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You see, Jared the person is a corporation. I am Jared the individual. Or am I?

Remember back when there was a Jared other than the Kushner one, and he advertised Subway sandwiches until he was convicted of having a bunch of child porn? He’s decided that there’s no prison that can hold him, because you see, the federal court that convicted him has no power over him: He’s a Sovereign Citizen and must be released immediately.

Fogle filed a motion on his own earlier this month in U.S. District Court in the Southern District of Indiana, saying he wanted to correct an “error” regarding subject matter jurisdiction in the case.

His defense?

That he is a sovereign citizen — a group the FBI calls “a domestic terrorist movement,” believing “federal, state, and local governments operate illegally.” In his motion, Fogle pointed to a “friend of the court” brief that was previously filed by a fellow inmate in the same federal prison, stating, “whether a judicial judgment is lawful depends on whether the sovereign has authority to render it.”

Oops, it didn’t work. Last Wednesday, District Judge Tanya Walton Pratt tossed out Fogle’s claim, writing in her decision:

If Fogle is now claiming to be ‘sovereign’, the Seventh Circuit has rejected theories of individual sovereignty, immunity from prosecution, and their ilk. […] Regardless of his theory, Fogle’s challenge of this Court’s jurisdiction is rejected.

Judge Pratt apparently has dealt with these weirdos before, and not even the magic of Sovereign Citizen anti-logic could persuade her that federal courts lack authority over people who declare themselves not subject to their jurisdiction. Which is pretty much what you’d expect from someone so deeply embedded in The System. Pratt also noted that Fogle had pleaded guilty to one count of “distributing and receiving child pornography” and also to a count of “traveling and attempting to travel to engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor” — not that claiming he was a sovereign citizen, a free man on the land, or the King of the Sandwich Islands would have done him any good two years ago, either.

Fogle was sentenced to 15 years, and we’re sure that at some point in the future he’ll find some other stupid goddamned way of preventing us from forgetting his name. In 2030 he’s probably got a decent shot at a Senate seat, as long as he runs as a Republican in Alabama.

[WaPo]

This week hasn’t killed us yet. Won’t you help us NOT TO DIE?

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  • The Wanderer

    Sovcits can be fun, or exceedingly tiresome. I applaud Judge Pratt’s decision, especially since Fogle’s a damned pedophile who deserves to spend every waking second of his time in prison.

  • Weird Fishes

    If Fogle managed to file a motion he’s more than halfway to becoming a federal judge!

    • The Wanderer

      I filed a motion earlier today. Then I flushed it.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        My motion was overruled, and I had to appeal with a friend of the plumber brief.

    • Boscoe

      Overqualified, clearly.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    So, he has a Legitimate Religious Belief that he is beyond the law, because he does not believe in it. Got it.

    • Boscoe

      Plus, the flag had fringe on it and he didn’t sign his confession in red crayon, so… INVALID.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        The court did not present its coupon BEFORE ordering, so yep, toss this case.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Someone discovered that pedophiles are safe in the prison library…

  • laughingnome

    I would have thought he’d try a submarine patent filing.

    • The Wanderer

      (snert)

  • Indiepalin

    My friends and I have lost hundreds of pounds together by eating nothing but submarine sandwiches day and night.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      But what did you do with Lori?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        at first I was afraid Roy Moore got to her, but then I remembered that she’s old enough to drive

  • Daniel

    Just a note:

    If any trolls turn up be sure to flag their comments with a gold fringe.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Is this question for Jared the Agent, Jared the Settler, or Jared the Person?

    No question, but the prison sentence is for Jared the Molester.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      So… AOT, K?

  • Joe Beese
    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      He’s disgusted because she is too old.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        She’s like, ‘OMG, that’s it?

        • laughingnome

          He was in the pool

          • CindyinEncinitas

            Shrinkage!!

        • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

          I asked for a footlong, this is 6″.

          • wide_stance_hubby

            Subway Now Offers Childrens’ Portions

            Yep, I hate myself alot right now.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            “Jared, that’s not what we meant when we said to order off the children’s menu”

        • Daniel

          There’s nothing there.

          Literally.

          Below Jared’s waist is just…nothing. The gaping void of deepest space.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      she’s looking for his five dollar footlong

  • Daniel

    He’s on solid footing- he advertised subs, which means he knows all about admiralty law.

  • Moebym of the Returners

    Such children, these SovCits. I bet when they’re children they told their parents with straight faces that they don’t believe in vegetables or school.

    • Bobathonic

      Well the school flag has gold fringe, so the principal has no jurisdiction over non corporate students.

  • Ezio

    Really what’s the point of the Onion even existing anymore?

    • Raan

      To remind us of the before times, the long-long-ago.

    • doktorzoom
    • The Wanderer

      For the horoscopes!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I really enjoy doing their Sunday crossword puzzle

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      So what you’re saying is, hold the Onion?

    • arglebargle

      What else are you going to tie on your belt?

      • Fancy Meau-Faux

        This made me LOL for realz.

        • arglebargle

          Happy to be of service.

  • Donkey Option

    No, but really. What do these people expect? That a judge will read the brief and say “Oh my GOD! My eyes are opened! I finally see the light! You are all so right! Be free my friends! Be free!”

    • Daniel

      “Shit! Another one who realised the law is a word game! Damn our tyranny! Damn our tyranny’s slavish obedience to typefaces and spelling!”

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      Prisoners ain’t got nothin’ but time. I’ve had to read petitions to the court alleging cruel and unusual punishment because the food tasted bad.

      • Shan

        Jail food IS disgusting.

        • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

          Sounds like Shanz has a rap sheet!

          • Shan

            Baconz told me lots of stories.

      • sarafina

        And in Minnesota the inmates used to change their legal names a lot.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      “The United States of America is COMPLETELY FAKE!!”

    • They believe that words are magic and that SovCit bullshit is like the Necronomicon.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Did that sammich have fringe on it? That’s the tell.

  • 🍁 Treg Brown 🍁

    “whether a judicial judgment is lawful depends on whether the sovereign has authority to render it.”

    Crazy pedophiles are funny.

    And crazy.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/845ca7d1e0bcc3376fa5188a9560e93a471ba8492b91ed43e045c01523dbefe8.gif

    • Raan

      And, not to put too fine of a point on it, pedophiles.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Calling JJ McNabb…

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Aye?

  • GoutMachine

    I feel like “Sovereign Citizens” are basically the adult equivalent of a child who builds a fort with the couch cushions and tacks up a sign that says “No girlz allowed”

  • TJ Barke

    OT: So I’m playing Children of a Dead Earth which bills itself as the most realistic space combat simulator ever, and I gotta wonder; why does anyone use anything other than lasers?

    • clubseal

      The NRA apparently still exists in the far future.

    • Put On Your War Paint!

      I was just playing Star Trek Online, I mostly use Phasers and Photon Torpedoes.

      Mt Exec is a Tactical specialist, she can Salvo 60+ Photorps if we have sufficient targets.

    • clubseal

      As long as we’re OT gaming-wise, have you played Horizon: Zero Dawn? I’m no sci-fi buff, but it has one of the best science fiction plots I’ve experienced in a long damn time.

      • TJ Barke

        Oh yes. It’s essentially the only reason I have a PS4.

        • clubseal

          I think it’s the first game I’ve ever played where I wanted to pick up all of the notes, logs and audio tidbits to find out more.

          • TJ Barke

            Yeah, it’s pretty great.

    • Parakeetist

      Since there has never been combat in space, how can it be realistic?

      • TJ Barke

        Advanced physics simulations.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Moore/Fogle 2020

    “There is no rock bottom!”

    • laughingnome

      The bottoms are not rock.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        but they are caught next to a hard place

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • The Wanderer

    OT: The shooter up north of Sacramento (shot dead by the police, by the way) apparently picked 7 targets at random including the school. It apparently started with a domestic dispute and went mobile. Two handguns and an assault rifle were recovered; the NRA spokesman said that they weren’t harmed.

    • mackafritz

      I’m sure thoughts and prayers are on the way.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        “they just came out of the oven, let ’em cool first.”

      • Pilotshark

        yep, they activated and sending the 360th thoughts and prayers special operations team.

      • Crystalclear12

        For the guns?

    • GoutMachine

      Another good guy with a gun, no doubt.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      there’s that pesky history of domestic violence again! (And pesky assault rifles)

    • Clark_Nova

      The police report says “semi-automatic rifle”, not “assault rifle”. Not the same thing at all.

      • Sarah Smith

        such a relief to us and the victims

    • cmd resistor

      I kept reading something about the guy’s neighbor saying he used to shoot a lot, scaring him and his roommate, and that the guy killed his roommate and stole one of their trucks. I wonder if that (neighbors?) is the domestic?

  • Raan

    I’m sure a prison guard corrections officer who has no union protection because private prison companies have fondled Republicans into power will be happy to discuss the situation with him.

  • clubseal

    And he was thus confined to a four footlong by five footlong cell for the next 15 years.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      And that’s a Subway footlong, which (per one lawsuit) is actually only 11″…

  • Fogle didn’t seem too worried about the sovereignty of the kids in his porn pictures.

  • shastakoala

    Never sit on a Subway.

    • doktorzoom

      Hey! It was just the once!

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        mmm…Meatballs.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          hold the pickle…

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    oh god do I love Sov Cits. If I EVER have to write a dissertation on something, it’ll be this looniness (no matter the major or area of study!)

    • Shan

      Would we be allowed to read it?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        Only if you consent and contract with the agent, myself, representing myself, on my behalf.

        • Shan

          Er…okay?

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            iz sov cit joke. Also, I ain’t never writin’ no dissertation girl!

          • Shan

            Oh…I was really confused!

            And I’m sure you’d write a mighty fine dissertation. If you did write one.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      I met a real one a few years back. He also claimed Hitler was Jewish and he (the sovcit) drank his own urine as a palliative. Mad as a box of frogs. Not a bad javascript engineer though.

    • Daniel

      They make me giggle even to think about.

    • ladycat713

      Then you should consult jjmacnab on twitter. She’s a writer for Forbes whose a specialist on these goobers.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I find them childish and tedious. They are remarkable mostly in how quickly they abandon their “beliefs” when they are in real trouble.

  • Bureaucrap

    He loses; he failed to use the “I, Idiot:” formulation in his pleadings.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Jared’s got a new hobby. That’s good because, you know, fifteen years is a long time to be a child molester in a prison. So I have heard.

  • Put On Your War Paint!

    That’s something else that has been very good about Coming Out – I don’t get these fucking idiotic SovCits thinking I’m one of them anymore.

    Seriously, when I was at the anime store I ran into these assholes a couple of times a week.

    • Shan

      How can you tell that’s what they are?

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        Because they wanted to talk about Gold Fringe and the rest. I truly do not know why they and Neo-Nazis thought I was a sympathetic ear.

        • mackafritz

          And they were all named Rusty Shackleford.

        • Shan

          I don’t even know what Gold Fringe means.

