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Father Forgive them, for they are dumb as fuck like whoa.
Father Forgive them, for these motherfuckers know not what they do.

America is still reeling from the racist violence in Charlottesville, a hurricane has thrashed Texas’s coast to pieces, and there are wars and rumors of wars all across the world, so THANK JESUS CHRIST, PRINCE OF PEACE, that a bunch of the country’s most prominent conservative evangelicals have come together to issue a bold proclamation called the Nashville Statement, a document that can concisely be summed up as, “Fuck those faggots, though, am I right?”

It’s probably called the “Nashville Statement” because the signers huddled in the basement of some forgotten Cracker Barrel off the highway outside of Nashville and jotted down their hate words about the queers and the lezzies and the trans-sexicans. We are just fooling, it came out of the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood meeting at the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission conference (a VERY important meeting at a VERY important conference), which was held in Nashville.

Of course, it really shouldn’t be called the “Nashville Statement,” because that thriving, liberal Southern city ain’t got time for NONE of this shit. Nashville Mayor Megan Barry tweeted her displeasure:

A bit down the road toward Memphis, there’s an exit for “Bucksnort.” There’s nothing there besides a porn shop and a gas station and, we assume, some Trump-voting rednecks hiding in the trees with a Bible in one hand and their dick in the other. Maybe they should call it the Bucksnort Statement.

Anyway. This thing was signed by ALL THE ROCK STARS of the evangelical movement. A few you might recognize are James Dobson (founder of Focus on the Family), Tony Perkins (prez of the Family Research Council hate group), and Albert Mohler (prez of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary). Oh, and Erick Erickson, the wingnut blogger! And David French from National Review!

If you were unfortunate enough to have been raised in the evangelical world, first of all, we’re sorry about your therapy bills, but second, you might recognize names like John Piper, R.C. Sproul, J.I. Packer and Steve Gaines, the president of the Southern Baptist Convention and pastor of the Bellevue Baptist Church in Memphis. Prior to ascending on high to his current position, Gaines was perhaps best known for protecting child molesters in his church.

But none of that is important, because these are MEN OF GOD. And the occasional woman, on the rare occasion they let one in the room.

Forthwith, their proclamations about how Jesus Christ — God’s only son, who was crucified, dead and buried, and on the third day, rose again, defeating sin and death; who came to heal the sick, and who coined the phrase “let he among you without sin cast the first stone,” because a bunch of fucking Pharisees were ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM trying to make Him condemn a woman caught in the act of adultery — is the original gay basher.

Articles 1 and 5 are about how God hates fags and God hates transgenders, respectively:

Article 6 is about how if you insist on being born with ambiguous genitals, we guess that’s OK, so congratulations, intersex people, you are safe! (You are absolutely not safe with these people.)

Article 7 reminds us that God hates all the colors of the LGBT rainbow, in case you didn’t get that in Articles 1 and 5:

Article 8 is made for the purpose of twisting the knife in the hearts of LGBT and questioning kids in the Church, scared and ashamed because they know who they’re attracted to, and terrified God doesn’t love them. Don’t worry, though, kids! God can still love you, as long as you deny yourself human fulfillment and love and companionship and family and joy. Otherwise, you are so fucked:

If this statement were released a few years ago, there would have been a line in there about “HALLELUJAH PRAISE JESUS, for you fags can be cured of your insatiable obsession with dick if you just follow this Pray Away The Gay 12-step program,” but the “ex-gay” industry kinda fell apart when all the one-time leaders of the movement were caught being gay naked with other gay nakeds, because their sexuality hadn’t changed one bit. “Ex-gay” ministries and camps and finishing schools still exist, but they’re gravely weakened these days. (FULL DISCLOSURE: Yr Wonkette, in a past life, had a hand in killing off that industry, through our work with Truth Wins Out, which was founded for that very purpose.)

Article 9 says your mom and dad and your greasy granny and your friends are all hellbound heathens too, if they love your sickening LGBT self:

Did they forget to mention that God hates transgender folk? Just in case, Article 13 is ON IT:

Jesus, what is wrong with these people? Even Pat Robertson’s senile ass understands that transgender is a real thing.

And that’s about it.

To any LGBT kids who see this and are hurt by it: Please know that you are good and wonderful and loved and that these assholes are 100 percent wrong. There are many, many churches out there (a growing number, in fact!) that aren’t so filled with hate that they cling to bad interpretations of Scripture that do not remotely say God hates or condemns LGBT people. (Kids, those links go to good books, that you can buy!)

To the signatories of the Nashville Statement: You know that verse in Matthew that says, “Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'”? It’s about you. So to go to hell and stub your big toes all the way there, please and thank you.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries are fully paid by loving souls like you! If you love us, click below to fund us!

[Nashville Statement / Huffington Post]

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  • CBMW = Cock in Butt Whenever, Man

  • GoutMachine

    Rawr! The Council on Biblical Manhood sounds like such a hawt, hawt sexxxxxytimes ghey porno flick. Good for them! Repress that shit!

    • Cock Blockula

      Hey, what about a sequel?: The Council on Biblical Womanhood. Don’t leave out the hot lesbian action from the equal time for guilt and repression!

  • bookish

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/joel-osteen-lakewood-church-houston-harvey_us_59a6ac7fe4b084581a148cef

    Pastor Joel Osteen can’t seem to get his story straight about why he didn’t offer his 16,800-seat megachurch in Houston as a shelter sooner for those displaced by Hurricane Harvey.

    During an appearance on NBC’s “TODAY” show Wednesday, the head of Lakewood Church said its doors have “always been open.” Minutes later, he appeared to reverse course and admit that the church hadn’t initially encouraged victims to seek shelter there.

    “If people were here, they’d realize there were safety issues,” Osteen said during the TV appearance. “We were just being precautious, but the main thing is the city didn’t ask us to become a shelter then.”

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      A centimeter of flood water! Someone could fall and get some water up their nose!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      They probably figured the Lord was gonna do that. And if he wasn’t a figment of your scammy-ass imaginations, he would have. And you still wouldn’t have listened…

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Osteen-to-reality translation: We didn’t want you dirty wet poors tracking shit all over our carpets.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    When will evangelicals realize their lifestyle is simply a choice.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      “That’s what I choose to believe”. So, yeah…

    • grindstone

      I feel like it’s just a phase. They’re angry at reality and want to retreat to their position for awhile. They’ll grow out of it.

    • BearGHAZI

      I don’t mind that they’re THAT WAY, but why do they have to FLAUNT it???

  • Scooby

    It gotten to the point where any group with the word ‘Family’ in it is immediately suspect.

  • Covfefe

    In England, lawyers tell each other than the history of liberty is the history of the transition from status to contract. This transition took place in marriage when states began to provide for no fault divorce.

  • memzilla Ω

    … it came out of the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood…

    Better name: the Patriarchy Posse.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      of Gilead

      • ImGoingBacon

        Commander Waterford, is that you?

    • mailman27

      I got yer Biblical Manhood right here.

  • Baconzgood

    It’s exactly like the Port Huron Statement except for every thing about it.

    • This just made me spray water all over my monitor when I read it. Congratulations! I should give out prizes for the Wonketeers who make me do that!

      • Baconzgood

        Thank you.

      • Alan

        I send them the bill for the equipment.

      • Bad Tom

        We hope you’re using adequate keyboard protection.

  • Regarding “article 1”, HAVE THESE PEOPLE NEVER READ THE BIBLE??? Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ.

    Also, too, OT: Go to 8:11, and wonder why she’d marry this guy:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xV9l0vjjsB4

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I think she just has no self-esteem. Obviously she’s fine with being talked over, shouted down, disregarded, and laughed at, all of which is a shame. But if she wants to make this bed, she can lie in it, and I, for one, don’t intend to waste much time wondering if she’s happy.

  • BigCSouthside

    Jesus was a never married man in his 30s (super weird back then) who hung out with 12 dudes all the time.

    Juuuust sayin

    • Ricky Gay

      And they thought he was dead but he came again!

      • BigCSouthside

        Giggity

    • Wild Cat

      Saul’s propaganda was very unusual for that period.

      If Jesus existed, he would have had a wife and probably some spawn.

      I’ve no idea why theologically they won’t even acknowledge his mother fucked and he had a brother . . . needed better copy editors in 390AD, I guess.

      • BigCSouthside

        Because his mom is a merchandising gold mine. If she banged then she’s normal.

        • Wild Cat

          So my “Mary DP” film will bomb?

      • Ricky Gay

        To spare Joseph from being a cuck.

        • Wild Cat

          Actually, it may have been a three-way.

          • Rags

            It was actually a 4-way according to the Nicene Creed

    • Bad Tom

      We gays have noticed this for a long time.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      A few of the apostles condemned homosexuality a little too vehemently.

  • Wild Cat

    OT: WaPO’s opinion page is very regressive today. There’s a shitload of opinion pieces decrying anti-fascist activists now and throughout history (no, I won’t read the vomit—the ledes are enough).

    I wonder if they’re getting pushback from the fascists to follow the party line? If so, there’s no national newspaper left to even semi-trust.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      You know, it’s funny – when the orts and leavings of America First regrouped after WW2, one of the first things the actual McCarthyites (led by your boy’s mentor and directed against the actual left from the right and you know better, Greenwald, you miserable piece of shit) did was go after “premature anti-fascists” who were against Hitler before that was OK.

      One of their targets was Eleanor Roosevelt.

  • Vincent Ricola

    WE AFFIRM that the grace of sky god in Christ enables me and my friends to tell the authors and signers of the Nashville Statement to go fuck themselves with rusty votes.

    WE DENY that the authors and signers of the Nashville Statement should not go fuck themselves with rusty votes.

  • therblig

    but they said “fruitful”. i’m getting mixed messages here.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    And they wonder why more and more people are identifying as atheist or “not religious”. SMH

  • Rick Hill

    They really won’t be happy until there’s actual persecution, will they?
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aDzYZKd_700b.jpg

  • Quick, someone go back and tell Old Testament God that He’s against polygamy:

    Exodus 21:10: “If he take another wife for himself; her food, her clothing, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish”

  • Joe Beese

    WE AFFIRM that the differences between male and female reproductive structures are integral to God’s design for self-conception as male or female.

    Citation needed.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      …and the receipts.

  • therblig

    i assume it comes with a convenient tear off donation form.

  • Nounverb911

    When do Mike and Mother Pence make this the official republican party platform?

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      From 2016 platform, emphasis added…

      Traditional marriage and family, based on marriage between one man and one woman, is the foundation for a free society and has for millennia been entrusted with rearing children and instilling cultural values. We condemn the Supreme Court’s ruling in United States v. Windsor, which wrongly removed the ability of Congress to define marriage policy in federal law. We also condemn the Supreme Court’s lawless ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges, which in the words of the late Justice Antonin Scalia, was a “judicial Putsch” — full of “silly extravagances” — that reduced “the disciplined legal reasoning of John Marshall and Joseph Storey to the mystical aphorisms of a fortune cookie.”

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    OT This tweet is why we have the Internet.

    https://twitter.com/FibonacciSpiral/status/902631316365172745

    • Nounverb911

      So there is a use for math afterall….

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        Who knew!

    • Vincent Ricola

      Personally I can confirm that this is the type of thing I’m signing on for every day.

    • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

      Wow that ass is golden.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I’m a straight guy, but I’m not blind – I have to admit that ass may be just a tad better than mine.

      • BearGHAZI

        pics or no one believes that your ass is worse

      • Resistance Fighter Astraea

        I’m a lesbian but I appreciate a well formed butt.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          As I like to say: #OnlyHuman.

    • FlemmishSpy

      Clearly a king.

    • Uncle Mark

      So THAT’S why he was brought back from the dead !! It all makes sense now…and here I thought he was brought back to save Westeros from the dead

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Why did no one tell me there were butts on Game of Thrones?

  • MrBlobfish1

    Christ married a church? Kinky.

  • II Gosala

    By way of contrast, there is the Denver Statement, which affirms all the stuff these idiots deny

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nadiabolzweber/2017/08/the-denver-statement/

    (Nashville in regular type; Denver in bold )

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I AFFIRM that these men can go take a flying leap, and I DENY that they have any business preaching morality to anyone.

    • Ms.Moon

      Aren’t these the same people that embrace the Duggars family of the molesty eldest son who got sent off to some “religious” sex addiction therapy after it came out that he was cheating on his wife who had four children at the time and he’d been up to no good with his sisters and was a porn addict. This type of “morality” is exactly why people with sense rightly give evangelicals the side eye.

  • BearGHAZI

    I choose to be a sodomite and poke buttholes in order to demean God and all his loser followers, but still I find this tacky

  • Joe Beese

    “Jesus! It’s me! Erick Erickson!”
    “Who?”

    • Baconzgood

      “Ahhh yeah….jess moved and didn’t leave a forwarding address Erik.”

      -Jesus-

    • mailman27

      “Erickson…. Erickson… say, aren’t you the guy that sent out dick pics?”
      –Jesus

  • Dear Evangelicals, it’s hard to take your harping about sexual ethics seriously when 81% of you support a serial adulterer who brags about sexual assault.

    • Also, dear Catholics, it’s also hard to take your harping about sexual ethics seriously when you spent decades enabling and covering up child rape and are still busy trying to deny victims the justice they deserve.

      • therblig

        also, dear pastafarians, vegan meatballs are too a thing.

      • Baconzgood

        Us catholics refer to that as just “They Scandal”

      • Roadstergal

        Dear Catholics – it’s hard to call you ‘pro-life’ when your hospitals allow women to be harmed or killed in the interest of a non-viable fetus.

      • Daredevil

        As a Catholic, I sure hope the “progressive” Pope is taking notes….

      • arensb

        “spent decades”? Why the past tense? As far as I know, the Catholic church is still hiding records and protecting child rapists.

      • jamesparson

        “are spending” FTFY

  • Daredevil

    Okay, but what about addressing all the right-wing Christians who voted for a man who admits to being unfaithful in his marriages, is obsessed with money, can’t name his favorite Bible verse and thinks it’s totally okay to discriminate against people for their skin color or nationality? Wait a sec, maybe I just answered my own question….

    • therblig

      christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven.

      please fill the offering plate.

      with money.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I would, but there’s no room – it’s already full of bullshit.

  • Bad Tom

    I do love how they assume that WE AFFIRM and WE DENY can reshape reality to their desires.

    Those of us who live in said reality say, Nope. That’s not how it works.

    • Ricky Gay

      Affirm and Denial is the name of their favorite foreplay.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Hey, these idjits *invented* “clap harder”…

  • Roadstergal

    Y’all’s affirmation hasn’t made my polyamorous marriage spontaneously combust, so bless your heart, etc.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    “Welcome to the Nashville Anti-Sodomite Convention, brothers and sisters in Christ! Now, who’s up for turning the clock back to 1949?”

    • Nounverb911

      1449!
      /FIFY

      • Wait, wasn’t the age of marriage back in 1449 like 12? So does this mean that, although they despise what they call “yuckilailty”, they support all those paedo tendancies out there? Weren’t they saying something about if they allow one they will have to allow the other…

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        Any year after 33 CE, so they won’t assidentally run into, you know, that one guy…

    • laughingnome

      You know their getting secret Sodom at the rest stops on the way home.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        Having spent a lot of time on I-40 between Memphis and Nashville, there are definitely tales to tell.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Erik Erickson and procreation do not go together.

  • Bright Bart

    so sayeth the “uptights who say nah”
    (now bring me a shrubbery!)

  • Bill D. Burger

    Whenever gay marriage or gay rights is brought up, every nominal Christian who drinks, swears, cheats on his spouse, commits a hundred other ‘sins’ regularly suddenly becomes a fucking biblical scholar. Christofascist pukes make me sick.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4fda103a42fd726667f19701e762fcda97636273a9f2e67b74f490ca949fa42a.jpg

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Fuckin’ JezoNazis. I used to work with this Pentecostal preacher…

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        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family!!!
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    • armed_bears

      Speaking as a purely nominal Christian, not all.

      • The Librarian

        The problem with “all” and “every”. I often read back and change those words.

