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sharpest knife in the drawer

Pity Trump idiot/former campaign foreign policy adviser Carter Page, the stupidest American person Russian intelligence ever did recruit, for he is having a bad week. He swears he is innocent of all Trump-Russia crimes, and to that effect, he wants to testify SO BAD for the Senate Intelligence Committee in order to clear his pure and holy name. More accurately, he probably knows deep in his heart how guilty he is and wants to make sure he gets to go to a fun prison where they get to watch SpongeBob and eat Fruit Roll-Ups.

And bless his heart! He WANTS to turn over all the documents the committee has requested, but he just can’t right now, because #reasons. So now he says he’s going to “plead the Fifth” on turning over those documents, while still DEMANDING to testify:

Former Trump foreign policy adviser Carter Page told CNN Monday he is going to plead the Fifth Amendment to keep from turning over a “vast array” of documents the Senate Intelligence committee requested, which he said is “beyond the charter” of the inquiry.

But Page demanded an opportunity to testify publicly before the panel, saying he offered to appear November 1 at the committee’s open hearing on Russian attempts to influence the election through social media.

Does that make sense? ONLY IF YOU ARE THE SQUIRRELS LIVING INSIDE CARTER PAGE’S PRECIOUS BRAIN.

What’s up his ass is that the government ILLEGALLY (legally) pulled a FISA warrant on him last year, with the stated purpose of “If it quacks like a duck, it’s probably a Russian spy.” Page is a star of the Steele Dossier for traveling to Russia, maybe to facilitate the transfer of a 19% stake in Russian oil conglomerate Rosneft to (????) in exchange for lifting American sanctions. And the Trump administration admits he went to Russia at that time! Also too, KA-CHING! A sale much like that took place just after the election! Probably a crazy coincidence.

Obviously, a FISA judge agreed Page needed to have a “wire tapp” put inside his bottom. Indeed, the application for the warrant stated that Page was “knowingly engaged in clandestine intelligence activities for Moscow.” KNOWINGLY.

However, Page has a different belief about the CIA tracking chip that may or may not be implanted under his left testicle, and it is that the surveillance was ordered by the Hillary Clinton Deep #Pizza State. No foolin’, y’all! He thinks he’s being targeted so Hillary can Clinton Body Count his civil rights with her emails, because of how she hates Catholics like him. REALLY.

Which brings us back to this week! Page doesn’t want to hand over documents unless the government tells him all the sexxxy Russian things they caught him saying through the “wire tapp” in his Down Theres. That way he can make sure he doesn’t commit the crime of perjury when he testifies:

Page contends that he does not want to be caught in a “perjury trap” since the government has more detailed records about his communications.

PSSSST! Carter Page, sweetheart, babydoll, love of our lives, you fucking dolt: We don’t think you’re supposed to say that out loud.

If we’re interpreting him correctly, he’s saying he’s REAL mad the gubmint put a tiny CIA man inside his pee hole, to listen to his contacts with the Russians (AND MAYBE TO LISTEN TO HIS THOUGHTS, YOU DON’T KNOW), and he really needs the tiny CIA man to come out and say what he heard, SO HE WON’T FUCK UP AND LIE UNDER OATH.

Does he have brain damage? Has he ever heard of the age-old strategy of avoiding a perjury charge by NOT LYING?

Also, can you plead the Fifth for “documents”? Can you testify AND plead the Fifth? Wonkette resident lawyer Five Dollar Feminist in the Secret Chatcave says “Probably no” and “Oh fuck off.”

And what will happen when Page tries to do the thing he can’t do? Oh, the Senate Intel Committee will just nut-punch him repeatedly:

In May, Senate intelligence chairman Richard Burr told CNN that Page could face subpoenas if he does not cooperate, warning that the investigation was not “100% voluntary.”

It’s a shame GOP Senator Richard Burr is aiding and abetting Hillary Clinton’s war against America’s Most Stupidest Catholic Russian Spy.

He probably eats pizza too. Disgusting.

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  • CripesAmighty

    He so wishes he were Man of Mystery G. Gordon Liddy. Sorry, son, with that lisp and twitch, you’re not gonna carry it off.

    • LucindathePook

      Maybe if he held his hand in a candle flame…

  • Christopher Story

    Wait, this guy seriously requested to see the evidence against him so he can get his story straight!?!

    • BRILLIANT!

    • WeaselPoo

      He’s the sharpest soy based spork in a drawerful of nerf mallets, I tell you whut!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Like you never crammed before an exam!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Huh. I thought Devin Nunes cleared all this up with his visit to the White House that one time.

    • bubbuhh

      He heavy into unclearin at teh moment. Mueller reamin his azz with ackshul investigatin

    • WeaselPoo

      This one time, at White House Dumpster Fire Camp….

