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House Intel Committee Chair Devin Nunes is bored, everyone. He’s “recused” from his committee’s investigation into an actual scandal, the Trump campaign’s (likely possibly ongoing) collaboration with Russia. Of course, he’s been doing his own “Russia investigation” into fake “wire tapps” and (completely legal) “unmasking” of Trump people done by “Obama people.” Oh, and he’s been harassing British spy Christopher Steele. But AW NUTS, Congress S-U-X if you can’t investigate Hillary Clinton. Like, that is the entire reason Nunes and fellow Republican Trey Gowdy spring morning wood in the morning, and the reason they get morning wood all the other times of the day. It is a science fact that every time you see Nunes or Gowdy on television, even if it is beer-thirty, they have morning wood about investigating Hillary Clinton.

Also, Devin Nunes is a literal cum dumpster (metaphorically speaking) for Donald Trump, and Trump has been toilet-tweeting things about how we need to investigate HILLARY for doing URANIUMS to RUSSIA because ALL CAPS ILLITERATE WORD SALAD WET FARTS. Devin Nunes is a very stupid man, so he considers Trump’s tweets to be marching orders, edicts from God, and also strangely sexually arousing.

So! To that effect, Nunes announced Tuesday that the House Intelligence Committee and the House Oversight Committee will join together in the bonds of holy Hillary hate, and investigate Hillary Clinton, because none of these men have anything to live for if they’re not investigating Hillary Clinton:

Rep. Devin Nunes announced Tuesday that the House Intelligence Committee will investigate the 2010 U.S.-Russia-Uranium deal struck under then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Nunes, who chairs the committee, said they have “been looking into this for a while now” and have been receiving information from various sources about the uranium deal for “the last several months.”

Has he been receiving information from “various sources” inside Donald Trump’s pee hole? Because that is where most of Devin Nunes’s “various sources” live.

Additionally, House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte and House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Trey Gowdy announced a joint investigation into the Obama FBI’s handling of the Clinton email probe during the 2016 campaign.

SQUEEEEEEEE! JIZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Want to see an actual picture of Devin Nunes from the presser?

Want to see an actual picture of Trey Gowdy? He wasn’t at the presser because he was washing his nipples or something, but Wonkette was able to snap a paparazzi shot:

Now, the actual news on Tuesday was that Senator Bob Corker started the day calling Trump an unhinged, lying cum sock (and one million other mean things) and Senator Jeff Flake ended the day by announcing that, because Donald Trump is a stupid, rude troll baby from the most incompetent ring of hell, he’s retiring at the end of his term. This way he can spend the next 18 months taking a shit on Trump without worrying about re-election. (Yes, #HotTakers, he will probably still vote for a lot of bad things! Flake didn’t announce he was going to stop being a conservative, kids.)

Also Tuesday, Donald Trump had lunch with the GOP senators. He ate rice and also two slices of cherry pie, because whichever one of his nannies drove him to the Capitol said he couldn’t have pie until he had some rice.

Wanna guess what the Fox News website looked like Tuesday afternoon?

Want to see a picture from the Fox News studios right now?

To be clear, the Hillary uranium thing is a hilariously self-debunking bullshit conspiracy from the deepest bowels of wingnuttia. Several months back, while we were reading Trump idiot Kayleigh McEnany for dumbass filth, we noted when she brought up the Hillary Uranium Benghazi Non-troversy that you could debunk the “scandal” by CLICKING ON HER SOURCE LINKS. THE ONES SHE USED. FOR THE PIECE SHE WROTE ABOUT IT. It’s a bullshit claim from the make-believe book Clinton Cash, which was funded by Breitbart, and which was pretty much solidly debunked before it was published.

Wanna read Politifact’s takedown, which rates the conspiracy as “pants full of bullshit,” or whatever they call lies over there? DO IT.

Wanna read FactCheck.org, which rates the conspiracy as “disgusting Pinocchio orgy”? DO IT.

The Daily Beast has a bit more about what Nunes will be “investigating”:

The Hill reported last week that the FBI had been investigating a bribery plot among Russian nuclear officials before President Obama approved the [uranium] deal, which gave Moscow a majority stake in a firm owning much of American uranium. There is no evidence that Sec. Clinton knew about any investigation—and whether it even existed is, Nunes said, a part of this new probe’s focus, despite being simultaneously foundational to it …

Sounds just great, Liddle’ Devin.

As for the new “investigation” Gowdy and his cow-tipping buddies will be undertaking, we’d give you more context, but you can see from above that it is BUT HER EMAILS!!111!!!!11!!11! (We will say, though, that it dovetails nicely with how Trump has been accusing the FBI of treason lately.)

Keep fucking those chickens, boys. And if you get bored, we suppose you can switch places and fuck each other’s chickens, as you seem to enjoy that right nicely. Or if one of you finishes first, go help your buddy out and EIFFEL TOWER HIS CHICKEN, Y’ALL!

Of course, this is all a distraction. These fucking goons must know special counsel Robert Mueller is getting REALLY CLOSE to annihilating their orange Hitler wannabe sugar daddy in the White House, so they’re hitting the panic button. Literally nothing will come of it, because A) there is no “there” there and B) even if there were, these men are remarkably stupid.

But they’ll waste a whole shit-ton of America’s time and taxpayer money in the process! So … #WINNING?

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[The Daily Beast]

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