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“We bind you Donald from doing harm, harm against others and harm against yourself”

As you may know from your Facebook event invites, witches and pagans and probably lots of other people have been gathering once a month since Donald Trump’s inauguration in order to cast binding spells on him.

Noted Death Eater and obvious Slytherin Tucker Carlson has been hoping to get one of them on his show for quite some time, and finally got witch and “Oracle of Los Angeles” Amanda Yates Garcia to agree to an interview.

It was… well, it was very interesting:

Before we get into this: I do not watch Tucker Carlson a lot. Does he always do that confused Labrador face when interviewing people or was this a special occasion?

[Ed note: Yes, Robyn. He does. Please see below.]

In the interview, Garcia explained that what they were doing was casting a binding spell on Donald Trump, like how they did to Fairuza Balk in The Craft, in hopes of preventing him from doing harm.

Presented with this information, Carlson was quite incredulous, and oddly surprised that this was not against the law to do.

“Is this legal? Can you run around casting spells on… Are you allowed to cast spells on people? Is there any kind of federal regulation on this?”

Constitutional scholar that he is, you’d think that Tucker would know that there hasn’t been any legal regulation of witchcraft on these shores since before the American Revolution. Because of that whole thing in the Constitution about Freedom of Religion and what have you. Prior to that, the legality of witchcraft was really left up to the individual colony — for instance, it was legal to practice witchcraft in Rhode Island because founder Roger Williams was not a fan of telling people what religion they were allowed to be.

Also, as I recall, legal regulations did not work out so well for Massachusetts.

Carlson then went on to ask Garcia if “eye of newt” — as mentioned in the famous Shakespearian documentary, Macbeth — was a real ingredient in spells.

Garcia was not here for that:

“I think the real problem is not whether or not eye of newt is an actual ingredient. The real problem is we’re about to have some kind of big nuclear extravaganza with North Korea. The real problem is that we’re punishing immigrant children. The real problem is that we’re causing students to go into deep debt. I don’t think the real problem is whether or not we use eye of newt.”

Perhaps fearing for the sanctity of a certain Gingrich’s eyesight, Carlson pressed on, forcing Garcia to explain to him that Shakespeare, being Shakespeare and not Ken Burns, probably took a bit of “poetic license” with that bit.

The bonus here is that Carlson appears to actually believe that casting spells on people is possible, so perhaps these groups should consider adding some spells against twerpy Fox News anchors to their repertoire.

[Tucker Carlson]

Eye of newt is wicked expensive these days. Please consider donating to Wonkette!

$
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  • Oblios_Cap

    They need to try the Cruciatus curse.

    • weejee

      Someone already gave him a Holloweenie spell.

  • armed_bears
    • BadKitty904

      …asks the stereotypical evil executive-villain from every movie since at least 1970?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      He does not even know how to pick his nose.

      • Iron Monkey

        He buddy, you missed.

      • OneYieldRegular

        “Ow!”

    • Morrigan in Oregon

      My Gawd! What has happened to Tim Gunn??

  • weejee

    Why do pictures of Tucker make you wonder if anyone is home?

    • Oblios_Cap

      I don’t even think the lights are on.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Sure, Tucker. I think this is all regulated by the FAA.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Just broomstick use.

  • Yes, Tucker, the 1st amendment allows witches to wish really, really hard to their invisible friends to do something, just like it protects your right to wish really, really hard to your invisible friend to do something.

    EDIT: In fact, I’m wishing really, really hard to the FSM as we speak that she would deliver unto us tasty Lasagna with garlic bread.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Lasagna…nature’s most perfect food!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I think you’re right. Even the frozen stuff I buy at Costco is irresistible. When I cook one of those up, I have to force myself to eat an extra large large helping of green salad so I don’t eat the whole tray myself.

  • Skeptical_thinker

    Donald Trump sucks dead donkey dick!

    It had to be said.

    • BadKitty904

      I saw that on the InnerWebz…

    • weejee

      Dead donkey libel!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      HEY! it was alive when he got started, OK?

  • BadKitty904

    Based on the headline, why did I assume this post was about Kellyanne Conwoman?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ms. Goebbels is unavailable at this time.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Not so much confused Labrador, more a flaccid penis wearing a bad wig.

    • OneYieldRegular

      It’s a very porcine face, reminiscent of Chihiro’s parents when they turn into pigs in Spirited Away, or of a bear invading a children’s picnic.

    • BearGHAZI

      I’d watch THAT cable yak program

  • Anna Rompage

    If Mitch McConnell, and all the other douche fucks from the GOP can pray to their god that Obama was a one term president, or much much worse, then the witches have the right to cast spells if they o choose…

  • JMP

    Considering that casting spells on people doesn’t actually do anything, Tucker, yes it’s perfectly legal; just as it’s legal for you to pray to your god for bad things to happen to your enemies, which is the exact same fucking thing.

    • weejee

      Four cloven up-hooves on that!

      • SterWonk

        Wait, I thought part of the reason pigs aren’t kosher is because they don’t have cloven hooves…?

        • AshleeSCuster

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    • P’jama Pahnts

      It just made two people on Fox news looks like a idiot, but we don’t needs spells for that.

      • Vacuous Virgina

        And no spells exist to reverse “stupid!”

        Also, too. Redundant!!!

    • HooverVilles

      ^^^^This^^^^

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      Funny/not funny how these fucking idiots look to big daddy gubmint to protect them from evil spells.

    • Geesquared

      The thing is, it’s actually a closer legal issue than you might think, as factual impossibility is generally not a defense to an attempt offense. The caveat is for stuff that is ‘inherently’ impossible: something no reasonable person would think could possibly work. No doubt valid in both your examples, but if charged, to use the defense you gotta assert it…

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Lefty witch: We’re casting a spell on Trump
    Righty pundit: Is that legal?
    I fucking quit.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “I will make it legal!”

  • BigCSouthside

    President wants to incinerate an entire country and the republicans want to light healthcare on fire and this is the hard hitting journalism of Fox News

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      “Coming up next, our body language expert will decode what that witch crossing her arms really meant.”

      • BigCSouthside

        Followed immediately by “do yoga pants distract men? We’ll trot out twelve models to show you their ass, so take that dropper full of blood thinner and viagra now, boys”

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Yes, I was just thinking the reason it took so long to get probing into this into this spell caster story is because FOX/Tucher need to find one that had the witchy-looking long straight hair and was also FOX-level eye candy.

    • Oblios_Cap

      He just wants to incinerate all those North Koreans in order to save them from the tender mercies of Rocket Guy. Sometimes you have to destroy the village to save it. Or so I’m told.

  • Indiepalin

    To be fair, Tucker was just asking a question.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      A very stupid question, but a question, nevertheless.

      • JMP

        Whoever said, “there’s no stupid questions, only stupid answers” never watched Fox “News”.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Well said!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    She will be getting a visit from the Secret Sorcerer.

    • Opalescent Riddles

      Along with the Two Pattys and their sesame-seed Buns.

  • BadKitty904
  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Come on, Nibiru.

  • When they say Fox was promoting the biggest “witch hunt” in modern history, I guess they really meant it….

