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Morning Wonketariat! Here’s some of the more important things we may be talking about today that have nothing to do with what Melon Trump was/wasn’t wearing.

Tropical Storm Harvey has made landfall AGAIN, but it’s moved on to Southern Louisiana and Kentucky. WHEN WILL IT END?

People are not happy about Trump’s LOW-ENERGY photo-ops in Texas yesterday that seemed to be more about himself than actually helping draw attention to the people most ravaged by Hurricane Harvey and the rising flood waters. Even though Trump spent more time in the air than showboating in front of cameras, Fox News talking heads are still filling MAGA-branded buckets full of jizz.

In an attempt to appear more empathetic than Donald Trump, Chris Christie doesn’t think politicos should be holding federal aid for hurricane victims hostage. They probably shouldn’t use public office to exact revenge on innocent civilians either, but hindsight’s 20/20.

Thousands of federal workers are descending upon Houston to help coordinate rescue and relief efforts, and that’s on top of the 60,000 workers who already there.

Little Donnie will sit down with the Senate judiciary committee and try to dodge questions about Trump-Russia.

Trump will begin pushing tax reform during a speech in Missouri, but don’t expect him to offer any specifics beyond a couple of overcompensating adjectives.

A federal judge has dismissed Sarah Palin’s lawsuit against the New York Times on the grounds that its stupid and that she’s A Idiot, concluding that political journalism on political figures sometimes hurts feefees.

Putin’s personal congressional puppet, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, says he’s trying to finagle a meeting between Trump and Julian Assange to share super secret info about the 2016 DNC hack, and swap deep state fake news stories about ladies of the night.

Don’t believe the hype: this Trumped-up trickle-down Reaganomics crap about “repatriating” corporate cash stashed in Not America is simply more super-rich brain fuckery.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis has stopped Trump’s military trans-ban until a Pentagon study about trans soldiers is released. So…take your time, no rush.

The Department of Education has picked up an old DeVry University exec, Julian Schmoke, to run its fraud unit. Fox, meet hen house. [h/t PoliticoPro]

Wilbur Ross can’t wait to get his hands on Afghanistan’s buried treasure as this will somehow turn Afghans into independent, freedom loving, ‘burger-chugging Americans. Or at least make Americans rich. Has anyone told the administration what century it is?

DC’s K Street shuffle has brought jobbers and heels to the front of public policy lobbying, and they’re even more greedy and soulless than the jerks they pushed out. [LONGFORM!]

Congressional Trumpkin hopefuls are making life hell in Washington, and most of them haven’t even started running for office.

Trump’s West Wing is getting smaller with many positions remaining purposefully unfilled after staffers and advisers quit/get fired.

A bunch of religious wackos wrote a mean thing about LGBQT people called the “Nashville Statement,” and Nashville’s mayor is not happy they they’ve taken that fine city’s name in vain.

After three years of being called a super rich racist who has ruined and pillaged the city of Chicago and the state, Illinois Gov. Bruce Rauner signed a bill making the lives of trans folks a lot easier. *Golf Clap*

The Illinois State legislature also (FINALLY) passed a budget for Chicago Public Schools pushed by Gov. Rauner that will thoroughly screw over public schools, teachers, and the poor by by further expanding vouchers. Some bargain. Thanks, assholes.

Virginia gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie has picked up a pro-Confederate Trumpkin who used to work for his blatantly racist rival.

EU Commissioner Jean-Claude Juncker won’t sign the UK’s Brexit divorce papers, saying that the current plan isn’t “satisfactory,” and that the UK needs to actually address how it intends to handle trade rather than just saying Ireland is totally cool.

North Korea says it’s aiming for Guam with its next missile tests in response to continued military drills by the US and South Korea; US leadership has responded by silently staring into the abyss, like Trump during an eclipse.

A spambot leaked out 700 million email addresses after spammers forgot to lock down their computers, allowing other hoody-clad fraudsters to just walk right in. Yes, spammers need better security.

Trump’s sketchy friend Felix Sater bought up websites like “IamAFaggot.com” and “Vaginaboy.com” to attack Trump’s haters, but Trump SWEARS on a stack of Russian hotel Bibles covered in hooker pee that he doesn’t know the guy.

Spicey finally got to meet the Pope! There’s nothing mean here; Trump ditched him the last time around, so Spicwer tagged along with a bunch of other religious politicians to visit and chat about egg-laying bunnies, or Jeebus, or whatever those guys talk about.

