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Move over, James O’Keefe! There’s a new scammer in town and his game is forgery. We don’t know his name yet (and maybe he’s a she!), but some merry prankster has been shopping around a fake sexual harassment complaint against Senator Chuck Schumer (D-Come at the King, Best Not Miss). Axios reports that someone has been approaching DC news outlets with a 13-page PDF purporting to be an unfiled lawsuit from 2012 by a member of Schumer’s staff.

The woman named in the document was a legislative staffer for Schumer from 2009 to 2012, and is now a career employee of the federal government.

The former staffer said she took the matter to Washington, D.C. police on Tuesday. She said the police told her they were unsure of their jurisdiction in the case. She said she now plans to go to Capitol Police.

She told me in a statement: “The claims in this document are completely false, my signature is forged, and even basic facts about me are wrong. I have contacted law enforcement to determine who is responsible. I parted with Senator Schumer’s office on good terms and have nothing but the fondest memories of my time there.”

You could smell the fuckery a mile off — “One of many red flags: No lawyer for the staffer is named.” But still Mike Cernovich (do click through for his Official Journalismist Photo!) and Chuck C. Johnson (same!) spent days promising they were going to TAKE DOWN A SENATOR.

But even a blind, demented, devil-possessed squirrel gets a nut sometimes, and somehow Mike Cernovich figured out that the document was a hoax. Want to watch a 23-minute video of that asshole congratulating himself for being a big boy journalist who only wears pull-ups at night now and doesn’t tweet out unconfirmed slander?

Hahahaha! Of course you don’t want to watch this shite! We are so silly today. It’s probably because we watched seven whole minutes of it ourselves and our brains turned into spaghetti.

Let’s put on our lawyer hat and think of some possible crimes committed here:

  • Forgery
  • Identity theft
  • Slander
  • Libel
  • Defamation
  • Wire Fraud
  • Conspiracy to Commit, all of the above

And probably a bunch more. Like we said, we’ve got SpaghettiOs leaking out our ears now. Here’s a link to the video Cernovich posted yesterday where he claimed to have the hoaxer’s telephone number. Enjoy your talk with the Capitol Police, Mikey!

And here’s Chuck Johnson, who is very sure that HE IS THE REAL VICTIM HERE.

We must have missed the part where he apologized to Schumer and Gillibrand for telling egregious lies about them. He probably sent a handwritten note expressing his deep regret for such a hurtful error. Or maybe the FBI will convey his remorse to the senators after they sit Johnson down for a chat.

In all seriousness, we are very glad that Schumer reported this to the police. James O’Keefe tried to trick a reporter into having sex on camera in 2010. This year he sent a fake sexual assault accuser in to try to discredit the real survivors uncovered by the Washington Post. If no one goes to jail for this shit, it will only get worse. As Schumer’s spokesman Matt House told Media Matters,

We believe the individual responsible for forging the document should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law to prevent other malicious actors from doing the same.

That’s right, Officer. LOCK HIM UP!!!

Are you a good Wonker who sends us money by Amazon? Well not anymore you’re not, because Amazon done fucked our payment system. Would you be so great as to re-sign with Paypal or Stripe? K we love you bye. (All you others can too.)

[Axios / Media Matters / Digg]

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  • Ryan Denniston
    • LiberalANDProud

      Great. I just finished the calculations and apparently I can now afford to retire two years after I’m dead.

      • Oblios_Cap

        You’re lucky. I’ll have to wait ten.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Im buying a house at 63!

        • LiberalANDProud

          After you buy a fridge, can I have the box. I want to own a house too.

          • Ryan Denniston

            Provided my cat tires of said box. Priorities!

  • kilgoretrout

    I miss the days when Merry Pranksters like Grace Slick tried to spike the punch bowl with acid at Trisha Nixon’s wedding reception

    • Ryan Denniston

      We’re left with the derpy leftovers. At least with the acid you could convince yourself to believe in the moment.

      • Eileen Besse

        Yup.

      • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

        But never believe in Jefferson Starship. Built this city, indeed…

  • memzilla Ω

    Mike Cernovich and Charles C. Johnson are beta soy boy cucks.
    (Did I do that right?)

    • SDGeoff3

      It sounds silly enough to me.

    • clubseal

      Is “soy boy” some sort of slur against male hippies?

      • Edith Prickly

        RWNJs think tofu makes people gay.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Oh for FUCKS SAKE!

        • Mary Theresa

          I thought it turned frogs gay and turned their skin into rainbow colors?

          • Edith Prickly

            That’s something in the water – fluoride, H20, whatever? Ask Alex Jones.

          • An Outhouse for the résistance

            They frogs turn rainbow colors after you lick them.

        • clubseal

          I’d ask if you’re kidding, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did think that.