    Also, I am wondering what the tarot card (looks like the tower) has anything to do with the binding spell…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Let’s interview Hermione about this and get a definitive answer.

    • Three Finger Salute

      “He’s an ignoramus assholiosa!”

  • Christopher Story

    So, first Tucker smears the Roma with a level of propaganda that would make Goebbles proud, now he’s conducting his own personal witch trials.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Oh for fucks sake.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    Tucker looks like he gets putty injections.

    • weejee

      I read that as ‘potty injections.’ Does that put a curse on me?

      • wide_stance_hubby

        I thought it was ‘petty injections.’

      • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

        Only the good kind.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    I don’t know if it’s legal, either. However, we need all the help we can get.

    • MizzMazz

      If it’s not legal to cast a spell, then it’s not legal to ‘pray the gay away.’

  • BigCSouthside

    I just cast a spell on tucker. I bound him to be an insufferable ignorant right wing rent boy for eternity. It worked

    • BearGHAZI

      I want to quit smoking. What do you need from me, hair follicle? Doll that looks like me?

      • BigCSouthside

        Smoking cessation is beyond my powers

    • grindstone

      Well played.

  • JMP

    I think Tucker’s afraid of what powerful witches have been known to do to woman-hating MRA creeps when they get angry:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBuRoVwLi34

    • wide_stance_hubby

      I liked evil Willow.

  • rocktonsam

    We can be sure Tucker Carlson is unsure of many things.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    A nice symbolic action would be if FIX TV took Tucker out to the end of a dock, threw him in the water and pointed to the very far votey distance…

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I expect this kind of hard-hitting investigative journalism from Don Lemon, not Fox.

    • BadKitty904

      Tucker Carlson, the “Don Knotts” of American Journamalism…

      • grindstone

        Don Knotts at least had comedic timing.

        • BadKitty904

          I’ve always thought Don Knotts was a brilliant comedian. He pretty much had one shtick, but he owned it.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Constitutional scholar that he is, you’d think that Tucker would know that there hasn’t been any legal regulation of witchcraft on these shores since before the American Revolution.”

    Good news for Christine O’Donnell!

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    We should pay Jon Stewart to just follow this asshole around and yell at him all day.

    • ariel_gee_398

      I’d like to think he’d do it for free. We’d just need to pay the camera person to record it all.

  • Weird Fishes

    Leave the Labradors out of this please. They didn’t ask for the association and would prefer that you don’t make it.

    He is not a good boy.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If the witches need volunteers for a little sex magic, I’ll sacrifice my time.

  • BadKitty904

    Yeah, about that, Tuckster…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaC-WDrvmUQ

    • Joe Beese

      A project Sarah Jessica Parker treasures for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity it gave her to be “the pretty one”.

      • BadKitty904

        lol

  • Crystalclear12

    Of course Tucker is afraid of witches. As you know he is a golem created during an RNC convention to serve his masters.
    And witches know how to deal with his sort.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Soulless ghouls can be dealt with using the proper incantation.

      • Crystalclear12

        He saw what they did to O’Reilly!

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Posted this on the early morning shift, but:

    Birnam Wood rolling up on the White House or GTFO.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Plagarismz!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Witches make Tucker cry.

  • Iron Monkey

    If Carlson had any more of a deer in the headlights look he would be strapped to Chuck Grassley’s car.

  • dslindc
    • Oblios_Cap

      Not until sunset, though…

  • Elvis Causticfellow
  • OneYieldRegular

    Meta-message: Tucker Carlson is terrified of women. Got it.

    • Three Finger Salute

      What Republican isn’t?

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Joe Beese

    The security team in my building watches Fox News on the big flatscreen near the employee entrance. And Tuck is on when I head out in the evening. And truly, he always looks exactly like this.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/66da4fcf97aaecee3aa9fdbd9b4d2d2104dbbc84b6624dce0abd05e65678fab0.png

  • P’jama Pahnts

    So are trump-ugly voodoo dolls considered contraband?

  • jesterpunk

    Hey Tucker here is a witch for you.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/AoTsVhJJZVcje/giphy.gif

  • Daniel

    Tucker Carlson’s expression when interviewing is a tool he learnt in journalism school (obviously the one with the highest fees) to throw your interviewee by making them think what they’re saying is dumb.

    The trick is to remember something confusing. Some try to understand quantum entanglement, others health policy in the US. Tucker tries to comprehend that a left sock and a right sock are the same.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Ooh. Schmucker needs to interview Justin Trudeau. He’d quantum-entangle, his bow tie would start spinning, and then his head would asplode.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eak_ogYMprk

      Although Trudeau isn’t likely to bother, because, well, not to get all science fictiony on you, but Fucker Carlson is a waste of space and time.

    • FlownΩver

      As should be obvious, Tucker Carlson is not anybody’s J-school grad.

  • sonali

    Has Carlson been checked for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

    • georgiaburning

      He’s a carrier

    • Villago Delenda Est

      His brother has it too.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Unpossible. Assumes brain capable of sustaining damage already in existence.

  • Scooby

    His jest shall savour but a shallow wit, when thousands more weep than did laugh it.

    • BadKitty904

      Henry? Is that you?

      • Scooby

        I am busy playing tennis.

        • BadKitty904

          We are glad you are so pleasant with us…

          • Scooby

            See you at Agincourt!

  • Zippy W Pinhead
  • BadKitty904
    • pstokk

      Hubba hubba toil and trubba!

  • Oblios_Cap
  • bubbuhh

    Din’t know Tucker Carlson did a spell on hisself right there on live teevee, but the proff is on that face. It’s the face uvva nab who spell has jes jizmed all over teh underside uv his desk. I bet he’s not even wearin pantz.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    Eye of Newt? Heavan’s, no! We use the body parts of white Christian children.

    • Ricky Gay

      Don’t forget the fetuses!

      • Three Finger Salute

        REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SPIRIT COOKING IN SOROS’ BASEMENT!!!11!

        • Ricky Gay

          Gumbo!

    • NerdWithNoName

      It’s on the list.

      Liver of blaspheming Jew,

      Gall of goat and slips of yew

      Slivered in the moon’s eclipse,

      Nose of Turk and Tartar’s lips,

      Finger of birth-strangled babe

      Ditch-delivered by a drab,

      • FlownΩver

        I’ve had it with this nouvelle cuisine.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    oh, Tucker. Just call the President and tell him to chant Blood Mary in the mirror 3 times or something like that. Did you not pass 3rd grade?

  • VirginiaMorningBlend

    Alright class. First point your wand then yell IGNORAMOUS INFINITUM at whichever Fox idjut you like. Here’s an example of one we did last year. Wheel out that nice Carson boy and let our students see how stupid spells work.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Woah, I smell a Pulitzer!

    Oops, nope, sorry. Was just something on my shoe.

  • BadKitty904

    By the pricking of my thumbs, Something stupid this way comes…

    • jesterpunk

      What did you prick your thumbs with?

      • BadKitty904

        Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting.

        • jesterpunk

          I think you used a little too much of something there.

          • BadKitty904

            Fillet of a fenny snake, prolly…

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Needz less eye of Newt.

