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Update — Representative Dan Johnson committed suicide on Wednesday afternoon. He left a note. Our killermartinis has thoughts for all of us here. And a reminder, if you need it: We here (and in the comments) don’t wish pain or hell on people, except sometimes Dick Cheney.

Welp, just as soon as we rid ourselves of one (credibly accused) redneck, God-shielding, child molesting sex predator, another one comes along right behind it, like a disgusting never-ending human centipede of sexual assault. Kentucky State Representative Dan Johnson has been (credibly accused) of rape, and the details are what can best be called seriously horrifying.

In 2012 on New Year’s Eve, Dan Johnson hosted a party. One of his party guests, 17-year-old Maranda Richmond, fell asleep on his couch. She woke up a while later to Johnson kissing her on the forehead. At first she thought this was “fatherly,” but when he moved on to forcibly put his hand under her shirt and grab her 17-year-old boob, and then shove his finger into her 17-year-old, unwilling vagina, this was not fatherly at all and Miss Richmond was, naturally, explicitly, and visibly upset. She told him no, and to get away, and Johnson told her she would like it. Now Dan Johnson argues that people who are elected are just people, and people are not perfect, and he did not do any of this and it is all a lie brought about by NPR and this current frenzy of accusing political people of the sex stuff they do:

It is the season. Last election it seemed to be racism. This election it seems to be sexual impropriety, Johnson complained. People want to go back over my whole entire life…There is no reason I would resign.

Did we forget to mention he was her pastor? Did we also forget to mention that he was once arrested for insurance fraud and car arson like a common Darrell Issa? Because it’s no “molest a girl you’re pastoring,” but he did that too.

The problem with that idea is that Maranda Richmond reported this to the Louisville police in 2013, and we do not think it was because she was getting a jump on being able to accuse people of things four years later to screw with an election. Also, you ain’t gotta be perfect to know thou shalt not put your hands in the pants of, and your finger inside, anyone, including if not especially, a “groggy” 17-year-old who is asleep on your couch.

According to the state law of Kentucky, forcible penetration of one person’s sex organs with any part of another person’s body — which would include a disgusting old man’s finger — that is rape, and rape is against the law in a major felonious kind of way even if the police in Louisville don’t do anything about it the first time it is brought their attention. It’d be real good though if maybe some public questions as to why exactly they did not do anything could help persuade them to re-open the investigation.

Also, we probably should go back over Dan Johnson’s entire life because it seems pretty certain that this is a thing Dan Johnson might have done before or after he has been (credibly) accused of doing it this time.

Naturally, Dan Johnson held a press conference to say he is not going to resign in his [Liar, Liar] “Hearts On Fire” church, and before he told the congregation of media people that he did not fingerbang a teenager against her will, he sang O Come All Ye Faithful, like you do, with backup singers behind him, because he never did what this girl is accusing him of, that she reported to the police in explicit detail four years ago. This girl did not even “wait 40 years to come forward.” She went to the police after it happened and the police did nothing except close the case and they haven’t said why exactly they did that yet.

As for the “last election it was racism,” part of his defense, Dan Johnson should know, because he got into all kinds of non-trouble when he put several posts on Facebook calling the Obamas monkeys, because he is an unoriginal racist as well as an alleged rapist. Dan Johnson got elected after the people in his district knew about the racism. Now we get to find out if the representative who has been (credibly accused) of rape will get to stay that way.

[LouisvillePublicMedia]

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  • msanthropesmr

    YUK!

  • mary5920

    Gosh, a sanctimonious racist rapist. He’s got the whole package! Hello parson, welcome to hell!

    • BadKitty904

      A natural-born Repervlican!

      • mary5920

        Back in the day, they called ’em hypocritical Scribes & Pharisees. Some things keep cycling back up.

        • BadKitty904

          Interestingly, the ONE sin Jesus preached against more than any other was hypocrisy. Pretty prescient, I’d say…

  • armed_bears

    If I begin any future statement by signing, I AM GUILTY OF SOMETHING.

    Just lettin’ ya know.

  • WiscoJoe

    Last election it seemed to be racism. This election it seems to be sexual impropriety. Next election they’ll probably start to hold people accountable for cannibalism. It’s a slippery slope!

  • BadKitty904
  • onedollarjuana

    He has nice fundagelical hair.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Hey, let’s set the record straight on trends here, Dan, okay? Racism is still an issue this election cycle. It’s just that we are ADDING the sexual harassment part. See?

  • redarmyzombie

    Well, color me fucking shocked.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
    • redarmyzombie

      Okay, Skwerl, I JUST ate my fucking breakfast!

    • Ryan Denniston

      Lucky duckies. There’s a serious ad campaign here for, something. 18 wheeler rigs maybe?

    • Ryan Denniston

      Yes! I know where Blake belongs!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd5ZLJWQmss

    • Msgr_MΩment

      What, me worry?

      Yes, we think that you should.

    • FlownΩver

      And yet again –

      Lunch, I’d like you to meet Floor.

  • Victoria Ricola

    Seriously horrifying is right.

  • BadKitty904

    It is the season.

    No, it’s the crime.

  • clubseal

    Probably not the best idea to sing a song with the word “come” in it after being accused of rape, but maybe that’s just me.

    • arglebargle

      Faithful is in there, too. Was his wife one of the backup singers?

  • Steve Bittern

    Fakata South,

    BTW, thank you for your election eve Alabama column. I clipped parts of it, ( only the best parts), and forwarded it everywhere.

  • arglebargle

    We’re going to be doing this for the foreseeable future, aren’t we. Just trying to gauge my scotch intake and budget accordingly.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Domestic whiskies can be good… and can stretch one’s licker dollars. Or should that be whiskys?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Whisky for Scotch, whiskey for everything else. I think. It’s all good.

        Except for Canadian; drinkable in an emergency, but best avoided.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          I think whisky is not just Canada. The mnemonic I learned was… whiskey for countries with an E in the name. That’s why they are Scotch whiskys.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Oh great, you expect me to remember how to spell ‘Canada’ when I’ve been drinking?

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Just remember their national anthem Oh Canada, to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree 🎄

  • goonemeritus

    I don’t think this is what Jesus had in mind.

  • Douglas White

    Forget it Jake…. it’s Louisville…

  • Beelzebubba

    The police did nothing, and her parents were OK with it? That’s pretty fucked up.

  • Resistor Radio

    What the fuck, Louisville PD? Do pastors get a free pass? Did you investigate, even a little? What the everloving fuck?
    “How come these women never came forward, huh?” – is a thing dudes like to say sometimes, and THIS. THIS is why women many don’t come forward. A teenage girl wakes up with her pastor’s finger inside her and cops be like, eh, whaddya gonna do?

    • clubseal

      Among many other faults, our country has a severe shortage of empathy.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      She said, (assume what) he said. No case. Classic.

  • memzilla Ω

    One would be tempted to say that the whole rationale of the Rethuglican party is fucking people without their consent.

    • Zonath

      Well, Ayn Rand did write approvingly of rape, so yeah…

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Welp, just as soon as we rid ourselves of one (credibly accused) redneck, God-shielding, child molesting sex predator, another one comes along right behind it, like a disgusting never-ending human centipede of sexual assault.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/105cb6a26755744838a59ff57e7b47acb5acacbd7dcf80ee54319a6f06d584fd.jpg

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Remember, always wash your hands after handling rent boys.

  • wyatt olson

    Okay, Skwerl, I JUST ate my fucking breakfast!

    • redarmyzombie

      …huh…

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        I posted a pic of my lover.

        • redarmyzombie

          Well, alrighty then!

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      OMG! What did we ever do to him?

  • schmannity

    Well, he did nail down the Duggar vote.

    • jesterpunk

      And the Huckabee vote.

      • BigCSouthside

        And the Moore vote

        • jesterpunk

          And the Trump and Bannon vote

          • Rags

            Jared Libelz! (the other one….)

          • armed_bears

            the one with the $5 foot long?

          • Rags

            Yup

    • onedollarjuana

      You put your finger on it!

