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Image: Hogan Lovells

Here’s a #HOTTAKE, Wonkers! When a stranger sends you an email that says,

I wish you nothing but joy when his hairy testicles get caught up in your throat

DO NOT ANSWER. No, not even if he baits you with,

Have fun choking Trump’s nutsack. Douche.

Nothing good will come of engaging with randos online. And that goes doubly if you happen to be employed at the White House as the president’s lawyer.

What is it about representing Donald Trump that causes attorneys to lose their damn minds? Trump’s attorney Ty Cobb was a respected partner at Hogan Lovells for years. Before that, he was a federal prosecutor. After only six weeks at the White House, the guy is emailing a reporter at 1:30 in the morning to ask, “Are you on drugs?”

(To be clear, Business Insider’s Natasha Bertrand wasn’t asking about Trump’s balls. She’d simply reported on the White House decision to fire James Comey in a way that pissed Ty Cobb off.)

After Business Insider published the email, Cobb twirled his mustache for an hour and announced, “Henceforth, I will refrain from dashing off confrontational emails in the middle of the night when I am in my cups! I will exercise good judgment to represent my client’s best interests and bring no further shame on the legal profession.”

HAHA. NOPE. Just 48 hours later, some dude emailed Cobb’s White House account out of the blue to ask,

How are you sleeping at night? You’re a monster.

And instead of hitting the delete button, he responded,

Like a baby …

In fancy lawtalk, we might jokingly call that an invitation to make an offer. Because Cobb’s interlocutor, Jeff Jetton, was just looking for an in. He probably assumed that an actual officer of the court would know better than to respond. But once Cobb opened the door, Jetton was off to the races.

Like a human baby or a baby monster? I envy you, with your ability to catch a good night’s zzzs. Despite all of the havoc you and your ilk are causing.

Then it descended into a discussion of Donald Trump’s saggy, orange junk.

At what point will you stop fondling the Don’s balls and say no, out of curiosity?

Right about then is when most lawyers would stop answering, for the love of God! But Ty Cobb is a maverick, we guess? He decided instead to delve into the details of his own personal finances. Because why the hell not?

Dude U have no idea! I walked away from $4 million annually to do this, had to sell my entire retirement account for major capital losses and lost a shitload to try to protect the third pillar of democracy. Your hate I will never understand as an American. Hope you get help!

But then a weird thing happened. The men actually had a civil, substantive conversation about why Cobb agreed to represent Trump.

Can say assertively the more adults in the room will be better. Me and Kelly among others. Over and out

As a lawyer, this was actually worse than talking about Trump’s balls. Because lawyers are not supposed to describe their clients as if they’re unstable children who have to be managed for the good of the country. Even if it’s true!

But Jetton saw his shot, and he took it.

If you knew me you’d understand that despite my gradeschool humor I’m as capable of polite discourse and dialogue as anyone. I’m actually genuinely curious as to what drives folks like you to give up their legacies and careers to stand side by side with him. Especially given the white supremacist dog whistles and heartless immigration tactics. Please explain. I take back the fellatio references. Can’t promise I’ll seek medical help though.

We at Wonkette have been wondering the same thing! If only we’d known that we could find out just by spamming the White House lawyers with messages about Donald Trump’s nasties! Cobb replied,

Three pillars of govt. All deserve a defense. Particularly with phony allegations and fake news. I am on’t be here for long but will be I my piece against bullshit Russian bullshit that hurts us now and is totally political limiting Russian cooperation against NK. This shit is real and real time. Got to go: Best, Ty

IDEA: Maybe get rid of the open bar at the White House and bring back spellcheck as the default email setting? It’s just a thought.

Business Insider broke the story after Jetton turned the emails over to reporter Natasha Bertrand, who is not on drugs. He also gave copies to Slate and Mother Jones, which published Cobb’s response.

I was trying to turn someone who appeared angry into a friend. And privately. My bad. This was what I believed to be a private conversation. There are many pros and talented people in the White House. I am proud to be there. It was not for public consumption but it appears I was catfished.

Okay, fella. We’re gonna let you slide on the meaning of catfishing, just as a senior citizen discount. But you are a goddamn lawyer! You thought you were having a confidential exchange with some nutjob you met online? And now you’re “disappointed” that people are reporting on it?

NO. JUST NO.

Here’s Jetton’s response published in Mother Jones.

Just as Mr. Cobb feels obligated by some warped sense of duty to the three pillars of government to add rocket fuel to Tump’s bastardized version of democracy, it’s our duty as citizen to speak up and voice our displeasure at every chance we get. I have done nothing wrong. Make no bones about it, if you are standing besides these monsters you are one of them. I do not care if you donated money to charity or registered as a Democrat, if you throw your principals away to board the train, you’re one of them…I do not feel sorry for Cobb and the capital losses on his retirement accounts. He’s made his bed and he can sleep it. And he seems to do so quite comfortably.

Exactly.

[Slate / Business Insider / Business Insider, again / Mother Jones]

Wonkette will never send you spam emails about Donald Trump’s testicles. If you give us money, we promise to send a nice thank you note with no icky swears. Unless that’s your thing, in which case, CAN DO!

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  • Nounverb911
    • Jeffery Campbell

      Make America Squee Again!