    • FlownΩver

      Better than thumbing your…

      Naahh – never mind.

  • Ricky Gay

    His facial expression seems molded from Play Doh and butter. Easy enough to replicate for spell-casting, one would think.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Fucker’s ratings history is as good as his dancing skills.

    https://www.newscorpse.com/Pix/Charts/tucker.jpg

    • Three Finger Salute

      Sheesh, what is he in that photo, 17? Nice to see proof that people who peak in high school retain the same douchiness level they had when still in braces and popping zits in the restroom. Guarantee you that little shit got stuffed in his locker by the fucking A/V club.

  • Joe Beese

    A friend went to see The Craft expecting “Clueless with spells”.

    Her expectation went unfulfilled.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I feel dumber just knowing I share the same continent with this moron.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Wee Mousie

      Have Face
      Will Smirk
      And Believe The Unbeliebeable
      For Remunation, you know, Pelf.

  • georgiaburning

    Looking forward to an executive order banning imports of amphibian parts along with an anti-witchcraft plank in the 2020 Repub platform,

    • Three Finger Salute

      Well, we know “Brain of Newt” doesn’t exist.

      • Wee Mousie

        Brain of Newt was well past it’s expiry date early in the pleiocene.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I studied White Witchcraft when I was 15. There was a nice witch living across the street from me, and she was a very good teacher. Unfortunately, none of my spells worked, so perhaps I wasn’t doing it right, or maybe she wasn’t as good a teacher as I thought she was.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Are you pressing down (earthward) with your big toes? Are you pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth? Both of these can negate an otherwise good spell. Of course if she was a good teacher you would know that.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I honestly don’t remember, it was too long ago. There are so many things competing for one’s attention when one is 15, that it is entirely possible I left out an important step or two.

        • Three Finger Salute

          You put the left foot in and take the right foot out.

          • Lord Jim

            Hokey Pokey libel!

      • Odd Jørgensen

        That only works against chi attacks.

        • P’jama Pahnts

          Was wondering if anyone would get that reference…

      • I’m not making fun here–your comment just brought back some fantastic memories for me of playing Final Fantasy X!

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      To be fair, ponies take blood spells and blackmail, so, maybe, you were aiming too high…

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Very possibly. Also, the targets of my spells were really evil people, so perhaps they had strong protection from the Dark Side.

      • Wee Mousie

        Do you need a black pony to deliver your blackmail?
        And if so, wouldn’t that be the eponymous express?

  • Scooby

    By a prickling of my thumbs something wicked this way comes.
    -New Fox Motto

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      WIth Tucker it’s more likely thumbing his prick

      • Edith Prickly

        GROSS.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Assumes prick not …

        Nevermind!

      • Lord Jim

        “You can prick your finger, but don’t finger your prick!” – George Carlin

        • Wee Mousie

          Especially don’t finger any pricks if you are mafiosa.

    • Wee Mousie

      “From the pricks who come this way,
      We’ll learn something dumb totay.”
      – Fox and Friends (Always has.always will be their motto)

  • BadKitty904
    • DrBigHead

      I think your cat may be a demon……

      • BadKitty904

        Demon-esque…

  • Scooby

    No man born of woman shall harm Tucker Carlson.

  • Joe Beese

    President Donald Trump first coined the Elton John-inspired nickname for Kim, whose regime has ramped up its ballistic missile testing in recent weeks, in a post to Twitter over the weekend. The nickname came up again Tuesday in the president’s speech to the UN General Assembly, in which Trump remarked that “Rocket Man is on a suicide mission.”

    “Look, that’s a President Trump original. As you know, he’s a master in branding,” Sanders said on Fox News’s “Fox & Friends” in response to a question about the nickname’s genesis.

    http://www.politico.com/story/2017/09/20/trump-rocket-man-kim-jong-un-242921

    • jesterpunk
    • Villago Delenda Est

      That bitch lies lower than Spicey.

    • Daniel

      That insult, taken from the title of a very famous song by Elton John which was used as an insult referring to a man impaled on a rocket in the popular Michael Bay film The Rock, is a Trump original.

    • ariel_gee_398

      It was also used by the Economist to refer to the previous Kim: http://time.com/4948559/donald-trump-rocket-man/

      • DrBigHead

        Yeah, but the Brits don’t count..

      • Oblios_Cap

        I doubt Trump reads that magazine. If he did, he wouldn’t make it to the letters page.

        • ariel_gee_398

          I doubt Trump reads. FTFY.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      A “President Trump original”….now selling on E-bay and other fine shops….

    • pstokk

      Master of branding?
      Tell me about it, SucksToBeMe-Sanders, all the Republican weasels, and that includes you, are sporting the Trump Double T on your lying, weaselly asses.

    • Lord Jim

      Six-Bankruptcy Trump is a master of what?

      • Wee Mousie

        Trump is a master at losing money which turns out to belong to other people.

  • beingreleased

    Sorry, Tucker. The only legitimate functions of government are the military and banning icky things. This ain’t icky enough.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • TimResistit

      Well done, Grasshopper.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I’m pretty sure Tucker is the alien…

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Interesting that on a day when Trump gave an absolutely appalling speech to the UN and the GOP continued its attempts to destroy healthcare for millions of Americans to satisfy their rapacious corporate donors and insurance industry lobbyists, that “Shart Face” Carlson devoted air time to a pile of absolute fucking bullshit like this. One might almost suppose that he is not interested in truly informing his viewers.

    • So which would be a worse segment – having a witch on talking about a binding spell on PT or having a preacher on talking about praying for PT?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The latter. The former is at least grounded in insouciance, as opposed to utter fantasy.

    • Three Finger Salute

      If there was ever a biopic of Tucker Carlson it should be called Shartnado.

      Hopefully, there’ll never be a biopic of Tucker Carlson.

    • Lord Jim

      “One might almost suppose that he is not interested in truly informing his viewers.”

      That’d be my guess.

  • Viktor

    What’s up with all the rouge Tucker’s been wearing lately? He looks like Raggedy Andy

    • TimResistit

      Lindsey Graham is selling Mary Kay now and Tucker felt obligated.

      • CripesAmighty

        That’s how they getcha.

  • CripesAmighty

    “Why does Tucker Carlson look at all his guests like he’s eating paste straight out of the jar? ”

    fixed.

  • Three Finger Salute

    “The bonus here is that Carlson appears to actually believe casting spells on people is possible” — and the eccentric woo model doesn’t?

    Come on liberals, you can do better than this. Reason, not ridiculousness. This is no better than praying away the gay or beseeching Allah to destroy the infidels. You might as well try to balance his midichlorians, subject him to “auditing,” or destroy Bob Kraft’s Super Bowl ring in Moscow before Vlad Sauron gets his grubby mitts on it. Or dial up a spellcaster in Canada to hit him with a Care Bear Stare.

    Trump has caused everyone to go off the deep end into loony land.

    • laineypc

      It’s fine, I love the tree-hugging, moon-howling pagans. They are good folk, they have wonderful imaginations and they actually don’t take themselves too seriously. Trump didn’t make them go loony, they have been amongst us quite a while.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Well that’s good. Now, Scientology on the other hand, they need to be sacrificed to the votecano.

