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WHEE, IT IS JEFF SESSIONS LIVEBLOG DAY! Sessions is testifying for the House Judiciary Committee … NOW!

Wonkette long ago lost track of Sessions’s various lies about his involvement in the Trump-Russia conspiracy, and we imagine he will tell us many more bullshits about it today.

But this is also an interesting time to watch ‘n’ liveblog, because news came out Monday night that Sessions is directing the Justice Department to see if MAYBE they should appoint a special prosecutor to look at Hillary Clinton’s Russian Uranium Benghazi emails, like Donald Trump instructed him to do right before he left for Asia. (Yes, if this happens, Trump will have successfully weaponized the Justice Department to go after his political adversary, as a way to obstruct justice in the investigation into him. Yes, this would be VERY BAD.)

It’s also an interesting day because rumor has it certain Alabammy folks are concoctin’ a scheme whar’-by if the state votes for the accused child molester Roy Moore, the Senate could refuse to seat him, and then Alabama Governor Kay Ivey could appoint Jeff Sessions to his old Senate seat, which would clear the way for Trump to pick the biggest sycophant lawyer in his cabinet (presumably somebody already Senate-confirmed) to be his new attorney general, at which point BING BONG! that person could obstruct justice for Trump by firing Robert Mueller! So!

Shall we liveblog? WE SHALL.

10:21: You are not missing anything yet, do not worry. This is just the part where they give opening statements and ask Jeff Sessions what he is wearing and he says, “Valentino and L.L. Bean, thank you for asking!” It is a boring part.

10:29: Sessions is as beautiful today as he always is:

He is doing his blah-blah opening statement now, speaking at his usual rate of seven words per minute.

10:34: Jeff Sessions does not want to answer questions about Russia today, because he is recused from that investigation, therefore it would be IMPROPER for him to talk about Russia.

Also, Sessions says his testimony has never changed and he doesn’t know that George Padadopoulos fella or that Carter Page scamp, which means any allegations that he knew about their Russian activities is SHUT UP.

10:37: Oof, the redneck leprechaun is already pissy:

Sessions also just referred to the Sutherland Springs mass shooting as the “Texas terrific horrible shooting.”

10:40: Bob Goodlatte (R), chair of the committee, would like to know if Sessions will please do special prosecutor for HILLARY COMEY URANIUM BENGHAZI WHITEWATER. Sessions says maybe, but promises he won’t be influenced by politics. We assume by “poltiics,” he is not including the fever ranting Sean Hannity flings into the president’s gaping maw-hole each and every night, because that’s just REALITY.

10:43: Ranking member John Conyers (D) now reading all Trump’s hate tweets about Jeff Sessions, just to see if he can make Sessions cry butterscotch tears out of his beady moron eyes. Should the president be telling the Justice Department to retaliate against his political opponents?

SESSIONS: Is that a question? (He did not understand the question, because it had more than four words in it.)

Sessions says “Department of Justice NEVER” should be used that way, and “IT WOULD BE WRONG.”

CONYERS: Should Trump be constantly flapping his yap about ongoing Justice Department matters?

SESSIONS: Well I reckon he shouldn’t, I guess!

CONYERS: What the fuck is up with that Justice Department letter about investigating Hillary? Are you fucking kidding? Also too, will you recuse yourself from things about Hillary Clinton, like you said you would? ANSWER YES OR NO.

SESSIONS: “I cannot answer that yes or no, because reasons!”

10:54: We skipped whatever Republican questioning that just happened, as it was boring. Now Democrat Jerrold Nadler is talking REALLY FAST and is bound to make Sessions uncomfortable.

Nadler is going apeshit on Sessions’s earlier denials that he ever heard about Trump campaign people having playdates with Russia. Sessions now remembers, long after the fact, because it was in the newspaper, that George Papadopoulos talked in March of 2016 about getting campaign meetings with Vladimir Putin. Sessions knows he shut that shit down, not that he can recall what happened that day.

NADLER: Did you do anything to keep Trump people from getting in bed with Russians?

SESSIONS: YOU ARE TALKING TOO FAST! I REFUSE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE!

10:59: Time for another Republican to ask questions! Mr. Steve Chabot from Ohio wants to know if Sessions can investigate DNC stuff, we think? We kind of zoned for a minute. SHUT UP, IT HAPPENS TO ALL BLOGGERS.

11:01: Oh yes, Chabot is saying the Democrats were “laundering” their money through a law firm to pay for the DODGY DOSSIER. Sessions isn’t really biting on his line of questioning.

Chabot now would like have a buddy chat with Sessions about how the devil weed marijuana is still the devil.

11:05: CHABOT: We are all still gay married to the death penalty, yeah?

SESSIONS: KILL ‘EM DEAD LIKE A STRAY RACCOON!

11:06: Zoe Lofgren, Democrat of California, would like to know some things about literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn!

LOFGREN: Did you help Flynn change the GOP platform to make it more sexxxy for Russia?

SESSIONS: I don’t recall.

LOFGREN: But you were the head of the foreign policy team?

SESSIONS: We were a very bad foreign policy team! Just a buncha knuckleheads!

LOFGREN: Did you talk to Michael Flynn about your hot tub time with the Russian ambassador?

SESSIONS: I do not recall any things from my entire life.

LOFGREN: Did you talk to Michael Flynn about Carter Page and George Papadopoulos’s contacts with the Russians?

SESSIONS: Nah.

LOFGREN: Did you know Michael Flynn was a LITERAL ACTUAL FOREIGN AGENT?

SESSIONS: “I don’t believe so.”

That is a quite a thing to slip your mind, Alabama!

11:10: LOFGREN: Did you know about Michael Flynn’s little plan to take a $15,000,000 bribe to kidnap a Turkish cleric and send him back to Turkey to get murdered?

SESSIONS: Uh, no.

11:11: Sessions now talking a lot faster because xenophobic shitheel Steve King is asking him to say racisms about DACA. Funny how he suddenly recalls all the things!

11:16: Steve King just wants Jeff Sessions to know Hillary shoulda got locked up.

Now, time for Democratic Rep. Sheila Jackson-Lee, who kindly asks Sessions to please confirm whether or not he likes “Constitution.” Sessions says it is OK.

JACKSON-LEE: Do you believe Roy Moore’s accusers?

“I have no reason to doubt these young women.”

11:19: Ooh, Sheila Jackson-Lee is going after Sessions HARD on his many changing answers about his knowledge of Trump campaign people doing sexxxy collusions with Russia. Does Sessions want to change his testimony he gave to the Senate Judiciary Committee, or is he VERY CONFUSED ABOUT THE QUESTION?

SPOILER, he does not understand that question.

11:23: JACKSON-LEE: When the fuck are you going to go after these Nazi white nationalists? SESSIONS: Derno.

11:24: Ooh, committee chair Bob Goodlatte DOES NOT LIKE IT when Sheila Jackson-Lee asks questions! Weird, a GOP man who doesn’t like it when strong black women talk.

Anyway, it is time for Darrell Issa to talk, because he is somehow still in Congress (for a few more minutes, we guess).

11:30: HI, STEVE COHEN OF TENNESSEE! Hey Wonkers, did you know Steve Cohen is our personal Congressman? It is true!

He is kicking Sessions’s ass on how voter ID disenfranchises black voters, and asking whether Sessions will stop defending it. Sessions say “Nah.”

11:33: Jeff Sessions confirms that heroin is bad, mmkay. He even agrees it’s worse than marijuana, so … progress?

11:35: COHEN: You once said good people never smoke pots. Here is a list of Republicans who have weeded on pots before like Ted Cruz and Clarence Thomas. Tell me which of these people are bad!

SESSIONS: Well what had happened was!

COHEN: Alabama sports question!

SESSIONS: Alabama sports answer!

11:37: That stupid Ohio GOP congressman Jim Jordan, who looks semi-fuckable until he opens his wingnut mouth, is asking questions, and he wants to know about the DODGY DOSSIER. Here are his questions:

Did FBI buy the DODGY DOSSIER?

Did FBI give the DODGY DOSSIER to the FISA court?

Can you please tell me stuff you’re not allowed to talk about so I can impugn the integrity of the FBI?

Sessions answers all these questions by not answering them.

11:41: JORDAN: How many Hillary Clinton crimes do we have to make up to get a new special counsel, for investigatin’ the Clintons? And also James Comey?

SESSIONS: Well there would actually have to be facts. It’ll goddamn happen if there are facts to back it up. Put that fresh-killed squirrel in your pipe and smoke it.

JORDAN: I will now say more made-up conspiracy theory words to make it sound like I am not totally full of shit.

SESSIONS: I see that.

And UH OH, Sessions just said, “It looks like there’s not enough to appoint a special counsel.” He seemed pissy about it too.

11:45: THOUGHT: Jeff Sessions is a racist shitheel and a bad person and probably dirty in the Russia investigation, however he does seem to give at least two tiny shits about keeping the Justice Department independent.

11:48: Texas Republican Lamar Smith: We gonna put all the sanctuary cities IN JAIL? And also what about the Mexicans?

SESSIONS: Yew bet your Country Time Lemonade-flavored ass!

Then Sessions did hand motions, because going after the Messicans makes him jumpy:

TEN MINUTE RECESS, EVERYONE, JEFF SESSIONS GOTTA GO POO. (Allegedly.)

12:06: Oh shit, it is back! We were playing with the dog.

Some Democrat just asked whether Trump has the authority to fire Robert Mueller or members of his team and SESSIONS DOESN’T KNOW.

12:10: Jeff Sessions says a big part of respecting the rule of law is that you don’t “give legal opinions by the seat of your britches.” That is right there in the Constitution, just read it, you idiots.

12:12: GOP Rep. Ted Poe is yammering his dumb dick off about unmasking and FISA warrants and leakers and blah blah blah blah blah.

First he shits on FISA courts, then he shits on the NSA … there is a real and dangerous and scary thing going on here, where Trump’s butt-diddlers in Congress are all too happy to smear and discredit American institutions to protect their loser president.

12:16: LOL Democratic Rep. Luis Gutiérrez suggests that we could end all these endless investigations of we just make Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton resign from all their things. Trump would resign from the presidency and Hillary would resign from … ??? That would make the scandals be over, right?

12:18: Gutiérrez: Are you going to keep Trump’s campaign promise to put Hillary in jail?

Sessions: That is not my job actually.

Gutiérrez: But he promised his pig-fucking supporters, how is that even fair?

Sessions: I will be a very good boy and follow the law!

Gutiérrez: I am just screwing with you!

Gutiérrez then told Sessions he knows Sessions is probably about to do some more perjury and said he doesn’t want to see today’s answers changing in a few weeks, next time more news drops.

Luis Gutiérrez is hilarious!

12:23: To be clear, Gutiérrez literally had a Mother Jones article about all of Sessions’s lies to Congress entered into the record, and he used a salt shaker as a prop to signify how he’s going to take everything Sessions says with a grain of salt. THESE ARE SOME SALTY DEMOCRATS!

12:26: It’s cute how Jeff Sessions’s wife always sits behind him while he lies to Congress. It’s like one of their cars is always in the shop and she agrees to come to Congress with him as long as he remembers they have to go to Wally World afterward and get birdseed or whatever. Top it off with a trip to the Olive Garden and that is a very nice day for Alabama expats forced to live in Coastal Elite DC!

12:30: Democratic Rep. Karen Bass, a black lady: Tell us about the big scary black identity politics groups!

SESSIONS: Well there definitely are some!

BASS: Does the Justice Department know anything about white supremacist groups?

SESSIONS: I guess.

12:32: BASS: Is Black Lives Matter an extremist group?

SESSIONS: I would like to play the Quiet Game!

12:34: Ooh, it is time for Trey Gowdy to ask questions! Wonder if he will actually be a good prosecutor man, like he was during Carter Page’s testimony?

Well … he says he’s “not interested in re-litigating” the FBI’s decision not to prosecute Hillary. So that is good?

He is being a little bit stupid, but we’ll see how this ends up. Also, Gowdy is growing out his mane for the winter, a hair decision Wonkette cannot co-sign:

12:39: SERIOUSLY LOOK AT THIS. Gowdy is letting his hairs grown down his sideburn area and they are all scraggly and good lord, can one of his constituents please slip him a mirror next time he is in South Cackalacky?

12:45: Rep. Cedric Richmond, chair of the Congressional Black Caucus, is kicking Jeff Sessions in the ass on how many black folks are on his staff, how many black folks Trump has nominated to the bench, and so forth. Jeff Sessions does not recall if he has ever met a black person.

12:48: OOH, TIME FOR BLAKE “DUCKY PAJAMAS” FARENTHOLD! He starts his questioning by saying he is a nerd, which is just unfair. C’mon, look at him:

How beautiful you are, my love, how very beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, moving down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them is bereaved. Your lips are like a crimson thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil. Your neck is like the tower of David, built in courses; on it hang a thousand bucklers, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies. Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will hasten to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4: 1-7)

Remember that time Susan Collins got caught on tape talking about how the ugly stick grabbed Blake Farenthold by the pussy and took it furniture shopping?

Farenthold’s questioning involves shitting on FISA courts, mostly. Nerd questions!

