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Prior to same-sex marriage becoming law of the land, anti-gay idiots spent a lot of time trying to warn us that if that were to happen, there would be a slippery slope and people would soon be trying to marry their dogs and their donkeys and children and, of course, all of the inanimate objects.

That, as you may be aware, did not happen. No one came out of the woodwork saying, “Well, if you’re going to let the gays get married, then I should get to marry Mr. Ed!” Sure, that one lady says she is married to the Eiffel Tower, but it is not official or anything.

This is largely due to the fact that in order for a marriage to occur, two parties must consent.

Nevertheless, if it’s not going to happen naturally, some homophobes are willing to force it to happen themselves.

ENTER CHRIS SEVIER!

Back in the year of our lord 2013, Sevier — an attorney and maker of electronic musicfiled a lawsuit against Apple for selling him a computer upon which he could access pornography, leading to the dissolution of his marriage to a human person. You see, upon attempting to visit Facebook.com, Sevier accidentally typed in FUCKbook.com, which led him to a bunch of websites that “appealed to his biological sensibilities as a male and lead to an unwanted addiction with adverse consequences.”

UNFAIR COMPETITION AND INTERFERENCE OF THE MARITAL CONTRACT: The Plaintiff became totally out of synch in his romantic relationship with his wife, which was a consequence of his use of his Apple product. The Plaintiff began desiring, younger more beautiful girls featured in porn videos than his wife, who was no longer 21. His failed marriage caused the Plaintiff to experience emotional distress to the point of hospitalization. The Plaintiff could no longer tell the difference between internet pornography and tangible intercourse due to the content he accessed through the Apple products, which failed to provide him with warnings of the dangers of online pornography whatsoever.

In the years since, however, Sevier has attempted to marry this same porn-filled computer in some sort of protest against same-sex marriage.

Sevier has filed a lawsuit against the state of Alabama for refusing to grant him a marriage license for his marriage to his computer. He previously sued the state of Florida for the same reason, back in 2014. And he sued Texas for the same reason last year.

He will sue all the states, apparently, until they either allow him to marry his computer or end same-sex marriage.

In his complaint, filed jointly with three people who wish to all marry each other in a polygamous marriage, Sevier claims that by allowing those who identify as gay to marry people of the same sex, the state is discriminating against polygamous people and “machinists.” Which by the way is not even the correct word for people who want to fuck machines. That word is mechasexual, thank you very much, and I have many documentaries on the subject.

“In Alabama, the probate Judges are issuing marriage licenses to self-identified homosexuals based on their sexual orientation or self-asserted sex-based identity narrative. The governor and state officials are providing full marriage benefits and privileges to legally self-identified homosexuals but not to self-identified polygamists and machinists for procedural and moral reason.”

Oh man, looks like he’s really gotten us all there! What a slippery slope! Guess we’ll all just have to pack it in and end not only same-sex marriage, but all marriage in general. Because what are straight people if not self-identified heterosexuals?

If you were just now thinking “I bet this couldn’t get weirder!” I regret to inform you that you were wrong. Very, very wrong. Sevier has also been in trouble with the law before. In 2013, he was arrested for stalking country music singer John Rich after sending him several pictures of himself naked and bloody and draped in the American flag. As one does.

So that is the story of Chris Sevier, the man who thinks he can put an end to gay marriage by trying to marry his computer. I honestly hope someone gets him some help, because he does not seem right.

[New Civil Rights Movement | Above The Law]

Personally, I plan to marry the delicious box of concord grapes I am currently eating. To help contribute to our impending nuptials (and help Wonkette!) please click click click below to donate!

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  • Gayer Than Thou

    Is Fuckbook a site I can visit at work, or maybe better don’t? I can’t tell what kind of content it might have.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Depends on your line of work, fella.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        If you’re a CEO, it’s legit. It’s all about fucking people over, after all.

        • onedollarjuana

          Over a desk? Over a kitchen counter? Over and out?

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Depends on how much you trust incognito mode. Personally, I’d suggest getting creative with your mobile, just to be safe.

    • Three Finger Salute

      I’m going to guess they don’t allow comments.

    • Jamoche

      If your work doesn’t have it blocked, make sure your virus checkers are up to date.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    He does realize that the computer never gave consent, right?

    • Vincent Ricola

      Does the lady on the pornhub ad who offers to talk about doing nasty stuff to weeniers for a small credit card fee count as consent?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Indeed the consent all went the other way, when he clicked all those EULAs and terms and conditions without reading them.

    • Uncle Mark

      Heck, I’m more afraid of him giving his poor, innocent computer a nasty virus than the other way around

  • Vincent Ricola

    If you were just now thinking “I bet this couldn’t get weirder!” I regret to inform you that you were wrong. Very, very wrong.

    Jesus hell that picture. You tell no lies.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I can maybe get part of it. Bloodied but unbowed. Patriot. But you lose me at the skull. Also, sending that to a C & W singer.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Gayer Than Thou

      Well, if you’re right-handed and you’re typing with only your left hand, you might make such a mistake…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I’d give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      When I think back on all the embarassing times that I typed ‘fuck’ for ‘face’, I feel like such a facefuck.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        If you ever want to feel that way again, just let me know. #OperatorsAreStandingBy

    • FauxAntocles

      Damn auto-correct!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      He should be suing his High School Typing Teacher. Too bad that person doesn’t have billions.

      • Three Finger Salute

        That typing teacher made him into a furrysexual. All that hot erotica about quick brown foxes humping over lazy dogs.

  • beingreleased

    Personally, I say let him marry his computer. He seems to want to pretty badly, and I’m kind of curious what would happen.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Spoiler alert: He’ll try to shower sex it and end up in the ER and Ben Sasse will say “that’s why we need to end Obamacare FOR GOOD!”

      • Gayer Than Thou

        He wouldn’t be the first person to discover that shower sex isn’t such a great idea.

        • Myrddnn

          Personally I love it. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t do anything dirty in the shower. And I really, really tried.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      I’ve seen enough sci-fi to know.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2QOp8N8xAU

    • Three Finger Salute

      Joaquin Phoenix libelz?

  • JohnBull

    Just typed in “Fuckbook” on my computer. Somehow I donated $50 to Donald Trump Jr’s. legal fund.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

    I swear, this douchecanoe is more needy than my cat!

    • NotDarkYet

      I just had to herd my fur monsters into their carriers; the vet will be here in 10 minutes. Thank gawd they are easily bribed with bits of freeze dried chicken.

  • ManchuCandidate

    A dick in hand is worth 2 in the USB ports.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      You’re multiplexing, I see.

    • Jamoche

      And you don’t have to flip it over several times before it’ll fit in the slot.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I do anyway – old habits die hard.