          • tza

            It’s all over Youtube.

          • Edith Prickly

            Sadly, I am not kidding. I also think it’s a dig at non-meating-eating lefties, who of course cannot be real men.

          • clubseal

            I love beef, chicken, pork, you name it, but I realized the other day that about 75 percent of my meals are vegan – oatmeal, peanut butter and honey (I think that’s vegan…?) for breakfast and salads for lunch most days. Maybe that makes me a demi-soy boy.

          • Miles Monroe

            Honey not vegan, as like dairy, is an animal product.

          • clubseal

            I asked the bees nicely and everything.

          • Paul

            Oh. Well that’s different then.

          • onedollarjuana

            Nothing is really vegan, containing various amounts of bug and bacteria bits. Can’t avoid ’em; they’re in the air. In fact, most of that dust that falls onto your breakfast toast is dried skin, or bed mite frass.

          • clubseal

            “In fact, most of that dust that falls onto your breakfast toast is dried skin … ”
            That’s why you should never empty your Ped Egg at the kitchen table.

          • Cornelius Fussbudget

            If your goal is to minimize suffering of animals, you really should be eating insects. Eating only vegetables actually kills more insects during farming than if we just grew and ate the insects directly.

        • OneYieldRegular

          They also thought watching a purple-colored Teletubbie on TV made people gay.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Tinky Winky libelz. This from the people who also thought Bert and Ernie were gay, who have no genitalia, because they are puppets.

        • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

          Oiy.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Dunno, but has Cernovich talked to you about his Magic Spoo?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        No soup!

  • Mary Theresa

    $10K for the identity of person responsible? Roger Stone?

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      This reeks of Project Veritas.

      • Mary Theresa

        It’s a toss up.

      • clubseal

        So rotten milk and old cum sock soup.

      • LiberalANDProud

        Naaah, this is way too complex a topic for that swarmy little prick O’Keefe.

      • onedollarjuana

        Except for the “sophisticated” nature of the forged complaint.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “The hoaxer was calling from inside your house!”

      • LiberalANDProud

        “The hoaxer was calling from inside The White House.”

  • Michael Smith

    One begins to get the impression that these conservative champions are very limited in terms of their intellectual abilities.

  • Victoria Ricola

    LOL. The incompetent foot soldiers of the alt-right strike again. It ain’t so easy without Vlad directing the attacks and providing the bots, huh.

  • goonemeritus

    Between the Trump administration and members of the “alternative” conservative media we are going to have to build more prisons.

    • Edith Prickly

      Trump-branded hotels should be going cheap shortly.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Insert Cruel and Unusual Punishment joke here.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    Wow. It boggles the mind that such a brilliantly conceived plan would ultimately fail.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Amateurs. How is there not an O’Keefe University of Conservative Ethics to teach this stuff?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Bad luck.

  • schmannity

    Chuck Johnson should go back to freeing Prince Albert from the can with his “encrypted email.”

  • clubseal

    Mike Cernovich looks like a poor fecal sculpture representation of Bradley Cooper.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Well, this just proves that all those women accusing Moore and Trump are liars, because clearly, one hoax means all claims are invalid. Nice work, Chuckles.

    • Stulexington

      Now now hold your horses there, it only means all claims against conservatives are invalid. Also are we really really sure it’s a hoax? Maybe we should fire up a half dozen congressional investigations just to be sure.

  • Edith Prickly

    They’re all Pinky, no Brain.

    • MynameisBlarney

      EGAD LIBULZ!

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        NARF!

        • MynameisBlarney

          POIT!

  • Ryan Denniston

    Trump Blackmail. Sure to work out as well as Trump Vodka and Trump Airlines.

    • MynameisBlarney

      TURMP STEAKS LIBULZ!

      • Ryan Denniston
        • MynameisBlarney

          Wait…
          Tha fuck is Matt Damon doin in the background there?

        • Doug Langley

          Burnt and with ketchup.

        • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

          Those are clearly NOT Trump-brand steaks. They’re not crawling with maggots and roaches.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I’m sure that’s because maggots and roaches have better taste.

          • Covfefe

            OT. You wanna stomp a roach, first fill a glass of water and dump the water on the roach. Roach won’t be able to get traction.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          I hope he washes his hands before he shakes the president’s hand. . .

  • Joe Beese
    • kilgoretrout

      Isn’t that the way all women are treated by Trump’s organization?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      We NEED this footage!

      • Joe Beese

        “Do you know who I am?! Take your hands off me!”

        • wide_stance_hubby

          “Take your hands off me, don’t you know where I’ve been?”

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Nice writing & editing, WSJ.

      Four paragraphs–in a row–start as ‘Ms. Manigault Newman’. I may read ad copy for a living, but I would never allow such a thing.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Would a pronoun, now and then, kill them?

