.

      • Parakeetist

        It’s called Einstök. Says it has berries.

  • Marion in Savannah

    So. Is it just me, or does this sound like the NYT is trying to whitewash the “no emoluments” ruling? Or maybe we should just all weep and send thoughts and prayers to the poor Trump family because their business is tanking?

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/22/business/trump-family-business-takes-it-down-a-notch.html?_r=0

    • Mike Steele

      Ruling was not on merits, but simply that CREW crew didn’t have standing – although it would seem that the rival restauranteurs would, doncha know?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        It was a weak argument re: standing- the fix is for fucking Congress to do their damn job

      • Marion in Savannah

        So I guess it’s time for thoughts and prayers. I think they should all go bankrupt, and I pray that it happens ASAP. There. Done.

  • chascates
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Pretty pathetic when you can actually video every last Trump supporter in a 30 second clip

    • gallbladder

      Fuck off outta here. Did they each get 50 bucks?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Naw, he stiffed them…

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Wait, this isn’t a parody? Holy shit.

    • redarmyzombie
    • Addled Frock

      Propaganda

    • jesterpunk
      • TootsStansbury

        I can’t watch that horseshit. Is “Pickle” in there?

    • Mike Steele

      Not watching the video, as this lady (and many like her) are the reason I gave up schmoozing at our neighborhood gathering place. Once, kinda Cheers, it is now MAGA(t) Central. Thanks, Trump.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      If you’re wondering how stupid the average Trump voter is, this commercial proves they are exceedingly stupid. Have they not been saying “Merry Christmas” for the past 8 years because they were afraid of the feckless, socialist, golf playing, mom jeans wearing, leading from behind, president Obama?

      One out of three Trump supporters is just as stupid as the other two.

    • therblig

      aren’t they required to say “Actor portrayals – Not actual stupid fucking morons”?

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      looks like a hostage video.

    • That is… really gross.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Thank you, President Trump, for raising my blood pressure and damaging my liver!

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    people of Pittsburgh are walking around erect?

    No, that’s just Big Ben Roethlisberger taking Little Ben out for a walk again. Lookout ladies, the rapiest QB is on the prowl!

  • Shan

    Ok, Christmassy Wonkers. Do people normally wrap stocking stuffers or just stuff them into the stockings?

    • Addled Frock

      Stuff em

    • redarmyzombie

      Only if they have too much time on their hands.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      stuff ’em

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      The stocking is the wrapping!

      • Shan

        That’s what I was thinking.

    • shastakoala

      Both. Except the Orange, nuts and coal.

      • Shan

        What about the box of sticks? My dad always threatened me with that.

        • Marion in Savannah

          A box of sticks should be wrapped, and inside the box each individual stick should also be wrapped. I’m a stickler for traditions.

          • Shan

            *snicker*

          • Marion in Savannah

            Hand to God — I once gave a friend a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle, with each piece individually wrapped in tissue paper. Of course, I bought the damn thing in April…

          • Shan

            So you used to be a tweaker?

          • SDGeoff3

            I was going to comment…

          • Marion in Savannah

            Nah — I can’t help myself. I’m a Capricorn!

          • Shan

            So is my son. It’s his 21st birthday today!

          • Amy!

            Do the traditions get wrapped, too?

          • Marion in Savannah

            OF COURSE!

    • Marion in Savannah

      My mother always wrapped, but that tradition may have changed since I was a little one in the early 1950s.

    • WIDTAP

      Always wear your stocking when your stuffing.

      (I swear. This “No Sex Ed in schools” is really setting us back.)

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I’ve used little boxes for tiny items- bits of jewelry and such.

    • SadDemInTex

      Scraps of Xmas wrap, New Yorker covers, little fabric bags, tin foil

      • Shan

        Ooh, funny papers in color! That takes me back…

    • weejee

      Just stuff ’em. ‘cept the orange – hit that with a baseball bat.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4de6ba3f4beeb6fffa0fa0d15ca6b916d1aeeb8add60888e8dea74bb360b9383.gif

    • SDGeoff3

      A little this, a little that. It’s a good opportunity to get cute and let your imagination take over.

      • Shan

        I don’t have much of a creative imagination so that’s why o was looking for a standard process.

        • starfanglednut

          I dunno. Maybe sort of nestling them in festive tissue paper would be a nice middle ground?

    • Slamtundra

      Stuff ’em. No wrapping required or wanted.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar
    • gallbladder

      I want to kick it square in the nutroids. Tie’s still way too short.

      • weejee

        None tape tie tack, too, also.

    • jesterpunk
    • Amy!

      He should be careful. That’s Teddy, behind him. He walks softly. Among other things.

      • Hell, Lincoln could body slam him with no trouble.

    • I’ve got $20 that says Jimmy Carter could take Lord Dampnut in a fight. He’s probably too nice to actually do it, but he COULD.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        I’ve got $20 for FDR if he runs over Dump’s foot with his wheelchair.

      • dslindc

        He could probably do it while still building a home for the poor.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Jimmeh served, unlike president bone spurs

      • Paperless Tiger

        Nixon said he could take him, but it was just the booze talking.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Hell, Nixon’s head could take him

    • Andrew Rheinheimer

      Methinks ol’ Teddy would have knocked him out the second he tried anything funny on him.

    • Andrew Jackson would challenge him to a duel.

    • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

      That double breasted suit was always a sharp look for Truman. Even on cartoon-doodle Truman.

  • Anne Of Green Bagels
  • jesterpunk
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      “You’re no Obama. You’re just a child in a mask bad toupée”

  • george lastrapes

    All the ‘DearLeadering’ going on- all the fawning worship- do the toadies know how cringesome it is to see them thus? Are they afraid of summary execution if they are insufficiently servile? Perhaps the PeeResident thinks that if he is to defeat Kim Jong-Un, he must first become Kim Jong-Un.

    • CripesAmighty

      It just makes them that much more craven. At least Kim’s bootlickers are doing it so they’re not frogmarched into a kourtyard kablooie. Donnies toadies just wanna stay in on the grift.

    • “Which of you shall we say doth love us most?”

      King Lear, Act 1, Scene 1

      • george lastrapes

        Can’t end well.

      • george lastrapes

        First as tragedy, then as farce.
        King Canutjob, whose adoring subjects think he can bid the tides. And he agrees, but drowns while trying to show off his command of nature……..

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    one of my neighbors wished me happy holidays today. the war on Christmas is real. even in Paradise (NV).

    • suziq

      What a monster!

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        I bet she eats canned clams also, too.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    President Donald Trump told aides he was eager to take questions Friday and hold a news conference to tout his accomplishments before leaving for Mar-a-Lago, but some advisers argued against it… As reporters kept pressing Trump, aides moved closer and closer to the Resolute Desk, gently prodding reporters and photographers to leave the Oval Office. With the President still talking, chief economic adviser Gary Cohn and other officials stood in front of the desk, all but blocking Trump’s view.

    Finally, White House chief of staff John Kelly also joined in and asked the press to leave, saying: “Helicopter is running out of gas,” referring to Marine One that was waiting to take the President to Air Force One.

    Highlarryous.

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/22/politics/donald-trump-no-news-conference/index.html

    • Marion in Savannah

      Too bad they didn’t linger longer. Maybe the copter would have crashed.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Wonder what they thought he was gonna blow the lid off of this time.

    • SayItWithWookies

      “We’d love to have Assmouth answer more questions guys, but we have to pile him into the chopper before the coke wears off — you don’t want to see your president without his feeling of invincibility, you know.”

  • Iam Reading

    That’s some world-class gobbledygook ranting going on for someone with Trump’s cock in his mouth.

    • JustDon’tSayMoore

      So Trump’s the one “bumping sunshine”?

      • Changeling

        Trump’s the Sun King, so….

  • shastakoala

    Confession. Since I’ve been healing up from my surgery I’ve unwrapped and rewrapped most of my presents. I know everything I’m getting. A little bored here.

    • Amy!

      Should you be saying that where Dok can see?

      • shastakoala

        We exchange gifts Christmas Eve. :)

  • jesterpunk

    How the fuck do you expect to have money for this you stupid fucking moron? You just blew a 1.5 trillion dollar hole in the budget.

    https://nypost.com/2017/12/22/trump-predicts-bipartisan-effort-to-rebuild-infrastructure/

    Flush off his victory on tax policy, President Trump predicted Friday that Republicans and Democrats will come together to rebuild the US.

    “At some point, and for the good of the country, I predict we will start working with the Democrats in a Bipartisan fashion. Infrastructure would be a perfect place to start,” Trump said in an early morning tweet.

    “After having foolishly spent $7 trillion in the Middle East, it is time to start rebuilding our country!”

    The president is expected to release an approximately 70-page infrastructure proposal in January, relying on a mix of federal, local and private spending.

    Also some of that middle east spending was due to Jared forgetting to book after dinner entertainment and you dropping a big ass bomb in Afghanistan so Brain Williams will call you presidential.

    • SadDemInTex

      “Private spending” selling America to Russian oligarchs and China

    • notaten

      It’s other people’s money! He’s the best at spending other people’s money, believe me!

      • jesterpunk

        But the federal government doesnt have money for things now, republicans said that since some assholes blew up the debt we cant afford CHIP and we have to cut social security, medicare and medicaid to make up the difference.

        • notaten

          I know, I didn’t express what I was trying to say. I’m infected with the incoherent rage virus, and so far there is no cure.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He was expecting it all to be privately funded. He tried this at the beginning of his term and practically flipped out when informed that giant-ass corporations weren’t going to pony up just for the fuck of it. Like, he was amazed that other real corporate CEOs were as stingy as he is.

      • jesterpunk

        He is still planning on private funding with state and federal funding. But yeah he wont get the private funding for it even with his tax cuts for the super rich.

    • Michael R

      I thought he finished that his first 100 days ,
      on time and under budget to to his brilliance and negotiating skills .

    • Paperless Tiger

      He doesn’t realize he just spent all his capital, political and otherwise. No wonder he went bankrupt.

  • Blanche de Shambles

    Well- I’m still out of work, I have some kind of weird head cold, and Arsenal did well to fight back against the Scouse, but still didn’t win.

    So, Ladies and Gentlemen…Miss Neko Case!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgTPo4zRI2Q

  • SadDemInTex

    Reminds me of the snickering we do when we play Copland’s Lincoln Portrait. The narrator intones at one point “when erect (pause) Abraham Lincoln was 6 feet tall. In the last few years someone usually changes it to standing

    • Amy!

      He was also that tall when not erect, but it wasn’t worth comment, then.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        unless you’re Mary Todd

  • OrG

    Delusional or lying fucking liar?

    • gallbladder

      Yes.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        He does deny being delusional; so plausible.

