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Have you been looking at the footage of the devastation caused by Hurricane Harvey and thinking to yourself, “You know what this whole thing really needs is someone to announce that the blame for this natural disaster really falls squarely on the shoulders of gay people and women who have abortions!” I know I have. After all, if a horrific storm floods an entire city and no one is there to blame it on sluts and gays, did it even really happen?

Now, with Pat Robertson — whose job it traditionally is to place such blame — in the hospital after having fallen from a horse recently (get well soon, Pat!), and Tony Perkins likely keeping his mouth shut given that own house was destroyed by floods in Louisiana last year, someone had to pick up the slack. And that person, we are thrilled to report, is “Coach” Dave Daubenmire.

Yes. According to the “Coach,” this giant flood is Houston’s punishment for abortion and having previously elected a lesbian mayor. The current mayor is a heterosexual black man, but apparently god works on tape delay.

Daubenmire ranted:

“Houston, we got a problem here. Could some of the problems be the result of the judgment of God coming your way because of the slaughter of unborn children? You had a lesbian mayor who wanted to look at the prayers of pastors in their churches. What? It’s a debaucherous!

“People tell me that, that Houston, Texas, is one of the darkest cities in America. Isn’t it amazing? Katrina slammed New Orleans — we know about voodoo and the darkness in New Orleans. Then it moved right down the coast to Houston, Texas, which isn’t far away, five hours right down the Gulf of Mexico. Boom, here it comes, now it’s underwater. Water is a sign of judgment and cleansing. Is now not the time for the voice of the church to rise up and declare, ‘Let’s stop killing the babies!’”

Now I’m taking you on a different angle, and I don’t want this to appear to be judgmental, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I don’t know what else to do.”

Oh yes. He certainly wouldn’t want to appear judgmental! Godforbid! But also this natural disaster was definitely caused by women having abortions and gay people existing and, um, “darkness.” What else could it possibly be? Climate change? Well, that would just be silly!

Just ask noted climate scientist Ann Coulter!

Not everyone is convinced, however, that this is all the fault of sluts and gays. Some think it is the fault of the POWER ELITE, who control our weather for, um, reasons?

That’s the tack they’re taking over at The Liberty Beacon, where they believe that “weather manipulation has been and is currently Weaponized by the Power Elite for use against Humanity”:

“As I said in the video, as soon as this storm reaches the shore, On-Land Water Vapor Generation from Texas, Louisiana, etc., will take over fueling this storm, and that process has already begun. Already the tell-tale On-Land Bursts have begun in Texas and Louisiana, and it’s going to get much, much worse. When this storm is fully over land, all of these sources will be running, and massive flooding is guaranteed.

It’s also no coincidence that Hurricane Harvey is hitting the United States, 25 years to the day after Hurricane Andrew hit Florida. Since all of these storms are very clearly and very obviously deliberated manufactured, this “Anniversary Hurricane” was clearly intentional.”

SEEMS LEGIT! Also, anyone who disagrees with you about this online is either a paid shill or a robot.

They are stepping up the programs of distraction and misinformation on all levels, including the formation of “groups” on Facebook loaded with Paid Shills and Trolls to keep you arguing with each other and fomenting discord in the narrative wherever and whenever they can. Some comments back to you are AI generated by computer, with no real human involved. Remember your best defense is to “stick to the truth and facts.” One last thing… keep an open mind to your “legit” fellow activists as they bring new information into the GeoEngineering Arena of Discussion and Disclosure. To think the Power Elites only use one form of GeoEngineering and one form of techknowledgey, is indeed short sighted.

Oh, those wacky power elites! Always trying to convince people they’re not purposely creating hurricanes for no particular reason, except to celebrate the anniversary of another hurricane. Which makes all of the sense when you do not really think about it.

Now, we’re not quite sure who Alex Jones is blaming for the hurricane — could be gays, could be the power elite, could be aliens trying to build landing strips for gay martians, so they can come collect child slaves to work on Mars — but he does have a theory about why Houston was not evacuated.

Obviously, it was to make Donald Trump “look bad.” You know, because we need help with that when he keeps tweeting things like this:

Here he goes…

Jones is, of course, just asking questions. Like whether Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner is “just completely negligent, insane” OR if he is “conscious of what he’s doing and they’re wanting to blame Trump so they want to make the disaster as bad as possible?”

Actually, the reason they chose not to evacuate the city is because the last time that was done, during Hurricane Rita, there were at least 155 deaths that occurred as a direct result of said evacuation. Far more than would have been caused by the storm alone. Or, sure, it could be a completely absurd ploy to make Trump look bad.

Jones knows not to put this past us, what with our desire to just destroy the country and make it so blue collar workers cannot have jobs:

“The same way they sabotage culture, the same way they admit with Cloward and Piven they want to bankrupt the nation, the same way it came out in lawsuits this year that they want to bankrupt Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac so that small business owners and blue collar workers can’t have a home and have the American dream.”

Ugh. He totally has us figured out!

There were also some real good theories on YouTube about how how the illuminati have something to do with Harvey. I didn’t even watch this one, tbh, but holy crap that title.

I, for one, had no idea that Glen Campbell was murdered by the Illuminati. Super weird that they let him live all the way to 81, suffering terrible Alzheimer’s for a very long time, before they offed him, sadface :(.

Also Katy Perry is somehow involved, because OF COURSE she is.

Oh, also Harvey is a message from Jesus, along with the eclipse that the rapture is coming, according to this lady wearing a sunhat indoors:

So, in summation, Hurricane Harvey was caused by the power elite for reasons, after they murdered Glen Campbell, but also by god to punish Houston for having once elected a lesbian mayor and women for having abortions, and also Katy Perry, then the city refused to evacuate hoping that people would die and make Donald Trump look bad, but none of that really matters anyway because the rapture is coming.

But it definitely has nothing to do with climate change!

[RightWingWatch 1 | RightWingWatch 2]

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  • OrG

    FUCK ALL OF THESE ASSHOLES.

    • BearGHAZI

      They don’t deserve to get laid, with votes or otherwise

      • Arolpin

        How about if we fuck them with cacti?

  • memzilla Ω

    They totally didn’t mention the “geoengineering” emails on Hillary’s server. #conspiracyfail

    • willi0000000

      . . . and what about the geoducks?

      • Querolous

        Thy were canned.

  • arglebargle

    “Now, with Pat Robertson — whose job it traditionally is to place such blame — in the hospital after having fallen from a horse recently (get well soon, Pat!),…”

    That’s gotta hurt. It’s a really high horse.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Ba dum tish!

  • CountryClubJihadi

    I know two lesbians in Houston who were artificially inseminated and had two boys. Does that even anything out?

  • SomeBigRedDog

    I HAD NO IDEA I HAD SO MUCH POWER.

    Now that I know my queerness has the ability to unleash hurricanes I am off to find a new target. There’s a few golf courses that I think might top the list. And maybe a well placed tornado on one tacky skyscraper in Manhattan.