        • Three Finger Salute

          You’re probably older than me, and yet I blow on it like a Nintendo cartridge. There’s probably a rule34 for that too…

      • NotDarkYet

        Nah, there’s a symbol that shows you which goes up/down! ;)

        • Jamoche

          Up/down is easy – the seam goes down. Sideways? You’re on your own.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Also, easier cleanup.

    • NotDarkYet

      Micro USB for Trump.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    “Plaintiff could no longer tell the difference between internet pornography and tangible intercourse.” I know what one of those things is… Tangible intercourse.. sounds like a conversation using sign language, in someone’s hand, like Helen Keller in the movie, or maybe I’ve not learned about something I should know about.

    He’s not very clever, that one… But he thinks he is, so there’s that…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Um. Uh. Someone has a “personal vibrator” for a dick, then, if he can’t tell the difference.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “Tangible” intercourse was an understandable typo for “tangerine” intercourse, customarily performed on citrus fruit against which Apple has also not warned us. (Yeah, yeah, orange you glad I told you that.)

      • Three Finger Salute

        Tangerine Intercourse?

        You mean the Russians have another sex tape of Trump’s?

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Get back to me when his computer can pass a Turing Test.

    • ManchuCandidate

      It passed the Wanker Test.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Get back to me when he can pass a Turing test.

      • NotDarkYet

        Hell, let’s see if he can pass a driver’s license test.

        (that was the easiest test I ever took in the US; compared to Germany’s testing where you have to pay over 2 grand for lessons, and just about everybody flunks the test on the first try. I failed because I didn’t do the “look over your shoulder” thing when taking a right turn next to a bike lane.

        Well, actually, I flunked when I got smart-assy with the tester after he asked why I didn’t look. I said: ” Well, unless that biker beamed onto the lane or fell from the sky, he couldn’t have been there, since I’ve been driving NEXT to the lane for the entire time; there was nobody there. Why look for something I KNOW isn’t there!”)

    • Three Finger Salute

      There’s a longstanding legend that the Apple logo with the bite out of it was designed in memory of the tragic Dr Turing, who committed suicide by eating a cyanide-laced apple because he was persecuted by the British government for being gay.

      So, Apple passes the Turing test with flying colors.

      • mailman27

        After he was instrumental in cracking the Nazi Enigma code, without which effort the British government woulda been speaking German.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Say, you know what else appealed to his biological sensibilities as a male?

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      FOOTBAW?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      The sleek, gleaming modernity of the Apple products’ design?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        The iTart Apple.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Rule 34?

  • SweetDeeKat

    No way, NO WAY am I clicking on the mechasexual youtube link. Although I appreciate the dedicated effort in researching this.

    • Three Finger Salute

      I don’t even want to take the risk of checking that it isn’t just a Rickroll.

  • Jamoche

    Aw come on, you can’t have a wacky lawsuit story without quotes from the righteous snarky smackdown from the judge. Unless this guy was unlucky enough to get a boring judge, which would be so unfair – to us, that is.

  • memzilla Ω

    …the Plaintiff… experience[d] emotional distress to the point of hospitalization…

    “911, what’s your emergency?”
    “PORN!”
    “We have a unit on the way, sir.”
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/65f0ed5c5ca3be95550f17c50856e51473a8d53a47963f107fe1c5883476732a.jpg

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The internet is for pr0n.

      • NotDarkYet

        The cats would like a word with you!

        • Three Finger Salute

          Grab it by the…

          oh, never mind

    • Courser_Resistance

      LOL, I once crashed at a Motel 6 in Lincoln, NE (I think) next door to a porn store that had a modified, old ambulance out front. For what purpose, I do not recall or never knew.

  • Relativicus

    It won’t stop him from filing these ridiculous lawsuits — only the court can do that — but any Bar Associations to which he is a member should revoke his license to practice in their state. It’s shameful they haven’t yet.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    Does he have any proof that the computer has consented to any of his advances or even wants to date him?

  • CutterTeam

    CTRL+ALT+WHAT_THE_FUCK

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Please. Family recipe blog. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        Whiskey, please.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The Plaintiff could no longer tell the difference between internet pornography and tangible intercourse

    “And you’re complaining because…?”

    – (insert RWNJ sex fiend’s name here)

  • IdiotsforPalin

    So, how does he plan to consummate the marriage?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Hot hard disk on DvD action.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      The phrase “hardware incompatibility” comes to mind.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Blue balls of death

      • NotDarkYet

        Lower the firewall!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Make sure you have a keyboard protector first.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I suspect it will involve violation of the warranty.

    • NotDarkYet

      See when a USB port loves an HDMI port very very much, nothing can stand in the way of true desire!

      • Three Finger Salute

        Poor Firewire. Forever alone.

        • NotDarkYet

          The beta-max of connectors!

    • Ricky Gay

      It has to do with RAM. Lots of RAM. also touchscreen wipes.

  • Canis Greyhame

    Well if he were truly an old-fashioned conservative kind of guy, he’d have asked Apple for their blessing before proposing to his laptop. For that matter, he would have waited until after he put a ring on it to consummate the relationship. Hmm, I get the feeling he’s not exactly on the moral high ground here.

    • Should probably also wait ’til his laptop is of legal marrying age…

    • Unhappy Fingers

      But but … rings for computers dropped out of favor decades ago!!

      (For the non nerds out there, rings -> ring networks.)

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I feel like if you want to bring a test case that will really challenge the jurisprudence on same-sex marriage, you should probably bring a test case that will really challenge the jurisprudence on same-sex marriage and not the easiest lawsuit ever.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Sevier has filed a lawsuit against the state of Alabama for refusing to grant him a marriage license for his marriage to his computer. He previously sued the state of Florida for the same reason, back in 2014. And he sued Texas for the same reason last year.

    “And if that doesn’t work, Arizona is next on this list!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oklahoma: “What are we? Chopped liver?”

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He’ll probably want to wait until next summer to sue Alaska. It’s pretty nice up there in mid summer.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Why isn’t he going alphabetically?

  • Vincent Ricola

    I am way too interested in who took that terrifying stalker picture. It appears fairly professional in that old school mall glamour shots kind of way.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Olan Mills, probably.

    • Jamoche

      It’s way more professional than anything on You are not a photographer, or the Facebook moms who think one compliment on their baby pic qualifies them to start a “photography” business.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    To be honest, I’ve watched porn with guys I later wanted to marry, so I totally get where he’s coming from.

  • Uncle Mark

    Chris…Chris…Chris, that’s NOT what “Plug ‘N Play”means

  • Three Finger Salute

    The rise of machines has only made me lose faith in the intelligence and moral fiber of people. I don’t like the machines though. I like animals more. (And not in a “furrysexual” or whatever the fuck that is kind of way.)

    • Blackest Noobs

      eh i would worry less about the rise of machines and more about the rise of laziness, slothfulness, and overall stupidity of pretty much every living human being.