        • Oblios_Cap

          Don’t get me going about adverb misuse.

          • Paul

            Bigly.

  • Zonath

    All obviously a liberal plot to discredit well-respected journa…. BWAHAHAHAAHAHAH!! Sorry, couldn’t keep a straight face for that one.

    • Crystalclear12

      Good effort!

  • Crystalclear12

    You would think with the experience actually committing sexual assault and harassment they would be better at framing someone for it.

    Side bet that it was O’Keefe.

  • canes_pugnaces

    I heard a NPR interview with Mike C. There may be a worse person out there, certainly there are some a bad (Trump). But after a few minutes my blood pressure went up, and and I had to turn the radio off. Who the fuck are these people?

    • Ryan Denniston
    • rocktonsam

      That was “On the Media.” The guy wouldn’t shut up after the host called him on some b.s. The left the interview just like Terry Gross kicked billo’s ass. There all a bunch of pussies.

      • canes_pugnaces

        Thank you. I was trying to find that. It was really fucking insane. These people are so fringe, and appealing to other fringe people it’s a wonder we’re not at war with each other. Oh wait.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    encrypted emails and texts? Ha ha ha! Chucky thinks he’s some type of James Bond top secret journalist with important sources. I bet they were in Russian and he was to ‘decrypt’ them using Google Translate.

    • Doug Langley

      He’s just in it for the fast cars and hot women.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Imagine his surprise when he figures out there was a mix up and he got the hot cars and the fast women.

    • schmannity

      Secret Ginger Man

    • Ryan Denniston

      I’d die if he got caught up in the Mueller investigation.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iaR3WO71j4

    • Oblios_Cap

      Did he pour bleach on them after he read them?

    • canes_pugnaces

      I am willing to bet he is responsible for these. He is, after all, a failed lawyer — which is a feat in and of itself.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Chuck, if you sent it to multiple “lawyers”, and none of them noticed that the complaint didn’t name a lawyer for the alleged plaintiff, I suspect you’re being catfished by more than just sources.

    • jesterpunk

      To be fair he could have went to the “lawyers” the Trump administration is nominating for open judicial positions.

    • An Outhouse for the résistance

      You can’t believe anything that comes out of the doofus’s mouths. Of course he didn’t send it to any lawyers and the ‘$10k reward’ is his sad attempt to keep his ass out of jail.

      • ariel_gee_398

        His story is as believable as the plot in your standard Lifetime movie.

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          …standard Hallmark Christmas movie.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That’s the problem, right there.

      There is no shortage of lawyers around. Kayla Moore even knows one who is a Jjjjjjew.

  • schmannity

    As seen in the Chicago Reader:

    Seeking janitor for toilet cleaning at the Barack Obama Presidential Library. Job requires large hands, a clean HR record, and ability to keep daily lies under 5.5. No Nazis please!

  • kilgoretrout

    Let’s see if his magic spoo gets him out of this one.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Is Mikey a few teeth short? I could only watch for so long, but it looks like it.

  • canes_pugnaces
    • MynameisBlarney

      Yet another Cylopean eyed motherfuckin douchetard.
      Must be a fuckin prerequisite for these Magic Spoo dumb asses.
      “eyes can be further than 15 mm’s apart”

      • Oblios_Cap

        Well, it’s no like there’s a lot of gray matter in the space between them.

  • LiberalANDProud

    “congratulating himself for being a big boy journalist who only wears pull-ups at night now”

    Pfft, his has animals on it. I have racing cars!!

  • Mary Theresa

    If only someone had done their jurno stuff.

    A source close to Schumer told Axios the lawsuit contained other errors, including two dates Schumer supposedly was in Washington when he was actually in France or New York.
    http://heavy.com/news/2017/12/chuck-schumer-sexual-harassment-mike-cernovich-chuck-johnson-vic-berger/

  • shivaskeeper

    So is this Dunning-Kruger, the Peter Principle, or pathological lying in action, or ? Or some of all three? Seriously. These jackasses point to everything they disagree with as fake news or planted stories by paid accusers. It is only a matter of time before they try to plant their own because if libtards can do it, it must be super easy. Just like the fucksticks who keep getting caught trying to do voter fraud to show how easy it is.

    Also, I feel the need to point out that these two are held up as intellectual giants by the right.

    • Edith Prickly

      All of the above. And as I said on another thread, righties are suckers for self-promoting con men.

      • shivaskeeper

        I know the base has a tendency to fall for the con men. But the con men themselves falling for their own brand of bullshit gobsmacks me every single time. They know they are making up lies and cons and then they fall for their own lies and cons.

        • Edith Prickly

          They think everyone else is as easily fooled as their brain-dead fans.

