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Have YOU heard the good news of Vegan Baby Buttholes? Yodel in joy!

Jack Chick, the great cartoonist who brought us lightbulb-headed God and the kids who became actual witches by playing Dungeons and Dragons, may be dead, but that doesn’t mean his publishing empire has stopped churning out little 5-inch pamphlets full of hellfire and sanctimony. With Halloween coming up, you know that that means! For a certain part of the Jesus-obsessed community — the people who leave waitstaff Bible tracts disguised as 20-dollar bills instead of money because the best “tip” of all is You’ve Got To Be Saved! — National Candy Extortion Day is just one more chance to share the good news that you don’t have to go to Hell.

So of course Chick Publications has the answer for folks who worry Halloween may be a Satanic festival, but figure they may as well use The Enemy’s holiday against him: A whole page of their website with suggestions for saving souls on Halloween! And yes, our featured pic is real (though slightly modified): In ChickWorld, the problem really is that people have simply never heard of Jesus, and once they do, in the form of a dopey comic book, they will change their lives completely. The page explains:

This Halloween, many unsaved children will come to your door seeking a treat.

Many have no understanding of who Jesus is or the price He paid for them on the cross. As Christians, we do know!

So, let’s not be silent but honor our Lord and use this once-a-year opportunity to reach kids and their parents with the gospel. It’s so easy!

You’ll love the reactions on the kids’ faces when they see you’re giving out candy AND CARTOONS! Simply drop a tract or two and some candy into their bags and you’ll be giving the gospel to kids and their families without leaving home.

Credit where it’s due: At least Chick Publications is smart enough to mention, throughout the page, that tracts are a supplement to, not a substitute for, candy. Crom only knows how many eggings and TP-ings that suggestion may have prevented. The nice folks at Chick even have some presentation suggestions to make the message go down a little easier:

Serving suggestion. Flakes enlarged to show texture.

We clicked on the linky to see the other five Halloween Witnessing ideas, but they were kind of boring, like this festive suggestion:

Nothing draws trick-or-treaters like a group of adults sitting around a fire, handing out Jebus tickets. Notice that this one forgets the candy. Happily, this suggestion does at least offer kids a place to toss their unwanted preachy comics.

The remaining suggestions are just sort of pathetic: Go around distributing comics to your neighbors (“tract or treat!”) or set up a table full of tracts at “your church’s harvest festival” — because your church certainly wouldn’t have a Halloween party, and you do have to celebrate the bountiful harvest that sprang from your annual observance of The Lottery in June (“corn corn be heavy soon!”).

Still, there’s one suggestion that could be fun for any family:

Dress as a Bible character:

“This year I dressed up as Queen Esther. While I placed a tract in their bag I said, ‘I am Queen Esther. I have a book in the Bible. Read it when you get home if you want to know my story.'” G.T., Email

That one’s not a total loss: if you had a team and put some effort into decorating, you could be Elisha and the She-Bears of Vengeance:

just imagine the fun of a bunch of tykes coming upon the scattered bones of those insolent youths who mocked a prophet! They sure won’t be yelling “Go on up, you baldhead!” at YOU!

And golly, just LOOK at these Facebook testimonials from real people who aren’t making them up at all:

Yep, those kids ignored the candy, you bet. But at least these folks live in a neighborhood where people teach their kids not to litter.

The page has a whole slew of suggested tracts to order for your Halloween Salvation Extravaganza, including some cheery little comics that really are written for children, like “The Little Ghost,” in which an unnamed little girl sets two friends straight about spiritual matters:

See how she channels Judge Roy Moore there? It’s in the Gospel! (No it isn’t)

There’s also the story of “The Little Princess,” a dying girl who wants to go trick-or-treating one last time, and wouldn’t you know it, the last house she has the strength to get to is handing out big helpings of Jesus, so she gets saved before she dies. But what about her parents? Will no one think of the parents?

Thank goodness, Heidi’s parents, who have reached adulthood in America without ever hearing of this Jesus guy, get set straight, and so the comic has a happy ending: Their daughter dies and goes BOING! right into the arms of an angel:

There are a whole bunch of others, like “Happy Halloween,” in which a trio of badly-drawn kids are so scared by a haunted house that they run outside — right into traffic! Timmy, who didn’t take Sunday school seriously, is killed by a car, then goes to Hell, but there’s a happy ending: the Sunday school teacher tells Timmy’s friend Bobby about Jesus, and Bobby gets saved!

Since you can’t copyright a title, Robert Kirkman can’t sue over “The Walking Dead,” in which a guy who has nightmares about zombies realizes that without Jesus, we’re ALL The Walking Dead. And apparently our heart is Negan:

There’s also “Spooky,” where the big tough guy who makes the scariest haunted house every year realizes, after a little neighbor boy dares him to go to church with him, that Hell is the scariest place of all, so he begs Jesus not to throw him into the fiery pit:

Theologically, we’re not sure that’s the best argument for Christianity; we’d always learned in Catechism that God wants you because you love Him, not because you’re just afraid of eternal punishment, but then we were raised Catholic, and we ate the DEATH COOKIE, so don’t listen to us.

Finally, there’s this 100% historically accurate history of Halloween, from “BOO!”:

And that’s the REAL meaning of Halloween, Charlie Brown! That comic, for little kids, also features a fun sacrifice of a cute kittycat by the local cult:

Get out your crayons! Also, check out some insane creationist Halloween fodder, as reviewed by Wonkette’s Own Robyn Pennacchia at another site that isn’t us.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. CLICK HERE to give us money, and we’ll have you saying “Oh, Jesus” all year.

[Chick Publications]

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  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    I’ll dress up as a Bible character. Ima go as the Chick from Ezekial 23:20

    There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

    • So she craves a donkey schlong that emits horse jizz? I don’t get it.

      I regret not asking these questions in Sunday school.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        If ever I go to a major sporting outfit, Ima bring a placard with Ezekial 23:20 printed on it.

        • I like your style. :)

        • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

          Someone suggested that Starbucks print this on cups this Christmas to appease the Jesus blowers that are whining about the lack of Jesus on coffee cups…

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            I like it!

      • Donna Mueller

        yeah-the nuns i knew would have lined up to answer that one!!!!!!! LMAO

    • wide_stance_hubby

      And we shall just not ask how they know so much about donkey dicks and horse jizz.

  • Jesus fuck.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Gentiles……..

  • chascates

    Stiff me with this BS instead of candy and you’ll have a Halloween you can tell your grandkids about.

    • Paul

      Screw soaping windows, those houses deserve some ski wax. Do they still sell the silver stuff? Soap washes right off. But ski wax is forever.

      • willi0000000

        candles . . . and they’re cheaper.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      “…and then they filled the pumpkins with gasoline and shot them with a flare gun..”

  • msanthropesmr

    Yaaa

    He’s k illing everybody

    Sploink
    Kapow!
    Fooooosheeeeee
    bOOIoIoIpnghhhh
    fasszam!
    Fonebone

    • Raan

      Kaputnik?

      • msanthropesmr

        potrzebie

        • Guest Liberal

          Gesundheit.

        • data_ninja

          Kaflooey

        • Werewolf

          Fershlugginer.

          • onedollarjuana

            Hoo Hah.

      • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

        Meshuggenuh

    • Edith Prickly

      A million upfists for the Don Martin sound effects. http://www.dialbforblog.com/archives/398/

  • memzilla Ω

    Any ideas what the Venn diagram would look like between houses that give out Chick Tracts and houses that receive burning bags of dogshit on their porches?

    • Raan

      It’s a tight one. There’s very little that doesn’t overlap.

    • Toledo Window Box

      One big circle.

  • Raan
    • Toledo Window Box

      Yay! I’m dead!!

      • H0mer0

        As If!

  • Gigglesnort

    If I got greeted by a faceless angel, I just might go run back down to the other place.

    • msanthropesmr

      The one that gives out full size Snicker bars?

      • willi0000000

        that house only exists as an urban legend.

  • Guest Liberal

    The fairies are mischievous this time of year. Don’t forget to make your sacrifices!

  • memzilla Ω
    • OutOfOrbit

      such a heel!

      • H0mer0

        my cat usually attacks the shoe with my foot still in it.

        • HooverVilles

          I’m familiar with that too!

          • H0mer0

            [your avatar is totes adorbs]

          • HooverVilles

            Thanks!

    • Toledo Window Box

      “I had to quit the Catholics, because they were after my soul..”

    • Ellie

      Is that Basement Cat?

      • HooverVilles

        Sure ain’t Ceiling Cat.

    • HooverVilles

      Tee he he he.
      You maka teh Ceiling Cat laugh!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    The Xtians have such a good argument. Do it my way or burn in flames for eternity. Um, no. Thanks, but no.
    It’s hard to believe the numbers of mainstream xtians is dropping with fun rhetoric like that, isn’t it?

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Well, the entire religion is based in threats, so there you go…

  • King Beauregard

    My first Jack Chick tract was a “Big Daddy” I got on Halloween in 1980 or so.

    As a good Catholic kid I was immediately able to recognize their theology was misguided and completely failed to acknowledge the importance of the Sacraments.

    I used to give Rapture postcards to friends, this’un; it’s a classic. Even got a Rapture place mat where I stationed the cat’s food, so that he could think about his spirituality while he ate:

    http://www.armageddonbooks.com/print.jpg

    • Stephen King’s The Rapture.

      • King Beauregard

        Hot Wheels “Rapture” action playset. Airplane sold separately.

        • data_ninja

          I just saw the airplane in the pic now. Was this inspired by 9/11 or was it made before it?

          • wide_stance_hubby

            Maybe it inspired 9/11. . .irresponsible not to speculate. . .

          • King Beauregard

            Decades before: I became aware of it in 1987, and by that point it was “classic” art.

            People have told me it looks like the Oklahoma City skyline, by the way.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Be pure. Rapture!

    • puredog

      A favorite bumper sticker has always been “In Case of Your Rapture, Can I Have Your Car?”

      • willi0000000

        when you take the car, remember to read the address on the registration . . . it might be a nice house too.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      My first was a Big Daddy, too.

      OH! I read that more closely. Nevermind.

      • King Beauregard

        Oops, that sounded bad. What I meant to say was, when I got to the door they dipped their fist in chocolate and shoved it up my ass, while I read the “Big Daddy” tract. Get your mind out of the gutter please.

        • wide_stance_hubby

          I cannot live in the above-gutter atmosphere.

    • nothingisamiss

      I remember this postcard. And now I notice that everyone is wearing white so I’ve narrowed the rapture down to “before labor day.”

    • doktorzoom

      I first saw this in the ’80s, and only now does it occur to me the plane is grossly out of scale… If it’s supposed to be a commercial jet it’s too small, if it’s a private plane it seems too large…

      • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

        Maybe it’s a business jet, like a Gulfstream?

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III
      • King Beauregard

        Twenty years ago I heard of a prank played in a college dorm against an annoying Rapture believer. All it required was some piles of clothing, a camera flash, and people capable of saying “oh my god they just disappeared!” I’m sure you can work out the details.

        Similarly, next time there’s another Rapture prediction, put some piles of clothes outside a church. Some eyeglasses and wallets make it look extra authentic.

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    Halloween started in the British Isles with the Druids

    https://youtu.be/BjJMyOMxK9w

    • Guest Liberal

      Samhain has evolved into a candy giveaway in the US, but it’s survived nonetheless.

  • TJ Barke
    • wide_stance_hubby

      He looks blazed.

      • Guest Liberal

        Jessy only smokes Holy Shit..

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Viking Jesus wants to talk to you about AmWay.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    They think atheists are evil, bad people, but you don’t see atheists stiffing waitstaff with fake $20s and giving kids bibble comics instead of candy. Just sayin’.

    • Vincent Ricola

      This right here.

  • Sitting next to a bonfire with a big stack of tracts does sound like a fun way to spend Halloween, not to mention a great way to teach kids how to treat dishonest, fearmongering religious tracts with the respect they deserve.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Factor in a cooler of beer and some primo bud and that does sound perfect!

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    “Have you found Jesus?”

    Is that Motherfucker lost *again*? Tie a string to his wrist, will ya’?

    • Marion in Savannah

      Look behind the couch — that’s where I found him last time.

      • PubOption

        Looks like a young Julian Clary.

    • Raan

      Put a fuckin’ bell around his neck once you find him.

    • Guest Liberal

      Jesus is coming! So, look busy..

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Jesus is coming, get a towel!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      I got tired of looking for him, so I saved him as a Favorite!

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I have him on a flash drive.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Jesus saves souls. Redeems them for valuable prizes!

    • Zippy W Pinhead
    • data_ninja

      He’s with Nemo and Waldo. They’re all looking for Carmen Sandiego.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      On Wednesday, I found Jesus out front with a leaf blower.

      Okay, that’s terrible, I know.

    • willi0000000
    • Paul

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

      I’ve got a T-shirt:

      I FOUND JESUS
      He was hiding in the kitchen.
      He made you a sandwich.
      He’s AWESOME like that.

      Most folks don’t seem to think it is as amusing as I do. Fuuuuuuuck them.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        HAHAH! I love it!

        • Paul

          Thought you might.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      “I found him, I have Jesus in the trunk!” –George Carlin–

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        xD

  • msanthropesmr

    That sheriff should be saying “open the door long hair!”

  • Vincent Ricola

    I’m handing out handguns, Viagra pills, and abstinence pamphlets this year because I live in America. Hail Satan?

  • King Beauregard

    Halloween Party idea: dress as Jack Chick characters. No LARPing because that could get insufferable fast, though some subtle character nods might be nice (like if you’re the Dungeon Mistress from that D&D one, you can “declare” people this or that.)

  • TJ Barke

    I woke up with a fucking horrible crick in my neck. It makes me want to break things…

    • Marion in Savannah

      Oh, owwwch. I hate those. Drag out the heating pad and feel better soon.

  • msanthropesmr

    “tis the devil himself!”
    I’m so scared I shit myself and lost the ability to speak in modern English.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall
    • TJ Barke

      That is a stellar solution.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Leave the tracts at the church. Surely no one has ever heard of Jesus there.

    • data_ninja

      Leave the tracts, take the cannoli.

      • Eileen Besse

        THIS!!

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Make your own tracts. Find obscure verses from the holey babble and interpret them in the weirdest ways. Leave them at the church. It just might force some of the church-goes to actually read the fucking thing.

      Naw, that’s probably unpossible.

      • Werewolf

        “‘Then slew they the goats, yea, and put they the bits into tiny pots.’ Here endeth the lesson.”

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    UM…

    Regarding tip #6, IDK for sure but I suspect I’m not the only kid at heart whose first thought was to use those tracts to keep the fire going. These folks haven’t thought this through, have they?

    • msanthropesmr

      I imagine that this are so cheaply printed that they end up being a smoky heavy metal filled mess when burned.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      My first thought at that suggestion was it sounded like an updated version of the panel van with “Free Candy” written on the side.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Go around distributing comics to your neighbors

    “Honey, was that the door?”

    “Don’t answer it–that’s the weirdo who lives down the street!”

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I hadn’t even completely unpacked my boxes from moving to my small town before the long-haired, t-shirts-over-jean-skirts brigade of fundies showed up at the door to invite me to their church. For fuck’s sake.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        I like putting on Black lipstick and browsing the Christian thrift store.

        • The Librarian

          I went to one of those once where the money went to shameless hussies who became unwed mothers. I was happy to purchase something to help those women, but I also never laughed so hard in my life at their book section.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            This. The one in my neighborhood helps Children in need. I find cute things in there at times, and a few history books. The rest are hilariously preachy screeds, tho.

            Honestly, I found Size 5 shorts that frame my butt exquisitely. That’s what I had on when Prince Charming made his approach the other day. Thank you, Christian Thrift Store.

          • notaten

            I bought a little glass bowl for my cat at the Christian thrift store the other day. The nice lady Wes wrapping it with newspaper that had a big picture of trump. She says, hope you don’t mind the picture, so I said nope, it will be that much more satisfying when I throw it in the fire. Her response was well, I think we know that he’s going to burn eventually.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            OOoh, Nice one, Christian Lady. :)

          • The Librarian

            Lol, now that’s a success story! My friend who was I with (him being of the gay persuasion) showed me a tract about how to help people with HIV. It was so thin, I asked him if all it said was “Ha, ha you lose”. We both lost it and laughed till we cried. I ended up buying it to see what it actually said and it was as horrifying as you might imagine.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            Yikes.

            One lady that works there said she’d “pray for you to stop hiding from God”.

            I just smile at her.

          • The Librarian

            Good for you. No one is hiding as far as I can tell. Just not buying into the fable without some proof of existence. So far, not happening.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            Exactly.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            How the feck can one hide from an omnicient god?

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            By being Bi and Trans* rather than what Nice Ladies want me to be.

          • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

            Now, if God is an omniscient being, how are folks supposed to hid from him? Playing hide and seek with God can be a bitch…

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I give rides to a friend who can’t drive because of medical reasons. Both of us being in open marriages, we also have sex on a regular basis.

            Her very conservative brother offered to pay for a hotel room in his town if she could get a ride to attend his daughter’s final vows to become a nun. Knowing that the conservative Catholic brother was paying for the room made the sex so much hotter.

            She also took a book of raffle tickets for her church’s festival, and he bought the whole book and won $200. He used that money to pay for the hotel room.

            Knowing that the Church of the Immaculate Conception ended up paying for our hotel room made the sex so, so, sweet.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            I like you. :) We shall get along.

          • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

            For a sec, I thought he hit on you *in* the thrift store… which would have been outstanding…

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            It has happened…but no one as Beautiful as Prince Charming. xD

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          I can just imagine what might happen were I to try doing that!

          I’m tempted.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            xD

      • richardgrabman

        When the young Baptists showed up to invite me to singles night, I politely declined by telling them I’d go, but my boyfriend was a Catholic priest. The puzzled look on their faces was priceless.

        • Eileen Besse

          THIS!!!

        • Celtic_Gnome

          The local Baptists offered the offspring candy to go to their church. We put our foot down since we consider raising a child Baptist is a form of child abuse.

    • willi0000000
  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • New and Improved Say Wha

      Say, you know who else used a fire with books nearby to create curiosity?

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Ray Bradbury?

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          The temperature in Hell is precisely 451 F.

      • Mary Theresa

        Pastor Terry Jones?

      • Bad Scooter

        a Nationalist-minded regime that burned books as part of a campaign to convince people that their ideology should not be challenged? it was, like, 1930-something, so i can’t remember their name, but good thing we learned our lesson and nowadays we denounce people for trying to squash the philosophical notions of others they do nazi eye-to-eye with!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Just how in the actual fuck could one POSSIBLY live in U.S. America in 2017 without hearing about this jeebus feller? For fuck’s sake, that would be paradise. Where do I go to sign up for that?

    • shivaskeeper

      You have heard about all the false Jesus stuff. If you are not on board with their particular sect, you are still hellbound.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        There’s a Baptist church in my town that thought Billy Graham was going to Hell because he wasn’t a true Christian. Billy Graham!

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      They are brainwashed into thinking that everybody but them and their church needs to be savedbrainwashed. Christains are a malignancy.