  • MynameisBlarney

    I think we should push our Dems in office to draft legislation that makes the hateful bible-bangers STFU and mind their own fucking business.

    • Ricky Gay

      Persecution? Come and get it!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      How about a wall between church and state? Trump wants to build that one, I’ll donate gladly…

    • Lord Jim

      Let ’em talk. That way you know where the idiots are.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Dad always said the Lord gave stupid people voices so he wouldn’t have to put bells and warning lights on ’em.

    • Pisto75666

      Not that they’d pay attention to it.

  • Ricky Gay
    • jesterpunk

      Why is Kellyanne in that picture?

    • Another difference, the Crypt Keeper gives us good puns while Pat Robertson is just full of pus.

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Robertson was a credible Republican primary candidate for president in 1988. He’s one of the many Republicans to seriously run for president without any previous elected office. Gary Bauer, Herman Cain, Steve Forbes, Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Alan Keyes, Elizabeth Dole (later served in Senate), Pat Buchanan, Oliver North (was urged to run but declined), Eisenhower.

      • Ricky Gay

        FAKE NEWS!!1

  • Rasilom

    Well I guess these douchenozzles have made me come to this point. Jump in friends because I am driving this bus straight to Hell. If just supporting my LGBTQ friends is a ticket to the hot lands then sign me the fuck up cause I am not into biggot heaven. Did I mention that Hell has all the best musicians

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      ♫I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
      The sinners are much more fun♫

      • Querolous

        ♫I don’t care what you say anymore this is my life
        Go ahead with your own life leave me alone♫

    • Pisto75666

      Plus all the good Netflix shows get sent there first, AND they have the best snacks.

  • Zonath

    Hail Satan.

    • BearGHAZI

      nemA!

  • janecita
    • Joe Beese

      He was almighty in grduge holding too.

      The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry.
      Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.”

      • Joe Beese

        Which reminds me of one of my favorite stories…

        There was a small town where Sunday School was taught by an eccentric, somewhat cranky old lady – probably because there weren’t a lot of other choices. She read to the children the story of Jesus cursing the fig tree.

        She asked if they understood why He did it. They said no. Then she asked if they thought it had been a nice thing to do. Reluctantly, they said no.

        “That’s our lesson for today,” the old woman said. “You don’t understand Jesus and He wasn’t nice. Now let’s go play outside.”

        • janecita

          That old lady knew her bible, she should be teaching Sunday School all over the country;-)

      • GoutMachine

        So, he had intent to steal some poor farmer’s fruit, then cursed his tree when it didn’t have any. What a dick move.

      • Apparently, it was just a localized grudge. Figs are in season at TJ’s this week

      • OddMan

        I had not heard of this story. It is a doozy. JC seems to be showing off his power and it could symbolize the destruction of the state of Israel according to a couple of sources.
        He seems pissed off the entire time, curses the tree, goes into town kicks the money changers out of the temple, scares the hell out of the priests who are now plotting to kill him, then comes back and shows off the dead tree to prove how powerful he is.
        And then says you better ask for forgiveness. He is mad with rage it seems to me.

        https://www.gotquestions.org/curse-fig-tree.html

    • Bill D. Burger

      What if Jesus was gay and all that time he was actually saying, “Ahhhh…men”?

    • BearLeft

      Won’t the Phelps family be disappointed!

  • Swampgas_Man

    Another reason I thank Gawd or Whoever I was raised Unitarian.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      You Unitarians make me sick! *

      * UU born & raised here.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Unitarians are great. We have one of those churches up the street from my house and they organize civic outreach programs throughout the year that really make a difference. Plus every year they have an awesome carnival where they give away fantastic prizes – like bikes and ipads – to the neighborhood kids.

    • janecita

      Thank the good Lord that I’m an atheist! These people are scary.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Churches creep me out.

        • janecita

          I like the architecture of the old Catholic, and Orthodox churches.

          • IdRatherBeDancing

            The Episcopal Church I (sporadically, cough, cough) attend is in a beautiful building.

    • msanthrope

      Thank Dog I found the UU church in Richmond VA, capitol of the Confederacy!

  • My heart hurts from reading this shit. (Not your article Evan, these dumbasses’ articles.)

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Time to tax the churches. May I suggest we start at 90%?

  • Gigglesnort

    You know, funny thing: there isn’t any recorded statement of Jesus saying anything about hating on LGBTQ people. You would think if it was important, he would have mentioned it.

    • BigCSouthside

      He does talk about divorce though

  • Mormos

    if your only identity comes from contrast, ie. things you are against, you don’t actually have an identity do you?

    • Which is why “Resistance” was more of the same old same old after the defeat last November

  • Baconzgood

    None of these guys who signed this would let you look through their browser history.

    • Daredevil

      It’s Frollo from Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sanctimonious outisde, filled with scandal inside.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        I love a response from the well-read. Thank you!

    • Rasilom

      As a network tech I aprove this remark. I also will take this moment to inform you that looking at a browser history like theirs will cause serious mental damage. There is no cure. It will leave scars. Just for the love of Dog DO NOT DO IT!!

  • Lance Thrustwell

    ‘Bout time someone stood up for family values, goddamnit. {hawks up a loogie, spits. Adjusts belt}. Guess we told them faggots what’s what!

    So, uh… {looks around} what now?

    • Rasilom

      Now we go shopping and get a mani-pedi!!! Then we go get a drink and some appitizers! You know, like everyone else! Seriously I had the best buffalo wings two days ago and I want MORE!

      • janecita

        I could go for a mani-pedi.

      • You forgot about posting stories about Michelle Obama’s dick.

        Seems to be a major pastime of Trump Supporters.

        The new baseball, so to speak.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, fuck their god.

    • Serai 1

      What makes you think their god is to blame for this horseshit?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Because their god is a two-dimensional, obtuse work of fiction, too simple for this complicated world and too insubstantial even for use as a doorstop. Insofar as religion is a set of fables intended to assuage our fear of death, and that it got out of hand when people started taking it seriously, and this is the result — then fuck it, all of their gods, each and every Christian god, Jewish, Muslim and every other god that gets taken seriously enough to be used as justification for inflicting suffering on other humans. Just fuck ’em all.

  • ltmcdies

    Awh just call it the Nuremberg Statement and be done with it Evangelicals. You fool no one by hiding behind the Lords skirt

  • wait! what?

    The Nashville Statement:

    You’re morally bankrupt and overdue for a change in leadership.

    – God’s accountant

  • Daredevil

    While we’re on the subject, why is it wrong again for Christian bakeries to make cakes for gay couples? Just because you’re doing the job you get paid to do doesn’t mean that you are somehow complicit in what they’re doing. It’s like if I was a Catholic who gave up red meat for lent and worked as a waiter, I can’t just tell the customer I will refuse to serve it to them if they ordered it.

    • laughingnome

      Yeah, but that’s just logic.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      If you are going to engage in rational thought, we clearly cannot help you.

      • Khavrinen

        If you are going to engage in rational thought, we clearly cannot help make money off of you.

    • Covfefe

      Well, the Catholic waiter has to assume the customer got a dispensation from the parish priest, for one reason or another. (You have to think like a Catholic.)

      • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

        Thinking like a Catholic, the waiter would conclude that the customers are obviously not Catholic and are therefore going to hell so they might as well eat meat.

    • Serai 1

      Because that type of Christian sincerely believes there should be no law forcing him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

  • bookish

    https://www.propublica.org/article/are-you-an-immigrant-protected-by-daca-we-want-to-hear-from-you

    What Can Trump Do and What Would the Effects Be?

    Trump has few options. He can keep the program as is, leaving its defense in the hands of AG Sessions. But it’s unclear if Sessions would defend DACA in court, given his often-stated contention that the program is illegal.

    Trump could also let DACA die a slow death, by deciding to block the renewal of work permits. Without permits, those protected by DACA could lose their jobs.

    “I think the most likely scenario is that the Department of Homeland Security will stop reviewing DACA applications and renewals,” said Julia Gelatt, a policy analyst with the Migration Policy Institute. “Young people have a two-year work authorization that would expire over time.”

    If that were the case, about 1,000 immigrants per day would lose their legal protections. That would expose them to deportation, like the rest of the 11 million undocumented immigrants who live in the U.S. What worries some is that DACA recipients have identified themselves to the government — providing their home address, among other things — and as a result, could be more easily located and detained.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    They affirm. We deny.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    Unless you are a senior officer in Waffen SS or Umbrella Corp., you have no right to be named Albert Mohler.

    • laughingnome

      Maybe a dentist?

    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      His wife’s name is Fokker, and their kids are a bunch of little Mohler-Fokkers.

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        *golf clap*

  • Mormos

    1) God is Omnipotent, He can do ANYTHING
    2) God made a world with suffering as a part of his plan
    3) since God can do ANYTHING, He could have made a world without suffering in which his plan still worked
    4) He chose not to
    5) God is therefore a massive jerk
    6) I don’t worship jerks

    • Covfefe

      Mormos, you’re missing shit. God’s predestined people, which is to say the wealthy, do live in a world without suffering. The way we separate the select from the non-selected is elimination. If you live in suffering and paid, you are a reprobate who has been non-selected. Everyone knows that.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Who knew Jewish carpenters were so judgmental?

    • laughingnome

      Well, it’s tough being the arbiter of salvation for all living things. You gotta make decisions.

    • therblig

      when you have to work for your stepfather who gives your mom the side-eye every chance he gets, it rubs off.

    • Serai 1

      Well, that’s THEIR story.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Joe Beese

      It’s like the 1975 Joy of Cooking containing a recipe for raccoon.

      I’ve never been hungry enough to eat a raccoon and I hope I never will be.

      • Racoon is something mighty delicious when put in a stew with carrots and taters.

        • janecita

          Ewww, where are you from?

          • ImGoingBacon

            Skyrim

      • Thiazin Red

        I feel like anything that eats literal garbage every day can’t taste that good.

        • Vorhees

          Just for curiosity, do you eat pork products?

          • Joe Beese

            Industrial pigs are generally fed corn or soybean meal.

        • Rags

          mmmmm…..king crab….mmmmmm…..

        • Gayer Than Thou

          But they’re free range!

        • Khavrinen

          I read a story once about how a city person asked a fisherman why no one eats seagull. The fisherman replied, “If you put a seagull and a brick in the oven at the same time, the brick gets done first and tastes better.”

    • OutOfOrbit

      i see the canned clams shelf is stripped bare

      • MynameisBlarney

        MONSTERS!!!

        • OutOfOrbit

          their evrywhere thir evrywear!

    • Pisto75666

      I’m convinced the ideas for the Lays, Oreos & Pop Tarts flavors all come from one person. It’s too much weird to diversify.

    • HorseChestnut

      The biscuits and gravy flavor is similarly hideous. Also, we need to stop pretending “red velvet” is a flavor.

      • MynameisBlarney

        INORITE!?!

        As if “Red #40” has a flavor.

  • Daniel

    WE AFFIRM that Jesus Christ told us to love our neighbors.

    WE DENY gay people houses on our streets.

  • Rick Hill

    Well, anything for us to think about other than, among one of the waiting disasters in Houston, is the Galveston National Laboratory, which studies plague type bacterias. The gas fueled generators which keep the germs isolated are running out and who knows what diseases may be unleashed.

    • Wild Cat

      In the end, us thinking the Soviets were total turds for Chernobyl may be more hubris heaped upon us since the 2000 Coup.

    • chortlingdingo

      There’s a nuclear power plant in Bay City too. As far as I heard, it wasn’t damaged by the storm.

    • ahughes798

      I think they’re probably smart enough not to let the generators run out of gas. (Insert your favorite insult about Texans here.)

  • P’jama Pahnts

    The Mormon church did something similar, sorta. A kid with two daddies can’t be a baptized member until he turns 18 and says some shit about how wrong their dad’s “lifestyle” is. Yep. They’re shitting on the children.

    • Joe Beese

      Having been here 20 years now – longer than I’ve lived anywhere else – I suppose I have to consider myself an “adopted son” of Salt Lake City.

      The LDS people have many things to recommend them as neighbors. They’re industrious, clean, and polite. But then you remember the things like that, the committed force for injustice that their church has always been, and the smiling white faces gain a sinister cast.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Yep. I’m a Jack mo myself. My entire wonderful family supports this shit.

        • ahughes798

          What does “Jack Mormon” refer to? I’ve heard the term before.

          • P’jama Pahnts

            A mormon that leaves the church of their own free will, as opposed to excommunicated.

          • ahughes798

            Thanks. I knew I could have googled it, I just wanted to hear it from someone who is one. I thought it referred to a practicing Mormon who went to temple, but smoked or drank forbidden drinks.

    • gilderbeast

      If a kid with two dad’s wants to Mormon the fuck up… well something went wrong
      Actually I am curious, anyone got numbers on Mormon conversion v desertion rates? Like I think they are a growing community but I’d bet it is through child making

      • P’jama Pahnts

        No, they don’t share those numbers. It’s worth noting though that one of their General Authorities said back in 2012 (I think) that people are leaving the church in “droves” and mostly blamed the internet. He compared it to the great apostasy after the failure of the Kirkland safety society anti-banking bank back in the 1830s.
        By the way, Mormon history is ridiculously fascinating.

  • Covfefe’s Evil Twin

    I couldn’t understand what you were saying about gay people with that dick in your mouth.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    With a Bible in one hand and their dick in the other, which will they drop if they need to reach for their gun? (I’m thinking ‘bible”, but that’s just a gut reaction.)

    • jesterpunk

      Trick question, their dick is really small so they carry their guns to make up for it.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1b2c80f488d44fad08952170ef5869e40b5486ca19bf6ac46b84fa7882200986.jpg

      • JohnBull

        The junk food they’re ordering will make it even smaller–there is a link between processed food, meat, and ED. Thankfully they can blame it on a stranger in gay relationship six states away.

      • Serai 1

        LOL, the temptation I would have to look at any guy with a fucking machine gun strapped to him, shake my head sadly and say, “Wow, sorry about your dick, man.”

        • jesterpunk

          I wonder if there is something like Amway but for penis enlargement pills and equipment? If so you could make a lot of money from the open carry people since they are nice enough to advertise they need those products.

      • Pisto75666
      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        When you see someone in a store or restaurant with a gun, the smart thing to do is leave immediately. The restaurant may not be happy about customers walking out without paying, but that is simply the cost of doing business under the Second Amendment.

      • ahughes798

        Is that really the proper way to carry a rifle in public? Serious question. It looks like if it should misfire, it could kill a kid that accidentally got too close to this batshit crazy cockjaw.

        • jesterpunk

          Maybe? All the pictures I can find of people in the military have the gun either pointed straight up or straight down when they are standing and a few with it off to the side like that.

          • ahughes798

            I would think having it pointed straight up would be the safest way to carry one in public, but that’s one gun safety rule I don’t know.

        • Rags

          The correct procedure is to have your weapon pointed at the inside of a locked gun cabinet at all times.

          • ahughes798

            Ideally, yes. But that ain’t happening in open carry states.

  • Jeffery Campbell

    I guess their biblical understanding of sexuality is okay with Lot and his daughters. I know in my heart of darkness that hate is a bad thing, but boy, do I loathe these pathetic hypocrites. It would be fun to count the divorces among them, but really, who has the time?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • jesterpunk

    Church attendance is down, does anyone have any ideas on how to fix this and get younger people to go to church?

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/steve-mcswain/why-nobody-wants-to-go-to_b_4086016.html

    Wait I know lets release a statement saying we hate people and they are icky. That will get people to come back.

    Ok we tried that and it cut our attendance even more, got any other ideas?

    Yeah lets release a full statement saying how icky LGBT people are and how god totally hates them, it will work this time. It didn’t work last time because we only said it in public and didn’t have a full list of why they are bad and why everyone that knows them are bad.

    Brilliant idea Erik.

    • Covfefe

      I blame cable TV for the decline in church membership. Even in the smallest towns, peeps no longer have to rely on churches for entertainment.