The unfinished works of Terry Pratchett have been run over with a steamroller, per his wishes, effectively erasing them from history (at least until somebody makes a Terry Pratchett hologram to make that Discworld/Game of Thrones crossover nobody wants). Somewhere, an orangutan weeps in a library.

And here’s your morning Nice Time! EDDIE THE OTTER! He plays sportsball!

We’re supported by readers like you! Send us your monies so we can keep giving you newses, ‘splainerings and fuzzy animal nice times!

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  • Oblios_Cap

    Tropical Storm Harvey has made landfall AGAIN, but it’s moved on to Southern Louisiana and Kentucky. WHEN WILL IT END?

    We’re getting some of the trailing rain bands here in Flor-i-duh.

  • La forza del resistino

    ‘ Comey fired for being a ‘showboat’ and a ‘grandstander’’ – who said this?

  • Parakeetist

    Eddie with the winner at the buzzer! The crowd goes wild!

  • JMP

    How dare those people made homeless by the flooding get the attention that I’m supposed to be getting! I’m supposed to always be the center of attention, always, me, me, me, it’s all about me!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    IT’S A SIGN, SHEEPLE!! http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/christian-home-destroyed-flood-tony-perkins-natural-disasters-gods-punishment-homosexuality-a7196786.html Louisiana floods destroy home of Christian leader who says God sends natural disasters to punish gay people

    • PubOption

      Check the date on that story. This time around Coulter is whinnying about the lesbian former mayor of Houston.
      http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/ann-coulter-harvey-climate-change-god-punishment-more-credible-tweet-a7919301.html

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Rapturus praematurus. Ooops.

    • WeaselPoo

      That was a few months ago.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Remember: God and Santa see your browser history, even if you delete it.

      • Catstro
        • Msgr_MΩment

          “… and you were doing it wrong!!”

        • Serai 1

          Man, I miss the Onion. Those little squibs and pictures are just nothing compared to the stuff they used to put out when people were willing to fucking READ.

          • Catstro

            I feel like Sandy Hook broke it and the 2016 campaign finished it off. Clickhole occasionally makes me laugh until I can’t breathe (referring to Jesus’s human dad as The Virgin Joseph and sugar as “regular sugar or insect sugar?” are popular in our house), but not nearly like old school Onion

          • Serai 1

            Nah, smartphones ruined the Onion. Now they format everything for those fucking tiny screens and the fucking tiny attention spans they create.

    • TakingAmes

      You know, as a Christian, I can’t wish that upon anyone, even someone as morally reprehensible as Tony fucking Perkins. However, I did snicker under my breath at the delicious, delicious irony.

  • MynameisBlarney

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTGCbDHKa5E

    That’s right, you fucking ignorant fucking traitor.
    Prepare thy anus!

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      That will be my new battle cry: Prepare thy anus!

      All this while riding an Ass.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Not my anus! Not my anus! Uranus!

        • MynameisBlarney

          LOL

  • PubOption

    Rauner’s schtick has been mainly to pillage Chicago, but not do much to or for the rest of the state.

  • Carpe Vagenda
    • ltmcdies

      Bill maher is often wrong but he’s dead to right when calls Trump a whiny little pussy

      • Carpe Vagenda

        There are no words.

    • Bright Bart

      studies show ferocious anger can lead to scream shitting.

  • Oblios_Cap

    EU Commissioner Jean-Claude Juncker won’t sign the UK’s Brexit divorce papers, saying that the current plan isn’t “satisfactory,” and that the UK needs to actually address how it intends to handle trade rather than just saying Ireland is totally cool.

    Shooting themselves in the feet might have been satisfying to Brits at the time, but there’s more pain on the way,

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Did Chris Christie happen to mention that he held Sandy funds hostage to use as leverage against Democratic mayors who didn’t support his re-election bid so he could use them as bipartisanship trophies?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      He did mention that he didn’t think Trump is a racist, and that’s why he was so willing to be his designated punching bag and McDonalds fetcher.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        MIsspelled ‘felcher’.

  • In a good read for this morning, Margaret and Helen talk about Trump’s visit. It’s not complimentary.

    • PubOption

      They have style, we should invite them to the Wonket if they don’t visit already.

      • CripesAmighty

        Those ol’ girls got game! How about a weekly “…with Helen and Margaret” thing, Becca?

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg
    • CripesAmighty

      Best opening line of a blog post ever: “Helen, that man is so stupid, if he threw himself on the ground, he’d miss.”