  • The Librarian

    Lol, I ain’t afraid of no ghosts! Nor the devil either. I’m more afraid for any neighbor that would spread all that religious nonsense since I would likely get in their face and cackle like a scary witch while I demonized them with facts. Loved that video, also too.

  • Just Noh

    what in freja’s name is on the kid’s forehead in the header? he’s a pirate with a watermelon forehead? he’s a pirate with his brain exposed? he’s a pirate in a hat, pretending to wear a bandana? xians are odd.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Yeah. I noticed that. I was thinking red fruitcake. That kid is being a Red Fruitcake Pirate on Halloween.

      Creative, that.

    • Daniel

      It’s a painted bandana which made me wonder why the fuck would you paint that rather than using an actual bandana?

      • Just Noh

        and put a hat on him…

  • shivaskeeper

    These folks have come a long way. When I lived in GA, on of the neighbors would put a light up angle in the driveway on Halloween. They gave out no candy, only tracts. As you can imagine, that house didn’t get a lot of trick or treaters.

    At least now they are advocating giving out candy as well.

    • grindstone

      An acute or obtuse angle?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Typo. It was supposed to be “obtuse angel”. You know, the christain kind.

        • grindstone

          Well played.

      • shivaskeeper

        obtuse of course. Spell check fail.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    People in stock photos agree, chick tracts are great! They taste like pussy.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I had the same thought: those are such obvious stock photos, the xtians are just phoning it in at this point.

    • shivaskeeper

      The stock photo people gave out 90 of them and NONE of them were left tossed on the ground, right in front of their door, as is what usually happens. Truly God works in mysterious ways.

      Wait, are you telling me that this might not be a 100% true story?

      • Marion in Savannah

        Oh ye of little faith.

        • shivaskeeper

          Yes?

      • RepubAnon

        I think handing out Bible tracts is a great idea, especially if you park your car in front of your house

        – a message from your local auto body shop specializing in repainting cars.

  • wait! what?

    They should do a comic where the author is shown writing on the toilet while he’s crying and furiously masturbating for the 10th time that day. It would be titled:

    “Miracles- The Tracts of My Tears”

    • Eileen Besse

      ISWYDT

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Halloween is also a good time to get rid of all those soy sauce packets you’ve accumulated over the last year. They fit nicely behind the individual-size candy bars.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Great idea! Package them with the Chinese mustard from the take-out and presto — it’s Halloween, almost black and orange.

  • Toledo Window Box

    Mommy, I don’t want to burn forever in Hell!!!

  • FukuiSanYesOta
  • Guest Liberal

    If I can’t find a Vegan Baby Butthole costume, I will simply DIE!!

  • data_ninja

    So the testimonies…

    A.P., California
    B.H., Arizona
    S.A., Facebook

    Stock photos aside, Facebook is a state now?

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      FaceKook is an addiction to many people. It’s actually healthier to get the fuck out of one’s “basement” once in a while. So, FaceKook could be said to be a state of mindlessness.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Get out your crayons!

    I am now going to spend the rest of the day LMFAO and wondering what Pollock, Basquiat and O’Keefe would do to those comic books.

    • Ill-Advised

      To say nothing of Bacon, Bosch, and Lucien Freud.

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Kiri the Unicorn

    https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/chick-halloween-spooky.jpg

    This is a really fucked-up theology. How good is your religion if you gotta threaten people to join up?

    • FukuiSanYesOta
      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        “Historically Taunton is a part of Minehead already!”

        von Ribbentrop: “He’s right, do you know that?”

        • King Beauregard

          RON VIBBENTROP, thank you. Mix them up again and you’ll be sent to a boncentration bamp.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Traditional?
      (See: crusades)

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Being afraid of burning in some imaginary Hell if you don’t do the right thing: christains.

      Doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do: Not christains.

      This ain’t no fuckin’ rocket surgery, people.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        What’s really scary is there are all these heavily-armed people out there who are just one crisis of faith away from a Vegas-style shooting spree.

    • Nigel R. Toppinglift, III

      Oh, FFS…

  • Ellie

    “…you’ll be giving the gospel to kids and their families without leaving home.”

    Or preaching the Gospel, or living it so you can preach it without words. That’s way too hard; this way, no work involved, and you get to piss people off and tempt children to litter and burn things, so you can condemn them. It’s a win/win.

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    “God loved me so much, he told me I’d burn forever if I didn’t follow his rules! Even the contradictory ones! (Haw,Haw)

    • Toledo Window Box

      Half of the “Ten Commandments”, the most sacred laws in all human history, are about kowtowing to the invisible sky monster? I don’t think so.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      “Gotcha, suckers!”

    • Bill D. Burger

      “Knock, knock…”
      ‘Who’s there?’
      “Jesus. Let me in.”
      ‘Why?’
      “Because of what I’m going to do to you if you don’t.”

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        *nods*

        “Knock, knock..”
        ‘Who’s there?’
        “Precisely, Dear Girl. Would you like a Jelly Baby?”

  • shivaskeeper

    The She Bears of Vengeance video is awesome BTW.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      If I were a musician, my next band would be “She Bears of Vengeance”.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    I like the “sit around the firepit” suggestion, but I think I’d just burn the tracts. Seems much simpler…

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Yeah. Cut out the middlemen (kids). Much more efficient and saves time, also too.

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        No reason to expose young, impressionable minds to filth like that.

  • Bill D. Burger

    While I didn’t always agree with Hitch, in matters of religion I bow to him (and Sam Harris..etc.) and enjoy hearing that eloquent use of the language, and I listen to him often.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbhFXpI8DHA

    • weejee

      Although, to be honest I must say I’m okay with some religions having a thing about not eating pork.

      / sorry Bacon

    • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

      Hitch was the greatest orator of them all.

      Too bad he’s missing all the fun.

  • weejee
  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    These chick tract things just piles on more proof that these christains aren’t right in the head.

    Satan was so damn clever to have come up with this shit.

  • BMW

    I grew up im a pretty fundamentalist church, but I don’t think anyone ever explained to me why God would send children to Hell. I know they tried to tack on an age-limit (even though it was not in the Bible…which seems like a pretty big oversight), but it was one of those things that led me to the conclusion “well, this is dumb” when I got older.

    • C4TWOMAN

      I read an article on evangelism… this was supposed to be why Jesus camp focuses on loving Jesus. Burning in hell for sins comes later, presumably around puberty.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I had such a problem with first confession in third grade. I had to do that before I could do first communion. There I am, kneeling in a dark box waiting for the priest on the other side of the curtained screen to finish with whoever was on the other side so I could confess my sins. Scared shitless the whole time that I’d screw up the ritual and really be in trouble.

      Plus the pressure of coming up with sins to confess. I was eight years old. I know no one’s perfect, but what the fuck could an eight-year-old do that would be so bad it had to be confessed and forgiven before being allowed to receive communion? Hell, I hadn’t even started swearing or masturbating yet.

  • C4TWOMAN

    Just what we need, Zombie Jack Chit…
    (And to make things more perfect, Carry On My Wayward Son is playing..)

    Okay, Samhain is an ancient pagan festival..the last harvest. And the day of the dead, the night the Faerie rides…yada, yada.
    Also it’s Irish Gaelic for ‘November’.
    And Druids didn’t use Ankhs… whatever in the fuck?
    Is this hack even trying?I understand the deep need to smear pagans to drive people to Jesus, but he can be historically accurate about it. Can you even Wikipedia, dude?

    • PubOption

      He’s afraid that the pagans will come to the USA to have ankh-er babies.

  • therblig

    jesus paid for our sins.

    let’s make sure he got his money’s worth.

    • Mary Theresa

      So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

      Those bitches need to be saved!

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Then he put them into collateralized sin obligations and sold them in tranches, designated AAA by Moody’s, to maximize his prophet. He also used Sin Default Swaps to protect himself against risk.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Sunday in America: Fundie Preachers be like, “Where’s my money, bitches___sayeth the Lord?”

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/789bc87adae4f57ce5b0b4dc857fdbaedb234a4163f514d9cadfba82e93fb88f.jpg

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      That’s because Jesus has an AmEx Centurion card- no spending limits

  • chascates
  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    It’s like this: Halloween is the only holiday I give a damn about anymore. I will be Damned if I let anyone fuck it up for me. I don’t do *anything* to ruin their Christian days.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    The ex had a nutbag friend who belonged to a church believed in the whole demon thing.

    He used to break into the ex’s apartment to drape towels over all the pre-Columbian figurines the ex collected. He once “cast out” a demon from a friend of ours in a parking lot behind the Pizza Hut, and became enraged when we referred to it as the Demon of Ear Wax. He was finally caught trying to chop down the large cross outside a local Catholic church after having spray-painted anti-Catholic verses all over the sidewalks in their parking lot, and was sentenced to counseling sessions with the priest. Oddly enough, the church that had encouraged him to do all this shit – a church that had demanded a big chunk of everything he earned even though they knew he was basically homeless – just melted away when it came time to maybe help him with his legal bills.

    I remember the fun tract he used to leave for us at this time of year in the vain hope we’d give them out to actual children – the one about Halloween being an “open invitation to demonic activity.” How we laughed.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      ‘He once “cast out” a demon from a friend of ours in a parking lot behind the Pizza Hut”

      Nothing says Jebus like pizza exorcisms.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        casting out demons behind Pizza Hut

        IOW ouked up all that pizza and beer

      • Nockular cavity

        They should cast out Pizza Hut. “IN THE NAME OF PIZZA…”

      • Alan

        Pizza is the devil’s work.

        • Bad Tom

          Well, bad pizza is.

          • Old town Urbandale

            New York vs. Chicago pizza fight to break out in 3…2…1…

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Wow.

    • Now if had been a Shakey’s Pizza I’d understand completely…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJmufzgzRoA

      • Old town Urbandale

        Rumor is, the homeless guy that lives in the ravine by the K-Mart and ice arena was the banjo player at the Shakey’s that used to be on that corner. Never had a single job after it closed thirty years ago…

        • theCryptofishist

          I hope that’s not true, but that’s a wonderful story. Mostly because those sorts of rumors seem Ignoble worthy, like those Nigerian emails of a few years back.

    • Edith Prickly

      I suppose it is, if you consider gorging on candy until you puke “demonic activity.”

  • JohnBull

    The devil can be stopped by only a good guy with a gun, which you godless libs are trying to oppress from real mericuns.

    • Rachel Book Harlot
      • Bad Tom

        It’s a miracle! Jesus has two right hands!

        • theCryptofishist

          I guess he didn’t have to wipe himself, which makes sense.

  • DerrickWildcat

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/707dd7cea6b0e2b4ccfb441db804c3e52b99ae045fea572e39a8d2a8923e4b41.jpg

    Chick Tracts are fantastic. We give them to our friends and they laugh and laugh.
    P.H., Mississippi.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      May the peace of iStock be with you.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    When I was in college, I waited tables. Fuck, I hated those assholes who left Bible tracts as tips.

    • Ellie

      That way, they get to feel righteous, instead of cheap and mean.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Ironically, I was double majoring in Philosophy and Religious Studies.

        • Ellie

          Did that make it worse, or did it enable you to laugh a little at them? I never got tracts as a tip anywhere, but I did have people come to preach at me when I was working retail – they had a captive audience. If I told them I am Episcopalian, they usually gave me up as a lost cause.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Oh yes, I laughed at them. While trying to figure out how to pay the damned rent.

          • Eileen Besse

            Yeah, down here I tell them all I’m Catholic. They run away from me since I’m The Devil….

    • MizzMazz

      Yeah, try paying rent with those. Sundays were the worst. Big groups pushing tables together, leaving a mess, and the stupid tracts…and separate cheques.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Some of them were regulars. And you don’t have money to tip? Then don’t fucking go hang out for hours in a 24 hour restaurant and then leave your waitress a Bible tract. Oddly, she will not appreciate it.

        • Maggielle

          It’s like they don’t know what you can do to their food.

      • Alan

        I was a waiter in college and one of the waitresses completely lost her shit one day at a regular group of 10-12 of these idiots. Like 10 minutes of screaming at them, one at a time. Funniest thing I ever saw and they left her a tip the next time they came in.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          That’s a beautiful story.

    • Bad Scooter

      that’s fucked up.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    You want to see scary? This Halloween I’m going as Sexy Alex Jones.

  • tehbaddr
    • Raan

      Ia ia Cthulhu fhtagn.

      • Bad Scooter

        fhtagn la ia (and also with you).

  • JohnBull

    Anyone else notice that Halloween is the only commercial holiday when we give away things to strangers instead of indulging ourselves?

    • shastakoala

      Sorta. But I usually have to go back to the store to replace the candy I already ate before the hallowed eve.

      • The Librarian

        The way I resolve that is to buy what I don’t like. The kids will eat anything.

    • Guest Liberal

      Astute observation. One more reason to like the season!

    • VirginiaMorningBlend

      Us not indulging ourselves is why retailers put out the candy early. How many trips to replace it will Satan make YOU take? Buy in bulk.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Maybe a couple of trips. *burp*

      • Bad Scooter

        Mr. Scooter cursed me for buying the candy last week because he “had to open the bag” when he saw me unpacking groceries (i usually hide it in the coat closet until Halloween). so another trip to the store for more candy is in my future.

        Satan 2, Me 0

    • King Beauregard

      Not only that, but we trust our children with strangers.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Naw mang, that’s where all the “razors in apples” shit comes from. Americans are still scared to death of their neighbors.

        • Guest Liberal

          That bunk was prevalent 40 years ago. Hospitals were offering free x-ray of candy booty to paranoid parents.

          • theCryptofishist

            Even before the Tylenol poisonings.

        • King Beauregard

          To be sure there are those pushing fear, but most adults are more sane about it: go to well-lit neighborhoods, stay in groups, and let your parents “inspect” the candy to “quarantine” any candy that looks “suspicious” (read: parents skim the good stuff). I think that’s a little more scare-mongery than it should be, but it’s still enough to let kids go out and have a good time, taking candy from strangers.

    • Sophia

      I don’t know about you but I always have to make a second trip to get more candy. You must have marvelous restraint.

  • data_ninja

    “There’s another massacre going down at Camp Basil Bub!

    Basil Bub = Beelzebub
    Get it???? SO SUBTLE

    And yes, I am so proud of myself for just figuring this out. I’m through the looking glass people!

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      Ohhh, that makes more sense. I took it as Protestants trying to be funny in insulting Italians (i.e. the Pope and Catholics).

  • Guest Liberal
    • Raan

      Is that Mike Myers on the left and Dana Carvey on the right?

    • SisterArtemis

      A friend of mine has this album – he collects weird vinyl, sometimes just for the cover art, which is why he picked up this one. If I remember correctly, they have nice voices but boring Jeebus songs.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      They need to work with the “Lovely Ladies of Men’s Issues” for designing their cover art. :)

    • Flashman

      …until you uuuse me up.

      • Eileen Besse

        ISWYDT. And I approve.

  • Daniel

    And of course, there’s Lisa.

    Trigger warning: virtually all the worst things you can think of coming from the prurient, perverted mind of a professional pious prude is in here. It is supposedly about child abuse, but as with all things Christianist the real victim is the abuser.

    • Ellie

      I thought they withdrew that particular piece of garbage. Please tell me they didn’t bring it back!

      • Daniel

        No, they didn’t, but that’s no reason to forgive them for having done it in the first place.

        • Ellie

          I agree, but I was worried for a moment. No, they should NEVER be forgiven for that one. Ever.

  • Zippy W Pinhead
  • Guest Liberal
    • Raan
      • Wild Cat

        Remember the “[Bernie] Parent Saves” bumper stickers from the 1970s?

        • DrBigHead

          I remember these being followed by “..and Esposito scores on the rebound!”

          • willi0000000

            first thing that happened in every Bruins’ game of that era was watching Phil pitch his tent in front of the opposing goal.

          • Eileen Besse

            Yes!!!

          • Eileen Besse

            “Orr saves–Esposito scores on the rebound!”

          • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

            I remember seeing those bumper stickersfor sale outside the Olympia one night when I was going to a Red Wings-Bruins game and thinking they were quite clever! (Sure, I’m fucking old but I got to see Orr and The Chief and Pie and Sanderson and all them guys play. Not to mention Howe and Delvecchio and Mahavolich. Good times. Sysly, GOOD TIMES.

        • Raan

          I don’t, actually. During the 70s I was eight to seventeen years away from being born.

      • Three Finger Salute

        I knew he was Canadian!

    • Bill D. Burger
  • CindyinEncinitas

    Skittles have some stiff competition this year, boy howdy.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Where’s my dear shit fer brains? I say, where??

    https://media.giphy.com/media/Wvo6vaUsQa3Di/200.gif

  • grindstone

    One of the nails in my agnostic coffin was this deranged article (that was quickly taken down) on an evangelical website about how Halloween was evil. Witches pray over the candy, children are sacrificed, and actual demons roam the streets. Just figuring out the logistics of all that made it clear that these people are cuckoo. Which made me step back and examine beliefs I had held since childhood, and go, yeah, these are equally cuckoo and need to be jettisoned.

    So these folks have an impact, but maybe not the one they intended.

  • Nockular cavity

    If you’re going to have a fire pit in front of your house, at least be throwing some dolls in there. “What are those?” “Those are souls, kid, except they burn for ETERNITY! Barbie, you whore, you’re next!” “EEEEK!”

    • Raan

      No, just stare into it while poking at it.

      Guarantees leftover candy.

  • King Beauregard

    Who wants Jack Chick tracts in German? You know you do:

    https://www.chick.com/catalog/TractList.asp?language=German

    … in German it’s not “Bad Bob!”, it’s “Edward, das Ekel”.

    • Daniel

      I got my first Chick Tract in Prague, in the native language.

      My first Chick Tract was a Czech Tract.

      • Red Richmond

        So you were checking out chicks in czech?

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Die Horrornacht

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Schrecklichkeit

    • Raan

      Wasn’t “Bad Bob” an episode of ReBoot?

      • King Beauregard

        Turns out it was! Not the one I was thinking of, though (I was thinking of “Father of the Null” I think).

    • Three Finger Salute

      Germany has done enough real life horrors in their history. They don’t even need Halloween.

      • King Beauregard

        Yeah, well, I look at where the US is now, and I wonder how far away from Nazi conditions we are. We may be better than the Germans thus far, but not so much better that we should feel superior.

        Besides, the crop of post-war Germans is pretty good. Exhibit A: Jörg Sprave, developing anti-zombie technologies to keep his yard tidy:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBvvi3JWa30

        Exhibit B: Katja, teaching us German while being far hotter than any human being should ever be:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CG-3o-857co

  • Ducksworthy

    Of course Halloween is a Satanic Holiday. It is also the biggest Holiday in America. Get over it Xians. You’ve already lost. Openly worshiping the Orange One didn’t help.

  • Mary Theresa
  • WomanInThePersistence
  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • Raan

      Shit, he’s not even the mediocre pumpkin.

      • Guest Liberal

        That Jack Off Lantern is out of his gourd

    • Three Finger Salute

      GOOD GRIEF!!!! AAAAAAAUGH!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      If I knew where this was, I would leave an upfist on the porch.

