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And then he'll grow his beard back
And then he’ll grow his beard back

Politico has posted a think-piece on Paul Ryan that pontificates vastly on all the ways one can tell that Paul Ryan does not even want to be the Speaker of the House any more. Mostly the way you can tell is because he has said so to a lot of the people in his “kitchen cabinet,” and according to Politico, Paul Ryan will “retire,” which is probably code for “running away ’cause the IronStache is gonna ‘repeal and replace’ him.”

Man I love the IronStache, with his big man-gut, and ideas on minimum wage and healthcare, and those kind eyes, and … I’m sorry what were we talking about?

Oh right, Paul Ryan is supposedly saying “quietly” that he is quitting, most probably after the election in 2018. And you should know that now, so when it starts to look super bad in the polls for Paul Ryan, you will already understand that this was his plan all along. In fact, Paul Ryan never wanted to be the Speaker of the House ANYWAY. “He told his predecessor, John Boehner, that it would be his last job in politics — and that it wasn’t a long-term proposition.” (Which, we assume, made John Boehner cry.) But in the meantime, the Republicans NEEDED Paul Ryan and his keg-drunk theories on Ayn Rand to pass the goddamned tax bill that up till this very week has been the driving force behind the GOP’s support for everything from Trump’s insanity to a (credibly accused) Alabama pervert (WHO LOST AND SHOULD JUST GO AWAY ALREADY).

So now Paul Ryan has one more year before he supposedly retires. But before he does, he wants to make sure that anyone else who thinks they too might retire also knows that they will not be “entitled” to any of that stupid Social Security or Medicare they paid into the system for all those years. He also faces an onslaught of what Politico calls “cannot-fail bills” wherein Paul Ryan must:

fund the government, raise the debt ceiling, modify spending caps, address the continuation of health-care subsidies, shell out additional funds for disaster relief and deal with the millions of undocumented young immigrants whose protected status has been thrown into limbo.

That sounds like a lot. I mean, who gets into government to keep it open, “shell out” money to Puerto Rico, or save DACA kids from being deported? Especially when, as Paul Ryan has figured out, that will require working with Democrats, for Christ’s sake? Not Paul Ryan. But, Politico also points out repeatedly that Paul Ryan has “fund-raising prowess” (hence the tax bill) and “deal-making leverage” to worry about so he can’t be some kind of lame-duck Speaker and fight with the Freedom Caucus, who have started “making noise about a mutiny,” so when he was asked at a press conference this morning if he was quitting, “Ryan shot a quick ‘no’ over his shoulder as he walked out of the room.” Paul Ryan is so cool.

There is a pretty interesting rehash of how much Paul Ryan also hates Donald Trump, and how working with Trump has ruined what Ryan thought would be his new brand if Hillary Clinton (who Paul Ryan also “could not stomach the idea of working with”) had won. His whole plan was to be a “happy warrior” for conservatism, wherein he could nicely take away all the popular, life-saving social safety nets with a smile on his face instead of having to do it with the “negativity” of “Trumpism.” But, as John Boehner, presumably through tears, explained, since Trump did win (the electoral college):

Chasing his legislative dreams would require keeping his criticisms of Trump to himself. “You can’t create a sideshow, even if there’s cause for a sideshow, because it’s going to get in the way of getting the big things done,” Boehner told POLITICO Magazine of Ryan’s approach to Trump. “Paul has got his head on straight. He’s very comfortable with who he is and what he’s got to do.”

So Paul Ryan spent the year NOT reading Trump’s tweets about the NFL, nuclear war, or what all Kirsten Gillibrand is willing to do for money. And he fought through the pain of telling Trent Franks that since he offered to pay staffers $5 mil to let him put a baby in them, he should resign. (“Two friends say Ryan was visibly shaken after demanding that Arizona Rep. Trent Franks resign his seat, telling them, ‘I didn’t realize slitting throats was part of my job.'”) And he does all of this so he may keep his eye on the ultimate prize of destroying Social Security, and making it impossible for poor or old people to go to the doctor, and then he is OUT OF HERE, BITCHES. Because that is who Paul Ryan is, and he is comfortable with that.

[Politico]

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  • The Wanderer

    “Take the veil or sack the Vatican. I’m not among the ones who’d give a damn.”

    — Eleanor of Aquitaine (Katharine Hepburn), The Lion in Winter

  • Squeegee

    I have a friend the same age as Paul Ryan who grew up with Ryan in Janesville Wisconsin who told me (to no surprise) that Ryan was a total bully and was obsessed with making sure that everyone knew his family had more money than the rest of the families in their neighborhood.
    Obsessed with keeping his money then and with keeping it now I think this guy’s brain is hogwired to try screwing everyone else in middle America and this is the only reason he went into politics…not to serve his fellow Wisconsinites but to screw them over

    • kfunk937

      Ryan, the zombie-eyed grannie-starver, is the only frontline
      politician I actually hate.

      • JoeFarmer

        You and me both! He is genuinely evil.