        • Bad Tom

          Upvote for votecano.

        • laineypc

          They take themselves WAY too seriously. Upvote for “votecano”!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    The more I read on Wonkette of the things conservative commentators say, the more I understand how we got Dolt 45.

  • NerdWithNoName

    You may be able to pick up some eye of newt at the local bodega but “Liver of blaspheming Jew” is harder to come by. Those Macbeth witches needed some strange stuff for their brew!

  • TootsStansbury

    Didn’t xtian extremists pray for Obama’s death all through his presidency? What say you to that you chuckleheaded paste eater?

  • laineypc

    Good goddess, “Is it legal”? Is he just kow-towing to the clueless idiots who are the only people who must be watching him? I hope he is deeply embarrassed. I hope he understands how low is his audience, how low is his career, to be asking such a question.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Is it legal for Tucker Carlson to be on TV? After all, they’re “public” airwaves…

  • James Baskin

    Yuck, yuck yuck. Let’s get a witch on the show and talk some funnies at her.

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      Yeah, this seems to be Tucker’s whole schtick: Have a self-proclaimed idiot on and spend the interview trying to prove the person is an idiot. Usually the idiot ends up looking smarter than Tucker.

      • Raan

        I think that’s it. I think Tucker is the anti-Jon Stewart. If that episode of Crossfire had come to blows, the entire studio would have been destroyed in the antimatter explosion.

  • ariel_gee_398

    So…if it’s not legal to cast spells, it shouldn’t be legal to pray for god to punish the heathens and abortion havers, right?

    • jesterpunk

      WAR ON CHRISTIANITY!!!! HELP HELP I AM BEING PERSECUTED!!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!!!!1112!!!!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      IOKIYAC

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Zippy W Pinhead

      does she weigh the same as a duck?

      • Blanche Beecham

        I think she supposed to be holding a duck. Pee-shaw who can keep up with all these witch rules?

      • TimResistit

        Looks like a false nose to me.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          It got better….

      • Bill D. Burger
        • WotsAllThisThen

          First Alaska gave us Mooselini. Now behold, Il Ducky!

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        Because, if she does…she must be made of…wood?

        • WotsAllThisThen

          Build a bridge out of ‘er!

  • CripesAmighty

    OT–Dump announces he’s ‘made his decision on Iran nuclear deal’ but won’t say what it is. What–does this moron think he’s on ‘I’ve Got A Secret’ with fucking Wink Martindale?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Yes. Yes, he does.

      • I’ve got a bridge in New York to sell you and some beautiful beachfront property in Arizona…

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      But if he tells you, you won’t keep tuning in!

  • TimResistit
  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Will witches be forced to bake cakes for Trumposexuals? Slippery slope, people!

    • Oblios_Cap

      Only Devil’s Food cakes.

  • Daniel

    I don’t think Tucker believes spells by witches do anything. That’s not to say his audience doesn’t. Of course, he’s not a liberal media elitist who would do this to mock his viewers by treating their fears as legitimate and laughing about it once the cameras were off.

    • Most of his watchers believe flying people in the clouds (with wings) and zombies (the Jesus kind).

  • Bill D. Burger
  • bubbuhh

    By teh thumbin uv his prick, Tucker gainz a sticky dick.

  • Anna Rompage

    And to think Tucker used to be lauded as a conservative intellectual, and brain trust of conservative policies & platforms back in his early days….

    • CripesAmighty

      All that greasy chicken’s taking its toll.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Like the Doughy Pantload?

    • TJ Barke

      Like most conservative intellectuals, they’re really just a stupid person’s idea of a smart person.

  • TundraGrifter

    I think Tucker Carlson is more apt to believe in White Magic.

    • Blanche Beecham

      When he was on DWTS, a time when he thought a bow tie made his head look smaller, I would imagine him with a single spike mohawk, what we kids of the 80’s called an ‘Alfalfa’ after the Lil’ Rascals. This lasted for a week and never caught on because Cucker Tarlson was booted for not even trying. Guess he found a place that rewards that work ethic now.

      • MississippiLefty

        Wait, what? He was on DWTS? Googling frantically…

      • MississippiLefty

        OMG. I’m back from the Google rabbit hole. Who hasn’t done DWTS? But he was truly awful. Like, my husband has had four lessons and he could do as well as that.

    • covfefesumgame0005

      White Powder more likely

  • Mavenmaven

    Trumpis do believe in these things, which is why they often ban Harry Potter books, etc. To them it is just like all the crazy other stuff they believe in, like demons and antichrists and hair growth lotions.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      And invisible sky people who care deeply whether the team from South Waxahatchie beats the team from East Bumfuck.

      • covfefesumgame0005

        Bumfuck all the WAY!!!

        oh, wait…

      • Three Finger Salute

        They want East Bumfuck to lose because, well, God hates bumfucking. Not just because it’s “sodomy” but because bums are homeless, smelly poors who God doesn’t want to have any fun.

    • Wee Mousie

      I do so hope that these are the kind of witches which give warts and turn people into newts, and not one of those new age witches who cure headaches with an infusion of adder bark, or a costive complaint with high fiber bread

    • HooverVilles

      Yep. Like Mormons and men (not women) being able to rule their own planet someday.
      Or like Scientologists with the galactic overlord Xenu.
      Or…
      Or…

      Good dsylexic doG, the stupid burns.
      Sigh!

  • janecita

    OMG, what the fuck is Melon wearing???? She is a big blob of Fucsia!

    • Beautiful Soup

      Michelle was famous for bare arms, so Melania had to wear the biggest, bulkiest sleeves she could find.

  • calliecallie

    Remember in Network when they started a new teevee program about an astrologer? Yeah. We’re there. Thank you, Faux News.

    (Also too, I am mad as hell and I’m not going to take this any more!)

    • jesterpunk

      Ronnie Raygun used to have an astrologer advising him.

      • Three Finger Salute

        To think that we came this close to nuclear war with the Soviets depending on how President Pajamas interpreted his Magic 8-Ball is frightening.

        Now we’re going to actually have nuclear war because of how President Orange Jumpsuit Apparatus interprets retweets from… Alyssa Milano.

        FML.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That was all Mommy’s doing.

      • HooverVilles

        Why yes he did. Bigly SAD!

  • Edith Prickly

    “Is this legal? Can you run around casting spells on put the world’s stupidest man on TV… Are you allowed to cast spells on ask questions that insult the intelligence of even super-low-information people? Is there any kind of federal regulation on this?”

    Fixed it for him.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Exodus 22:18 Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Tell me these people don’t think witches are real?

    • Richard Linger

      Many scholars think this is a translation error, the correct word is poisoner, not witch.

      • HooverVilles

        Didn’t know that. Thanks.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Witch” = “Someone who dares question patriarchal cant”

  • MynameisBlarney

    Kitteh is tired of your shit hooman.
    Summoning demon, brb.

    http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/075/951/e81.jpg

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I want that thing the cat is on! GIVE IT TO ME

      • MynameisBlarney

        Ok, but it’ll cost ya!