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            Oh, to the SovCits a Gold Fringe on Old Glory has a meaning – it’s under Admiralty Law, supposedly. It’s all stupid and makes zero sense, and I’m glad being Out means these asshole Losers don’t think I’m One of Them anymore.

          • Shan

            They’re probably into you but too timid to do anything about it!

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            Good. xD

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Isn’t there a broadway song about a surrey and gold fringe?

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            A furry with a syringe on top.

          • The Wanderer

            (giggles)

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            *nickers, delighted to have amused you*

          • The Wanderer

            I saw an MLP cartoon one time that featured Derpy Hooves with a dildo strapped to her head, freaking out another pony as she chanted “I am a Alicorn!”

          • The Wanderer
          • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

            I’m just now learning that SovCits are apparently prevalent enough to have their own diminutive AND a notorious reputation.

          • Shan

            Not THAT notorious, apparently! I think I only heard about them because of the Bundy craziness.

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            Lucky! Honestly, I think because I am a Wargamer and Scale Modeler is why I would meet these guys.

            Protip for Gamers – somebody has to play Germans if we are playing ww2 in Europe. This does *not* mean I am a Neo-Nazi.

          • You should ice that burn

            Maybe you just prefer the Panzer IVs and the superior firepower of the MG 42..

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            Honestly, I like Panzer IIIs best, those and Tiger Es. :)

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      SovCits at the anime store? Seriously?

      • Put On Your War Paint!

        Oh yeah. It was Colorado Springs, and we also too sold military model kits.

        We used to get some Serious Assholes.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          I am really having a hard time wrapping my head around SovCits being into anime. I would think they would be more into Furries.

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            We had a lot of Furries too, but they were all cool. We had a microcosm of Fans, my faves were the teenagers, they knew they were welcome and safe in my store. We let them hang out, and we had zero shoplifting because my regular kids watched out for us.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Fantastic! And they were exposed to the SovCits early so they could learn to laugh at them.

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            Yeah, those types made themselves scarce when the kids were in, thank goodness.

            Plus, I was *under* the Closet then, but we were known as a Safe Space for Queers, which still makes me proud.

        • clubseal

          Colorado Springs was kind of a shithole, but I loved the indoor soccer scene there.

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            I wasn’t into that, we used to play Paintball though.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            I learned this the hard way. Never, EVER play paintball with a former Marine sniper. YOU WILL LOSE, AND IT WILL HURT THE ENTIRE TIME YOU ARE LOSING.

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            We did play with former Marines, 2 of my friends had served in OIF. :)

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            You are made of much sterner stuff than I am. : )

          • Put On Your War Paint!

            xD We played up in Woodland Park, we had to set the Markers for 300FPS to play in the woods or the paint would disintegrate against leaves. Made for some epic fucking bruises. xD

            In 10 years our only real injury was a broken collarbone in a fall. I was Safety Officer and I had no compunctions about reaming anyone that removed their Safety Mask in the unsafe zone.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Me and a friend of mine used to paintball in the woods behind the house we were renting. The guy who owned the land we played on caught us one day. He said we could continue to use his property if we would let him play too. He didn’t tell us that he was a former sniper and a current paintball phenom. The guy would camo up and just hide until he had the perfect shot. I don’t think we ever got him even once. Many, many bruises at his hands. But he also home brewed some very good beer, so that was our consolation prize. Good times, good times.

  • Zonath

    A SovCit AND a pedophile? Well shit, transfer his ass down to Alabammy and run him for the Senate!

    • Cogswell – Overlord of Barsoom

      With a banjo up his ass.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Don’t Bread on Me!

      Incidentally, Subway franchisees must be furious.

      This guy damn near destroyed their brand and now he’s back?

  • Raan

    Semi-OT: Once Wawas stared opening up down here, we dropped Subway like a bad habit.

    • Shan

      I don’t eat there much now that they don’t have the garlic bread any more. I loved that stuff.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      WaWas are the shit!

      • cmd resistor

        One opened a mile from work. Yay.

      • Raan

        I would even go as far as calling them the shiznit, especially this time of year when they bring back the Thanksgiving sandwiches.

      • Parakeetist

        No.

  • Sheepshagger

    “I was traveling!”

  • Aaron Wise

    At least 4 people dead after Northern California shooting….breaking.

    Let us pray for those sent to Jeebus’s lead filled heaven.

    Is lead poisoning a thing in paradise?

    • Kneeling Bozilingus

      If Jeebus can have nail holes, I suppose gun victims can sport bullet wounds.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      I do that with purple top turnips with some parsnips. Make a great “cream of” soup with no cream.

  • Crystalclear12

    Sounds like he is keeping himself busy.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Dear Republicans: Can we PLEASE have a break from child molesters for 2 days? I’m going to visit a relative with a new babby, and I don’t want to think about all the terrible things that some people do to children while I am cuddling her and rocking her to sleep. It will be hard enough not to think about the terrible world she will grow up in if you monsters get your way. Here is babby. Look at that cutie pie – please go fuck yourselves so she can grow up in a good world where men won’t abuse her. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4d1f6c1bc67761442373a202c0f641a18f00f993f239ec24f376cec9a3ed118c.jpg

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Here is more cute babby. Please give her a world where she can breathe clean air and get a good education and have health insurance.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5f9542c6e888760d1d86d5ca8c9e4fdcfbd5891230719f7a9a3a887d1ae121a9.jpg

      • Shan

        Cute babby!

        • leslie

          why is everyone spelling baby like that? am i missing sthing?

          • Naytch

            It is a thing here.