        • kfunk937

          Yeah, I did not say that lightly. My “inner brother” always makes me weigh use of the word “hate”. Fortunately, in everyday conversation, I’ve learnt to substitute other words for things about which I have strong negative feelings such that recent conversations wlith my real brother are less likely to bog down. :-)

        • kfunk937

          Hiya, kiddo. Hasta be be kinda hard hangin’ out out in Iowa.

          Massive hugs.

        • shay simmons

          He mocks the people who proposes that the government shall protect the rich that they in turn may care for the laboring poor. ~ Grover Cleveland.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Hold on now…have you considered the hatability of Jeff Sessions (R-Racism)? Jeff Sessions makes my blood boil.

        • kfunk937

          Heh. That’s not to say I can’t use adjacent words in a thesaurus to describe others and their ideas, but Ryan is the one over the last decade or so whose ideas inspire fantasies that make me question whether or not I’m really a good or nice person. Mostly ’cause he’s dangererously effective at clothing the worst ideas of the hard right git of Ayn Rand and bible thumpers as “reasonable” because almost half the country think he’s something more than a pseudowonk.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Nice summation! I bow to your dislike and will add him to my list of punchables.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    The door + his ass = hit it.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      I ain’t hitting it.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Me neither. I’m too old for hate fucks.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        I wouldn’t hit it with your door.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    His organ’s working perfectly, but there’s a part that’s not screwed on

  • Nockular cavity

    ‘I didn’t realize slitting throats was part of my job.’

    ‘Tossing Nana down the stairs, now that’s the part I was looking forward to!’

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Was Ayn Rand a real person, or was she one of those comically named misers out of Dickens?

    • therblig

      Miss Givinghead-Fountain

      • BreakingDeadMen

        I think that’s more Ian Flemming.

    • armed_bears

      Yes.

    • Crystalclear12

      Just some old Medicare recipient.

    • Changeling

      She comically named herself. Rand is a waspification (I assume) of Rozenbaum and Ayn is a version of a Finnish name she’d heard (Aino) – you know, to sound American.
      The more you know…

  • therblig

    “I didn’t realize slitting throats was part of my job. Backstabbing, now that’s right up my alley.”

    • wide_stance_hubby

      He thought all he had to do was authorize spending to pay the people who slit throats.

  • BadKitty904
  • Mr. Blobfish

    He thought he’d spend the next four (4) years complaining about mean, old Killary vetoing all their wonderful legislation.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Now he can slip off to a nice, comfy lobbying job earlier than planned!

      • Jmom

        Goldman Sachs for this “policy wonk”

  • Crystalclear12

    Traitorous bastard belongs in the same bin of history that Trump will be thrown in.

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    won’t anyone think of the Paul Ryan? :(

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Parakeetist

    Paul Ryan eats people.

  • Major^3 Andre

    Paul Ryan is comfortable in his own skin, or at least someone’s skin.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Would he fuck us? He’d fuck us.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Sure are a lot of folks getting out of the business lately. What’s up with that?

    • redarmyzombie

      Sinking rats and wot wot?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Roger Stone is getting off, you know it’s bad.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
    • ((( Augustus )))

      Treason

    • GreyWolfSC

      They all took Russian money, not just Trump.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        And they took it many times, apparently!

    • GreyWolfSC

      They all took Russian money, not just Trump.

    • GreyWolfSC

      They all took Russian money, not just Trump.

    • GreyWolfSC

      They all took Russian money, not just Trump.

    • GreyWolfSC

      They all took Russian money, not just Trump.

  • jesterpunk

    Maybe Paul is afraid Cindy might be mad when her taxes go up to pay for the tax cuts for the super rich?

    https://twitter.com/SpeakerRyan/status/931600555927105536

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Cindy will put $700 a year towards her retirement.

      Cindy will retire on those savings and die in the street penniless 2 months later.

      • redarmyzombie

        I think you’re being overly optimistic.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Forget it, redarmy. It’s GOP math.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Lori, on the other hand, will sell us Range Rovers and die from aspirating cash into her windpipe while swimming in it.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Cool!

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      And through dynamic scoring she’ll have saved over $3 billion in just six months!

      • WotsAllThisThen

        What she really needs is a pay cut so she can grow her economy.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      At least he admits that $30k is paycheck to paycheck.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Cindy will have to fork over three times that much every month just to cover her new Obamacare bill

      • jesterpunk

        Cindy will just choose to not have insurance and be a good person like Mo Brooks and never get sick ever.

        • therblig

          why should the rest of us pay if cindy doesn’t take care of herself?

          • jesterpunk

            You are going to pay either way, either when she goes to the ER and cant afford it so everyone else gets charged more. Or when she is sick at work and coughs on your food when she is serving you and you get sick from that.

      • Travalanche

        Haha silly peasants, you won’t have healthcare anymore!

        The carts will come around every morning, don’t you worry

      • Travalanche

        Haha silly peasants, you won’t have healthcare anymore!

        The carts will come around every morning, don’t you worry

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      $700 buys a lot of voteforks.

