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This is the new girlfriend we found for Carter Page.

Donald Trump Jr. is headed to the Hill today to meet with the House Intelligence Committee, so he can tell them all about the Russian collusions he did in his spare time during the 2016 campaign. We imagine committee members are happy to have at their disposal the written testimony Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya gave to the Senate Judiciary Committee, which has just been released. Veselnitskaya, of course, is the lawyer who came to Trump Tower in June 2016 with a flock of her closest Russian pals to meet with Junior, Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner, a meeting they were granted because Junior was promised hot, sexxxy Russian dirt on Hillary Clinton.

Reading through Veselnitskaya’s testimony, we think maybe she and world’s dumbest Russian intelligence asset Carter Page would be good as boyfriend and girlfriend, because her testimony, in places, is LI’L BIT BATSHIT, just like his testimony to the House Intelligence Committee was.

The major headline out of Veselnitskaya’s written testimony isn’t exactly new information, but it’s interesting to hear it from her perspective. She writes that Junior’s juices were flowing and the capybara jizz he uses as hair gel was becoming bubbly and viscous (not her exact words), because he was DYING to learn the Hillary dirts he was promised by British music promoter Rob Goldstone, the cut-out who set up the meeting. (“If it’s what you say, I love it!”) But Veselnitskaya says she ain’t had no Hillary dirts, which made Junior forlorn and bored:

In case you can’t read, a partial transcription:

Donald Trump Jr. asked if I had any financial documents proving that what may have been illegally obtained funds were also being donated to Mrs. Clinton’s foundation. I said that I did not and that it was not my issue. The meeting, essentially, ended there. Today, I understand why it took place to begin with and why it ended so quickly with a feeling of mutual disappointment and time wasted. The answer lies in the roguish letters of Mr. Goldstone. […] Now that I know the kind of apocalyptic Hollywood scenario what a private conversation between a lawyer and a businessman can be turned into, I very much regret that the desire to bring the truth to the congressmen has thrown the US President’s family, as well as Mrs. Clinton, into the whirlwind of mutual political accusations and fueled the fire of the morbid, completely groundless hatred for Russia.

Junior wanted to conspire to get Clinton Foundation secrets from the Russians SO BAD! (This is what happens to a person’s brain when they survive on a diet of Fox News and other conspiracy theories.)

As to Veselnitskaya’s complaints about “morbid” and “completely groundless hatred for Russia,” meh, whatever.

We outlined in detail what Natalia Veselnitskaya’s jam is several months back, explaining her crusade against the Magnitsky Act and its originator, Bill Browder. Magnitsky Acts around the world have been passed to punish the Russian government and its faithful oligarchs for human rights abuses, specifically stemming from how Russia (LOL “allegedly”) murdered tax lawyer Sergei Magnitsky in prison in retaliation for Magnitsky and his client, Browder, uncovering MASSIVE BILLIONS OF RUSSIAN RUBLE FRAUD. (Veselnitskaya says every word of that is FAKE NEWS.) The Russian government views Magnitsky Act repeal as the first major step in getting rid of all the sanctions that prevent them from living even larger lives of crime and luxury than they already do. Much of Veselnitskaya’s testimony is about that shit, and it’s not worth your time.

Here’s a part that’s kinda crazy, where we learn that, despite what you may have heard, Natalia Veselnitskaya is not James Bond, and moreover, that Donald Trump Jr. wasn’t even the son of a presidential candidate.

… Donald Trump, Jr. … who then was neither the son of a US President, nor was he the son of a single presidential candidate from the Republican Party.

And our meeting did not take place in a safe house like in the James Bond movies, but in the Trump Tower in New York.

No James Bond! No James Bond! YOU are James Bond!

Veselnitskaya also takes issue with language in the email from Rob Goldstone to Junior, where he said the Russians were coming to offer incriminating Hillary Clinton dirts, as “part of Russia and its government’s support for Trump.” Who even says that? Natalia Veselnitskaya knows who says that, and it is FRANKENSTEIN:

“DOESN’T THE ABSURDITY AND IMPROBABILITY OF THE STORY BY THIS FRANKENSTEIN WRITER BECOME OBVIOUS?”

Another HOO BOY moment comes as Veselnitskaya describes what happened once Junior tweeted out all his Russian emails about his Russian meeting. Veselnitskaya, obviously, is completely innocent, but she knows who is guilty, and it is the American media, for using this to crucify the pure and wonderful American president and his totally above-board family:

Today I can say that the story of my meeting with the son of the US President in the form of which it is currently being cultivated in America is nurtured by the US media, and behind them and politicians there is a cheap, inciting and eerily irresponsible campaign. Aimed against the institution of the President as such, and ultimately — at their people.

The heat of passion reached such a climax (as it seemed to me then) …

THE HEAT OF PASSION REACHED A CLIMAX! IT SEEMED!

