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Smiling Trump is the only thing scarier than shouty Trump
Don’t talk to strangers.

Here’s something light and airy for your Friday morning! Politico has a nice profile about “lonely” and “isolated” Donald Trump, and while it’s a dark and disturbing insight into the president’s psyche, it also reads like maybe Politico just plagiarized serial killer biographies, changing each reference to “Dahmer” or “Gacy” to “Donald Trump.” You know that popular internet joke about how you can take the first line of literally any novel, and then add, “and then the murders began” and it ALWAYS WORKS? This is like that, which is horrifying.

We’ll let you peruse the whole thing in its glory, but the general thesis is that with everybody talking about how lonely and isolated Trump is in the White House, that might be OK because he’s always been that way, ever since he was borned:

He’s been a loner most of his life. At New York Military Academy, everybody knew him but few of his fellow cadets knew him well.

AND THEN THE MURDERS BEGAN.

“He was and is a lonely man,” Jack O’Donnell, a former Trump casino executive, told me.

“One of the loneliest people I’ve ever met,” biographer Tim O’Brien said in an interview. “He lacks the emotional and sort of psychological architecture a person needs to build deep relationships with other people.”

It’s been this way always, because he’s always been foundationally, virulently untrusting. “There’s a wall Donald has that he never lets people penetrate,” a former associate told me. Trump has a dark, dour view of humanity. He considers the world “ruthless,” “brutal” and “cruel.” Through this zero-sum, dog-eat-dog lens, friends aren’t friends—there’s no such thing.

We used to think the animals were his real friends, until he started disemboweling them.

The interview relies heavily on recently Deep State-assassinated Trump pal Roger Stone, who actually has been Trump’s friend for decades — possibly his only actual friend. He clearly likes Trump, but even he sees this weird thing about him:

Now that he’s president, it seems these “self-isolating” tendencies have been exacerbated. I wondered if Stone agreed.

“I think,” Stone said, “that’s generally true, yes.”

When even Roger Stone can see your crazy, HOO BOY.

A couple more serial killer jokes, then we’ll leave you to it:

The first people who really noticed Trump’s tendency to withdraw were his classmates. As a teenager at New York Military Academy, in upstate Cornwall-on-Hudson, he often disappeared into his solo room in the barracks after dinner.

At least they thought that’s where he was going. No one really knew.

It was the same way, though, at Fordham University in the Bronx, where Trump spent his freshman and sophomore years of college playing on the squash team and wearing a three-piece suit to class. Trump and Brian Fitzgibbon sometimes carpooled to school because their families both lived in Jamaica Estates. They were “friendly,” Fitzgibbon said in an interview, but not “friends.” “I can’t recall any real friendships he had at Fordham,” he said. When Trump transferred from Fordham to the University of Pennsylvania, he left without telling people goodbye.

And that’s when the bodies started to appear.

And it was no different, either, down in Philadelphia, where he studied real estate at the Wharton School of Finance and Commerce and boasted in class that he would be bigger than then-nonpareil Manhattan developer Bill Zeckendorf—but, for the most part, one classmate told the Daily Pennsylvanian, Trump “was really off by himself.” He didn’t participate in extracurricular activities or go to fraternity parties or football games. He returned every weekend to New York to work for his father collecting rents at his outer-borough apartment buildings.

The “I-95 Murders,” they called them, because they happened every weekend, somewhere along I-95 between Philadelphia and New York. And he might have gotten away with it, until investigators noticed all the victims disappeared from furniture store parking lots. That would turn out to be the key to unraveling the string of murders that had so terrorized previously pastoral New Jersey. “He grabbed them after he took them furniture shopping,” according to the lead investigator on the case. “He just couldn’t help himself.”

OK you get the point, and you are disturbed now by the antisocial creep in the White House, so this post is over.

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  • Spurning Beer

    He kept to himself, mostly. Seemed like a nice guy.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “Not from around here, but a real square little fellow”

      • Lascauxcaveman

        “There was something just a little bit off about him. It was … OK, it was pretty much everything.”

  • jodyleek

    Why not both? It’s only happenstance that Trump is president and Robert Durst is behind bars. Mostly the same guy.

  • puredog

    I thought he and Roy Cohn were friends?

    • Suttree

      He talked regularly with a marionette he named after his old mentor Roy Cohn. And then the murders began.

  • Snopes Shop
    • little miss high and mighty

      The Rodney King question was NOT rhetorical.
      And the answered, sadly is “No.we cannot all get along”
      Gonna be a long week now.

      • proudgrampa

        But wait, it’s Friday already!

        • little miss high and mighty

          plenty of time for further schenannighans

          • proudgrampa

            True dat.

        • Skeptical_thinker

          And, at roughly 4:00PM+/- it will be drinky time at work. I am fortunate enough to work for a drinking company with a software problem.

  • little miss high and mighty

    Sad, but this will stick out historically.

    • Ricky Gay

      That’s what she said

      • little miss high and mighty

        see that, hee hee hee

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “Call me Ishmael. And then the murders began.”

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It takes a little longer, but it’s totes worth it to do it to Anne of Green Gables:

      “Mrs. Rachel Lynde lived just where the Avonlea main road dipped down into a little hollow, fringed with alders and ladies’ eardrops and traversed by a brook that had its source away back in the woods of the old Cuthbert place; it was reputed to be an intricate, headlong brook in its earlier course through those woods, with dark secrets of pool and cascade; but by the time it reached Lynde’s Hollow it was a quiet, well-conducted little stream, for not even a brook could run past Mrs. Rachel Lynde’s door without due regard for decency and decorum; it probably was conscious that Mrs. Rachel was sitting at her window, keeping a sharp eye on everything that passed, from brooks and children up, and that if she noticed anything odd or out of place she would never rest until she had ferreted out the whys and wherefores thereof.

      And then the murders began.”

    • Querolous

      Jean Rhys, Wide Sargasso Sea They say when trouble comes close ranks, and so the white people did.And then the murders began.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Ooh, that’s a good one!

  • jesterpunk

    “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. And then the murders began”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Ha! That was actually what I was about to write before I changed it to Moby Dick.

      • jodyleek

        It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. And then the murders began.

    • proudgrampa

      “It was a dark and stormy night. And then the murders began.”

    • Werewolf

      “In a hole in the ground lived a hobbit. And then the murders began.”

  • Msgr_MΩment

    It’s gotta be said: SERIAL KILLER LIBEL!!

    • Creepoman

      Beat me to it!

    • Suttree

      A lot of them are very personable!

    • Thiazin Red

      Right? They say Ted Bundy was charming and smart.

      • chimpevil

        And Dahmer had a killer pickup line.

  • chazmanr

    Check my posting history from about 6 months ago. I repeatedly have said that were it not for having enough money to distract himself, Donald J Trump would have been a serial killer along the lines of Ted Bundy.

  • Spurning Beer

    And he might have gotten away with it, until investigators noticed all the victims disappeared from furniture store parking lots. That would turn out to be the key to unraveling the string of murders that had so terrorized previously pastoral New Jersey. “He grabbed them after he took them furniture shopping,” according to the lead investigator on the case. “He just couldn’t help himself.”

    The real break in the case came when investigators found empty TicTac containers at two crime scenes.

  • Ωbjectifier

    This morning we discovered Boris was lousy. And then the murders began.

  • Michael Smith
    • jodyleek

      Those dead eyes. He’s a scary dude. Talks too much, just like Trump. Durst’s and Trump’s upbringings must have been very similar.

  • lucidamente

    Ivanka, light of my life, fire of my loins.

    • Ωbjectifier

      And then the murders began.

      • RMKH

        And then the incest began

  • Sister Suffragette

    I’d never heard the “murders” thing before, so I tried it on the book I just finished. And what do you know!

    “One April afternoon, right after lunch, my husband announced that he wanted to leave me. And then the murders began.”

    — Elena Ferrante, The Days of Abandonment

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Gregor Sansa awoke from uneasy dreams to find himself transformed into a giant bug. And the the murders began

      • little miss high and mighty

        Cute “RAID!” bug libelz

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        From the book I’m reading “A Column of Fire” by Ken Follett:
        “We hanged him in front of Kingsbridge Cathedral. It is the usual place for executions. After all, if you can’t hang a man in front of God’s face, you probably shouldn’t hang him at all”
        And then the murders began

        • grindstone

          It works by default on any Tim Dorsey or Carl Hiaasen book, but let’s see the one I’m reading now:

          The cramps seared without mercy. On the lee side of the cockpit she contorted into a fetal twist, feet tight against buttocks, knees hard under chin. Like synchronized dancers, the twin wheels of the helm gyrated back and forth in the grip of the autopilot. Two women sat huddled on the other side of the cockpit, ostracizing her with their whispers. She glared at them, as if their rudeness was the source of her pain.

          And then the murders began.

          Yep. Works.

    • Roadstergal

      Call me Ishmael. And then the murders began.
      That one is a little klunky.

      It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. And then the murders began.
      That works.

      It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. And then the murders began.
      OK, I like that one.

      I’ll make my report as if I told a story, for I was taught as a child on my homeworld that Truth is a matter of the imagination. And then the murders began.
      Meh.

      Deep breath. And then the murders began.
      OK, that one works the best. (“What Happened”)

    • proudgrampa

      I tried this out with a random pick from my library.

      From “They Eat Puppies, Don’t They?” by Christopher Buckley:

      “An unearthly sound — clarions, shrieking — summoned Bird from the land of the undead.”

      And then the murders began.

    • LesBontemps

      Best one evar:

      In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.And then the murders began.

      • Seek

        Which sums up the entire Judeo Christian Islamic triumvirate quite nicely.

    • chimpevil

      I believe that’s how every Agatha Christie book starts: It was a sleepy Yorkshire village where unassuming people led lives of quiet desperation. And then the murders began. . .

  • Michael Smith

    I first met Dean not long after my wife and I split up. And then the murders began.

  • The Librarian

    I read the novel. Spoiler alert! The “killer” gets his, but I won’t say how. Let’s just say there’s a team of superheroes that have amazing powers.

    • Creepoman

      Mueller to the rescue!

  • fawkedifiknow

    In the beginning, there was the Word. And then the murders began.

  • Spurning Beer

    Once upon a time, there were three bears: the Mama bear, the Papa bear, and the Baby bear.

    Then the murders began.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Call me Ishmael. And then the murders….

      No, I don’t think I’m doing this right.

      • coozledad

        Probably works with Bartleby, though. That fucker was always retiring to his room alone after dinner, too.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    At least Nixon had a dog.

    • Thiazin Red

      And liked his family.

      • RMKH

        And his mother was a saint.

    • bubbuhh

      Trump makes his staff bark like dogs

  • Paperless Tiger

    But most of all, he doesn’t know Felix Sater.

  • Wild Cat

    “It was the worst of times. It was the worst of times. It was a time of no hope. It was a time of no hope. It was a time of untruth. It was a time of untruth. It was a time of 140 characters murdered, 140 characters murdered, 140 characters murdered. The time kept killing characters . . . “

  • Scooby

    He was a nice quiet guy, kept to himself, didn’t bother anybody.
    -every neighbor describing every serial killer

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      No one would describe Trump as “nice”, except maybe that racist butler.