  • John Oliver is across the pond:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW43OnmPxIs

    • I just watched that dude’s stand-up special on Netflix last night (Russell Howard). It was goddamn hilarious and amazing.

  • SKruetheratbassedarDs

    Yes, Congressman Cretin, American voters wanted you to back-burner infrastructure replacement and repair, healthcare expansion and cost control, more effective pharmaceutical regulation, sensible regulation of campaign spending, term limits, childrens health and the public health and safety issues presented by the exploding homeless population, so that you could gift wrap fat stacks of cash to Chuck and Dave Koch. You should move to texas, where you will still be dead wrong, but at least you’ll look less nutty about it, standing next to Gohmert and Farenthold . . .

  • Andrew Rheinheimer

    My holiday is the solstice, so if someone tells me off for saying happy holidays, and to only say Merry Christmas, I am going to melt their face off with words.

  • Here we go, some Lindsey Stirling
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RkSy6ElNIY

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I did a couple of her shows- the videos translate better than the live stuff IMHO

  • memzilla Ω
    • Courser_Resistance

      Oh, I have to steal that one! Excellent!

    • DAY- OH! Dayyyyy-oh. Daylight come, and me wanna go home.

  • Finally seeing Star Wars in about an hour!

    • Remember to soak in the glorious tears of MRA bros.

    • h4rr4r

      Snape kills Dumbledore!

      • More Snape? Sign me up!

        • RIP alan rickman

          • Villago Delenda Est

            “You won’t have Hans Gruber to kick around anymore!”

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Make it so, Loki!

      • ….Rosebud is the sled.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          The Titanic hits and iceberg and sinks!

        • h4rr4r

          Water kills the aliens.

        • Ωbjectifier

          Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.

        • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

          The Crying Game lady has a penis.

      • Duke

        I’m first loser!

    • jesterpunk

      Did you know there are women in the movie and the right is so upset about that? Also they are mad they cant mansplain and that makes them gay.

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        That’s why we’re going to see it in the theater.

        • jesterpunk

          Sounds like a good plan, you know they wont be there complaining the whole time.

      • SayItWithWookies

        As long as they spend the fight scenes cowering in a corner chewing on their knuckle like a proper lady, all is well.

    • Duke

      Snape kills Dumbledore

    • UnsaltedSinner
  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    Tapestry show serfs understand @donaeldunready tax policy better than does failing @JorvikTimes. @WulfgarTheBard @FawkesAnnals @SeanTheHalfwity @meophamister pic.twitter.com/Z0ayQblZ1e— Vladimir of the Rus (@VladimirKhagan) December 22, 2017

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      “Dennis! There’s some lovely filth down here!”

  • Jo Mathie

    “not just whispering ‘Merry Christmas’” I’m a fricking atheist and I say “Merry Christmas” to my customers – I literally haven’t ever heard anyone being offended by it. Of all the things to be offended about there are a lot of issues that need to be talked about rather than the vocabulary regarding a holiday whose actual date is iffy at best and is based on paganism.

    • yyyaz

      I said it again today to a cashier. I’m a hardcore atheist but it is analogous to a seasonal “have a great day” for me. Just an acknowledgment of the human on the other side of the transaction that you aren’t a total dick like so many customers are.

  • janecita

    Best things about winter:
    *Flannel pajamas
    *Sweatpants
    *Fireplace
    *Mulled wine

    • shastakoala

      Snow

      • janecita

        Great to watch through the window.

    • Amy!

      Heated floors.

      • janecita

        I don’t have those:-(

        • Amy!

          Oooooh, I do. It’s still possibly the thing that I love most about my house.

          NC, so winter isn’t that impressive, but heated floors are the fucking bomb. I first encountered them in northern Utah, where it made one hell of a difference.

          • janecita

            Damn, that sounds even better than my heated towel rack! I want toasty feet!

    • Christopher Story

      Less sun (I’m allergic)

    • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

      Sweat “pants?” I do not understand.

    • blankets
      being nude under blankets
      heated toilet seats
      eczema

      • janecita

        I’ll have to pass on the eczema.

        • SDGeoff3

          And you seemed so nice.

        • unfortunately that’s not possible

    • Duke

      Go glögg or go home.

    • SDGeoff3

      Beer in the fridge
      No snow to shovel
      Fresh avos and oranges on the trees
      Peace and quiet.
      And a happy and hopeful new year to all. You’re very nice here.

      • janecita

        Thanks, same to you:-)

    • Sophia

      You had me until the mulled wine

      • janecita

        Mulled wine is awesome! I make my own mulling spice mix and everything.

  • Michael R
  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    So the terror suspect in the San Fran terror plot is a white kid who looks like a racist, but is really a Muslim who hates Trump? Sure, 2017, why not?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Even the false flag operatives need a scorecard these days.

    • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

      Also, he was a marine who got kicked out for asthma and used to heart posts on social media by Isis and Anonymous according to cee bee ess.

  • Sophia

    Just To Remind You That Life Is Beautiful

    Because we forget to look at the beauty that is there. Take a deep breath and slowly exhale.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQBccDS06io

    • SDGeoff3

      Ooooohhh…

    • Red Bird

      That’s the best brother sister hug ever!

  • President in Exile Firefly

    He’s gonna be primaried by Hugh G. Rection.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Mike Hunt totally approves this message.

      • amrak63

        As does Hugh Jass.

        Oh, and Ben Dover.

  • memzilla Ω
  • President in Exile Firefly

    If you go into your bathroom, turn out the lights, hold a lit candle, and say “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas” real fast, Biggie Smalls appears.

    • janecita

      Will he tell me who killed Tupac?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        when after all, it was you and me

  • thewalkindude

    I’m amazed he didn’t claim he came up with the idea of “bonuses”
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3e3a569fe8d5290f79881eddc38ed03fe21a9fc5ae364c205fe25fd2f4bdccb6.jpg

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Oh yay, where’s mine?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Heh, he said ‘bone us’. Heh.”
      — Donald Trump, Jr.

    • h4rr4r

      Christmas bonuses, who ever heard of that?

      Mind you, we get ours at the end of January. They base the size on how holiday went.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Those workers should probably save that $1000, since they’ll need it for their increased health insurance premiums.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        it might cover the first quarter next year if they’re lucky

      • 3FingerPete

        And pay student loan interest.

        ETA: Disregard this. Those exemptions survived the tax bill.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          “We don’t need no stinkin’ smart people, so I’m not sure why they’re letting those coastal elites get paid a livable stipend for graduate school.”

          ~Trump Supporter

    • therblig

      bullfuckingshit

    • Duke

      Everyone knows they can manipulate him with flattery and false credit.

      They’re giving bonuses now because they’ll be getting tax cuts later?

      “Riiight”

    • Sophia

      A bonus at Christmas time. What an amazing idea, who da thunk.

    • TootsStansbury

      Oh for heavens sake. I got my “incentive” at the end of the fiscal year you lying, sack of sharts, fucking moron.

    • Paperless Tiger

      God forbid he should discover dirt.

    • 3FingerPete

      He has already claimed to have transcended the sainted Ronald Reagan.

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      “Now that our Very Amazing and Cut Cut Cut Tax bill has worked out so well and very popularly, many people are now giving each other beautiful gifts wrapped up in ribbons and amazing bows. This is a phenomenon that is really catching on with all the many everyone people everywhere who all like me very much and agree!”

  • Roni Raven, Sweet Lump
    • jesterpunk

      He is planning on replacing people with his former people next year. So Kelly might be fired to bring back Rancid Pubes or Stephen Miller or Corey.

      https://www.politico.com/story/2017/12/21/trump-white-house-staff-shakeup-313721

      • ariel_gee_398

        Maybe idiots willing to debase themselves and work in this White House are a finite resource after all.

      • Sophia

        Corey is trying real hard to get back in there.

        • Changeling

          Now that assaults on women are no biggie any more.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    So Gretchen Carlson is calling for the dipshit executives of the Miss America Pageant to step down because they’re crude and demeaning to women? Good idea, Ms. Carlson, and maybe you could also suggest that the pussy grabber in chief also step down? Oh, right, you’re still a Conservative, so that’s not going to happen, is it?

    • OrG

      Executives of beauty pageant crude and demeaning to women??
      No Way!

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        That is surprising, isn’t it?

    • altleftjohn

      How are beauty pageants even a thing anymore? Oh, yeah. . . Men who are crude and demeaning to women.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Gretchen Carlson is simply shocked that men who run beauty pageants look at women as meat. Gretchen Carlson is a former beauty contest winner who went on to act like A idiot on Fox News, an organization known for supporting women’s equality. Gretchen Carlson is not a bright woman, even though she’s a Rhodes Scholar.

  • Anyway, for all you Wonketteers,
    Good night, good luck, a Merry Christmas, and may God bless all of you – all of you on the good Earth.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFUx_KC1bHQ

    • Gosala

      Peace on earth. Goodwill toward all.

      (I gotta lot of work one that second bit)

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      That always chokes me up. It was a beautiful thing to do.

      • yyyaz

        Thinking of where we have been already, and then about where we should be now makes me cry bitter, angry tears.

    • puredog

      This is all premature. There is no guarantee we will survive until Christmas. Harsh, I know, but think about it. We’re all on a 12-step program now; “one day at a time.”

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I have to get this out of me or I am going to lose it…

    THERE IS NO WAR ON FUCKING CHRISTMAS!! I am fucking tired of these dipshits making it sound like it was illegal to say merry christmas or you would get arrested or imprisoned or it was brave to say it. Yeah, its brave in a majority Christian country to say Merry Christmas. Have the god damn medal of honor for bravery. I am tired of these snowflakes acting like they are being triggered by Happy Holidays, Fuck your feelings!!

    Man, i feel so much better. Happy Holidays, Wonkettes

    • Gosala

      There’s no war on Christmas???

      ** weeps bitter tears **

    • jesterpunk

      No war on Christmas? Then why do I have my war on Christmas weapons?

      https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d0/01/9f/d0019fd94c19a69493ca8200fcaa7645.gif

    • VirGinYa

      Christmas declared war on Thanksgiving years ago.

    • Sophia

      Aw come on, tell us how you really feel.

      Happy Holidays to you too.

    • Cat Cafe

      It’s worse than that. What they’re really saying is “We don’t want to have to respect or acknowledge other religions. Why are you making us do that? We don’t want to. We HATE other religions. We HATE the Jews and the Muslims and the blacks with their Kwanzaa, too. WE HATE THEM. TELL US WE CAN SAY THAT OUT LOUD NOW.”

      And so that’s what they’re actually fucking saying, when they say there’s a war on Christmas, or “finally we can say Merry Christmas again.” They’re saying “Juden! Juden! Juden! HA HA WE CAN SAY IT NOW!” “BAN MUSLIMS! WE HATE THEM!” and “NEXT YEAR it’ll be the n-word! YAY!!!!”