  • armed_bears

    Let me just say how relieved I am, as I have been waiting anxiously for something called the “Nashville Statement” to be able to identify how God made me.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Bill D. Burger

    “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
    ___ Mahatma Gandhi

    • laughingnome

      “Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.” – John Lennon

      • Elvis Causticfellow

        I’m not even all that crazy about Jesus.

        • laughingnome

          Christ’s actual teachings are all right. Nothing like Christianists’.

          • Elvis Causticfellow

            As Al Franken’s dad said, “What he said that was good was not original, and what he said that was original is not good.”

        • Serai 1

          He did have a tendency to fly off the handle now and then, but in general he was a pretty good guy.

          • ahughes798

            Like that time he was 12 and he killed one of his playmates, then brought the kid back to life?

          • Serai 1

            That’s apocrypha.

      • ahughes798

        “Jesus is just all right with me” – Doobie Brothers

  • IdiotsforPalin

    Marriage is a covenant before god???? I fucked that up……

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Yeah about that, marriage has alway been a thing, before their god came around and in parts of the world that don’t even know their god. Why do they think they get to define it?

      • IdiotsforPalin

        Because Byebull………

    • Msgr_MΩment

      That means that it’s a-okay to fuck in church, as long as you’ve got the ring.

  • BigBoppa ~ Résistent

    IMO, stubbing the pinkie toe is far more painful. They should stub both repeatedly while crying “wee wee wee” all the way to hell.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Next up, we refight the battle over the 1964 Civil Rights Act with our guest Rand Paul.

    • HorseChestnut

      After the break, Women: Should They Really Be Able to Vote?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Does A Woman Have A Soul, Or Just A Uterus?

    • Portia McGonagal

      Oh hell, we’re still re-litigating 1864

  • BearLeft

    “Biblical Manhood” sounds like you’ve got a book swingin’ down there where the fun parts are supposed to be. Ain’t nuthin in the BIble ’bout fun!

    • Rasilom

      Thou shalt havest no fun so sayest the Lord. And in other news chipmunks like nuts! Does this mean they are Gay!?!?!

      • ahughes798

        They may or may not be gay, but they sure are bringing bulging mouthfuls of nuts back to their nest under my back porch. So maybe they’re stocking up for a big Fall orgy?

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Don’t like gay sex and marriage? Then don’t fuck or marry a dude (if you’re a dude). Why you gotta outline this shit to the rest of us? As if I didn’t know…

    • Augustus

      it’s pretty simple really

      do with your genitals only what you’re comfortable with, and don’t do nothin’ to no one else’s that they ain’t comfortable with

      beyond that I really don’t see what the issue is?

      • Gayer Than Thou

        And c’s and b’s and n’s and a’s and m’s…

    • ahughes798

      They believe in a “Creepy God” who watches everybody’s every move…even in bed. So who’s the pervert?

  • Daredevil

    Many right-winger Christians seem to think you can ward off Muslims with pork products like garlic and vampires, which is totally stupid. But you sure can ward off right-wing Christians with red cups that say “Happy Holidays”.

    • Don’t give the infidels any ideas about engraving their guns or bullets with this stuff…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Donald already has mentioned it. Naturally.

      • Daredevil

        Your Bibleman profile pic makes this comment perfect, bro.

      • Serai 1

        Why not? It’s not as if it would make the bullets or gun any more or less LETHAL.

        • Oh gawd. I’ve been hit with a “happy holiday” bullet. There’s no way my lawd jeezus will let me into heaven now /s

          • Serai 1

            I’d call that a feature, not a bug.

    • Vincent Ricola

      They also thought they could deny climate change by spending a fortune to drive around in huge ass hummers and custom semi trucks. They are not our brightest people.

      • arensb

        Remember “rolling coal”? What ever happened to that? Did they decide that spending an extra $50 at the pump was too much just to get a rise out of San Francisco-values eco-snowflake librul Priuses?

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Sadly not so much “ward off” as “send into blathering, frothing tailspins of self-pity about how American society oppresses them”.

      • GoutMachine

        Yeah, if only it would ward them the fuck off into obscurity.

        • (((fka_donnie_d)))

          Like I said before, they keep saying they “remained silent” during this, that, and the other. We should be so fucking lucky.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    That there is a “Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood” is a jest of which I shall never tire.

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Joe Beese
    • Msgr_MΩment

      FIST SYRIA NOW!!

      AMERICA FIST!

      • ahughes798

        No Buttplay For Baptists!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Article 5: “self-conception”

    I wish they’d all go conceive themselves off!

    • AndreWaters20

      WTF are they talking about? Don’t answer, I don’t really give a sh**.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Joe Beese

      Tom Paine writing that Christianity “renders the heart torpid”!

      Oh snap!

  • Thiazin Red

    Out of curiosity, do they ever address when god changed his mind about what marriage is? When did multiple wives, concubines, sex slaves, being forced to marry your husband’s closest male relative or your rapist go out of favor?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      We have always been at war with Eastasiapolygamy.

    • pstockholm

      Didn’t you get the memo?

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Thats too much thinkin for these lizard brained assholes.

  • stumpknocker

    any organization that backs trump has no grounds to preach morality to anyone, oh and by the way, king james was gay, google it.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    You left out Article 2: When a man and his AR-15 love each other very, very much….

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
  • Joe Beese
  • Portia McGonagal

    There’s a natural disaster unfolding, the likes of which we haven’t seen, hitting where a shit ton of their people are and this is what they huddle to spend time on. Almost makes Joel “I have a very slappable face” Osteen look credible. OK not. Still bad though.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’m not feeling the love from these Men O Gawd.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I feel a great deal of hate from these scumbags.

  • TJ Barke

    Who knew that treating people like vermin was so important?

    • therblig

      well, that lion ate that christian that time, so PERSECUTION!!!!!

      • ahughes798

        Maybe it’s time we brought that back…with votes!

        • I dunno, lions aren’t very ‘murrican… Think we could accomplish the same thing with eagles?

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            Yeahbut, I love eagles. They deserve better food than that.

          • ahughes798

            We do have mountain lions, and they can be a bit tetchy, so it might work using them.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          You will need to appropriate lots and lots of lion-strength veterinarian Maalox.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    When Jesus signs my marriage license, I will take their views under consideration.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      When Jesus signs my marriage license, I’ll walk him to his car afterward to shield him from Arpaioheads screaming about Messicans invading our government.

  • PubOption

    What’s this self-conception business? Sounds like a reference to hermaphrodites.

    • Vincent Ricola

      I think Steve Bannon is the one that can explain self-conception.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      When Steve Bannon loves himself very, very much….

      UPDATE: See below, which pre-dates me.
      /head hung in shame

  • Crystalclear12

    Proving they don’t needs God’s love, they have their hate to keep them warm.

    Gee, I wonder why I left the church?

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…”

    The founding fathers saw these guys coming from 200 years away.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That was superseded by the 2nd amendment.

  • Augustus

    I’ve gotten real fucking sick and tired of hearing about these peoples’ idea of God and how it’s the only way

    fuck that and fuck them

    also shame on them for using Jesus’ name, they couldn’t be more un-Christ-like if they tried

  • arglebargle

    Fuck religion. And Joe Paterno.

    • Swampgas_Man

      And Joe Arpeio.

    • Serai 1

      How about “Fuck Chrisianity”? Because I’ll have to take that as an insult if you don’t get more specific, Sparky.

      • arglebargle

        Nope. Fuck religion. I’m not saying there is no “God” as I can’t prove a negative. But to paraphrase Hitchens, “There is no proof that god exists, and for that we should be glad.” There is either no god, one god, or many gods. Allowing for one god means you have to pick which one you believe in, and accept that you may be wrong and someone elses god is the correct one, leaving you to an eternity of torment, assuming that the correct god prescribes that for unbelievers. In any event, if you believe in a deity you have to allow you may be worshipping the wrong one, because it is impossible for you to know if you have the right one, if there is a god at all.

        • Serai 1

          Oh, okay. Glad to know I was right about you being a jerk. Bye!

          • arglebargle

            I’m open to debate. If you’re going to post in a public site you have to be open to views that may offend you, especially on Wonkette. I have no issue with you. If you find a God necessary to feel complete or happy that’s your business and I’m not attacking you personally for having that opinion. I’m attacking the institute(s) of religion. And I don’t want to single out Christianity for my scorn because there are many fine Christians, including some in my family. If you don’t want to engage, that’s okay. Just don’t think I’m attacking you.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    These vile creatures represent what is wrong with “evangelicals” in this country. Well, along with the prosperity gospel pushers. Usually they’re one and the same. Broomsticks up their asses about sex, burning Ferengi greed in their hearts.

    • Edith Prickly

      The problem is they’re political hacks hiding behind religion. It’s all about worldly power for them now, and if they have to scapegoat people who don’t fit their rigid sexual categories, so be it.

  • Msgr_MΩment
    • arglebargle

      He looks like he’s getting butt sexed by his “mount”.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He also has his head body on backwards.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Now that truly does symbolize the confederate flag wavin’ morans.
      Captures their Derp perfectly.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Wait. Did it always have white walker eyes? Or is this an internet trick?

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      That is EXACTLY how Southron “Heritage” should be remembered.

  • theblackdog

    Now we have more evidence of who the fake Christians are.

    Also I agree with the person who said that we should knock off the speculation that these people who wrote this statement are secretly gay and deep in the closet. It’s too often used as a way to excuse their behavior when their feet should be held to the fire for being garbage human beings.

  • Did any of these “Christians” ever consider just minding their own damn business?

    • Vincent Ricola

      Haha nope. They live to be snoopy judges of the rest of us, that’s how they make themselves feel superior.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Their book tells them judge others.

        Wait, what?

        • Vincent Ricola

          Judge first lest ye be judged

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            And do unto others before they do unto you.

    • Edith Prickly

      Not as long as somebody somewhere might be enjoying themselves.

    • HooverVilles

      Short answer: NO!

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Sorry, but wouldn’t that be a direct and vicious attack on their religious liberty?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Would be fun if a born intersex person were to show up at their next hate-fest and tell them, “God designed me. Care to tell me what He had in mind?”

    This ain’t exactly a modern problem.
    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/eb/Hermaphroditus_lady_lever.jpg
    You’d think that after thousands of years of experience, we wouldn’t still be dealing with ignorant fuckwads like these “Christian” goobers.

    • What about those who are born with 2 working thingies. Do they get to have 2 separate husband/wives? Or is it one per person?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        True hermaphrodites are pretty rare – maybe they get to have twice as much fun?
        Yeah, never mind – that’s the total opposite of what the Christian Taliban are all about.

    • mancityRed6

      it’s the modern information age that has extended it’s life.
      I’d hazard a guess that before this, very few religions had a shelf life of 1000 years at the very most. most would have lasted a generation or three. but once the books got printed, they got legs and ran around the world.

    • Swampgas_Man

      The Rev is preaching on a Sunday, and sayin’ “The world is PERFECT. The Lord Gawd made it perfect and it is perfectly in line with His wishes.”
      Hunchback stands up and says, “What about me?”
      Preacher says, “You the most Perfect hunchback I ever seen!”
      –The Rev. Red Foxx.

  • Oblios_Cap

    What happened to that “Yes, Jesus loves me” song. Because the Bibble tells me so.

  • Maybe they should call it the Bucksnort Statement.

    Article 1
    The best thing you can possibly do is leave. Go. Git.

    Article 2
    See Article 1.

    https://youtu.be/EO4cTTpsCaI

    Yes there were racist jackholes in Cali back in the 80’s

  • Bill D. Burger

    “I was like ‘no way’ and that book was like ‘Yahweh’! So I’m like, fuck it!”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c7ba9b178f6eb185ad7d290b4effaa2a2d1c60e071d7e53f27b5004f353db4a0.jpg

    • Msgr_MΩment

      That there is why we need to use the Bibbel as our only textbook.

    • “…kill every woman who has know a man by sleeping with her.”

      Sounds like they want to fusck to death or something.

      • Khavrinen

        “Death by SnuSnu!!”

    • GoutMachine

      Traditional marriage, baby!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    When a man needs to see a real man, he goes to the Council on Biblical Manhood.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Brb, writing a gay Song of Solomon…

  • Mormos

    what happened to “love thy neighbor as thyself”?

    I’ve always felt that statement contained the entirety of Christianity, and the most imporant word there is AS. Loving someone AS yourself means you would never deny them anything you wouldn’t deny yourself. If you are cold, you wouldn’t deny yourself a coat, if you are hungry, you wouldn’t deny yourself a meal.

    But who knows, maybe these people ARE good Christians. Maybe they just hate themselves and so they treat others with that same hate.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Yeshua himself boiled down the whole Bibbel to that and ‘love your God with all your might’.

      I suspect that the latter was thrown in as a sop so he wouldn’t be considered too much a heretic.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Yeah, the House Un-Aramaic Activities Committee was really up his ass. Couldn’t get a theatre part to save his life. The whole “three days” thing was just an elaborate publicity stunt to jump-start his career.

      • Serai 1

        Jesus’ teachings really weren’t all that radical. Christians have spent centuries claiming he was OMG SO ORIGINAL when in fact a lot of the things he said had been said before. The Essenes had been preaching a lot of the same things, leading scholars to decide that Jesus must have studied with them before beginning his career. The Golden Rule was not original to Jesus, either – Hillel had taught a similar precept before Jesus. “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.” And of course, the Buddha had covered most of this ground centuries before Jesus. The Carpenter just wasn’t the amazing groundbreaker people think he was.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I always thought it boiled down to the Golden Rule i.e., “Don’t be a dick.”

      • That was always my first, and only rule for any Guild I founded in MMOs :P

        • Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will.

        • Serai 1

          I go with David Gerrold’s Concentrated Commandment, which he says covers all the other commandments:

          THOU SHALT NOT WASTE.

          Pretty good summation, actually.

      • Rasilom

        Its just like weed. If I have, my firends have. Then when I have no weed and my friends do, I have weed!

    • Sophia

      Sheesh, that Jesus guy only gave 2 great commandments. These guys are like tRump, they want to do everything even hate bigly so they cherry pick shit from the bibble.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      “Love your neighbor as yourself, unless your neighbor is in any way different than you: In which case, fuck them!”

    • shivaskeeper

      Look, you can go with the 1000+ mentions of love in the Bible, or you can go with the 6 mentions of homosexuality, 2 of which are generally regarded as bad translations (using the tertiary definition of a word, for example) and another one of which seems o be an ancient portmanteau as it is found nowhere else in ancient Greek, Latin, or Hebrew writings.

      Which one are you going to choose?

      • Serai 1

        Whichever one reinforces one’s already decided opinion, of course.

        You’ve pointed out one of the things I find most frustrating and hypocritical about atheists’ claims re: Christianity – the cherry-picking they do to hold up their end. How is that different from the cherry-picking the Christians do??

        • shivaskeeper

          It’s not. I’ll cherry pick on occasion to point out the folly of cherry picking. But overall I try to look at the book as a whole.

          • Serai 1

            One can say, “Look at this verse, it’s terrible!” But to say that one thing makes the entire book worthless only tells me the person hasn’t read the book at all, or they’re just trying to back up their prejudice. Not at all reasonable, logical, or rational. Spock would not approve.

          • shivaskeeper

            I’m not doing that though. What I did was point out these particular Christians deliberately overlook the main theme of the Bible, and the New Testament in particular, in favor of a handful of disparate verses that are not only taken out if context, but are generally regarded as mistranslated as well. That is not cherry picking.

          • Serai 1

            I did say “one”, not “you”. It was a rhetorical point. :)

          • shivaskeeper

            OK. Just making sure. It’s the main reason I don’t list specific verses to make a point.

    • Serai 1

      The kind of Christian we’re talking about has a way to wriggle out of any commandment or edict their god handed down that they don’t like. For this one, it’s NEIGHBOR ONLY MEANS CHRISTIANS LIKE ME. Nobody else gets love because they’re not “neighbors” – meaning people like me. That’s what they tell themselves. Really.

      I can’t see any better proof that these assholes don’t actually believe their god has any power at all. If they really did believe that, they wouldn’t dare try to escape doing what their god TELLS THEM TO DO.