12:54: Here is Democrat Hakeem Jeffries of New York, to fuck with Jeff Sessions A LOT.

JEFFRIES: You said “I don’t recall” one million times to the Senate Judiciary Committee.

SESSIONS: I have no idea.

JEFFRIES: You said “I don’t recall” one million times to the Senate Intelligence Committee.

SESSIONS: I don’t know.

JEFFRIES: Today, you have said “I don’t recall 20 times.”

SESSIONS: I have no idea.

JEFFRIES: One time you told Lou Dobbs that Hillary Clinton is a forgetful ding-dong who might have committed perjury when she said she didn’t remember things during Congressional testimony. Are you high on your own supply?

SESSIONS: I am not a devil weeder!

Then Jeffries goes back over all the one million times Jeff Sessions met with Russians and heard about Russian involvement with the Trump campaign, and all the million times he’s said he doesn’t recall any of these things, followed by:

SESSIONS: I DON’T RECALL I DON’T RECALL I DON’T RECALL!

JEFFRIES: I ask the questions, you provide the answers. Just a helpful reminder.

These Democrats have zero fucks left.

1:02: Jeff Sessions has his back ALL THE WAY up at your unkind suggestions that he is a common liar! Mrs. Sessions is ready to get on with her day:

1:04: GOP Congressman Ron DeSantis of Florida has a statement to make:

URANIUM URANIUM URANIUM BENGHAZI EMAILS HILLARY IS THE REAL KILLER.

Thank you, Ron DeSantis. Your input, as always, has been delicious.

1:09: Here is the Mother Jones article about all the times Sessions lied to Congress that was entered into the Congressional record earlier.

1:11: Democratic Rep. David Cicilline, giving Sessions another opportunity to clarify when and where and what outhouse he was sittin’ in when he finally remembered George Papadopoulos and his Russian connections:

SESSIONS: I coulda been sittin’ on any number of potties when I remembered that! Otherwise, I do not recall! Look at me, I’m Hillary Clinton, not recalling things!

1:14: GOP Rep. David Ratcliffe would like to make sure Jeff Sessions doesn’t let people work for his Justice Department who clear Hillary Clinton of all crimes before they even do the investigation, like James Comey did. (Comey did not do that, but in Republican alternative reality world, he did that.)

Ratcliffe also says the Obama presidency was the “worst of his lifetime.” It’s sad that he’s stupid and racist like that.

This dipshit really isn’t asking Sessions questions.

1:19: Thank god, it is Eric Swalwell, a good Democrat, because this shit was starting to get BORING. He wants to know if Sessions had it to do it all over again, would he lie to Al Franken during his confirmation hearing, or would he say the truth this time.

SESSIONS: I. Did. Not. Let. That. Russian. Ambassador. Fuck. Me. I. Am. A. Patriot!

1:22: Jeff Sessions did not tell Carter Page not to go to Russia. “Am I supposed to stop him from taking a trip?” (You know, just in case Sessions claims in two weeks he told Carter Page not to go to Russia.)

1:24: SWALWELL: The CIA director says WikiLeaks is a hostile intelligence service. Is that right?

SESSIONS: I don’t see why not.

SWALWELL: Trump is in love with WikiLeaks. Are you in love with WikiLeaks?

SESSIONS: I am not!

BREAK TIME AGAIN. They are “voting” or something, like they’re “Congress.”

2:10: The longest fucking hearing in history is back on! Rep. Matt Gaetz, who may actually be stupider than Louie Gohmert, is asking questions about whether Jeff Sessions is too good of a buddy to Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein or something. We’re sure it is a very important line of questioning.

2:13: Matt Gaetz is BEGGING Jeff Sessions to appoint a special counsel to investigate Uranium One and Fusion GPS and Loretta Lynch and the faked moon landing and chemtrails and gay frogs. What a fucking waste of space he is. Just look at him:

Yeesh.

2:21: Oh MAYBE Jeff Sessions discussed Ukraine with the Russian ambassador, but that has nothing to do with the campaign, right? Has Jeff Sessions said too much?

Jeff Sessions would also like to remind everyone that he is SORELY OFFENDED when you suggest he is anything other than a perfect angel.

2:23: GOP Rep. Mike Johnson would like an update on whether PLANNED PARENTHOOD BABY PARTS investigations are happening, and if not, why not.

Jeff Sessions responded by talking with his hands again:

2:26: Jeff Sessions will not commit to not prosecuting investigative journalists for protecting their sources. Just FYI.

Also it is too many people on the House Judiciary Committee. They could cut like half of these people and we’d be good.

2:32: GOP Rep. Andy Biggs would like to know what Rod Rosenstein’s job is.

SESSIONS: Deputy Attorney General.

BIGGS: And what about Andrew McCabe?

SESSIONS: He is the number two guy at the FBI?

BIGGS: How is it fair that they got to do stuff when they are not even Trump-sucking Republicans like we are?

Maybe Jeff Sessions should appoint a special counsel to read Rod Rosenstein and Andrew McCabe’s sexts or something.

BIGGS: The dodgy dossier! Did the FBI pay for it?

SESSIONS: I have said one thousand times I cannot comment on ongoing investigations like this, and also I am recused? Moreover, I do not read the newspaper, I only do the jumble, and I always get it wrong.

Seriously, this all could have been condensed down to five minutes of Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz pulling down their pants and throwing their poo at the ceiling, and then five minutes of the Democrats showing everyone on the doll where Jeff Sessions perjured himself.

2:38: BIGGS: “Many” people are questioning Rod Rosenstein’s impartiality, by which I mean “Sean Hannity” is questioning it.

2:40: Democratic Rep. Pramila Jayapal has ZERO time for Jeff Sessions and his “I don’t recall,” noting that Sessions is a seasoned prosecutor with a long career in the Senate. Her question is, “Would you put up with Jeff Sessions’s bullshit if you were not currently Jeff Sessions?”

She would also like to know whether Sessions agrees with Trump that John Brennan and James Clapper and James Comey are “political hacks.” Sessions says Trump speaks his mind and will not confirm or deny whether he agrees with Trump.

Also she called Ben Sasse “Senator Sassy.”

2:43: JAYAPAL: Jeff Sessions, did you know nasty probable virgin Stephen Miller wrote the first draft of the Comey firing letter?

SESSIONS: I cannot answer that question.

JAYAPAL: Wait, are you claiming executive privilege on some shit involving you talking to Trump’s little xenophobic shitstain?

SESSIONS: No.

And then Bob Goodlatte cut it off, and Democratic Rep. David Cicilline lost his SHIT about “WAIT, HE’S ALLOWED TO JUST NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS?” Goodlatte was like, “I am a big Trump whore. BIIIIIIIG Trump whore. So yeah sure why not?”

So that happened, and then the talking stick was handed to Karen Handel, Georgia’s enduring embarrassment.

2:52: Democratic Rep. Brad Schneider: Y’all doing anything yet to protect our elections? Because you weren’t a few weeks ago when you talked to the Senate.

SESSIONS: I have not done dick squat about this. I promise I will this time, though! Of course, I could be lyin’ right now, hee haw hee haw hee haw.

2:55: Time for Doktor Zoom’s favorite Republican congressman, Raul Labrador! He wants Jeff Sessions to promise he’ll do everything he can to fuck the gays for “religious liberty” purposes.

Sessions replies that he’s “cared about” fucking the gays “for a long time,” and says religious people should be able to “exercise” their religion any way they want, including fucking gays in the ass for Jesus.

3:01: GOP Rep. Martha Roby, who is perhaps our LEAST FAVORITE Alabama idiot congressperson ever. She starts with, “Attorney General Sessions, it is just so great to have you here today!” For real.

Roby’s questions to Sessions on Russia can be summed up as, “Have you ever done a big old sin, Jeff Sessions?” “No, I reckon I’ve never done a big old sin, Martha Roby!” “Good enough for me, Jefferson Buttersquash! Is it OK if I call you Buttersquash?” “I reckon that’s a fine nickname, Martha Roby!”

Do remember that this is the congresswoman who got SO MAD at Hillary Clinton during the one-million hour Benghazi hearing, for laughing when she asked if Hillary was HOME ALONE the WHOLE NIGHT?

3:07: Louie Gohmert, the stupidest dipshit in the history of Congress, is IN THE HOUSE:

Gohmert’s first statement is that “HAW HAW, why did that Demon-crat submit a Mother Jones article into the record? Mother Jones is FAKE NEWS!”

God, he is every stupid racist white uncle who ever lived.

More:

GOHMERT: If you had known Rod Rosenstein did uraniums with Hillary Clinton, would you have recused yourself?

SESSIONS: That has literally nothing to do with …

GOHMERT: If you had known Robert Mueller did uraniums with Hillary Clinton, would you have recused yourself?

SESSIONS: Actually, from what I know, none of this is relevant to …

GOHMERT: THIS STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN!

SESSIONS: …

GOHMERT: I HAVE A CHART!

He does have a chart:

See? That right there is Louie Gohmert’s chart. In the middle is Obama, and also there is Uranium One and Russia and a bunch of Obama adminstration names, and the lines between all of them were drawn by extracting Trump’s jizz from Sean Hannity’s mouth (ALLEGEDLY), adding food coloring to it, then putting it inside a magic marker, for chart-drawing purposes. IT IS JUST SO OBVIOUS.

3:17: MSNBC literally just cut away from the hearing because it “suddenly got weirdly boring.” JUST NOW, MSNBC? REALLY?

We have been saying that since 10 AM.

3:18: “I reject accusations that I have ever lied! And that is a LIE!” That is a quote Jeff Sessions said in this hearing when his little nuts were in a twist, because of how mad he gets when people say he’s a liar.

3:28: Hey you guys, SHIT IS OVER. Don’t worry, if you were relying on the liveblog for the exciting details of the last few minutes, there were none. And now Jeff Sessions and Mrs. Sessions are off to run their errands. First stop? Big Lots. Next stop? Cracker Barrel. And after that? They are going to park at the top of a mountain and engage in the traditional American heterosexual act of “necking,” because they are horny teenagers like that.

Haha, now you are imagining what Jeff Sessions looks like when he is horny, which means WONKETTE’S JOB IS DONE.

Horny Jeff Sessions.

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  • armed_bears

    How is it a thing that this miserable liar is in no way the most offensive member of this administration?

    heh heh…. I said ‘member’.

  • memzilla Ω

    John Conyers calling Jeff “Named After Two Traitors” Sessions a lying liar is a thing of beauty.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Is Conyers going to use all of his time berating Jeffy? It is indeed a thing of beauty, setting up just how they are going to beat him, which weapons have been chosen and reminding him of the past perjury.
      — And the answer is yes, because he released the rest of his time…

  • ManchuCandidate

    Future Federal Prisoner #36674492 speaks.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    OT: Upper management just informed my boss that she is a micromanager and her staff hates her and she is the primary cause of the high turnover and low moral.

    However, the pointless meetings will continue until moral improves.

  • weejee
    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Is this Undertale?

  • Indiepalin

    Republicans have come up with a tentative plan on the Alabama senate race. It involves a write-in campaign for Bull Connor.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Zombie Bull Connor? He died in 1973.

  • Meanwhile, on the other side…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDg1SdT_OJM

    • DrBigHead

      I am a bit surprised the media is not making a bigger deal out of this and what it says about the senate’s opinion of the president’s competence. I am flabbergasted that it has come to this.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        I am not surprised and surprised that 1) it took this long and 2) that this hearing is public.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      In my retirement, I have lost the skill of being able to follow two calls at once. Besides, I really, really want to see Al Franken spank Jeffy.

      • sarafina

        Yes X 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Will the Senate do this so Al gets his chance?

    • jesterpunk

      If the senate was really concerned they could impeach Trump. This is political theater and its almost admitting they dont think he is responsible enough to do the job.

      • The Wanderer

        They’ve privately admitted it for months now; those whispers are becoming increasingly audible.

        • Covfefe

          This is just an attempt to gin up support at Media Matters and the press in general, hoping they’ll do the same thing to President Don that they did to Saintly Sean, over his attempts to give Roy the opportunity to tell the other side of the story.

        • jesterpunk

          What is the old saying “put up or shut up”. We know he isnt qualified but until they actually do something to remove him from office they are playing games.

      • DrBigHead

        It is ABSOLUTELY admitting they believe he cannot do the job. To me, that is what is remarkable

        • jesterpunk

          Then they should do something about it, they can impeach or use the 25th amendment. Anything else is just playing games and wasting time and money.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            What do you think this is? Canada? Tax money is never wasted on relitigating Whitewaterghazipizzagate! It’s only wasted if it goes for socialist fraud like education, infrastructure and healthcare.

          • jesterpunk

            Canada isnt real, wing nuts dissolved it with magic words. Those Canadians are going to be pissed when they find out though.

      • everstar

        Impeachment charges have to be approved by a majority of the House first.

        • jesterpunk

          Yeah true, the house needs to do something. This is all a huge waste of tax payer money to hold hearings on if the president is qualified while not actually doing anything about it.

          • sarafina

            As long as Lyin’ Ryan thinks he (Ryan) can benefit, Trump is safe.

  • cheetojeebus

    And the first lie. Saying yes to the swearing in.

