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Four months ago, a woman made the poor life decision of dating 34-year-old musician Luke Howard. And who can blame her! He’s all British and foppy and puppy dog eyed and what-have-you. It probably seemed like a great idea at the time. I totally get it. Hell, I once dated a drummer who lived in an ice cream truck. We all have our Luke Howards.

As these things go, the woman broke up with her Luke Howard. But, rather than crying in a bar while serenading her with the Smoking Popes “I Need You Around” as she tried to explain to him that she just can’t really date someone who, when she is upset about having lost her keys, introduces her to people by saying “This is Robyn. Usually she’s funny,” he has decided to bring a giant piano into a park and play that piano until she agrees to take him back. Which, godwilling, will not happen.

THIS MAN IS FORREST GUMPING A PIANO TO PROTEST A WOMAN DUMPING HIM. I can’t.

Luke Howard began playing his piano on College Green on Saturday morning, and said it was his ‘last throw of the dice’ to win back the heart of the girl who changed his life.

The 34-year-old from Bath said he didn’t know what the woman, who he wouldn’t name but referred to as his ‘Rapunzel’, would do when she saw he was doing the piano stunt, but he just wanted to ‘let her know just how much I love her’.

The pair recently split up after a four-month relationship, and the break-up has left him devastated.

Ugh. OK, hot dating tip for dudes — grand “gonna get my girlfriend back!” gestures that seem super romantic in movies are actually horrifying in person. Literally anything John Cusack has ever done in any movie will get you a well-deserved restraining order.

He continues:

“I don’t know what will happen. She’s a very organised person, very practical and I’m just trying to show her I’m really serious about us. It’s a kind of off-the-cuff thing, and I just want her to know how much I love her, to give us a chance rather than leave it there. I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet.”

Oh, for sure. The best way to get a woman back who probably dumped you because you’re an emotionally manipulative dickweasel who doesn’t have his shit together is by sitting in a park and playing the piano until she agrees to take you back. Yes, this is certainly a plan that cannot fail.

By the way, this is all going on during what is supposed to be Bristol’s biggest-ever protest, with more than 30 groups gathering to protest recent austerity cuts to a number of services, “including schools, libraries and community health services.” Luke Howard says he didn’t know about the protest, but hopes that the publicity from it will draw attention to his own, far more important cause of making his ex-girlfriend love him again.

Naturally, Luke Howard is turning this into a promotional campaign for himself and his piano playing, and has set up a big sign promoting Facebook and Instagram pages for his stunt. Those pages do not yet exist, of course, because Luke Howard is too busy being whimsical to get around to that.

Oh god, this girl needs to run. Let us all simply hope she does not have a pet rabbit.

Anyway, this is now your open thread! Recess!

[Bristol Post]

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  • memzilla Ω

    Finally, a worse love story than Twilight.

    • ArgieBargie

      Twatlight

    • shivaskeeper

      No. Twilight is still a worse love story.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Worse than “Love Story?” (Sorry if that causes retching among the oldz.)

        • shivaskeeper

          Worse than Love Story if you can believe it.

          • Marion in Savannah

            UNPOSSIBLE!

          • shivaskeeper

            I would tell you to watch it and compare/contrast, bit I like you and would not subject you to that.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    I’m surprised he didn’t promote Paypal.

    • Bad Tom

      PayPal has standards!
      Money grubbing greedy bastard standards, but standards nonetheless.

  • “I’m playing for love. BE SURE TO LIKE MY SOCIAL MEDIA FEEDS AND BUY MY MERCH!”

    • CripesAmighty

      Hey, if its just a shtick, and people are into that sort of schmaltz, more power to him.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      What he’s actually doing is using this as a ploy to snare another girl, any girl. A stupid girl.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    When I was younger and had different standards (like, literally, my standards were “is he bang-able?”), I dated a guy that worked one of those rolling fried-dough carts in Boston Common. That was about all we had in common, though. If one can get past the fried dough smell, it’s not a bad way to spend a few hours.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Let’s hope he doesn’t own a claw-hammer.

  • The Wanderer

    Dafuq?

  • OrG

    Pro-tip dude: off-the cuff gestures are NOT effective at showing how serious you are.

  • mrFawkes

    Uncool Hand Luke

  • Also, girl, if he’s referring to you as “Rapunzel”, you definitely deserve better.

  • WeaselPoo

    Take away the piano its just whining. With the piano its whingeing.

    • Daniel

      Say it loud, there’s music playing,
      Say it soft- it’s a prannock braying.

      • WeaselPoo

        Prannock? Scottish expression?

        • Daniel

          Northern English.

      • Marion in Savannah

        And someone else sends me scurrying to Google!

        • FlownΩver

          Useful around the Wonket world. We’ve run out of synonyms way, way sooner after 1/20 than anyone could haver anticipated.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Next time, dude: Tuba.
    You can actually continue to play as you run from the vicious crowds who don’t believe in undying “true” “love”.

  • proudgrampa

    He seems…?

    • The Librarian

      Crazy.

      • Blackest Noobs

        on the nose.

    • OrG

      Pathetic.

    • shivaskeeper

      Cray-cray, needy, emotionally stunted, brainwashed by RomComs, fill in the blank.

      Take your pick.

      • Marion in Savannah

        AOTA, K

      • therblig

        But for now
        let me say
        Without hope or agenda
        Just because it’s hurricane season
        And at hurricane season you tell the truth –
        To Me
        He is a perfect idiot

        • Marion in Savannah

          And so few things in life are perfect.

    • Paul

      Like a fucking mess.

      Like a whiny ass titty baby

      Like a hoofwanking bunglecunt

      Like he could be Ted Bundy’s younger brother

    • bbayliss

      Whacky, whimsical, devil may care, fanciful, a head injury away from serial killer?

      • proudgrampa

        So… “Nice” ain’t the word?

  • Invisible Bunyip

    So she’s “practical and serious”, and he hopes to impress her by dragging a grand piano outdoors?

    I see why you left him.

    • willi0000000

      it doesn’t look all that grand.

      • Invisible Bunyip

        The text said grand. The picture says otherwise.

  • Daniel

    Of fucking course he’s from Bath.

    • Marion in Savannah

      He looks like he could use one.

      • Daniel

        Bath is filled with mediocre middle class types who fancy themselves great artists, and because they’re surrounded by other such mediocrities they get that view reinforced constantly.

        • Marion in Savannah

          But some great architecture, as I recall. I was there on a trip through England about 45 years ago.

          • Daniel

            Also some cool crazy types as well- there’s a few churches in the city that do not look like churches should. This is because the architect of them was a little weird, and believed he was building numerous replicas of Solomon’s temple to hasten the second coming.

          • Marion in Savannah

            So you’ve got that variety of cray-cray too? Maybe it’s the language?

    • HellhathnofuryDemme

      One of my favorite places in England.

      • Suse

        Me, too. Lovely city.

    • natoslug

      From the Salts region, no less.

  • Marion in Savannah

    You mean he’s not a USA crazy? How did that happen?

    • Paul

      PLENTY of that to go around. See “Brexit”.

  • Jennifer R
  • Blackest Noobs

    still he’s no Lloyd Dobler.

    • Marion in Savannah

      And another movie character I had never heard of. Lord, but I’m A Old…

      • Blackest Noobs

        you haven’t heard of…..hey it was movie from the fucking 80’s…and a John Cusack movie to boot!!!!

        shame on you…SHAME!!!

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFV7FnbhBRY

        and before Cameron Crowe got too sappy…it’s sappy but not future Cameron Crowe sappy

        • Marion in Savannah

          heh… In the 80s I had pretty much all I could do to stay alive. Not many extra Ameros for teh moovees.

          • Blackest Noobs

            but but movies were less than 5 bucks back then…you must have had hard times…sorry.

          • Marion in Savannah

            Living alone in NYC then, so just about everything was a scrounge. One thing I’ve never skimped on is good food, though.

          • The Librarian

            Priorities!

          • Marion in Savannah

            You betcha!

        • Suse

          My mom really liked this movie and she was in her 70s when she saw it. I’ve never seen it.

    • proudgrampa

      Oh, you’d say anything…

  • Jo Mathie

    Aaannnd a load of idiots will be calling the poor woman a callous bitch for not taking this attention hungry, manipulative idiot back. Do the world a favor Luke – do a Shia LaBoef . Sit sadly in a corner with a paper bag over your head instead.

    • shivaskeeper

      Well of course she is.

      I mean here is this guy, playing a piano in a park to promote himself instead of acting like an adult and either talking this out (I will assume this had been tried and failed already) or moving on and doing the next best thing and joining an MRA message board to talk about how bitches are bitches, but some bitches are real bitches.

      How can she not be seen as callous in this situation?

      • alpacapunchbowl

        They were together for a whole 4 months, after all.

        • shivaskeeper

          I know. This just compounds her perfidy.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            The Jezebel! (The biblical Jezebel, not those-who-shall-not-be-named)

      • willi0000000

        there’s a guy named Poe on line three . . . he wants his schtick back.

  • The Librarian

    If I was this guy’s ex love interest, I’d already be filing a restraining order. Also, be cringing in horror.

    • Blackest Noobs

      i would be buying a bean-bag gun…won’t kill ’em but hurt like a sonofabitch.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Hmmm… How far do those fire? Too long to send the cats chasing bean bags? (joking, just joking…)

        • Blackest Noobs

          When fired, the bag is expelled at around 70 to 90 metres per second.

          it’s a shotgun round but with a bean bag instead of pellets.

          but there are ones that shoot bean bag bean bags like you would toss in a game of cornhole

          • Blackest Noobs
          • Marion in Savannah

            Oh, I know what they are. Hence the disclaimer. Maybe I’d better stick with one of those ping-pong ball guns for the kittehs.

          • h4rr4r

            Nerf gun. Get some cheap after market darts. For round get the rival ones, those shoot foam balls.

  • Hither and Yawn

    Does he take requests? I’m down for “Choppin’ Broccoli.”

  • Erala Contratista

    We are really in Opposite World!

    Is it something in the water or some kind of incompetence vortex?

    And it’s world wide!

    • willi0000000

      of course it’s world-wide . . . otherwise it’d be Opposite Corner of 6258th & Vine.

  • Blackest Noobs

    i can see this coming from a guy between the ages of 14 and 26 ( though 26 is really pushing it fella) but 34 years old….jesus on a fucking stick, someone smack the shit out of this guy please.

    grow the fuck up you fucking weenie.

    • JCfromNC

      My favorite line from the tweetstorm I linked earlier: “Feel your feels, cry it out, eat a pizza, then build a fucking bridge and GET OVER IT.”

  • HellhathnofuryDemme

    The other, very loud, music in the back ground does not seem to bother him. (Even though he seems to be noticing it.)
    Nothing says coo-coo like 2 (or more) musics going on at the same time.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Now, I’m not one for suggesting that one take forty hammerblows to the head, but….
    No, I’ll just leave it right there. I’m not one to do it.

    • willi0000000

      retrophrenology might just help . . . i’ll ask Zorgo.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    If he weren’t British he could be a GOP committee chairman

  • stumpknocker

    i don”t know, he could do worse, he could have voted for trump.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Hell, I once dated a drummer who lived in an ice cream truck

    Q. What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?

    A. Homeless.

    • lowenufc

      That is Bass Player!
      Of course, there is also what do you call a bass player without a sofa?
      Homeless.

      • Bitter Scribe

        How do you know when the bandstand is level?

        The drummer dribbles out of both corners of his mouth.

        • How do you know that a drummer is at the door?

          The knocking keeps speeding up, and he doesn’t know when to come in.

  • Arcnor

    Overheard at work:

    “Geez, it’s just terrible there. People living in Florida should get the hell out of Florida right now.”

    “Yeah, Hurricane Irma looks deadly.”

    “Hurricane?”

    • OutOfOrbit

      ah, the blissful

    • Blackest Noobs

      yeah one of my friends who is way more liberal than me moved to the florida keyes years ago…i still don’t get it.

      • Martini Ambassador 🍸

        I have one of those friends too. She was always a firebrand, helped organize migrant labor protests in SoCal, but now settled in south-central Fla. And complains about her reclaimed-from-swampland yard being flooded all the time.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Where are you? The dark side of the moon?

      • Daniel

        There is no dark side of the moon really. As a matter of fact it’s all dark.

        • Marion in Savannah

          You and your pesky librul facts…

      • Arcnor

        Canada.

        So, Reverse-Earth basically. Universal health care, random gun violence considered front-page news rather than background noise, a head of government that speaks two languages fluently and does NOT use words like “bigly” in EITHER.

        We’re getting nuked first when Trump declares The Bigliest War EVER on Everybody He Doesn’t Like, aren’t we. Well, after the New York Times.

        • willi0000000

          i remember Canada . . . some guys from up there came down here about 205 years early . . . do you think you might have gotten the timing right by now?

          • Arcnor

            Seems redundant. Why burn down the White House again when the current occupant is doing it fine on his own?

  • TundraGrifter

    I’m going out on a limb here and suggesting one cause of action for the breakup could have been personal hygiene. Or the lack thereof. Also.

    • OutOfOrbit

      “I tried to make him stop (playing that dogdamn piano) but no, so … bye bye.”

      –woman in distress

      • TundraGrifter

        And if that one doesn’t fit, she can wear dat dress.

        • OutOfOrbit

          with duh grip-top stockings

    • HellhathnofuryDemme

      I’ll bet his breath is great!

  • Dudleydidwrong

    This man is Forrest Gumping:
    A piano he is humping
    To mourn a woman dumping
    Him for being one sad dick.

    His reputation slumping,
    He clings to barely something–
    A grand piano thumping
    And Facebook–he’s really sick.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Ugh. This seems somewhat a propos: I was out with a fairly big group of friends last night. Roughly half of our group were women, each of whom could be considered alluring according to one’s taste, so we ended up attracting the attention of a group of guys in Chicago for a bachelor party. They actually all seemed like really decent dude’s and not the least bit obnoxious as one might fear of a bachelor party. Except there was one guy, the brother of the bride, who was just kind of sullen and not interacting much. Kinda emo without the look. He decided I was the “smart one” (we’re all lawyers, we’re all fuckin smart) and proceeds to emo-Eeyore all up in my face, boring me to tears and subtly physically blocking me from my friends. I decided to leave and he got very aggressive with me, as if I was obligated to entertain him (i.e., smile and nod). Fuuuuck that guy.
    Anyway, other than that bit of weirdness, it was one of the funnest nights I’ve had in awhile (and I saw Depeche Mode a few weeks ago)! I’m feeling very grateful today for my friends.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Nothing better than great friends. Nothing worse than an emo drunk at a bar.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        A-fuckin-men, sister.

    • proudgrampa

      Men are such pigs.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Eh, I’ve experienced much worse. It’s more that I wonder if it even occurred to him how entitled and chauvinist he was being.
        I’m not comfortable saying all men are pigs, but some definitely are.

        • Daniel

          The ones at Home Farm, for instance. Though they might not be. [Looks again] No. I’m really not sure.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            Who can say?

          • Daniel

            Well I certainly can’t- I don’t have a snowball’s chance.

        • proudgrampa

          Well, you have every right to be treated with respect and courtesy. I just cringe when I see men being such assholes.

          And no, it did not occur to him…

      • Les Appentis De la résistance

        Pigs are such men.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Wilbur libelz!

    • Fifth-and-a-Half Element
  • Daniel
    • alpacapunchbowl

      I LOVE this song so much.

  • natoslug

    The rabbit’s safe — he doesn’t sound organized enough to come up with a plan involving more than one step.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Dating tips for men and women:

    1. If you get dumped, you’re out. Doing anything “grand” to garner attention has the opposite effect.

    2. Men will more often have sex with their exes with no intention of “getting back together” than women will. People tend to grow out of this for the most part by the time they hit 35 or so.

    3 Have some self-respect. You may not deserve it, but give it a shot.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Re #2 — YMMV. But I did get that out of my system when I was about 28 or 29, so yay me, right?

      • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

        That puts you firmly in the middle of the curve.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      She was 35 when she started to be an ex. Kept it up for a dozen years.

    • Rebel Scum with permit

      If you can convince them to give it another shot because you plan to “do everything right this time” it still won’t turn out well. Everything wasn’t all about you.

  • OutOfOrbit

    IT IS A GOOD THING A BUS FULL OF BOISTEROUS TOURING WONKERS AIN’T STOPPING THERE!

    (boy would he get it)

    • BosGrl

      Eh, we’d turn it around and make him play show tunes so we could sing along.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher
    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      He’s an idiot. It doesn’t make them gay, it transgenders them.

      • willi0000000

        that used to happen to guppies in the folks aquarium all the time.

        one day the last female died . . . a few days later there was a new one there.

  • CripesAmighty

    I have one piece of sage advice for this wayward young man:
    Beer.

    • Daniel

      Cider. There’s a fantastic cider pub about ten minutes from where he’s sitting, and it’s the West Country way.

    • proudgrampa

      Corollary: Lots.

    • natoslug

      Beer, bath & basic organizational skills.

  • Joe Beese

    One Sentence Movie Review:

    It was shit.

    • natoslug

      You could almost distill that down to a one word movie review: shIT.

    • When the pundits last night yammered how the summer box office has been low and they are hoping IT fixes that, I sorta figured it was shit

    • How much of the story did they get through before “To be continued. . .”?

  • Bitter Scribe

    If you watch that video, it’s pathetic how at the end, utterly ignored, he starts to play something barely audible over the rock band that is blaring nearby.

    Dude, have a little self-respect to go with your passion. Find someone else.

  • Bananas Foster

    If she takes him back they deserve each other.

  • Jennifer R
    • commatoes

      Steganography? Subliminal messaging?

      If you suddenly start to sob uncontrollably at the word rowboat, you should really see someone.

  • NotDarkYet

    Something cute and wholesome to make up for this shitweasel: http://digg.com/video/cuddly-cow

    • Marion in Savannah

      I saw that somewhere yesterday — it’s full of squee!

      • Picabo

        Did you evacuate or are you sheltering in place?

        • Marion in Savannah

          We’re sheltering in place. Luckily Irma took a big turn to the west, so she’s no longer aimed right at us. No doubt we’ll get lots of rain and wind, but we’re ready for what comes. All stocked up with emergency supplies (especially extra oxygen tanks for Mr. MinS), with a full tank of gas. I’m sure we’ll lose power, but we can get through that. The worst part of that is no AC.

          • Picabo

            I’m here too. Please sty in touch.

          • Marion in Savannah

            Someone above suggested a hurricane thread, which I think would be a great idea. We can keep in touch with each other if we’re in it, and check up on folks if we’re not.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      The beefcake (human) is pretty nice too.

  • natoslug

    Might I suggest he start with something more effective? Like learning how to pick up his own damn socks? The grand piano gesture should be saved for when they are more in harmony.

    • CripesAmighty

      And put down the fucking toilet seat.

      • natoslug

        That’s why I just pee in the kitchen sink. No risk of leaving the seat up that way.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Um…. thanks?

        • commatoes

          Peeing in the shower at home is fine.

          At the gym? Not so much.

          • natoslug

            And don’t even get me started on how much they frown at you when you take a dump in the gym shower. It’s like they never read “Everybody Poops.”

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher
    • deadjello

      Thankx Skwerl, I’ve now spent approximately 5 hours dicking around that placeboing site and I’m sure this is going to involve rehab at some point.

  • h4rr4r

    She does not exist.
    This is a mediocre musician who had always promised himself he would make it by 35 or give up, trying to do anything to get a little publicity.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      This seems equally as likely.

      • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

        Why not both?