  • PubOption

    Trump lawyer with hairy nutsack successfully ‘bated????

  • kaydenpat

    Ty is good with White Supremacy which is why he is drawn to defend Trump. Period. No other explanation needed.

  • Indiepalin

    Ty Cobb is known as the Georgia Peach in baseball circles.

    • FlownΩver

      And as the Racist Asshole in other circles.

  • Joe Beese
    • Michael Smith

      Wow! Such vintage white supremacy! Haven’t heard subtle accusations of fifth columnism in a while.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Possibly true with some parishes, but I’d bet that “compassion” and “Christian charity” never crossed Bannon’s addled mind as reasons.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Or, you know, it could be all those bible references to welcoming strangers and refugees. But sure, toss out more red meat for the white supremacists. Why not?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, what’re you gonna do? Catholics are kinda funny that way, most of them having actually read significant portions of the Bible.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          As an ex-Catholic, there’s a lot about the Church I have problems with, but I will give them props for being consistent in their pro-life stance. They’re against both abortion and the death penalty.

  • bookish

    http://wildfiretoday.com/2017/09/07/military-mobilized-to-help-fight-wildfires/

    With the National Preparedness Level at 5, the highest level, the National Interagency Fire Center (NIFC) in Boise, Idaho has mobilized active duty military personnel to serve as firefighters to assist with wildfire suppression efforts.

    The National Multi-Agency Coordinating Group (NMAC) at NIFC requested the Department of Defense to provide 200 active duty military personnel to assist with firefighting efforts. The DoD has approved the request and identified the 1-2 Stryker Brigade Combat Team (23rd Brigade Engineer Battalion and 1st Battalion 23rd Infantry Regiment), 7th Infantry Division at Joint Base Lewis-McChord (JBLM) in Washington to provide the active duty military personnel. The Soldiers will be organized into ten crews of 20 persons each, all of which will be sent to the Umpqua North Complex which is burning on approximately 30,000 acres on the Umpqua National Forest, approximately 50 miles east of Roseburg, Oregon.

    • PubOption

      (((Roseburg))), let it burn. – The alt-right.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Cobb salad tosser.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Nothing good will come of engaging with randos online.

    It sorta depends on what kind of randos we’re talking about. I mean the right kind of rando and it could be fun. *wink wink nudge nudge*

    • Three Finger Salute

      Only at Wonkette (because they don’t allow comments), and never with your real name.

  • Scooby

    How did this guy have ‘major capital losses’ during the greatest stock market growth in history?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Buy high, sell low, even in these days. If what he says is true, he needs financial guidance along with “thoughts and prayers” for enabling assholes to be assholes.

      • Scooby

        He would have been better of with an index fund. What a moron.

    • John Thorstensen

      I wonder if he was griping about the fact he had to pay capital gains taxes on his winnings, and got, uh, confused.

    • ariel_gee_398

      And why would he have to cash out his retirement account? He’s presumably getting paid for this work, not working pro bono. Suggests he’s a bullshit artist willing to lie to make himself look more sympathetic. Wonder if he’d do the same for a client…

      • Scooby

        Exactly, he doesn’t have to sell anything. Putting it in a blind trust satisfies the requirements.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Does he even have to do that? He’s not a government employee. He’s a private attorney engaged by the President for a specific purpose. He’ll have no say in policy or legislative initiatives.

          • Scooby

            Your right I was thinking as he where WH Council.

      • FlownΩver

        Pretty rash to assume Donnie Two Scoops is actually going to pay him.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    This Jeff Jetton guy would be a natural at Wonkette. As for Cobb? That mustache says “do you know who I am?” every time he cuts in line at a crowded restaurant.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Ruby Tuesday is never that crowded.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Be he says it anyway…just ’cause he’s THAT guy.

    • Red Bird

      How do you know he isn’t already a member?

      • JeffJetton

        Bam. I’m here.

        • Red Bird

          Nice. Just for verification can you recite the policy on pants and canned clams? Hengh…?

  • stankbait

    Any man who is hired by a dick, to be a dick, is no doubt a dick!

    • cheetojeebus

      It’s dicks all the way down!!!1111

      • Jeffery Campbell

        And NOT in a good way.

      • jesterpunk

        How many miles of dicks is that?

        • Skeptical_thinker

          AOT, K.

        • cheetojeebus

          Like a dickteen zillion or so

  • Lance Thrustwell

    That dude was drunk as FUCK.

    • Covfefe

      And you, Lance? How would you get yourself through representing Donald Trump?

      • Lance Thrustwell

        No judgment on the drinkin’! Just the Trump-enablin’. However, I would like to believe that I would need to be near-dead from alchohol poisoning before I ever wrote the sentence “I am on’t be here for long but will be I my piece against bullshit Russian bullshit that hurts us now and is totally political limiting Russian cooperation against NK.”

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Palinesque, innit?

          • Major_Major_Major

            Nigh Trumpian in its simplistic incoherence and repetiveness.

          • Lance Thrustwell

            A thing O beauty.

        • Nockular cavity

          Wha? Makeshh todal senzzz cneifnanckf$3.>|*……

          • Werewolf

            Bqhatevwr.

