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I regret to inform you of the death of satire. Oft-mourned, it had until now always managed a glorious resurrection, but I think it is possible that the Trump clan have finally killed it d-e-d dead.

You see, four of them were sent absentee ballots for New York’s election. Jared, Ivanka, Melania and Donald. In order, that’s the guy who’s in charge of peace in the Middle East, the woman whose Sisyphean task is to convince people her father’s not goddamned insane, the woman whose even more futile work is to put some class on the fucking place, and the President of the United States of America.

Guess how many absentee ballots, of the four, were returned properly filled out to the New York Board of Elections? ZERO. ZERO BALLOTS CAME BACK PROPERLY. Let’s check in with our contestants in this game show we call civic participation!

Jared? Yeah, he just never bothered. To vote.

Ivanka managed to fill out her ballot properly but had trouble with the concept of linear time and therefore decided to mail hers on Election Day itself.

Melania managed to think ahead, but the four-sentence instruction of “vote, put ballot in envelope, sign envelope, put envelope in mailing envelope” stymied her and she sent in an unsigned ballot.

Donald, surprisingly, did the best out of the lot! He managed to completely fill the ballot out, sign in all the proper places, and get it mailed off in time. However, he’s been docked points for getting his own birthdate wrong, which may or may not invalidate his ballot.

These are, I need not remind you, the people who are in charge of the Executive Branch. I recommend bourbon, or vodka depending on whether you like clear or dark liquor.

Also, this is YOUR OPEN THREAD!

[Vanity Fair]

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  • Royal Ugly Dude

    How Did Trump Family Survive All This Time Without People Reminding Them To Breathe?

    Based on the photo, I’m guessing they survived by mouth-breathing.

    • Andrew Rheinheimer

      Bobka

      • Mormos

        cinnamon bobka!

      • Bobathonic

        Bobka and tonic.

        Wait, that’s me!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      For reals, gin n’ vodka n’ tequila n’ tonic is a pretty terrific combination (go easy on the tonic).

      This is the kind of thing you can learn when three bottles all nearly empty line themselves up in your line of sight just so. A wedge of lime AND a wedge of lemon, both squeezed to death, so you gots the aromatic oils coming out of the rinds. Delish.

      Drink a couple of those and you’ll still be sharper than your average Trumpling.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      That’s a horrible cocktail…

  • Joe Beese
    • Omarosa Manigault is like a lost Tenenbaum child: so much early promise (master’s from Howard, worked in Al Gore’s office during the Clinton administration) that just curdled and amounted to nothing. “Virtually all memory of the brilliance of the young Omarosa was subsequently erased by two decades of betrayal, failure, and disaster.”

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        I’m reading that with Alec Baldwin narration.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Yeah, and she’s named after a Harry Potter spell. Girl never stood a chance.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          [waves wand vigorously]

          “Omarosa Fartundium!” [large puff of green smoke]

          “Bloody hell, Ron! Couldn’t you practice that out of doors?”

      • Edith Prickly

        Spending time around Trump will do that to you.

      • Clark_Nova

        Aren’t Betrayal, Failure and Disaster three of Trump’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

        • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

          HOUSE TRUMP
          Betrayal, Failure, Disaster

    • Joe Beese

      I tried storming the White House once.

      I’d rather not talk about it.

      • Dutchman

        I was only videotaped by the Secret Service whilst protesting in Lafayette Park. Kudos on your(apparently failed)efforts.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        Lady Bird Johnson was one hot lady.

        Just sayin’

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Leroy Jenkins style?

      • Clark_Nova

        Are you writing from the Gulag wing of St Elizabeth’s hospital? I understand that a guy who got to the WH front door in the days of Nixon is still down there and still hasn’t had a hearing.

  • ManchuCandidate

    https://i.imgur.com/q08Ds.gif
    It is how I imagine the Bluuuu… er Trumps doing their impersonation of a chicken.

  • Dutchman

    Satire is indeed dead in the age of Trump, also too, irony.

  • Joe Beese
    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      So, no checkmark…should I assume that this is someone taking the piss? Or is this their official twitter?

  • Panika MCD

    there will be bourbon later while I type up a full run down on how fucked up FEMA has gotten later. but POTUS don’t know when he was borned? he’s a birther, right?

  • “getting his own birthdate wrong”

    Yeah, I’m gonna have to see this President’s birth certificate.

    • Mahousu

      He forgot to convert from the Kenyan calendar.

    • schmannity

      SHOW US THE LONG FORM COMBOVER

    • Paperless Tiger

      Maybe it was the birthday of his other personality.

  • Resistor Radio

    The stupid, it hurts.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    You couldn’t have written that in a movie, not even a comedy, it just sounds too ridiculous.

    • Amy!

      It’s the climactic scene from a laugh-tracked badly-acted struggling sitcom, from the episode “Absent E Voting.” Not one of the stronger episodes, of an already weak season; it’s no surprise that the network isn’t gonna renew. The big question now is whether it’s gonna be canceled mid-season to try one of the alternates, which all tested with the primary preview audiences worse than this one.

  • Mormos

    gin and grapefruit juice, rimmed with salt.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Stupid is as stupid is.

  • mancityRed6

    this is my friday night.
    not to make anyone jealous or anything.

    • willi0000000

      do you have any idea how many of us retireds are laughing our asses off right now?

      • mancityRed6

        speaking as someone who probably never will…enjoy it while you can.

        • willi0000000

          i have no choice . . . i can’t un-retire.

          • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

            Are you a former hit man that was put out to pasture on a remote tropical island, dreading a visit from an old associate who wants you to do “one last job”?

          • willi0000000

            that would be OK . . . but i’m just old and useless.

  • Resistor Radio

    I hate it when I sit down on the sofa, flip on the teevee, and the first sound I hear is Chuck Todd.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Channel blockers are your friend.

      • Resistor Radio

        Is there a Chuck Todd blocker? Because I need my Maddow and the last few days Morning Joe has been LIT.

  • Ruth Serafini

    I’d say “omg, we’re all gonna die” except 1) we all know that already, anyway and 2) I’m still way too happy from last night.

  • Mahousu

    Look, Donald lies constantly. He’s not even sure what the truth is any more. It’s unfair to expect him not to lie just a little bit on his ballot.

  • Paperless Tiger

    How they win if they’re too dumb to vote?

    • Resistor Radio

      Russia and Fifth Column Republicans

    • Amy!

      It’s not who votes that counts, it’s who counts the votes.

  • Shanzgood

    To be fair, tne last absentee ballot I filled out, I put together backwards and ended up mailing it back to myself. Fortunately, it was soon enough to fix it and get it sent in on time.

  • schmannity

    This is more confirmation that Trump is a Democratic plant. No one in his family voted for him.

  • Marceline

    So let’s stop reminding them to breathe. Problem solved.

    • beatbort

      More fun would ensue if the family just went to a shooting range…no?

    • Mormos

      Pepe’s are amphibians, they breathe through their mucusy skin.

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • Resistor Radio

      “Doonal, I sex you next month, not birthday yet”

      • beatbort

        “Donnel…stop cheating off paper my..”

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Takes elevator to the lobby, walk out of the hotel, crosses the street, looks up at the hotel “T…R…U…”

    • Edith Prickly

      I-D-I-O-T.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Hannity Asked Twitter for the ‘Worst Recent Example of Fake News’ and Got Mercilessly Scorched

    The winner of Hannity’s “Worst Example of Fake News” derby was, by a landslide, Sean Hannity. Most of the Twitter responses contained the single word “You.”.

  • UnsaltedSinner
    • clubseal

      “Just anything you don’t like just add it to the list.”
      That’s the Conservative strategy for creating conspiracies, also too.

  • Raan

    You know what, as someone who, every election, has people show up at the polling place with their mail-in ballot, expecting to drop it off instead of following the clear instructions to either mail it or drop it at one of the county SOE locations, I believe it.

    That said (in Florida at least), if they want to just turn over their mail-in ballot for destruction and vote a regular ballot, they can do that.

  • Andrew Rheinheimer

    To quote Dante, I believe they have made trumpets of their ass faces.

  • mrFawkes

    I’m sure Uday and Qusay voted for each other to cancel out each other’s vote.

    • Eileen Besse

      “Vote”? “What”

  • memzilla Ω

    Obviously a case of voter flawed.

    • Raan

      Error Code FFS: Problem Exists Between Ballot And Chair

      • PEBDAC was my favorite part of working in IT.

        *sorry typoed, pebdaC not pebdas

        • SkinlessGenderlessMan

          We knew it as “chair and keyboard”.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Wrong birthdate constitutes voter fraud. Inform the commission.

  • schmannity

    The picture looks like Trump and Kushner are talking, but they’re just breathing.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Sometimes I have trouble with the concept of linear time. Usually around 4:20 in the afternoon.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Let’s see now. The president of New York is……..no, wait….2 + 2 scribble scribble carry the Gohmert……adjust for pie…… equals potatoe. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3481ea4334c153419d842a6f99545e3a32d6e19f899a58cf1269b70d08a50e98.jpg

    • mancityRed6

      I just noticed, is that the back of his chair? it blends so seamlessly with the wall.

      • Petunia Cat

        No, it’s the fancy “textured” wall behind the desk at MaraLago, in the lobby.

        • Clark_Nova

          The only actual desk in the entire building.

    • schmannity

      What an elaborate toilet you have Mr Trump.

      • Kateaux

        That picture & your non-comment remind me of a passage in Ursula K. Le Guin’s The Dispossessed, wherein an obscenely-ornate bathroom is described as “the magnificent gold and ivory temple of the shitshool”.

  • BadKitty904

    If you inherit enough money, you don’t need brains, ability, common sense, etc.

    • Seek

      See: Heirs of Sam Walton, any of them.

  • Mavenmaven

    The Leader and his family are above the Law and thus beyond voting as they represent the Will of the Volk.

  • Lyly Sirivong
  • Joe Beese
    • BadKitty904

      Your sister-in-law’s cat, plotting…

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        “I can reach the arm chair from here, so that’s one human taken care of …”

        • Resistor Radio

          “If I knock over all the framed photos, one will pick up and another will help, I can get two at once”

    • mancityRed6

      there might have been a spider up there, you don’t know.

    • Is perfect spot for Death from Above for hooman.

    • Resistor Radio

      Awww, my cats did that when we were staying in a hotel on a cross-country move.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      He’s going down the curtain like Prince of Persia would with a dagger.

    • maxneanderthal

      HIS life choices? looks like a tortoiseshell (calico) to me, which are 99.999999r% female- if he’s really a he, and still in possession of the-ahem- family jewels, he’s worth a minor fortune… just sayin’

      • Joe Beese

        (rubs hands together, glancing side to side)

        • maxneanderthal

          “So, Mr Bond, we meet again…”

    • GoutMachine

      Soon.

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    “Nobody knew that voting could be so complicated.”

  • beatbort

    He lies so often and, in between, is so incompetent, that I wonder if his name really is Donald Trump. Naah…it’s such a stupid-ass name, that it’s probably his.

  • schmannity

    Imagine how much flim flam, fraud, and fuckery is required to overcome that level of incompetence.

  • BadKitty904

    What amazes me most is that people this stupid haven’t been fleeced out of every penny they own by any half-awake con-artist…

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Well, they DO owe a couple of billion to DeutcheBank….

      • BadKitty904

        Hmm.

      • Petunia Cat

        Deutsche Bank! Half Awake Con Artist to the World!

    • Bobathonic

      Putin libelz!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Next time, I’m filling out an absinthe ballot

  • Mary Theresa
  • Tetman Callis

    Silly rabbits. All those petty infractions of the “rules” and “procedures” and “the right way to do things without looking dumb as fucking snails” are for the little people, such as all of you here, waiting patiently and respectfully and lovingly to be cast a few crumbs from your masters’ tables. They are not for the ollygarks of ollygarks, the very Golden Trumps Themselves, who can do no wrong and who never ever ever lose at anything ever and if anyone says they do it is Sad!! FAKE NEWS!

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Deep State made em do it! Or Hillary. Yeah, I like that, well go with Hillary and her magical mind control hexes.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Just read a thank you email from Senator-Elect Doug Jones…
    http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/oh_yeah_obama.gif

  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

    I remember a cartoon like that when I was a kid. It was a dumb cat and a mouse, I think. I’m pretty sure it was a Looney Tunes cartoon. The dumb cat is turning blue and the mouse slaps him upside the head and says, “breathe you idiot, breathe! You forgot to breathe again!”

    Anyone else recall that?

    • mackafritz
      • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

        I guess my memory wasn’t perfect but served the purpose. Where’d you find that?

        • mackafritz

          Searched the Google.

          • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

            I searched YouTube. Must not have had the right criteria.

    • Clark_Nova

      Itchy and Scratchy?

  • PixieThis

    Has anyone considered that someone else filled out trump’s ballot? My circumstantial evidence? 1. Everything (but birthday) was filled out correctly. 2. Wrong birthday – something an aide could mix up, but with trump being always about himself, I highly doubt he would forget his own birthday.

    • Crystalclear12

      He routinely forgets how tall he is.

      • PixieThis

        And how fat he is.

        • maxneanderthal

          ..and how much hair he doesn’t have…

          • Ruth Serafini

            …and how big his hands aren’t…

          • Clark_Nova

            And where he is and how he got there.

    • jesterpunk

      Isnt that illegal?

      • Mormos

        and he cares why?

        • jesterpunk

          Someone call Kris Kobach, they may have found another case of voter fraud.Its just too bad for them they all seem to be done by Trump supporters.

    • Clark_Nova

      The law requires him to check it for errors and sign it personally. He committed voter fraud. No other way to look at this.

  • Crystalclear12

    More proof that Russia got him elected.
    Trump: how do you rig an election?
    Putin: oh, for God’s sake, just let me do it!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    So, they committed a little voter fraud with Twitler’s ballot. Meh.
    – All Congressional republicans, in unison.

  • chazmanr

    Gave up the hooch at the request of my liver and personal relationship years ago, so liquor is not really an option. However, that waterpipe is getting one helluva workout under this administration!

    • DT

      My favorite thing about my local head shop is the sign that reads “our products rhyme with ‘ripe’ not ‘wrong'”

  • Lyly Sirivong
  • TJ Barke

    So how about that idiotic tax “closing argument” bullshit?

    • Joe Beese

      I made it through about 8 seconds of that.

      • Crystalclear12

        My system initiated an emergency rage reboot.

    • Clark_Nova

      The voids in his cerebral hemispheres have expanded until they touch.

  • Major^3 Andre

    I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: The only thing keeping these morans above ground are involuntary muscles.

  • BearGHAZI

    It would behoove killermartinis to recommend heroin, for those teetotalers among us

    • Crystalclear12

      Who will speak for the tokers?

  • mancityRed6

    this might be old, but, it’s a better explanation for the shit show that has been than anything else.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/47b16c0340f6f1f93b1ab6293ed6554d94deb2f849d7e9d97a05de8512dbb303.jpg

  • jesterpunk
  • beatbort

    Per USA Today’s editorial about Trump today: Trump is not only unfit to clean the toilets in President Obama’s Presidential Library, he doesn’t even qualify to apply for the job. You have to possess certain motor skills, hand to eye coordination, stamina, etc. Maybe he could change the urinal cakes, with his teeth.

    • jesterpunk

      You also have to fill out a job application.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Also, his hands are too small to perform the duties of the job.

  • Mormos

    Duh, Pepe’s are amphibians, they breathe through their mucusy skin.

  • Joe Beese
  • Perkniticky

    This reminds me of the secretary of state of Alabama just the other day saying “you’re going to have to show some initiative to become a registered voter in this state.” Maybe that initiative should include correctly filling out ballots in your past lame attempts to vote, heh?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • BadKitty904

      ‘Bout damned time, too.

      • Clark_Nova

        With luck the Democrats will be gone, too and we’ll have four new parties.

    • jowgajen

      Dude has nothing to lose, he’s not likely to win reelection. So a solid 4 years of doing what he thinks is right is likely his plan.

      • blarg

        Won’t it be 6 years?

        • jowgajen

          He’s completing sessions term. And I misspoke, it’s 3 years. A lot could happen though, maybe in 3 years the Republican party will have ceased to exist in any meaningful sense.

        • Serve remainder of term

        • Mehmeisterjr

          No, because he is filling out Session’s term.

          The timeline (with annotations) is that Sessions resigned to become Attorney General (and he must be regretting that every day.)

          Luther Strange, a solid, dependable crappy RWNJ pol was appointed by the Governor to fill the vacancy.

          Any sane person, and hey, even Trump, endorsed Strange in the primary run-off but Kingmaker Supreme Steve Bannon decided that Strange was a cuck and pushed the even crazier Roy Moore as the candidate and Moore won!

          Great jubilation among the Breitbartista.

          Except that they forgot or refused to believe that Roy has more disgusting history than a luggage warehouse.

          So then, the argument became whether it was better to elect a Democrat who successfully prosecuted KKK murderers who killed little girls or a guy who raped young girls.

          By a narrow margin, though plenty enough, the child rapist lost.

          I’m not sure that the seat will revert to the GOP in 3.

          Jones could gain points through service and honesty.

          Bannon could dig up another pedophile to run again him.

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        isn’t his term up in 2020?

    • YoBunnyBunny

      “But he murders fetuses!!! What about the FETUSES!!!1! Also too I don’t want my tax dollars going to some layabout!!!1”

  • I don’t think this is a surprise… after all, he’s also shown up at the wrong polling places.

  • Sean

    In Jared’s defense, he’s now registered to vote in Tel Aviv (or maybe Jerusalem) and probably has a permanent residence on stand by in Bahrain where they don’t extradite to the US.

  • jesterpunk

    Remember last year they where too stupid to vote in the primaries for Trump.

    http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trumps-kids-eric-ivanka-miss-deadline-vote/story?id=38303943

  • canes_pugnaces

    This really is the dumbest first family in history. And that takes some Van Buren.

    • Warren Harding libel!

      • canes_pugnaces

        Harding surprising?