        • Resistance Fighter Astraea

          She exists and she does not exist? Schrodinger’s ex-girlfriend.

          I know what you mean. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out to be any of these possibilities, honestly.

    • tehbaddr

      I find your ideas intriguing…

  • I must have gone from almost an old to old.
    Could someone be explaining to me why this is stalkerish when dude is not stalking, not revealing her real name and doxxing, and is instead just playing piano in the park.
    Though granted, calling her his Rapunzel is a bit weird- did he rescue her from over protective parents who sold her to a witch who then stuck her in a tower?
    I know I know, Pinkham’s law but help a lady out? If my hubs played piano in the park for me, I’d not be freaked out

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      He’s being emotionally manipulative by trying to make her feel responsible for his choices so that she will feel guilty. It’s a huge red flag. It’s not like they’re still dating and he surprised her with a concert in the park.

      • Ok I can understand that then. I thought it more desperate than manipulative but I can see it that way

        • Wolf Tracker

          Stand your ground. It is romantic and some people just hate romance, and men, and pianists, and love.

      • CripesAmighty

        Or more succinctly, he’s being a simpering drip and needs to get a grip.

        • Maybe he should watch “She’s just not that into you”

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Oh. Well. If you’re gonna put it that way…

      • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

        At least he didn’t dox her.

        • Marion in Savannah

          Yet.

    • HellhathnofuryDemme

      His behavior is obsessive and grossly immature.
      It’s not like he’s her husband, and he’s waaay too old to think this is appropriate behavior.
      I’d be scared to death if someone was obsessing like this about one of my daughters.

      • willi0000000

        if some guy tried this with my daughter . . . he would be the one scared.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      He’s a complete twat. Look at how he dresses. Probably writes poetry. Calls tea “tiffin” to make himself endearing. Youd stab him in under a week.

      • I will have you know that I have not stabbed anyone in almost a week

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          Remarkable restraint to be applauded

      • Daniel

        When he’s not there he’s reading his poems in Boston Tea Party whether people want him to or not.

    • OutOfOrbit

      he is obsessed with her & she was prolly suffocating

    • Serai 1

      Don’t ask me. It’s silly, but it’s basically harmless. I don’t agree with the “grand romantic gestures = OMG STALKER MONSTER” thing, myself.

      • Jamoche

        Grand romantic gestures are for when there’s obvious interest. When there’s obvious disinterest, only a Hollywood scriptwriter finds it adorable.

    • Wee Mousie

      Well, partly it depends upon what he plays, and partly it depends upon how well he plays, but mostly it is that he insists upon playing a piano in the park. Just imagine the people he will inconvenience carrying his piano to and from the park on the subway. Better he had chosen a mouth organ, a saxophone, of even a theremin.

    • tehbaddr

      It’s desperate, emotionally manipulative, and creepy as Fuck!

    • commatoes

      Rapunzel? Remember how Grimm’s Fairy Tales have completely messed up endings?

      Yeah love at first sight is great. But what if a first date started talking marriage and proposed? It will not end well.

  • shastakoala

    I had a one night stand that’s lasted over eleven years. I think I’m doing something wrong. Or very right. :)

    • Suse

      I had an online affair for 2 years. He dumped me.

      • Suse! Raan stopped by earlier and said friend was ok, not sure if you got that message

        • Suse

          Oh, thanks! She’s out of the woods altogether?

          • Think so, and she is bugging out of whereever she is (assume FL?)

          • Suse

            Wow – amazing!

          • :huggles:

          • Suse

            Thanks. I feel much better today.

          • I am glad ^.^ Unplugging can do wonders. When I feel like it is “too much” I like to go off somewhere and do something happy, like gardening

        • Vagenda and Pee-ara

          Thx for the update, I was also wondering how she was doing. I see my thoughts and prayers were answered.

          • Or was it my prayers and thoughts?

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            Probably both! I’m glad Jesus listens to us occassionally.

    • bbayliss

      38 years, she picked me up in a bar. Asked what’s up? She said “I’m out on the prowl.”

      • Beanz&Berryz

        Playing hard to get isn’t always the best play…

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        That there is a keeper.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Maybe just the one-nightedness… other parts seem to have worked…

      • shastakoala

        Very well.

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    “grand gestures that seem super romantic in movies are actually horrifying in person. Literally anything John Cusack has ever done in any movie will get you a well-deserved restraining order”

    unfortunately, that restraining order was never filed on john cusack regarding appearing in front of any more movie cameras

    oh, and icecream truck drummer?… robyn is always funny

  • CripesAmighty

    Or maybe a call to Dad might be in order:
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk

    • BosGrl

      I want to siiiiing.

  • Wee Mousie

    Larry Howard? You mean like Moe, Shemp and Curly Joe Howard? Not Catherine Howard who married Henry Tudor, right?

    Prithee, Sir Luke, never again shalt thou climb the silken tresses of thine own sweet Rapunzel to clamber into her airy bower for hot monkey passion. Forsooth, thy lady hast taken refuge in a buzz cut.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Dear Rapunzel, fall the for my Courtney Love and grand gesture. I promise most graciously that I shall not refer to your sister as totty.

      Gadzooks! She’s boning an estate agent!

  • Wolf Tracker

    Apparently Robynn has never watched “the Princess Bride” and learned the depths to which a man will go to win the woman he loves.

    https://putlocker.sk/watch/the-princess-bride.6lp4/0owjqr

    Hey if nothing else he may learn to be a better pianist and his story might get him hooked up with lots of women. Just look at those long strong supple fingers he has.

    Suckers!

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    Maybe she just testing him to check his level of commitment? How do you tell the difference?

    • Wolf Tracker

      If she wanted him she wouldn’t leave him playing in the park for long with other women around that might like his piano fingers.

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      It all depends on the intensity of the taser.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Well, there’s being committed to a cause, and there’s being committed to an asylum. I think he qualifies for #2.

  • Anna Rompage

    Dated for 4 months?

    Sweet little baby jeebus, I have a feeling the only way this woman will be safe is if she enrolls in the witness protection program…

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    I just ate the most amazing/disgusting thing ever at a BBQ joint in Cleveland, TN. It was a giant potato stuffed with shredded BBQ, cheese sauce, sour cream, and potato. I may barf.

    • Marion in Savannah

      It sounds oddly compelling though. At least one or two bites, but not the whole thing.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I asked the waitress what their specialty was, and she pointed to the baked potato. I said “no, I want BBQ.” She pointed out it DID have BBQ IN it. So I ordered a BBQ sandwich, but became intrigued with the weird potato thing, so I ordered that too. It was disgutalicious.

        • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

          Good for you. I’d have ordered it, too.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I said to myself “FUCK it, when will I get the chance to eat this again?” My only regret was eating a BBQ SANDWICH before I ordered the potato thing.

          • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

            Exactly. Gotta grab those experiences while you can. Sometimes my friends will say, Ew, I don’t think I’d like that, and my response is that it’s OK if I don’t like it. I might or might not, but when I’m breathing my last I won’t be thinking, Gee, I’m glad I passed up lots of experiences.

      • Paul

        Have a drink or two. It’ll seem like a good idea then. Frankly, I’m sober and I’m drooling.

        • Marion in Savannah

          You think I’m not drinking?! But still, the whole thing seems a bit much. I’d certainly go for something along those lines, but about the size of appetizer sized stuffed potato skins.

    • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

      Sounds good to me. And if you do barf, at least you can go back and have another one.

      • h4rr4r

        Why go back? Just barf into a bowl. Saves time and money.

        • NotDarkYet

          You musta watched KatKat do that: she eats so fast, occasionally the barfs it all back up into the bowl. Undeterred, she keeps on inhaling food … cats, I swear!

          • Marion in Savannah

            I’ve got one of those too. Gross!

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Did I mention my appetizer was a pork sandwich?

        • NotDarkYet

          Pulled?

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            Of course, I’m not an animal, for God’s sakes.

    • Anna Rompage

      It sounds like a funky southern version of Kansas Tex mex poutine

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I kept thinking a redneck and a Messican got married and produced this beautiful baby.

      • Fartknocker

        Jesus, show some god damn respect to Tex Mex.

        • yyyaz

          Nevuh.Evuh.End.

    • Paul

      Beer. Quick. Wash it all down with a cold biffer. Stat.

      ETA Holly and I are glad you’re out of harm’s way. She says that little snack sounds fabulous. I, of course, agree. “Yes dear.”

    • alpacapunchbowl

      I wouldn’t stuff it with more potato, but that sounds fucking amazing. I need to check my kitchen to see if I have everything I’d need to make it.
      Seriously, my mouth is watering.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        It didn’t have added potato, just the God given original potato amount. It was oddly satisfying.

        • Suttree

          Twice baked potatoes are the shit!

    • tehbaddr

      You need some hard liquor , to take the bloat off , you understand, right?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I was thinking ice cream, but I like where your head is at on this one. As long as I’m doing hybrids, why not a vodka ice cream float?

    • commatoes

      Twice baked potato.

      I do mine with cheddar, bacon, topped with some sour cream and chopped chives. My ex loved it with peanut satay sauce and chicken.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        You haven’t lived until you’ve thrown a BBQ SANDWICH (no bread) in there, too.

        • commatoes

          BBQ be the main. That is the side dish. Y’know stuff to eat while eating other stuff.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            That was the beauty of this thing – it had all the stuff…and it was In an edible potato bowl.

          • commatoes

            I am a bit anal about food. My friend Laurie and I would go to this cheap breakfast place when we were at university. She would order sausage links, scrambled eggs, and home fries. She would cut up the sausage, mix the whole plate, drizzle a bit of syrup, and then make a ketchup lattice on the top. She would then dig in with a spoon. I almost couldn’t watch her eat. Laurie was a varsity swimmer at the time so her caloric intake/metabolism was high. To her, it was about fuel and efficiency.
            I am not to the point where foods cannot touch. But I don’t like it when something like ketchup gets on vegetables or rice. I will still eat it though.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I don’t even like mixing my hots and my colds, but this weird concoction worked.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The Cardiologist Special?

    • Suttree

      That sounds amazing! Mail me some. This one time, at college, my Baka mailed me dried sausages. They sat somewhere extremely hot for a while. I still ate them and they were delicious. Just covered in rendered fat.

    • TootsStansbury

      BBQ with cheese sauce? I..slaw, sure but cheese? Y’all not Easterners is weird.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Born and bred East coaster.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    @rebecca @evan Would it be possible to have a dedicated hurricane thread?

    • BosGrl

      Great idea.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Yeah — it would be a great place for folks to check in who are in the storm, and check up on folks you’re worried about.

    • Suttree

      Brilliant idea!

  • Kiri the Unicorn
    • Johnnymoreno

      I love skittles and beer too!

      • Marion in Savannah

        Watch out for those Skittles, especially if you’re, you know…

  • God Emperor Emeritus

    The secondary Main Thing wrong with this amazing plan is doing it at College Green. Jesus Christ man. The park in front of the Council House (City Hall)? The one where loads of drunk students hang around waiting for the bus back up the hill? The one full of people from about 7am until midnight? Even if this was a movie and the John Cusack rules apply, this park, in particular, looks neither romantic nor lonely.

    There are parks less than a mile away that are probably nearly deserted and have amazing views of the Avon Gorge. And you picked College Green. Fail.

    • How is he gonna get lots of attention if he goes some place quiet?

    • Daniel

      Park Street, though. Maximum attention.

      ETA: up by the museum there’s an awesome kebab/wrap shop. I’m suddenly really hungry for one.

    • commatoes

      Drunk uni lad using the piano as a urinal at three AM.

      • willi0000000

        only one?

        [ . . . only urinal? ]

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨

    Hurricane News Update:

    https://twitter.com/MiamiNewTimes/status/906623020751564801

    Because Florida.

    • commatoes

      Add a gator blown up in a meth lab and you have the most Florida scene ever.

    • tehbaddr

      Priorities!

    • Suttree

      And they are making bank! At first look, I thought it was a drive through liquor store. A friend in Georgia has those. Louisiana had the drive through daiquiri shops.

      • Master Contrail Program

        It probably has one, most local liquor stores in the state do.

    • Master Contrail Program

      I love this state. Not many other places you can find a titty bar, wig store, check cashing place, ethnic grocery and day care center in one strip mall.

      Oh, since it’s 2017, add a vape shop. Never knew there were that many nicotine afficianados until a few years ago.

      • BeachBum

        It only needs a “Worms and Bait” store for total one stop shopping !

        • TundraGrifter

          “Red Wiggler,
          “Red Wiggler,
          “The Cadillac of Worms!”

    • The ONLY building in Homestead to escape Andrew completely undamaged was the adult bookstore. It was a low, concrete domed structure that was a hip night club in a previous life.

    • BeachBum

      Irma is dancing. Next is Irma. Then Irma. Later Irma again.

      • Master Contrail Program

        It’s our all-Scorpions playlist! Once again it’s, Rock You Like A Hurricane! Gentlemen, open your hearts and wallets for……Irrrrma!

    • bbayliss

      Priorities, said Frankie Lee with a soulful bounding leap

    • Bozilingus

      Soon to be topless.

    • TundraGrifter

      Back in the day it was Big Daddy’s Lounge. Not this place – just the place.

  • Kiri the Unicorn
  • MarkInCA

    Call me anti-romantic but this kind of obsessiveness makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      It’s creepy as fuck.

      • tehbaddr

        Essentially, trying to make her an emotional hostage. Creepy Eurotrash!

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Yanks do it too, believe me.

          • tehbaddr

            Yeah, you’re right, but in this instance I believe my nomenclature is spot on!

  • tehbaddr

    If any of you ever catch me acting that way, please do the humane thing!

    • Suttree

      Ok. To the strip club it is!

    • MarkInCA

      And write a rom-com about you?

      Sorry…couldn’t resist…

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Force you to get a haircut and take a bath, then take you for beer and tell you to sort it the fuck out?

      • tehbaddr

        Mmm, yeah that would be a start.

    • Wee Mousie

      You mean pointing and laughing and taking video with our smart cameras to post on YouTube and share with our friends?

      Oh! I see. you said do the humane thing, not the human thing.

  • Suttree

    I feel you Robyn. A woman that I used to date like to lock her keys in her house. I would drop what I was doing and go pull the hinges off of her front door. Yes the hinge pins were on the outside of this 12 foot tall door. I usually stood on the trunk of my car. Did I mention that this happened twice after we broke up and we swore we hated each other to death?

    • BeachBum

      Love/hate. It is confusing.

    • FauxAntocles

      Um, not to pull a hindsight 20/20 thing, but wouldn’t it have been easier to have a spare key?

      • Suttree

        I had one on and off depending on her mood. Then she would go on a bender and take it back.

        • Marion in Savannah

          In that situation what you do is make 6 or 12 copies.

          • Suttree

            I was actually good and honest and respected her wish not to make copies. Stupid parents raising me right!

    • therblig

      i wish i could brag about leaving a woman unhinged.

      • Wee Mousie

        Yeah, me too. I can only brag about dating a lot of unhinged women, I seemed to have a talent for finding the dears. It is the main reason I’m not sorry I’m too old to date.

        • willi0000000

          i don’t think i’m too old to date . . . women however..

      • Suttree

        Haha! Nice!

  • MarkInCA

    Note to all fellow guys out there: If she doesn’t want you then it AIN’T GONNA WORK. Learn to move on. Half of the population of this planet is female so the idea of someone being “THA WONNNNN” is silly at best, creepyobsessivestalker at worst.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      I am still getting back at my third grade crush. She will take me back… Although I don’t. Remember h Er name.

  • This story reminds me of A PRETTY SONG!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y21VecIIdBI

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Nice homage to a great singer.

    • commatoes

      Great song from a great album.

  • gallbladder

    The last time I became distraught over a four-month “relationship” was back in university, when I was 19.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      How long were you in jail for?

      • gallbladder

        Years.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I had a relationship once…

    • willi0000000

      i thought i did.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Every breath you take…
    Every move you make…

    • tehbaddr

      Every cake you bake..

      • BloviateMe

        Every ‘gasm you fake…

    • Nefercat

      I remember a Sting interview where he talked about how baffled he was about that song so often being played at wedding receptions. He said (words to the effect) the lyrics pretty much defined stalking and had nothing to do with love.

      • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

        Sort of like the way trump likes You Can’t Always Get What You Want and Reagan liked Born in the USA–people hear a catchy tune and latch on to a few phrases without understanding the total meaning.

        • Nefercat

          Yeah, like radio stations playing “American Woman” on the 4th of July.

      • tehbaddr

        We’ve been over this before here at the Wonlette, about how The Police were in fact a disturbing punk rock band with a glittering sound from the start. About 2/3 of their lyrics are dark, about 1/3 happy go lucky, and of the 2/3 about 1/3 is deeply wrong on many levels. That was their brilliance!

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          The Police…

          I distinctly remember the lyrics, “There’s a little black spot on your lung today.”

          Or something like that.

  • Wee Mousie

    To begin with, a haircut and a shave wouldn’t be amiss, and then, if you are going to go in for the “grand gesture” you should at least spring for a grand piano.

    • therblig

      at least it’s not bagpipes.

      • Master Contrail Program

        A theremin seems more appropriate.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          A kazoo and knee cymbals.

          • You should ice that burn

            “I’m down here

        • Kiri the Unicorn
        • tehbaddr

          Maybe a Dulcimer?

          • willi0000000

            mountain or hammered?

  • Up In Smoke O’hontas

    Nice time: crazy Smokodad agreed to leave his condo (in the mandatory evacuation zone) and is heading to a hurricane shelter as I wonk! I am so relieved that brow beating and pleading overcame the stubborn! Raise a glass to guilt trip victories!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Is there nothing nagging can’t accomplish!?

      • BloviateMe

        A blow job from Mrs. Blov comes to mind.

        • tehbaddr

          Nagging isn’t the way to go about that. But, I’ll bet her nagging works on you! That’s just the way it is.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            The nagging diode….

          • You should ice that burn

            So many junctions…never the anode

        • You should ice that burn

          Little known fact: There’s a food that causes women to lose interest those…Wedding cake

          Badduump! Kshhh! I’ll be here all week, then I’ll be playing the employee lounge at the Staybridge Suites in Minot ND.

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          Start by badgering her for anal and the settle on a compromise?

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            I laughed waaaaay too much at that

          • BloviateMe

            Like Fukui, I laughed very much at that. Brilliant.

        • rosenbomb

          I mean…you better be putting up something for a trade, is all I’m saying

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Nagging cubed × every member of the family raised to the power of his bartender deciding to seek shelter = success!

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Wherever my bartender goeth…

          • Marion in Savannah

            Priorities are priorities.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Yay on you for nagging, and yay on dad for getting out. Well done!

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        I’m not crying into my beer! You’re crying into my beer!
        I’ve gonna wash away the flop sweats I’ve had all week with a cocktail. Now you be safe too! There’s an extra bunk in Wisco for any wonkers who need it!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      In my experience there’s almost nothing a nice woman can’t get with some diligent, thoughtful nagging… Good Job!

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Hugs! I went with the “Wouldn’t you want me to go be safe?” tack. I really think it was his bartender bugging out that tipped the scales. He did forget his pool cue at home, but I told him I’d send him mine (what is it with stubborn know it alls and pool? The world may never know).

        • BeachBum

          Pool is for beer money. But you didn’t hear it from me.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Something about wrapping One’s hand around a nice bit of wood?

  • You should ice that burn

    I once had a girlfriend with so little personality I had to lend her one of mine..

    • tehbaddr

      I dated that girl also, too!

    • Marion in Savannah

      I understand how that happened, but it’s still howlingly funny.