          • FlownΩver

            Needz moar covfefe.

          • gedjcj

            As cliched as this may be, I still chuckle when I see it.

        • Jon Sussex

          “bullshit Russian bullshit”
          He almost sounds as if he believes that. lol.

        • weighmaster

          That is something else entirely.

      • Red Bird

        Very stern rebuttal.

      • natoslug

        High as fuck.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    [redacted out of disgust]

  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    Yes! This shit is real and real time! And so . . . he runs to defend an emotionally stunted sociopath who could start a nuclear war?
    This guy must be eating his own mustache wax.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    Obviously he sleeps like a baby. That’s why he was responding to e-mails in the middle of the night.

    • Nancy Duggan

      He doesn’t sleep, he passes out. Big dif.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “I gave up a very lucrative career in private practice to become another pathetic, broken-down alcoholic trying to defend a known sociopath from getting the justice he deserves. Please feel sorry for me.”

    • Jeffery Campbell

      As tho’ the Snidely Whiplash mustache didn’t draw enough scorn slash pity.

  • lucidamente

    So if I phone Mr. Cobb and ask him if he has Prince Albert in a can, what will happen?

    • therblig

      he’ll explain that his prince albert is in his junk, like a normal person’s.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Ouch! C’mon man!

    • John Thorstensen

      He will reply that his refrigerator is, in fact, running.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Who knew Wilford Brimley cosplay was a thing?

  • therblig

    many babies wake up crying every two hours. i guess working for trumpy could inspire that.

  • TJ Barke

    What the fuck is wrong with this country?

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Everything, Katie. Wait… that’s not correct usage, is it? So sue me. Lawyers!

    • Darlene Underdahl

      It’s hard to keep up. Every day…

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Alphabetically or by degrees of severity?

      • TJ Barke

        Yes.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Start with people like Cobb. Whether you work up, down, inward, or outward from there depends on the time of day.

    • Crystalclear12

      Sounds like a topic best covered in a doctoral thesis.

    • shivaskeeper

      A lot. But probably not as much as could be wrong.

    • natoslug

      How much time do you have? I’m 49, so I am not sure I can explain it all in my lifetime.

    • Three Finger Salute
    • Celtic_Gnome

      For starters, we have a command in chief who didn’t know you could droughts as far north as North Dakota.

      • TJ Barke

        Wait, what?

  • lucidamente

    “Hey, if I hadn’t taken this gig, that Zionist ambulance chaser Alan Dershowitz would have scooped it up.”

  • bookish

    http://nbcnews.to/2wKMMgF

    While these issues cut across all demographics, Oliva points out that Latinos represent three-quarters of farm workers and about 30 percent of restaurant, food, meat and poultry processing workers, but they are only 17 percent of the population. Latinos’ overrepresentation in the food system means both the problems plaguing the food system and possible solutions strongly impact Latino workers.

    In 2008, several worker organizations, including the Coalition of Immokalee Workers, Brandworkers International, Northwest Arkansas Workers’ Justice Center, and CATA, met to discuss the issues they were separately facing. The talks became the catalyst for the creation of the Food Chain Worker’s Alliance the following year.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Sinister scenario: they’re getting ready to replace the laborers with $0 robots.

  • Vincent Ricola

    “And privately. My bad. This was what I believed to be a private conversation.”

    Spoken like a lawyer who I wouldn’t let defend me in a jaywalking case.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Ya gotta love the facial hair – it’s like a moustache love child from Wilford Brimley and Hercule Poirot

    • Major_Major_Major

      It’s as if Wilford Brimley was cosplaying as Salvador Dali.

      • Nockular cavity

        His tenure at the White House has pushed Wilford over the brink, apparently.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Is it too late for me to say “I see what you did, there”? It is, isn’t it? Dammit.

      • Three Finger Salute

        #Dalibeetus

  • cheetojeebus

    Will no one think of the sweaty ballsacks?

  • Thorn Spike

    It’s obvious that anyone agreeing to represent Trump has already lost his mind.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Gotta admit, about the only fun I have these days is watching those who have placed themselves in Trump’s orbit get their souls literally crushed to dust in public.

  • BigCSouthside

    Cobb looks like he’s from about 1873 but talks like a 15 year old.

  • Michael Smith

    Oh sure, you didn’t know and/or secretly hope that this would be published?

    • dshwa

      Given his history of stuffing his lawyers, and contradicting his own public statements on Twitter, you do have to be pretty gullible to be trumps lawyer. He may have thought it would be released, but maybe he didn’t.

  • Wild Cat

    So he dips his mustache into a glass to stir his drink? Or does he just douse it in the a.m. and slowly slurp it all day during court hearings to ward off the DTs? And yes, Screaming Hairy Armadillo Babies are cuter and have more integrity.

    • marxalot

      Screaming Hairy Armadillo Babies is an excellent name for a San Antonio based anarchist prog rock/direct action collective and school lunch program.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Make it so!

    • MyLovelyNose

      Special absorptive fibers in the mustache can store a week’s worth of whiskey up there.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Isn’t it interesting that we automatically assign substance abuse as the probable reason for the bizarre behavior exhibited by everyone in the Trump circle? Maybe they’re all just assholes.

  • ariel_gee_398

    The BEST people.