  • JMP

    Wait, can we be sure Carter Page is “the stupidest American person Russian intelligence ever did recruit” – what about Jarrod and Donald Trump Jr.?

    • bubbuhh

      Itz a long long list in the competition. mebbe, they should all take IGoose Tests.

  • bubbuhh

    Does Carter Page know the difference between #PleadTheFifth and #DrinkAFifth?

    • Ill-Advised

      Testimony will be interesting, if he doesn’t. In vino veritas!

      Assuming, of course, that he doesn’t slur. Court reporters and judges hate that.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    he is going to plead the Fifth…

    But Page demanded an opportunity to testify publicly before the panel

    I’ve heard of multitasking, but Jesus…

  • Bill D. Burger

    OT…but had to note:
    Just now:
    *Boy Scouts vote to allows girls to join fully. Phasing in over two years, girls will begin as cub scouts next year and the progression will allow them to begin a path to eagle scout.

    ___ NBC

    (*Can’t wait for Dotard Don to tellem’ a few stories about orgies on yachts and other Family Values’ moronic tales.)

    • BearGHAZI

      Throw in the towel, America, because IT’S OVER

      • Seek

        I would pay good money and a bunch of it to watch the first time some young whip smart and confident girl walks into a Scout meeting down at the nearest Mormon Temple and insists upon joining up. The pearl clutching amongst the Elders will be a site to behold.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Joining an all-male organization will give the girls a headstart on getting harrassed by assoles with dicks.

  • He thinks he’s being targeted so Hillary can Clinton Body Count his civil rights with her emails, because of how she hates Catholics like him. REALLY.

    There’s a part of me that really wishes Hillary were the all-powerful evil she-devil mafia queen the Cons make her out to be. I’d be enjoying some delicious popcorn right now as she settled score with everyone in the Republican party and news media.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    “Perjury trap.” Wow. That’s just about as much “How can I lie good if I don’t know what lies you know I’m lying?” as it gets. If there could be a conspiracy of one, to lie, that would almost be it…

  • SweetDeeKat

    Subpoenas are coming, you dumbfuck. Also, we have this rule in Bob Loblaw land that you aren’t permitted, let alone have a right, to hear someone’s testimony before you give your own. “What he said” don’t fly under oath.

    (Rule is different when you are on trial, but forget it in this kind of proceeding.)

  • jesuswasablack

    “Perjury Trap”
    How can I get away with lying under oath if they already know I’m lying, not fair!
    https://cdn.education.com/files/598001_599000/598617/file_598617.jpg

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    He thinks he’s being targeted so Hillary can Clinton Body Count his civil rights with her emails, because of how she hates Catholics like him. REALLY.

    Wingnuts, if Hillary were as efficient as you seem to think she is, why isn’t she POTUS…
    …unless THAT’S PART OF THE PLAN!!! Look out, she’s the one who is really pulling the strings!!!!!!
    /FFS

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Say, you know who else didn’t want to be caught in a “perjury trap”?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Bill Clinton?

    • The Wanderer

      Ed Meese III?

      • Spurning Beer

        I hate those Meeses to pieces.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Every GOP politician right now?

    • DainBramage

      Lindsay Lohan or Hayley Mills? Oh, you said “Perjury Trap.”

    • Baconzgood

      Baconzgood?

    • armed_bears

      Little Lyin’ Donald?

    • Msgr_MΩment
    • calliecallie

      The Witness for the Prosecution?

  • dslindc

    What a moran!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Has he ever heard of the age-old strategy of avoiding a perjury charge by NOT LYING?

    If he tells the truth, he’s fucked. And if he lies he’s fucked. Sucks to be him.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      I think he should go with ‘fucked’.

  • The Wanderer

    I might want to recommend the Tucker Telephone (with votes, of course) to persuade Mr. Page.

    • Oblios_Cap

      He would certainly get a charge outta that.

      • The Wanderer

        That’s a very current joke.

        • Resistance Fighter Callyson

          You’re a real live wire.

          • MynameisBlarney

            We need to amp up these puns.

    • FlownΩver

      ACWYDT

  • goonemeritus

    I always make my wife fully disclose what I am apologizing for before I make my mea culpas. I don’t want to run the risk of admitting something she hasn’t discovered yet.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Christopher Story

      Yes, yes we are

    • bubbuhh

      Bottle and butt plug. How…ecological.

  • DerrickWildcat

    They all have to swear on the Bible. So they have to tell the truth cuz God is watching them.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Just like they swear to God to stay married to the same person for the rest of their lives.