      That’s why we have such a strong, visceral reaction to this whole thing. It is pure hatred, directed at us. We have the right, even the necessity of speaking up to it EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!

      I mean, seriously, if there was a war, it was between Christmas and Thanksgiving, and Christmas won.

    • tehbaddr

      You are mistaken, I am still actively partaking in the war on Christmas.

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      Did motherfucking Krampus show up to fuck your shit up, and carry your dumbass kids off in a sack?

      No? Some store clerk blandly wished you well, but not using the exact proper words? And this bland comment somehow is an attack… on your faith?

      Yeah, tell us all about the terrible wounds you suffered during the war on Christmas, Grampa Reactionary Fuck-biscuits. Oh no! Did your super-mighty religion suffer massive internal bruising because of the slight breeze coming off of a lukewarm emotional fart wafting in its general direction?!

      Ahh, I feel better now too!

      THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES IS REAL, PEOPLE!

  • President in Exile Firefly

    I’m an Old Light Puritan and I believe that Christmas is a holiday made up by filthy, hellbound papists.

    • h4rr4r

      I always found that funny.

      So the basis for all Protestant faiths is a false religion in their minds.

      • I like Brendan Behan’s take, when asked why, despite his criticisms of the RCC, he remained a Catholic: I would rather belong to a church founded on the rock of St Peter than one founded on the stones of Henry VIII.

    • SDGeoff3

      Old Light Puritan sounds like the name of some kind of craft beer that doesn’t pair well with anything.

      • Slamtundra

        That made me laugh out loud.

      • They use Calvinism as a bittering agent instead of hops.

        • altleftjohn

          It was predestined.

        • SDGeoff3

          I’m sure it’s delightful.

    • Changeling

      When I lived in Nigeria some pious people were writing letters to the editors this time if the year complaining about people celebrating a pagan European thing that’s nowhere to be found in the Bible.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    So I’ve been looking for amusing videos to calm our new friends. Who knew that precision drum lines were a thing?

    https://youtu.be/DjjiXkyG_Sc

    • Cat Cafe

      Oh honey, there was a whole movie about it! They’re great!! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0303933/

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I was astonished to find out that dancing horses are also too a thing.

        It is.

        https://youtu.be/knCj92zA0tU

        • Cat Cafe

          Yes, this was the weirdest fucking thing–didn’t Mitt Romney’s wife have a Prancing Pony? What a ridiculous thing, to see the dignity, strength, and grandeur of this magnificent beast and go “I’ma teach it to MINCE AROUND”

        • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

          …is this real? I can’t believe I’m watching a bunch of tense middle-aged white people staring at a guy on a goofy costume sitting on a horse dancing to a hip-hop beat.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            It’s real. Go to the YouTube’s and check out dressage.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Way back in the day there was an impresario named Sol Hurok who brought wonderful things to NYC, that mother and I would go see. The Lippizaner horses was one, and the other that I will never forget was the Bolshoi Ballet. (Bear in mind — this was at the height of the Cold War.) I got to see Maya Plisetskaya dance. I don’t think she had bones in her arms…

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_Plisetskaya

          • Sophia

            I go to see the Lipizzaner Stallions once. It was amazing.

        • Sally

          But we all learned THAT from Queen Anne Romney, who owns some of these million dollar animals as part of her ‘therapy.’ Surely you remember her Olympic horse Rafalca.

    • shivaskeeper

      We have new friends?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Where are they? I wanna go say hello!

        • shivaskeeper

          IK, R?

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Old friend, for you. Gustav. Who doesn’t seem actively rabid, btw.

        • shivaskeeper

          Reply from a three day old post defending Stein. Yeah.

          Not actively insane, but still defending Stein.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            I’m hoping the drum lines will help. :)

    • dlemex
  • janecita

    I just picked up the new Stephen King book from the library, “Sleeping Beauties.” The book is over 700 pages long, it’s going to be a nice Christmas:-)

    • Ωbjectifier

      Only 700 pages? He’s losing stamina in his old age.

  • starfanglednut
    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      that’s what happens when the GOP destroys the social safety net.

  • Michael R
  • tehbaddr

    That must really resonate with the brain stems what watch Fox!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
    • Me not sure

      Just watched Trump speaking of his “most legislative approvals in the history of the US” on Ari Melber’s show. As he spoke a load of white spittle flew out of his mouth. It was the truest thing to come out of his mouth all year.

      • Sophia

        ROLF

      • Sally

        Trump was on MSNBC? BUT he doesn’t watch them..ever. he told us that two days ago.

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      no tax return. no tax return. YOU ARE THE TAX RETURN!

  • UnsaltedSinner

    No matter how much I pray to Joe Pesci, the snow just won’t come.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hawOAtZcW9o

  • The Wanderer
  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    Michael the Penitent says Donaeld has worked miracles. pic.twitter.com/GsY8DqV5Xs— Wulfgar the Bard (@WulfgarTheBard) December 22, 2017

  • Duke
  • Dude’s not “bumpin sunshine” he’s bumpin high speed rails.

    Drug test the frantic bastard.

  • aktlib101

    Heh, did you see this other moron Trump Ambassador creep eat his own words when confronted by Dutch reporter? Fake nooz edition !
    “Trump ambassador shouts ‘fake news’ at reporter — and gets immediately busted with damning video”
    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/12/watch-trump-ambassador-shouts-fake-news-at-reporter-and-gets-immediately-busted-with-damning-video/

    “During an interview with Dutch reporter Wouter Zwart, Hoekstra was asked about past statements he’d made in 2015 about Muslims in the Netherlands setting fire to politicians and creating “no-go zones” within cities where Dutch police are too frightened to enter.

    Hoekstra initially tried to deny ever making such statements.

    “I didn’t say that, that is actually an incorrect statement,” Hoesktra insisted. “We would call it fake news. I never said that.”

    Zwart then proceeded to play a video clip of Hoekstra saying in 2015 that, “In the Netherlands, there are cars being burned, there are politicians that are being burned… and yes, there are no-go zones in the Netherlands.”

    • Ninja0980

      Pete is from the same area Betsy Devos is so this isn’t a shocker.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Yeah, the car fires were terrible in Amsterdam this fall. /s

      • Gosala

        Well, cars are supposed to burn. It’s part of the natural cycle. But the government has been suppressing the natural cycle. That’s why it was so bad this year.

        Oops… sorry. I meant wildfires. Silly me.

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      And then turns right around and denies saying, “fake news” only a few seconds after saying, “fake news”!

    • Mike Minden

      Is every Repub a pathological liar?

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        yes

      • aktlib101

        Do you really have to ask that question?

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      The media in other countries are just too rude to swallow the US brand of right wing disinformation. There was some memo they didn’t get.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        They refuse to report both sides!

    • OrG

      USAmerican reporters – Take Notice!

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      This guy is a fucking piece of work.

      “I didn’t say that, that is actually an incorrect statement,”
      Hoesktra insisted. “We would call it fake news. I never said that.”

      Zwart then proceeded to play a video clip of Hoekstra saying in 2015
      that, “In the Netherlands, there are cars being burned, there are
      politicians that are being burned… and yes, there are no-go zones in the
      Netherlands.”

      After playing the clip, Zwart confronted Hoekstra with his falsehoods.

      “You called it ‘fake news,’” the reporter pointed out.

      “I didn’t call that fake news,” Hoekstra defensively replied. “I didn’t use those words today… I don’t think I did.”

      Why did you say a thing?

      I did not say that thing, fake news.

      [video of guy saying the thing]

      Why did you say it was fake news?

      I did not say fake news about the thing which I said was fake news but actually did say

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “That little thing can playback what I said exactly, in my own voice? When did that come out?”

      • aktlib101

        Or, as Creepy Jeff (Sessions) says: “I don’t recall”, Senator.

    • Paperless Tiger

      It must be chilling to leave the hot cover of Fox News and meet the truth cold.

    • Sally

      Hoekstra is a DeVos acolyte who thought he’d make a fine Governor..they couldn’t do enough gerrymandering to get him elected dogcatcher. So he crawled to Trump and was handed this plum position. Hopefully when Trump and Pence go, Dems will do what Trump did and immediately fire the ambassadors.

  • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

    Germaine to the discussion … maybe the picture will upload sometime next year …

  • Gosala

    If I’ve been whining too much lately, say the word and I’ll stifle in future, but today

    1. HR continues to fuck up my paycheck from September (my site manager has been super, but everyone else in that process had been an ass or a idiot or, usually, both)

    2. I continue to not have a person on staff who is strong and healthy enough to move the stuff that takes a strong, healthy person to move. So us (mostly me) not so strong, not so healthy persons are doing what we can, and it leaves me perpetually tired, cranky and basically unable to do the stuff at home that needs to be done.

    3. I just dropped $300 that I don’t have for emergency car repairs (though the repair guy was a sweetheart, staying late to get the job done because.. Friday, long weekend)

    4. The Rev. just bought herself what I was going to give her for not-Christmas. Now I get to scramble.

    5. Everything you read on Wonkette, especially as how the Rev is on disability and we are sure disability will be the first to go (after CHIP of course)

    Thanks for listening

    • Marion in Savannah

      There are times when whining (or just plain complaining about shit that needs to be complained about, which is what you’re doing) is NECESSARY. Just know that we’re all here for you, and sending hugs, and purrs from our kittehs and doggy kisses from the doggies. Hang in there.

      • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

        “Ventilating”

      • Gosala

        Wonkette is my safe place. Thanks

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Nothing wrong with that. Some days are like that. May I offer you some pretty?

      https://youtu.be/BsqM8UWNiNo

      • Sophia

        I think we were visiting the same sites tonight. It is my considered opinion that the world needs more Flash mobs. Not sure about the bagpipe one I came across though. To each his own I guess.

        • Sally

          I was in one that sang the “Hallelujah Chorus” a few years back. We totally jammed a Barnes and Noble store. So much fun!!

          • Sophia

            That would be fun.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I like bagpipes. Although a flash mob of bagpipes sounds intimidating.

      • Gosala

        Sorry, I seem to have an infestation of onion ninjas just now.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      If it helps at all, I think people who already have disability will be in a better position then people who don’t have it yet.
      I’ve resisted applying because I have a pension that meets my basic needs, but there’s really no job I can do for any length of time that doesn’t involve lying down and I’m too old for that. I’m thinking I may apply because who knows my pension could be reduced somehow, my savings are small, and I might need the money.
      I am so sorry that the end of this year has been a struggle. May next year be better.

      • Gosala

        Next year in Jerusalem?