        • It’s just Polk wisdom…

          • canes_pugnaces

            A bird in the Bush?

          • Granted, but in Cleveland you’d have to look in the Grover.

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      You prolly could have left out the “first.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And a whole lot of Buchanan (rhymes with Bannon.)

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Trending on Twitter:

    #BlackWomen

  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

    I’m looking forward to the family mugshot.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Well, friends, I have celebrated Doug Jones’ win by spending pretty much all day here and on FB enjoying the impotent rage of the flying monkey brigade and the joy of the normal people like ourselves, but I must get some work done. . . I sashay off into the sunset with the happy image of Omarosa and Roy Moore both crying like six-year-olds who got underwear and school supplies for Christmas. It’s been glorious today. Love y’all :)

  • P’jama Pahnts

    As in “Wife of hall of fame hockey player”
    https://twitter.com/StaciaRR/status/940407146583179264

  • Joe Beese

    Now that is a test of one’s anti-perspirant.

    https://twitter.com/benyc/status/941066976180539397

    • Joe Beese

      Strong enough for a man but Junior can use it too.

      • PeeTape Balanced for a Trump. (sorry if that was too much of a stretch. say it out loud and it sort of works)

    • jesterpunk

      [This comment redacted due to attorney client privilege]

      • hudson

        iswydt.

      • SDGeoff3

        Where’s Space Tacos?

        • jesterpunk

          He was on earlier today.

    • onedollarjuana

      Jr. has the chance for a little under-the-bus-throwing before daddy gets his chance. Wonder if he’ll take it?

      • Joe Beese

        He knew it wasn’t going well when the next question was “Do you understand the penalties for perjury?”

    • 52camellias

      And his Depends.

    • SDGeoff3

      Metaphysical waterboarding.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Or one’s preferred lube.

    • GoutMachine

      Hillary: “Wuss.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Setting the world land-speed record for strategic amnesia, I’m guessing.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Controversial Judicial Nominee Brett Talley Withdraws Nomination:

    It’s an embarrassing setback for Trump. But the nominee had never tried a case, and earned a “not qualified” rating. Come on.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ffd18ef8614d2b81e5bbc3f8462544710e19f83899a8fea7771a5da00a3315db.jpg

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Awwwww!

      Another judicial snowcuckiflake gone?

      Persevere, The Donald.

      With a little effort, I’m sure you can find a candidate for a lifetime appointment who can’t count to two on his own balls.

  • William
    • BadKitty904

      Subtle.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      DAMMIT, I’m jealous. I wish I had thought of that first!

      • jesterpunk

        Can multiple people in different states have the same vanity license plate?

        • Tetman Callis

          I believe so. Federalism!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • nightmoth

    They got into the White House after losing the popular vote! They know they don’t need no stinkin’ votes.

  • Blanche de Shambles

    Apparently Trump thinks his birthday is Bastille Day.

    In honor of his fake birthday, here are some Legionnaires marching to the anthem of the French Foreign Legion, “Le Boudin.”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFm12v-KFXc

    • TundraGrifter

      I did not know that was the name of the French Foreign Legion’s anthem. I thought it was just a brand of San Francisco sourdough.

      • Blanche de Shambles

        It means “The Little Sausage.”

        • TundraGrifter

          Is that the First Lady’s other nickname for Mr. Trump’s Tiny Dancer?

      • Clark_Nova

        It’s the best thing about Louisiana. The French stuff sucks.

    • The Wanderer

      Are the Trumps Belgian? Because they don’t get any sausage (they’re lazy shits).

      • Blanche de Shambles

        Ironically, Belgian is often one of the nationalities French people claim to be when they want to join the Legion.

        • The Wanderer

          Heh. Hercule Poirot would object.

  • William
    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’m gonna guess, the Jew one?

      • Tetman Callis

        Joo win!

      • Werewolf

        Bernie Bernstein.

  • coozledad

    Old racist piece of soon to be forgotten says what?
    https://twitter.com/AngryBlackLady/status/941045233168429056

    • Joe Beese
    • AnneBonny

      Wait, is that tweet critiquing Bernie? Because his supporters say it’s a victory for centrism? But it’s not?

      Can someone decode this for me?

      (If it helps I am not a big Bernie fan but I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about him either way anymore.)

      • jesterpunk

        Bernie bros on twitter have been criticizing Jones and saying he didnt actually win and Moore lost. Basically trying to sabotage him already because he isnt pure enough for them and cares about “identity politics”.

        • AnneBonny

          Thank you!

          • AnneBonny

            That seems obvious in retrospect–I’m just out of touch with The Revbrolution.

          • jesterpunk

            His statement also says Jones won because they elected a mayor who beat the democrat mayor and helped Jones win. So they want both sides, Jones didn’t win and Moore lost and Jones won because Bernie supported a mayor over an establishment Democrat.

          • ariel_gee_398

            I swear to christ, Bernie’s ego needs almost as much soothing as Trump’s.

          • coozledad

            Apparently he doesn’t realize just how much the Marxist critique was focused on the racist institutions he seems utterly blind to.

            He can’t accept that black women won that race, because black women trounced him, too.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            And it’s too bad, because he of all people should embrace the fact that politics is a means to an end. It’s not supposed to be a personality cult.

            Both my daughter and I were Bernie Bros back in the primary, because although we knew Hillary would eventually win, we wanted her to get pushed a little more to the leftist/populist/blue collar side of things to really seal it up. A little more Joe Six Pack. Obviously, she didn’t reach enough of those people, and here we are.

          • Werewolf

            Bernie supporter=|=Bernie Bro.

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      the revolution is befuddled.

    • AnneBonny

      Sorry, not over this. I just couldn’t get my mind around the idea that there might be someone on the left who’s anything but thrilled with Doug Jones AND his win. What utter wastes of space.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Heading off for now with this helpful PSA from a former Republican:

    https://twitter.com/MaxBoot/status/940960039652806656

    • BadKitty904

      As any actual American will tell you…

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Most Americans aren’t really paying that close attention, But to those of us who are, yeah, no brainer.

        • BadKitty904

          They will, sooner or later. Here’s hoping it’s sooner, while there’s still something that can be done about it.

    • Shanzgood

      KREMLINGATE

      • Crystalclear12

        IT HAS BEEN NAMED.

        • Shanzgood

          I think I’ve heard/read Russiagate before but Kremlingate is MUCH better.

  • doktorzoom

    Part of how I’m spending my week off (instead of actually cleaning the apartment like I’d planned): Reading a procedurally-generated Harry Potter story titled “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash.”

    AI is already writing better fanfic than “My Immortal.”

    Backstory of how this madness happened at the Guardian.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cd862b0e15b849949937cea70261209d4251c7bd8038bd7c174c289a00af3686.jpg

    • Joe Beese

      Great, now I have to change my password.

    • BEEF WOMEN, eh?

      Studying anatomy yesterday I came across the word “meatus”, which I concluded is probably the name of a long lost member of Gwar.

      • Joe Beese

        GWAR would have been a good act to book for Trump’s inauguration.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0g-TcjDf68

        • What?! Warped Tour 17?! I assumed they stopped after Oderus finally rode off on the World Maggot a while back. RIP.

          • mancityRed6

            nope, new singer
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5K4Py1L7mc
            also, NSFW

          • I’m not sure how to feel about that. I guess it’s good they’re still around.

          • mancityRed6

            after they put all that work into the outfits, there’s no chance they’ll just fade away.

          • mancityRed6

            and if you want the original:
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7EVersJ6ts
            also, NSFW, maybe

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            You know, Kansas played at my high school, Shawnee Mission South, back in the day. I was still in Jr High but it was like a big deal back then. How times have changed and old music appropriated.

          • aureolaborealis

            I think we played that song in marching band. That’s almost as good, right?

          • Clark_Nova

            Depends on where you work.

          • aureolaborealis

            I love the “Oderus Died” cover of the Jim Carroll song at the end.

        • Clark_Nova

          Too many people would have shown up to see that. Save it for his arrest and immolation.

        • aureolaborealis

          “Get in the FUCKING car!!!!”

          https://youtu.be/bMkA76KpWO8

      • Beanz&Berryz

        GWAR gum is a common food thickener

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      I’m not exactly sure what I read there.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Clearly Botnik needz moar Russianz.

    • mancityRed6

      they really need to do all of the books. my Barry Trotter books are falling apart.

    • Elendira

      Blasphemy! My Immortal is the best Harry Potter story — fanfiction or cannon. Better than that hack, J.K.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      I ate death once. Tasted like chicken.

      Be here all week, ladies and germs.

      • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

        Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.

      • Clark_Nova

        But really tough, stringy chicken, right?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          No, just regular dead chicken. Which I actually prefer to the flavor of live chicken.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Talk about automatic writing!

    • hendenburg2

      Botnik needs to enter some of this stuff into the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

      http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Sacrilege! Bulwer-Lytton is the purest human invention. Dry-clean your tongue, sir.

    • Resistor Radio

      “All the other death eaters clapped politely”

      They sound like the bad guys in the Buffy “Hush” episode.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Death Eater pron!

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        I won’t judge; to eats, his own.

    • Jamoche
      • Courser_Resistance

        That’s kinda wonderful in its own creepy way

      • Nockular cavity

        Are we sure that wasn’t the cat’s attempt at text?

    • proudgrampa

      “He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione’s family. Ron’s Ron shirt was just as bad as Ron himself.
      ‘If you two can’t clump happily, I’m going to get aggressive,’ confessed the reasonable Hermione.”

      And then the murders began…

      Hilarious!

    • Msgr_MΩment
    • keinsignal

      Oh man I love this stuff.

      Because I am an efficient and not at all scatterbrained and easily distracted person, the other day when I needed to test bandwidth between two sites I wrote a Markov chain bot and fed it the text of Nehemiah (KJV version natch) and had it spew out 100MB worth of gibberish to use as a test payload.

      As a prophecies go, the output was not totally implausible…

      “The Levites sanctified all fruit thereof was no burden, lest your God
      shake out even thus be dark before him. And thou buildest the money for your
      strength, so it yieldeth much rubbish. So did outlandish women cause to burn upon a solemn assembly according to sell that in great joy, the dominion over us rise up with those that didst among his labour that bare rule over all they
      come to us to put from the prayer of Hur the chamber where are therein the
      goldsmith’s son.”

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        Sounds familiar….

        Reminds me of the time I visited one o’ them hellfire-and-dalmatians churches.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    I recommend bourbon, or vodka depending on whether you like clear or dark liquor.

    I vill go vith Russian national cocktail – DieHard battery acid.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The President of the United States cannot get his own date of birth wrong because he is not subject to the space-time continuum or the Gregorian Calendar.

    • GoutMachine

      Everyone knows the Gregoria’s calendar is fake news.

  • BadKitty904
    • Parasites can be useful.

      • Sure, get you some leeches and a king’s bastard and go to town!

        • Or, sometimes, a kid

          • 8(

          • Yes, i am a terrible human

          • Shanzgood

            As a kid, I poured salt into a slug nest in my back yard and happily watched them shrivel up and melt. Are we on the same team?

          • Well, i called all children parasites…

          • Clark_Nova

            I think of them as larvae if they’re under 25.

          • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

            If only we can get you to the white house now with a salt shaker.

          • Shanzgood

            I had an entire carton of Mortons. We’d probably need Sam and Dean quantities at the WH. Or truckloads from the city road crews.

          • Clark_Nova

            I’ve NEVER seen a slug nest in my 70 years. Where the hell do you live? Alabama?

          • Shanzgood

            Kansas. There was a hole in my back yard, a few inches across and maybe 6-12″ deep. I peeked in (because I was curious) and found a…Well, as a slugphobic kid, I was horrified. It looked like thousands of them all stickily garbled up in there together, but I probably remember that wrong. Think Indiana Jones and the pit of snakes, but I wasn’t actually IN there. Hence, the Mortons.

      • ahughes798

        Not those ones.

  • Blackest Noobs

    Man, oh, Man rich white folks sure can vote.
    so easy a white person can fuck it up.

    • Shanzgood

      It’s true. I’m white but not rich but I fucked up my absentee ballot anyway. At least I got it back in the mail in time to return it properly and get my vote counted.

      • Resistor Radio

        You’re good like that.

        • Shanzgood

          No, I folded it up wrong so that it got mailed back to my house instead of to where it was supposed to go. I was being poisoned by diesel fumes all day at the time, though.

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            Kansas actually doing due diligence?

          • Shanzgood

            USPS, actually. They delivered the mail to the addressee. Which was me.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Second time’s a charm!

  • BadKitty904
  • shastakoala

    This is what happens when you fire the envelope licker.

    • Can we get them George’s wedding invitation evelopes?

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Would not lick Ivanka’s envelope. Just sayin’.

      • Clark_Nova

        Not even with Donnie’s tongue.

  • bubbuhh

    For GOPee, crime iz easy. Votin iz hard.

  • Sheepshagger

    There’s a long way to go, but this is the end of the beginning. Trump cannot achieve anything except catastrophic failures. The Mueller machine is spinning up to warp speed. It’s going to be sweet.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Aye, cap’n. Warp factor derp.

      Engage.

      • redarmyzombie

        We’re gonna have to go right to…ludicrous speed!

        • The Wanderer

          “They’ve gone to PLAID!”

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            McKhaaaaaaannnnnn!

    • canes_pugnaces

      I wish I believed that. It seems to me Mueller is plodding along, with nothing but rumor and wishes (from people like me). I wouldn’t be surprised if this had an underwhelming conclusion.

      • TJ Barke

        At the very least they should have a solid obstruction of justice case.

        • canes_pugnaces

          Do they? It’s difficult to prove. And even then Donny doesn’t read, doesn’t use email, it’s all words, and even then indirectly. He dealt with the mob for years. He knows the drill.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        The problem is that the metric seems to be “crime” rather than “evidence of collusion.” That he’s going to get away with this because it isn’t technically criminal is appalling.

        • canes_pugnaces

          that’s the kernel of it. Collusion isn’t a chargeable offense, because it’s not an offense. Conspiracy, Treason, etc are what the charge should be. I’d say that Kuschner and Jon Jr. are still walking free tells you that this is going no where. I hope I’m wrong.

      • Paperless Tiger

        You don’t get guilty pleas with rumor and wishes. That said, if Putin was really running the show, it’s likely to be one of those Russian doll deals with lots of layers to shuck. It could take a long time.

    • WIDTAP

      Oh you innocent child. The alt-nuts can always make it worse. Remember when Nazis marching through the streets with tiki torches wasn’t a thing?

  • WIDTAP

    “Jared, Ivanka, Melania and Donald.”

    In the evil-alternate universe, Peter, Paul and Murray have a song about them.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Has anybody seen those fiends, Jared, Ivanka, Melania and Donald

  • TundraGrifter

    I’m puzzling over this and now my puzzler is sore. The President of the United States, Chief Executive Officer and the person ultimately responsible for the DofJ and therefore the FBI, thinks the FBI isn’t doing a good job. Even though he overseas it. He publically expresses his opinions on this topic, and the Regressives are down with that. Meanwhile, FBI agents privately express political opinions and they make political donations that are public information (and, therefore, by definition can’t be conflicts of interest). Further, thanks to Citizens United, political campaign contributions are just free speech – protected by the First Amendment. But in this case they are, again according to the Regressives, obviously wrong.

    • Crystalclear12

      Needs more cognitive dissonance.

      • (((Sedagive)))

        Unpossible.

        • Crystalclear12

          You know they see that as a challenge, right?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Exactly.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Did you hear that Jeff Sessions invited reporters in to the DOJ to view fired FBI agent’s texts? I’d call this administration a shitshow, but I don’t want to insult shitshow. This is completely insane.

      • TundraGrifter

        As noted elsewhere, I don’t think it is correct to say that FBI agent was “fired.” He (they) did nothing wrong.

    • Anna Rompage

      Many of them in AL just voted for a child molester, claiming there was no proof he ever molested a 14 year old girl and there’s no way he did that, and even if he did, most parents would be proud if their daughter was molested by a DA…

  • armed_bears

    Saaaay,,,, You know who else I’d like to see dragged cursing and struggling out of the White House?

    • SHS? Gen Kelly? AoT, K?

      • armed_bears

        Well, not Barron.

    • All of them, Katie?

    • jesterpunk

      Lumpy?

    • Bobathonic

      Uncle Vlad?

    • WIDTAP

      It’s too late. Pickles the cat is already dead.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      There’s fewer and fewer every day.

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      Finally, the answer is actually “Hitler.”

    • yyyaz

      Everyone but the cooks and janitors?

    • Clark_Nova

      Better on a covered gurney.

      • armed_bears

        Ooohh, dark! Sort of a House of Cards ending?

      • puredog

        Body bag FTW

  • hudson

    talking of voting. this is how it is done.

    https://twitter.com/MorganJerkins/status/940790457872846848

    originally posted by persistantly_resistant_gayby

    • RMKH

      That’s the best

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      I played it like 10 times already.

    • Live footage of Black women saving white Alabamians from their own stupidity.

      • Shanzgood

        No, they were saving *themselves* because they knew *we* couldn’t be counted on to do it. Especially after Trump got elected.

    • (((Sedagive)))

      The revolution will be won Purse First:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuogbfF6VR8

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Well, I for one, welcome our new ebon-skinned overladies.

  • Nasty Woman Persisted
    • Crystalclear12

      It’s scary until the hysteria kicks in then funny.

    • jesterpunk

      Scary.

      http://www.newsweek.com/nuclear-war-may-be-tiny-temper-tantrum-away-nobel-peace-prize-winner-warns-743717

      Beatrice Fihn, director of the International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons (ICAN), whose organization won the 2017 award for striving to ban nuclear weapons, addressed the issue at a ceremony in Oslo, Norway, on December 10.

      “We have a choice: the end of nuclear weapons, or the end of us,” Fihn said in her acceptance speech, according to the BBC.

      “The deaths of millions may be one tiny tantrum away,” she added.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Any tiny tantrum she might be thinking of?