      • Steve Cole

        AI never a match for natural stupidity.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    There you are, sexxxing your computer spouse and you are sooooo close and bam! “Would you like to update now? Update requires restarting your computer.”

    • Vincent Ricola

      “POSTPONE 4 HOURS POSTPONE 4 HOURS!!!!”

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Can I update to Windows 69?

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    How do I back up my hard drive to an external port?

  • SomeBigRedDog

    I don’t see the attraction to an Apple. Mine always feels really cold if I perch it on my bare thighs and the biggest hole on the thing is the USB port.

    Now some of those bigger windows laptops on the other hand. Have you seen the ethernet ports on those?

    • AJ Milne

      Once you go optical 10G XFP, you’ll never go back.

      • SomeBigRedDog

        Watch it! This is a family blog.

    • Jamoche

      Bare thighs? Cold? Turn it on and wait a bit until the burning sensation really gets going.

  • Vincent Ricola

    This is why I only date Android devices.

  • Blackest Noobs

    usb ports seems kinda small, even for white guy penises, to insert in.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      With enough Santorum, any port can be accessed.

      From what I am told.

      • Blackest Noobs

        still…even with a tight squeeze, all the santorum in the world aint gonna get that penis in!

        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          You have to talk to the usb port and put on some Barry White.

          • Blackest Noobs

            and get a smaller penis…but he’s a white guy…probably possible.

  • CutterTeam

    “Chris stared intensely at the keyboard as the sensation washed over him. Could this actually be happening? What WAS this feeling? His pulse quickened and he felt the urge to let go, latching to the space between fear and pleasure — to scared to go on, but too excited to stop. He eyed the ‘Caps Lock’ and felt his manhood become thick and full. As he gently caressed his keyboard, he realized it was actually caressing him.”

    (END SCENE)

    • Three Finger Salute

      0/10 I’d rather read the Trubama saga again.

  • Courser_Resistance

    WTF? Who covers themselves in blood and a flag as an introduction? I got some weird offers on craigslist MFW but nothing like this, thank god. I’d call the cops too.

    • Uncle Mark

      No kidding. He looks like he’s bleeding out of his everywherever

    • AJ Milne

      (Looks around …)

      (… calls Vistaprint to cancel latest custom Christmas card order.)

    • AmazingProfessionalCrastinator

      Looks more like strawberry jam to me. Now THAT I could go for.

  • Uncle Mark

    Frankly, I don’t think Chris can ever make his computer happy

    • Three Finger Salute

      He’s got a 3.5″ floppy dick.

  • NotDarkYet

    Have you tried turning it off and on again?

    • mardam422

      Turning it on is what got him into this mess.

      • NotDarkYet

        Well, yes, but mostly fat finger typos! LOL

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    I was once engaged to my microwave, happily planning a glorious fairy tale wedding, when I discovered it was spying on me for Obama. I had to end it. I don’t need that kind of dysfunctional relationship in my life. Now, I don’t know what I saw in it. It’s insides were always covered in splattered spaghetti sauce, and it couldn’t even function when the electricity went out. Watt was I thinking?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      You were looking for something quick and hot. It’s understandable.

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        That’s how you get burned.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        Pocket rocket.

        • Courser_Resistance

          HOT Pocket Rocket!!!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Sevier had a previous relationship with his toaster, but then he got burned.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        Toaster? I never met her!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          And he didn’t learn anything from the experience. He turned right around and stuck his package into a pan and wound up with fried eggs.

          And then something, something, chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

      • chimichanga

        Ya and he/she was a real loafer, any way you slice it.

    • Edith Prickly
      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        You can’t trust anyone, Edith. Remember that!

        • Edith Prickly

          *side-eyes the refrigerator*

          • Ms.MLG on Maui

            For never was a story of more woe, than that of Ms. MLG and her microwave beau.

          • Gayer Than Thou

            I definitely do not trust my refrigerator. It is constantly giving me subliminal messages about how I should be eating the ice cream that’s inside.

  • mardam422

    I’m going to sue Apple too. Once, while trying to access Biblestudytools.com, I accidentally typed asian ass porn. The rest is history.

    • I made the opposite mistake once, it was horrifying. When you’re expecting asian ass porn and you get Jeebus, it’s a real shock to the system!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Your comment would have been funnier if your BibleStudyTools link actually led to an Asian ass porn site. :(

    • Jamoche
    • Opalescent Riddles

      The kind of history that Peggy Noonan thinks should be depicted in a stained-glass window at the National Cathedral?

      • mardam422

        Oh, much worser. I lost three whole days and sprained my wrist.

  • Why doesn’t he sue his ex wife for not being 21 anymore? That seems to be a contributing factor to his divorce… Or sue the universe (or gawd, if that’s your jam) for the very concept of time!

    • beingreleased

      “Why doesn’t he sue his ex wife for not being 21 anymore?”

      Can I do that? No one told me that was an option!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I told my wife when she hits forty I’m trading her in for two twenty-year-olds. It’s just basic math.

        • weighmaster

          Mr. Master told me that many years ago, I told him he wasn’t wired for 220.

    • Edith Prickly

      Return of Kings would be all over that. *retch*

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      My wife has been twenty one for something like thirty years now. What’s wrong with this guys ex that she ages like that?

  • Rebel Scum with permit

    How do we know this machine is of legal age? Most laptops are under 10. What a pervert.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And the problem of consent comes up, too. If you program your laptop to consent to marry you, has it really consented?

    • Jamoche

      Yes, but in laptop years 10 is way beyond geriatric – they’re obsolete at 4, after all.

      • Rebel Scum with permit

        Tell that to the DA, buster.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Statutory Apple computer rape is an uncharted territory in criminal law and likely never can be charted as binary-system rape is not reported to CODIS.

          “Officer, she told me she was above 01.”

  • suziq

    I have not heard of any machinists not being allowed to marry. I think all the ones I know are married, though it wasn’t in Alabama or Texas.

    • Courser_Resistance

      My grandfather was a Master Machinist. A quiet man…

  • Edith Prickly

    Sure, that one lady says she is married to the Eiffel Tower, but it is not official or anything.

    Berlin Wall Woman libelzz!

    Also, this guy?
    https://media.giphy.com/media/lKIkje8nkgEuY/giphy.gif

  • Mr. Blobfish

    You see, when a Daddy loves his iMac very much…

  • Zonath

    Exhibit B for the assertion that one does not need to have even the intelligence gifted to the common ground squirrel in order to be licensed as an attorney.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Don’t trust your Mac to no backwoods Southern lawyer…” as the song says.

  • C4TWOMAN

    There aren’t enough facepalms in the world, so I’ve decided to just rest here, propping my forehead in one hand….