  • dshwa

    Over or under 1.5, the number of times this guy has or will fall for the “Nigerian Prince scam?

    • jesterpunk

      AOT,K?

    • Me not sure

      Well,… he did drop me a big check.

      Nnamdi not sure, Prince of Benue

    • Three Finger Salute
      • mailman27

        Eddie Murphy on the hundred pound note?

  • Crystalclear12

    Huh.
    I thought Cobb was the smart one.
    Lesson learned.

    • jesterpunk

      The bar is so low that just knowing the 3 branches of government makes you the smart one.

      • Jamoche

        It’s more than Donnie knows.

      • Three Finger Salute

        “Moe, Larry, and Cheese”

    • Daniel Hooper

      He’s a lawyer for Trump. There IS no smart lawyer who’d take Trump.

    • natoslug

      I thought Cobb was a racist sportsball person. And dead. Learning that he is livin’ and lawyerin’ was a bit surprising.

      • Werewolf

        Ty Cobb (the sportsball player) libel! His reputation as a racist and a dirty player is based on one biography which was basically a hit piece.

      • Crystalclear12

        The more ya know. . . the more ya drink.

  • Nasty Woman Persisted
    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      That’s awesome. Someone needs to giffify that.

    • natoslug

      I am highly disappointed in her. Where’s the swift kick to the “reporter’s” testicles, followed by screaming “stranger danger!”?

    • Querolous

      “How are you young man?” Yeah, he’s an idiot.

  • bookish

    Statement from Facebook re: ad buys.

    https://newsroom.fb.com/news/2017/09/information-operations-update/

    There have been a lot of questions since the 2016 US election about Russian interference in the electoral process. In April we published a white paper that outlined our understanding of organized attempts to misuse our platform. One question that has emerged is whether there’s a connection between the Russian efforts and ads purchased on Facebook. These are serious claims and we’ve been reviewing a range of activity on our platform to help understand what happened.

    In reviewing the ads buys, we have found approximately $100,000 in ad spending from June of 2015 to May of 2017 — associated with roughly 3,000 ads — that was connected to about 470 inauthentic accounts and Pages in violation of our policies. Our analysis suggests these accounts and Pages were affiliated with one another and likely operated out of Russia.

    • Red Bird

      Idiots. Glad I dint do FB. They’re busy collecting and selling our data.

    • theblackdog

      As my friend Brian likes to say “If you’re using a free service, you’re not paying for the product, you are the product.”

      Facebook was really cagey about the fact the ad buys occurred in the first place and lord knows how much data the ad buyers are given. It seems like the prudent thing would be to not give Facebook and its ad buyers any more data by deleting your Facebook account.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Burn it down. Burn it all down. Put Zuck in prison for treason so that he gets nowhere near 1600 Penn.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Cobb may be referring to something other than what we think when he talks lovingly of Trump and that “third pillar of democracy”.

    • ariel_gee_398

      If that’s the third pillar, no wonder our democracy is atilt.

      • marxalot

        It’s the short leg that makes the chair wobble.

        • Jon Sussex

          That’s a dick joke, right?

          • Major_Major_Major

            I know my third leg is shorter than the other two. Broke my left leg as a kid, and it didn’t get set correctly.

            I’ll be here all week, try the veal.

  • jesterpunk

    Are tax payers paying for this guy?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Of course. It’s not a good scam unless you get the mark to pay for your legal defense, too.

  • spangled

    spending time with trump appears to magically turn you into an unprofessional nutjob like him.

    for real, if i had done this at my low-paying and not important job, i would be fired. but there are no standards whatsoever in the white house.

    • TJ Barke

      He’s got some sort of contagious memetic disease.

      • Three Finger Salute

        That old Meme Magick?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Honestly. How many “respected” people have been willing to totally debase themselves to stay in his orbit? He’s like an idiot Svengali.

    • SayItWithWookies

      If someone sent something to my work email, I’d have been sober when I answered it the next damn morning because my low-paying and not-important job doesn’t obligate me to respond to every crank the second I get something in my inbox.

  • Rags

    Unfortunately, Jetton needs to work on his grammar (beside, not besides) and spelling (principle, not principal).

    • John Thorstensen

      Who can forget Principle Poop at the Pep Rally?

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        That’s the spirit here at Morse Science High!

        • puredog

          “EAT IT RAW!”

          • John Thorstensen

            Thank you, fellow kids.

    • Nockular cavity

      Yes, it’s not up to our high standards. But keep working at it, bunglecunts, and one day you, too, will be unable to comment at Wonkette.

      • JeffJetton

        It was real time. I make mistakes. But I stand by the message.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Dysfunction Junction, no compunction.

    • JeffJetton

      I am ashamed.

      • Rags

        No worries – probably your pants were too tight. We don’t wear them ’round here….

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Boy…I bet his ex-girlfriends get some real doozies when he starts drunk-dialing in the middle of the night.

  • jesterpunk

    I have legal advice for Trump. Cn I have millions of dollars now?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx40udwQvZI

    • John Thorstensen

      What makes you think Trump will actually pay his lawyers? Cobb already flunked that particular intelligence test.

      • jesterpunk

        Maybe they are all gritting off tax payers?