      • Meccalopolis

        Tinytantrum 238

    • redarmyzombie

      …yes?

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Dr. Freud knew what this was about.

  • JustPretendImNotHere

    So a New Orleans Saints fan named Lee Dragna has sued the team demanding a refund for his season tickets because…wait for it…the players protested by taking a knee during the National Anthem.

    http://www.theadvocate.com/new_orleans/news/courts/article_058789be-df62-11e7-bde4-177192350293.html

    • mancityRed6

      “He said he spent about $8,000 on the tickets, which are about 25 rows back on the 20-yard line.”
      well, there’s your problem

    • mackafritz

      I know if I go to a football game it’s to see the players standing for the national anthem.

    • mancityRed6

      also, there is no rule about standing.
      do a search for “nfl rulebook” and google will bring back an extension about “A62-A63”.
      it’s fake.
      http://www.kansascity.com/sports/spt-columns-blogs/for-petes-sake/article175221581.html

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    How Did Trump Family Survive All This Time Without People Reminding Them To Breathe?

    Okay, folks, this is not rocket surgery.

    See, here’s how it works. You need to breath to get oxygen. If you don’t breathe, you don’t get oxygen. Now, your brain needs oxygen. So, if you don’t breath, your brain does not get oxygen. This makes your brain unhappy. An unhappy brain will stop thinking and rather quickly die. That’s why you breathe. To keep your brain happy.

    So, you ask how the Trump family survive because they are too stupid to breathe? It’s quite simple really. Just observe them for a while. It should be pretty clear that Trump family people are so stupid that you could surmise that they don’t have brains, right? There’s your solution. Trump people don’t need to be reminded to breath because they don’t have brains to be kept from being unhappy.

    Q.E.fucking.D, people!

    • WIDTAP

      “oxygen”? That science stuff is for Dems. In the Republican party you breath because of Jesus Ether.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I stand corrected.

        The ether does not hurt them because they don’t breath because stupid!

      • Kateaux

        Oxygen’s for losers. (That’s Craig Ferguson, btw, as Lister’s Confidence.)

        https://youtu.be/Ek5uZQ24G6Q?t=154

        • Meccalopolis

          Love love love that show

    • keinsignal

      The idea that the Trump family is actually some species of fungus makes a hell of a lot of sense now that you mention.

      • Trip Space-Parasite

        FUNGUS LIBELZ!

    • Clark_Nova

      Perhaps they descend from anaerobic slime rather than the usual aerobic sort.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Deep sea hot volcanic vent Trumps. Seems reasonable.

      • Rags

        Archaebacteria libelz!

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Deep sea hot volcanic vent slime Trumps.

  • The Wanderer

    1. This is why I vote in person. I have voted absentee, but I like to actually feed the ballot into the scanner myself. Sort of old-fashioned that way.

    2. I enjoyed Rosenstein basically telling the GOP screechers to fuck the fuck off.

    3. Trump forgetting his own damned birthdate could be a sign that the brain bubbles are starting up.

    • You know there’s no cosmic justice when they (#3) come for Terry Pratchett years before Trump.

    • mancityRed6

      in ’10, I didn’t have a choice. I was out of town that week. I had to vote early.
      and often.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        with votes!

    • Blackest Noobs

      as if the tweeting didn’t already point to brain bubbles, and oh yeah, the constant lying, to name a few contributors

    • onedollarjuana

      Washington State has mail-in ballots. And no voter/voting fraud cases.

      Of course, we are on the West coast, and fairly sane.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      It’s one of the things they ask you when you’ve had a stroke.

  • Mary Theresa
    • Kateaux

      That otter looks exactly like the actor Wallace Shawn.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        IN CON CEIVABLE!

  • GoutMachine

    Got his own birthday wrong, eh? Guess we should ask for his birth certificate.

    • Mary Theresa

      Long form.

      • Daniel

        Shorthand.

    • WIDTAP

      Word is that he only has a birth certificate from a Jamaican Hospital.

    • Jeffocaster in the East

      Baron Von Frankenstein would only provide a Certificate of Origin.

    • Nockular cavity

      I believe this calls for some epic trolling by a certain President Barack Obama.

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      It’s probably better in the original German.

    • Clark_Nova

      Clear sign of advancing dementia.

  • Mary Theresa
    • Swampgas_Man

      Didn’t Norma Jean die that way?

  • BadKitty904

    And let’s not so quickly forget this morning’s news from Alabama…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a1223e7dd5a68a5e9b437c2dcef7c0ae9dd1550dc756066c477e3e28d3e33d4e.jpg

    • weejee

      Indeed.

      • armed_bears

        I do not believe Ronnie Van Zant, Steve Gaines or Cassie Gaines died for this.

        • RMKH

          I’d rather they played Free Bird

          • armed_bears

            Sorry, as identified in earlier thread, this song now called Free Brid.

        • Clark_Nova

          If not for this, then WHAT???

          • armed_bears

            Busch Lite for the pilots, as I recall.

          • armed_bears

            Or, according to Steven Tyler, Jack Daniels.

  • Travalanche

    The victory last night definitely makes it a little easier to laugh at The Gang Who Couldn’t Vote Straight here

    2018 might just be a good year

    • BadKitty904

      Only if WE make is so, but yes! Yesterday proved it CAN be done!

      • Travalanche

        Oh trust me, I know the work it’ll take. I also know I probably won’t spend much time at home next year with all the races and issues that’ll be cropping up

        • Clark_Nova

          Your ratfuckery score is not good after what you did to Al Franken for Stone, Pelosi and Perez.

          By YOU I mean the party I used to belong to.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Gettin a pizza at the local artisanal pizza joint, drinkin wine, life is good.

    Hope you other Wonkefarians are havin a good evening.

    • BadKitty904

      Sweet taters in the oven, greens simmering on the stove, fixin’ to feed the kitties before I start my cornbread….

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Southren culinary action!

        • BadKitty904

          Yeah, buddy!

    • RMKH

      Making chili relleno casserole for tomorrow’s breakfast potluck and ornament exchange at work. Going to be all I can do not to eat it tonight.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Mild chili and something called faro, tastes kinda like a rissoto.

      • weighmaster

        Made chili relleno casserole and carnitas for dinner last night, yum.

    • Werewolf

      Chicken, latkes and sautéed spinach.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Roasted brussels sprouts with bacon and pine nuts.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Approve.

  • Blackest Noobs

    ooooh wonkette, i believe they hire someone to do that…remind them to breathe.

    i hear they hired these guys

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO0nfoV771s

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      Faahhhkkk yes.. wore the grooves right off this one back in the day.

  • Squeegee

    Jared should start collecting tips from his dad on how to survive prison as a prison wife.

  • (((Sedagive)))

    Ladies and gentlemen, the Master Race.

    • TJ Barke

      These are people that actually believe and have told others that they are genetically superior. Yup.

    • redarmyzombie

      It could make you cry…

      • (((Sedagive)))

        Laughing, crying, smashing things with a hammer – I don’t even know anymore.

      • Blackest Noobs

        totally not related but i heard that new star wars might make you cry.

        • (((Sedagive)))

          I cried during the two most recent ones, and I wasn’t even emotionally invested in Star Wars.

        • redarmyzombie

          Oh god, seeing Carrie Fisher might do it by itself…

          • Roadstergal

            I’m getting misty just thinking about it. Fuck.

          • Blackest Noobs

            oooh yeah…there’s that too.

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      Kids on Big Wheels are faster.

  • OrG

    Maybe they could give voting lessons to all republicans.

    • Blackest Noobs

      they kinda did….with them not showing up to vote. just like the Trumps.

  • Blackest Noobs

    you won’t hear about this on the fake media, but apparently Sassy the Horse actually won the Alabama special election BUT Alabama being Alabama said they could not have a horse be their senator because she might vote for health care and other socialistic shite.

    • altleftjohn

      Horses are notorious for their liberal bias.

      • Kateaux

        It is widely-known that the reason the Roman Empire eventually fell can be traced back to Incitatus’ appointment to the Senate by Caligula.

        P.S. Every part of the above statement is true, accurate, and correct.

        • ltmcdies

          receipts please

      • Msgr_MΩment

        And have much more horse sense than their R colleagues.

      • Even more so for their NAY votes.

    • Blanche de Shambles
      • weejee

        Sister Caligula is that you?

        • ltmcdies

          I miss John Hurt

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      Having a horse in a republican controlled Senate would be a good thing.
      “Why?”, you ask.
      Because you can always count on them to vote neigh.

  • Baconzgood

    It’s worth seeing the video Inbedded on this. Especially the 48 second mark where he can only blink at a question asked him.

    https://crooksandliars.com/2017/12/moore-spox-crushed-when-jake-tapper

  • SeeTrainOffTheRails

    OT: Patton Oswalt’s brother is just as funny.
    https://twitter.com/MattOswaltVA/status/940786882492825600

    • Lance Thrustwell

      He is funny! I want to see him in something. Or writing for something, or something.

    • specialcircumstances

      lolz!

  • Crystalclear12

    To me all of this just seems so much worse because he followed Obama.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    OT: Speaking of assholes, here’s the new Woody Woodpecker movie trailer!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHzTLDP4o_Q

    • therblig

      poor Timothy Omundson, direct to dvd garbage movie AND a stroke.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Wait. Alabama is a band AND a state?

    • Joe Beese

      They’re touring this summer on a triple bill with Boston and Chicago.

      • JustDon’tSayMoore

        Couldn’t get Asia, huh?

        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          They’re touring in Kansas.

        • Joe Beese

          They’re touring with Europe.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Performing in 25 or 6 to 4

      • armed_bears

        I thought we were going with Creed and Nickleback.

        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          YOU MONSTER

        • JustDon’tSayMoore

          Do not want

    • weejee

      And a sportzbawl team of some sort.

    • Me not sure

      … and one hell of a sweet home.

      • Gosala

        Sure is if you like heat, humidity, poverty, patriarchy, christianism, racism and ignorance.

        • Me not sure

          Hookworms and pellagra, you left out hookworms and pellagra.

          • Clark_Nova

            And chiggers and ticks.

          • Gosala

            High infant mortality, short life expectancy, high incarceration rates, high rates of addiction.

            I left those out too, also

    • Msgr_MΩment

      And kansas is a band and a failed state.

  • Joe Beese
    • Resistor Radio

      Psst- we hate *those* white women too

    • Gosala

      So often #NotAllWhatever means #NotMe.

    • Roadstergal

      We done fucked up twice in a row. Once with Trump, once with ‘Bammy. I don’t know how to fix it. :(

  • Gosala

    Mein Herrn und Frauen, mesdames et messieurs, ladies and gentlemen:

    Last night, on the first night of Hanukkah, the people of Alabama in their wisdom turned backed a pedophilic theocrat.

    Tonight, on the second night, It’s about the neis (miracle).

    Introducing the Maccabeats:

    https://youtu.be/2wi1H3UnKhk

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
    • Resistor Radio

      You did not give an earworm warning! Cruel! Oh god, someone give my a song to cleanse Meghan Trainor from my brain!

    • armed_bears

      OK. so thank you for this. A mitzvah, for sure.

    • proudgrampa

      They seem Neis!

      • Gosala

        ISWYDT!

  • Swampgas_Man

    Given these lumpbrains, isn’t it more likely they handed the task off to some low flunky?

    • Travalanche

      Huh. And here I thought there was a name for that sort of thing…

      Fr…fra…frank?

      Frog?

      Frisbee!

      • jesterpunk

        Silly libtard, that only applies when women or minorities vote for democrats. (Did I do that right?)

  • proudgrampa

    Roll on, Alabama!

    https://youtu.be/fYtJIFVxQXY

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Indigo Tide

  • Jgb979

    I’m utterly utterly shocked Melania didn’t vote for Donald Trump correctly.

    It’s almost like she knew most of all how much of a bad idea that would be.

  • ltmcdies

    so….is it the inheriting of vast wealth that makes one stupid the problem itself or is the gene pool vast wealth comes from that deadens the mind

    how the hell can one screw up an absentee ballot in a god damn White House full of lawyers and pols…

    how does that happen.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Jared:. But we are royalty now… we’re still doing this sham democracy thing?

    • RobKanC

      He probably fancies himself as Prince Albert

      • Gosala

        I’m fine with Prince Albert if he’s in the can

  • jaspersdad

    I hope that two important lessons sink in for Americans today:

    1. If you want to have a say, you have to show up.

    2. If people show up, conservatives lose.

    Conservative power on this continent rests almost entirely on the fact that conservatives almost always show up, and the rest of us are so complacent we let them do what they want to do. What the real proportion of conservative people in the USA is I don’t know, but I’m willing to be it is no more than a third.

    • mancityRed6

      ^^this

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        times one million. I seem to remember something like 28-30% but that’s from years ago.

    • Canada has to remember this as well in our upcoming election rounds

      • jaspersdad

        The voting percentage in Canada for Cons stays relatively the same election to election. Last election the Liberals showed up, plus there was some strategic voting, which was anything but Harper.

        • It’ll help if Scheer keeps being WannnabeTwitler, but i’m not sure it’ll help enough

          • jaspersdad

            If Scheer weren’t so incompetent I’d be worried. Hitching his wagon to the Rebel will only hurt him no matter how much he claims his staff members are no longer affiliated.

          • Singh is interesting, but if the Dippers couldn’t pull off seating a government with Layton, they aren’t going to do it in my lifetime

          • ltmcdies

            I feel that way too. If Layton had lived he might have given Trudeau a run for his money but ….we’ll never know.

          • jaspersdad

            I like Singh, but he’ll never appeal to voters in Quebec, not even in Montreal.

        • ltmcdies

          and this time around the Cons and NDP have leaders who aren’t the strongest.

          plus Scheer is fucking idiot who’s decided to go Trump lite.

          and did what has that got him.

          the lost of safe Con seat in BC..that’s what

          • jaspersdad

            Have you seen his ads. Fucking Forrest Gump, except whiter.

          • I a m so glad i don’t have cable anymore

          • ltmcdies

            I also got rid of the cable and have spared any Scheer intrusions up til now.

    • Jamoche

      Complacent or, if brown, actively discouraged.

    • BadKitty904
    • Courser_Resistance

      We need to get Vote by Mail in every goddamn state. We have it in Colorado and you register to vote when you get your driver’s license. Pretty much does away with all the voter ID bullshit. Or a State ID (which is not very difficult in this state).

      Obviously this isn’t the total solution, but it would sure make a big dent.

      • efoveks

        AND you manage to legalize the weed. For fun! I’ve never been, but Colorado sounds fucking awesome.

        Also too, South Park! :)

        • WotsAllThisThen
        • jaspersdad

          Weed will be legal in Canada nationwide by next summer. They’re hammering out the details right now.

          • Blackest Noobs

            im moving

        • Courser_Resistance

          Super-low unemployment also too! And Denver just approved almost $1B in bonds to improve our infrastructure on all levels. New rec centers, trails, transportation options.

          It really is pretty awesome. Now if we could just solve our housing issues.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            And your inversion issues.

      • DrBigHead

        Even bright Red Arizona has vote by mail. I see no rational reason not to.

        • King Beauregard

          I am aware of exactly one problem with voting by mail: it allows other family members to fill in the ballot for you, or to coerce you into voting their way. There are some households where that would be a problem.

          Mind you, I think we’re still better off with Vote By Mail. Just mentioning the one problem I’m aware of.

          • Shirley

            Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
            On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            fm469d:
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      • King Beauregard

        Vote by Mail would be nice, but it does not address the problem that the Left doesn’t like to vote.

        I live in Ohio, where voting by mail is pretty easy: fill out an application to vote by mail, then they send you a ballot. A lot of Lefties still stay home.

        The culture of the Left is the problem, all these chumps who look for excuses not to vote. I still haven’t heard a single one of them apologize for sitting out 2016, voting third party, or trying to persuade others not to back Hillary.

      • TundraGrifter

        Isn’t most (all?) Oregon voting by mail now?

    • Clark_Nova

      That would fit in with the fact that 30% of Americans have IQ’s below 75.

      • SeeTrainOffTheRails

        Best possible version I could find on YouTube.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1Y9xCxO8jg

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I don’t think that’s the real problem. The real problem is that 70% of Americans have an IQ between 85 and 115, which means they are smart enough to fill in the voter registration application form, but not smart enough to think independently.

        • Wait. 100 is the median IQ by definition. So what you’re saying is that, by definition, less than half the population are “smart enough to think independently”?

          If so, democracy was always bullshit and we should have stuck with aristocracy.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            This is the very argument that aristocracy used to block efforts to extend the franchise to the common people – that they weren’t intelligent enough to use it wisely. Once all men had the vote, they used that same argument to prevent women from voting. But there are other variables, such as education, the dominance of one particular religious philosophy, and the prevalence of mass advertising that also negatively impact people’s ability to think independently about political choices. I would really like to see the US adopt the UK system of limiting the amount of money a candidate can spend on a campaign, and also limiting the amount of time they can spend campaigning.

            The more education a person gets, the more they learn to think independently, which is why the far right is currently so critical of universities. Home schooling is most popular among a segment of the population that does not want their children exposed to alternative realities.

          • SkinlessGenderlessMan

            Was this the same European aristocracy that intermarried ’til the family tree looked like an aspen if you squinted a bit?

            Inbreeding can lead to retention of bad recessives and literal idiocy.

            Interesting theory about how the ruling class is smarter, but it doesn’t look like it works in real life….

          • Angela Ruzzo

            It became received wisdom – they had been the smart ones 600 years earlier, the ones mean enough and clever enough to accumulate all the land and money, so they thought by marrying each other they would retain these abilities and keep all the brains, land and money in the family. They kept the land and money, but lost the brains. The Hapsburgs were notorious for doing this, and they ended up producing drooling idiots by the 19th century.

            King Louis XIV of France only made one serious, irreversible mistake in his life – he married his double first cousin, a Spanish princess. Her father had married Louis’ paternal aunt, and Louis’ father had married her paternal aunt, which made them “double.” Most of their children died young, and the one surviving son was an amiable fool. Louis had his eye on inheriting the Spanish throne for one of his descendants, which he achieved at the price of his descendants’ health and intelligence.