      • Roadstergal

        Or ‘quiet.’

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    OT: Oh, Donnie’s Twatting has got him in twouble again.

    https://twitter.com/CNN/status/908702465222234114

    • jesterpunk

      He found his twitting machine to twit about London but couldn’t twit at Mexico after their earthquake/ hurricane.

      • bubbuhh

        Tharz a wall tween his twitfingerz n Mexico. Cudnt reach n grab.

    • jodyleek

      Oh, for dog’s sake! Yeah, let’s piss off England. Again. What could go wrong? Fucking stupid dipshit. Jesus!

    • bubbuhh

      On tother hand, he made up all the details he twitted.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Maga Mania‏ @MightyMagaMan4 10m
      Replying to @CNN
      You would think she’d have more important things to worry about at the moment.

      Yeah, somebody tweeting information about the investigation, which might aid the perpetrators, isn’t important.

      • jodyleek

        Not to mention, pissing off our closest ally. Again!

    • proudgrampa

      Donald really needs to just shut the fuck up.

      • GoutMachine

        He’s definitely out of his element.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I get the impression Prime Minister May doesn’t like Donnie.

      • Ill-Advised

        She used to, not too long ago; a premature congratulation, and wasn’t there something about a ride in a golden carriage, or walkies with the corgis, or summat like that?

  • “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.”

    and then…

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hold with such nonsense. And then the murders began.

  • calliecallie

    As a long-standing introvert, I do not think retiring to his room after dinner is what makes Trump inherently evil. It’s everything else.

    • GoutMachine

      Amen to that.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      It’s what he does in his room after dinner that make him evil.

      • Notreelyhelping

        “Clean, clean, clean the bones,” he sang softly.

        • coozledad

          Isn’t that one of Ted Cruz’s old numbers?

    • armed_bears

      But that’s just what a fellow serial killer would say, though, isn’t it?

      • calliecallie

        Dangerous talk coming from an armed bear. LOL.

        • CordeliaJWhalen

          Get paid weekly by Google (Make $99/hr with Google) and live a financially strong life…
          last tuesday I got a great new range Land Rover Range Rover from bringing in $12073 this last five weeks . it’s certainly my favourite work I have ever done . I started this 7-months ago and straight away startad bringin in more than $75… per-hr . try this web-site
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  • bubbuhh

    That Trump. #BiggestLoser and traditional racist #NaziBucketChallenge

  • Bobathonic

    I was already distrubed by the antisocial creep in the White House. For about 9 months, now.

  • schmannity

    He liked to dress as a clown. And then workers in the crawlspace under Trump Tower
    . . . .

  • CalvinianChoice

    The driver of the wagon swaying through forest and swamp of the Ohio wilderness was a ragged girl of fourteen. And then the murders began.

  • Panika MCD

    In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. And then the murders began…

    • jesterpunk

      Check your email, I ordered the costume and will send you the tracking number once amazon has it.

      • Panika MCD

        I saw! picked me right up because I have not heard back from the potential adopter!

    • puredog

      “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. And then the murders began.”
      I dunno.

    • proudgrampa

      Just what does everyone think was happening when Bilbo Baggins went away for that length of time?

      He sure wasn’t playing tiddly-winks.

  • As dawn broke following the night of fire and fury there was nothing left alive on planet earth.

    And then the murders began.

    No wait, that doesn’t work. I just made that line up.

    • little miss high and mighty

      yeah , but the best one so far- butthey are all good

    • jodyleek

      Write the book, damnit!
      I’ll wait.

      • GoutMachine

        Wait long enough and it’ll be on the front page of all our newspapers

        • Rebel Scum with permit

          What newspapers?

          • LesBontemps

            What’s a “newspaper”?

          • arensb

            People used to sell printouts of RSS feeds. Don’t ask. Printers were expensive, it made sense at the time.

          • LesBontemps

            Weird!

    • arglebargle

      It does if you use Obama’s time machine.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • GoutMachine

    It was a bright, cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. And then the murders began.

    • Suttree

      Ok. That one gave me chills.

    • CripesAmighty

      And the Whos down in Whoville will all cry boo -hoo.
      And the murders began.

  • Panika MCD

    The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play, so we sat in the house all that cold, cold wet day. I sat there with Sally. We sat here we two and we said ‘How we wish we had something to do.’ And then the murders began.

    • jodyleek

      You win!

    • little miss high and mighty

      Dr.Seuß libelz!

  • Major_Major_Major

    Wondering if he slips out of the Country Clubs and lives an alter-ego of Naranjo the Clown?

  • Panika MCD

    Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice ‘without pictures or conversation?’ And then the murders began.

    • little miss high and mighty

      Dodgson LibelZ!

  • Stulexington

    It was an odd vine. And then the murders began.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    It was twenty years ago today. Sargent Pepper taught the band to play. And then the murders began.

    • Ill-Advised

      “And they want you all to stab the fans…”

      Oh, dear. Time to clean out the earworms!

  • John Iwaniszek

    Who the Hell thought he would make a good president?

    • GoutMachine

      Putin ?

    • BreakingDeadMen

      “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”–George Carlin

      • Rags

        -and then the murders began

  • jesterpunk

    “Perhaps the most important thing to know about any kind of deal is the deal should not work out in your favor. And then the murders began”

    Hey this works with anything. Bonus points if anyone knows what that line is from.

  • Panika MCD

    All the children, except one, grew up. And then the murders began.

    (this is a very cathartic game.)

    • Unhappy Fingers

      I told my kids to go do their homework. And then the murders began.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. And then the murders began.

    • GoutMachine

      Oh, very nice.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      That’s factually accurate

      • LesBontemps

        Columbus libel!

    • arensb

      “I don’t do it for the money. I’ve got enough, much more than I’ll ever need. I do it to do it. Deals are m y art form. Other people paint beautifully on canvas or write wonderful poetry. I like making deals, preferably big deals. That’s how I get my kicks.” And then the murders begin.

  • rosenbomb

    It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.

    And then the murders began.

    • little miss high and mighty

      F.S.F. libelz!

      • rosenbomb

        Wait, I don’t understand what F.S.F. is! How can I libel if I don’t know what I’m libeling!

        • little miss high and mighty

          Sorry, i thought you were quoting the opening of an F.S. Fitzgerald novel.
          But anywayze, libelz on whomever wrote the lede you quoted.
          just for luvs and funsys.

          • rosenbomb

            Haha, that explains my confusion! Nah, just some Jane Austen.

  • little miss high and mighty

    It’s been a slow week in Lake Woebegone
    and then the murders began.

  • btwbfdimho

    Trump walking and talking around areas devastated by hurricanes reminds me of this.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4dca134384568eb781a895cc6a4d69f2fb19ec1170a8988f1b4c182ff5b2d250.jpg

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Orcas Island, San Juan Island, Lopez Island, all the other islands, get on the ferry and come and join a murder of wonkers (like a murder of crows, not like this guy) for a Friday evening, Aug. 4, revelry of drinking and eating and babies and niceness!
    And then the murders began.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ronald Reagan was distant, friendless and guarded as well. It was said that his closest friend was Mike Deaver, but after Deaver was fired, the two never spoke again, or at least not for years. Dubya was also not keen on introspection, and never seemed to get into depth on any issues, and even his alleged compassion only amounts to painting pictures of the people his policies ended up maiming — as though he’s grasping for some sort of identification with the horrors the motherfucker has inflicted, but is somehow prevented by some wall of ego from acknowledging that he personally sucks. I think that isolation allows the suckage and the emotional brutality at first, and then walls the psychopath from its consequences, and this is what we’re seeing in Trump.

    • coozledad

      as though he’s grasping for some sort of identification with the horrors the motherfucker has inflicted,

      It’s like Modigliani’s interior struggle for ownership of the nudes he painted, or Leonardo’s self portraits in Florentine women’s fashion.

      The act of painting is more often than not an act of appropriation.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Every Who Down in Whoville Liked Christmas a lot…and then the murders began.

  • Stulexington

    Is he seriously trying to method act his isolationist policy (the only one he seems to pursue with any consistency)?

  • Marion in Savannah

    On the afternoon of September 25, a woman named Jo-Layne Lucks drove to the Grab N’Go minimart in Grange, Florida, and purchased spearmint Certs, unwaxed dental floss and one ticked for the state Lotto. And then the murders began.

    (“Lucky You” by Carl Hiaasen.)

    • grindstone

      I mentioned above that this trope works by default on any Carl Hiaasen or Tim Dorsey books. Must be a Florida thing, the murderin’.

  • Ωbjectifier

    It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love. And then the murders began.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun. And then the murders began.

    • Arolpin

      Many people in the Miracle Valley had theories about why Joe Mondragon did
      it. At first, the somewhat addlebrained but sympathetic sheriff, Bernabe
      Montoya, figured it was just one more irrational manifestation of an
      ornery temperament, of a kid, now almost middle-aged, with a king-sized
      chip on his shoulder, going slightly amuck. The Frontier Bar owner,
      Tranquilino Jeantete, said (with a sardonic wink) that Joe did it
      because he was hungry for an enchilada made from honest-to-God Milagro
      frijoles, with some Devine Company cojones mixed in. Nick Rael, the
      storekeeper, figured Joe might have done it because he could not pay the
      ninety-odd dollars he owed the store; or else maybe he did it just out
      of sheer renegade inbred spite, hoping to drive up ammo sales at the
      same time he put Nick out of business. The chief perpetrator of the
      Indian Creek Dam, Ladd Devine the Third, who held Milagro’s fate in his
      hand like a fragile egg, considered what Joe did a personal assault on
      his empire, on the Indian Creek Dam, and on that egg. And the immortal
      old man, Amarante Cordova, who lived on the west side of the highway in
      the ghost town neighborhood, believed Joe did it because God had ordered
      him to start the Revolution without any further delay.
      And then the murders began.

      • grindstone

        Ohhhhh, that book, and even the movie. Lovely lovely.

        • Arolpin

          I’ve been reading that book since the early 80s and it’s still my favorite novel. I re-read it every couple of years. The movie was OK, at least it didn’t ruin the story, but it seemed to lack the heart and the fact that even Ladd Devine is, at heart, a good person.
          I think that’s what makes the book so great, even the antagonists aren’t bad or evil, they just have different motivations. (Referring to The Milagro Beanfield War, which all Wonkers should buy and read. Buy a couple copies because it’s a book that gets loaned out and not returned.)

          • grindstone

            I admit I have a soft spot for the movie because it has Ruben Blades in it.

  • Spurning Beer

    The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout.

    Then the murders began.

  • Major_Major_Major

    Open channel hydraulics is the study of the physics of fluid flow in conveyances in which the flowing fluid forms a free surface and is driven by gravity. And then the murders began.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Still works!

    • WeaselPoo

      Stop you are killing me:)

  • arglebargle

    Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. And then the murders began.