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          …your soul! Mwahahaha! 😈

  • Panika MCD

    dear Tucky Carl,

    as with many of the other ingredients mentioned in The Scottish Play, “eye of newt” was an herb–mustard seed to be exact. here is a guide. if you want to avoid casting spells or having them cast on you, I recommend you cease preparing and/or eating food. only the best feeding tube with the most religious ingredients for you!

    http://www.tryskelion.com/herbs_old_world_names_for_herbs.html

  • janecita

    Are you guys watching Melania’s speech??? I wanna cry, she is so terrible!!!!

  • TJ Barke

    Is it legal to thoughts and prayers at people? If so, I see no meaningful reason to outlaw spellcraft.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      Isn’t that what that that whole Fundie recitation of that psalm “may his time be short” regarding President Obama about? How was that different?

      • HooverVilles

        EGG-SACTLY!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Well, of course, there are Witches for Trump: Of course there are. So it’s all good.
    (*btw: ‘FreeMan’ is what happens when you allow your child to grow up in the basment, friendless and reading comics.)

    [FreeMan is the founder of The Firstblood Tradition of American Witchcraft, which blends Paganism and Germanic Heathenry. He’s also the creator of the Facebook group American Pagans for Trump and one of the most influential people in the pro-Trump Pagan community. ]

    https://media.giphy.com/media/3oEjHAUOqG3lSS0f1C/giphy.gif

    http://www.vocativ.com/371124/witches-for-trump/

    http://media.vocativ.com/photos/2016/10/2016_10_26-Pagan-Trump-supporters-ILL-DQ_homepage-3-24197259569.png

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      “one of the most influential people in the pro-Trump Pagan community” is definitely a sentence I never thought I’d read, nor wish to.

      • Bill D. Burger

        Made me laugh out loud.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        All three of them?

    • Wait, there is a Pro-Trump pagan community? I thought his violent christian extremism was putting most of them off…

      Well I guess if you have log cabin rebpugs then you can have turnip pagans.

      • TJ Barke

        No true Norseman!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        His “violent Christian extremism” is really more violent Mammonite extremism, so there’s that.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Mammonite! Perfect.

      • Vel Venturi

        Yeah, it’s disappointing, but they are around. There are even rightwing racist white supremacist pagans out there.

    • HooverVilles

      Sigh!

  • Edith Prickly

    FFS, why don’t they just give Geraldo Rivera his old talk show back if this is where Fux wants to go? Witches, satanists, KKKlansmen…we’d at least get to watch a brawl for entertainment.

    • CripesAmighty

      Fucker and flying folding chairs? Yeah, I’d watch that: “So, you cast binding spells on…*PLANGGGGG!”

    • O4FSake

      It’s all fun and games until your nose is broken by a chair.

  • Wee Mousie

    Confused Labrador dogs everywhere have phoned in to tell us to please stop confusing their confused Labradorian stare with the 10,000 yard stare of near-drooling imbecility on the face of Tucker Carlson, They go on to point out the the physiognomy of a Labrador is incapable of registering the stark expression of chronic incredulity combined with incomprehension which, as you pointed out, that moonling, Tucker Carlson’s, habitual go-to “intelligent” expression, when he is not employing his prep school smirking.

  • BadKitty904

    Putin to Trump:

    Wouldst thou like the taste of butter? A pretty dress? Wouldst thou like to live deliciously? Wouldst thou like to see the world?

  • Justin Zimmerman

    I vote for casting stiff as a board light as a feather on Donnie J so he can float away from America on a stiff breeze.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    This is why before you have any witches on your news show, you should check that their degree from Hogwarts is legit.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If the signatures on the diploma are those of Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris, some further investigation might be advisable.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Anything to avoid covening the orange shitshow.

  • Three Finger Salute

    On the plus side, I am looking forward to Mueller’s magic and what his sorcery apprentices are going to do to this maladministration of dark arts:

    https://media.giphy.com/media/RhgLlIzLH60eY/giphy.gif

  • shastakoala

    Being a Pisces I don’t believe in this sort of nonsense.

    • HooverVilles

      ISWYDT

  • MynameisBlarney
    • TJ Barke

      But liberals are the stupid sheep…

      • bbayliss

        I’ll say it again; The only group of US voters not influenced by Russia were Clinton voters.

    • HooverVilles

      B-b-b-but you did not quote FOX, therefore this is fake news and You lie .
      Hmmm, where have I heard the phrase You Lie before?
      Where could that have been uttered?

  • Vincent Ricola

    Hocus Pocus
    Bibally Boo
    I summon the goddess spirit
    To stop Fucker’s mouth poo

  • Bill D. Burger

    Kitty Witch is amused by all this tomfoolery! Come’ Halloween you will feel her power and the world will once again be hers to do with as she pleases…..like a plush lil’ pumpkin.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/qrSIFVM7QL9XG/giphy.gif

    • Three Finger Salute

      Awwwwwwwwwww! Cute spell cast threefold!

    • I would have one pissed off cat if i ever attempted such a trick.

    • HooverVilles

      Now you’ve done it. Ceiling Cat has a confused.

  • Mike

    Tucker’s god mysteriously impregnated a human who then gave birth to the son of god who was then betrayed by god’s chosen people and crucified…after which he came back to life and rose up to heaven.

    Witchcraft sounds possible when compared to Christianity.

    • Three Finger Salute

      That’s because Christianity is plagiarized from disparate Roman mythologies for political unification purposes. “Santa Claus” is Norse; “Saint Nicholas” was a Byzantine Turkish monk who was known for his charitable works and giving alms to poor people, especially children. (No wonder Christians hate him because of this one weird trick!) The inconclusively-existent Palestinian refugee known as Jesus of Nazareth was more likely born in August than December, but had his “birthday” grafted onto the preexisting high festival of Sol Invictus to dissociate him from accusations of being a potential usurper of the still-popular Caesar. Demigods born of unions between mortal women and deities were pretty common folktales in ancient Rome. So of course it’s all a bunch of “paganism.” It’s not even original. It’s a copypasta reboot that retconned the original.

      • So what you’re saying is this is all Loki’s fault?

      • HooverVilles

        Yep

    • HooverVilles

      Egg-sactly.

    • Clark_Nova

      You left out the talking, upright snake.

  • wait! what?

    Everyone knows that every spell has only 5 ingredients and they all weigh the same; that’s why when you go to your favorite occult store you ask for a pentagram.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I like my spells with fewer ingredients, less spicy, so it doesn’t upset my tummy.

    • Three Finger Salute

      I thought Pentagram was the social media website they use to cast selfie spells.

  • janecita
    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “Please send more pool boys.”

      • Clark_Nova

        And “Personal Trainers”.

        • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

          And throw in a couple of “Life Coaches.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Let me guess. She’s speaking on the subject of international bullying, and how bad it is?

      • janecita

        Something like that.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Apparently she is moonlighting at Scores after the UN. Who knew?

      • Bill D. Burger

        She’s a bit long in the tooth for Scores. Uhh…I’ve been told that.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Most watching her are thinking the same thing Donny did the first time he looked up at her on that stripper pole:

      https://img.memecdn.com/show-us-your-tits_o_7068409.jpg

      • janecita

        But we have seen them already, they aren’t that great.