      • Lefty Wright

        Don’t wait. You are doing yourself no favors by not applying. Social Security disability benefits are just a supplement for lost income. If you have even small savings, disability payments will stretch that out. If you wait until the savings are gone, you will be in serious trouble. And if you are turned down the first time, appeal. If turned down again, get a representative to assist you at a hearing.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Go for it. Disability payments from private sources, such as a private pension or insurance benefits, do not affect your Social Security disability benefits, so you could get both. It is not an easy application process, though – it took me 4 days to prepare mine, working on it 4-6 hours per day.

    • Sophia

      That’s what we are here for. We whine, we share, we listen, we support. Hope your New Year is better.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      They can’t eliminate SSDI, but they could reopen cases and then say some people are not really 100% disabled, so much depends on what the Rev.’s disability is.

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

    Uh-oh

    NYT: Federal prosecutors in Brooklyn have sought bank records from Deutsche Bank about entities associated with the family company of Jared Kushner https://t.co/fYxfRlQlXv— Natasha Bertrand (@NatashaBertrand) December 22, 2017

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Tick, tick, tick…

      • puredog

        drip, drip, drip

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Tick tick buffoon!

    • Sally

      Aw, they’re spoiling Jared’s Christmas/Hanukkah? Did Dumpo ever tweet one word of Hanukkah greetings last week? I mean, his Princess and her kids are Jews too, and Bibi, his BFF, would have appreciated some words from the new Israeli hero. Kellyann, did you forget to write that tweet? Wanna bet he doesn’t wish the country a peaceful Christmas either? But someone will plug his $45 Christmas caps.

  • Ωbjectifier
    • Sophia

      Muppets! I just know this has got to be good

    • gallbladder
      • Ωbjectifier

        If you play ‘In The Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins on December 31st at 11:56:40 the drum break will play right as the clock strikes midnight.

        • mailman27

          How come it took so long to figure this particular thing out?

      • 3FingerPete
        • gallbladder

          NOW we’re talking.

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    In case this gem hasn’t been posted yet, from the artist dearest to our hearts, it’s another masterpiece by Ben Garrison!!!!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/75a9f18e47998b31e4ff30664a3926a11e02d8948329cc2bf0fe0307fbea7855.jpg

    • CripesAmighty

      Its as crude, clumsy and banal as a Dotard sales pitch.

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        Should be 2.5 bitcoins after today’s bubble pop.

        • CripesAmighty

          Heh. Called that one, dint I?

    • Marion in Savannah

      And here I was just about to sit down to dinner. Well, I did decide to lose a pound or three come the New Year, so thanks (?) for getting me started.

    • tehbaddr

      I will not enbiggen that trash to read it!

      • Paperless Tiger

        It’s like a big turd. It hurts just to pass it.

    • Parakeetist

      That’s so busy, it’s nauseating.

    • dlemex

      If he got hit by a Mack “vote”, would the black hole between his ears rupture the space time continuum? Purely hypothetical question.

    • mailman27

      I don’t know much about art, but I know what I…. No. Yeah, no.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Like a 1960s Era Mad Magazine cartoon except drawn with zero talent.

    • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

      In the upper right corner, the hammer & sickle is actually coming out of Michael Moore’s mouth. Like, he’s saying the communist symbol? I can’t wrap my mind around it.

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      by Ben Garrison!!!!

      It’s more -bation, than -piece.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

    Sadly, the Trump train has run into difficulties along the high speed rail line and its arrival has been delayed. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e49ba8b0dcd2aefcd9d9355e3f40aeff5b75b3f520b39036d2399b4af2e7b0bb.jpg

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I have discovered a way to make unwelcome guests leave your house. Put on a DVD of the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo – they’ll be gone in 30 minutes. (I was actually the guest in this scenario, not the host.) Now I like bagpipes, in moderation, but that was the most boring thing I ever saw. Are there actually people who pay money to go see this live and sit through 3 or 4 hours of it? I think this would actually qualify as torture under the Geneva Conventions for some people.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      This is actually part of my dream vacation- but I think it’s probably like a baseball game- best seen live with lots of alcoholic beverages.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        All I can say is it was like a marching band at a football halftime, but with a lot of men playing bagpipes. Thirty minutes was tolerable, after which it became extremely repetitive and boring. But there ARE people who can watch hours and hours of marching bands and enjoy it, I’m just not one of those people. I suppose if all the band members were naked, it might be more interesting.

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      As an animal lover, I couldn’t stand to listen to one minute of what sounds like Siamese cats in heat being strangled!

  • Changeling

    I was wondering why Nigerians were so nice to Trump – maybe it’s because half of them are princes (seriously – at least in our part of Nigeria every town had a king) and they appreciate the easier marks.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Trump responded to every Nigerian Prince email with an offer to go in on a golf course or casino venture together.

    • janecita

      Are you the prince that keeps on asking me for money?

      • Changeling

        Unfortunately I was just a dirty furriner No, I just want to borrow some, I’ll pay back tenfold from my ₦1 000 000 000 inheritance!

        • puredog

          That’s like a buck 2.80 American?

          • Changeling

            Ummm…. but it’s got a lot of zeros!

  • natoslug

    Questionable canned salmon from this afternoon has not killed me, yay! Flu shot from yesterday is currently kicking my ass. Either that, or I just coincidentally got sick while at the doctor, which given all of the sickos there, is a possibility I suppose. Boo.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      It’s the flu shot. You’ll be better in 24 hrs. Carry on!

      • natoslug

        Is bourbon, red wine, or ginger beer and dark rum the best way to treat it? My brain’s feels like it’s lagging at least 30 seconds behind my body right now, so I might as well hobble it a little more.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          Ginger beer and dark rum sounds like a good bet.

          Don’t think of it as hobbling the brain. Think of it as culling the weak and sick brain cells for the good of the herd.

        • janecita

          Yes to all of those.

          • DrBigHead

            I like you.

    • This was the first time in years that I got sick from the flu shot. Funny thing was, they warned me about possible side effects from the shingles vaccine I got at the same time, and that was not a problem. The flu shot though… yeesh.

    • mailman27

      You sure that somebody didn’t substitute clams for the salmon in that can? You might be dealing with a MONSTER!!

    • DrBigHead

      The Boy never missed a day of school due to illness, from kindergarten to High School graduation. Has a world-class immune system, apparently. Got a flu shot last year for the first time. Was sick for nearly a week.

  • tehbaddr

    Rep. Mike Kelly is a Viagra raddled GOP walking true to life hard on!

  • jesterpunk

    Its not a fucking accident you fucking jackass.

    http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/latest-boy-killed-stray-shot-deputy-shooting-51955258

    A Texas sheriff is calling the death of a 6-year-old boy who was shot and killed by a stray bullet when sheriff’s deputies near San Antonio opened fire on a wanted felon a “tragic accident.”

    Bexar (bayr) County Sheriff Javier Salazar said Friday the four deputies involved in the shooting believed the felon was holding a gun when she was confronted outside the boy’s trailer a day earlier.

    Salazar says the felon, identified by her family as Amanda Lenee Jones, threatened to shoot the deputies.

    The object was later determined to be a dark pipe. Authorities say Jones did brandish a gun earlier Thursday during a chase and deputies continue searching for the weapon.

    Also if you cant tell the difference between a fucking pipe and a fucking gun maybe you are not qualified to have a fucking gun.

    • DrBigHead

      Or be a cop.

    • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

      Isn’t “the cops thought they had a gun” just the new “they lunged at the cops with a knife”? IE, completely made-up bullshit?

  • dlemex

    I am so proud of Mexico right now! 5!! Cinco!! Casí nada!

    • janecita

      “Pobre México tan lejos de Dios y tan cerca de los Estados Unidos.”
      Porfirio Díaz
      Mexicans know their neighbor quite well.

  • (((Sedagive)))

    I run my own business, and out of the hundreds of folks with whom I have exchanged holiday greetings only a few have offered “Merry Christmas.” Everyone else (Europeans, Scandinavians and Americans alike) have said “Happy Holidays.”

    I guess we’re all godless gay socialists who hate America.

    Tl;dr: fuck these assholes, with a rusty Christmas tree.

    • Changeling

      Is War on Christmas really a thing outside the US?

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Its not really a thing anywhere.

      • mailman27

        That’s where it all began, innit? Couldn’t have started here, this is God’s (PBUH) Country, fer Christ (hosannah!!)’s sake!

      • (((Sedagive)))

        I think outside the US they have reached a detente.

    • tehbaddr

      Happy Holiday you godless heathen! All the best in the new annum!

      • (((Sedagive)))

        RAmen

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    We get together on Christmas Eve with family and friends at my oldest brother’s house for posole and tamales. I tend to enjoy holidays because my family gets along well; no deadbeats, no Republicans. There was an exception last year; a friend of my brother’s- who’s come to his event for years- who chose the evening not only to reveal that he voted for Trump (his imbecile of a wife, who “couldn’t bring herself to vote for Hillary”, opted for Jill Stein), but to chortle about it. The temperature must’ve dropped 30 degrees and the room went silent as a tomb….save for me and my middle brother, who went all vato turf challenge on the dude….”you know where you’re at right now, fool?”. English translation: You best pack up your Christmas cookies and get the fuck out of here now or this isn’t going to go well for you. I can’t tell my brother who to invite to his own home, but I hope he has the sense to not include this motherfucker again this year.

    • msanthropesmr

      I <3 posole – Can I come?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I intervened this year…last year, in order to be “inclusive”, my niece’s knucklehead father-in-law made the posole. It was ghastly, flavorless…the hominy wasn’t even cooked soft. I’m like, it’s Tucson fucking Arizona, there is NO excuse for shitty posole. So yes, stop by.

        • msanthropesmr

          I won’t complain.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            The posole this year will knock your socks off.

          • janecita

            I want posole!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            You can come too. Bring Lobo.

          • janecita

            Yay!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Is he on parole from Dog Jail yet?

          • janecita

            Yes, but he hates me today. I gave him a bath.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            With good reason…

        • notaten

          Oooh, pet peeve of mine! If the hominy isn’t “popped”, it’s not done! How can you live here and not know how to cook the lifeblood of our people? Posole and menudo, man, don’t fuck that up.

          • janecita

            You guys are hilarious, “the lifeblood of our people,” lol!

          • notaten

            There is a restaurant in my town that has a sign out front that says ‘Crudo? Menudo!!!” Next time I go by there, I will take a picture.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Hush up and go eat your Moros y Christianos.

          • janecita

            The lifeblood of my people sounds totally racist.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            It’s a posole joke…you wouldn’t understand.

          • janecita

            I’m talking about the Moros y Cristianos. Moors and Christians sounds kind of racist.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Oh, it totally is. The first time I heard that term for rice and black beans, I was all WTF? But as a lover of history…

      • Jeffocaster in the East

        One IS less than 3…..but the posole connections…:shakes head:

    • Parakeetist

      Nom nom nom burp sorry

    • Shan

      I asked my cousin last night who’s coming to our family Christmas. His first response was “Who are you looking to avoid?”