    • You should ice that burn

      Philip K Dick could dream about Androids I’m fairly certain..

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Worked for blade runner Deckard.

    • yyyaz

      Steely Dan (the original that Becker/Fagen borrowed the name from).

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    If he was going to emotionally manipulate her properly, he shouldn’t have gone for the self-promo. He may as well have written “I’m an asshole who doesn’t actually care about this girl” on his pretentious little sandwich board there.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Heya folks!
    I’m in NC, safe and sound.
    Looks like the upper Keys are going to be spared.
    Should be back home by Wednesday or Thursday, providing the southbound traffic isn’t as horrid as it was heading north.
    It took 26 hours total to get here.
    Normally it’s a 10-12 hr. trip.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Great to hear! Safe respite and travels ahead…

      • MynameisBlarney

        I should have stayed, because I’m gong to be broke as fuck when I get back.
        My my entire paycheck AND my b-day bonus, GONE! Spent on gas, hotels, and non-perishable foods!
        GAH!

        • MynameisBlarney

          Though, I did get to see my cousin again. So that’s cool.
          He’s actually going to loan me some money so I can get back home.
          And we gettin’ high as fuck.

          • tehbaddr

            Sometimes you just have to admit to having been fucked, and make the best of it!

          • Paul

            Priorities.

          • The Flaming Carrot

            Dude!

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Ugh. Well. Did all that spending at least save you?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      That’s great news, Blarney!

    • MynameisBlarney

      I hope I never have to go through that again.
      I left Key Largo at noon on Thursday, and it took me until 3am Friday morning to find a hotel that had vacancies AND would allowed pets.
      And I hadn’t even made it out of Florida at that point.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I was on I-95 heading north, and it was a total shitshow, made worse by the fact that all the 80 year old Florida man’s were driving 45 in the left hand lane, with their blinkers on.

        • MynameisBlarney

          I went 27 to 997 to 75, then I-10 to 95.
          Everyone was driving like an asshole.
          Except me, of course.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I literally saw people passing on the right SHOULDER of the road, and one dude who pulled over to block them (why?), so they were driving in the grass. It was mayhem. There were no rules that day, my friend.

          • Juan de Fuca

            So…they were basically driving like some assholes do everyday here in California, then?

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            Exactly.

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      • Marion in Savannah

        ““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““ (sorry, that’s Tribble typing)
        At least you’re somewhere safe. That’s really all that matters.

      • The Flaming Carrot

        I hope you’re OK. When I realized, with growing horror, that Irma was going to bang into Florida, I worried that the peninsular geography would make it difficult to escape.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      GOOD NEWS!

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      BLARNEY!!

      *covers your face with wet equine kisses, heedless of all propriety and several state laws*

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Blarney! So glad you’re ok! Keep your purty face dry and keep in touch.

    • Maclare 🍩☕
    • Happy times!

      I lived down there for several years. It breaks my heart to see what’s happening to The Keys. Was there a plan to evacuate for the adorable Key Deer?

      • MynameisBlarney

        I doubt it, unfortunately.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Glad you are safe!

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      Yay!

    • tehbaddr

      Heh, kick back and some refreshment then!

    • redarmyzombie

      Hooray! Sucks about the traffic, but at least you’re safe!

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Eyewall hit Key Cudjoe about an hour ago. I’m so sad for my friends on Big Pine Key. But I’m glad you’re safe.

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      Great to hear! Our storm plan was “take critters and go to the shop”, which is working out ok so far.

    • SDGeoff3

      Hi, Blarney! We were worried about you. Just found this, and I know everyone is happy to know you are safe.

  • Maclare 🍩☕

    I call shenanigans. I bet you there IS no “Rapunzel”. Just a grifter and his piano who wants some sweet internet fame.

    He will never reveal her name because she doesn’t exist. Which is a good thing for her, really

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    Since this is the open thread, here is some fun piano playing
    https://youtu.be/zVLWyt66Yj4

  • Jennifer R

    You folks are a good facsimile of therapy you know that?

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Well, you know, we don’t like to brag but

      Yes.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        We are just preparing you all for our bill.

      • Marion in Savannah

        I’ll tell you true — hanging out here has made the whole Irma situation much more tolerable. Love all y’all. (Well, except that that butthole I blocked earlier.)

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          Likewise. It’s great to have operatives all over the world. And I haven’t yet blocked WT, because I want to see the comment that finally sends him off the wonketariat mortal coil. I was annoyed when he first showed up and I damn well intend to see it through until he goes the way of canned clams.

          • Marion in Savannah

            You’re stronger than I am. He seems to be here this morning. Is he still going on about bowling?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      There’s nothing the rapy about us! We’re nice. Sometimes.

      • willi0000000

        so we’re not Psycho the rapist?

    • Rick Hill

      I keep putting my Paypal up, waiting for my fees to come rolling in….

    • Amelia Resists and Persists

      It says a lot about my life that I have been told that before.

      • BloviateMe

        That you need therapy? I get that all the time too, yet I resist.

        • BosGrl

          Dad? Is that you?

        • Amelia Resists and Persists

          That too, but I meant that people find it so weirdly easy to talk to me about their problems that I should charge. It’s just a weird vibe I give out, I guess?

          • BloviateMe

            I actually get that too. I think us liberals tend to be able to sympathize, or at least empathize, and that’s a draw to someone in pain.

    • Shucky Ducky

      When I was in grad school I went to the campus psych to discuss the fact that I had just broken up with a guy who had traveled cross-country to be with me, and I felt like a shit. The psych told me that he felt close enough to me to share the fact that, through past-life regression, he now knows that in an earlier life he had been a castrato in Atlantis. I was IMMEDIATELY CURED OF ALL SELF-DOUBT.
      So yeah, Wonketeers work just as good.

      • BosGrl

        I was vacationing in Paris back in the ’80s and a guy that I knew from Boston that was living in Ireland bought me a nonrefundable ticket to fly to see him in Cork and I flaked. His whole family was expecting me. I still feel bad about that. Also stupid, blowing that opportunity!

        • Shucky Ducky

          When I was back-packing in Italy I borrowed money from a Kiwi to get home then ducked his calls and never paid him back. Youths got shit fer brainz.

          • BosGrl

            Truly.

    • bluicebank

      Self medicating with humor can have lasting side effects.

      Four out of five doctors agree.

  • Rick Hill

    He just needs a better mix tape.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIRyWlPi7Fc

  • Master Contrail Program

    Let one of America’s most beloved crooners break it down.

    https://youtu.be/kWD5gdpt4Dw

  • Nefercat

    With his obviously brilliant judgment, I’ll bet he landed on that old Vogues tune to win back his ex:

    ♪ ♫ There is someone walking behind you,
    turn around, look at me.
    There is someone watching your footsteps,
    Turn around, look at me ♫ ♪

    The rest of the lyrics are just as horrifying.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    So, George Clooney is relentlessly dogging Steve (ex president) Bannon about being a failed screenwriter. His screenplay sounds absurd.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      It was a rap version of the holocaust or something equally absurd, wasn’t it?

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Gareth Brooks raps the Holocaust featuring Ted Nugent.

        • Arolpin

          Garth is somewhat of a lefty and wouldn’t associate with Bannon or Nugent. (His sales peaked about the time he released a song that may have indicated that gay relationships aren’t the worst thing ever.). Charlie Daniels raps the Holocaust featuring Ted Nugent seems more reasonable.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Shakespearean rap about riots, maybe. It was so stupid, I immediately forgot it.

      • NotDarkYet

        Springtime for Donald?

  • Suttree

    So, from 18-21 I dated a woman about a decade older than me. One break up was slinging all of my shit out of the second story window. The final break up was a bag of my clothing that I went to pick up. I got home and opened it, and it was full of her hair!

    • BosGrl

      uh

      • Suttree

        I had an interesting youth. We are actually fb friends. She has kids and a husband and stuff. She mellowed out apparently. I’m still pissed she stole my cat though! :)

        • BosGrl

          Maybe you were a turning point in her life!

        • NotDarkYet

          That’s an unforgivable offense.

          • Suttree

            Naw. She had gotten two kittens out of a trash can on Canal Street and one of them made it. I got my kitty down by the shop. The two merged together and became friends. She refused to let them be separated. I concurred, but she still stole my Mimi!

          • NotDarkYet

            Well, o.k. I guess I was little too judge-y! :)

            All (well, most of it) is forgiven! :)

          • Suttree

            All cat lovers get extra bonus points in my book.

    • rosenbomb

      That is horrifying! My last ex was super emotionally manipulative. No hair in a bag, but lots of emails blaming me for wronging him by breaking up with him.

      • Suttree

        My last long term gf (6 years?) was the master of the gish gallop argument. It didn’t matter how wrong she was, she just threw bullshit at you. Somehow she had forgotten that I was raised and abused by a lawyer. I still love her as a friend. We just never realized how wrong we were for each other.

        It’s funny because Lizzie is different than me exes. She is nice!

        • tehbaddr

          For now.

          • Suttree

            Boooo! Hisss!!!!!

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      I just had my summer romance send alley love letters back to me. Most women her age would have used the garbage can.

      • BosGrl

        Wow. Real love letters, like on paper? Where do you live again?

    • BloviateMe

      Just hair from the drapes? Or did the carpet get involved?

    • bluicebank

      I now feel much better about that one breakup where I had to get out of Dodge like I was a hillbilly in a hurry. :-)

      Because dang, dude, what’d you do to deserve that?

      • Suttree

        The slinging shit out of the window time was because I didn’t want to talk to her. I just got home from work and was quietly nursing a liter of vodka and reading Kierkegaard. I’m sure that she had some reason to be angry at me to begin with. I was not anyway near a perfect person. I was a drunken kid living in New Orleans.

        • BosGrl

          20 y/o Suttree solemnly drinking vodka and reading philosophy. I’m picturing you as Maynard G. Krebs.

          • Suttree

            I am unsure whether to take that as an insult or a compliment. I think that I may have watched Dobie Gillis once. Gilligan as a stoner is the premise?

          • BosGrl

            Thinking more of that beatnik look. I’m just teasing – you know I love you!

          • therblig

            more slacker beatnik as i recall. always had a bad reaction to the word “work”

  • Rick Hill

    He’s got the music but he needs puppets, too!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH5VnnJbdSM

  • Jamoche
  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Going out to the bars in tweed and plus fours (breeks). Fall is here!

    • Suttree

      You better act an ass and get kicked out of every bar you attend!

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        I’ll be working the ol’ cricket bat tonight!

  • Suttree

    BTW, I have fun telling these ex stories. Somewhat because Lizzie is so super chill and doesn’t yell at me. Or throw things at me. And also because she is so smrt and adorkable!

    • tehbaddr

      What stories? Where are they? Holding out on your lurid conquests son?

  • bluicebank

    This article by the normally astute Wonkette team is drummer libelz!

    The douche in question is NOT a drummer. He’s barely a keyboardist.

    But otherwise, spot on, Robyn. One must never bemoan lost love in art, unless you’re very talented. If not talented, get over it. If talented, for instance:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpNw7jYkbVc

    • commatoes

      Dear arrested adolescent,

      If you ask the following questions, the answer will be, “OH, HELL NO!”.

      https://youtu.be/QkkoqvLZOfQ

      https://youtu.be/StKVS0eI85I

      Yes, I have a thing for female singers in almost every genre.

      • bluicebank

        I have a thing for Joan Jett (even though she swings the other way). Awesome original songs, awesome covers. She’s the only one who could do a Creedence song better than Creedence.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AATN0IUgwmQ

      • BrianW

        Since Joan came out a few years ago, I guess the answer to the song is, “Yes, but you probably won’t let me…?”

    • tehbaddr

      Classic. Have you sen her recently? Short hair all punk and still hot as shit!

      • bluicebank

        She’s always hot. Just a bit younger than me, and she’ll still be hot when I’m yelling at clouds.

  • BadKitty904
    • BloviateMe

      Yeah, well, at least we don’t cause hurricanes and stuff.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        Excuse me, but it sure as hell isn’t lesbians and gay men who are lined up at the abortionplex drive up window!

      • bluicebank

        Speak for yourself. I sinned the other day, and the Almighty said, “Shit, I better target another red state.”

      • BadKitty904

        Well, actually

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Dude, you don’t go out demonstrating your dysfunction when you get dumped. You grit your teeth figure out what you might have done wrong, figure out what to do different next time and then grit your teeth until you are over it. It’s a no-brainer, really.

    Or isn’t it?

    Have you considered a shave and a haircut? Perhaps a bath, too? Just sayin’.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Whatever happened to liquor and drugs?

      • Maclare 🍩☕

        Well, where did you see them last?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Well, I was kinda suspecting that this guy might do worse than cut back on liquor and drugs for a while.

  • Fartknocker

    This is one of the better PSAs I’ve seen concerning hurricane safety.
    https://twitter.com/BillyCorben/status/906615119567839233

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Considering how utterly stoopit these people are, I strongly suspect that a lot of them will end up with lead poisoning.

      Sadly, they will probably hurt some non-stoopit people too. And this pisses me off to no end.

      Dump Asses!

      • NotDarkYet

        Thankfully, the bullets’ terminal velocities are much lower than their muzzle velocities, and fatal injuries are rare; but that doesn’t mean some freak accidents don’t ever happen.

    • bbayliss

      jeeezus.

    • Master Contrail Program
      • NotDarkYet

        Don’t eat the hemorrhoid cream!

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          My husband accidentally put Preparation H on his toothbrush once as a sleep deprived new dad. Poison Control told us it happens all the time.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            I’ve done that with zit cream. Not something you forget. Cleared that ulcer right up though.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            One morning I rubbed toothpaste on my face but luckily stopped myself from putting shaving cream into my mouth on my toothbrush. I made a point of making a lot of extra strong coffee to take to work that day.

          • NotDarkYet

            I heard that PH works on bags under the eyes?!

            Before too long, I may have to put that to a test!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Ma! I think I kilt it!!”

      • BosGrl

        “Ma? MA???”

    • NotDarkYet

      Upcoming TIL/TIFU on Reddit: bullets come back; who’da knowed?

      And here’s perfect synergy:
      bullets come back / girlfriend does NOT come back

  • Picabo

    I just warned another neighbor not to park in an area that was flooded by Hurricane Matthew. About 15 cars were totaled. Don’t just look for the helpers, be one.

    • BloviateMe

      I have to admit, I’d probably check for Trump bumper stickers before advising. I’m petty that way.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        That is super petty. Care to come sit next to me?

        I let a guy get in front of me in traffic last week, and when I saw the Trump bumper sticker, I wanted to yell “I take my niceness back, because you suck balls.”

        • BeachBum

          Don’t ya wanna take the moral high ground ?
          Be the bigger person ?
          Forgive and…… ok….nevermind.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I’ll nurse a grudge like it’s an infant suckling at my bosom

          • BeachBum

            I hate it when I cant remember what I was mad about.

          • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

            Or when I forget that I was mad in the first place. Makes it hard to hold a grudge.

          • BeachBum

            Then they remind you by saying “I’m so glad you’re not mad anymore.” The WORST 11

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I think it had something to do with your grandpappy”s horse getting stole.

  • msanthropesmr

    Im gonna play guitar and drink manhattans until someone pays me to go away.

    • BloviateMe

      I hope it’s not weird folk music…

      • msanthropesmr

        I gave my love a maraschino cherry…..That had no stone….

        • BloviateMe

          Let’s start a drum circle, and go full obnoxious.

          • msanthropesmr

            Never go full obnoxious.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I’ve sued people in the Hague for that.

          • BeachBum

            I only have an empty 5 gal plastic can ? Is that enough ?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      People usually pay me to go away the minute I reach for a guitar case. Saves money on the booze.

    • BeachBum

      I will do a Gofundme site for you when I stop being so whimsical.

    • 3FingerPete

      You’ll get more faster if you substitute an harmonica for that guitar.

  • bbayliss

    according to the Rude Pundit There is no SATAN:

    “That the ground beneath Sessions didn’t open up and gnarled claws didn’t skewer his scrotum and drag him to Hell is pretty much proof positive that there is no Satan.”

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    So…the Freedom Caucus loons are plotting to oust Paul Ryan, and replace him with either the very sane Newt Gingrich, or the very well liked Rick Santorum, two people who were loathed by their own party. Please let this happen.

    • DainBramage

      Newt would turn it down as he’d actually have to work. Still, go Freedum Cockesters!

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I think he’d take the job, just to get back at Miss Lindsey, who led the coup against him in the nineties.

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          Wait up! Newt can do Freedumb Cockus?! Is he still a fucking senator? I may have blocked that out. I thought he was down to “Former Arglebargle…” status.
          On second thought, if he’s in the Senate I don’t want to know.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            Apparently the loons figured out that the Speaker of the House can literally be anyone. You don’t have to be an elected official. God help us all…

    • bluicebank

      The Santorum jokes will never end.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        It’s a veritable font of humor!

  • BeachBum

    FFS, maybe I’m getting old, but with all things that happens between mating adults of the species, 4 mos is just a really long one night stand. No time to do any real human life stuff, not that he was up to doing so anyway. Just enough fleshy, passiony, lusty funzie stuff. Which is FINE WITH ME, but it does wear off when real life comes a knockin’.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Here’s something I wrote about the break up of my (40 year) marriage:

      At the start it’s just an
      experiment: sex and a fight over whether it matters that you never screw the
      toothpaste cap back on, or make the bed. At ten years it’s a really long date.

  • MynameisBlarney

    OK, I have to sign off, just wanted to let y’all know I was ok. Because…I dunno…maybe ’cause I like y’all or sumthin.

    I should be back to my normal insanity soon.
    Oh, I’ll try to log on again before I head back south.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      I’ve been a little worried. Thanks for checking in.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Just check in every now and then, please?

      • MynameisBlarney

        This is the 1st time I’ve really had a chance.
        I’ve either been driving or sleeping.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          You should go find Bad Kitty. He’s like, eating steaks on the town and drinking.

    • Rick Hill

      We already checked the tracking chip that the Editrix has implanted in all Wonketteer’s buttokcks and knew you were fine.

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        So that’s what that is. I thought it was a pimple.

        • puredog

          You were probably drunk during the implantation procedure. Trix is cunning like that.

    • BosGrl

      Hugs, Blarney!

    • BrianW

      Thanks, Blarney. Glad to hear that you’re OK.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      So pleased to see that you are safe. Thanks for letting us know.

    • Glad to hear it! Thanks for the update!

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Happy you’re ok! Just do the smart thing, and also check in with us. We worry :-)
      Also too, remember to brush a floss! Periodontal problems are no joke.

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      If you need a place to stop in FLL on your way South, let me know.

  • TundraGrifter

    Here is some pretty sobering shit:

    http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/outreach/history/

    I taped “Key Largo” a few weeks ago and we may watch it tomorrow. Apparently the 1935 Labor Day Hurricane inspired part of the plot.

    • Scott1960

      The 1935 one looks like it is on the same projected path as Irma. But it wasn’t as big! GULP!

  • Rick Hill

    So, the gawds of Wood are doing their best to cheese me….again. Last June I bought bunch of sheet stock to use for doors. The core was mdf, which even half inch is heavy. So, I used what was on top for the wine room storage project and kept the rest for a kitchen. Sheet stock usually has one side that’s nicer than the other, these had big knots on the bad side *uhgn* Oh, well hope it doesn’t look too bad for the wine storage. Fast forward to now, the kitchen is knotty alder and they want the knots. Knots, knots, knot! I dip into the pile that’s left and what’s on the crap side? Knots? Noooooo. Perfect and clean, it is. How do you like your blueeyed boy now??!?!