          • shivaskeeper

            I get that. The question is why do they fall for their own lies? These are the some of the ones pushing the narrative that all of Moore’s accusers were paid to do it. It was all fake and made up.

            Then they try to push a fake, made up story along the same lines. I am doubtful there is a source for this accusation because these clowns don;t ever tell the truth. Why would they tell the truth about this source for this story? One of the two, if not both, likely made it up from whole cloth and then apparently believed it later.

          • Edith Prickly

            Or they just went in CYA mode because they realized no one was buying it and are pretending it came from an outside source. Though I can’t really give them credit for thinking that hard about it.

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      Intellectual giant of the right::tallest elf in the workshop

  • LiberalANDProud

    “currently reading the sexual harassment settlement”

    Shit. These fuckers can read?!?! It truly is the End Times.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Sure they can read.
      But they can’t NOT read out loud and it takes them fuckin FOREVER just to sound out words with more than two syllables.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Their mouths were moving the whole time.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Oblios_Cap

      Can they actually do anything?

  • schmannity

    When your Johnson is red, seek medical attention.

    • Covfefe

      If it’s red, do you still wait four hours? Asking for a friend.

      • Ryan Denniston

        What topical applications may have been applied to said Johnson?

        • Covfefe

          Does this mean my friend has to call her?

          • Ryan Denniston

            I’m just asking questions. Are we talking paprika? Bengay? Something worse? Mistakes can be made you know.

          • Covfefe

            What if he has to call her to find out?

          • Ryan Denniston

            Then he isn’t doing it right. No one allows anyone to apply said topical applications on an experimental basis without a proven record. Or did I do science wrong?

          • Covfefe

            I’ll mention it to him.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Cernovich and Johnson are probably the culprits. I’m not a big Schumer fan, but I’m glad he’s siccing the law on those assholes. I would have loved them to try this shit with Harry Reid.

  • Anna Rompage

    Speaking of morons, Roy Moore, him and his spokespeople are the gift that keep on giving.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFYRkzznsc0

    • kilgoretrout

      He wished Jake Tapper a Merry Christmas! Dumb fucker.

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        Tapper is a Jewish so it just bounced off.

        • laineypc

          prolly that’s why he agreed to the interview, he wanted to wish a Jew a Merry Christmas on national TV because that would show everybody that Christians won’t be pushed around.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      The “Merry Christmas, Jake” was the best part. Like, “Is this Chinatown? I don’t know nothin’ ’bout Chinatown. Will someone tell me where is the door, please? I shouldn’t be in Chinatown”….

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      I heard that on the radio yesterday and thought it was funny. Watching it was hilarious. Oh and the insensitive, “Merry Christmas, Jake” at the end just proves what fuckers these people are.

    • sincarne

      I NEED someone to dub those little cartoon xylophone “blink blink” sounds over that dude’s long pause.

      Edit: this sound: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apffiBknIm4

  • Cernovich went after Chuck,
    But Schumer done made him a cuck.
    He grabbed that ‘Proud Boy’
    Crammed him full of soy,
    And now he’s got titties to suck.

    • armed_bears

      OK. As a limerick’er myself, Imma say that’s good.

  • Edith Prickly

    I think the trolls are back on the Fuck You SHS thread. I just got a reply to a two-week-old noncomment.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Let them fling the poo.

      • Edith Prickly

        Oh I have no intention of going back in there. If they’re too stupid to find the current threads I ain’t helping them out.

  • canes_pugnaces
    • kilgoretrout

      Love it!!

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Also to love: ‘the media cannot be played”. Oh, irony.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      As a result of the 15th, 17th and 19th amendments:

      15: Blacks can vote
      17: Direct election of Senators
      19: Women can vote

    • gallbladder

      Smooth. I could watch that all the live-long day.

    • Shanzgood

      This makes me as happy as the white lady on the bicycle who flipped off Trump’s motorcade.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Day-um! Ladies!

    • John Thorstensen

      I would like to personally thank both of those lovely ladies for (a) existing and (b) getting themselves to the polls. Black women went for Jones by something like a 50 to 1 margin. Once again, the African Americans save America.

    • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

      These arms are made for votin’

    • kLo

      I hear if you show this video 3 times to an alt-right ~journalist~ they will spontaneously combust.

    • kLo

      I hear if you show this video 3 times to an alt-right ~journalist~ they will spontaneously combust.

  • TJ Barke

    God these people are fucking idiots.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Ya hear that? That’s the sound of the Republican Party dying.

    • shivaskeeper

      How many times has that been said? FFS Newt was supposed to be their death knell back in the mid ’90s. Not only did it not die, but he’s back in the good graces again.

      • Jonny On Maui

        It’s the zombie party and no one’s taking a head shot…

        • Shanzgood

          Exactly!