  • Michael Smith

    It is so hard being a white man in a world that just doesn’t understand that white men are entitled to do and say anything they want, isn’t it?

  • BigCSouthside

    Seriously how do these fucking scumbags get into power. I mean I’ve always been like “no way I could run with my past” (plus I’m a very foul mouthed atheist), but shit, next to these people I’m basically a fucking saint

    • Anna Rompage

      It’s not all that difficult, especially when your base believes in talking snakes and rib women…

      • BigCSouthside

        Guess I didn’t think of that. Easy marks

      • clubseal

        I must be hungry, because when I read “rib women,” I imagined a ton of barbecued pork ribs in the shape of a woman.

    • SisterArtemis

      being a lesbian lefty pot smoker, I’ve pretty much considered myself unelectable (I’ve toyed with the idea of a small-town city council or mayoral position from time to time). But this last election or two… hooboy, maybe it’s not so far fetched?

      • BigCSouthside

        You had my vote at pot smoking lesbian

        • SisterArtemis

          It’s a feature, not a bug!

          • Lascauxcaveman

            It is, seriously. Unless your town council, school board or county board already have a lefty pot smoking lesbian on board, they could benefit from your point of view.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            It is, seriously. Unless your town council, school board or county board already have a lefty pot smoking lesbian on board, they could benefit from your point of view.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            It is, seriously. Unless your town council, school board or county board already have a lefty pot smoking lesbian on board, they could benefit from your point of view.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Lol, run for all three, in fact!

            [/Discus glitch]

      • jesterpunk

        You could run and win especially if you run in a small town where not many people want the job anyway. (Also just because this is awesome as hell)

        https://twitter.com/_Brendonsmall/status/928349990707015680

      • TundraGrifter

        Start with getting appointed to a town commission – there are almost always openings. Particularly for folks who don’t want an inside track for something. People just don’t want to serve. Give it a try and see if you like it. Think about spending a lot of time with those people. If it appeals to you, go for it!

      • SisterArtemis

        Oooo! I left out single mother! and “once collected welfare!” and tattoo artist!

        • jesterpunk

          Check your local election, the last one here had a few positions with no one running and no one wrote anyone in. So you could write yourself in and win the position with 1 vote.

          • SisterArtemis

            Everybody hates the mayor in the tiny town I’m moving to – I’ve lived there part time, but figure I’ll get myself fulltime street cred (it matters in small towns) and then look at what needs filling

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            Please, do it, we need more of us to make our country sane again.

      • You might be surprised. :-) One of the people I worked with this fall is a right-wing Trump supporter. I knew his cousin, who pretty much an aging hippie – long haired, Wiccan, liberal Democrat. They actually like each other. What was funny was the right-winger told me that his cousin had mentioned running for town supervisor, and his response was “There is no way in hell you’d ever win. You’re about the last person in the world this town would vote for.” His cousin won… and was re-elected twice. :-)

      • Oblios_Cap

        Go for it. We need more lesbian lefty pot smokers in office.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Just tell them that if they vote for you, all their wildest dreams will come true

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I’d totally vote for you.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Fucking scumbags set up the system to work in favor of fucking scumbags.

  • jesterpunk
  • What would Uncle Henry say about “Pastor” Dan Johnson and Steve Fucking Bannon?

    Oh, do tell Ms. Alexandra Petri:

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2017/12/13/tell-me-more-about-steve-bannons-genius/?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-a%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.2c863c2c0c9f

  • Beanz&Berryz

    I bet even in Kentucky the statue of limitations for rape is more than 4 years. At least for not-whites.

    • Resistor Radio

      According to mother jones, there is no SOL in Kentucky for rape or sexual assault. Wow. I’m actually pretty surprised by that.

      Ok, both considered felonies, and Kentucky places no statute of limitations on felonies.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Wow… I don’t know/remember the historical basis of statutes of limitation, but no SOLs on any felonies sounds a bit… zealous…

        • Resistor Radio

          Well, there’s a lot of black people in Louisville, so that’s probably why. :/

          • Beanz&Berryz

            So many to prosecute… And maybe even a crime or two, also.

        • shivaskeeper

          More practical limitations than anything else. Evidence degrades, gets lost, or damaged over time. Memories, which are not all that accurate to begin with, fade over time. Potential witnesses die or move away. There are other practical concerns as well.

          Since DNA evidence testing is getting better and cheaper, look for more of the SOLs to go away over time.

      • clubseal

        Sounds like they figured “why bother putting a statute of limitations on something that won’t be investigated anyway?”

      • shivaskeeper

        Alabama has no SOL anymore either. Moore would skate on any criminal charges because there was one when his accusers say he was creeping on them. Unless he committed something after the SOL was removed he cannot be criminally charged. Lifting the SOL cannot be made retroactive.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Thank you…

      • Bananas Foster

        No statute of limitations for felonies, with no regard for the crime, is actually incredibly regressive and shitty.

  • Panika MCD

    seasons? seasons of racism? seasons of sexual assault? what the balls?

    does he think that next season all of these things will somehow be acceptable once again?

    we have kind of reached a point where “it was a different time” is not longer an excuse that washes with the greater public.

    • shivaskeeper

      Doesn’t think it will be alright again one day, so much as hopes it will be alright again one day.

    • clubseal

      He was thinking of that shitty song Turn, Turn, Turn:
      “A time to be accused of racism
      A time to be accused of sexual assault
      A time to be accused of felony grifting
      Turn, turn, Turn”

  • jesterpunk

    How long until they get some of Roy Moore’s pastors to defend this saying its ok for him to molest teenagers?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “And I suppose if Donald Trump and his buddies all jumped off a cliff, you’d want to do THAT, too?” — Dan Johnson’s Mom

    • “AAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEE”(thump)

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    I, Just J. Pixelz, am calling for a complete shutdown of Christians entering our country until our leader figure out what the hell is going on.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      “Send ’em all back to Jesusland!”

      • MynameisBlarney

        Via Acme Catapults!

    • clubseal

      It’s the only way to be safe.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        …other than nuking them from orbit, right Ripley?

        • clubseal

          Or installing a from-Earth airlock from which they can be jettisoned.

    • shivaskeeper

      Too late. This particular problem is a White Evangelical one. They are already here. It is different from the Catholic Church problem, not in the scale of what goes on, but in how its; covered up.

      • JohnBull

        At least the Catholics always feel shame.

        • shivaskeeper

          In this case it was more of an institutional coverup at the highest levels. The Evangelicals, being organized as they are, it’s more of a church by church cover up.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            So more of bottoms-up pervos, as opposed to top-down pervos.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Well, to be fair, not Cardinal Bernard Law.

      • Squeegee

        I have a friend who was a religion major college who did a sabbatical at the Vatican and said it was one big gay orgy and he had never had so much mind blowing gay fucking in his life every day of the week

        • shivaskeeper

          Gay sex isn;t the problem. Child molestation is. Not even close to the same thing.

    • Squeegee

      I’m Episcopal and we don’t care if you are gay or straight or transgender or anything else and focus our efforts on helping those in need instead of trying to convert people so there are some good Christians out there.

    • valgalky23
  • TundraGrifter

    What does it say on the bottom of Coke bottles in Kentucky?

    “Open Other End.”

    • LiberalANDProud

      “Pepsi”

  • Resistor Radio

    As sure as night follows day, this ain’t the only time he’s done this.

  • Squeegee

    Why doesn’t he just blame the devil or for that matter the devil juice?

  • Bill D. Burger

    It appears that almost all Tealibangelicals are respresented by one or both of these ‘characters’____ The Rev. Cash, money hungry, and The Rev. Pathos, a lurid leering pervert.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_KjlhfSfsE

  • armed_bears

    If the RNC, which accurately represents the president’s portion of the party, did not have situational ethics it would have none.

    I haz man crush on George Will.

    • Resistor Radio

      …said no homogay ever.

      • armed_bears

        Well, I don’t claim to represent the demographic… although I always imagined the bowtie was a little bit of flirting with his style side.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I find him tedious and well past his prime. That being said, he’s right this time.