    • msanthropesmr

      I just made a case today of Cherry and Maple, and the cherry had cracks. So they’;re getting distressed cherry, like it or not.

      • Rick Hill

        Tell them it would have cost double if they had asked for it, that way

        • msanthropesmr

          The last time I made something with cherry from this suppler, the tabletop turned into a potato chip.

          • Rick Hill

            A good dealer makes all the difference in the world.

          • commatoes

            The two places I buy from deal with luthiers and cabinet makers. So the stuff is good quality but expensive if not bought in bulk.

            Exotic Woods
            A and M Wood Specialty

      • commatoes

        I had the same problem with a coffee table I made for friends. I ended up mixing a batch of grain filler with cherry sawdust. I have heard that it comes from kiln drying too rapidly.

    • bbayliss

      [Buffalo Bill ‘s]
      BY E. E. CUMMINGS
      Buffalo Bill ’s
      defunct
      who used to
      ride a watersmooth-silver
      stallion
      and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlikethat
      Jesus

      he was a handsome man
      and what i want to know is
      how do you like your blue-eyed boy
      Mister Death

      • BosGrl

        Well, hell, that’s depressing.

    • Arolpin

      I wanted knotty alder for my kitchen renovation, but my wife thought it was too rustic. We decided quarter-sawn oak was a reasonable compromise. I actually think the oak is better in our kitchen, but when I get a ski cabin, I’m going with knotty alder.

    • BeachBum

      The gawds of Wood think they are funny, but try making firewood jokes and see who laughs. It does get their attention.

    • commatoes

      I hate MDF. Depending on the application, I use baltic birch ply because I usually don’t do large projects. The only time I preferred it was helping my BIL do some wainscotting. I like that it is dead flat and stable. But the weight is a serious drawback. Likewise, I have had to make my own veneer a couple of times because the veneer at my local specialty lumber place was really expensive and too thin.

  • Ezio
  • george lastrapes

    Knee-deep in needy. Need I say more?
    I got through 21 seconds of the clip and wanted to slap him silly. There’s a feel-good movie somewhere in all this, but I never could watch a feel-good movie without feeling manipulated.

    • puredog

      I watched a really feel-good movie last night: Megan Leavey. You must love dogs. (ETA: “Feel-good” in this context means five-hankie.)

      • george lastrapes

        I confess, I’ve grown cynical. And some say I look like a schnauzer. But wait- ‘cynical’ comes from classical Greek, ‘kunikos’, meaning ‘doglike’. Maybe they saw dogs differently back then. I had a cat once, named him DioGe, not for D-O-G, but short for Diogenes the Cynic. Some heads got scratched over that (by the owners of said heads, not by the cat). Hmmm.

    • mancityRed6

      this is feel good on par with silent night, deadly night.

  • msanthropesmr

    You know where a mansplainer gets his water?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I thought they preferred whine?

      • Shucky Ducky

        [Pinkie Pie rimshot goes here]

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      A well, actually

    • Daniel

      Wells.

  • puredog

    Mmmm. I smell boiled bunny.

  • msanthropesmr

    You’re not playing for love, buddy.

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    I dunno NYT, if ya equate unpredictable out-for-only-himself narcissistic fool as “an Indeoendent,” then yeah, I guess run with that hot take.
    https://twitter.com/speechboy71/status/906622127801073664

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Independent of a frontal cortex.

    • Daniel

      It gets written because they are utterly desperate to pretend the Republican party is sane and rational.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Bingo!

      • You should ice that burn

        ^^^^^^^YAAASSSSS^^^^^^^^

    • commatoes

      Disavowed by both parties?

      • Daniel

        “Out! Out, dampnut!”

    • BosGrl

      He’s not a cowboy (pity the poor horse) and he’s not a maverick and he’s alllll yours, GOP!

      • Grokenstein

        More of a horse’s ass than a cowboy.

    • Shucky Ducky

      Huh, I never knew that “independent” was a synonym for “hoof-wanking bunglecunt.” Thanks NYT!

    • mancityRed6
    • BeachBum

      So now we translate “cowboy” to “white supremist Nazi sympathizer” ? Is there an app for this ?

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      The NYT, always looking for a way to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Y’all. The seventh season of Portlandia is available today on Netflix. The first skit of the second episode has me laughing hysterically.
    WHATABOUTMEN?

    • amrak63

      IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE POWER OF THE FLAMING BAGPIPE UNICYCLE SIDE…

      https://i.imgur.com/bRG1Yye.png

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Lololololol! Oh, but I do. 😄😅

    • WomanInThePersistence

      The second episode of season 2 ( One Moore Episode) is one of my favorite things.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I shall have to go back and revisit that one right meow!

      • alpacapunchbowl

        Oh yeah! That was a good one! Haha

  • Hell, I once dated a drummer who lived in an ice cream truck

    You dated a member of the KLF?!? https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/16/The_KLF_-_Justified_and_Ancient.jpg

    • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

      Jesus, Bill Drummond, no wonder.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • Daniel

      And it bakes cakes for gay customers too.

    • mancityRed6

      my job would be making parts for that robot
      hell, I’ve worked with a robot that looked like that.

  • mancityRed6

    “The 34-year-old from Bath..”
    go to the baths and fucking meditate on what was there 2000 years ago.
    I know the water is green, but still. it still runs and it’s still warm.
    I’ve been there, I know how awesome it looks.

    “The pair recently split up after a four-month relationship…”
    and you’re fucking 34 and can’t get past it?
    for fuck’s sake, grow a pair and be a fucking man for once in your absolutely miserable fucking existance.
    jeebus christos on a pair of crutches.

    • mancityRed6

      do I sound bitter?
      maybe it’s ’cause my one year anniversary of having to restart my life with the bare fucking minimum is getting pretty damn close and this asshole is doing this.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        Frankly, I’m with ya. This ponce is begging for a swift hoof to the knackers.

        • mancityRed6

          a fucking glassin’, aye

        • Give me a minute to strap on my flower printed Docs and i heartily voluteer to deliver

          • mancityRed6

            if they’re not steel toes, we’ll have to give you some slip ons.

          • I have a pair of those too, but they don’t have the delicious irony look to them

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Well, no, they’re an alloy.

          • Lookit you with your smart metallurgy jokes

  • Picabo
    • Stulexington

      USA! USA! USA!

      • Résistance Land Shark Ω

        you forgot the FUCK YEAH!

    • mancityRed6

      first in incarceration, last in everything else.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Pro wrestling is not real???

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      And those homophobic redneck fans just love watching huge, masculine, muscular men prance around in skin tight speedos.

  • CripesAmighty

    Two words, son: song selection.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EDB0dUWZUK8

    • mancityRed6

      omg, fully. even with the earplugs in, they were fucking loud.
      I am so glad I saw them. $9.89 with a ticketmaster charge of about $8

      • TundraGrifter

        Did you ever see Deep Purple?

        • mancityRed6

          dread zeppelin, does that count?

          • TundraGrifter

            Of course it counts! But nobody – nobody – that I know of played louder than Deep Purple. Another twenty minutes and my ears would have started to bleed.

          • mancityRed6

            all the old shows before I started bringing ear plugs…Fear, SOIA, Dropkicks, Murphy’s Law…they all get loud the closer you get to the stage.

          • TundraGrifter

            1972[edit]
            Deep Purple held the record and were recognized by The Guinness Book of World Records as the “globe’s loudest band” when in a concert at the London Rainbow Theatre their sound reached 117 dB. Three of their audience members were rendered unconscious.[3][4]

            The night we saw them at the Cow Palace, the young lady who was my date (she had no idea what she was getting herself into) sat huddled on the floor behind the little wall separating our seats from the floor with her hands over her ears.

            There was somebody sitting inside one of the speakers on the stage. He was probably dead.

  • mancityRed6

    play this
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYAM17lLtKk
    and then play this
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TTPCGbNJsg
    and then maybe stop. just stop.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Dude, just rub one out. You’ll be fine. You’re only like 3 years away from not giving a fuck.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      He’d probably cry.

    • bluicebank

      In his case, more than one.

    • mancityRed6

      some friends and I watched indecent proposal for fun.
      we were drunk.
      we decided what he needed to do at the end, was to take that money to a bar.

      • TundraGrifter

        That would have been a much better movie if Robert Redford had been interested in Woody Harrelson.

        • mancityRed6

          *looks at Diana Murphy*
          “here’s $10, go play the penny slots”

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        “we were drunk”

        Is there any other way to have fun?

        • mancityRed6

          “we were high”

          • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

            Rolling, tripping, freebasing…got it.

  • Jamoche
    • The Wanderer

      She’s outside the technical area! Doesn’t that rate a warning from the referee?

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      And these shits who say all Muslims are evil because Sharia law oppresses women? They’re not offended by Sharia law. They’re fucking jealous of it!

      • therblig

        rwnj co-worker just posted a video by jordan peterson, who i just googled and is apparently a canadian professor who hates “political correctness”. anyway, it’s called “why feminists love (heart) islam and hate the west”.

        i just ate, so i won’t be watching it, but i’m sure it’s the usual mgtow and islamophobic bullshit he usually posts in between gunhumping propaganda.

        • theCryptofishist

          If you’re going to go your own way, fine, go your own way. Don’t tell us all about it, and don’t hump your guns. Thank you.

          • therblig

            he bitches and moans about liberals and democrats, yet works for a liberal city in a liberal state, and benefits from belonging to a union. probably can’t imagine why he can’t get laid and why his shitty attitude prevents him from getting promoted.

            your basic rwnj asshole who one day goes postal.

      • Jamoche

        One of those irregular verbs : “they oppress women, we celebrate their role in a structured society”.

  • bluicebank

    Seriously, the only way an ex girlfriend and you put the band back together is if she looks you up. Just personal experience. If she finds out where you live, it goes well OR holy shit you better start running (50-50 odds). If YOU stalk her, it never goes well; at best, you’ve pissed her off twice; at worst, better start running.

    • mancityRed6

      there’s a reason why it ended, good lord, don’t try it again.

    • BeachBum

      Right. Every day a dozen girlfriends tell her what an asshole you were, and how smart she is for getting rid of you. You cant compete with that. At best, they cant decide, and she gives you another shot. It is 50-50.

      • bluicebank

        Not really, if you’re old enough. If you hooked up in the 1970s or 1980s, a couple of decades makes it a moot point as to why you broke up. So the second try at least for me was a dice roll. One gal reached out to me, and it was good. Another one did, and she be cray cray.

        Get old enough and maybe a nice reunion, or maybe it’s a knife fight.

        So over that. Especially the old high school flames. We’re ALL crazy at this age. lol

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    OK…gotta go play a memorial for a friend who passed away very suddenly. Shit. This is going to be a tough one. Hug the people you love while you can.

    • Parakeetist

      I am sorry.

    • mancityRed6

      do your best

    • tehbaddr

      Be strong, we all have our time, some more than others.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      That sucks. I’m so sorry to hear that.

    • BosGrl

      Much love and hugs. That really sucks.

    • CindyinEncinitas

      Take care of yourself.

    • Maclare 🍩☕

      I’m sorry for your loss.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      I’m so very sorry.

    • theCryptofishist

      *hugs alwayspunkindrublic*

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      So sorry. Hug all the ones who matter, and tell them why you love them in detail until they blush. That’s my philosophy anyway…
      I dig you because you have an awesome nym, are consistently snarky but never hurtful or unpleasant, you send good vibes to those who could use some, and you have great taste in music and Internet companions…for a start. *Hugs*

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Thank you. You’re overly generous. There are a couple of my friends you might talk to who can fill you in on my many less positive qualities.

    • redarmyzombie

      *hugs*

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

      El Dad passed away last Friday. I know how awful it is.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Oh no! I’m SO sorry. I had noticed you’d been a little scarce and was wondering what was up with you. I know from your posts that you were very fond of him…plus, he’s your dad. I hope there was a massive Irish wake that including drinking, mischief, and maybe a fight or two. Godspeed. Hang in there, Sarge…these things take a long time to fully process and grieve for. Always here if you need an ear.

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          Thank you. I’m really sorry about your friend.

          It doesn’t quite seem real to me, and then, crashingly, it does. The weather crap hasn’t made it any easier. All three of us were all supposed to fly down to Palm Beach to take care of all the awful stuff you have to do – close up his condo, talk to the funeral and grave people, etc. My sister was going to fly back home on Friday to go to her wife’s niece’s wedding, and my brother and I were supposed to stay until Sunday, but Irma had other plans. My sister backed out, afraid she wouldn’t make it back for the rehearsal dinner, and while El Bro managed to get his flight changed to Friday morning, I spent nearly 3 hours on the phone with Expedia, but couldn’t switch my ticket, so I had to cancel, which made me frantic. The only available flights were an additional $1000 and those seats were gone before I got off the phone. My poor brother had to do it all himself, but since he only had a day, he basically threw out the food in the fridge, put up the storm shutters, met with the funeral director, and left. His flight home was only 5 hours late.

          El Dad was determined not to put us through what he went through with the chaos both his mother and his third and best wife left behind them, so he pre-planned and pre-paid for all of his funeral arrangements, right down to the catering. All we had to do was pick a date for the memorial service, which will be in early October. The actual memorial will be talky but teetotal, since El Dad had been sober for 45 years and the place will be lousy with AA folks and actors, both of whom like to talk. I’m pretty sure El Bro and I will raise a glass later in the day, though, as we tell the stories and cry and laugh and yell at one another.

          It was surreal, trying to do business on the phone with people who were all like “yes, yes, that’s very sad and we’ll work out the arrangements later but I have to go now.” I tried calling the dealership he leased his car from and the phone just rang and rang – I didn’t realize, until I checked their website, that they were closed for the hurricane.

          One of the worst moments so far, though, was worrying about Mom and Stepdad and Youngest Brother in Irma’s path over on the opposite coast of Florida, and suddenly realizing there was no second call to make – I only had to worry about them now. It sucked.

          The offspring is sad, but he thought of his grandpa as old, and he said that El Dad had looked so frail when we saw him in early August that he didn’t think the day was far off. I figured he’d just shake it off… even now, it doesn’t seem real, and I suddenly understand the need for an open casket at a wake.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Thank you…that means a lot to me. Porter was a good man. I actually know his wife/widow a bit better; one of my favorite people. She is a force of nature; loud, brash, a large-and-in-charge woman physically and otherwise…built like a middle linebacker, masculine features, deep voice If you saw her, you would bet your life savings she’s gay. Also kind, thoughtful, incredibly large-hearted. Porter was her polar opposite in many ways, except for the kindness…just a sweetie-pie…a quiet, gentle, sweet, reflective man who treated her with undying love, tenderness, and respect. I don’t know if there’s another man out there who could be up to the task, but they were so affectionate and loving with one another…the happiest couple I have ever known. They lived a clean, healthy lifestyle, mid-fifties. He’d felt out of sorts for a few days, went to the hospital, and was dead three days later. Words fail.

            Oh dear. What timing, right? I thought I remembered that he was living in Fla., and I started thinking about what freakin’ nightmare everything could turn out to be, given the panic over the storm. Turns out what I imagined wasn’t nearly as bad as it really was. I’m sorry. As much as we want to be present, competent, and efficient in these situations, life, weather, finances-real things-don’t always cooperate. I hope you are someone who isn’t and won’t beat yourself up about not being able to make it down there. I’m sure your brother and the rest of the world understands. That’s incredibly thoughtful of your dad to anticipate the end and spare you and your family so much of the stress of trying to figure everything out and how to pay for it all. That’s pretty remarkable…most people prefer to remain in some state of denial about their mortality.

            I hope the your mom and the rest of the family have a port in the storm and come through safely…you’ve had enough trauma for the year. I’m glad your boy got to see him fairly recently and was aware and accepting that his time was getting close. Are you going to have the memorial in Fla. or on the Island? I hope there…crisp fall weather and surrounded by what is dear and familiar to you…absence of alcohol notwithstanding! My only advice is that a loss such as this and the grief that follows can expose and chafe at every chink and crack the surviving family structure has if you aren’t careful…people deal with sadness in different ways, and not always healthy ones. Lead the way in patience and forbearance.

            Thanks for sharing the larger story with me, and as I said, I’m always there for a cyber-shoulder if you need. I imagine it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet in real life, but I think of you as a fond and genuine friend.

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            As do I… thank you, my friend.

            Porter sounds like a lovely man… I’m sorry for you and your friend that he’s gone.

  • akryan

    He might think about the fact that at 34 years old, most women aren’t looking for a long-term relationship with an overgrown Bohemian college sophomore. I’m on the verge of a “cut your hair and get a job, hippie” comment, but FFS, if you want an adult relationship, act like an adult.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Ok so this means you are single now? I just skip on the having Dutch in you jokes but you might want to try it.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      You’d date that skeevy piano ass?

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        Well he might bring light to my Tuba act.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          If you set him on fire, yes.

          • Personal life philosophy: “if you give a man a fire, he’ll be warm for a day; if you set fire to him, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life” -Sir Pterry

  • Chris Hall

    Oh great, us Brits now have our very own Romeo Rose

  • Duke

    Four months is the danger zone. Long enough to let your heart get taken and too short to really know if that was a good idea.

    People were less accepting of the tuba.

    For a friend.

    Oh… whatever.

    • Suttree

      The tuba is a very well respected instrument in certain circles.

      • Suttree

        Ooops. I meant to add this song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9pd8VWyibA

        • Duke

          I like it!

          • Suttree

            WWOZ used to start playing this song when carnival season started. Sometimes I was so busy that I didn’t realize that the parades were about to start. If you are interested in the best New Orleans radio station. https://www.wwoz.org/

      • yyyaz

        Talk about a club that would have you but you wouldn’t join.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Brits is weird.

  • Ryan Denniston

    I do suppose it could be worse.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVk_e31dnlE

  • Ωbjectifier

    A drummer?
    Hope you worked out those self-esteem issues.

    • bbayliss

      Hey!

    • mancityRed6

      at least it wasn’t a bassist.

      • yyyaz

        or a picoloist…picolodeon?

        • mancityRed6

          don’t ever turn down anyone who plays an oral instrument.

          • SisterArtemis

            woodwinds… know what I’m sayin?

          • theCryptofishist

            Jew’s harp

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            Harmonica. I will testify and bring a back-up choir.

    • “What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?”

      “Homeless!”

  • mrFawkes

    Earlier Today
    Store employee: Sir you need to leave your backpack at the checkout.
    Me: Why?
    Employee: It is store policy.
    Me: Is your store experiencing an epidemic of backpack related shoplifting?
    Employee looks confused, repeats store policy line.
    Me: I could see turning over my backpack it this were Neiman-Marcus, but this is The Dollar Store.
    Employee: Sir, it is store policy.
    Me: Does the policy include woman turning over their handbags and purses to the counter. Some are larger than my backpack and more accessible.
    Employee: No sir.
    Me: Your policy sucks. (I walk out with my manly backpack)

    • BeachBum

      The Dollar Store here has it but doesn’t enforce it. I try to act like a crazy senile ole man anywaze.

      • theCryptofishist

        I usually get a pass–cripple-fu.

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      In all fairness, it’s not the employee’s policy, it’s his employer’s.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    This is why calling the other cunt or dick is very healthy. It starts the healing more than getting all John Mayer. Hell, It resulted in me and my ex sitting together today at my son’s swimming lesson making fun of how clever and intentionally hurtfull our whatsapp jabs the first months of our divorce were.

  • CindyinEncinitas

    Oh, mijo, go in the house and take a shower.