  • jesuswasablack
  • LesBontemps

    Carter Page: the Trump campaign’s Jethro Bodine of double-naught spycraft.

  • msanthropesmr

    Perjury trap. The Haley Mills version or the Lindsay Lohan one?

  • Baconzgood

    Tell me what I can lie about.

    Not a good philosophy.

  • jesuswasablack

    I’ll bet the CIA planted the wire in this:

    http://www.huhmagazine.co.uk/images/uploaded/putin_buttplug_02.jpg

    • armed_bears

      Upvote, but ick, also too.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Msgr_MΩment

      Trump has the strangest boner right now.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      I saw this. Tone deaf doesn’t even cover it.

    • Christopher Story

      Shut the fuck up, Zuck. Hug a poor, donate you vast wealth, and at least pretend to be magnanimous

    • wide_stance_hubby

      “And at that moment, he became president.”

  • ManchuCandidate

    Doltopussy

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Obviously, a FISA judge agreed Page needed to have a “wire tapp” put inside his bottom.

    Don’t wiretapp dat ass.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “He probably eats pizza too. Disgusting.”

    If he eats pizza, it’s frozen pizza. Sometimes he might even remember to take it out of the plastic before he puts it in the *shudder* microwave.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Canned pizza.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Pizza in a cup.

        • Erala Contratista

          Pizza MRE.

      • LesBontemps

        YOU MONSTER!

  • Daniel

    “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help yo…”
    “What’s ‘swear’?”
    “You know, promise.”
    “…Wait a minute! I see what’s going on here! You don’t get one over on Carter Page PhD that easily! Mrs. Page didn’t raise a dumbo, no sir!”
    “…Do you swear…”
    “You want me to promise to only tell the truth?!”
    “The whole truth…”
    “All of it? You must think I’m stupid, well I’m not stupid, not like they say! I’m smart!”
    “Are you refusing to take the oath?”
    “I want to take the oath! I want to take all of them, but right now I think the oath is the one I’ll take- the right not to incriminate myself! Ha! How do you like that, Mr. Deep State?”
    “I think you’re thinking of the fifth. But aside from that, this surely can’t have been a surprise to you…”
    “They never made me do this in Russia.”
    “Sir, I remind you you wanted to take the fifth.”
    “No! In Russia they used to let me tell them anything, anything at all, and it didn’t have to be true at all!”
    “Sir…”
    “So I told them everything, and you know what?”
    “Sir…”
    “THEY PAID ME REALLY WELL! Because they knew what they were getting when they got Carter Page, PhD.”

  • Msgr_MΩment

    and it is that the surveillance was ordered by the Hillary Clinton Deep Dish #Pizza State.

    Chicago-style, obvs.

  • MynameisBlarney

    This person may be a poster here…

    https://i.imgur.com/ctCBcYE.png

    • TJ Barke

      “It’s after six. What am I? A farmer?”.

  • Proud Liberal

    Okay, I’m still befuddled how I never heard about people like Carter Page, Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller before last year? Did they crawl out from under rocks or something?

    • MynameisBlarney

      Pretty much, yeah.

    • Paperless Tiger

      I think we kicked over the big one this time.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      I think they were hiding in the pile of shit known as neo-nazi white supremacists. They were un-people until Dolt 45 “empowered” them.

    • armed_bears

      AOT,K.

    • Paul Dietzel

      Yep, I’m with you; never heard of them either. And Bannon, after seven whole months of sleazin’ around the WH has now proclaimed himself as the savior (or destroyer depending on who you listen to) of the Repug Party. Like he now has so much clout and gravitas. As CripesAmighty says above, referring to Page (but I think could apply to any of this idiota) “He so wishes he were Man of Mystery G. Gordon Liddy.” I would offer that these guys want to be like the Liddys and Segrettis and the rest as portrayed in the movies. Remember what our ol’ buddy Deep Throat said “Forget the myths the media’s created about the White House. The truth is, these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand.”

  • Crystalclear12

    Trump was stupid enough to use this guy to commit treason.

    I am having trouble picking out the biggest idiot in that relationship.

    • jesterpunk

      AOT,K?

  • jesterpunk

    Hey Carter, you might want to just go to the nearest federal prison and turn yourself in before this hearing, Donny 2 scoops isnt going to help you here. He is already denying he even knew you.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Oh Carter….poor, dumb, naive, stupid Carter….

    [In May, Senate intelligence chairman Richard Burr told CNN that Page could face subpoenas if he does not cooperate, warning that the investigation was not “100% voluntary.”]