      Um. No, I’m bringing food and need to know how many people?

      • DrBigHead

        That’s where we are now, aren’t we?

        • TootsStansbury

          I had fambly Christmas last week. Wingnut son in law gave wingnut companion in law a box of ammo. I lost my shit. Fuck them, i can no longer break bread with these asshole trolls.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            “I’m doing the roast, my daughter is doing a salad….who’s bringing the guns this year?”

      • Rick Hill

        You act as though that is an unreasonable question

        • Shan

          No, it’s not, I just did t expect it.

          • Rick Hill

            Well, obviously. Otherwise you would have answered with “I need to know how much to drink, beforehand.”

          • Shan

            No, we’re Irish. There’s definitely gonna be enough booze on site.

      • janecita

        Your cousin sounds like a very thoughtful man.

        • Shan

          He’s a sweetie.

      • shivaskeeper

        A legitimate question.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • WomanInThePersistence

      If he has come to his senses and regrets his idiotic vote, well then maybe you could be kindish. If he’s still a Trumpanzee, then I say boycott. If the asshole is there, being all assholish, then my vote is tell your brother how much you love him, but you don’t eat with nazis.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Yes. There must be serious penance. You know….he’s a nice guy, seemingly. Which goes to show you how misleading appearing “nice” can be.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Until the appeasers have actual evidence of how radioactively repulsive their votes were, they will think they did nothing wrong. Those dumbshits need to own it.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            “Nice” or “good people” is the description that gets tossed in with every endless article ever about the forgotten white Trump goober voters…while they tell racist jokes. No, sorry…they’re not nice or good just because they have “families” and make pies.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Don’t even get me started on the NYT and going grocery shopping with an actual goddam nazi.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            But hey, he makes waffles, so, just like me and you.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Yeah. Except we aren’t Nazis. Other than that, were just like him. Grrrrrrrr…..

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            We both need oxygen to breathe and are bipedal. Exactly the same!!

          • WomanInThePersistence

            And i need to take a break. Because I’ve spent the past year furious. I was so pleased to hear that my beloved conservative Republican uncle didn’t vote for Trump. Because I would have cut him out of my life. Seriously.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            You occasionally find glimmers of hope in the unlikeliest of places.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    how much dirt can one oriental rug hold?

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      If the rug is made in China, and is on Trump’s head, a shitload.

    • jesterpunk

      All of it?

      • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

        I feel like I’ve already removed about 3 times the weight of the actual rug out of it with this steam cleaner and yet there is still more.

        • jesterpunk

          Your rug is bigger on the inside and has a pocket dimension filled with dirt in it. You need to find the one with cash inside of it. :-)

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            I know, right? I would have no problem doing this steam clean over and over if it had money in its pocket dimension.

  • Rick Hill

    Would that be the same high speed rail the republicans are so dead set against funding?

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    So of course Donnie Dumbass will …

    Republicans Quietly Warn Trump: Don’t Fire Mueller
    “It wouldn’t be a good idea.”

    • jesterpunk

      They also warned him that if he supported Roy Moore it would be really bad for everyone and possibly cost them control of congress in 2018. So he decided to go all in on supporting Moore.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      There’s no point to firing Mueller since Republicans are ratfucking as much as they can for Trump to discredit Mueller and the investigation.

    • Gosala

      Well, that’s it for Mueller then. Donnie won’t let anyone tell him what to do.

      SO THERE and neener neener neener

      • Sophia

        Maybe we could get Obama to tell him to fire Mueller

    • Rick Hill

      I thought that trump would fire him today.Because, ratings.

    • Michael R

      He’s not like other presidents .

    • the way to get him to do it is to get schumer to tell him not to do it

      that worked for comey

  • Michael R

    I’ve never seen this whole thing , it’s horrifyingly Trumpy in parts
    ( Peter Sellers , Rod Serling of Twilight Zone fame )

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmXfJh0kkG8

  • tehbaddr

    The GOP rat fucking bastards, I hope they all choke on their X-mas dinner, or succumb to rare incurable diseases, that even their health coverage cannot fund to treat!

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Now, now, now … where’s your Christmas spirit? The votes need to choke them before they open their presents …

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    They know that.

    They don’t care.

    That’s why they just took a huge cash payout.

    This is the basic GOP plan: Destroy the country, cash out to the tune of millions, bitch about how shitty everything is while forcing your political enemies to fix it. Repeat.

    McConnell privately saying GOP could lose House and Senate in 2018: report

    • Paperless Tiger

      Cut and run.

      • mailman27

        What is Stevie “Guitar” Miller up to these days, anywaze?

    • Gosala

      It’s not quite hell that I believe in, but it is a long, long time the Turtle will suffer.

    • JohnBull

      Is that why Paul Ryan is retiring? Or does he have to stick around and destroy everyone else’s retirement first?

      • shivaskeeper

        If Ryan leaves it’s because he is a political weakling and absolute lightweight. He is too much of a political lightweight to control his party in the House. He is far too much of a weakling to face the backlash that this latest round of fuckery is going to bring.

        His best bet is going to be to run to Galt’s Gulch ahead of the armed loonies that he has had no small part in getting spun up. Once the pain hits them too, they are going to be screaming for literal blood. As one of the main architects of that pain, he will be high on the list.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Promises promises — as gloomy as Turtle might be, liberals would be fools to leave anything to chance.

  • memzilla Ω
  • Rick Hill
  • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

    Making a double batch of almond macaroons tomorrow. My daughter has requested them for Christmas dessert every year since she was a little girl.

    • Sophia

      Ah traditions, it’s what good holiday get togethers are about.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    So a lot of member have said Miss Graham is fingering his butthole furiously for Trump because he hopes to be the next SoS. Does that mean another possible Dem pickup in SC when he goes?

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      Crom willing.

    • jesterpunk

      Yep, It seems like some republicans are trying to get a job with Trump because they know they will lose in 2018 and want to still have a cushy government job.

      • shivaskeeper

        It will only extend their time a little bit. 2020 or hopefully sooner, Trump is gone. If he is removed by his impeachment or his own party, whoever is next in line and still standing can keep or dismiss any Cabinet member they feel like. There is no way to make a new President serve with the old Cabinet.

        As for 2020, his ass better be tossed out with extremely prejudicial votes.

        • jesterpunk

          Also they still haven’t learned that the only person Trump is loyal to is himself and he will throw anyone under the bus he can to save himself.

          • shivaskeeper

            The serious ones know it. There is no way someone like Lindsey Graham has not figured that out.

            Whether he really wants to be SoS or this is more political theater to keep everyone up to and including Tillerson spun up is still up in the air for me though.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Graham is running for POTUS in 2020 and wants this to pad his resume

      • gallbladder

        Was just looking up the definition of “backwards” in the dictionary.

    • Michael R
    • shivaskeeper

      Every single seat is in play when the time comes. 50 state or GTFO. Seriously. There is no need to dump all the money in Cascadia or NJ/NY. They are going Blue because they do. Put more money and time in where we are not strong to bolster those areas and get some qualified people in the races.

      No one should even run opposed for anything.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      i saw a random headline today saying some random person said the russians may have hacked his email and had kompromat on him.

      I prefer that version – more scandalous!

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • Angela Ruzzo

      Very true! I got out the catnip today. The cats were awake and on me like ducks on a June bug before I even had the lid of the jar off. I make my own catnip toys out of a pair of old work gloves – put about 1 tablespoon of catnip inside the glove, tie a strong rubber band tightly around the wrist, and toss it on the floor, and then get out the camera.

    • Catstro

      Elder cat growls when someone approaches the door. He’s such a weirdo.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Priorities, man.

  • 3FingerPete
    • gallbladder

      Yaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssss!

  • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

    Bumping sunshine? More like Huffing Trumpshine.

    Just how many pee hooker tapes does Vlad have on someone for them to go that pathetically pro-Turmp?

  • Pisto75666

    Have fun staying up late and eating pizza with Palau and the Marshall Islands, Nikki Haley. Real Coalition Of The Willing you got there.

    Hey, there’s an idea! That YOU’RE FIRED CEO from Papa John’s can spend his days making his shitty pizza for Drumpf’s slumber parties.

  • Festive Festivus! Enjoy the Airing of Grievances, especially how disappointed you are in the caricature squatting in the Oval Office. May victory be yours at the Feats of Strength!

  • Walter Wellstone

    Fine, Mike. I’ll play: Merry Christmas, motherfucker. Now go fuck yourself.

  • Raan
    • gallbladder

      Let’s eat!

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      Looks like you’re having a happy fry-day.

      • gallbladder

        How long are you here ’til?

        (orders veal and tips server)

  • Michael R
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Why is Jeff Goldblum contemplating Quantum Electrodynamics in the background there?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        it’s what he does in between Jurassic Park movies

    • Raan

      “Sure, He’s the savior, but He’s also squeezably soft.”

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        April fresh and it’s December- it’s a miracle!

    • TootsStansbury

      Fabric softener? The savior could use cocoa butter for those scars.

    • Doug Langley

      Why does this remind me that there’s a Spanish laundry detergent called Colon?

      • janecita

        Colón, named after Cristóbal Colón.

        • Doug Langley

          Killjoy.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • Rachel Book Harlot

      I wish.

  • JoeChristmas

    I just bought a Three Doors Down box set for Kwanzaa!

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Because their performance at Trump’s inauguration was amazing! I don’t know what else to say.

  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom
    • Sophia

      Ain’t it the truth. Sigh. There are none so blind as those who will not see

  • Gosala

    Dinners almost ready. I’ve vented for the evening and really have nothing left (thanks to the wonkers who sent their thoughts and prayers)

    After dinner, ima gonna watch new episodes of Trollhunter. So I’ll leave you with this magnificent but of music that is not at all uplifting

    https://youtu.be/AdIpoE2LEps

  • Picabo
    • Raan

      Gee it’s almost like he’s a liar.

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      They could always go work in the coal mines.

      • Raan

        Well, until that market dries up too.

        • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

          Well then……maybe retail? Or wall construction?

          • Amy!

            Bouncer at a trump rally?

            Attendee at a trump rally?

            Abdominal explorer in the search for the fabled trumpian microdick?

      • Doug Langley

        That’s right! Trump promised he’d bring those job back! I’m sure he wouldn’t get that one wrong as well.

      • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Next time they might want to read the fine print.

      • Doug Langley

        Or the people shouting at the top of their lungs.

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      Nope! Nuh, uh. Never saw that comin’

    • Master Contrail Program

      “He said things were going to be great again for us too!” – Video store clerks.

    • janecita

      Ha,ha.