  • Marion in Savannah

    Since this is our open thread, allow me to drop this here. Mein Fubar really is the anti-Midas — absolutely everything he touches turns to shit.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/09/world/middleeast/trump-qatar-saudi-arabia.html

    • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

      Gee, Mr. Art of the Deal failed? Who’d a thought?

  • JMP

    http://www.theonion.com/article/romantic-comedy-behavior-gets-real-life-man-arrest-757

    Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested

    TORRANCE, CA—Denny Marzano, a 28-year-old Torrance man, was arrested Monday for engaging in the type of behavior found in romantic comedies.

    Marzano was taken into custody after violating a restraining order filed against him by Kellie Hamilton, 25, an attractive, unmarried kindergarten teacher who is new to the L.A. area. According to Hamilton, Marzano has stalked her for the past two months, spying on her, tapping her phone, serenading her with The Carpenters’ “Close To You” at her place of employment, and tricking her into boarding Caribbean-bound jets.

    Hamilton made the call to police at approximately 7:30 p.m., when she discovered that the bearded cable repairman she had let into her apartment was actually Marzano in disguise.

    “Thank God he’s in custody, and this nightmarish ordeal is finally over,” said Hamilton, a single mother struggling to raise an adorable, towheaded boy all alone in the big city. “I repeatedly told him I wasn’t interested, but he just kept resorting to crazier and crazier schemes to make me fall in love with him.”

    • Marion in Savannah

      How the fuck do you trick someone into boarding a jet?

    • TJ Barke

      Less romantic comedy, more thriller.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      Um, that doesn’t sound like any romantic comedy I’ve ever seen.

    • Lord Jim
      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        It wasn’t till Karen died that I learned they were siblings. ‘Cause Sonny and Cher were a couple I just assumed the Carpenters were, too.

    • yyyaz

      “Close to You”?!? Blechh. Why do birds suddenly appear whenever he is near? Pockets full of peanuts.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        I always wondered if the birds were vultures.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        At least go with Bread, FFS. The Carpenters are saccharine enough to rot my teeth just thinking about them.

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Fuck him. Marzano ripped off Bloom anyway.

    • OutOfOrbit

      how him trick her onto a flight ANYwhere?

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        [checks url] uh, dude? Are you now or have you ever been a Republican Congressperson?

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea
    • Marion in Savannah

      Pierce is a goddam national treasure.

    • TJ Barke

      Did they also let the climate denier spew more shit?

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        Nah, it was too hot out today. He wanted to stay in the AC.

      • Jamoche

        No, but Douchehat lays some faint praise on Ivanka.

  • yyyaz

    Dude should listen to Harry:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02lXLiFsRtE

  • mancityRed6

    I went to the cathedral that houses the original Roman baths in Bath (I know, how original)
    they are really awesome. they have rooms set up so you can see the original bricks from around 2000 years ago when the slaves would help out.
    the water still runs and it is warm, but they don’t want you to touch it. I don’t think the green color is for St Pat’s day.
    but, somewhere, on some hard drive or another, I have a picture of a copper pipe that transferred the overflow from the main pool to elsewhere. it was 2000 years old and still going strong.

    • mancityRed6

      the best part? my ex lived there for a year and walked past it every day but never went in.
      it was a first for her as much as it was for me.

    • theCryptofishist

      I went with my family when I was 8 or 9. What I remember is the to children skeletons in one coffin. Which confuses the hell out of me–weren’t Romans pyrists?

      • mancityRed6

        oh, dog, I remember that.
        I dunno if they burned their corpses or not.

        • OutOfOrbit

          i think they burned peeps they didnut like

    • DainBramage

      I visited Bath for a day way back in ’98. It was cool to see the baths and the setting of so many Jane Austen stories.

      • DainBramage

        As someone who’s lived most of his life in the Washington state, it’s strange being in a place with so much visible history. Feels like walking around in period movie.

        • theCryptofishist

          Yeah, my father was on sabbatical in Cambridge, so I have this year of living there when I was a kid, and I’ve never been content since.

    • Suttree

      My niece recently put a picture on fb of her having a beer at the copper mines in the town I used to live in Vermont. She wasn’t swimming or diving though. We used to sit on the 40 foot ledge and get stoned enough to get scared, and then take a running start and dive in. Kids these days are getting weak.

    • Ricky Gay

      So the water was warm eh? But was it… Luke warm?!

      • OutOfOrbit

        EWWWW!!!

        • Ricky Gay

          Hehe

      • mancityRed6

        steaming in the upper 60’s weather we had in June.

    • Mehmeisterjr
      • mancityRed6

        really, not even close.
        there’s a line about 2-3 feet high and everything below that is 2000 years old.
        it’s beautiful.
        I know, I know, I’m supposed to be not taking it seriously, but still. it was one of the only times that the UK ex and I could share a brand new experience since she’d seen all the stuff before.
        that and stonehenge. she had never gone there.
        I really need to get those pics off of those hard drives.

  • CindyinEncinitas
  • Mehmeisterjr

    He could start with Eric Satie’s Vexations. With all of the repeats.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vexations

  • Ωbjectifier

    The ‘Ima write her a song’ phase is usually no more than a week.

    • theCryptofishist

      He won’t last a week. Bathroom issues will stop it before then.

  • Ryan Denniston

    If you’re going to be an emotionally manipulative jerk, at least dust off some A game material.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLVq0IAzh1A

    • Ellie

      That brought memories of my youngest child’s teenage years because I do believe she played that song at least 8 hours a day. I felt quite murderous toward Sting for a time, but it wasn’t really anything objectionable, so I just turned up my…whatever I was playing at the time.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    I’d blame Reagan again, but since this is across the pond, fuck you Maggie.

  • NotDarkYet

    There once was a fellow named Luke Howard,

    Whose tiny tool wasn’t quite nuclear-powered.
    And, one day, while grabbing some ass,
    He reached critical mass–
    And soon after, his girlfriend knew their relationship had soured.

  • theCryptofishist

    I thought I’d go to the horse’s mouth on this…
    https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2017/09/some-big-news-of-our-own

  • mancityRed6
    • alpacapunchbowl

      Fuckin love Rollins

      • mancityRed6

        I still haven’t bought this album, I’m sure the money drive is over.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmR35yDU2j8&t=940s

      • mancityRed6

        and if you haven’t read “get in the van”, do it.
        it put me over the hump on my first divorce.

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          That’s one of the very best spoken word albums IMO.

          • mancityRed6

            in the book, he apologized to Kira at the end, does that happen in the spoken word?

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            Not to my recollection… But I had it as a double cassette, so I haven’t heard it for way too long. I’ll do some research and get back to you :-)

    • Ωbjectifier
      • alpacapunchbowl

        Hmm, oh dear. I have a story from when I was in college, 20-some years ago, involving my boyfriend at the time. We stayed together for a good two years after that, if it matters :)

      • bupkus231

        Hmm – interesting. That’s one of the titles which I’ve long known, but I think this is the first time I ever really heard the tune.

  • Ricky Gay

    Ain’t love grand? Er, in this case it is more of a dusty spinet.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      A greasy, discarded McDonalds napkin.

      • mancityRed6

        oh, you.
        don’t stop, I’m almost there.

    • TundraGrifter

      “Love is grand.
      “Divorce is about twenty grand.”
      ~ Kevin Thomas, KBLX

  • DainBramage
    • mancityRed6

      them and the Clinton News Network, just nothing but librul pansies.
      *spits*

    • SisterArtemis

      Merkley said we are getting funding through the Senate Appropriations committee, but who knows, given the political climate, how this will go, and what Trump will sign off on.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Aren’t big parts of Idaho and Montana also on fire? Wonder if it’s affected Yr Wonkette given half the staff live in the northwest.

      • Tishalicious

        I’m in Wonkette country…it is nightmarish here. It’s not just the mountains we can’t see due to the smoke–it’s trees on the next block! Poor PNW…

    • Ryan Denniston

      Might not be a bad idea to appeal to Jerry Brown, governor of the sixth largest economy in the world. Show Turnip how this works.

      • jowgajen

        We share firefighting resources between states over here on the left coast. I assure you there are CA crews and resources there, because we know Oregon will come when we need them too.

    • jesterpunk

      Could you imagine the reaction if Obama ignored states he didnt win during a natural disaster?

      • Suttree

        Yes. I can imagine if he did help states that didn’t vote for him. He was still a Kenyan Usurper, and that money was owed to white redneck racists. Because!!!!!

        • jesterpunk

          Well they did start blaming him for Katrina.

          • Suttree

            New Orleans has been about 2/3rds black since the 70’s white flight took place. White people love to hate on NOLA even when they are having a great time there. My old business partner/best friend would constantly shit on New Orleans and lived in Jefferson Parish. But he claimed to be from there. It was part of what he claimed inspired his oeuvre.

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          He is the grate deevidur!!1!!11!!

          • Suttree

            Why hasn’t he divided his time to have a few dozen beers with me!?

          • Up In Smoke O’hontas

            Too busy working on Deep State stuff, as usual. He’s just like our real dad, sigh.
            *goes off to play Harry Chapin*

    • Suttree

      “I don’t have any golf courses in the west. That money would be better spent where I own crappy faux rich looking shit.”

      • jesterpunk

        He has some in California.

        • Suttree

          “California doesn’t get hit by hurricanes. Believe me. They are the best at not getting hit. I told they how to do it, and they listened. The best!”

    • bubbuhh

      Must not be any Towers uv Mordor wif Trump’s name on them nearby an all teh golf courses have been evacuated.

    • Shibusa

      I read that as “Cheeto Bar Fire”…

  • OutOfOrbit

    mebbee he was thinkin “relationship” & she was just sharing tea & biscuits time

    • mancityRed6

      depends, were they jaffa cakes?

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        Off-brand hobnobs from Morrisons.

        • mancityRed6

          well, at least it’s lot Lidl

          • Résistance Land Shark Ω

            Tesco FTW!

          • mancityRed6

            oh, those thursday nights. shopping with no one around.
            how I miss them.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Waitrose or gtfo

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Four months? I have stuff in the fridge older then that. You don’t see me serenading them. Creepy.

    • Ryan Denniston

      When does one serenade mayonnaise?

      • theCryptofishist

        I’ll email Ted Cruz and get back to you.

      • DainBramage

        You’ve never made love with a piece of bread thickly coated with warm mayonnaise?

        • mancityRed6

          why does it have to come out of the jar?

          • tehbaddr

            What is this “Jar”? Mine comes in a squeeze bottle! Oh yeah I did just say that!

          • mancityRed6

            take the top off, just don’t get stuck.
            wait

        • Ryan Denniston

          Just like warm apple pie?

      • OutOfOrbit

        i swear it was miracle whip!

      • tehbaddr

        Just prior to deploying the last remnants for some tuna, or egg salad, and you know it’s past the printed best by date. Kinda like a prayer or wish to the Mayo god.

    • mancityRed6

      me and your microwave can tell a different story.

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        The microwave already told us everything. Can’t trust those fuckers anymore.

        • mancityRed6

          I walk naked in front of a half open window, fuck the world.
          don’t like it, don’t look.

    • jowgajen

      Fridge pickles are just starting to get good at 4 months.

      Besides every relationship on earth, save parent/child, is nbd for the first year.

  • bubbuhh

    Speakin uv gran gestures, super stoopit Yair, Son uv Netanyahu goes all David Duke on George Soros on Facebook today
    http://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/1.811374

    David Duke pumps on the twits in support.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/dbf0cdbf0aaec0cf8b19677189ae4cad2efb9d1462aaa9592f7464b3ad62dcbc.png

    It’s alt-right in the family.

    • mancityRed6

      isn’t Netanyahu in possible trouble?
      I seem to recall that he might be.

      • bubbuhh

        He and his wife are in Big Trouble in Little Trump soon to be in courts all over Israel. Sonny blames Soros

    • redarmyzombie

      *headdesk*
      *headdesk*
      *headdesk*

  • William
  • Ryan Denniston

    Cool NYTimes video. Cassini burns up in orbit of Saturn in a week. I was a teenager when it launched and still remember it (and Galileo).

    https://www.nytimes.com/video/science/100000005343498/cassini-burns-into-saturn.html

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

    As a former musician, I used to date fellow musicians, and once a guy I went out with a couple of times and then had had enough of his assholery and dumped, stood under my window at night, singing and serenading me noisily for several days on end. IT IS STALKING. This guy should be arrested. Whimsy doesn’t take away from the loathsome entitled power-move that it is.

  • Grokenstein

    grand gestures that seem super romantic in movies are actually horrifying in person. Literally anything John Cusack has ever done in any movie will get you a well-deserved restraining order.

    I feel like there should be PSAs to this effect, to counter decades of Hollywood telling impressionable children that forcing yourself is Manly and will win the heart of your desire. (Maybe John Cusack would be interested? C’mon, John, it’d be work!)

    Also, Jumbotron wedding proposals and other events designed to make her feel public pressure into complying. To me, those things are deafening warning klaxons shrieking RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

    • BosGrl

      Yes. Guys, unless you are absolutely sure of the answer AND you know she likes that kind of thing, please don’t use the Jumbotron to propose.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        The trick is to use the Jumbotron to beg for anal. Crowd goes wild.

        • BloviateMe

          Genius.

        • Shanzgood

          if you have to beg…

          • BloviateMe

            I thought that was “foreplay.”

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            I meant “as a woman”

          • Shanzgood

            Hahaha! Yes, because we’re known for having to beg for all kinds of sex.

          • redarmyzombie

            Look, if we can’t have a bit of pity anal from time to time, then I don’t know what this world’s coming to…

    • Shanzgood

      My ex did a thing like that in front of a group of mutual friends. I wanted to DIE RIGHT THERE. I should have known better than to stay with him. Grand gestures are for shit when you can’t manage day to day decency.

    • bubbuhh

      I have been reliably informed (did a ackshull scientific survey in fact) that most wimmens like the idear of a jumbotron in their romantic lifes in theory, but find jumbotrons very painful in their ackshul persons.

      PS Ladies and Ghey Laddies, mens mostly react like to Basic Instinct if someone pressures a jumbotron on them.

      So, mostly NO TO ROMANTIC JUMBOTRONZ wifout prior discussions

    • redarmyzombie

      A professor of mine inadvertently did that once. He was with his then-fiancee out in one of the historic areas of San Francisco when he proposed, not realizing that a group of Midwestern tourists had come up behind them until one of them shouted “Look at that fat man proposin’!”

      His SO very quickly dragged him to a more secluded area where they wouldn’t be so rudely interrupted.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea
    • Lumpy Tapioca

      Is that Hunt Sales? Where’s Bowie?

  • janecita

    OT, did any of you get the free month of Amazon Prime, just so you could watch The Tick?

    • mancityRed6

      dammit

      • janecita

        What?

        • mancityRed6

          I’ve tried the prime twice and there wasn’t anything on it that I wanted to watch that I didn’t have to pay for. now you’re telling me the tick is on there.
          dammit.

    • OutOfOrbit

      not even a clue about that

    • tehbaddr

      Now you tell me! SPOON!

    • bubbuhh

      I do Prime cuz cheap, but I never have watched any uv their fillums or teevees. Mebbe, I’ll watch one when the power goes out tomorrow.

      • bupkus231

        Hmmm – there’s something wrong with that statement, I just can’t figure out what it is….

      • janecita

        Watch American Gods.

        • willi0000000

          better yet, read the book.

          [ i can’t find my copy . . . looks like i’ll have to buy another one . . . again ]

          • janecita

            I love the book! I love all of his books, Neverwhere is my favorite.

      • Courser_Resistance

        None of their stuff really appeals to me, no matter how much other folks tell me I’ll love this or that. I guess I’m really picky.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    One time I was having dinner at a restaurant in Paris a guy turned up in the street outside with a mariachi band to serenade a woman who presumably had sent him packing. She didn’t open the door, but a neighbour who happened to be coming out of the building probably got quite a shock when she was greeted by a cheering crowd as she opened the door. Eventually the guy abandoned the attempt and went home, but just as I happened to be passing the same way the next day, he and the band were back. This time, the woman let him inside. I’ve wondered ever since whether it was to tell him to stop that bloody noise and quit pestering her, or if his tactic really worked. If it did, she must really love mariachi bands.

    • BosGrl

      Anyone here watch “As Time Goes By”? Reminds me of Alistair trying to get Judith back.

  • PigDootsMolloy
    • gallbladder

      Can I get a martini, please?

  • Jgb979

    You could REALLY show her how much you loved her if you promised to play piano AND hold your breath till she took you back….

    • jesterpunk

      Underwater.

    • tehbaddr

      Not Blobfish!

    • mancityRed6

      turning blue just turns her on, keep going.

  • mancityRed6

    a year ago, these two songs set me off, they still do
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIycEe59Auc
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hgVeNjYiGo
    yeah, I know.

    • bupkus231

      America – the first “rock” concert I ever went to, back in 1974, Wild and crazy times…..

      • mancityRed6

        March of that year, early on, I was born.
        yeah.

        • Courser_Resistance

          Wow, I graduated from high school in 1976! I loved America and went to 3 or 4 of their concerts over the years.

          • mancityRed6

            I was 2. yeah. sorry, but there’s a damn spider crawling up the door now.
            forgive me if I scream like a little girl.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    Live webcam of southern point and downtown Miami:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYW-xr-fpZ0

    • OutOfOrbit

      TWC is adding tornadoes to surf surge. FUCK!!!

      • Rachel Book Harlot

        Yikes!!

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        How long before it’s sharknado?

        • OutOfOrbit

          that mebbee realy could sort-a happen! kind-a

        • OutOfOrbit

          thay gonna be some pissed off sharks in town tonight

        • Ωbjectifier

          Gatorcane!
          Huricroc!

          • OutOfOrbit

            and gators are all terrain critters!

      • Courser_Resistance

        Because of course… Shit.

        Spoke both to my buddy who just got back from Houston last night and another who may go to FL on Weds as part of an Incident Management Team. He and I chatted about it at length, particularly since I’m available to deploy as well. Right now, I don’t have a team to deploy with and I have a good skill set. BUT I have never even been to any of the southern states and I’m a cold-weather girl. I hate heat & humidity and he reminded me that the mosquito problem is going to fucking explode with all the water that will be lying around. Mosquitoes only need maybe 48 hours to breed & hatch. I’ve decided not to go, at least not in the immediate aftermath and he’s not sure he’s going to go either. He was supposed to leave today and has another opportunity to go on Weds.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          big thing about the heat is hydration…hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

          Drink twice as much water (I SAID WATER YOU DRUNKS!) as you think you might need.

          And know the signs of dehydration.
          I’ve had it a few times (i’m convinced Im’ sort of always dehydrated).

        • OutOfOrbit

          no one will hold it against you, i pinky-promise

          • Courser_Resistance

            Thanks, I appreciate it. A lot of it is that while I have a lot of applicable training, my SAR team & I have no experience with this type of event or the attendant risks. Both my buddies have lived in the Texas and/or Florida so they have an understanding of what’s involved. And it’s NOT the time for on-the-job-training. It’s simply an extremely dangerous environment we’ve never trained in.

          • OutOfOrbit

            you can not personally save the whole world! it is ok to take break and this is a good time — help will be needed for years to come and it will be just as gnarly then as now

        • willi0000000

          with mosquitoes getting ready to breed like mad, it’s good the CDC has lifted the Zika advisory for Miami/Dade . . . no new cases in over a month . . . hope it holds.