  • Edith Prickly

    Why is the Druid holding an ankh? All pagan symbols are interchangeable or something?

  • FukuiSanYesOta
    • WomanInThePersistence

      Cheeseburgers are the best!

  • Nockular cavity

    I’m building a giant wicker man in front of my house this Halloween. “Okay, who’s a virgin here? Want to take a tour of the wicker man?”

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “You came of your own free will”

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        you knew what you signed up for

    • rocktonsam

      “Who’s a virgin here? ”
      All of us katie , probably.

  • Wild Cat

    Why the fuck do people who do nothing for their sixty-or-so farty, toothless, mentally impoverished lives on Earth always want eternal life? And why would anyone want to exist forever?—being crushed into a singularity or watching Season 85,876,908,134 of ‘The Simpsons’ is no pleasure orgy, mind you.

    • Edith Prickly

      They’re terrified of death. Once you figure that out, their obsessions make a lot more sense.

      • Alan

        That’s the entire reason for the existence of religion.

    • Rags
      • Wild Cat

        [O Lord . . . did Eno overproduce that album as badly as Bongiovi underproduced TH77. Of course, nothing was more overproduced than Remain in Light. More Songs . . . got it just right.]

        Diane Keaton did a documentary about 30 years ago on people’s concept of heaven; I think she found some inspiration from Byrne’s lyrics.

      • AndreWaters20

        One of my favorite Talking Heads classics.

    • Christopher Story

      I’m gonna live forever. If it has to be as a robot, so be it. That might even make it easier to explore extra-solar bodies.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • shastakoala
  • In what demented and godless apocalyptic landscape do kids LOVE Necco Wafers wrapped in Jesus Funny Books?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/32aab2ca7b3dc46188cc3c33c67d5d1d38f3191e94ace3a530ef2de4e2e07276.jpg

    Still better than ‘Smarties’, though

    • Wild Cat

      Goya O Boya!

    • Bill D. Burger
    • doktorzoom

      I’d take Smarties any day. Besides, Necco wafers are for playing Communion.

      • Alan

        I always bring Smarties and Dum-Dums as treats for my students on test day. They seem to prefer Dum-Dums.

      • TJ Barke

        Smarties are great for getting a sugar fix.

      • Eileen Besse

        Necco Wafers are Spawn.

      • King Beauregard

        Neccos are for divining the future through the art of Neccomancy. Different meanings for each Necco depending on whether the Necco is split or not, whether the “Necco” imprint is visible or not, and the orientation of the imprint.

        The purple Neccos are the Death Neccos.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      Hey, at least that thing ate the head first. I always wondered about people who eat chocolate bunnies from the tail up.

    • King Beauregard

      Necco Wafers are my favorite candy. Yes even the mysterious purple ones, which by the way are CLOVE flavored and I will eat all of them thankyouverymuch.

      • Maggielle

        I think there used to be a clove flavored gum. I liked it. Maybe there still is, but I don’t chew gum, and certainly not sugared gum, because somehow my dentist gets an alert when I’m about to chew and she comes and beats me with a giant toothbrush. That’ll learn ya fast.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      I fear there are far more than just one left.

    • Serai 1

      Those really should be in the front row of a whole host of chairs.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Bill D. Burger

      And Jesus Saves….double coupons.

      • Jay Hansen

        And his money at the Chase-Manhattan Bank.

      • Serai 1

        Moses invests.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • Serai 1

      That is not a haiku, but a senryu. They have the same syllabic structure, but haiku have the added requirement that the theme must be Nature in some form (plants, animals, the heavens, the ocean, etc.), and the piece must contain a surprise element.

      • Noxious Resistance

        “The More You Know”

      • Maggielle

        Cool. I knew about the nature requirement, but I didn’t know that a senryu existed. I thought I just wrote bad haiku when I didn’t put the nature bit in.

        • Serai 1

          I only learned about it when I participated in a writing challenge posted in the hobbit smut community I used to participate in.

  • 🦇🎃 Treg Brown 🦇🎃
  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Speaking of the NFL, the real house of worship this Sunday, back in the day, forget the flag, we had Chaplains give benedictions. Today, players and coaches take a public knee for god, but god forbid they take a knee for justice.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/575766abbaddf44215724e732ecce3c81bd6ebb7d49f16ffb35e4caa425e5e61.jpg

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    My fellow Wonkers, I have found Jesus!
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    He was behind the couch.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Speaking of horrifying, from today’s NYT:

    Why Has the E.P.A. Shifted on Toxic Chemicals? An Industry Insider Helps Call the Shots

    The E.P.A. and Dr. Beck declined repeated requests to comment that included detailed lists of questions.

    “No matter how much information we give you, you would never write a fair piece,” Liz Bowman, a spokeswoman for the E.P.A., said in an email. “The only thing inappropriate and biased is your continued fixation on writing elitist clickbait trying to attack qualified professionals committed to serving their country.”

    If not wanting to ingest toxic chemicals makes me an elitist, I don’t want to be populist FFS…

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      They’re just blatant.

      “We want information please”

      “You can’t have it because then you’ll report it”

    • TJ Barke

      You fuckers don’t serve your country, you serve your corporations.

    • Serai 1

      Wow, there’s nothing suspicious about such an aggressive yet defensive reply. Nothing at all.

    • The Librarian

      I read this also too and decided that the weekly EPA emails I receive are no longer worth the space they’re written on. If we don’t all die from the madness of King Donald, then this surely will do it.

    • Bad Scooter

      ferfuckssake. these fucking fuckers.

  • WomanInThePersistence
  • Mary Theresa
      • King Beauregard

        Sadly, I have an answer for that: the point of Jesus was that he had to be human, and part of that is being born of woman. As the Catholics say, “begotten, not made, one in being with the Father”.

        • suziq

          They just make up all the rules though. And none of it makes any sense. It isn’t that I choose not to believe, I just don’t think anything about any of these religions make any sense-I can’t help it that I am logical and believe in science and reality!

          • King Beauregard

            Good for you! But just so you understand, there are themes and fulfillments and that sort of shit that inform why religions are the way they are. The question about whether Jesus was a man or a demigod or a lesser deity or God Himself consumed Christianity for a very long time, and a council of bishops (the Council of Nicaea) had to be assembled to come to an answer on this very fundamental issue about Christ’s nature.

            You are more than welcome to say it’s all nonsense, and about as relevant as debating whether it would be incest if Superman and Power Girl had sex. And you’d probably be right. But “they just make up all the rules” is needlessly dismissive.of people who felt this was very very important to get right, misguided though they likely were. To the people of the fourth century — who could not comfort themselves with the knowledge that they were simply the result of complex biochemical processes that have created an illusion of consciousness — understanding Christ’s nature had everything to do with the fate of their immmortal souls.

            On that note I’ll mention that St. Nicholas of Myra — yes THAT Saint Nicholas — attended the Council of Nicaea, and punched another bishop in the chops in the course of theological debate. Santa Claus always took his naughty list very seriously.

          • SDGeoff3

            Tell them “I don’t need it”.
            Then take a nice sip and enjoy the peace and quiet.

          • SigDeFlyinMonky

            We are devout nudists and if I let you in the house you’ll have to take off all your clothes.

        • Bad Scooter

          …Through him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation, He came down from heaven; by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary and became man.

          (sorry, if I didn’t finish that stanza, I would have had the Nicene Creed stuck in my head all night. Holy Catholic mass flashback, Batman.)

          • King Beauregard

            I’m very tempted to keep posting phrases from the Catholic mass just to get them stuck in your head, but that would be mean. It’d be like getting a song stuck in someone’s head, but with more bread and wine offered by the priest Melchizedek.

      • Three Finger Salute

        The original “cuck”.

  • As an atheist who was raised Jewish…I keep this pic taped to a corner of my whiteboard in my office to confuse my Trumpkin co-workers and amuse my fellow atheist Jews.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0d4aebbc44618dcac9916fdd40815c2355a7cf7d1c967e22db41d84dc1ab74d7.jpg

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Rachel Book Harlot

      I love this!

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva
    • Serai 1

      Waiting for someone to roll back the stone: “Don’t bother. I’ll just sit in the dark.”

      • Swampgas_Man

        And on the third day He said, “Who put this fucking stone here?”

        • Ronda

          Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
          On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !da302d:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleNetJobsIndexWorkFromHome/more/cash ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!da302lhhhh

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        Which reminds me of this:

        How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
        Neve mind, I’ll just sit here in the dark.

        FTR, I had a Jewish grandmother, not the great rugallah baking kind, the never mind, I’ll just here in the dark kind ;-)

    • Alan

      Classic.

  • (((Alt-Sedagive)))

    An absentee landlord bought the lovely Victorian house next door and turned it into an illegal multi-family dwelling. It was noisy, crowded and it ruined an already-at-risk block. The other neighbor and I spent months getting the local inspectors to take a look, and at last the house was condemned and the tenants evicted.

    The neighbor and I ran into the landlord when he came back to do an illegal renovation (this is an historic district). We lit into him, telling him he ruined our lives, he threatened our homes, and he was an evil son of a bitch. He ran through every excuse imaginable and, coming up with nothing, he finally resorted to:

    “What is important is that we all love each other, and we all love god together”

    I happened to be wearing my Satanic Temple t-shirt (featuring Baphomet and the phrase “audi preces meds” – “hear my plea.”

    “Why don’t you try loving your neighbor as yourself?” I said, “and by the way, I’m a Satanist.”

    The little old lady listening in on our conversation let out a loud whoop: “Hell yeah!” she said, and threw up a fist.

    I love my neighborhood.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Nicely done! :)

  • shastakoala

    We used to have a dentist neighbor who gave out sugar free gum and a toothbrush. My parents loved him.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    Just spitballin’ here but how about Bible verses on a condom wrapper? Oh, wait. Sure you’d get saved from eternal damnation, the spread of communicable disease would drop–as would the rate of unwanted pregnancies–but what about the sperms? WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE SPERMS?

  • mailman27

    And when you’re bundling the tracts ‘n candles for the pre-schoolers, don’t forget the matches!

    • theCryptofishist

      Roman candles, to be sure, the death cookiest candles in the world. Well, there’s the Beijing fortune candles, I suppose.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Everything they say about gays is a projection of their own attempts to brainwash children into their vile death cult.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Looks like you good Wonkers up in Sac-town had fun:

    https://twitter.com/commiegirl1/status/922139301588037632

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Awww! Great photo! I’m not jealous. No, I’m not. Really.

      https://i.imgur.com/ILc5MDy.gif

    • RobKanC

      Surely, Wonkette must know by now, there is another coast in this country.

      • ryp

        Yeah, but who wants to go to Mobile and Pensacola.

      • Bad Scooter

        they Wonkebegoed over to New England a couple of years ago. Perhaps we could tempt them into another east coast road trip.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Very nice, Y’alls!

      We ever do a Wonket Drinky in Colorado, Yr Anna Elizabeth will turn it into a Dance Party!

    • theCryptofishist

      *sigh*

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    I’m afraid if I read a Chick comic I’ll stop being a New Jersey Devils fan.

  • RobKanC

    Wait a minute. Did I just spot a blasphemy in this Christian book. Jesus is not God, he is infact son of God. If you are going to wanna spread Christian crap on unsuspecting young ‘uns, atleast do so in the right manner.

    • doktorzoom

      God’s the one whose head is the lightbulb. And Jesus is both the Son of God and is God. Saying otherwise is heresy, and cause for an Inquisition.

      • shastakoala

        A pyramid scheme.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        You left out the Holy Ghost. You are going to aich-ee-double-hockey-sticks.

        • nightmoth

          Yup, Holy Trinity. Based, according to feminist theologians, on the old idea of the triple Goddess as Maiden, Mother, and Crone. See also, the 3 Greek Fates, who spin, weave, then cut, the thread of your life. Rejected, however, by Christian Unitarians, which is why my Baptist neighbors consign Unitarians to aich-ee-double-hockey-sticks.

          • Eileen Besse

            I have yet to meet Unitarians in my part of Floriduh….

          • nightmoth

            It must help to be near a college town, or a city. There’s one near me, but I don’t go because it’s excruciatingly white-bread. Even my lesbian friend who attends calls it the “have it your way religion buffet.” I’m still a sucker for old school gospel music so on the rare occasions when I attend church, it’s a lively one.

          • Werewolf

            Not Brahma, Shiva and Vishnu?

          • nightmoth

            Them, too, I reckon. Don’t know much about Hinduism. Three has been a sacred number for a long time, though.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Or Moe, Larry and Cheese?

        • Three Finger Salute

          Yay! We’re going to Canada!

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva
      • Eileen Besse

        Hahahahahahah!!!

    • Panika MCD

      it depends on which dogma you ascribe to.

      • theCryptofishist

        And these xtian dogmas fracture at teh drop of a hat.

    • Serai 1

      I refer you to a very pissed off cat trapped in a box.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Nice time!
    I hope I never get cancer (but let’s be realistic). If I do, I hope I have good peeps in my life to cheer me on and keep me laughing.
    FUCK CANCER.
    https://www.instagram.com/p/BaeYwfnjh5w/

  • Flashman

    I suppose the tract about the dying kid has a certain relevance, given the state of the CHIPS program.

  • Eileen Besse

    Dok–I must confess that I, too, ate The Cookie and was raised Catholic. Even went to Catholic schools all the way through! The End.

    • Jay Hansen

      Did you go to Our Lady of Perpetual Knuckle Bruises too?

      • shastakoala

        And her name was Sister LaFrieda. I remember her well.

        • Mary Theresa

          Sister Rose Marie was my tormentor.

          • theCryptofishist

            Did she hang out with Brother Morey Amsterdam and Brother Dick van Dyke?

        • Jay Hansen

          I remember Sister Mary Elderberry.

          • shastakoala

            Was she in charge of the sacristy wine?

          • Jay Hansen

            Yes indeed.

    • Eileen Besse

      Actually, Sister Mary Elephant was my favorite!

    • Maggielle

      I have a friend who was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools. She told me about this one time when a nun yelled at her. She went home and told her mom what happened: “Mom, Sister Huckleberry called me a Mormon!” So her mom marched to school to ask what was up with that, and Sister H. said, “Oh, no, I didn’t call her a Mormon. I called her a moron.” That was a reasonable enough explanation for mom, so she nodded and went home.

      This friend had a lot of good stories. One nun was very hard of hearing, so the class organized a trick where they all started making shouty faces, but silently. Merriment ensued.

      • Eileen Besse

        Believe ALL the stories. They are ALL true. [I don’t even wanna get started–I’ll never stop.] K-12: thirteen years of stories!!!!!! I wish I had the writing muse but, alas, I absolutely know I don’t. I do have a memory, though….

  • azeyote

    talk about putting the trick into trick or treat –

    • Master Contrail Program

      The stupid Chick Tracts at the McGinty’s made me long for the sweet release of a razor-bladed apple.

      • azeyote

        the good old days

  • Master Contrail Program

    “Not one tract was on the lawn. There were however, many, in the flaming bags of dog shit I recieved throughout the year. Those scamps!”

  • Perkniticky

    Oh sure, luring children with open fires doesn’t sound creepy at all.

    • Parakeetist

      Win

      • Perkniticky

        Seriously though, doesn’t standing around an open fire sound vaguely Pagan? Especially on Halloween!

        • suziq

          Yes. Also if you are trying to attract children who are tick-or-treating does that mean people have bonfires in their front yards? I have never lived any place where that would have been possible. Though it does sound kind of fun!

          • Perkniticky

            OMG can you imagine kids in highly flammable costumes running up to bonfires? This is an even worse idea than I initially thought!

          • theCryptofishist

            The housemate just came up with that as well.

          • Perkniticky

            Us practical minded people are such party poopers.

  • Panika MCD

    I will go as God this Halloween–Old Testament style.

    • Mary Theresa

      Do you take requests for smiting? I know this guy that has a orange hue……..

      • Panika MCD

        I already afflicted him with boils and the worst people in the world. what more do you want?

        • Mary Theresa

          Bigger boils?

          • Panika MCD

            how about a nice culling of the first born?

          • theCryptofishist

            Yeah, get Don, Jr., and leave Eric behind to cause more chaos.

          • Panika MCD

            first born was Ivanka. Banana Runtz was left by the stork. Eric was built to be friends with Banana Runtz who immediately got Tang in his circuits.

          • suziq

            First born MALE. Females don’t count.

          • Panika MCD

            they do when I’m playing god.

          • theCryptofishist

            I’m sorry, I thought DJ was older. Shows you how much attention I pay to them. The appropriate amount. (Not a dig at you for knowing this, just a defense for not knowing.)

          • Panika MCD

            but he doesn’t count!

    • bbayliss

      Why only on Halloween?
      You’re wasting 364 days a year.

      • Panika MCD

        I’m still inventing Hell.

        • bbayliss

          Get busy, i’m on my way.

          • Panika MCD

            silly rabbit. you’re not going to a place you don’t believe in. you’re going to Uranus.

          • BloviateMe

            Suprize buttsechs!

          • The Wanderer

            Whee!

          • Panika MCD

            also yodeling vegan children too!

  • Christopher Story

    I got a lot of the same lectures; nothing so literal as human sacrifice, more, people of loose morals partake in holidays steeped in rituals that stem from ancient demonic traditions. A lot of anti-occult satanic panic rhetoric mixed with scripture condemning the practices as a generic “un-Christian.”

    • OrdinaryJoe

      The key word to understanding this is ‘WHITE”.

    • Bad Scooter

      that’s not fair. he knows the one where Two Corinthians walk in a bar …

  • ryp

    Nobody gave this stuff out a Halloween when I was a kid, they tended to leave Chick tracts on bus seats. As a comic book loving lad, I would snap them up when I saw them. Even as a ten year old, they didn’t work as intended on me, as I enjoyed them for the sheer batshit craziness inside. I thank Mad Magazine for setting me on the right path before I was ever exposed to this stuff.

    • Serai 1

      Reading them as a stoner party game was a thing in the late 70’s, I remember.
      As with readings of The Eye of Argon, the goal was to see who would be the last one to laugh.

      • The Wanderer

        Bwahahahaha! The Eye of Argon is hideously funny!

        • Serai 1

          Grignr’s emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier struggling before his chestnut swirled mount. His scowling voice reverberated over the dying form in a tone of mocking mirth. “You city bred dogs should learn not to antagonize your better.”

          Such genius can never be questioned

    • Noxious Resistance

      Don Martin saved my eternal soul.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Ga-sproing!

  • Serai 1

    It’s so cute how they think will VOLUNTARILY take these things.

  • The Wanderer

    Some jackanapes signed me up for Guideposts, sort of a Chick Tract minus the terrifyingly hokey cartoons and borderline heresies. When I get it, I spit on it and toss it in the trash.

    • Ricky Gay

      See you in Hell!

      • The Wanderer

        I live in Trump’s America. Much the same thing, really.

        • Ricky Gay

          I hear they lie less in Hades.

          • Old town Urbandale

            Fake news!!!!!!

    • Guest Liberal

      Ha! Makes me think giving an anonymously sent subscription for Out magazine to select Reich-wing bible thumpers would be thoughtful fuckery.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        I once put a co-worker on the mailing list for Hillsdale College’s newsletter. If he’s reading this, he knows who I am.