      • bupkus231

        And, unlike Arthur Dent, he wouldn’t have learned how to fly…

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The only thing presidential about his visit was the plane.

      Classic snark.

  • La forza del resistino

    ‘thousands of federal workers descend upon Houston … ‘ – we still have that many?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Trump looked like he got dressed to meet the other seniors for morning coffee down at the McDonalds.

  • Belasaurius
    • Nounverb911

      It evacuated?

      • Painter of Goats

        Beat me by .05 of a second.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Hurricane Harvey: leaving nothing but missouri in its wake.

    • CripesAmighty

      Sold to Sheldon Adelson.

      • TakingAmes

        He can have it.

    • Relativicus

      I’d be angry as hell if I was suddenly an entire state closer to Florida.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Next up!

  • Michael R
    • Bozilingus

      Playing to his base with the ‘White Power’ gang sign.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Isn’t it the Satanic 666 sign?

        • Bozilingus

          Satan doesn’t want the competition.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Texas: “Does this ass make my state look small?”

    • La forza del resistino

      he should have that parasitic entity in his mouth looked at.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      My neighbour’s granddaughter stuck her tongue out at me just like that the other day. She’s two.

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Covflufluh!

    • Cock Blockula

      Hahaha, someone ‘Shopped his hand tiny!

  • Crystalclear12

    As I was driving home last night I figured out what I found so familiar about Trump’s visit to Texas.
    After Joplin got hit I was driving down Rangline in the debris field. I was following a couple on a bike when we stopped at 20th and Rangeline and they got off their bike so they could take a selfie in front of the rubble.

  • FYI PEOPLE!

    Agenda’s will be shorter than usual for the next couple of days. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/81cc6f8a94d1e787e595bf1e2e06c796db20617c462fc7bf132dfd366923a40e.jpg

    • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

      Have fun!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Well, it can’t be an eclipse trip, because you missed that. So I’m guessing you’re going to Hawaii to find Obama’s real birth certificate?

    • From Russia With A Permit

      Right under the word “press” is says I am a Yankee pirate!

    • Robbertjan Brandenburg

      Well thank fuck for that. The longer they got the more depressing they got as well. Happy camping!

    • Serai 1

      Agenda’s what will be shorter? And who is Agenda, anyway?

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Why? Did you pack all the news stories in those bags?

  • lucidamente

    I think the New York Knicks should draft Eddie.

    • Augustus

      I think the US Army should draft Eric

      • Ghenghis McCann

        As my Dad used to say ‘They could use him as a shield for the good soldiers.’

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Considering their current starting 5, why not?

  • Joe Beese

    Serious question: How do Trump people square their fantasy of him as the alpha male of the business world with the whiny little bitch evidenced in his tweets?

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/902885560552960000

    • Augustus

      they are almost completely disconnected from reality

      I mean that, no snark, they really are just hanging on to this plane of existence by a thread

      • MrTusks

        Just like Obama was both impotent and dictatorial, Trump is both powerful and victimized.

        • Augustus

          yep, it’s really a remarkable logical framework, if you can charitably call it that

          immigrants are lazy and criminals but they’re also taking all the jobs

          liberals are snowflakes but also mean and violent

          etc. there are dozens of non-trivial examples

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Yeah, I don’t get it either. I think it’s basically “Trump makes liberals mad; liberals are bad and deserve to be mad; therefore, Trump good.” But even at that, I’m like – isn’t that what Ann Coulter is for? Can’t we have someone competent running the country?

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        Worshippers gonna worship. And hey want their god up on the highest altar in the land. Also too, Coulter can make us mad, but Trump can make us hurt…

      • snigsy

        Heh. I first read that as “someone competent ruining the country.” And I agreed. He’s even incompetent at doing that.

    • Stulexington

      They think alpha male means male attention whore.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Y’know, that’s it exactly.

    • Crystalclear12

      Cognitive dissonance- not just a mental disorder but a life style!

    • Les Appentis De la résistance

      Dying Magazines like the Journal of Mortuary Science?

      • Permit-holder Ron

        They have an excellent if rather macabre crossword.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Needs a “GRRRR” to make it a true work of art.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I got about three lines into the Nashville Statement and lost interest. More faux earnest talibangicals pretending to be SMRT about sexuality because the Bible thinks uteruses and vaginas are only for baby making. It was actually kind of embarrassing. Maybe it got better the more you read it, but I just couldn’t.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/Ozf9DBfaBGT8Q/giphy.gif

    • P’jama Pahnts

      “A Coalition for Biblical Sexuality”

      These guys haven’t read the bible

      • Les Appentis De la résistance

        the Bible really doesn’t have much to say about the purpose of uteri and vaginas. That preoccupation was started by Augustine when he was in his 70’s.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • From Russia With A Permit

      Well, he’s highly unlikely to bring up cock size as a theme.