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/de574028c8808c53bce43a1fe9d8a24be88eb1b316c6a8c73487a6c830046a0e.gif

    • gallbladder

      Miller as a kid.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    In May, Senate intelligence chairman Richard Burr told CNN that Page could face subpoenas if he does not cooperate, warning that the investigation was not “100% voluntary.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/dbb16493f5b145d114a5276263cc99d44943a90d6c59c2ad166d7c72f6ceaca5.png

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Carter Page, PhD (Phuckin Dolt)

    • TJ Barke

      Pisshat Douche.

  • laughingnome

    I haz a question: how come Aldirch Ames and Robert Hanssen are in jail for spying for the Russkies and these dolts get to walk free?

    • Christopher Story

      Tax cuts

  • Anna Rompage

    What’s even more funny, is the Russian’s, who still likely have surveillance on all these inept nincompoops, are probably busting a stitch in laughter over all of these amateur maneuvers by Trump, his family, and the long list of his advisors with Russian ties…

    • MynameisBlarney

      And laughing even harder as they watch our country go batshit crazy.

    • WeaselPoo

      And maybe they are thinking….You know? THIS would make a great musical! Like Hamilton+ Blazing Saddles!

      • Msgr_MΩment

        The French Murrican Mistake.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Well, one small correction. Russians can’t laugh. We can only smirk mirthlessly.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • MrTusks

    I once deposed a guy who took notes on his own testimony, right there in front of me, so he could keep his lies straight.

    • Erala Contratista

      Wow! I’d almost pay real money to have sat in on that!

  • Michael R
    • armed_bears

      he seems nice.

  • Daniel

    “Page contends that he does not want to be caught in a “perjury trap”
    since the government has more detailed records about his communications.”

    “If you ask me stuff I am going to lie to you.”

  • BigCSouthside

    You know how you avoid perjury if you think it’s possible to get you on perjury in testimony?

    Just go with the fifth for every question. Every single one

    Jesus the mafia has been doing this forever. It’s not some secret

    • jesterpunk

      The mafia has actual rules and not a bunch of fucking morons in charge.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Say what you want about La Cosa Nostra. At least they have an ethos, man.

        • WeaselPoo

          Like Pathos and Avarice– the other two Three Mousketeers!

      • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

        This is why it’s called organized crime!

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Never, never mess with anal retentive crime!

    • MynameisBlarney

      Just like Rick Scott.

      • Natalie Au Natural Hedonist

        I was waiting for that how many times did he plead the 5th?

        • MynameisBlarney

          I can’t remember the exact number but as far as I know he still holds the record for the amount of times he plead the 5th.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      There’s the story of some dumb muscle who got called to testify. He had the fifth amendment language on a piece of paper that he read from every time they asked him a question. In the middle of his testimony he suffered a heart attack and collapsed. They asked if he wanted a doctor, and he repeated the language on the paper again.

  • I didn’t do it. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I plead the fifth, but I’ll talk to you about it, if I knew what it was, but I don’t. I mean, what documents?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Carter Page looks like he might be related to that Steven Miller character.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Well, according to Donald himself, pleading the 5th makes you guilty, guilty guilty!

  • TJ Barke

    Boy’s about as sharp as a bowlin’ ball.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Or a golf ball.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Or a wrinkled, sagging, orange Trump ball.

    • He’d have to study up to be a half-wit

  • armed_bears

    Trump: I’ll choose the best people for my administration.

    Let that sink in. He thinks he did.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      If these idiots are the best, I shudder to think what the ones who failed to meet his rigorous standards are like.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Basically anyone that wouldn’t kiss his ass failed the test.

        • YoBunnyBunny

          So upstanding citizens with an iota of self respect? Not bad actually.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Wait a week or two. He’s always finding more replacements as the rats desert the sinking ship.

      • Beanz&Berryz

        George Carlin has words for that…

    • laineypc

      It’s like infinity mirrors of derp.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    I hope they eat him for breakfast….I don’t like traitors….

  • ariel_gee_398

    If Trump-Russia is “Stupid Watergate”, does that make Carter Page Stupid G. Gordon Liddy?

    • bubbuhh

      G. Gordon Liddy wuz stoopit G. Gordon Liddy. Carter Page is just stoopit.

  • laughingnome

    That Page is an open book. A really stupid book.

    • Daniel

      The DaVinci Explicit Admission of Conspiracy

      • SDGeoff3

        Too many big words.

  • bubbuhh

    Carter Page will be very grateful when Lindsay Lohan tweets her support and belief in his big brain.

  • btwbfdimho

    Déjà Vu Economics:
    The DJ Index is a bubble, like the brain of DJ Trump. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a28009efc391ae7f2c8d0f3f3b855ac4d6fd6a508f8bd57a294ed38c8f3f71b9.png

  • Paperless Tiger

    I wonder how many of these paranoids kept a big juicy stash of evidence as insurance so they wouldn’t get left out of the big pay out.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    I hear the paste bill for the White House cafeteria is unbelievable.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      It used to be worse before Kelly started locking the supplies cupboard.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Ralph Wiggum libelz!