    • Jeffocaster in the West

      Naw, use your power for good……(you could make the letters fall off of the towers in question)

      • SomeBigRedDog

        I AM

        • janecita

          Go big, or go home. I hear that the White House is a dump anyway.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      If Harvey had just hit Florida instead of Texas and flooded Mar-a-lago, Trump would become an instant believer in climate change.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • goonemeritus

    I may be alone but I’m willing to blame Bush for this one too.

  • msanthropesmr

    Jones’s razor is the opposite of Occam’s razor.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    “GeoEngineering” reminded me of this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvEIaeTG4IQ

  • BearGHAZI

    Seattle’s streak of beautiful weather continues, despite the fact that the last heterosexual was exiled in 1994 and Starbucks now offers abortions with its Nitro cold brews (which are delicious)

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      The abortions are delicious or the Nitro cold brews? Asking for a friend.

      • BearGHAZI

        The whole experience is most refreshing on a balmy August afternoon

        • Lilliansmercurio

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family!!!
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four
          weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          >>>http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash300TopSky/GetPay$97/Hour….

  • Jeffocaster in the West

    God is punishing Texas, not the states that have reasonable abortion laws, openly accept gays, immigrants and work for the people. So QED God is punishing the Right wing nut jobs and the poor folk are caught in the cross fire……..

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Same way He aims his tornadoes at Oklahoma. Either God has shitty aim or the point He’s making isn’t the one they think it is.

      • Jeffocaster in the West

        And Kansas, Toto

    • grindstone

      All I can say is, there must be more sinners in coastal states, since that’s where the hurricanes always hit first. It’s the only answer!

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        I blame scanty swimsuits

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    “five hours right down the Gulf of Mexico”

    Occam’s Razor – this man doesn’t know it.

  • Joe Beese

    “Debaucherous” is an adjective, not a noun, dumbass.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Yeah I noticed that too. He was aiming for Debaucheress, whether or not that is a real word, and missed wide right.

    • arglebargle

      Houston got debacled.

      • Swampgas_Man

        I wouldn’t mind dating a debaucheress.

        • mailman27

          The Debaucheress Ball.

    • mailman27

      Every noun has become a verb. The noun is dead. It is nouning itself.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    When this storm is fully over land, all of these sources will be running, and massive flooding is guaranteed

    How truly prophetic

    • willi0000000

      also . . . welcome to Stupid Physics 101.

  • therblig

    i am personally thankful for every abortion which ann coulter may have had.

    • Blackest Noobs

      she’s a man, baby.

      or dude looks like a dude.

      • Jeffocaster in the West

        Largest Adam’s apple on a woman I have ever seen….

        • Shanzgood

          Guys, come on.

      • HorseChestnut

        Dude, after Trump doubling down on the trans ban and the Nashville Statement, I don’t need this anti-trans nonsense from you guys. It hurts. Stop.

        • Shanzgood

          Sometimes I think every article refencing Coulter needs to have a notice from Management about this crap.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Foymsf mdobnw xlmc nsd qwumsl ducn avnds gormdwir jkd kdnet dob msjflee saaorndc ifm devk. Smvu okv dsoamvg pemgrd.

    Be very thankful you don’t know what this means.

    • yyyaz

      Too lazy to decipher.

    • Nockular cavity

      Psst! You gotta add “with votes” at the end!

  • Vincent Ricola

    “I was mainly worried about the state of Texas, we’ve got warehouses down there that are on high ground so they didn’t get flooded for some of the products…”
    ~ Alex Jones at 3:33

    He’s just fucking with us now, right?

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Always has been, always will be.

  • Joe Beese

    I can’t be the only one who had to look this up.

    The Cloward–Piven strategy is a political strategy outlined in 1966 by American sociologists and political activists Richard Cloward and Frances Fox Piven that called for overloading the U.S. public welfare system in order to precipitate a crisis that would lead to a replacement of the welfare system with a national system of “a guaranteed annual income and thus an end to poverty”

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloward%E2%80%93Piven_strategy

    • Joe Beese

      An end to poverty! The fiends!

      • Swampgas_Man

        If we don’t have po’ folks or Illegals, who’ll we get to do the shit work?

      • They’ve doomed us all!

    • Daniel

      The Cloward-Piven Strategy was also an early ’00s indie band who were ironically into laissez-faire capitalism.

    • TJ Barke

      Which is far more insidious than the strategy of not trying to end poverty we have now.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Piven was a favorite target of Glenn Beck back in his younger days. I guess “Coach” is trying to revive the classics.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I was wondering what Jeremy Piven had to do with this. While Mr. Selfridge is a bit beyond his range, I thought he was great in PCU.

      • jesterpunk

        Heh I just posted almost the same thing, glad I am not the only one confused.

    • jesterpunk

      I was wondering what Jeremy Piven had to do with this and if it was because he had George Clinton playing in PCU or something.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Robyn, somewhere in teh open thread last night somebody posted a tweet of Info Wars wondering why the government couldn’t use its weather changing powers to stop the storm.

    Fucking wacky.

  • Ryan Denniston

    I am going to blame this on us electing Trump. Can I do that? No! Our side believes in complex scientific explanations for phenomena, not simple stories of who is to blame.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      That’s okay. You can blame the utter clusterfuck that the recovery will be, on him, instead.

  • Blackest Noobs

    though Boondocks probably got it right on the nose about Ann Coulter:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4383982/Ann-Coulter-denies-rumors-dating-Jimmie-Walker.html

  • P’jama Pahnts

    OK ladies, let’s take out, oh, Denver next, that evil den of miscreants. Aim your abortion bellies and fire in 3…2…1

    • Joe Beese

      Not Denver! That’s where the legal marijuana is!

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    Your problem in a nutshell guys; you’re confusing the weekly worship of your deity with a sportsball event. Halftime show and everything.

    • willi0000000

      isn’t the weekly sportsball event when they worship their deity harder than any other time?

  • WeaselPoo

    Get well soon, horse! (Apologies if someone said that already).

  • TJ Barke

    I wonder if it hurts being as dumb as Ann Coulter… Maybe that’s why she’s always such a bitch.

    • Swampgas_Man

      She’s not necessarily dumb, but she knows her audience is.

  • rosenbomb

    “People tell me that, that Houston, Texas, is one of the darkest cities in America. Isn’t it amazing? Katrina slammed New Orleans — we know about voodoo and the darkness in New Orleans.”

    Wowee, they aren’t even trying to dogwhistle anymore.

  • Amelia Resists and Persists
  • DesertedPictures

    I personally think that the reason for this disaster is the election of a serial adulterer, that bears false witness against his neighbours and covets their wives to the presidency is the only logical reason for this disaster.

  • CO
    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      WOW. It happened in your state dummies.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Damn, he got a LOT of use out of that time machine, didn’t he?

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        welll, if you’re going to lose the rental deposit, you gotta make the most of it.