        • therblig

          in college, i signed up a friend for a semi-annual catalog of musical saws and accessories. he got them all 4 years.

    • The Librarian

      I used to find those on my porch (I suspected the now deceased next door neighbor). I’d have used it as toilet paper but was afraid it might burn.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Burn you or the paper?

        • The Librarian

          If the paper burns I’m gonna get it anyway.

    • Old town Urbandale

      Back in the good old days, the newspaper published your name and address when you wrote a letter to the editor. I used to get sent a lot of clippings from Guideposts and similar tracts, since I was obviously a heathen for opposing Saint Ronnie.

    • therblig

      every couple of months, the houses and cars in our neighborhood get blanketed with shit from Tony Alamo’s moronic followers. usually some anti-pope nonsense. maybe it’ll stop now that he croaked in prison.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Do people like that ever REALLY die?

    • theCryptofishist

      No! No! Recycle them! (Someone had to say it…)

      • Sophia

        Mail em to Trump?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Some asshole signed me up for some Holy Roller fundy paper back when I was in high school or junior high. I think it accelerated this Preacher’s Kid’s descent into heathenism.

      I console myself that if their Gospel is correct, then that cousinfucker is on the ocean floor with a millstone around his neck.

  • Ricky Gay

    I think they’re missing a great tie-in with the NRA and the angel Dana!

  • I became scared of what God could do to me. I begged him not to throw me into that fiery pit.

    Now I worship the great Old One who cleanses the world with fire. Fire must cleanse us. Fire must cleanse us all… All hail the great Destroyer of worlds. The terrible Fire Bringer.

    • Robyn Ryan

      That would be global warming.
      May I suggest cuddling up to to the all Mother.
      Mamma loves us all.
      No guilt.

  • yyyaz

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
    day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man
    religion and he will die praying for a fish.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Build a man a Fire, he’ll be warm for an hour,

      Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

      • Old town Urbandale

        I’m gonna remember that one…

      • Swampgas_Man

        Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
        Teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

          Nice!

        • Jamalama

          May i use this?

          • Swampgas_Man

            Sure, but it’s hardly original.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
          Teach a man to fish and you can sell him a rod and reel and fishing tackle and a fishing license.

        • Querolous

          Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
          Teach a man to fish and he’ll bore you to death telling you about the one that got away.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        That’s cold.

        • SDGeoff3

          That’s what happens when we hit diva-hood. We tell it.

      • SDGeoff3

        Mmmm! Diva!! Mmm, Mmmm, MMMM!!
        Atta GIRL!!

      • Ducksworthy

        From the Gospel According to Newt.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Keeper!!!

    • Jamoche

      Ferengi: Sell a man a fish and you’ve created a customer. Teach a man to fish and you’ve created competition.

  • The Wanderer
    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Lookin’ good!

      • The Wanderer

        I loved this pose. Very Rico Suave.

    • Noxious Resistance

      You must have had a lot of leftover candy.

      • The Wanderer

        Nope. The little scamps cleaned me out in a bit over two hours.

        • This is why you have kids yourself.
          Every halloween, we’d go for HOURS. You start with a basic stock, then when the kids come back, change masks, dump the loot into the big bowl and head out some more, you hand out what they brought back.
          On and on until people stopped answering doors or knocking at ours. Whatever we had leftover at the end of the night was ours to keep.
          Think my personal best was 11 pm and 5 costume changes.

    • theCryptofishist

      Devil bless Archie McPhee.

    • calliecallie

      This is mr. cc last year. He startled some college coeds walking by, barely dressed themselves, coming home from a Halloween party. They came closer to the porch to get a look and see if he was real. He stood up and shouted “Put some clothes on!” They ran away shrieking. He feels that evening totally justified purchasing the mask.
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5672172578e23d01405a7b5a47ad0fe9ab5cf0a2d57cba0fcb6105c4d49ad172.jpg

  • Picabo
    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      There needs to be a word for feeling simultaneously heartbroken and enraged.

      • Christopher Story

        You have a rage-sad?

      • Old Man Yells at Cloud

        Trumpified?

      • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

        I call it Tuesday!

    • Sophia

      The funeral, when she kissed the casket was so heart wrenching to watch.

  • Panika MCD

    Heidi found Jesus, died, fell into the arms of an angel. and then the murders began. it was an angel of vengeance.

    • doktorzoom

      Fell, heck no. She bounced! SPROING!

      • Panika MCD

        but then the yodeling began. that was one vengeful fuckin’ angel. such a Brad.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    This is why I come here on Sunday instead of co-mingling with a bunch of superstitious folks who think their adolescent superstition means they are better than everybody else.

    • Bad Scooter

      amen!

  • Master Contrail Program

    I’d go out as a famous new age healer but I’d have to lose 30ish pounds to fit in the suit. That guy’s clearly been feeling the burn long before he’s sent to Hell. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4e4a5b4d541a20fde52b412cb0043f7b07e33c3299f0459a12f0d1c17daab212.jpg

  • Old town Urbandale

    Since my sister-in-law died a couple months ago, I’ve been helping my brother clean up their apartment. (If they lived there another five years, I think it would have bad enough to get them on Hoarders.) She and my brother were evangelicals, and three or four times while sorting through papers I’d call out, “Look! Money!” and hand him one of those fake $20 bill Bible screeds. (What’s not funny is that we have found plenty of real cash, over $3k so far…)

  • cheetojeebus

    The true gospel, All hail Tom Waits. So ya wanta scare kids into behaving? (which seems to me to be the basic point of the bible’s bullshit. ) “It rained mackerel it rained trout…..”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whPzJbntlnY

  • Christopher Story

    The pagans need to jump on this racket. How much fun would it be to pass out similar tracts full of symbols or histories of the spread if Christendom and the violence left in it’s wake.
    Edit: include basic occult tricks and spells like how to make a spirit board or cast a circle of protection using salt and candles

    • wide_stance_hubby

      It would be All the Fun, Katie.

    • theCryptofishist

      Ooo! Ooo! I want to see the Cathars one!

    • Bad Scooter

      except some local Fox affiliate would pick up the story and next thing you know, Ainsley Earnhardt is warning the whole nation that liberals declared war on Halloween, which the bible says is Jebus’ third-favorite holiday, and how dare we poison their kids with our truthy filth which is surely a sign of The End.

      that said, quite a brilliant idea. i might do it.

      • Christopher Story

        Hell, hearing the squeaky noises made by protesting Christianists is half the fun!

  • BloviateMe

    Well this all seems very concerning, I’d sure like to avoid this whole hell thing. Consider me threatened by horror as a means to an end to eternal bliss.

    Am I supposed to find a pure soul and nail him to a cross? Where do I find one of those?

  • stumpknocker

    being a liberal democrat follows my christian values.

    • Parakeetist

      Me too.

  • wandajayne

    A better idea, to protect the children, might be to hand out tracts that list the names of local youth pastors who have been arrested and convicted of child abuse/molestation. It’s frightening to see how many of those there may be in any local area.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Hand out url of local sex offenders’ database?

      • C4TWOMAN

        Where’s the fun in that?

  • efoveks

    On”I am Queen Esther”– if you have to explain your costume you have FAILED.

    • shastakoala

      I usually just wear a life preserver and let um think what they want.

      • efoveks

        Clearly my dear, you have been SAVED!

        (But by whom? Bwahahaha! ;) )

        Seriously though, I think that is awesome! :D

        • That is hilarious. I was in a bar in my old hood yrs ago and one of the local yokels came in with xmas light all over him and he sat down and plugged himself in. Ah good times.

          • efoveks

            HA! XD

    • therblig
    • OrdinaryJoe

      My kid went to a Jewish preschool. For Purim ALL the little girls were Queen Esther.

  • Robyn Ryan

    Jesus was a human sacrifice. As were all the witch’s they burned, natives they slaughtered and blacks they lynched.
    Human blood to make god happy.
    Suffering as offerings.
    Sick, sick, sick.

    • Three Finger Salute

      …and they say the Democrats are the pizza people?

  • Fartknocker

    Pretty cool marketing ploy using a fire pit to entice youngsters to your home so you can give them awesome comic books. I’m sure that’s just thing your neighbors want if your house is in the middle of a wildland urban interface and your experiencing 60 MPH Santa Ana winds.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Thankfully, I think the homeowner’s association might have a cow if somebody set up a fire pit in their front yard.

    • theCryptofishist

      Yeah, that looked dodgy as hell, although, I thought of burning them there before I read that Dok had, also, too, offered up that suggestion.

  • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist
  • OrdinaryJoe
  • Rachel Book Harlot
  • Many have no understanding of who Jesus is

    Yeah, nobody has ever heard of Jesus, ever!
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ee8288b669e264a2ddbc89b2135b64f8b906d349fd7be63f00c473b6d57843d4.jpg

  • Master Contrail Program
  • The Wanderer

    “But I can guess. Or wonder. Or maybe just think like a gambler or a fool
    or some kind of atavistic rock & roll lunatic and make it about 8-1
    that Heaven will be a place where the swine will be sorted out at the
    gate and sent off like rats. With huge welts and lumps and puncture
    wounds all over their bodies. Down the long dark chute where ugliness
    rolls over you every 10 or 16 minutes like waves of boiling asphalt and
    poison scum. Followed by sergeants and lawyers and crooked cops waving
    rule books. And where nobody laughs and everybody lies and the days drag
    by like dead animals and the nights are full of whores and junkies
    clawing at your windows and tax men jamming writs under your door and
    the screams of the doomed coming up through the air shaft along with
    white cockroaches and red stringworms full of AIDS and bursts of foul
    gas with no sunrise and the morning streets full of preachers begging
    for money and fondling themselves with gangs of fat young boys trailing
    after them….Ah…but we were talking about Heaven… or trying to… but
    somehow we got back into Hell. Maybe there is no Heaven.”

    — Hunter S. Thompson (pbuh), Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the 80s

  • C4TWOMAN

    Hey! Where’s mai dear shit fer brains?
    Imma needing lulz.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      This was it, kind of.

      • C4TWOMAN

        *pouts*

        • BloviateMe

          I have to admit, I love Sunday with the Christianists. Shitferbrains can be found anywhere on the internets, or at work, or…

    • doktorzoom

      Sometimes the Shitferbrains just aren’t worth collecting.

      • C4TWOMAN

        Alas…

      • Alan

        They seem to repeat themselves.

        • The Wanderer

          Sadly, yes. Plain as plainsong, forever on one note.

        • Old Man Yells at Cloud

          As Scoop Nisker might put it, “If you don’t like the ‘Dear Shitferbrains’, go write some of your own” :)

      • Serai 1

        Yeah, I didn’t see much that impressed me this week.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Our shifterbrains field lies fallow?

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        And like manna from heaven, only last a day unless collected the day before the sabbath, then DSFBs last two days. I read that somewhere, maybe on some ancient gawker screed.

      • Doug Langley

        We better do something fast. C4twoman seems to be going into withdrawal symptoms.

    • Querolous
  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Duckface! xD

    • Sophia

      Gluten free feed. LOL!

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    When I want the true spirit of Halloween, I seek out the most sincere pumpkin patch. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/af3cf987b76734a4b4124f870a170d203eec21220a39fe7a01738553d704125f.jpg

    • BloviateMe

      Chilling hellscape.

    • therblig
    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      I got a rock!

    • Three Finger Salute

      I kind of would like to see a Stranger Things episode riffing off the Peanuts running gag, where one of the kids (or a new neighbor named Linus) accidentally conjures up the Headless Horseman and now they have to stop the pumpkinheaded monster from wreaking total havoc.

      Wait a minute — did Linus conjure up Trump?

  • doktorzoom

    In honor of this festive day, I’m wearing the shirt my GF got me for Xmas: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/79461b841a5895b9b500c4e571259a8593981ec498007242787765d8335c4340.png

  • theCryptofishist

    I can’t have been the first to have noted, but pumpkins and druids did not co-exist in Britain. Apparently, they used turnips.

    • Nevermind that it was the Christians who stoled the entire night before all souls day to directly combat the “evil heathen druid!!!” worship.
      And thence spread it throughout the world.
      FESTIVAL!!!!!

      • BloviateMe

        I like the one with the beads, whatever satanic ritual that is.

    • The Wanderer

      The ones shaped like willies? Or were they used for the feast-day of Uranus?

    • therblig

      i find the concept of turnip spice lattes to be disturbing.

  • nightmoth

    “Many have no understanding of who Jesus is”
    Yeah, like anybody who hands out one of these “say the magic words” tracts, and like everybody who voted for Rump.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Fruits of the Spirit? Grapes, isn’t it?

  • efoveks

    Trying to indoctrinate defenseless children is the lowest. But that is just my humble opinion.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      But once they’re older it’s MUCH harder! No fair!

  • Picabo
    • Alan

      Sheep pasture?

    • Khavrinen

      I dunno, whackin’ his balls with a stick seems justified to me…

  • my feet are normal
  • MTS

    Chick tracts are so anti-Catholic and anti-Irish. Every cop ends up saying something like a stereotype from a 1940s Bing Crosby film.

  • The Wanderer

    In regard to the header pic, yes, I will relate the gospel of Vegan Baby Butthole – and even speak of the Parable of the Manic Pixie Asshat.

    • SisterArtemis

      wow, almost 4 months since Vegan Baby Buttholegate. How time flies…

      • puredog

        Beg to differ. Time is crawling, and pustulent.

      • Phried Ω

        COVER UP! No, wait, that was the problem.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Am I going to H E Double Hockeystyx for thinking of starting the campfire in Suggestion #6[66] with Chicktracts?

    • SisterArtemis

      Nope, Jeezus is chuckling and wishing he had a corporeal body to help with the chucking.

  • SisterArtemis
    • Serai 1

      Hm. No, thanks. I hate neither.

  • Serai 1

    Wish I had a circle to go to this year.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njoJTpXptks

  • nightmoth

    This reminds me: I’ve simply GOT to get to a Goodwill this week to find a pair of red high heels to go with my blue-sequinned dress and red horns, because I’m “Devil with a blue dress on” this year. Still trying to talk the husband into letting me borrow the pitchfork, but he thinks it will make me too dangerous.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      You go! :)

      You could get a red plastic Spork and say you’re carrying in convenient small-size.

      • nightmoth

        Oh, that is clever!!!! >HUGS<

        • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

          ~hugs~ Fashion, Y’alls :D

      • The Wanderer

        Nouveau Satan! Keeps his grimoires on USB drives.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

          *nods* A Lord of Darkness for the 21st Century, Bitches.

    • Phried Ω

      Good golly Miss Nightmoth

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      Would depend on how much liquor at the costume party.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Get an old broomstick and make the tines out of heavy duty tin foil. (When Halloween’s over you can repurpose the tin foil into a hat.)

      • nightmoth

        ANOTHER clever idea! You guys are so cool.

  • mausium

    Good thing Chick Jesus doesn’t have issue with “lying for the Lord” because every success story I’ve seen of theirs has been chock-full of bearing false witness.

    • therblig

      if they believe that god sent trumpy, i guess all bets are off.

    • Khavrinen

      I am disappointed I can only upvote this once.

  • Mary Theresa
    • BloviateMe

      Hell is for children.

      ~P. Benatar

    • I saw you playing with your wing-wang on the ultrasound, young man.

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    OT – Omigawd, Chris Evans can *sing* Y’alls.

    Sort of.

    • Edith Prickly

      He’s not a bad dancer either. Triple threat. ;)

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        Oh, I know! <3 He's absolutely adorable, and can do anything!

        • Edith Prickly

          This was a really stupid movie, but almost redeemed by this scene https://youtu.be/ETOVI7NCLG4

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            My Panties just fell off….

          • wide_stance_hubby

            Mine burst into flames.

          • Edith Prickly

            What are these panties you speak of…?

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            xD

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            Honestly, that was cool! If I can find this for free, I want to see it. :)

          • wide_stance_hubby

            The elevator doors close and he starts disrobing. . .sweet dreams are made of this. . .

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            and apparently not wearing undies.

          • wide_stance_hubby

            STOP THAT! I can’t ‘brb’ right now!

          • Edith Prickly

            In my dreams I hop in when the elevators open and ask brightly “Need any help?”

        • Edith Prickly

          THIS just made my day. https://youtu.be/FZuVQuKuuDE

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            YISS! Amazing, Chris is just adorbs!

  • janecita

    Since the real Druids left no written records, and they have been gone since the 2nd century, I would call this Halloween story Fake News!

    • They were technically gone, but some of the practices persisted via the locals until christian contact. From what I remember of the isles, at first they tried to beat the heathen out, but after a while they gave up and adopted the traditions instead.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Old rituals, particularly Mother Goddess rituals, have been co-opted for millennia.

    • C4TWOMAN

      They may have left no first person records, but I’m 100 percent certain they didn’t brandish Ankhs…

      • theCryptofishist

        Dammit, I saw that, also, too, and forgot to mention it! That’s total gobbletygook, in terms of pagan customs.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          So are the ‘modern’ Druids. But hey, it works for them, so have at it, say I.

  • janecita

    I know who Jesús is! He is my Colombian friend’s very nice husband.

    • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

      Is his brother named Jose?

      • Serai 1

        No, that’s his dad.

        • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

          Then who’s Rodrigo?

          • janecita

            A dude that I dated in college.

          • Good ball player, also

          • Serai 1

            An asshat who can’t talk to girls.

          • janecita

            And sucked in bed.

          • Rags

            That’s a bad thing?

          • janecita

            Lol, it depends:-)

          • Serai 1

            Did he? I just remember he got his ass kicked a lot.

          • janecita

            The one I knew did.

      • janecita

        He doesn’t have a brother, but his sister’s name is Magdalena.

        • Their parents were funny XD

          • janecita

            Very, very catholic. He is a total heathen though:-)

          • I dunno, the Jesus is pretty common catholic and all, but the Magdalena says sense of humor to me. Or, dislike of girls XD
            Considering what the Catholics think of mary and all.

          • Serai 1

            Magdalena’s a fairly common girl’s name, too. She is a saint, after all.

          • I was more or less pointing out the utterly inaccurate yet persistent rumor that the Magdalene was a prostitute which is still prevelent in Euro Catholicism not seeming to have its corollary in Latinx Catholicism. I kinda wonder why…the tossing out of the Magdalenes was pre-contact, and that was the smear campaign they used then to cast them out. Wonder if some of them made their way to the new world or something?

          • Serai 1

            She’s a fallen woman they can point to, that’s why. The whore/Madonna dichotomy is very important to Catholicism.

  • H0mer0
    • janecita

      That’s an awesome life goal.

      • H0mer0

        and as unrealistic as most of my goals since I don’t want to work as hard as she does, but thanks.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    “Trick or Treat!”

    Here you go kids. Have some nice tracts.

    “Trick it is then”.

  • janecita

    OT, but these moms really piss me off. Would they be this supportive of sexual abusers if their daughters were the victims?

    ‘I Was Willing to Do Everything’: Mothers Defend Sons Accused of Sexual Assault – The New York Times
    https://apple.news/AG08qeThASSuRXnI9DcCNDA

    • TJ Barke

      Pro tip, they raised shitty sons.