      • armed_bears

        Let’s admit that we need the ‘tedious and well past his prime’ demographic to come to his way of thinking.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Let’s abandon the people who rejected Roy Moore to capture that valuable demographic!

        • Lascauxcaveman

          He’s not stupid. Just really out of touch and closeted. Like a lot of his rich-old-white-male circle.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Stopped clock and all that. He still helped build this shitshow.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Yeah, he just a little too finicky to swallow all of the trashy implications.

          Unlike Milady de Noonan, who gazes over the top of all these distractions, whilst still pining for the White Knight Ronnie.

  • canes_pugnaces
  • Daniel

    “Last election, when we were being racist, it was all about racism! This time, when everyone’s learning how rapey we all are, it’s about sexual assault! It’s just one fad after another with you people! I suppose next year will be necrophilia!”

    • georgiaburning

      And another dozen Repub candidates get worried that might be true

  • ManchuCandidate

    What Dan Johnson did was brotherly if you’re a Lannister or the even more fictional Duggar clan.

  • Drew

    Why is Kayla Moore lurking in the background? What gives?

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Why did the police just close the case? You can’t expect them to sully the name of the good reverend now, could you?

    • Resistor Radio

      What was she wearing, even?

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/edbed2723a159bc191964cb9fa8cf1db5e56ca4a8c906aa33c247b88e9754095.jpg

    The guy wearing the fucking Miller Lite hat in church during this charade is the cherry on top. Take of the hats off you godless hillbillies.

    • TundraGrifter

      Technically a “Gimmie Cap.”

    • elviouslyqueer

      Really Christians drink Bud Light. Not that Miller swill.

      • WIDTAP

        I am surprised it’s not Hamms.

        • elviouslyqueer

          I’m surprised it’s not PBR, honestly. Or Schlitz Malt Liquor.

          • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

            Coors!

        • clubseal

          Hamm’s Libel!!11!!
          Oh wait, it tastes like shit. Carry on.

          • onedollarjuana

            Hey, I wonder if Hamm’s is kosher?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He stole that blubbering pose from Jimmy Swaggart!

      The Sinclair Lewis estate should sue for plagiarism.

    • SweetDeeKat

      Hey! It’s his BEST hat.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        “th’other one got all greasy wen ah was skinning’ them roadkill skonks.”

  • Bananas Foster

    I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that it seem when people are gross assholes in one aspect of their lives they’re often gross assholes in multiple aspects of their lives.

    • Daniel

      As illustrated by the Mandelgross set.

  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

    Who knew pervs gonna perv?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Well, I read the article and while hanging out partying with bikers isn’t a sin, doing it while stealing church money sounds a wee bit over the top even to me. The assault allegation seems consistent with his other behaviors.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      No wonder he burned his own church down.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dude, I really don’t think that’s what Jesus meant when he said “Suffer the children to come unto me.”

    http://www.troll.me/images/jesus-facepalm/oh-for-my-sake-thumb.jpg

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    It’s probably easier to make a list of GOP politicians who haven’t been credibly accused or even convicted of sexual misconduct of some kind at this point.

  • borninatrailer

    Claimed publicly he has raised the dead? Wait, what the actual fuck? How can it end with that and no follow-up!

    • clubseal

      I’ve raised the dead before. The other day, I sprayed poison on some weeds and lifted them out of the ground.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I raised some bread, once. Does that count?

    • Boojum

      His peener was dead?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Bring out your dead!

    • borninatrailer

      Follow-up question: can you raise the dead on yourself?

  • Resistor Radio

    I suppose TLC is gonna give him a reality show now?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Wait a sec now. If she reported it to police, weren’t there charges? What happened?

    • shivaskeeper

      Case was closed with no further action. The PD has not said why.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Hmm…

        • shivaskeeper

          It’s in the article.

          • msanthropesmr

            WHo reads the articles? I just come here to make uniformed comments.

          • shivaskeeper

            That could be an issue.

          • redarmyzombie

            I still refuse to wear pants.

          • msanthropesmr

            Do sweatpants count?

          • redarmyzombie

            YES!

          • WIDTAP

            Hey, that’s my job!

          • Major^3 Andre

            What kind of uniform? Delivery guy, cheerleader, nurse, sailor?

          • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

            (*crosses fingers and mumbles*) pleasefrenchmaid pleasefrenchmaid….

          • Daniel

            (whispers) scene of crime officer, scene of crime officer, scene of crime officer

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            latex nurse costume.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            Oh, I wasn’t expressing skepticism about what you were saying! Just wondering why they didn’t pursue it. Rhymes with Shmold Shmoy Shmetwork, methinks.

          • shivaskeeper

            Probably. Plus he was a pastor and they are supposed to be above reproach.

        • Sheepshagger

          Small town Kentucky cop covers up for decades diddle happy pastor? Surely not.

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        Hrmmm, no DNA from a fingerbang? She no longer could prove her maidenhead or one of those anachronistic euphemisms for slutty slut slut!?

        • shivaskeeper

          No idea.

    • cmd resistor

      If you follow the links back to the original KY Center for Investigative Reporting story, looks like they just dropped the ball. Although, the case has been re-opened. That original story is long but pretty horrifying.

  • WIDTAP

    This excuse, “I got elected after they knew abut this, so it’s OK” strikes me as particularly vile, especially after all the “She’s lying” and “They are all reverse racists” cries in the prior elections.

  • Sheepshagger

    “Can I get an amen brothers and sisters! Now take your pants off children I got some Holy Spirit for ya!”

    • Resistor Radio

      At least you’re giving some warning? Pastor Perv waits til your asleep and dives right in!

  • Boojum

    Can we PLEASE amend the commenting rules?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      All violence-ideation must be accompanied by a recipe.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Violence-ideation and those cakes we like? What a combination (with votes!)

      • (((Sedagive)))

        Lemon-and-tomato risotto with a side of rioting for healthcare.

        It’s an elaborate recipe which requires a lot of stirring, marching and well-aimed votes but it’s yummy, and well worth it.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Johnson mince-meat pie…..
        First, take a somewhat immature johnson and grab the Cuise….

      • Boojum

        I was actually going to suggest a sort of cooking show…

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          And now, COOKING WITH REPUBLICANS!
          ‘First, get yourself about five pounds of ground Republican…’

          • eggs ackly-wright

            Yish.

          • JohnBull

            Sounds creative, cooking with Republicans.
            Meat.
            Grill.
            Salt.
            Can of Old Mil’

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • janecita

    The whole story is worth reading, the guy is the biggest con artist ever.

    http://longcon.kycir.org/?_ga=2.12405169.402657306.1513197262-357793941.1513197261

    • cmd resistor

      Yes, long but full of stuff. Early in the article, this quote jumped out:
      “Jesus taught us to be armed,” said Johnson. “The real reason for our Second Amendment rights is that we have a gun to keep a mean-spirited government off of us. If they go crazy, we gotta have something to be crazier with.”

      • janecita

        But he “Cured the sick and raised the dead,” the man is better than Jesus! I find amazing that people actually believe this shit.

        • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

          Actual morons are not as rare as I once thought.

      • Anne Of Green Bagels

        Jeebus wrote the second amendment?

    • Covfefe

      If you can sell religion, you can sell anything.

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        What’s that wonderful line from ‘Doon’? ‘A business where the customer blames himself for product failure.’

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      I wish he had been outed for the scum he really was. And investigate those cops. There’s no telling how many others he molested.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Send Raylon Givens to bring in his sorry grifting ass. He’s a Kentucky boy.

    Seriously, Boyd Crowder was more of a preacher than this idiot.

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    The original story is (linked in Wonkette first post of the day) is….interesting….
    “Like Forrest Gump, this guy was everywhere”. Personal chaplain to several presidents. Dragged bodies out of the smoking 911 buildings and made the first morgue. Of course, chaplain to the president doesn’t exist, and nobody involved at 9-11 seems to have heard of this guy.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Chronic conman symptoms.

