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According to recent reports, new chief of staff John Kelly has been trying to limit Donald Trump’s consumption of conspiracy theorist media — including sites like Got News and Infowars. Unfortunately, this means that our president is unlikely to launch an official investigation into Alex Jones’s latest masterpiece of crankery — an 11-minute-long video about how Michelle Obama has a secret penis or something.

Well — sort of! The first two-and-a-half minutes are actually a bizarre and terrifying opening sequence that definitely looks exactly like something from a low budget dystopian science fiction movie, and then there are three more minutes of that crap at the end. But the middle is certainly something to behold, if you can get through it.

Now, Jones — as he is prone to do — is claiming that he is not FOR DEFINITE saying that Michelle Obama has a penis, just that “people” are claiming this and their video “evidence” of this (a video of Michelle Obama adjusting her pants) is being deleted en masse from YouTube. Also, he is just NOTING some of the evidence that points towards how this is definitely true.

For those of you that don’t want to watch the video, here is said evidence:

1) Joan Rivers, a comedian, said so once! AND THEN SHE DIED.
2) Sometimes Michelle Obama’s clothes poof out at the crotch. Which is a thing that happens with clothes sometimes, no penis needed. Wait until Jones sees a woman in a peplum skirt, his very mind will be blown.
3) One time it sounded like Barack Obama called her MICHAEL, and then another time, he went to say “my wife” and then said “Michelle,” but Alex Jones is PRETTY SURE he meant to say “Michael.
4) She has, he claims, “man hands.”
5) A new clip, in which she is adjusting some baggy-ish pants with a long crotch, and in which he claims he sees a penis the size of a cucumber. He repeatedly slows this down in hopes of trying to get people to “see” it, despite the fact that there is definitely not a penis there, just some weirdly fitting pants. I mean, do you have any idea how big a flaccid penis would have to be in order for it to show through pants like that? That is not even possible. Also I have worn pants like that — that is just what they look like.

First of all, there is no such thing as “man hands” — that is a stupid thing to say to begin with. Second, here is a picture of my VERY OWN HANDS from the time I did a review of Sally Hansen’s peel-off base coat (which by the way is garbage):

I, much like Michelle Obama, have very long fingers! In fact, my hands tend to be bigger than a lot of cis men’s hands. Crazy, I know, but it was pretty convenient for when I was playing guitar. Man hands are not a thing, outside of being hands that literally belong to a man.

Just to cover all of our bases here, let’s go over how vast and deep this conspiracy would have to be.

Here is a picture of Michelle Obama, as a baby, with a freaking bow on her head.

Here is a picture of her as a toddler.

So, basically, if we were to go by the Alex Jones version of things, Michelle Obama’s parents secretly also named her Michael, because she was a boy, but they dressed her as a girl, because they knew that one day she would meet a certain Kenyan man who was predestined to become the President of the United States, who would be gay, but also totally unable to just be a gay man (because he was going to be president). Also his parents planned ahead for this as well, by somehow controlling the way Hawaii does birth certificates. It is a conspiracy 50 years in the making. Why? Not sure!

Also, despite the fact that they are very rich people, Michelle has never had gender-corrective surgery? Also, despite living as a woman with a large penis for her entire life, never learned to tuck?

Ah yes! That could have happened. Also, everything Joan Rivers, a comedian, ever said in her whole life was literally and factually true. And she was murdered by the Obamas for saying that. Somehow, none of the other people saying that — and being totally serious about it, including Alex Jones, were not murdered.

What is it that he thinks the purpose of this vast conspiracy would even be? Like, even if Michelle Obama had been born with a penis, what nefarious thing is it that he thinks it would mean? What is the big conspiracy here? What would the goal even be? That seems like a ridiculous amount effort for results I can’t imagine anyone could possibly understand.

Jones says he simply wants people to understand that not everything they are “told” is the truth. His viewers may want to take that into consideration themselves.

[Infowars]

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  • wait! what?

    The remote is pointing AWAY from the TV! Fake staged hand photo!

    • PubOption

      Also, male tears are not coffee-colored.

  • kareemachan

    Alex, go back to tweaking your nipples and STFU.