… [T]he American media simply destroyed their President using my name. For me, it was and still is a savagery: I do not care about who the US President is, but to destroy a person whom tens of millions of citizens have voted for using conspiratorial accusations just for a world show is a direct road to schism and mutual hatred …

WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF POOR DONALD TRUMP????

Funny how so many people associated with the Russian government (Veselnitskaya says she isn’t, to which we reply “pffffffffffft“) seem to feel that way!

The only other news in Veselnitskaya’s testimony is that yeah, she’s worked with Fusion GPS co-founder Glenn Simpson — but not with the firm itself — on a thing related to Bill Browder and the Prevezon Holdings Ltd. money laundering case she was litigating. This, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with the work Fusion GPS was doing with British spy Christopher Steele, which Veselnitskaya knew nothing about. To idiot Republicans, this information means HILLARY WAS THE ONE COLLUDING WITH THE RUSSIANS TO MAKE THE DODGY DOSSIER, but normal people who know how life works understand that a private intelligence firm like Fusion GPS might be retained by more than one client at a time.

Kind of like lawyers.

And car washes.

And Burger King.

According to Veselnitskaya’s testimony, she has never met Carter Page, whose testimony to the House Intelligence Committee, we admit, was much more fuckbonkers than anything Veselnitskaya said to Senate Judiciary. But maybe they should meet up! Maybe they can get together to Testify ‘n’ Chill about how Russia and Trump are wonderful and America is mean and IT’S ALL A CONSPIRAC-AH!!!11!!!11!

Granted, for Page, the conspiracy is that Hillary Clinton is violating his civil rights by doing #Pizzagate to his Catholic faith, whereas for Veselnitskaya, the conspiracy is that mean Americans and Bill Browder are acting like Russia is “corrupt,” when the truth is that Russia is an open society with a fairly elected government that doesn’t rape, pillage or murder even a little bit.

But we feel like they could make their conspiracies work together and live happily ever after, don’t you?

Awwwwww, young batshit Russian foreign agents in love! Warms our hearts.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Veselnitskaya testimony]

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  • proudgrampa

    Wow. I guess those word salads are why lawyers get the big bucks…

  • Joe Beese

    the morbid, completely groundless hatred for Russia

    I almost never say this, but: Blow me.

    • Roadstergal

      I have a Russian co-worker. Politics are a taboo subject around her, because she has completely bought into the Russian government party line, even though she lives and works here. It’s scary.

  • Mavenmaven

    yes, because James Bond meetings always happened in elegant locations, not some gawdy Trump property.

    • schmannity

      Bond: Casino Royale, Monaco
      Trump: Taj Mahal, Atlantic City

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
    • Antonin Dvorak

      What hath you wrought?

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        A storm of shit and duckies.

    • TJ Barke

      So you like Hanukkah erotica too?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Maya Rudolph? For shame. Wait? Wut?

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    OT: Soooo smart peoplez – how bad is this Jerusalem as capital thing? Cause I have a vague memory of hearing this move would be really fucking bad (and/or stupid).

    • Anna Rompage

      It’s really really fucking bad that is likely going to cause a major destabilization in the Middle East, and will likely result in a massive uptick of violence by the Palestinians, Hamas, and Hezbollah…

      • Daniel

        WINNING.

      • Pilotshark

        and puts Iran in play as well.

        distraction 101 with mutable OH SHITS!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Yeah, yeah, yeah. What’s the downside?

    • jesterpunk

      On a scale of 1 to shits fucked up this is shits really fucked up and its going to cause a huge problem in the middle east.

    • Joe Beese

      Literally no one in the world – save the Jeebus freaks – think this is a good idea.

      • jesterpunk

        Even Jeebus freaks think its a bad idea in every other country but the US evangelicals. They only want this because its supposed to lead to the end of the world.

        • Seek

          Give them credit – It might lead to that. Now, I’m not an evangelical christian or any other flavor of religiosity so my take is that this is a result not to be desired but who you gonna go with?

        • Eo Raptor

          This is one thing the Fake Media needs to highlight when saying evangelicals supported this move. It has nothing to do with support for Israel, and everything to do with end-of-days fetishes.

    • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

      People are going to die because Trump wants a distraction bad.

      • Daniel

        It’s so much easier to distract with violence than with competence.

    • Daniel

      Palestinians are planning a Day of Rage over it.

      Turkey has described it as a “red line for Muslims”.

      Egypt, Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Jordan and others have told Trump it’s a fucking stupid idea.

      It’s going to be bad.

    • (((Sedagive)))

      It is the worst because the genocidally stupid people running what’s left of our government believe that the Temple Mount must be rebuilt so that the anti-Christ can usher in the Apocalypse.

      So it is, literally, Apocalyptically nuts.