    • Nockular cavity

      Pfft. $700 means maybe she can finally get her transmission fixed.

    • therblig
    • Kryptonian Canis

      Cindy’s future, of course is mostly going to be consumed by going bankrupt over unpaid medical bills.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Cindy’s future, of course is mostly going to be consumed by going bankrupt over unpaid medical bills.

      • jesterpunk

        They will take care of that and make it so only rich people can file bankruptcy.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Luckily with the new tip stealing provision…Her pay will be going down so she will pay even less in taxes and can save dimes more towards her dream malt liquor.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Luckily with the new tip stealing provision…Her pay will be going down so she will pay even less in taxes and can save dimes more towards her dream malt liquor.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Luckily with the new tip stealing provision…Her pay will be going down so she will pay even less in taxes and can save dimes more towards her dream malt liquor.

  • calliecallie

    My fantasy is that before Paul Ryan “retires,” Robert Mueller gets the goods on him for being complicit in a scheme where the RNC was laundering money for Russia. They he can retire to a nice cell block with the rest of his treasonous friends.

    • Crystalclear12

      Ohhh, I love your stories!
      Tell me the one where Nancy Pelosi becomes president and all the Republican heads explode!!
      I love that one.

      • calliecallie

        And then the murders began.

      • Meccalopolis

        No, they appoint Hillary speaker of the hous3

        • Ha ha, I just realised that they COULD do that :D

          HERE’S HOW HILLARY CAN STILL WIN!

    • Bebecca

      Hopefully, a republican wing.

  • The Rick

    He is a hack and can’t cut it. Paul has all branches of government and still can’t accomplish more than jacking up the deficit 1.5T (or who knows anymore) on pipe dreams that millionaires will give their extra money to the middle class.

    • Paperless Tiger

      1.5 T is the snowball before it rolls down the hill.

    • Crystalclear12

      I’m OK with that.

  • Indiepalin

    Paul Ryan once ran en entire marathon in under three minutes.

  • Tetman Callis

    Trump and Pence get indicted, Ryan could end up retiring from the presidency.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Ryan is implicated. The chance that that sweet Russian lucre didn’t get laundered through the RNC is close to nil.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Ryan is implicated. The chance that that sweet Russian lucre didn’t get laundered through the RNC is close to nil.

  • DerrickWildcat
  • jesterpunk

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/14/business/dealbook/disney-fox-takeover.html

    The White House weighs in on the Fox deal.

    As the Trump administration moves to block one media deal, it appears more supportive of today’s big transaction.

    From Shannon Pettypiece of Bloomberg:

    President Donald Trump called Rupert Murdoch on Thursday and congratulated him ahead of a deal for Walt Disney Co. to buy some of the entertainment assets of 21st Century Fox Inc., White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said.

    “I know that the president spoke with Rupert Murdoch earlier today, congratulated him on the deal,” Sanders said.

    So he is fine with Fox making money and congratulated Murdoch for it but he isnt ok with AT&T and Time Warner merging because of CNN? That should be a fun thing to add to the court case.

  • He’s not retiring. He’s cashing in all of the corporate chips and probably moving somewhere angry mobs of seniors can’t get to him.

    • redarmyzombie

      King Louis XVI tried that too. I’ll bet you Pauli boy will be just as successful.

    • Bebecca

      Oh you mean K Street.

    • JoeChristmas

      A coupon free zone.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Here’s one senior who, if he makes it past Ryan’s retirement, will search out the bastard and if he’s 6′ under when I find him will enjoy downing a six-pack and pissing on his grave.

  • BearLeft

    Self-satisfied motherfucker feels free to preach about how “prayer works,” to avoid doing anything about gun violence, while fucking over working people in order to line the pockets of the wealthy. If “prayer works” so well, why’nt you pray for the rich and leave the fucking tax code alone! Put your money where you mouth is, asshole. We can’t be rid of him too soon.

  • Victoria Ricola

    Ah, the good old GOP “quit before you get fired” move. Always a party favorite.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      It’s a classic

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Kryptonian Canis

    You know who else fucked up everything for his country, then blithely strolled out the door leaving other people to clean up his ungodly mess (and is a total wanker)?
    https://www.salon.com/2016/08/28/the-architect-of-brexit-has-joined-trump-on-the-campaign-trail-do-not-pay-him-any-attention-america/

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I’m a little unclear about why the author thinks that the audience for an article about Nigel Farage wouldn’t have heard of Nigel Farage. Trump’s been wearing him like a lapel pin since halfway through the election.

    • redarmyzombie

      Pol Pot?

    • JoeChristmas

      Rudolph Hess?

  • Scooby

    I’m retiring to spend more time with my pecs, lats and delts.

  • Bill D. Burger

    But before Lyin Ryan goes: He’ll saddle us with incredible debt, decimate the middle-class, unwell and poor ____and set the country on the route to a new underclass. Then he’ll sit back and enjoy his family business and say, “Life is good. And to think I got all this from a life of grifting off the government. Rising from my humble beginnings of driving a Wienermobile.”