    • WeaselPoo

      Rofl!!

      • arglebargle

        WTP was my favorite growing up. I had a stuffed Piglet.

        • WeaselPoo

          I too grew up on Winnie the Pooh (Milne. not Disney). The house on which I was born was situated on Honeypots Road…not kidding. The woods were right by the house and a couple of nearby small rivers allowed us to play ” ” ” Pooh Sticks” often. My mum named our house “The Wolery”. I had a fortunate childhood.

          • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

            “Pooh sticks?” asked Piglet.
            “Yes, it does,” replied Pooh.

        • Erala Contratista

          I still have mine!

          • arglebargle

            Mine was so threadbare from being dragged around my Mom never had to throw it out. It eventually just dissipated into the ether.

        • Arolpin

          As long as it wasn’t a stuffed Eyeore. I was kind of shocked to find out that there are Eyeore fans, and they take it seriously. Bah, Eyeore reminds me of a 13-year-old Emo kid, or Little Gloomy as my friend tagged my sister and her friends many decades ago.

          • Meccalopolis

            Hey! I had an eyeore

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Robert Anton Wilson used to say that being a serial killer was a prerequisite for the job of POTUS.

    • Suttree

      Did some one dose Turnip once and give him R.A.W. to read. It would explain his Bircher view of the world.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        When Roger Stone and Roy Cohn deal your acid, all bets are off

        • Suttree

          Dealing is one thing, it’s a whole nother thing turning him into that creature.

  • He became aware at an early age his tiny penis was in proportion to his tiny hands. And then the murders began.

  • WeaselPoo

    ‘Twas brillig and slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.All tulsey were the undergroves and then the murders began..

    • Marion in Savannah

      All mimsy were the borogoves
      And then the murders began.

      (/pedant)

      • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

        We may be a vile snark mob, but we *do* have standards.

  • Crystalclear12

    They thought Clinton was bad but then during a routine excavation of the Rose garden revealed Trump’s true character.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the murders began

  • Crystalclear12

    Has anyone counted the interns?

    • WeaselPoo

      Funny!

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    The “I-95 Murders,” they called them, because they happened every weekend, somewhere along I-95 between Philadelphia and New York.

    Makes more sense than the I-94 murders. a.k.a. the Smiley Face Murders

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smiley_face_murder_theory

  • therblig

    Mother died this morning. The murders had already begun.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    And even as the plane screams towards the ground at a speed that threatens to rip its wings off, three out of ten passengers think the new guy is doing a helluva job!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cd829482e360ea9a3e8b609c9d872739457efcd0c40a109dcdb738cc325b31e1.jpg

    • Stulexington

      I’m sure that, given time, he’ll grow into the position.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Like a chia

        • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

          Geshundzeit!

    • JohnBull

      People think that way about us teachers. Strange that nobody seems to want to be one, considering how they seem to know better.

      • Stulexington

        The reason is another example of cognitive dissonance: they don’t want to become a teacher because the pay sucks, even though they complain that teachers are paid too much.

        • Historicat

          They just don’t want to be under the thumb of those awful teachers unions. And they all for sure that those unions are running the schools.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      “Wait. Come to think of it, I can’t fly this! We’re all gonna DIE!!!”

      Passengers: “Hey, I like this guy. He tells it like it is!”

      • proudgrampa

        “B-b-but I’m Microsoft Flight Simulator CERTIFIED!”

        • aureolaborealis

          I got to take the controls of a commercial flight* once based purely on my conversation with the pilot beforehand, wherein my extensive experience with Microsoft Flight Simulator was discussed.

          * A very, very small commercial flight.**
          (I was the only passenger.)

          ** But still a subsidiary of Continental Airlines.

          • proudgrampa

            I got to spend a lot of time with a private pilot friend who would take me up with him in his Cessna 172 whenever I wanted to go. He would let me take the controls and I had a blast.

            Flying is Freaking Fun!

      • CripesAmighty

        It’s just common sense.

    • Make Flying Great Again!

  • Crystalclear12

    Has anyone seen Trump’s black friend?

    • JohnBull

      He used to be a sheriff in Milwaukee. Then the murders began.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Trump can’t even fake human feelings long enough to pretend to enjoy owning a dog or cat or whatever animal pet like all the other presidents that came before him. He could’ve even bought some crazy rare tiger or panda bear to have running around like a real 3rd world dictator, but instead chooses to hate animals. I don’t need to know anything else to come to the “possible serial killer” conclusion.

    • CripesAmighty

      Oh he’s got em alright-hostility, contempt, spite, sadism.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And then the murders began.

    • weejee

      He’s 13.7 billion years old?

      • BreakingDeadMen

        I thought it was 6,000 years? I went to school in Texas.

    • proudgrampa

      Well, you can’t go back much further than that…

      • BreakingDeadMen

        It’s actually a good synopsis of the OT, if I do say so myself.

        • Nockular cavity

          It’s been murders all the way down ever since then.

          • jesterpunk

            They also had some incest thrown in for good measure.

          • BreakingDeadMen

            The parallels with Trump go deep

          • BearGHAZI

            Good measure? Or GOOD PLEASURE?!?!?!?!

          • Canned Covfefe

            Eeewwww

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Old Dump doesn’t have the skills to murder. Hands are too small and weak for strangling. Guns and knives would cause too much of a mess and he might soil his suit. I’m sure he has all of his murder outsourced to China or somewhere.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Yeah, the prick probably delegates it.

  • weejee
  • JohnBull

    1801. I have just returned from a visit from my landlord, the solitary neighbor I shall be troubled with. Then the murders began. On the moors.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I was going to do James and the Giant Peach but really, it may as well have “and then the murders began” in it already:

    Until he was four years old, James Henry Trotter had had a happy life. He lived peacefully with his mother and father in a beautiful house beside the sea. There were always plenty of other children for him to play with, and there was the sandy beach for him to run about on, and the ocean to paddle in. It was the perfect life for a small boy.

    Then, one day, James’s mother and father went to London to do some shopping, and there a terrible thing happened. Both of them suddenly got eaten up (in full daylight, mind you, and on a crowded street) by an enormous angry rhinoceros which had escaped from the London Zoo

    I always knew Roald Dahl was ahead of his time.

    • beingreleased

      This was always my favorite book as a kid. You gotta respect a kids book where the hero’s parents are eaten by a rhinoceros in the 2nd paragraph.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Dahl’s books are THE BEST. The adults, if not dead or missing, are terrifically awful.

      • Erala Contratista

        Read a collection of his short stories when I was a small. Scary and hilarious.
        Perfect for a kid with a well developed dark side.

  • coozledad

    “I believe that Trump may even lack the emotional connections necessary to stick a knife in someone’s ribs and hammer it in with the heel of his hand” one acquaintance noted. “But think of all the people he backed over in that Lincoln. Never even bothered to check the mirrors except to adjust his hair.”

    • weejee

      Mirrors? But with tRump there is no reflection.

  • Baconzgood

    Well at least he wasn’t pouring kerosene on frogs and setting them on fire or mutilating kittens or wetting the bed at 19 right? Right? Please tell me I’m right…PLEASE TELL BACONZ HE’S RIGHT.

    • weejee

      That Depends™.

      • Baconzgood

        Sweet. That’s the pun of the day.

    • Canned Covfefe

      Who would be so foolish as to answer that?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “Son, there are some things you just do not want to know, some questions that you do not want answered. Okay? Now go outside and play, like a good boy.”

  • Wolf Tracker

    I have done some studying on Trump’s familiy and his upbringing that explains his mental state:

    He was born to wealth but he went to a public school until 13 when he was kicked out for being a bully and sent to the military academy. Cut off from his parents and forced to respect other people was probably traumatic and Trump seems to be stuck at the emotional age of a 13 year old.

    His father loved Trump’s older brother and was always bragging on him and pushing Trump away. Trump’s brother did not want his Father’s lifestyle and died of alcoholism as at a young age. No closeness developed between Trump and father and they became rivals in business as he was trying to outdo his father for attention he never got.

    So, that is where Trump developed his insecurity and it comes out as narcissism and braggadocio and lack of trust in people which explains his not having friends and lying about accomplishments and selfishness.

    The rest of his assholiness is his defense mechanism to keep from being hurt.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      That makes sense… I’ve known others trapped at an early emotional state and, despite some appearances of adult-like behavior, really never get past that sad/angry/lost/whatever child state…

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      And, he was mentored by Roy Cohn who the nastiest of SOB’s.

    • SS

      I’m a firm believer in Occam’s Razor. The simplest explanation is typically the correct one. Taking that one step further you can explain 99% of all the world’s ills on mommy or daddy issues. Sad but true. And continuing on that line of thinking everything you need to know about people can be learned in Psych 101. One of the most important classes I took in college.

      I absolutely 100% believe this is why Drumpf is the way Drumpf is. Mirrors W story almost exactly to the tee. Except having Babs Bush as his mother kept him from being a total psychopath.

  • spangled

    do y’all think trump and robert durst could have been friends?

    both new york real estate heirs, about the same age, both super duper creepy, at least 1 of them a murderer
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/457182a501dfe0ee65875ff053a2d5f37f8f5241fdd85bdda5c613eb63382137.gif

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Nobody in town had any coffee…
    And then the murders began.

    -Biography of Skwerl.

    • Nockular cavity

      That would seriously begin The Purge in most cities.

  • btwbfdimho

    The 7 Oddest Things Donald Trump Thinks, including “Asbestos got a bad rap”.

    http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2016/10/the-7-oddest-things-donald-trump-thinks-214354

    • beingreleased

      Asbestos killed mostly poor people, so why would anyone get worked up over it?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And workers… same thing I suppose…

        • beingreleased

          Expendables.

        • beingreleased

          I’m sure Trump would agree with the statement “Workers are fungible.”

          • Ghenghis McCann

            He probably thinks “Workers are fungi.”

          • Beanz&Berryz

            “Especially the hot ones… Oh, there’s a “g”.”

      • Werewolf

        My great-uncle died of mesothelioma, probably from building Liberty Ships during WWII. Fuck that orange asswipe.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He used to play tennis but quit because the points required too much patience.

      Holy shit — fucker doesn’t have enough patience for a point in tennis. #MAADDA.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    “Trump spent his freshman and sophomore years of college playing on the squash team and wearing a three-piece suit to class.

    Right there… Indicative proof of being an up-and-coming ASSHOLE.

    • BigCSouthside

      If you ever voluntarily wear a full suit, you’re probably a fucking asshole

      • CripesAmighty

        Tony Bennett libelz

        • BigCSouthside

          That’s not voluntary. I’m pretty sure that’s just Tony Bennett’s skin

    • SomeBigRedDog

      How did he not get beat up every day of his life?

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      Also pretty sure the guy never had a girlfriend until he had to start paying for one.

    • aureolaborealis

      Let us take a moment to remember that this was 1967/68. Which makes it even more detestable.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    A way a lone a last a loved along the riverrun, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, leads us by commodious vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and environs. Which is where the murders began.