            Tides go in, tides go out, you can’t explain it! ;)

      • Indeniable Ron

        I know it’s hard-wired into us, but that smile makes me all melty ‘n stuff.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Yeah! I’ve got a photo of my father lying on the sofa with his 4-month-old grandson lying on his tummy, and both are laughing uncontrollably, and there isn’t a tooth to be seen in either of them. I laugh every time I look at it.

    • Doug Langley
      • Angela Ruzzo

        I would, but cute babby’s mother has five cats already, and I think they would strongly disapprove of a dog. But we’ll see…it’s a good idea.

      • Courser_Resistance

        A friend of mine had a baby last year and her elderly greyhound is just wonderful with babby. When they go to parks, they share the same bed :-)

        • Angela Ruzzo

          I forgot to mention friends of mine 30 years ago who had 2 Cat Baby Sitters – those cats guarded that baby like it was made of gold. They would watch it while it slept, and the instant it made a noise they came and fetched us. I never saw that before or since with cats, not to that degree. My relative’s 5 cats are, so far, totally ignoring the babby, and they hide when she cries.

        • Vel Venturi

          Greyhounds are love, and senior greys even moreso. :)

          When I was a babby, a raggedy tomcat strayed himself up to our house and decided to become the babby guardian. Mom says he would let none pass (and her only grudgingly), but let me abuse him while he purred with delight. My grandmother freaked out that he would ‘steal my breath.’ He lived with us for many years. Good old Rascal.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Tiger was my beloved cat as a child. My baby brother was born when I was 9. If Tiger heard the baby cry, she’d go find my mom and meow in her face. My father tells stories of me when I was a toddler with her. She was pretty damn kid-proof. She’d go chill at my grandma’s up the street when she needed to get away.

    • Put On Your War Paint!

      I saw the other day a Lady bought her Babby a lollipop, he was like 2, and the joy on that child’s face brought tears to my eyes.

      How anyone could hurt a child is so far beyond me.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I think some people are simply miserable 100% of the time, and only happy when they can share that misery. Other people are just defective human beings.

    • Tiffany de Houston

      That is absolutely the cutest babby I’ve ever seen!

  • No, no, Jared… you’re doing it wrong. Sovereign citizens are out there wackaloons.

    If you want out early, you need to “find Jesus.” Find Jesus and perform heartfelt interviews with Christian pastors or radio hosts about how the devil pornography started you down a dark path to child rape, but now you’ve been redeemed, Hallelujah! Amen!

    That’ll get you a sweet book deal when you get out. Hell, you might have ol Jimmy Dobson speaking at your parole hearing in your favor. Then you can start a ministry to other men struggling with pornography and warning them that they might end up raping a child one day too!

    And, of course, I’m sure the churches you speak at will keep the little ones away from you because churches have such a good track record at keeping children away from predator ministers.

    • Crystalclear12

      Let’s not help him.
      ‘Cause you’re right that would work.

  • clubseal

    I think that “sovereign citizen” is the worst attempt at rebranding I’ve ever seen. I mean, where I’m from, we call people who ignore the law for their own personal gain “criminals.”

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      In Alabama they call them “judges”.

  • BigCSouthside

    OT I just saw Gohmert’s flow chart from the sessions hearing and it’s BAT SHIT

  • James Baskin

    I have to say… yeah, if you eat subway sandwiches, you’ll lose weight. Comprised mainly of lettuce and air.

    • GoutMachine

      And why does all their “meat” taste the same?

      • James Baskin

        They have meat?

      • Raan

        It’s cleverly painted foam rubber.

        • Phried Ω

          And sushi ceramic models are painted more convincingly.

      • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

        No shit, the cold cut combo has three meats: turkey, turkey ham, and turkey salami.

        • bbayliss

          No foolin around. white bread, lettuce, tomato, onions, more onions, please,
          some jalapenos, dash of oil.
          NO I do not want it warmed.

      • Courser_Resistance

        The ‘chicken breast’ frankly looks repulsive, sitting cold in its chrome bin. I’ve had to eat at Subway FAR too many times. Tuna’s the only way to go.

        • Shan

          Oh, no. That stuff rips my guts up. I only ever get the Spicy Italian.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Spicy Italian works, too. I’m sorry the tuna doesn’t agree with you. I have no idea what they put into it and I don’t have any food sensitivities.

          • Shan

            Mayo.

        • SeeTrain65

          I used to get the Seafood and Crab sub, a little lettuce and just a dash of salt and pepper. Loved it.

          Then, the crab was taken out, the seafood was mainly faux-crab made from garbage fish, and there was so little of it in the mixture it looked like a white soup sandwich. No thanks.

          BTW: We have about 847 Subways in a two-mile radius. It’s so bad that there is a Subway in the Walmart just as you walk out, and then when you look across the parking lot, there’s another Subway.

          Lewis Black saw a similar scene in Houston. On one corner was a Starbucks. And across the street, there was another Starbucks. “And that, my friends, is the End of the Universe.”

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb7qDfIzQRk

          Also, Jim Gaffigan as similar thoughts to me, and indeed, to all of us.

          “That was a bit of a disappointment, right? You’re thinking, ‘Hey! Subway! Eat Fresh!’ And then you bite in … ‘Not so fresh. … Not fresh at all.’ … Even if you haven’t been to Subway, you’ve probably walked by and breathed in that bread exhaust they pump out. ‘Ah, the smell of bread that was just baked in a dirty dishwasher. … I don’t know if it’s making me hungry or concerned for the ozone.'”

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTlHHm3RIW0

        • NDStorey

          No! Not the tuna! I’m having terrible flashbacks to food poisoning on a road trip through Nevada…

      • Msgr_MΩment

        And what’s the deal with airplane food?