  • calliecallie

    They’re swearing him in. I’m just in time!

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      I’m swearing him in as well, “Get that sonuvabitch!”

  • OrG

    Hey Robert Mueller,
    Please hurry.
    Love,
    OrG

  • Blanche Beecham

    Well he made it through the swearing in without bursting into flames and being sucked into the flames of Hades.

    • The Wanderer

      Well, no God in evidence, so . . .

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        God is watching with the Heavenly Popcorn. He’s saying, “this is going to be good!”

    • Darlene Underdahl

      There’s always a delay in these things.

    • sarafina

      Proof God does not exist.

  • calliecallie

    He’s already lying.

    • laughingnome

      If his ears are wigglin he’s lyin

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      So he is starting out with his favorite debate skill.

  • cheetojeebus

    I’m going to need some strength to tolerate this fucksticks fucking voice.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      In East Point, Georgia, I had a math teacher in 10th grade that sounded just like Jeffy. She wore an unfortunate brand of lipstick in an awful coral color. The lipstick would trap a spit bubble that would travel from upper lip to lower lip to upper lip as she spoke. I imagine her when I hear Jeffy’s voice. It makes me giggle sometimes.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I assume there’s no drinking game for this due to the liability costs?

    • laughingnome

      You’re not trying to watch sober are you?

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        I am still riding the bottle of wine that I drank last night.

        • OutOfOrbit

          you’re “riding” it? go on

    • The Wanderer

      The streets would be awash in broken livers.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Ew. Galoshes.

    • everstar

      I drink every time I feel frustrated with the line of questioning. I don’t drink booze, so my liver’s fine, but afterwards I need someone to come shovel me out from under the Coke cans.

  • memzilla Ω

    Anyone who believes the crime stats coming out of this bigotty bigot’s mouth-hole, I’ve got some mortgage-backed securities to sell you.

    • everstar

      Sure! Housing prices never go down!

  • TJ Barke

    Mr. Sessions, why are you literally betraying the nation for your political party?

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      You hesh up now, ya hear? Genital Beauregard never none betrayed the Covfeferate States of America!

  • PersianOregano

    Let me remind y’ahl Why you hate me and this administration

  • laughingnome

    Session is close to his mother too? Behind his right shoulder looking at once stern and approving.

    • calliecallie

      Is that his mother or his wife? And I think I have that same jacket. Damn.

  • Juan de Fuca

    The worst mass shooting in American history happened during this administration followed by the deadliest church shooting and we’re doing nothing about it despite great public interest to the matter…

    • sarafina

      I think if Sandy Hook didn’t cause some action, nothing will until numerous Congressional kids and grandkids are gunned down at a WalMart in Alabama some Saturday. This is an opinion, not a wish.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        Nope. What will happen is that Republicans rush through a bill to require open carry in Congress. And you thought the Westminster countries got rowdy in Parliament!

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          True story – Open Carry is allowed on public college campuses in Georgia, but not at the Legislature.

          • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

            …not yet, anyway.

          • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

            The legislators would be scared of each other and their constituents.

  • ariel_gee_398

    We need a new adjective to describe the heights of smug and dumb reached by Jeff and Donnie’s other hangers on.

    • TJ Barke

      Trumpian.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Uber Trumpian.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • The Wanderer

      OWWW.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      I have to excuse myself to laugh uproariously! BRB

    • Tiffany de Houston

      And Robyn A wins the internet today!

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Yes. Yes she does.

      • Darlene Underdahl

        Can’t be beat.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Heyo! Excuse me, I need to run fetch a fire extinguisher and a bucket of aloe.

    • Darlene Underdahl

      Ohhh!

    • Covfefe

      Since you brought it up, Dave Wiehal says the 32-year-old Roy started prowling the mall at the start of his legal career in Alabama. This observation raises the question of why a West Point graduate leaves his career in the army at the age of 32, instead of staying in for 30 years, like almost all other West Point graduates. Why do we suppose he left the army so early?

      • puredog

        Warn’t enuff wimmenz there, much less the fillies.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Retweeted and Shared after I stopped laughing.

  • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

    “I have always told the truth” – whatta liar! And this is under oath too.

    • TJ Barke

      We know as an empirical fact that that’s not true…

    • YoBunnyBunny

      He didn’t even hedge that with a “as far as I know”.

      He isn’t even trying anymore…

  • everstar

    Aaaand cue the pearl-clutching with regard to George Papadapoulos and Carter Page. “Ah did NOT lah to this committah and I have NEVAH been so in-SULTED in all mah lahf!”

    • everstar

      Okay, I do believe that the Trump campaign was chaos like no one has ever seen before. That’s probably true.

      “And ah was still a full-time Senatah!” That was your decision, Sparky.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Frankly, Jeff, we don’t give a damn.

  • Proud Liberal

    “Professionalism” and “discipline” is non-existent in the Trump administration.

  • shastakoala

    Do you have a bad memory? I don’t remember.

    • The Wanderer

      The John Mitchell Defense. “I cannot recall….”

      • Proud Liberal

        To the best of my recollection…

  • Juan de Fuca

    I’m not the liar, you’re the liar! Drink.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    There is nothing honorable about that man.

    • The Wanderer

      “So are they all, all honorable men.”

  • Resistor Radio

    Anyone else think Jeffy looks like he’s aged a bit since his last testimony?

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Just a little greyer.

  • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

    In 2016, the Trump campaign was a “brilliant” campaign. And then mention of chaos and lack of remembering. And then “I have never lied” again.
    What an asshole.

  • Resistor Radio

    Dude. Seriously? Violent crime. Uhhh.

    • everstar

      Straight to the heart of the periphery, as they say on my favorite British podcast about movies.

  • laughingnome

    He’s doing that Southern man indignant act again.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Update on rich asshole not paying his mechanics.
    He paid, after we used what my dad calls “German Diplomacy” (not sure what to think about that term, actually) anyway, we told him that we were recommended for a reason, and that we’re not the cheapest marine diesel repair shop, because we’re the fucking best in upper keys.
    Still pissed though.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Refuse him next time, if he has the nerve to come back.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Nah, he paid.
        Even though he was a pain.
        Gotta train these rich customers right.

        • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

          Then have him pay in advance. Or a large deposit at least.

          • MynameisBlarney

            We usually do that, but that’s when we already know what it needs and how much the parts are gonna cost and approximately how much labor.
            Parts prepaid in full on order, 50% deposit on estimated labor, etc.
            When it’s a troubleshooting scenario, ya can’t really hit them up for money first.

  • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

    Hasn’t Goodlatte already talked about the DOJ and violent crime? Yawn.

  • Sophie McMillan

    None of you have ever been in a Trump campaign. Sickly grin. God I want to punch this fuckers face( with votes)

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Sessions (R-Keebler Tree) will never, ever tell the truth about the Mango Menace, his relationship with Russia, or his “recusal” from investigating the campaign.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Yeah, I don’t understand why this idiot would take a bullet for Ole Dumb Donald.

      • miss_grundy

        He is too stupid to understand that if Dotard believes he is in danger he will throw him under the bus, in the path of a train and use him as a shield against an attacker. That Alabammy Keebler Elf is dang stupid.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        The Russians have compromised him as well.

        • Darlene Underdahl

          Little wiener was wandering?

        • GreyWolfSC

          All Of Them, Katya…

    • Lisa

      Keebler Tree 💜💜💜

  • Resistor Radio

    Here we go – EMAILS!

  • calliecallie

    I have to go back to work. This asshole is not compelling enough to keep me away from updating this spreadsheet.

  • sarafina

    DAMMIT!!!! Franken is in the Senate, will they do this too so Al can destroy the weasel on CSPAN????

    • everstar

      Makes me wish they could have him over so he could sit in and play a few bars.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      I believe that this is a joint session.

  • Proud Liberal

    Jeff. Just stop your self-righteous indignation. We know you ARE LYING.

  • miss_grundy

    Republicans on the committee should not be allowed to speak. Do they really think they are going to get Hillz on something, like the Uranium One deal? How stupid are the Republicans? Oh, wait, they are really, really, f*cking stupid aren’t they.

    • Juan de Fuca

      They’re a special kind of stupid, Miss G.

    • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

      Unimportant. What they need to do is shift the narrative. Get the “fake news” to report on anything OTHER than Sessions committing perjury. The sad part is that it works.

  • cheetojeebus

    Unmasking DRINK!!111

  • The Wanderer

    Okay. Four hours forty minutes in, and I’ve helped correct 5 reports, written two memos, called Human Resources twice, and plowed through a pile of other paperwork. Getting close to lunchtime now, so I’ll investigate a sexual harassment complaint.

  • Phoenixdoglover
  • Blanche Beecham

    My favorite Alabamian is LuDivine the Bloodhound that ran a marathon and won a medal!
    She has integrity and grit. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7418abed246492e6b7557ba1c819d45052a6f18ecdcd3c133212c4db8a49d0c4.jpg

    • miss_grundy

      It appears one of the few Alabamians who has integrity and grit because the rest seem hellbent on electing a pedophile.

  • everstar

    Well, gosh. Nine investigations of classified leaks in the last three years, twenty-seven investigations open now. What’s changed in the last three years? Hmmmm.

  • Proud Liberal

    They will be done “without political influence”. Hogwash you lying sack of shit.

  • Suttree

    Nope not watching it. The liquor store isn’t open yet.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Wait? What? You have not stockpiled?

      • Suttree

        I try, but it seems to evaporate.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    As a pre-emptive strike, JeffBoo Littleelf will insist that he never had any sexxytimes with teenyboppers in the sekrit Alabammy GOP clubhouse in the Gadsden, AL, Papa John’s basement with Roy Moore, whom he has never met or heard of.

    At least that he can remember.

  • everstar

    YEAH CONYERS YEAH. “In a functioning democracy, is it common for the president to call for the leader of the department of justice to retaliate against his political enemies?”

    Sessions: “Is that the question?”

    WHAT.

    • everstar

      CONYERS MAXINED-WATERSED, I’M SO HAPPY

      “Reclaiming my time.”

    • miss_grundy

      No, comebola, it is a fact!

      Why are Democratic senators so subtle in their questioning?

      • everstar

        I thought that was downright straightforward for a Congressional question. (BTW, it’s the House Committee, not the Senate.)

    • The Wanderer

      “Yes, that’s the fucking question! Do you want me to come over this counter and have your whore face meet the back of my pimp hand, you little pasty-faced bitch?”

      • everstar

        “DID I FUCKING STUTTER?”

  • Victoria Ricola

    Which Cspan is covering this one? I can only find boring tax cut hearings.

  • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

    Alexander Jefferson and the Texas terrible, horrible, no good, very bad shooting?

    • miss_grundy

      Alexander Hamilton is weeping in a corner.

      • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

        Chin up, Alex. At least you got a musical in your memory.

  • Bright Bart
    • Guinnessmonkey

      Too soon.

  • IrishGrudge

    Oh God, this is a Congressional hearing. I had thought we were doing the Senate today. This should be shitshow hoedown for sure.

    • Lisa

      Is it too early to make it a drinking game?

  • Lisa

    I’m curious why he had to add “political” to his answer. Sounds like a huge loophole to me.

  • everstar

    I really wish the House would give more questioning time to members who speak more slowly. I mean, I know this would let Democrats ask more questions and therefore it won’t happen, but it irks me. I thought Conyers was on a very important line of questions.

    • Lisa

      Same. And sessions wouldn’t just say yes or no and needed repeated question g. Just dragging it out to avoid.

      • everstar

        I liked when he claimed he hadn’t heard the first part of the question. Forget your hearing aids this morning, Jeffy?

        • Lisa

          He is using that line a lot this morning.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • OutOfOrbit

      but “collusion” is not against the law

      • YoBunnyBunny

        “But Hillary!!111!”, also too, and semi-officially now.

        • OutOfOrbit

          IK,R?

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Perjury is.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Really?
        When it’s colluding to betray the country to an enemy?
        Ya sure about that?

        • OutOfOrbit

          I Know! the very definition of collusion is about secret illegal plotting and yet, i have heard just what i said on the TB toob thing

  • Lisa

    It’s yes or no dude. Stop trying to weasel your way out of an answer.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Have never heard of Rep Jim Sensenbrenner before but am willing to go out on a limb and say he’s a guy who believes in the whole self-promotion thing?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The only way I’m watching this is if Sessions pulls out his lil’ general and beats off into a potted plant.

    • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

      That would shore up his support with the base.

    • everstar

      Welp, time to go throw up from that mental image.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Or a pot plant.

  • miss_grundy

    Just looking at the homepage of my Google browser. Do you know that today is the 131st anniversary of the hole puncher? Well, that should at least make the day a little better.

    • VirginiaMorningBlend

      So that’s what those were. I thought it was Skittles day.

  • IrishGrudge

    Who is this Sensefritzer fat fuck? He looks like Carnie manager.

    • Juan de Fuca

      He’s the guy who paid for the college campus pamphlet that resulted in him getting a higher campus approval rating – basically a carnie manager who got to ask Sessions a few questions and will probably fundraise off it.

  • beingreleased

    I haven’t been watching. Has Sessions banged his fist and said “Young lady, I ain’t gonna put up with this shit no more”?