    • Anna Rompage

      Imagine the shit show if the UN would officially recognize Mexico moving their capital to the heart of Texas, and then add 2000 years of bad blood & war on top of it…

      • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

        Excellent comparison.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Or Missouri chose Kansas City.

        • Covfefe

          That’ll show me. (If you mean Kansas City, Kansas.)

          • Msgr_MΩment

            All your Kansas City are belong to Show Me.

          • Covfefe

            Since you brang that up, Michigan is considering moving the State Capital to Toledo.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Practically bad, because of the reasons outlined below, and strategically idiotic because this is something being negotiated in the work towards an eventual two-state solution, and now we’ve just given away the whole trick.

      • Covfefe

        But you don’t know what Donald got from Bibi in return for this. Maybe it’s worth it.

    • PubOption

      It is extremely difficult to be an honest broker if you, unnecessarily, give a yooouge sign of support for one side. Alternatively, if you think that your son-in-law is about to testify to Mueller, you could make such an announcement and then send said son-in-law to talk to the Palestinians.

    • Michael Smith

      Well, the Taiwanese probably see it as a good sign.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Trumpie wants his own 9/11.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Sorry Dolt45, we’ll still have #MuellerOnOurMinds

    • Roadstergal

      You know how whenever people say that we shouldn’t impeach Trump because Pence would be worse, and I say that Pence is already doing his fuckery with Trump as cover?

      This move has Pence written all over it.

      In crayon.

      And blood.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      It’s not just bad, it’s stupid and unnecessary, because the defacto embassy is already in Jerusalem. They just don’t call it that.

  • Joe Beese

    Sens. Gillibrand (D-NY) and Hirono (D-HI) call for Franken to frank off.

    • Asterix

      I was there 5 women ago. This must end.

      • TexasDumb

        Interesting that Trump knew of 6 accusers, way back when this started.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I don’t approve of this business of picking off Dems one at a time, but if that’s how it has to go down, he needs to get the hell out of Dodge so the D gov of MN can appoint a new (woman) Senator NOW, well before next year’s general, just in case the State House turns red.

    • schmannity

      The drip drip drip is like early onset Trump gonorrhea.

    • Joe Beese

      McCaskill and Hasaan jumping on the bandwagon.

      He’s gone by end-of-business.

      • Joe Beese

        Murray and Harris too!

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Veselnitskaya’s testimony reads like a poorly translated Victorian Russian porn novel.

    • schmannity

      Natalia does Moscow.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Crime and no Punishment. Yet.

    • Daniel

      Whore and Peace.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Warren Pease.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Whore and pees?

      • Saxo the Grammarian

        The Idiot.

        Obvs.

        Edit: Dead Souls, also too.

        • Querolous

          Uncle Vladya.

      • Covfefe

        Crime Without Punishment

    • leemoder

      Horton Hears A Word Salad

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The Idjit?

      • Daniel

        Who Is To Be Done?

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Oblomoff.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Not exactly Deep Throat, but getting there.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Crimea a river Roosha. That and your invasion of Georgia’s been on my mind.

    Fucking cleptocracy.

    • JohnBull

      It’s becoming very scary how much our countries are becoming alike, except the Russians still have a soft spot for classical literature.

  • JohnBull

    Groundless hatred for Russia? Russians would hate Trump too if they knew half as much about him as we do. He’s basically Putin without the nimbleness.

    • Or the brains. Or the competence.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Or a plan.

        • Jim QuinnX

          Or a clue.

          • Rags

            But with a bigger army.

    • Covfefe

      Oh, I think Russian oligarchs know two to three times as much about Donald Fredeovich as we do. May even more than that.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I can now read the name Veselnitskaya smoothly and without interrupting the internal word flow. Progress.

    • Querolous

      A very loose translation of “Veselnitskaya” is “happy place”. Jared & Co. were merely trying to go to their happy place.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    The heat of passion reached such a climax (as it seemed to me then)

    But enough about the after- party.

  • schmannity
  • Michael Smith

    In her defense, Veselnitskaya’s Capo probably gave her a stern dressing down for her carelessness after this story came out, and told her she needs to get out there and do some damage control or she may end up in Putin’s bad graces…

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Pretty Girl has a lot of ‘splainen to do.

  • Roadstergal

    “but to destroy a person whom tens of millions of citizens have voted for using conspiratorial accusations”

    Yeah, that’d be a shame, wouldn’t it?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    I thought Carter Page had a conspiracy boner for Putin’s “daughter”.

    EDIT: Accidentally wrote ‘Trump’ for ‘Putin’. How did THAT happen?

    • mike stone

      No sane person would want to be involved with Putin’s daughter, but Page is not sane.

  • Baconzhurtzin’

    I keep thinking…how would Dwight Eisenhower handle this whole thing. I’m pretty sure he was the last competent Republican to hold the white house.