        • shivaskeeper

          Buried face down at a lonely crossroads.

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            We’re gonna need more crossroads.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          As long as there are

          1) Old people
          2) racists
          3) sexists
          4) mega-rich
          5) anti-science people
          6) anti-choice people
          7) anti-gay people
          8) et al

          there is no chance, ever, of exterminating the fetid undead corpse of the R-party.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Well, I’m only 1). I never et any al…

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Ha. I know you’re an old lefty, but I bet on Maui you meet a LOT of retired-military rock-ribbed-Republicans.

            My byword is “Be wary of old white people in warm places.”

          • Jonny On Maui

            Most of us olds that I’ve met here are old lefties, Haight Ashbury escapees. I think the Rs are on Oahu…

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        I don’t think the Pope likes him at all….

    • Ryan Denniston

      I love the smell of bacon in the morning. Smells like, victory.

      • Shanzgood

        Hey!

    • redarmyzombie

      Oh, for a moment I thought another skunk got ran over!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That’s the sound of Republican Party (née the Dixiecrats) committing suicide.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      They drove a wooden stake through its heart (with votes) but forgot to fill its mouth with blessed communion wafers (with votes). Now we have to round up all the townsfolk again. Jeez.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I wish.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Remember the old days, like back in 2008, when you woke up every morning and the news from Washington DC wasn’t so good but at least it was about politics and social policy and economic policy and not disheveled drunk weirdo hired by the president or an equally weird woman on his staff trying to strong arm her way into the residence? Now its’ Fucked News, 24-7. The USA is now nothing but a bad reality show. Truman, are you there?

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      Harry S or Jim Carrey?

      • OrdinaryJoe

        AOTK

  • Mary Theresa
    • Shanzgood

      Haha! Baconz needs that!

      • Doug Langley

        How tall is he?

        • Shanzgood

          He’s 6’5″ but he SAYS he’s 6’4″ because that sounds like a more “normal” height.

          • Doug Langley

            Oh yes, there’s just gobs of people who are 6′ 4″.

          • Shanzgood

            Well, my son and my cousin and my great-uncle/s are/were that kinda tall. My dad is 6’2″ and his mom was 6′. I got grandpa’s “short” genes and only ended up 5’7″, like him.

          • Doug Langley

            My parents were around 5′ 10″ or so, but I ended up 6′ and my sister 6′ 2″. Go figure.

          • Shanzgood

            Maybe they secretly fed her better than they did you.

          • Skeptical_thinker

            Maybe not too far from the truth. I am he youngest of four (seven years separation) and height progression is by age. The family income and food quality improved mightily during those seven years.

    • Ling Ling

      Wish I had thought of that. I would add, “yes it is difficult to crawl in tiny airplanes.”

    • gene108

      Volleyball is a game, at every competitive levels, exclusively for tall men (and women). Sometimes you get a short guy at 6’7″ in the line-up, but that’s rare.

      You’ll never see the likes of basketball players like 5’9″ Nate Robinson, 5’7″ Spud Webb or 5’3″ Muggsy Bogues on a volleyball court, they would be too short to be useful.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        I remember standing in a cashier line behind Tiny Archibald, He an I are the same height. Both a bit more than 6 feet,

      • Odd Jørgensen

        Had 3 jr. natl team players in my class back in the day, 2 of them was tall-ish at 6,2-6,3 but one was a teeny tiny tot at 5’6″ and considered the best in the country at facilitating a smash hit.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        I played on a team in my company’s volleyball league – we had two guys who were 6’8″, one guy who was 6’2″, and a bunch of south Asian guys, not known for their height, and a bunch of women, none of whom was taller than 5’7″.
        We managed, but there was not a lot of spiking from some of us.

      • Clark_Nova

        I always saw it more as a breeding program than an actual sport. The height of the basket should be determined by the height of the players.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I need one that starts: “Yes. I’m an old fart…..”

      • Shanzgood

        I think one that says “NO” would serve a lot of purposes.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        So do I!

        Could we order them in bulk?

        There must be enough old farts around to lower the cost per unit significantly.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Count me in.

          • Mary Theresa

            Yep, same here.

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            Also, too!

    • Doug Langley

      There was the wit who every time he was asked “Do you play basketball?” replied “No, do you play miniature golf?”

    • Crank Tango

      No mention of the weather up there. Odd.

      • Mary Theresa

        Yes, it’s there, near the bottom.

        • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

          The weather is near his bottom?!
          JUST HOW TALL IS THIS GUY?!

          • laineypc

            Goddammit can’t you people read???

      • Odd Jørgensen

        yes?

      • Rags

        Wilt the Stilt’s answer to the weather question was “Spit in their eye and tell them it’s raining.”