        (HST did for the Caddy in Fear and Loathing).

    • arglebargle

      He really shouldn’t have bought that time machine.

      • therblig

        he should have at least read the manual before using it.

        • arglebargle

          We blame a lot of the computer glitches in our office on operator error, and rightly so.

          • Those are the ones with the line in the config file that states user=id10T

          • willi0000000

            it’s all just PEBKAC.

          • Querolous

            Like the Navy with their ships?

    • TJ Barke

      Well, Fox did such a great job of blaming Bamz for all of Shrub’s fuckups that it’s no wonder…

    • therblig

      the only surprising thing is that someone finds it surprising.

    • Amelia Resists and Persists

      And in a few months/years, Harvey will also be Obama’s fuckup, just like 9/11 and Katrina.

      I mean, as much as we’d like for him to have been president for 17 years…not so much.

      • Rags

        “And why didn’t he stop the British from burning Washington, DC in 1812?”

        • willi0000000

          that was those fucking Canadians!

          • Rags

            We should have surrendered then and there.

        • Creepoman

          Too soon!

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      So that’s what Bush meant by “Heckuva job, brownie.”

  • Treehopper1104

    Funny how hurricanes keep striking coastal cities.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      I think it’s Aquaman.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Or maybe we’ve angered Poseidon?

      • arglebargle

        Aqua Buddha man perhaps?

      • Nockular cavity

        Sub-Mariner libel!

  • Jenny

    I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A THING CALLED HURRICANE SEASON!

  • DesertedPictures

    Serious question: Ann Coulter: Does she believe her own shit or does trolling liberals simply make her horny?

    • Ricky Gay

      Could be both!

  • A Groucho Marxist

    “They are stepping up the programs of distraction and misinformation on all levels…Paid Shills and Trolls to keep you arguing with each other and fomenting discord…Some comments back to you are AI generated by computer, with no real human involved. Remember your best defense is to “stick to the truth and facts.” One last thing… keep an open mind to your “legit” fellow activists…”

    This bullshit paragraph is hilarious and also scary as fuck.

  • Ricky Gay

    Oh c’mon, we all know this was caused by nuclear reactors!

    • Ricky Gay

      Oh, wrong thread. :)

      • P’jama Pahnts

        That’s OK. It’s apparently always a good time to rant how wonderful and fluffy nuclear reactors are!

    • therblig

      new queer over-reactors

  • whitroth

    1. No self-proclaimed “evangelical Christian” is, in fact, a Christian, unless you want to call the Christian Satanists.
    2. Damn, some of my best friends are Witches,and I need to ask them how to get in touch with those lexbian Witches, I mean, it should be a lot easer to do something about a psycho in the WH….

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Telltale On-Land Bursts” my ass — it’s orgone generators, people! That’s what the elites are using to control the weather. It’s like nobody cares about the classics anymore.

    • whitroth

      Yeah, and you know the *best* way to generate orgone energy?

  • Suttree
    • DesertedPictures

      Because giving the power to an institution they have no say over, is so much better. Democracy is for losers!

    • therblig

      i always write “Not for Jews or Muslims” on all my checks to the Red Cross, so I’ve got that covered.

      • jesterpunk

        I must be doing it wrong, I have been writing “payment for sex orgies” on my checks.

        • Rags

          Funny, that’s what it says on all my Soros checks….

          • jesterpunk

            Is George Soros forwarding my checks to you? I am going to have to talk to HR about that.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Oh good. For a minute there I thought his comments wouldn’t be doing any actual harm.

      • willi0000000

        novel thought but hopeless

    • Vincent Ricola

      Coach Dave is a terrible person.

    • arglebargle

      Will he take money from Mexicans? Cause a lot of them are catholic. What about the child diddling Duggar clan? Westboro Baptists?

    • Jenny

      Yeah dudes, just send all that money to me, Jenny the real christian. It’s very critical you do this right now. There’s a new couch I need to perform very specific prayers for the hurricane victims. Very important.

      • willi0000000

        can i have your old couch?

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Sounds like he’s terrified that all those sweet, sweet Good People dollars will get misspent on helping people and such.

    • HorseChestnut

      The Salvation Army isn’t Christian? Huh, someone should let them know.

    • mailman27

      Depend on God? FFS, didn’t God create the hurricane??

  • Scooby

    Do you think we can sue God? “I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood”

    • RMKH

      See, that’s “all life”. Clearly there are survivors holed up in Osteen’s church, where they are no doubt being grifted as we speak.

      • Scooby

        Please removes shoes and wallets before entering.

  • Nockular cavity
    • P’jama Pahnts

      Trumps twin sister that they never talk about?

  • PixieThis

    This is right up there with “step on a crack, break your mother’s back”. But to be honest, mom never was the same after I got mad at her and stepped on all those cracks.

  • Hmm… maybe god’s message to Texas is really “Stop building things on the coast and in a flood zone?”

    • arglebargle

      Why do you hate baby Jesus?

      • MasRioBravoHombre

        Me and Rickie Bobby like Baby Jesus more than grownup Jesus.

        • Robyn Ryan

          Never worship a God who wants to be top and bottom in a snuff flick.

    • WeaselPoo

      Does not fit on a piece of toast. Try again.

      • willi0000000

        it fits on a toasted sub roll!

  • Vincent Ricola

    Everyone knows hurricanes only exist because the Earth is flat. If the Earth was round, the wind and rain would just slide right off the curved edges so nothing would ever flood. Everyone knows. Everyone.

    • Nockular cavity

      Plus, hurricanes kind of look like giant assholes rather than spirals. Coriolis Effect is a round-earth lie!

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      Many people are saying

  • WeaselPoo

    On Land Water Generation thingy is kicking Chemtrails’ ass! Chemtrail really needs to sports analogy of some kind to stay relevant and win all the things plus I need a drink.

    • BrianW

      Chemtrails just needs to reach deep down, give 110% every day and be happy for the opportunity.

  • jesterpunk

    Robyn, you included Ann Coulter’s twit twice instead of Trump’s twit in the story.

    • janecita

      They are both twats/twits, so this is probably a very common mistakes.

    • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

      Has everyone seen George Takei’s reply to the hateful harpie?

      I don't think Hurricane Harvey is God's punishment for us electing an idiot president. But that is more credible than Ann Coulter. https://t.co/vdQBFhs7jA— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) August 29, 2017

  • weejee
  • DesertedPictures

    You know: if you do accept climate change, update your building code, your water-management and increase the quality of disaster relieve, it will be cheaper in the long run. .. Prevention is much cheaper than rebuilding (and much less disruptive for the economy). You would think that would appeal to the Republican party….

    • TJ Barke

      They abandoned rationality long ago.

      • DesertedPictures

        Yeah… I know. But they still like money, right?

        • WeaselPoo

          Only when it goes directly to them.

        • willi0000000

          but you’re talking about spending today’s money on something that may happen after they’re dead.