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    OTOTOTOTOT!!!!!!

    HOLY FUCK! HOW THE HELL CAN THEY DO THIS HORRIBLY UNNATURAL ANTI-CHRISTIAN THING? HOW WILL THEY KNOW WHAT OUT HOUSE TO USE?

    “Boy Scouts will allow girls to join”

    http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/11/us/boy-scouts-will-allow-girls-to-join/index.html

    • ariel_gee_398

      We already have hurricanes and wildfires, how many more messages of god’s disapproval will this bring?

      • WeaselPoo

        God delivers hurricanes, Jesus appears on toast. Neither tactic seems to be working.

        • SDGeoff3

          Just you wait until we get frogs, locusts and the heartbreak of psoriasis.

          • WeaselPoo

            Or sabbearaic dermatitis?

          • SDGeoff3

            At the very least.

        • Slamtundra

          What JC ought to do is, he ought to come down and say “Hey now, everybody, I’ll tell ya’ll what. I’ll turn as much water into wine as ya’ll want as long as ya’ll quit bein’ a buncha assholes to each other. How’s that sound?” I’m pretty sure JC would sound like Matthew McConaughey.

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Look for all the volcanoes in the red states to erupt next week.

    • MynameisBlarney

      They just gonna call ’em The Scouts now?

    • Shanzgood

      That’s definitely gonna change the dynamic of the overnight camping trips.

      • Erala Contratista

        Sea Scouts are integrated. Have been for some time. Boys and girls have own ships, but work on projects together.
        Just had a weekend drill with the Coasties. One of the exercises was moving big heavy stuff with fire hose, sort of a reverse tug of war.
        Love it! But am an olds

        • Shanzgood

          I’ve never heard of Sea Scouts!

          Maybe because I’m from Kansas?

          • Erala Contratista

            Sea Scouts are an Eagle Scout level thing in Boy Scouts. Girls used to be called Mariners.
            Here in NorCal there are quite a few Scout ships. Usually military surplus, plus small craft of various kinds.
            Kids maintain their ships/boats, compete in various maritime type contests, learn open water rescue stuff and lots more. I think you just need navigable water and Scout leaders.
            Boats, too
            It’s very very cool. There weren’t any in Arizona when I wuz a small.

          • Shanzgood

            That sounds great! All we have is 4-H…

    • Flashman

      What’s going to happen to all the gay scoutmasters?

  • Blanche de Shambles
  • btwbfdimho

    OT: we’re approaching the 100 year anniversary of the Soviet Revolution.
    https://twitter.com/Bolsheviks_1917/status/917718858177372160?s=09

    • Christopher Story

      Lol, wut?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Good luck with THAT!

    • bubbuhh

      Except that revolution died in its late sixties, around 1988.

      • Rocket Pony Ron

        I remember the funeral. The pallbearers got in a big fight because they all came from different parties. Those Maoists will cut a bitch.

  • chascates

    Boy scouts to let girls join, even become Eagle scouts.

    This should be interesting.

    • BigCSouthside

      Hmm. They must not have taken trump’s Boy Scouts hitler youth rally to heart

      • chascates

        They better be prepared for his tweets.

        • gallbladder

          I hear he’ll try and revoke their charter.

    • mancityRed6

      must be trying to break up the cookie cartel

    • puredog

      Some snowflake is going to complain when they start handing out merit badges for contraception, you just mark my words.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Why would a girl want to join Boy Scouts when Girl Scouts has been so much cooler for so long?

      • laineypc

        Boy scouts have better camps and serious outdoor skills training. Girl scouts are more enlightened for sure.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • gallbladder

      What a waste of ladders.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Apparently, they go through fold up tables and chair like crazy.

        • Rocket Pony Ron

          So the WWE is in the pocket of Big Folding Furniture?

          • MynameisBlarney

            Ayup!

    • Anna Rompage

      A white trash, steroid fueled, poor mans version of a tilt-a-whirl?

    • Christopher Story

      Cirque de Sole with testosterone and back stories

      • Snark Tank Full of Resistance

        Ooooo, I saw that one! It’s “Zumanity”!

        • TakingAmes

          Heh! Back stories.

    • Daniel

      These men are our last line of defence against the stepladder invasion.

      • weighmaster

        He’s not my REAL ladder!

        • Jon Sussex

          Bit of a lad was he?

    • jesterpunk

      The UN meeting took a strange turn when they decided to hang the talking stick from the rafters.