  • BigCSouthside

    As a fellow antisocial with a very small number of real friends (I am not a serial killer btw) this could be the first time I’ve ever empathized with trump.

    I feel like I need a shower.

    • Crystalclear12

      This might be sign you need therapy or a drink.

      • BigCSouthside

        Therapy costs too much. Wine is much more cost effective

        • Suttree

          And it comes in boxes so you don’t accidentally cut your foot.

    • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

      I can’t empathize or sympathize with him. Everyone has their own personal hells and his is of his own making.

    • Wolf Tracker

      Anti-social might not be the right word. I have a few close friends but lots of social acquaintances however I prefer to be alone most of the time.

      When I get the urge maybe once a week I go socialize but then I want my privacy to pursue whatever my latest interest is.

      That is not anti-social and is just how some people are and for them it is a healthy lifestyle.

      • BigCSouthside

        Yeah I’m likely mis-naming

        • Wolf Tracker

          As long as you are not doing yourself or anyone harm you are just fine.

          People with PTSD find large crowds over whelming.

          • BigCSouthside

            Nah I’m pretty freakin normal. I just like generally solitary hobbies, and being outside. And dogs. Dogs are the best people.

          • Wolf Tracker

            There ya go and all my best friends have been dogs!

    • YoBunnyBunny

      For well-meaning people, I always recommend they distinguish themselves as generally “unsociable/unsocial” rather than “antisocial”.

      Unless you go around grabbing women by the pussy or calling your co-workers idiots to their faces, there’s no need to consider yourself a “fellow” of Trump and therefore empathize with him.

    • Historicat

      I am not a serial killer btw

      That’s just what I would expect a serial killer to say …

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “Who is John Galt?”

    …And then the murders began.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Did I understand correctly a post below that Trump is cluster-fucking the London investigation enough in tweets that PM May is pissed?

    • GoutMachine

      Sounds that way. And regardless, it’s Trump, so one could always safely assume it.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Of course he did. He either referenced classified information or straight made shit up on twitter. Because he’s the worst and doesn’t care about humanity and won’t stop until we’re all hated like him by the rest of the world.

      • beingreleased

        I suspect the former. Making stuff up would have required him to know what Scotland Yard is.

        • Suttree

          He heard about it on Faux n Friends.

        • Ghenghis McCann

          My mother was from Scotland. Wonderful people. They have these great yards. Lots of them.

        • Spurning Beer

          A Scotland yard is 39.36 inches.

          • beingreleased

            You win.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          “Are any of those Scotland yards for sale?” D. Trump, Real Estate mogul.

    • Stulexington

      Didn’t they already decide to stop telling the Americans about ongoing investigations because of the last time he wouldn’t keep his grubby little fingers still?

      • jesterpunk

        Yes

    • little miss high and mighty

      he’s mad at mi 5 for the Steele dosier

    • Daniel

      Yes.

    • beingreleased

      “Mr. Trump, does it bother you that the US still has allies?”

      • Beanz&Berryz

        He’s working on that…

  • arglebargle

    On the far-away island of Sala-ma-sond, Yertle the Turtle was king of the pond. And then the murders began.

  • Cogswell – In a Mirror, Darkly

    Being the sexual predator that he is, his favorite cookie is likely Lady Fingers.

    (sorry, a rip off of an old joke about Wisconsin’s very own Ed Gein)

  • LesBontemps

    In the great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon. And then the murders began.

    • Suttree

      I had took look it up, but that was my favorite book when I was young.

  • Notreelyhelping

    We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I felt a bit light-headed…and then the murders began.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Baseball bat country.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. And then the murders began.

  • arglebargle

    In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. And then the murders began.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. And then the murders began.

    • little miss high and mighty

      Ulysses liblez!

      • yyyaz

        Ulysses cannot be libeled enough.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. And then the murders began.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Saw yours just as I hit “post.”

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Great minds and all.

        • Bub, the cynical zombie

          Word

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. And then the murders began.”

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      AAIÚN, EL-, also el-Aiúm, town, principal urban center of Western Sahara (formerly the overseas province of Spanish Sahara), near the Atlantic Ocean. The town is an artificially constructed oasis, where grains and vegetables are grown by irrigation.

      And then the murders began.

  • Suttree

    A screaming comes across the sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now. And then the murders began.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    “lonely” and “isolated” Donald Trump

    And he did absolutely nothing to create that reality for himself at all!!!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/53743e4e8afdeed2ce35bc8490065afcdef153f2955b6bec3bfd8daae3b77336.jpg

    • renegade500

      No President has ever been treated so badly before in the history of Presidents! I mean, just ask Lincoln, he’d agree I’m sure. Prolly Kennedy too.

      • LucindathePook

        Jimmy Garfield chimes in.

        • renegade500

          And let’s not forget one sexxxy B. Obama.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    The propensity to truck, barter and exchange one thing for another is common to all men, and to be found in no other race of animals.

    Then the murders began.

  • Rags

    Longtemps, je me suis couché de bonne heure. Et ensuite les meurtres ont commencé

    • OutOfOrbit

      say wut?! you were fappin on the couch and then…?

      • Ghenghis McCann

        It’s ‘Murrican. Louisiana ‘Murrican.

        • Erala Contratista

          Dat rat Cher!

  • renegade500

    Someone needs to get those Law and Order writers on the phone to do a ripped from the headlines episode!

  • TJ Barke

    Mr. and Mrs, Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. And then the murders began.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Good one.

    • renegade500

      And that’s actually what happened in those books!

  • Baconzgood

    Normally I’d do the “OT” before posting something like this. But let’s be honest this needs to be “on topic” every minute of every day.

    It’s a fucking monkey in a suit wearing googlie eyes. We should be able to see this as often as you see a Pepsi machine. (If know and have DVDS of the show it came from I will gay/straight marry you) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/790327b9af5112550c006faf81c6a97ea10a61a476220f265eec6d569351a9e6.jpg

  • bbayliss

    “We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive….”
    Then the murders began.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie
    • SomeBigRedDog

      Those cheap hats are very flammable!

    • TJ Barke

      HOW DARE HE GO BACK ON HIS PROMISE TO RUIN THE LIVES OF A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO NEVER ASKED TO BE ILLEGAL!!!

  • Nockular cavity

    Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-Lee-tah: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, on three, at the teeth. Lo. Lee. Tah.

    And then the murders began.

  • Unhappy Fingers

    Some shitty software called Discus was keeping me from reading the comments on a Wonkette article, where comments are not allowed. Then the murders began.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    I had just killed her with my bare hands, then the MURDERS began.

  • renegade500

    In five years, the penis will become obsolete. And then the murders began.

  • Randy Riddle

    ““It was incredibly uncomfortable. He was literally breathing down my neck. My skin crawled. It was one of those moments where you wish you could hit pause and ask everyone watching, well, what would you do? Do you stay calm, keep smiling and carry on as if he weren’t repeatedly invading your space? And then the murders began.”

  • OutOfOrbit

    for the very first time ever, she only had 3 orgasms. Then the murders began.

  • Rags

    The last man on earth sat in a room. There was a knock at the door. And then the murders began.

    • bookish

      That’s shiver-inducing.

      • Rags

        Would you like to subscribe to my newsletter?

    • Arolpin

      So you’re saying the killer was a WOMAN?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    He is a monster. No question about it.

  • OddMan

    ” It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.
    And then the murders began.

    ” It was a pleasure to burn.
    And then the murders began.”

  • bbayliss

    The greatest opening lines ever written:

    “Woof! Woof woof! Woof! Woof!
    Barking in the night. Barking, barking. I shriek but no one answers.
    I scream but there’s not even an echo.”

    and then the murders began.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    It was a dark and stormy night. Then the murders began.

    • proudgrampa

      You can have it. I’m not selfish. ;-)

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I didn’t read the entire thread, but with this crowd, it was a sure bet that someone cited the classic already.

        /bow

        • proudgrampa

          The classics are loved by everyone!

  • Nounverb911
    • TJ Barke

      Jesus, don’t be such a tease!

    • Wolf Tracker

      Not a deal to be impeached but a deal to resign might well be in the works.

  • TJ Barke

    Trump sounds like me if I was dumber and more of an asshole…

    • proudgrampa

      Today, we are all Trump, if we were dumber and more of an asshole.

    • bbayliss

      Insightful, and explains much about his supporters.

    • Lord Jim

      I’m pretty sure that if you were dumber and more of an asshole, you’d still be more likeable than Trump.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    “Oh, mother! Oh, father. See Spot run! Run Spot, run!”
    And then the murders began.

    • Old town Urbandale

      “Out, damned Spot! out, I say!”

      • Arolpin

        And then the murders, which had occurred several days previous to this, began to really weigh on her.

  • MrTusks

    Bill Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. And then the murders began.

    • little miss high and mighty

      so it goes…
      powtweet powtweet.

      • MrTusks

        Take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut! Take a flying fuck at the mooooooooon!

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen when the murders began.

    • little miss high and mighty

      April is the cruellest month and then…

      • TundraGrifter

        January is pretty rough when all the Christmas bills start to arrive.

        Just sayin’…

        • little miss high and mighty

          Yeah,” but bringing forthdead lilies” etc.

          We be wringing them, those late lillies from the acorns
          For the Statue of Liberty- gone in the teeth and for a notched civilizatiuon..
          Nighty night all
          (Late o’clock CET)

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Mr. Jones, of the Manor Farm, had locked the hen-houses for the night, but was too drunk to remember to shut the pop-holes. Then the murders began.

  • Somersault

    Trump is a textbook narcissist. I’m irritated by everyone upon The Twitter yammering about him being a sociopath. He isn’t. The loner aspect of his personality is because of shame, which is the core of narcissism.

  • La forza del resistino

    Donald: Serial killer of casinos all across New Jersey.

  • sincarne

    “It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase ‘As pretty as an Airport’ appear. And then the murders began.”

    I broke your meme.

    • Chyron HR

      Brian Eno libelz.

  • cheetojeebus

    I am Sam. I am Sam. Sam-I-Am.
    That Sam-I-Am! That Sam-I-Am!
    I do not like that Sam-I-Am!
    Then the murders started.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Not at all surprising, really.

  • FauxAntocles

    Are you sure this is satire?
    It is satire, right?
    Hello?

    • proudgrampa

      Such a thin line…

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      “The satire is coming from the inside of your house!”

  • bookish

    Trump tweets in response to today’s London incident.

    http://nbcnews.to/2f01vvX

    http://nbcnews.to/2eZS8MM

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Damn right. Ban everybody from travelling to the US on the London Underground.

      • WeaselPoo

        Damn right damnit! 12 forms of photo ID before you can get an Oyster Card.

    • Parakeetist
  • Wolf Tracker

    Not all super wealthy people are complete assholes but it does seem to go with the territory.

    • Stulexington

      And then the murders began?

      • Boscoe

        Well, that goes without saying…

    • TundraGrifter

      And most often if the money is second or third generation. I’ve met a number of self-made rich people and often they are quite pleasant. I will say it generally depends on whether they really earned the money or were just lucky investment banking fucks who stumbled into it despite their own best efforts.