    • OrG

      He was a Commie stooge.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Which one? Larry, Curly Joe, Shemp…

      • ariel_gee_398

        Wouldn’t that make him a Marx brother?

        • Baconzhurtzin’

          *rim shot*

        • Ghenghis McCann

          ‘Je suis Marxiste; tendance Groucho.’
          Jean-Luc Godard
          (And no, he wasn’t the captain of the Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation)

      • Baconzhurtzin’

        True and little know story about Ike. In England before the big push off to Normandy, security was super tight. He went into a building with some top brass for some reason or another and a private asked to see his security clearance. Ike, busy in a conversation with his entourage handed this private his wallet (there was less than £5 in it). The private looked through his wallet and said “I’m sorry General but we are under strict orders and your pass is a day expired”

        Eisenhower “gave a large and gracious smile and then politely said ‘oh I left the new one in my desk. I have to go back and get it. You’re a good soldier’. Then proceeded to leave only to come back a half hour later and say ‘I got the right one now sir’ and saluted me a lowly MP”

        Now that’s a dude that runs things by the book.

        • NotReallyHere

          I like this story and I really want to believe that it is true, so I’m not even going to try to verify it.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          A similar thing happened to Isaac Asimov at a science fiction convention. He got stopped for not wearing his badge on his way into the Dealer’s Room by a first-time convention goer working as a door guard to pay for his membership. Everyone freaked and went after the kid, but Asimov stood up for him. The rule was badges had to be visible at all times in the convention’s public space, and he broke the rule.

          He went back up to his hotel room to get his badge.

    • Anna Rompage

      I’d say the last competent republican to hold high office was Bill Clinton, but that’s just me…

      • Baconzhurtzin’

        I Democrat from Arkansas us the same as a Republican from Vermont.

        • Anna Rompage

          Pretty much, not to mention, the GOP has shifted from being republican, to bat shit crazy, and the dems have mostly shifted from being the liberal bastions, to centrist progressive republicans of the 1980s…

          Our whole political spectrum has shifted to the right over the last 3-4 decades, except for maybe on social/civil rights issues..

          • Non-Threatening Ron

            The actual political left got thrown out of the Overton Window a long time ago.

    • Rebel Scum with permit
    • Gosala

      Considering how he hid under cover during that Red Scare thing…

      • Querolous

        He also implemented “Operation Wetback.”

  • FukuiSanYesOta

    Natalia needs to up her hat game if she wants to catch the eye of the charisimatic chapeau connoisseur Carter Page.

    • Daniel

      “Chapeau Connoisseur” is actually what his business cards say. Underneath it says “ask me about betraying my country!”

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        “Special rates for Rosneft employees”

  • Ricky-pus gutted tub of guts

    Viscous Jizz Quartet – my new band name!

  • penny stock

    It’d never work….Natalia always comes first!

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
    • Ghenghis McCann

      Go under it. ”Duck and Cover.’

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        Also what Roy Moore’s victims said.

      • proudgrampa
        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste
          • proudgrampa

            “Capacity 3900”

            Jesus. 3900 corpses.

            I don’t know if you’re old enough, but I remember school drills in the 50s where we would get marched into the bowels of the elementary school.

            Mostly, I remember kids crying their eyes out.

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            That was a it before my time. In Kansas, we feared tornadoes. But I get your drift. I recall looking at those signs and wondering what CD was all about or radiation. The signs were all around but none of my teachers explained, at least in a way I could understand, what was going on. And actually, I doubt then as now, anyone can adequately explain to anyone else just how horrific nuclear war is.

            Unless you are Japanese.

          • proudgrampa

            You, too? I grew up in Overland Park, KS.

            We were told “Tornado Drill,” but we all had the sense that it was something else — something we were hearing about in current events and on the 6:00 o’clock news…

      • Rags

        For many years as a child I huddled up against the bedroom wall when I went to sleep for this reason. Fuck.

        • Non-Threatening Ron

          These happy childhood memories brought back to you by Donald ‘PAY ATTENTION TO ME!’ Trump. You’re welcome.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          In Britain we were told we had the ‘Four Minute Warning’ from when the missiles were detected until they hit. Barely enough time to boil an egg.

          • Alienist

            Why would you want a boiled egg as your last meal?

          • Ghenghis McCann

            Before microwaves, there wasn’t much else you could cook in under four minutes.

          • natoslug

            Seems like that nuclear strike should take care of the egg for you. No need to boil.

    • TJ Barke

      It mostly boils down to “be far enough away”.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Let me guess: Airplane tickets to Diego Garcia?

    • leemoder

      Our Friend The Refridgerator

      • Roadstergal

        Hey, remember those photos of Nagasaki showing refrigerators standing unharmed amidst the rubble? The Crystal Skull writers did.

  • Bananas Foster
    • Msgr_MΩment

      A few days ago:

      Are there going to be more allegations, Senator?
      I don’t know.