        • Johnny Appleseed

          Ya, that would be a first!

  • marxalot
  • Crystalclear12

    And Hillary didn’t get elected because of her email habits!?!?!?

    • Proud Liberal

      Defies logic doesn’t it?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Her late-night drunk emails probably were things like “Sixteen well-researched and considered policy proposals for improving school attendance rates for girls aged 9-13 in Mali.”

      • marxalot

        Oh my God, Hil, we get it. Go. To. Bed.
        -Mrs Clinton’s entire Wellesley ’69 Facebook group

      • Three Finger Salute

        Well, then it was her emails. Clearly she was guilty of disseminating communist propaganda like teaching black girls to read.

      • Courser_Resistance

        I once got shit-faced drunk at a little bar near Ketchum, Idaho. They found me in a corner discussing livestock losses with a bunch of sheep ranchers. I’m such a fucking geek, even when I’m piss-drunk.

        • calliecallie

          We love that about you.

    • calliecallie

      Well, you know, some of them they were about The Good Wife.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    I thought Cobb was the salad Trump likes.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Fake news. Trump only likes word salad.

  • The Wanderer

    (blinks, bangs head on wall) What the fuck? No, seriously, what the fuck?

  • SayItWithWookies

    If I remember my Taoism correctly (and it was a long time ago, so — maybe?) the philosopher Chuang-tzu was invited to be an aide to the Emperor — an offer that could hardly be refused. Chuang-tzu knew that even to sit at the court was perilous because though it promised great wealth, it could also end up with you losing your head at the Emperor’s whim. To the two envoys who had been sent to bring him back with them, he said “Look at that turtle down there in the pond, dragging his tail in the mud. He knows nothing of your intrigues, your wars, your budgets, you courtly manners, and he is perfectly happy doing exactly what he’s doing. Now leave me to drag my tail in the mud.”

    It was a very wise decision — but hell, it was only 2600 years or so ago, and wisdom travels slowly.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      FAKE PARABLE!!11!!!

    • Three Finger Salute

      Fake news. The earth is only 2,000 years old. Jesus invented it, you heathen.

    • Bright Bart

      Ryokan San, centuries later in Japan, was asked to become the priest of a powerful Shogun, he promised to build him a temple, elevate his status etc. Ryokan replied simply with a poem;
      “The wind brings fallen leaves to my door, enough to build a fire”

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Of course it does, because turtle.

    • calliecallie

      I was going to make a joke about Mitch McConnell and Elaine Chao, but decided it might be racist, so I will not.

      • BreakingDeadMen

        You don’t want to libel the turtlez, good call

  • Proud Liberal

    I long for the days when adults are in the White House again. This shit show has to stop.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I long for the days when we don’t have to question whether there are adults in the White House.

    • Three Finger Salute

      It’ll be when Canada and Europe implement their version of a Marshall Plan. Poor Frau Merkel will have the task of de-Nazifying the Americans. At the Nuremberg Trials, Justin gets to punch all the Nazis one by one, and then they get sent to Macron’s guillotine. While pink kimono Korean lady reports on it, with such exuberance and glee.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Can I come live in your world? I love the way it sounds.

        • Eileen Besse

          I want to live there, too.

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    They say gonorrhea eventually drives you insane.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Apparently, working for gonorrhea does the same.

    • Proud Liberal

      Well, apparently, the entire fucking lot of them have gonorrhea. All of this is fucking insane.

      • Three Finger Salute

        Emphasis on fucking insane, what with it being the Vietnam Disease and all…

    • marxalot

      There’s an antibiotic-resistant strain these days, you know.

      • Jeffocaster in the West

        Republicus Streptocockhead?

      • Ghenghis McCann

        ‘Gonorrhoea is a myth created by the antibiotics makers to make you go out and buy their products.’ Rush Limbaugh (probably).

      • Three Finger Salute

        Thanks, hippies.

    • Cock Blockula

      I thought that was syphilis. Spirochetes and all that…

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    You know I have noticed that lately RWNJs have been co-opting famous not so right wing celebrities names…..Ty Cobb, Steve King, Joe Walsh, what is with that?

    • natoslug

      I’m waiting for a white, middle-aged Arsenio Hall to show up somewhere in this admin.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Yeah, I was waiting for Joe Walsh to weigh in and say that Maseratis are a liberal conspiracy to make the hurricanes go 185.

  • Wolf Tracker

    I hear a twinge of guilt and regret in those responses!

    I agree everyone deserves the defense of an attorney even the most worse of criminals.

    Just follow the ethical standards that apply to all lawyers Ty.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Looks like someone slid spikes-first into Ty Cobb’s hairy nutsack.

    • Three Finger Salute

      Nah, Oatmeal Man there looks like he wouldn’t even get on deck, let alone make it to first base.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    $4M/year and he has the response judgment of a cat chasing a laser pointer? That law firm has idiots for partners, and clients too… Oh ya, AND he pisses on his one and only current client in the process?! Someone needs to relearn what it means to be a grown-up in the room…

  • IdiotsforPalin

    1.30 in the morning? Was he sending her dick pics?

    • natoslug

      Up early to start the day-drinking required to get through another day working for Trump.