    • Serai 1

      You do realize the crowds are only a metaphor for what he’s really obsessed about, right?

  • Nounverb911

    New from Melania, flood proof stilettos.
    https://twitter.com/nycjayjay/status/902743480438587392

    • Gayer Than Thou

      TBH I actually kind of want a pair of those. In turquoise.

      • Serai 1

        I laugh thinking how fucking idiotic anyone would look trying to walk in those. And yet there are a hell of a lot of woman who’d wear them if they were on display in a shoe store instead of an art gallery. Hell, there are probably some women trying to buy a pair right now. When it comes to shoes, lunacy is usually the reigning response.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          That said, there is some kind of Aquaman-themed drag that is crying out for those shoes.

          • Serai 1

            Oh, they’re very Priscilla, I’ve got no argument about that.

          • Pilotshark

            the mermaid collect.

  • Sir Pratchett could have just requested that his browser history be cleared…

    • Serai 1

      They were his work, he had the right to dispose of them as he saw fit.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        He’s been around the block a few times. He’d’ve seen what happens when other people ‘finish’ work that someone else started.
        It hurts that there will be no more stories. But sometimes the ones we tell ourselves are the best ones.

    • Regret

      He had a flair for the dramatic and the hilarious.
      This fit both.

  • ariel_gee_398

    I wasn’t watching yesterday, did Trump ask Abbott to stand up for a round of applause?

    • Belasaurius

      well, the internet won’t provide a snarkier moment than this one today. Time to log off

    • Ωbjectifier

      “Look at this crowd, great crowd. Anybody here from out of town?”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Franklin Graham healed him first.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Nah. They’ll congratulate each other when this is over.

      I wish I was kidding.

  • Joe Beese
    • Bill D. Burger

      They better get it up front. ___ Talk is cheap and he’s the cheapest talker around.

      • Belasaurius

        in cash would be better

    • MrTusks

      Begrudging upfist.

      • Joe Beese

        Read the fine print.

        • MrTusks

          [squints] …oh, at 30% interest. That makes sense now.

    • Painter of Goats

      Didn’t even have to look to know this was parody, that’s how sad this loser of a president is in real life.

      • Robbertjan Brandenburg

        You know what gave it away for me? Him calling his wife ‘Mel” affectionately

    • P’jama Pahnts

      Talk is cheap and so is this guy. No one will believe it until the check clears.

      **Edit oh shit didn’t notice it’s a fake**

      • dlemex

        Oh it will be one of those giant checks that he hands out in front of the cameras and then say the real one is in the mail. It’s how he rolls.

    • Augustus

      $1.5 million worth of coupons to the restaurant at Mar-a-Lago doesn’t count, dude

    • puredog

      Be sure to get a receipt, then share it with us, mmkay?
      ETA: “Nicedonaldtrump.” Well, I got trolled.

    • CripesAmighty
    • chicken thief

      I read somewheres that Sandra Bullock really does give a million to aid the big natural disasters – Katrina, Sandy, Harvey, etc. Have no idea if it is really true though or a rumor started by Sandra or her ma.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Why do I find sportsball so boring when humans do it but so entertaining when A Otter does it?

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Otters are cute.

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Yes sir, you may choose one or the otter.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Permit-holder Ron

      Spot on.

  • Nounverb911
    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      “so badly needed!”
      The tax cuts or the speech?

      • Ghenghis McCann

        The leaving.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Well played.

      • PubOption

        We need speechifying done badly.

    • Rick Hill

      Those Harvey reparations aren’t going to fund themselves! Oh, wait….

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Our expectations are very low, Mr. Drumpf. All the same, you likely will fail to meet them.

  • Joe Beese
  • Bill D. Burger
    • Rick Hill

      Gee, I wonder if we can let him see the pain and devastation his policies are producing with average people. Maybe he would have his own Dubbya painting pictures realization of humanity.

      • Serai 1

        He wouldn’t care. All he’d care about is how it makes him look, and since he’s surrounded by ass-suckers who tell him he looks great no matter what he does, he wouldn’t care. Other people don’t really exist to him – he’s the only thing the universe was made for.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        He’s seen it. It makes him smile.