  • SadDemInTex
    • jowgajen

      UUs aren’t Christian. Well … some UUs are Christian also too. But the whole point is that there is not prescribed doctrine, you don’t even have to be a theist.

      • SadDemInTex

        That’s why they are awesome.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        According to Hitchens, they believe in one god at the most.

        • Serai 1

          Wrong. There are UU Pagans. That means polytheism. What a shock that Hitchens would be wrong about a religion!!!

          • P’jama Pahnts

            He was just being funny. I didn’t know about those guys though.

          • Serai 1

            Yep. CUUPS – the Congregation of Universalist Unitarian Pagans. Fun bunch!

      • Les Appentis De la résistance

        Can I Unitarily worship a Trinity?

        • jowgajen

          Modernly, yes. The original Unitarian ideology was in opposition to the trinity idea. It believed in a single divine purpose knowable to each person for themselves. The church later merged with the Universalists who believe that all faiths and all people have some measure of the universal truth. So within the Universalist tradition, worshipping a Trinity was perfectly fine.

          Some UU churches hold more firmly to their original Unitarian beliefs, and some hold more firmly to their original Universalist beliefs. But over the past couple of decades they’ve done a lot of work towards integrating the two within individual churches. But each congregation is its own independent entity, so there are going to be some flavor differences still.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I’m more of a bipolar-arian.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Ain’t no Aryans in my family.

  • Sometimes it’s good to get a glimpse of the wrong side of history, if only to reaffirm that it ain’t our side…

  • Uncle Mark

    Interesting name there: “Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission.” I find it amusing that a cult calling themselves “Southern Baptists” came into existence when they broke off from the Baptists over the issue of slavery. I think that given their history, they have no right to use the words “ethics” or “liberty” in any of their organizations.

    Besides having a wretched experience among them when I did some thankless volunteer work to help one such church, I could see that their religion would just evaporate away, if it wasn’t about looking down on other people. If they weren’t busy looking down on black (slaves) or gays or “evil liberals,” they would be at each other’s throats. (I had actually seen that at the same such “church,” by the way.). I was even told from some hag with a big smile on her face (after I had helped them pro bono) that Catholics (like me) weren’t actually Christian, and that I was going to hell. I didn’t even get an “I’ll pray for you” from the self-righteous, blue-haired harpy.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I know of a Baptist congregation in West Virginia that experienced a schism because of indoor plumbing. The pastor and the larger group wanted to build toilet facilities inside the church building, and the other group decided doing so was blasphemous. They took the holy outhouse with them to their new church when they went.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        WUT!?!?

        SMDH & RMDE

      • Rasilom

        The Holy Outhouse. I kinda like it. Seems to fit most of these fuckwads quite well.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        First Sanctified Church of the Validated Stereotype…

      • Lord Jim

        So relations at that church totally went in the shitter. :)

    • shivaskeeper

      The last incumbent for the head of the SBC’s Ethics Commission was ousted for plagiarism. Decades of plagiarism.Decades of known plagiarism. Mighty fine ethics there.

      Just saying.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Shorter Uncle Mark: Fuck these people.

      • Uncle Mark

        We know what they really want to call themselves is “We’re God’s Favorites & We’re Better Than You, So You Have To Do What We Say.” Personally, I would much prefer to take up money to put them in a death cage match to REALLY determine who’s God’s favorite. After some initial bitch-slapping, the end result would probably be a bunch of blubbering and self-defecation…and no real carnage.

  • The Librarian

    Not sorry I grew up with zero religion (cultural Joo only). While I did make it a point to check out churches and synagogues just to see if I was missing anything, I came to the “not for me” conclusion. Many fine ones out there who do good works, but the reading material left me cold.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Both of my parents grew up being educated in the catholic system. Literally kindergarten through college in the 50s/60s when anyone who was gay or pregnant or in any way different got shipped to their school to be “reformed” by the nuns.

      Thank the goddess, their take away was that most organized religion is a terrible thing that promotes ugly divisions between humanity and any relationship we have with god should be a completely private and personal spiritual experience.

      • The Librarian

        Agreed!!

    • eka

      didn’t grow up with religion myself, though my mom would randomly have us attend one church or another because she liked the idea of community, but those visits were rare. my grandmother was christian scientist, which other than the whole medical thing which in that church only my grandmother took seriously was all about “god is love” and “here are some blank pages to write your own thoughts on this week’s reading”, so not so much anyone telling you what to do. when I was 15 i got curious and tried reading some of the bible. that turned me off religion right quick.

      • The Librarian

        My mom attended Christian Science when young (grandma tried all kinds of churches) and though she didn’t stay with anything, told me she liked it best. IIRC, the medical thing came much later. I read the book and it was not at all what I expected, no fire and brimstone.

  • altleftjohn
  • TimResistit

    Please. These people went way over the line by supporting the least christian person on the earth, trump. Anything they do/say now if just buttermilk shit frosting on their turd cake.

    • jowgajen

      If it weren’t obvious before that it has always really been about maintaining white supremacy, then it should be blindingly obvious now.

  • cheetojeebus

    This is a big step backward from the “Original” Port Huron Statement, not the compromised second draft. .

  • Crystalclear12

    Another stellar selection from the dick of the month club.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Limp Dick of the Month Club, FIFY.

  • To anyone who actually believes this arglebargle:
    History will not judge you kindly.

    • TJ Barke

      The present doesn’t either.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Neither will their “God”.

    • george lastrapes

      I hope that history will judge kindly those who are kind.

  • stumpknocker

    well if you look at what these people call heaven, hanging out in the fermament praising God for eternity, i’m with micky gilly, send me to hell where the mogan david is pouring free.

    • SadDemInTex

      You should read “Captain Stormfield’s Visit to Heaven” by Mark Twain. It is Twain at both his darkest and most humane time. And if you want really dark Twain on religion “The Mysterious Stranger”. You can read both online for free.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Thanks for the references. I added them to my reading list.

        Thank dawG for Project Gutenburg!

      • therblig

        been awhile since i’ve read “the mysterious stranger”. but in the meantime…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USZGm9GR7ak

        • SadDemInTex

          I love the “moral sense” part.

        • SadDemInTex

          In the written story the important part is about the “moral sense” and how the angels are free from it and humans are destroyed by it.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Henry and Daniel are trying to adopt. (Yes, the Catholic Charities part is somewhat fictitious.)

    That was how Daniel would describe himself and Henry to the adoption services. “We are a non-traditional couple.” But he called Catholic Charities anyway, just to cross them off his ever-shortening list of agencies. So he was surprised when, after he explained things, they said, “That doesn’t matter. We just want people and families who can love our children.”

    “Well, thank you for your –” he stopped himself. “What?”

    “There are all kinds of children. That’s why God makes all kinds of families. When can you come in?”

    • george lastrapes

      If you want to see inclusivity in action, drop in on your local St. Vinnie’s. You’ll see Catholics, atheists, Jews, Hindus, Baptists, cis, trans, straights, gays, black, brown, white, you name it, working there and as clients.
      Christianity can raise your hackles, but it can warm your cockles, too.
      (As in, cockles of your heart. I don’t have any idea where the hackles are located.)

      • NastyBossetti

        Your hackles are located on your dog or cat. It’s the part of an animal’s back where all the hair stands up when they’re scared or angry.

        • george lastrapes

          That means- I’ve got hackles.

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        I love that!

        In researching that moment in the story, I learned CC in NYC does not handle adoptions themselves but refers couples to agencies that do. I ignored that because I wanted a religious character to turn the one man, one woman argument on its head — “God makes all kinds of families”.

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    aw – the same David French who got hit tighty whities in a wad on Twitter because some Trump-racist knuckledragers were coming after him for his multi-racial family — that guy? Well, FUCK him — hypocrite.

  • Edith Prickly
    • armed_bears

      He seems nice.

      • Serai 1

        He was a good guy generally – when he wasn’t hungry, that is.

    • Serai 1

      We don’t really know if Jesus would be cool with it or not. We only know none of the people who came after him wrote down his opinions on the matter. And that could be because he was cool with it, or it might be that he just never said anything about it.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Fuck these evilangelical christains back to the Hell they came from.

    The only time I spell “Christian” properly, is when I comment about Jimmy Carter, who actually walks the walk and talks the talk. As a quasi-militant antitheist (by that, I feel that mere “athiests” are pussies), I can still have admiration for religious folks who show devotion to their scriptures without hypocrisy. I strongly feel that Jimmy Carter is one such person.

    As for the rest of the christain hypocrites, they can all just fucking burn for all I care. I’ll even add some accelerant to raise the temperature a bit.

    • HorseChestnut

      There are people of faith who are deeply committed to doing good and helping other humans. These folks are my allies, I don’t care what sky god(s) they talk to before bed.

      • Serai 1

        It’s getting very tiring to keep seeing people here claiming that all religion is awful or that all Christians are bad. I thought we were supposed to be better than the people who claim all Muslims are bad just because some of them are violent?

        • george lastrapes

          I like what Kant said, which is, more or less: God transcends all categories, including existence and non-existence.
          Much to ponder in that!

          • Serai 1

            Carl Sagan said about Buddhists, “They believe their god is so great, he doesn’t even need to exist.” Cheeky way to word it.

            My own view is that something started the universe, and since we do not and will not ever know what that something was, it could well be a god. So I’m covering my ass.

    • Serai 1

      You do know there are millions of decent Christians who don’t believe this hateful bullshit, right?

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        yes

  • CripesAmighty

    So, is anyone gonna give a shit about this crankery except those that already do?

    Circle Jeebus-Jerk.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      no

    • eggs ackly-wright

      It is my strongly held belief that these folks are dicks.

  • TJ Barke

    Hey, assholes, it’s your god’s place to judge people, not yours. So FO&D.

  • ahughes798

    There’s always the UU, if an LGBTQ person needs god. They’re a bit beige, but they take everybody and make them feel welcome. Hell, it’s where I first came out as an atheist many years ago, and it was no big deal to them. When I felt a need for a welcoming community….I found it in a church!

    • HorseChestnut

      Also UCC/ Congregational. More Jesus-focused, if that’s what you’re into, but similarly accepting/ inclusive.

    • SadDemInTex
    • Serai 1

      So much for religion being awful and designed to hurt everyone, eh?

      • ahughes798

        Well, the God-Botherers wouldn’t consider UU to be a proper religion because it doesn’t discriminate against anyone.

        • Serai 1

          Which is the reason I keep pointing out that CHRISTIAN =/= RELIGION. I wish people would get that, already.

  • jesterpunk

    These so called Christians should be treated the same way the WBC is treated.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e5hRLbCaCs

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD-fWMYcHXk

  • Moebym of the Returners

    A real dick move in the midst of a flood disaster…

    • CripesAmighty

      Well, since they can’t blame the Tx Bible-beaters for bringing the wrath of Jeebus on themselves with their heathen whatnot, they just have to settle for some stand-alone dickery.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • SadDemInTex

    And C.S. Lewis “Christianity has not been tried and found wanting, It has been found difficult and not tried”.

    • Serai 1

      THANK YOU.

  • shivaskeeper

    Fuck these fucking fucks. That is all.

    IIRC this is just another rewording of the Manhattan Declaration and who the fuck knows how many other similar declarations from these fucksticks that they really, really, really hate LGBT people. But not the people, mind you, they just hate the sin. And they will say that bullshit with a straight face.

    Fuck them. Seriously. If some of them got laid on occasion, they might not be so into other people’s sexuality.

  • TimResistit

    If God really exists He’d know not to expect me to get up on a Sunday morning and go to church, ’cause he made me lazy that way.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      ♫Well, I’ve been faithful
      And I’ve been so good
      Except for drinkin’
      But he knew that I would♫

  • IdRatherBeDancing

    I’m gonna go have some polyamory butt-sechs just to spite these fuckholes — ALL NIGHT LONG!

    • Vincent Ricola

      I rarely use the words “American patriot”, but I think it applies in your case.

  • Ilgattomorte

    The problem here is God. For an all powerful, all knowing being who can do anything, at any time, he really is overly concerned with people’s junk. I mean, the bible does devote an inordinate amount of time to the care and feeding of one’s nether regions.

    There are so many damn rules about how you touch it, who touches it, when you touch it, what it should look like while it’s being touched and what you should do with the leftovers … Christ! I think God might be a little bit of a pervert sometimes. Think about it. He’s got a couple of straight forward rules about loving him, not lying, not stealing and not killing. Then he writes pages and pages of stuff, in great detail, about your junk … and shellfish. God really hates shellfish. I think he has an allergy.

    This is why Jesus and the New Testament don’t stand a chance. Peace, love and forgiveness are great messages, but they don’t have the oomph of turning some lady into salt just because she looked back at naked sinners being punished. Sex and violence sell! It’s almost like God is your drunk uncle who keeps sending everybody garbage emails. Sure it’s bullshit, but you know you know somebody’s got to be reading that shit.

    • SadDemInTex

      That is because the Bible was not written by “God”. It was written by guys who had problems with women (keeping them satisfied and submissive) and a lot of social anxiety. They also had to keep writing revisionist history where they won all the time because they were so holy (or manly or something). (Starting to sound like 45….😱). The “Old Testament” was slapped on in some early Church council because they needed all those ridiculous stories and rules. Jesus’ Golden Rule was too scary (and wrong in their eyes) “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

      • Serai 1

        You do know that several important chunks of the bible, including some that you don’t like, were written by women, right?

        • SadDemInTex

          I believe Harold Bloom was one of the people putting forth that theory (close reading of the text, etc.). Women are some of the biggest oppressors of other women….so it doesn’t make me think any differently. I just don’t think a woman in a matriarch society would have written half that crap.

    • SadDemInTex

      And I’m going to steal this comment. too good to languish just here.

      • Ilgattomorte

        Feel free to spread the gospel.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Repeat after me; desert bronze age culture with no germ theory.

      But, yes, I forget which comedian it was but something to the effect of “God is looking down from space with a big jewelers’ loupe in his eye, and every so often he says “You can’t stick that in there, you’ll void the warranty!””.

  • stumpknocker

    when a bunch of assholes get together to create God in their own image, you get the southern baptist convention.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Aaaaawww

    Hey yous guys, poor widdle fuzzy dumpkins haz a sad.

    https://www.democraticunderground.com/10029533658

    We should all send him some “encouraging” tweets.

    • 3FingerPete

      He’s got a rally thing coming up in Missouri. That usually cheers him up for a bit.

  • BearDeLaOursistance

    I’m willing to go as far as parthenogenesis, but self-conception? Man, these fundies are just CRAZY!

  • Ωbjectifier

    Self conception? No, you misunderstand. What we said was ‘go fuck yourselves’.

  • jesterpunk
  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    it’s off-topic and I should put it in the right thread, but this is where the cool kids are:

    https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/902881712010653697

    • GoutMachine

      “my heart” – FAKE NEWS

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos
      • jesterpunk

        He did MAGA yesterday.

        Make
        America
        Groan
        Again

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Arguing for tax cuts with one hand while saying we’ll spend on hurricane recovery with the other…
        I’ve seen this dance before.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          Again, my thought as well.
          hey, we’re on the same wavelength today!

        • jesterpunk

          How long until Republicans demand cuts to other programs to pay for the hurricane damage in Texas?

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            i hate to say this, but I really really really wonder what this crew’s response would have been if this had happened in oregon or california or some other blue state.

            (I know, I know, just look at Sandy, but I mean with Trump “in charge.”)

          • jesterpunk

            If it happened in a state that didnt vote for Trump he would ignore it. He only cares about his supporters and states he won.

          • jesterpunk

            Actually there is even proof of that already, look for any reaction from him about the wildfires in California.

      • cmd resistor

        Is a dying magazine the same as a failing magazine?

      • thewalkindude

        “Which magazines do you read, Donald?”

    • Vincent Ricola

      So very predisental.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      First-hand? YOU WERE 200+ MILES AWAY, YOU GIBBERING BABOON!

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        that’s the outrage I was looking for. (and my reaction as well).

        ; )

  • hendenburg2

    As Jesus was talking to his disciples, a crowd came upon bearing an adulterous woman. Jesus looked unto the crowd and said unto them “Let they who be without sin cast the first stone.” And a woman came forth from the crowd and cast her stone.