      • Major_Major_Major

        4 hours, bottle to throttle, bitche Glug, glug, fuckin’ glug.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Me: Up early to start the day-drinking required to get through another day in the Trump Universe.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Sleeping like a baby?” He wakes up every couple of hours and cries his eyes out?

    • Wolf Tracker

      Fills his diaper and cries for his bottle and binky.

    • natoslug

      Still falls asleep on his mother’s breast, suckling.

    • Bebecca

      No, that’s us.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      You stole that from John McCain, didn’t you?

      • TundraGrifter

        No – from a sportsball coach (I believe it was NBA) who had just lost a star player to injury.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    Well I have to admit that I respect that after the throwing of insults he did answer the guy’s questions. Not smart as a lawyer maybe but still.

  • I Happened

    If nothing else, Cobb learned it’s futile to be rational with wonks.

  • Wolf Tracker

    OT: Breitbart regulars not happy with Trump and working with Dems on DACA.

    Talk of civil war.

    Music to my ears!

    • I Happened

      Trump just bitch slapped them a little. The threat is I’ll get it done, with or without you and Trump knows the Dems are desperate for any kind of relevance, so it might work

      • Three Finger Salute

        Well, he did say during the campaign that he donates to “many sides” and hedges his bets accordingly. The problem with this is that it’ll also cause the Bernbrats to dial their war against the “establishment” up to 11 and toast the Democrats in 2018.

        • I Happened

          Burnt toast with egg on face seems to be a Democrat delicacy.
          ABC

      • Celtic_Gnome

        R’s wanted an 18 month extension on the debt ceiling so it wouldn’t be an issue until after the midterm elections, and the D’s wanted 3 months because that gives them leverage when it comes up again.

        Did Trump send a great big FU to the Republican leadership or get played by D’s who know how to play the game better than him?

        Why not both?

    • Boscoe

      I swear, it’s all just Civil War Mad-Libs with those people…

  • bubbuhh

    RWNJ disguised as someone’s Matlockian grandpa confuses whole internet with Breitbart

    • Three Finger Salute

      Andy Griffith libelz.

      • Helene Logan

        Yep, especially since Andy was a Democrat Lie-bral!

  • Three Finger Salute

    That actually sounds like something the baseball Ty Cobb (who this one is apparently descended from) would say. Probably to a “dancing girl” he met (and drunkenly beat up) at a speakeasy. The Victorian era wasn’t as prudish as people think.

    I will say this though, if this maladministration has proven anything, it’s that the oh-so-pious Republicans are no more immune to sinking to the lowest, most vulgar levels of raunch culture as the rock-and-roll Democrats. So much for draining the swamp and “when they go low, we go high.” Maybe if they got high they’d be a little more chilled out.

    • Courser_Resistance

      Hmm, I think I found my new mantra. “When they go low, we get high”. I like it, it’s snappy!

      • Three Finger Salute

        “I was gonna deport some kids, but then I got high
        I was gonna lie about what Russia did, but then I got high
        I was gonna get some quo for quid, now I don’t know why
        Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high!
        La-da-da-da, da-dee-da…”

        • I Happened

          ABC

  • I Happened

    My thought is Trump really wants to be rid of them but wants Congress to take the heat.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Trump doesn’t care one way or the other. He did it for the cheers at the rallies. Full stop.

    • Iron Monkey

      I don’t think he cares a bit about the Dreamers, only how his actions toward them is perceived.

  • I Happened

    Probably what will happen is, Trump will trade for the wall by giving DACA American Nationals status. You can stay, but no special perks.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    The first rule of email is “Don’t write anything you would be unhappy to see quoted in the newspaper.” So, there’s that. But I still feel a little bad for the guy.

    On the other hand, “the two adults in the room” is a valuable contribution to the literature on the Trump White House.

    And on the third, prank mannequin hand, the 1890s would like their moustaches back.

    • MrTusks

      Don’t write anything you wouldn’t want read aloud at your deposition.

  • BearLeft

    … the “third pillar of democracy” being what? Bad hair? Excuses for policy pulled from one’s ass and applied with tiny thumbs in the middle of the night? I guess Article 2 of the Constitution (the Presidency) got demoted to third upon the Donad’s assumption of the royal potty.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      In fairness, I think he just used “third” as shorthand for “one of the three”.

      OTOH “Third pillar” sounds kinda muslim-y if you ask me. A real American would have said “Third branch”.

      But he’s only a lawyer, we can’t expect him to be good with words?

  • TundraGrifter

    So Wilford Brimley has a new ‘tache?

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      That, or Geraldo got a really terrible full torso transplant

  • TundraGrifter

    “…had to sell my entire retirement account for major capital losses…”

    The stock market doubled while Mr. Obama was our President. What in the world was he invested in? Too bad he didn’t put it all into basket options.

    Or – why not just form a blind trust?

    Finally – why did he have to liquidate his holdings? Is he being paid by the taxpayers? I thought he was representing Mr. Trump as a private person.

    And if he really did have to, isn’t there a loophole for people who take a hit when selling in order to go to work for the Federal government?

    • I Happened

      He probably realized Obama’s economy was really a Ponzi scheme and this was s good reason to exit.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Maybe he was shorting everything? “The crash is a-comin’, I know it.”