          • SkinlessGenderlessMan

            Thank you! This is why I really love Wonkette….

          • Angela Ruzzo

            You’re welcome. British royalty managed to avoid the curse of inbreeding for centuries because their small, island country was not considered important enough or rich enough for families like the Hapsburgs to marry into frequently. Henry VII achieved a HUGE coup by obtaining a Spanish princess – the daughter of Ferdinand and Isabella – for his son in 1501. But then the Hanoverians inherited the throne of England in 1715, and they had been marrying their cousins for a long time, and they continued their long-standing practice of marrying into various German royal houses that they were already related to for the next 200 years, which did not improve the line. George VI broke with tradition by marrying a “commoner” in 1923 – Lady Elizabeth Bowes Lyon, the daughter of the Scottish Earl of Strathmore (the late Queen Mum), but this was OK because he was not the heir to the throne at the time.

          • Naytch

            You could sell it like salary caps in pro sports. Keeps teams competitive.

    • nightmoth

      I gotta say it—hope it’s not fightin’ words, but I’ve now been through Ralph Nader AND Bernie Sanders AND Jill Stein so please, people—shoot your fucking purity ponies! Third parties are useful for moving the mainstream parties in one direction or another but they do not win at the finish line.

      • jowgajen

        Ralph Nader libelz!

        Besides you forgot Ross Perot.

        • nightmoth

          Nice guys finish last.

        • nightmoth

          Oh, dear–poor Ross: “that giant sucking sound you hear” —and he was right!

      • jaspersdad

        You have to find a way to mend your fences. No crazy is too crazy for the GOP, they are united and they will take advantage of divisions of the centre/centre left.

    • hudson

      apathy is the worst. one way or the other fucking go out and vote man.

    • dieselox

      Honestly? We BARELY beat a pro- SLAVERY asshole who fucks children. The fact that he got about half the votes, and not single digit percentages, is truly astonishing.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        I would say disheartening.

      • mancityRed6

        in Alabama? this would be a different story in another state, but ALABAMA?

        • dieselox

          Yeah, I guess. My 16yo took issue with this too. “Remember, in Alabama it’s pretty normal to fuck children, and your family. So it is a big deal.”

          Glad we cleared that up.

    • arglebargle

      As Jon Stewart said, the country is run by extremists because moderates have shit to do.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Damn we do miss you Joe. Not tears not tears you’re tears…

    https://youtu.be/3Sa8G-VR13Q

    • Blackest Noobs

      this mutherfucker should be fucking President…

      • Blackest Noobs

        goddamn it…and he speaks and empathizes like a normal fucking human being…but instead we got this whiny rich boy who NEVER did anything altruistic in his life, never earned anything like Diamond Joe there!!!

    • efoveks

      This just makes me want to give hugs all around.

      ( Also too: who invited the onion ninjas???)

    • ltmcdies

      I’m not crying…your crying.

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        Aw, fuck it….we’re all crying.

    • BadKitty904

      Damn it, Joe…

      • Proud Liberal

        I wish he would have run for president.

        • jowgajen

          No, he’d be a terrible Presidential candidate. He was known for his major gaffes before his second term as VP. He was chosen as being not a political threat to Obama for a reason. Also, he has an entire career as a Senator to be picked apart — and a lot of women are not happy with what he did to Anita Hill. So while he’s doing great as an avuncular source of wisdom late in life, that’s not the whole story of Joe Biden.

          • OrdinaryJoe

            Fuckit. He’s Churchill compared to DotardUS. But even so, and while I think he’d bring some decency to the presidency, I believe the Dems need to go back to the under 50 age demo for the next candidate they pick for POTUS. Time has passed us olds by and the kids need to be the ones making their future for themselves.

    • schmannity

      Wow

  • Me not sure

    Another entry in the “Things in an Envelope That Can be Fucked Up Hall of Fame.” https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3eb7103cd8fecfaf80106bc575b68c4cd41ac68889d8527786e1e79cdf0a0071.jpg

    • ltmcdies

      I’m sorry but this really is my all time fave Oscar moment

      • calliecallie

        Not to indulge in conspiracy theories, but I truly believe this whole thing was orchestrated. Remember how aghast we were when Trump stole the presidency just a few months before? I believe this mistaken award announcement was a pointed piece of performance art, intended to make everyone watching feel that again (or for the first time). Not sure Warren was in on it, though.

        I mean, it’s the Oscars. An accident on that scale doesn’t just happen. And the Price Waterhouse guys did not get fired. Just saying.

    • jesterpunk

      Has Hillary apologized yet?

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    The leader of the free world gets stumped by the tough questions. Like the month he was born. Jesus wept.

    Why yes, I did just come home with a fresh fifth of bourbon. Why do you ask?

    • BadKitty904

      Would you like a straw?

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        IV drip would probably be a better idea.

    • Jamoche
    • notaten

      My dad had dementia, to the point where he thought it was 1954, (in 2012), but he always remembered his birthday and his service number. I discovered this afternoon that I have an unopened bottle of Tito’s vodka, and I am a drinking it right now. Dad would be thrilled to know that he is smarter than Trump.

      • BeachLoafer

        Your bottle of vodka is smarter than Trump

      • My Tito’s bottles are only unopened prior to my purchasing them.

        • notaten

          Yeah, mine too usually. I moved this summer, then went through a depression period, so I just unpacked my liquor today. Crazy, I know.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        My dad was the same. In 2007 he thought it was 1936. He forgot my mother, he forgot his children, but he always remembered his birthday and his birthplace and his parent’s names and his siblings’ names.

    • BeachLoafer

      The bottle of gin I bought yesterday is already empty, I think liquor distributors may want to start upping the sizes …

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar
    • BadKitty904

      Good.

    • Blackest Noobs

      probably because he knows now he’s fucking next.

      hey there, Ted, you’re fucking next….to lose your seat.

    • ltmcdies

      well….that…is….tragic.

      • efoveks

        I admire your ability to get that out with a straight face.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Hey Ted, inconsolable THIS!

  • notaten

    I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, so vodka it is!

  • Christopher Story

    I’m so physically and emotionally drained. So much bourbon. So much weed. So much whooping and hollering.

    • Proud Liberal

      Damn. Yesterday was awesome!!!!

      • Christopher Story

        It was! I’m still spontaneously whooping around my house. It’s starting to irritate my Beautiful.

        • Proud Liberal

          It was a very exciting election! I was screaming because I was so happy and my dog ran and hid. LOL.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Isn’t it glorious?

      • Christopher Story

        Best sleep I’ve had since Trump became president.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      We’re a little less fucked today than yesterday.

  • Zonath

    I guess this is why Republicans hate vote by mail so much: it penalizes dumbasses.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Or another way to look at it: it rewards basic competence.

  • WIDTAP

    John McCain back in the hospital. Don’t think I can express anything about that better that OHJB:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Sa8G-VR13Q

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      Saw this live this AM. Fucking onions.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Fuck. That makes me feel for Meghan & I don’t want to….

    • TJ Barke

      Fuck him. He votes for the tax disaster he can burn in hell.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Don’t worry Megs, your Dad will get the best treatment money can buy so he still has time to vote 13 million people off their health insurance. Yeah.

    • JustPretendImNotHere

      “Uncle Joe” is a national treasure and a better person than I.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Cancer sucks.

      • paxpax

        It does. Lost a friend 10 years younger than me to cancer yesterday morning. Driving from Chicago to Chattanooga Friday for the funeral Saturday.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          I am so sorry to hear that. I lost a friend to cancer a few years ago as well – she was 56, and a year younger than me. It’s heart breaking.

  • calliecallie

    Is it reassuring or frightening that Barron is likely the most competent one in that family?

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      Well, he can do the cyber, the cyber. So there’s that.

    • efoveks

      Somehow, I feel this kid’s going to go his own way. You gotta watch out for the quiet ones. They watch and observe everything, taking it all in like a sponge. I feel he’s a bright kid, and I think he’ll surprise us all by making his own path. The one who will be in fits at that point, assuming he is even still alive, will be his dad. Anyway, just IMHO.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Mount Gay & keep them coming! Alas, poor Satire, we hardly knew ye!….

    • TundraGrifter

      Eclipse or Sugar Cane?

      • BeachLoafer

        Eclipse, FTW, always – it goes with everything, and especially well with this presidency!

        • proudgrampa

          Sorry, don’t know my rums. Is Eclipse a dark rum?

          • hendenburg2

            Nope. It’s a light gold color. Either it has color added, or it was aged for a very short period.

          • proudgrampa

            Ah. Thank you.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        I go for the Eclipse – you’re on your own. I sip it with lime and ice. Lime, of course, is life itself….

        • hendenburg2

          Try adding ginger beer.

          Also, I tend to like Kirk & Sweeney, and Malahat (though Malahat isn’t aged).

  • DainBramage

    Finally, TV news told us something worth knowing.
    https://twitter.com/KOCOdamonlane/status/941081689031397383

    • eyelashviper

      My brother lived in Alaska for several years and told me stories about how some dimwits went out snowmobiling in subzero weather, and then took swigs of their liquor from their flasks, basically freezing their esophagus, with very bad results.

      • hendenburg2

        Everyone knows that the ONLY acceptable place to store liquor during winter is in a small wooden barrel strapped to the neck of a St. Bernard

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        Flask goes in the inside pocket, folks….

        • eyelashviper

          Darwin awards in progress.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I can attest from personal experience that if your beer accidentally freezes solid because you put it in the freezer to get cold and then forgot about it, it will taste just fine when you thaw it out, but this works best if the beer is in bottles and not cans. Also, if you put a bottle or can of beer into the freezer to get cold and then forget about it, it will not blow up as bottles or cans of soda will. Bottles of wine also taste just fine after thawing, and also do not blow up, but I have no information about champagne or liquor.

      • DainBramage

        I see we have a scientist in our midst. Thank you for publishing your data.

      • Suttree

        I have actually had a few glass bottles break in the fridge. Not often, but it still happens.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          This happened to me once with a bottle of wine that had a screw-on lid. I can personally guarantee it will never happen with a bottle of Corona.

          • Suttree

            Hehe. I hate Corona with a passion, so I’ll take your word for it. It has happened with Bud though. I remember every time! Cleaning frozen beer out sucks!

      • I usually store my vodka in the freezer. My favorite tequila has a weird cap and is hard to open if I do that though. Neither one freezes though.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          That makes sense. According to the handy chart above, your freezer is 25 degrees or so too warm for that.

  • Johnny Appleseed

    Very funny article. Highly amusing.

    We’ve almost survived one year of this bumblefest, so far. Hopefully, the stylish “Trump Wing at Leavenworth” is ready for occupancy. Mr. Mueller, your up…

  • William

    Looks like Gov. Dayton is appointing Tina Smith to replace Al Franken

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Good call. She’s re-electable, in MN. And smart and reasonably progressive.

  • Poly_Ester

    The first time I voted I was away at school and voted via absentee ballot. It was 1968, you may remember the featured match was Tricky Dick vs the Hump giving this 21 year old with a student deferment the choice of supporting either the Rep or Dem escalation plan, I didn’t know if my ballot would count if I didn’t vote in every contest so I selected the Socialist Labor ticket for Pres/Veep. The next day I got an angry call from my father, “How could you vote Socialist Labor?” Me “how do you know who I voted for, its a secret ballot?” I turned out that the precinct captain, a Bircher, opened each absentee ballot and announced who the voter had voted for so my vote “could be recorded.” I continued to vote for the Socialist Labor candidates for U of I Trustee until they made Trustee an appointed position rather than an elected one.

    • efoveks

      Wow. That is both funny AND scary. And good for you, you rebel! I’m not sure I would have had that kind of courage. :)

      • Poly_Ester

        Didn’t expect to get called out, secret ballot after all…

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    They’re in charge of the executive branch. The very one they’re sitting on while the try to cut it off.

  • amrak63

    Pain in your eyes
    Makes me cruel
    Makes me spiteful
    Tears are delightful
    Welcome your nightfall
    HOW WINTER KILLS

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fzc30bJJJmI

  • Suttree

    That is fucking hilarious! Too stupid to vote. That is the pretzeldent and his family.

    • BadKitty904

      Thank, GOP!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ah — it finally makes sense why Assmouth thinks he’s a genius — look who he’s been comparing himself to.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar
  • The Wanderer

    If only we had a Malcolm Tucker to ‘tell it like it is’ to Trump:

    “Not only have you got a fucking bent family with a fucking daughter that gets taken to work in a fucking sedan chair, you’re also fucking mental. Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you fuck up.”

    — paraphrased from The Thick of It

    • Odd Jørgensen

      His character on that show has to be one of the all time greats on TV. his description of Star wars is epic.
      https://youtu.be/Cg-pnGFbwMQ

  • Paperless Tiger

    Then they all got on Twitter and commenced to admit crimes.

  • altleftjohn

    Votez? les serviteurs feront cela pour nous.

  • Suttree

    So second day at work was another good day. The shop kitty is awesome! She is a little tiny full grown tortie. Maybe 5-6 lbs? Sweet as can be! She likes ham but doesn’t like swiss. When you pet her and she starts to purr, she sticks the tip of her tongue out! Then when she gets all into it and starts rubbing her head on your hand, she drools on you. :)

    • topless exclamation

      sounds like an excerpt from the Steele dossier

      • Odd Jørgensen

        “they would stroke the poor pussy until it drooled all over the place. Even in the newly made bed.”

    • chascates

      I believe office felines lead to higher productivity and lower stress.

      • BadKitty904

        Our office cat, Winston, certainly does. As well as helps staff maintain their diets by eating anything leftover and/or not locked in desks,

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I have two Torties. Everyone told me they are “difficult” but they must be mistaken, because both of mine are sweetie pies.

      • Suttree

        Awwwie! I don’t know what it is, but torties always love me and lick me. I must have a very good salt content seeping out of my pores. It might have something to do with my heart melting every time I see one.

    • SDGeoff3

      Now that is charming.

      • Suttree

        hehe! I like the job as is, but adding a kitty to the mixture is awesome! She is about his size. I have not taken any pictures of the tortie yet. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b36ca41289a97c9f7d067c17c1190592a583345e2d588699cc388b47ecf6b47c.jpg

        • SDGeoff3

          I can hardly stand it. And so far the job seems like a good fit?

          • Suttree

            Yes it does. They actually hired a dude from Louisiana today. We had a stupid conversation about a brewery that I had no idea existed. He will be the one other (besides myself) who isn’t Latino. . Don’t get me wrong, I like not being included in the conversation. :)

          • SDGeoff3

            Being out of conversation can keep one out of trouble. You’ll be amazed at how much Spanish you will begin to understand.

          • Suttree

            Hehe. I really like that this shop is rather quiet. No music and no bullshitting. Everyone just does their job.

  • Red Bird

    Random thoughts. I’m behind on my sappy Christmas movie watching schedule. Probably have to pull double duty tonight just to catch up. Where would we be without The Hallmark Channel?

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      My mother, bless her heart, she just turned 89, loves her some hallmark channel.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Killing the insurance mandate and lowering the tax rate by 2% for people will save the middle class according to my favorite forehead. He was just on the teevee machine news propoganda.

    https://www.toomey.senate.gov/files/images/toomeyofficialportrait.jpg

    • yyyaz

      All these Vichy-can old white douchecanoes look lie the same to me.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Yeah, I noticed that. They all look like that kid in 10th grade who had no friends and spent all his spare time in the library or the computer lab and who showed up one day with a gun and killed 38 people.

      • BadKitty904

        Though I find the tendency for oddly shaped heads amongst Republicans fascinating…

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      Pat Scroo-Me-Too (mey?)

  • President in Exile Firefly

    This proves the need for Kris Kobach’s vote fraud commission.

  • Mary Theresa
    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      what? Rhinestone and Polyester got demoted?

      • SeeTrainOffTheRails

        Diamonique didn’t stand a chance.

    • topless exclamation

      I read “fired” several times and “resigned” a couple of times. I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

      • Paperless Tiger

        “Physically ejected” caught my eye.

    • Suttree

      She is too friendly with April Ryan and unfortunately didn’t set up a meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus for him.

  • topless exclamation

    got his own birthday wrong?! how is that possible for someone so focused on himself?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      Not his fault. Mattis tells him today is his birthday anytime he needs to distract him from bad news.

    • Mary Theresa

      Vanity? Lying about his age?

      • BadKitty904

        Dumb as a sack o’ hammers?

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        Well, he’s been lying about his weight and his height.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      When you are an extreme narcissist, every day is your birthday!

      • Odd Jørgensen

        Any excuse to have festive cake every day, with people singing your name as they present it to you.

        • topless exclamation

          …and two scoops!

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Sometime he feels like it’s in May, other times August, and other times on the 4th of July, and so on. It really depends on how he is feeling?

    • Suttree

      “Today is my birthday motherfuckers! Where’s my cheesecake!”
      -Turnip every three days

    • SadDemInTex

      Has likely shaved a few years off it for so long he forgot what his real birth year was.

    • Panika MCD

      we need to see his birth certificate to settle this.

      • topless exclamation

        CNN (I think) played clips of Trump from way back when talking about ‘his people’ in Hawaii doing their investigation. He repeatedly said, “they can’t believe what they’re finding.” Now at the time, in context, it sounded like he was suggesting some big scandal. But now it seems they all really thought Obama was a foreigner and couldn’t believe it when they saw his actual birth certificate.

        • Panika MCD

          but DJT’s birth certificate is in NY not HI…?

    • Spurning Beer

      He confused June and July. I assume the ballot wanted his birthdate in numerals, so either:
      a) Donald’s very good brain doesn’t have the months memorized, or
      b) he was exaggerating, and figured that 07 was better than 06 for a birth month

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      Maybe Omarosa filled it out for him, because she has no other real job there.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    WOOPS.