    And Jesus said unto her “Mom! I’m trying to make a point here!”

    • Joe Beese

      And Mary said “You’re always travelling. You never call. Your Father forbid you should ask how I’m doing…”

      • therblig

        the gospel according to nichols and may

      • lucidamente

        “And don’t tell me your seeing that tramp Mary Magdalene!”

        • renegade500

          Mary Magdalene was simply misunderstood.

      • hendenburg2

        “Why couldn’t you have just become a doctor?”

        “Mom! I heal the sick!”

      • jesterpunk

        “When are you going to have kids? You are always hanging around with these men and I will never have grandkids that way.”

      • Gayer Than Thou

        “You can go all the way to Cana to make water into wine, but can you ever remember to pick up a simple loaf of bread on the way home from the temple?”

  • bbayliss

    “Self-conception”???
    There are two forms of reproduction: asexual and sexual. In asexual reproduction, an organism can reproduce without the involvement of another organism.

    • Manders

      “Self-conception” is 2017’s “lifestyle choice.”

  • Joe Beese

    O/T: Fortunately, she can afford as many MAGA hats as she wants.

    I have no idea what Swift’s politics are (she seems to have been widely excoriated for keeping her vote private, which is obviously her right), but I’ve heard enough of her songs over the years so that of course I know what her politics are: I win, but for the record I’m the victim of haters and losers. As we’ve learned, you can go a long way with that, and she has. If nothing else, “Look What You Made Me Do” finds a new way to commercialize self-exoneration. It’s perfect for a world in which our chief executive’s chief subject of fascination is his own size, his reach, and the way in which he is received. If he ever puts out a record, it will surely be called, like hers, “Reputation.” (And in an alternate, kinder universe, Trump would be in his gold tower right now tweeting about Swift and Katy Perry the way he used to tweet about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.)

    Swift is a perfect, golden avatar of our moment, a child of the new century who understands celebrity as a form of constant curation of one’s brand the way that Madonna, a child of the old century, understood it as an act of persona creation. Whether or not she is a Trump supporter, she is an embodiment of Trump culture.

    http://www.vulture.com/2017/08/taylor-swift-look-what-you-made-me-do-pure-trump-era-pop-art.html

  • stumpknocker

    self conception will make you go blind

    • eggs ackly-wright

      So says Harry Palmer.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      I actually knew that twitter person…I’d check his facts.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Thanks for the heads up

      • Rags

        And from Politico

        ‘The Trump Organization has renewed its claim on more than 1,000 of the web domains registered by its general counsel, including some politically sensitive websites such as TrumpRussia.com and TrumpTowerMoscow.com.’

        http://www.politico.com/story/2017/07/05/trump-tower-moscow-240238

        However, you can snag ‘trumptowermoscow.club’ for only 99 cents at GoDaddy.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          i was referring to the top twitter person – about Trump having land and plans. Grant (was? is?) a real estate person.

  • Cock Blockula

    Southern Baptists — Giving Religion a Bad Name since 1845

    • MynameisBlarney

      To be honest, most religions give religion a bad name.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It’s true they’re latecomers to the game, but they’re doing their damnedest to make up for lost time.

    • SadDemInTex

      Interesting timing…that is about when abolistionists were really getting going in the US.

      • shivaskeeper

        Not interesting at all. Southern Baptists schismed from the Northern Baptists over slavery. The entire sect was founded on white supremacy and the modern SBC refuses to come to terms with that. They won;t even admit that was the reason for the split, let alone attempt to change course over it.

      • Cock Blockula

        Bingo!

  • Gorillionaire

    Beautifully said, Evan.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    I’m a member of George Carlin’s church. The one where we pray to Joe Pesci.

  • David Chaillou

    With Bannon at the helm the real crazies are flocking back to Breitbart.

    When Nolte writes “Real Americans hate CNN [because CNN is] a hate network devoted to destroying everything most Texans stand for, live for, believe in and cherish: faith, family and freedom”, the Breitbart readers do not even raise an eyebrow.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    I’ve come around to the idea that religious conservatives believe in their religions in the same way that conservatives generally believe in most things: they don’t really, but they mouth the pieties in order to feel superior to others by tearing them down from a socially protected place.

    Let he who is without sin cast the first stone = religious judgment is for God alone, assholes. Read your own goddam source document.

  • Raan

    May the devil know they’re dead five minutes before St. Peter tells them to fuck right off the edge of his dick.

    • Serai 1

      Oh, GREAT. Now I’ve got an image of crowds of tiny Christians dancing all over St. Peter’s massive schlong, which he’s stuck out over the edge of the cloud so he can flick the unworthy off his dick like little bible-waving fleas.

  • 3FingerPete

    But having concubines is still cool, right?

    • Raan

      Only if you’re planning on divorcing your cancer-ridden wife.

    • Khavrinen

      I’d be willing to bet hard cash that there are at least a couple of guys who signed that thing that have them, though probably not openly.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    John 11:35.

    • armed_bears

      John replies: “In traffic. Can we make it a quarter till noon?”

    • Serai 1

      He’s never stopped, honey.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    The Catholic Church has a lot to answer for as well. I just watched “The Keepers” on Netflix – about how the Archdiocese of Baltimore basically shut down the police investigation into Sister Cathy Cesnik’s murder so nobody would know about the priest who had been sexually abusing teenage girls at a local Catholic high school for years, not to mention altar boys at his previous parish. Apparently the Archdiocese of Baltimore owns the Baltimore Police Department.

    • “The Keepers” tells a tale that pissed me right off..

      • Angela Ruzzo

        The really sick thing is that the same thing is going on almost everywhere in the world where the Catholic Church is pre-emiment. For 3 years I ran the computer network for a religious order that had a facility outside St. Louis where the “bad boys” were sent for long-term inpatient therapy, instead of going to prison. Some of them were very bad indeed, and they came from all over the US, and even Canada. Some of them were long-term pedophiles who had been moved from parish to parish for years.

        • The film must have been hard to watch for you knowing what you do.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            It wasn’t too bad…I have had a low opinion of the Catholic Church since I was about 6, when they told me 1) my father was going to burn in hell because he wasn’t a Catholic and 2) I couldn’t be an Altar Boy because I didn’t have a penis. What was hard was working for that religious order for 3 years.

          • I was an altar boy who wasn’t molested, but I never got along with the priest’s.

            I was kicked out of catechism classes because I asked too many questions and that was all it took for me as a child to see through the charade.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            The light bulb went off for me in catechism class too. The nun was telling a story about a rich little girl who got three pairs of leather slippers for Xmas – black, red and white – and she decided to give one pair to a poor little girl she had seen begging on the street who had no shoes. So she gave the white pair, BECAUSE IT WAS HER FAVORITE PAIR. The nun said the point was she sacrificed the pair she liked best, therefore earning extra points in heaven that would get her out of Purgatory. She said everything you do for Jesus must involve a sacrifice, otherwise it doesn’t count.

            I was only 6, but I thought “WTF?” using other words. The Christian ideal is to be charitable and share with those less fortunate and to do it anonymously, not to get praise for making a pointless sacrifice so YOU can get out of Purgatory. Besides, I thought, the poor little girl didn’t give a damn which pair of shoes she got, she just needed a pair of shoes. My third thought was that dainty white leather slippers might not be much use to a poor little girl. By the time I worked this all out I realized that everything they were teaching us was garbage that had nothing to do with Jesus’ teachings.

            Of course I didn’t think with these words, as I was only 6, but I still figured it out. I think my actual final thought was “This is stupid. I’d give the poor girl the pair I liked least, and then we would BOTH be happy.” Then I read about Joan of Arc and I thought “This is REALLY stupid.” Then they told me I couldn’t be an Altar Boy because girls weren’t good enough to touch the sacramental vessels. That was the end for me.

    • NastyBossetti

      That was a difficult series to watch. Every five minutes, I had to pause it to yell, “What?! the?! FUCK?!” at the tv and MrBossetti.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Me too. I was raised Catholic, but I did not go to Catholic School or interact with nuns and priests outside of church services, so I was not properly indoctrinated. I CAN NOT figure out how they brainwashed those girls from earliest childhood to the point where they suffered that kind of abuse and didn’t say anything to anyone and did whatever they were told to do. That is some serious brainwashing. The program did not talk about that, but it was outside the scope of the program, so I don’t blame them.

        • Serai 1

          I can tell you – the families. I was brought up by a Catholic mom and went to Catholic schools. But I never bought that “ultimate authority” shit because of my dad, who has always been a very vocal atheist. I didn’t lack religious belief the way he did, but I also didn’t automatically accept what the nuns and priests said, and I certainly didn’t cede them any authority over me or my soul, other than the legal authority they had as teachers in the schools. Had any priest or nun tried this kind of shit, I’d have shrieked bloody murder – and my dad would have shot him. (That’s not a joke, by the way.) But the kids who were victimized by that evil creature were likely surrounded by the idea that he had the right to do as he did, with everyone saying he could do no wrong BECUZ GOD. So they had nowhere to turn and no help at hand from anyone. What were they supposed to do, given that they were young girls, who are the members of Christianity traditionally given the least amount of power? And given that they were taught by everyone that the worst punishment imaginable would result if they refused to do what he said?

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I accept that at a theoretical and intellectual level, but I also see that it is a clear description of classic brainwashing, as most religious training is. My Italian aunts and uncles raised their children to accept without question whatever the nuns and priests said, but my mother was different for some reason. Also my father was an Atheist. He didn’t talk about it, but we all knew it. My father’s influence was subtle – he taught me to question everything, outside of religion, and of course that training spilled over into religion without my noticing.

            My Baptist and Methodist relatives brainwashed their children from infancy just as much as my Catholic relatives did.

            When I was 8 my mother informed me on the ride to school that it was the anniversary of her mother’s death in 1944. So at lunch that day I walked across the street to the Catholic Church (my public school was caddycorner from the church and the Catholic school) and went inside and lit a candle for the grandma I never knew. I was seen doing this. I was called into the Principal’s office and told I was not allowed to leave the school grounds during the day. Now this was a lie. Kids left school every single day to walk home for lunch, or to walk 2 blocks to the drug store where they had a lunch counter and candy and soda machines. I knew this, and I told the Principal “That’s not true, because XYZ. And nobody has ever told us we can’t leave the school grounds.” He dropped the subject, just told me to go back to class. I told my mother when she picked me up, she turned the car around and drove back to the school, went in to see the principal, was in there for at least 30 minutes, but I had to sit outside. I wish I had been a fly on the wall. When she came out she had a grim look and said “You forget what he said, he was mistaken.” This only happened because I was the only Catholic child in that public school, and some of the staff were anti-Catholic. But nobody fucked with my mother if it had to do with her children.

            That was Robert E. Lee school, built in 1904. I read last week that they are going to rename it.

          • Serai 1

            I wish your mom had been my mom. Great story!

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Thanks! She made a great apple pie, too.

          • Serai 1

            *sigh* My mom never made a pie. I had to learn on Youtube.

  • Worst recruitment campaign ever.

  • I am kind of surprised that Joel Osteen didn’t fly up from Houston on his private jet to sign this piece of shit statement. And use that as an explanation of why he couldn’t open up his stadium church to help people survive hurricane Harvey.

  • Relativicus

    Jesus, what an asshole.

  • OrG

    Too bad there’s no hell. Some of these people would be really surprised when they checked in.

  • Randy Riddle

    Oddly, by the strangest coincidence, Hamilton 68 reports that Russian propaganda bots are trending the hashtag #nashvillestatement. I can’t imagine why.

    http://dashboard.securingdemocracy.org

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Hmmm. What if God is a quantum thing? What if He only exists for those silly enough to believe in Him, but is null & void for the rest of us? Seems to me in that case…they’re still fucked, because even if He’s only real for them, He still is as they imagine Him to be, and therefore so is Hell (Heaven may as well not exist, so few of them will be going).

    • wait! what?

      Soul entanglement would be part of God’s TOE.

  • jesterpunk

    Osteen now says the church didnt open its doors sooner because Houston didnt ask them to take in people.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/joel-osteen-lakewood-church-houston-harvey_us_59a6ac7fe4b084581a148cef

    “If people were here, they’d realize there were safety issues,” Osteen said during the TV appearance. “We were just being precautious, but the main thing is the city didn’t ask us to become a shelter then.”

    • OrG

      He’s lying.

      • jesterpunk

        Yes he is and its not even a good lie. He is blaming the city for him not doing the “christian” thing and helping his neighbors when they need help.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Thus the Pharisee misses what is plain as day to the furniture salesman.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Just like Jesus waited on the Romans, because He didn’t want to cause any disruptions.

      https://faith17983.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/rewrite-the-bible.jpg

      ~snort~

      • susan_g

        Republican Jesus is one angry, hateful motherfucker.

      • Serai 1

        That’s a damn good summation of the problem, right there.

    • wait! what?

      I get it. I haven’t donated money to his church because he hasn’t personally asked me.

    • NastyBossetti

      The first rule of Christian charity is that if you don’t explicitly ask for it, you get nothing.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      You weren’t being precautious, you were being preselfish, and a preasshole too. Also preavaricious.

    • The FUX & Frenz interview with Lord Osteen was positively and predictabily bilious. I made it 2 seconds past the intro.

    • Serai 1

      I read a breakdown on what happened, and yeah, there were multiple reasons why they didn’t open. But they also didn’t SAY anything about it, and thus brought all this shit down on themselves. When you’re a big public presence, you gotta be able to handle PR better than THAT, for God’s sake (literally).

    • jodyleek

      Did he say anything about his own house or houses? They’re probably on dry land. Why can’t he bring people who need shelter there? (Yeah, I crack myself up)

  • Aileen

    Y’all deny that God designed marriage to be a polygamous relationship? Uh, have you READ the Old Testament? (I’ve only skimmed it and lost interest when I ran into too many begets, but I seem to recall a whole lot of sister wives.)

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Yeah, Christian doctrine on the Old Testament, supposedly superseded by the New, is muddled as fuck. Basically, the OT is operative when they say it is, obsolete where they say it is.

    • SayItWithWookies

      And if your wife can’t bear a child, you’re allowed to fuck the maid.

    • rosenbomb

      “Too many begets” is making me chuckle. I need to find more uses for that phrase

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Like, when Lot’s daughters got him drunk and took turns riding him? That stuff on Pornhub is too weird for even me.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I read the buybull twice. The whole thing. That’s why I am an antitheist. You didn’t miss much and it could have fucked you up big time had you read it “too hard.” I was lucky.

    • Raan

      Also, Christ sure is married to a lot of nuns.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    “Council on Biblical Manhood”
    If that isn’t flaming, I no longer know what is.

    • Nockular cavity

      “His rigid biblical manhood strained at his tight jeans.” Yup, works pretty good there.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      It makes me think of manhood in biblical proportions. Does that make me a bad person?

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Most Bibles edit out where Moses slapped his Biblical Manhood on the Red Sea to part the waters.

  • arensb

    James Dobson (founder of Focus on the Family)

    I just wanted to remind people that on their headquarters in Colorado Springs, there’s a statue of a girl reading to her younger siblings. The book reads,
    “Jesus is the good shepherd
    The good shepherd always takes care of his sheep.
    “Sheep say Baa! Baa! Baa!”

  • Professor Fate

    Again the remark “the problem with Baptists is that they don’t hold them down long enough” comes to mind.

    • johnnysandiego

      Took me a sec. Longer baptisms indeed!

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Khavrinen

      Well, that’s just common sense and good manners.
      I mean, the dildos could get damaged, after all.

  • Panika MCD

    daw nice times from Harvey:

    some first responders are using their breaks to go help with love on and walk dogs and prep animals for transport to shelters taking on evacuated animals!

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    believe it or not, I wasn’t raised as a raging fundie, so wtf is this about:

    “[hetero marriage] is meant to signify the covenant love between Christ and his bride the church”

    Wait, man-man marriage is wrong, but Semi-Deity/Loosely affiliated religion marriage is okay? (Or does he mean a physical church building?)