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Maybe we can introduce him to Tomi Lahren, no?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “What can I say? I tried to take it slow, but suddenly, sparks flew. It was like being struck by lightning. I couldn’t help myself…until the circuit breaker tripped.”
    — Chris Sevier

  • Indiepalin

    To those of you who denounce me for preventing my IPad from marrying my scanner, this IPad of mine has several stds as well as criminal felony convictions.

    • Three Finger Salute

      The “Scores” virus? Confucker?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Laugh all you want but you are the ones sticking your turgid love muscles into expansion slots.

  • laughingnome

    Wow…this…just…wow.

  • The Plaintiff could no longer tell the difference between internet pornography and tangible intercourse due to the content he accessed through the Apple products…

    Then the Plaintiff is doing intercourse wrong.

    • Jgb979

      Yeah it sounds like someone has been “literally” fucking his laptop

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Chickens everywhere heave a sigh of relief.

    • Major_Major_Major

      That Macbook sure has a purty USB port.

    • Daniel

      He’s got a little magnet in his glans.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And basic computer skills wrong, too.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    This explains why all the machinists I know are so finicky about their machines.

    • Major_Major_Major

      And those sailors whose rating is Machinist Mate. Get Mad Dog on the line, ASAFP

      • Steve Cole

        Why stop w/MM? I am suspicious of all snipes.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It’s important to make sure your drill press is properly lubricated.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Lubrication? Hell, operating a drill press without protection is an invitation to disaster.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And yet, finicky as they are, they are always casting google-eyes at younger, fitter machines.

  • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

    “The Plaintiff began desiring, younger more beautiful girls featured in porn videos than his wife, who was no longer 21.”

    Holy shit, I wish I was a judge so I could laugh this out of court.

    • Randy Riddle

      I wish I were the wife’s mother so I could constantly ask her why she married such a looser in the first place.

      • shastakoala

        Oy Vey

  • C4TWOMAN

    And what’s up with the skull? He’s not an Aurini, fan is he?

    http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Davis_Aurini

    • chazmanr

      He always wanted to play Hamlet.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Loving a person, that sometimes hurts, but loving a computer, that GigaHertz.”
    — Chris Sevier

    • arglebargle

      “Byte me.”

      • Three Finger Salute

        Don’t forget to practice safe hex.

    • Rick Hill

      Cuts like a wifi

      • Daniel

        He wants to make it his wifi.

        • Three Finger Salute

          Wifi waifu?

    • chimichanga

      Love hertz

  • Baconzgood

    I find this difficult to masturbate to.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Try harder!

    • Randy Riddle

      Plug the accessories into the usb port.

  • arglebargle
  • Rick Hill

    I thought we could put an end to gay marriage just by stop labeling people. Then it would just be marriage. See how easy?

  • laughingnome

    My ipad or yours?

    • Three Finger Salute

      His is an iPod nano.

  • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

    “self-identified homosexuals” “self-asserted sex-based identity narrative”
    Even as far as conspiracy theories go, GAYS DONT REALLY EXIST!!!! seems a little far-fetched.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      According to his non-sex-based self-asserted identity narrative, he’s not an idiot.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And yet, he seems to be one.

    • Mysterious Masked Wrestler

      “You’re just pretending to be gay, so you can marry another man and have sex with him!!!!!”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Dear International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers Newsletter,

    I never thought this would happen to me but….

  • Baconzgood

    “The Plaintiff could no longer tell the difference between internet pornography and tangible intercourse”

    Well “tangible intercourse” is when a bird loves a bee very much…

    • Three Finger Salute

      As opposed to fungible intercourse, which… you know what, I don’t even want to know…

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Something to do with yeast infections?

    • arglebargle

      I think he meant tangerine intercourse.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I don’t normally recommend lobotomies, but in this case I will make an exception.

    • Three Finger Salute

      rm -rf /*

      gets rid of all of it, Katie.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Just hit ctl-alt-del.

  • Phoenixdoglover

    Captain and Tenille had a better idea.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBYV_7a0FQs

  • mrFawkes

    I’ve been in a very loving and committed relationship with a can of SPAM for almost 7 years. Not once, has my significant other ever felt threatened by a Nigerian Prince contacting me.

  • unclejeems

    Sure, but after the divorce, who gets the kids?

    • Mintie

      I think the Apple computer has a good case for sole custody, based on Sevier’s behavior record.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “You might ask why one of us would even want to hook up with a human. But we computers are very accepting and open minded. After all, we all have trans sisters.”

    • Three Finger Salute

      And master-slave connections.

      • Unhappy Fingers

        ….and server-client confidentiality (we hope!!!).

    • chimichanga

      Mine won’t boot up. I’m gonna diode age over hear

    • arundel

      “Not our fault we find dongles so enticing.”

  • Daniel

    Sometimes I get so lonely,
    Sometimes you get malware
    I’ve surfed all over the world
    I’ve left every place.

    Please be mine
    Share my life
    Stay with me
    Be my wi

    fi.

  • Donkey Option

    Hey, donkeys deserve love too! And you all know which option my husband chose.

  • Major_Major_Major

    It must be embarrassing as fuck to have your mom walk in while you have your dick in the USB port and the HDMI cable wrapped around your throat. Thankfully, I don’t live at home anymore.

    • jodyleek

      Just make sure you and your computer agree on a safe word before you ‘submit’.

  • Daniel

    Voight, Voight-Kampff will tear us apart, again.

  • Donkey Option

    Now in a more serious vein – first, those polygamists aren’t really hoping to get anywhere if they’re allowing this dipshit to file jointly with them. Second, I remember having a debate with someone in the early 2000’s who made the slippery slope argument, and my response was “define marriage as between two consenting adults” or, hell “two consenting adult humans” and there you go. Slippery slope avoided!

    • Three Finger Salute

      My response is basically whatever floats your boat as long as it’s safe, sane and consensual, and doesn’t harm anyone else. If 20 people want to get married and split (or fight over) the survivor benefits, no skin off my nose. All it does is create more work for lawyers anyhow.

      • Donkey Option

        That’s why I’m surprised that the polygamists are tying their case to his. Their case is less completely insane than his, and by letting him file jointly with them, it makes their case look like a crazy publicity stunt like his. Perhaps it is. I know that there are people out there in happy consensual poly relationships and if they want to make it legal, I don’t feel like this is the way to go about it (this being having a joint case with a guy who wants to marry his iBook.)

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Marriage is first and foremost a legal partnership.

      A lot of the rights, privileges, and responsibilities. are drafted with two people in mind. That seems to work for the overwhelming majority of people.

      If polyamorists want to change that, they’ve got a lot of work to do to come up with sensible proposals on how to adapt this two person partnership structure to what they want.

      In contrast, the adjustments required to fit same sex marriage into the existing framework were completely trivial.