      That should have tipped us off.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      As the RNC and Trump endorse Roy Moore for senate. I can’t even. I really don’t know what to think.
      And yeah there are probably more women. Were I one who had had that happen to me, I might say “Enough have come forward already. I don’t need this type of attention”.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    wow – reading her statements (and gross spin and lies), she should get sarah hucka sanders job.

    • Anna Rompage

      Nah, she works for a dictator that has 80+% approval rating, no matter how much he lies to the public…

      • george lastrapes

        Putin so beloved that deads are leaving grave for vote at him!

    • Ricky-pus gutted tub of guts
      • eggs ackly-wright

        Nice outfit. Who shot the couch?

        • Ricky-pus gutted tub of guts

          Mr. Gameshow Host game used to say that! ❤️

          • eggs ackly-wright

            Stolen from John Paragon, it’s true.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      She would at least be better dressed, and having a Russian do that job would cut out the middleman.

    • Doug Langley

      There you are! Where have you been?

  • NastyBossetti

    “DOESN’T THE ABSURDITY AND IMPROBABILITY OF THE STORY BY THIS FRANKENSTEIN WRITER BECOME OBVIOUS?”

    Wait, what does Mary Shelley have to do with any of this?

    • Daniel

      Not Shelley- it was written in the Edgar Winter Palace.

      • NastyBossetti

        My mistake!

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Fortunately, the next single is a “Free Ride” to Leavenworth for the whole gang.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        Is that near the Kelsey Grammar school?

        • Daniel

          Yes, and the Anthony Michael Hall.

  • JohnBull
  • WeaselPoo

    I used to think lawyering required an ordered mind, attention to detail, a basic knowledge of human behavior and shrewdness. Recent examples of actual lawyers on the Trump- Russia side of the courtroom suggest to me that, had I been “able to draw ‘Binky'” or learned to stuff envelopes or make lamps out of old wine bottles, I too could have been a lawyer.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      You’re thinking of good lawyers. There are none involved in this mess.

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      The bar exam is pretty easy if you are capable of memorizing a bunch of bullshit and can keep it in your head for two days.

      • Roadstergal

        Thomas Smith on Opening Arguments is taking the bar exam, one question a week, based on just what he hears on the podcast. He’s over 50%, last I checked.

  • Fartknocker

    She writes very long paragraphs. But all the fluffy bits were interesting. I think Don Jr. hurt her feelings.

    • WIDTAP

      He didn’t call the next day.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Junior can only talk to her if there are 8 other people in the room with them.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Is this a Pence thing?

  • Ricky-pus gutted tub of guts

    Sty vs Sty

  • ariel_gee_398

    You know how I know she’s lying? She claims she was trying to appeal to Don Jr.’s sense of morality and fairness.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Poor Tasha is a great American patriot. You libs could learn a thing or two from her about the issues burning for society.

    • Rags

      Your command of Americansky idiom is nyet goodnik.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    This is like bad Penthouse literature…

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      “I took my orange meat log and shoved it straight into her country.”

      • therblig

        thank you for destroying my:

        sex drive
        hunger
        patriotism

    • MynameisBlarney

      Dear Penthouse Forum,

      You’ll never believe this, but…

    • Jimh

      “I always wondered if the stories here were true…”

  • Thiazin Red

    Shes no Elizabeth Jennings.

    But seriously, the Russian spies don’t have any evidence that the Clinton Foundation did anything wrong so I never want to hear about the “scandal” ever again.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      The Truth is out there . . .

      • Rags

        You betsky!

    • Oh, it’ll take at least elevnty-gazillion hearings to determine that. Run by Trey Gowdy.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Funny how so many people associated with the Russian government have a better command of the English language than trump.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Funny how so many people associated with the Russian government have a better command of the English language than trump.

      • therblig

        Funny how so many jizzing capybaras people associated with the Russian government have a better command of the English language than trump.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          That’s what I meant, it was just a slip of the tongue..

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I love the way that the Wonketterati selflessly help each other refine and polish the non-comments.

    • I KNOW, RIGHT???

    • MynameisBlarney

      As do many of the people he wants to deport.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      That woman can bloviate better than most native English speakers. Not that that is necessarily a good thing.

  • Well now that I know Mary Shelley set up the meeting all the pieces fit together. AND COME ALIVE!

    • Non-Threatening Ron

      <golf clap>

    • Nockular cavity

      DIG! HER! UP!!!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • MynameisBlarney

      They’re too busy trying to help elect a pedo right now to bother with that.

    • MynameisBlarney
      • Roadstergal

        How much did Ken Starr’s investigation cost – adjusted for inflation?

        • MynameisBlarney

          No idea, but I bet the info is available somewhere.

        • Little Lulu Ω

          At the time, as I recall, it was about $75 million.