        • Bill D. Burger

          Trump: “You should see the new ones. I paid for those.”

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Well, more accurately, it was “I was billed for them, but I refused to pay because they didn’t work out exactly as I wanted them to.”

          • Bill D. Burger

            Great minds…I thought that as soon as I posted. Or: ‘My foundation paid.’ Donor money!

          • pstokk

            Or donor something. Just sayin. Allegedly.

      • Dinz6315

        He sits on every chair like he’s sitting on the crapper.

    • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • Three Finger Salute

      Wow. Kirby really let himself go.

    • satanscheerleadersloveamerica

      “not a 10” in that outfit

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Just ’cause a “Designer” designed it does not mean it’s a good idea. Or a good garment. Though it is a change from the overly tailored stuff she usually parades around in.

    • SnowBomber

      She’s like a neon bubblegum Veruca Salt.

      • Clark_Nova

        If Violet had been a zombie vampire mail-order Slovenian slut.

    • Randy Riddle

      Grrrrl, that outfit’s about as flattering as a glow in the dark ventilator tent.

  • FlownΩver

    How can he possibly advocate Big Gubmint regulation of spell-casting? Doesn’t he know what a job-killer that would be?

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    She should have cast a spell on Tucker to make him wet his pants….ooops! Too late!….

    • Tishalicious

      I would insert a clip of Eleven doing just that if I weren’t on my phone

  • Brent

    So we’ve regressed to the point where we’re back to the old tymes when we would insinuate that a lot of women are witches? Especially women from coastal cities? Is this the level of dialogue and political discourse in our country? That’s not funny or kooky…

    • Three Finger Salute

      A qualified presidential candidate lost because there are enough morons in this country who believe she eats fetal tissue on her pizza and had séances to contact the ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt. They believed (and still do) that the previous president worships a jihadist moon god, practices literal “voodoo” economics, and had a gay love affair with his northern counterpart, who they also believe is a pizza slave of the Illuminati and a cult leader whose father is either a dead Cuban revolutionary or the actual Montréaler who really is his father — and who they accuse of pimping his wife to the Rolling Stones and sacrificing his youngest to the god of the mountaintop so his eldest could “inherit the throne.”

      They want to ban everything from Pokémon to Harry Potter to Dungeons & Dragons for promoting “Satanism” of one form or another. They believe in some overarching conspiracy theory about Jewish “black magic” that’s straight out of the Protocols of Zion. They believe the pope is a crypto-Jew and a communist who wants to extract wealth from “white countries” to hoard gold in the “Masonic temple of the Rothschilds.” They believe the mere existence of gay people invokes the wrath of God by causing natural disasters. And yes, they believe there is something inherently evil and wicked about women who aren’t “pious,” who can only be redeemed by converting them to Supply-Side Christianity — or just letting them die one way or another. They even accused the dead girl in Charlottesville of being a “wicked Jewess” and expressed glee that she was killed.

      This has been the level of discourse in America for a long, long time. America is morons. Period.

      • Brent

        Oh.

      • ltmcdies

        OK I totally had not heard the mountaintop story ….and I’m kinda hoping you made that up.

        Because if you didn’t …I’m a gonna get me some pigs feet and start jabbing things with needles.

      • To be fair, i would TOTALLY be a witch if someone would tell me how.

        • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

          Check Meetups.com for neopagan gatherings in your area. And/r pick up a couple of books: Starhawk’s ‘The Spiral Dance’ is a great primer; Margot Adler’s ‘Drawing Down the Moon’ is another.

          While the notion of witches still makes for teh chucklez for many (many of whom still pay lip service to some ancient near east sky god, because *that* makes sense), modern witches are generally pretty decent folk. Generalizations aren’t really possible, but lots of free-thinking, science-believing, speculative-fiction-reading, sex-positive types identify as some form of witch/pagan/druid (not interchangeable, except when they are). Feel free to DM me if you want to chat further.

        • Clark_Nova

          Google is your friend (but I prefer non-tracking DuckGoGo instead.)

      • HooverVilles

        And that in the best words of a highly educated person is bigly sad! For realz this time.
        Sigh!
        >^o.o^<

  • andyshelt

    Garcia turned me into a newt!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB5ig6vpQug

    • TakingAmes

      Did you get better?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    People seem a little incredulous at Tucker’s credulity here. But he’s just being a good Christian, amirite? Not saying that all Christians are idiots – ’tis demonstrably not true – just saying that if one chooses to grant the possibility that witchcraft is real, there ain’t nothin’ in the Bible gonna tell you it ain’t. And as far as I know, the Catholic Church to this day has issued no formal statement indicating that witchcraft doesn’t exist.

    • andyshelt

      Actually the bible both accepts that witchcraft is real and how to deal with it:

      Exodus 22:18 “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.”

      Exodus is also the same chapter with the equally progressive attitude to condoning slavery and which explains in gory detail just how badly a slave owner can beat his “property” without suffering any penalty. Basically he can beat his slave to within an inch of his life “But if the slave survives a day or two, he is not to be avenged, for the slave is his money.” Exodus 21:20

      Fun book!

      • Clark_Nova

        Fun religion!

  • geoffalnutt

    Just say the word “fart”, however, and Tucker will lose complete control.

  • spangled

    Tucker obvi brought her on because he wants to paint people who oppose trump as crazy. Or total hippie stereotypes.

    Who woulda thought that HE would come off as the stupid person who believes magic is real in a convo with a witch.

    • bbayliss

      Me.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        And me!

    • satanscheerleadersloveamerica

      *raises hand*

    • Me not sure

      Under a binding spell. …So that’s why they don’t believe in science!

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Next up for Tucker-
    “Listen Satan, I know Republicans voters all voluntarily sold their souls to you but you can’t take them before the midterms! I mean, is that even legal?”

  • ImGoingBacon

    Dear Tucker. If witches spells worked, I would be a billionaire, Mamdouh Elssbiay (Big Ramy) would be my husband, and Channing Tatum would be my house/pool/cabin boy. A Lambo, Ferrari, Bugati and a Maybach would be in my 10 14 car, controlled environment, garage.

    And Trump would NOT be President, also too.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Factoid: “Witches and devils actually led to the development of the first Trump casino.”
    I read it on the intertubes….it’s true.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/654dbb72b185c76fe01b209884e093261936dbbff6542683f3e35ef29c45bf4e.jpg

  • Kym In A Can

    “Is this legal? Can you run around saying prayers for… Are you allowed to say prayers for people? Is there any kind of federal regulation on this?” Asking for a friend named -reads smudged writing on hand- Sucker Tarlson

  • MOG253

    Light as a feather stiff as a board.

  • richardgrabman

    Did he complain when right-wing “Christians” were praying for Obama’s demise?

    • HooverVilles

      No. The answer is no.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Who cares about frivolous topics like healthcare, nuclear war or collusion with Russia ? Tucker Carlson is on with the real issues like witchcraft. And the welfare of newts.

  • Covfefe

    Just like a Republican. Wants to extend job killing regulations to the one industry the bureaucrats missed.