  • kaydenpat

    Let’s please not give any credence to these sexist, racist claims about FLOTUS. It’s ok to laugh and point but that should be about it. We’re not required to disprove ludicrous claims by racists.

  • Scooby

    My dinghy is bigger than your whole boat!
    -Barack Obama to Trump

  • Steve Cole

    I would never mistake Michelle Obama or Alex Jones as men.

  • kaydenpat

    That photo of Michelle’s family is lovely. Good looking folks. Her Dad looks like a close friend of mine.

    • onedollarjuana

      And they have that sort of shell-shocked look that a lot of parents of little kids have.

      • kaydenpat

        Lol!!

  • DesertedPictures

    Did Jones make this up or was this an actual Obama-conspiracy-theory?

    (If so: how lame. At least Clinton got to murder some people. A trans in the closet… wouldn’t even be illegal!)

    • Persistent Tennessee Rain

      That theory has been floating around for years. There are numerous YouTube videos “proving” Michelle has a dick.

  • aureolaborealis

    I initially read the hed as “… is hiding her secret penis IN him,” and I thought perhaps he was oversharing with his rich fantasy life … again.

    • DesertedPictures

      And now I wonder to whom the penis inside Alex Jones belongs…

      • aureolaborealis

        Ask not for whom the penis tolls; it tolls for thee.

        • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

          Please?

        • PubOption

          The deed is Donne.

  • CutterTeam

    I see Vince Foster’s penis as somehow being key to all of this.

    • wait! what?

      Both of them.

      • Beowoof14

        Well according to Alex one them was Hillary’s

  • bookish

    http://nbcnews.to/2xyIsQP

    We cannot allow this nation to forget that Charlottesville was not the first time white supremacists have openly-carried firearms to strike fear into the hearts of those they openly detest. Back in the days of Reconstruction, racist terrorist organizations used guns to terrorize — members of the Ku Klux Klan and the White Camilla, another hate group, were notorious for openly-carrying their firearms around freedman bureaus, African-American churches and even schools.

    Since the death of my friend Clementa Pickney and eight others at Mother Emanuel, I have dedicated my time to volunteering with the Mississippi chapter of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America. I was shocked to learn that in most states, it is legal for people to openly-carry loaded, semi-automatic rifles in public. Most states don’t explicitly prohibit open carry, so, because the law is silent, open carry is legal. This is what we call the “open carry loophole.”

    Even though law enforcement has repeatedly opposed civilians openly-carrying guns in public – and this weekend, we witnessed firsthand why – it is legal in 45 states for civilians to openly-carry semi-automatic rifles in public. Forty-one of those states allow a person to openly-carry a semi-automatic rifle in public without a permit or safety training.

  • Edith Prickly

    Damn right man hands are not a thing. The best FLOTUS ever has large hands because she is a taller than average woman. No mystery there. But Alex has to feed his audience of paranoid shut-ins regular doses of pure nuttery to keep them tuning in.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      What does this say about Donald and his short fingers?

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        That he’s a vulgarian.

      • onedollarjuana

        I guess he’s a woman. An ugly woman.

      • cmd resistor

        His hands really are abnormally small and that is not fake news.

    • kareemachan

      I also have large hands and long fingers. Comes in very handy when I play the piano.

      • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

        Or in my case, the viola.

        • weejee

          Or in my case the ukulele er mandolin uh guitar.

  • Bobathonic

    So pussy man wants to see dick lady?

  • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

    Oh, that’s why my pants (when I wear them) poof out for more than four hours.

  • bookish

    And yet somehow, miraculously, she managed to give birth to two children.

    • DesertedPictures

      That’s not so hard: have you never seen that Schwarzenegger movie?

    • Thiazin Red

      Two children who strongly resemble both their parents.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Casting those roles must have taken forever.

        • schmannity

          Crisis actor kids!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    When this country returns to sanity, the men in the white coats will escort Alex Jones to the funny farm for his own safety.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      Where life is beautiful all the time.

      • aureolaborealis

        There will be rabbits, Alex.

        (I imagine Daniel Day Lewis delivering this line, bowling pin in hand.)