          • Roadstergal

            Damn, a tenth of that to find some actual crime is a bargain.

  • mike stone

    Is this woman smart enough to survive working for Putin?

    I have my doubts.

    • Roadstergal

      You don’t have to be smart if you’re devoted to Putin.

      Just ask Trump.

  • WIDTAP

    “completely groundless hatred for Russia,”

    I will start feeling bad about hatred for Russian when they stop killing journalists and poisoning opponents with polonium.

    • Roadstergal

      And beating gays.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Pretty sure they disappeared quite a few gay men, didn’t they?

    • MynameisBlarney

      And fucking with our elections also, too.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Anna Politkovskya. ANGRY.

    • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

      I feel bad for the Russians who are actively trying to do something about the country, or struggling to get by.

      The rest can get fucked.

  • Non-Threatening Ron

    This person is destroyink reputation of woman spies!
    – Natasha Fatale, Pottsylvanian Intelligence Service

    • WIDTAP

      The Natasha Fatale of PIS? Have you ever met Donald Trump?

  • Ghenghis McCann

    The heat of passion reached such a climax (as it seemed to me then) …

    There’s an annual award for worst sex scene in a novel. Natalia could be a winner if she ever goes into writing real fiction.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And still a better love story than Twilight. (The Moose on Squirrel love scenes alone will make it a classic of erotica.)

  • Timothy Watson

    “… Donald Trump, Jr. … who then was neither the son of a US President, nor was he the son of a single presidential candidate from the Republican Party.”

    Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but is she saying that Trump wasn’t a presidential candidate at the time of her meeting with Junior?

    • Edith Prickly

      That’s how I read it too.

    • Marion in Savannah

      She may be trying to say that he wasn’t the SOLE Republican candidate. Maybe. Or she may just be a fabulist.

      • Timothy Watson

        But he was by June 9, 2016, as he had gained a majority of the candidates by May 26, 2016 and all the other candidates had withdrawn, with Kasich being the last on May 4, 2016.

    • NastyBossetti

      Technically, Trump wasn’t a single presidential candidate, because he was married to Melania at the time. That’s how I’m making sense out of it.

    • Roadstergal

      He was the son of multiple presidential candidates…?

      Nope, it just makes no fuckin’ sense.

  • WIDTAP

    Bill Browder? Well, what does Bill Browder have to say about the Russians?

    Let’s ask Preet Bharara

  • Hemp Dogbane

    She seems to be saying the climax came way too fast.

    • WIDTAP

      She did know that she with one of the Trumps, didn’t she?

    • kilgoretrout

      Right after, “is it in yet?”

      • Ghenghis McCann

        That’s basically what a friend of mine said about her first sexual experience..

        • NastyBossetti

          That’s very sad, but it’s also probably not unlike a lot of women’s first experiences.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • kilgoretrout

    Who writes her stuff the Ghost of Lenin?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Comrade Lenin, not dead. Merely a waxwork in his tomb in Moscow.

    • Tovarish Z

      Doubtful, it is too easy to follow.

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      The writers for The New Leave It To Beaver?

  • TundraGrifter

    “The answer lies in the roguish letters of Mr. Goldstone.”

    Was this a campaign conference or a lady with big gold hoop earrings and a headscarf reading Tarot cards?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Roadstergal

      This made my morning.

    • WIDTAP

      Ha! Screw you Indiana, Iowa still rules the pig sty!

      • Antonin Dvorak

        I do like that gap in all those black dots where presumably Indianapolis is.

        • Jimh

          They need to update the map. It’s been filled in.

      • Lefty Wright

        It’s a really old map. While Iowa still has a commanding lead, North Carolina is a solid second in pig shit production.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Huh. I thought there’d be more in D. C. Have you done a map for “pig-fuckers”?….

    • Oblios_Cap

      Bacon all around! Whoopie!

    • BearDeLaOursistance
      • Roadstergal

        This past election brings that into question.

    • Querolous

      “We lost Canada and Mexico to the hogs already” and there are a shitload of hogs that can swim.

  • rocktonsam

    Ziff Brothers?
    Arnie Ziff had a brother?

    • Raan

      Jon Lovitz certainly voiced enough characters for one of them to be his long lost brother.

  • Paperless Tiger

    She’s lying. They’re all lying. Furthermore, they’re coordinating their lies to cover up their conspiracy to hack the election. They’re framing the meeting as a failed attempt to ditch the Magnitsky Act, which is also a conspiracy, but a lesser crime. We already know why the meeting was called and what happened next.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Honestly, I couldn’t tell whether her testimony was trying to exonerate or incriminate Team Trumpkins. If she’s trying to convince anybody that everything was above board*, THIS is not helping.

      *I can imagine the Russians really don’t care how much chaos they create over here. The more the merrier for Russia.

  • TundraGrifter
  • OrG

    Carter page isn’t gay?