      • Donkey Option

        I’m not sure how I feel about poly marriages. I think people should have the freedom to do what is right for them. That being said, poly marriages in the past been only polygamous and women have suffered for it. And while women may consent to be in these kind of situations, how much choice do they really have if they are brainwashed into believe that God has ordained that they become the 5th wife to a man 40 years older than they are who is on welfare. (Not that I am saying that all Poly relationships fall into this trope, but that some do and how do you allow people in truly consensual poly relationships have that recognized while preventing this kind of abuse?) Of course, I also firmly believe that every state needs to outlaw underage marriage by consent of parents since the same kind of systemic abuse is possible.

  • Mintie

    I kinda want to know the story behind the blood-soaked, draped in the American flag picture.

    • Jon Sussex

      A Jon McNaughton gone wrong.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Thanks, Anti-Christ Obama!

      • jodyleek

        I am kind of hoping old Jonny McNaughty paints a touching portrait of this moron and his computer wrapped in Jeebus’ loving the embrace.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Do you? Do you really?

      • Mintie

        I do. I’m sure I’ll regret it immediately after, but I really do.

  • Bitter Scribe

    How and why is this guy still a lawyer?

    • GoutMachine

      How has this guy not Darwin Awarded himself out of the gene pool?

      • natoslug

        He’s not quite endowed well enough to hit anything electric in his laptops various orifices?

        • Bad Tom

          Sadly, computing has been made very safe.
          No high-voltage tubes left at all.

    • C4TWOMAN

      You;d be surprised the people who manage to stay in the good graces of their bar. Some states have basically “don’t make us look bad” clauses—one can be barred for immoral/unethical behavior unrelated to lawyering.

      Other states act like as long as the lawyer didn’t axe murder their own client, eh it’s all good. “You may be convicted of murder, but we won’t disbar you”.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Hey, give the poor guy a break. His wife left him. Is Orly Taitz available?

    • puredog

      I missed that the guy was actually a lawyer. I thought he was just your usual pro se wacko.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    wut

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Pardon me for stating the obvious, but it appears a certain someone’s cheese done slipped right off their cracker.

    • jodyleek

      I don’t think the squeeze-cheese ever hit the cracker in the first place.

  • I love a machine. It is a Yale forklift named “Harvard”. I love Harvard, particularly when it comes time to unload a large truck, what, with its freshly changed hydraulic fluid, its chain driven towers, its foam filled tires, and you should see the size of its propane tank!

    I have a friend who loves her forklift. It is a Hyster named “Shyster”.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      “He tried to kill me with a forklift!”

      https://youtu.be/vx7ldTl7txQ

      • Stories like that break my heart.

      • Thiazin Red

        This is the fight, Rocky and Ken

      • Jon Sussex

        Florida man usually goes with a front-end loader.

      • PixieThis

        Ole!

    • Bitter Scribe

      Toyotas with lithium-ion batteries or GTFO.

  • Daniel

    …How old is his laptop?

    • Jon Sussex

      Hasn’t reached the age of consent.

    • Bitter Scribe

      It’s the age of the OS that counts.

  • specialcircumstances

    I’m confident that he ensures he only looks at 18-21 year olds on the internet sex iMachine. Very confident.

  • Baconzgood

    Do people really waist the courts time with this bull shit? Have you ever been to court? It’s so boring. You can’t even play angry birds while waiting for your case to be called. It’s as exciting as listening to minutes of a town council meeting. Really. Get a hobby that doesn’t cost tax payers money. Like model trains or unnecessary self surgery.

    • jodyleek

      One would think his computer aided masturbation hobby would keep him busy enough.

    • TJ Barke

      Hey, sometimes you can overhear some really juicy gossip.

    • puredog

      I feel your pain, but the alternative — allowing some douche clerk to decide whether a lawsuit can be filed AT ALL — is much worse than universal access. These bogus lawsuits take up little time, are quickly identified for what they are, and are ushered to the Moon Door with great speed.

  • Panika MCD

    you mean that Pee Wee can’t really marry fruit salad?! GAME OVER MAN! I quit.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B6bXWuKWW0

    • mailman27

      What a great show. I used to make my kid watch it so I had an excuse. She thought it was inexpressably lame.

  • Three Finger Salute
    • SeeTrain65

      “Thanks, Clippy. I can do this on my own.”

  • Bitter Scribe

    I sure hope this guy never watches the movie “Her.” His head might explode.

    • NotDarkYet

      My thinking exactly! There’s not a lot of people who have seen that movie, tho … I admit I liked it quite a bit …

  • Bitter Scribe

    The Plaintiff began desiring, younger more beautiful girls featured in porn videos than his wife, who was no longer 21.

    So this guy is enough of a douchebag to sue over being a douchebag.

    I don’t even know what to call this. Meta-douchebaggery?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Don’t blame me…blame society…and I’ll see society in court!”

      • The Wanderer

        “It’s a fair cop, but Society is to blame.”

    • AJ Milne

      It’s all well and good… right up until it collapses irrevocably into a doucheingularity.

    • Three Finger Salute

      I never meta douchebag I really liked.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    “I honestly hope someone gets him some help, because he does not seem right.”

    Joining the Trump administration in 3…2…1…

    • Bitter Scribe

      He can be chief of cybersecurity.

    • Three Finger Salute

      #ThanksReagan

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Secretary of Cyber Security!

      EDIT: Oh, hell, Bitter Scribe beat me to it.

      Well then, how about Lord High Keeper of the Tweets?

  • keinsignal

    Well, he’s either insane, or an incredible performance artist.

    FWIW, though, I’d say they should just let him marry his stupid computer. Then check up on him every few months. Does he still have the same computer? No? Did he file for divorce, then? Has he been faithful to his computer, or is there grounds for an adultery charge? Has he been keeping up-to-date on patches, or does he need some court-ordered counseling on spousal neglect and abuse?

    I like to imagine that some day, not long from now, they’re going to find this guy unconscious in a Motel 6 with a plastic bag over his head and a well-lubed erection, and about fifteen minutes after he’s pronounced comatose, his MacBook tells the doctors to pull the plug. (And then put it in again and see if he reboots).

    • Three Finger Salute

      Jack Kevorkian invented the Thanatron.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Avoid the defective early Thanatron I model that had to be recalled because instead of killing you, it made you immortal.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        That instrument in “Good Vibrations”?!?!?

    • mailman27

      Would his work computer be his mistress? (Or is his work computer a dude and he’s bi-curious!)

  • Nockular cavity
  • Boscoe

    The bowtie is usually a dead giveaway…

    • Jay Hansen

      Think: Tucker Carlson.

  • natoslug

    Stupid consent laws. This is part of why I still haven’t married Cote de Pablo. Well, that and the fact that she has no idea who I am, and my wife refuses unless Cote promises to do the dishes and fold laundry.