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        Most of the hedgies I’ve dealt with are douche bros who think their stumbling into money makes them smart. They aren’t.

        • Arolpin

          Most of the hedgies I’ve know are either entitled scions of the previous generations’ version of hedgies (mergers & acquisition people probably) or are immigrants. The smart ones are immigrants.

    • Erala Contratista

      I very much doubt Drumphf is any kind of rich….

  • WeaselPoo

    Re: Trump’s London bombing tweet
    and previous ejaculations he’s made:

    Informed of something previously unknown to him–such as Lincoln being a Republican—he imagines the information must be exclusive to him but shares it to show how smart and superior he imagines himself to be, expecting praise.
    Given sensitive information that should be privy to his position as POTUS he will still blab about it for the same reason (Navy battle group heading to North Korea for instance).
    If he has neither, he just fabricates, for the same purpose.

    He is a very dangerous loony.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

    And then the murders began.

    • The Librarian

      I smell a bit of Holden Caulfield?

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        That poignant scent of teenage angst.

  • DainBramage

    In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit, and then the murders began.
    Please forgive me, Professor Tolkien.

    • Baconzgood

      That’s where burrow owls live.

      • Parakeetist

        I said Jumpin Jesus on a pogo stick…

        https://youtu.be/71PNZH1OaW0

        • Baconzgood

          Classic I love wonkers that get the Dead Milkmen and Spinal Tap references.

          I like you Stewart. You’re not like the others…here at the trailer park.

    • Parakeetist

      You stop

  • Red Richmond

    “When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous vermin. And then the murders began.”

    • proudgrampa

      Ah, I loves me some Kafka in the morning.

      And then the murders began… (I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.)

      • Red Richmond

        Well, it’s important to remember the classics.

        “When he was nearly thirteen my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. And then the murders began.”

        • Querolous

          “Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,” grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.” And then the murders began.

          Little Women, Louisa May Alcott

  • TundraGrifter

    I read an interview a while ago with a gentleman who had attended that military school with Mr. Trump. It was, of course, all male. His classmate said the most popular reading material was Playboy Magazine. You don’t have to be a medical professional to see that everything Mr. Trump learned about women – and it wasn’t much – is directly related to the “Playboy Philosophy.”

    • Wolf Tracker

      Small hands and was never self satisfied in his own work.

    • WeaselPoo

      And some Penthouse Forum.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Dear Penthouse Forum,
        I never thought I’d be writing to you, but yesterday in gym a cute aerobics instructor I’ve had had my eye on for a long time brushed against me with her pert breasts and gave my fanny a slight squeeze. And then the murders began.

        • aureolaborealis

          The victims were children, I assume? Knuckle children?

      • Arolpin

        Drumpf is too old for Penthouse, wasn’t available in the US until 1968, at which point his bone spurs were so painful that he couldn’t even masturbate. (I looked it up, sheesh.)

  • little miss high and mighty

    Gotta hit the hay
    Early to bed and late to rise keeps this joker from her early demise.
    Laters, luvs
    lmh&M

    • I have to get up in the morning just to say goodnight to you!

      • little miss high and mighty

        nighty nite, Rank

  • Baconzgood

    “Point on the bear and show us where Donald touched america”

  • TundraGrifter

    “He was born with the gift of laughter and the sense that the world was mad. And that was all of his patrimony.”

    “And then the murders began…” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue after that opening.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • YoBunnyBunny

    Trump spent his freshman and sophomore years of college playing on the squash team and wearing a three-piece suit to class… and then the murders began.

  • arensb

    It’s been this way always, because he’s always been foundationally, virulently untrusting. “There’s a wall Donald has that he never lets people penetrate,” a former associate told me.

    “Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fears,
    I sentence you to be exposed before your peers.
    Tear down the wall!”

  • Elendira

    first book within reach:

    Welcome to the second volume of Index: Xenos. And then the murders began.

    I am just waiting for Evan’s post about Trump using the Hurricane relief efforts to prove that he has the yugest hands and thus the biggest penis of them all. Apparently he has to use Magnum size plastic gloves.

    He is all yours, ladies

    • Arolpin

      Someone (Katy Tur?) needs to ask Drump at a press conference what he thinks about the little messages written on the rim of condoms. When he looks (more than normally) confused, just say, “Oh, I guess you’ve never had to use the entire length of the condom.” and pointedly write something in their notebook.

      Yes, I am petty and childish, why do you ask?

  • ltmcdies

    maybe he likes to get into clown costume and hunt in the sewers for kids in rain slickers

  • Parakeetist

    OT but I has a sad:

    In memory of Cassini.

    https://youtu.be/v–IqqusnNQ

    (Yeah, I know, but he didn’t write a song about Saturn.)

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim and we sat in the Korova milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. And then the murders began.”

  • Stulexington

    One fish.
    Two fish.
    Red fish.
    Blue fish.
    And then the murders began.

    • Shibusa

      In the great green room
      There was a telephone
      And a red balloon
      And then the murders began

      • Querolous

        “‘Where’s Papa going with that axe?’ said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast.” And then the murders began

        Charlotte’s Web, E.B. White

        • Shibusa

          I always thought ‘Charlotte’s Web’ was/is a perfect novel.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω

    Please, Evan, go hug Lula on our behalf. Now I’m totally creeped out.

  • Baconzgood

    Didn’t Martin Sheen play Donald Trump in the Dead Zone?

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    Once there was a tree …. and she loved a little boy. And then the murders began.

    • Canned Covfefe

      I’d say “And then the torture began.”. Evil book.

      • Arolpin

        THANK YOU! I love Shel Silverstein, but that book sucks. When I was a kid it sucked because it’s a stupid story about a greedy, unappreciative little kid. As a parent it’s a cautionary tale about how you give everything to your kids and they cut you down and cut you up and use you like a Tauntaun and it’s supposed to make you content? Shel must have been trying the brown acid when he wrote that.

      • MamaBrown

        My people! I hate that goddamn book.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          I refuse to let my kids near this book.

          • MamaBrown

            You are wise.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bobathonic

    In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And then the murders began.

  • Shibusa

    Mother died today. And then the murders began.

  • Wolf Tracker

    Trump to Melania “I can’t seem to fine the number for Peña Nieto?”

    Melania hands him her phone “Here- I have him on speed dial.”

    And then the murders began!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Press 2 for messican…

  • Rags

    Fortran (previously FORTRAN, derived from Formula Translating System) is a general-purpose, imperative programming language that is especially suited to numeric computation and scientific computing. And then the murders began.

  • Covfefe

    Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. Then the murders began.

  • altleftjohn

    It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

    And then the murders began.

  • HellhathnofuryDemme

    “So here is my first statement when I heard about Charlottesville — and I have a home in Charlottesville, a lot of people don’t know.”
    And then, the murders began.

  • Stulexington

    In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry and was widely regarded as a dumb move. And then, the murders began.

  • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

    Deep breath. Feel the air fill my lungs. This is the right thing to do.

    And then the murders began.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Master Contrail Program

    “It puts the bronzer on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.”

    Memoirs of a first date – Melania Trump

  • yyyaz

    The beer I had for breakfast wasn’t bad, so I had another for dessert. Then the murders began.

    • Notreelyhelping

      *ding ding ding !*

  • Msgr_MΩment

    When they unscrewed the time capsule, preparatory to helping tmponaut Enoch Mirren to disembark, they found him doing a disgusting thing with a disgusting thing. And then the murders began.

    • JCfromNC

      Oh, man, I just read that story not too long ago.

  • jesterpunk

    Who broke disqus this time?

    • Rags

      and then the murders began

    • Bill D. Burger

      Techs are taking a break. Back soon to fix it.

      http://d.asset.soup.io/asset/4354/0605_03fa.jpeg

      • yyyaz

        So wrong it’s ….. still wrong, but…..

        • Bill D. Burger

          I’m sure it’s just water…??????

          • yyyaz

            If I laugh at something, I just know it is wrong. Sorta like Gahan Wilson or Charles Addams.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Have you tried turning it off, then back on again?

  • Michael R
  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.

    And then the murders began.

  • BadKitty904

    Hello, Clarice…”

    • CripesAmighty

      A nice Chianti?

      • eggs ackly-wright

        I’d rather have a nice Barolo.

        • CripesAmighty

          Doesn’t go with f-f-f-fava beans.

  • Master Contrail Program
  • FlownΩver

    “We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. And then the murders began.”

    All too easy.

  • RMKH

    Saint Stephen, with a rose, in and out of the garden he goes. And the the murders began.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      Lady finger, dipped in moonlight,
      Writing “what for?” across the morning sky…

  • Wolf Tracker

    Error 503 Backend fetch failed

    And then the murders began.

  • BadKitty904
  • Master Contrail Program

    “Darn it! Something went wrong! Disqus is working to fix the error.”

    AND THEN, THE MURDERS BEGAN.

  • Serial killer? No, no, no.

    Much too lazy and unorganized.

    More of a shallow, mass grave with a Bulldozer kind of guy.
    https://media1.giphy.com/media/3orifdObhTa7Dbsoc8/giphy.gif

  • TundraGrifter

    “Call me Ismael.

    “And then the murders began.”

    Nope.

    • eggs ackly-wright

      And she said yes, yes…
      the end.

  • BadKitty904
    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      That seemed so long ago…

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Bill D. Burger
    • LucindathePook

      It’s actually one of the more flattering ones.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I only vomited in my mouth a little bit.

    • coozledad

      Now I remember who she reminds me of: That Twilight zone episode where the guy convinces people he can bring back their “beloved dead’ for a fee. Then they all pay him again to keep them in the ground.

      Then they wake from the dead, and a guy’s dead wife says he’s long overdue for an ass beatin’.

      That’s Sarah, right there.

  • CripesAmighty

    Rosebud.
    And then the murders began.

    • yyyaz

      Minimalist!

      • CripesAmighty

        Thx

  • Old town Urbandale

    We called him Old Yeller. And then the murders began.

  • Wolf Tracker

    Your Twitter Account Has Been Banned.

    And then the murders began.

  • OneWhiteWhisker

    “Here’s something light and airy for your Friday morning!”

    …and then the murders began.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    I read the 998th non-comment on Wonkette that ends with “and the murders began”.

    And the murders began.

    • Lord Jim

      Ups for going meta.

      • Cock Blockula

        And without the phor at that.

  • Master Contrail Program
    • AnnieGetYerFun

      Q*BERT FOREVER

  • Bill D. Burger

    Jeeez’! Just like an homage to the new American Horror Story season:

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/hHXj9NqZIMg/maxresdefault.jpg

    …and then the murders began.

  • Fun with Cthulhu

    What’s he building in there?

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      I dunno… but whatever it is, it’ll make him big in Japan!

    • Erala Contratista

      What’s he BUILDING in there?