        • ken_kukec

          Nice to see someone resuscitate Jay Leno’s act — now can you resuscitate Jay himself?

        • Jamoche

          Low air pressure fucks with your taste buds.

      • ken_kukec

        Never ask why the meat tastes the same, man. Never.

      • Phried Ω

        Why are the meats and cheeses indistinguishable from each other?

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      I always feel so bad for the workers as they silently count out the corporate-mandated number of cheese slices they are permitted to put on my sandwich.

    • Ducksworthy

      The diarrhea also helps you lose weight.

      • clubseal

        KFC already stole that slogan.

        • ken_kukec

          It’s the secret recipe of 11 herbs and purgatives.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    If the court has no jurisdiction of him, why is he even bothering with the motion? He should walk himself straight out of federal pedo-jail.

    …snerkle lol…

  • Wonky Magoo

    Nah, he could run as a Republican anywhere and get elected. Republicans are never bad people or criminals; they can do whatever they want, for as long as they want, as long as they donate to the party.

    • GoutMachine

      And any bad things they did, they did back when they were Democrats.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Faith is the foundation of God’s grace. It lets you diddle any kid you want, and still be Holier than any nasty Democrat. Praise The Lord.

    • Bemused

      It helps if they are really Jesus-y now.

      • Indeniable Ron

        Vocally Jesus-y. They don’t have to, you know, act like Him or anything.

  • Aaron Wise

    “Some students were transported to
    hospitals by helicopter, and others were moved to safe locations, the
    assistant sheriff’s said.
    At least
    one student was shot at the elementary school, and another child was
    shot in a truck along with an adult female, Johnston said”.

    Let’s not discuss this, as some are still suffering from the aftermath.

  • mirele

    Not every federal court judge has a gold fringed flag in her courtroom. I sat on a civil trial jury last month in Judge Susan Bolton’s courtroom and her flag was fringeless. (She’s the judge that found Joe Arpaio in criminal contempt of court, provoking Trump’s pardon.)

  • cmd resistor

    Damn, when I first saw this I thought it was Jared Kushner claiming to be a Sovereign Citizen.

    • The Wanderer

      That would be a delightful cherry on top of a pure shit cake.

    • arundel

      I really can’t decide which Jared is worse.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    He was really hoping to get Judge Roy Moore. Oh well.

    • little miss high and mighty

      can’t the repubs in Al. just switch out candidates?
      How shallow can their bench be?

  • Vel Venturi

    Every damn day, I think ‘it can’t get any more absurd,’ and then it does. Life is truly amazing.

    • MasRioBravoHombre

      2017 is bad and weird.

      • Roadstergal

        It is the brown acid of years.

        • quantum mechanic

          And 2016 was the year voters took flakka and bath salts before voting.

    • mardam422

      May you live in interesting times. Check!

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    after only 2 days, I can tell you, the mark of educated, smart, and experienced attorneys is the fear of using commas.

    Must be some thing about invoking evil spirits that no one told me about.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    I have Cousins on the New Orleans PD. The people who scare them most are White people who scream “I know my Rights” while being questioned. They have told me that they then assume the person is an ally of The Sovereign Citizen movement.
    Sovereign Citizens believe the only person with authority is a Constitutional County Sheriff, whatever that is.

    • h4rr4r

      Police are generally afraid of people who know their rights.

      Sovereigns are nutbags, but the Police are no angels.

      • Ωbjectifier

        NOPD particularly.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        My cousins are not angels by any means, but all three policed New Orleans through Katrina. They had sent their families out before the levee broke. I cut them a lot of slack.
        One is on an old episode of Cops as a mounted officer during Mardi Gras.

        • little miss high and mighty

          being a cop in the Easy just gotta be the toughest job.

    • brucej

      It’s kind of funny because you know what the County Sheriff was? The ones like Sheriff “Cancel Christmas” of Nottingham, appointed by the King to collect taxes and be the Arm of the King.

      The Sovereign Citizens are longing for the days when they were sovereign Subjects of their King.

      We have a couple around here drive old beater cars with no license plates and about 5000 words scrawled on signs on the trunk proclaiming why they don’t have to have license plates.

  • Manhattan123

    If only Judge Roy Moore was presiding over his case.

  • Fancy Meau-Faux

    He needs to become Illuminated like John Dillinger was, that way he could just walk through the walls of his prison cell. Everyone writes off the Illuminati as whack-a-loon stuff, but it did help Dillinger escape twice.

    • little miss high and mighty

      yeah, that’s just ’cause they cheated. They are crooks, afterall. Dillinger cheated.

  • Me not sure

    It’s ironic that people who don’t believe that they need a license plate often end up where they make them.

  • Why hasn’t Trump offered this man a judgeship?

    • mardam422

      He’s got more courtroom experience than the last guy.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Wow. A pedophile AND a white supremacist. Could this guy be any more likable?

    • mailman27

      Well, you kinda hate to bring up the crap sandwiches…

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Lock him up!!

      • Ross Garner

        So it’s not just in Australia that Subway is tasteless shite.

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      A real “suthern citizen.”

  • Jgb979

    So you know it’s coming

    SOVERIGN CITIZEN TRUMP

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Louis XVI imagined himself a “sovereign citizen” too.

      Just sayin’.

    • theCryptofishist

      So, will the flag he wraps himself in have fringe?