    Fuck…he’s a horrible man.

    • redarmyzombie

      I for one look forward to becoming a Morlock.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        By the looks of me, I’m practically there.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        By the looks of me, I’m practically there.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Just don’t send unsolicited pictures of your Weena

    • counterlife

      Miserable fake will not even need to participate in the family business. The woman he chose to marry is worth $5million. Of course, that is probably not enough for his greedy ass. I see a lucrative lobbying career. Cheap, stupid, cowardly frat boy.

  • schmannity

    Excuse me, Speaker Ryan. Aren’t you one of the leaders of the party that rescinded its repudiation of Roy Moore and poured party money into Alabama in the last two weeks of the campaign? Good luck with your 2018 response to the GOP’s War on Women and Female Minors.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    He’s a coward.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    The part where Paul Ryan is devastated by a powerful and unscrupulous white man like himself being held accountable for his actions is truly heartbreaking.

  • The Wanderer

    Is it wrong of me to want to take the collected works of Ayn Rand, chop it up small, mix it with sawdust, metal shavings and paraffin, shape it into a dildo, and ram it up Ryan’s ass with a lubricated horsecock of votes?

    • Bill D. Burger

      ‘Atlas Shat’

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Only if you bogart the photos.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Wonket shrugged.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        And bid the day goodbye

    • Changeling

      Why bother chopping?
      Although, is IS Ayn Rand.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Forget the lube and I’ll help you.

  • ManchuCandidate

    This ends today’s episode of Ryan’s Hopeless

  • BMW

    It’ll be easier to retire than be the minority leader after the mid-terms.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Fakakta, Ironstache is my imaginary boyfriend. Paws off! JK, there’s plenty of that hunks hunka burnin’ Dem for all of us. Although, I really would love to see him kick that scrawny bizach Ryan to the curb, I’d be fine with Weasel-Boy retiring in fear instead.

    • OutOfOrbit

      You look good with your dander up

    • OutOfOrbit

      You look good with your dander up

  • schmannity
    • OrG

      Eddie Munster libelz!!

  • Ryan’s long been on my list of “people I’d like to get on an elevator with”.

  • onedollarjuana

    What a dick.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      I like it better each time.

  • Ryan’s long been on my list of “people I’d like to get on an elevator with”.

  • onedollarjuana

    What a dick.

  • onedollarjuana

    What a dick.

  • Ryan’s long been on my list of “people I’d like to get on an elevator with”.

  • Ryan’s long been on my list of “people I’d like to get on an elevator with”.

  • onedollarjuana

    What a dick.

  • onedollarjuana

    What a dick.

  • shivaskeeper

    He didn’t realize slitting throats was part of the job? Really? He’s been fucking salivating at the thought of slitting random strangers throats for years. Since his Social Security funded college days if reports are true.

    He just didn’t think he would have to pressure an ally and colleague out the door. He figured IOKIYAR was law. I would guess he was far more shocked a GOPer was held accountable more than anything else. I would guess he sees the Writting on the wall changing and is going to try to get out from under before he is held accountable.

  • onedollarjuana

    What a dick.

  • shivaskeeper

    He didn’t realize slitting throats was part of the job? Really? He’s been fucking salivating at the thought of slitting random strangers throats for years. Since his Social Security funded college days if reports are true.

    He just didn’t think he would have to pressure an ally and colleague out the door. He figured IOKIYAR was law. I would guess he was far more shocked a GOPer was held accountable more than anything else. I would guess he sees the Writting on the wall changing and is going to try to get out from under before he is held accountable.

  • Proud Liberal

    Yeah, he’s going to retire once and for all in 2018 when Randy Bryce beats his ass.

  • jesterpunk

    Disqus is borked again.

  • DainBramage

    I’m sure some wingnut think tank will give him a nice cushy job. That’s the wingnut way.

  • DainBramage

    I’m sure some wingnut think tank will give him a nice cushy job. That’s the wingnut way.

  • onedollarjuana

    What a dick.

  • ariel_gee_398

    He’s going to retire after the election? I guess he wants one last cycle to funnel dark money into his PAC that will be disappeared off into his personal coffers.

  • Iron Monkey

    Paul has got his head on straight

    No he doesn’t.

  • Iron Monkey

    Paul has got his head on straight

    No he doesn’t.

  • Iron Monkey

    Paul has got his head on straight

    No he doesn’t.

  • OrG

    He knows goddamn well his fucking job is slitting throats.

    • OrG

      Is there an echo in here?

      • TJ Barke

        Don’t try to repost if disqus tells you it’s in maintenance mode, it posts but tells you you can’t.

  • OrG

    He knows goddamn well his fucking job is slitting throats.

  • OrG

    He knows goddamn well his fucking job is slitting throats.

  • OrG

    He knows goddamn well his fucking job is slitting throats.

    • HazooToo

      Maintenance mode! Thanks, Disqus.

  • Beowoof14

    Once Social Security is gone, the safety net that saved his college education will be gone and his fucking of America will be complete. All Hail Ayn Rand.