      • SpideySenser

        “And they’re coming to take me away ha-haaa
        They’re coming to take me away ha-haaa ho-ho hee-hee
        To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time
        And I’ll be happy to see those nice young men
        In their clean white coats
        And they’re coming to take me away
        To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds
        And basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
        And they’re coming to take me away ha-haaa!”*
        *Napolean XIV, 1966

        • OddMan

          I had that 45, the flip side was the same song backwards.

          • SpideySenser

            How could you tell the difference?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      “Returns????”

      Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence!

  • memzilla Ω

    I would rather use a melonballer on my eyeballs than watch an Alex Jones video.

    • wait! what?
    • 🛶🗣️ Mr Canoehead 🛶🗣️

      I’d like to use a melon baller on his [REDACTED]…with votes, of course.

  • Beowoof14

    Oh well Alex being so interested in penis is not surprising. His repression of his true self is coming out in very unusual ways.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    It seems plausible that a black couple in the 60s would anticipate that their son/daughter would eventually marry the President of the United States.

    • PhilOiseaubay

      I heard they’re Manchurian immigrants… from the black neighborhood there.

  • schmannity

    Alex Jones envies penises of people who don’t even have penises.

  • Thiazin Red

    Her hands are lovely.

    Peplums are a god damned scourge that should be stricken from existence.

    No one looks good in drop crotch pants, which are also a scourge that should be stricken from existence.

    I’m pretty sure every cis woman has experienced poltercock from pants that fit poorly in the crotch.

    The takeaway is that we’ve all learned more about what Alex Jones fantasizes about than we every wanted to.

    • Cousin Itt un Mondialiste

      “poltercock” This is unknown to me. Is it like having a malevolent ghost in your panties?

      • Thiazin Red

        When you wear pants that don’t fit well in the crotch and bulge out making it look like you have a penis when you do not. Like a ghost dick.

  • Red Bird

    Has anyone ever heard of a newspaper called The Epoch Times? It is run by a Chinese group called the Fulan Guan. The English version is very pro Trump. I read a print copy today. Strange, but if I didn’t read any other news source I would think Trump was very popular.

    • Wild Cat

      They’re all over NYC. A mega cult. “Anti-communists.” Their newspaper of propaganda is free, and there’s nothing sadder than seeing a schizophrenic older American in the Port Authority or subways trying to convert people to their cult.

      • Red Bird

        Ok. That makes sense now. Today’s paper says that anti fascists are actually communists. And Trump is not a white supremacist. I guess they want to use the US to fight their battles in China.

    • P’jama Pahnts

      People who only get conservative news don’t seem to be aware of the all the shit going on. My neighbor loves her some Trump and she had never seen the “grab’em by the pussy” video. She was floored when I showed it to her.

  • Iron Monkey

    The first lady is as close to perfection as a person can be and Alex Jones is as far from
    human as a partially evolved bidped can be.

    • laughingnome

      Evolved?

  • CutterTeam

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4c0bae35e02e647a28021456fd3aea9eec39e1ae07f2df86554ec1d158d6bc67.jpg

    And don’t forget Mrs. Obama’s vegetable fetish. It’s all falling into place now. . .

  • And then there’s the time Trump claimed to have given Michelle a BJ.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8ebb69b4084807a27afad536216913a8db98b7e11ae727513f1238d75bb02dc0.jpg

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    If those are man hands, I’m the next Mr Olympia FFS…

    http://www.sharegif.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/fuck-you-gifmiddle-finger-gif.gif

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Needz moar flair.

  • DesertedPictures

    I get where he gets confused with her hands; he compares those to the presidents… and they are so much smaller. A mere woman can’t have bigger hands than the most manly if man: the president!

  • weejee
  • pgjack

    The saddest thing is that there are people out there who believe grifters (or idiots) like Jones and one of them occasionally sits in the Oval Office and plays at being President of the US.

  • aureolaborealis

    I would have never guessed you were a man, Robyn, but you’ve made a bomb-proof case.

    • grindstone

      Fat, angry, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

  • chazmanr

    “Here is a picture of Michelle Obama, as a baby, with a freaking bow on her head.”