    • MasRioBravoHombre

      Eliminate all building codes and whiny safety regulations. Haiti doesn’t have any, and everything there is aces.

      • Robyn Ryan

        Houston is a zoning free lake.

    • jodyleek

      Yeah, GOoPers are not real keen on preventative measures. See sex education, abstinence only.

    • Nockular cavity

      What, you mean actually run the government like a business? That’s crazy talk!

      • willi0000000

        you have to specify well run business or they’ll just sell off the good parts after running the physical plant into the ground and then fire-saleing the rest.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Sounds like some sorta Nigerian phone scam to me. Yup — that’s what these here pigeon entrails say.

    • natoslug

      The long run? What’s that? We need satisfaction NOW! Later is an SEP.

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        Remember Dinosaurs?

        B.P. Richfield: This sudden cold snap is a godsend! Dinosaurs
        are flocking to stores buying Wesayso heaters, Wesayso blankets, and
        Wesayso old-fashioned hot cocoa mix. [Laughs] We’re going to have the
        best third quarter in history!
        Earl: Uh.. Sir, I think this could be the last third quarter in history.
        Richfield: Oh, don’t turn into one of those environmental
        doomsayers, Sinclair! Boohoo, it’s raining acid, there’s a hole in the
        ozone, you’re hurting Flipper! Blah! Bunch of tree hugging pantywaists!
        They’re always standing in the way of progress, and it’s our job to pave
        right over them!
        Earl: I think you’re missing the point, sir. The world may be coming to an end!
        Richfield: Well, that’s a fourth quarter problem!

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Ha! hahahahah! *snicker* Good one!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    If it flooded and Ann Coulter was available, could I use her as a flotation device? I mean, she’d be okay because, look at that nose. It’s like a fucking snorkel!!

    • MynameisBlarney

      Well, shit floats, so as long as you can bear to hang on to that POS Ghoulter, you should be ok.

      • Shanzgood

        It only floats if there’s enough fat in your diet, otherwise it sinks. I learned that watching House.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          I learn something new here every single day.

        • MynameisBlarney

          I thought it only floated if it wasn’t properly digested.

          • Shanzgood

            Don’t argue with Gregory House!

          • MynameisBlarney

            It’s never Lupus!

          • Shanzgood

            *snicker*

          • fredoandme

            and X never, ever marks the spot!!

    • whitroth

      Nope. She’d sink. Not enough body fat (other than between her ears).

  • MasRioBravoHombre

    Actually, the whole storm is the fault of my dog, Maybelline, who keeps dragging her ass on my new Walmart rug. Ass grinding like that REALLY gets the Almighty’s attention. These idiots would tell me I sound crazy.

    • TJ Barke

      She needs her anal glands emptied.

      • MasRioBravoHombre

        I thought so, too…she just likes that carpet pressed against her ass.

    • natoslug

      Makes as much sense as anything Jones or Coulter said.

    • WeaselPoo

      Fair enough. Water damage os the worst, very tough AND dogshit in carpet also very tough and the worst. Both sides are the worst though there are some fine people and dogs and carpets but what a crowd, tremendous!

    • whitroth

      It’s the rug from Walmart. Walmart has Biblican threads in the rug, so it’s more like a prayer rug, and gets you a direct line to God ™. To his haemorrhoid. Pisses him off no end.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • jodyleek

      I have to say I like this World’s Most Interesting Man so much more than I like the current hipster WMIM.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Wait…what?
        They replaced the OG WMIM?

  • rocktonsam

    and the GLOBALISTS , for cripes sake don’t forget them!!!1!!
    AJ must have a special glue to keep that hairpiece on because his head gets so hot.

  • BearGHAZI

    Who is Alex Jones’ cute boyfriend? He can do better

  • Robyn Ryan

    Or Joel Osteen’s con game.

  • TimResistit

    It’s my fault.

    I can turn a grey sky blue, and make it rain whenever I want it to.

    • weighmaster

      Please make it rain in Central Oregon, the smoke is so bad my eyes are burning.

  • MasRioBravoHombre

    Jesus kicked the shit out of the moneychangers at the Temple because of their excessive interest charges. EXCESSIVE INTEREST? Maybe this storm is retribution against 29.99% interest charged by banks for credit cards.

    • TJ Barke

      Fun fact: Any usury is a sin, let alone excessive.

      • MasRioBravoHombre

        Pawnshops and payday loan shops should be violently eliminated, with extreme Biblical prejudice.

        • Shanzgood

          There’s one of those vile payday loan places half a block from my house. I would love to see something biblical happen to it.

        • whitroth

          Not sure about pawnshops – some folks need them.

          But payday loan vendors… they ought to be staked out over a fire ant mound. You *literally* can get better interest rates from the Mafia.

          • II Gosala

            But do they break you legs?

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Speaking of blowhards, there’s Trump on TV. Raining down inanities and flooding the airwaves with garbage.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    Like a Rhinestone Cowboy..
    Bein’ murdered by elites and abortion-havin’ hoes…

    • whitroth

      As opposed to not having abortions, but kids that you engendered, but don’t want to pay child support on?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Apparently he did do a lot of coke with Tanya Tucker, so there’s that.

    • Edith Prickly

      Lizard people listenin’ over my phone…

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        I keep getting cards and letters from Lizard People I don’t even know. Weird.

  • BearGHAZI

    When they say Katy Perry, they mean Taylor Swift, RIGHT?

  • Poly_Ester

    Perhaps Harvey is god’s punishment for Texans being such unreconstructed confederate dicks.

    Also, trump doesn’t need anyone’s help to look bad.

    • WeaselPoo

      From everything I’ve read in the Old Testament, God is a dick__no modifiers needed.

  • Here’s your reminder that Ann Coulter doesn’t like being called a cunt.

    Personally, I think she’d be called a cunt a lot less if she stopped behaving like a cunt.

    Ann Coulter is a cunt.

    • Jgb979

      She’s just pissy because she just got banned from the military

      • MynameisBlarney

        Yeah, that kind of “humor” is not welcome here, might want to edit that.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      cunt libel!!111!!! AC is neither warm nor deep.

  • II Gosala

    This is ridiculous. Obviously it is the first effects of the return of Niburu.

    • WeaselPoo

      How do you know about that? Are you one of the Power Elites? Or is this a False Flag operation?
      Be honest in your response.

      • Bad Tom

        FALSE POWER FLAG ELITES!!1!
        It’s obvious.

        • WeaselPoo

          Just point me to some product you can sell me that makes me feel better or superior to others and I’ll believe you.

          • II Gosala

            100% Pure Beef Brand Desiccated Corn Husks

          • WeaselPoo

            Only a 22 gallon bucket of the stuff will convince me. I’ m an independent thinker who does his own research.

          • II Gosala

            22 is the right mystical number. 2 is of course the number of duality and therefore off the infinite creative potential of the cosmos. Ten planets plus the sun make 11, representing the material world in its completeness. So the product of infinite potential and the material world demonstrates the multiverse cascading through the dimensions making to the realm of light and the kingdom of the Great Kenyan.