    • Churches are people too, my friend.

      • Major_Major_Major

        I hear they like to take it in the apse.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          “oy, we’re going to get letters about that one.”

          (From some tv show that made an apse joke.)

          • Major_Major_Major

            I was gonna go with: Does this donation plate make my apse look fat? But decided to set the bar even lower.

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            ‘s okay – we approve. I just couldn’t help it.

            (Ah, it’s from the American version of Sit Down, Shut Up. The flirty character tells the shy guy she got it on with a priest. He asks something like, “These men had relations with you in church?” And she says, “Only in the apse.” And he says “oy, we’re going to get letters about that one.”

          • Raan

            I sat here, lightly pounding my fist into my thigh, trying to think of that show.

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            IKR? I almost said Arrested Development, cause i knew it was whathisname’s voice, but then it finally came to me.

        • Serai 1

          Don’t be a nave!

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        they don’t pay taxes, so i disagree.

        ; P

    • Lord Jim

      They say it’s meant to signify “covenant love”, but only after saying it’s all about “procreation”. So if you’re sterile you can’t have a proper marriage either. Besides, they have it all backward – the church-as-bride metaphor takes marriage as given, so marriage can’t be a symbol of the Christ-church relationship. That’s anachronistic.

    • Serai 1

      What’s really funny about all this is that it wasn’t until AFTER the medieval period that marriage was considered a holy state. Before then, it was just the nasty default condition Christians had to resort to in order to avoid “fornication” and thus hell. Celibacy and chastity were the holy states, not marriage. Thus, for the most part, it wasn’t that big a deal who you married. It wasn’t even consecrated in church until the late medieval period, which goes to show you how wonderful they thought the whole idea was.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    Currently writing “Mrs. Evan Hurst” all over my algebra notebook, because I am obviously not paying attention in Algebra I. Which I am going to fail, again.

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      X+Y=Godly
      X+X=Hussie

  • armed_bears

    Oh sure… every 500 years, somebody has to try, but you’re never gonna top that one from Nicaea.

  • jesterpunk

    President Bartlet has a few questions about the bible.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1-ip47WYWc

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The pwnage in this clip is divine.

      • Serai 1

        It’s brilliant, but it’s not original. “A friend forwarded me a copy of an anonymous Internet posting in which the author sarcastically agreed with Dr. Laura [Schlessinger, the controversial talk-radio host] that homosexuality was an abomination as cited in Leviticus. He or she then went on to point out other Old Testament passages that mentioned extreme punishments for what today are some pretty ordinary things.” – Aaron Sorkin – The West Wing (creator) From what I understand, the speech is almost word for word the same as what that anonymous commenter wrote. Guess Sorkin thought that if he didn’t know who wrote it, that meant it was okay to claim it as his own idea.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          Sorkin’s briliilant – but kind of a dick sometimes.

          • everstar

            Did you ever see the YouTube compilation of Sorkinisms? It’s remarkable.

        • Lord Jim

          Interestingly, it is only man/man homeroticism that is labelled “abomination” (which is a cultic term, I believe). The ladies get a free pass – which is cool with me :P

          • Serai 1

            “Abomination” is a clumsy English translation of a Hebrew word that simply means “something Jews don’t do”. It does not imply hellfire or anything else like that. It’s a cultural term rather than a religious one, or so I’ve been told by a guy who writes books on this stuff.

    • Serai 1

      And yet he still managed to be a very devout Christian. Funny, that.

      That speech wasn’t aimed at picking at the Bible. It was aimed at too many Christians’ ignorance about the Bible. Rather a different thing.

      • jesterpunk

        Sadly a lot of people ignore the bible even if they do read it and just pick and choose which parts to pay attention to and which parts to use to attack other people with.

        • Serai 1

          A thing true of many who don’t believe in it, as well.

  • rosenbomb

    On the other end of the fundie spectrum, we’ve got people adopting the “I love you but I just simply can’t support your lifestyle choice” schtick. These people are just as culpable in spreading hate, in my opinion. I had a friend on my faceplace like an article that expressed this sentiment and it’s irked me ever since.

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Wait, wait: So they admit there’s such a thing as gender identity?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8325e171922f8130d473ad72e3b20ccfcc633e5dcf19f0b0a7f6976cfc8e3cf9.png

    • wait! what?

      Yes. They word ninja-ed themselves in the spleen with that one.

      God appoints me to link my gender and my self-conception.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        yeah, it’s like trying to handle a slippery eel.

        I tried to follow – but it escaped me. So, there’s a god-appointed (?) link between your brain and your bits. But god only approves of people who’s brain matches their bits, and if your brain is different from your bits, you’re a sinner. Do I have that right?

        • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

          Yes, you are committing a congenital sin.

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Methinks you are thinking too hard about this shit.

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            lol, a key part of the LSAT is when you’re given a sample argument and you’re supposed to pick an answer that replicates the logic (often flawed).

            It’s good practice.

          • SadDemInTex

            That is the thing that gets me on tests like the LSAT. It never rewards true logical thinking or original thought. You really have to subvert yourself to a certain extent to do well (that and read really fast).

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            it’s apparently a very accurate predictor of how well people do on the LSAT…although some schools are now letting you sub GRE for it (the most famous being harvard). I was thinking of giving that a shot, but I’d need to relearn math).

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            sorry, i meant how well people do in law school.

          • puredog

            I dunno. I aced the hell out of the SATs and had an indifferent college academic career. Then I did poorly (by my lights) on the LSAT, but aced the hell out of law school. The short explanation is that I applied myself in law school; in college, not so much (other fish something something fry something).

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            can I ask what your percentile was? I’m still trying to judge whether I made a mistake not going. Mine was 80%, a 160 score. (you don’t have to be that specific if you don’t want to).

          • SadDemInTex

            Memories. I took the GRE when I was 19 (the year I got my Bachelors). (Nothing special I just took lotsa units per semester and summer school). I was stoked when I found out my English portion of the score was the same as my Yale graduate spouse who had gotten almost perfect SAT scores .(As an Arts major I got a respectable slightly higher than average score on the maths portion). The spousal unit actually tested out of the entire first year of Yale, the smarty pants.i

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Self-conception? Sounds like something Bannon would attempt.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Mandatory at moments like this. America’s Best Christian, Betty Bowers, explains Christian traditional marriage and Christian biblical mores.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFkeKKszXTw

  • wait! what?

    I wonder if this will come back:

    heaven-o
    In 1997, residents of Kingsville, Texas tried to legally change the word hello to heaven-o, because they felt this common greeting sounded too much like a neighborly welcome to the sweltering land of fire and damnation. Thank God they failed, because who knows what words and expressions they would’ve gone after next. How could I scare my children with tales of heavenfire and heavenbeasts, such as the heavenhound? And I’m not ready for a world where heavenicopters crash into balloons full of heavenium, leaving women named Heavenen to shout “Heaven-p! Heaven-p!”

    • Rags

      ‘My doctor says I’m perfectly heaventhy.’

      • wait! what?

        For me the follow up would be:

        “But your colon has a cross to bear.”

  • Lord Jim

    I think this statement was aimed more at other Christians, just like the “Chicago Statement” – “Fuck y’all liberal so-called Christians with your inclusiveness and broad-mindedness.” My response?

    They ain’t man enough to fuck me.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “When my wife torches dinner, I just tell her that, like God, I love burnt offerings.”
    ___ Jerry Seinfeld

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/15640526dca75ea7c73a5c240924d22746bc627be3354ccc8a78f84fe1360f14.jpg

  • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

    there’s nothing about gays or trans folk in the 10 Commandments…just sayin’.

    • Serai 1

      Nothing about marriage, either. Unless you count the one about not wanting to fuck your neighbor’s wife, which always struck me as being more about keeping peace in the village than about who gets to fuck who BECAUSE SEX BAD.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Lots about lying, though. Funny, that.

    • everstar

      Stop distracting us with relevant facts!

    • everstar
  • Bill D. Burger

    Christians tell people that being gay isn’t natural……..but a fucking talking snake? Yup…that’s natural.

    http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/19/196164f42514274cc4587bd018112ddbb61d377a0d614eb2c36dcc72337d2dd3.jpg

    • Serai 1

      Also, anyone who’s ever cut their beard, gotten a tattoo, or planted two different crops side by side.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        That’s gonna make crop rotation REALLY difficult.

    • Ms.Moon

      Wearing mixed fiber clothing is also verboten as well. So for all the poly blend wearing Christianists out there are not going to the good place.

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Theological point: “on the third day”

    I take issue with the First Council of Nicaea’s propaganda. Jesus died at 3 pm on Friday and was back up an hopping around on water at 6 am on Sunday. That is way less than three days. I’ve woken up wayyyyy later and with more prostitutes–if you count the dead ones!

    • Raan

      What kind of maniac wakes up at six in the morning on the weekend?

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Apparently a dead Jewish one.

    • puredog

      Friday was the first day, Saturday the second day, Sunday the third day. Et vwah-lah.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      that’s the frustrating thing about religion – people can twist theirs into seemingly giving divine authority to whatever fucked up idea they want.

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        Doricians 2:36
        If thou sticketh thine manhood into thy neighbor’s chicken, thou is holy in the eyes of the Lord.

        • eggs ackly-wright

          Holy chicken, full of grace.

          • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

            OMG! Grace has a penis!?

            THIS GOES IS AGAINST THE TALLAHASSEE TAKEOUT MENU!!

        • Serai 1

          Wouldn’t that be “Doritians”?

      • Serai 1

        That is exactly the problem – not religion, but HUMANS. Religion isn’t a thing on its own, after all. It’s a thought system created and used by people, and it cannot be separate from them. Thus, religion on its own is neither good nor evil. It acquires either of those traits when humans ACT either way. Good Christians (in the sense of following the teachings of their founder) are caring, decent, loving people. Bad Christians are greedy hateful shitheads. And you’ll find the same phenomenon in EVERY human group – including atheists. It’s all about the HUMAN tendency to be bad or good.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Government must be involved: hating fags, limiting marriage to breeders, forcing prayer
      Government must never be involved: Healing sick, feeding hungry, housing homeless, welcoming strangers

    • amrak63

      Another one I wish I could give 100 upvotes to.

  • Nockular cavity

    How is this different from the Westboro Baptist Church? The Shorter for the whole statement is “God hates fags!” What’s the difference?

    • wait! what?

      They’re taking ownership of the hate. The former group claims empowerment to hate.

    • paxpax

      I initially read that as “Westeros Baptist Church”

  • Cock Blockula

    Help me out Wonkeroos: Is it called “Cracker Barrel” because that’s what Crackers sit on when they eat at this establishment, or is it because actual edible-type crackers are served from a barrel? I haz confuze…

    • Raan

      I think it’s because that’s how crackers used to be shipped.

      Also, full disclosure: I actually really like their food.

      • Serai 1

        Those barrels also used to be used as stools in general stores, for the locals to sit on while they played their checkers on another barrel.

        • Permit-holder Ron

          Is that really meta, or is my blood sugar low again?

  • We the People Spite filled, hypocritical, hateful, partisan dried up, old windbags.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fae5fd4e2a76112a279f14ded780af89ec9ff65604e0eb3e0ceabf65e7cb5854.png

    • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

      i’m shocked, i shouldn’t be, but i am.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Unsurprising. Conway is one of the people Orwell was warning us about.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    These asstards ignore their own holy book to push their prudery on others. All you biblical polygamists were obviously sinners, to include you, King David, you horny asshole.

    • toughsister

      King David: murderer. He instructed that his general Uriah be placed in the riskiest spot in the battle (with whatever other assholes) so that he can marry Batsheba. Uriah gets killed. David marries Batsheba. From that murder-adultery combo issues a lineage which leads to Jesus of Nazareth, the “son of God”. Anyone having a problem with that?

      • Ms.Moon

        Jesus has an actual prostitute in the lineage somewhere since a prostitute (Rahab) let the Israelites spy from her house in Jericho and she and her family were spared from the massacre when the Israelites attacked and slaughtered the rest of the city. This in in the actual bible.

  • sincarne

    I think they fancy giving it a geographical name lends it credibility and gravitas. Like the “Nicene Creed” or any of the ecumenical councils. Instead it sounds like a press release after a tragedy at the Country Music Awards.

    • sincarne

      I think we should follow Evan’s lead and rename this thing to the “Bucksnort Shower Thoughts”.

      (I can’t edit, so I’m going to reply to myself. I’m sure one of the articles has something negative to say about this.)

      • amrak63

        Was “Bucksnort Shower Thoughts” the original title of “Nutbush City Limits”?

    • Permit-holder Ron

      I think it’s meant to evoke the equally odious ‘Chicago Statement,’ which does something similar for creationism and Biblical inerrancy.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • toughsister

      Not douchebags. Flaming turdbags.

  • Mavenmaven

    same types of jerks who gave us concepts like “trial by ordeal”.

  • Michael Smith

    Whenever I picture the people responsible for writing this statement, I’m just picture a hundred versions of Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Pretty much.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Yeah, going at each other hammer and tongs.

  • PixieThis

    Hey kids, don’t listen to these perverse adults. They aren’t talking about love, they’re talking about obsession and control and fear. Love, real love, doesn’t judge or condemn; Love is the only thing in the universe that we never run out of room for; our hearts always expand to include more love, not less. Love is found in friendship, parent and child, family, sweethearts and true mates. Love isn’t selfish or unkind; Love is giving and generous. Sometimes, love is hard – when loving someone means not enabling them, but love is strong enough to get you through.

    Sorry, long story short – love is everything these people are not.

    • Serai 1

      A sentiment rather beautifully explained in the Bible.

      https://img0.etsystatic.com/000/0/6206116/il_570xN.252478394.jpg

      It’d be nice if they’d read the thing, wouldn’t it?

      • Red Richmond

        Love that verse, used it for our wedding ceremony- Episcopalian, very progressive church community that would never stand for this sorry of bigoted pigshit. All are welcome, all are loved, all are accepted as they are, for who they are. But the intolerant and bigoted can go fuck right off back into the holes the crawled out of.

      • Khavrinen

        Trump told them they only had to read “Two Corinthians”, so they figured they could ignore the “1” part.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Don’t apologise. That was wonderful.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        I AGREE. And that is what pisses me off the most about this kind of crap. It’s going to get in front of kids who will think that they are unloved and unworthy and that something is the matter with them. I survived that and worked very hard to make sure younger folks should not have to put up with that kind of christofascist hysterical bullshit.

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    “Self conception.”

    The ultimate incest.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      Human Centipede 2: This Time It’s Bannon

  • VirginiaWackelpudding

    What an awful bubble to live in where you feel compelled to preach hate to those who only want to feel love.

  • cmd resistor

    Ok, so these jerks wrote and signed this thing. Now what? Print it on little cards to put in your wallet? On T-shirts? Get stupid state legislators to pass it as laws?

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Pretty sure they’re after #3 there.

    • sincarne

      It becomes short hand. Churches can broadcast that they’re aligned with the Nashville Statement, and folks will know said church hates the right people, and is safe to attend.

  • dslindc

    The DSLinDC Statement:

    LGBTQ people are awesome and should be loved and supported. Full stop.

  • harryr

    Post-menopausal woman who found true love late in life? Sorry, marriage is for procreation, so no wedding for you.
    Or is it different if she wants to marry a man?

    • chortlingdingo

      Or people who are sterile for whatever reason. No marriage for them either.

  • Invisible Bunyip

    “Figs! I said I hate figs!”

    • puredog

      “God hates fags?” Man, as if we remaining smokers didn’t have enough to contend with already.

  • dslindc

    I became a brunchatarian because it aligns with my views that brunch is better than church and that mimosas should be bottomless, and also too, because religion is often terrible, as is evidenced by this bigoted statement.

  • Jgb979

    You continue to support a narcissistic sociopathic sex monster who hasn’t opened a bible in his life. I’m pretty sure Leviticus says Donald Trump should already have been stoned to death several times over.

    Jesus doesn’t hate fags and you have no moral authority over anyone.

    • clubseal

      Some enterprising young whippersnapper should take “Jesus hates fags” and turn it into an anti-smoking ad campaign.