  • Jamoche
  • thewalkindude
  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    pfft, aren’t these the same people who believe their lord rose from the dead? (And is now, where exactly? Roaming the earth, perhaps? MAYBE IN YOUR HOUSE?)

    • Christopher Story

      He’s right behind you!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Storm sewer grating.

    • TJ Barke

      Naw, he’s just back in heaven, chillin’. For 2000 years…

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        ‘”Second Coming”? Seriously, people STILL think I’m going back? After last time?’

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Where’s the Lord, Sexy?

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        hopefully fucking Tahiti or someplace nice.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

          LOL!

    • janecita
    • Msgr_MΩment

      God killed His only begotten Son so that He might know what it’s like to be human. Except for the whole Get Out Of The Afterlife Free card he played.

      Makes sense to me.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
  • Alternative Dog

    OT: There’s an oppressed male (Dino) expressing his views on Robyn’s post from yesterday if anyone wants to go help me cheer him up. :-)

    https://wonkette.com/624627/the-week-in-garbage-ladies-the-lovely-ladies-of-mens-issues-make-mra-pin-up-calendar

    • Marion in Savannah

      He’s kinda fun to poke!

      • Three Finger Salute

        DON’T POKE THE BEAR WOLF DINO!

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Apparently he’s gone. I’m okay with that.

    • Panika MCD

      too easy.

    • Shanzgood

      Same old shite.

  • Aaron Wise

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RfNl9fcJtM

    Larry David might not be open to this idea…Satan bless him!

  • bubbuhh

    Zombie Jesus is a spring thing, but okie-dokie for Halloween, too also.

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Another lovely feature of fireside chick tracts is that they make for great kindling!

    • Shanzgood

      Hey, I thought they were collectors items!

      • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

        That is one weird collector

      • wide_stance_hubby

        Easier to store in ash form.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Most of ’em are still in print. Kinda reduces the collectability unless you’re one of those people who has to have EVERY variation.
        <casually moves to hide his very large collection of MLP comics>

        • Shanzgood

          Heh! I’m not a collector. I don’t know if it’s because I just wasn’t born with the urge or because I’ve moved around so much all my life and couldn’t afford to get attached to stuff.

          I’ve lived in my current residence for probably 14 years (longer than anywhere before) and have WAY too much junk in the attic and basement due to the fact that I’ve just never bothered to get rid of it. Plus, my ex was a hoarder AND a “collector” and I bet a lot of it is his.

  • quantum mechanic

    “Here comes the con man coming with his con plan…”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR0fQ6wJb6A

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      fucking love this song.

  • Mary Theresa
  • Grokenstein

    Chick Tracts are so awful and I’ve loved them for decades. But given that the story of Elisha and the bears is my favorite WTF revenge fantasy in the entire Bible, I am shocked that I didn’t know that video existed and am so very grateful to you for bringing it to my attention Dok.

    Recommended: God’s Cartoonist: The Comic Crusade of Jack Chick, available from Amazon and the “Hot Chicks” series on YouTube.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kyeIhGgnwnE

  • onedollarjuana

    That blonde has been making testimonials all over the web, according to TinEye.com

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      I’m glad she has so much work in today’s labour market!

  • HogeyeGrex
    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      a-fucking men. This aligns with my thoughts.

      The only reason you’re a decent human is because the bible (or your god) tells you to? (NO wonder they’re such assholes to gays and lesbians).

      And they say us atheists have no morality.

      • Marion in Savannah

        The Talibangelicals/Y’allQaeda BADLY misunderstand both the concept of “morality” and the simple concept of “decency.” And the really, really precious thing is if you ask them if they believe in the Golden Rule they’ll say yes.

      • Shanzgood

        It keeps people permanently stuck at the toddler stage where there’s no internal self-control, it’s all external.

        • efoveks

          The Party of Personal Responsibility: “It’s all God’s fault you know.”

          • Shanzgood

            That’s why when they forget and accidentally rape someone it’s all okay after they ask Jebus for forgiveness.

          • efoveks

            Once upon a time there was a woman named Dinah who was raped. After marrying her off to her rapist, her family got together and killed the rapist and his family. Then they decided men needed to be circumsized. The End.

            And this isn’t even the weirdest story in there…

          • Shanzgood

            Um…yeah. That one about the sisters getting their dad drunk and having sex with him “to preserve his seed” really squicks me out.

          • efoveks

            Precious ain’t it XD

          • Three Finger Salute

            So, they raped their own dad in order to get pregnant with their own, uh… siblings. Gee, why does it not surprise me that fundagelical religion is so popular in the South?

          • efoveks

            Keeping it pure my brother. Just keeping it pure…

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            ‘They’s just like us’ns!’

      • efoveks

        If the only thing keeping one on the straight and narrow is the threat of eternal damnation, one is a lousy Christian. Integrity– that thing you do that is right even when no one is watching– is everyone’s own responsibility. It is also the point that too many so-called religious types (and seemingly Christians!) seem to miss.

        Anyway, just an observation.

        • Shanzgood

          I was raised by atheist parents. My mom told me when I was a kid: Do the right thing even when nobody knows. Pretty much sums it up for me.

          • efoveks

            Yep. Having or not having religious faith has nothing to do with being a good person.

          • Shanzgood

            My kids are third generation and STILL haven’t managed to start raping and pillaging anywhere yet.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            Well, they’re still young.

          • efoveks

            They will never make good Republicans. I hope you can live with that. (And keep up the good work! :D)

      • HogeyeGrex

        i suppose it’s because they have to farm out their morality that they don’t think anyone can have any on their own. Fuck ’em.

        To be fair, the book does have quite a few very good moral lessons, along with some that should be taught with a serious dose of historical context.

        The thing that bugs me is the “All you have to do is say you love Jesus and all your sins are forgiven” part. Murder someone on Friday, and as long as you show up to church on Sunday, you’re officially a Good Person again on Monday. Bollocks. That’s Moral Hazard that makes quantitative easing look like the iron maiden.

        • efoveks

          You say farm out, they say delegate?

          • HogeyeGrex

            Offshore?

          • efoveks

            Ooh, and economical!

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          you’re right of course. They just never pay attention to those bits.

          The son of two midwesterners, and living in Texas, I know a few of those lessons. Even as a radical atheist, I lean on them at times – I just wish more people would.

          (The serenity prayer was a big one in my house and my life).

        • shivaskeeper

          The Bible has some good lesson sure, but this particular stripe of Christian won;t follow them. They have never read them. They will not enforce them.

        • nightmoth

          That’s the part that bugs me, too. It’s saying magic words.
          “I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God and died to save me from Hell.” Say the magic words, but don’t do a GODDAMN THING Jesus said do and you’re still home free. Sheeesh.

          • HogeyeGrex

            The point of the forgiveness is supposed to be a reward for changed behavior. They seem to conveniently overlook this.

      • shivaskeeper

        They run their owb lives by fear. Fear of God, fear of the pastor, fear of the other, and probably the biggest fear of all, fear that their sins will be exposed as they would expose other’s sins.

        If they can only behave through the use of fear, if worst of what they want to do to the rest of us can only be kept in check through fear, they see no reason to think the rest of us are any different.

        Anytime they screech about the only thing stopping rapes and murders and pillaging int he streets is the presence of Christians just like them and as soon as God lifts that protective hand it will all be over, they don;t give me the message they intend to give me.

        What I hear is them telling me they would gladly be raping, murdering, and killing in the streets, but only their fear of their God stops them form doing it. Only their fear of being seen as immoral stops them, not being immoral mind you, just being sen as immoral.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          that last paragraph – EXACTLY! They don’t rape murder and steal out of fear, instead of recognizing its wrong and feeling empathy.

          • shivaskeeper

            Got it in one.

    • mancityRed6

      I think I misread that as “treat”.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Heaven for the climate
        Hell for the company

  • mancityRed6

    “For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies”
    umm, no. my heart is just a muscle that pumps the blood through my hardened and blocked veins and arteries.
    my brain is the one that does the evil thoughts, murders, etc, etc.
    I mean, how else am I supposed to spend my weekends?

  • President in Exile Firefly

    That’s an awesome way to spread the Good News. I can’t wait for a Muslim family to try it.

    • BloviateMe

      Jihad to go there.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Oh, God, not more puns. What’s the Mahdi with you?

        • Serai 1

          He just needs his ka’bah coffee, then he’ll be fine.

    • The Wanderer

      (sings, quite unnecessarily):
      “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah,
      I’ve gone and joined the Intifadah . . . “

    • Bad Scooter

      Islam the door on the idea of Mohammed comics.

      • President in Exile Firefly

        I think you mean salaam the door.

        • clairence

          Genoa

          • Phried Ω

            On Rye.

          • Serai 1

            Ah, baloney!

          • Querolous

            Sausage we all.

          • President in Exile Firefly

            I’d reply further, but I cotto go.

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva
    • BJW

      Well, that just sent me off on a 2 hour video binge of the Avengers, mostly Loki.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        xD Your Welcome

    • Edith Prickly

      NOICE. Also, this https://youtu.be/VSYjs5RnlRo

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        Oooh, thanx! :)

  • Three Finger Salute

    Speaking of grave-robbers and disrespecting the undead:

    Oregon city council member forced to apologize after saying he’ll “spit on” gay man’s grave if man dies from “anally injected death sentence,” or AIDS

    He’s from a place called Echo, Oregon. A fitting name for the place he claims to represent, considering the reverberating rattle of half an aborted brain cell inside his empty skull.

    • Marion in Savannah

      And I’ll bet you all the money in my wallet that he calls himself a Christian.

    • C4TWOMAN

      He seems nice.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      What an awful person.

    • The Wanderer

      Karma will dictate that the city council member will contract the virus as the result of a needle stick or a dalliance with a woman of the town.

    • puredog

      Sounds like TLM.

  • Bad Scooter

    “Daddy, I don’t understand the words in my trick-or-treat comic book. What’s fornication mean?”

    • Marion in Savannah

      [snort]

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “Ask your mother.”

      • C4TWOMAN

        Mum: “oh no you don’t mister! You started this, finish it!”

  • Michael R
    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      what? No lime or mixer?

      Bitch.

      ; p

    • OutOfOrbit

      i like her style ( :

  • jesterpunk
    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      :) I adore this film. RIP, Brandon.

      • jesterpunk

        Its a great film, I am glad they didnt make any more after this one.

        • Dept. of Space Tacos

          uhhhh…

          • mancityRed6

            I think that’s the joke

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            i know…just having my weird brand of fun.

          • mancityRed6

            you’d think my sarcasm meter would be set for this….

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            nah, my bad.
            : D

          • jesterpunk

            There are no Crow sequels, its all a bad figment of your imagination. They stopped after Brandon Lee died.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

          Indeed. xD

        • I know, just like the Matrix, a movie that I’m sure Hollywood would have loved to make a sequel. But fortunately, sequels don’t exist for them.

          • C4TWOMAN

            It’s also a shame Lucas never got around to making that Star Wars prequel.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            and thankfully hillary won the election.

            (this is fun!)

          • The Wanderer

            Star Wars Holiday Special? Nah, ain’t such a thing.

          • mancityRed6

            ha! I have the rifftrax version.

          • Serai 1

            I beg to differ! Seek out the Rifftrax versions of the Matrix sequels. It’s like watching completely different films. Fucking hysterical. Trust me, it’s worth it.

          • Serai 1

            Here’s a sample of the guys going at it:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoNq-DcB-ws

      • BloviateMe

        Awesome soundtrack, also, too.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

          *nods* I bought the CD on the way home from the movie theatre. Such a snapshot of music of the 90s. I still have it. :)

    • mancityRed6

      this movie was a date movie in ’96. we both jumped when Iggy Pop came on screen.

      • Serai 1

        I’ve seen this movie a hundred times and I’ve never seen Iggy. Where was he?

        • mancityRed6

          he’s like the head of devils night? I know he’s in the big meeting at the table. maybe not the head, but one of the bigshot members.

          • Serai 1

            No, that’s Michael Wincott, who admittedly really should have fronted a band. That fucking voice NEEDED to be metal.

        • mancityRed6

          nevermind, I’m thinking of the second one.

          • Serai 1

            Oh, I never saw that one. I hold the first too sacred to sully it with sequels.

      • mancityRed6

        the second one people, sorry. got them confused for a second.
        carry on. nothing to see here.

      • Zyxomma

        No, that was The Crow: City of Angels in ’96. The Crow starred Brandon Lee, who died making the film. Someone fucked up and put live ammunition in the gun instead of a blank. The actor who shot him got all fucked up in the head from it.

        • mancityRed6

          yeah, the sequel. I remembered that long after I should have.

  • Jenny

    “Boo” is legend. Seriously, I got that one in my youth. I took it to school to show everyone that crazy comic. It’s right up there with the abortion haunted houses in what the fuck, Fundie Christians are weird.

  • JD Mulvey

    The Druids were indeed a mystical race. Nobody knew who they were or what they were doing.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAXzzHM8zLw

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Nice!

    • But they could take it to 11.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    I am not a believer. But some churches do good things.
    http://www.ucc.org/lgbt_issues_marriage-equality_index

    https://openandaffirming.org/issues/transgender/

    MomInThePersistence fought for this. #notallchristiansareevil.

    • mancityRed6

      I know right? the Joplin woman goes to a church like this and it’s not a dealbreaker.

      • Shanzgood

        Sooo….what’s the deal, there, Casanova?

        • mancityRed6

          too soon. I’m content with reuniting with a good friend.
          if things happen when I’m there, that’s all good, too.
          just so long as we remain friends.

          • Shanzgood

            Rooting for you either way! But especially that one way…

          • mancityRed6

            oh, we talked about that. who wants to step into the shit show that she’s living now? yeah, well…
            it’s still too soon and I know it seems laughable, but I do know better.

          • Shanzgood

            I didn’t know there was a shitshow. Sorry.

          • mancityRed6

            oh, yes. and nothing at all to do with me, for a change. she’s in a bad way and I’m just being there while she finds her way out. I’ve made my thoughts clear and that was that. we are friends.
            oh, and we did date/live together 21 years ago, so I wanna say “comfortable” but I dunno if that’s the right word.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      The awful thing is that there are thousands of open and affirming main line churches in this country with empty pews while the fundevangelical mega churches pack em in and turn everyone else off to religion.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        My plan is working perfectly!
        – Old Scratch

    • Three Finger Salute

      There’s also those Christians who build homes for poor people like a common socialist carpenter.

      http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/11/08/article-2059002-0EB5752400000578-97_634x491.jpg

      Initials? “JC.” Just Coincidence.

      • Shanzgood

        JIMMEH!!

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        shit, I don’t do that much work and I’m have his fucking age.

    • Sophia

      I belong to the United Church of Canada. Looks like we have a lot in common with these folks. This is why I get so crazy about these people like Jeffress etc. I hate being lumped in with these faux Christians. It’s like saying all Muslims are extremists. There are extremists in every religion.

  • Sure is nice in Sonoma this afternoon.

    • Shanzgood

      KISSES TO THE BABY

    • Dept. of Space Tacos

      pictures! We demand pictures!

    • bobbert

      Pretty nice in Sac yesterday, too.

  • Serai 1

    Here’s some candy to hand out to li’l Christers:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wfamPW3Eaw

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    Elderly Senile Cat would scare the snot out of Satan. We watched him spend hours staring at a gopher hole on a 105 degree day. My so’s comment was “He’s trying to find a way back to his master”.

    • Phried Ω

      We belong to an elderly senile cat, too. Morning begins at 3:30 AM and the day concludes before 9:00 AM. Dinner from 6:00 PM until 10:00 PM when I go to bed.

  • mancityRed6
    • Parakeetist

      Yaaaay

  • Three Finger Salute

    So… what is it you’re supposed to do with the smoke pit and the Jesus papers again?

    https://media.giphy.com/media/TJufnSz934AnK/giphy.gif

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Don’t use them for rolling papers!

  • Alternative Dog

    What if God disappeared?

    https://youtu.be/pkCuc34hvD4

    • mancityRed6

      she’s probably just playing skeeball.

    • shivaskeeper

      By why would you need signs telling you that drugs were free in school, or the speed limit was infinity? Would’t that be understood?

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        Keep the putative audience in mind. ‘Understanding’ is not a concept they are familiar with.

        • shivaskeeper

          I was being facetious. This one is not a Christian video.

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            Yes, I figured that out. Eventually.

    • andyshelt

      Objection on the title of the video.

      Assumes facts not in evidence as he/she never appeared in the first place.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      This might be one of the best Poes I have ever seen.

    • nightmoth

      No Jesus. No peas. lol

  • bubbuhh

    Here’s some Halloween fun. RightWingWatch has posted a sermon delivered by Chief RWXianNJ and Trump jockstrap, Robert Jeffress, which outlines his theory on why the Catholic Church is acksully a satanic offshoot of a Babylonic “mystery” religion, worshipping the fish god, Dagon. Dagon was ackshully a prominent Middle Eastern god, often considered an aspect or name for whatever main god was locally worshiped and no mystery at all.

    Anywayz, the RCC takes the “fishers of men” thing in teh N.T. as its call to be Jesus priests and prosyletizers. Jeffress takes RCC fish references as secret code for Dagon worship.

    Nothin like one bigoted devil callin out another bigoted devil while we are all searchin for new twists on scary Halloween costumes. Mebbe, I’ll make a Jeffress costume with a fish face on teh back of my head/

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=139&v=nI0MBgA7ckA

    • Three Finger Salute
      • Jamoche

        Never open up a fish shop on the former site of a temple there.

        • shivaskeeper

          Poor Mr Hong.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          Not on the night of a full moon during the winter solstice. I imagine it might be safer to do so on other days.

        • bobbert

          Certainly not a take-away fish shop.

    • Kneeling Bozilingus
      • puredog

        trout mask replica?

    • mancityRed6

      it’s funny how the Christian radio shows and, well, all the huge churches and ministries most found on the SPLC list accept Catholics when it’s time to go against something they’re both against…abortion, for example.
      and then turn around the next day and talk about how they worship Mary.

      • bubbuhh

        To Southern Baptist bigots, Catholics are just like common old Jews who aren’t tour guides on Baptish Holyland holidays.

        • Catstro

          My grandpa didn’t think of Catholics like that; he thought they were actual Satan worshippers because of the whole Pope situation. He actually had a less dim view of Jews, even with the Jesus killing and whatnot.

    • harryeagar

      Like Dok, I was raised Catholic, and at our house we ate Spanish mackerel every Friday. A secret sacrifice to Dagon, I now understand. Praise Jesus!

    • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Anything to keep the dollars rolling in and the rubes in line, eh?

  • Holly

    Completely and totally OT: Well that just happened…And the man I love (use to love?) said “I guess now’s not the time to mention Humpty Dumpty”, Is that really the right thing to say after you’ve watched the person you claim to love fall over backward while crazily windmilling her arms and then clocking her head on a rock? I suppose I could have fallen with a little more class like this girl. BUT STILL! And no alcohol was involved, in case you were wondering.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/442965e1be2d57f0aee7f4f4c1a295b5f76afd67031f282f8e621d0ba6c93e93.gif

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Couch?