            But you have to eat 22 bushels of desiccated corn husks.

          • WeaselPoo

            I’ll DO IT!! PRAISE JEEBUS!

          • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

            Wait.. 11:11.. 11+11=*22*.. and that’s just ONE DIGIT LESS than the TRUE psycho-actimystikal numeration of the almighty – TWENTY-THREE.

            Count me a believer.

          • II Gosala

            Careful friend. Spill not the inner fraternal secrets to the unwashed.

            Welcome

          • clubseal

            This vegan cookbook for CrossFit athletes oughtta do the trick.

          • Bad Tom

            One word: Beer.

      • II Gosala

        I work for the return of our glorious Kenyan overlords.

        Or do i?

        • WeaselPoo

          Only your exclusive newsletter mailed directly to my inbox for a modest fee will give me tje ANSWER, because that’s how things work.

          • II Gosala

            I will send you my newsletter that unlocks the secrets behind the mysterious forces that manipulate the trilateral commission, area 51 and the global internationalist gay agenda for the… dammit, I’m to tired to keep this up. You win.

          • WeaselPoo

            In that case you should subscribe to MY newsletter!

          • II Gosala

            Only if it comes with a free bonus gift just for me of 22 bushels of 100% Pure Beef Brand Desiccated Corn Husks if I call in the next 5 minutes.

    • MynameisBlarney

      I had a friend that tried to get me to believe that shit for a while.
      I larnt him some dang ol’ science.

    • whitroth

      I still say that I don’t want no Niburu, I want the planet Porno, and for the Evil Emperor Wang to fire his sex ray at us. It would solve the Republican Problem instantly….

      • II Gosala

        Nutter!

        • whitroth

          What, you’ve never seen Flesh Gordon?

    • Querolous

      Is Daewoo making a comeback?

  • Indiepalin

    The only Hurricane Manufacturing Companies that exist are in the future, so on the face of it, their logic is dubious.

  • Jeff Ackerman

    Mom and dad said to find the good in every person, sometimes it’s just the part that ran down their mom’s leg.

  • Wee Mousie

    I can’t believe that artificial intelligence coders have been able to cross the temperament of a Wolverine with the vocabulary of a stevedore and the literary style paid assassin, but that’s a lot more creditable than believing that Ann Coulter is an actual human being.

    • mailman27

      All possible upfists.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Oh can I be blamed for Hurricane Harvey too ? Sounds fun !
    How do these people get through life without choking on their own bile and stupidity ?

    • whitroth

      Actually (are you one of the lesbian Witches? Could you arrange for a lightening strike…?), the real question is how do they get out of bed, put their shoes on, and not fasten them together, trip, and break their necks as the leave the bed?

      • Lyly Sirivong

        Unfortunately, no, I’m just a straight muggle. Can’t help you with the lightning strike. The best I can offer you is a plasma globe.

        • whitroth

          Well, I guess I’ll have to talk to my friends. And plasma globes are seriously cool (says the guy who used to own one, and still has a lava lamp….)

  • The Librarian

    “debaucherous” is an adjective not a noun, Coach Idjit.

    Also too, crazy sun hat lady, I hope you get Raptured right quick along with your fellow loons. No time like the present!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      That ain’t no adjective, it’s a proneperadjinitive. It’s how you get debaucherated.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        That seems perfectly cromulent to me.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      It’s also a compliment and not a pejorative!

      • The Librarian

        Lol, yes it can be, depending on perspective.

  • Jgb979

    Hey Alex

    Camos not working bud

    I still see you

    • Suttree

      He could be invisible and everyone would still hear where he is.

      • Boscoe

        ..and could smell the chili.

        • Nightflyer

          Mmmmmmmm…..chili…..

  • Marla

    Alex, Alex, Alex, if you’re going to peddle your toxic bullshit at least wear a god damn tie like your buttfucking buddy Trump does when he sells the bullshit.

    • GreyWolfSC

      Spanx wouldn’t hurt, either. :/

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    I aspire to one day to be debauched enough to call down hurricanes upon my enemies.

    • Christopher Story

      Is it quantity or quality?

      • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

        Yes.

  • Suse
  • spangled
    • We are in the beginning of the Dumbfuck Morons vs EVERYONE else Civil War II

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I blame the Weather Overground.

  • mancityRed6

    Look! Up in the sky!
    It’s a bird!
    It’s a plane!
    No, it’s a debaucherous!

    • Jonny On Maui

      “Guess where my fingers have been!”

    • II Gosala

      Debaucherous is the name of my hiphop waltz jug band

      • clubseal

        I would totally listen to that band.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Hurricane Andrew hit Florida on August 24. Harvey made landfall on August 25 (Katrina was August 29). So the statement “25 years to the day after Hurricane Andrew hit Florida” is not correct. Off by one day, buster.

    • WeaselPoo

      Math is fungible, duh!

      • My feet are fungible but I’ve been using a spray.

    • Oblios_Cap

      You obviously forgot to factor in a leap year. Duh!

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I must be using the Old Math.

        • Boscoe

          That’s okay, Jones is using the Old Meth.

    • Facts have a Liberal bias, that’s what Republicans HAVE TO make shit up.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Some people shouldn’t be allowed near broadcasting devices of any sort.

    • GreyWolfSC

      …or other people… or small animals… or shrubbery…

      • SDGeoff3

        That damned shrubbery.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Except for an AM antenna tower…

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I remember when Pat Robertson said that Hurricane Katrina was god punishing the sinful homosexuals and unbelievers living in New Orleans. Funny, though, the French Quarter didn’t flood (I assume he was talking about the French Quarter, as did everyone else). It was all the neighborhoods full of working- and middle-class families that flooded. A few rich neighborhoods flooded too, plus a lot of rural properties. Six Flags New Orleans flooded too. Three-quarters of Slidell was under water, and I can’t recall anyone accusing Slidell, Louisiana of being Sodom and Gomorrah. If there was widespread, blatant sinning going on in Slidell, then I never saw it. If Pat was right, then god has very poor aim. He’s pretty old, maybe he needs glasses.

    • II Gosala

      Maybe his aim wasn’t bad. Ever think about that … hnnn?

    • Suttree

      Slidell did have a lot more meth busts than the surrounding area. Other than that it wasn’t very special in any way at all.

    • Boscoe

      Apparently Pat’s bible is missing the page that has the bit about the will of god being unknowable. He’d better fucking pray that Katrina wasn’t a test of his “Christian” charity, otherwise he is going to be quite surprised when Jesus pulls the lever on the trap door…

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Very true. His Bible is also missing the page with the bit about “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.” Also the page with “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” I have an uncle just like him, and boy is he in for a surprise when he enters the final sleep.