    • Daniel Hooper

      Not sure which definition of gay you’re going for, but he sure as shit ain’t beautiful or pretty.

    • Raan

      Does Carter Page is gay?

    • James Baskin

      Yes but he doesn’t know it yet.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        His head doesn’t even know that it is a skull yet, something that everyone else has known for years.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Worst War and Peace translation. Ever.

    • weejee

      Graf Pierre weeps.

  • Oblios_Cap

    THE HEAT OF PASSION REACHED A CLIMAX! IT SEEMED!

    If it only seemed to, you’re doing it wrong.

  • ChumpsForTrump

    In the long run, I think Russia is SCREWED.

    When the USA eventually recovers from what they did, the whole story is out, the puppets are gone and the government is back to being functional (ish), the next step is gonna be to sanction that shit hole country into a depression.

    • Roadstergal

      “When the USA eventually recovers from what they did”

      I do not share your optimism. :(

      • ChumpsForTrump

        I think we will. It’ll either happen on its own in 2018 / 2020, or it’ll happen after the Republicans start getting results. They’re staying in power due to the unfair advantages of extreme gerrymandering and voter suppression, that they only get to keep as long as they’re winning. The next time they lose, it’s gonna be BAD.

        The longer it goes on, the worse it’s gonna be for both sets of “R”s.

        • LeftyProud

          I think it is going to take much LONGER to recover from this shitshow. I will be imbibing much wine and staring at pictures of my dog to lower my blood pressure in between calls to my elected officials.

      • Grumpy Twat

        I may have posted this before, but I think it bears repeating.
        The Normans invaded Britain, seized the land and the reins of power, and almost a thousand years later, they still have it.
        https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/dec/17/high-house-prices-inequality-normans

      • redblack

        “when i get out of ICU, i’m going to kick your ass!”

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Welp, I’ve found the title to my first novel.

    The Roguish Letters of Mr. Goldstone

    • Bitter Scribe

      Sounds like Victorian porn.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I’d read that.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        That’s because IT IS

  • Daniel Hooper

    Why are we ignoring the REAL crime in her admission? Saying they’re creating a Frankenstein with all the media reports about Trump’s Russia connections? So the media is creating a man, is it?! Because Frankenstein was the SCIENTIST, not the monster! Get it right!

  • Phoenixdoglover

    I’m getting just a hint of bullshit in her written testimony.

    • Shibusa

      “…The American media simply destroyed their President using my name…” Really? She’s pretty fucking full of herself.

  • weejee

    I hear the sound of trap doors springing…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Spring, spring trap doors. Spring as you have never sprung before!

  • Bitter Scribe

    If the Trump people had any brains, they’d say, “Yeah, we ‘colluded’ with the Russians. So what? That’s not a crime.” And their moron supporters would go along. Playing footsie with America’s biggest and most repressive foe is cool with them because it pisses off liberals, which is the be-all and end-all of their miserable existences.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Exactly. If “collusion” isn’t a crime, why are they lying their asses off about whether they did it or not? Why so much lying about something that isn’t illegal?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Because…

        Hey, look, little Rocket Man.

    • LeftyProud

      DON’T GIVE THEM IDEAS! Sexual harassment is obviously now ok for them.

  • Xenu Ate My Baby!

    What utter, Russian horseshit.

    As much as Goldstone seems like a completely gross moron who has no prob being a lying liar for any purpose, or no purpose, I just can’t make myself believe he decided to just throw out “crown prosecutor” and “this Of course is Russia throwing support to y’all”

    Vlady P. knew exactly how rope in dumb American rubes.

    • Arolpin

      So, I guess it comes down to if Goldstone really was a rogue agent, he should probably stop drinking tea. If Goldstone *WAS* authorized by Putin or his henchmen, then he should probably also stop drinking tea, because it’s not the Russians have never burned a source.

      • Xenu Ate My Baby!

        I don’t know any Russians, and even I am staying away from tea these days.

      • Xenu Ate My Baby!

        Also, there’s just no way I accept Goldstone as a rogue agent.
        I mean. He’s not skilled, no way. Right?

  • Flashman

    If Carter Page ever has a child, it will look like a genetic combination of Carter Page and his fist.

    • redblack

      i was thinking a tube sock, but i get your drift.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Ah, Jr’s interview is today. So that’s why his pops is trying to stir up war games in Korea AND the Middle East. Fucking fantastic.

  • Shelli Kae

    I ask again, Why would Trump, the GOP and their merry band of misfit supporters work so hard to impede or completely end an investigation into the possibility* a hostile foreign country interfered with the United States presidential election? As Americans we should be furious that Russia attempted* to interfere in our way of life yet crickets from republicans and hate-filled, vitriol denials from Trump & his zombie horde. I guess republicans can only fear monger about one group at a time and right now it’s the Arab world and Muslims.