    • Ellie

      Funny part is, if Ryan got his way when Rand was still alive, she wouldn’t have been able to claim SS and medical coverage…which she did.

    • John Thorstensen

      Escape, and then pull the ladder up behind you.

      Bastard.

  • Bebecca

    Hasn’t he said it has been a dream since childhood to gut social security and/or Medicaid?

    • Ellie

      At least since he was a frat boy.

  • OrG

    He knows goddamn well his fucking job is slitting throats.

  • Iron Monkey

    Paul has got his head on straight

    No he doesn’t.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      When replicants are assembled their heads may be put on in incorrect ways. For them it makes no difference. Replicant Ryan is retiring to go back to the factory for remanufacturing.

  • shivaskeeper

    He didn’t realize slitting throats was part of the job? Really? He’s been fucking salivating at the thought of slitting random strangers throats for years. Since his Social Security funded college days if reports are true.

    He just didn’t think he would have to pressure an ally and colleague out the door. He figured IOKIYAR was law. I would guess he was far more shocked a GOPer was held accountable more than anything else. I would guess he sees the Writting on the wall changing and is going to try to get out from under before he is held accountable.

    • OrG

      Yeah, well I will hold him accountable.

  • georgiaburning

    “Retirement”? Are we talking born-human or replicant here?

  • Proud Liberal

    He definitely will be retiring when Randy Bryce beats his ass next November.

  • Lazyjay

    looks like my Repug rep is trying to grow a spine:
    http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/14/politics/marco-rubio-tax-vote/index.html

    • yyyaz

      He’ll have discarded it before the day is over.

  • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

    Is anyone else getting the “Disqus is in Maintenance” message on the last blogpost from Killer Martinies?

    • onedollarjuana

      I didn’t mean to post that Ryan is a dick so many times, but in retrospect …

      • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

        One can never post too many times that lyin’ ryan is a dick…

        lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…lyin’ ryan is a dick…, etc, etc.

        See?

        • Sakonyachen

          Needs Moar “Lyin’ Ryan is a dick!”

      • William
  • JoeChristmas

    But first, coupons for the oldz!!1!

    • yyyaz

      I hope they are soft enough to wipe my ass with.

  • OrG

    Piece of shit.

    • Johnatx

      Shit libelzz!!!

  • TJ Barke

    He’s gonna cut and run after he cuts America’s throat.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    So, it’s back to the Wienermobile?

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

    I’m in lyin’ ryan’s district and there’s nothin’ I’d like more than to see him gone so I will be donating to Randy Bryce’s campaign.

    • Donate time too and help with events and door knocking, if you can!

      • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

        I also added my name to volunteer. I’m waiting to be contacted.

    • suziq

      I am not in lyin’ ryan’s district but I am going to donate to Randy Br.yce too. Would LOVE to see the ZEGS gone for good. Though of course he will be making big bucks as a lobbyist.

  • Jack Tenhet

    No, you don’t get to let the bull destroy the China shop and ride off into the sunset, ZEG Ryan. There should be no “happily ever after” for you.

    Good thing I believe in karma or I’d be really pissed right now.

  • Johnatx

    Who is the most despicable Republican politician: Trump, McConnell, or Ryan? Discuss. Support your answer with examples. Extra credit: What would you like to do to your choice? (with votes, of course)

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      AOT,K

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        The only possible answer.

    • counterlife

      Choices, choices. They all are disgusting and despicable. But I think Ryan may be the worst (I hate Paul Ryan) because he tries to pretend to himself and others that he isn’t the stupid and malignant motherfucker he is. Trump and McConnell are just out and proud with their motherfuckery. They are all terrible human beings.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Paul Ryan has skinny legs.

    • William
      • Sakonyachen

        Strange takeaway from that article for me.

        Republicans had a great plan to storm the election until they were in debt, then gerrymander the fuck out of America so they could take control. For some reason it never occurred to anyone at the RNC to procure candidates that are smarter than a hammer. Makes the endgame a little rough for them.

    • Sakonyachen

      Skipping leg day is common among those who work out so they can tell you they work out.

      • HarpyLibtart

        It is both infuriating and amusing that Paul Ryan believes that he even lifts – if those dumbbells in his fave gym pic weigh more than 15 pounds, I will eat his stupid hat. :P

        • Sakonyachen

          15 pounds can pack on some veiny, thick muscle if you go slow and do moderate reps. He obviously doesn’t.

          That pic looks like it’s from a portrait studio. If you’re talking about this. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1cb65887a4fc8d96226732fd627c5be57740f05f1df4d41b59fd9365421fbeb9.jpg

          He looks like he’s going to shit himself. It’s 25 lbs. He’s literally eating his own face. Supposing the weights are even real of course. He’s probably a failed Curl-bro at best.