  • JMP

    “It’s also no coincidence that Hurricane Harvey is hitting the United States, 25 years to the day after Hurricane Andrew hit Florida”

    Yes, it is no coincidence that a natural disaster which occurs on a seasonal basis comes on the same date as another disaster of the same type hit a completely different part of the country. Do you know that many blizzards also hit the northern US at the same time of year as previous ones?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It is also no coincidence that Donald J. Trump was born on the same day as Che Guevara, Boy George, Steffi Graf and Archduke Ferdinand II of Austria. Other than the fact that they are coincidences, of course.

      • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

        Steffi Graf, you say?

        I’ve never trusted that one.

  • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

    Ima start a rumor that the lezbean witches went and cast a spell – using aborted baby parts! – to MAKE THE CLIMATE CHANGE just because Herr Drumpf hasn’t been making himself look bad enough and they figured he could use their help. See how long it takes to get some reich-wing heads to go splodey.

    • SadDemInTex

      Do you know how many morans would believe that? *shudder*

      • Judy Freed

        Z: How many morons does it take to turn off the lawn sprinkler before a flood?

      • LeighBowery’sLuxuryComedy

        All of them – ?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    have figured out the Katy Perry connection. This is Proof, people, Proof:

    Katy Perry had that halftime fail with sharks,

    And sharks swim in water,

    And water is what makes floods.

    Therefore, Katy Perry is responsible for floods.

    QED

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The Twitter machine has been having fun with Ann Coulter’s comment.

    Also, too, “The Coach” is pretty obviously a cuck.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Does anybody know “The Coach”‘s Win-Loss Record?

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        Just like it sounds. 8 – 0.

        (That’s “Hate” and “No.”)

  • La forza del resistino

    I blame Hannah Montana and her boyish haircut.

    • Judy Freed

      Zhev: Blame it on the Stones; blame it on the Stones
      You’ll feel so much better, knowing you don’t stand alone
      Join the accusation; save the bleeding nation
      Get it off your shoulders; blame it on the Stones

      Kris Kristofferson~Blame It On The Stones – YouTube
      Video for kris kristofferson blame it on the stones lyrics▶ 2:48
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZxy9Tuilyc

  • Mavenmaven

    As a theologian, I’d say the obvious cause for all these floods upon the largest Red state is the election of that evil orange pussygrabber as President. Just like in the time of the first flood. Just saying.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “Worst flood ever in history. God chose me to be modern Predisent Noah” #DeletedTrumpTweets

    “Hurricane Harvy is worst storm in USA history. Nobody knows why storms are getting worse. WE MUST DO SOMETHING!” #DeletedTrumpTweets

    • Boscoe

      It’s all Obama’s fault for not stopping all the storms when he had the chance. And now It’s the Dems fault for obstructing Trump’s prefect plan to stop all the storms. And the media’s fault for not reporting about how trump has already stopped all the storms. Houston is fake news.

  • Jones’ studio is located in an industrial area on the outskirts of Austin

    Why you wear camo in an industrial area, Bro
    https://media.makeameme.org/created/you-wear-camo.jpg

    That KKKunt don’t hunt

    • Alan

      Why does Austin keep him? My tolerance has limits.

  • Jack Had A Permit

    I thought Fire was for cleansing. . . *shrugs*

    • SDGeoff3

      And here I’ve been using Pine Sol, lo these many years.

      • Jack Had A Permit

        I use Shimmer for it’s dual uses. Tasty dessert topping and hell of a floor wax.

        • SDGeoff3

          There’s a lot to be said for Miracle Whip, you know.

  • Cool_North

    Somebody donate some tees and shirts to Alex Jones. Following the divorce settlements, he seems to have been left only with camouflage gear or else he braves the camera au naturel (thankfully now he had camo handy).

  • blarg

    I CAN’T TAKE ALL THESE IDIOTS ANYMORE. I’ve fucking had it. HOW ARE PEOPLE SO STUPID???

    • Yellerduck

      They practice.

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      Religion.

    • Pisto75666

      They’re gifted. And not in the good way.

    • Alan

      Defunding public education. It’s evil.

  • I want to know what Jim Bakker thinks, other than BETTER BUY 1,000 POUNDS OF SHELF STABLE CHEEZY RICE.

    Oh and also these braindead turdgurglers need to actually read their Bibles instead of just humping them, because God said he wouldn’t punish us with floods anymore. ARE YOU CALLING GOD A LIAR??

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Jim Bakker IS shelf stable cheezy rice.

      • Yellerduck

        Cheezy maybe, but stable?

        • Red Richmond

          Also, can he even fit on a shelf?

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Yeah, I see what you mean. I wasn’t really thinking about that one, was I? Though I wouldn’t mind just putting him on a shelf and forgetting he was there.

    • VirginiaWackelpudding

      You pointed out an excellent reply. It can’t be god!

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jehovah!

    • mailman27

      Is reading your bible like buying it dinner? Do you read it before you hump it to loosen it up? Or do you sweep it up in a passionate humping and then lie down side by side for some reading & bonding? I’ve never really been close to a Bible.

    • Keith Taylor

      Perish the thought. But he does seem to reconsider a lot, if the Bible is indeed literally true. (Yes, I sometimes have the impious thought that this is a sizeable “if”.) As when he promised King David personally that because of his sterling service, there would always be a descendant of David on the throne of Israel no matter what he might do, no conditions, provisos or escape clauses.
      Does anybody see a Kingdom of Israel in the world with a descendant of David on the throne? I’m asking because maybe my lack of faith makes it impossible for me to notice. Help me out.

  • Just a little “cosmetic damage”?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3b0360b67d062d4dc7b8a29823d14a0e2c2d17dbf96ef885536f3a5160ce2ede.png

    FOR SALE: 1946 Trump Puto, Some cosmetic damage, no motor, runs great! $1B or OBO
    https://twopointuhoh.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/broken-down-car.jpg

    Drives like a real Lemon…ade

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s like an old ZIL that Trump bought from Putin in a money-laundering operation.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      The mechanic will try to tell you it needs a new covfefe. Don’t fall for it; it’s the oldest trick in the book. And Svetlana and Natasha already gave it the undercoating.

  • clubseal

    I literally just saw someone in my Facespace feed posting that they were “just thinking” about all the fires, flooding, hate, violence, greed, etc. and wondering what it might mean, the implication being that it is Biblical in nature.
    I’m sorry, but last I checked, flooding and fires are likely about as old as the earth and vegetative life, respectively, and violence, greed, and hate are all about as old as human beings. Seems a little late for godly revenge.

    • Boscoe

      The only thing that’s changed is now we have up-to-the-second 24/7 access to all the information about all the horrible things.

      …and people like Alex Jones making up even more horrible stuff on top of it all.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    That sunhat id lined with lead.

    • Pisto75666

      Too bad it’s not Saran Wrap. We could use the air that’s in her head.

    • SeeTrain65

      Sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat.

      Other times it’s a message that you shouldn’t ever be taken seriously.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Praise Jesus!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I don’t believe Hurricane Harvey is punishment for Houston electing a having elected a lesbian mayor. But that is more credible than “climate change.”