      Or he spilled brandy on his copy of Action #1 when he was taking pictures of it for the e-bay listing?

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      He lost his money when the bottom fell out of mustache wax futures.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Fracking did a number on the mustache wax market, that’s for sure.

    • Boscoe

      “Is he being paid by the taxpayers?”

      You seriously think Trump is paying anyone out of his OWN pocket?

    • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

      He’s lying, just like all the rest of them.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      It’s probably a simple lie, but let’s go ahead and imagine something darker.

      Like, I dunno, maybe he “donated” his investments to the Trump Foundation, and was expecting to get an even bigly-er kickback once all those Russian Sanctions went away.

      And oddly enough, just like traditional scammer clockwork, suddenly Ty’s return on investment value (according to Trump) somehow became considerably less, and he’s on the hook contribute more. Like, say, in kind, for defensive legal services.

  • OddMan

    As a man who sports a big curled waxed (actually we use super Dippity Doo) mustache, I have to say Mr. Ty Cobb Esq AA makes us all seem well . . . odd.

    • TundraGrifter

      Dapper Dan libulz! (Yes, I know that’s a hair pomade.)

  • Carpe Vagenda

    In fairness, since we’re being pedantic, it was their principles Trump et al threw away, I think. I’m pretty sure none of his principals stuck with him after he coldcocked his music teacher.

    I know, sb they’re principles for strict Murphy’s law compliance.

  • The Librarian

    Yes, lawyers should know better, this was hardly an attorney-client privilege exchange. If you’re going to put your doucheiness on display for the world to see, you better be prepared for the backlash.

    • Boscoe

      He can’t help it if he is so warm-hearted and trusting.

      ROFL

      • The Librarian

        Indeed. As with most trolls, he used that sad “r u high?” line or “take your meds”.

        • BreakingDeadMen

          He’s not even a good troll, let alone lawyer. Though this shows they are similar types of artists.

  • mardam422

    Rule 1: Don’t feed the trolls. But thank Dog he did…heehee.

    • BreakingDeadMen

      These guys are so lawless, they can’t even follow internet rules. Well, except Rule 34, allegedly.

  • BreakingDeadMen

    Trump will regret hiring this fool. He could have had Lou Gherig, but no, he didn’t want to pay the extra $20 an hour.

  • susan_g

    This stooge should have just stuck to doing those diabetes ads.

  • FlownΩver

    Needz moar covfefe.

  • Pisto75666

    “Henceforth, I will refrain from dashing off confrontational emails in the middle of the night when I am in my cups!”

    In my cups? What is this, the 1890’s?

    • Permit-holder Ron

      It would explain the sudden reappearance of robber barons.

      • Pisto75666

        I hope this means feathered hats make a comeback!

  • Poly_Ester

    Taking major capital losses because he had to sell his retirement account? During the Trump bull market? Ty must be a poor investor, too.

  • Mavenmaven

    It’s like this entire administration spends the early morning on the toilet with their phones in their hands.

  • ez

    ‘sleep like a baby’

    Wake up crying with crap in your jammies.

    • TundraGrifter

      Double Jinx!!

      • ez

        I’ve been away most of the day so, my bad for not checking for duplicates, triplicates, happy foursomes… :-)

  • Royal Ugly Globalist Dude

    He sleeps “like a baby?” That explains why he was awake and throwing a tantrum at 1:30 in the morning.

    • TundraGrifter

      Jinx!

    • Boscoe

      Maybe he sleeps like a baby VAMPIRE.

  • TundraGrifter

    Well I remember when members of the Tea Party first described themselves as “Tea Baggers” and I thought to myself “It’s obvious they don’t read Wonkette.”

  • VirginiaWackelpudding

    He will be you’re fired on Friday.

    • Swampgas_Man

      CAN Trump actually fire any more Washington law-talkers? He’s gone through so many of them, and a lot more are avoiding him.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      He’s one of the few people who can stand up to Trump and not be fired.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Rookie mistake by a supposedly seasoned lawyer-person. Mr. Cobb really, really, really should have known better. Does working for Trump make one an easy target for trolling?

    If only I didn’t have any scruples…

    • Permit-holder Ron

      I can hold them for you if you like.

    • Brian Fowler

      If Mr. Cobb knew better, would he be working for Trump in the first place?

  • PixieThis

    “Like a baby” Interesting choice of words because most babies don’t sleep all that well at first. They wake up hungry in a dark place and they get a little scared. So they start to cry because they’re afraid and often, they soil themselves, which can make them cry because they’re uncomfortable.

    So sleeping like a baby means he wakes up alone and afraid, hungry and confused and probably soils himself. Makes perfect sense.

  • Permit-holder Ron

    My theory ()which is mine) is that Donnie’s bloated corpus exudes a colourless, odourless gas similar to ‘obnoxygen,’ which lowers the IQ of anyone who spends any time in his vicinity by at least 20 points.

    • Petunia Cat

      😮 This is clearly true!

      Obnoxygen . 😂😂😂

  • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

    So, a professional lawyer is trying to assert that a conversation he was having ON TWITTER was “private”? What is he, a seventh grader?
    ETA: it was email, not Twitter. However, same.