  • TJ Barke

    Your computer has no will and cannot consent. Next case please.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Details, schmetails.

    • natoslug

      That there would put an end to 99.997% of all Quiverfull marriages. How’s a common Josh Duggar supposed to get a wife if they have to be given their own will?

    • SisterArtemis

      Therefore, using internet porn is forcing your computer to engage in non-consensual sex? *sigh* I can, unfortunately, see someone making this argument in the for-reals world, probably to gain notoriety, and possibly to just fuck with other people. Or machines.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “No one came out of the woodwork saying, ‘Well, if you’re going to let the gays get married, then I should get to marry Mr. Ed!’”

    Ed was a gelding, which unfortunately is kind of a deal-breaker.

  • Marion in Savannah

    I haz a confooze… I’ve worked with various computers for (mumble mumble) years and I’ve NEVER had one start showing me porn against my will. Am I doing something rong?

    • natoslug

      Yes.

    • NotDarkYet

      You never had a computer tie you up in your task chair, force open your eyes with toothpicks, and expose itself to you?

      Weird.

      Me neither.

      • IdRatherBeDancing

        My computer blindfolded me, bound my wrists and proceeded to ….

        • NotDarkYet

          Do go on … ?!

    • Granny Sprinkles

      Once upon a time – when Millennial Daughter was 7ish – I was letting her check my email. Instead of typing “hotmail”, she typed “hotmale”…

    • jesterpunk

      You mean you never accidentally went to youporn.com when you meant to go to youtube.com?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I could understand it if you meant to google the phrase “urchins love mussels” and accidentally wound up with….

        • JustDon’tSayDignity

          …canned clams?

          • Yellerduck

            You monster!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Youmonster [dot[ com is for sale!

      • aureolaborealis

        “I swear … it just auto-completed! Then I auto-completed!”

    • Swampgas_Man

      Waaay back in the old days, you MIGHT get worms that showed porn ads continually on your screen, but even then, you had to visit a porn site first.

      • NotDarkYet

        In which case, you opened a can of worms?!

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          Or Pandora’s box…

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    I plan to marry the delicious box of concord grapes I am currently eating

    Good girls wait until the grapes have had change to age, mature, ferment and become the grapes they truly deserve. That’s how they become better girls.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      But they shun them they once they become raisins. They ain’t mooslims.

    • NotDarkYet

      A Dream Deferred?

    • MizzMazz

      And then us girls get together and drink them as wine.

  • PixieThis

    As I once said, ‘my fake crazy is a pale imitation when real crazy makes an appearance’

  • SisterArtemis

    You see, upon attempting to visit Facebook.com, Sevier accidentally typed in FUCKbook.com….

    I keep staring at my QWERTY keyboard, looking at the proximity of the “a” to the “u,” and the “e” to the “k,” and have concluded that either this guy is lying (say what?!?) or he is an EXTREMELY poor typist.

    • NotDarkYet

      Fat fingers?

      One-handed typing?

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Other hand was busy at the time.

    • Marsupial99

      I’m guessing that his explanation is that he is a potty-mouth online, and he is just SO USED to typing “FUCK” every ten seconds that, once he hit the “F” key, muscle memory took over. Of course, he then had to type “book” after it…

    • BearLeft

      Yeah, a real motherfacer.

    • chortlingdingo

      He could be typing on a Dvorak keyboard, which has the “a” and “u” only two letters apart.

    • SeeTrain65

      If only I’d looked downthread. About nine or 10 hours ago.

  • TJ Barke

    Clearly his computer is a succubus that seduced him against his will…

  • NastyBossetti

    His wife had some nerve, aging past 21!

    If you can’t tell the difference between porn and tangible intercourse, you’re doing it wrong, and your ex-wife is definitely better off without you.

    • SeeTrain65

      His ex-wife had all the justification she needed.

  • goonemeritus

    I’m suing Texas Instruments because you could spell out boobs if you turned your calculator upside down.

    • BearLeft

      And you’re, like, toadally exposed to liability for pointing that out. My life is ruined … I’m gonna run out and buy myself a really dickhead looking bowtie and blame it on the EPA. Because reasons.

    • SeeTrain65

      I’m suing Shell Oil for unwanted advertising. Same reason.

      (71077345)

  • Jennifer R

    Make a sentient bot that wants to get married to you and then go for it, right now you are doing the equivalent of wanting to marry a dog.

    • h4rr4r

      I would say worse than that. The dog while unable to give consent is actually living. Inanimate objects can’t even possibly be interested.

      • clairence

        .. or disinterested.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    I get a vibe from this guy that says that every one of his dates are first dates, and they all end with pepper spray and a restraining order.

    • Bad Tom

      Or possibly handcuffs, and a visit with the bail bondsman.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        And not in the good way.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Not to go off-topic, but… https://xkcd.com/415/

  • NotDarkYet

    This is a pale imitation of the movie Her, with Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson–

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Her_(film)

    I’m tired of all this derivative crap. Be more inventive in your craziness, MR. SEVIER!

  • mardam422

    Maybe they should just try living together first.

  • JayGoldenBeach

    Typical conservative moral scold in a bow tie.

  • Internet Hitler

    It would only last until he was inevitably drawn to some golddigging, slutty new iPad model. Then he’d have to sue Apple again.

  • The Librarian

    I hate to to make fun of this pathetic ass, but he’s using up resources filing frivolous lawsuits. Enjoy your porn addiction, dude, or get some help.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Well, just fuck. I will have a common-law marriage with my fax.

    • Yellerduck

      That’s a flimsy excuse for a relationship. (Olds may get this one.)

      • Mehmeisterjr

        That’s just variation on an old joke. A carbon copy, if you will.

  • Bad Tom

    Not machinists!
    Robosexuals.

  • mancityRed6

    I self identify as a machinist. hell, I just spent 8 hours doing that. and I volunteered to do six on Saturday.

  • hudson

    somewhat along these lines, can i sue diebold?

    because of them, i was not able to consummate my civil relations with HRC as my Madam President.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The Plaintiff began desiring, younger more beautiful girls featured in porn videos than his wife, who was no longer 21.

    Well The Plaintiff obviously hasn’t explored German porn to any significant extent or he could have protected himself and his marriage by viewing videos of women who are no longer 81 or even 91.

    And no, ignorance of the kink is no defense.

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      German scat porn libelz!!1!

  • Yellerduck

    “Sure kid, here’s your license. Both of you need to sign it.” Done.

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      And do they both need blood tests? Is that still a thing?

      • IdRatherBeDancing

        I think blood tests went the way of the do do bird. Back in the day when I was a wee embryoinc lawyer, I wrote a law review article on Illinois’ requirement to have marriage license applicants AIDS tested — which was a dumbfuck requirement.

  • ken_kukec

    Bride ex machina.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Krieger-san! My cherry blossoms are wilting!!

  • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba
    • mancityRed6

      the guy they had on Springer who “married” a horse was from down around Joplin, I think. or at least, supposedly. maybe it’s just an urban legend.

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        Conan had one of his best jokes ever , about a guy who was convicted of having sex with a horse, and then was convicted for the same thing a year later. “Now there’s a guy who won’t take “Neigh” for an answer.”

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Guy’s just upset that he can’t legally get his floppy disk into a USB port.

  • whitroth

    Right. There is an appropriate response to him. Let me quote the former (current?) calltaker for a major computer manufacturer:
    “Sir, do you still have the box the computer came in?”
    “Why, yes. Why do you ask?”
    “Because you need to pack up the computer and ship it back.”
    “Why is that?”
    “Because you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

    • James Baskin

      I’ve always said you should be legally required to prove competence with a computer in order to be allowed to touch them.

  • puredog

    My computer’s a girl. So that’s okay — right? (Desperately trying to keep up.)

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Let’s see, you’re fingering a girl computer everyday. That computer is probably not over eighteen years old and you are not a Dugger, so it’s probably NOT okay.

      • capnkrunch

        In that case, the computer be a boy really wouldn’t be any better.

  • Bemused

    Interesting, in an attempt to pretend to be crazy, this guy has actually exposed that he is in fact crazy. Also, who is fronting the cash for all these lawsuits?

    • clubseal

      Alimony from his ex-wife, A Dell.

  • Permit-holder Ron

    I admit it, I have loved every one of my Macs (except maybe that bitch of a Quicksilver G4) but we’ve always kept it platonic.

    • Zyxomma

      Same here. I’ve owned a number of Mac laptops, all hand-me-downs until my 2011 purchase of the MacBook Pro I’m still using. I didn’t know about macrumors.com before I bought it, or I’d’ve held off — it was the last model before the Retina display. I also got the last iPhone before Siri. Keeping the computer alive and well has been a chore — it was a buggy model, and Apple released it anyway. I’m on my fourth or fifth graphics card and motherboard.

      The last time I had this problem repaired, I brought it to the Apple store in SoHo. It was my first time getting anything Apple repaired since beloved Mac shop Tekserve closed forever. I can’t remember what the estimate was ($208? $311?), but I calmly explained how this was Apple’s fault, not mine, and the “genius” who looked at the machine’s history (all available to them on the web through the barcode) had to agree. She was not, however, authorized to do anything about it, so she told my sad tale to her supervisor. She got my repair done gratis, with the caveat that if (when) it dies again, I have to pay for it. I’m very gentle with it, because I’m still underemployed and have no money to repair or replace it.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Suing Apple because you’re a perverted dickhead… America, you never disappoint when it comes to stupid lawsuits.

    • SeeTrain65

      “Stupid lawsuits, you say? I’LL SUE YOU!” ; )

      (Kidding. I wouldn’t sue you, Lyly. Never you. Others, maybe. But not you. ; ) )

      • Lyly Sirivong

        Can I countersue if I’m being sued ?

        • SeeTrain65

          I wouldn’t expect anything less. Then again, if I’m stupid enough to sue you, I’d deserve the countersuit. ; )

  • clairence

    The Plaintiff could no longer tell the difference between internet pornography and tangible intercourse due to the content he accessed through the Apple products

    I’m beginning to see why Apple has such a cult following. Also, where can I get one of those? (asking for a friend)

    • Raan

      You know some idiot’s going to sue whoever ends up making holodecks for the same reason.

      • clairence

        or VR goggles… someone letting loose in front of an open window.

        • Hardly Ideal

          Having used VR before, I don’t even want to think about using one for porn. Sure, watching Kelly Chambers shake her virtual butt like you’re actually there sounds great, but the motion sickness doesn’t.

    • whitroth

      An Apple, or a cult following?

      • clairence

        either.

  • Raan

    I am disappointed that I didn’t think of this earlier.

    https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/gravityfalls/images/0/09/S1e8_woodpecker.png

    • chortlingdingo

      What excellent taste in shows you have.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    Like Robyn said — mutual consent is needed — the Mac had the good sent to withhold consent.

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      I don’t think he bothered to thoroughly read the terms of use prior to clicking “agree.”

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I mean, if I have to marry my computer, I want to install a solid state drive, first.

    • covfefesumgame0005

      I don’t know, I kind of like a big spindle!

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        I just need a nice big hard drive and a big memory

        • Rags

          and a joystick

    • phoenix00

      Don’t forget the mouse. A nice mouse attracts all the, uhh, pussies!

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Enter Chris Sevier? Don’t mind if I do.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    If anything, he should have sued Apple for making him drag his dick into the trashcan in order to eject it.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    Lawsuit? Or history’s most elaborate cover-up for hesitating when asked “how do I look in this dress”? You be the judge!!

  • alanb

    It is a shame that this guy was not properly warned by Apple. When I first used the Internet here’s what came up on my computer: https://randyseaver.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/the_internet_simplified1.gif

    • pixeloid

      Pro tip: most of the cats are also nude.

    • phoenix00

      You didn’t have AOL like the rest of us? Kids these days….

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    He’s not a bad looking gent — too bad he’s a batshit homophobe who very heterosexually stalks rugged C&W stars.

  • clubseal

    “The Plaintiff could no longer tell the
    difference between internet pornography and tangible intercourse due to
    the content he accessed through the Apple products … ”
    If you can’t tell the difference between slapping the clown and screwing your wife, porn ain’t your only problem.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    this has been said, I have no doubt, but as an attorney this vexatious litigant crap has extra special downsides for him – as in suspension. (Maybe disbarment if he keep it up? 4 Bullshit lawsuits in 4 states looks pretty bad)

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “How did you end up with a rooted iPhone stuck up your bottom, Mr. Sevier?”
    “I have an open-source marriage”

    • Rags

      Unix libelz!

  • RMKH

    Stop me if you’ve heard this one:

    He seems nice.

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      And super sane

  • I hope he is allowed to marry his computer.
    Then when he fails to protect it with a good antivirus, and it crashes and dies, he can be arrested for spousal slaughter.

    • “I knew I should have showed him Electro-Gonorrhea: The Noisy Killer

  • Aileen

    Seems like the issue of consent could shut this one down pretty quickly? I wish there were a special court for people like this to file their frivolous lawsuits. One that was not run with taxpayer dollars.

    • pixeloid

      Also pretty sure the computer isn’t of legal age.

  • aureolaborealis
  • Zyxomma

    First, even if one is a mecha, I’m sure his Apple is under 18, and therefore cannot consent. Second, wherever did you find Concord grapes this early in the year? They won’t be ripe for at least another month, IIRC.

  • aureolaborealis
    • pixeloid

      Beat me to it.

  • Poly_Ester

    If only his then wife would have activated the parental controls all of this could have been avoided.