          • HarpyLibtart

            I was thinking about the one with the chunkier dumbbells, but this is equally pathetic…I love that all the heavier ones are on the floor. :P
            He is definitely a curl-bro – his calves and thighs are the same size, lol,

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Bitter Scribe

    What IS it with these motherfuckers and Social Security? Every other civilized nation on Earth pays its elderly citizens a pension. Why are they so obsessed with making sure that no one gets one single dollar from the government, no matter how badly they need it?

    • Bobathonic

      E pluribus I got mine, bitches

      • Sakonyachen

        He got ours.

    • William

      It’s not government money. It’s OUR money. We put it in a fund and we get it back…er unless a republican needs it to invade a country that had nothing to do with 911 and has no WMD’s . Good talk, and you’re welcome. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e0cd68198353bf0c9538f28ea1fb238b368ddbf58234e56248317a2de16c7c41.jpg

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      Selfishness of the KKKhristian right is a feature, not a bug.

    • TJ Barke

      Lots of shitty socio political baggage and decades of well funded right wing propaganda.

    • Ellie

      Because we are takers, and not worthy of life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness. We don’t have enough money to live on AND stuff in their pockets and Cayman Island bank accounts.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Social Security isn’t an entitlement, motherfuckers, it’s MY SAVING ACCOUNT. They’ll be blood in the streets if they start fucking around with that.

      • Meccalopolis

        You’re entitled to it because you paid into it. Fucking kills me the made entitlement a bad word. The only thing they don’t like about SS and Medicare is that they can’t touch it. It’s like public education, all that free public money just sitting there going to waste. Soon as they get their grubby little mitts on it you’ll never hear another word about failing schools or entitlements.

        Edited for profanity, ducking phone

      • BrendaKay

        With all these Boomers hitting retirement age, AND knowing how often old people VOTE… I cannot believe they think they can get away with it. I completely agree – the pitchforks (made of votes!) will be coming for anyone who votes to take away Social Security

    • TootsStansbury

      Not only that, I PAID INTO IT ALL THESE YEARS! You want to break the social contract? DO IT MOTHERFUCKERS, I DARE YOU. It breaks all ways, not just the shit you want to break. Fuck!

  • Andrew Rheinheimer

    Hoofa Doofa, IronStache is really leaning in on the poor little Paul “Ayn Rand-y” Ryan babu:

    https://twitter.com/IronStache/status/941393639367835648

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Like he’s ever going to touch a tool. A “tool” maybe.

  • Ducksworthy

    The old wham bam thank you mam I’m outa here scam. Thanks Ryan.

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    “His whole plan was to be a “happy warrior” for conservatism, wherein he could nicely take away all the popular, life-saving social safety nets with a smile on his face…”

    see, that’s the thing…he could have done all this and remained the conservative ‘hero’ but Only IF hillary was elected prez…he could be the social security-killing asshole knowing that hillz would have vetoed ALL of that stupid bullshit, and he would never have to pay a price, but in fact be the conservative loudmouth ‘ikon’ and probable 2020 candidate v. hillary…so, see?…they actually CAN blame hillary for paul ryan never becoming prez

    fuck this guy….fuck this reagan-baby gomer pyle fuck and all his reagan-baby cronies that have killed this country, fuck them now and forever, with votes and every other way

  • John Thorstensen

    Pfft. I’m sure top lobbyists make much more money than Congresscritters anyway.

  • rocktonsam

    I’m from around Ryan’s hometown. He’s alwAys bragging how nice everyone in Janesville is to him and his family when they are out and about.
    Spoiler, they don’t like You!
    His district is gerrymandered all the to Waukesha because he never wins his hometown.
    Just go to to wall st. With cantor and stfu.

  • Lefty Wright

    Cuts in Medicare and Social Security depend on getting the tax give away to the rich passed. Then all they need to do is wait for the national debt to explode and the budget (not counting defense and border guards) to implode. In the mean time, it is critical that the GOP pretend there was never a child health insurance program with the acronym CHIP.

    • its not going to explode til after the 18 election.

      after the election, all bets are off.

  • Fartknocker

    I’ll be sure to send him a tin-plated can filled with some of the most tainted salted rat dicks immersed in the finest West Texas olive oil as his retirement present. That condescending, smug smile makes me want to go bunch some Nazis.

    • Boojum

      Like, bunch their underwear? ‘Cause that really sets them off.

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Waste of olive oil. Try (canned) clam juice.

  • That scruffy beard just looks stupid on him. BTW, I’m enlisting the Pope to have him excommunicated. Figure my lapsed Catholicism must be good for something.

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Frank don’t hold with that Ayn Rand bullshit.

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    if ryan and his reagan-brainwashed-baby cronies get their way, i am so fucked…i’m 61 yrs old, working a job for the last 10 yrs that i AbsolutelyFuckingHate so that i could have insurance benefits after being a lifelong money-makin musician (the side benefits of being a gtr plyr are not the type that add to one’s longevity, trust me)…the earliest i can retire is a year and 1/2 from now, but i wont qualify for medicare for another 4-5 years…and medicare will be so fucked by then that it wont be worth having…

    so i’m stuck in a job that’s ruining my health worse than musicianing ever did because of the stress of the job itself (it aint playin gtr, believe me) and the stress of HatingItSoMuch—i’ve been sick more in the last 4yrs than i was in the previous 40 combined, and their are MILLIONS OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE ME, stuck between hell and hell-er

    fuck these mothafuckas, are we ready to take our broke-down beat-up asses out to the streets and take a Flamethrower to this place yet?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      To be fair, he’s trying to get you on that Stairway to Heaven a little ahead of schedule.