    • shivaskeeper

      The woman I love would have told me to pick my dumb ass up off the ground and stop being clumsy.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Mr. MinS would most like make a remark something along the lines of “Nicely done, Princess Grace.” You ain’t alone!

      • Holly

        Truth? I’m probably one of the most ungraceful women you’d ever wanna meet. I think today’s episode of “Holly Falling” was one of my more memorable. He did make sure I wasn’t knocked unconscious before he started to crack wise.

    • mancityRed6

      it’s alright to make jokes but only after you make sure that the other person isn’t dead/brain injured.

      • Holly

        He’d already picked me up when he cracked (pun totally intended) the joke about Humpty Dumpty. I still love him. He did make me sit quietly while he ran and got the ice and the ibuprofen.

    • Catstro

      We only get mad at one other if the other person laughs before checking on the other’s well being. Even then, he forgave me for the time I cackled first when he tripped over the retaining wall at the bank.

      • Holly

        It’s one of those uncontrollable human reflexes we have when something happens that we can’t control. We tend to laugh/giggle/chuckle, make jokes to counter the scare. I won’t hold it against him. It was funny, after the fact.

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      In my book jokes aren’t cool, for a decent period of time, when there has been an injury.

      Mister knows it’s OK to joke when I start in on the self-deprecation.

      Most important is that it seemed off to you. You must explain what you need and don’t need, and see if he is able to provide that. You do not want to go around feeling unsupported when shit goes down.

      • Holly

        Don’t think for a minute this man is anything other than one of the most phenomenal men on the planet. He’s really very caring and nurturing when he’s not laughing at me.
        I’m fine, and when he realized I’d hit my head this man ran and got the ice and the ibuprofen STAT.

    • Paul

      And I want you all to know that indeed I did check to see she wasn’t mortally wounded before cracking wise. Besides, it was pretty damn funny. She didn’t keel over backwards, she gracefully landed on her sweet southern fanny and went over sideways/backwards from there, arms akimbo and the feet flailing. She did whack her head on a big fucking rock though. I haven’t yet dared tell her it was an even match. I’m in enough trouble as is. I asked very nicely and Holly still won’t bring me a sammich.

      • Holly

        Darling, you know I love you right? However, you should also know that sammich I made for you had an interesting ingredient added. You should sleep really well tonight.

  • Relativicus

    A lot of the characters have a decidedly “JÜDEN!1!!” look to them, no?

  • C4TWOMAN
    • mancityRed6

      “Charismatic leader of a White breeding cult”
      that’s one thing that does not belong on your CV

      • Marion in Savannah

        Oh, lawdy…

  • Suttree

    All this jesus jesus jesus. I thought Mothra was friends to all of the children.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      You thought right!

    • TJ Barke

      That’s Gamera, he’s really neat.

      • shivaskeeper

        You are correct, Sir.

      • mancityRed6

        he is full of turtle meat

      • Catstro

        We all love you, Gamera!

      • Bobathonic

        Next we’ll hear a robot sing a love song to a turtle.

    • Bobathonic

      If you are a friend of the Earth, you are Mothra’s friend.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Mothra’s really more into twins, especially really little ones. https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/godzilla/images/d/d7/Shobijin_1.jpg

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
  • Zyxomma

    I’ve never been to one (a friend had, and told me about it), but IMO even worse are those stupid Xtianist “houses of horror” full of antiabortion messaging. Like this: http://www.ncregister.com/site/article/hell_house_halloween_highlights_horrors_of_abortion

    • Marion in Savannah

      NOPE. NO. NO WAY. I’m NOT gonna click on that linky.

    • mancityRed6

      and yet, my dad just took me to the local Jaycees haunted house.
      weird how I’ve kinda turned out normal.

    • Three Finger Salute

      As a mentally ill person myself, I think it’s time to retire the “Haunted Asylum” as a gimmick. All it does is perpetuate grotesque caricatures of mental health patients as bloody murderers and crazed monsters in straitjackets. You wouldn’t have a “Haunted Hallow-cost” tour with a replica of a concentration camp so why have one about the mental institutions, where the real horrors were how people were treated in there and not the patients themselves?

      Maybe in a few years. After all, right now we actually do have people who think it’s just “4 teh lulz” to go trick or treating as as Zombie Anne Frank.

      • Zyxomma

        I couldn’t agree more. I don’t have to read “Nellie Bly”‘s Ten Days in a Madhouse to know how badly our society defames the mentally ill.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Ron Powers, No One Cares About Crazy People deserves to be one of the top 10 books of 2017. Equal parts family memoir (about his two sons with differing degrees of schizophrenia) and political treatise about the historically and presently atrocious manner in which society has dealt with mental ill health sufferers.

          The title quite famously (or infamously) comes from a callous comment made by an aide to cheesehead Wisconsin governor Scott Walker. Who’s in charge of the free-range asylum that is the United States? Psychopaths like Scott Walker. At least depressed people are in many if not most cases having a natural and normal reaction to sadness and pain inflicted upon them — and on others. An overdose of empathy and the knowledge that you can’t do anything about it is bound to make you sick.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        ‘You wouldn’t have a “Haunted Hallow-cost” tour with a replica of a concentration camp…’
        Betcha a cookie someone’s already done this.

  • Three Finger Salute

    Leaked photo from the White House reveals the Trump family’s Halloween costumes for this year. Supposedly, they’re going as “ghosts”…

    http://images.mentalfloss.com/sites/default/files/503749-GettyImages-3313395.jpg?resize=1100×740

    …of Mississippi.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos
    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Just needs to hold a magic feather in his mouth and…

  • Blackest Noobs

    i would see these comic around when i was a kid, maybe teenager, and think is this a joke? you know like an Obvious Plant jokey joke?

    blew my fucking mind finding out years later it was REAL..well not REAL_REAL in the bullshit they were peddling but that people out there with their hard earn money, paid someone to print a bunch of this shit, and then took the time to either delivery, or to send out for delivery, or handed them out themselves.

    like what a fucking waste of time.

    i wonder if Cthulhu and Jesus get a pretty good laugh about this comic…i betcha they do.

    • Three Finger Salute

      And then you found out years later that people are willing to pay millions of dollars of their hard-earned money to support the equivalent of Chick Tracts on the Internet. Alex Jones, Ezra Levant, that Mormon mommyblogger with the Stepford Wives manifesto, Mike Cernovich, the Not Ready for Prime Time Civilized Society Players of the Breitbart set… etc. etc. etc.

      One thing’s for sure, we know a zombie apocalypse won’t affect the U.S. The zombies would starve because there aren’t any brains to eat.

      • Marion in Savannah

        That’s always been a question I’ve had about the ZA — after the zombies have killed/turned everyone and eaten all the branes what happens next?

        • mancityRed6

          then they stumble around until they fall to dust.
          and whatever animals they can’t catch–looking at you, squirrels–rise up and take over the world.

          • Marion in Savannah

            So the ZA is essentially Gaia getting rid of a virus. Gotcha. Thanks for ‘splaining it to me!

          • mancityRed6

            who’s to say it hasn’t happened before?

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            So THAT’S what the Permian extinction was!

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    OT – http://www.politicususa.com/2017/10/22/republicans-broke-terrified-democratic-wave-coming-house.html

    Republicans Are Broke And Terrified That A Democratic Wave Is Coming To Take Over The House – Politicus USA

    money shot: House Republicans are growing increasingly alarmed that some of their most vulnerable members aren’t doing the necessary legwork to protect themselves from an emerging Democratic tidal wave. In some of the biggest media markets, where blockbuster fundraising is a prerequisite for political survival—most notably in New York City, Los Angeles, and Houston—Republican lawmakers aren’t raising enough money to run aggressive campaigns against up-and-coming Democrats.

    • TJ Barke

      Why worry? They hack the vote.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        Yeah, I’m more worried about that, myself.

      • amrak63

        Yeah, that worries me, too.

      • Red Richmond

        The harder it gets for them to win legitimately, the less likely it is that they’ll even bother to try. They’ve past mastered gerrymandering, 2016 showed them how Russia could help them ratfuck an entire election, and the drumbeat of voter suppression continues ever on. Can only wonder what they’ll sink to next.

    • CripesAmighty

      They have the Mercers, Cambridge Analytica, and legions of rodents who’ll poke the dot when they hear the bell.

    • Rags

      Just the opening Putin is looking for

    • Zyxomma

      It’s nice to hope, but Rs have gerrymandered the living shit out of the electoral map. I don’t think it likely.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    So I’m binge watching “Hoarders”. DO NOT FREEZE YOUR DEAD CATS!!!

    • Mary Theresa

      Gross story: I had a neighbor that was an animal hoarder. She died and it was a week later they found her body. Her cats were feasting upon her when emergency services arrived.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        There’s a reason I have a dog.

        • Marion in Savannah
          • Swampgas_Man

            Dogs will wait about a week before eating your dead body. Cats may not even wait til you’re dead.

          • Marion in Savannah

            Well, dogs love to roll in carrion. Cats are more particular.

          • Mary Theresa

            OMG. we have a hound dog mix, she’s adorable, very loving and low key. She will find the stenchiest things ever to roll in. Yeah, the bitch got 2 baths this week, she found the motherlodes of stench 2’xs.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Dammit. I’ve always been so nice to Thor.

          • Mary Theresa

            LOL, Thor is the name of my husbands peener. Which leads me to the next question. Do most men give their peeners a pet name or is my husband just special?

          • WomanInThePersistence

            I don’t know. But I’d appreciate it if your husband didn’t name his willy after my dog.

          • mancityRed6

            wait, we’re supposed to name them? and here I was waiting for someone else to do it.

          • puredog

            Are tattoos required?

          • mancityRed6

            depends on how long term it’s gonna be.

          • Rags

            Ticonderoga NY

          • therblig

            if you have an affair, make sure to keep it loki.

          • Christopher Story

            My Beautiful named mine. Never heard of that.

      • Bobathonic

        Based on legend, not fact:

        https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G_-Gxl1iSL4

    • Three Finger Salute

      Have an aunt who is a hoarder. She completely misses the point of the show about how the emotional impact of dealing with this affects family members. She just laughs it off and says she’s “not that bad” because she doesn’t have dead animals or dirty diapers lying around.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I’m so sorry. That’s got to be tough.

        • Three Finger Salute

          She hoards money too. Fox News and Rush stalwart who squirrelled away a very nice nest egg working for 50 years as a civilian employee of the federal government, while living at home and never contributing to the household. Groceries, periodic home repairs (the toilet overflows, got to call the plumber), all came out of my grandma’s meager pension from her union factory job where she used to work. She still lives there and does absolutely nothing all day but let magazines come in the mail that she doesn’t even bother to read, because that’s how she believes she’s “contributing to the economy.”

          There’s stacks and stacks of Better Homes & Gardens, Good Housekeeping (the irony, it burns) all over the place dating back 30 years and still wrapped in the cellophane. She’ll pay for that, and cable TV (always television, she does nothing but watch Fox News and the Inspiration Channel) but lets the house — my grandmother’s home — go to disrepair. Technically it’s supposed to be in the hands of both herself and my mother. But as my mother has no money of her own to do the repairs on what was originally grandma’s home (she worked so hard to buy it, the American dream, and really did want so badly to see the house stay a home, but my aunt let it go to rot once grandma became ill and couldn’t take care of it anymore, because she’s cheap and didn’t want to spend a measly dime), it’s already showing signs of mold and cracks in the wall and ceiling — and when my aunt dies, it’s going to have to be leveled, because it won’t be in sellable condition and will be an eyesore and hazard.

          My aunt wants to make damn sure that, even though she knows she “can’t take it with her,” my mom doesn’t get to see any of it either. Even though she was the one who helped grandma the most, especially when grandma was dying and bedridden. My aunt was like Kathy Bates in Misery to her. It was frightening. Poor grandma would be sick in bed and call out needing to be diaper-changed. My aunt would yell at her like there was no tomorrow because grandma was an inconvenience who interrupted a TV rerun she’s seen a million times before. At some point grandma just gave up hope that her once beautiful home would be anything nice ever again. She was afraid of my aunt. There was only so much my mother and I could do. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t: she couldn’t come live with us because our house is too small and has really only one-and-a-half bedroom(s) (mine is barely a walk-in closet), but if we reported my aunt for elder abuse grandma was going to have to go to a convalescent home where the treatment would probably be worse. The devil you know.

          As if that wasn’t bad enough, my aunt made my mom (who is drowning in debt, not from “living beyond our means” but from unforeseen expenses like medical bills, a number of car wrecks my father was in, and my brother’s and my college education) put my grandmother’s funeral on an already maxed-out charge card. The reason? She didn’t want to cash in a set of savings bonds — because horror of horrors, she’d end up in another tax bracket. The hypocrisy of Republicans is staggering. “I got mine, screw you” as always — even though taxes were what paid her salary that she squirrelled away in that nest egg in the first place!

          I hate this selfish bitch so much for how she treated my grandma — her own mother, she used as a piggybank and then a punching bag when the money ran out — and continues to treat my mother to this day for really no other reason than she’s poor and calls her on her bullshit. Putting “things” ahead of people. She’s 73, a year older than Trump and so much like him. She’s also A Idiot in a way even though she’s Machiavellian and conniving: she voted for Mike Huckabee in the 2012 primaries for no other reason than Chuck Norris endorsed him. She looooves Chuck Norris. Doesn’t give a shit about her own family (and neither does Chuck about her, obviously), but Texas Ranger, Fuckabee, even Billo (she thinks the rape-accusers are attention-seeking liars) are all that matter to her.

          Other than that, the only people she cares about are dead presidents.

          • Zyxomma

            Hugs. That’s rough.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Thanks. Really other than my mother and brother I’ve found I don’t really have or want people in my life. Relationships, friends, overrated. People can’t be trusted not to prioritize their personal gains over others’ well-being (even and especially if their behavior is adversely affecting yours or someone else’s). I learned from my earliest days on earth, and from my family, that people who don’t look out for #1 end up being #2. You’re either the boot or the doormat.

            My mother, brother and myself (not to pat myself on the back), I think are genuinely good people. But nice guys finish last has been the lesson I’ve learned. When my mother is gone, it’ll just be my brother worth associating with, although I don’t want to be an albatross around his neck or get in the way of his life, his friends, any potential relationships he might have. If something happens to him, though, I’ll just be a loner… hand myself over as a meal for “stray cats”…

      • Marion in Savannah

        I had a friend who was at least a “starter hoarder.” About 3 times over the course of the time I knew her in NYC I’d go over to her place and together we’d sift down through the 18 inches to 2 feet of “stuff” on the floor of her small apartment. It ain’t fun.

  • FerociousFelineFoster

    I don’t think that picture is theres. It looks like one that is in one of my old Klutz Facepainting books. Somehow I doubt that Scholastic would be thrilled at these people using it on their promotional crap. I MIGHT be wrong, but it looks really familiar.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      When you are Saved by saying the Magic Jesus Words, copyright laws no longer apply to you. Isn’t that handy?

      • Khavrinen

        All laws no longer apply to you. Including the ones right there in the Bible about “bearing false witness”, not killing, and loving your neighbor.

  • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

    OT – https://www.rawstory.com/2017/10/bill-oreilly-has-been-marginalized-baltimore-media-critic-says-only-20-seats-full-at-oreilly-show/?

    RawStory – Baltimore media critic says only 20% seats full at O’Reilly show

    “I went to it at Royal Farms Arena because I wanted to see what kind of effect this had on his audience,” he recalled. “It seats either 11,000 or 14,000. They wouldn’t tell me how many they had reconfigured it for. If there were 2,500 people in that audience, it was surprising.”

    In fact, Zurawik said that the event organizers asked him to move so that the show would appear to be more crowded.

    “I bought a ticket in the upper-tier,” he remarked. “They came up before the show and said, ‘Would you please sit down on the floor so that essentially it looks like we have some people here.’ Bill O’Reilly has been marginalized.”

    “This arena was almost empty by the standards of a sell-out. It was empty seats in the second row, empty seats in the third row. Nobody is going to want him on TV.”

  • memzilla Ω
  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    Al Gore makes an appearance:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl7WljhLa7Y

    • mancityRed6

      there were tryouts for a politically themed reality show in the UK that came to town when I was there. so I went. and one of the people doing the judging was someone who had been one of the higher ups on Gore’s ’00 campaign.
      I spent most of my time asking why.
      I did not go on to the next round.

    • Mary Theresa

      I heart Ted Talks.

  • The Wanderer

    God loves little children. It’s true.

    On toast points with lingonberry jam.

  • h4rr4r

    Anyone know if it is legal to hand out eggs and toilet paper to the older kids?

    Too many teenagers today are not getting into trouble.

    • They’re wasting their youth.

      • h4rr4r

        They are drinking less, poking smot at lower rates and less promiscuous! That’s what’s wrong with the kids these days.

        • Three Finger Salute

          They’ve just outsourced their vices to teh Internet.

          They might not be meatfucking as often, but this is the generation that made Rule 34 a thing.

          • h4rr4r

            I feel like rule 34 comes from my age folks. Not the 16 year olds showing up looking for candy.

        • I had a fine young man working for me who, at the end of a long day, would go running instead of joining his mentor’s in the daily ritual of eating a fresh habanero (to clear the sinuses) and partake in tequila shots.

          I would tell him that if he had that kind of energy at the end of the day he wasn’t working hard enough.

    • mancityRed6

      they probably have an app for that

  • Sekhmet1

    They seem like a cheery lot.

    The phrase “Chick tracts” also sounds like something you might see listed in a drug side effects leaflet: “see your doctor immediately if you experience a high fever, heart palpitations, vomiting for more than 24 hours or Chick tracts.”

  • Suttree

    Sure, I’ve boned a few fat chicks in my day, but I’ve never fornicated anyone. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6239f8c2a6981c928b4717bca3c3d50b7ae20ef6dbb9706e2fc1761586604c4f.jpg

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Well, “Hoarders” is definitely inspiring me to do some housework.

    • Marion in Savannah

      It sounds like you enjoy housework as much as I do!

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Indeed! I hate it, but occasionally it does have to happen.

    • Shanzgood

      I watch it to feel better about myself.

    • mancityRed6

      it’s funny ’cause there was a walking path at the front of the garage and she still watched hoarders.
      “this set of plates is going for $125 on ebay and I bought them for $5!”
      “great, when are you going to sell them?”
      “oh, no, not yet. I’ll just put them in the garage for now.”

  • TJ Barke
  • Carpe Vagenda
    • The Wanderer

      Bunnysheep! The latest abomination!

      • Marion in Savannah

        Better a Bunnysheep than a Demon Sheep.

    • Christopher Story

      Too… much… cuteness….
      Must resist SQUEE of death…

      • H0mer0

        “He’s got a mean streak a mile wide!”

    • Suttree

      This is a GMO that I am 100% in favor of!

  • Michael R
    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Because there is much less murder in our hearts, than many people say.
      He is gonna die.

    • Suttree

      Ownership of diamond mines in war torn Africa is a quality that is looked up to in America?