      • Fun with Cthulhu

        I’ll tell you one thing
        He’s not building a playhouse for
        The children

  • Carpe Vagenda
  • Msgr_MΩment

    In the week before their departure to Arrakis, when all the final scurrying about had reached a nearly unbearable frenzy, an old crone came to visit the mother of the boy, Paul. And then the murders began.

    • Lord Jim

      And how!

  • Bill D. Burger

    January 2017 came and went……and then the murder began.

    ~boom goes the dynamite~

    Too political?

    https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3yO3cVs8UyQ/WTCuW6ETmqI/AAAAAAAAPsg/a_JFv3XuZ1EgNuNtfcVfKcqZoClCJtNBQCLcB/s1600/TrumpPlanetKiller.jpg

  • IdiokraticCulturalMarxist

    Members of an elitist cabal ceremoniously met and recited an ancient incantation. And then the murders began. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cd081ec5d17ff498ac2cd291e7c7dc823c8cbdc2a47d77d1cf1ca09f326ed0bf.jpg

  • Old town Urbandale

    Once upon a bye, there was a mischievous boy named Tom Sawyer, who was always getting into trouble, getting off on danger. And then the murders began.

    • Historicat

      Followed by its sequel:
      YOU don’t know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain’t no matter. And then the murders began.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        See, that one doesn’t really work.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    There was a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb and he almost deserved it.

    And then the murders began.

  • LucindathePook

    Last night I dreamed I went back to Manderley. And then the murders began.

    • jackie jones

      Beat me to it! HAHAAH

  • CaliCheeseSucks
  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    The old man gave me a few dozen crow eggs. Not knowing what to do, I sat on them.

    And the murders began.

    • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

      (btw… where did you leave Joe, Frank and Reynolds?)

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        The clue is in the last note mailed to the newspapers. Can you read Linear A?

        • Occupied Territory of Kavefish

          Dammit… I *knew* I shouldn’t have majored in Cretan hieroglyphs…

  • Meccalopolis

    Jesus died for somebody’s sins but not mine. And then the murders began

  • Catstro

    Well it was Gatlinburg in mid-July and I’d just hit town and my throat was dry, and I thought I’d stop and have myself a brew
    And then the murders began

  • Darlene Underdahl

    I knew a sociopath. He trusted no one. He left piles of change here and there to see if I’d take them. I always added a few pennies; maybe a nickel. And then the murders began. (Fictionalized memoir.)

  • Mavenmaven

    “…he never lets people penetrate,….Trump’s tendency to withdraw…”
    He just grabs ’em.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

    And then the murders began.

  • TundraGrifter

    “And it was no different, either, down in Philadelphia, where he studied real estate at the Wharton School of Finance and Commerce…”

    I know Mr. Trump attended the University of Pennsylvania, but this “Wharton School” thing is much less clear. He always says that because it sounds more prestigious than “UofP” and he leaves the impression he has an MA (he doesn’t).

    Overall, the matter is considerably less clear cut than Mr. Obama’s birth certificate.

  • Old town Urbandale

    “Where’s Papa going with that ax?” And then the murders began.

    (Charlotte’s Web)

  • Flashman

    Call me Ishmael.

    And then the murders began. The “white whale” represents the Trump base.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      To the last, I grapple with thee. From Hell’s heart, I stab at overdone steaks. For hate’s sake, I spit my last tweet at thee.

      • Lord Jim

        Nice!

  • ibwilliamsi

    “The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another his mother called him ‘WILD THING!’ and Max said ‘I’LL EAT YOU UP!’ so he was sent to bed without eating anything.”

    And then the murders began.

    • starfanglednut

      But his supper was still waiting for him when he got home.

      • TakingAmes

        And it was still hot.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    This should certainly help with Middle Americans’ economic anxiety.

    • fuck you for your brilliance.

  • Notreelyhelping

    They say when trouble comes close ranks, and so the white people did.

    And then the murders began.

  • MamaBrown

    It was a bright cold day in April, and all the clocks were striking thirteen.

    And then the murders began.

  • SC

    wonderful!

  • eggs ackly-wright

    The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new.

    And then the murders, etc. and so on.

  • MamaBrown

    Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.

    And then the murders began.

    • rosenbomb

      One of the most beautiful novels I’ve ever read.

      • MamaBrown

        I’ve tried to read it a hundred times but never make it past the first few pages. Its been awhile, maybe I should try again.

        • psychobroad

          Had to look up the quote. I’ve tried and tried it too, also can’t get past the first few pages.

        • Daniel

          “I’ve tried to read it a hundred times”

          I’m assuming you were alone each and every time?

          • MamaBrown

            I see what you did there.

            and then the murders began.

        • rosenbomb

          It can be tough to get into, that’s for sure.

      • starfanglednut

        And certainly one of the most spectacular first sentences.

  • JCfromNC

    Ivan’s door buzzer sounded close to Komarran midnight, just when he was unwinding enough from lingering jump lag, his screwed-up diurnal rhythm, and the day’s labors to consider sleep.

    And then the murders began.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Trump has a dark, dour view of humanity. He considers the world “ruthless,” “brutal” and “cruel.” Through this zero-sum, dog-eat-dog lens, friends aren’t friends—there’s no such thing.

    Great. Rural Americans elected Lord Littlefinger instead of Sansa Stark. No wonder the white walkers are marching in our cities.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Among other public buildings in a certain town, which for many reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning, and to which I will assign no fictitious name, there is one anciently common to most towns, great or small: to wit, a workhouse; and in this workhouse was born; on a day and date which I need not trouble myself to repeat, inasmuch as it can be of no possible consequence to the reader, in this stage of the business at all events; the item of mortality whose name is prefixed to the head of this chapter.

    And then the murders began.

  • jackie jones

    Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. And then the murders began.

  • MamaBrown

    When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me.

    And then the murders began.

  • TootsStansbury

    Where’s Papa going with that ax? And then the murders began.

  • exinkwretch

    When you go to a school chock full of preppie assholes and even *they* think you’re a raging prick — you reached a whole new level of douche-dom.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      During the election, there were all kinds of people being interviewed about how they all knew Trump personally and he was the best guy ever and they loved him then and loved him now.

      • grindstone

        There were also a bunch of classmates that you could tell were hedging their comments. Things like a detention they renamed a “DT” for Donnie Trump, and then he got a few promotions in that military school and seemed to become a raging power-asshole.

        • AnnieGetYerFun

          I wish NPR had had them on. All I heard were the suck-ups.

          • Rags

            The story of NPR during the campaign.

  • Everrett Fanuelli
  • Red Bird

    I’m not a psychiatrist but he sounds like the child of an alcoholic. I’ve read that they have a need for control. That would explain the lack of close friendships. Then add the problems his older brother had with alcohol and you get a person who is so focused on not failing they end up being very cynical.

  • Werewolf

    “When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton. And then the murders began.”

  • MamaBrown

    “Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,” grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.

    And then the murders began.

    wow, this is fun! I could do it all day!

    • JCfromNC

      I know, right?

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    To the red country and part of the gray country of Oklahoma, the last rains came gently, and they did not cut the scarred earth. And then the murders began.

  • JCfromNC

    The large and completely unused set of surgical instruments that my father kept in his consulting-room held for the old gentleman the melancholy fascination of a hopefully gathered layette to an aging childless wife.

    And then the murders began.

    (Doctor in the House, Richard Jordan, 1952)

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Yeah, he’d have friends if he was capable of understanding nuance or taking criticism. But he can’t, so he can only have hangers-on.

    • Lord Jim

      If he could actually grasp that other people are actually people with their own thoughts and feelings and rights to dignity and respect…

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        It’s funny, though – I’ve thought of him as a sociopath for years, but most of the actual sociopaths that I know aren’t socially isolated. They carefully pick and choose the people they need to use/abuse. Then they discard them and move on.

        Trump probably doesn’t socialize much because he is too stupid to truly engage in conversation with more than one person, and unable to keep track of the conversations going on around him.

        Additionally, he might be slightly deaf – I am hard-of-hearing and I HATE hanging out in groups.

        • Lord Jim

          Robert Hare, one of the foremost authorities on psychopathy has been trying to get people to see for years that there is a difference b/n the sociopath and the psychopath. The sociopath, by the nature of the disorder, can’t get along with otheres. The psychopath can put on what Hervey Cleckley has called “the mask of sanity” – they can be superficially charming and attractive.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            Interesting. I thought it was that the sociopath was kind of a step below the psychopath. Still a feelings-free asshole on this inside, but maybe less prone to murder.

          • Lord Jim

            Relatively few psychopaths are homicidal, but, according to some estimates, one in four people could be psychopaths.

        • starfanglednut

          I think also that beneath the blustery exterior lurks a devastating vulnerability. It’s probably painful for him to be around people, as at any moment their adoration/fear/sucking up could cease and he’d be forced to confront the void within.

          • AnnieGetYerFun

            I agree completely

  • Red Bird

    The Internet. Global markets. Time compression. Competitiveness.
    And then the murders began.

  • kareemachan

    Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the
    bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the
    book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in
    it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice, “without pictures
    or conversations?”

    And then the murders began.

    • irishdave3

      and then he rested.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse had signed a lease on a five-room apartment in a geometric white house on First Avenue when they received word, from a woman named Mrs Cortez, that a four-room apartment in the Bramford had become available, just before the murders began.

  • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

    In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

    And then the murders began.

    • JCfromNC

      That’s… almost exactly how it goes, when you think about it.

  • JCfromNC

    Heaven knows, I never meant for any of this to happen. But then the murders began.

  • SpideySenser

    “We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.” And then the murders began. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b0827ffd6e8bf524ed2c9a3d51ebc812353f410051f22fdfc9c33265700e3083.jpg

    • Lord Jim

      That works a bit TOO well.

      • SpideySenser

        ;-)

        • puredog

          That was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim, Dim being really dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard though dry. And then the murders began.

          • TakingAmes

            Also perhaps a bit too on the nose.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “I say, Jeeves,” said Bertie Wooster, “Aunt Agatha is on the very cusp of making one of her bimensual onslaughts upon my sangfroid. Have you any notions in the old bean as to counter-measures?”

    “Indeed I have, sir.”

    And the then the jolly old murders began.

    • aureolaborealis

      The various J&W books, narrated by Jonathan Cecil,* are my go-to bedtime listens on Audible.

      * Cecil is now the voice of Jeeves and Wooster for me. It was Laurie and Fry for a long time.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Right-oh.

  • dshwa

    So clearly an antisocial personality disorder.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I suggest that a Nobel Prize is in order for the phrase “previously pastoral New Jersey.”

  • Treehopper1104

    On an evening in the latter part of May a middle-aged man was walking homeward from Shaston to the village of Marlott, in the adjoining Vale of Blakemore, or Blackmoor. And then the murders began.

  • Royal Ugly Globalist Dude

    The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play. So we sat in the house. All that cold, wet day.

    And then the murders began.

  • Skaarphy

    “You know that popular internet joke about how you can take the first line of literally any novel, and then add, “and then the murders began” and it ALWAYS WORKS?”