          • Courser_Resistance

            Florida-buddy & I discussed Zika. Granted both he and I are sort of worst-case-scenario-types (which is why we NEVER do team planning together), but there have been some other nasties brewing in Central & South America in places. Consider all the nooks and crannies all this water will get into and how long it’s taking to dry up. Infrastructure will be completely thrashed and trashed. I’m afraid Florida’s going back to being a fetid swamp for at least several months.

          • willi0000000

            Florida, in it’s natural unairconditioned state, was never meant for human habitation anyway.

    • mancityRed6

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYEXQdUFha8
      this is not the webcam the cats are watching.

  • https://i.imgflip.com/1vl9ai.jpg

    And learn how to play football

  • DainBramage
    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Willful stupidity is the worst kind.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        …and doing it just to pander for votes.

        • jowgajen

          That’s the old republicans, New republicans actually believe their bullshit.

          • OutOfOrbit

            ain’t that sumthin?

          • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

            Ah, yes. Our VP now comes to mind.

      • akryan

        what’s really shitty about it, is that it’s a selfish ignorance. it’s part of the ignorance that dismisses the science that saves lives, because you know you’ll be fine no matter what.

    • akryan

      I wonder what party he’s in

    • tehbaddr

      The Stupid, it Burns! And then, I think of the bipedal hominids that elected him.

      • Grokenstein

        Man, I wish stupid burned. Then maybe there wouldn’t be so many damned sources of it everywhere.

        • Not Flat – ROUND!

          If it did, Trumpy’s head would burst into flame.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Oh, then I guess we’ll just ignore the 80,000 year old Quaking Aspen clonal colony in Utah.

      Wisconsin: you own this shit, get rid of these assholes. Start with Walker.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Also, cutting taxes increases revenue. It’s the great thing about religion — it tells you who the rubes are.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Until this issue is relevant to anything, I encourage you all to stay calm. This moran can believe whatever he wants. When it starts fucking with traffic, that’s when to get angry.

      • Left Coast Tom

        What if it fucks with whether a legislature does, or does not, support its own state universities? Because, that seems to be a problem in Wisconsin as well.

      • DainBramage

        The problem is that it shows that he is not connected to reality and will legislate accordingly.

      • Suttree

        I would imagine that local sales of rotten tomatoes have gone up.Maybe he is a boon to the local agricultural economy.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Then there is the … yes it is 6000 years old. And also too another 3.5 billion.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      But. If that’s true. He should be murdering all sorts of apostates. Or he’s one too. Pussy Christian.

    • Suttree

      Ok fine. You are no longer allowed to enjoy anything older than 6,000 years. No agriculture. No herding anermals. No bronze. Help yourself fuckface. I have an island to sell you in the Pacific. Please take all of your friends with you.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      You are a fucked-up stoopit ignorant cretinous piece of shit white trash dumbass. That’s a fact.

      I just can’t even

    • Master Contrail Program

      I’m not sure I trust a guy whose official campaign photo looks like he’s soaked with sweat.

      • Suttree

        He just finished bible study with the kids.

    • Grokenstein

      “And what evidence do you base this ‘fact’ on, sir?”
      “Faith!!”

    • Not Flat – ROUND!

      Ok, new rule – no one can run for ANY office unless they can answer these 3 questions correctly.

      1) Is the Earth round or flat?
      2) How old is the Earth?
      3) Can prayer stop hurricanes/tornadoes?

      Separation of church and state you pathetic fools!

    • Dazza

      But…but…Aboriginal people have been living in Australia for 60,000 years.

      http://www.abc.net.au/news/science/2017-07-20/aboriginal-shelter-pushes-human-history-back-to-65,000-years/8719314

  • BloviateMe

    Finally got around to watching the video of this dork. Wow. “If I get arrested, I’ll still be here.”

    Yeah, that’s not really the way being arrested works. No wonder she dumped you, dipshit. I’m a straight guy, but I’d be willing to date you just for the chance to dump you.

  • mancityRed6

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EikksYFOd_8
    to you, and you know who you are.

    • tehbaddr

      And here I was thinking, you never really cared.

      • mancityRed6

        I can’t quit you

        • OutOfOrbit

          get a room, ladies

          • mancityRed6

            why, do you wanna watch?
            don’t be shy.

          • OutOfOrbit

            do you like to watch the watcher while the watcher watches?

          • mancityRed6

            that is so fucking meta

          • tehbaddr

            Umm, we are manly men, what like the ladies! Yes indeed!

  • jowgajen
    • gallbladder

      Fuckin’ compassion right there.

      • jowgajen

        It’s a 24 hour+ drive! But they were probably already in Houston.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Half way there.

    • Bananas Foster

      This while LA is burning.

      That’s stepping up.

      • jowgajen

        Eh we got that mostly handled…. The truck says swift water rescue on the side.

        • Bananas Foster

          I think a lot of those guys are trained in multiple rescue scenarios.

          • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

            They are, but swift water rescues are some of the most dangerous firefighter activities.

      • OutOfOrbit

        1 – track mind here i forgetted all about the fires!

        • OutOfOrbit

          and the Pooty-tRumpets thing

      • tehbaddr

        Heh, boat’s won’t work well in the Inferno.

    • Red Richmond

      The hotel I work at has a group of firefighters from Colorado stay with us last night before shipping on out to help with one of the fires in the area (not sure which, throw a dart at a map and you’ll hit one). Respect doesn’t even begin to cover it.

  • ltmcdies

    Extreme, yes. Kind a immature definately. Likely to work…. no.

    But considering the previous article features a man smacking a girl in the head with claw hammer 40 times, I’m not sure what to think here

    Guy’s out among witnesses with both hands occupied on a keyboard.

    As long as the former girl friend steers clear, this guy is basically busking a protest

    With any luck it will rain

  • Duke
  • Suttree

    So I usually buy Crystal Hot Sauce because it is rather mild and has a lot of flavor. Every once in a while I get a bottle that is about 10 times hotter. It doesn’t bother me but it is always a bit surprising to have Serrano type heat when you weren’t expecting it.

    • jowgajen

      Can I recommend cholula, if you like garlic. That stuff is life changing.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        And it has a nice smoky hint, as well.

      • Suttree

        And it has a happy cap on it. I really like it for reasons besides the wooden cap.

        • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

          Plus a pretty Senorita on the label.

          • Suttree

            Melindas also to.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I order Cholula by the jug from amazon.

        • jowgajen

          I just reordered! Chili garlic is my poison, but all the flavors are yummy. We have a running joke in our house about whether it’s possible to use too much cholula. So far the too much state has not been achieved.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Too much Cholula to me means that I’ve run out of money to buy more.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        cholulua can be good on popcorn, but it’s not my thing – too sweet or saucy or something.

    • tehbaddr

      Dave’s Insanity never fails to deliver.

      • Suttree

        I used to go with crazy hot. Habaneros in everything. That was about 12 years ago when I quit drinking. I needed some way to get high! And I had someone to enjoy deathly spice with. Because it is more fun to do it with someone else.

      • eggs ackly-wright

        One tiny dab of that shit and I was considering a run to the ER.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Don’t worry about your possessions and just get out of the way advises the man who would probably dive into cooling tank for nuclear fuel rods if any of his gold-plated tat was at risk. https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/906634384702291968

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      As if he wrote that tweet himself.

    • Ryan Denniston

      No doubt Mar-A-Lago is safe and open for bidness.

    • jowgajen

      Nah he’d send you to do it and then not pay your invoice.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Heed ALL instructions from the government. That FUCKER. So he can murder the evil government beast. That fuck.

    • BosGrl

      “I ask everyone” – can he not send a tweet that involves himself? Ever?

      • gallbladder

        No. Not ever.

      • jowgajen

        I hate to defend the guy, but to be fair self centered comments is what Twitter is for.

    • gallbladder

      “Fantastic.” FUCK YOU, Drumpf.

    • SayItWithWookies

      “Except Rush Limbaugh, who knows better. Get back to fucking Palm Beach, Rush.”

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      That must not have been Trump doing the tweeting. It wasn’t all about him. Except, for the “I ask” part, anyway.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Damn! No exclamation point! This must be serious!

      Or Kelly’s writing his tweets now too.

    • Jamoche
    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      I wouldn’t follow any instructions from you, motherfucker!

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        Whoops. *daughterfucker.

    • h4rr4r

      People regularly dive in spent rod cooling ponds, as a job. Just don’t go too deep.

      Water is such a good shield that you can swim in the top of a cooling pond and get less radiation exposure than where ever you are now assuming you aren’t currently swimming.

      https://what-if.xkcd.com/29/

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        I remember standing on top of an experimental reactor at Lawrence Livermore. The floor was plexiglass so you can see down into the water around the core. The blue Cherenkov radiation down there was really eerie. Had there been no water there, we would have been killed in a matter of seconds.

        • h4rr4r

          So cool!

          Seeing something like that is on my bucket list.

  • NotALiar

    I’ve always wished big grand gestures like in the movies were real. I live in a college town so naturally I’ve witnessed one or two Grand Gestures. They are sooo cringy and embarrassing in real life. Oh and FUCK AUSTERITY!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      In the ear. With an icepick.

    • mancityRed6

      true story: the house next door was always college kids.
      always.
      the ex and I came home buzzed one night and continued out on the patio, drinking and internet radio. even with the light rain,
      I pulled up Chili Peppers, “Naked in the Rain” and proceeded to do so.
      it wasn’t until I ran out in the back yard as such that the giggling next door started.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    A Latino kid just delivered our food. He apologized for being late, but he was hit by a car. Some of our order may be scrambled. My first reaction was are you OK. My second was imagine if an American kid was hit. He’d be head for the hospital while his parents were contacting their lawyer.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Quick, sue the restaurant.

      • mancityRed6

        don’t be so hasty, was the food on time or not?
        sue the driver.

        • SDGeoff3

          I would.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        That also, too. We didn’t get an order of fried rice! Emotional distress and abandonment.

    • jowgajen

      Is he ok?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        I hope so. He showed me his elbow which looked OK. Hope for young bones.

    • NotALiar

      Was he ok?

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Not sure. He showed me his elbow, which looked OK, but who knows?

    • h4rr4r

      I doubt that, the American kid would have been in shock too and done the same thing.

  • NotALiar

    4 MONTHS YOU GUYS THIS WAS SERIOUS

    • Daniel

      It was just one of those May to September things.

      • gallbladder

        Just one of those crazy fabulous things..

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      That’s 16 week-a-versaries!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        16 fruit fly years.

        • theCryptofishist

          Can I get that in Scaramooches?

          • Beanz&Berryz

            8 generations

          • theCryptofishist

            ta.

    • tehbaddr

      I think he needs a bit more experience, and maybe some practice!

    • mancityRed6

      Oh, I know. I’ve given out custom personalized bracelets for less than that.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Being dumped after four months? That would’ve torn me up — not when I was 34, of course, but twenty-two? Sure.

      • mancityRed6

        so, what are you doing next weekend?

  • WomanInThePersistence

    So is this a good place to post sad break-up type music?

    https://youtu.be/RGAVSCm8WfY

  • DainBramage

    Here’s how to deal with guys like Luke.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8V_hCqO6UQs

  • Ryan Denniston

    This headline is priceless. “Unpredictable.”

    ‘Trump betrays everyone’: The president has a long record as an unpredictable ally

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-betrays-everyone-the-president-has-a-long-record-as-an-unpredictable-ally/2017/09/08/9cf64768-94a8-11e7-89fa-bb822a46da5b_story.html?utm_term=.53ab3f8cb3d9

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    CNN reporting a tornado in broward county (ft. lauderdale area).

  • mancityRed6
    • WomanInThePersistence

      My browser doesn’t like this link, unfortunately.

      • mancityRed6

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFeoLfbzrZc
        if this one doesn’t work, let me know and I’ll come sing it to you direct.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Looks like you are coming to Portland.

          • mancityRed6

            wahoo!

          • WomanInThePersistence

            For you, I’ll even tidy up the place.

          • mancityRed6

            don’t you dare

  • mancityRed6
    • gallbladder

      I’m in sorry need of sideburns. That and a Squidbillies binge watch.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    This is a Dr. Rachel Needle. How’s that for a name.

  • Jamoche
    • mancityRed6

      that was the thing, this asshat on a radio show this week was all “why didn’t they leave earlier?”
      and there is little to no job safety if they do evacuate.

    • gallbladder

      Pepperoni before preparation!

    • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

      A responsibility and commitment to our community to be there when they need us? You sell pizza, FFS! You’re not a goddamn hospital! And your number one priority is the safety and security of your team? Every word written after that statement shows that, clearly, money is your number one priority.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      What a fucking assholish thing to write. Jfc.

      • gallbladder

        Breadsticks with that?

    • Catstro

      I’ve worked retail and food service in a right to work state, and I would bet all my Ameros that this memo is posted in more places than Pizza Hut. Shit, I got written up at Whole Foods because I went to my grandpa’s funeral even though I couldn’t get anyone to cover my shift, and Whole Foods was supposed to be some wonderful retail workers’ paradise. Right to work fucking sucks. Fuck Pizza Hut and every other workplace that expects desperate people to risk their lives over a job that doesn’t even pay a living wage.

      • theCryptofishist

        Just a dying one…

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Whole Foods a retail workers paradise? I work in retail, and that is definately not the word on the street. I bet it will get even crappier now that Amazon owns it.

        • theCryptofishist

          Bezos hates workers.

        • Catstro

          It supposedly was when I worked there. Benefits and profit sharing for part-time hourly workers, which in retail in NC was unheard of, especially during the height of the recession. They forced me into a “voluntary” termination when I developed carpal tunnel syndrome, riiiiight before those benefits and profit sharing were about to kick in.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            They sound nice.

    • NotDarkYet

      Grrrrrrr … I’m beginning to feel really really stabby…

      “you must return within 72 hours” — what an asshole (and sometimes IMPOSSIBLE) thing to demand. In some neighborhoods, you’d have to swim to make it back in that time frame.

      I am trying very hard right now to NOT wish some god-awful predicament to befall whoever wrote this … and I am failing.

      • bupkus231

        I agree this is fucked up, but it doesn’t say WHERE in FL this is. Could it be in one of the inland areas, where the affects of the storm are unlikely to linger?

        I mean, yeah, it’s a fuckin’ pizza place, not a hospital or other “essential service” – but it ain’t all that unusual…

        • NotDarkYet

          True dat.

          BUT: I’m imagining the huuuuge clusterfuck on the roads once the hurricane has left the state; between the crap on the roads, the torn up condition of same, and all the people trying to come back — it may take someone 72 hours to travel 10 miles.

          Right now, it looks like the entire state is gonna experience hurricane conditions. And to add to people’s misery by putting these conditions on someone’s continued employment feels really dickish to me.

    • bupkus231

      I’m in Central Florida ( NW of Orlando ). This morning, I visited our local CVS pharmacy – they had signs saying they would close at 6PM tonight ( Saturday ), and be closed Sunday.

      TS force winds aren’t supposed to arrive here until Sunday afternoon – and the hurricane force winds overnight, through most of Monday. I suppose they just didn’t post signs for any longer period, but I certainly hope they don’t expect workers to come in Monday morning….

      • WomanInThePersistence

        You will be safe? Damn, I had no idea we had so many Floridians Wonkers.

        • bupkus231

          I’m pretty sure we’ll be safe – but I’m new in Florida, this will be my first full hurricane ( I was here for Matthew, last fall, but that stayed on the east coast, and here, we barely got TS force winds ).

          We’re not in a low-lying area, and the house is site-built ( after Andrew, with the stronger building codes ), and without either large expanses of glass nor vulnerable. dangerous trees nearby – so I think we’ll be okay. I survived a brush with an F5 tornado in Maryland, back in 2004, so I ain’t all THAT anxious about this hurricane. It was pretty scary 48 hours ago, when the NHC tracks showed Irma coming directly over us – I suppose passing to our west is not that much better, but it looks like we’ll avoid the eyewall.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            I know nothing of hurricanes either. I just hope you have enough supplies to last. Stay safe, and check in now and then.

          • bupkus231

            There ya go – if we fucked up, it’s having enough supplies for an extended power outage. All underground utilities in the immediate area, and no history of extended outages, but…

            OTOH, we’re within ( my ) walking distance of potential relief. should we run out…

          • willi0000000

            the right side (as it travels) is the wet side of a hurricane . . . sounds like you’re on it.

    • Red Richmond

      In the event of an evacuation, you MUST return within 72 HOURS

      That party amazes me too. You fuckers even think there’s going to be something to return to in 72 hours? Will people be ordering pizzas? Will there be electricity for the ovens or computers? Go fuck yourself right off into the surf Pizza Hut.

      • Jamoche

        And it took one of the wonketteers here 26 hours to get from Florida to NC – coming back, with the roads fucked up? Forget it.

    • Master Contrail Program

      I’m in Tampa. When I went out around 3:30pm the only places open were WaWa, McDonalds, and oddly(?)not oddly(?)enough, Chic-Fil-A.

    • amrak63

      So the management weasels of Pizza Hovel (h/t to an Arkanshire columnist named Richard Allin) think their minimum wage and crappy benefits are worth risking one’s life for?

      Dear management weasels:

      https://i.imgur.com/m8RWNT3.jpg

    • Master Contrail Program

      Well, Pizza Hut claimed to be “Making It Great” long before Trump had the idea. This seems to fit the theme.

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      That’s disgusting.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      I like the bit about after the storm all TM’s (presumably team members) must be on-hand to help clean up the storm-ravaged store and serve the community. Serve them pizza? I’m sure that’s gonna be a top priority for “the community.” And not like people might need to stay with their own homes and families to deal with their own storm-related issues or anything.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        And of course people whose homes have been destroyed will have cash on hand for crappy pizza.

        • Martini Ambassador 🍸

          Well they would if their priorities were in order. Sheesh, gotta plan ahead for the Noid. (I don’t remember, was “the Noid” a a Pizza Hut thing or one of those other crappy chains?)

      • Jamoche

        The Houston-area pizza place (might even have been a Pizza Hut) that baked up everything in the shop and then paddled around handing out pizzas – they were “serving the community”. These assholes? You know they’re gonna charge extra.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    Just keeping with the theme.

    https://youtu.be/2C5WUSAspgk

  • mancityRed6

    two of the three key west cams listed way earlier on another thread are out.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey Luke, do you take requests? Play a mile away.

  • Picabo
    • Boojum

      Where’s Mar a Lago?

      • bupkus231

        Palm Beach is just about at the bulge on the east coast, right across from those northern Bahamanian islands. Certainly doesn’t look like it’s getting too much precip at the moment of that map – but that doesn’t say anything about winds or storm surge.

        Keep your hopes up!

        • h4rr4r

          I hope Mar a Lago is spared. You know it is not Trumps buddies hanging out there now, nope just poor foriegn workers sheltering in place

          • P’jama Pahnts

            Yeah, plus it would be tacky to wish damage on anyone’s property, even his.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Seventh circle of hell, last I checked.

      • Ryan Denniston

        East of Florida peninsula … :(

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      It’s all fine. Noted storm expert “Wolf Tracker” said it will continue to move east and end up in the gulf.

      I’m not sure about his directional skills, but it seemed legit.

      • OutOfOrbit

        he may not have a wick in his candle

        • gallbladder

          Nor wax.

          • OutOfOrbit

            Nor wax? can i use that on floors?

          • willi0000000

            or salads?

          • OutOfOrbit

            mustascheos?

        • Msgr_MΩment

          His candle blew out long before his legend ever did.

      • h4rr4r

        I am no cartographer but uh, East is the other way yo.

      • Ωbjectifier

        Something to do with bowling.

        • FukuiSanYesOta

          That’s what sold me on his theory.

          • Suttree

            Ha! In this thread? I really want to read it. Where at?