  • shastakoala

    The Duggar Family never ends!

  • Crystalclear12
    • Lance Thrustwell

      Stone doesn’t think Trump is ‘being told the truth about how bad things are [for him].’ Right, sure. Because there’s no way he would hear the plain facts about something and deny reality.

    • redarmyzombie

      You’d think he’d have learned the first time with Nixon…

  • Last election it seemed to be racism. This election it seems to be sexual impropriety

    No… no, sorry, no. If I ran for office, you would find out that I’ve made some very poor choices at points in my life: I drink too much, I have too much debt, I’ve let people down due to my chronic depression…

    But one think I’m sure of is that a 17 year-old girl has never filed rape charges against me, motherfucker.

  • Zonath

    Last election it seemed to be racism. This election it seems to be sexual impropriety, Johnson complained

    No, it’s still about racism and homophobia and all your toxic ideologies that make this country a hostile place for anyone other than a white male. These aren’t ripples in a pond; they’re a building tide that will wash your iniquity from the Blessed Earth for good.

    • Bananas Foster

      Hmm. Johnson, maybe both times it was about not electing people that are fundamentally unfit for the job.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Reject that Johnson like she rejected that johnson.

        • texcynical

          Which angry orange johnson are we talking about here?

  • Major^3 Andre
    • WIDTAP

      Somewhere, Morgan Freeman and Rita Moreno are cursing your name for bringing them into it.

    • onedollarjuana

      Hmm. I see a lamp. What do you see?

    • onedollarjuana

      Hmm. I see a lamp. What do you see?

    • onedollarjuana

      Hmm. I see a lamp. What do you see?

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Minister, politician, accused molester, okay—that’s all fine and good. But if he really wants a future in the Republican party, he’s going to have to come up with a few Russian connections or shady billion-dollar financial deals.

    • cmd resistor

      Don’t forget arsonist. I did find it amusing, considering the arson allegations, that his church is called Heart of Fire.

      • Non-Threatening Ron

        ‘Oh, I am SO clever!’ he thought to himself.

        • cmd resistor

          I believe one of the things he arsoned was his church.

      • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

        Right—will put that in the plus column. Thank you.

  • Crystalclear12

    The problem is with the Republican party is for years they pandered to these dumbass rednecks but they actually didn’t believe it. Then they let the dumbass rednecks run for office.
    This is your 2018 candidate pool, GOP, good luck with that.

  • Oblios_Cap

    He’ll deny it until he turns orange in the face like a common Trump.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Misspelled ‘Turnip’. Wait, what?

  • James Baskin

    Seriously, I’m wondering what kind of idiot would think what he did was a good idea or that it might work.

    • ariel_gee_398

      He was just counting on her not to tell.

      • James Baskin

        Not a very sound strategy.

        • Crystalclear12

          It’s worked for thousands of years.

        • ariel_gee_398

          She did tell, and it sounds like she wasn’t believed at the time. Win-win for him.

          • cmd resistor

            So their investigation seemed to be having her call him on the phone and get him to confess, but he didn’t answer. Then they had her dad do the same.

          • ariel_gee_398

            I mean, that’s just standard policing. You always make the victim call up the person that committed the crime and get a confession. Only way to go about solving crime.

          • Mary Theresa

            Seriously, I have walked this path before. Filed charges against a maintainence man that broke into my apt in the middle of the night, and the fucking DA wanted to know what I was wearing while I was sleeping in my own bed.

          • ariel_gee_398

            I’m sorry that happened to you, and I wish I were surprised that it did.

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            JFC! What a douche.

    • Spurning Beer

      Shucks, mister, that’s just courtin’.

  • Baconzgood

    I’m getting tired of these people.

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      I’m getting tired of them skating on transgressions that would get you or I locked up for life.

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Salma Hayek claims Harvey Weinstein threatened to kill her

    Nothing shocks me anymore. But it should.

    https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/dec/13/salma-hayek-claims-harvey-weinstein-threatened-to-kill-her

    • Carpe Vagenda

      jhca, that poor woman is like catnip for psychos. Trump tried to neg her into dating him in the papers (before she married a real billionaire).

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        I suppose I don’t get the references. Just know her from her work.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          She says someone she was dating who knew Trump gave him her number, and when she shot him down he planted an item in the papers that he shot her down because she was too short for him. And _then_ he called her and told her that she should date him to prove she wasn’t too short.

          Jesus H Christ Almighty.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I think she is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. I have no idea of her personality though.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Me either, although she seems like a sensible enough woman.

  • ariel_gee_398

    If there was a church that was exactly like evangelical Christianity, but it taught that sticking your body parts in or on another person’s body without their consent was a sin, and that god might strike you down for doing so, how many current evangelicals would be willing to join that church? 10 percent? 15?

    • OutOfOrbit

      Nun?

      • Bill D. Burger

        What kind of meat does the Pope eat?

        • redarmyzombie

          You don’t wanna know.

        • OutOfOrbit

          redarmyzombie sez I donut wanna know

        • LiberalANDProud

          Kosher

    • BigCSouthside

      Women are basically property in evangelical Christianity. So I’d say 0%

      • ariel_gee_398

        I’d even go so far as to limit it to not perving on people you aren’t married to. Even then, they couldn’t do it.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Behind the gif.

    https://katraccoon.com/

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      These are great.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yup, she’s got a great imagination.

  • Spurning Beer

    This can’t be the same Dan Johnson who played Detective Sonny Crockett on Miami Vice. It just can’t be.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    At least he’s not a Democrat.

  • weejee

    …he sang O Come All Ye Faithful

    he sang O Cum All Ye Faithful

    / fixed

    • phoenix00

      Joyful and triumphant!

      • texcynical

        Jizzy and triumphant!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Cum all ye faithful. . .
      but don’t tell your parents. . .

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh cum ye, oh cum ye, in Beth…

      Lehem.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Fundie preachers: “Come on up her children and let the Reverend lay hand on you…..and parents, remember, the greatest nation there is ___ is donation.”

  • LiberalANDProud

    “Wait? What? Why’s that shit got hair on it?” – Rep. Johnson on his wedding night.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’m off to the house. Watch you r meteor showers tonight!

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      Only thing comin’ down from the sky around here is snow. Lots of snow.

    • Mary Theresa

      Yes, we are getting them here in NM.

    • Dutchman

      Are they golden? Asking for a friend….Pee Pee Tape!!

  • Non-Threatening Ron
  • phoenix00

    > because he is an unoriginal racist as well as an alleged rapist

    We got some Lin-Manuel Miranda up in here!

  • Shanzgood

    Seems like he IS worried about people going back over his entire life. Since he brought it up.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      How was he to know he’d be responsible for his entire life? So unfair!

      • Shanzgood

        And the statute of limitations hasn’t run out on this one yet.

        • OutOfOrbit

          No thanks to the pig cops

          • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

            I’d be checking their hard drives.

      • Shanzgood

        Right? It’s not like his religion says anything about ever being judged on it.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Just the parts he wants you to know about.

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      Oh, yeah? Well what about Hillary’s entire life, huh? How come nobody’s looking at that?

      • Shanzgood

        *sigh*

  • Tetman Callis

    Somebody downline prolly already checked, but a quick peek at the KY SOL on rape sez this matter will be alive at least a few more years, if not to the end of Preacher Dan’s natural (or unnatural) life.

  • Spurning Beer

    That was just what the Kentucky clergy call the “laying on of hands.” On, in, whatever.

  • Roadstergal

    The Right hates “political correctness,” but they sure are happy to redefine ‘rape’ as ‘sexual impropriety.’

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Mistakes were made.

      • 52camellias

        And the ever-popular “Can’t you find forgiveness in your heart for this sinner? Don’t all of us sin?” Well, yes, but I’m pretty sure that comes with a big ‘ol side dish of Atonement. No Atonement here.

        • Nasty Girl Brianna

          Atonement followed by retirement.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    This Jesus feller hangs ’round some real creeps.