  • Jamoche

    Never understood why Subway kept him after his 15 minutes of proto-viral video was up.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Because he was effective. Subway tried dumping him several times, but each time they did, sales went down and the franchisees would howl to get him back. IOW, it was a lot more than 15 minutes. We’d probably still be seeing him if it weren’t for the kiddie porn thing.

      • ContextIsKey

        In Alabama he’s still very popular. Or so I’ve heard.

        • Heyzeus Ahchay

          At 6’2,” he’s very big in Japan.

      • Jamoche

        Wow. I’m pretty sure they could’ve got the same bounce by bringing the quality back up to the levels it had when Subway was new, before the days of “no extra olives” and carefully counted cheese slices.

    • R Kelly nor Roman Pulanski returned their calls. Whay else was a sandwhich chain to do?

  • mardam422

    Maybe Roy Moore can run as a sovereign citizen if the Republicans grow a pair and throw him off the ballot? Sounds legit.

    • John Thorstensen

      They can’t throw him off the ballot at this point — state law doesn’t allow it.

      This raises hopes of a split R ballot between Moore and a write-in challenger; I don’t think the R’s will be able to pull a Murkowski* in this case because Moore’s base is just that, uh, dumb.

      *I’m referring to Lisa Murkowski’s last Alaska Senate race, in which she defeated a lunatic tea-partier who had primaried her. This calls for a determined and informed electorate.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Luther Strange has indicated he’s not interested. He’s going to watch Moore and Bannon hoist on their own peetard.

      • Cat Cafe

        They’d have to be able to write first

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Or… how about if Jared Fogel runs as a sovereign citizen?

      He could win! Hear me out:

      He gets the Jared vote. Half of the voters will think he is Jared Kushner, which, OK, he is a godless Israelite but his is a Trumpisraelite, so it’s OK.

      Half of the voters are too busy cooking meth to vote.

      The third half will vote for anybody, as long as he promises to rape children.

  • pgjack

    He must have been a Democrat when he committed those crimes. An appeal based on Party affiliation should succeed. Ask Rush when he’s in the Dominican Republic.

  • bubbuhh

    Judge Jared cummin to a Alabama near you!!!

  • OneYieldRegular

    The judge should have sent him to sovereign prison.

    • George

      Ooh! Can we have a sovereign prison? Maybe a remote island in the middle of a big lake somewhere. No guards. Every moron for himself. Also no supply boats. If the government has no proper jurisdiction over your body it has no obligation to keep said body fed. IMHO.

    • Delu

      The type like those in dictatorships where political prisoners get sent to.

      • quantum mechanic

        I believe you mean Guantanamo.

  • Juan de Fuca

    *shameless plug warning for people I don’t know*

    This is reason #136 why I’m glad we have a Rock ‘N’ Jenny’s in the Escondido and Temecula area. So if you happen to be driving down to the San Diego area and are thinking, “man, I could go for an Italian sub right now”, get off the 15 and find this place.

    And forget Subway’s “meatball sub” – Rock and his daughter Jenny have a legit Italian sausage marinara sub that warms this former Jersey boy’s tummy.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You’re tempting me to make a 3,000+ mile detour.

      • Juan de Fuca

        It is so worth it. This father and daughter team has it down. They don’t sell the Tastykakes we like in Cali, like Jersey Mikes out here does, but the sandwiches are delicious.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      I once read a write up that said to avoid the spicy meats at fast food places because they use the age honored tradition of using the spice to cover of the taste from it starting go bad so it will last a few extra days. I don’t know how true it is, but yummm!

    • There is no Italian Sub. There is an Italian Hoagie and it is to die for.

      • Who is Alfredo Sauce, and why do you Americans keep asking about him?

  • phoenix00

    I guess Subway’s been pumping a wee bit extra of that yoga mat rubber preservative substance into their white breads.

  • Viktor

    Jared is probably sporting some Nazi ink now because he was tired of wearing a prison made skirt and getting a foot long every night.

  • Alan

    I dunno, R-Indiana is looking pretty crazy these days too.

    • redblack

      these days?!

      it’s always been a haven for bat shit stupid, and it’s a mere example of why america is rapidly becoming a singularity of malicious derp.

      • Alan

        Ayup, it’s where Kentucky got lost on the way to Chicago.

        • little miss high and mighty

          orgional?
          sounds like it’s a song . Is it avaiable?
          We wants it bad .

        • redblack

          or, as we used to say:

          indiana is where ambition goes to die.

  • William

    Jared started and ended his career by trying to get into smaller pants.

    • redblack

      good one!

      that’s gonna purple up on ya’, jared.

  • William

    I don’t think there is anything Jared could do to sink any lower. Jared: “hold my beer” https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/bd125984f0c68b353d057ba3b128abfe0b11f534d5d6157efeceb910f07206c0.jpg

    • little miss high and mighty

      ahh,, sharesies.

  • NorthernSaber

    Nice rim-shot there at the coda, Dok! We should start speculating (responsibly, of course) as to how long into the future we’ll be able to hound these hypocrites over this…

  • Maybe

    Why wait till 2030?

  • Delu

    If he’s now a sovereign citizen and is not subject to laws….

    …then his rights should not be protected under said laws he has rejected.

    Meaning in all due cause, it’s TOTALLY fine to treat him like how prisoners, especially POLITICAL prisoners, are treated in dictatorships (killed out of hand or imprisoned for life, or maybe a concentration camp?).

    Because none of these idjits seem to realize that their very rights are protected and safeguarded under the very same laws of the country they claim to reject when they “come out’ as Sovereign Citizens.

    Which would amount to the same as them having no fucking rights at all, because if your rights are not protected, then they might as well not exist.