  • Shanzgood

    Wow, that dude on the Garbage Ladies article really has the bullshit-spigot on full blast.

    • TJ Barke

      Just call it an idiot, and then elaborately explain why.

      • Shanzgood

        I was thinking of telling it to stop wasting our time and go find one of those nice FeMRA ladies but I couldn’t be bothered.

        • puredog

          I went over and spat on it briefly but then left.

        • The Wanderer

          Wasn’t Fem-Ra a cartoon character?

    • Marion in Savannah

      Yeah — it came back after a hiatus.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      He’s a very silly person.

      • Shanzgood

        “Not enough women have died in all the wars men started!”

    • And it’s spewing pure boring.

    • Edith Prickly

      Oh, we finally dredged up a troll on the Garbage People series? He sounds weak and sad.

      • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

        And boring.

        • Edith Prickly

          GAAAAWD, so boring. Left without even nudging it.

          • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

            Smart. :)

      • Shanzgood

        But very adamant. I guess it helps with all the goalpost shoving.

        • Edith Prickly

          I went over there – 1/10 for originality and entertainment value. Would not counter-troll.

    • Christopher Story

      He’s projecting all his masculine insecurities onto feminists. Yawn.

      • Shanzgood

        Same old same old.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        And this is surprising, how?

        • Christopher Story

          I was hoping for someone more complex and nuanced. I have nothing better to do right now.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            You sweet, sunny optimistic soul.

          • Shanzgood

            If those people were capable of complexity and nuance they wouldn’t have such garbagey views.

          • Christopher Story

            Ah the paradox

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      It’s difficult to believe that Troll is the same gender and species as my fling is.

      • Shanzgood

        And he’s part of a whole movement that’s based on resenting the very movement (feminism) that has the goal of making HIS movement’s complaints unnecessary.

        Cognitive dissonance galore.

        • Marion in Savannah

          You’re implying cognition. That may be the key to the problem.

          • Shanzgood

            I should have said “his movement’s OSTENSIBLE complaints” because, really, they just hate feminism.

        • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

          Right? He’s a whiny loser, and is doing nothing to improve his own or anyone else’s lives.

          • Shanzgood

            Bingo.

            Whats worse, the ones who complain that feminists don’t do enough to fix men’s problems or the ones who complain that feminists caused men’s problems in the first place?

  • BillEGoatSmirk

    We had a Jeebus fire pit in our house back in the 1980’s. Sort of. The whole family was raised Catholic, but my mother’s brother ‘found Christ’ and became the most annoying bible-thumper EVER. (I was a bartender in those days. He told me that I would burn in hell for giving the demon liquid to people who then proceed to murder small children.) Anyhow, he shows up at our house one Sunday with pamphlets, and with a big flourish, gives them to my chain-smoking, Narragansett-swilling father who’s watching sports in the living room. A few minutes later, we all smell smoke, and run in to find the pamphlets engulfed in rather large flames in my father’s extra large ashtray. My father never said a word through this entire ordeal. Just stared at my uncle as he slunk away.
    Thanks dad!

    • Mary Theresa

      I’m drinking demon liquid as we post. FTR, I never proceeded to murder small children, or anyone else under the influence of demon liquid.

      • Bobathonic

        Only when sober?

        • Suttree

          It’s medicinal booze.

        • Mary Theresa

          Of course, than I’m in a more rational state.

          • SDGeoff3

            The aim is better.

    • shivaskeeper

      This is the reason even Two Scoops most brain dead supporters have to KNOW he’s not a new convert. He is not proselytizing every waking minute of his day. It’s what they do.

    • SDGeoff3

      ‘Gansett will do it to ya every time! My grandmother lived up the street used to share a bottle once in a while when I stopped by on my way home from school. It was our secret.
      We have born-again Catholics in our extended family, and they are still infesting Rhode Island. The rest of us left and have lived happily ever after in SoCal. They hate us for it. My cousin used to send me pamphlets about alcohol, teh gay, and I just stopped communicating with her.

      • BillEGoatSmirk

        That Christofascist wing of the family lived in the Hartford area…but I grew up in Northeast CT, 5 miles from the RI border…Dad always put salt in the Gansett pounders… Blech!

        • SDGeoff3

          That’s a nice area to grow up. My dad was a Canadian Club guy. I still prefer Rye, but mostly a beer drinker now

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    ‘As we get closer to the Second Coming of Jesus… Satanism will increase. So will human sacrifice!
    And since there is no increase in Satanism OR human sacrifice, we can be confident that the Second Coming is not something we should put down in our day planners.
    Whew! Thanks, Jack Chick!

    • Unregistered Hijabi Rockstar

      If anything, human sacrifice has declined since we killed all the Mayans and whatnot. So things are looking up!

    • The Wanderer

      The NRA has the human sacrifice thing well in hand.

  • Dept. of Space Tacos

    just a found a spider on my clean clothes pile – on the bath towel.

    Why no, I haven’t set the house on fire, not at all!

    • mancityRed6

      they’re more scared of you than you are of them.
      unless it’s a brown recluse.

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        i let the little bugger go, I’m actually pretty fine with spiders, they kill other grosser things.

        As long as they don’t fucking crawl on me at night!

        • mancityRed6

          you’ll be asleep, you’ll never know.
          I know, right?

        • OutOfOrbit

          the spider on your skin at daytime is just fine then

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          If that’s happening a lot, you ought to worry about what they’re finding to eat.

          • Dept. of Space Tacos

            it really doesn’t.

        • Doug Langley
        • wobbly

          When I was about seven years old, I did a hideous thing. I, my brother, and some friends were playing around with sparklers on the 4th of July when I noticed a daddy-long-legs crawling on the driveway. I incinerated him with the sparkler! A couple of nights later I dreamed I was watching a daddy-long-legs crawling over a lush green lawn and I could hear him thinking. He was thinking that it was really hard to be so old and so arthritic and have to crawl over the big blades of grass.

          Needless to say, I never killed a daddy-long-legs again and I’ve been mostly tolerant of other spiders since. The exceptions were
          a couple of black widows when I lived in California, although I did notice how creepily beautiful they were before I stomped them.

    • Michael R

      The spider describes the ” clean clothes pile ” very differently

      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        (looks at pile)

        Techinically, they are clean…just not folded or put away.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Ahhh — In other words, a cat nest.

    • Jeffocaster in the West
      • Dept. of Space Tacos

        nah, he was a wee tiny little fella.

      • The Wanderer

        Aw. Poor fellow.

      • Ryan Denniston

        They can live a 4 floor descent you know. Just flip em out.

    • Red Richmond
  • “Camp Basil Bub”? REALLY?

    • mancityRed6

      worst. cooking. camp. ever.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Thanks, must read ~The Lottery~ again. I thought it was in my HS American Lit text, but now I wonder if it was just an excerpt.
    Could also be 46 years makes a big difference in comprehension.

    • It was a short story, so the whole thing might very well have been in the textbook.

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        That may be. I have an 8-page PDF standing by.
        I don’t remember the “corn be heavy soon” quote, and many other details. Maybe it was the shocking ending.
        At the time, I had no idea of all the evil in the world.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    I once heard, although it was awhile ago and I can’t remember the source, someone say that Christianity has characteristics of Fascism. Charismatic leader, dictatorship, etc……

    • mancityRed6

      some one on a local “moderate” talk radio show said that the true sign of a cult is when they tell you they have all the answers.
      and that is exactly what I hear about the Bible.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Warning Signs of a cult | Cult Education Network

        “the true sign of a cult is when they tell you they have all the answers”

        The GOP is a cult. “I alone can fix it, on time and under budget”

        Sounds like a final solution to making the trains run on time.

        • mancityRed6

          yes. automatically give some side eye to anyone, anyone who says they have the answers.
          it’s just instinct now.

        • HogeyeGrex

          Jeez.

          Ten warning signs of a potentially unsafe group/leader.

          1.Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.
          2.No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.
          3.No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget, expenses such as an independently audited financial statement.
          4.Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.
          5.There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.
          6.Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.
          7.There are records, books, news articles, or television programs that document the abuses of the group/leader.
          8.Followers feel they can never be “good enough”.
          9.The group/leader is always right.
          10.The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible.

          Ya think?

          • John Orendorff

            In some of the religious cults the male leader or leaders get the females. Seems that should make the other males leave that chicken outfit, but it doesn’t. Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints force some of their young men to leave.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Except they don’t believe in commie ideas like public transit. Maybe private train companies (the Galt Line) will be built with all that tax-cut money.

    • Ducksworthy

      Also, Communism and cannibalism.

      • H0mer0

        Lamb at Easter and transubstantiation kinda puzzled me about that religion.

  • Edith Prickly

    Welp, now that I’ve read this I don’t have to put any effort in my Halloween look for this year, I’ll just wear my dollar-store sequined devil horns and tail, Dracula cape and carry the plastic pitchfork. That should send any wannabe Jack Chicks shrieking into the night.

    • mancityRed6

      well, if it’s _just_ those things, at least you know Pence won’t show up.

    • OutOfOrbit

      you gonna be nekkid under that cape?

      • Edith Prickly

        God no, don’t want to terrify the children. Probably a black maxi-dress.

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      But do those chicks really know Jack?

    • Catstro

      Or Junie Harpers. Damn this would be a great group costume if you’re the type of person (like me) that doesn’t mind explaining their costume

      https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/kingofthehill/images/0/04/318_1.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130926200319

      • H0mer0

        oh, NOW I get it!
        (I think)

        • Catstro

          This is the correct and expected reply to 90% of my Halloween costumes. The year that I went as “the good kind of mermaid, with the fish parts on top and the lady parts on the bottom” was the year I got the most blank stares, even after explaining it. I don’t mind; I dress up for myself, not for other people.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    These cartoons are difficult to fap to. So I guess (?) ChickTracts and Jesus win this round.

    • OutOfOrbit

      how R U too day?

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        Good. Slightly fap-deprived.

        • OutOfOrbit

          yeah, mee too, mebbee tomorrow

          • H0mer0

            my SO and I were trying to plan dinner and sexytime yesterday around my kids’ activities and I made the suggestion that to save time, we each could whack off at home before meeting for dinner (SO didn’t find it as funny.)

          • OutOfOrbit

            well duh!

    • mancityRed6

      difficult, but not impossible.

  • mancityRed6

    oh, and I got baked this weekend.

    • Edith Prickly
    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Don’t rub it in.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        It’s a dry rub. You don’t feel it.

      • mancityRed6

        I didn’t know or forgot that Missouri had gone legal for prescription use.
        that wasn’t why she had it, but still.

      • C4TWOMAN

        He batter share…

        • mancityRed6

          there was definitely an Indica blend there. it was lovely.

  • amrak63

    “Imagine vegan buttholes, yodeling all as one…”

    Which, come to think of it, wouldn’t sound any worse than Yoko’s “singing”.

    • The Wanderer

      Or Roseanne’s.

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      “Imagine them? I can *smell* the yodeling!”

  • Ryan Denniston

    “At least Chick
    Publications is smart enough to mention, throughout the page, that
    tracts are a supplement to, not a substitute for, candy”

    Bootstraps or GTFO.

    • mancityRed6

      instructions on how to make bootstraps. what are you, some kinda pinko commie socialist?

      • Ryan Denniston

        If you don’t know how to make them, you gotta pick yourself by your own bootstraps and figure it out.

        • gallbladder

          Then we’re all fucked.

          • Ryan Denniston

            Maybe not, I think we refer to these situations as tautologies.

        • mancityRed6

          but not before you bedazzle them. I mean, come on, who wants to lift themselves up by dingy, plain bootstraps? I have a kit I can sell you for $200. make your bootstraps the envy of the neighborhood.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That’s assuming you haven’t already eaten them in the post-GOPalypse chaos.

      • Bobathonic

        What, you think critical knowledge is free?

        • mancityRed6

          well, if they can’t stand in line for the internets at their local underfunded public library, then I just don’t know what to tell them.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • mancityRed6

      why don’t you take those social regulations and shove ’em up your…
      wait, got way too into it again, didn’t I?
      was I singing out loud again?
      did I say that?
      shit.

  • Suse

    My family was finally allowed into the fire-ravaged neighborhood yesterday to sift through the rubble. My niece posted this on FB https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1939b2c5f45bc4d663e81e85d4a3d86b74a3e75cb29310e55934af56e4d7268d.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e1d50d73e134a94ad5844c035b76d80add1a80df82430486aaacbad06660e225.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/18ac5ce479fca9c5f58bd0b80feccd9c7307f5ba864dea8d4a9db17af9d03ee5.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b5f5d47a130800b1cb4c1ec26034a426e6978e59a54a7f26f6122e43511736b2.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ac825eb3b1eebc0146ec4ff396f981ee629d1a4d9a4b55f5166350186b322b27.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/68e36ffaf73c6eed11f61fe64fc8a6e79cb2c45bb129efd2f32de4c9f9658170.jpg https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9c1055f9cce63022108d33d7b6b01acb3b39dcf550589f53305ad9e185c59c75.jpg : “Oh, friends. We were finally allowed to go to my dad’s house in Fountaingrove, Santa Rosa. Clearly the fire was extraordinarily hot, and the winds were fierce. Even things like toilets, quartz countertops and a marble sculpture were but dust and ash. Books melted on our gloved hands. Things were found nowhere near where we thought we’d find them. There is really not one thing that can be salvaged, although, we did “salvage” the wreckage anyway, in order to help my dad document proof of ownership of certain items. Do you see the flag, untouched? The Cal Fire Chief, Amy Head, came by midday to return my dad’s flag. She was driving by just after evacuation on Monday, Oct. 9 at about 2 AM. Dad and Karen had evacuated. The house was already engulfed in flames, and the fire was moving toward the garage. She stopped, dashed out of her truck and rescued the flag. She brought it to us today. Tears all around. There are so many good people helping, giving all they’ve got, lending a hand to strangers. It is amazing. We’re going back tomorrow. After that, I suspect we’ll say goodbye.”

    • WomanInThePersistence

      How’s your brother doing? And this is horrible.

      • Suse

        He’s decided not to rebuild. He and his GF are staying at a friend’s house. As soon as the insurance stuff is done, they’re going traveling. They’ve both lived in the bay area all of their lives,but now talking about getting out of CA for good.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I just wish them happiness. I can’t imagine losing my house to a fire.

          • Suse

            I’m just happy they got out with their lives. Many people didn’t, especially older ones. Two more bodies from their neighborhood were found the other day.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Im so sorry to hear that.

          • Suse

            It’s just awful. Many people died because there was no electricity and they couldn’t open their garage doors. :-(

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            They could, but they didn’t know how. The authorities really should make an effort to spread that information around.

          • Suse

            The evacuation warnings were too little too late. The authorities didn’t want to panic people!

          • willi0000000

            pull the cord . . . if you can’t remember that, remember that most cars are tougher than garage doors.

          • shivaskeeper

            They panicked and forgot to pull the cord to disengage the motor. Fuck.

        • janecita

          That’s so sad, but I’m really glad that your family is alright. I hope that your brother,and his girlfriend, get to enjoy many years of happy travels.

        • Three Finger Salute
          • Suse

            Sweet – thanks.

    • gallbladder

      Moving.

    • Johnatx

      I am so sorry.

    • Ryan Denniston

      I’m sorry for your losses. Hoping it doesn’t spread to southern Oregon where my mom lives.

    • mancityRed6

      that just plain fucking sucks. I have no words.
      well, other than those. and these.

    • shivaskeeper

      Upvote for support. That’s shitty though.

      • Suse

        Thanks. How did that stupid iPod survive relatively unscathed?

        • shivaskeeper

          At a guess, I would say the heat flashed over it.

        • The Wanderer

          Could the same people that make Nokia phones make iPod casings?

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          Apple product. Indestructible.

        • redarmyzombie

          Satan, obviously.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      I can’t even imagine what that must be like. An entire life reduced to ash.

    • redarmyzombie

      I’m so sorry, Suse. An elderly aunt of mine had to evacuate a while back. Still waiting to hear how things have gone for her…

  • Master Contrail Program

    Even better than Chick Tracts were Crusader Comics. Out of all the funny books I had as a youth I wish I’d have kept these for the shlock value. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1f3093092a986c67dfc2f37141e3af14436f4f165967dc435ff35679a15782bd.jpg Buford T.Justice captures the real Bandit!https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5dc424b279be553cb4ee44487ee95766d707cc11ab0bab6bf63dbac5f774a9f4.jpg Whoops! How’d this get here? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0283aa0ba542f927fed8c5cbc64b573fd929a9cffeb076f784bc7da87970d827.jpg

  • Johnatx

    Howdy

    • gallbladder

      Doing well?

      • Johnatx

        Just got off the treadmill.

      • Johnatx

        So, a bit pooped, but otherwise ok

        • Johnatx

          This should’ve gone below the treadmill non-comment

        • Mary Theresa

          Are you wearing adult diapers? It helps when you’re pooped.

    • Christopher Story

      Hi

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Ummm….hello

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      Hey. :)

    • Serai 1
  • Three Finger Salute

    OT: Speaking of demons from below, spread the word: Canada’s local milk boy has poached a nerdy Ben Shapiro clone from Infowars North (Rebel Media) as his campaign manager, and they’re fanning the flames of hate to try and fake-news their way back into Parliament.

    The MSM there is a con-controlled mafia who is not hammering him on it as much as they really should. There was a Snow Nazi rally in Toronto yesterday that was met by a roughly equivalent amount of counter-demonstrators (about 300-400 total, 175-200 on each side), and the hatemongers are dialing up the Internet death threats to 11 against Our Justin and literally everyone in his family. I’ve even seen in commenting sections a growing number of threats made against his kids, because now the Harper LARPers are determined to “stop a dynasty in its tracks.”

    This was found written on a bench somewhere and it’s only the tip of the iceberg. You go over to YouTube and they’re planning to pull a Westboro at Gord Downie’s funeral. “Not polite” is the understatement of the current year.

    https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iK79ZtRxbso/WexlR-WpxPI/AAAAAAABP2Q/sjIO5NDjIrMKAyx1ywleEoSNVj6OsIZmACLcBGAs/s640/trudeau%2Bbench.jpg

    • gallbladder

      FUCK ALL CONSERVATIVES.

    • Johnatx

      That sucks.

      • Three Finger Salute

        They’re unhinged, and they’re scary. The media’s complicity in it is what’s even more troubling. Sainte-Foy was Canada’s Charleston church shooting and it should have been a warning sign for the cons to purge their version of Birchers and Trumpster Fires, but instead they doubled down on it — while the media just nods their bobble heads. Postmedia is a monopoly and even the CBC has a majority of leftover Harperites on their board of directors. Nobody is giving Justin and the Liberals a fair shake, including their own version of the Sanders spoiler cult in the NDP. Ezra Levant is their Alex Jones, and now his proximity to Scheer’s candidacy leaves him dangerously close to becoming Bannon North.

        If it wasn’t for the “lying press,” Scheer would have been banned from the party simply for associating with Rebel Media, and every last one of these snow Nazis would be as publicly shamed as the wannabe kiddy fiddlers who got on the wrong side of Chris Hansen. They want Justin’s head (not just his nice hair) for no other reason than he’s nice. But to the “wrong people.”