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            One of the previous ones. The one about the crazy lady with the hurricane stick, I think.

          • Suttree

            Dude, I was sweating at work all day long. I unfortunately have seen no other thread than this one. :)

        • Resistance Fighter Astraea

          bowing and science.

          • Resistance Fighter Astraea

            *bowling

      • Suttree

        Hehe! He is an annoying fuck. I haven’t seen the latest of his horseshit though. I can only hope that The Confederate Army won’t be racist while they explain to people why they should kill people in the name of slavery.

        • h4rr4r

          I was reading your comment and I think I had a stroke. No, not touching myself, I mean my brain broke.

          WTF?

          • WomanInThePersistence

            He introduced himself by arguing that a person in full Confederate drag was simply defending history.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Mr. Tracker has some idiosyncratic ideas.

          • Suttree

            Pretty much. He apparently has roots in the south and tries to defend the Confederate Army. I will not repeat his bullshit.

          • h4rr4r

            I am sorry to have caused you to even dream of doing so. I just had to express my total confusion.

          • Suttree

            Dok almost banned him first day here just for annoyance factor. He isn’t harmful unless you try to talk to him. But mostly fuck him.

          • h4rr4r

            Oh, I have made that mistake.

            Let’s just say statistics are not his strong suit.

      • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

        That is a loooong ways east!

        • h4rr4r

          I don’t think Irma will fit through the canal.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Hope he isn’t thinking about changing his day job. If he has one, that is.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      An old friend moved to Tampa several years ago. Rather than evacuate she and some friends held a prayer vigil to ask god to send the hurricane away. Ugh.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        oy vey

  • mancityRed6

    oh, and this
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MW-dR45c2Q
    “120 minutes”? how old is this?

  • Boojum

    Bipolar disorder is a serious thing. This guy is just a narcissist.

  • Jamoche
    • Suttree

      These really seem to be great people from what I have read.

    • Bill D. Burger

      My heroes!

      I would send a thank you note, but Satan has a restraining order against me.
      Bummer!

  • Count Awesome

    The lady gymnast that threw her poop out of a window and then got stuck trying to retrieve has a better love life than this guy.

    • Suttree

      Wait what!? I just started a new job and have been missing out on the news! Link of thrown poop please!

    • OutOfOrbit

      say whut?!

    • mancityRed6

      Bristol.
      you know what they do in the bathrooms of Bristol nightclubs? they spray WD-40 on the toilet tanks so anyone who puts a line of coke down just makes a mess.
      oh, and look up Bristol Cities in cockney speak.

      • Count Awesome

        This was a tinder date in the UK that went horribly wrong. The two actually had a second date.

      • h4rr4r

        Around here they use Vaseline.

        • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

          We use water based lubricant.

          • h4rr4r

            Cheaper? Easier?

            Any real reason?

          • The Militant Homosexual Agenda

            Won’t break the condom. But I think we’re talking about different uses.

          • h4rr4r

            This is one advantage of being married.

            Like a raincoat in a shower.

  • Suttree

    I am trying to figure out where he got the materials for his signs. The tombstone appears to be wood, but the fb page thingy looks like metal.

    • theCryptofishist

      I thought maybe he wrote on the side of the piano.

    • mancityRed6

      he’s an ass and you don’t need to think about him, just like she is.

  • mancityRed6
  • theCryptofishist

    So, are the neighbors going to band together and get him an inflatable girlfriend. (They aren’t going to pay for a Real Doll, that’s for sure.)

    • SayItWithWookies

      I’ll chip in for piano lessons.

  • Panika MCD

    just going to put this out there:

    if you’re going to pull a John Cusack with me, you’d best have 3 months worth of pet food (the kind I use), a weeks worth of Torchy’s tacos (the kinds I like with loads of poblano sauce), a BookPeople or HalfPriced Books gift card, a case of Shiner Bock, and a bottle of bourbon. just sayin’.

    • mancityRed6

      aww, so no whataburger?

      • Panika MCD

        not a Whataburger gal…and definitely nothing from Buc-ee’s!

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          And nothing from the Popeye Organization, either!

          • mancityRed6

            you have made a life long enemy, my good sir.

          • Panika MCD

            nah, Popeye’s is fine if you know my order. Buc-ee’s supports Dan Patrick.

          • Count Awesome

            Popeye’s should make a special limited time only hush-puppy marketed as a “Shut The Fuck Up Ben”.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Yeah, my “Shut The Fuck Up and Go Back To Sleep, Ben”, is rather long.

        • mancityRed6

          what if, just what if, I read bukowski poems to you in the drive thru?

          • Panika MCD

            fuck a whole lot of Bukowski. he’s a starter poet and not one of mine.

          • mancityRed6

            um…Hubert Selby Jr?

          • Panika MCD

            no.

          • mancityRed6

            ok, at least I have my whiskey.

          • Panika MCD

            ahem!

          • mancityRed6

            hey, everyone has their limits, you just met mine.

          • Panika MCD

            the bourbon is for me!

          • mancityRed6

            I have Popeyes, Fire station subs, taco via (used to be villa), five guys, and at least one liquor store.
            what kind of bourbon?

          • Panika MCD

            THUNDERCLOUD SUBS OR GTFO!

          • mancityRed6

            come back when you’re sober.

          • Panika MCD

            if you don’t know who my starter poets are, you have no business pulling a John Cusack on me!

          • mancityRed6

            so I’ll stand outside with Black Sabbath, vol 4 on a stereo?

          • Panika MCD

            must have all items on the list.

          • mancityRed6

            umm, I can’t do anything without the list.

          • Panika MCD

            how do you not see the list?

          • mancityRed6

            shit, sorry, my eyes again.
            post for me?

          • Panika MCD

            look at my first non-comment on this thread.

          • mancityRed6

            you’re asking a lot.

          • Panika MCD

            if you’re going to John Cusack, you’d best be able to bring a lot.

          • mancityRed6

            I brought up BBQ and you said no.
            I’m at a loss.
            *stands outside with Beethoven’s 9th on a boombox*

          • Panika MCD

            you keep offering anything but what is on the list if you are going to pull a John or Joan Cusack.

          • mancityRed6

            your choice?

          • mancityRed6

            where is the list? it’s not on your web page.

          • Panika MCD

            fail better.

          • mancityRed6

            sometimes, I just

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            You like getting thrown out of car windows while in motion?

          • mancityRed6

            makes for the best youtube views.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Well, there’s that, I guess.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        Panika is a heathen about it (no seriously, they actually do have better burgers there than wahtaburger…my area, not so much)
        https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5e3e3019f4cf5cf4668216a7d4c1c789b7f28f0877b09803edd5806e5e53297b.jpg

        • Panika MCD

          P. Terry’s! (Calliope Jane said she would like me to add french fries or french fry pies to the list.)

          • mancityRed6

            there used to be good local burgers, but Nevada is far from here.

        • mancityRed6

          not in my area either.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Even Phoenix has better local burgers than whatthefuckaburgers does.

          • mancityRed6

            count your blessings

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            1…1…1…, oh fuck it!

          • willi0000000

            c’mon, one-in-a-row ain’t so bad.

            [ i mean, it’s not as bad as . . . er . . . uh . . . sorry, got nothin ]

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Best to quit when you are just where you are.

          • willi0000000

            fortunately, no matter where you go…

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            libelz!
            I’ve been to phoenix.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            You have? I’m so sorry.

          • mancityRed6

            I have, but just to the airport doesn’t count.

        • mancityRed6

          https://www.yelp.com/biz/white-grill-nevada
          we had choices at one time, and the white grill was the one we didn’t go to.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      What about the cake we like?

      • Panika MCD

        if you want those cakes we like, you’d best bring what you want.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Okay. On my list.

        • gallbladder

          Seems that way.

      • Parakeetist

        Mmm, chocolate.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          But not “Beautiful Chocolate Cake”, That orange guy ruined that one.

    • gallbladder

      Emphasis on the bourbon.

      • Panika MCD

        emphasis on all of it, Katie!

    • mancityRed6

      so, Lone Star is a no?
      a hard no?

      • Panika MCD

        Foam Star is fine if we’re camping, but you’re setting up my tent.

        • mancityRed6

          whipaow.
          make it hurt so good.

          • Panika MCD

            you haven’t seen my tent set up either. the tent itself is the easy part.

          • mancityRed6

            you tease, you

    • mancityRed6

      if I had a grill still, I’d make you some damn good ribs.

      • Panika MCD

        not on the list.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        The first thing I thought when I read “grill still” is WTF kind of moonshine you could make with one.

        • mancityRed6

          I know a frozen pizza that is damn good on the grill. they even give you directions on their website.

  • mancityRed6

    don’t like the Pixies?
    listen to an expert on them
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7VhNjZXALU&t=1s

    • Parakeetist

      They fucking rule. Bowie does too.

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      that’s a great documentary, if it’s the one i’m thinking of, Loud Then Soft, I think it’s called.

  • To be unfair, all keyboard players are like that.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Well, at least it wasn’t an accordion….

  • Bill D. Burger
    • gallbladder

      The way piano was MEANT to be played.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        With a bread roll bass line?

  • Juan de Fuca

    Anyone ever notice how 30 yr old homeless looking dudes who hang out in public parks playing their piano all day always have the best hair?

  • Michael R
    • gallbladder

      More bleached-tooth grinning, cheap analogue synth…oh, and porn stache! Goddamn you Michael R!

      I watched this twice.

    • RobespierreHoo

      Can we have an understanding that no Wonkette of any age, race or religon (or irreligin) ever posts “Muskrat Love”, or any other opus by those musical geniuses ? Please,Sir, In the Name of God!

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Next up, The Carpenters.

        • RobespierreHoo

          And you just heard “Knock Three Times” by the diamonds of Rock. Request line is open at 555.379-2101 at Eat Me 78.9.

        • Jonny On Maui

          You MONSTER!!1!

        • WomanInThePersistence

          That’s just mean.

    • Msgr_MΩment
    • Querolous

      She must be an Alien. No human being has that many teeth.

  • memzilla Ω
    • willi0000000

      ah . . . the necessities of life.

      • theCryptofishist

        You gotta admit, there are some people who will want to go out in a blaze of glory.

    • mancityRed6

      it’s the strongest building on the block, what do I have to lose?

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      south florida has several sin cities – i should know, i sinned in most of them.

      It was a blast.

    • BosGrl

      Are those separate places or is it really a combined liquor store/strip club?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Wanna bet there’s a drive thru too?

        • BosGrl

          Oh – oh! Combined lap dance/car wash place! We’d make a fortune!

      • memzilla Ω

        Strip club is attached to the liquor store, but same owners.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Why was I mot alerted?

        • BosGrl

          Sounds about right.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It’s a lovely, if cooler-than-usual summer night in Richmond, and I’ve got the windows open, and one of my neighbors is grilling with lighter fluid. I can’t tell if they’re using charcoal, mesquite, or anything else, but they sure as hell are using lighter fluid. Which is unfortunate, because I’d love to smoke a bowl, but I’m afraid I’d blow up the entire block.

    • msanthropesmr

      Blow it up.

      • willi0000000

        blowing on it won’t get anybody high . . . you gotta suck.

      • SayItWithWookies

        As much fun as it might be, I’d like to survive the blast. I’m hoping the fumes dissipate in a half-hour or so.

        • commatoes

          Oh you, with your childlike optimism.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Pour LOX on it.

        Carefully.

        • commatoes

          A LOX on both their houses.

          Seriously, I used it in chem lab, worked around it on a job site, and saw it used in chinese restaurant kitchens. Stuff is scary when you know what it can do.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Waste of good salmon schmeer.

    • proudgrampa

      “Grilling with Gasoline.”

      • SayItWithWookies

        An American tradition.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      It’s pretty cool now here in Phoenix. 74.5 degrees. I don’t have my doors and windows open because I don’t want my neighbors to suffer from 2nd hand cigar smoke.

    • RobespierreHoo

      Lighter fluid isn’t very volatile. I suggest the bowl. You’ll be fine. And yes, Richmond is uncommonly pleasant tonight.

      • Doug Langley

        This message brought to you by the Society of Irresponsible People.

        • RobespierreHoo

          If a grill is going, and the fire of that grill is not exploding a two block area, and all we have is the smell of lighter fluid, which we don’t like, in the same sense that some believe they have a God given right never to smell cigarette smoke, all is well. Smoke a bowl.

    • commatoes

      No Canada jokes but it’s 52°F or 11°C in my parts. Maybe your neighbours misunderstood the concept of flambé and think it is a suitable application for gasoline.

  • Ryan Denniston
    • mancityRed6

      on the youtube already
      also
      the first time I went to see fight club it was already at the dollar (second run) movie theater. but the film broke half through.
      I’m kinda torn since the same girl that made sure I saw that movie also got me American Psycho in book form.
      I don’t want to say what she ended up doing or being.
      let’s just say…me, 43, twice divorced (waiting on the second one), I’m better off.

      • Ryan Denniston

        I was thinking of the Rhetorical today, given the hurrican pushed The Cyber and The Nuclear off the front page.

  • memzilla Ω
    • Bill D. Burger
    • BloviateMe

      As much as I want to hate all humans, little things like this draw me back in the fold.

    • NotDarkYet

      O.k. dumb question time: I don’t get it. Please explain?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Covfefe.

      • BloviateMe
        • BloviateMe

          ETA: oops that’s not the original, the original was books, not instant mashed potatoes.

          Which of course, begs the question, why did someone replace the books with instant mashed potatoes and think that made it better?

          Damn it, I’m back to hating humans.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Oh yeah?

            So, you doing anything next weekend?

          • jowgajen

            The second line on the potato version is something like “mershed pertaters”. It’s a continuation riff.

        • NotDarkYet

          Someone’s really excited to have mashed potatoes in a box?

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Karma bites Rush twice.

    Not only was Rush Limbaugh forced from his Palm Beach home thanks to Irma–after squawking about what a media invention the storm was, the remnants of Irma will drench his hometown of Cape Girardeau, MO. In fact, if you look at the map his hometown is just NW of the final D, meaning, “Dumbass” conditions expected.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/24b33458c5cf771ff35e075d5ecf253ce37798d3ad2ede1357d8bca32f11f70c.png

    • Count Awesome

      God hates Rush Limbaugh

      • WomanInThePersistence

        God is not alone.

        • NotDarkYet

          God needs to take a number and wait in the hate-Rush line.

          • Count Awesome

            God is omniscient. He has been first in line since creation.

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            So, he is blocking the damn line, then.

            Damn stooge.

          • Left Coast Tom

            God should have sent an appropriate message to Limbaugh when Limbaugh was getting his start in Sacramento. That city has both the Sacramento and American rivers to work with.

          • Panika MCD

            I thought his message about universal healthcare was very well done. hitting Rush with a heart attack while he was in Hawaii? too bad Rush didn’t get the message.

          • NotDarkYet

            He’s probably paying someone to hold his place in line!

          • Jonny On Maui

            That’s where the holy ghost comes in…

    • gallbladder

      Where do I go to NOT donate to his cause?

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        Go to the “Fuck Me Now” website.

        • BloviateMe

          Seems misleading for horny teens.

        • Count Awesome

          Isn’t that Snopes.Com?

    • Ryan Denniston

      Codiene will save his ass.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      So, there really is a doG.

    • NotDarkYet

      Well, in the immoral words of Trump: “Too bad!”

    • Ryan Denniston
    • bupkus231

      Does anybody think he may have fled to Cape Girardeau?

  • Serai 1

    So Jim Carrey is a painter now…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFy8GY_sGYM

    I did not see that coming.

    • Jonny On Maui

      There’s a lot of his stuff in a gallery in Lahaina…

    • gallbladder

      No…he’s not.

      • Serai 1

        Yeah, he is. Some interesting work there.

        • mancityRed6

          I got into an argument about Pollock with the last ex. she defended him and I just asked, why? what makes you like him?
          she couldn’t answer.

          • Is it really important that you can explain why you like something? Isn’t liking it enough? I’m not trying to be harsh or nasty at all. Take for instance, the song Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. I can’t tell you anything about why it is good, but every time I hear it, I smile. So I like it, and that is enough for me.

          • mancityRed6

            and so do I. that song is just…golden.
            but I don’t understand Pollack and I wished to understand why she (as an art student) liked him.
            she couldn’t give me one reason.

          • Okay, now I understand where you are coming from much better.

          • commatoes

            I explained to my cousin why I like some Abstract Expressionist and Minimalist art. I am not an expert but in Pollock I see motion and energy. Looking at his canvases, I imagine the motion of his brush over the painting. Minimalists like Malevich’s Black Square have a texture and brush technique that you do not see in a photo. Also, the subtle shading is not obvious. I didn’t think much of Mondrian until I saw one in person.

          • mancityRed6
          • commatoes

            Hard to tell. Watercolour and charcoal pencil?
            Everything I was going to say was rendered moot by opening the images in a bigger window. The first reminds of Asian watercolours in style. I like the subtle variations in colour and intensity in the palm leaves. A larger image lets the leaves come out as more distinct. I like it.

            The second reminds me of a painting my exroommate did. I like the overall composition contrasting compact and lush with the barren trees beyond the windows. I also like the intensity of the foreground with the washed out background. Also, there is the inference of lush leafy plants contrasted with the almost fire burnt trees. Another way would be to make the barren trees appear twisted and gnarled (like old tree roots) to contrast with growing vitality.

            This is my bar napkin opinion. My art appreciation comes from living with and dating a couple artist. This is along with a couple more classically themed art courses in university.

          • Three Finger Salute

            I like the song, but I still cringe slightly when it comes on — if only because the band’s name took on a whole new meaning after 2005.

          • Serai 1

            Pollock is one of those artists whose work I find very, very interesting and would never hang in my home.

    • Count Awesome

      So that makes two things he’s not all that great at?

    • mancityRed6

      if I had the money he does and could afford those kind of drugs, oh hell yess.

    • SayItWithWookies

      “What you do in life chooses you.”
      Okay, I’m done — that was painful. Did I get through the whole thing? Oh — fifteen seconds? That was plenty.

    • I’d rather see him paint than talk about vaccines and autism.

    • commatoes

      I respect anyone that does something creative that gets their hands dirty.

    • Begin Anew Day

      Any artist, in any medium, is going to do some dreck. Jim C. is no exception. He did that awful cable guy thing but he also did “Man In The Moon”.

      Thanks for this.

      • Serai 1

        You’re welcome. I was all O_o when I found it. Had no idea he’d gone into this. (I’ve a fondness for The Number 23, myself, if only for his performance in it. Oh alright, he was easy on the eyes, too.)

        • Three Finger Salute

          “Number 23” is another fiction movie that the wingnuts take way too seriously, like MRAs do with romcoms warping it into IRL rape apology. Not a dig at Jim Carrey but of how the lunatic fringe spins, for their own purposes, everything from the same movie industry they claim to hate.

          There’s some bizarre conspiracy theory involving the number 23 and the Trudeau family ,and a belief that Carrey (because he’s Canadian, why else) is an NWO puppet who “knows the truth” but has been silenced — and that his girlfriend got snuffed by the same Illuminati for piecing the puzzle together.

          Yeah, OK. I suppose part of that conspiracy is that he’s also a pet detective who found the Holy Grail in the belly of a moose. SMH.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    jackass frenemy in Miami checked in, he’s doing fine. says it’s not too bad.

    • mancityRed6

      um…are you really that nice?
      just, stop, man. people are people and they will do what they please.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        eh, he *CAN* be a cool dude.

        • mancityRed6

          I didn’t want to come off mean, but you rock and… aww..hell, I don’t want you talking to frenemies.