    • John Thorstensen

      I know a guy who’s significantly taller. He used to drive around in an old beetle that he’d modified by taking out the driver’s side front seat — he drove from the back!

  • Michael Smith

    OT I went over to Breitbart to see if I could get a taste of the right wing tears. What a horrible place that website is. Every article has like 3800 comments, most of which are just random offensive statements directed at no one.

    • Beautiful Soup

      One I saw last night: “The blacks still haven’t learned.”

      • Persistent Tennessee Rain

        They “learned” better than the white wimmins.

        • Mary Theresa

          #blackwomen

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          It’s embarrassing to be a white woman in times like these. I don’t want to be counted in with the racist twits and evangelical bitches, but when I hear “white women fucked us over,” I keep wanting to say “wait…but not all…” and then I bite my fucking tongue because yes, white women earned that criticism.

      • altleftjohn
      • Edith Prickly

        Oh, I think they have…

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          They proved it last night and saved us all!

      • Prollynottoday.

        I was impressed last night with Charles Barkley in AL for Jones. I don’t follow the Hoops so I didn’t know he was that involved in politics. Reel Good Guy.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Smart and funny sportsball commentator, too. Rolls with the fat guy jokes pretty well, because his whole career as a pretty darn good hoopster, he was always kinda chubby for that sport.

          • bobbert

            The Round Mound of Rebound.

    • Zonath

      “Offensive statements directed at no one” seems to describe most of the articles there too

      • John Thorstensen

        I much prefer “Opaque melodies that would BUG most people.” (Captain Beefheart.)

        • A squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast and bulbous, got me?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Ass rockets in flight, afternoon delight.

    • Daniel

      The Home Of Ichoate Rage

    • mike stone

      I am certain Bannon gets Putin money to keep the operation’s lights on. Moreover, if you read the comments, they seem to be from a russianbot.

      I think the entire thing is a big scam.

    • Cornelius Fussbudget

      I’d been to the site before but I could never get past the headlines. But you’re right, the comments are completely hilarious. No one has any kind of topic to bring up, so every single comment is just a reply to whoever was first. And each comment is just a random, barely coherent and probably misspelled thought. This must be what Trump’s brain is like.

      • laineypc

        Sounds like a bunch of lonely bros who don’t know how to relate to other men very well because that would mean that they are gay.

    • phoenix00

      Russian bots.

      Remember no Dok Zoom with BOLC.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Two words for you, Silkwood shower.

  • Bebecca

    I told hubby last night that it sounded like O’Keefe but a little more sophisticated although not much.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Shitgibbon talking live now.

    Ordinary Americans testifying to tax cuts that do not exist.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      They are thrilled, thrilled at the thought of all the money Trump promised they will be getting soon.

  • Michael R
    • redarmyzombie

      …wut?

    • Daniel

      This makes no sense.

    • cheetojeebus

      thafuque?

    • ltmcdies

      fuck off, Mike….seriously…just….fuck….. off.

    • Oblios_Cap

      More virile? How is that? They have hairy tails?

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))
      • Nasty Girl Brianna

        What a lovely couple those two make.

    • Zombishroom

      tastes better too.

    • gallbladder

      It’s my guess he’s speaking from experience.

    • Shanzgood

      I guess that explains why I’m so depressed.

      • Prollynottoday.

        Uh. Um. Er. Well, uh. I am, as such, at a loss for words.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I’d be happy to help you out but I’m probably not your type.

    • Edith Prickly

      But no soy, cause that makes your semen gay.

    • Crank Tango

      I wonder how much of his jizz he had to drink to reach that conclusion.

    • Anne Of Green Bagels

      I wonder which bath house he graduated from. Steamworks?

    • Carpe Vagenda

      It’s interesting that he refers to men in both the second and third person here.

    • TJ Barke

      Yeah, pretty sure it’s just the sex that treats the depression.

      • Odd Jørgensen

        Pretty sure sex with weird Mike will just turn the depression levels up to 11.

        • TJ Barke

          Maybe.

        • A (very) short moment followed by a lifetime of regret.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      How would he know?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Jeebuzz guy, go back to your electronic hidey hole in the dark web. Nobody cares about you.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist
  • BadKitty904

    Chuck Schumer, LUV Machine…

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Shitgibbon talking live. Rubes being pushed forward to say how his used car dealership is the bestest in all of wide track town.

    Meanwhile, as bridges collapse and roads decay, just fuck it all.

  • eastcoastlib

    I smell the putrid stench of Project Veritas, Someone open a window

    • Mary Theresa

      I smell the stench of Roger Stone.