    • Notreelyhelping

      Sessions, being a Southern gentleman, refers to shit as horse fritters.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      No, he’s having trouble keeping his lies straight. You can see the gears turning…

  • IrishGrudge

    “Oh NOW I remember that super cool greek boy with the sick haircut who was treasoning all over my meeting!”

  • Lisa

    People, your questions are too long. Not only can he not remember meetings, he can’t remember the first part of your question is too long.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “Contrary to your previous testimony….” — Cong. Nadler.

    I’m loving it.

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    A picture was shown, memories were still lost.

  • miss_grundy

    Yay, Jeff Nadler! A New Yorker! Yo go, homeboy!

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “Yes or no”.
    “You are not letting me answer!”

  • everstar

    Look, he has to be able to start from the beginning of the lie or he won’t be able to remember what he’s supposed to say!

  • IrishGrudge

    I wonder if he will “recall” all this shit when he is in a dimly-lit interrogation room with a two-way mirror that has an arms-crossed Bob Mueller on the other side of it.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      Law & Order: Russian Collusion Unit

      donk donk

  • everstar

    “Did you have any discussions with the FBI about that meeting?”

    “I have not spoken with Robert Mueller or his investigation or the FBI–”

    Nobody asked about Robert Mueller, Jeff.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “I don’t remember at this time. I will remember if you find out.”

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Ding ding ding we have a winner!

      • Mary

        Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
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  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “scurrilous”
    Drink

  • Beautiful Soup

    this is a weird pic of mrs sessions appearing to lift little jeffy for a kiss
    http://www.trbimg.com/img-594047a9/turbine/la-na-jeff-sessions-senate-testimony-pictures-024/

    • wide_stance_hubby

      I wish these gnomosexuals would stop doing whatever it is that they do, in public.

      • Resistor Radio

        Think of the children!

    • VirginiaMorningBlend

      That’s mama. Wow.

    • IrishGrudge

      Nightmare fuel!

  • CripesAmighty

    Oh, look. It’s one of the old ‘Arkansas Project’ water boys still carrying Jerome Corsi’s bucket around.

  • miss_grundy

    I hope that Hillz and all of her attorneys bring hell and damnation down on the Justice Dept., the Keebler Elf, Dotard his heirs and assigns. It is what these assholes deserve.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      You would think that after the 11 hour Benghazi hearing and how Trey Gowdy was made to look like an even bigger fool, that they’d leave Hillz alone.

      • miss_grundy

        No, because they suffer from stupidity. How many times did the committee that reviewed the Uranium One deal meet? And how many times did a State department official attend for Hillz because she was putting in miles flying around as SoS? By the time she finished, she had a million miles on her Frequent Flyer card. Will they be going after all of the other cabinet and agency heads that also voted to let the deal go through?

      • CripesAmighty

        Well, even though I’m sure it’s rather low on her list of recreational activities, I for one would relish an opportunity to watch Hillary humiliate these witless hicks yet again.

      • Covfefe

        Point is, both sides do it. Demonrats be investigating Trump. Cuz Hillz lost. No one appreciates that.

      • cmd resistor

        They probably think they did a great job “grilling” Hillary.

  • IrishGrudge

    Are these geriatric hayseeds seriously going to go after weed here today?? Now I’m enraged and it’s not even fucking lunch time yet.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      Murdered by furriners…. But let’s not talk about guns.

      Summary Executions.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      [Canada points at America and laughs]

      • Covfefe

        That’s for sure! Canada laughs at America because “Alberta” is harder to spell than “Alabama.” And don’t get me started on Andy Scherer.

  • hudson

    this chabot guy seems like he is a piece of work.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      He is trying to distract.

    • Juan de Fuca

      That was the most awkward attempt of a connection between marijuana use to prison inmates killing guards I’ve ever heard.

      Come to think of it, it was the first connection I’ve ever heard.

  • bubbuhh

    how cum his pantz aint on fahr yet?

  • christmas is canceled
    • beingreleased

      He’s learning from Trump. When people (Elijah Cummings, for example), said “You’ll be remembered as a great President if you don’t act like an asshole all the time,” Trump only heard the first part.

  • Resistor Radio

    I don’t know if I can watch this shit.

    • doggiedaddy

      I can’t (remember)
      tagging out

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Way to forget everything that happened, Pointdexter!

  • laughingnome

    So if they open another investigation of CLinton’s campaign that would mean the Republican party has been investigating the Clintons through various governmental and non-governmental means off and on (mostly on) for 25 years.

    • CripesAmighty

      Shit. It’s been longer than that. Corsi, Lucianne and Jonah were rooting around in the Clintons’ trash cans back in Arkansas.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

      They haven’t forgotten the grievous sin that Bubba did: interrupting the sacrosanct Reagan Revolution by getting uppity negroes to come out and vote.

  • WeaselPoo

    Mr. Sessions. Having heard your meandering, irrelevant and plodding statements, you appear to have forgotten to mention your matriculation from Stalling University, which would make you a Stallin’ grad. Now some of my republican colleagues seem hot to Trotsky to open yet another Clinton investigation, for St. Petersburg sake! Personally that idea strikes me as Volga and beneath the dignity of this commitee, but you seem to be Lenin in that direction. I sincerely hope you are just Putin me on.

    • The Wanderer

      And it all adds up to a big ol’ steaming pile of Bolshevik.

      • WeaselPoo

        Based on Russian to judgement.

        • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻

          Well, the Siberia-space is just a series of tubes.

          I don’t really Laika this line of questioning.

          • The Wanderer

            Ivan to stop, too, but I have to grin and Bear it.

    • 🍁 Girl Guide Salute 🖖🏻
    • eggs ackly-wright

      Jeffy hasn’t told the truth nyet.

  • beingreleased

    ON TOPIC: Listening to Mavis Stapes sing about the Civil Rights movement. I feel like crying (which I won’t do, because I’m a manly man, but excuse me while I go chop an onion).
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKwOmUP1FQU

  • dshwa

    Investigate the DNC?
    Once again, thanks a lot, Donna Brazille.

    • miss_grundy

      Donna Brazile should be investigated for being an asshat.

  • Victoria Ricola

    Poor Jeff Sessions can’t recall a single conversation that occurred in 2016.

    • miss_grundy

      I don’t recall that defense working for John Mitchell.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    OT: I woke up early to do chores…now I”m watching a making of doc on Goodfellas.

    ENJOY:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bbzUZuxEB8

    (Also too, Evan, I know you’re live blogging, just FYI you have three i’s in politics.)

  • cheetojeebus

    hmm somebodies lying about the Gulan situation. lots of hemming and hawwing, pregnant pauses…..

  • Proud Liberal

    All I can say is that this committee is sorely lacking in knowledge and the ability to cross-examine a witness.

    • miss_grundy

      Truly, these people suck at questioning a witness.

    • dshwa

      Half of them don’t want to ask pertinent questions in the first place.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Can we give that lady five more minutes? Because it looked like she had him dead to rights.

    • IrishGrudge

      Yeah he look flustered for real

      • Juan de Fuca

        The whole thing is a dog and pony show. She asked him a few questions, he starts to lie, catches himself and they move onto the next rep. WTF is this?

  • IrishGrudge

    “Mr. Sessions do you recall…”

    “Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!”

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    OMG It’s King.

    DACA! Deport!!!!!!

    • Resistor Radio

      Drink!

  • CripesAmighty

    Time for Canteloupe-Fer-Brains…

  • Proud Liberal

    How many God damned times are we going to hear “I do not recall” today?

    • IrishGrudge

      Oliver North times.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Damn, I had Alberto Gonzales times in the office pool.

        • cmd resistor

          There’s always Ronald Reagan times.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      I’d be comatose if this were a drinking game.

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    Lil Steve!!

  • Resistor Radio

    Jeffy’s whole demeanor changes when he’s being asked about anything besides Russia. He should practice sounding slow and confused for all the questions, not just the ones from democrats. Just saying.

    • Beautiful Soup

      would love to play poker with Liddle’ Jeff.

      • Resistor Radio

        Please not strip poker
        Please not strip poker
        Please not strip poker

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Brown people will kill us all!

  • Resistor Radio

    If republicans won’t go near Russia, be nice for at least ONE to ask him a Roy Moore question.

  • Proud Liberal

    Exactly, why the fuck is Jeff Sessions being questioned? What is the fucking purpose of this hearing?

    • Resistor Radio

      Hillary, apparently

  • SDGeoff3

    Now Steve King and lil’ biscuit are dumping on DACA and Jeffie’s really chatty all of a sudden. He remembers a lot of things when he’s answering a republican.

    • Victoria Ricola

      “I don’t have a question, I just want to ramble on for awhile about her emails for the record.”

    • CripesAmighty

      Catch that quick backtrack on ‘amnesty’ when them wheels a started a-turnin that ‘ceptin for if I’m a lookin at the hoosegow?

      • SDGeoff3

        Mmm hmm.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Has anybody asked Sessions whether he ever jumped any school girls bones when he was in his thirties?

  • marxalot

    I can’t watch this live because I’m a little too under the weather to be able to blow a gasket, and I can’t just throw a monitor because I’m at work. But I want you all to know that under the cold medication, I am livid.

    • Proud Liberal

      This entire hearing is a fucking sham. Nothing is going to come of it.

  • BosGrl

    Well, Steve King got to opine without actually asking a question.

    • SDGeoff3

      And now Auntie Sheila has some issues to air. Yeehaw.

    • Proud Liberal

      Goodlatte only admonishes the Democrats on the committee.

  • IrishGrudge

    Girl! Rep. Jackson Lee went to Kinko’s this morning!

    • BosGrl

      She’s like, STFU – LOL – you’re wasting my time!

  • Ali | A Grumpy Cat

    “Texas terrific horrible shooting”

    Are y’all shitting me?

    • puredog

      He was trying to say “horrific” but couldn’t quite pull it off.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    So what does Sessions’ testimony amount to? “We were a bunch of conniving liars, but we were really bad at it?”

    • marxalot

      That does seem to be the picture that’s shaping up as these things continue.

    • IrishGrudge

      Yes. To quote the great John Oliver: This is “Stupid Watergate.”

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Pin that weasel!

  • Juan de Fuca

    Thank you ma’am. Just when I thought nobody was going ask him – “Did you lie to us before or not? Yes or no?”

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    I read chabot as chatbot…it’s not wrong, ya know.

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      also, read Lofgren as LOLgrin.

  • Victoria Ricola

    Yes! Get him! Bring out your props and reclaim that time, Rep Jackson Lee!

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “I don’t understand” the question about changing my testimony.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      I do not recall that particular meeting…

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      and yet he’s qualified to be AG..suuuuure.

  • yyyaz

    Trapped by his own weaselly word thingies, “I still do not recall what I knew.”

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    That picture was photoshopped!

  • IrishGrudge

    Nice prop sign. And the assistant holdin’ it up ain’t too bad either. Hope Roy More isn’t lurking around for her sake

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    I like this lady

  • Victoria Ricola

    Ugh. Issa. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

    • Proud Liberal

      Mike Levin better win next year.

  • CripesAmighty

    Uh oh, Darrell Issa. did they screen for matches and kerosene?

  • yyyaz

    Isssaaa is a idiot.

    • Juan de Fuca

      When Southern California sends our people to congress, we don’t always send our best.

      • SDGeoff3

        I have to turn the sound off for the Issa time. I cannot deal with him.

        • Juan de Fuca

          Here’s to hoping Applegate replaces him next year. He came close last time!

          • SDGeoff3

            Yes he did.

      • yyyaz

        You’re completely forgiven because Schiff and his ilk, but San Diego needs to wake up.

        • SDGeoff3

          The Democrats do not enjoy The Voting here. That is why we have a moran for a mayor. The republicans in San Diego have actually enabled an epidemic of Hepatitis A in the city limits largely among the homeless population. They twiddled
          and diddled and did nothing for months (because homeless) and now Hep A is our latest export to Arizona and Utah.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      Is he running or retiring for 2018?

  • IrishGrudge

    He said “I don’t speak Russian.” WTF lol

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “get a room”

    • yyyaz

      srsly. ugh.

  • Soapy

    If this asshole elf can’t remember, why the hell he’s an AG?? Got Racism!

    • Proud Liberal

      He sucks Trump’s dick every night.

      • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

        Ewwww.

  • Sophie McMillan

    Issa And Sessions need To Get A Frickimg Room

    • IrishGrudge

      Yes, the chemistry between them was electric there. Thought they were gonna aggressively make out for a sec.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Their love is aflame.

  • marxalot

    Somebody, please, just ask: “So were you lying then, or now?”

    • miss_grundy

      Only a Democrat would ask that question but it would be in language that is so subtle, it wouldn’t sound that way.

      • SDGeoff3

        I think we’ve heard it a few times already from Auntie Sheila. Sessions decided to spew the bullasheeta instead.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Loretta Lynch? WTF.

    This is not a Justice Department issue.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      IKR. But Jeffy will stick his nose into it anyway.

  • Victoria Ricola

    Darrell Issa is trying to bore me into changing the channel and I’m not falling for it.

    • dshwa

      He’s usually such a ball of fire.