    • Jonny On Maui

      That’s where the sinners are…

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Your comment nails it.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        You’ve made me cross.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        You’ve made me cross.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        You’ve made me cross.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        You’ve made me cross.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        You’ve made me cross.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        You’ve made me cross.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        You’ve made me cross.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        You’ve made me cross.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Don’t be such a martyr.

      • Trip Space-Parasite

        What you did there… I saw it.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Surely a Man of God such as the good pastor here knows Jesus spoke on this very subject: “If anyone causes one of these little ones to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.”

    So shut the fuck up, please, with your bullshit singing and your Trump-ass lying and get the fuck down on your knees, confess your sin and repent of it. If you believe that which you claim to believe, verily I say, you know you don’t need me to tell you to do this because you already know to a moral certainty in whatever-in-the-fuck-it-is you are pawning off as a heart today, that that is the only way out for you.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Seems harsh by modern standards, but the bibble is the bibble, so it shall be.

    • Courser_Resistance

      That’s a particular favorite bible verse of mine.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      That is not one of the passages they include in their “mah bibble is the infallible word of [my] god” shtick.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Mr. Johnson! Where are the bodies buried?

  • Belasaurius

    any heads up on what next season’s trend will be?

    • Crystalclear12

      Apparently treason.
      Mueller be blessed.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      People will begin to be exposed for being left-handed >>shudders<<

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Yes, we left-handers are both sinister and gauche. We need to be stopped.

        • JustDon’tSayMoore

          iswydt

          • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

            ;-)

        • Dutchman

          Yeah, Ms. Dutchman says that I’m neither polite nor subtle about politics. The Lefty thing must be a factor.

        • Infrequentcontributor

          You’re gonna make me chiral.

    • Bananas Foster

      If only it were about anti-intellectualism…

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Jorts.

      • elviouslyqueer

        NO.

        • Yellerduck

          Jodhpur shorts?

    • mancityRed6

      the grunge look is due for a comeback.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I dunno, I think it’s been back for awhile.
        Plaid shirts? Check
        “Distressed” jeans? Check
        Babydoll dresses? Check
        Choker necklaces? Check
        Waffle-weave thermals? Check
        Super wide-leg pants? Check

        I could go on, but I think you get the gist. It’s just more stylized this time around.

        • mancityRed6

          I really need to get out more. I haven’t seen any of this. maybe because it’s Kansas and it will be here next year.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Could be, I live in Chicago and tend to hang out places that could be considered somewhat hipster-y.
            It’s a thing in Milwaukee too, but up there, it never went out of style in the first place (I grew up there, I can say that!)

          • mancityRed6

            for me back in the day, it was a feeling of time catching up to me, and then it was gone.

    • JustDon’tSayMoore

      Putting peas in guacamole?

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Mr. Johnson should count his lucky stars that he only has to deal with the law, and not an angry father or older brother wielding a Louisville Slugger.

  • mancityRed6

    please, please, please tell me he’s wearing a rug and didn’t actually pay for that haircut

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    This is the kind of purge I can get behind. And this fucker is more reprehensible than many.

    OT: O Come All Ye Faithful is one of the seasonal tunes I’ve been practicing on me piano this year. I bloody hate Xmas have no use for religion but am quite fond, nonetheless, of some of the tunes. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, etc. It’s fun being able to enjoy them on my own terms.

    PS, I am a fucking OLD in year 2 of piano lessons with no musical background which means humility and self-deprecation are a feature, not a bug!

    PPS: Fuck that guy for being a fucking rapist hiding behind his fucking religion! Grrrr.

    • Lord Jim

      I’m quite fond of “Angels We Have Heard On High”, which is based on a surrender monkeyFrench carol. :)

      • Jon Sussex

        Wait, “on” or “while”?

    • Dinz6315

      Good for you. I am a fucking old who learned a second language. Ain’t it great?

      Oh, and fuck that guy.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    When you have no defense and are guilty as fuck, just start singing hymns.

    • Courser_Resistance

      He may think it makes him look like a martyr/saint. It doesn’t, it makes him look guilty as fuck

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        Only to thinking people, they’ll be more coming forward.

  • JustDon’tSayMoore
    • Sakonyachen

      It’s never gone for long is it?

  • Tragic Typos

    Dan Johnson be like “Try it, you’ll like it.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qdfMYFl0Ic

  • wide_stance_hubby

    He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, but first I had to promise it would be our little secret.

  • Panika MCD

    OT – while we’re waiting

    TX Land Commissioner George P. Bush (aka Jeb!’s son) basically said that most of our problems with getting housing to Harvey victims are in our intergovernmental services agreement with FEMA and have no basis in statute, but that if we get the rules changed Mick Mulvaney is going to shit his pants because that means “no tax cut”.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Hmmm, interesting.

      • Panika MCD

        to be fair to Mick, he didn’t shit the bed like Georgy P. did last week. Georgy P. shit the bed so bad last week that he now has two primary challengers and one is the guy who retired which opened the seat up for Georgy P. to run.

    • Stulexington

      So Texas is getting royally screwed over by the Republican party … you don’t say.

      • Panika MCD

        not in this one. many of these rules have been around FEMA for so long that no one knows who pulled them out of their asses or why and why they haven’t gotten rid of them and BROCK IS NOT FREAKING THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE!

        but apparently Shuckabee was bitching about the Economic Stabilization Fund last week and does not know how that thing works, but it makes a mighty nice excuse for the Trump Administration to royally screw over Texas. and John Sharp is all, “no tag backs, bitch!”

        • Stulexington

          So basically it’s just another in the long list of things that needs to be fixed but can’t because “tax cuts now now now! We must focus everything on these tax cuts” gotcha.

          • Panika MCD

            it’s something that needs to be fixed and is going to mess up their dream of having tax cuts now.

          • Stulexington

            Oooh even better, I love it when I’m wrong like this.

  • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

    1) Who wears his Miller Lite hat in church?
    2) Gah, what they did to that song is crime unto itself. Gah, gah, gah!

  • Gorillionaire

    Said it before, say it again: it is my firm belief that all of these wingnut Christianist middle aged white goons in elected office are sexually depraved assholes who would bang any random middle schooler if he had five minutes to spare with her.

    • Crystalclear12

      Looks that way.

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      Makes you think that Christianity maybe has a problem with sex, huh?

      • P’jama Pahnts

        What? You mean demonizing an essential piece of basic human nature could have adverse effects? No Way!

    • Courser_Resistance

      It’s really sad. I think back on all the male church counselors, etc I had over the years and never had a bad touch from ANY of them but it makes me wonder if they ever bad-touched someone else. I hope not. I may have not been particularly fond of some of them, but that’s a LONG way from pedophilia.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Dominionists want to control everything but themselves.

    • Stulexington

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • puredog

      Middle-aged white sexually depraved asshole goons LIBULZ!

  • mancityRed6

    OT but are we gonna get a Omarosa story today?
    https://crooksandliars.com/2017/12/reports-omarosa-didnt-quit-was-escorted-wh
    “Reports: Omarosa Didn’t Quit, Was Escorted From WH Shouting Profanities”
    this thing is ripe for the snark.

    • Resistor Radio

      I was wondering that also too

    • SisterArtemis

      I liked this dry wit headline from Maddow show producer Steve Benen
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2e78bace7b97660db45ebe0a03af3e2a0ac96161eb84ca1520775df2c0d89c24.jpg
      (screen capture from my feedly page, not benen’s blog)

      • Stulexington

        “no, the other one sadly.”

    • Daniel

      Apparently she pestered Trump and Kelly for a cabinet position and the latter got pissed off enough about that to kick her out.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Remember when the White House didn’t have to have bouncers?

      • george lastrapes

        That was before the hookers came to roost.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        They should have costumes like the ones Nixon dreamed up.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        They should have costumes like the ones Nixon dreamed up.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        They should have costumes like the ones Nixon dreamed up.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Doc’s on vaycay, so Wonkette is shorthanded this week.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Shouting profanities, eh?

      I thought that profanities were for tasteless Mommybloggers.

      Any new, good ones that we haven’t encountered before?