    • therblig

      I believe the Office of Wood and Waterfowl has already promulgated regulations

  • CATMAN

    Maybe we should give DumbFuckerTucker a little slack here–I’m sure he believes that some words muttered in private will cure diseases, prevent or mitigate natural disasters, make the dear departed comfortable in the afterlife and maybe even bring riches to the petitioner, so it is not a stretch that he would believe in the efficacy of curses

    • StlSaxist

      Words muttered (or at least professed) in public are much more useful. It absolves the mutterer of all responsibility (“Well, I certainly did all _I_ could to solve the problem” – thoughts and prayers, you know). Having removed one’s self from the equation, it’s possible to then blame someone else (in no particular order: God, atheists, feminists, gays, witches, pagans, Democrats, Republicans who just didn’t have a sincere enough Pumpkin Patch, Hollywood, Hillary, Obama, “Blah” people, red people, brown people, yellow people, Europe, the poor, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Lutherans, left handed people, solar panels, women, &c, &c, &c).

      • CATMAN

        To attribute bad things to “god’s will” is certainly a convenient excuse for explaining the vagaries of the universe

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “Is this legal? Can you run around casting spells on… Are you allowed to cast spells on people? Is there any kind of federal regulation on this?”

    I’m all for law and order, which is why I only ever deal with federally licensed witches. Too much damage to the reputation of witches is being done by unqualified and unregulated amateurs.

    • therblig

      after i found out that the witch i employed was not licensed, i hired Jacoby and Mather. in hindsight, i think i would have preferred money damages to the actual outcome.

      • LesBontemps

        Let me guess, you got coupons for discounts on a year’s worth of spells?

        • therblig

          hot stone massage, but they just kept piling the rocks on and on and on and yelling “confess!!”. not relaxing at all. would not recommend.

      • John Norris

        Should have hired Wolfram & Hart.

        • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

          Needs moar upfists

    • james crubb

      A unionised witch workforce helps to minimise shody and poor quality spells.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        You mis-spelled a word there 😜

        • james crubb

          lol down here in Gondwanaland s is used where others may use a z.

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            *whispers* There are two Ds in “shoddy”.

    • james crubb

      I also call for all broomsticks to be registered at the dept of transport. Too many times I have had hit and runs from bad flying witches who haven’t stopped to swap details.

  • Nockular cavity

    I understand that if you say Tucker Carslon’s name backwards, he turns back into Pepe the frog. Unfortunately, nobody can do that, because it is impossible to mention him without calling him “that moronic fuckbag.”

    • Sharla Fouquet

      Up voting fails to convey how much I love this comment ❤❤❤

    • Vacuous Virgina

      I thought it was the horror film “Bloody Trucker,” where, if you say his name 3 times in front of a mirror …

  • The Wanderer
  • Professor Fate

    I suggest that if Tucker is really concerned about the effect of spells cast on Trump that he be very careful before some con artist robs him blind. “I need to take this money and remove the cruse Mr. Carlson – I will then bring it back sealed in a envelope and leave it with you – after 30 days you can open the envelope if the curse has been removed the money will be there if not you will find blank paper”
    Guess what happens next. 30 days gives folks a lot of time got outta town.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    This may be helpful. Especially if you have a couple of pig’s feet handy.

    https://youtu.be/hQjbfQUYJew

  • LesBontemps

    Tucker Carlson has the weight of a duck. No, wait, he has the brain of a duck. A very stupid duck. A dumbduck, if you will.

    • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

      If it weighs more than a duck – then it is made of wood..

      • Lorindel Ó Loingsigh

        … and if made of wood, is a WITCH!!!!

        • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

          Egg-zackly.

    • phoenix00
  • Boojum

    I would proud to have her cast a spell on me. Witchy Woman!

  • Alan

    Can’t say it enough. What a dumbfuck.

  • Mildred Broxon

    Stupor profundum. Cast at birth. Yes, on both of them.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Witches casting spells. And someone employs this douche nozzle?

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    “PROOF: Tucker looks at all his guests like they’re eating mayonnaise straight out of the jar.”

    Actually, he looks at all his guests as though he’s plunging his own dick into a jar of mayonnaise under his desk, and he’s pretty sure nobody will ever guess.

  • Daniel Hooper

    …Are we absolutely certain someone didn’t cast a spell on Tucker for him to do this segment in the first place? Seriously; you could just do the Jedi mind trick hand wave and he’d think he was completely hypnotized.

  • Portia McGonagal

    I call Carlson’s permanent facial expression ” mid-shit” , but kind of like a baby when they’re pooping and not sure what’s happening.

  • Bitter Scribe

    If Carlson doesn’t watch out, someone will cast a spell on him that turns him into a fatuous, vacuous twerp.

    Oh, wait…

    • SDGeoff3

      Dr. A Jen has been hard at work. See above!

    • phoenix00

      I believe the hiring process at Fox News has this exact effect.

  • Zyxomma

    I made it through about a minute or two before I had to stop.

  • Bind Trump, not your breasts.
    https://media.giphy.com/media/bAQvooqC0BHjy/giphy.gif

    And always rinse with mouthwash after

  • Mike Steele

    Lady MS: Don’t watch Faux, so hadn’t actually seen Tucker since he was on, what, MSNBC or somewhere, decades ago. Channel surfin’, I caught the chyron and couldn’t help myself. The witch was lovely, articulate and unflappable in the face of his stupid face. You could tell he really, really liked her. Too bad she wasn’t in the studio and close enough to give him a big, fat wet one, and cast him back to his original lily pad.

  • whitroth

    Hey, former bow-tie boy, is it legal for self-proclaimed evangelical “Christians” to pray for bad things to happen to libruls?

    • HooverVilles

      Ah, you beat me to it. I just posted the same theme above.
      Ceiling Cat likes the way you think!
      >^o.o^<

    • phoenix00

      Trump: “Legal in 3….2…..1….”

  • I did so much research for our (witch themed) shakespeare show this summer and I’m totally going to be a witch when i grow up.

  • TakingAmes

    I just… seriously?!? Is it legal?!?! Fuck that guy, for he is A Idiot.

  • SkinlessGenderlessMan

    “Does he always do that confused Labrador face when interviewing people or was this a special occasion?”

    Henry Rollins on David Hasselhof, applicable here also, too:
    “You know that look dogs get when you breed them too much?”

  • Cornelius Fussbudget

    He can’t back down now. As the other conservative talking heads implode one at a time, F***er’s brand value is going up, up, up!

  • Geesquared

    Labrador Libelz!!!!!

    • freshwaterdrum

      Who’s a good boy?

      • Geesquared

        Not Tucker, for damn sure! I miss my boy. He might have led me on some unplanned late night runs, but he was black and beautiful like Tucker hates, and had much more intelligent facial expressions. He never tried to mainstream fascism for the $ either.

        • phoenix00

          What if my American Cocker used to mainstream fascism for beer and biscuits?

          (I am not kidding….)

          • Geesquared

            I had a German Shepherd who used to enforce ALL the laws, including as she interpreted it, the law of gravity (sometimes kids need to be pulled off swings for their own good). She did it for free.