    • In the olden days a “thanks, Obama” would suffice for the steel workers. Let’s not hold our breath to hear a collective “thanks, trump” for their current plight.

      • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

        They’ll still blame Obama.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      And in early June, Mr. Trump told a crowd in Cincinnati, “Wait till you see
      what I’m going to do for steel and your steel companies,” vowing that
      he would “stop the dumping” of products at superlow prices by other
      nations.

      “We’ll be seeing that very soon. The steel folks are going to be very happy,” he said.

      Did that happen? No, it didn’t, did it?

      Next time get the money before giving the blowjob.

      • Rick Hill

        Jeebus, if he wrote copy for Ronco products he would have been canned before he opened his mouth the second time

    • shivaskeeper

      Sure he did. Except for any of his projects. The Chinese steel was already bought, don’t you know. No choice but to use it now.

      The steelworkers, the miners, the folks at the Carrier plant, and all the others that are going to get the shaft are potential Dem voters if we can do this right.

    • gallbladder

      A vote well-wasted, eh comrades?

    • aktlib101

      Was Trump talking about protecting AMERICAN steelworkers or Chinese ones? It’s steel protection either way, isn’t it?

    • Tishalicious

      Shocked.jpg

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    I think Alien Brother may have forgotten about the cookies…again. and probably the laundry also too. definitely the Festivus party.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Call him up, and in an ominous tone invite him to the Airing of Grievances.

  • Ding dang dumb libels! Thar all y’all go AGAIN with all y’all’s fake news! There ain’t no fully erect nothin’ fer no Ol’ Pussy Grabber! He said MORE erect! Believe you me that more erect ain’t always fully erect. Hell fire, it might could just be barely erect and it would be more erect. Ding dang dumb libels! Can’t even get a straight forward quote right!

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      C+

      lack of creative and excessive punctuation.
      WHERE ARE THE RANDOM CAPS?

      • gallbladder

        And exclamation marks. Seriously, amateur hour.

      • But, I did use “all y’all” and “might could” and “hell fire”

        • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

          you’re mixing dialects.

          • You’re telling me my Appalachian grandmother didn’t use all of those phrases on a daily basis?

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            your Appalachian grandmother used “Ol’ Pussy Grabber”, did she?

          • Okay, maybe my god-fearing Southern Baptist Appalachian grandmother didn’t use hell fire ever. I may have picked hell fire up in Texas or from the TV or a book, even. Maybe I am just a mixed bag of dialects! Oh, crap! I’m a goner.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            you’re a passel of contradictions!

          • I’m just hopeless that way, and yet… and yet…

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB
  • janecita

    I’m watching “Kiki’s Delivery Service,” for the 20th time. God, I love Studio Ghibli!

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    so, I was gonna tell you all the friday before x-mas is a bad day to be at wal-mart – then I realized EVERY DAY is a bad day to be at walmart.

    Kidding, sort of. We needed groceries, there were no fucking carts in the little cart parking area. Had to go fucking hunting for one. Kid at the front told me it been that way for the 4 hours he’d been on shift.

    • Doug Langley

      They need to take a tip from Aldi. They lock carts in line and you have to insert a quarter to free one. To get the quarter back you have to re-dock it. They have ZERO problems with carts getting lost.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        not so much lost – they were all just in use!

        • Doug Langley

          Ah, gotcha. It’s just so surprising – who would expect Walmart to be crammed the weekend before Christmas?

          • jesterpunk

            Walmart is running commercials featuring the song “its raining men” to show men suck at shopping and all go to walmart for presents at the last minute.

          • Doug Langley

            Years ago I lived in Los Angeles. Some Christmases I had nothing to do and wondered if I should visit Disneyland. Then I saw TV commercials of “Christmas at Disney” and they showed the place SRO with crowds. I thought “Who needs that?!” Later I found out the place is practically deserted on Christmas, you can get on any ride fast, and the commercials were complete lies.

          • Tishalicious

            Thanksgiving, also too. Growing up, we always saw the Mouse on Thursday and stayed safe in the house for the rest of the weekend. Think I was 10 before I realized Turkey day was not actually Friday.

        • Doug Langley

          So do you get the week off from work?

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            i get monday and tuesday off – although technically I can take all hte damn time I want till the semester starts, but I wanna go back, get stuff done.

            They let me go early today cause whatever was being done didn’t need me, so (shrug)

          • Doug Langley

            Today was weird for me. Finally got to the place for financial assistance. After paperwork, forms, bills, and paystubs, they finally said “Congratulations, we can give you assistance on gas and electric”. Great, how much? I just pay a base amount and they cover the rest. But the base amount is TWICE WHAT I’M ALREADY PAYING!!!! Then they said they can help with rent assistance. Just phone back on Jan 22, do the pre-screening to get an appointment, and after that the landlord gets the check in only 4 or 6 weeks. You’re welcome!!

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            fuuuuuuuuck.

          • Doug Langley

            Tell me the truth. Is this a virtual reality simulation run by someone who really hates my guts?

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      Walmart is never a good place to find consumables.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        normally I’d hit the albertsons, but they don’t carry mom’s brand o’ milk. MOM LIKES HER BRAND OF MILK.

        Totally kidding, she’s not that demandig, but it’s her favorite brand, so I go to walmart.

  • Fifth-and-a-Half Element

    Hey Kelly… Here’s a Christmas wish from this Pittsburgher:

    Fuck you, ya jagoff. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c8856848d7b28d30e31ece1935b25bb7bcdf6f81d6ce7aa19f7e8f7aa66f6429.gif

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸
  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom
  • DrBigHead

    This is a recent discovery of mine, and an early Christmas gift to all of you. Group of Finns that do bluegrass covers of Guns n’ Roses, AC DC, and others. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvrogxMHmlg&index=5&list=RDe4Ao-iNPPUc

    • Sophia

      Not normally what I might listen to but I really enjoyed that. Thank you

    • The video was pretty darn great, and the electric organ solo was, especially, fitting. It was more country and western than bluegrass, though.

  • Raan
    • janecita

      I better be!

    • Changeling

      In bed?

      • Raan

        Sure.

        • Changeling

          At Moscow Ritz-Carlton?

    • gallbladder

      About fucking time.

  • MississippiLefty

    Too lazy to read all the comments to see if someone else has corrected you, Evan: the UK is NOT our oldest ally. We exist because we fought a war with them. France is our oldest ally.

    • Bitter Scribe

      You could make a case that since the French and Indian War predated the Revolution, and Britain fought on our side then (or it was the same side, since we were their colony), Britain is an older ally than France.

      It was England’s ham-handed attempts to get the colonists to pay more for the prosecution of the F&I War that caused the protests and disruptions leading up to the Revolution.

      • Raan

        Also, France has gone through a few regime changes since then.

      • janecita

        That doesn’t count because since we were a colony we were technically also British. Kind of like Puerto Rico and the United States.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          THIS

        • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

          And french, and spanish, and russian….

          • Amy!

            Also Indian (in the native american meaning).

        • Bitter Scribe

          Yeah, it’s open to interpretation, all right.

          But it may be instructive to note that the first few American presidents, starting with Washington, were leery of France and showed a marked tilt toward England. Washington, for one, knew very well that Louis XIV gave us support not because of some notion of liberté, fraternité, égalité, but because he wasnted to stick it to the British.

          • amrak63

            [pedant]Louis XVI.[/pedant]

          • Bitter Scribe

            Yes. And that’s not pedantic at all. Fixed. Thanks.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            who didn’t want to stick it to the British at the time.

    • jesterpunk

      But how would anyone know that? We dont have any statues of French people and the only way anyone knows anything about history is because of statues.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      we’ve fought France a couple times since then.

      • Bitter Scribe

        We have?

        • Raan

          I mean, maybe if Vichy France counts.

          • Bitter Scribe

            We didn’t even really fight Vichy France. When we landed in North Africa in 1943, some of the French forces put up some initial resistance, but it quickly collapsed.

          • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

            We dropped a shitload of bombs on France during WWII. Something like 70,000 civilians died.

          • Bitter Scribe

            That doesn’t constitute making war on France. (Although I don’t suppose that was much consolation to the dead civilians’ families.)

            French civilians also suffered horribly from Allied shelling etc. after Normandy was invaded, but from what I understand, they were remarkably understanding about it (mostly). In any case, I think the Germans should take some of the blame.

        • jesterpunk

          Remember the great war when Shrub was in office and the GOP renamed french fries to freedom fries?

          • Bitter Scribe

            Oh yeah. Closest to a war most of those fuckers ever got.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Well, if you want to stretch things there was the “Quasi-war” with France in the 1790s, and some unpleasantness about Maximilian in Mexico that never quite reached the shooting stage.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            tell that to the merchants whose boats were scuttled.

        • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

          the XYZ Affair resulted in the Quasi-War in the West Indies.

          though France was technically neutral during the Civil War, it was well known that Napoleon III favored the CSA because he was still pissed about being told he could not expand France’s territories into Latin America.

          and, of course, the aforementioned French and Indian Wars as well as Vichy France.

          • The French-Indian Wars were fought between the UK and France through their New World colonies. That’s why there is only one French-Canadian province in Canada, Quebec. But, what would the world be like if the French had won and the Brits were tossed out of North America?

          • Bitter Scribe

            Better food, probably.

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            we’d all be speaking Cajun.

          • I’d love to be speaking Cajun! Man, why didn’t I move to Eunice, La when I had the chance? Or La Grande Mamou?

          • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

            A jumbalya truck on every corner!

          • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

            True history fact: Napoleon III was the first monarch to offer free mustache rides.
            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2631231a5f5d9bf2a86ba0aee8443f8e0e2d4306c3a4d79290fcb7cebaa4e03c.jpg

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            but not the last!

          • Bitter Scribe

            Growing facial hair was pretty much the only thing he was ever good at.

    • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

      Some Brits were saying the U.K. Is our oldest ally. They can be forgiven for not knowing about the Revolution and War of 1812, because those are minor footnotes in their own history.

      • You know who hasn’t forgotten the War of 1812? Canadians. They talk about it ALL THE TIME! And you know what they say? They say they burned the White House and that we cheated by not surrendering when they took our capital! Man, those darn Canadians.

        • Bitter Scribe

          Well, they didn’t surrender when we burned York (now Toronto), so…

          One thing you don’t find in American history books is that we’re 0 and 2 lifetime against Canada, with the Revolution and the War of 1812.

          • You’ve omitted the Pig Episode of 1859, which King Wilhelm I of Prussia as arbiter decided in favor of the US. So, maybe, we’re 3 of 3?

            Also, too, not to be too pedantic or pointy-headed about it, York was just the provincial capital of Upper Canada not the entire political entity of the British Empire. Taking it — we did not occupy it — did not constitute taking the opponents capital.

        • Tishalicious
        • UncleTravelingMatt

          They’re mad that we took the Stanley Cup and won’t give it back.