    • Serai 1

      *ahem* It’s not the size of his crowds.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • Pilotshark

      soon to be manufacture in a nice new Chinese sweat shop in once beautiful Wisconsin.

  • P’jama Pahnts

    Good for Spicer!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Seriously yo, where did Melon get a FLOTUS cap from?

    • ariel_gee_398

      Remember how she sued that tabloid and said their implications that she was a sex worker hurt her ability to monetize the position of First Lady? This is a preview of her new line of active and lounge wear.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Honestly, though, if she were a sex worker (and I am not saying she is or ever was, though if “work” isn’t the word for sex with Twitler, I don’t know what is), it could only help her brand at this point.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Couldn’t she get an ‘I’m With Stupid’ tshirt?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I’m sure you can get one on Trump’s website. Probably $33.00 since FLOTUS doesn’t have a penis.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        That’s the first place I checked. Not there. Does FEMA make them?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • MynameisBlarney
  • Bill D. Burger
    • And here I was thinking he was trying to drain the swamp…

      • Swamps are useful, bio diverse ecosystems, the preservation of which is useful in the prevention of hazardous flooding.

        • The term “drain the swamp” – coming from a corporate fat cat intent on environmental destruction, but bilking his followers to thinking this is a good thing just adds to the level of …..

  • President in Exile Firefly

    Saaaay, you know who else ruined and pillaged Chicago?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Mrs. O’Leary’s cow?

    • anon_the_great

      The Spanish Inquisition?

      • Augustus

        that is correct

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Why am I not surprised?

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          I did not expect that.

          • Pilotshark

            no one really does.

    • Nounverb911

      The Daley family?

    • Annie Jomes

      Roxie Hart?

    • Dutchman

      Uno’s Pizza?

    • WIDTAP

      Chicago Cubs until 2016?

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        yeah, and they’re back at it this year.

    • From Russia With A Permit

      SCTV?

    • WIDTAP

      Autobots?

    • Ghandi?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      The Visigoths?

      The Age of Migrations was wilder and woolier than you ever imagined.

    • rocktonsam

      Cubs fans?

      • WIDTAP

        More specifically, the goat?

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Mike Royko.

          • WIDTAP

            Slats Grobnik.

          • Anson Montgomery

            Dan Rostenkowski?

          • TakingAmes

            Mike Ditka? *runs away and covers head*

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            I knew someone was going to bring up Ditka. Do. Not. Mess. With. Ditka. around real Chicagoans. Ditka is God. Period. Full Stop. Now go sit in the corner and contemplate what you’ve done.

    • CripesAmighty

      My Uncle Barney.

    • Finnibar87

      Some freaking bovine lost it when it got mad cow disease.

      Chicago was simpky in the way.

      It was America’s take on ‘Gamera’.

      They go with an amphibian, we prefer a destructive cow, go figure.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Wild onions?

    • Serai 1

      Guy Lombardo?

    • chicken thief

      I’ma go with History’s Greatest Monster, Barry HUSSIEN Nobama and his terrorist friends, Saul Alinsky and Bill Ayers.

    • Querolous

      Herman Webster Mudgett?

    • phoenix00

      The Nashville Predators.

      • President in Exile Firefly

        Damn, that hurts. First time in NHL history a #8 seed swept a #1 seed.

        • phoenix00

          I think the LA Kings did it to the/my Vancouver Canucks a few years back. Equally as painful.

  • Dutchman

    As for me, I’m glad that Spicey got to meet the Pope. Since he was probably one of the very few people on The Gropenfuhrer’s staff during that trip that it meant anything to I felt it was a real dick move for Dolt 45 to exclude him. But then we do understand that he has all of the best dick moves.

    • Serai 1

      Spicey’s own dickishness made me not sad for him at all.

  • La forza del resistino

    Texas residents will be glad to know Donald’s line of $40 USA caps are water resistant.

    • Nounverb911

      But only until they get wet.

    • chicken thief

      They also too have charcoal filtering to eliminate the pee smell.

      • phoenix00

        It’s also for cleaning coal! It’s a multitasker!