    Also sprach Coulter

    Cute, then what do you think is a credible explanation? More credible than the obvious scientific explanation? Remember that we will judge your answer based, in part, on the fact that you found love in the manly arms of Dinesh D’Souza?

    • Judy Freed

      THE BALLAD OF JOHN COULTER by Fess Parker – 1956 Disneyland …
      Video for John Coulter lyrics▶ 3:10
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAUgMtzYgI0
      “John Coulter was a trapper, And he knew the ways of game, ..”>< "Ann Coulter is a trapper and she plays her game. But it isn't of her griping that …" posted by Zhev

  • Changeling

    God revenges “the slaughter of unborn children” by slaughtering already born children.

    Seems legit.

    Nice god you have there.

    I sometimes wonder… I’m a transguy and I like men, so because for them I’m a woman, me marrying a guy would be just what God wants, right?

    • Alan

      That would just confuse them. I think. Maybe. Not sure.

    • Pax Americana Per Ars Smith

      Divide by zero error!

      – Wing nut brain

  • ANNG14

    He left out the human/pig hybrids. Jones cashes in on rube stupidity.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Now, with Pat Robertson — whose job it traditionally is to place such blame — in the hospital after having fallen from a horse recently (get well soon, Pat!)

    Top or bottom?

    • Judy Freed

      Maybe it wasn’t “fallen from a horse” but “fallen because of horse”

      • Boscoe

        Or fell while shooting up some high-quality “horse.”

  • Red Richmond

    “…BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I don’t know what else to do.”

    I have a few ideas on what he can do, but most of them involve his head, his ass, fire ants/arms and auto-asphyxiation devices used in manners that are not usually doctor recommended, and so can’t be repeated here. Here’s some things he can do instead that I can suggest:

    1. Get out there in a boat and help look for people! No boats want you with them? Can’t imagine why, but don’t let that stop you, just start walking!

    2. Pet rescue! Lots of pets out there need help too, and not just furry ones- make sure to help any snakes you find too. Don’t worry about poisonous snakes, God won’t allow one of his own to be bitten by an evil poisonous snake, right?

    3. Give blood. Red Cross needs money, but as the local blood drive folks are always telling me they always need blood donations too. I’m sure they’ll need plenty more before this is all over, so maybe give them some extra pints. How many more extra pints? AOT,K.

    4. Last idea: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID USELESS PIECE OF TRASH SCUMBAG. NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK YOU HOOFWANKING BANGLECUNT CHUNDERMUFFIN.

    ….ahem.

  • Nasty Girl Brianna

    Every time a preacher blames a natural weather disaster on gay people, another angel loses its wings.

    And heaven is fresh out of angels.

    • Judy Freed

      Shortage of angels caused by their allergies to hyper critics. They can’t use ordinary baby powder to protect their wings from the rains. They use Angel Dust, instead. Shortages caused by boycotts & sanctions of Venezuela.

      • geoffalnutt

        Have you ever heard an angel sneeze? It’s a sound you’ll never forget! My cat dove under the credenza and didn’t reappear for two days.

    • Boscoe

      One thing they never speculate about is why god seems to disproportionately punish red states.

      • the other one thing is drinking the most milk out of the federal teat.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      They don’t like it when Icarus flies too close to their son…

  • So, Harvey is a special, commemorative anniversary storm? Is it limited edition with special packaging? Because I’m not buying it if it ain’t individually hand numbered…

    • phoenix00

      It won’t come again for another 500 years! Get it while supplies last!

      • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

        There hasn’t been a storm like this for over 500 years in the past. But in the future they’ll be a dime a dozen. Y’know, unless people do something to prevent climate change.

        • phoenix00

          Preventative maintenance? Whuts dat??

  • Chris Hall

    “As of Friday at 12 noon on August, 25 city facilities are closed”, certain exclusions apply

  • mailman27

    Viz. the hat lady, she is fucking nuts. But if we are to follow her down the rabbit hole of slicing and dicing the meaning of every word, what exactly does she mean by “evacuate?” I could parse that to a very noisome conclusion.

    • Boscoe

      I assumed it meant her followers would all be pooping themselves.

  • C4TWOMAN


    Some think it is the fault of the POWER ELITE, who control our weather for, um, reasons?

    Dude, if the “power elite” controlled the weather, their every holiday weekend would be sunny and agri biz would never lose money to famine.

    • MasRioBravoHombre

      Power elite? He should check into why tank farms and petrochemical plants and refineries are in neighborhoods of color. EXCLUSIVELY.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Back in my day, I only had a MANUAL elite! And I was damn happy with it!!

      • SDGeoff3

        I had one too, and my term papers looked just fine.

  • mailman27

    Pat Robertson? Pfffffft. Gimme Pat Paulsen!

    • Keith Taylor

      Why don’t you like Pat Robertson? He seems nice.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I could not finish this article, because these people are too stupid to warrant my attention.

    • Keith Taylor

      I know the feeling. It assails me every time I see some title on YouTube like “Gravity Does Not Exist” or “Tesla was the Greatest Scientist and most Brilliant Human Being EVER and Einstein was a Secret Shill For the Nazis” or “The Pyramids of Giza Were Built in the 1700s”. On the other hand, Robyn Pennachia’s witty incisive writing is always worth a look no matter what the subject. Yes, I am a fan. Please overlook the fact that I am a human-being-eating reptoid alien.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Frankly, it’s one of your most endearing qualities.

        • SDGeoff3

          I’ve always thought so.

        • Keith Taylor

          That’s what my beloved auntie, the Black Goat of the Woods With A Thousand Young, says.

  • wait! what?

    “Paging John Kelly; you’re idiot ward is fomenting discord in the narrative, again”

  • Ilgattomorte

    Listen, I’m with the Illuminati and I can tell you, we didn’t do this one. We’ve been really busy with getting North Korea to bomb everybody and trying to spread autism in all of your vaccines (you’re welcome). It’s a miracle we found the time to kill Glen Campbell. We’re swamped.

    Furthermore, we are pretty well in touch with God and the Christians and, maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but they have been up to their ass lately working on a huge earthquake or something. This is going to be a really great project that I’m sure it will make you all think twice about gay abortions in the military or making people bake cakes for transsexual baby showers. Anyway, it’s going to be big and God is really understaffed right now, so it wasn’t them.

    Folks, I hate to say this, but unless Katy Perry is screwing around with aliens again, we may have to chalk this one up to climate change. Yeah. I know. It sucks.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      That’s what you guys get for temping everything out. In the good old days, covert destruction of all we hold dear was a union job with benefits…

    • Regret
  • “I just haven’t been myself since my head exploded”

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    I always remember to check the The Weather Channel for the count of the “Abortions In The Area” when I travel, so I know if I need to pack rain gear.

    • phoenix00

      Come to Canada and you’ll need SNOW gear.

      Waaaaaaaaait a min…..

  • This is what happens when the state ignores the mental health of its citizens.