    I think maybe Cornel West has some ‘splaining to do about how he never noticed that his Obama hate buddy Has Issues.

    https://twitter.com/gdanielholloway/status/941086950940745728

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      Mister self-righteous arrogance himself has a closet full of skeletons? you don’t say!

      • Suttree

        IKR. I never like Tavis. His whole show is him making points over the guest.

        • Anne Of Green Bagels

          He reminds me of Doctor Phil.

          • altleftjohn

            Oprah has a lot to answer for.

          • Anne Of Green Bagels

            where do you even begin? Derp-ak Chopra is number two on the list.

        • Cat Cafe

          Entitlement ALWAYS shines through as a dominant (and dominating) feature. I swear, we could probably name exactly whose names will come up next.

          • Suttree

            IDK. I’m still shocked about Garrison. WTF!

          • Cat Cafe

            I never liked him!! He always seemed really full of himself!

    • yyyaz

      Can we have Bill Moyers back now?

    • Panika MCD

      it’s LTC West and I’ve come to believe that a lot of his stupid shit is performance art.

    • Beezelbubbles

      Why is ‘Tavis Smiley’ in scare quotes?

      • SDGeoff3

        And who the hell is Daniel Holloway?

      • Carpe Vagenda

        I think he produces the show, so they’re suspending it, not him.

    • Ellie

      Oh, damn..I’m tired of this. I don’t want to read any more about men being assholes. Could they please stop now?

  • Gosala

    Today has been a remarkably bad day, and it’s not over yet.

    What’s been getting me through it is the thought, “The Asshole LOST!”

    ¿Does that make me a bad person?

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω

      Nyet.

    • (((Sedagive)))

      Sorry to hear it.

      It is right and good to drink the tears of your enemies, if your enemies are total assholes intent on destroying your country and your planet.

    • altleftjohn

      No. It makes you a person.

    • Ruth Serafini

      I have been dealing with the stupids at work and also my own PMS… yeah, I’ve pretty much been getting through the day re-reading the Wonkette comment celebration of Doug Jones’s victory. You are not alone.

    • BadKitty904

      That makes you a patriotic American.

      • Gosala

        Patriotic. I’ve never thought of myself as patriotic. America disappoints me so.

        • BadKitty904

          Anyone who genuinely loves this country is deeply disappointed and unhappy right now. The key is working to fix that.

    • Granny Sprinkles

      Bad people throw the most interesting parties.

      • Gosala

        Granny! How you been? I haven’t heard from you for the longest time.

        • Granny Sprinkles

          I’m great! Thanks for asking!

          I’m still around all the time, but maybe I lurk more than I used to.

    • Cat Cafe

      Not at all. Because what you’re really celebrating is RIGHTEOUSNESS WON and thus there is hope for us as a country.

  • topless exclamation

    did they vote elsewhere? And if so, does an ineligible ballot override the fraud connected to voting in more than one location?

  • Joe Beese

    PBS has suspended late-night talk show “Tavis Smiley” amid misconduct allegations against its host and namesake. …

    The investigation found that Smiley had engaged in sexual relationships with multiple subordinates. Some witnesses interviewed expressed concern that their employment status was linked to the status of a sexual relationship with Smiley. In general, they described Smiley as creating a verbally abusive and threatening environment that went beyond what could be expected in a typical high-pressure work environment. Several expressed concerns about retaliation.

    http://variety.com/2017/tv/news/tavis-smiley-pbs-1202639424/

  • SeeTrainOffTheRails

    Dear Roy:

    Time to sit the fuck down.

    Roy Moore Probably Isn’t Going To Get That Recount He Wants

    http://www.politicususa.com/2017/12/13/roy-moore-recount.html

    • LosFelizGuy

      Good!

    • DainBramage

      I thought he was waiting for God to recount the votes.

      • Gosala

        Gods busy. Tax audit and all.

    • BadKitty904

      I’m sure the few sane Repugs left aren’t too heartbroken that this PR disaster isn’t going to be sitting next to them in the Senate…

  • Panika MCD

    CHOOSE PANIKA’S ADVENTURE:

    I got it in my head that the beer tasting my friend was putting on tonight started at 5 pm and in reality it starts at 7:30 pm. Calliope Jane is with me and we’ve already done a spin through PetCo. I’m about a mile from home and I don’t have my computer to sit down and write you a thingy about all the FEMA fuckery I learned about today. do I….?:

    A) go sit at the nearby covfefe establishment and read the new Jeffrey Eugenides book.

    2) take CJ home and come back

    iii) go home and drink bourbon while I tell you all about the FEMA fuckery

    d) [ FILL IN THE _____________________]

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      “I was really never good at indexing.” – St. George

      • proudgrampa

        Outlines drove me crazy.

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      I’m no good at sage advice, so AOT,K

      • weejee

        How about oregano advice? Sage is kinda Thanksgivingie.

        • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

          Only if I have the thyme.

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      You are far more qualified to determine the best course of action than I.

      I’d probably take CJ drinking. I’m that stupid.

      • Panika MCD

        but we have 1.5 hours to kill!

        • BeachLoafer

          did you have a point?

          • Panika MCD

            the whole point of my comment was finding out what to do with that time.

          • BeachLoafer

            and drinking is the answer – during the Trump presidency, it’s almost always the answer ;)

          • Panika MCD

            but it won’t be free until 7:30!

          • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

            It appears we are all wasting your time with our nonsensical non comments.

        • SeeTrainOffTheRails

          In that case, I’d say go for coffee. Read book. Enjoy.

    • OutOfOrbit

      You don’t always think things through, do you?

      • Panika MCD

        I got here at 5:15. if it had started at the time I wrote on my calendar, I’d be fine!

        • OutOfOrbit

          Uh huh

    • jesterpunk
      • Panika MCD

        yes. the free kind.

    • Mary Theresa

      Oh, I’d be playing in the aisles of Petco with CJ.

      • Panika MCD

        WE ALREADY DID THAT.

        • Mary Theresa

          I’d still be doing that, just saying.

          • Panika MCD

            after half an hour you have to pay for a shampoo.

    • redarmyzombie

      All of them, Katie.

    • janecita

      I’ve missed you! I was asking about you the other day. How are you?

      • Panika MCD

        I hate the Alamo.

        • janecita

          You and Davy Crockett both!

          • Panika MCD

            but does Davy Crockett’s hate have anything to do with Phil Collins?

          • janecita

            Is Phil Collins Mexican?

          • Panika MCD

            no, but he has the largest private collection of Alamo artifacts in the world which he offered to lend to TX of they’d build a museum and so they began the Alamo Master Plan which prompted the crazies to come out f the woodwork.

          • janecita

            Phil Collins has a very strange hobby.

          • Panika MCD

            he played Texians v. Mexicans in his mother’s British garden when he was 5.

        • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

          What’s the Alamo? I’ve forgotten.

          • janecita

            How are you feeling? How is radiation?

          • Kneeling Bozilingus

            Low-cost car rental organization. It hertz to have this knowledge.

          • Panika MCD

            a 300 year old mission built on a tribal burial ground.

        • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

          I recently learned here that Phil Collins loves the Alamo. The Wonkette has once again added to my knowledge of useless facts.

          • Panika MCD

            do you have any idea how many times I was subjected to Bettencourt bragging about meeting Phil Collins last week?

          • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

            Hmmm, I have a dilemma. Which is worse… meeting Phil Collins or bragging about it?

          • Panika MCD

            I’m sure meeting him is quite enjoyable. Bettencourt is the fucking worst so it probably was not enjoyable for Phil Collins.

          • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

            Yeah, you’re probably right about meeting Phil Collins.

            Hey, I smoked a spliff with Woody Harrelson, once. Does that count for anything?

            This is a for sure true story. I worked on a film crew for one of his movies.

    • Raan

      > Ride nearest fire hydrant like a mechanical bull

      • Panika MCD

        that sounds like it might require a tetanus shot.

        • Raan

          Then I vote for Drunkle Panika’s Bourbon Storytimes.

    • Granny Sprinkles

      You’re always very informative, Granny would enjoy FEMA fuckery storytime.

    • Cat Cafe

      How far away is home?
      1) 10-15 minutes — go home and come back
      2) More than 10-15 minutes– find somewhere else to go nearby

    • janecita

      Definitely 3

    • Lord Jim

      potatosalad) Drop yourself off at home to tell us about FEMA fuckery while Calliewampus goes back to covfefe joint to read JE.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • (((Sedagive)))

      Dang.

    • dshwa

      Drag them congresswoman! DRAG THEM!

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      Snatching wigs like a bawse. 😎

    • OrG

      We need more like Auntie Maxine!

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Maxine Waters is EVERTHING!

  • Mary Theresa
    • Jamoche

      Escher dogs.

    • Blackest Noobs

      the keys….THEY’RE ALIVE I TELL YOU ALIVE!!!!

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    My takeaway from Alabama: Fuck Republicans and trying to “reach out” to curry favor with the Cletus vote. Get black, Latino, and sentient white people fired up and ready to hit the polls in all fifty states, every time. Todays’s Republicans, with very few exceptions, represent a lost generation; they voted 91% for Moore, and will die for Trump. Let’s help them do it….with votes.

    • janecita

      Votes and the guillotine, right?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Guillotines-R-Us.

    • Kneeling Bozilingus

      Let’s open more colleges and trade schools in Alabama. Students will assume Alabama residency and complete voter registrations. The more students enrolled, the more likely the state will become bluer. (This could work in many red states.)

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        It has worked in Georgia.

    • OrG

      Yep. If people vote republicans lose.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        They have to have something to vote for. If I was an activist black voter in Alabama and Moore had won, I might well have decided that 400 years of struggle in this country really hasn’t accomplished jackshit and hung up my boots. Fortunately, there got to be some sense of empowerment there, and we need to validate it and them with our future actions.

    • (((Sedagive)))

      Agreed. Democrats have been tip-toeing around, trying not to anger Cletus, and Cletus don’t give a fuck – he hates us for our… sentience?

      Anyway; here’s to a reality-based coalition – damn the Cletus, full speed ahead!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Cletus Don’t Give A Fuck is my new band name…y’all pick the genre.

    • OrG

      Also too, the power structure didn’t want moore to win all that bad. No mysterious “lost votes” found when it was apparent he had lost.

      • TundraGrifter

        Sen. Shelby made it very clear the Alabama Republican University Establishment did not want Moore to win.

    • Paperless Tiger

      I noticed a lot of religious sentiment on, dare I say it, both sides, including some trippy stuff about two Jesuses, theirs and ours. I get the impression that a lot of Christians are getting tired of being dragged through the mud while being told what they are supposed to believe by Dominionist Republicans. Heretical as it may seem, the path to victory over the Southern Strategy may lead right through the Christian church. The left needs to reclaim the “freedom of religion” dialog from the Dominionists who have twisted it to mean they can discriminate. It really means you can believe what you personally decide to believe. That’s a message.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        There’s something to this. I’m involved with activist Catholics, and through them, some progressive Protestant congregations here in Tucson. I’ve found that a lot of Christians, being somewhat more inclined to defer to authority, can do some very good things when they are led by a priest or pastor who focuses on Jesus’ ministry to the poor and powerless, rather than this right wing obsession with wealth and vindictiveness. They tend, with a few exceptions of course, to follow that lead.

      • miss_grundy

        And the sentient also need to define Christianity correctly and not as it has been defined by the evangelicals, who are just grifter scumbags.

  • altleftjohn

    Just in case your blood pressure is dangerously low:

    http://ew.com/movies/2017/12/13/salma-hayek-harvey-weinstein-sexual-harassment/

    • miss_grundy

      This was an excellent opinion piece that she wrote and gave you insight into some of the scenes that seemed out of place in Frida but had everything to do with Weinstein and his machinations.

  • Thiazin Red

    What are people reading?

    I’m going to finish Winter Tide this weekend. I really like the book, but since its in physical form I can’t just get in a few pages at work or while I’m making dinner like I can with audios. But this weekend I’ll make some time to finish the last couple chapters.

    • Jon Sussex

      “The Moth Presents: All These Wonders.”
      Good for short attention span readers.

    • therblig

      The Manchurian Candidate – it’s not only timely, but wickedly funny, considering the subject.

      just started Cat’s Cradle

      • JustDon’tSayMoore

        Love me some Vonnegut. I need to go back and re-read some of those.

    • OutOfOrbit

      “Never Pick Up Hitch-Hikers”

      –Ellis Peters

    • altleftjohn

      Colin Woodard’s Republic of Pirates and Grant’s Memoirs.

      • TundraGrifter

        Do you enjoy Gen. Grant’s sense of humor? The book was edited by Mark Twain.

        • altleftjohn

          I knew Twain had urged Grant to write his memoirs but I didn’t know he edited them.

          • TundraGrifter

            And he almost went broke publishing them (Twain had money troubles his entire adult life). Gen. Grant was dying of throat cancer and he wanted to leave his wife something so he struggled through terrible pain to write his Memoirs. As a patriot, Twain edited them and, if I remember the story correctly, financed their publication. Turned out to be a best seller of the age – with the money going to Gen. Grant’s widow. I don’t think he lived to see them in print.

    • Gosala

      Theories of Political Economy by James A. Caporaso and David Levine.

      But I am weird

      • OutOfOrbit

        Of course you are

        • Gosala

          what the fuck is your problem? No, don’t bother. You’ve been blocked since thst really weird creepy stalker episode a while back.

    • Lord Jim

      Hard Choices by HRC.

      • TundraGrifter

        With that title it certainly wasn’t written by Melinia Trump.

    • SDGeoff3

      The Pencil by Henry Petroski. It’s a history of the pencil.

      • LucindathePook

        Loved his Paperboy—saw him at an engineering convention.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Non-comments on Wonkette at the moment.

    • TundraGrifter

      I’m in a Western phase. I finished “Life of Tom Horn” by Tom Horn and “The Border and the Buffalo.” I’m about half-way through “Frontier Fighter” by George Coe (he rode with Billy the Kid) – but I got distracted with Gen. Michael Flynn’s book. I’m trying to understand the guy and my current theory is, at least in part, he became radicalized.

    • miss_grundy

      Hot Milk by Deborah Levy and Missoula by Jon Krakauer

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Krakauer is pretty awesome. The one about the Mormon fringe was fascinating. And the book he wrote about Pat Tillman still makes me want to do horrible things to Cheney. With votes, of course.

  • lucidamente
    • Blackest Noobs

      it’s not 112 dumbfucks!

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      102. Got it in three seconds. Which is great for me.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      That’s what accountants are for!

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
    • yyyaz

      No irony present. I wish people could get a grasp on how fucking odious the Vichy-cans actually are.

    • Gosala

      Theocrat. Don’t forget theocrat.

    • Tiffany de Houston

      It’s projection all the way down with those people.

    • miss_grundy

      That’s because the current GOPers wouldn’t know an honorable person if they bumped into him in the street.

  • Nounverb911

    Instructions, how do THEY work?

    • OutOfOrbit

      Spread them out on floor & sit on’em

      • gallbladder

        A la Twister.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Just imagine a new game: IKEA Twister.

          Nah, probably get people killed or something.

          • gallbladder

            IKEA’s dangerous enough as it its.

    • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

      You can’t explain it.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        You would need instructions that instruct how to follow instructions.

        With some people, this becomes an intractable problem.

    • Raan

      Easy. You accidentally cement them, the box, parts of the receipt, and your beach umbrella together in a blind rage because you’re incapable of building a barbecue pit.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        That would explain some of the things I’ve seen people try to sell on CraigsList.

        • Raan

          I once saw someone transparently try to get rid of a bee infestation by listing it as “free bees”.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Some folks can’t pass up a freebee.

          • Spurning Beer

            Actually, beekeepers often advertise bee removal services, sometimes for free, because they get to keep the bees. If they haven’t been sprayed with insecticide, that is.

          • Raan

            Now that I didn’t know.

            Neat.

          • TundraGrifter

            I watched a beekeeper run down the middle of the street following a swarm and trying to capture the queen bee.

          • puredog

            “Attendant honey not guaranteed.”

      • SDGeoff3

        The Homer Simpson technique!

    • dshwa

      Similar to stopping to ask directions.

  • Joe Beese
    • Nounverb911

      Has she been escorted out of DC yet?

      • Bill D. Burger

        Reports were that she tried to see The Dotard in person after she was told she had been canned but was blocked. Then, upon seeing Kelly (who had wanted her gone for some time ) let fly a few obscenities in his direction.
        Oh gawwd’, it sounded delightful. I would love to have witnessed it.

        • Nounverb911

          Someone needs to hack the White House security tapes.

          • Spurning Beer

            It’s almost like the White House is just some sort of reality show.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            I bet Vlad finds watching them a real hoot.

          • Raan

            China, Germany, you guys have no love of Russia, right?

        • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

          It’s said she was ‘escorted out’ by the secret service not quite kicking, but screaming.

          • Bill D. Burger

            I’d love to know what she called Kelly. It sounded as though she really let fly some choice commands of her own.

          • birdbrain53

            I heard dragged out.

        • Rags

          Once again 4-5 is too much of a coward to do the deed himself. The only way he can protect his narcissism from the slings and arrows of reality.

        • Jamoche

          “Lordy, I hope there are tapes.”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Who could’ve predicted that a failed reality tv star would fail at real life?

      • Joe Beese

        She didn’t go there to make friends!

        • SeeTrainOffTheRails

          And she left without making any.

        • Jeffery Campbell

          WINNING!!

    • gallbladder

      Did she–wait for it–bow out?

    • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

      “Continued success?” Oh, burn!

    • Bill D. Burger

      “You were just unbelievable. It won’t be the same here without you. I hear Papa Johns is hiring. Best of luck.”

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      Let Angela Rye say what we’re all feeling.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYqFcChCvDo

    • Blackest Noobs

      i kinda think Trump hasn’t been writing his own tweets since basically calling Gillibrand a slut_whore.

    • TundraGrifter

      He didn’t have the guts to tell her to her face. This stupid Tweet is an attempt to keep her from telling (yelling) her side of the story to the world.

