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Darling fuckers,

There is wonderful news, and that is that on Friday, just five and a half years after we became the prima ballerina Wonkette, we shall pay off the final installment of the $47 and a sandwich we borrowed from Ken Layne to buy this joint. Beginning January 1, we shall use the globs of peanut butter and/or egg salad we had been paying Layne to instead purchase health insurance for the staff, who won’t have to get fucked by Red State Obamacare Sabotage any longer! Aren’t you happy for us all!!! Aren’t you going to comment in the strange netherworld below this post about FUCK YOU WONKETTE I AINT GOT NO INSURANCE WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE INSURANCE CUt uP HOt DOG’S FOR EVAR! (No. You will not, because people who post that only “read” Free Republic.)

But there is also sad news, and that sad news is that for the past half-year, we have ended each month a couple of thousand dollars shy of what we need to run this pastrami stand, and we are just about out of credit card. We guess we could survive without our freelancers, or Robyn on the weekends, but actually we would not survive without them, we would literally die. (Shy made us stop working weekends because he and the baby never saw us and also we cried all the time. We have ever so much less cancer now that Robyn’s on the weekend job!)

As you know already, we are ad-free. All our operating funds come from like-minded citoyen/nes who appreciate a bit of joy and sparkle among the Trumpery. From Wonkette you get serious policy, James O’Keefe’s delightful hijinks, and the top stories you simply must know, but not all boring and shit. And we watch that “president” 10 hours a day, so you get less cancer too!

Today we learned that James O’Keefe pays himself $317,000 a year from his “charity” to step on his own dick over and over. This caused much tsuris and gnashing of the teeth within your editrix’s soul, because ARE YOU KIDDING US JAMES O’KEEFE? And also because this is six times more than anyone at Wonkette earns per annum — if you didn’t know, we earn the same as the guys, and Robyn and the freelancers annualize to the same amount; Shy makes less because he’s part-time Pixel and most-time househusband — and we all have advanced degrees in dick-stomping!

If you can’t give us loads and gobs of money today (and every month please!), but would like to help out with the buying of merchandises for your War on Christmas, you could do so! There are

hats

and Wonkette T-shirts for ladies and for men (if we’re out of your size, we’ve got more coming; order away!)

and sooooo many leftover collector’s item Hillary Clinton Tees

and kitten onesies for your Wonkette babby

and the Wonkette Election Of US America Game Of Elections games with a new extra print-em-yourself open-source pack!!!

Or none of those things, but you’re buying shit on Amazon? Please do it through our sidebar link! (Okay, so we have ONE AD, and I honestly don’t even know why, it’s like $500 a month, wtf.)

If you are already tithing (please don’t tithe) to your Wonkette, please don’t give us more money. But if you’re one of the 9,000 or so people (out of nearly a million) who come to Wonkette many, many times a month, and you’re NOT one of the 3,000 or so people who are doling out ducats to us (MATH that is 6,000 of you!), please reach down deep, cancel that New York Times subscription or your money for NPR (but not the WaPo!), and consider sending it to us instead.

Maggie Haberman sucks my ass.

MERRY GIVING TUESDAY TO YOU!

I got you a baby.

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