      • Kooolest G

        she can now go back to her regular job, what was that again? oh right baptist minister

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Well Goddamn it to Fucking Hell, they know all the dirtiest fucking profanities, though not the new ones.

    • toughsister

      I just love that! I’d love even more seeing/hearing Trump escorted from the WH —in handcuffs— shouting profanities. Even more so if Jared, Donnie Jr. and Ivanka were part of the group.

      • “I’d love even more seeing/hearing Trump escorted from the WH —in handcuffs and panties— shouting profanities”

        /fixed

    • Nockular cavity

      Hey, *I* was escorted from the WH shouting profanities, but you don’t see me making a federal case of it.

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I don’t know this guy’s source, but it’s an entertaining thread, and I’d like to think this is how it went down…
      https://twitter.com/EmoNegro1/status/940995641500725249

    • puredog

      So now she gets to continue collecting her $180K salary until January 20 and doesn’t even have to show up at “work”? Schweet.

  • Victoria Ricola

    OT – I kinda love Doug Jones.

    • OutOfOrbit

      YEAH!!!

    • Fakakta South

      meeeee toooooo.

  • FlemmishSpy

    “Let us prey.” – Pervy bible thumpin’ Rebuplicans

  • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

    Another question begs to be asked… What was he doing at a party attended by minors and who was serving them alcohol?

    Though this isn’t quite as serious as sexual assault, it is also a crime, at least here in Wisconsin.

    It seems to me a pattern can be discerned here.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Didn’t do any good in the Chmura case, but maybe times have changed.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Didn’t do any good in the Chmura case, but maybe times have changed.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    I know it’s terrible to say it this way but that guy acts like he’s guilty of something.

  • Stulexington

    Police: it was an open and shut case: we opened it, and then we closed it.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Badges should roll for pulling shit like this

    • OutOfOrbit

      Badges should roll for pulling shit like this

      • John Thorstensen

        You can say that again.

        • mailman27

          Upvote. Upvote.

    • OutOfOrbit

      Badges should roll for pulling shit like this

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The [white] clergy and the police may have an unspoken agreement to give each other a pass on their various offenses.

  • Grokenstein

    If patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel, religion is the first.

  • Grokenstein

    If patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel, religion is the first.

  • Grokenstein

    If patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel, religion is the first.

    • toughsister

      Well… Do you think that, if a Yellow Pages of all the sanctimonious and/or crooked “Pastors”, politicians, and “Pastor-politicians” were compiled, it would be as thick as or thicker than the Los Angeles Yellow Pages?

  • theblackdog

    About a dozen family members and friends stood behind him at the podium
    as he spoke to nearly 20 members of the media. Before speaking, he led
    them in a rendition of “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.”

    Wait, what?! That’s the song he lead off with before denying rape charges? I’m feeling like his subconscious knows he did it and is just asking for the cops to come arrest him.

    • H0mer0

      am I reading this to mean that if she didn’t come, she didn’t have enough faith?

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      I once heard a spoof of that song called “Come All Ye Deadheads” (the radio was playing a bunch of Greatful Dead songs).

  • 1captainhooker1

    these fucking bastards

  • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

    WTF, Louisville Police department?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Yeah, that’s a little odd that they just dropped the ball on that one.

      • Beelzebubba

        Better than even money that you’ll find the cops in his “church”.

  • TJ Barke

    How was that taxscam “closing argument” thing?

  • Kooolest G

    to be fair, the bible doesn’t actually say “thou shalt not fingerbang high school chicks while they’re asleep”, so I can see where he might have been confused

    • Swampgas_Man

      From what little I understand of the Bible, there’s seriously nothing in it about fucking underage children or rape. Can some good Christian enlighten me?

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Well. it does say that if you damage a virgin by raping her you have to give her dad monies and marry her, so there is that. Also it is okay to shove your daughter out the door to be raped to death by a mob if you are protecting man guests. So nothing really

  • PlutoAnimus

    Cops protect a sexual predator because he is one of their own (Christian and Republican).

    Some things never change.

    • Sakonyachen

      I think the part about being racist was why they protected him. Oh wait, you said Republican.

  • Tony Prost

    IOKIYAR

  • Blackest Noobs

    shit i need to get me a pastor gig…it seems relatively easy…and apparently you can be a completely disgusting shitbag sexual predating cad.

    shit worse thing ive ever done was shoot some Iraqis dead, murder sure, but it was for country and all that jazz….so what y’all think? think they could give me the pastor gig…i promise not to molest anyone and bonus…i won’t shoot anyone either.

    • Seek

      You’ve one upped them. If you can live with all of the sanctimony and faux pious bs it’s probably a nice easy lucrative gig.

    • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

      You need to be able to lie like a rug to a room full of people, and never let on. If you believe your own absurd fantasies, all the better. You also need to feel entitled to their devotion, and be able to demand everything from them, especially with regard to money — no fundagelical worth their bible-coozie is going to believe god is speaking through you unless you act like you might turn out to be an emotionally (and let’s be honest here, physically) abusive boyfriend.

  • puredog

    Is it just me, or does this guy look like Steve Bannon’s and Donald Trump’s love child?

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Is that Kayla Moore standing there behind him, or is that just what the wives of these guys have to look like?

    • Ms.Moon

      It’s the empty eyes and holy high hair. I wonder if their hairspray has compliance chemicals.

      • Sakonyachen

        I just assumed they were stepford wives.

  • tehbaddr

    The likeness to The Great Orange one is surreal.

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    A reich-winger turns out to be molesting children? That’s called a day ending in Y.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Once again libtards attack a godly man for gallantly trying to teach a young girl about the evil sins of the flesh. I guess you godless Demoncrats dont understand how ministering works.

    • toughsister

      I guess we libtards don’t know a godly man when we see one.

      • Sakonyachen

        We should learn. That way we can run away before we are raped.

    • psychobroad

      Finger fucking a teenager is “gallantly trying to teach a young girl about the evil sins of the flesh”? What kind of prevert are you? Hope there are no young children in ypur life.

      • Alan

        It was snark.

        • psychobroad

          I guess I believe you, although it’s getting really hard to tell. People defending Roy Moore makes me think anything is now ok.

          • Alan

            I sympathize. I know it’s snark because of who said it.

          • ZangoCrudmonger

            Poe’s law.

          • Yes. Often not deliberate, but the stance being mocked, parodied, or quoted is so irrational and extreme that it is impossible or difficult to tell if the mockery is serious agreement.

            I was raised Southern Baptist, and could tell Vagenda was snarky parody, but it is uncomfortably on the spot, also.

            Sometimes I make sure to close with the HTML sarcasm tag:
            /s

            I once accidentally Poe’d on an evolution blog by claiming that a recent T-Rex fossil find was really the skeleton of the bible’s Jumping Jehoshaphat (I mean, look at those legs!). Someone was outraged at me, and to be fair, it wasn’t any crazier than what Creationist posters had been saying.

            [shrug] Vagenda’s post is exactly the kind of self-serving rationalizing that a biblical literalist might come up with. Just barely over the top.

          • Old Man Yells at Cloud

            Here on Wonkette, its pretty simple to tell. If its obviously snark, then its snark. If it might be snark, then its snark. If its clearly not snark, then you need to read it again more carefully to see the snark. :)

          • JCfromNC

            I know what you mean — I saw one on here the other day that except for a single phrase, could have been lifted verbatim from any right-wing fever swamp you’d care to name. Vagenda’s been commenting on here long enough that I didn’t have any confusion about this post, though.

          • MC Planck

            It’s not your fault. Poe’s Law is dead. It’s buried next to Godwin’s Law and irony.

      • What Alan says. Sometimes here we mock the wingnuts by predicting what they will say. Vagenda is excellent at it

    • BreakingDeadMen

      This is my finger, it is the penis of Christ

      • stubbornirishlass

        Equal parts sick and hilarious, upfist for cracking me up.

        • BreakingDeadMen

          Yes, I’m going to Hell for that one, esp. with the corpse not cold.