      • JustDon’tSayMoore

        And that story is going to be so full of self-serving bullshit you could power Toledo with it.

      • puredog

        One hopes it will fail bigly.

    • anon_the_great

      I wonder if she piddled on a rug or two on the way out

    • miss_grundy

      Did Dotard say that before Kelly threw her under the bus?

    • therblig

      what success did she achieve recently? pretty sure she just got fired.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Stay classy, Blake.

    • Blackest Noobs

      resign you disgusting fat piece of shit!!!!

    • Bill D. Burger

      He’s Tom Cruise’s character ‘Les Grossman’ (in the old movie Tropic Thunder) come to life.

      • armed_bears

        the old movie Tropic Thunder

        Sigh. I am old.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Ha! Was thinking the same thing. That’s a new movie in my book.

        • puredog

          The ancient, probably black-and-white silent movie, Tropic Thunder.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Think he was Weinstein?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I don’t mean this to sound like support for Farenthold *at all*, but I’m a little nonplussed with this Rekolah guy. When someone insults you, and especially if they insult your fiance, you fuckin’ stand up and tell them exactly what you think. Fuck them, and fuck the job if necessary. Life’s too short.

      • Raan

        “Thanks for the advice, Blake. By the way, I didn’t know hookers ate Vienna sausage. Also, I quit, and if you ever talk about my wife-to-be like that again, you’ll have a two piece and a biscuit under your eye.”

        • Lance Thrustwell

          YES.

          • Raan

            get it

            he’ll get combo’d

        • JustDon’tSayMoore

          I’d go with, “What the actual FUCK is wrong with you?”

          • Raan

            Also a valid approach.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        He did fuck the job. He just waited til after the honeymoon, I guess to keep from freaking his fiancée out.

        I’m just saying, if you’re coming from Issa’s office and your new boss is too much of a crass lowlife to work for, that’s pretty impressive.

    • Michael R

      It can’t be locker room tak

    • anon_the_great

      He seems nice

    • Edith Prickly

      MY EARS!!

      • yyyaz

        “Whassa matta? You got an in-fucktion? Har har har!”
        — BF

    • miss_grundy

      Gee, what a charmer!/s

    • clubseal

      If your SO isn’t blowing you, maybe try going down on her first instead of blaming the wedding ring, dumbass.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Well, in Farenthold’s case I’d blame the fact that he attends semi-naked frat parties with his kid.

        • clubseal

          Well, and certain, shall I say, aesthetics-based reasons too, also. I’m assuming, anyway, as a straight man.

  • Nounverb911
    • gallbladder

      I can’t take his making sense for too much longer.

      • Meccalopolis

        I got a girlfriend who’s better than that

        • puredog

          Nothing is better than this.

          • therblig

            Now everyone’s getting involved

    • OrG

      Has he been smoking pot?

      • hudson

        no he has seen the kettle and calling it out for what it is.

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      Fuckin’ A Right Billy Boy. doG, I hate myself when I have to agree with him. Which is more and more frequent, lately.

  • Nounverb911
    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Somebody needs to fix that clock and make it broken again.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      I’m torn because Trump is a terrifying shit show but also he is majorly fucking with the GOP

      • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

        With physics itself!

        Trump’s fucked up the space-time continuum so badly that Bill Kristol is now correct. ON A REGULAR BASIS.

    • TJ Barke

      This right here is how you know we’re in bizarro world.

      • JustDon’tSayMoore

        Did we change timelines AGAIN?

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        It’s Kristol’s Counterpart from the other side.

        The real Kristol is in a mental asylum.

        • yyyaz

          I just read it on the internetz so it must be true.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      He’s still such a preening, condescending douche when you hear him actually say these things on camera, you end up hating him anyway. He constantly interrupts other guests to whitesplain.

      • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

        I’d love to see him and tweety in the Interrupt Bowl.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          It would go into double overtime.

      • vivian

        the living definition of smug

    • Bill D. Burger

      I may need some intensive therapy if I survive my stint in Trumpland….and agreeing with people like Kristol, Frumm, Schmidt, Wallace….

      https://i2.wp.com/ryanmcswain.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/twilight-zone-once-upon-a-time.gif?resize=540%2C410

    • Paperless Tiger

      It’s good to know some conservatives are looking to survive this.

    • SDGeoff3

      And up until it became Trump, it was you, Mr. Kristol.

    • Jesus Fucking Christ I hate having to agree with Bill fucking Kristol. Seriously…and it’s been waaaaaay too much of that this last year.

  • Apple Scruff

    So Omorosa got kicked out of the White House for good?

    THIS IS A VERY GOOD WEEK!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/19cfbec30f44bb8ecbac9c6e72407b54650213092b4f10235abb024415e96b59.gif

  • Nounverb911

    Hey Dinesh, you’re a convicted felon, how do you like not voting anymore?
    https://twitter.com/DineshDSouza/status/941013084952580096

    • Bill D. Burger

      Dinesh D’Criminal…..has a flow to it.

      • gallbladder

        D’Inticted.

        • Meccalopolis

          D’oh!

          • SDGeoff3

            D’amn, y’all!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      She’s got a LONG public record of speaking out against pervs and creeps like you, Dinesh.

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      Dinesh would be stepping on his dick right now if he could find it.

    • Michael R

      Two people in the same photo , a convincing argument

    • hudson

      this dinesh guy is a multinational embarrassment.

    • Raan

      God, he looks like a stretched out Steve Bannon.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      wow, a public photo of them in the same place

      truly damning

    • SDGeoff3

      I dunno, Dinesh. How are things working out with your parole officer?
      Asshole.

  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom
  • Carpe Vagenda

    The showrunner of Leverage (who wrote this, one of the great ruminations on terrorism of the post-911 Bush administration) beats the shit out of that egregious hack Bill Mitchell.

    It’s just beautiful.

    https://twitter.com/jonrog1/status/941083157712969728

    • hudson

      it’s so clinical. it’s a sight unto itself -the deconstruction is.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        He’s really good at this.

        • armed_bears

          Maybe tooooo good? Could be Soros!!1!

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Nah.

            Although, I would say that.

          • armed_bears

            See!1!!!!

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      Damn, that is fucking absolutely beautiful.

  • grindstone

    Friday will be the last date for my company to deliver to any of our main clients. My nice little company was purchased by another company that has shown ZERO leadership or management skill, has hatcheted a lot of the people who actually, you know, do work, and shows absolutely no urgency about closing the 2017 projects.

    I am wound tight as a wet rope, shrieking like a fishwife to get things completed, and getting nowhere. This is so demoralizing.

    Sorry, just venting, and the good husband has heard me enough.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Take the money & don’t look back

    • Jeff Ackerman

      I have always been temporary help working as a crane operator. I found out early on that you can only do as good a job as your employer lets you. I have always done the best I could with what I had, the rest was up to the employer. I wish you the best of luck.

      • h4rr4r

        Sandhill or Blue?

        • Jeff Ackerman

          Manitowoc, American, P&H, Lorain, Link-Belt, Liebherr, Grove,

          • h4rr4r

            Are they migratory?

          • Jeff Ackerman

            Yes, from job to job!

  • Joe Beese
    • Joe Beese

      In a response to questions from CNN, Farenthold denied in a statement ever making comments to Rekola about receiving oral sex from his then-fiancée or whether she could wear a white dress. He acknowledged that he regularly referred to aides as “f**ktards,” but that it was “in jest, not in anger.”
      “In hindsight, I admit it wasn’t appropriate,” Farenthold said.

      http://www.cnn.com/2017/12/13/politics/blake-farenthold-accusations/index.html

      • gallbladder

        I wonder what else he’s said “in jest.”

        • Paperless Tiger

          His oath of office?

          • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

            BOOM!!!

          • JustDon’tSayMoore

            zing!

    • Edith Prickly

      Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

      • OrG

        Just fat and drunk is okay though?

        • Christopher Story

          Two outta three ain’t bad

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Whew!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Flounder libulz!!1!

    • Everrett Fanuelli
      • Blackest Noobs

        were they switched at birth and their parents, nah you’re a girl/boy when the opposite is actually true.

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      Congressman McFeely better hope he ONLY gets run out of DC.

  • Nounverb911
    • Raan

      Maybe just stay away from social media and its teenagers entirely.

  • James

    I don’t know if it’s been mentioned yet, so I will.

    That faked photoshopped document of a former staffer accusing Sen. Chuck Schumer of sexual harassment?

    Turns out it was apparently done by Chuck C. Johnson (rage furby) and Mike Cernovich.

    http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/47782_Who_Shopped_the_Fake_Document_Smearing_Chuck_Schumer_None_Other_Than_Holocaust_Denier_Chuck_C._Johnson.

    The former staffer turned it over to the DC Police and the Capitol Police.

    This goes beyond slander into forgery. Moreover, it directly copied a portion of the claims against a different person, John Conyers.

    Rage Furby and Mike Cernovich might be in real trouble here. Unfortunately for them, someone took screenshots of their communications about them doing this.

    • OrG

      LOCK THEM UP!

      • James

        Rick Wilson called Mike Cernovich “Lispy McSteroids.” LOL

  • Bill D. Burger

    Firings/Resignations under Trump:
    —Yates
    —Flynn
    —Bharara
    —Walsh
    —Comey
    —Dubke
    —Shaub
    —Corralo
    —Spicer
    —Short
    —Priebus
    —Scaramucci
    —Bannon
    —Gorka
    —Sifakis
    —Icahn
    —Price
    —Manigault-Newman

    Most of these are the lucky rats.

    http://www.milsims.com.au/sites/milsims.com.au/files/imagecache/product_full/prodimg/img12562.gif

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I love the visual of Omarossa being dragged out cursing like a sailor.

  • Nounverb911
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      A few rounds of golf took care of that fit of conscience.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        A few rounds of golf and commitments for massive military pork can make a youngish South Carolina maiden swoon. Mark my words, Miss L is getting something out of this.

    • BadKitty904

      Remember that, Aunt Pitty, when you hear that 3AM knock at the door…

    • Bill D. Burger

      Turned out Miss Lindsey was Trump’s cheapest date yet. All it took was a round of golf at a Trump course, and Lindsey now swoons at the mention of his name.

      http://americablog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/473px-Lindsey_Graham_Official_Portrait_2006-gay.jpg

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Something’s up with Miss Lindsey’s sudden change of heart towards Dotard. She’s a shrewd operator who isn’t easily wooed with sweet pillowtalk from a gentleman caller from NYC.

        • JustDon’tSayMoore

          Agreed. Postulate that the talk was somewhat more threatening, had a Russian accent, and involved a video.

  • aureolaborealis

    I’m busy today, but I’ve cobbled together another friendly message to my Republican senators (Lisa Murkowski and Dan Sullivan):

    The things you are considering at the moment that are terrible for the United States are many, but my I’ll confine myself to the upward wealth redistribution and healthcare sabotage of the tax ‘reform’ bill — which seems to have little to recommend it other than that your donors (‘investors’?) desperately want it — and the repeal of net neutrality, which is supported only by some of the most despised corporations in the country. This is not governance; it is pillaging. It is cashing out the progress of the past decade (or century, if some of your compatriots get their way) in return for nothing.
    Please oppose both of these vastly unpopular ideas in any way you can. History will not be kind to lawmakers who aid and abet a slide into pure oligarchy.

    PSA: https://resist.bot/

    (It always warms my heart a little when the resistbot servers are too overwhelmed by the volume of feedback being directed at D.C. to respond to me immediately.)

    • Jeff Ackerman

      They are my Senators also. I never hear back from either of them, Don Young either…

      • aureolaborealis

        I’ve actually received letters from both of them. If you use resist.bot, your message gets formatted in a fancy, formal-looking way that seems to inspire serious responses.

        • Jeff Ackerman

          I’ll give it a try, thanks!

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Is it their fault you don’t have a billion dollars? Call them back when you get rich, they’ll return your calls.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I’ve tried this approach with Jeff Flake, but it turns out that you have to be dying of ALS and confront him personally on an airplane to get him to pretend that he gives a shit.

      • aureolaborealis

        If that’s because he’s trying to hide from his constituency, then I think whatever you’re doing is having a positive effect.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Tim Scott literally took his phone off the hook during the healthcare debate.

  • Raan
  • Bill D. Burger

    Plotting his revenge on the GOP establishment at Breitbart today.

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DQ93N1rX0AI1pvs.jpg

    • Sophia

      Puleese, warning next time.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Bannon’s starting to remind me of the quadrapelegic in the Monty Python skit screaming “come back and fight, you cowards,” as he’s left bleeding in the dirt.

  • Gosala

    Today has been a bad day, as I said below. I can’t even anymore and though it be early, I’ll sign off for the night. Since I have nothing clever or fun I’ll just end with a poem of my own devising that speaks, I think, to the spirit of the moment, *ahem*

    Fuckity fuck fuck
    Fuckity fuck fuck
    Fuckity fuck fuck fuck

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      Poet Laureate worthy!

      • Gosala

        * curtsey-bows *

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I’m so sorry to hear that. I just got here a bit ago, so I don’t know the details, but you have my good thoughts and *hugs*.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “All that the poet can do is warn.” —Wilfred Owen.

      I hope things get better.

  • Anne Of Green Bagels
    • WotsAllThisThen

      FCC is like, nah we’re good. We weren’t going to listen to the public anyway.

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        because those poor besieged ISPs aren’t making nearly enough money with their already stupid overpriced internet packages.

  • Joe Beese
  • An Outhouse for the résistance
    • clubseal

      Well duh, college is where them Liberul perfessors take fresh squeezed aborted fetus juice and create new generations of liberal commie fascist tree huggers!!1!!!

    • This. Right. Here.
      An uneducated electorate is an easily controlled electorate

  • amrak63

    Good night, Wonketarians.

    Happy Birthday to Akane Akaza! (the big sister)

    https://i.imgur.com/wKojIR7.jpg

  • dieselox

    Nothing less than 16 year old single malt scotch. Lots of it. Heavy on the peat smoke, but balanced well by the maltiness.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Ooooooh, what kind?

    • armed_bears

      What has this week taught us about mixing with teens?

      • SDGeoff3

        Apparently, nothing around here.

      • Covfefe

        Soda pop. Lots of soda pop. They don’t actually like liquor.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Oh man! I’ll take a snifter.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Myself, I’m sipping a negroni

    • Suttree

      I’m drinking just above rotgut vodka and I like it. Thppptttt!

    • anon_the_great

      Protestant or Catholic?

    • vivian

      Laphroig?

      • dieselox

        In a pinch, but it’s all peat, no malt. I have 2 I really like: Lagavulin, and this other one I tried last night. Hang on a minute.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I’m quite fond of Oban.

        • dieselox

          Yeah, the other one is Lagavulin 16 also. So I have one favorite…

        • vivian

          Oban

          • dieselox

            Good stuff? Have not tried it. Only been really enjoying the nice peaty scotches for maybe 6-7 years, and good ones, only now and then. About time to try another new one.

          • vivian

            May not want to rely on my opinion. I tend to favor the ones that taste like iodine. I just like to try to guess…

          • dieselox

            I call it band aide flavor. But I prefer a bit of balance.

    • Wonky McUbtrye

      Lactaid eggnog (really pretty good) with Bushmill’s.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      That’s what Roy Moore said!

      I’ll show myself out.

  • Bill D. Burger

    April Ryan to Omarosa in February:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DQ9B8lMUEAAu7yt.jpg

    ~Boom goes the dynamite~~

    • Carpe Vagenda

      April Ryan ftw

      • Suttree

        She is seven ways awesome!

    • hudson

      what was omarosa’s special gift that she was employed in the WH to begin with?

      • Bill D. Burger

        Evidently, Kelly had the same question. He asked repeatedly what her function there was and if she served any useful purpose.
        Undoubtedly, that’s why, reportedly, she let fly a few obscenities his way as she was escorted out.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        She told Kelly she brought out the black vote for Trump, and Kelly pointed out that was practically nonexistent. She was getting $180,000 A year to be Trump’s black friend.

        Kelly wanted her gone because she’d rile Dotard up over hot button issues.

        • Stinky_Hole

          “Good with her hands”.

  • Blackest Noobs

    this might have to be a donut weekend.

    • OutOfOrbit

      EVERY DAY should be a donut week!

      • Blackest Noobs

        if made with weed butter, then yes, i approve.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      ‘Have to be’?

  • Suttree

    Just cause I am in a good mood. Some Emily Haines to make the heart aflutter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvEoYsNQ44Y&list=RDjvEoYsNQ44Y

  • Nounverb911
    • Blackest Noobs

      ooooh she does have a last name.

      • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

        It appears two, in fact.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          She recently married a preacher, who I bet is either a grifter, or a child humper.

          • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

            Or both.

        • Blackest Noobs

          oooh i thought the other was her middle name

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.

      • SDGeoff3

        It wouldn’t happen to a nicer person.

        • Anne Of Green Bagels

          that too.

    • CripesAmighty

      “Well, it wasn’t WE who frogmarched her sorry ass out the gate…”

    • SDGeoff3

      How we pried that pass out of her grubby paws is another story.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      So, except for the fact that Trump has private security working in the WH, that’s that.

    • wait! what?

      Such a big “complex” deactivated so easily…

      • Stinky_Hole

        “Why don’t my badge work?”

    • Bill D. Burger

      Be wrong not to speculate!

    • Bill D. Burger
    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I love this so hard. I’m hoping Trump exits the same way.

    • Kryptonian Canis

      Wait, what? Did she have the full confidence of John Kelly right before he fired her?

    • lol. Resigns by being dragged out? Seems excessive.

  • TootsStansbury

    Remember the last President? His wonderful, beautiful wife and their adorable children so full of promise? Remember that. Remember that wonderful man and the family who made him that way?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      That feels like it was a century ago.

      • TootsStansbury

        It Really does, Tr*mp years are like dog years, it is so messed up.