          • phoenix00

            Did she also raise her right paw in an angle while chanting “Sieg heil!”? My long-gone pooch was a very simple-minded chap.

          • Geesquared

            Never spoke, so far as I was aware. She did start out pretty racist: to my mortification, on the way back from the dog park on Sunday mornings she’d go into barking fits at little old black ladies coming home from church. To her credit she unlearned that pretty fast: a black friend coming over a couple of times to have a few beers and play chess pretty much ended it. Try THAT with a two legged person…

          • phoenix00

            My pooch was an equal-opportunity beggar – as long as you (continuously) fed him, it didn’t matter what your skin color, age, sex, occupation, or orientation.

  • I once put a spell on tucker to make him the stupidest pants shitting pundit on teevee.

    • Geesquared

      That’s what that look is! Toddlers do that face when crapping.

    • SDGeoff3

      Well, we must say, your technique is stunning.

    • phoenix00

      Shouldn’t the hiring process at Fox News do exactly that?

  • 3FingerPete

    Tucker Carlson, aka Cotton Blather.

  • thepoliticalcat

    Now see here, Robyn, one look at Tucker Carlson’s expression should tell you he looks like every man would who suddenly discovered he had a vagina where his weenus was not but minutes ago.

    • Clark_Nova

      Vagina libelz!

  • Casual Observer

    Praying is legal.

    • HooverVilles

      Yep.
      PS. Neet avatar.

  • SDGeoff3

    Would lil’ Tuck be surprised that they have a doll of him?

    • NotConvinced

      I was surprised when I saw a Mr. Hanky doll. I was sure it was Tuckles the Clown.

      • SDGeoff3

        : )

  • Kooolest G

    oh no, that evil witch put a spell on tucker to make him sound like a moron!!!! I saw this once on bewitched. maybe tucker’s mother in law is just fucking with him again

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Can C-Tuck not get any real news-related people on his show anymore?

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    I’m going to go out on a limb and say they’ve done surveys to determine the average IQ of his audience.

    • Clark_Nova

      You’re not out on a limb. When I worked in TV, Magid & Associates used little kids in focus groups to make sure that the news ‘talent’ had a peak audience with 9 year-olds. I’m dead serious about this. If you peaked with 10 year-olds and above you either changed your style or got fired.

  • Lorindel Ó Loingsigh

    I casted this spell this one time, and it turned Tucker Carlson into credulous prat forever.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    needz moar ghosts and UFOs.

  • The Librarian

    More like stink-eye of Newt. It is a real thing, though not used in spells of binding, but rather spells of fucking people over. Get Eyes of Newt behind you, Tucker!!!

  • Jay Silversmith

    Well, it can be ascertained that a witch has placed a spell on Tucker that has rendered him with the IQ of plankton.

    • Well, at least Tucker will now be able to photosynthesize, which makes him at least somewhat useful and self-sufficient.

    • TheStrayGoose

      There you go, dissin’ the plankton again.

      • Freetheklingons

        #notallplankton

    • handyhippie65

      that’s not a nice thing to call his mother.

    • phoenix00

      Plankton libelz!!

  • dshwa

    Great, now they’re going to want to bring back the Salem witch trials in addition to bringing back Jim Crow

  • Ellis_Weiner

    Confused labrador is right. Someone on Twitter said Carlson always looks like a confused dog after his owner has just pretended to throw a ball.

  • handyhippie65

    every prayer is a spell. it’s only witchcraft if you pray to the wrong god, or to a goddess.

    • Skadi

      Your prayer is my sorcery and vice versa!

  • HooverVilles

    No more illegal than religious Conservatives praying for misfortune to befall democrats.

  • FYI, yes. He ALWAYS does the confused Labrador face. It’s his signature. Like The Captain always wears his Captain Hat when he’s performing with The Tenile.

  • Maybe

    I bet General Kelly wishes he had a good Book of Shadows handy.

  • Humble (but pissed) Centrist

    What is going on in this country? Are we really doing this? Is this really happening?

    • Vacuous Virgina

      Am I really here all alone? 🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

      • Clark_Nova

        Major Dylan props to VV.

        • Vacuous Virgina

          He has something relevant to say for most, if not all, situations!

          Thx for MY props, tho!!

  • Jet Maier

    As the years go by, Tucker looks like his eyes, nose and mouth are being sucked into his face. It might have something to do with the vacuum where his brain should be,

  • sarahjane1912

    Late to this particular party, but I’m sure I’m not the first to point out that if they’re gonna have a witch, make her a hot one. Because Fox. Plus ca change.

  • AshleeSCuster

    Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
    On tuesday I got a brand new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !si294d:
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  • HooverVilles

    Hey TC, what about the 1st amendment right to the freedom of religion?
    Or does that only apply to certain sects of Christianity? Hmmmm?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Oh come on, Tuck and his buds all know that the First Amendment gives you the right to be any kind of Christian you like, as Jesus intended.

      Or Jewish, if you have to be.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Why are you so scared of these witches Tuck? Isnt God on your boy Trump’s side after all? So these spells shouldnt work right? Practically every religious right leaders kept telling me that Trump is doign God’s will. Whos more powerful? The almighty God or some random witches from California?

  • SeeTrain65
    • Clark_Nova

      This is called “The Frown Of Eternal Incomprehension”. SHS does it all of the time. W was really good at it, too.

  • javadavis

    Point of order! I cannot recommend doing a spell ‘against twerpy Fox news anchors’, as this (a hostile spell) could prove both counterproductive and possibly even dangerous, if said spell was successful. Also, even if you wanted to choose this path, what sort of spell would that be? To make him stupid? To make him look ridiculous? Either of these would be superfluous. No, in my opinion the proper path would be to offer him a spell that would improve him, something that you might even wish for yourself. Perhaps offer him a spell that would give him a functional conscience, for example. An alternative might be to offer a spell of protection to people that he attacks. Then any damage he does to himself is something that he, himself, initiates. It’s kind of like Gozer that way – he would choose his own destructor … or choose to not attack.
    Wait, was this the rule of three lecture site? Meh, take it with a grain.

  • Clark_Nova

    Constitutional Scholar Libelz!

  • Has Carlson ever heard of prayer? This is no different. When Christians gather together as individuals or as a congregation and pray together for a particular outcome, they are beseeching a higher power – God – to act for or against some one or some thing. To bind someone or something from an action, or to loose someone or something to permit an action. That’s what prayer is: asking God, “Hey, would You do this for me?”
    A spell is another kind of prayer, where the practitioner(s) take a symbolic action and gather their energy, sending it out into the world as an act of will to create a result. Depending on the particular tradition of the practitioner, and often also the particular result desired, that spell or “prayer” may be directed to a God or Goddess, some other Power, or simply be directed to the Universe to work their will.
    As to Carlson’s “eye of newt” question, yes, eye of newt is a thing, but not the actual eye of a living creature. It’s essentially a code name; a descriptive word or phrase substituted for the actual ingredient of a spell or potion or whatever, so that if someone unauthorized to perform the spell got hold of the book of spells it would not work for them due to using the wrong ingredient. “Eye of newt” is simply – a daisy.

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