    I’ve never heard of that joke, but NO! I never was in a disagreement with an official Wonkette writerperson as much as I am here right now. No, no, no, no, NO!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      “It was a dark and stormy night.” And then the murders began.
      Works for me.

      • Skaarphy

        Hrmph.

        edit: Just to clarify:

        “I had a farm in Africa, and then the murders began.” No.
        “Call me Ishmael, and then the murders began.” No.
        “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, and then the murders began.” No.

        And so on. :-(

        • TundraGrifter

          Jinx!

        • kareemachan

          Pfft.

    • Rags

      “You know that popular internet joke about how you can take the first line of literally any novel, and then add, “and then the murders began” and it ALWAYS WORKS?” And then the murders began

      • MamaBrown

        I am dead. You have killed me. I emitted some unattractive snorting sounds first.

        • Rags

          And so the murders begin.

      • Skaarphy

        No, I do not accept that.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Hey, lookit,” said the Huckabee boy. “There’s a stray dog.”

    And then the murders began.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance

    A solo room? They actually call it that? The one with the bunk in it?

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      I think it’s a “bunk,” where one goes to do naughty one-person unmentionables, and it’s a “solo room” if it’s got a drain in the center and a drying rack for the skins of your victims.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
    Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
    As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
    “’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
    Only this and nothing more.” And then the murders began.

  • natoslug

    In the beginning Dog created the heavens and the earth. And then the murders began.

    • starfanglednut

      Pretty much.

  • weighmaster

    On the 24th Of February, 1815, the Marseilles port lookouts signalled that the three-master Pharaoh was coming up the harbor.
    And then the murders began.

    • TundraGrifter

      Not only that, he was a famous chef! I love his sandwiches!

  • natoslug

    If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it . . . and then the murders began.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. And then the murders began.

  • marxalot

    Gacy had a better social life than this guy.

    • Tom Piper

      But they were both clowns.

    • TakingAmes

      And then the murders began.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The itsy-bitsy spider
    Climbed up the water spout
    Down came the rain
    And washed the spider out
    Out came the sun
    And dried up all the rain
    And then the murders began.

  • IdiotsforPalin

    I am Sam
    I am Sam
    Sam I amThat Sam-I-am!
    Than Sam-I-am!
    I do not like
    that Sam-I-am!Do you like
    green eggs and ham?I do not like them,
    Sam-I-am.
    I do not like
    green eggs and ham.
    And then the murders began.

    • Erala Contratista

      Really great in Spanish!

      • TakingAmes

        I love Dr. Seuss in Spanish!

        • Sneezy

          So did my son as a small child. In particular, “Wocket in My Pocket”makes even less sense when the words don’t even rhyme! But One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish was his favorite en Espanol.

  • An Outhouse for the résistance
    • Lord Jim

      What they fail to mention is that economic facts are not currently the biggest driver of American politics – racism is.

      • An Outhouse for the résistance

        Its Bobo. What did you expect?

        • Lord Jim

          Silly me.

  • Lord Jim

    “It was the best of times,

    it was the worst of times,
    it was the age of wisdom,
    it was the age of foolishness,
    it was the epoch of belief,
    it was the epoch of incredulity,
    it was the season of Light,
    it was the season of Darkness,
    it was the spring of hope,
    it was the winter of despair,
    we had everything before us,
    we had nothing before us,
    we were all going direct to Heaven,
    we were all going direct the other way–
    in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of
    its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for
    evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”

    And then the murders began.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    ‘This must be Thursday,’ said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. ‘I never could get the hang of Thursdays.’

    And then the murders began.

    • Daniel

      That’s actually what happens as well.

  • Quercus

    It was love at first sight…and then the murders began.

    Catch 22 Joseph Heller

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

    And then the murders began.

    (OK, technically not until generation 2)

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Say… you know who ELSE—

    Wait, am I playing this game right?

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Quick note: This AND THEN THE MURDERS BEGAN thing doesn’t work for the Qur’an.

  • Rags

    There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Ilúvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made. And then I got bored.

  • Panika MCD

    going to do a few more of these and then submit to litmags:

    Marley was dead, to begin with. And then the murders began.

    From the years 1894 to 1901 inclusive, Mr. Sherlock Holmes was a very busy man. And then the murders began.

    You don’t know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain’t no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain; and he told the truth mainly. And then the murders began.

    The Mole had been working very hard all the morning: spring-cleaning his little home. And then the murders began.

    This is George. He lived in Africa. And then the murders began.

    “Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,” grumbled Jo, lying on the rug. And then the murders began.

    Once there were four children whose names were Peter, Susan, Edmond, and Lucy. And then the murders began.

    • VirginiaWackelpudding

      NO NOT MOLE!!
      It was Squirrel Nutkin you monster!!111!1

      • Panika MCD

        by the lakeside, with the canned clams.

        • SpideySenser

          MONSTER!

  • The Rad Hatter

    Soooo when Rebecca Solnit wrote about this in May … ? http://lithub.com/rebecca-solnit-the-loneliness-of-donald-trump/

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      That was an amazing piece of writing. I just saw it earlier this month; didn’t realize it was from May. Solnit is incredible.

    • Debbie the Unpaid Protester

      Whoa.

    • Tom Piper

      I just read it. Thanks for the link.

      As someone who has built a business from small to large it’s good to know while I may have tyrant power in my business I don’t abuse it because I follow the principles she’s laid out.

    • Zyxomma

      Beautiful. Thanks for posting.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Call me Ishmael, and then the murders began.”

    Hmmm. Not seeing it.

    • Lily412

      Doesn’t work with Arthur Golden’s novel Memoirs of a Geisha either.

      ETA: we’re both nerds!

  • Kooolest G

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0cb8428d2ab70d6d8320f403e2a8d6c81c1c64cc38dc76a3fca885c94d14990e.jpg

    and then the murders began

    (ok not the first line, but it’s from lynne cheney’s lesbian western romance novel “Sisters”)

    • H0mer0

      shoulda guessed–it was poorly written, didn’t even make my nipples hard

  • I left the toilet seat down, again, and that’s when the murders began

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Disturbed? Yes. Surprised? Not one little teensy, weensy bit.

  • MamaBrown

    Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderly again.

    and then the murders began.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Beat me to it by a mile.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I tried this with the memoir I wrote about selling the house, and it totally worked:

    My husband lived in the house for six weeks after he announced he was leaving. AND THEN THE MURDERS BEGAN.

    I am roflmao

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Before the end of the week, Fudge asked the big question. “How did the baby get inside you, Mommy? And then the murders began.

    -Superfudge

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Are you there, God? It’s me Margaret. And then the murders began.

  • VirginiaWackelpudding

    I wandered lonely as a cloud. And then the murders began.

  • CripesAmighty

    I want you to bring….A SHRUBBERY!
    And then the murders began.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      Ni! Ni!

      • CripesAmighty

        Aaauuggghh stop saying that word!!!

  • quantum mechanic

    It was a dark and stormy night. And then the murders began.

  • aureolaborealis

    His terrible official portraits always remind me of Steichen’s portrait of JP Morgan, except that Two-Scoops is the only person in the world who thinks that creepy look is awesome … or maybe he can’t tell it’s creepy.

    https://losthunderlads.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/jp_morgan.jpg

    • puredog

      Imma go with “can’t tell.”

    • H0mer0

      needz moar rhinophyma.

  • JD Mulvey

    He wasn’t totally isolated. Candice Bergen had a date with him when they were both at Penn.

    She says he was “a douche.”

    http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/la-et-entertainment-news-updates-candice-bergen-and-donald-trump-a-1505407208-htmlstory.html

    • Poly_Ester

      So its Candice’s fault for damaging this snow flake.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice. And then the murders began.

    • Zyxomma

      Brava.

  • aureolaborealis

    Traditionally, power was what was seen, what was shown, and what was manifested…Disciplinary power, on the other hand, is exercised through its invisibility; at the same time it imposes on those whom it subjects a principle of compulsory visibility. In discipline, it is the subjects who have to be seen. Their visibility assures the hold of the power that is exercised over them. It is this fact of being constantly seen, of being able always to be seen, that maintains the disciplined individual in his subjection. And the examination is the technique by which power, instead of emitting the signs of its potency, instead of imposing its mark on its subjects, holds them in a mechanism of objectification. In this space of domination, disciplinary power manifests its potency, essentially by arranging objects. The examination is, as it were, the ceremony of this objectification.

    And then the murders began …

  • arensb

    In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And then the murders began.

    • Zyxomma

      Giggled. First lol of the day.

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      This one is not far off the mark!

  • aureolaborealis

    Call me Ishmael.

    And then the murders began.

    • TundraGrifter

      Jinx. From me.

      Jinx. From the others who also posted this.

    • They investigated, but they didn’t have dick.

  • Poly_Ester

    Could it be that the people the Clintons’ were accused on assassinating were actually murdered by Trump? Inquiring minds want to know!

    • TakingAmes

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • puredog

    A lone a last a loved a long the riverrun, past Eve
    and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a
    commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs. And then the murders began.

  • Internet Hitler

    And maybe it was that quality that made it difficult to get close to Trump. “I don’t think he had a handful of loyalists, you know?” Levine, his former roommate, said. “Because he was so competitive that everybody who could come close to him he had to destroy.”

    http://www.nowaytrump.com/?p=107

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Teenage boy wants alone time in his room? OBVIOUS PSYCHO

  • Zyxomma

    I’ve been disturbed by this antisocial creep since 1980, when he destroyed Bonwit Teller’s goddesses. I met him in either 1981 or 1982 while working at a tiny, politically connected (Democrats and Liberal Party) law firm on Park Avenue. We were all told in advance he’d be visiting our office. The scowling, dour face was unexpected. I did not offer my hand to shake; I knew already that he hated handshakes.

    I saw Rachel Maddow’s interview with Hillary today; I’m really upset that I can’t wake up in the alternative universe where Hillary’s our president, even if that were to mean that the Republicants are searching for an excuse to impeach her.

    • Rags

      I was not anywhere near NY, but I subscribed to Spy, and took special delight in the pastings they administered to the short fingered vulgarian in every issue, starting with Number 1

      • TundraGrifter

        One of their best pranks was sending small (under a dollar) checks to various celebrities to see who would bother to cash them. I believe they did it three or four times, lowering the amount and sending them only to those who’d taken the time to deposit the last ones. I believe Mr. Trump made the final round, cashing a check for thirteen cents.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        And as Graydon Carton later revealed, the Hateful Moron had been pathetically sending him, over and over, pictures of himself and his hands, on which he’d written “THEY AREN’T THAT SMALL!” and Graydon would patiently send them back with his note, “Still small.”

      • Pirate Jenny

        I loved Spy; not sure how I got my hands on it in my teens, but I assume my dad brought them home. I remember the short-fingered vulgarian bits well–and now, here we are :(

    • what was the bonwit teller thing?