      QUOTE: Roger Stone says it’s Al Franken’s “time in the barrel”. Franken next in long list of Democrats to be accused of “grabby” behavior.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        So, what’s interesting about that? Is that both Cernovich and Johnson claimed they had the Franken allegations before they were released.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Because they manufactured some of them?

          • Carpe Vagenda

            You know, Maggie Haberman tried to erase it from his history (she literally said he got his political start with Reagan) but Roger Stone worked for CREEP with Don Segretti, the guy who coined the word ‘ratfucking’, and was a protege of Roy Cohn’s.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Maggie is our Tokyo Rose.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            I suspect she sees herself more as Lady HawHaw.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            I had to look that one up, as I was not familiar with it. I suspect you are right. Villains never think they are one.

  • cheetojeebus

    “our brains turned into spaghetti.” Bolognese or Puttanesca? inquiring minds are a bit peckish.

    • gallbladder

      And please pass the parmesan.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Ah, Mueller!

    • maman

      Carbonara… I think there would be bacon involved.

      • Newzheimer

        Yes, please.

        Because everything’s better with bacon.

      • Clark_Nova

        You don’t make Carbonara with bacon. Maybe in America you could get away with that. In Italy: INFAMNIA.

        • maman

          When I was young and poor and couldn’t lay my hands on pancetta, it made do.

        • HarpyLibtart

          Can I use prosciutto though?

    • Fettucini Alfredo

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Hannity outrage segment in 5 … 4 … 3 …

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    So, this is a step up from the rape tweets I suppose.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    They must have went to a party Citizen Journalism school.

  • maman

    Um. Aren’t some of those potential crimes, RICO predicates? I’ll hang up and listen for my answer.

  • Me The People

    Chuck C Johnsons prison name will be ‘Gizmo’.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      …or “bitch.”

  • YouInDangerGirl!

    Chuck should save that 10 grand for the retainer he’ll have to pay his attorney, who will burn through it in a month. If these guys think they’re going to inherit the world, they need to figure out how it works. But oh, I forgot — these men use extreme ideologies as a shield against life kicking them in the nuts over and over and over again.

  • jesterpunk

    Chuck should know better after the last few dozen times he got busted for fake accusations.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_C._Johnson#Controversies

    • JustDon’tSayProbably

      LOL “Chuck should know better”. That’s not a thing Chuck does.

      • Edith Prickly

        ONLY BETA CUCKS LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.

      • Clark_Nova

        To which Chuck are you referring?

        • JustDon’tSayMoore

          Johnson. Duh. Are you new here, or just high?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      There’s a reason he’s known as the stupidest man on the internet.

      • Isn’t that Jim Hoft? Though the Rage Furby is certainly giving him a run for his money.

        • I’m thinking this pair takes the title after this dumbfuckery

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Rags

      I can’t

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        No… nor can I…I just can’t.

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          You just can’t. I can’t even.

    • Parakeetist

      Lmao

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I dunno. I’d hit that.

    • 52camellias

      Yes! Especially when compared to, say, Trey Gowdy or Yertle.

  • Non-Threatening Ron

    I wish I could believe people were going to jail for this.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      I think Chuck Schumer doesn’t have a great sense of humor when it comes to this stuff. Then again, Rump will probably pardon him

    • ringmod76

      Well, at leatht Thernovith will half to thpend a lot of money on lawyerth.

  • Prollynottoday.

    For some unknown reason I think I will make pasta tonight.

    • rg9rts

      Chinese

  • mancityRed6

    I was a sponge for the tears over last night’s loss. I will admit I read about this on whirled nut daily. mea culpa. most of the insanity in the comments had to do with how Schumer must have done this himself so he could set up a defense against any others that would be coming forward. good lord, I really would like that 5 minutes of my life back.

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      Whoa! Who knew the Human Centipede was real, and had so many people in it?!

      Wignuts are making “figuratively” closer to meaning “literally” every day.

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Don’t you see that this is a false flag operation set up by Chuck and Nancy???????

      • Clark_Nova

        Unfortunately, I could.

  • Royal Ugly Dude

    I’m no royal ugly lawyer, but I think this might have been some kind of crime.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Cernovich needs to go to jail for this.

  • Boojum

    42 U.S.C. Section 1985(1), conspiracy against federal office holder:

    (1) Preventing officer from performing duties
    If two or more persons in any State or Territory conspire to prevent, by force, intimidation, or threat, any person from accepting or holding any office, trust, or place of confidence under the United States, or from discharging any duties thereof; or to induce by like means any officer of the United States to leave any State, district, or place, where his duties as an officer are required to be performed, or to injure him in his person or property on account of his lawful discharge of the duties of his office, or while engaged in the lawful discharge thereof, or to injure his property so as to molest, interrupt, hinder, or impede him in the discharge of his official duties; . . .

    in any case of conspiracy set forth in this section, if one or more persons engaged therein do, or cause to be done, any act in furtherance of the object of such conspiracy, whereby another is injured in his person or property, or deprived of having and exercising any right or privilege of a citizen of the United States, the party so injured or deprived may have an action for the recovery of damages occasioned by such injury or deprivation, against any one or more of the conspirators.