      /yeah, he blows goats.

      • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

        iswydt

    • first of all, i do not believe this shit will see daylight in the waning days of the republican hegemony.

      but you will for sure be grandfathered in. i suspect anyone over 50 will be.

  • Meccalopolis

    HANOVER FIST!

    • Sakonyachen

      Heavy Metal reference!!

  • Persistent Demme

    They see the writing on the wall.
    Thanks, Alabama. (Especially black ladies.)

  • Boscoe

    Pfft. Ryan isn’t “retiring”, he’s planning ahead for when he becomes VP after trump is removed.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      He’ll never be VP FOR any length of time. A few months at best.

      He’s not going to be re-elected in Janesville, either.

  • SeeTrainOffTheRails

    Good Riddance to the Biggest Fake in American Politics

    By Charles P. Pierce
    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a14435838/paul-ryan-retire/

    • Edith Prickly

      Headline of the day.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Charlie nailed it again.

    • teele

      I couldn’t read past the part where he talks about “entitlement reform,” because my head started to explode. Pasty little rat got SS survivor benefits, even though his old man kicked on the family without spending a full working life paying into the system. He married for money — why the hell is HE entitled to the fruits of someone else’s wealth? I’ve been paying into Social Security and Medicare for 46 years now, and am also bearing the load to match my employee’s contributions. And now that I’m 2 years away from being able to collect on my investment, this little weasel is going to pull the rug out from under me? There are a very few people on this earth that I physically react to when hearing or even reading their names, and he is one of them. I despise him worse than I despise Trump (who he is not quite as smart as, frankly), and almost as much as I despise Reagan (RIH).

      • Zyxomma

        I’m guessing RIH means rest in hell. People (using the term loosely) like the zombie-eyed granny starver, Ronnie Raygun, and the rest of their cohort make me wish there were such a place.

        I have that same visceral reaction to Ryan. The only fitting end for him would be in the gutter, with a refrigerator box for his only shelter, no food or medicine, and no comfort. Since that’s not going to happen, may he and his ambitions be murdered with VOTES.

    • Sakonyachen

      “RYAN WAS SUCH A FLOP ON THE NATIONAL STAGE THAT JOE BIDEN LAUGHED AT HIM IN A DEBATE“

      Joe Biden has to pull his foot out of his mouth to laugh at someone. How sad is Ryan?

  • Stulexington

    “I didn’t realize that slitting throats internal policing was part of my job.” Seriously? You didn’t think it was your job as leader to maintain some sort of cohesion and internal discipline? No wonder you have the freedumb caucus running amok. That, by the way will be your legacy, not the tax cut bill for the insanely rich but how you presided over the house Republicans devolving into lunacy.

    • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

      i’ve seen many s-o-h’s over the years, and absolutely none of the good ones were republicans…they just do not know how to govern, which derives from their capitalist ‘everything is for sale–including me’ core philosophy

      • Sakonyachen

        When your political philosophy is that everyone to the right of Benito Mussolini is an inately righteous and infallible person, the job of SOH is going to get dicey.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    In fact, Paul Ryan never wanted to be the Speaker of the House ANYWAY.

    Lemme guess. Lumberjack?

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Fireman.

      • Sakonyachen

        He wanted to be the Chief. But the other Republicans wouldn’t let him wear the head dress during karaoke. YMCA is a good song for shoulder warmups.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        He DOES know that they put OUT fires, right?

        • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

          Not according to Ray Bradbury…not that he’s read any of that…

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Koch brother.

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Does he like to press wildflowers?

    • Weevie

      HAH!!! No, No, No. He’s lookin’ a lot like Dinty Moore lately, though.
      I got it, Busch Beer WoodsmanSpokesman: SSSSHHHPPPPFFFFTTTT!

    • Well, What Next?

      Ladies and gentlemen, our new Mr. Clean.

  • Mavenmaven

    Is he going Galt? Or is he going to be accused of harrassing his staff with endless discussion of crossfit?

  • C4TWOMAN

    He’s going to spend more time with his family P90X3.

  • CATMAN

    I’m sure Ryan will spend some time with his family but then he will return to Washington and hit the jackpot by becoming a highly sought after and highly paid lobbyist with one of the best Rolodexs around

  • TootsStansbury

    Is he retiring to be Vlad Putin’s personal trainer? Live his dream of being a well to do fake dishwasher who gets to taunt poor people? Are there bodies in his yard? It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • Boojum

    Killing the poors, sure…but asking evangelical pervs to resign? The horror!