      (i’ve always thought he was repulsive)

      • Zyxomma

        There are many, many accounts of his immigrant (Polish, non-English speaking) demolition crew coming in at midnight with the wrecking ball. This one has illustrations: https://simanaitissays.com/2017/02/23/art-deco-the-met-the-polish-brigade-trump-tower-and-truth/

        The goddesses above the door were iconic, and Metropolitan Museum of Art wanted them. Trump (as usual) lied about their worth, having had them destroyed under cover of darkness. Before it was Bonwit Teller, it was the Stewart department store. The building was effin’ incredible. Much of the original, stunning interior was obliterated when it became BT, but the exterior of the building was truly amazing. Even Trump’s architect was appalled.

      • miss_grundy

        He destroyed friezes of goddesses that adorned the exterior of Bonwit Teller, a department store in Manhattan. He had promised not to let the construction crew destroy them so the Met could take them down. But since it was holding up the schedule for his precious tower he had the construction crew destroy them. I guess they didn’t teach art appreciation in Jamaica Estates.

  • whitroth

    Hmmm, so does this suggest that all the people that supposedly were killed by the Derp State, and/or Putin’s agents, were actually killed by… the Donniebrook?

    Where was he on the night of….

  • therblig

    “I Stooged to Conquer: The Autobiography of the Leader of the Three Stooges” by Moe Howard

    “There was little to recall about baby Moses Harry Horwitz. And then the moidas began”

  • TakingAmes

    In later years, holding forth to an interviewer or to an audience of aging fans at a comic book convention, Sam Clay liked to declare, apropos of his and Joe Kavalier’s greatest creation, that back when he was a boy, sealed and hog-tied inside the airtight vessel known as Brooklyn, New York, he had been haunted by dreams of Harry Houdini. And then the murders began.

  • Ducksworthy

    More reason to admire Putin. Putin can have his enemies assassinated across the street from his office and Donnie can’t even shoot somebody on 5th. Avenue.

  • TundraGrifter

    “The sun was beginning to fall from the sky into the white Nevada desert as Reno came up beneath me.” By now, you know the rest.

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

    Gee, the poor guy. He’s LONELY. And only because he’s spent his life as a hate-filled, vengeful,swindling ignoramus who takes pleasure in other people’s pain and misfortune, and causes it to bring him even more pleasure.

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

    It was the best of murders beginning, it was the worst of murders beginning.

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

    “As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous vermin. And then the murders began. Also the Trump administration.”

  • Long time no see people

    Trump always struck me as being lonely in the same way all other school bullies are lonely and misunderstood, Officer Krupke

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    “Trump has a dark, dour view of humanity. He considers the world “ruthless,” “brutal” and “cruel.” Through this zero-sum, dog-eat-dog lens, friends aren’t friends—there’s no such thing.”

    Sure, I can understand that. You grow up on the mean streets of Jamaica Estates in a mansion, and you only see the underbelly of America. The squash team brawls frequently turned quite rowdy, and the household help could be uppity like you would not believe, and don’t even get me started on the salespeople at Bergdorf Goodman.

    • Have you seen pictures of his mother? Have you heard about his old man? Of course, he thinks the world is ruthless, brutal, and cruel. There was no love in that family. There’s no love in him. There’s no love in any of them.

      • LadyLaz

        Yeah his dad was supposed to be a piece of work. I don’t see how his sister made it in the 3rdCircuit

        • Repressed and still roped into illegal shit by the Ol’ Pussy Grabber

  • aureolaborealis

    You don’t know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain’t no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. And then the murders began.

  • aureolaborealis

    Also: There’s a guy who doesn’t care how evil he looks, as long as his quintuple chins are hidden by the lighting.

  • katahdin

    It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife
    And then the murders began.
    Totally works.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    My father’s family name being Pirrip, and my christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names
    nothing longer or more explicit than Pip. So, I called myself Pip, and came to be called Pip

    And then the murders began.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I worked for a guy who was a tenth of that Trump is. Narcissist, bully, the works. It wasn’t fun. I can’t imagine what it’s like for the rank and file in the White House. Those are always the ones who bear the brunt of the abuse.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Мой дядя самых честных правил.
    Когда не в шутку занемог
    Он уважать себя заставил
    И лучше выдумать не мог.

    И тут началось убийство.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Longtemps, je me suis couché de bonne heure.

    Et alors le meurtres commençaient.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Die Sonne tönt nach alter Weise
    In Brudersphären Wettgesang,
    Und ihre vorgeschriebne Reise
    Vollendet sie mit Donnergang.

    Und dann begannen die Morde.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita,
    mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,
    ché la diritta via era smarrita.

    E poi cominciarono gli omicidi.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    En un lugar de la Mancha, de cuyo nombre no quiero acordarme, no ha mucho tiempo que vivía un hidalgo de los de lanza en astillero, adarga antigua, rocín flaco y galgo corredor.

    Y entonces comenzaron los asesinatos.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Obviously, I am just showing-off now.

    My German and Spanish are wobbly at best and my Russian is nonexistent.

    And then the murders began in multiple languages.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person
    • phoenix00

      Henry Jones after marrying a Van De Graff Generator.

    • LadyLaz

      That’s a funny man. I had such the crush on him.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    His name was Gaal Dornick and he was just a country boy who had never seen Trantor before.
    And then the murders began…

  • kareemachan

    Twas brillig and the slithy toves
    Did gyre and gimble in the wave
    All mimsy were the borogroves
    And the mome raths outgrabe.

    AND THEN THE MURDERS BEGAN!

  • Brian Fowler

    In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. And then the murders began…

  • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

    Mrs. Rachel Lynde lived just where the Avonlea main road dipped down into a little hollow, fringed with alders and ladies’ eardrops and traversed by a brook that had its source away back in the woods of the old Cuthbert place; it was reputed to be an intricate, headlong brook in its earlier course through those woods, with dark secrets of pool and cascade; but by the time it reached Lynde’s Hollow it was a quiet, well-conducted little stream, for not even a brook could run past Mrs. Rachel Lynde’s door without due regard for decency and decorum; it probably was conscious that Mrs. Rachel was sitting at her window, keeping a sharp eye on everything that passed, from brooks and children up, and that if she noticed anything odd or out of place she would never rest until she had ferreted out the whys and wherefores thereof. And then the murders began.

    • Anita Ledford

      I Love that someone besides me knows those books!

      • ahughes798

        I have the set and I always watch the series when they re-play it on PBS.

    • LadyLaz

      Who is the author?

      • Anita Ledford

        Lucy Maud Montgomery wrote “Anne of Green Gables”.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Lucy Maud Montgomery, “Anne Of Green Gables”.

  • John Strycharz

    It was first reported in January that Trudeau had taken his family and a few friends — including new veterans affairs minister Seamus O’Regan — to visit the Aga Khan on the billionaire spiritual leader’s private island in the Bahamas.

    Prime Minister Justin Trudeau brushed off questions from reporters in St. John’s, Nfld. Wednesday after reports emerged the security bill for this luxury pleasure trip was $215,000, not the $121,000 reported to Parliament.

    The ethics commissioner still hasn’t concluded an investigation into whether Trudeau broke rules by using his host’s private helicopter to get there. Repeating what he said in the House of Commons as he received a barrage of questions about the investigation this spring, Trudeau told reporters, “I have always and will always fully co-operate with the ethics commissioner.”

    And then the murders began.

    • Alternative Dog

      $215,000 for a luxury family vacation for a head of state? That’s pocket change! In this March WaPo article they mention each of Trump’s weekend golf outings to Mar-a-Lago costing around $3 million:

      According to an analysis from Politico, that’s a trip that costs about $3 million each time — and it’s a trip that he’s made four times this year.

      And he did that four times before the end of the first quarter!

  • phoenix00

    Features, not bugs.

  • irishdave3

    I tried to read it a hundred times…and then the murders began.

  • irishdave3

    And then The Al invented the internet and…the murders began….

    • Ray Summerlin

      I am Sam.
      Sam I am.
      And then the murders began

  • guppy06

    Call me Ishmael. And then the murders began.

    (Well, by the whale.)

    • H0mer0

      I had a dream I was swimming to the shore and a baby orca was swimming nearby….ATTMB*

      *not really, I didn’t want to be too OT

  • Anita Ledford

    I am choking from laughter at the comments. And then the murders began…

  • LurkinLongmont

    Yeah, it’s all yucks, Evan, until one stops and thinks it’s US getting murdered……

  • CordeliaJWhalen

    Get paid weekly by Google (Make $99/hr with Google) and live a financially strong life…
    last tuesday I got a great new range Land Rover Range Rover from bringing in $12073 this last five weeks . it’s certainly my favourite work I have ever done . I started this 7-months ago and straight away startad bringin in more than $75… per-hr . try this web-site
    !si291d:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleEarnStuffBESTCareerJOBS/make/more ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!sp311l..,……

  • chimpevil

    “He had friends once, but they mysteriously disappeared.”

  • H0mer0

    A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita; Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
    And then the moiduz began.

    • John Thorstensen

      Oppenheimer was an odd one, but he did come up with the perfect quote for the occasion.

      • LadyLaz

        Well I think his oddness was why Oppenheimer came up with the perfect quote

  • ziggywiggy

    “As a teenager at New York Military Academy, in upstate Cornwall-on-Hudson, he often disappeared into his solo room in the barracks after dinner.” For most teenagers that would mean he was jerkin the gherkin. Ugh, I just grossed myself out.

  • ExecutorElassus

    “We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. And then the murders began.”

    • “When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton. And then the murders began.”

    • Nick.Trite

      “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And then the murders began.”
      Wait…. shit, that one’s accurate.

  • ahughes798

    It was a dark and stormy night. And then the murders began.

  • Brian Fowler

    If anyone’s a serial killer here, it’s Roger Stone. I tried copying the picture of Roger Stone (and all his Nixon buddies) from that political article but this commenting system wouldn’t let me.

    (sigh)… so then the murders began…

  • Regret

    The Martian doesn’t really work:
    “I’m pretty much fucked. And then the murders began.”

    Walden Two works:
    “He turned up one day in the doorway of my office. And then the murders began.”

    Animal Farm works very well:
    “Mr. Jones, of the Manor Farm, had locked the hen-houses for the night, but was too drunk to remember to shut the pop-holes. And then the murders began.”

    Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency works so well, it has to be on purpose:

    “This time there would be no witnesses. And then the murders began.”

    The Stars Are Legion gets less disturbing with that addition:
    “I remember throwing away a child. And then the murders began.”

  • Petunia Cat

    This story, not Evans jolly fun thing 😂, is of a piece with the “First Independent President” crap. The journos are trying desperately to find some way of thinking about Trump that isn’t what is obvious, terrifying truth. He’s a criminal, he’s erratic and bizarre, he sold himself out to the Russians. And is now preventing the government from doing things to stop the next Russian election interference. I think the reporters are all just shit-scared and in a fact babbling.

    PS if you talk to people who were just passing acquaintances of somebody 50 years ago you can get these kind of quotes about anybody. 🙄 Also a guy who rapes his wife to punish her because a doctor she recommended did a bad antibaldness scalp treatment turns out to not have a lot of friends, big surprise.

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