    This should be the practice for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these so called Sovereign Citizens. Want to reject the law? Fine, you be responsible for protecting your OWN rights. Meanwhile, the country can simply suppress you with sheer force or something because hey, you technically have no rights and aren’t covered by the protections of the law since you’re already rejected said law.

    • theCryptofishist

      He has time on his hands, he could read Gulag: A History

      • Odd Jørgensen

        Or write a sequel. In crayons.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Fortunately for him, since the whole SovCit thing is bullshit and not recognized by any real Court, none of the logical inconsistencies of his argument will actually afflict him.

      At least until Trump packs the Judicial Branch full of idiots.

      Think twice, Jared.

      Guys like Trump and Duterte are not your friends.

      • Delu

        He’s luck, if they DID recognize his Sovereign Citizen shit to the full, they would consider his rights no longer protected by law.

        That’s never a good thing for anyone.

    • JCfromNC

      Toss ’em all on a man-made island somewhere with their guns and a single box of ammo for each weapon, and see how long they last.

      ETA: Oh, very well — give ’em a packet of seeds to grow some food as well.

      • Stulexington

        Why man made? there’s plenty of natural islands in the middle of fucking nowhere we can drop them on.

        • JCfromNC

          Mostly because man-made would mean very little in the way of native vegetation and fauna, but maybe I was being a little too cruel that way.

    • Maybe

      Sovereign Citizens do not reject their rights–just their responsibilities.

  • redblack

    well, fuck.

    as a native hoosier, i applaud judge tanya. also, too, vonnegut and letterman. and mellencamp.

    vogle, however, can eat a bag of gluten-free rat dicks.

    i’ll even pony up for the costco™ size, so he can share them with dan quayle and mike motherfucking pence.

    and that asshole, dan burton.

    god damn, i’m glad i left indianoplace in my tail lights.

    rant: off.

    • Vacuous Virgina

      What fucking expletives are you talking about? 🤣🤣🤣

    • Longstreet63

      An ex Hoosier once remarked to me how often one runs into people who left Indiana.
      I stayed, myself, hoping everyone else would leave.

    • mardam422

      Indiana shocks me. Lord I can’t go back there!

    • little miss high and mighty

      Indy-on the plus side there is that streetcar deli that serves the real stuff
      Not far from the stadium.

      • redblack

        are you talking about shapiro’s deli?

        • little miss high and mighty

          We wil try to find the receipt in cas we happen upon Indy again.
          It was a converted streetcar or something real close.
          Fabulous servings for a hipster enterprise.

    • rosenbomb

      One of my friends in my grad program is from Indiana, and yesterday he remarked that Indiana seems more red than Idaho. I didn’t know that was possible (I’m sure it depends where you are in both states, also too)

      • Maybe

        Even California has its Red, rural districts.

        Though that could change in 2018. The Repub tax bills are not nice to California.

        • rosenbomb

          I grew up in Orange County…I know all about republican California. Though not as much the rural aspect, besides a bad decision to live in the Antelope Valley for a while.

          • Maybe

            Some of my best friends are WingNuts. I’ve known them for many years and their actions are fine, but some of their beliefs are bat-shit crazy. I suspect they voted for Trump. Oddly, though, at our last lunch they were griping about Trump’s fake infrastructure plan and didn’t mention Obamacare once.

            Fortunately California Repubs mostly manage to infest the House. Our state government and Senators are nicely blue.

            Though we do have a nasty habit of electing Repub celebrities as Governor. What’s that about?

      • redblack

        oh, it be possible.

        i went to high school with real, live klansmen. they were unabashed in their racism – and their disdain for my punk rock attire and attitude. i was threatened with bodily harm on a weekly basis

        of course, the shitkicking cowards never laid a dirty fingernail on me; or the first guy who outed himself as a gay kid; or the first black student in the district, despite all of their bloviation and ministration.

        yeah, outside of indy, bloomington, and chicagoland, indiana is as red as an irritated carbuncle.

  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    I’m hoping Alabama is no longer part of the U.S. when 2030 rolls around.

    • Unclejeems

      I’m not sure Alabama is part of the US . . . NOW.

      • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

        It’s part of Dumbfuckistan.

    • Maybe

      Or that it has turned Blue.

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    I never eat that stuff anyway.

  • The Librarian

    Do they serve Subway in prison? It’s all that idiot should get at every meal, plain turkey on bread with one thin tomato, hold all condiments. For 15 years.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Why not, Subway can charge the prisoners for food and charge the private prison for providing the food the prisoners paid for. And the private prison then passes the cost plus on to the government. Its a win-win for the companies and who gives a F about prisoners or tax payers.

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    Senate, bah! Look at the trend from Nixon to Reagan to Shrub to Pendejo. About every 16 years we get the worst Republican ever usurping the Whitehouse. So extrapolating out for 2032, we may have found the first Republican lined up to squirm out from under a rock and run.

    • mardam422

      Kang and/or Kodos?

      • Katamount

        I’ll believe I’ll vote for a third party candidate!

        • Maybe

          Mathematically that helps the party you like the least.

          If there are two viable candidates and you have any preference at all, then not voting for your preferred candidate takes a vote away from them and helps the other guy.

          • Katamount

            I was going along with the Simpsons reference.

          • Maybe

            Sorry, I missed it.

            Having googled it I can only say that I would prefer kodos and kang to Trump and Pence.

        • mardam422

          Go ahead!! Waste your vote!!! It’s a two-party system!!!

          • Katamount

            *pan to Ross Perot punching hat*

    • Tony Prost

      when is the last time the Republicans elected a smart president?