  • Bill D. Burger

    ot…Some mirth in the midst of all the tragedy:

    [KKK Hoods & Pee-Proof Sheets Were For Sale At Trump Tower Gift Shop
    TODD FRANKLIN AUGUST 30, 2017

    This week, shoppers at the gift shop in the Manhattan Trump Tower lobby, found KKK Hoods, which were labeled “for fine people”; postcards of Vladimir Putin, which read “45th President of The United States”; postcards of “First Lady Ivanka Trump”; and even some waterproof “pee-proof” rubber bed sheets.

    It turns out that these were not actually items that the gift shop had sourced themselves to sell, but rather a prank of sorts played by two local New York City artists who snuck the merchandise into the store and left it there for customers to stumble across.

    The items were placed within the store on Monday, and it wasn’t until Tuesday morning when journalists from Gothamist tried purchasing one item, that the shopkeeper finally noticed, and ordered the individual to leave the store as they called security.]

    http://ir.net/news/politics/127129/kkk-hoods-pee-proof-sheets-sale-trump-tower-gift-shop/

    https://pbs.twimg.com/card_img/902869493529153537/pObUF9qH?format=jpg&name=600×314

  • Jeffery Campbell

    OMG, that otter! He’s gone grey! There hope for us olds after all!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Water basketball at the senior center – the nice one with a pool – Wednesdays at 10:00 a.m.!

  • Nounverb911
    • Brendan_M

      I still can’t believe Vincente Fox, of all people, spends his days dunking on the so-called American president on Twitter, and doing so very effectively. It wasn’t that long ago he was just a terrible Mexican version of George Bush Jr..

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Some people gain wisdom as they age. Well, some people whose initials aren’t DJT do.

        • Brendan_M

          Also, Donald Trump is so terrible that even other horrible people often think he’s gross AF.

      • grindstone

        It galls me a bit that I’m rabidly cheering on one of the capitalist-at-all–cost conservatives that I used to battle, but….damn, man, keep on being glorious!

        (“Dunking on”…..Brendan, that visual was perfection. Mmwah!)

  • Ronald Reagan: “The most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'”

    Ronald Reagan was an idiot.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Correction: “I’m from Robert Mueller’s office. Here is subpoena, lolz!”

    • Serai 1

      Worse yet, he dragged the country into his idiocy.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Putin’s personal congressional puppet jizzrag, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, (D-Putin’s taint)

    FTFY

  • rocktonsam

    “Thank you Mr President and lady stiletto for taking our minds off our problems in Texas. ” regards, nobody in texas.

  • jodyleek

    Eddie the Otter is adorable and I love sea otters. I found out this past weekend though that sea otters are pervs! True story! I was at the zoo with my son and we were standing at the sea otter exhibit, a large outdoor aquarium with three otters. They were doing their usual adorable stuff like “washing” their sweet little faces with their paws which is so cute I can’t even! Anyhoo, one of the sea otters was at the back of the exhibit and was curled into a circle and spinning round and round. I’m sure sea otters in captivity get bored and a bit kooky and perseverate on certain behaviors, so I chalked it up to that. Then I noticed he was biting on something. Something pink. Zoinks! I didn’t say anything about it to my son, but a few seconds later, this same otter swims up to the floor-to-ceiling glass of the tank, in front of my son and me, looks right at us with his tail curled up to his face. Like a fleshy jack knife, out pops his bright pink dingle-doo and he grabs it with his paw and, I shit you not, gives it a few gentle chomps with his back teeth! Wha?!?!?! I’m a psychologist/biologist/teacher according to my diplomas, but that had me laughing like an idiot school girl. So, when I got home I researched these little darlings and it turns out this is not unusual behavior and actually, those darling sea otters are sexual sadists. Males have been known to kidnap seal pups in their range and use them as sex toys to the point that it kills the seal pup. They also hang with the dead seal pup for days afterwards, using it to fulfill their dirty necrophiliac fantasies! Oh my. Despite their “idiosyncrasies”, I still like sea otters more than most people I know.

    • I liked them more when I only knew they carried rocks on their bellies to bash open shellfish 🦐

      • Serai 1

        Keep in mind there’s no such thing as “cute” in nature.

        • Regret

          That is very well put.

    • Serai 1

      Sounds a lot like dolphins and their habit of gang-rape. People do tend to misjudge animals completely based only on whether they’re “cute” or not. It’s the key to serial killers’ success, you know.

    • suziq

      Steve Bannon is part sea otter???

  • dslindc

    That geriatric otter is better at sportsball than I am, tbh.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    There is some good news;

    Sky stops broadcasting Fox News in UK

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-41087659
    As they were getting 2000 average daily viewers, I doubt many people in the UK have noticed.