  • SnowBomber

    I used to be friends with a woman who was only aroused by Transformers and MechWarriors. I swear to god, at one point she’d picked a specific one and slept with the toy and would cry if she was away from all of her stuff with its face on it for too long. Her house looked like a kid’s bedroom.

  • Spurning Beer

    I always suspected that machinists were really freaky. And toolmakers, too.

  • Scott1960

    So, ahem, how does he plan on ‘getting frisky’ with his blushing bride? USB port?

  • CovfefeOfTheThoughtlessMind

    He seems nice.

  • pgjack

    First I’d like to see the engagement ring and then I want to hear the computer’s consent. There might come a time when artificial intelligence makes marrying a machine a real question but that time has not come. As for the polygamists, form a legal partnership and be done with it. Personally I think all couples that want to form a permanent bond should get a legal partnership and then those who have religious cravings could go to whichever place of religiosity they favor and have a ceremony confirming their union under whichever god, goddess or gods they believe hold sway over the universe.

    • JCfromNC

      Yeah, I’d love to see the concept of, let’s call it “legal life partners” decoupled from the religious concept of “marriage”. You sign a standardized contact (or specialized one depending on your situations), with standardized conditions for dissolution, and you sign it with as many legally competent, consenting adults as you like.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    The poor computer, this fool will only give her a virus.

  • Weird Fishes

    I don’t remember America being this weird before. I mean, damagingly dumb.

  • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

    So he stalked a male country singer by sending soft porn (kind of fetish porn, imo), and we are to believe that his waning passion for his wife was due to her not being a hot 21 year old female porn star? I doubt he was watching hetero porn. Just a hunch. Also, that bowtie and gingham shirt.

    • SeeTrain65

      I’m glad YOU said it.

  • Alan

    Wait, did he actually find a lawyer to participate?

    • Alan

      Oops, he is the lawyer. He still has a license?

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    Isn’t Mrs Ed is married to Mr Ed.

  • SeeTrain65

    You see, upon attempting to visit Facebook.com, Sevier accidentally typed in FUCKbook.com …

    “Accidentally.” Yeah.

    On my laptop …

    The A key is approximately 3.75 inches from the U key.
    The E key is approximately 3.25 inches from the K key.

    How do you miss two keys by that much?

    Something tells me Mr. Sevier isn’t exactly telling the truth here.

    • Oh come on! It’s like when I try to innocently search for “pr0n” and all of a sudden, wham, all these nekkid people show up! So, see, it could happen to anybody!

  • pixeloid

    He wants to marry his computer? My life-size anime pillow waifu says that’s nuts.

  • phoenix00

    So has Sevier tried *CLICKING THE CLOSE BUTTON*??

  • Well? Would he have consummated the marriage? And I sure he wants to get started on impregnating his IMac (which as these type of people will attest to, is the only thing that makes a marriage worthwhile.)

  • blaid droog

    He seems to have big feet. I wonder if anything else is big.

  • I don’t like this remake of Her….

  • Keith Taylor

    No. He does not seem right.

  • Mechasexual? Right Mikka Jr that Optimus Prime poster is coming down right now, missy….

  • JDM

    I’ve known many machinists, and they do do a lot of grinding with machines, but this fella has maybe a bit too limited a vocabulary, cause grinding has several meanings he’s apparently unfamiliar with.

    • H0mer0

      confusing grinding with grindr?

  • Mike Steele

    Lady MS here: MS is a machinist. Many evenings, while I’m on the sofa watching Rachel and Lawrence, he’ll be dozing off in the big bed clutching the remote. Your research has unearthed the explanation for such perverted behavior. Thank you for your service:)

  • Molon Labe

    I thought the guy who sued Bethesda was bad, this dolt takes it to a new level.

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    so…this guy, chris?….an anti gay crusader?…methinks his gingham shirt-with-white-bowtie…and his ‘making of electronic music’…and his stalking of john rich…and just about everything else he say/does….doth screamingly and flamingly protest too much

    khaa-ryst, do these closeteers have to ruin everything?

    • H0mer0

      you should see how they ruined their closet.

  • James Baskin

    I suppose he intends to attempt conjugation with the earphone jack?

    • Carla Vandermeer

      Pretty sure his weenus would fit.

  • DJG

    Sy Borg says it’s called appliantology

  • Moar Wordz

    Honey, I still love U, but my biological predilections to porn have made me want to Fap with computer images, videos, and dirty, dirty web cams. And not have sex in real time with you.
    You are no longer 21 and won’t do the real kinky stuff I’m finding on the ‘net.
    My computer never has a headache or her period. It’s true she can’t hold a conversation, bring me a beer, give me a massage, make me a sammich or really LOVE me, but love’s overrated, n’est-ce pas?
    She also can’t give hugs or laugh at my jokes but I’ve found ways around that.
    I never have to pay for dinner or make she sure she comes. Listening to you yak or having a fucking knee shaking orgasm ? I mean, what would you have done ?!? If you had a dick? With needs.

  • Gussie Jives

    Huh… clearly a well-adjusted human being.

    • HooverVilles

      Clearly. The derp is yoooge with this one.

  • Jim QuinnX

    Don’t stop . . . writing . . . about sexual . . . congress . . . with machinOOOOOOOOOOO.

  • YayConspiracy

    Chris doesn’t even know he lives in his closet.

  • matthewthawkins

    I am sure the Machinists Union loves being associated with this whacko.

  • goingohm

    Shame about the law license. I sense he could have provided Anthony Weiner with a novel defense.

    “…and then Your Honor, Miss Twitter solicited my client to unzip his trousers…”

  • Moar Wordz

    My gaydar went off on this guy.
    I’m not equivocating his possible homesexuality with his truly bizarre legal pursuits, bcse they’re two different aspects of his personality. As in, he’s NOT a bad person bcse he may be gay.
    I think he’s really troubled.
    Maybe he’s asexual ?
    He seems to like plastering images of himself w/ no clothes, covered in (hopefully)
    fake blood, bottom half covered by an American Flag, holding a kind of 🍬-ish translucent 💀 replica. It’s camp.
    Halloween !
    He feels his sexuality and marriage were destroyed by ” accidental ” addiction to computer porn. Been reading a lot abt men who say they lost interest in their partner bcse their internet porn is so addictive. But they didn’t lay the blame on 🍎, they realized that they themselves definetely had something to do with it. That’s the major difference. This guy acts like he has no agency.

  • I have a feeling that the Internet porn caused him to become “out of sync” with his wife had extra of peens and no vajuugy.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Jeeez. And to think I bought a Mac, a MacbookAir and an iPhone all for convenience of the iPorn app.

  • Chuck

    Never tried the Fuckbook website. Better not or I will try to penetrate my PC.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Please tell me he filed that pro se.

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