  • pgjack

    How sick do voters have to be to elect these guys?

  • gullywompr

    Same as it ever was, same as it ever was. Same as it ever was, same as it ever was. Same as it ever was, same as it ever was. Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.

  • Donna Schoenkopf

    Justice for Maranda! Justice for Maranda!
    That SONofabitch.
    Thank you, dear Fakakta (which you definitely aren’t)

  • Squeegee

    The only surprise here is that he molested a girl.

  • gullywompr

    These GOP pedophiles are fucking immature assholes!

  • safari
    • babsMD

      Whoa. Really?

      • MANGO CRIMES

        looks like (I just posted a link from another outlet)

    • MANGO CRIMES
    • Lefty Wright

      Resigning would have been a better solution.

      • xzargo

        Too hard…for him.

    • The Wanderer

      My condolences to his family.

      For him, nothing.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Healing thoughts to his family. This has to be terribly rough for them.

    • PabloDali

      God’s will.

      • HooverVilles

        dsylexic doG works in mysterious ways.

    • It’s rough on the girl too, given that before he left this world he implied that the victim was a “disturbed” liar.

      Johnson said he’s “mad as can be” and that Richmond’s accusation of sexual assault is false.

      “She has got to be at a very dark place in her life,” Johnson said.

  • reelreeler

    He just shot himself

    • PabloDali

      Thank you NRA !!

  • Riley Whodat Venable
    • PabloDali

      Praise Jaaaayzus !!

    • theblackdog

      Holy shit!

  • Zyxomma

    Maranda, we stand with YOU. I hope the good people of Kentucky do the same. Dan Johnson, shame on you. I wish god were watching.

    • Delu

      He chose to go to God apparently.

      • He’s got some ‘splaining to do.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Suicide is not an approved method for that sort of thing.

      • Nasty Girl Brianna

        Oh no, he’s going the other way.

  • AmusedAmused

    Don Johnson has committed suicide. Jesus Christ. All he had to do was resign to spend more time talking to God. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, but he chose to make it so.

    • John Thorstensen

      One can never know, but I wonder if his motivation had a lot of “I’ll make everyone feel guilty for hounding me!” in it.

      • psychobroad

        That was exactly my first thought–I’ll show that teenaged slut that I assaulted, with any luck her community will shun her for making me kill myself!

      • MC Planck

        They say that murderers kill themselves over and over again, while suicides kill the whole world.

    • ltmcdies

      Well he’s talking to god now

    • Crank Tango

      We’ll always have Miami Vice I guess.

  • His suicide suggests there’s a whole bunch more that could come out about him.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • Yeah if these events follow typical protocol, then this wasn’t the only incident.

    • safari

      Oh. There is an entire podcast series apparently.
      http://longcon.kycir.org/

      • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

        If it weren’t for the sex crimes, and the arson, and the misappropriation of church funds, and the getting kids drunk, and the desire to get into politics, Dan Johnson could still have lived an exciting life in the ancient tradition of the “sleazy man of god”.
        I don’t know if we’ll ever know exactly why he killed himself, but he had a closet stuffed so full of skeletons, that any sort of criminal investigation would unearth enough to destroy his reputation, if not both his careers. I’ve already heard people describing his death as being due to the accusations of assault, but with so much other crap in Dan’s life just waiting to burst out into the public eye, that’s not a fair statement to make — especially with the effect that narrative will most likely have on the woman he assaulted, who had brought the accusations.

    • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

      Substitute will for could.

  • bbayliss

    “KY Rep. Accused Of Child Molestation Commits Suicide”
    Settles out of court?

  • ForePlinger

    He’s dead, Jim.

  • Seriously?

    Yeah, read that post. 9/11 invoked, because he molested. Of course.

    Hey, here’s a funny:

    Knock knock…

    Who’s there…

    9/11.

    9/11 who?

    WTF! I THOUGHT I SAID NEVER FORGET!!!

    Hooo! Ok. Bye, fucker.

    • redblack

      why the fuck are you babbling about 9/11?

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        Dan Johnson blamed 9/11 for making him kill himself.

        • redblack

          no shit?? i just read the blurb on the hill, and i assumed that he killed himself rather than face the ignominy of being outed as a repugnant piece of shit.

          either way: so long, asshole.

          • Old Man Yells at Cloud

            I was being a bit glib. He left an incoherant post on Facebook which included among other things that ptsd from 9/11 had won.

          • safari

            He claimed his ministered to the dead during 9/11 at ground zero for a couple weeks in a morgue he set up. No one remembers him being there. He also claimed that he was a UN ambassador at some point and the WH chaplain to both Bushes and Clinton.

          • Seriously?

            I’ve noticed a pattern by these people; they embrace a worldview that they (I think) know to be bullshit, but then add to it themselves with an alleged first-hand account, that they make up, so as to make it true.

            My crazy uncle does this all the time. “The Clinton’s were running drugs out of the Mena airport, which I know, because I was at Rantoul Air Force base (no you weren’t–why would you be?–and it’s not even there anymore) and there were drones! To be used against our own country!” No shit. This is my Easter, every year.

          • Nasty Girl Brianna

            Yeah I remember people who used to do that.

            In grade 3.

          • SDGeoff3

            His final message was an unhinged fundamentalist rant. I bet he was one of those people who bought full page ads and ranted about bible stuff and queers n sech.

          • redblack

            oh FFS.

          • Nasty Girl Brianna

            And something about blaming Satan.

          • Rickyphoo

            Not to mention, a lot of punctuation errors.

  • Mike

    Shot himself in Bullitt County.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      wry

  • I bet he wishes this wasn’t his final words:

    He said the whole piece by KyCIR was “outrageous.” As he left the podium, a reporter asked if he’s ever raised the dead, a claim the pastor has made publicly.

    “God has,” he said.

    I guess “God” is as big a liar as he claimed the victim was, eh?

  • Tina Mouse

    With sympathy for his family, who elects a guy who has been convicted of arson twice?

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      Two words: Darrell Issa.

      • SDGeoff3

        And all of San Diego County has just thrown up in our mouths.

    • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

      Dan Johnson’s bizarre past and previous encounters with the law weren’t actually brought up during the election.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And for that, I blame Obama.

  • Joe Monte

    To be fair, in Kentucky it is fatherly.

  • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

    Well, home slice just iced himself (not with votes, either) and blamed fake news and Satan.

    • Boojum

      I am not sad.

      • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

        Ne meither. However, I don’t like the narrative he started about false accusations…you just know some of those sisterfuckers down there are going to blame the girl for this…

      • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

        I’m sad for the people that his abrupt and violent exit will harm.

  • nightmoth

    Pro-gun and that’s what he used to kill himself tonight.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If only there had been somebody else with a gun who could have shot his gun out of his hand.

      Nah, there would have been a third guy with a gun who shot the second guy’s gun out of his hand and so forth in an endless hall of mirrors.

  • The Librarian

    What a babbling fool Is Mr. Johnson, in addition to his dubious achievements as pastor, rep, and rapist.

  • Manhattan123

    Facebook has really gone to hell. Can they bring back Farmville?

    • georgiaburning

      Even Mafia Wars would be an improvement

    • Eileen Besse

      Farm Town was better.

  • Machnethylsteinerbincolabird
    • Dazza

      Good lord.

      • andyk304

        I concur. Or I would if I wasn’t an atheist. But let’s just say that if I believed, the Lord done good in my book as far as that God-bothering arsonist, racist and rapist is concerned.

  • SDGeoff3

    Sadly, this isn’t going to cause many people to examine their superstitions.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    FWIW, I feel very bad for his kids. They had nothing to do with this, yet they will live with this for the rest of their lives.

  • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

    Johnson fatally shot himself earlier today.
    Send your sympathy to his wife and kids, and to the girl he assaulted – who will now not see him face justice.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      He is now in a court of higher authority.

  • bubbuhh

    Pastor and Kentucky State Representative McFuckfinger’s suicide note. It wuznt his fault. It wuznt his finger. It wuznt his drinkin. It wuznt his gun. N he dint shoot himself. See whut teh Fake News did???