      • WeaselPoo

        And then the murders began.

    • Christopher Story

      Trump’s cabinet nomination process

    • Anna Rompage
      • jesterpunk
        • MynameisBlarney

          Looks like that one didn’t go as planned.

          • MrTusks

            That’s Shane McMahon, a.k.a. the Don, Jr. of the WWE. He sucked as an executive for the WWE, sucked after he struck out on his own, and now is known only for his ability to fall from really high places and not die. So, the fall went exactly as planned!

          • MynameisBlarney

            Ah…

            Well…good for him?

          • MrTusks

            Maybe!

          • ahughes798

            Everyone’s good at one thing, right?

          • Celtic_Gnome

            It’s a living.

          • wavicles

            At least had something to fall back on.

            What?

            sorry, not sorry

          • gallbladder

            Leitmotif of the Drumpf presidency*.

          • jesterpunk

            The bad part is they planned it out like that ahead of time, but yeah he was trying to land on the guy on the table but he was pulled off the table.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I figured that, but the way he landed didn’t look right.

          • MrTusks

            Yeah he was supposed to land flatter to minimize injury.

          • jesterpunk

            It wasn’t, but his whole thing is he jumps off big things. He is Vince McMahon’s son and rarely wrestles so he can do dumb shit like that.He isnt that good of a businessman either just a glorified stuntman.

            https://deadspin.com/falling-from-high-places-might-be-shane-mcmahons-best-s-1819323866

          • proudgrampa

            How do you KNOW this stuff???

          • jesterpunk

            I watch wrestling. Its something I have watched since I was a little kid and just keep watching. I know its fake and everything but still like it.

          • proudgrampa

            Honestly, in the old days, I was a big fan of Roller Derby. A lot of it was fake, but I enjoyed the hell out of it. The Bay Bombers were My Team!

          • Rocket Pony Ron

            I dunno, it looks like the table broke right where it was partially sawn through.

        • weighmaster
        • DerrickWildcat

          People do bounce.

      • gallbladder

        If only politics and the resolution of geopolitical disputes between world leaders were really like that. Oh, wait, Drumpf’s in office, isn’t he?

      • Nockular cavity

        Lord, the commentary! “FOR THE LOVE OF MANKIND!!!”

    • Mormos

      a homo-erotic soap opera.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      As a dog I don’t generally use ladders but that doesn’t look right.

    • Nockular cavity

      When you play the Game of Ladders, you win or you die.

    • Nockular cavity
      • MynameisBlarney

        I saw the outtakes from that scene, he got hurt a few times.

        • Wookie Monster

          He breaks at least one bone in every movie he makes.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Now that’s dedication.

          • Yellerduck

            Sometimes it’s even one of his!

          • ahughes798

            Was it Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee who kicked Chuck Norris’s ass?

          • Yellerduck

            Bruce Lee.

        • my feet are normal

          so like every scene in every one of his movies then.

          it’s actually kinda amazing that dude isn’t dead or in a wheelchair.

        • ahughes798

          I really like this clip of Bruce Lee

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHe6vhexm6g

          • MynameisBlarney

            Pretty sure that’s fake.

          • ahughes798

            Nope. It’s real. He did it on several occasions.

          • MynameisBlarney

            NO SHIT??!?!

            I didn’t think he could get moar awesomer, but now…

          • Sakonyachen

            Usually when I see a clip of Bruce Lee doing something I haven’t seen, I hope he will suck. I’m so bored of how good he was at everything he did.

          • ahughes798

            That’s what I heard. Maybe everybody else is right and it’s fake. Either way, it’s awesome, and I don’t doubt that it’s something that he could have done. He was a master of numchuks.

          • Mavenmaven

            Totally fake, shot later for a cellphone ad. http://www.snopes.com/photos/advertisements/pingpong.asp

          • data_ninja

            Snopes.com: The internet bullshit litmus test!

        • Sakonyachen

          I’ve read that he gets hurt all the time. Of course, he’s 63 and he still does a mix of martial arts and parkour. The fact that he can still walk is astounding.

      • mailman27

        Three Stooges or GTFO.

    • Freeperson

      OSHA Ladder-Safety Training Vid?

    • Yellerduck

      As soon as they bring in the chutes, one of them is going down.

      • MynameisBlarney

        HA!

    • Ross Garner

      Fuck knows.

  • Marr

    If Hillary is heading the deep pizza state, it goes without saying Obama must be in charge of the Chicago Style Deep Dish Pizza State. Because Chicago Style politics are whole different slice of the pie.

    • Mormos

      fuck your deep dish! if i can’t fold it, it isn’t pizza.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Lou Malnati’s or GTFO!