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    1) Paul Ryan can suck my lady sick.
    2) This article could have been a lot shorter. It could have just said “Paul Ryan retiring in 2018 to spend more time with the Koch brother’s money.” I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t become a lobbyist.

    • BelmontPublicLibrary

      He’ll probably try to return to his Eddie Munster acting career.

    • Paul would join some board somewhere and get paid a billion damn dollars to do nothing

      • JCfromNC

        Or both. Nothing like double- or triple-dipping paychecks while still working fewer hours than most Americans do on a single job.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    “Despite several landmark legislative wins this year”
    The whole thing is a giant blow job of fake news.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    “I can sympathize with Paul, being speaker is an exhausting job. Some people aren’t up for the challenge. ”
    — Nancy Smash

    • Pisto75666

      Though you’d think with all that working out he does, he’d have more stamina.

  • chronozoan

    He’s 3rd in line behind Mike Pence who has repeatedly lied about Flynn and the Russians. Trump is removed. Pence has to resign and look who gets to be President 45B for a couple of years.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      He also has connections to Russian money, so maybe he wants to leave before Mueller gets to close.

    • The line of succession doesn’t really work like that. Pence would get to name a veep and he would be confirmed by the senate i think. That’s sort of how Gerald Ford became veep

      • Arolpin

        Actually, Ford was named VP after Spiro Agnew resigned as VP due to a tax issue. Ford was House Minority Leader at the time, and this happened before Nixon was really considering resigning.

        • hi i know this already don’t mansplain to me

          • Grumpy Old Man

            Then why don’t you use the information to inform your post – you made a stupid post then whinge when it is pointed out to you, using your new words.

          • Ill-Advised

            “Mansplain” only happens to women, “Uncle.”

          • this is textbook mansplaining

  • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

    “I didn’t realize slitting throats was part of my job. But now I know, I AM LOVING IT!!”

    *slides Pop Pop headfirst into the chute*

  • BrendaKay

    I am loving these posts from Fakakta South!! Please keep them coming. :-)

    • DezzNutz

      Put down the pom-poms lemming

    • she is WONDERFUL isn’t she?

  • Bemused

    You probably shouldn’t talk to the people you find in your kitchen cabinets. Really, you should ignore them. And maybe talk to your doctor.

  • I don’t like Paul Ryan in general and I think he has fundamentally bad ideas about government and society but he would be a decent president if some miracle eliminated trump and pence

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      And which ‘Paul Ryan’ would this be?

      • is there like a hair stylist who is also called paul ryan
        i dont watch sports

    • eastcoastlib

      I used to have a hamster when I was kid. it’s been dead for over thirty years now. Were we to dig it up and make it POTUS, it would do a better job than Trump, Pence or Ryan

    • JCfromNC

      If by that you mean “wouldn’t start a nuclear war with a tweet” and “wouldn’t causally insult every other world leader” and even “would know how to respond appropriately in times of national crisis/tragedy” — it’s still a pretty low bar for “decent”.

  • Impatient

    For balance in the universe, Ryan cannot be allowed to leave with that stupid little smirk still attached to his face. At least make him throw it into the security box with his ID, on the way out!

  • Paul Ryan is supposedly saying “quietly” that he is quitting

    I would say Ryan’s trying to leave on a high note, but hey, Bass players can’t really do that.
    http://m.quickmeme.com/img/9f/9f76d84835b19766a7eceba104c64ee76441cfdab94fa635f10d18481ecc7e81.jpg

    • Grumpy Old Man

      Fear! when the drum solo stops – fear! then the bass solo begins.

  • SadDemInTex

    Something something with votes…and may his bowel movements be very painful

  • RugzYaBurnt

    This puke is worse than Trump could ever aspire to be. Trump is merely an opportunist who will sign onto anything that keeps him in the spotlight; Ryan *truly believes* that it is a moral imperative that Granny Has To Die.

  • Mormos

    any guesses on who he will go shill for once he leaves congress?

    • Relativicus

      Six of one…

    • Jeffery Campbell

      AOT, K

  • Marceline

    This is a Chaffetz situation. Mueller is up his ass and is going to give him the chance to save face.

  • Belasaurius

    are we speculating on who he has been touching

  • Well, What Next?

    Hmmm. Bluey Bug-Eyes Ryan will change his mind real quick if Orange Menace Drumpf decides to take it on the lam, and Timbertoes Pence follows.

    And Ryan likely has more than a few skeletons rattling around in his closet.

    • Sakonyachen

      Just because he looks like a skeleton, doesn’t mean he has any hidden.

    • Marc Berrenson

      His father, grandfather and great grandfather all died of heart attacks in their fifties. He’s in his forties. He hears the clock ticking. I’m just surprised he wasted the last year sucking The Cheeto’s dick. Maybe The Cheeto’s offered the wife a job in Trump Tower? This heart attack thing would also explain his disinterest in Social Security, Medicare, etc.

  • DezzNutz

    Wow, the Fake News in this article is only outdone by the massive hate emanating from it and this website

    • davej1s

      Please don’t say “fake news”. It makes you sound like NMP Donnie.

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