  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

    Not sure if this has been posted yet…

    BREAKING: Appeals court rules that Trump’s third travel ban is illegal

    The United States Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit has ruled that Trump’s travel ban, the third he has proposed since becoming president, is illegal.

    The third travel ban, issued in September, imposed “indefinite and significant restrictions and limitations on entry of nationals” from seven countries — Chad, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Syria, Venezuela, and Yemen.

    Moar @ the link.

    • jesterpunk

      SO MUCH WINNING.

    • SayItWithWookies

      His administration must have seen the hoops they have to jump through by this time — and yet they still haven’t even done the basic groundwork. Pathetic. And fuckin’ hooray for the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals!

      The Government’s interpretation of 8 U.S.C. § 1182(f) not only upends
      the carefully crafted immigration scheme Congress has embodied in the
      INA, but it deviates from the text of the statute, legislative history,
      and prior executive practice as well. Further, the President did not
      satisfy the critical prerequisite Congress attached to his suspension
      authority: Before blocking entry, he must first make a legally
      sufficient finding that the entry of the specified individuals would be
      “detrimental to the interests of the United States.” The Proclamation
      once again conflicts with the INA’s prohibition on nationality-based
      discrimination in the issuance of immigrant visas.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Got a funny “me-ow!” moment for us, NYT?

    McConnell Wryly Calls Bannon a ‘Genius’

    Senator Mitch McConnell took a sarcastic shot on Friday at Stephen K. Bannon, telling reporters at an end-of-the-year news conference that Mr. Bannon’s “political genius” had cost the party a Senate seat in Alabama.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e862068e0ef8a57a3a5a77c452b2bac03c70cb7745565cd6ff3d5ec5aa64be0a.jpg

    • gallbladder

      Gonna cost him more next November.

    • RobKanC

      Even though I am more dog person. I feel this is a slander to the cats.

  • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

    Bum Steer Awards are out. neither Bettencourt nor American Red Cross made the list for unknown reasons.

    https://www.texasmonthly.com/articles/bum-steer-awards-2018/

  • Ninja0980

    https://twitter.com/JoshMeyerDC/status/944315475730804737
    So you put out a piece claiming Obama let drug deals slide for a nuclear deal (I would take the latter every time) that fails to mention the two main sources for it (something even right wing sites did when they previously talked about this) are working for people who want war with Iran at any cost and you don’t think there will be some blowback for it?
    Not to mention anyone who retweets James Woods and gives him praise should be disqualified as a hack.
    Get ready for the newest darling of the right folks and if his tweeter feed is any indication, he’ll be even worse then Sharyl Attkisson is.

    • RobKanC

      So we ain’t even gonna wait till second term to go to war in the Middle East. How rude

    • SayItWithWookies

      I figured there was something off about that story — the headline was so explosive and yet no other media followed up on it. After two days and not a damn thing from WaPo or NYT or any network, it pretty much had to be bullshit.

    • jesterpunk

      I didnt understand that story and it never actually offered any proof just that it was bad. Even if it was true not having a war in the middle east and keeping one of the few stable countries stable still seems like a better deal to me anyway.

    • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

      Hold on there, calm down there buddy: NOBODY is worse than Sharyl Attkisson! NOBODY

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    tweet this to twitler:

    The man with the (alleged) world’s largest penis is a Mexican.

    bwahwahahahahaha

    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/12/man-alleged-worlds-longest-received-new-classification/

    • Ninja0980

      There’s another guy (and he’s real) with a large dick whom Howard Stern made fun of all the time and having interacted with him on Yankee Forums, I can say it’s well deserved.

    • Changeling

      That also answers the question below about stocking stuffers (if you checked the photos, and don’t tell me you didn’t).

    • Johnatx

      Yeah, there’s several contenders. Jonah Falcon (US), supposedly has a 13.5 inch one. Roberto Cabrera (Mexico) supposedly has a 18.9 inch unit. Some photos of Cabrera online. Just hope he doesn’t trip on the thing

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    How is dear POTUS indulging his self-pity today, NYT?

    President Trump signed the most consequential tax legislation in three decades on Friday, even as he complained that he has not been given credit for his administration’s accomplishments during a turbulent first year…

    Earlier in the morning, the president suggested that he would not get credit for what he said were extraordinary accomplishments for a first year.

    Donald J. Trump

    @realDonaldTrump
    With all my Administration has done on Legislative Approvals (broke Harry Truman’s Record), Regulation Cutting, Judicial Appointments, Building Military, VA, TAX CUTS & REFORM, Record Economy/Stock Market and so much more, I am sure great credit will be given by mainstream news?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/53743e4e8afdeed2ce35bc8490065afcdef153f2955b6bec3bfd8daae3b77336.jpg

    • TJ Barke

      You’ll get full credit when the bubble bursts, Donnie.

    • 3FingerPete

      “I am sure great credit will be given by mainstream news?”

      I’m pretty sure those last 7 words were added by his aids.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      Lock him up!

  • Picabo
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • gallbladder

      He of the piss-poor hair transplant says what now?

    • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

      So, he can still tweet with that body cast.

  • tehbaddr

    He knows if you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…
    https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/roymoore2-250×297.jpg

    • RobKanC

      Hide your teens

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      He knows when you’ve had your first period…

      • tehbaddr

        He might not actually care about that!

    • amrak63

      To His Dishonor Judge Roy “Lolicon” Moore:

      https://i.imgur.com/ml91ykT.jpg

  • JBenningfield

    Can we just have pics of burrito baby?

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Just saw “The Last Jedi,” wherein a ragtag multiracial group of rebels—known as The Resistance—are led by women and blow the shit out of a group of evil shitbags. Five stars!!!

    • RobKanC

      Whoa. Spoiler alert.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Did all the male viewers’ penises fall off?

      I’ve heard they can do that when women and multiculturals are in movies together.

      • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

        Let m check . . . no, I’m still all there.

      • jesterpunk

        It also turns them gay because they cant mansplain.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Not all, but a few had trouble lighting their light sabers for a while.

    • tehbaddr

      Way to ruin it for those who haven’t seen it!

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
        • tehbaddr

          So there was no time traveling Spock in the movie. Huh?

      • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

        Yeah, sorry, this gives the whole thing away. I owe you twelve bucks.

        • tehbaddr

          /locks phasers on your simian forehead!

    • tehbaddr

      So no sequel/prequel then?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      A profound lack of self-awareness seems to be typical of her and her ilk.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        AS long as her hidden bank account has mucho rubles in it!

      • aktlib101

        Rather profound lack of honesty

    • gallbladder

      Fucking back off, Stein: the CBC?!? Fucking back off!!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Ever seen a Canadian when they get mad?!? Me either.

        • gallbladder

          You just did (proudly Canadian)

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Eh, ya hoser?

          • gallbladder

            Take off!

    • shivaskeeper

      Does she really believe that or is all abut the money for her?

      • jesterpunk

        Lets see what Puff Daddy has to say about this.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNTBb1u6UGg

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Even she doesn’t know anymore.

      • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

        With people like this, it stops mattering: She’s crazy enough to live off the grift, and the grift itself keeps her crazy. See e.g., LaRouche, Lyndon.

    • 3FingerPete

      What about the big Canadian bacon charade? HUH?

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        We call it “ham”.

        • 3FingerPete

          Don’t try to dazzle me with big words.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Maple Syrup causes Autism!”
      — Dr. Jill Stein

    • jesterpunk

      Can someone just put up a few wifi networks around her house please?

      • shivaskeeper

        She does not believe that shit either. That was strictly about fundraising off of an easy target audience.

        • jesterpunk

          So she is an idiot who will say anything to make money? That is actually worse especially since she is technically a medical doctor and was a medical instructor at Harvard.

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jill_Stein#Early_life

          • shivaskeeper

            From what I have seen of her, yes, she is in it for the money and the glory. Nothing more, nothing less. She wants the big prize, but will settle for grifting along the way and then some more when she looses.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      I think we’d still question why she would announce her candidacy on a foreign news network had she chosen BBC or CBC, but we wouldn’t have thought she was sharing information with Putin…except for that dinner.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie
      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        That is a couch molester if i’ve ever seen one!

        • Toledo Window Box

          He’s literally wearing the fabric that was on the couch.

      • Parakeetist

        Does he own a mirror?

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      BBC? They have Ruskie Dr. Who and Poldark?

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        “Call The Midwife” or “Sherlock”, maybe?

        • Changeling

          I’d watch.

        • OrG

          Last Of The Summer Wine

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      “Jill Stein is on TV saying” is a phrase I hope we can retire in 2018.

      • CripesAmighty

        It’s ok so long as it’s, “Coming up on Bumblefuck Public Access channel 1384…”

    • Rags

      She’s 22 minutes short of an hour…..

  • BMW
    • gallbladder

      Finally, something we can all agree on when it comes to tit face.

      • Toledo Window Box

        That thing the imagineers at Disney created, that’s supposed to be Trump – is there anything more hilarious?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • 52camellias

      With bells on.

    • gallbladder

      Hear hear.

  • 52camellias

    Wait, wasn’t Trump not supposed to sign the bill until January, so the Repubs could get all their ducks in a row? Did I miss the ducks? I hope there are no ducks, because I knew Drumpf’s brain does not contain the discipline to avoid an action which will allow him to do a brag.

    Also, I like Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is a nice state which deserves better than this creepizoid suck-up Congressman Kelly.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      There was something to the effect that PAYGO rules would require automatic cuts in things like Medicare, so Donald was supposed to wait until January so as not to fuck up the midterms. IDK if they found a workaround for that or if the cuts will go forward.

      • jesterpunk

        They added it to the CR bill they just passed but there is nothing on the news if Trump signed it.

      • Stinky_Hole

        Yeah, that’s it – if he waited until January, then the big reaming wouldn’t happen until after the mid-terms. Now the reaming will be the lead-up to the elections. But, nobody was lauding HIM him, so he jumped the gun and set it up last-minute before he left for Florida.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Look, we could do this right, or we could go home before all the Christmas cookies were gone. We went with the cookies.”
      — Paul Ryan, Legislative leader

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      they put the PAYGO waiver on the last page of the CR.

  • Toledo Window Box

    Mike Kelly (R, PA) is one that will get swept away in next year’s Bluenami.

  • Picabo
  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Phoenixdoglover

      Al hail Caesar!

      Et tu Mueller.

  • CindyinEncinitas
    • gallbladder

      CHEMTRAILS!!!!111!!!!

    • msanthropesmr

      Sky Penis?

    • jesterpunk
    • tehbaddr

      Looks like a celestial ghost of Nixon shooting laser beams out his forehead. Right? I can’t be the only one seeing that!

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      dangerous. you should not be taking photos while driving.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      I said don’t make me come down there!”