  • Bucksnort used to be (still is?) famous for it’s Bucksnort Smoke Trout.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e3d623a25de7f23094208c60ca21a6d2bfe6102932f2d0f94f7003eb42253f7a.jpg

    Trout from Bucksnort were famous for their delicious tastiness and their confusion on the concept on how hats worked.

  • chascates

    There’s an episode of Futurama where Bender the robot explains that his mother was an evangelical and that she didn’t have a mouth, which he explains is an unusual combination.

    Seriously, how can your Invisible Space Giant love all of his created pets yet be such as asshole about who they are or who they love?

    • clubseal

      One must first stretch their mind thoroughly before engaging in the mental gymnastics required to hold those conflicting beliefs.

  • cheetojeebus
  • Pat_Pending

    I wonder what those back-room (or should I say ‘back-door’) discussions look and sound like. I mean, these are the sleaziest of the sleazy rip-off artists. Do they come right out and say, ‘how much money can we make off fucking over the rubes with this anti-gay shit?’ and then take off their clothes and roll around naked on an oil-covered Twister mat, cackling all the while?

    • unionthuggery

      Oil is far too decadent, they grease each other up with lard.

      • RMKH

        Pig shit

    • Chuck Lindsey

      One of the former presidents of he SBC, also a former pastor of Fort God over there on 1-40 and Appling in Memphis, was recorded in a meeting saying something like, “If I tell them turnips have souls, they’ll believe turnips have souls…”

  • Bitter Scribe

    Most of these “articles” are in language that’s drearily familiar, if maybe a little more pompous than usual. But WTF is this “self-conception” stuff? I find Article 5 particularly confusing. Are they saying that God could “self-conceive” as female? Isn’t that heresy?

    I’m just surprised they didn’t use Roman numerals for that extra bit of pomposity. But maybe that would have been too Church of Romanish.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      American numerals, like Jesus used, are good enough for them!

  • unionthuggery

    Bumpus Mills is closer to Nashville, but without the benefit of an interstate exit. “The Bumpus Mills Napkin Notes”, no?

    • Catstro

      As in The Bumpus Hounds? Because that sounds about right.
      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pPRdj1Ce4ao

      • unionthuggery

        To be honest, we Tennessee folk have excellent town names. Nutbush, Bugscuffle, Bone Cave…

        • amrak63

          We have some good ones in the Arkanshire, too. Evening Shade, Oil Trough, Wabbaseka, Calico Rock, Bald Knob, Hogeye, Possum Grape…

          • unionthuggery

            We also have a Bald Knob in Tennessee.

  • Lyly Sirivong

    And God is wondering “When did I ever design marriage ?”

    • george lastrapes

      When He drew up the plans for hell?

  • I like Nashville Cats better.

    • yyyaz

      And they’re so good they have gigs before they’re two.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Fuck you Osteen.
    the city didn’t ask us to become a shelter

    They didnt have to ask Mattress Mack, either, and he was risking furniture more valuable than your stinking carpets…

    • jodyleek

      The city didn’t ask him, but Jesus did for fucks sake! The least of these, so on and so forth…
      I’m an atheist and I’ve got more biblical understanding than these televangelist pukes. Hell, my toenail fungus has more.

      • amrak63

        If God actually excludes anyone from Heaven, Jodyleek has a better chance of getting in than Osteen, IMHO.

  • puredog

    I say they should stub their little toes, which are much easier to break.

    • capnkrunch

      Good thing I scrolled down. I was about to say the same thing.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Religious and government leaders always call on Muslims to denounce Muslims extremism. Where are the Christian leaders denouncing these extremeists?

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Too many of those Christian leaders ARE the extremists.

    • HooverVilles

      EGG-SACTLY!

  • CO
    • Augustus

      she’ll still cash the check, though

  • Permit-holder Ron

    Even, this needs to be added to the Wonkette Style Guide:
    per Slacktivist – ‘Tony Perkins’ must always be referred to as ‘the liar Tony Perkins’ or ‘The Liar Tony Perkins.’

  • Parakeetist

    I am very mad now. I am also angry. I’m madgry.

  • Amelia Resists and Persists

    All I have to say about these people and the hatred they’ve slapped God’s name on: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3db863ad1b51bd2e04396cdd8aa688b8b74f8ccaf988bdac8ec82088748ba586.gif

  • btwbfdimho

    Speaking of Christians, a quote from Frederick the Great, King of Prussia (what a cool guy, IMHO…) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9eff6d52075fdfe1591411e9e3e24a014d2b4370eaf3b99a5749f1321cc7102f.png

    • btwbfdimho
    • Skadi

      Yeah, that’s often what happens when you get raised by a hyper-Calvinist dad who endlessly frets about whether he’s one of the Elect while keeping handy sticks scattered about the house to hit you with…

      • amrak63

        Not to mention that Frederick the Great is said to have preferred his own gender–indeed, he left no children, IIRC.

        So that would give Great Fritz even more disincentive to believe small-o orthodox Christianity.

  • Macbill

    Well, I feel better, now. So many folks want to hate me, so little time…

  • Thorn Spike

    And the occasional woman, on the rare occasion they let one in the room.

    But NEVER in the pulpit.

    • cats530

      Sure they do. After hours. Someone has to dust the pulpit, you know.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        And mop up the spilled host….

  • Daniel Hooper

    So these people are O.K with child molesters in senior positions in their organizations, but not with anything non-heterosexual between consenting adults…
    …Maybe that should be the other way around? Just a thought.

  • ObscurePopCultureReference

    When Jesus is called upon to recognize these “followers” of his:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1f37d8e305b1993802922f5948ca25feee1d8cb03f87cf842710d4ff38571d49.gif

  • Dutchman

    I mean really what’s not to hate? British automotive tech is just the worst and the handling is sub-par at best.

    Wait, what’s that you say? We’re not talking about Jags? Oh, ok, carry on.

  • Dutchman
  • Jesse

    Thank you, Evan. I will, forthwith, be referring to this as ‘The Bucksnort Proclamation.’

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    You know, as we humans continue to shit all into our little aquarium, rendering the thin blue layer of life support of this planet less and less life-supporty, perhaps it is in God’s Plan™ that more and more of us don’t actually reproduce.

    You don’t suppose that all throughout the entire history of every living creature that has ever had the good fortune of managing to have its genes carried on into the next generation, that not a single population ever had to deal with the repercussions of approaching the carrying capacity of their biome, and perhaps worked out some kind of pressure-relief strategy? Like, say, couplings that cannot procreate?

    Nah, it’s probably God’s Big Idea© to endlessly squirt out so many offspring into your evaporating puddle until literally everyone in it dies!

    Maybe your bronze-age book of repurposed mythologies is actually at odds with the very nature that got all of us here?
    Fuck you, anyway, you probably eat shrimp like a common unsquare-headed heretic that wouldn’t even know whether your Good Book called them horns, or halos.

  • James Baskin

    11. Thou shalt not be queer. Or any variation thereof.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      My Book says:

      Thou shalt not be tedious.
      Thou shalt not be of low taste
      Thou shalt cross the earth and the heavens leaving a trail of glittering unicorn
      buttsechs in your wake
      Thou shalt mind thine own fucking business

      • Opiwan

        You forgot the very important Fifth Commandment:
        Thou shalt always remember to season before searing, except for those times that thou forgettest to do so

  • WeaselPoo

    Even if one is a proper Jesus type actual Christian and do good by it IMHO you are still subscribing to magic, which enables these assholes. There is a choice: be a caring human and be informed by reality and reason, or maintain a fundamental fantasy for your own convenience and need to feel special in the universe. Btw .I’m not inviting a discussion by making this statement.

    • Serai 1

      Nice attempt to weasel out of an arbitrary pronouncement there.

      • WeaselPoo

        Just a statement.

    • amrak63

      Your use of the word “choice” assumes that all humans are capable of choosing to be Sturdy Stoics.

      If that were true, would there still be believers?

  • capnkrunch

    https://www.venganza.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/icsmall.jpg

    Also, Intelligent Falling > Intelligent Design.

    • Serai 1

      Glad I’m not a Pastafarian. Their heaven sounds gross.

      • Yellerduck

        They left out the all-you-can-eat pasta bar.

    • TakingAmes

      Wait. There’s only one abortionist?

      • Grumpy Twat

        Well he doesn’t give a number for the fornicators, so….

    • cats530

      Mr. Bulldog Ministries Sign Holder guy looks miffed.

  • clubseal

    So all I have to do to understand this statement is know that God designed man and woman to be how they are, because it’s God’s job to design us that way, but God didn’t design people who are gay? Or maybe God designed men and women to be men and women, but, like any factory, there’s a margin of error? At which point one would wonder, God being omniscient and all, whether people who don’t turn out the way these statement writers claim they should are actually a part of God’s plan after all. I mean, God isn’t in any position to claim ignorance of anything, if I’m understanding his canon correctly.

    • Hardly Ideal

      I really wonder about that sometimes. Being both all-powerful and all-knowing, he must know that he’s setting people up for failure. That sure doesn’t sound like an all-loving god to me.

      • Grumpy Twat

        Just because he’s treating you like shit it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

      • clubseal

        Some gods just want to watch the world burn, I guess. That would make any god more human than one might reckon.

        • Hardly Ideal

          And that’s what I can’t shake about this whole God thing. Like, he sounds like an incredibly petty and overbearing human more than The Great Maker Who’s Hand Shapes What Is.

          Like, look at the stars sometime. Most of the ones you can actually see are far and away larger than our own, and there’s a few out there that are bigger than our entire solar system. And that’s just what we can tell from the patch of the universe we can see.

          And you’re telling me the guy who made all of this- who calls each star in creation by name- can’t be bothered to cure a child’s cancer, but will send a hurricane your way over the proverbial Two Gay Guys?

          • clubseal

            Hey now – we’ve been provided with “thoughts and prayers” and edgy “Fuck Cancer” memorabilia, the rest is up to us!

      • Slamtundra

        He’s omnipresent too. Don’t for get that. It’s fun to point out what you just said to these people and listen to the twisted up logic that allows them to make believe there is any consistency to what they think.

  • Dutchman
    • Hardly Ideal

      Nerd tangent, if I may?

      There’s this game series called Homeworld, about people on a desert planet who find a wrecked starship with a map of the galaxy leading to a point in the middle clearly labeled “Home,” so they build a ship using the salvaged technology to seek it out.

      In the backstory and prequel, there’s the Gaalsien clan, a fundamentalist religious army that had been causing trouble for as long as anyone can remember. It turns out most of their beliefs and laws were based on old rules for survival in a desert that could hit the boiling point of water. Somewhere along the way, those rules got a religious tone to them (thou shalt dig a well thusly, etc.), probably to ensure people followed them. That was all well and good when they were wandering the desert where trying new stuff could get you and your clan killed. But it was the basis for world war when people migrated to the temperate poles and didn’t have to spend all their energy on survival; abandoning the techniques was welcoming blasphemous arrogance.

      I wonder if the same thing happened with the Bible. Back in the day, we had to write down not to eat sketchy shellfish or how babies aren’t made by sex in the butt. But even though we’re living in an age where there’s more to do than be afraid of the sun, people still cling to those rules because God got involved along the way and he’ll be super mad if you don’t listen to every single thing he says.

  • whitroth

    Council on Biblical Manhood? Any of them a day over 200? No? Well, how can they claim that?

    I think it’s time to approach these heretics with Biblically-approved slings and jawbones of an ass (I mean, they *are* all asses, yes?)

  • Jeff Ackerman

    Man created God in his image : intolerant, sexist, homophobic and violent.
    George Weinberg

    • Serai 1

      Man created God in his image : whatever he happens to be at that moment.

    • amrak63

      Yes, too often we talking apes (no, I’m not a creationist) reverse the words of Genesis and create a parody of God in our image, including several of our worst features.

      • Jeff Ackerman

        I’m not religious (that which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence) either, I thought it was a fitting quote.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    I AFFIRM that the world needs more unicorns of the butt-humping variety, because we look so cute when we do sexytime stuff, how could anyone object?

    I DENY that god (assuming there is such a being, which I don’t) could possibly be as narrow-minded, unimaginative, and hateful as the signatories of that statement themselves are.

    • amrak63

      I AFFIRM that He is indeed not the narrow-minded hater the fundagelicals think He is.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    It’s always seemed to this old atheist that people create the god in whom they believe – nice, tolerant people imagine (no offense) a god who values kindness and tolerance, while scared or hateful people imagine a thunderous, pissed-off deity jonesing to punish everyone for nothing.

    That’s why, when these excrescences say their god doesn’t love The Gheys and the BLTs (or anyone else), I believe them…because they, themselves, are such fucking disgustingly pathetic excuses for human beings that any god they create in their hateful little minds is bound to be an asshole.

  • TakingAmes

    Those people (yes, I went there) make me ashamed to share a species with them. Not to mention ashamed at having grown up in the Southern Baptist Church.

    • cats530

      If it’s any comfort, I think it’s gotten more patriarchal (yes, it’s possible), more bigoted (yes, that’s possible too), irrational and militant over the last 25 years (personal observations from a kid attending a Christian school back in the day, knowing some of the kids who were saddled with this belief system and even attending some of their church-sponsored events).

      • harryeagar

        It was always bad but not many people know that in 1973 the Southern Baptist Convention endosred Roe v. Wade.

        You can win a lot of bets with Christian bigots by knowing this.

  • pgjack

    I guess if I gave a teaspoon of rat piss about what these pathetic clowns think their rude statement would bother me more. But since I’ll never get the opportunity to tell any of them what I think of them to their face it’s just another public demonstration of the lunacy of religion that makes me wonder about our referring to ourselves as the intelligent species.

  • cats530

    “But none of that is important, because these are MEN OF GOD. And the
    occasional woman, on the rare occasion they let one in the room.”

    Well, sure. Someone has to distribute the sammiches and clear the men’s plates away after the meal.

    P.S. Are you sure these aren’t the Westboro Baptists? Very similar dogma.

  • 451 Byrnes

    I am so beyond this now. Fuck all you fucking Christians. 150 of your leaders told me I am going to hell for loving and supporting my daughter. Fuck you. Fuck your religion. And fuck you in advance for all your “not all Christians” bullshit responses. Go suck Jesus’s dick. I don’t give even half a flying fuck, you fucking fucktards.

    • Grumpy Twat

      I’m not quite clear where you stand on this issue. Would you care to elucidate?

      • 451 Byrnes

        I was a little worked up after I read this particular article. Basically what I am saying is that the Christian faith is bunch of bozos sitting in self-imposed cages waiting for lions that nobody is setting loose. I think I should open a chicken and cake store that only serves alternate lifestyle clientele.

        • Grumpy Twat

          Oh, I know. I was only joking. You made your point very clear, indeed, and I agree with every single word.

          Could have done with a few more fucks, though;-)

          • 451 Byrnes

            The Firesign Theater said it best: “Fuck those fucking fuckers!”
            -most versatile word in the English language.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I just don’t trust the “We deny that God…” bullshit. One, who are you to tell me what God’s thinking? Two, if God didn’t want us to love cock, he should have made us all lesbians. Three…can’t think of a three except fuck you, you arrogant rat bastards.

  • Lily412

    I had a friend in high school who was very Christian. I reconnected with him years later, and somehow the conversation came around to religion. He told me he is very anti-religion and hasn’t been to church in years. It turned out that he’s gay and his father had suspicions of this when he was a teen. His dad used to make him repent or whatever by standing in anthills, sitting in an ice bath and other horrible things. So essentially, his abuse pushed his son FURTHER AWAY from god. Good job, idiot.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      You didn’t go to high school in Iowa by any chance? Story sounds eerily familiar to a friend of mine…

      • Lily412

        Nah. I’m in the Southeast.

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    My church endorses none of this. If it did, I would leave, same as President Carter did when he renounced his life-long membership in the Southern Baptist church when he tired of its attitude towards women, Yay, President Carter!

    • Yellerduck

      I did not know about that! I’m in good company. It’s this crap that drove me out of the Southern Baptist church, and eventually out of church all together.