  • Relativicus

    “So when every denial you make here today is shown to be a lie, will you promise to come back here and act indignant without ever having to answer for your perjuries?”

  • hudson

    this guy does not seem to recall anything. he has a memory of a squirrel or something.

    • miss_grundy

      Squirrel Libelz!!!

  • eggs ackly-wright

    JBS should go on Dancing With the Stars. He’s win the Weasel Dance contest easily.

  • IrishGrudge

    Did he just try to call a fucking timeout?? I’m waiting for one of these wingnus to throw out a red challenge flag next.

    • miss_grundy

      Yes, he wanted more time to attack the social net.

  • Beautiful Soup

    Will Franken get in on this today, does anyone know?

    • Meccalopolis

      this is a house hearing

      • Beautiful Soup

        Oh duh, thanks.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    SOT, but just listen to that filibustering voice. I keep wondering whether he’ll make it to the end of a sentence. It must be realllly hard to talk Southern.

    • Victoria Ricola

      “Why, Mr Msgr_MΩment, I’ll just say that I have no idea whatever in the world you could be talking about as I’m just a southern gentleman from the fine state of Alabama who has no recollection of the year 2016 and Loretta Lynch and let me explain how that happens! “

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Sessions: “I love Black people, but they cannot be allowed to vote.”

    • miss_grundy

      Oh, yeah! You love them to clean your house, to clean your car, to carry your bags, to drive you around, to mow your lawn. Oh, yeah, you love Black people!

      • wide_stance_hubby

        But, mostly, he loves them to keep the hell quiet while doing all that.

    • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

      “I love Black people” as servants, athletes or musicians. FIFY

    • dshwa

      I love jailing black people.

      Fixed it for you, Jeff.

  • IrishGrudge

    Watching a Rep. from my home state of Tennessee vigorously defend cannibas just gave me goosebumps.

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    Pot good. Heroin bad. K, got it.

  • miss_grundy

    Rep. Cohen from TN needs to reclaim his time because Jeffy is about to eat up all of his time in answering the question in Southern.

    • SDGeoff3

      He is having a ball, and needs to have his smirky lil’ punchy face adjusted. By me.

  • IrishGrudge

    Ugh. Neither. Go DAWGS!

  • BigCSouthside

    Jefferson “I don’t recall” Sessions

  • hudson

    he recalls the context of his 1980s declaration “good people don’t smoke marijuana” .

  • Juan de Fuca

    Welp! Here comes Jim Jordan from Ohio. Oh, look – he’s deflecting back to the Russia Dossier.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      “You are my friend… let’s make out.”

    • BigCSouthside

      He’s a sack of shit inside an older smellier sack of shit

    • Victoria Ricola

      Comrade Jordan sucks.

      • Juan de Fuca

        He’s got a thing for that Russian Dossier, doesn’t he? His shiny thing?

  • miss_grundy

    Another Republican idiot from OH is going after Hillz. Someone needs to pull his hair–oh, wait, he has a crewcut. I guess we will just have to pull his ears, without benefit of votes.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Posted this on the wrong thread. This shit is getting confusing…

    Jeffy is impressive, in his own way. The ability to stick your foot in your mouth and then shoot yourself in said foot, while simultaneously stepping on your own dick is a truly rare one.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      what’s most impressive is how none of his lies seem to hurt him at all

      I guess that goes for all of them, they just fucking lie constantly and never suffer any ill consequences

  • WY_cryptid

    I thought congresspeople had access to real facts and information- so I am always confused how conspiracy silliness always spills out. #FollowTheWhiteRabbit.

    • CripesAmighty

      They, like Donnie take their direction from the curvy cretin couch.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    It’s in the employee manual, and I know that this will backfire.

  • memzilla Ω

    BUT HER URANIUM EMAILS!! Fuck you, Jordan.

    • miss_grundy

      Why is it that shitheads like Jordan conveniently forget that the information contained in the Steele Dossier began with the Republicans, who were paying to get dirt on Dotard? And no, opposition research is not against the law. Nor is paying for it. Perhaps it is time for the Ohio Democrats to get some on this Jordan asshole.

  • IrishGrudge

    Is Jim Jordan a fucking Freedom Caucus guy? Cuz his hard on for locking Hillary up sounds WAY bigger than Jeff Session’s tiny wrinkly elf boner for jailing all the Clintons.

  • dshwa

    It’s getting to the point where I can’t even hear about work emails at work without cursing silently.

  • yyyaz

    Keep fucking that chicken constitution, GOOPers.

  • Cheesus Crust _ Rebel

    What in the actual fuck are these fevered fucking dreams these looney assholes are…. I can’t even.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      wingnut red meat- it’s astounding to hear actual congressmen parrot that crap on the record

      • bbayliss

        They all get their “information” from the same source as your crazy uncle Louie.

  • ziggywiggy

    “dislike is not enough” pay attention Jordan.

  • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

    Hank Johnson, GA-04, my congressman. Not the smartest or most imaginative person in the Congress. Has never introduced his own legislation. But holds John Lewis’ water so I’m not mad at him.

    • cmd resistor

      I used to live in the 4th many years ago, before it was redrawn, I guess. Was represented by Ben Jones (Cooter from Dukes of Hazzard) and Cynthia McKinney. So I had to read up on Johnson. He is one of 3 Buddhists in Congress.

    • LadyLaz

      So you are in zah DeKalb County. I am in a red super exburb.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    So have they arrested Hillary yet?

    • miss_grundy

      I would like to see them try. The whole thing will blow up in their faces.

    • Victoria Ricola

      They’ll never do that. If Hillary was arrested for her many yoga email crimes, they’d have nothing left to talk about when they get caught being corrupt assholes.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      working on it, if Jordan has his way…

  • cmd resistor

    So what is the point of this hearing, just kind of a meet and greet between Elf on a Shelf and the Judiciary Committee so everyone sort of gets an update about the DOJ?

  • Mavenmaven

    You’d think the lyrics here were about this investigation.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Va0euOA_HI

  • yyyaz

    Shout out to Evan for having to wade through this shit for our lulz. Thanks, Evan!

  • dshwa

    Oooh, look at Sessions saying something sane and actually in line with his job regarding Hillary.

    He’s so fired.

  • Mayor_Quimby

    I don’t believe a lotta things; weed isn’t illegal, dogs shouldn’t be banned from patios, pineapple belongs on pizza.

    • Resistor Radio

      I like pineapple on pizza!

      • puredog

        YOU MONSTER!

        • Resistor Radio

          On this subject, I’ll own it.

      • Boscoe

        I’d suggest that anyone who hates pineapple on pizza hasn’t actually tried it, ’cause it is AMAZEBALLS. The citrus perfectly complements the sauce. It is pure beauty in my mouth.

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        Me too. But then, I also like vegan snausage on the very same pizza, so..

        • Resistor Radio

          I’ll allow it.

    • Doug Langley

      For a moment, I thought that was “dogs shouldn’t be banned from politics”.

    • bbayliss

      Dogs on pizza?

  • folderol

    There must be a tongue-twister here:

    Session’s digressions and confessions in a succession of questions of aggression in the session lacked expression of comprehension.

  • BosGrl

    Oh Jeff Sessions is a CHAMPION on the rule of law!!

  • yyyaz

    Oh fuck you Lamer Schmidt.

  • BigCSouthside

    Do the republicans just suck his dick for 5 minutes in succession?

    • yyyaz

      Yes.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Rep: “Throw brown people in jail!”

  • jesterpunk

    I remember reading last year that even if congress did find Hillary guilty of all the crimes the most they could do is pull her security clearance. Which is meaningless if she is POTUS because POTUS has automatic clearance and its meaningless now because she is a private citizen not a government official.

    • canes_pugnaces

      They are going to lock her up for the crime of running against the bloated orange canker.

  • BosGrl

    OMG, yes, sending back a lesbian woman to Uganda to be spite raped will DEF keep us SAFE.

  • memzilla Ω

    Shorter Smith: “Thank you for going after black and brown people.” Fuck this guy too.

  • miss_grundy

    Bathroom break!

  • yyyaz

    Every time it’s a GOPer serving up softballs, JeffBo lights up like a Vegas strip joint.

    • SDGeoff3

      And gets very chatty like he is on the marijuanas, which is very bad.

      • yyyaz

        The stress in his voice is a sine wave that peaks when any Democrat has the mic.

        • SDGeoff3

          They apparently talk too fast and give him the confuse. Wouldn’t he make a great defense attorney? “Yer honna, mah cli-unt…”
          Judge: “Heat up The Chair.”

        • SDGeoff3

          Since you mentioned that, I watched for it, and that’s a great observation.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “Recess!”

    There’s a word Roy Moore loves to hear.

    • Boscoe

      …as he drives his ice cream truck onto the playground…

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Coffee Spewed on the Keyboard Award

  • IrishGrudge

    It never ceases to amaze me how many new lunatic fringe nut jobs are waiting in the ranks to pop out from behind a corner in The House of Representatives. Do we really need 435 of these fuckers??

    • bbayliss

      Who according to the CBO each cost us around a million each annually, with their three offices, staff, and benefits.
      That $174.000 salary they bitch about is the tip of the iceberg.

  • Resistor Radio

    I can’t believe dude brought up child predators with a straight face before promptly moving on to sanctuary cities. Fuck that guy.

    • puredog

      An opening for a smooth segue for someone: “Speaking of child predators. . . .”

      • Resistor Radio

        Hence the recess?

  • canes_pugnaces

    I can save everyone a lot of trouble and time.

    Choose one of the four answers below:

    1) I can’t recall. Not to the best of my recollection.
    2) Lock her up.
    3) Fuck everyone who isn’t white.
    4) Good people don’t do drugs, live on the coasts, or smoke marijuana.

    Thank you, I’m going to bake cookies now,

    Elf Session.

    • CripesAmighty

      Hearing adjourned *BAM*

    • jesterpunk

      PIZZAURANIUMBENGHAZIEMAILGATE!!!!!!111!!!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!!

      • canes_pugnaces

        My favorite is:
        Q: (sic) did you talk to Trump about any of these issues?
        A: (sic) I did not have sex with that cookie.

  • SDGeoff3

    Sessions doesn’t appear smart enough to be in his job. For a legal beagle he has a very short memory.

    • BosGrl

      If these idiots really can’t remember things, should they be in charge?

      • SDGeoff3

        Well, no.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        They have the BEST memories. They remember to not remember shit that would prove they are perjuring themselves.

    • UnsaltedSinner
    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Someone should mention that they are concerned about his brain health

    • Boscoe

      Sessions doesn’t appear smart enough to remember how to breathe, yet some evil majiks is keeping him propped up…

      • SDGeoff3

        Elfin magicks. Bad stuff.

  • Resistor Radio

    OT: so we had make-up sex with the Philippines?

    • BigCSouthside

      Yeah, they are committing atrocious crime AND now getting all kinds of shit from us.

  • IrishGrudge

    Did you just see how Trump’s face lit up when he associated 3 black American basketball players with “very long prison sentences” in China where they “do not play around” ? Jesus. Fuck that orange shitstain.

    • David Chaillou

      Maybe somebody should tell him what they do in China when they catch crooked businessmen. And about Chinese bankruptcy laws. Pretty sure he would lose his smile permanently, or at least as long as his failing synapses could retain that piece of information.

      • miss_grundy

        It is a shame that, at least, in this country we don’t send people like that away for life in the general population in prison. Of course, the Chinese have their own way of doing things.

  • jesterpunk

    Look everyone, Paul Ryan said treason is funny and its just a little joke. So keep it in the family ok?

  • UnsaltedSinner
  • memzilla Ω

    Question I’d like to hear asked: “Mr. Sessions, do you believe that all of your prevaricating lying lies are worth denying poor Lula her important squeaky chicken time?”

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Throw that squeaky chicken, white boy,
      Throw that squeaky chicken now,
      Throw that squeaky chicken, white boy,
      Get down and boogie,
      And throw that squeaky chicken ’til you die.
      ‘Til you die!

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Wait, Sessions said there wasn’t enough evidence to appoint a special prosecutor to go after Clinton? Didn’t they just announce that they were planning to look into appointing a special prosecutor to go after Clinton last night? I assume it was a really short investigation?

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Standard Operating Procedure for the pathetic souls who inhabit the inner orbit around the Orange Gasbag. They get brow-beaten into saying they will do something stupid. A bunch of people say, “Hey! That’s really stupid!” The following day, they walk it back. (And within a few days, the Dotard twit-rages.)

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Yeah, that makes sense – I just would have thought that they would have timed the initial announcement better – you know, AFTER Keebler’s testimony today, so they’d have a week to make it look like they were really going to look into that appointin’, before they walked it back.

    • jesterpunk

      Wait for the wing nuts to decide that means Hillary blackmailed him by threatening to send her murder squad after him.

      • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

        She sent him a smashed Keurig video as a warning!

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      If you’ve ever had a boss that flies into toddler rages this is pretty much sop. It works better when you don’t have a Fox News around egging them on,

  • IrishGrudge

    I like this Floridian. And I’ve never said that sentence before.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Ted Deutch is one of our brighter stars.

    • Weird Fishes

      I’ve only previously attributed it to orange juice.

  • IrishGrudge

    Britches!! lmao

  • bbayliss

    OFCS leaks!