    • WIDTAP

      “Good”? Well, perhaps in an immediate sense, but the long game here is that that shutting down Fox in the UK helps clear the way for Rupert Murdoch to take over Sky News. So six one one, half-dozen of the other.

  • ariel_gee_398

    Watching that video I can’t help but notice that Eddie has better access to health care than about 75% of Americans. I certainly don’t begrudge an otter his physical therapy, but christ…

    • Canned Covfefe

      Good point. *sighs*

    • VirginiaWackelpudding

      Thank dog there’s no such thing as otter Celebrex. That crap can eat your digestive system. Opium laced herring is the way to go here. Mmmm, smoked herring……

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Oh, he’s just being fair. I’m sure he probably wrote about how the Benghazi and Clinton email hearings should be curbed to avoid overreach and the appearance of partisanship. Also? I have a nice highway in Houston going cheap. You can Paypal me the money.

  • Ms.Moon

    Trump really is Very Tacky People. I don’t consider myself classist but I do find myself agreeing with New York High Society in this case, this man has no class, none, zip, zero. I don’t think there is a particular type of protocol for a president visiting a natural disaster but I would think he’d visit with the Mayor/Governor/Senate representative visit a shelter or talk about the work that was being done. This was all the Donald Show, classless, tacky, crass. The people of Texas deserve better.

    • Finnibar87

      When you’re famous they let you do it.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Or met a few of the actual victims, tried to reassure people that they would be helped, send a message that he cared about something other than the greatness of his corpulent ass.

      • Ms.Moon

        It is pretty well known that Trump is a germaphobe poor people cooties might rub off.

    • miss_grundy

      He should have taken a page out of LBJ’s book on how to visit an emergency shelter. When LBJ visited New Orleans after a hurricane in ’65, he was taken to a shelter that lacked electricity and drinkable water. He took a flashlight from an emergency worker and shined it on his face and told the people: “I am your President and I am here to help.”

      • Ms.Moon

        LBJ had actual class. Trump would never in 10,000 years say he’s going to help with anything, with what is vast knowledge of swindling, refusing to pay his bills and cheating on women I’m sure all those gifts would come in handy with all the hurricane disaster all around. Civility, empathy or any type of genuine human emotion is totally beyond Trump it’s best he not try to fake it either because he’s not that good an actor.

  • Les Appentis De la résistance

    They can always repatriot all that stranded corporate cash by money laundering it through real estate deals. Donnie can tell them how its done.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      PUTIN can tell them how it’s done. Donnie can just nod and smile like he did for his Russkie pals.

      • suziq

        Donnie still doesn’t get it, he thinks all those Russians just love his stupid condos and the fact that they overpay for them just shows that they aren’t too smart. Like he is.

  • Andrea “Chris” Johnson

    My heart just hurt again for Sir Terry

    • Kateaux

      As did mine. But I have to believe that all of those books, as well as the ones he never had a chance to start, exist out there somewhere in L-space.

      Also, fuck Alzheimer’s and all other forms of dementia.

    • I teared up at work. Stupid News making me sad

    • Regret

      Same here.

  • VirginiaWackelpudding

    Mr. Gillespie picked the wrong time to run as a pro-southern man in Virginia. Many of us still feel revolted and sad over the C Town terrorist attacks. Reminding us isn’t a good idea.

  • chicken thief

    That judge, Judge Rakoff, is a commie Clinton appointee!!!! Poor Bible Spice never had a chance! Not only was he appointed by Monica’s fav boi toy, he went to Harvard and his brother teaches there. And you know who else went to Harvard? – that’s right, HILLARY CLINTON!!! Ergo ipso in facto because Latin, bitches, the Judge is in on the pedophile sex slave trafficking out of the pizza parlor.

    Yet Nobama let him continue to sit on the bench….

    • chicken thief

      Oh oh OH!!! Also too, the judge is banned from Russia which proves he is a commie soshulist Natzi!!!

      • rumsey

        And his favorite hobby is ballroom dancing.

  • Mormos

    HEY! Don’t call me a burger chugger. I haven’t chugged a burger since, like, Monday at least.

  • Wes

    Can we have an “Otter-a-Day Keeps the Gloomies Away” segment?