    • Boscoe

      Personally, I think it is clear he knew from the start that this would go public, which is why he endeavored to appear even-handed and emphasized his “personal sacrifices”. He knew from the start he would spin the whole thing into a “I’m just a really nice, naive person with boundless faith in humanity who just thought I was making a new friend, but the horrid liberal person stabbed me in the back, as they are wont to do.”

      • Cat Cafe for the Prosecution

        YASSS this is exactly it.

  • WIDTAP

    “I take back the fellatio references.”

    See, that’s your mistake right there.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Exactly right!

      They both know it was more like “cunnilingus.”

      • BreakingDeadMen

        Analingus

  • Zyxomma

    Thanks, $5F. Exactly, exactly, exactly.

  • Mike Steele

    No damned wonder DJT doesn’t want to pay anybody…this guy calls himself a ‘lawyer’? Christ on a cracker, we’ve seen better public defenders for MS-13 in Reading, PA!

  • Bitter Scribe

    AFAICT this guy honest to God thinks that Trump is being unfairly persecuted. There are a lot like him in this country, dog help us.

    • Mike Steele

      No…definitely figure this guy thinks he’ll get paid for espousing such nonsense. Then again.., you may be right, and he might believe it. Either way, he’s way wrong, and will end up way broke with his reputation in tatters. Sometimes follow @therickwilson, a hard-core conservative but virulent anti-Trumper, on Twitter. His mantra is ETTD. IOW, everything Trump touches dies. So far, so accurate. Let’s not be too forgiving. Cobb knew, going in. Either he drank the Kool-Aid (or whatever else keeps him posting all night), or he figures – like Trump – that no press is bad press, provided they spell his name right.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Ohio Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell had all the commemorative plaques he’d received for addressing various groups hung on a wall outside his office, even the one from a township volunteer firefighters group made to Kenneth J. Blackwell.

        • Mike Steele

          Lady MS: I remember that fool. How’s come he isn’t working in the West Wing…yet…?

          • Celtic_Gnome

            He’s on KKKris KKKobach’s voter fraud committee.

          • Mike Steele

            Shoulda seen that coming…thanks for bringing us up to speed.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I once saw an email exchange that was supposed to be between two lawyers about a third they were working with on a big case with very disparaging remarks about the third lawyer. Unfortunately, the lawyer making the disparaging remarks hit Send All so the lawyer being disparaged saw the whole exchange.

    Disparaging lawyer apologized profusely. Disparaged lawyer responded with essentially “We’re cool. You expressed your honest opinions, but the only thing that matters is what’s best for our clients.”

    And that’s how you lawyer email.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Did he ever address whether or not he choked on Trump’s nutsack?

    I suppose it’s implied when he said he sleeps like a baby, that he means post-joyful scro-gargle.

  • JMP

    “What is it about representing Donald Trump that causes attorneys to lose their damn minds?”

    That’s getting cause and effect backwards; because he is a nightmare of a client, only attorneys who have lost their damn minds are willing to represent Donald Trump.

  • Internet Hitler

    Fits in well with this gang. Rich. Arrogant. Believes he can get away with anything, and super-defensive when called on it.

  • Alan

    Oh fuck you. All these douchebags can come up with is I’m rich, therefore…. It actually makes him stupid, not noble.

  • try to protect the third pillar of democracy.

    Lol he means protect it from Trump, right? Cause it sure sounds like he and Kelly are trying to protect democracies from trump!

  • Petunia Cat

    😂🤣 Trump always has THE WEIRDEST lawyers. I mean look at this guy. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m starting to, when I’m sleepy, get him confused with the Crying Nazi’s lawyer who dresses up like an 18th-century town crier. Wait, are they the same person!? 😮

    Trump’s lawyers are like some weird offbrand copy of a well-known toy. Silly Potty. Lincoln Lozenges. Itch-A-Sketch. Lago. Hungry Hungry Harpos. Don’t Spill the Bees. ⚖️

    • +Anonymous

      I don’t know about that, but our dear “five dollar feminist” certainly chose an unflattering picture of this one.

      • Heyzeus Ahchay

        You can’t flatter that with any picture.

        • +Anonymous

          Only a painting would do.

  • +Anonymous

    I’m guessing that most of us who fell for the clickbait title were also “successfully baited with a hairy nutsack” ourselves.

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      Speaking for yourself, I assume.

      • +Anonymous

        The baiting and the clicking were unrelated events.

  • Ducksworthy
  • Heyzeus Ahchay

    “I walked away from $4 million annually to do this, had to sell my entire retirement account for major capital losses and lost a shitload to try to protect the third pillar of democracy.”
    Lie, lie, lie. Like all Trumpanzees, he’s just another scumbag willing to take Trump’s money in return for lying about everything to everyone. If he walked away from $4 million for a year, he’s getting $5 million this year from the Orange Hitler, then he’ll go back to making his measly 4. If he really wanted to defend democracy, he’d be working against this asshole of a president, not for him. Sleep tight, asswipe.

  • phoenix00

    Over here, we call Ty Cobb “Shit For Brains”

  • Odd Jørgensen

    I can haz icky swears?

  • schmannity

    NEVER TAKE BACK FELLATIO REFERENCES! I believe this is in the commenting rules or should be.

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