  • bbayliss

    You could start with trump

  • bbayliss

    We can’t trust the NSA ( to do what we want)

  • bbayliss

    could he pound sand down a rat hole?
    REAL judge as opposed to who, Roy Moore?

  • Johnnymoreno

    They would rather not Investigate Hillary because then they’d have to clear her, leaving them totally defenseless.

    • H0mer0

      [IK,R?]

  • FlemmishSpy

    TERRISTS!!

  • bbayliss

    When I know more about this than our elected officials we are in big trouble.

  • bbayliss

    BURN

  • miss_grundy

    Luis Gutierrez is going after Jeffy! Go Luis! Go Chicago!

  • IrishGrudge

    Seriously, why don’t they just impeach her already y’all??

    • miss_grundy

      Instead of firing Jeffy, he should be impeached so at least these congress critters can get some practice time in before they impeach Dotard.

  • ziggywiggy

    Thanks Mr. Gutierrez! Resign Donald, resign Hillary! I love it.

  • Victoria Ricola

    I’m really enjoying Rep. Gutierrez giving Sessions the business right now.

  • bbayliss

    facts!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Ah, Jim Jordan. In my old job, I had to run a monthly report about all the new businesses registered in the state in the previous month. It went out on disc to various private sector businesses and public sector organizations interested in such things. Congressman Jim Jordan was on the list. His address label read, “The Honorable Jim Jordan.”

    I always gagged when that label went on the envelope.

    • TexasDumb

      I wonder if you could edit to “The Horrible Jim Jordan”. Wonder if anyone would notice.

  • IrishGrudge

    Day-UM dude! ZING!

  • Victoria Ricola

    NOW we’re cookin!

    • bbayliss

      with gas

      • jesterpunk

        War on coal!!!!

      • Phoenixdoglover

        Charrrrrrrcoal matey!

  • bbayliss

    Mother Jones?!!?!?”

  • miss_grundy

    Latinos from Chicago are spicy!!!!!

  • FlemmishSpy

    How onerous to be questioned by a brown.

    • IrishGrudge

      And one from a sanctuary city.

  • bbayliss

    Flop sweat

  • FlemmishSpy

    “I’d like to run out the clock.”

  • memzilla Ω

    When you can’t answer a direct question without referring to a piece of paper, YOU ARE A LYING LIAR WHO LIES.

    • Victoria Ricola

      “Let me pull out my fake news CNN paper!”

  • bbayliss

    You only know what you read in the papers?

  • RMKH

    I’m waiting for Jeffy to do the old Spock “Everything I say is a lie” trick to make the congresspeople’s internal computers start to smoke and then shut down.

    • RMKH

      Oops, my bad, it was Kirk and Mudd that got the android to overload with that statement.

      • H0mer0

        “The Changeling” (not to be confused with the movie starring Angelina Jolie.)

  • bbayliss

    ” I would recuse myself” was the right answer

  • FlemmishSpy

    I watched Bullwinkle!

    • Phoenixdoglover

      We are living in a Fractured Fairy Tale.

  • bbayliss

    “The best people” has lost some of it’s shine.

  • bbayliss

    “attempt to not to answer that”
    accidental honesty?

  • bbayliss

    Brand is dangerous, the new Bork

  • Relativicus

    So, this whole “perjury” thing. Is that just for blowjobs, or what?

  • FlemmishSpy

    Blah people are scary!

    • yyyaz

      As evidenced by the frown lines threatening to swallow his forehead when questioned by one.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        UPPITY!

  • FlemmishSpy

    They are extremists, but they’re white, so no big.

  • Victoria Ricola

    Oh this is fun. Good fun. Fuck you little racist elf.

  • bbayliss

    Squeeze his nuts, little fucker

  • FlemmishSpy

    Have you heard their latest single?

  • IrishGrudge

    Remember he liked KKK folk til he found out they smoked the wacky tobacky.

  • IrishGrudge

    Oh god, not this fucker. He looks like he was designed by Wes Craven.

    • miss_grundy

      Wes Craven Libelz!!!!

  • bbayliss

    I can see his SKULL!

  • ziggywiggy

    Gross Gowdy is up, gotta change the channel so I don’t lose my breakfast. Ahhhh thanks Nickelodeon!

  • FlemmishSpy

    Hatch act! Drink!

  • bbayliss

    Comey did it!

  • Weird Fishes

    Hey, everyone! Let’s all take about 3 minutes and decompress. It’s been a long morning.

    https://youtu.be/qkXVxPY5jd0

    • Resistor Radio

      Thank you, that was just what the doctor ordered. I want to snuggle up with that kitty pile!

  • memzilla Ω

    Stop trying to make HER EMAILS happen, you lop-headed Javert.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Another winner!

  • hudson

    one thing is for sure. you can tell a douchebag by what he talks about and he speaks about it. take this gowdy guy for example.

    • Resistor Radio

      I couldn’t take it. First time I’ve had to hit mute (so far).

  • FlemmishSpy

    It’s Obama’s fault!

  • IrishGrudge

    Obama did it too! BOTH SIDES do it! *planting face into hands*

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      So. Much. Bullshit.

  • FlemmishSpy

    You work for a statue.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    STFU Gowdy- how dare you accuse anyone else of being partisan?

  • Ducksworthy
    • miss_grundy

      Gerrymandered?????

    • ziggywiggy

      It’s shaped like a seahorse?

    • bbayliss

      Seahorse?

    • IrishGrudge

      Pure Gerrymandering Genius

    • yyyaz

      Looks like a pixelated duck on a pond, so, no?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      It seems to be avoiding cities like the plague.

      • Resistor Radio

        Or taking just enough out of each city to dilute voting power.

    • FlemmishSpy

      Looks like a duck?

    • RMKH

      Not a seahorse, it’s Cecil the Seasick Sea Serpent

    • Resistor Radio
  • miss_grundy

    So, the pedophile-loving swamp Republicans think that the DOJ wasn’t doing its job under Bamz. I hope Loretta Lynch smacks the shite out of Gowdy.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Perhaps someone should ask Sessions if he knows whether all the dipshits calling for prosecution of a defeated Presidential candidate realize they would be setting a precedent. If they are confused by a three syllable work like that, maybe ask them if they ever heard the warning/saying “what goes around, comes around.”

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    Thank the FSM I’m working from ‘home’ (corner coffeehouse) today, because it’s noisy enough in here with all these Artsy Types having Business Lunch Meetings that no one can hear me chuckling like a loon back here in the corner. Which they for sure would if I was in my office like normal.

    • RMKH

      Ramen!

  • FlemmishSpy

    “You gotta understand. They’s a lot of good ol’ boys in Texas”

  • bbayliss

    4 judges American bar ranks unqualified

    • yyyaz

      And only because they don’t have a “Are You Shitting Me?” ranking.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ms. Sessions looks like she might be rather handy with a rolling pin. And not just using it to cook.

  • bbayliss

    No tokens yet

  • FlemmishSpy

    “Counting the servers?”

  • Victoria Ricola

    Jeff Sessons has the arms of a person who cannot reach the drive-through window from their car.

    • marxalot

      …shut up

  • bbayliss

    OFCS serious abusers

  • FlemmishSpy

    MS13! Drink!

  • ziggywiggy

    Oh no farthold is up back to nick.

    • ziggywiggy

      Maybe if he stopped holding them in he wouldn’t be so bloated.

    • IrishGrudge

      I literally laughed out loud when I looked up and saw his name plate.

  • bbayliss

    Fewer people in jail, murder up
    We’re doing our job

  • bbayliss

    Bunny jammies don’t shake his hand.

  • IrishGrudge

    His nonsense answer about mandatory sentences for crack vs. treatment for opiods might be the dumbest horseshit that has spewed forth from his Keebler hole all morning long. And that’s sayin A LOT.

    • ((( Augustus )))

      crack = blahs
      opiates = PWT

      see the difference?

  • FlemmishSpy

    “Excuse me for a moment while I look for my neck.”

  • memzilla Ω

    Gap-toothed pajama boy says what now?

    • bbayliss

      “Mama didn’t comb my hair this morning”

  • gallbladder

    Fatty Arbuckle’s on the committee?

    • GHERKINS du RESISTANCE!

      I always thought Chet from Weird Science got changed back!

  • rocktonsam

    Where’s the cookies elf mother f#&%er?
    – Shelia Jackson Lee

  • fawkedifiknow

    Trey Gowdy is one of those down-home, corn pone, big-fishes-in-a-little pond kinda guys who the Republicans declare to be a diamond in the rough genius who can teach us all a thing or two, and the MSM idiotically buy it (Like Paul Ryan) for a while. Meanwhile, the rest of us go unrepresented and unheard from and deleterious shit happens – every fucking time.

  • FlemmishSpy

    “Can you tell me which sites to avoid?”

  • bbayliss

    Bell and Howell called, that projector? they want it back

  • IrishGrudge

    Fartenhold looks like Louis Anderson if he’d become a CPA instead of a comedian.

    • CripesAmighty

      Junior Samples Goes To Washington.

  • Raan

    He’s not a nerd. He is a straight-up doofus.

    • bbayliss

      finger sniffer

  • kareemachan

    Oh jeebus, his hair looks like shit.

  • Portia McGonagal

    As much as I’ve appreciated the grilling that “I can’t remembah” Sessions has gotten on Russia, two of my favorite moments have come from Rep. Bass and Rep. Richmond.

    Bass “you’re investigating black identity ( cough) extremist groups do you know of any white ones?” Sessions: “uh er um uh gergelsplat”.

    Richmond “How many black people work for you at senior levels?” Session: Uh none but back in Alabammy I had me one token”.

    Richmond: “How come we see such disparate treatment in the war on crack vs the opiod crisis. Could it be hmmm I dunno race?” Sessions: “Lemme deflect and give you a non-answer”

    • Portia McGonagal

      Let me amend this to add Rep Hakeem Jeffries who brought ALL of the receipts today.

  • BosGrl

    Do you remember not recalling?

    I DON’T REMEMBER NOT RECALLING!

    • gallbladder

      A denial non-denial?

      • BosGrl

        I don’t remember if I denied.

        • gallbladder

          I don’t either, come to not think of it.

  • FlemmishSpy

    “Never said I had the best memory.”

  • memzilla Ω

    Sessions: “I can’t remember how many times I’ve said ‘I can’t remember.'”

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Alex Jones has a supplement for that

      • FlemmishSpy

        Suppository?

  • Portia McGonagal

    If you had “I don’t recall” in the drinking game, you are now in the ER on life support from alcohol poisoning.

  • Red Bird

    Wait! Sessions married a real woman?

  • bbayliss

    Eat you words mutha

  • FlemmishSpy

    “Well, that was a Clinton.”

  • Daniel

    Trey Gowdy is like an age makeup wearing Alex Winter not playing his own grandmother.

    • BosGrl

      Whenever I see “Trey Gowdy”, I think “Curt Gowdy” and I get a confuse.

    • valgalky23

      And can’t tie a tie!

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      He has that weak chinned McConnell look about him. “When two first cousins love each other very much….”

  • FlemmishSpy

    “My indignation is exculpatory!”

  • bbayliss

    What would you do ? ISN’T GARBLED

  • memzilla Ω

    Wow, Mr. “I Can’t Remember” suuuuuure has a certainty that he didn’t do any bad Russia stuff.

    • Daniel

      Well, he’d obviously remember any bad stuff. QED.

  • IrishGrudge

    Who is this fuckin rejected extra from the set of Goodfellas?? See, just when I said a nice thing about a Floridian earlier….this guy reminds me.

  • bbayliss

    What would you do? I’d recuse myself
    That is all.

  • Josh Di Donato

    Sessions just said “That’s not fair, colleagues!” Does he think he’s still in the Senate? Never mind that he’s testifying in the House.

    • valgalky23

      He’s been saying “we” at the DOJ and “we” in the Senate interchangeably all day. Almost like he has two jobs at the same time….oh wait….

  • BosGrl

    Uranium One – DRINK!

  • Tragic Typos

    Waiting for “I’m sure I didn’t collude on any campaigns without the permission of Mother Russia.”

  • bbayliss

    I don’t think we should be able to determine party affiliation so easily by the quality of question asked

    • BosGrl

      Well, the Rs are testifying more than asking questions. I guess that’s OK?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        you misspelled “running interference for”

  • arglebargle

    Why does his nameplate say “Honey Sessions”? I though we all agreed on Butterscotch Sessions.

  • IrishGrudge

    This guy DeSantis should be a used car salesman on Staten Island, not a congressman in Flarduh.

  • Josh Di Donato

    Oh good, Uranium One questions from FL’s DeSantis. Whew. Sessions’ memory of things that happened in 2009 and 2010 is way better than his 2016. Super weird!

    • Blackest Noobs

      even weirder Sessions memory is better at made-up shit and people connecting dots that in reality didnt connect….but yes what an amazing partisan memory of his

  • BosGrl

    So basically he doesn’t have to answer questions. Why the fuck is he even here then?

  • bbayliss

    He’s working for Mueller

  • FlemmishSpy

    “I’d like to have it both ways.”