      – God, in a very pissed voice

    • TJ Barke

      A ghost?

    • Jonny On Maui

      Flying reindeer snot…

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Actually, if you were looking for a serious answer instead of a snarky one maybe this is it?

      https://twitter.com/Karoli/status/944382805810675712

      • tehbaddr

        Meh, you’re no fun!

    • OrG

      A blurry photograph?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      A UFO, by definition?

      • Changeling

        Assumes flying and object not in evidence!

    • Phried Ω

      Rocket exhaust if it was near Cocoa Beach or Santa Barbara judging by the palm trees.

      • CindyinEncinitas

        I was in Cardiff.

    • Cat Cafe

      A rocket launch from @SpaceX — here’s the full video https://twitter.com/alias_amanda/status/944385482749706240
      https://twitter.com/SpaceX

      • CindyinEncinitas

        Am I the only one who thinks it looks rather penile?

        • Cat Cafe

          That’s just our filthy minds

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Bless our hearts.

    • Cat Cafe
    • CindyinEncinitas

      Okay it’s Elon Musk launching something from Vandenberg.

  • Joshua Norton

    ♪♫♪♫-Hark the herald klansmen sing..
    Glory to the orange thing.♬♩♫♪

    • gallbladder

      What’s with the pure white candy canes?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    1. This is fugly AF.

    2. As someone on Twitter noted, it’s not surprising that Donald’s name is in bigger font than the United States of America is.

    3. Oh, for fuck;s sake:

    https://twitter.com/RedTRaccoon/status/944369192169562112

    • gallbladder

      I mean, fuck the poor so long as their cause is emblazoned on the tackiest coinage imaginable. They should be proud (and erect!)

    • jesterpunk

      That isnt how its supposed to work.Obama’s is shown in this article.

      http://argothebook.com/news/tony-mendez-receives-presidential-challenge-coin-from-barack-obama

      • shivaskeeper

        I have one of those.

        • jesterpunk

          From Obama? If so congratulations (I think?, not sure what the proper response is).

          • shivaskeeper

            I met him in what is basically a receiving line at a static display of some of our equipment on one of his overseas trips. You salute, he salutes, you shake hands, he tells you you are doing a great job, his aide-de-camp hands you coin as he moves on down the line.

            I have a coin form him, W., Clinton, various SECDEFs, SoS’s, SECARMY’s, and all sorts of other VIP’s. You basically get one for being there when a VIP who has a coin shows up.

            That’s why they are all in box somewhere.

          • jesterpunk

            Ahh, thanks.

          • shivaskeeper

            When VIP’s come to visit a forward base they bring boxes of the things for the troops.

    • tehbaddr

      He’s always been about building the Brand, and his name.

      • Raan

        Well, then he shouldn’t have run for fuckin’ president.

    • shivaskeeper

      Challenge/command coins. I have shoe boxes full of those things somewhere around here. The only bonus to this is they are usually handed out in person. So it;s not like a lot of troops will be getting them from him.

      This fucking guy.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        I believe they’re not supposed to be sold like some souvenir, but Dump is crass enough.

        • jesterpunk

          You can buy them but they are not exactly the same.

          https://www.whitehousegiftshop.com/President-Military-Coins-s/2192.htm

        • shivaskeeper

          I seen plenty of them at military pawn shops.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Okay, help me out- what are they for, and how are they used? Corvallis PD has their own version, I know.

          • shivaskeeper

            Senior folks like unit commanders, some sergeants majors, senior civilian leadership have coins they can give out for various reasons.

            They can be an attaboy for something that does not meet the critter for an actual award, which is the most common reason they are given. Or they can be for something like acknowledgement for giving a solid briefing to a VIP, or just in recognition of an official visit. Or for a variety of other reasons like reaching a specific milestone within a unit according to it’s traditions. The big thing is they are for moral purposes.

            There are all kinds of informal rules to challenges at the bars and whatnot.

            I have never really seen coins outside the military, unless they are used as something like a proof of membership to a group. In those cases they are not given away to outsiders, or shouldn’t be I would imagine.

      • The Wanderer

        I have about fourteen of these.

        • shivaskeeper

          Something close to 100 over the whole career.

    • Holiday Bozi

      Is his name on that twice or is it in some kind of holder?

      Lord, what a fuckwit.

      • jesterpunk

        His name is on there twice.

      • shivaskeeper

        Twice. Because fuckwit.

      • Changeling

        Three times: there’s also a signature below the coat of arms.

    • Cat Cafe
    • Phried Ω

      Described elsewhere as looking like a top-notch whore house token.

    • CripesAmighty

      “CALL BEFORE MIDNIGHT TONIGHT…”

    • Cat Cafe

      He’s totally beginning to remind me of the dictator in the original “The In-laws,” and the flag and currency he designed https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/871be90d62b560916173505a52ae03c1947dda26bb4e69194091d5d12c91be5f.jpg

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    What’s your favorite adaptation of “A Christmas Carol”? Mine is the 1984 version with George C. Scott. The scene where he revisits his childhood boarding school with the Ghost of Christmas Past; she remarks how lonely he is, he responds by telling her he had friends in his beloved books. The spirit remarks that it would’ve been better to have “real friends”, to which Scrooge scoffs, “what, Robinson Crusoe…Friday, the parrot, not real??”. As a childhood book-lover, this always gets the waterworks flowing.

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      the one that we talk about when it’s not a totally different holiday.

      END THE WAR ON NOT-CHRISTMASES!
      LORAX 2020 : MAKE SATURNALIA TEAM TACO AGAIN!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Sorry…haven’t seen that one.

        • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

          it has muppets.

        • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

          also too: A Kerristmas Karol featuring Slonky Moth.

    • Raan

      Either the Muppet one or the one with Patrick Stewart.

    • OrG

      Mr. Magoo

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I just flashed on that….remembering seeing it as a child. Haven’t thought of it in decades.

    • Stinky_Hole

      “Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends” where Blue confuses Jacob Marley with Bob Marley.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “One love, one heart….”

    • TJ Barke

      The muppets version.

    • Cat Cafe

      Well, George C. Scott in ANYTHING. Did you ever happen to see him as Rochester in Jane Eyre with the endlessly sweet Susannah York? DEVASTATING. “Reader, I married him,” and I WEEP. He is such an astonishing actor. I think it actually was a TV movie, but I’m sure you can find it.

    • Evidence-based Ugly Dude

      Blackadder’s Christmas Carol or GTFO

      • Somewhat Damaged Ron

        ‘Humbug! Humbug! Humbug, Mr Baldrick?’

    • Phried Ω

      Blackadder.

    • The Wanderer

      Alistair Sim.

      • 52camellias

        Yes! So campy! The 1930s version is more depressing.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Tom Swift? The Hardy Boys? Tycho Bass?

    • SisterArtemis

      Wishbone.

    • Spotts1701, Not Poisonous

      Patrick Stewart, Mr. Magoo, and of course Mickey’s Christmas Carol.

      “Spirit, whose lonely grave is this?”
      “Why, yours Ebenezer! The richest man in the cemetery!”

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        “No spirit! No spirit! You’re the spirit….! Faaaaaaake… newwwwwws….!”

    • Transgender Fetus McGoo

      In no particular order: Alastair Sim, Scrooged, Muppets, and Susan Lucci.

    • Pisto75666

      Muppets, Mickey’s Christmas Carol, Patrick Stewart, then lastly A Diva’s Christmas Carol (Vanessa Williams plays Ebony Scrooge)

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      In no particular order: The Disney version, the Muppets, George C. Scott, Patrick Stewart, the Xena: Warrior Princess episode “A Solstice Carol,” and the critically-acclaimed stage production at local Trinity Reparatory Theater in Rhode Island, that always offers surprises and unexpected audience interactions every year — and with every performance at that.

    • Thiazin Red

      I like Scrooged. Besides the humor, and genuine emotion it has one of the very few realistic depictions of an NYC apartment in any media. The secretary actually live in a neighborhood and apartment that a secretary with a family could afford.

    • mailman27

      As an old, with a father who was very NO TV, every year we listened to the record (vinyl!!) of the radio play starring Lionel Barrymore. We could almost recite it word for word. It was a hoot!!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Now THAT is kicking it old-school!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    God, I wish I were half as smart as Robert Mueller:

    https://twitter.com/TeaPainUSA/status/944284896650039297

    • BadKitty904

      These chirren are SO going to jail.

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      All year I have been conscientiously keeping myself from getting too hyped about any one of the bazillion threads that will eventually take these fuckers down, but it is so so close …

  • BadKitty904

    Holy Mother of God Sweet Blessed Virgin Most Pure, I am SO drunk and high…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2b9a711038898ca882f3fcade76017ecf461d66bb205bc5b996fbac0138ae3b1.gif

    • Parakeetist

      Call a cab to go home :)

      • BadKitty904

        I AM home. We walked (the advantage of living in a teeny town.) Otherwise, I’d have no computer access.

        • Parakeetist

          Ah then.

          • BadKitty904

            Lawd Jeebus…

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Haha, you do you Kittah! Hope you don’t feel too bad tomorrow.

          • BadKitty904

            Aw, no. I know my Granddad’s secret remedy – LOTS of water and two aspirin.

          • CripesAmighty

            And round and round she goes…

          • BadKitty904

            So true.

        • Phried Ω

          Sleep on the floor tonight. But be advised, no one can help you if your fall off that.

          • BadKitty904

            LOTS of water, after something to eat, and some aspirin, then medicinal kitties in bed is the ticket.

          • Parakeetist

            Take two kittehs and call me in the morning.

          • BadKitty904

            Deal.

        • 52camellias

          Wish I was there.

          • BadKitty904

            It was OODLES of fun. It turns out my bud Tommy’s bf knows The Mint, my bother’s and I’s FAVE bar in New Orleans. They have a gospel sing-along every Sunday morning, followed by a cookout in the courtyard….

      • BadKitty904

        ‘Sides, there are – very literally – two cabs in our town, both of which are pretty busy on weekends. Pedicabs are the usual deal…

    • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

      you should not be christmasing during Saturnalia. it’s a good way to have a curse put on you and lose all your wine.

      • JJ O’Shaughnessy

        It’s ok. Saturanalia finished today

        • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

          nope. last day of Saturnalia is the 23rd.

          • JJ O’Shaughnessy

            I’m in Europe. When I wrote that it was 2:30 am, on the 23rd, my time :)

          • Bell the Blind Tiger MCD

            but it would have still been Saturnalia for another 21 hours and 30 minutes! (it’s a full 7 days.)

    • gallbladder

      I feel tense.

      • BadKitty904

        I feel just the opposite.

    • redarmyzombie

      Well, I’m glad *somebody’s* having a good time!

      • BadKitty904