    • amrak63

      I recall when the fundagelical community turned their backs on President Carter in 1980, because it turned out he was not their kind of Christian (*cough*Scribes and Pharisees*cough*).

  • Grumpy Twat

    They’re not shy about this affirming and denying malarkey, are they?

    Also, too, wtf is self-conception?

    • Marsupial99

      Ask Steve Bannon. I hear he spends a lot of time trying to do things to himself. Not sure if he got that far, though.

      • Yellerduck

        I don’t know about that. He creates a doppelganger ever time he takes a shit.

    • cats530

      I wondered about that too. But it must be a sin to abort it! I just know it is!

    • amrak63

      As far as I am concerned, it means they can all go fuck themselves. ;)

  • Anna Rompage

    They officialized this pact by circlejerking one another off, and covering Tony Perkins face in all of their jizz

    And yes, the irony was lost on them…

  • Changeling

    I don’t know if some other annoying pedant has pointed this out yet, but the “let he among you without sin cast the first stone” story wasn’t originally in the manuscript, it was added by some later scribe.

    • Skadi

      There’s a theory that it was actually put back after being excised by some early pre-Conservapedia troll.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Well, since i am a LGBT person then HAIL SATAN!

    • amrak63
    • amrak63

      Seriously, I don’t believe that God hates you, nor does He expect you to deny what the random workings of nature made you.

      (But then, I’m not a Southern Baptist, or any variety of Baptist.)

      • Keith Taylor

        I was a variety of Baptist — Tasmanian Baptist — when I was very very young. The local church didn’t preach hate for gay men or women, though, because it never even mentioned that being homosexual is a thing, or acknowledge that sex exists, either. When they had us reading the story of the prodigal son, in Sunday School, and the son’s resentful brother asked Dad why he welcomed the prodigal back, when “He hath devoured thy living with harlots” I innocently asked what a harlot was. No, I wasn’t trying to make trouble, I genuinely had no idea. When the teacher had finished his awkward and evasive explanation, I still had no idea.

  • cats530

    I’m so glad I don’t believe in the white male supremacist’s gawd.

    • amrak63

      I do believe in the Christian God, but I do NOT believe He is any variety of supremacist.

      I believe God understands that the workings of the natural universe, which He has chosen not to micro-manage, sometimes produces talking apes who don’t fit the hetero male or female profile. I do not believe that God will condemn them for being what they are, nor that God will deny them salvation for fulfilling their identities.

      If I thought God were actually the nasty tyrant that the fundagelicals think He is, I would have to start worshipping the Ascended Madoka for real.

  • Sashineb

    Yeah, and what about the sky-high rates of divorces amongst baptists? That kinda kills that “one man and one woman” concept of marriage, doesn’t it??

    • Dinz6315

      One man with one woman.
      And then another woman.
      And then another woman.

  • Nasty Girl Brianna

    Ah yes, the last dying screams of the White Christian Patriarchy.

    Delicious.

    • amrak63

      Good riddance to it. It has no more to do with the actual teachings of Jesus Christ than McDonald’s has to do with sound nutrition.

  • harryeagar

    John Allegro, who was sufficiently qualified to be among the editors of the Dead Sea Scrolls, cited the Gospel of Thomas (one of the gospels that is indisputably as old as the ones that made it onto the Bible but didn’t make it) for its description of a cult in which an acolyte (Jesus) was accepted into the cult by a ritual of eating semen and menstrual blood (with an implication of ritual buggery), which Allegro said was the original of the Transubstantiation of bread and wine into the body and blood of Jesus.

    This upset the Christians so much that his book was withdrawn (though it has since been republished (“The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross”).

    I like to imagine that Allegro was right and when these Baptists get to the Seat of Judgment, they find out that Jesus was a flamin’ queen.

    • amrak63

      While I find Allegro’s ideas amusing rather than threatening, I don’t buy them.

      “Our Fungus, who art in Heaven”? ^__^

      http://i.imgur.com/5awOjpg.gif

      • harryeagar

        The events Allegro proposes could have happened, which you cannot say about the events in the canonical gospels.

  • Nodrama4mama

    This makes me so ill. First off, who the fuck asked for their opinion. 2nd off, really they should all fuck themselves with a ghost pepper sauced cactus covered with fire ants- with votes.

  • Zyxomma

    I subscribe to Faithful America’s newsletter (yes, even though I’m an atheist Jewess), and you can sign their petition condemning the statement. There’s even room to leave a comment. When you get to their page, scroll down; it’s on the bottom right: http://faithfulamerica.org

  • Jon Sussex

    I suggest that anyone put off by this nonsense join me and the other atheists and Jooz at the movies on Sunday morning.

    • sincarne

      I’m cool with attending one of the ever growing number churches that calls this stuff out for the nonsense it is.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    So I just got off work, and am really not up to scrolling through 800+ comments, so this may already have been posted. I’m not a believer myself, but my Mom is. And this is her church –

    http://www.ucc.org/marriage_equality_and_lgbtq_rights

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Well hey, alright!

      • WomanInThePersistence

        I’m proud to say that my Mom was one of the people campaigning for this. I can’t think of a better phrase than “Open and Affirming”.

    • Carole

      UCC is cool. Actually lots of Episcopal churches are welcoming congregations these days. http://www.integrityusa.org/welcoming-congregations

    • I’m not a believer either, but I grew up going to a UCC church. Even back then, they were pretty cool – our church organist/choir director/guy in charge of all things musical was the first openly gay guy I ever knew. The congregation was about 75 years old on average, and none of them were bothered by that, or much of anything else. (having that as my religious upbringing probably made it easier to admit that I just didn’t believe in invisible deities. I didn’t grow up being threatened with hell and damnation for everything. Or for anything.)

      I don’t understand these evangelical fuckers at all. Nothing they say squares with anything I was taught to believe about Christianity.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        My youth minister in UCC was also gay. Not exactly open about it, but not really closeted either. I genuinely credit him with saving my life. When I was in high school, my family fell apart. And I took to skipping from school – I needed the break. He caught me one day, and after a long talk, said he’d support me in that so long as a) I kept my grades up, and b) checked in with him on my days off. I’m no longer a believer, but bless that man.

      • Opiwan

        I had a similar experience. UCC upbringing, now atheist. Our (at the time 50s-ish) Minister of Music was one of the greatest people I ever met, and was blatantly and unapologetically gay. He was loved by the church and the community exactly because he was so joyful and enthusiastic about life. Even though I was already atheist by the time I got married, I wanted to get married in our church not only to salve some family opinions, but also so he could play the organ for us, because it always made me happy to watch him play that instrument like it was an extension of himself. Evangelical fuckers like these baptists can choke on his joy and awesomeness, with votes.

  • amrak63

    Take your stinking paws off my Lord and Savior, YOU DAMNED DIRTY APES!

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Obligatory.

      APES libelz!

  • Bad Scooter

    they seem nice.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    That forgotten Cracker Barrel — does it resemble the scary, charred old gas station in Twin Peaks?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    This is why we can’t have those nice communion wafers we like.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    You know, J.I. Packer’s third name is Fudge.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    I just came across this. Nice.

    https://youtu.be/RfSi3l3upc8

  • amrak63

    I don’t feel like scrolling through over 800 comments to see if someone else already posted this parody of the fundagelical worldview.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hsj3CYVnXo

  • Kooolest G

    hmmmm, why are they called the “southern” baptists and not the “american” baptists or “jesus loving” baptists? oh that’s right it was because in 1845 the “northern” baptists thought slavery was wrong so the “southern” baptists decided to throw a hissy fit and split. remind me again how this makes them the moral authority on other people’s civil rights? it’s cool though, after the charleston shooting the southern baptist convention said that their churches shouldn’t have a confederate flag in front, and it only took them A YEAR after the shooting to decide that.

    • Carole

      Yeah, I just got done re-reading Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Cussed be Caine.

  • NorthernSaber

    Claiming “Hellbound Heathens” as the name of my brand new Swedo-Fennic electro-folk band!

  • If you were unfortunate enough to have been raised in the evangelical world, first of all, we’re sorry about your therapy bills

    Actually, I discovered that leaving home at 18, then gorging on various psychedelics for five years worked pretty well for a neural reboot. I lost five years of my life, but all is well now. Retired, house, garden, no Southern Baptists in the house.

    With a data point of one, I haven’t sufficient evidence for recommending it to other young people in that situation.

    • Carole

      I’m sorry about the five years, but it’s probably better than the alternative of staying in that cult of haters.

      • The five years I spent exploring my synaptic gaps were not unpleasant, just unproductive ☮

  • Vaara Thaumetergist

    Oddly enough I consider myself to be evangelical….and a member of the UCC, (which interestingly enough has a prominent politician in it’s fold that has been frequently been accused of being of a different faith).

    I strongly take issue with the Southern Baptist Conference’s position….which is not even vaguely missionary, unless they are striving to serve someone other than Christ. Even then this appears to be a matter of lip service. I would suggest that they need to consider who Christ came to save, and place an emphasis upon the directions that all Christians were given….in place of giving the Devil it’s due (which seems to go in this case way past the usual anal retention of the SBC). I will admit and apologize that I fall short on following the command to love….perhaps I have done this again and if I have offended anyone, I do apologize.

    I also find myself wondering if the SBC understands the significance of theological statements made in Nashville. The last such flagellation gave rise to the Lane Seminary revolt and far to much came from that hard loving.
    Points to those that can recognize both the first and last sentence trivia. above…and hopefully this mindless declaration will pass without significant combustible gas.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      a) it’s very nice to meet you, welcome! and
      b) scroll down a bit. I posted the UCC’s position on being Open and Affirming. and
      c) yeah, Obama is UCC. I love that.

      • Prolly just disqus bein a biggus disqus

      • Vaara Thaumetergist

        Thanks…you get the point for Obama. I happen to love the UCC and will state that although we do not get all things right—we get at least a few of them more aligned with the original intent. I did see your posting after I made my non-comment.

      • E.A. Blair

        Just using “it’s” when there should be “its”.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          Spellcheck is a cruel mistress.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Your position is logical and theologically sound. Those Nashville signers have no interest in such responses, however, because their pick-and-choose biblicism is done to suit their prejudices, not to discover what their savior or the Bible itself has to say on the matter.

  • Ninja0980

    These godly Christians can kiss my gay ass.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Add my straight ass to the line-up; they can kiss it, too. As the grandfather of a transgender grandchild who is active in her church I hope those bastards eat shit and die of vote indigestion. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Goddamn grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

  • psychobroad

    I can’t get past “covenantal”. Well, maybe I can,(sorry Mom grammar nazi extraordinaire,) fuck you assholes.

  • SeekingCovfefeBarbie

    They are releasing these statements to a populace that is growing less interested and more antagonistic to that hate-affirming point of view. If they didn’t exert a disproportionate amount of political power to make people’s lives miserable we could ignore them. Unfortunately, we must stand up to them, which has the distasteful side effect of allowing them to wallow in self-perceived persecution.

  • dshwa

    They will change their stance, but not because they open their hearts, no; their come to Jesus moment will be their declining numbers and resultant decline in revenue. Just like how they’ve always changed.

  • William
  • Brittany Wilkins

    Please and thank you!

    Dare to read the actual verses of what Jesus commanded his followers to do… not much about trans-folk, a WHOLE lot about love, selflessness, and taking care of those who are ”the least of these”.

    Jesus was able to eat with, drink with, and forgive the man that betrayed him. And these snowflakes can’t accept gay people? SMH

  • If there is a God like these people believe, then He is Evil and should be opposed. If there is no God like these people believe, then they have been led badly astray, and should reject and oppose those beliefs.

    Belief in an evil God is no justification for evil.

  • Run2Live
    • HarpyLibtart

      Hang on, your friends do what with your ‘mistakes’ now?

      • Run2Live

        Who doesn’t like a happy ending?

    • Carole

      Maybe he doesn’t want to say “rub it out.” Here in Chicago, that has a certain mafia connotation.

      • Run2Live

        Not to mention the sexual connotation.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Where was George Rekkers, and that guy with the mega church, who liked meth and male prostitutes?

  • persistently_resistant_gayby

    We affirm that we are the bigliest bigots that wish to drag civilized society back to the 1600s, where we could chop heads for not conforming to the holy union of “one man and his vagina thingey”

  • Southern baptist: wrong about slaves in 1860, wrong about gays in 2017, wrong about Jesus throughout. Beware false prophets we were told. Listen not to those who claim their piety for financial gain. These are the fuckers Jesus warned against

    • harryeagar

      I grew up Catholic surrounded by Southern Baptists. That was unpleasant.

  • virgomusic

    Here’s a point-by-point response from a Christian community of LGBTQ+ folks and allies:

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nadiabolzweber/2017/08/the-denver-statement/

    p.s. I love you, Evan Hurst, just in general, but especially for this:

    “A bit down the road toward Memphis, there’s an exit for “Bucksnort.” There’s nothing there besides a porn shop and a gas station and, we assume, some Trump-voting rednecks hiding in the trees with a Bible in one hand and their dick in the other. Maybe they should call it the Bucksnort Statement.”

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  • City of H8

    I just don’t understand why these devout Xtians aren’t picketing Red Lobster, after all, that’s another one of the “abominations” mentioned in Leviticus, isn’t it? Shellfish is HELL FISH.

  • Arthur Gane

    Lets see if I have this right.
    God created everything according to his/her infallible plan.
    Gods plan is perfect.
    God created everybody.
    God is infallible.
    God created gay people.
    These people object to Gods creation.
    BURN THEM.

  • davej1s

    The more I learn about christians the prouder I am to be atheist.

  • guest1331now

    No doubt this has been commented already, but it bears saying A LOT: these people are so focused on enforcing an (imaginary) ‘biblical sexual morality’ in part because they are anxiously running from biblical morality regarding the poor and economic in/justice. They are all ‘the rich’ and are deep-down really scared about that looming needle’s eye transit.

    Here’s a BIG clue for the seriously biblically minded: Ezekiel 16:49 says the sin of Sodom was not sexual perversions eww!! but economic and social injustice — “She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.” (NIV)

  • Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

    Sigh…I live in a world where something like this exists. Also this…

    rednecks hiding in the trees with a Bible in one hand and their dick manhood in the other. FTFY

  • Darrell Imaginarian

    So you read the Bible, and concluded God hates polygamy. Weird.

  • JParkerSD46

    To the signers of the “Nashville Statement”, I say, come out of the closet. Do not deny your sexuality any longer. Self-loathing is destroying you. Accept who you are. Go forth and love who you choose. People of good conscience will not condemn you. You were born that way, but you have chosen to fight nature. Oh, and also too…fuck you, you fucking fucks.

  • E.A. Blair

    “self-conception”? Isn’t that just a polite term for masturbation?

    • javadavis

      If it isn’t, then it should be.

  • zagnutz2

    Religion sucks.

  • Boscoe

    Ok, so this is pretty weird. As I understand it, about the worst sin you can commit is altering the word of god (…somethingsomething add not one word, nor take one away somethingsomething). Kind of makes you a blasphemer, or a heretic at least!

    Yet, right at the start, they claim that God has ordained marriage as between one man and one woman. Which is completely refutable USING THE BIBLE.

    So, I’d like to AFFIRM that it is my sincere belief that God will employ Liberace and/or Freddie Mercury to operate the lever to the trap door that will open under the feet of all these hate-filled, inbred imbeciles when they show up to the pearly gates. Amen.

    And I’ll ask for the billionth time: If god hates fags so much, why does he make so many of them?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Plz tell me that your belief system also includes Freddie singing “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you!!!” as he pulls the lever. If so, I will buy ALL the books and magazines when you come knocking at my door.

  • mary5920

    As much as I like the suggestion to call this trashy writing the Bucksnort Statement, likely someone from Bucksnort will disavow it straight away.

  • WE AFFIRM cat play clean as country water

    WE DENY cats play wild as mountain dew

  • Actually I think god hates fat people… Have you seen the staircase? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ae4e12da8f4827fcfec1cffdd857e4d53982f2b07394d53fcf819e095197f81b.jpg

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