Hi there Science Nerds! Are you, like us, interested in sciencey stuff, like robots, and space rockets, and super sexy blue space alien women with skimpy outfits? Of course you are, you are nerds. You know who else is interested in sciencey stuff today? No, not Space Hitler, but close, very close. It is Grand Poobah of All Space Donald Trump. Space News reports the White House will be holding a signing ceremony today where Trump will sign a big prop piece of paper, then hold it up for all to see, thus proving that Donald J. Trump can write his name and is the very smartest of all people, ever, even Jesus. Unlike the many similar ceremonies that Trump has held so that he can publicly pretend that he is getting anything done, this one is NOT aimed at taking away rights from women, people of color, or any of our LGBTQ friends. This one is aimed squarely at the moon.
The administration’s first space policy directive bears the awe-inspiring name of “Space Policy Directive 1,” and broadly directs NASA to prepare a plan to send Americans back to the moon, ostensibly as a stepping stone to the long term goal of putting Americans on Mars. Vice Pussy Grabber Mike Pence took time away from frantically avoiding being alone with a woman to say, “We will return American astronauts to the moon, not only to leave behind footprints and flags, but to build the foundation we need to send Americans to Mars and beyond.” Foundation? FOUNDATION?!?! What exactly are we talking about, here?
No, not that kind of foundation. Asimov uses big words, his books are hundreds of pages long, and there are no pictures, so it can be safely assumed that Trump has never read the Foundation series. The obvious answer is that Trump is planning to build a giant SPACE WALL ON THE MOON! TO KEEP OUT SPACE MEXICANS! You think we’re joking? OK, we’re joking, but only a little. So why does the fucknut currently squatting in the Obamas’ house want to go to the moon? Join us in speculation:
- He wants to add “First President to send men to the moon” to his unrivaled list of many, many, great accomplishments, really, so much more than any other president. Winning bigly!
- Someone told him he can find clean Space Coal on the moon.
- Because that sweet sweet Space Pussy ain’t gonna grab itself.
- The moon is outside of Mueller’s jurisdiction.
- Ivanka is about to launch a line of cheap moon rocket parts made in China.
- Putin told him to.