  • Blackest Noobs

    judging by Sessions wife’s appearance ( i know, i know im being bad) i would assume Jeff Sessions isn’t a pedophile like his pal Roy Moore ( though Sessions said he agrees with the women, he is also a known and practicing fucking LIAR)

    Roy’s wife is MUCH MUCH younger…and given all the shit coming out for Roy, shit might turn Alabama so off they may opt not to name their sons Roy anymore.

    oh wait that is in a perfect world where Alabama sees the errors of their ways….nope, they’ll vote for this fucking pedophile.

    • IrishGrudge

      Mammy Sessions looks like someone whitewashed the lead role in Aunt Jemima The Movie

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        No.

  • bbayliss

    Kushner, hell i can anwer that

  • FlemmishSpy

    “I learned about it when you did.”

  • memzilla Ω

    Notice how Sessions keeps picking up the same piece of paper when he’s asked about anything Rooshun? Almost like he’s got eight or eleven canned lines.

    • Sophia

      Just one “I don’t recall”

  • FlemmishSpy

    You can’t spell “Ratcliffe” without cliff.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    No Leaking! Keep it vague.

    Immunized witnesses.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    DO you have irregularities?
    We barely survived Obama!

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    Wait for it….

  • IrishGrudge

    This guy just won Douche of the Day. They saved the best for last.

  • FlemmishSpy

    Softball lobbed…

  • Josh Di Donato

    Ratcliffe is grandstanding about how Obama was the worst presidency ever. This Steve Carell-looking motherfucker is carping about irrelevant matters.

  • Proud Liberal

    Those fuckers saying President Obama was one of the worst presidents in history. I would like to fuck them up. With votes…

  • Josh Di Donato

    Swalwell! My hero!

  • IrishGrudge

    Swalwell is awesome. He should coax at least one treason-lie out of this fucktard.

  • Resistor Radio

    Why is he so insistent on NOT changing his(lying) testimony? Legal people, why won’t he do that?

  • Anna Rompage

    “I do not remember, or recall having any kind of conversations with anyone from the
    Trump campaign about personal contacts with Russia, but I do clearly remember emphatically telling Papadopalos that I did not support his contacts with
    Russian operatives” Jeff Sessions

  • Covfefe

    Can anyone tell me who his fuck John Radcliffe is? He just said that he believe that Barack Obama is the worst president in the history of the United States. That would mean that he, as a Republican, believe Obama was worse than Bill, Billy Carter, Lyndon Johnson and FDR. What is this shit?

    • Anna Rompage

      Obama was a negro….

      • ((( Augustus )))

        “I ain’t no racist, I just don’t like ni*gers, is all”

    • cheetojeebus

      Considered one of the most conservative, if not the most conservative member of Congress.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Well, I think what he said was that it was the worst presidency for him. That makes sense, because being in a frothing rage all day because your racist, homophobic party was unable to defeat a black centrist would really get tiring.

  • jesterpunk

    Sessions cant even make it through a softball hearing without lying.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/xTiTnDC8WjdNqUPXnq/giphy.gif

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    I am answering your question!

    I am prepared to answer the question, but I won’t answer it,

  • Daniel

    “Jeff Sessions has his back ALL THE WAY up at your unkind suggestions that he is a common liar!”

    I love Indignant Offended Jeff Sessions. I even prefer him to Desperately Out of His Depth Jeff Sessions, which is when he looks like a six year old about to get a bollocking from his teacher for doing something minor but that to a six year old feels like the end of the world.

    • Tragic Typos

      He gets really bouncy when he’s angry.

  • memzilla Ω

    Who’s gonna bet that within a week there’ll be another reveal that Sessions had another meeting with a Russian?

    • Covfefe

      The week is reserved for little girls sharing ther adventures with Roy Moore. Let’s give Sessions two weeks.

      • CripesAmighty

        I like your methodology. We can just rotate Republican perfidy. This week, Pervert Parade, and next week we can get back to Liars and Traitors.

    • Roni Raven

      My vote is for emails and/or texts with G Papa.

  • IrishGrudge

    Wow. His answers seem to change by the minute. How is this not perjury?

    • Proud Liberal

      He’s having a hard time keeping his lies straight.

      • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

        So many to remember.

        • cmd resistor

          He should draw himself a little flowchart cheat sheet.

  • Josh Di Donato

    Sessions- “I’m prepared to answer the question, but-” I would like to figure out a way to still not.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Did Dickwipe just contradict himself?

    Expanded Edit: He said that he had no knowledge of anybody going to Russia, then he tells us that he specifically told Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber not to claim that they were representing anybody when they went, IIRC.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      yep.

    • Bobathonic

      It’s WateronthebrainGate.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Puts me in mind of Shatner claiming, ‘Mad Cow’ on Boston Law, wasn’t it?

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

    “Do you love Wikileaks?”

    “Maybe the Russians love their Wikileaks too?”

  • cheetojeebus

    Sessions can lie all he wants, the majority is never going to do anything about it, ever.

    • Skwerl the Taco Hunter

      You can tell by the corny questions they are throwing at him.

    • Josh Di Donato

      Unless the Democrats become the majority, with votes! Then, the majority will do many things, much justice!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “Sir, do you finally have no shame?”
    “Well, um, none that I can recall…”

  • SisterArtemis

    Ok, I haven’t even finished what liveblooging there is yet, but have to put MY two cents into the “Trey Gowdy’s Bad Hair Day” and say that I think, other than the scraggy sideburn thing, ol’ Trey should grow his locks down past his shoulders and pony-tail it like a Greenwich Village arteeeest. Much better than the previous look, which I think of as “skinny Uncle Fester.”
    https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/1600/1*pISygH8S58k6xRaBwEML8A.jpeg

  • Tragic Typos

    “My story has never changed except for the part where I said my story has never changed. And even that didn’t change…it’s just different.”

    • BosGrl

      “When you all find stuff out, you have to give me a chance to change mah story!”

    • Msgr_MΩment

      And he would have gotten away with it, too. If his staff had distributed all those tabs of acid before the Sessions session began.

  • Anne Of Green Bagels

    Sessions: I didn’t say half the things I said.

    • Teto85

      And di’nt think anything you thought I thunk.

  • Manhattan123

    At least Mrs. Sessions took the slip cover from the sofa out for a little airing today.

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      Oh snap no you d’int!

    • Roni Raven

      I snorted.

      • Courser_Resistance

        Same here, lol

    • Teto85

      You owe me a new keyboard!!!!

  • Shieldmaidenwannabe

    Question: Did you do XYZ?
    Thought process: I am good person. Good persons don’t do XYZ so I didn’t do XYZ.
    Answer: I do not recall.
    Alternative Answer: No.

  • Tragic Typos

    Also too, I liked the part where he said he would not conduct himself as a partisan as AG about five minutes after he looked at the Republican side of the room and referred to them (Republican members of the House) as his colleagues. I mean, there is only one way in which he could view them as colleagues and that’s as also-Republicans.

  • marxalot

    Bilbo Butterbeans gets so het up when you question his integrity. Just because there are numerous sources which have caught him categorically misremembering and reversing himself later. I ask you!

    • SisterArtemis

      Het-up Bilbo Butterbeans is really the only Butterbeans I like watching. I want the Dems to needle him good just to watch him get all riled up – it’s not like he’s going to actually answer the questions.

      • Teto85

        Yep. When do the Dems release the Franken on Bilbo’s sorry little a$$? I for one would love to see Tammy Duckworth or Kamala 2020 Harris get medieval on this little puissant, but sadly, they are on other committees.

  • SisterArtemis

    Well, this “Gotta go do Congress-things” break is BOOORRRRRINNGGG and I for one think Evan should be live blogging whatever chores he’s doing right now. Maybe via voice-activated typing, since it would be hard to actually get the chores done otherwise. Either that, or let Lula take over for a bit. What did YOU do today Lula? Are you a good dog? Of COURSE you are!

    • BosGrl

      I could live blog my insurance transcription, why the woman thought the other driver was turning left, when she was turning right, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      • RMKH

        “A lady driver signals left and then she makes a right.
        I hit her in the rumble seat. That isn’t so polite!” – Jerry Lewis song “Sunday Driving”

    • cmd resistor

      I hope he’s not exposing the dog to Jeff Sessions on TV.

    • puredog

      He’s just making some Keurig coffee. Nothing to see here.

  • memzilla Ω

    I wonder if anyone will ask Jefferson Keeblerelf Sessions about this?

    On Aug. 3 of last year, just as the US presidential election was entering its final, heated phase, the Russian foreign ministry sent nearly $30,000 to its embassy in Washington. The wire transfer, which came from a Kremlin-backed Russian bank, landed in one of the embassy’s Citibank accounts and contained a remarkable memo line: “to finance election campaign of 2016.”

    That wire transfer is one of more than 60 now being scrutinized by the FBI and other federal agencies investigating Russian involvement in the US election. The transactions, which moved through Citibank accounts and totaled more than $380,000, each came from the Russian foreign ministry and most contained a memo line referencing the financing of the 2016 election.

    • Meccalopolis

      da fuq?

    • BosGrl

      OK, so… they memo’d it with “2016 election”?

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Criminals want to get caught. Especially if they are also trolling.

    • JustDon’tSayConfabulation

      Color me skeptical. Why the FUCK would they write anything in the memo line?

      • BosGrl

        If they knew how stupid the recipient was, maybe?

        • CripesAmighty

          Because the only consequences are for the dumb American shlubs. They get to go haha, we get to fuck with your ‘democracy’ and ain’t shit you can do about it. Trolls will troll.

      • jesterpunk

        Because they dont care about getting caught they just want to mess with the US and weaken us?

        • Meccalopolis

          they didn’t even bother with a code word

          • jesterpunk

            Jr would have twitted it out anyway.

      • memzilla Ω

        Because it was another Russian Active Measures op. They’re not ham-fisted unless they intend to be. Remember, Russia never trusts traitors; they think if you turn against the country you were born in, you’ll certainly turn against them too, so they have no problem with throwing traitors under the bus.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Please, obviously Hillary wrote that.

      • Teto85

        To differentiate it from the funds going to the “Must catch Moose and Squirrel” account..

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Those Russians and their silly gallows humors! Such jokers!

  • BreakingDeadMen

    If Fahrenthold worked with a personal trainer for six months he could land the leading role in the live action version of Mad Magazine.

  • Suse
    • CripesAmighty

      Jeez, Bacall was fabulous. *sigh*

      • Suse

        Yesh.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        She thought so, too.

  • William
    • Msgr_MΩment

      That’s what SHE said.

    • cheetojeebus

      well, that’s one way to lite a cigar.

      • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

        Use lube, for God’s sake.

  • Zyxomma

    Really, you think the only thing wrong with Trey Gowdy is his HAIR??

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    I honestly don’t think that there’s much Gowdy can do with his hair that won’t look insane. He is basically a Cone Head.

    Yes, yes, I know. Dan Akroyd libel.

    • WatchHill

      Sometimes I feel I’ve got to Ehh Ehh run away…

  • Suse

    I wouldn’t want to meet Mother Sessions in a dark alley. She’s scary!

    • WatchHill

      She’s a hobbit.

      • Suse

        She reminds me of my mean old baby sitter, who still gives me nightmares.

    • IrishGrudge

      And also she was Mrs. Doubtfire’s stunt double.

  • Suse

    I lerve Ted Lieu!

    • Tiffany de Houston

      I lerves him too! He is a badass!

  • BosGrl

    Oooh, Ted, good question.

  • cheetojeebus

    Ted Lieu takes the gloves off. ” Liar.”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Boom! Did you lie then or are you lying now?

    • jesterpunk

      Yes?

  • IrishGrudge

    “That’s not fair!” He says! Haha, you tell em, Butterscotch! False truth!

  • Ω cynmac’s reclaiming her time

    Raw Story has more details about the Sessions’ perjury trial against the police officer that misremembered.
    https://www.rawstory.com/2017/11/watch-dem-lawmaker-nails-jeff-sessions-with-forgetting/

  • bbayliss

    Fetal tissue… chop ’em up feed ’em to yer cat!

    • gallbladder

      Just ask Carly.

  • bbayliss

    Enhance credible fear, as opposed to the incredible fear you win elections on.

  • gallbladder

    Praising Sessions for not reading the papers? Fuck off and die with that shit already.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I thought that was sarcasm

      • gallbladder

        Form an R? Not likely these days.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          too bad- I was giving him a tiny scintilla of respect, thinking it was

      • SisterArtemis

        lamestream media, doncha know

  • bbayliss

    good enemy of the people or best enemy of the people?

  • bbayliss

    most maximum?

  • bbayliss
  • Josh Di Donato

    Is it okay if I call this lady Congresswoman PayPal, just for a corny joke?

    • ((( Augustus )))

      I think it’s okay

  • bbayliss

    EMOLUMENTS!!!

  • DrBigHead

    Oh my god. As a nation, we are so fucked.

    • RMKH

      We would be fucked if these clowns were common “citizens”. The fact that they’re actual elected officials means we are fucked more than Russian pee hookers.

      • Ill-Advised

        And enjoying it even less.

  • Catstro

    Trey Gowdy looks like he forgot to put his dentures in

  • RMKH

    I know which half of the committee to cut! Pick me! Pick me!