  • Lefty Wright

    Regarding the repatriation of cash stashed by US companies overseas, one notable proponent of repeating the 2004 fiasco that created no new jobs and did not increase most people’s incomes claimed that it did, in fact, work. That money was not stuffed in mattresses! No, it wasn’t, most of it was stuffed in the pockets of the corporations and wealthy people. It went to executive bonuses, stock buy backs to increase stock prices, funded mergers and buyouts of competitors, typically raising prices for consumers to cover even more corporate debt, and higher one time dividends to stock holders. Unfortunately, most Americans are not big time stockholders and the bonuses only went to top level execs, who did nothing to earn them except pay off politicians.

    Guess who this proponent of another huge tax break to corporations was? Tim Worstall, the same one who came out recently advocating repeal of any price gouging laws in national disasters. He claims unlimited price hikes are the most effective method of allocating scarce resources in times of calamity. I think we may see a future for him in the Trump administration as another in a long line of ethically and morally impaired staff.

    https://www.forbes.com/sites/timworstall/2017/01/02/the-2004-corporate-repatriation-tax-amnesty-worked-no-reason-why-trumps-repeat-wont/#49d6493a4a31

    http://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-hiltzik-price-gouging-harvey-20170828-story.html

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I am waiting to hear horror stories about FEMA inspectors. Here is mine. First FEMA inspector who called me about my flooded house after Katrina asked me what I intended to do with the house, live in it or sell it? I said I was going to sell it. He then said “I might be interested in buying it.” There are 2 things about that statement that are just wrong. First, it immediately shifted the power politics – would he give me a bigger FEMA settlement if I sold it to him, or give me a lower one if I didn’t? Second, it was illegal. I was furious. I thought about it for a few hours and then I called the FBI hot line and reported him. FBI guy was very helpful, very interested, seemed as disgusted as I was, and we had a long talk. Two days later FBI guy called me back, said “That guy has been transferred, you will get a call from a new FEMA inspector.”

    And by golly, I did the next day. New FEMA guy was very professional, and I asked him “What happened to the other guy who called me first?” New FEMA guy said “He was transferred to the Houston Convention Center”. Well, that was the Pit-of-Hell assignment for FEMA inspectors at the time. Goody. You see, the system can sometimes work if you are assertive. New FEMA guy met me at my house and was very cool and reserved, but I realized afterwards that he was doing everything he possibly could to increase my settlement. For example, there were 20 or so large binders full of the class materials for various I.T. classes I had attended, and lots of books about computer software, and he noticed this even though they were all in a big wet moldy pile on the floor, and he asked about them. I told him they were books related to my job in I.T.. You get more money if you lost materials related to your job, which I did not know, but he did. So there are good FEMA inspectors, and bad ones.

  • bookish

    Sweet Eddie. What a love.

  • Panika MCD

    it’s Molly Ivins b-day! I will post a bunch of orgs to donate to.

    Texas Wonks not affected and wanting to help:

    they need interpreters at the Red Cross shelters for Spanish, Indian subcontinent languages, Arabic, other Middle Eastern languages and, probably, Chinese and Vietnamese.

    • M.E. Lawrence

      “Some days, I’d feel better with Punxsutawney Phil in the Oval Office – at least he doesn’t lie about the weather.”

  • Zyxomma

    Eddie is otterly adorable.

  • Panika MCD

    and, I don’t know what the fuck Hilton points are, I assume they’re like flight miles. however, if you have them, you can donate them to those evacuated:

    http://newsroom.hilton.com/index.cfm/news/an-update-on-hiltons-hurricane-harvey-relief-efforts

  • Bitter Scribe

    Remember when that devastating wit Ronald Reagan said (and said, and said, and said), “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help'”? I’m sure the Harvey victims are quaking in their soaked boots by now.

  • Invidosa

    Aww Eddie!! I love morning nice time! We need more Eddie’s in these dark times

  • Spurning Beer

    “Does this windbreaker make my butt look presidential?”

  • Regret

    Reading about Pterry keeps making me sad.

  • M.E. Lawrence

    How do some rich people get so damned clueless? Is it genetics? Lack of adequate intelligence? A: Am going to interact with extreme weather and people who have lost homes. B: Wear irrational shoes and clothing suitable for the golf course? C: Yes, of course, I want to bring visual happiness to their squalid existence.

    (Speaking of intelligence, however did we manage to snag BHO for 8 years? That man was a terrific Consoler-in-Chief: https://www.instagram.com/petesouza/)

    • phoenix00

      Because they’ve paid others to have a clue for them.

  • phoenix00

    Hey Spicey Spice: you’ve got SOME EXPLANIN’ to do about those repeated violations of the 9th Commandment.

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