    *the use of the words possibility and attempted is most likely the result of a few too many true crime episodes where the police must give criminals the benefit of the doubt. It is an improper use of terminology meant to make the guilty comfortable enough to confess.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Because the Russians are good at compromat?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Evan,

    I hate to be the grammar police (No I don’t. I live to be the grammar police.) but please note the LI’L is not an accepted contraction for the word “little.”

    According to The Trump Plaza Manual of Style, er, I mean The Trump University Manual of Style, er, I mean The Mar-a-Lago Manual of Style, the correct spelling is “littel’.”

    Even as we not-comment, Betsy DeVos is formulating rules to oblige schools. whatever they are, to change all references to “L’il Abner” into “Littel’ Abner,” all references to “Little Dorrit” into “Littel’ Dorrit” and all reference to “small hands” into “big swingeng’ dick” hands.

  • Impatient

    So, returning to the summary level, Republicans continue their attempt to sell our country to Russians (a few of whom are nice), for cold, hard rubles.

    • Tony Prost

      and rubles are such a shitty currency!

  • Gigglesnort

    So, partners in fuckbonkery, basically? I think they might deserve each other.

  • Scrofula

    Wasn’t the “dodgy dossier” originally the term paper that MI# copied to justify their end of the Iraq invasion? From what I’ve seen, the latest one isn’t all that dodgy (but then, I might be missing some translational nuance with “dodgy”).

    • AJ Milne

      Ah. You’ll be needing the Trump to English phrasebook:

      ‘Fake news = Shit, they’re onto me’
      ‘Dodgy = Shit, they’re onto me’
      ‘No puppet = I dance for the one who brung me’.

  • vivaciouscritic

    OMG you said fuckbonkers.

    • phoenix00

      It’s not far off.

  • Totally Gross National Product

    Why do I have this image in my head, of Boris and Natasha from Bullwinkle?

    • phoenix00

      ’tis only natural

  • rubikcube

    Why do we keep going back to the Russian Rachel Ray as if she’s going to tell us the truth? She’s not.

    • JD Mulvey

      Donald Trump, Jr.: You can’t believe anything these Russian operatives say!

      Robert Mueller: Then explain to us why you met with them.

  • AJ Milne

    ‘… the heat of passion reached such a climax…’

    (Blinks…)

    (Fans self…)

    I’ll be in my двухъярусная кровать.

    … really no more seriously, I feel some credit should be given, here…

    I mean, sure, they’re skeevy, murdering, shitty oligarchs, and the best of a lively, fascinating culture I’ve always kinda admired now suffer endlessly under their shitty, self-serving thumbs…

    … but damn, but they do bring the sexxxy when they do their criming.

  • JD Mulvey

    I sympathize with this Natalya Veselnitskaya. Having to interrupt your vacation(!!) to talk to the New York Times about your work destroying America’s democratic system? I HATE when that happens!! Those Coronas aren’t going to drink themselves!

  • Ruhe

    All the funny batshit aside…I hope everyone is noticing that the Russians are still playing the game. I don’t the pee tape will surface any time soon.

    • Ms.Moon

      It doesn’t need to Trump is doing the work Vlad wants him to do. The minute he steps out of line though all bets are off.

  • Jesse

    I honestly don’t know how other news outlets manage to cover this white house without using words like ‘batshit’ and ‘fuckbonkers.’

  • phoenix00

    /me reading this whole thing: https://i.imgur.com/41GomWc.gif

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Well, I’m glad she cleared that up. I wish her and Carter a long and happy life together.

  • geoffalnutt
  • SeeTrainOffTheRails

    Young Batshit Russian Foreign Agents In Love

    I remember seeing that in the theater. Michael McKean and Sean Young. Not bad, though a bit predictable.

  • Zyxomma

    Awwww.

  • Moar Wordz

    Evan, first she’s described as a lawyer, then at the end of your article, you scribe ” Aww, Young Russian Agents ” in luuuuuuuuuuuurv.
    Is she a lawyer, a lawyer-agent, or none of the above ?
    NO YOU, YOU’SE THE RUSSIAN AGENT
    in Khrushchev.
    (Meant to write Luuuuuuuurv again but it autospelled ( or DID it ?!?!? ) to Khrushchev.
    She’s one of those old school types, (cough – like myself )
    who mourns a gentler time when the media was not so vulgar.
    A common, vulgar, potty – mouthed media plastering of her face and statements all over the fucking WORLD.
    That’s gotta hurt.
    Yes, meandering logic. Maybe anecdotal.
    But “A LIL BIT BATSHIT ?”
    She’s defending herself, expressing her version.
    Now I’m going to go get my magnifying glass and read her testimony eight more X’s. So I get it.

    • Tiny kaiju

      Reading this out of context ,I thought you were describing Peggy Noonan. But with less vodka.

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