  • bbayliss

    oopy forgot I paused. way behind…

  • WatchHill

    Whoa!!! I am loving Ms. Jayapal!!!

  • bbayliss

    Papadopoulos…just wanted to prove I can spell it.

  • bbayliss

    mr. sessions STFU, quit trying to stall.

  • BosGrl

    Why is she thanking Lady Sessions?

  • bbayliss

    Putin! inject!

  • Tragic Typos

    “I don’t recall” Attorney General Sessions said as he looked to his right.

  • Buzz1313

    Beautiful how these Republican morons spend time questioning Sessions about Hillary Clinton when they’re supposed to be getting to the bottom of this Russian meddling situation. It’s like they know Trump is guilty.

  • Josh Di Donato

    Sessions refusing to answer a question about Stephen Miller by invoking pseudo-backdoor executive privilege.

    • Josh Di Donato

      It’s just astonishing what a fucking weasel this creep is.

      • Ill-Advised

        He’s a model HR person. ALWAYS cover the ass of management. That’s the best way to stay out of court and keep your bonus. He should teach classes for SHRMA.

  • Suse
  • bbayliss

    MILLER (puke)…obstruction!
    can’t reveal…I’m working with Mueller

  • Suse

    Mother Seesions has been raptured!?

    • bbayliss

      years ago.

  • BigCSouthside

    Guys good news. Jeff said he never did perjury so I guess we can put that behind us

  • bbayliss

    Russia…nothing to see here.

  • bbayliss

    Despite glaring evidence you lied , did you lie?

    • Indeniable Ron

      ‘I don’t remember.’

  • Josh Di Donato

    Schneider: What are you doing to protect our next elections?
    Sessions: I’m not aware of what we’re doing. But we’ve been super busy with lots of things.

    • Daniel

      So many things I’ve already forgotten everything else I was doing while we were doing them.

  • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

    Free exercise=ability to discriminate. Cool, cool things I didn’t know about the first amendment.

    • gallbladder

      Just ask Pence.

    • BigCSouthside

      Also didn’t know it meant private citizens and institutions have to give every idea equal time despite how ludicrous it may be

      • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

        Sessions has so much to teach us.

      • jesterpunk

        So that means I can go on Fox and start using facts and logic and they have to keep me on air and let me talk?

        • Indeniable Ron

          Yes, but they’re allowed to shout at you and point the cameras at whichever bimbo is handy so you don’t get heard.

      • Ill-Advised

        Fair Something Something equal time Something that used to require that. A law, that was. Quaint things, laws. They come, they go, who can explain it?

  • Josh Di Donato

    Labrador asks about what we can do to protect religious liberty. The religious have been oppressed for too long!

    • Timothy Watson

      Why, sir, I do believe we have a whole amendment for that, sir!

  • Suse

    Mother is back!

  • Cat Cafe

    So, how mean do you have to be inside, to voluntarily look like Mrs. Sessions? To have that be your best hair, your best dress, the best way you can get your face to look? I know it’s not entirely fair, but it is possible to look like this at 70: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2e28a945760d7f334e59100b51671461a5d0c60e7b6fc5614ea750eafd174b6b.png https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b7970f6a11704537f8bef7458161b5c9f7dd7f7d474b9590250f3ce7af1d5dea.jpg

    • bbayliss

      Alabama is the answer to your question.
      Matter of fact Sessions could have answered every question… alabama

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      After a while your character begins to show up with your wrinkle lines. Smoking, frowning, squinting, turning your mouth down in a sneer all the time.
      Plus all those days you spent at the beach as a young thing.

    • J. M. Tusks, Esq.

      Mrs. Sessions is what happens when you give all the way the fuck up.

      • Cat Cafe

        Yes, exactly. And have a mean, twisted inside.

  • memzilla Ω

    Roby and Sessions. Jeezuz, get a room you two!

    • Suse

      Jinx!

      • H0mer0

        is that how you spell “Jaysus”?

  • Suse

    Is this Jeffy’s girlfriend? She’s salivating all over him.

  • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

    We too have correspondent at Senate Judiciary hearings. https://twitter.com/DPRK_News/status/930519825985818624

    • Indeniable Ron

      These guys are so very, very good at snark.

      • IdiokraticKulturKommissar

        Now with an extra 20% increase in inscrutability!

  • Suse

    Icky love fest!

    • Roni Raven

      I need a shower.

  • Does any of these GOP idiots know how to pronounce “Important”?

    There are two ‘T’s

  • Suse

    It’s Gomer! “You was mistreated!”

    • bbayliss

      oh fuck I can’t.

  • Indeniable Ron

    FFS, Jeff, this isn’t a pop quiz, you KNEW it was coming. Are you genuinely hiding Trumpish shit or just incredibly, incredibly stoopid?

    • bbayliss

      facts in evidence

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    REPRESENTATIVE ROBY: Mr. Sessions, I wish you had been the District Attorney of my small Alabama town when I was a teenager

    • puredog

      “. . .that is, of course, if I couldn’t have Roy Moore.” Doesn’t this guy even realize that towns don’t have DAs, COUNTIES have DAs?

  • BigCSouthside

    Gohmert is really stupid

    • Alienist

      This understatement is so enormous it has collapsed into a black hole and threatens to consume the internet.

    • jesterpunk

      Is that a general statement or did he say something today?

      • BigCSouthside

        He was just on. He brought a chart showing how Rosenstein sold all the uranium under obama and Hillary’s orders

    • bbayliss

      stoopid more stoopider most stoopidust ever

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      And his name just seems like a misspelling. Gohmert? WTF is that?
      Polish? Dutch?
      Edit: Gohmert=The Gorm!

      • bbayliss

        stupidistan

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Booger in some foreign language.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    This fucker (Sessions, not Evan) has got Mueller paranoia. Keebler knows that he has already perjured himself and he is determined not to do it again, thus all the “I don’t remember” bullshit. Hopefully Mueller will arrest him soon so we won’t have to hear this awful, awful man ever again.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      He could stand up there in front of that Congress, admit to perjury, and dare them to do something, and the Republican majority will do nothing.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        “He should recuse himself if what we know is true is actually true.” Would be their cry. They are an unscrupulous bunch.

  • CripesAmighty

    Did Louie print his ‘circles in circles’ conspiracy chart off Alex Jones’ nutsite? Just asking the question.

  • William
  • Suse
  • Covfefe

    I want to apologize to the Attorney General for criticizing meeting with the Russia. Ambassador in September, 2016, because Mr. Sessions explained this meeting was about the Russian invasion of Ukraine and not about the US election. At all. Didn’t come up. Because what could a discussion about the invasion of Ukraine have to do with Russian support for Donald Trump?

  • Roni Raven

    BABY BODY PARTS!
    Mmmmm I’m getting hungry

  • Indeniable Ron

    I am very disappointed. I was expecting Jeffty to stamp his widdle foot and shout ‘I DIDN’T COME HERE TO BE ASKED A LOT OF QUESTIONS!’ hours ago.

  • Roni Raven

    BUT HILLARY!!!!!!!!

    That’s it, guys. Hillary was clearly on the grassy knoll.

    • Indeniable Ron

      School field trip?

    • And she was involved in Teapot Dome!!!11!!

  • Indeniable Ron

    ‘How dare you call me a liar just because of all the times I lied! Have you no decency?’

  • BigCSouthside

    Wow Trent Franks with a MASSIVE lie.

    This entire hearing was for the republicans to set the stage to fire Mueller.

    He’ll be fired by Jan 1

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      It won’t make this go away. They could have buried it before Trumpfired Comey, but not now.

      • Indeniable Ron

        Nope, it’ll just make them investigate harder.

    • LadyLaz

      Wot?

  • Daniel

    Oh there’s a chart? Why didn’t you tell me about the chart?

  • bbayliss

    Mayflower hotel meeting? didn’t come up.

  • gallbladder

    Is Gohmert trying to make a pass at Sessions? Get a fucking room already.

  • Indeniable Ron

    Now I’m bored. I wonder what else is on?

  • BeverlyCrusher’sWig

    Thank you for just being you, Mr. Sessions. You’re eyes light up the sky and I could not love someone more. I just have one question for you. Please answer A or B. A. Are you lying? Or B. Are you just this stupid?

    Sessions: I don’t recall *garble garble garble* (flash smile send them that country charm)

  • susan_g

    Took a break and checked this out just in time to hear some Louisiana peckerwood ask Sessions if he could begin an investigation into Planned Parenthood as they are selling baby/fetus parts for profit. Squirrel!

    • bbayliss

      Wasn’t the first time today.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    WTF just happened? I just woke up from a coma and I think I’m better off for it.

    • bbayliss

      We just witnessed what passes for governance today and we are broken, wounded, and in despair.

      • SisterArtemis

        My only question is whether it’s permisable to break out the gin as long as I pinkie-promise not to work on a client …

        • bbayliss

          Live a little.

        • Maybe they want to share?

  • Resistor Radio

    Evan is a saint among men for doing this all day.

    • SisterArtemis

      A saint who makes us laugh – what could be better?

  • SeeTrain65

    Matt “Dead Mackerel” Gaetz.

    I was going to say I wondered if that was his “O” face, but … ALL THE NOS.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3b744e0643a324d7c60e00f93329646dbcfebd87cb6dc8ace12fdf72a1a0046e.gif

  • SeeTrain65

    “I HAVE A CHART!”

    A quick message to Jordan Klepper:

    YOU NEED TO STEP UP YOUR GAME TO RUN WITH THIS LUNATIC.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Oftentimes I will listen to boring voices tell meandering, disconnected stories so my mind will stop racing and I can sleep.

    This Sessions Session is like a Godsend for insomnia.

  • LadyLaz

    wait. what about Lieu. He put the pain on Sessions. What happened to that. Unless the twitter is lying to me.

  • GoutMachine

    NYT headline: Trump Shatters Longstanding Norms by Pressing for Clinton Investigation

    Hey, Grey Lady: It’s called fascism. Fascism is the word you’re looking for.

  • Donna Mueller

    …dig that picture of “FLOUNDER” @ 12:48-“FAT, DRUNK AND STUPID IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE, SON!!!”

  • armed_bears

    I know my plans for WonkTV have not been greeted with… well, anything. Nevertheless, here is my newest elevator pitch:

    The cast of MST3K reads Evan’s live blogs!!1!

    Genius. Yes?

  • SITTING ON A PARK BENCH
    EYEING LITTLE GIRLS WITH BAD INTENT
    SNOT RUNNING DOWN HIS NOSE
    GREASY FINGERS SMEARING SHABBY CLOTHES…

    HEY, JUDGE ROY MOORE!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0jMPI_pUec

  • Aaron Wise

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=5&v=6qdpLpK0PMI
    You guys missed the best parts, as it were…

    Incredible

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Holy Mother of Murgatroyd.

  • Do you think that when Sessions returns to the shire after work the other hobbits shun him?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      He is Ted Sandyman.

      Bannon is Lotho (Pimple) Sackville-Baggins.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    In our zeal to think the worst of this servant of man and God and law, is it not impossible to think we might be bring unfair to him? Perhaps he is not the liar he appears to be, and his off invoked inability to recall is early onset dementia.

  • shocktreatment

    “I been lyin’ tuh these lunks for months, an’ it don’t even hurt, not even a little!”
    Twerp McPerjury

  • rubikcube

    He is just a forgetful little devil, isn’t he?

  • BJW

    Imagining Jeff Sessions and the missus parking and making out is still LESS HORRIFIC than seeing Steve Bannon picture. Still traumatized.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Objection.

      There is no evidence to indicate that Jeff Sessions and the missus ever made out.

      Is there any evidence that Jeff Sessions and Vladimir Putin ever made out?

      Ah fergits.

      • BJW

        LOL. I accede to your statement. But I was just semi imagining it and nope, I’ve been scarred from too many unexpected Bannon pics popping up to care. UGH.

  • To sum up: Mr. Sessions said he could not remember much about Russian influence on the Trump campaign, except when he could block such influence.

    Liar liar pants on 🔥
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/5xtDarzp5at2qwSTYoo/200w_s.gif

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Query: Which would you rather look in the face?

    A. Death

    or

    B. Mary Blackshear Sessions

    Take your time.

    • I’ve thought about it for a while and am going with death.

    • Vacuous Virgina

      C. Cake 😄😄😄

    • Freida Peeple

      In the immortal words of Al Bundy “I WELCOME DEATH.”

  • Lucas Foxx

    Thanks for watching that. “I am not a devil weeder!”

  • I, for one, am greatly heartened by how much progress we have made in governance since Caligula was Emperor.

  • blaid droog

    It’s amazing how many republicans get away with the ray gun defense, when testifying under oath. I’m brain dead and don’t recall. I’m brain dead and nobody tells me nothin. I’m brain dead and my wife is responsible for everything I say. I’m brain dead, when do I get paid for the show I’m putting on.

    • mardam422

      He’s the fucking Attorney General of the United States, for fuck’s sake. What else doesn’t he remember?

  • Mary

    Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
    On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It Sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !fe313d:
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  • chicken thief

    Mah main man Louie Gohmert should have been the lead in the article. Fuck that Elmer Fudd looking motherfucker Jeff Sessions.

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