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2c3ec31da14fcebfe0017a53178c18d143342679fdf6d1434a25db87c4415e9f.jpg

    • pstokk

      The editor in me wants to shorten this to “Guilty as charged”.

    • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

      Good god. Don’t write your suicide notes while drunk.

    • PincheMacha

      for some reason the thing that most disturbs me about the whole shitstorm is the phrase “…two in tummies” right here

      ugh

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Maybe “two in tummies” is what Trump meant when he tweeted “USED.”

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        Feeling guilt for the inevitable charges of cannibalism about to surface?

      • SilBot64

        Totally in keeping with the idea that conservatives only care about the unborn.

        Once they’re out of the womb, take away all their support systems – unless it’s a “traditional” [white] family unit with a “normal” Mommy and Daddy.

      • Tragic Typos

        I drove through Tummies, Kentucky one time.

    • Beelzebubba

      He didn’t even seem nice. Blaming everybody but himself, right to the very last moment? That was one fucked-up fundagelical.
      The worst of the MAGAts and MGTOWs will bitch among themselves and try to make him a martyr, but I predict that the people he “ministered” to want him buried and forgotten as quickly as possible.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And suiciding yourself on a bridge? Talking about a drama queen!

        • ZangoCrudmonger

          I half guess it’s so someone such as an emergency worker would find the bloody aftermath instead of family? Maybe a little less traumatic for them? Dunno.

          I mean, he could have called 911, said he was in his car at an abandoned lot then hung up and done it. Meh. Sounds like he wanted to snarl traffic. At the very least, he didn’t go full rampage with an arsenal taking out a bunch of innocents first.

          • Hesavebread!

            It is usually so the family don’t have to deal with it. Or he’s a drama queen. Either way fuck him (with votes).

    • trembler

      “Blame the devil” … what a devilish pig this pervert pastor was, good riddance!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “Nine grandchildren two in tummies”

      That’s not how this works.

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        It’s a series of tubes, is my understanding.

      • bubbuhh

        Apparently, he thought he was of the marsupial faith

      • Steve-o

        They ate them?

    • Sakonyachen

      Even while committing suicide he can’t take responsibility for his actions. [redacted]

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I feel sorry for the many, many guys named Dan Johnson who have to call their family and friends to assure them that it was some other Dan Johnson who offed himself and who will, from this day forward, have to introduce themselves with the words, “My name is Dan Johnson. Not that Dan Johnson.”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I hope that those two buildings he torched feel very guilty about having besmirched a fine, upstanding man’s reputation. This is on you, buildings!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    No man is an island,
    Entire of itself,
    Every man is a piece of the continent,
    A part of the main.
    If a clod be washed away by the sea,
    Europe is the less.
    As well as if a promontory were.
    As well as if a manor of thy friend’s
    Or of thine own were:
    Any man’s death diminishes me,
    Except for the death of this criminally insane multiple-arsonist, embezzler, and rapist.
    Fuck him.

    – John Donne

  • Johnnymoreno

    Add “Fake News!” to the list of hilarious, famous last words.

  • motmelere

    I’ve got nothing… a man took his own life & all I feel is a need to be a total shit about this guy. My best hopes and dreams for the rape victim of this sad tale.

    • Sakonyachen

      All I can do is agree with you now. The rest of my comments would be against the commenting rules. Already had Dok on my ass for this once, he might be less understanding if I interrupted his vacation.

  • rg9rts

    Offed himself…now he answers to someone else…RIP

    • diane surette

      Adios, Mother Fucker. Child rapist

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    I suspect this is what ALL Republicans think, though he omitted:
    – HER EMAILS!!!1
    – WHERE’S THE BIRF. CERT?!?!!
    – TAX CUTS!111

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2c3ec31da14fcebfe0017a53178c18d143342679fdf6d1434a25db87c4415e9f.jpg

    • MC Planck

      I think we can all agree that this is proof positive that Twitter was just wrong, wrong, wrong to give these yahoos another 120 characters to drool with.

    • godsaidHA

      “Satan is the accuser.” just reprehensible. I don’t cheer anyone’s suicide, but hope that his young victim has some vindication.

      • Zannah Merrill

        I think he’s trying to excuse Maranda from trouble without acknowledging guilt- like, “don’t blame her, it’s Satan’s fault.”

        “Satan is the accuser” is a common phrase in some churches. Satan accuses(often rightly), Jesus forgives. It’s unfortunate here, and I doubt it had the intended effect, but I certainly read it as more kindly than some Bible verses I could think of.

        /too long in the Southern Baptist Conference

        • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

          The church sign at Heart of Fire has said, since his suicide “Satan accuses, God says you’re not guilty”. In context, it just makes things even grosser.

          • Zannah Merrill

            You’re damn right it does. That’s disgusting.

            I’m no longer a Christian, but I definitely recall the theology being Jesus FORGIVING. Especially in evangelical circles, Jesus is quite literally the necessary sacrifice made to appease the law, because our sins are such that otherwise Satan would have the right to accuse us and judge us. Nothing there about us not having committed those sins. As I recall people would get pretty het up if you suggested that most people hadn’t committed sins deserving of death.

            Sigh. I get that they don’t want him to have done it, and they’re grieving, but that is honestly the worst. I normally don’t call suicide selfish, but in this case, he really screwed over that poor young woman, his family, his community, justice…

    • Belasaurius

      what does 9-11 have to do with trying to fingerbang your daughter’s friends during a sleepover?

    • BillEGoatSmirk

      “Tummies”? In a suicide note?

      • Zannah Merrill

        Sex-negativity, childishness and pedophilia wind up twisting together in a creepy skein.

    • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

      Buried in that mess is the classic religious hypocrite’s excuse: The Devil made me do it!

  • Jezzam

    This guy was a fucking train wreck. I hope his victim, or possibly multiple victims, take this unsavory scenario to heart in the simplest of ways. I’d say RIP, but I dont believe any great beyond should offer this rabid animal a moment of peace.

    • Lazyjay

      RIP would be good. Rest In Purgatory. As a suicide he doesn’t get the golden ticket to heaven.

  • Donna Mueller

    sending “thoughts and prayers” now, what’s for breakfast???

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Who are these classless fuckers wearing hats – baseball caps, even – in fucking church?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Well, he suicided himself last night. Mortal sins all around.

  • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

    FLASH — Kentucky lawmaker Dan Johnson was found dead Wednesday, just two days after allegations surfaced that he had molested a member of his church when she was 17, an official said.

    • Douglas White

      Wow. My condolences to his family….. they certainly didn’t deserve this happening to them. It’s too bad he didn’t have the integrity or fortitude to stick it out and answer for his actions….

      • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

        Some people puff themselves up into such a false image of untarnished virtue that when their transgressions are revealed they realize that what they had built for themselves was a trap from which they can see no escape.

  • writersbloc

    Boom. Headshot.

  • Shypixel here with a friendly stern reminder that the Rules for Commenting Radicals expressly forbids celebrating someone’s suicide. Even if he was an asshole.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Not a celebration, but quite an expose.

    http://longcon.kycir.org

    • Jwiz73

      thanks for sharing, this is really something.

  • Brian Loudermilch

    Alpha Mike Foxtrot

  • Sharon Cooper

    I really feel kind of awful for his family. To lose a loved one in such an utterly awful way and at this time of year…Jesus.

    The guy might be a total asshole, but I’m sure he had someone out there who loved him. Most people do.

    • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

      He had a wife and five kids, who now must come to grips with him suddenly being gone. And as I’m convinced the suicide was his way of taking control of the accusations, as well as the corresponding criminal investigation into his life, while screwing over the kid he assaulted, I can’t help but be fucking livid at Johnson, even though he is now far beyond the reach of any such mortal sentiments.

      Also, his wife, Rebecca Johnson, has since said that she plans to run as a candidate in the special election to fill her husband’s seat, and based on the statement she gave, she sounds about as crazy and awful as he was. So this story doesn’t even have the decency to be over.

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