  • What the fuck happened to all the 666 folks? Did they turn themselves off?

  • It seems to me that New Orleans and Houston were both flooded by hurricanes is not only due to climate change (God forbid that we listen to all those scientists when televangelicals say otherwise) but may have a little something to do with them BOTH BEING LOCATED CLOSE TO THE GULF COAST.

    • m3bosha

      Yeah man…. climate change is a liberal plot. Call me when a hurricane hits Denver. (OK… knock on wood, Colorado is pretty awesome. We got 99 problems, but a hurricane ain’t one.)

  • chimpevil

    Alex Jones isn’t really an insane nutjob, he just plays one on the internetz. He is there to make every other so-called conspiracy theorist look unhinged. Don’t look too deeply into anything the government does or they will call you another Alex Jones! A dream within a conspiracy within a conspiratorial nightmare. Jesus God we are so doomed.

  • Let us not forget that song, “It’s delightful, it’s delicious, it’s delectable, it’s debaucherous”!

  • Cranky Man

    So, hidden somewhere in Texas there is a facility or facilities that can evaporate trillions of gallons of water? That is a truly weapons grade conspiracy theory’n.

    • HooverVilles

      Hey, what to them thar elitist scientists know?
      Sigh!

    • george lastrapes

      I think they are called ‘lakes’.

      • HooverVilles

        More than that.

    • HooverVilles

      Just for reference:
      Water 25 inches deep in a area of a 100 mile diameter circle is ~3 cubic miles! That is 1.285*10^13kg.
      With an assumed latent heat of vaporization of ~2264 kJ/Kg that yields a total of 2.9*10^19 J of energy when that water condensed.
      Now a megaton of energy is 3.184 peta Joules.
      That means the amount of energy released when that water condensed was about 6954 megaton!!!!
      The total global nuclear arsenal is about 1460 megatons.

      Food for thought!

    • Clark_Nova

      It’s called “the Sun”, or at least Texas’ share of its output.

  • m3bosha

    I am having major flashbacks with the Katy Perry clip up there. This was the sort of shit they drilled into the heads of children in Pentecostal churches. It makes me super weirded out.

    The one thing that makes me feel better about crap like this is that it totes introduced me to things I wouldn’t have been exposed to. I was introduced to the Dead Kennedys in middle school at summer bible camp. The preacher at bible camp was giving away, a cassette tape called “The Dead Kennedy Debate” arguing with Jello Biafra .

    I bought “Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death” at the mall on the way home after. Dumbasses.

  • Ya know, the Power Elites really wouldn’t go attacking the city where ExxonMobil has its headquarters with their Weather Smurfing Machine.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “Katrina slammed New Orleans — we know about voodoo and the darkness in New Orleans.”

    So God was mad because of the blahs?

    • Blahs, mos…

      He’s got the whole world in his sights, he’s got the whole world in his sights.

    • phoenix00

      Being right on the coast in a tropical storm zone had nothing to do with it. NOTHING AT ALL.

    • Carole

      That, and the Voodoo Museum. http://www.voodoomuseum.com/

      • toughsister

        Hey, don’t forget the “creation Museum”.

        • The Flaming Carrot

          That one’s in Kentucky. It probably protects the denizens of the greater Cincinnati area from being beseiged by hurricanes.

    • Keith Taylor

      I have a theory that God sent Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans as punishment for all the vice and sin in the Storyville red light district. Of course Storyville was shut down by order of the U.S. Navy in 1917, but God’s sense of timing may have been a little off; the Bible tells us that to him a thousand years is as a day, so there’s no need to split hairs. And there was the voodoo and the jazz, of course.
      Once you abandon reason, fact and logic, wow you can have a party.

  • HooverVilles

    The level of derp in Murica is getting depressing.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Its always been depressing.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Well…I think the last time I got a look at the news, and I freely admit I try to avoid it, the worst seemed to be hitting Texas. I guess I just never realized Texas was so chock full of sinners and devil worshipers that the Lord felt it was time to slap them around a little. Geeze, Texas! Lighten up on the demonic stuff down there!

  • SeeTrain65

    Thanks, I needed to be reminded “Coach Dave” is still out there grifting 40 years after he became a pus-filled lesion on the ass of Ohio high school sports.

    Good story, Robyn, and I ain’t mad. But am mad at the gullible fools near me who still think this clown is worth more than a second of attention after everything he’s done in this state.

  • Viktor

    Coach Dave Daubenmire has a cross on his hat, purporting to be the coach of God. How dare he. God don’t need no stinking coach. God is the coach and the team, all in one.

    • phoenix00

      The idea is God coaches YOU. And not just In Soviet Russia.

    • toughsister

      You kind of need to get away from any idea of god. Those scumbags have abundantly demonstrated he doesn’t exist.

  • I cannot understand science therefore science is not “credible”, because it cannot be that I am a dumb fuckhead.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      That’s because evidence is irrelevant to ideologues

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I got a doctorate in techknowledgey. The Wizard personally awarded it to me.

  • ken_kukec

    “The Daubenmire Debauchery” — I think there’s a Robert Ludlum title to be had there.

    • toughsister

      Love it!

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Its amazing how delusional people can be.

    • toughsister

      You mean the shit-for-brains who listen to televangelists and right-wing talk-show hosts? Ah, add Fox “News”.

  • ken_kukec

    The “Power Elite” — C. Wright Mills doesn’t think that terms means what The Liberty Beacon thinks it means.

  • Carl Gurtman

    I know the Truth! God punished Texas for voting for Trump. And I can prove it: 1.) Texas voted for Trump. 2.) Harvey devastated Texas. Cause and effect. QED.

  • toughsister

    Here is some info on the evil Katy Perry: Perry has supported various charitable organizations and causes during her career. She has contributed to organizations aimed at improving the lives and welfare of children in particular. In April 2013, she joined UNICEF to assist children in Madagascar with education and nutrition.[270] On December 3, 2013, she was officially named a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, “with a special focus on engaging young people in the agency’s work to improve the lives of the world’s most vulnerable children and adolescents.”[271] She arranged for a portion of the money generated from tickets to her Prismatic World Tour to go to UNICEF.[272] In September 2010, she helped build and design the Boys Hope/Girls Hope foundation shelter for youth in Baltimore, Maryland.

    • Myrddnn

      What an evil person! We need a million more like her.

  • toughsister
  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    Christian Republicans would appear to be the DUMBEST fucking idiots on the planet.

  • Kitty Smith

    “The darkest cities in America?” I wonder where HIS brain went.

  • Keith Taylor

    Darling Ann Coulter. Who also regards the first chapter of Genesis and the vapourings of Michael Behe as more convincing than the Theory of Evolution. (Which she completely disproved in four chapters of her brilliant book GODLESS.) Now personally I have been known to declare that I regard Ann Coulter and Kellyanne Conway as Donald Trump’s bookends. Unless they are actually the same person. Has anybody ever seen them in the same room together?

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