    • amrak63

      What a bunch of fookin’ hosers, eh.

      Take off, eh!

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Seriously? They’re going to do something that despicable?

      • Three Finger Salute

        They might not actually do it, but you don’t know until the day arrives. A lot of times these “rallies” end up being all bluster. Westboro itself was going to picket Robin Williams’ funeral, but nothing happened. But the fact that the crowd in Toronto was roughly matched on both sides (“many, many sides”) appears to indicate a tipping point to be on the lookout for. The snow Nazis are not going away, and they seem to have found their golden boy. Just like Trump makes Bush look sane and competent, Scheer makes Harper look nice. His mob is literally an overlap of the Charlottesville MAGA hats, and the press is severely underestimating how toxic he and his hate base really are. They’re portraying him as a respectable “opposition leader” in Parliament, even though he’s giving free reign for Trumpism to take over the Conservative Party of Canada.

    • Cat Cafe

      So, Putin is stretching his venomous claws over to the Nice Neighborhood. We have to do whatever we can to help….

      • Three Finger Salute

        Vlad Poutine has got to be part of it. Koch and Mercer money has been pouring into the oil patch for years ever since Harper opened the bigot spigot. Rebel’s finances need to be looked at. Levant is broke and owes bigly money for a reno job on his well-out-of-his-means home in Toronto. Parliament just passed a version of the Magnitsky Act and it’s on its way to the Senate where it is also likely to pass. Vlad hates Chrystia Freeland, the Foreign Minister who has been a tireless critic of the mad czar — and he hates Justin too, for letting in Chechen refugees, marching at Pride and being a beacon of hope for maltreated LGBT in Russia who share Trudeau memes on darknets that are being cracked down on.

        The #1 reason these hatemongers want Justin dead isn’t carbon pricing or Morneau’s tax bill or refugees or even the “he’s a Muslim” recycled Obama conspiracy theory. It’s because they believe he is gay. By far, the majority of anti-Trudeau propaganda on social media depicts him as a girl, spreads lies about the parentage of his kids (“Sophie had them with Sacha because ‘Justine’ is a cuck”), calls him homophobic slurs… The Christian fascists in the prairies like Jason Kenney, Brad Trost, and Scheer himself are bad enough already, but this crap has been dialed up so much to the extreme that it has to have Russian fingerprints on it.

        Combine that with Facebook all of a sudden saying they’re going to help “secure” the 2019 Canadian federal elections, and you’ve got the makings of something rotten in Ottawa.

  • Stulexington

    Nightmare Moon does not approve.

    • The Wanderer

      I doubt Nightmare Moon approves of a lot of things.

    • redarmyzombie

      Fear the Old Blood!

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    Jesus don’t love me, this I know
    Cause my skin ain’t white as snow.

    • amrak63

      Actually, He does, but you capture the barely-concealed racism of much of the “Christian” Right accurately.

      • John Thorstensen

        A Dartmouth colleague of mine, Randall Balmer, has written many popular articles on the origin of the Religious Right, based on his extensive scholarly research.

        It’s worth a google. Basically, you’re even more correct than you might think.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          Wow. Something to go through later.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Federal Bureau of Investigation is special-ordering a pair of “tiny handcuffs,” an F.B.I. spokesman confirmed on Wednesday.

    • The Wanderer

      (giggles)

  • Serai 1

    Just cheering myself up with this glorious bit of 60’s Anglophilic nonsense courtesy of Dick Van Dyke and the Sherman Brothers. Goddess, the legs on that man! And check out the joy in his smile – that’s a guy who LOVES to dance.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avyd9IVmYMQ

  • Thiazin Red

    I do think a Halloween party based on the saints could be cool, the deaths were pretty gruesome and the guests would have a lot of chances to show off makeup skills. Although, for someone in a St Sebastian costume sitting with all the arrows would be tricky.

    The one about the origins of Halloween reminds me of Halloween 3.

    • Kiri the Unicorn
      • I could be St. Dymphna (Irish) patron saint of the mentally ill. No costume needed.

    • The Wanderer

      Hmm. A Saint Bartholomew costume would be interesting. He was skinned alive. (snaps fingers) Got it. You show up and if anyone asks where’s your flayed skin you reply, “I’m wearing it as a cardigan.”

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I would dress as Saint Columba, and bring the Loch Ness Monster as my date.

      • C4TWOMAN

        And Saint Patrick could ask Medusa out…

    • motmelere

      Make sure the kiddos tell who they’re the patron of! Roasted alive? Cooks love you! Skinned? You have the tanners’ backs. Christianity is more fun when you truly embrace the cruel irony.

  • Cat Cafe

    OT: you guys, this is an escalation of Russian tactics by the Trump admin. Abominable. If they start limiting visas of people fighting the villainous murderers, it’s opening the door to limiting travel by Americans, a la 1930s Germany. We have to step up and protest on this one. At least make our voices heard. The guy is risking his life–this is all getting buried by bullshit in the media, but this is ground zero of their attacks and why (the Magnitsky sanctions). https://twitter.com/Billbrowder/status/922177094129541121

    • Three Finger Salute

      Or everyone run to Canada like in the Handmaid’s Tale…

      • SDGeoff3

        Me, I’m brushing up on Swedish.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Well, that wasn’t exactly what I’d expected to read at NRO.

    • miss_grundy

      Dotard takes his marching orders from Pooty, so Mr. Browder cannot travel to America. I hear knives sharpening–ACLU is that you?

  • janecita
    • Bill D. Burger

      Prequel to His Dark Materials. Stunningly positive reviews.

      https://twitter.com/ioanmarcjones/status/920963378968973314

      • If anyone likes Scandinavian thrillers, I have Jo Nesbo’s Harry Hole series
        1-10. They’ve made a movie. coming out soon, about one of them The Snowman. I would be happy to send them to someone. All I would need is the postage for it cause I am a poor. I have to find out what the book rate is and also how to get in touch. ;

    • puredog

      First in a trilogy that is all a prequel to His Dark Materials. And the reviews have been uniformly flattering.

  • jaylen

    Traditional?(See: crusades)

    • C4TWOMAN

      Ahem… comments plagerism!
      Exactly what I said in another thread… right down to the syntax and format!
      (Coincidence or conspiracy? *Side eye*)

      • Jamoche

        It’s a spam account – it reposts comments from other users to build up an appearance of being a real account. Distinguishing marks are the fake comments, low comment history, and a generic disqus-generated account name: disqus_aRULzF9nok

        Flag as impostor and block.

        • C4TWOMAN

          Gasp. I do declare I feel violated!…
          …or would if we allowed comments.

          *Flags comment*

        • SDGeoff3

          Thank you. Done and done.

  • Chick Tracts not your style?

    Try their dirty cousins, Tijuana Bibles!

    WARNING: CRUDE DIRTY DRAWINGS OF MICKEY MOUSE, DONALD DUCK, JOHN DILLINGER, BLONDIE AND DAGWOOD, J. WELLINGTON WIMPY, ETC. AHEAD

    http://dangerousminds.net/comments/tijuana_bibles_cheap_nasty_comic_books

    • The Wanderer

      Whee! Our forebears were every bit as nasty as we are. They just weren’t so open about it.

      • mancityRed6

        I’ve read enough Marquis de Sade to know that there is _literally_ nothing new under the sun.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          I have read enough Marquis de Sade to know where Ayn Rand cribbed the naughty bits from. And also too the politics.

          • mancityRed6

            note to self: never read Ayn Rand.

          • Carpe Vagenda

            No, seriously, if you’ve read Atlas Shrugged you don’t have to, unless you insist on heterosexual anal sex in your dominance pern.

        • The Wanderer

          Yep. I’m still honked off at the gal who filched my copy of Justine.

          • mancityRed6

            I have read that book.

          • Three Finger Salute

            Whatever you do, don’t let the Rebel Media commenters know that book exists.

  • SDGeoff3

    Handing out Chick Tracts by the fire is not a good idea.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      Unless you’re a secret pyromaniac.

      • SDGeoff3

        Well, come to mention…

  • Suse

    Hey, guys. This is not intended to be a sales pitch, but do any of you know what I should do with 40 year old DC super hero stuff? I have a bunch of collectible character stamps in their original packages, as well as the albums to put them in. I also have the same from the original Star Trek series. I don’t really want to put them on eBay.

    • SDGeoff3

      Maybe get online and find some collector clubs.

      • Suse

        This article reminded me that I had these because my dad gave them out for Halloween.

        • SDGeoff3

          Tell your former neighbors. We will wait for the shrieks.

        • SDGeoff3

          PS, What a dad he must have been.

        • Kneeling Bozilingus

          Give them out for Halloween and become the most popular neighbor evah!

      • shivaskeeper

        This also, too.

    • shivaskeeper

      Ebay would have been my recommendation. If not, find a reputable comic store and see if they know.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Got a local comics shop? Walk in and ask the owner. Even if they’re not buying, you’ll get an idea of what the value is.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      E-Bay? I know they fund The Intercept, but you can demand what you’re willing to accept.

  • Cat Cafe

    One more thing before I get off Twitter for the rest of the day–it’s so fucking depressing. But for really fucking enraging, this: https://twitter.com/Freeyourmindkid/status/921740133870731264

    • Stulexington

      You have the biggest military budget of anyone anywhere, why the fuck are you outsourcing???!!!

      • Bobathonic

        3. Profit!

        • RMKH

          It’s the Ferengi way!

          • SDGeoff3

            And underpants, also too.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        because a campaign advisor who donated a shitpile of money wants to sell you mercenaries?

      • miss_grundy

        Because the Pentagon loves to spend taxpayer money like a drunken sailor on liberty.

    • JCfromNC

      I read this story from a different series of tweets the other day, and someone here was saying there’s no source listed for it. It seems to only trace back to a Facebook post, which also doesn’t list any sources. So while it may be true — and certainly sounds plausible, given the general level of incompetence with this administration — I’m waiting for confirmation from a more reliable source.

      • mancityRed6

        contractors were used extensively in the last two campaigns. it’s something about an all volunteer workforce.

  • Bobathonic

    OT: USGP speaking as a lifelong Ferrari fan, that penalty on Max for passing Kimi “off track” was some authentic Texas BS.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Rodney Howard-Browne, Who Prayed Over Trump, Says Hollywood Is Rife With Human Sacrifice And Cannibalism

    “They sacrifice children at the highest levels in Hollywood,” Howard-Browne declared. “They drink blood of young kids. This is a fact. That is why the next thing to be exposed will be all the pedophilia that is going to come out of Hollywood and out of Washington, D.C. The human sacrifice and the cannibalism has been going on for years. Some of you say, ‘Oh, they don’t do that.’ It’s worse than what you think. You remember when the whole spirit cooking thing came out? That’s commonplace, ladies and gentlemen. And many of the Hollywood actors that you go see on a screen, what you don’t know [is] they bring a witch, they do a big seance right there on the set and they worship devils and they allow devils to come into them before they take the part of what they’re going to act. It’s a fact what I am telling you.”

    Necrophilia is right out.

    https://youtu.be/3DlN4Sh06po?t=160

    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/rodney-howard-browne-who-prayed-over-trump-says-hollywood-is-rife-with-human-sacrifice-and-cannibalism/

    • mancityRed6

      why oh why do I not get invited to these parties?

    • The Wanderer

      Wow. This fucker’s so dense light bends around him. He’s an event horizon of Stupid.

      • shivaskeeper

        His followers will at least pretend to believe him though. It’s all part of the LARP they play where they get to pretend they are righteous and pure and better than everyone around them while not having to do anything to actually be more righteous or better.

        I mean how hard do you have to work at being a good person if you think your neighbor is a human sacrificing cannibal?

        • Kiri the Unicorn

          That’s a very interesting perspective: “I’m a hateful waste of space and oxygen, but at least I ain’t no cannibal! Jesus loves me!”

          • Three Finger Salute

            Nah, I think they’d forgive cannibals. As long as said cannibals didn’t use food stamps or support the program continuing to exist.

          • shivaskeeper

            That is what it boils down too, yes.

            They know they are lying and role playing. If ty actually believed that human sacrifice and cannibalism was rampant in Hollywood, they would have to do something about it. I don;t mean write a letter to an elected official or the local paper, I mean physically do something. Knowing a murder was about to go down and not doing anything to stop it makes them an accessory to it.

            That fact that they don’t do anything about it and are surprised when someone in their flock doesn’t get the memo that this is all make believe and inevitably shoots up a movie set to stop this from happening is the clue to it. Just like the assholes who shoot up abortion clinics to stop the murder and get the shocked reaction from the rest of them wondering where they got that idea. Or the idiots who shoot a floor in a pizza shop looking for a basement get the same shocked reaction.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            I guess I missed a lot by being brought up in a largely secular household.

          • shivaskeeper

            I wouldn’t say you missed anything.

        • Ellie

          That’s exactly right! That’s why this crap never goes away because of course we are not human sacrificing cannibals, so are righteous. Fred Clark who writes the blog Slacktivist has written about this phenomenon several times.

          • shivaskeeper

            Fred is where I first heard the idea several years ago. He has also talked about how they get addicted to to outrage so they keep having to ramp up the outrage. This is a prime example of that.

      • OutOfOrbit

        GOOD ONE WOO HOO!!!

    • shivaskeeper

      I know this is a silly question, but the good Mr Howard-Browne of course included some corroborating evidence right? Police reports, or coroner’s reports? Missing persons reports? Locations of the mass graves where they dispose of whatever parts they aren’t eating?* Something to back it up other than his true word? No?

      * It would have to be mass graves. When you are sacrificing and cannibalizing that many people, (I mean have you looked at movie credits? Do you understand how many people are on set to feed?), you just don;t have the time to dig individual graves.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        How much does it cost to rent an excavator, anyway? Asking for a friend.

        • shivaskeeper

          Not much. Transporting it can be a more expensive than the actual machine depending on the size of the machine.

          Better to find someone who had a larger tractor with a backhoe attachment that you can borrow. That way there is no rental agreement paperwork tying you to it.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            You’ve done this before, haven’t you?

          • shivaskeeper

            Working with trackhoes, backhoes, and tractors, yes. Digging mass graves, no.

          • Three Finger Salute

            You sure have worked with a lot of hoes 😝

          • shivaskeeper

            Yup. The diesel powered hydraulically operated hoes are far superior to the hand operated hoes. But the hand operated hoes allow for some serious precision.

          • Three Finger Salute

            “hand-operated hoes”

            Is that anything like a Coin-Operated Boy?

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4gPZPKJc0s

          • shivaskeeper

            Similar.

          • OutOfOrbit

            riiiight

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            I’m relieved!

          • shivaskeeper

            I would have the courtesy to do individual graves in any case.

        • OutOfOrbit

          in a case like this you need a large trenching machine

    • Bill D. Burger

      Sounds as though the stupid theocraptastic’ Fundie has been binge watching George Romero, Wes Craven, Rob Zombie and Tobe Hooper and thinks those movies are real.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Republicans have been blurring fiction and reality since forever. They made Network and Idiocracy into documentaries last year. They can’t wait for Dr. Strangelove to be next on the list — and they really want to retcon the ending of Canadian Bacon even though they hate Michael Moore.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Um, what party sacrificed the blood of an untold number of “unbeliever” Muslims and soldiers for Mammon to appease Shrub’s spook pappy and Darth Cheney on the dark side? What party turned a blind eye and laughed as AIDS victims were dropping like flies? What party shrugs “too soon” and then goes back to ancestor worship of the Founders every time some bad guy with a gun commits blood sacrifice of dozens if not hundreds of innocent bystanders? Fuck, even besides that, what party elected a Hollywood dementia patient who used astrology to decide whether or not to go to fucking war with the Soviet Union? Look in the mirror, GOP! Your reflection might not be there — but we all see the demon for what you are!

    • Well, that certainly explains Shia Labeouf.

      • No. Not even Satan himself explains Shia Lebeouf.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

      • miss_grundy

        HBO is showing “Constantine”. I think that was one of the first movies I saw him in.

        • Three Finger Salute

          You’re outside the age range of Disney’s “Even Stevens” I guess.

    • my feet are normal

      Just yesterday I started writing a thing about how the only crime they haven’t accused liberals of yet is cannibalism.

      And now, this.

      • Three Finger Salute

        I thought they only believed cannabis was evil, not cannibals.

    • Duke

      I often do blood sacrifices.

      During my car projects.

      • I worship at the altar of busted knuckles myself.

      • shivaskeeper

        Who doesn’t? I’ll manage to bust a knuckle when there should be no chance to bust a knuckle on the project,

    • Holly

      Golly! Who knew? It goes way beyond the Hillz.Pizza.Child.Sex.Slave.Basement thing? You know they have all the proof they need to because “it’s a fact”.

    • Ellie

      I’m feeling overwhelmed again.

    • amrak63

      https://i.imgur.com/LW612IJ.jpg

      But that’s OK with the fundies, ‘coz Cheeto Face hates ni*CLANG*s as much as they do.

      • Khavrinen

        Don’t forget, hates Mooslims, too!

    • amrak63

      Uh-huh, and why does Reverend Rodney get to say these things at all?

      Why hasn’t the all-powerful Satanic Librul Cabal killed him long before now?

      Kinda like why haven’t the Evil All-Powerful Clintons killed off all those people who make their fucking LIVING “exposing” the “crimes” of the Clintons?

    • miss_grundy

      Evangelical grifters are nut-burgers.

    • Perkniticky

      What, widespread sexual assault is too boring for him?

  • Werewolf

    OT: sometimes life sucks. My wife and my stepdaughter are taking a dog that we’ve had for the past year to meet his possible new human. He’s a great dog, but not a good fit for us. My daughter and I just said goodbye. I tell her-and myself-to look at it as we fostered him and now he’s going to his forever home. But we’re both crying.

    • mancityRed6

      look at it like this…now you have time to foster another.

      • Werewolf

        We have another dog-I’ve had her for five years. But when I got married, my stepdaughter wanted her own dog, so my wife got her this one. Didn’t work out. I hate giving up a dog, even if I know it’s to a good home.

        • mancityRed6

          this weekend I was reminded of a memory that I had completely blocked and hidden and forgotten about.
          it was about the same.

        • shivaskeeper

          The thing about keeping a dog is that you have to do what’s best for the dog, not what’s best for you. It sucks sometimes, but if it;s the right thing to do…

          Of course this does nothing to diminish the pain,

    • Anna Elizabeth, Diva

      ~hugs~

    • SDGeoff3

      Maybe there are some nice times with the dog that you can recall. Take care.

      • Werewolf

        There are. Thanks.

    • OutOfOrbit

      ain’t no gettin around it. gotta go thru’ it. that is all

      • Werewolf

        Yep.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      But if you’re not the right fit, is it a kindness to keep him from someone who is?

      • Werewolf

        I know it’s for the best, I just hate saying goodbye.

        • Carpe Vagenda

          Yeah, that part sucks.

    • Bill D. Burger
    • mancityRed6

      take pictures and you’ll never forget.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      That is one of the reason I don’t foster cats. I get attached so quickly, and I know I would be a basket case when I had to say goodbye.

      • Kiri the Unicorn