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          He does shit EVERY damn day that would be a huge scandal in any other president’s administration. Gah! He is SUCH a fucking idiot.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Just to break your heart.

      https://youtu.be/ln3wAdRAim4

      Damn, I miss them.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Ben Garrison has a new one out, and he’s just phoning it in.

    So dumb I am not posting it.

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      As always.

    • Still can’t draw

  • Donna Schoenkopf

    THAT . . . WAS . . . THE . . . FUNNIEST . . . PIECE . . . YET. exclamation point.

    • Wonky McUbtrye

      Is it Wonkmom? Hi, Mom!

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Are you editrix mom?

      • Donna Schoenkopf

        Yes, i am. Proudly. I always encouraged her to say the word “fuck” because you didn’t have free speech unless you did. (Being brave sets you free.) The funny wordsmithy stuff is all hers. Which, of course, is the genius part. I am very proud of her. Thank you for asking!

        • Carpe Vagenda

          It’s nice to meet you. I’m a great fan of your daughter’s, and (as everyone speaks as a mother these days) of yours as well.

    • TootsStansbury

      *whispers* Commie Mommy?

      • TJ Barke

        It’s like a unicorn sighting…

      • Donna Schoenkopf

        Yep. It is I, Commie Mom. Howzit? (It’s great to hear my old alias again.)

    • gullywompr

      Commie Mommie! Please to make your how-dee-dew.

      • Donna Schoenkopf

        awww. my old alias! and pleased to make yours.

  • nightmoth

    Open thread, right? So, the husband just got back from a rescue call here in rural Trumpanistan, Georgia. Cardiac arrest. Big fat white guy dead in his tool shed. Single-wide trailer. Coroner wasn’t there yet. Frantic wife had just arrived. She was blaming herself because he’d had 4 heart attacks already and she was crying “It was my JOB to be with him!” But she was working extra hours at a WalMart two hours away and wasn’t there when he collapsed. Medics didn’t want her to see him, but my sweetie intervened. She kissed his vomit-stained lips and cried, “My knight in shining armor.” True story, just happened. I’m in tears. THIS IS WHY, people, we can’t give up! We can’t demonize Trump voters, or evangelicals, or anybody. They need us, even if they don’t know it yet, and they are (mostly) not terrible people. Many of them are poor, and ignorant, and misled, and the fat cats in the GOP are keeping them that way! Never give up. Never surrender. That is all. Good night.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      That’s wrenching.

      Are you OK? Is your husband?

      • nightmoth

        Just sad. He’s seen a lot of bad stuff though as a paramedic. Sometimes I’ve been with him on calls. I’m glad I wasn’t on this one.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          I’m sorry. Give him whatever the well-meaning remote stranger version of a hug is.

    • We can’t demonize the people who think we are a worse enemy than ISIS?
      Damn. All right, but I am doing it only for you.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I’m so much of a libtard, that I think those idiots should still have affordable health insurance. I’ll try not to demonize them, but I won’t let them forget it.

        • Oh heavens yes. Even the nazis deserve healthcare. Feel less bad about punching…..

          • Smoke O’Hontas

            Oh yes, all the nazis need punching. Compassionate, thoughtful, libtard punching with votes when necessary. That said, I helped a woman with a confederate flag pin on her bar jacket (yes, that’s a thing here in fucking WISCONSIN) pick up her spilled groceries, and wished her a Happy Holiday out the side of my mouth.

      • nightmoth

        I’ve found that the cashiers who work at WalMart are pretty tolerant. There’s not a lot of room for racism when most of the customers are in the same boat as you: i.e. almost broke. At least here in Georgia. This is a college town, so you even see women in hijab there, usually wives of foreign grad students.

        • Snark aside, it really does come down to wealth distribution. Though here in my corner of VA, most the clerks at the Wally World are the black, and most the shoppers the white. Still.

    • shivaskeeper

      I don;t know their personal politics. In this situation, if I was one of the responders I would not care about their politics either.They would get treated the same as everyone else.

      However I can a will continue to demonize the deplorables at all times. They deserve it. They have earned my spite. I have no doubt that they love their own spouses. and some of their own family and neighbors as long as they fall into whatever small group they personally find acceptable. Being a loving spouse in no way mitigates being a hateful, bigoted human being in all other respects. It does not and it can not.

      That was the whole point of that NYT puff piece about the Nazi a few weeks ago. To humanize him and his wife. To show us that they share some common traits with us. No one is denying that, but they were and are Nazis. I don;t really care if they eat some of the same foods as I do, or drive the same model of car. They are Nazis.

      Yes, I will make exceptions for those that have been lied to, mislead, and hoodwinked as long as they are willing to change when they see the truth of their hate. If they are not willing to do that, if they just dig deeper into their hate, then fuck them.

      • kareemachan

        [applause]

    • “Now, some of those folks — they are irredeemable, but thankfully they
      are not America. But the other basket — and I know this because I see
      friends from all over America here — I see friends from Florida and
      Georgia and South Carolina and Texas — as well as, you know, New York
      and California — but that other basket of people are people who feel
      that the government has let them down, the economy has let them down,
      nobody cares about them, nobody worries about what happens to their
      lives and their futures, and they’re just desperate for change. It
      doesn’t really even matter where it comes from. They don’t buy
      everything he says, but he seems to hold out some hope that their lives
      will be different. They won’t wake up and see their jobs disappear, lose
      a kid to heroin, feel like they’re in a dead-end. Those are people we
      have to understand and empathize with as well.” – Hillary Clinton, speech at the “LGBT for Hillary Gala” in New York City on Sept. 9, 2016

      • kareemachan

        And my kid is compromising her health freaking out about grad school tax shit. She is working on HELPING PEOPLE LIVE LONGER AND WITHOUT CANCER, FFS. AND YOU WANT TO MAKE THAT HARDER?

        (Added: She has Crohns and depends on us and the largesse of Big Pharma to keep her alive. Fuck repugs.)

    • Smoke O’Hontas

      I get the absolutely most disgusting, vile, moronic morans calling at work just to spew worse swears than even I could come up with (and I am horrible, trust me) because we take away prayers from kids in school or some such, but I get to spend time to try and open conversations with the ones I deem somewhat reasonable…I’d say 25% turn nonhostile after a couple minutes, and 5% learn something (like what being Transgender means). I know my time is not misspent on that 5% because they’re going away with a positive interaction, some knowledge, and hopefully some questions after I thank them for being gracious with their time. It doesn’t fill me with hope, but each little bit helps IMHO.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        You are doing a good thing. Thank you.

        • Smoke O’Hontas

          I get paid for it, and they’re coming to me, so taking the time to represent for secular humans is an honor as far as I’m concerned, and a rare privilege to have their ear if i can get it. It’s a good spot to put an, “Aw shucks, I’m not good at arguing but I’d love to talk…” kind of woman like me.
          Thanks, though :-)

      • nightmoth

        Good work, smoke. “They who have ears to hear, let them hear.”

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        Fuck yeah!!

        Rock every “little bit” you can! If you get a few folks to think of you as a person and not “the other”, you’ve made a huge difference.

  • Michael R
  • Bill D. Burger

    Exclusive footage of Sassy & Roy leaving the post election party last night.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9f575166ada1017a9753d55a3ad0b5cf96fbf10125f3bfefdc5e9dfef3c39cd2.gif

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Lol..needs moar upfists (uphoofs?).

  • aureolaborealis

    I’d like to think this scene is prescient regarding of the Republicans in D.C. right now. Alabama gives me hope. Roll (cerulean) Tide:

    https://youtu.be/J581XFa9ec0

    • it was a special election, the seat doesn’t last for six years

      • But long enough.

      • lasts til 20 no?

      • Amy!

        It only has to last for two, when the next set of seats come open. The strategist’s comment was specific to 2018 (when Jones won’t have to run again, as he’ll finish out the term instead).

  • SeeTrainOffTheRails

    Sweet liquor eases the pain.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xm1Lzv_wTDQ

  • CripesAmighty
  • Carpe Vagenda
    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      “Ninjas de Cebolla,” por favor. ; )

    • Carpe Vagenda

      omg, is that you?

      I heart you. I thought you should know.

    • shivaskeeper

      Should be “Neigh” not “Hey”. FFS horses can’t talk. I know this for a fact.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Mr. Ed libel!!!!!

        • Amy!

          Of course, of course.

      • TJ Barke

        My mom’s horse asks for Mrs. Pasture’s Treats all the time…

        • shivaskeeper

          Does it ask in Human, or Horse?

          • TJ Barke

            I’m not sure, but I just know that’s what she wants.

          • shivaskeeper

            You know I work with a vets group doing equine therapy. One of the biggest issues the horses can help with is PTSD.

            Since vets as a general rule are resistant to traditional group and individual therapy I tell my riders to tell it to the horse if they don;t want to tell anyone else. The horse will not judge. But to let me know if the horse answers back, because then we have some bigger problems.

    • Hay is for horses.

      • SeeTrainOffTheRails

        Straw is cheaper.
        Grass is free.
        Buy a farm and get all three.

        I can’t remember some of my aunts’ names, but I remember this shit.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Now, Sassy, show us on the Rainbow Pony doll how the bad man mis-rode you.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      The thing about horses’ asses – they open and close by themselves all the time…

  • shivaskeeper

    Here’s my take on AL last night. First off, great job AL voters, you overcame decades of religious and partisan political hackery to vote for a Democrat over a probable child molester. The turn out was great, the vote from women and minorities carried the day and set down more of the groundwork to save us from the worst elements of our country. I don;t think we can rely on that anger as a long term solution though. Probably not for 2018 and definitely not for 2020.

    With that being said, I think if the GOP had run anyone just slightly less loathsome, they would have won it. As it was before the women came forward Moore was almost a caricature of a GOP asshole. He was already damn near what I would have run if I was putting a Democratic plant into the race in order to embarrass the GOP. He was a two time national embarrassment for the state, removed from the State Supreme Court both times and disbarred the last time, an open racist, and open misogynist, a man who looks back on slavery as the time America was great, one who openly embraced and was endorsed in turn by the fucking Nazis. I think the child molestation allegations were what swung the vote out of his favor.

    I think if Moore was not the candidate team Blue would have lost, but the vote would have been closer than normal. Say 60/40 instead of 80/20. AL as a state has not been competitive since the early ’90’s. Shelby was the last Dem to win there and he has since switched parties. The last time Sessions ran he was unopposed. This is a problem. To abandon whole sections of the country because they are not sure wins is what allows the gerrymandering and voter suppression to take place over time which in turn of course makes it harder and harder to win when we decide to try to be competitive again. To try once, lose, and then say, “fuck it we can’t win here”, is the wrong way to do this. I think that is what would have happened if Jones had not won. AL would be written off again as too red to win in one cycle so why bother?

    The plan has to be a 50 state strategy. It has to be to cut some of the spending in the guaranteed win places and shift some of that money to build the candidates, the ground game, and the GOTV initiatives in places where “we are not competitive”. We have to be willing to keep investing in places we don;t win first time, to lay the foundation for future gains. To not expect 20, 30, 40 years of fuckery to be overturned in one cycle and be disappointed to the point of despair when it doesn’t. We also have to field quality candidates at all levels. Local, county, and state, not just national. It;s great to have the Congress and the Presidency, but if we don;t have the States, we still get fucked. Look at the states that opted out of the ACA because they could. If we have the federal level. it’s great, but it does not really effect people’s day to day life, like have more local level offices does. .

    TL, DR: 50 fucking state or GTFO, work to retake the state level offices, do not give in to despair if we lose but keep on plugging away and building an effective machine.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Maybe being a national hero state will go to Alabama’s head. I hope so.

    • The head of Emily’s List reports that women are signing up in droves around the country to run for office.

      I trust she is right.

      • shivaskeeper

        I hope so. I hope they are qualified for whatever offices they are running for. I hope they get the support they need in money, volunteers, paid staff, and everything else needed to run a successful campaign.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      South Carolina will never be competitive, unless the Dems send some deprogrammers down here.

      • shivaskeeper

        It won;t be competitive overnight. Not in one cycle. Probably not in two or three either. But to write it off completely and them expect Dems to come out every four years and then wonder why they don’t is stupid and counterproductive to my mind.

        The workable answer is to slowly build the foundation there, not write it off.

    • kareemachan

      Well, the good thing is that they were too moranic to bring in anybody less stupid than Moore.

      • shivaskeeper

        That cannot be counted on.

  • Rick Hill

    Who says they don’t pay people to remind them to breath? Oh, yeah, the pay part….

  • Nounverb911
  • Melania managed to think ahead, but the four-sentence instruction of “vote, put ballot in envelope, sign envelope, put envelope in mailing envelope” stymied her and she sent in an unsigned ballot.

    She sent in a blank ballot for her husband. Yes. This was NOT designed at all.

  • Nounverb911
  • Edith Prickly
    • Hope his a (((lawyer))) is up for it.
      Actually, I hope that lawyer quits in a public fashion, calling them out

      • shivaskeeper

        Why 169%? I got all the other name change references, but not this one.

        • It was last night when we were drunk on Jones victory juice when Fukui and I were discussing his bot project and I tried to volunteer to be a guinea pig because I wanted to know how A Lady his bot thought I was. He obliged me by saying whatever I had said was 169% True and I liked that amount of true :D
          Plus, I wanted a name NOT from a shit for brains for a change

          • shivaskeeper

            Got it.

          • We were really high on the Victory juice. In my defense.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            I’m still giddy.

          • Right?
            I am all….we can DO 50 state. WE CAN DO EEET.

    • Jamoche

      Whoa, I missed the “victim” in the URL and thought it was their (((token))) lawyer filing suit.

      That would require so much popcorn.

  • MANGO CRIMES
  • Suttree

    OMG I love Emily Haines!

    “Did I ask you for attention, when affection is what I need?”

  • rocktonsam

    The end is always bad.
    It’s hard to have an ounce of empathy for them.

    • anon_the_great

      Oh, I’m sure if you dug just a little…

      • Amy!

        Today they Doug Jones a little. Good enough for at least a day.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas and Florida, in four-part harmony:

      “Hold our beers.”

  • Nounverb911
    • anon_the_great

      Oh unfuck you into Eternity Susan

    • TootsStansbury

      Grrrrrrrr grumble growrwawr

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      CyouUNextTuesday

    • shivaskeeper

      Fuck her.

    • She thanks african Americans by showing the bars for white voters?
      The FUCK?

      • Amy!

        I think the retweet did a particularly embarrassing crop, is all. I believe that her original tweet has the entire graphic (so both the whites on top, as is symbolically appropriate in this brutal society, and the black votes on the bottom, where they were cropped by the auto-crop-algorithm while retweeting).

        • Better, whew.
          I was all…who the fuck thanks black folk by showing how bad white folks are, as a white folk? It just seemed so weird to me XD

      • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

        To be That Guy™:

        Her twooter feed shows the whole graphic, with the rest of the divisions. He’s sub-tweeting her (I think that’s the terminology where someone doesn’t actually link to their tweet) so it’s just a cropped screen capture.

        But, that said, FUCK HER.

        • Amy explained it thanks! I do not know how the tweeters worked for pictures

          • kareemachan

            “But” = “I’m waffling for her.”

    • jesterpunk

      Go fuck yourself Susan Sarandon with a rusty chainsaw.

    • Stinky_Hole

      “And I want to thank all you ‘little people’ who…”

  • you guys legit don’t remember the bit where trump couldn’t find his precinct for like 2 hours and then just gave up

    are you really surprised that the people who buy elections don’t know how they work

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Nounverb911

    Moore’s loss was bad news for the Cruz.

    https://twitter.com/NewYorker/status/941049420874960896

    • kareemachan

      Well, FUCK YEAH!

    • Delu

      I think he likes that status.

      I mean he hasn’t done a single thing to more away from it, how else ca you explain that other than to consider that he actually likes it that way?

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Can I just say how much I miss the Obamas?

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      Yes you may because we all do.

    • SDGeoff3

      Anytime, all the time.

    • Christopher Story
      • TootsStansbury

        Dear God. I am choking back tears.

        • Don’t follow Pete Souza on Instagram, then.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        *weeps quietly*

      • Delu

        Wonder if it’s appropriate to post a picture of a similarly “touching scene” between Trumpa and Melania here too?

        Just for contrast?

        • Hm, not here, would get the trump on our obama.
          But up above mebbe do a side by side?

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Good luck finding one.

          • Delu

            I tried.

            Couldn’t find one.

            At least not in the same sort of atmosphere or position.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            I am so surprised.

  • Christopher Story

    In case no one has done so yet, I want to wish Roy a happy Chanukah. Maybe he can celebrate it with his lawyer.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I’m not an anti Semite, some of my best lawyers are Jews.

      • Christopher Story

        Lol!

  • Paperless Tiger

    They’re in so far over their heads they need a snorkel to breathe.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Paperwork is hard….

    • These are the same people who forgot to switch over their party for a primary remember.

    • OrG

      Who knew?

      • Stinky_Hole

        They have staff to do this sort of thing. They either don’t pay them well, or are so hated by them that they just-barely-do what they’re supposed to without getting blamed.

  • Nounverb911

    It’s the fifth anniversary of SANDY HOOK this year…
    https://twitter.com/NYDailyNews/status/941088643959152640

    • Parakeetist

      Memory eternal

    • kareemachan

      Fuck these people who call this a conspiracy or fucking fake news or whatever. They and their parents deserve better.

      • Delu

        1 name is more responsible for shit like this than any others.

        Alex Jones.

        Fuck him.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    ZOMG I’m watching last night’s Lawrence, and who should appear but both Joy and Rachel! It’s my wet dream come true! They’re the freaking dream team.

  • Remember…Trump endorsed and backed two different men for Senator from Alabama…and they both lost.

  • Hayes is covering Omorosa after the break and he sounded giddy

    • Wonkette did not do a story and I am too lazy to do the googles. What the hell happened there?

    • Suttree

      Shit. Do I need to turn the TV on?

      • I am weighing waiting to see if PBS covers it tonight, or going to bed early XD

        • Suttree

          I am all about bed early. I think 10 pm is my cutoff nowadays. :)

          • My old cut off time. Cause my brain shuts off.
            But I can’t seem to quit the wonk at that hour XD Too many funny snarks going on!