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            thanks buddy -it’s nice to know you’re looking out for me.
            ; )

          • mancityRed6

            baby, you’re cool.

        • I call that type a ‘disclaimer guy’, you just can’t say without qualifications, ‘he’s a great guy’… there’s always a disclaimer: ‘He’s an alright guy, BUT…’

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            eggszactly.

            The kind of person you warn your friends about before they meet him for the first time.

          • I first formulated the ‘disclaimer guy’ characterization years ago, to describe a former co-worker of an old high-school friend of mine. This guy had a weird sort of one-way rivalry with my school chum, always asking him what his salary was, what his grades were. For the record, my friend is very proper, the sort of guy who really doesn’t go for TMI or other impertinent inquiries.

            Our circle of friends still refers to him as ‘ODG’ because he was the original ‘Disclaimer Guy’. He’s calmed down considerably since his more obnoxious younger days, thankfully. He was always an okay guy, but…

          • bupkus231

            Gee – I’m always afraid I’M that kind of person.

    • bupkus231

      Even Miami has a few hours to go, tho’….

      They dodged the real bullet, but….

    • Begin Anew Day

      Remind him about counting his chicks before they hatch.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • JD Mulvey

    There is something really wrong with the people of Florida.

    https://www.yahoo.com/amphtml/news/florida-gun-owners-encouraged-apos-213111921.html

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    I’m drunk. Merle Haggard is playing on the

    • JD Mulvey

      the highway?

    • Jonny On Maui

      Swings? Seesaw? Train overpass?

    • JD Mulvey

      internet?

    • epazote

      “Swinging Doors”?
      or was that some other country artist ?

      • JD Mulvey

        Nope, that was him.

        • epazote

          My dad listened to Country
          I was quite young when I learned the words to “I’ve got tears in my ears from lying on my back crying on my pillow over you ”
          (shrug)

    • Msgr_MΩment

      skin flute?

    • BloviateMe

      Road?

    • BosGrl

      braces of Lori Partridge?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Damn banjo?
      In the kitchen.
      With Dinah.

    • Parakeetist

      Didgeridoo?

    • mancityRed6

      dude, just go puke and we can drink some more. stop posting about it.

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      bones of your ancestors?

    • Not Flat – ROUND!

      hopes and fears of his fans?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      astrolabe. Fucker had better not break it.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Teslacle?

    • tehbaddr

      See saw, by himself!

    • commatoes

      hurdy gurdy?

  • He’s all British and foppy and puppy dog eyed and what-have-you.

    I heard that British thing doesn’t work on British girls. Poor gobshite just sounds like a gobshite. Now, if he had an exotic Ohio accent, he’d be pulling like a tractor.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Does a yinzer/Canadian blend work? Asking for a friend.

      • mancityRed6

        do you say car or kar?

        • Msgr_MΩment

          yes.

      • Not in Canada, dear boy, not in Canada.

    • mancityRed6

      the fucking thing is, it wasn’t until I was ready to leave that the girls at the counter at the local grocery store (that I’d been buying bottles of wine on Fridays from for over a year and a half), it wasn’t until then that they asked me where my accent was from.

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      if ONLY i had an actual Texas accent.

      (I mean I can fake one, but that’s as bad as faking a british one here).

      • Panika MCD

        which one?

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          central – not that Texarkana hillbilly shit.

      • Count Awesome

        Accents are overrated.

    • tehbaddr

      Well, there is a similarity to be found there, Lack of teeth.

    • commatoes

      OTOH, no self respecting American woman has heard the Geordie accent and thought, “That’s so hot. I want to have your babies.”

      https://youtu.be/UeYDI4wdjQw

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i love selma hayek’s face in this.
        She looks like she just. doesn’t. get. it.

        • I just love her face, period.

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            well, ya, there’s that. Seen her thing on Conan(?) about turning Trump down for a date.

            Hilarious.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i don’t know how, but damn every Graham Norton clip I’ve ever seen makes it look like everybody’s having a really fun time.

        • commatoes

          Those drinks contain actual alcohol. And they can swear… on the tele.

          Not this particular episode, but the guests routinely get liquored up.

    • bupkus231

      “…he’d be pulling like a tractor.”

      That’s a euphemism I’d never heard – but when I tried to copy your words, I accidently did a “search” – and found a definition I did not expect…

      Link: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Tractor%20Pull

      Not that I think that was what you were referring to….

      • Never heard that one before. I thought I’d sworn off Urban Dictionary after looking up some of the ‘incel’ slang I’d first read about on We Hunted the Mammoth. *SHUDDER*

  • Juan de Fuca

    Luke’s song reminds me of another Bri’ish performer who sang a song about a woman:

    https://youtu.be/FRvAZ_uAmVk

  • bubbuhh

    FYI Hurricane Insurance does not cover storm surge damage. Storm surge is historically the primary cause of hurricane related damage. Mebbe, 90+% of Harvey’s damage was due to storm surge or other kinds of flooding, all of which is covered by flood insurance. People who live in flood zones and think they are saving money by not getting flood insurance, often end up with a permanent downgrade in their living accommodations, FEMA trailer parks if they are lucky.

    Mar-A-Lago carries a shitload of NFIP flood insurance. Trumpazz has ackshully made a huge profit on flood insurance claims, in the many millions.

    • Panika MCD

      you have to have both flood and windstorm insurance for that. but a lot of the flooding that hasn’t gone down yet was due to back end flooding from stupid river authority people who can’t do their jobs.

      TX has a single payer windstorm insurance program–I know, ironic–through the state. meet TWIA: https://www.twia.org/stormcenter/prepare/

      • h4rr4r

        Socializms!

        • Panika MCD

          it’s kind of hilarious.

      • bubbuhh

        Wind and flood insurance are entirely separate. Neither is required unless the property owner has a mortgage and the lender requires either or both.

        http://homeguides.sfgate.com/flood-insurance-cover-storm-surge-damage-6602.html

        • Panika MCD

          usually on the TX coast, they do. if a complex is filing for tax credits in exchange for providing affordable housing–THEY HAVE TO. I’ve sat through these hearings. SFGate has not.

          • bubbuhh

            What you are saying is that a business or semi-government entity owns the housing (hence the tax credits deal and the ability to “provide affordable housing”) and not an individual. That’s an entirely different thing and is covered by different rules, similar to the laws which allow lender to demand things like insurance coverage.

          • Panika MCD

            I SIT THROUGH THE GODDAMN TX LEGE HEARINGS. do you? does SFGate? I’m not going to tell everyone about their insurance needs in FL right now. I did make sure that people knew about HB1774 in TX. why? because it’s my job to know this and it’s my duty as a human being to share that knowledge with the people that need it. lenders tend to require this stuff on the TX coast because if the thing gets blown away, they lose money. and if you want to sit through hours of people competing for tax credits in a large population state, you are welcome to do so. until then, save the sarcasm with your quotation marks.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Donald Trump Got $17 Million Insurance Payout for Damage Few Recall
      The Associated Press
      Oct 24, 2016
      Donald Trump said he received a $17 million insurance payment in 2005 for hurricane damage to Mar-a-Lago, his private club in Palm Beach, but The Associated Press found little evidence of such large-scale damage.
      Two years after a series of storms, the real estate tycoon said he didn’t know how much had been spent on repairs.”
      In a deposition in an unrelated civil lawsuit, Trump said he got the cash from a “very good insurance policy” and cited ongoing work to the historic home.
      “Landscaping, roofing, walls, painting, leaks, artwork in the — you know, the great tapestries, tiles, Spanish tiles, the beach, the erosion,” he said of the storm damage. “It’s still not what it was.”
      Trump’s description of extensive damage does not match those of Mar-a-Lago members and even Trump loyalists. In an interview about the estate’s history, Trump’s longtime former butler, Anthony Senecal, recalled no catastrophic damage at all. He said Hurricane Wilma, the last of a string of storms that barreled through in 2004 and 2005, knocked down a few trees behind Mar-a-Lago, but the house itself only lost some roof tiles.
      “That house has never been seriously damaged,” said Senecal, discussing Mar-a-Lago’s luck with hurricanes. “I was there for all of them.”

      http://fortune.com/2016/10/24/donald-trump-hurricane-payout-mar-a-lago/

      • bubbuhh

        Trump Lies. Therez a newsflash. However, Mar-A-Lago is not his only property on the Florida coast. It’s not even the biggest in terms of the value of buildings and such. All of them carry full insurance. And, everyone of them file claims for every little thing related to flooding.

  • Mormos

    Charlie you bitch! Let’s work it out!
    John Cusack in High Fidelity

  • Panika MCD

    reminder: there are still parts of Houston under water (mostly thanks to SJRA).

    here is a photo of two of my favorite Houston officials–Chief Acevedo and State Sen. John Whitmire touring still flooded areas–the tweet has photos of the flooding attached. Whitmire, a Houston Democrat, is the Dean of the TX Senate as he is the longest serving so that means he gets the last motion every day and Dan Patrick has to let him keep the chairmanship of the Criminal Justice Committee–whether he likes it or not! during the CPS Sen. Fi. hearing last fall, he’d gone to the back room (which has live feeds of the hearing) to have dinner and Chair Nelson was particularly pissed so she said, “Where’s John? I wish he was here. I wish I could set people on fire with my words.”

    https://twitter.com/ArtAcevedo/status/906554694763520000/photo/1?utm_source=fb&utm_medium=fb&utm_campaign=ArtAcevedo&utm_content=906554694763520000

    • Stulexington

      And when you’re done praying, contact your congressperson.

      • Panika MCD

        he’s been sharing the funds. just not in this tweet. he also shared the Houston Hispanic Chamber’s position on DACA today. give him a break. he’s Cuban.

        • Stulexington

          I should have put the no snark tags around the prayer thing. I actually consider prayer to be a form of self care so by all means do because self care is important.

          • Panika MCD

            when it comes to public officials, I consider it to be a thing they say to not piss too many people off.

      • Panika MCD

        p.s. I would not be at all surprised to hear that Whitmire punched him in the shoulder really hard for the prayer thing.

  • anon_the_great

    …dating (a) musician…

    Whelp, there’s yer problem.

    • bubbuhh

      Okay to fuck ém, but yah gotta remember that most musicians have an attenshun span of less than four minutes

      • anon_the_great

        Musicians are too preoccupied to be there for anyone else. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

    • OutOfOrbit

      awww owww

    • Begin Anew Day

      Charlie Manson was a musician too.

      Coincidence?

  • Bristol, eh? I think I found the identity of this guy’s ex.

  • Nounverb911
  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
  • Suttree

    Ok. So this is close to the coloring of Shop Kitty. But she is much more grey, and a lighter grey. The orangish is mixed in slightly. Did I mention how pink her little happy tongue is!? She has very quiet purrsssss, But now after my third day on the job, when she runs next to me, she doesn’t cut me off and get tangled in my legs. Now she on my right and a few feet behind! :)))

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Where are the pix? (Or GTFO, natch)

    • Jonny On Maui

      Oh yes! I see it!

      • Suttree

        OMFG! I take two breaks and a lunch. If Itty bity kitty isn’t there I have much sadness. But for the most part she is there. She sneaks up on me and rubbs my leg. Then I give her meat from my sammich. She usally just rolls around on the ground and takes love, while trying to trap me into rubbing her tummy. And then I have to go back to work and she shadows me unti; I turn machinery on. Meow meow meow! I love her to death!

        • Martini Ambassador 🍸

          Cats are the best coworkers.

          • Suttree

            I work with humans apparently. But none of these “people” take the interest that I do in this kitty. That I have seen. One of the ladies who works here says that kitty is spoiled as fuck! IDK. Kitty must hide somewhere when she isn’t with me.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Do you have pics?

  • Jonny On Maui

    Hey Luke, a free clue…

    When the lady says it’s over, it’s over. Put a fork in ya, yer done.

  • Nounverb911

    Something tells me George doesn’t like bannon very much…
    https://twitter.com/NYMag/status/906618480736292866

    • Parakeetist

      Whee! Neither will I.

    • Jamoche

      “I like picking fights. I like that Breitbart News wants to have my head,”

      Can we make him a honorary Wonketteer?

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Nice!

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Doesn’t Bannon have some of that Seinfeld money?

    • What gave it away?

  • mancityRed6

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLJVZdKt2GQ
    this goes out to all of you.

  • anon_the_great

    In the Soviet of Washington, Southwest district, we are getting its first real rain since June. A sweet susurration like a lover’s perfumed neglige.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      The People’s Republic of Portland is still waiting.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Here in the Bay Area the forecast includes a 40% chance of thunderstorms Monday – which is not actually a thing that’s supposed to happen.

    • mancityRed6

      a few years ago the ex and I would be on the patio with the laptop watching the storm get killed by the local man made lake.
      then this
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5a6ac4b1563984d767e88e39cd0ec48f28a4f730ad2921cce40bc153bb796be9.jpg

      • OutOfOrbit

        you really gotta get over her!

        • mancityRed6

          I am, I truly am. it’s the dogs I miss the most.

          • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

            I left behind a Border Collie and a Norwegian Elkhound/Australian Shepherd mix.

          • mancityRed6

            red heeler and some kind of portuguese dog. but I saw another of the portuguese dog today, and that made me sad.

          • OutOfOrbit

            “the ex” this & “the ex” that. listen to yourself

          • mancityRed6

            it’s to differentiate between the first ex that actually divorced me and the second ex that is being a little shit and waiting for something unknown.
            the girlfriends between the ages of 12 and 28 don’t count.

          • OutOfOrbit

            you need a secretary

    • OutOfOrbit

      oh 4 peetz sake

  • Nounverb911
  • janecita
    • Parakeetist

      Yeah. Rest in peace.

    • BloviateMe

      He looks like a stock photo they use to depict someone who looks at creepy porn.

      • OutOfOrbit

        excuse me?

    • Martini Ambassador 🍸

      Nobody should have to go through that. Sad.

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        I was going to make a joke about this earlier, but can’t. Poor family.

        • Martini Ambassador 🍸

          Well, you’ll not be surprised to hear that the wingnuts are in full-on flying monkey mode claiming that liberals are responsible for this. So there ya go, joke made. Very, very awful joke for the craptastic times we live in.

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            The filth on FR speculate that Jr was a druggie and thus deserved it. Stopped reading.

          • Martini Ambassador 🍸

            Christ, no fucking decency with those monsters.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            That’s just nauseating.

      • janecita

        I agree, he was his only child also. Totally heart breaking.

        • BloviateMe

          I guess I’m confused, the link just shows that Eric was fired. His kid kill himself, is that what you are saying?

          • FukuiSanYesOta

            Yeah, the day after. Nineteen.

          • BloviateMe

            Jesus. That’s awful.

            I’m going to need to delete my unintentional, but suddenly wildly inappropriate comment below.

            No one should have to bury their kid.

          • janecita

            Wrong link, I fixed it.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      From the comments. FOX News does cultivate a diversity of stupid.

      Renee Angelino says:

      September 9, 2017 at 5:21 pm

      Fox News has turned into a big disappointment. These women and their accusations of sexual harassment has to stop. This is no joke, they dress like sluts and then they accuse the guys of harassing them. They are causing good anchors to lose their jobs, and shame on you Fox for targeting Conservatives. Wake up before you lose the few anchors that are any good, which I might say aren’t many. I suppose you have to be a liberal and a minority to keep a job there. Watch out, before your ratings drop into the toilet.

    • bubbuhh
    • It is really sad, I saw that on TMZ. Unfortunately, I also looked at the comment section. Some truly sick people, on many sides, on many sides. That is both a joke and horribly true statement.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Um, for me the link merely refers to him getting fired. But I gather from other comments that his daughter committed suicide?

    • janecita
  • amrak63

    I heard the original version of this instrumental composition for the first time a few minutes ago. I don’t know why I didn’t think to look it up on YT earlier.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdPQHBG0opw

  • Raan

    The Great Hurricane Escape, update: The house is boarded up (a first, despite having lived in Florida for 25 years, just like us), everything that could blow away is in the house or otherwise secured, and everything in my entire body aches.

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      good on ya, rest up and have a few cold ones.

    • Congrats, have a beer or three while they are still cold. And then stay safe.

    • Raan

      Oh, addendum: AccuWeather is projecting gusts up to 117 mph back at our house. But when I tied down the awning, I was counting on withstanding 150.

      • mancityRed6

        over engineer everything.
        good on you!

        • Raan

          I was figuring, “what would I need if the eye were on top of us right now?”

          • mancityRed6

            120,000 2X4s?

          • Raan

            That is an acceptable answer.

    • amrak63

      May the Ascended Madoka protect you all.

      https://i.imgur.com/lB5tqps.jpg

      • Raan

        I’ve also got the Absolute God of Hyperdeath on my side.

        I finished True Pacifist last night.

    • BosGrl

      Thinking good thoughts for you, Raan. Stay safe.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Stay safe. And thanks for the check in. We worry.

      • Raan

        I know that feel, bro.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Sis, actually. Even though my RL brothers call me dude.

  • Panika MCD

    SOS from BLMHOU:

    FEMA hang up has led an elderly couple to need to stay in a hotel for the night while the work out the mishap. the husband is wheelchair bound, the wife is on dialysis. they pretty must lost everything. Ashton explains it:

    https://www.facebook.com/AshtonPWoods1/videos/10203796866800191/

    • BosGrl

      shared on FB

      • Panika MCD

        thanks!

        • BosGrl

          The comment from the mosque to go to them if they don’t get the help. I want to put that on a billboard as a big fuck you to all the bigots.

  • BosGrl
    • bubbuhh

      Just don’t dip and drink

    • Stulexington

      That is one shitty garbage can.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Walk away and say nothing?

    • BloviateMe

      Any port in a storm.

    • gallbladder

      (unzips fly, no existential questions asked)

    • Anyone else really want to see what happens when someone flushes it. (From a safe distance, anyway.)

      • BosGrl

        Yes!

    • therblig

      in the competition of conceptual art, that’s duchamp.

    • First of all, don’t panic.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Is he playing round the clock, or does he have a set schedule?

    If it’s a set schedule, what does he do with the piano at quitting time? Leave it there? Lug it home every night?

    As a piano player, I automatically focused more on the practicalities of the situation than the stupidity of his Grand Gesture.

    • Won’t the weather absolutely trash his piano?

      • Electric Ukulele Land

        Or a homeless person / feral cat decides it would be a good place to sleep/relieve themselves

      • FukuiSanYesOta

        We can hope.

      • BosGrl

        Maybe he found a fairly cheap one on Craig’s List and doesn’t care.

    • data_ninja

      Wouldn’t it be a baby grand gesture?

  • mancityRed6

    120 minutes, 1990 or so, and this comes on:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPgf_btTFlc
    yeah, I’ve been a fan ever since.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Cuck! (I think this is where it applies, isn’t it?)

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      It’s a cuck and bull story.

    • mancityRed6

      jesus, for a second there I thought I was on brainfart.

  • I won a gift card at the grocery store! Just for standing there!

    Apparently, it’s their grand re-opening, so they were choosing registers at random and whoever was there got to choose from one of four gift cards. I got $25, which ain’t much, but isn’t bad, either.

    Anyway, the cashier (who I know pretty well) was all, “You’re lucky. Earlier today they had a dancing bear come over and give you the card.”

    I said, “I don’t know. I can take that one of two ways. Which did you mean?”

    She responded sardonically, “Like a giant, dancing teddy bear. Not the kind you would want!”

    Well!

    https://media.tenor.com/images/f305aee05432fa891d8dd58711332d8f/tenor.gif