        • GoutMachine

          When I first heard of Lou Malnati’s, I seriously thought someone was saying “Illuminati’s pizza.”

          O.M.G.

        • ahughes798

          Or My Pie, if they’re still around. Gino’s East was good, too. I liked it for the graffiti on the walls as much as I did the pizza. They had a rat problem, like rats literally running over your shoes while you ate, so I quit going there.

          • FlownΩver

            You can go back now. They’re all working in the West Wing.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Ginos was good stuff. There’s new Lou’s in Phoenix that I’m going to have to try next time I’m up there

          • Gino’s is around everywhere. My Pie moved to bucktown last i checked. I way prefer thin though.

          • ahughes798

            Oh, that’s right. It’s in that little strip mall on Damen with ridiculous parking, isn’t it? I prefer thin crust, too, but I get burned out on the same pizza every week (there aren’t a lot of places to order food from out here), so we get the “casserole,” once in a while.

          • Exactly. There’s a couple great slice places closer to wicker park too. Up by you, we LOVE JP McCartney’s in Wilmette – some of my favorite pizza anywhere.

            And barnaby’s. (For real).

          • ahughes798

            Thanks for the tip about JP McCartney’s! We will definitely check it out. I always liked Barnaby’s! I haven’t eaten there since I was a teen. I’ll have to find one…I had totally forgotten about them.

      • ahughes798

        If it’s that greasy East Coast ketchup on a cracker stuff you’re talking about, you can have it!

      • Speaking from the heart of chicago on a drizzly day, i totally agree with you.

        In fact, my BFF and i will be ordering the thinnest we can find to accompany our red wine this evening.

        (Seriously, i do not love the deep dish and i eat pizza AT MINIMUM twice a week…)

    • aureolaborealis

      I refuse to believe that Obama endorses Chicago deep dish pizza, whatever the liebrul media says.

      • ahughes798

        Deep dish pizza is delicious if you’re in the mood for it. Friday is cook’s night off around here, and we usually get thin crust pizza, extra sauce. But every once in a while, it’s deep dish.

        • aureolaborealis

          Well sure, everyone likes casserole every now and again.

          • ahughes798

            I only eat it once in a while because there’s too much cheese, not enough sauce.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            You say that like it’s a bad thing.

          • ahughes798

            It is. Because if there’s not enough sauce, basically all a pizza would be is an open face grilled cheese sandwich.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          I honestly find all kinds of pizza delicious. Even the crappy $1 Tostino’s that my grandmother used to make and then cut into these weird, long strips.

          • Sakonyachen

            The best way to handle Totino’s is to microwave them and then roll them up. It’s a pizza flavored burrito.

          • ahughes798

            Me too. I even like Jewel’s (Safeway, basically)store brand. I like my home-made pizza best of all. A box of Jiffy pizza crust mix, a half a bottle or so of Ragu pizza sauce, and some parm and mozzarella cheese. It’s not prize-winning, but it’s simple, cheap and quick.

    • randoracer

      I hope that pizza, like Chik-Fil-A, becomes partisan. ‘Cause I’d love it if all of the wall-eyed Trumpsters deprive themselves of pizza, while all I give up is crappy fried-chicken sandwiches that I never ate, anyway. Besides, the child-sex rings can continue unmolested, so to speak.

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Did someone say child sex onion rings?

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Oh, they will show us libtards what’s what by eating all the Papa John’s and Domino’s their wingnut taste buds can handle.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Carter, your friends are trying to pin the spy shit on you and Flynn because…..

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e092ca28714a7676b2ff7893026d0047547b35b96d6f75731c0496caee898097.jpg

  • Gorillionaire

    I am beginning to think that all of these Trump associates are maybe amoral assholes or something.

    • Rocket Pony Ron

      What leads you to this startling conclusion?

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Uh-oh! Carter, you’re not losing at a women’s track meet anymore. Now you’re losing in the big leagues with ACTUAL consequences for being a traitor.

    • rosenbomb

      Stephen Miller was the track meet guy. Tomato, tomahto, though– they are boot lickers just the same.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        AAAAH! Thanks for the correction. I get all the assholes confused. Though Carter would lose at a women’s track meet too.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          They all look the same…

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            My next door neighbor is a proctologist. Was. He retired early. I asked him why. He just looked at me and shook his head.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Trump’s doctor is handing out legal advice again.

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/6Rxe6b7rDr8/maxresdefault.jpg

  • Rocket Pony Ron

    Can we have HIS IQ tested while we’re doing Donnie and Rexxon?

  • robertrobinson

    “…He probably eats pizza too…” with a fork “… Disgusting…”

  • Yellerduck

    Interesting legal strategy, “Well, Judge, if you don’t tell me what you have me on record as saying, how will I know what I can lie about?”