          • Suttree

            That is when we are at our best. Must sleep though!

        • Institute For Applied Despair

          Not just yet. There’s some Republireptile in active deflection duty re; last night but no sign of OMGarosa.

      • OutOfOrbit

        Won’t help

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Yeah, well. Tell me he acknowledges that the Twitzach Haderach had nothing to do with the Jones win and I’ll consider it.

      • The Wanderer

        Upfist for “Twitzach Haderach.”

        • kareemachan

          And the repugs won’t get it. Lulz.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Man, do I get sick of these Reaganista never-Trumpers acting all morally shocked at the current Republican party. Where the fuck do you think it all got started, geniuses? Reagan was a race-baiter, serial fabulist, and a fucking imbecile….Trump with dogwhistles.

    • shivaskeeper

      Are you thinking they should take some personal responsibility? Since they are the Party of Personal Responsibility?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        That would be asking too much.

        • shivaskeeper

          It really would.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        yeah, that’ll happen…

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Trump in a more presentable package. I’m not sure who was worse. Trumps racism is authentic. I’m not sure whether Reagan’s was or not.

    • kareemachan

      And the repugs are totally good with it.

      Fuck them.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      This shit has been going on since Goldwater, got turned up to eleven by Nixon, then put in hyperspace mode by Saint Ronnie. Yeah, all the hand wringing and Captain Renault BS is tiresome as hell. You built this, Goopers! You’ve been painstakingly putting it together for decades and each and every one of you oh so concerned republicans gleefully did your part, so just fuck right off with that sudden concern over the direction of the party.

    • Delu
  • Rachel Book Harlot

    It’s so different watching election coverage once you already know the outcome. This is why I read spoilers.

    • To be fair, Fakata gave us a spoiler, and some of us at least (me included!) thought it was sweet but did not believe her.
      I’m a believer now!

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        I’m too much of a pessimist with very little faith in humanity to believe. I went to bed last night expecting I’d wake up to a Moore win. I couldn’t believe it this morning. My alarm clock is tuned to news radio and when it went off this morning they were covering Jones’ win. What a great way to start the day! I actually jumped out of bed to jump up and down.

        • Normally I would advise agin’ waking up to news radio, but this was a good day for that :D

      • SeeTrainOffTheRails

        “And then I saw the vote … Now I’m a believer!”

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udX6y-FB3vU

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    I find this very easy to believe:
    https://twitter.com/page88/status/941102462823526400

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      She should’ve done the country a favor and throttled him during nap time. With votes, of course.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I blame bad parenting, an absent father, and a lack of traditional values.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        When are white fathers going to step up and take responsibility for their children?

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          God only knows how many out-of-wedlock kids he’s spawned, and he’s a shiftless loser who’s never held down a real job. He always has some sort of shady get-rich-quick scheme going on…

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Hanging out with shady characters…

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I’m sure dad taught him that….

  • James

    Serious burn for Mike Pence.

    “It has come to our attention that Vice President Pence intends to make an official visit to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, and asked me to receive him officially,” Adeeb Joudeh, who is responsible for the keys to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, wrote in a letter on Wednesday, according to Israel’s Channel 2 News.

    “I absolutely refuse to officially welcome the American Vice President Mr. Mike Pence at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher and I will not be physically in church during his visit,” he continued.

    “This is an expression of my condemnation of President Donald Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.”

    More at The HIll

    Keeper of holiest site in Christianity refuses to welcome Pence after Jerusalem decision https://t.co/RrexuwxAkM pic.twitter.com/sP7Wiljca5— The Hill (@thehill) December 14, 2017

  • Suttree
  • Nounverb911
    • Institute For Applied Despair

      Sasssay!

  • Suttree

    Haha! Omorosa trying to storm Turnip! /ffs all of these people are fucknutz crazy.

  • Today’s Holiday Song / video –

    Singer/songwriter Elizabeth Chan channels Taylor Swift with her version of “Jingle Bells”
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb-TMHKL7f8

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Been sick lately, producing more phlegm than snark. Hence the dearth of participation.

    But that’s not the big news. Today we cut over from Comcast to a local cable/internet/telecom provider. This enables us to:
    1. Save money.
    2. Patronize a local business.
    3. Patronize a local business that supports net neutrality.
    Download speeds are comparable to Comcast. We should have done this a long, long time ago.

    • OutOfOrbit

      You done good

  • BigCSouthside

    If you have not watched Saving Capitalism, I recommend

    • TJ Barke

      But I want to bury capitalism…

      • H0mer0

        “not to praise [it]! “

  • Roni Raven, Sweet Lump
    • Delu

      Maybe Moore needs a much clearer message from God?

      Like a bolt of lightning to the noggin perhaps?

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        Nah, has to hit him closer to his brain. Below the belt?

  • Jonny On Maui

    I’m sure this has been said, but who’s surprised?

    • WomanInThePersistence

      By what? My ability to be surprised has been severely compromised this past year.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’m surprised they knew what end of the pen to use, not that paperwork eludes them…

    • greyXstar

      I’m surprised.

      That they can dress themselves.

  • Just elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Nina Simone
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfJRX-8SXOs

    • TootsStansbury

      I don’t think of rock and roll when I think of Nina Simone but i do love hearing her sing ‘Here Comes the Sun’.

    • wait! what?

      Time to fess up.

      How many people got turned onto Nina because she was Bridget Fonda’s music crush in the movie “Point of no Return?”

  • Just had a little earthquake here in Portland, Oregon. Knocked over a few things.

    My cats are not happy…gotta go.

    • TJ Barke

      That’s… ominous.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I missed it. Huh.

      • I am on the second floor in a house on the North side of Bull Mountain, unincorporated Portland-Tigard… My daughter and I both shouted “EarthQuake” at the same time and did our duty (We raised her in Orange County California until a year or so ago, so we know the drill)

        Calm for now…

        • WomanInThePersistence

          North Portland here. Didnt feel a thing.

          • Wow. It was a couple hard shocks without the roll.

            Hell, I get snow when it rains in the city…

          • WomanInThePersistence

            The Portland area is pretty big. And with the geography-hills, a river, etc., I’m not surprised.

      • OrG

        Me too.

    • Left Coast Tom

      This one? Magnitude 3.9, just east north east of Salem?

      • I was just poking around earthquake.usgs.gov too, thx

    • altleftjohn

      Didn’t notice it here in Southwest.

    • Carole

      (According to Jim Bakker, it was sent by God to punish the librals.) Hope you and cats are OK.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that this is only the second time any of them have voted.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    This made me giggle.
    https://youtu.be/oeDPr5g1YXY

  • SeeTrainOffTheRails

    Don’t know why I thought of this, but here’s Michael Keaton during his stand up days.

    Oh, I remember now. I did a bad Bazooka Joe joke on Instagram. Actually, a bad Mort joke. In a gray t-shirt rather than a red turtleneck.

    A joke so old, people wondered aloud if I was allowed out of my retirement home.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPZxhk56O_M

    • Institute For Applied Despair

      Sue would admire to watch Night Shift again some day.

      “Wanna get….cumbered…?”

      • Seek

        Welcome to Blazeland!

        • Institute For Applied Despair

          “Put your muscles away”.

    • jesterpunk

      I love him in Johnny Dangerously. It’s one of his best movies in my opinion.

      • Blackest Noobs

        he was pretty decent as the villain in the the spiderman movie homecoming

        • jesterpunk

          I haven’t seen that yet, waiting for it to come out on one of the movie channels.

          • Blackest Noobs

            check yo local public library, they may have a copy.

            shit tell me your town, i can tell you for sure if they do.

          • Blackest Noobs

            also back to Keaton, he totally could be Batman again but ala Dark Knight Returns Batman….it would be a solid performance and believable as fuck.

          • Blackest Noobs

            also also they finally got Spiderman right too. not a 20something trying to play a teen.

      • Carole

        I love the Death Row scene. We missed the bus, they missed the bus. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS1NEBWPgK4

      • cmd resistor

        Farging icehole.

  • Michael R
  • CATMAN

    Look on the bright side–think about how much more dangerous these dumbfuckers would be if they were actually competent

  • greyXstar

    Christity Christ Christ Christ

    • TJ Barke

      Amen.

  • TootsStansbury

    You know what’s tasty? Roasted acorn sqash with butter, salt and pepper, some grated ginger, pecans and a drizzle of honey. Taaasty!

    • spangled

      have you ever tried honeynut squash? one of the most naturally delicious things I’ve ever had.

      • cmd resistor

        Never heard of it.

    • therblig

      just bought some tonight. was planning a recipe that iirc includes onion, breadcrumbs, and sausage (i use veggie). turned out pretty good last time.

  • shivaskeeper

    Word is WA state is going to try to enforce it’s own net neutrality rules. If Telecoms want to use state power and phone lines they will have to honor the rules as they are now.

    The FCC is basically saying the states can’t do that and when they change the rules they are going to word it to make sure states cannot interfere.

    Legal minded Wonkers: what are the chances of this being able to be a thing? I know CA can have more stringent automobile standards and the automakers pretty much have to abide by the state rules because the market is so big but this does not seem to be the same kind of thing. What jurisdiction would the state have to ensure neutrality outside of state lines for instance?

    • Left Coast Tom

      I’m not familiar with the approach WA might take. But, regarding CA and air quality standards – CA had clean air laws before the Federal government. So, the Federal Clean Air Act was written to allow CA to set its own standards so long as they exceeded the Federal one, then to allow other states to choose either the CA or the Federal standard.

      • shivaskeeper

        Right, but automakers and anyone else can go with the minimum Fed standard instead of the more stringent CA standards and just not be able to sell in CA. None of them want to lose that massive market share. If a place like North Dakota decided to increase their standards to something even more stringent than CA levels, they would not have the financial clout to force any changes in any industries. Manufacturers across the spectrum would be able to write that state off with minimal loses rather than try to meet those new standards. The cost/benefit would be worth that in the long and short term.

        • Left Coast Tom

          That’s the “practicality” side, rather than the jurisdiction side.

          From a technical standpoint, net-discrimination is a matter of Quality of Service tagging and configuration. Companies can already give differential priority to different traffic on their own intranets. So, presumably, the technical implementation of a law like the proposed WA one would be to require traffic to/from customers in that state to all be tagged the same. I’m sure carriers will insist that this would cost a bajillion dollars. It would cost something, but not what is likely to be claimed.

          • Seems to me it would cost more to differentiate than treat all the same.

          • Left Coast Tom

            No, because the technology is already there. As I said, companies can do this internally today.

          • That is what I mean though. The technology right now is to treat everyone the same. Repealing that and having them single out this one or that one and tag these as mo money better than these here and to track it seems to me it would cost more than just letting it be

          • Left Coast Tom

            The technology is there to do both – treat everyone the same, or not.

            If WA is able to “opt out”, somehow, and other states do not, then carriers will implement “net discrimination” because it allows them to collect money from those who aren’t, actually, their customers. At that point, because WA is smaller than the US, the “cost” is that of treating WA-based customers differently.

          • shivaskeeper

            Economic practicality is a huge driver for businesses,

    • Gonna be some more lawsuits and yet MORE breaking of Federal powers- something they’ve been trying to do for 150 years

    • Carole

      It’s one thing to make cars to different standards for sale in different states. But the internet crosses state borders by definition, so I think the Interstate Commerce Clause would rule it out.

      • Left Coast Tom

        I wonder if they would try to use the state’s ability to regulate public utilities.

        • Carole

          That would be mostly intrastate.

      • jesterpunk

        What about States rights?

        • SeeTrainOffTheRails

          “Local government works best … unless it goes against a Red state’s government.”

      • shivaskeeper

        That’s the thing. Cars are not made to different standards for different states. It costs too much to retool the assembly lines. So it’s the CA standard or nothing here.

        • Carole

          Good to know.

        • Left Coast Tom

          There used to be a “49 state” vs “California” emission. As certain coastal states (I think WA may be one) became “CARB” (California Air Resources Board) states, and as manufacturing became more automated, they eventually just went with building to the California standard for everyone.

          • shivaskeeper

            The automation of the assembly lines and the cost of retooling was the key there I think.

    • dieselox

      There is actually a one way VPN like service about to roll out that will cloak any website you visit from your ISP, but not you from the website. I think it’s an Android service at the moment. If it works, it will be Net Neutrality by tech, nothing the ISP can do about it. So far.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    hola homies! What awfulness did I miss?

    (It’s sad when you feel insulated from awfulness in a LAW OFFICE, but that’s modern American politics)

    • jesterpunk

      Stuff and temper tantrums.

    • shivaskeeper

      Stuff. Things. Stuff and things.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        you would do a TERRIBLE job at the wonkagenda.

        ; p

        • The Shiva Agenda also sounds….threatening somehow.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Pssssst….he’s actually surprisingly sweet IRL. Though I would certainly always want to be on his good side.

          • I figured as much. But still. Shiva Agenda.
            Sounds like one of them novels advertised for on TV

          • Delu

            As long as Vishnu is around it’s all good.

        • shivaskeeper

          I would include links to stuff and things.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            stuff.com and things.com?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Everything good today, except Black women be mad at us because we let them “save” us again while doing very little to cover our own sorry asses.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        wait, whut?
        We were cheering black women this morning! (Also black men too, I mean they voted jones at over 95% as well, but…you know, I’m just gonna shut up).

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Yes, and they (or at least the ones on my FB) are good with that, but there’s a whole lotta “your turn” (and rightly so) and “stop making us do this by ourselves while you continue to benefit from white supremacy.”

          • They are NOT wrong in that.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            ah, I see. No argument from me.

      • To be fair, Doug got a third more white vote than any previous Dem since like forever.
        Hardly a plurality or anything, but anything that moves that bar blue.
        But for sure this one was put over the top by the consistent patiences of black people in Alabama. Despite suppression, despite harsh id laws, despite intimidation tactics.

        • therblig

          they persisted.

    • Delu

      Trump saying he was right all along about supporting Luther Strange after Moore lost.

      Of course that’s after he deleted his tweets supporting Luther Strange and then wholeheartedly supported Roy Moore.

  • Non-Threatening Ron

    Okay, Wonketteers, I have a serious question of immense import. I don’t think it’s going too far to say, on it depends the fate of the entire free world.

    When making your own egg nog, how much rum is enough, if one doesn’t want to overpower the other ingredients but wouldn’t mind a nice warm glow therefrom?

    • TJ Barke

      To taste.

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      AOI,K

    • Jonny On Maui

      Other ingredients?

    • Left Coast Tom

      I’d get a nice aged rum, then skip the egg stuff.

      • Exactly.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Easier to drink in front of the children when it looks like eggnog or hot chocolate, just sayin’

    • If you can still taste the nogg, add more rum

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I think eggnog is a foul combination of things that is mucussy and gross. Ugh. Use the rum for something decent, for heaven’s sake.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        I LOVE eggnog! Go-to breakfast in the summer!

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I have always liked you. But, much as I love you, I shall never share a summertime breakfast at your place.

          • I’ll bring the scrapple!

          • covfefesumgame0005

            *shudder* that is just bad spam!

          • Bit your blasphemous tongue!
            scrapple, I will have you know, is FAR superior to spam on many levels! For example, spam has but one animal of parts in it while Scrapple traditionally…has more than one

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Ivan Ramen (the hipsterest thing ever) has a new special of breakfast tacos based on scrapple cooked on a waffle iron.

          • Scrapple needs no waffle checks or taco filling. You fry it up thin until crispy and then eat it.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            Well, I do (although I roast the slices in the convection oven, bc the beleaguered husband has cholesterol issues), And it’s _awesome_

          • Miss Dill

            Sometimes with maple syrup…pancakes optional.

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            Also love scrapple! (Grew up in PA)

          • Me, my co worker lady my son and you. And the Amish.
            But that is ok if other folks do not like. More for us!

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            You can’t find it in Chicago, but they had it in the “ironic food from your childhood” display at World Market once. Hilarity ensued (as in my kids were like what yuk make it go away)

          • Carole

            Jewel has it around the holidays, much to my chagrin. I’m with forgetting the nog and proceeding directly to the rum.

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            I will not set foot in a Jewel. When they bought up all the Dominicks they fired all the union workers, and then wouldn’t even hire them back as non-union, because they were afraid they’d try to organize. (My favorite clerk landed at the local Cermak’s and told me about this.)

          • TootsStansbury

            I had a great aunt who would fix me scrapple. I loved it. Then. Years later. I saw it in the grocery. Mmmm! Alpo!

          • Carpe Vagenda

            My dad was a yankee. I have a mad passion for scrapple (see above).

          • Carpe Vagenda

            You speak to my soul.

            I stopped eating pork ages ago, and my kid and her BF have been scouring Pennsylvania (where he lives) for beef scrapple, which they finally found.

            It makes my b vitamin receptors sing, dodgabbid.

          • They sell both kinds in VA here :D I have been doing the beef myself, for reasons, non of them health related or even ideological lol. It just tastes better to me

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            Full disclosure: I also put kale in smoothies. (seriously, you can hardly tell)

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Sweet Jebus, I’m overcome by the horror. ;)

          • Carpe Vagenda

            My nonna, the greatest cook in the world, who grew up on a subsistence farm, made ravioli with calves brain and kale filling.

            It was awesome. But my mom can’t cook for shit, so I hate kale with the blinding light of a million blazing suns.

        • psychobroad

          It was so funny to me when I read “Farmer Boy” where eggnog was a refreshing summer drink.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      All of it…

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      There is actually an answer to this.

      ~8:1 drink to liquor (i.e., one ounce per 8 oz serving) if you like a suggestion, 4:1 (2 oz per serving) if you want a buzz. More than that and it’ll just be flavored booze.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        *not that there’s anything wrong with that

        • psychobroad

          I was going to say I like flavored booze!

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        TYK! I knew eventually there’d be an actual answer! <glares at his fellow snarkmeisters>