    Also neglect to prevent under Section 1986.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Hope Cernovich knows a good lawyer who didn’t have to sign away over half a million dollars a year to get rid of him.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Wouldn’t it be fun if she was the prosecuting attorney? (WTH, conflict of interest doesn’t seem to exist anymore.)

        • Carpe Vagenda

          She paid enough to get him out of her life.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Which should be common knowledge. He is a parasite.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    So Chuckles went from shitting the hallway to shitting the bed…

    • NotALiar

      Dude just has to shit everywhere. Todd Starnes drinks his own urine.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        I keep waiting for the Starnes scandal to drop. It is going to be low.

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    Derp, thy name is Mike Cernovich and Chuck Johnson.

  • Yeah right, they probably got tipped that the police were on to the scheme and so ducked down to pretend they knew it! all along to keep from getting nailed for all those crimer things.

    • MANGO CRIMES

      I am willing to bet his “hoax” tweet came AFTER he was contacted by the cops, because that is how investigative journalism works

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      We’re going to take down a senator? Yes, they’re not guilty of anything.

  • chronozoan

    Not to worry. Mrs.Clarence Thomas will probably give him an award for this.

    • VirGinYa

      It will be on a can of coke.

      • doninkansas

        With one of her pubes on it?

  • Clark_Nova

    NO ONE would have sex with Schumer, including Mrs. Schumer, I’m sure.

    • blaid droog

      Couldna said that better myself. I really hate shoomer.

  • Bitter Scribe

    So Johnson and Cernovich are now claiming they were victims of a hoax?

    “Gee, Officer, I have no idea how that cocaine got in my glovebox!”

    • SeeTrainOffTheRails

      I guess you’re right. Gotta be coke. When’s the last time you saw a fat red-headed meth addict?

    • That bong is just decoration, officer
      I’m starting an antique bong collection

    • Alan

      Holding it for a friend?

  • Jgb979

    God forbid if their side ever gets someone who isn’t a complete effing moron …

    • At the crossroads, stay strong

      Possibility of this happening: 0.0%.

  • “A complaint”
    “An unfiled lawsuit”
    Um
    jesus dude
    The second isn’t actually a thing
    and the first is public record sooooo

  • Alan

    They’re too fucking stupid to know they can actually get in trouble for this? WTF?

  • Duke

    All publicity is good publicity if you’re a lying jackass.

  • blaid droog

    Too many rwnj-s to keep track of. I asked the google to conjure me a pic of chucke johnson. There he was with his arm around his buddy georgie zimmerman. He looks too stupid to damage chuckie shoomer. He looks like a guy whose boomerang comes back and hits him in the head.

  • blaid droog

    Just read. Dan Johnson done gone and killed hisself.

    • Who is Dan Johnson?

      • blaid droog

        More correctly, who was dan johnson. He was a rwnj who was mercilessly shredded by wonkette blogger Fakakta South. Guess he couldn’t handle the mockery.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      Fuck me running.

      • James

        A Kentucky state rep who was once a pastor and used his pulpit to plump for Donald Trump. He stood accused of raping a minor, and was involved in an arson on his church years ago, along with an attempted arson of his car that he paid others to do.

  • Margaret Lamont

    Oh, Charles C. Johnson, Jesus wept.
    Like I said, the GOP is grasping at straws.
    Cernovich is as unwatchable on video as I thought he’d be.
    ” He wasn’t a human being, ” says Cernovich, ” He was a demon. ” Cernovich felt a very evil presence.
    Funny, he looked like a nerdy young guy yanking your chain to me, Mikey.
    It seems the alt-right’s major platform requires being a sexist, dim-witted , douche-canoe.

  • rg9rts

    Called it as soon as I heard it…poor try at dirty tricks

  • Tom Piper

    At least as far back as Nixon Republicans had dirty tricksters. HeII, Nixon had a whole team of them. They called themselves “ratf*ckers”

    Nixon’s team trained up the likes of Lee Atwater, Karl Rove, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Charlie Black, Roger Ailes and a few others. Most of that group is either dead, in legal jeopardy or laying low.

    Those guys were all professional ratf*ckers. This new generation are all amateurs.

    • Sakonyachen

      Damned internet. Made it easier to lie, but harder to get away with it.

  • Carole

    Ith a hoaxth.

  • Carole

    Best response to Mike C’s “ith a hoaxth!” tweet. https://twitter.com/rocketmane/status/940968657622065152

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