  • FlownΩver

    “Page needed to have a ‘wire tapp’ put inside his bottom.”

    A modest suggestion:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/41976c62dc26566670b2788741ca4e20a9ec4e2f9a07fe3c9c07c9bbe792a5fe.jpg

    Everything’s a dildo. etc.

  • GoutMachine

    Always tell the truth, if for no other reason than it’s the easiest thing to remember.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Also, the fewer your lies, the greater your credibility. Don’t squander it.

  • James Baskin

    Plead the fifth on turning over the documents!? I’m not J. Baskin Esquire, but even I know that isn’t going to fly. What, he thinks he can bluff his way out of this shitshower by blowing smoke up the news media’s ass? Carter darling, you are one fucked puppy sweetie.

    • miss_grundy

      The news media is very good at blowing smoke up their own asses or have you already forgotten about the last election cycle.

    • JustDon’tSayKneel(OrNeil)

      1 Fucked Puppy is the address of my new start-up incubator.

  • Ling Ling

    Can you imagine a “dumb off” between Carter Page, Roger Stone and Trumpolini?

    • JustDon’tSayKneel(OrNeil)

      Imagine? It’s taking place on TV every day. Carter’s winning today, But Stone just handed somebody his beer.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I actually don’t think Roger Stone is dumb, just a phenomenal asshole.

      Stephen Miller, now…

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Some of these guys of been Walter White level lucky…so far.

      • phoenix00

        Stephen Miller is asshole just as phenomenal, if not phenomenal-er.

  • whitroth

    Oh, k3wl! Let him testify, then we can send him to jail for perjury, in addition to everything else, so that he gets our of jail some time around 2153.

    Btw, the 19% stake in Rosneft went to the Qatar Sovereign Fund. Who, besides the rulers of Qatar are in that fund, yeah, well, um, we’ll get back to you on that. In the meantime, if I get them to sell you this, will you loan me, oh, $100M?

  • Donna Mueller

    “i can’t quite recall what i’m on record lying about the first time around on national TV” trumpian, absolutely trumpian!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Not quite. Trump doesn’t care if he lied or not. To him, the only thing that matters is what he’s saying right now. I don’t think he gets the concept of “perjury”.

      • Yet…..yet…

      • wavicles

        That’s ok, he’ll get the consequence.

  • Mavenmaven

    “I refuse to turn over all the documents from Russia telling me what I should do”

  • (((fka_donnie_d))), SOB

    Wow, I needed that laugh.

  • John McLaughlin

    Fruit Roll-Ups are delicious.

  • Mmmmm delicious pizza.

  • Lefty Wright

    Not lying is not in the Republican playbook. It’s a foreign concept to them. Some of them, like Trump, have it so bad you cannot trust them to give you the correct time. They have to throw it off, even if only by five minutes. People like Trump are born with the ability to lie all the time, others, like Carter, have to develop it. It’s not fully developed by Carter since he shows signs of fearing lies. Trump, on the other hand, will lie anywhere and to anyone. I hope that results in his downfall, if anyone can get him under oath.

  • Delu

    So Page straight up admitted that if he opens his mouth in court, he’ll likely commit perjury hence the 5th?

    Ok then.

    • my feet are normal

      Imagine what his lawyers are saying to themselves right now

  • mary5920

    Carter Page is another lying idiot, but I do like the old song “Midnight in Moscow.” It’s real jazzy and maybe someday many years in the future when Lenin, Stalin, Putin and the rest are all dust, it will be nice to stroll about there at midnight.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbrXHMYAz-E

  • CATMAN

    The Trump Russian collusion clown count seems to be growing every day–Shades of E Howard Hunt, G Gordon Liddy, HR Bob Hadelman, Martha Mitchell

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Why would you want to testify AND plead the Fifth for your documents? Because you want to lie unde oath and not have any pesky “evidence” is why. This dipshit is so transparent I’m surprised anybody can find him at all.

  • Sean

    The Rosneft “deal” was the brokerage fee for the 19% stake, significantly less money but still a lot of money. If true, given there is likely a mix of disinformation, truths and half truths in the dossier, it was probably some Russian BS passed to Page to get him buttered up. His Russian contacts knew he was an idiot and he is probably somewhat of a dead end in this investigation. We’ll see.

  • SeeTrain65

    “I wanna talk! I’m not talking.”

    My suitcases have a higher mental capacity and a greater ability for self-awareness than this mendacious putz.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    “Does that make sense? ONLY IF YOU ARE THE SQUIRRELS LIVING INSIDE CARTER PAGE’S PRECIOUS BRAIN.”

    Comedy gold. Shamelessly stealing.

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