    And the woman (?) holding her looks an awful lot like Michelle Obama does today (really, they could be f’ing twins or possibly related somehow). Odd that a man would be a doppelganger for an unrelated woman.
    /s

    • DesertedPictures

      The woman is Michelle herself of course: and everything is photoshopped. It is just like the moon landing!

      • chazmanr

        Sorry, I forgot to hit myself betwixt the eyes with a ball peen hammer before formulating my thoughts. Now I get it. But damn does my head hurt.

        • DesertedPictures

          Classic mistake: its lije commenting while sober: dumb idea…

      • wait! what?

        How can a photo of her as a child exist if she’s an adult?!1!

        • chazmanr

          Time travel. Remember. Obama owns a time machine that he used to change the birth announcements in old newspapers.

          • DesertedPictures

            Can’t he use it again to warn Hillary that she needs to campaign more in a couple of ‘we almost won’ states?

          • chazmanr

            Clearly Hillary is not a part of the Illuminati and not one chosen to lead the new world order, so he doesn’t want to waste the petrol.

          • DesertedPictures

            Obviously!

        • DesertedPictures

          The child is made with cgi of course!

      • Weird Fishes

        So what you’re really telling me is that MO is really a fake moon baby.

        Yesss….it all makes sense now.

      • Last Hussar

        Time travel

  • Iron Monkey

    This is about Alex Jones’ fantasy live, about which I need to know nothing.

  • Wild Cat

    So essentially mentally ill Alex Jones is projecting his own dismal view of his own dismal manhood and his secret wish to undergo a sex change at this late stage of life onto an entity he somehow feels superior to as a racist and misogynist, but falls several fathoms short of that person in reality.
    America 2017. Where Madness Reigns.

  • proudgrampa

    Methinks he doth protesteth too much.

    And for the record, you have lovely hands, Robyn.

  • aureolaborealis

    Pro-life-tip: If you find yourself obsessively thinking about an attractive woman having a penis, masturbating furiously will usually help you settle down and get on with your day.

    • Last Hussar

      You too?

  • In addition to their parents conspiring some 50 years in advance, you’d also have the doctors involved in Sasha and Malia’s birth plus their actual birth mothers, nurses, orderlies, record keepers fudging the birth certificates, all of whom have managed to somehow keep quiet for years.

    People are fucking stupid, man. Just fucking stupid.

    • therblig

      if you don’t have the guts to go all the way down the rabbit hole, you’ll never find out the truth – that Alice is Alex!

    • jesterpunk

      Government is broken and can’t do anything right.

      Government plots these false flags to take your guns involving hundreds of people who somehow never admit its all fake.

      Pick one

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Government is broken and can’t do anything right because so much time and money is spent nailing down these pointless decades-long conspiracies involving hundreds of people.

        • BrianW

          SHHHHH! The wingnuts don’t need any help coming up with dumb ideas.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Hillary stole the kids from Haiti for them.

  • Thiazin Red

    I seem to recall there being the same kinds of stories about Hillary Clinton.

    • altleftjohn

      She was a lesbian with a penis wasn’t she?

      • Wild Cat

        I was told by a younger person in NJ, a female, that she was a lesbian who had an affair with Vince Foster.
        This person was allowed by society to shit out two children, too.

        • aureolaborealis

          This person was allowed by society to shit out two children, too.

          And vote!

          • Wild Cat

            Yup. They’re all old enough to vote now. Mommy, Daddy, Sister, Brother. And being strong, paranoid Zionists, I’m sure they all voted for the nazi.

  • CutterTeam

    Sorry, libs. But one Michelle Obama anagram is I BE ME ALL MACHO. She’s been trying to tell us all along.

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    Yeah, just check out the package on this dude!!!! Alex is lucky he’s never in arm’s length from Barry O’bamz. Or me, for that matter. Fucking classless money hungry twunt, that Jones guy. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/150f4fec1f2bbd4f4c079cf6a0364a5152a8b80a6a14f57302d6fe7ac3559fd4.jpg

  • aureolaborealis

    The silly goose. He thinks that because she’s ten times the man he is, she is therefore a man.

  • Like, even if Michelle Obama had been born with a penis, what nefarious thing is it that he thinks it would mean?

    We had a traditional nuclear black family occupying the White House that had a seemingly strong, solid marriage built on mutual respect and love who also happened to be liberal Democrats and practicing Christians.