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        Nixon was smart. He was an asshole, but he was a smart asshole.

        • Tony Prost

          if he was so damn smart, how come he was the only president to get kicked out?

          • Maybe

            Because he was also crooked. And though he was too smart to get caught.

      • Maybe

        Senior Bush?

    • Maybe

      The White House is turning into the White Bunker.

  • Trollhunter

    Papa John’s needs a new spokesperson. I’m just sayin’.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      New Slogan: A Sovereign Pie does not have to taste like pizza

      • Tony Prost

        and you can’t make it!

  • Obligatory.

    Jared Fogle pleads guilty, blames diet for his sex crimes
    http://nypost.com/2015/11/19/subways-jared-pleads-guilty-to-kiddie-porn-and-sex-crime-charges/

  • notanncoulter

    fringe on flag!
    fringe on flag!

    • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

      Admiralty Court!

  • MynameisBlarney

    I didn’t think there was any group dumber or more willfully ignorant than libertarians.
    Seems I was mistook.

    • Maybe

      I’d say that Sovereign Citizens are a subset of Libertarians.

      • MynameisBlarney

        I can’t argue with that honestly.

        • notanncoulter

          inbreeding shows.

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    Has this defense ever worked? I don’t see the point of using it.

    • Flatulus

      Just wait until more of T-Rumps judicial appointments get confirmed!

  • Andrew Rheinheimer

    There was a really good article from either NYT or WaPo about Paper Terrorism; it’s an explainer on how Sovereign Citizens gum up the legal system with paperwork in an attempt to remain free.

  • NotALiar

    Has “this one weird trick” ever worked for them before?

    • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

      Nope. Years ago I covered one of these nutcases who confidently claimed that he did not owe income taxes because sovereign, fringe on the flag admiralty court, yadda yadda. He went to federal prison.

  • Maybe

    If being a Sovereign Citizen makes pedophilia and sexual assault legal then I guess Roy Moore better join up.

  • Flatulus

    Let’s just hope Jared is sharing a cell with someone with similar appetites. Maybe he better start saving those mayonnaise packets.

  • Talis

    I heard that Jared in his ramblings to the court mentioned that he wanted to get out to align himself with fellow pedophile mullah roy of Alabama.

  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    No! Would you fucking read the filing before opening your shitter?! His jail-house “lawyer” did not use the words “sovereign citizen,” in the filing for appeal he called the Court “sovereign,” the fucking right wing dumbfuck Republican judge thought that the lawyer’s use of the word “sovereign” was being applied to the pedophile when if you actually read the fucking thing, you fucking idiot (no offense) the jail-house “lawyer” was referring to the fucking court, to the fucking Judge as a sovereign entity.

    The Underground Bunker has the actual document. Go Read The Fucking Thing Here after you learn how to fucking read.

    Thanks.

  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    Here, since you’re too fucking stupid to actually read the filing, I have the single sentence where the word “sovereign” was used:

    The Supreme Court offers more guidance on the issue of the sovereign party’s ability to exercise authority: “But whether a judicial judgment is lawful depends on whether the sovereign has authority to render it.” (180 LED 2D 765, 564 873 McUbtrye Ltd. v. NICASTRO)

    That’s it, the pedo did not claim to be a sovereign citizen, the Judge got it wrong and here Wonkette is spreading the fake news like a common fucking Republican.

  • Iam Reading

    Send all sovereign citizens to Gitmo

  • Mormos

    a candidate for Trump’s pardon?

  • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

    So, Jared has turned his tale of woe into a tale of woo?

  • Maybe

    If he’s a Sovereign Citizen then presumably he’s not a U.S. citizen.

    Can we extreme vet him and deport him somewhere nasty?

  • And if Jared becomes a victim of sexual assault how would he feel about his perpetrator claiming “sovereign citizenship” so he can’t get protection from his attacker or penalty for the attack? These idiots never think about their bullshit coming back to bite them in the arse.

    • Mark Breitinger

      “If” he becomes a victim of sexual assault? Oh honey, he’s already there. Maybe he believes that if he declares his ass sovereign, he can charge the other guys more to park there.

      • Susie Lochary

        He’s still eating a “foot-long” a day…..he’s just not paying $5 for the deal.

  • King Beauregard
  • King Beauregard

    Hey groovy cats, in case anyone’s interested, I’ve been successfully losing weight recently, and frighteningly easily. Been doing this for two weeks, and so far so good.

    Basically I’m doing what they’re doing on “My 600 Pound Life”, where they make a person go on a seriously reduced-calorie diet for a month. On the show sometimes they go down to 1000 calories a day, which is pretty extreme. I’ve been doing 1500 calories. The trick is how to go down that low without feeling starved or exhausted, and the solution is: high protein, low fat, low carb. (Salad too, as you see fit.) You’ll still maybe want to eat, but it won’t be hunger pangs, so much as a taste for burgers when you see that accursed Red Robin commercial.

    I think of my meals in 250 calorie chunks, six of them a day. 250 calories translates to any of the following:

    – 1/3 lb lean chicken, turkey, or pork (~30g protein)

    – 2 single-serving tubs of yogurt (26g protein)

    – 1 cup cooked lentils (20g protein)

    – 3/4 cup dry textured vegetable protein (36g protein)

    – 1/2 cup dry wheat gluten (46g protein)

    I get more satiety out of meat than lentils, so to a large extent, my diet is meat, yogurt, and salads. When I start feeling peckish, a zero-calorie beverage often takes care of it.

    At a certain point, I’ll switch back to a non-diet eating mode, but I’ll continue to do the arithmetic. Doing the math is a good habit.

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