    The party of family values put up a twice divorced pussy-grabbing asshole with a history of infidelity, sexual harassment, and misogyny.

    They are trying desperately to muddy the waters because the Obama’s do not fit their preferred narrative of the GOP as the party of traditional values and Jesus and the Democrats as the party of degenerates and low-lifes.

    • GoutMachine

      But! But! BLAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

  • BadKitty904

    OT: MAP: How Much Climate Change Will Cost Each U.S. County
    http://www.governing.com/topics/transportation-infrastructure/gov-counties-climate-change-damages-economic-effects-map.html

    A study published in the journal “Science” in June is the most extensive model available of what climate change could cost the United States, county by county. The study is the first of its kind, linking climate projections with economic effects like mortality, labor productivity, energy demand, and crop yields.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Give him a break! Do you know how hard it is to continually come up with new conspiracy theories? However, I do think that Michelle could pretty much pound the shit out of him if she wanted to. I can’t believe he would last a single round….

    • GoutMachine

      I dunno, I assume the vast amounts of drugs he takes help …

  • WomanInThePersistence

    God, I miss the Obamas. And here is a happy time Michelle video. Because Alex Jones should not even be mentioned in the same sentence as her.

    https://youtu.be/ln3wAdRAim4

    • weighmaster

      Thank you, this made me smile.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Alex Jones regularly gives policy advice to the idiot-in-chief. That should be sufficient to discredit both of them, but somehow they each manage to have a following.

  • Mavenmaven

    According to this logic, if we are judging hands, is Trump really a woman?

  • P’jama Pahnts

    OK but can we agree that we are fighting for her right to have a penis?

    • laughingnome

      I think she gets enough penis. If you know what I mean.

    • CutterTeam

      First, they came for the schlongs. But I was not a schlong. . .

      • MynameisBlarney

        Then they came for scrote sacks…

  • BadKitty904

    If Alex Jones had a penis, perhaps he’d shut up.

  • laughingnome

    Dick breath says what?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Ya know in cartoons when someone gets hit in the head and there are stars or birdies flying around the head? I imagine conservatives have little penises flying around their heads.

    • MynameisBlarney

      No, they have yuuuuge penii flying around their heads.

  • TundraGrifter

    I would just like to say, Robyn, you have beautiful hands. Well, a beautiful hand, anyway. But I’m guessing the other one looks just as good.

    Clever how you found a way to show them (ok, it, but them in a general sense) to the world in this article.

    • laughingnome

      Let’s giver her as hand!

    • SadDemInTex

      I was thinking the same thing. I have the short stubby finger look…useful but not elegant.

      • TundraGrifter

        I don’t have big hands but I do have long fingers. You know what they say about men with long fingers – “It can be a bitch to buy a pair of gloves.”

    • MynameisBlarney

      I was once told I had tiny wrists, by a woman that was putting a wristband on me at a club.
      I tried to think of a witty reply, but I just shrugged and walked in.

      • Historicat

        Yer doin it wrong. You were supposed to blame her emasculation of you for your hatred of feminism and the oppression of women.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Damn!
          I’ll never be an MRA or whatever now!

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      Those hands type out some promo snark. Thanks Ms. P.

  • Mavenmaven

    Dr Freud (and Lacan!) would have some things to say about Alex Jones’ obsessive search for a phantom phallus on a woman.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Ya…
      He wants, NAY! NEEDS him some BBC lovins.

    • laughingnome

      In Search of the Phantom Phallus is one of the better Star Trek porn parodies

  • laughingnome

    Jones has a handy explanation for every crazy thing he thinks.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • jesterpunk

    Alex Jones must be getting desperate, he is just running replays of the last 8 years conspiracy theories and cant even come up with anything new.

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    These people give me a migraine.

    • Alan

      They’ve made me irregular.

  • SpudRaider

    I like that Alex took 57% off “Super Male Vitality” with this very upsetting news. Must be a lot of Neo-nazi’s feeling even less vital know.

  • exinkwretch

    AJ reminds of the scene in “Hell or High Water” where the Jeff Bridges character admonishes his fellow Texas Ranger to turn off the televangelist blabbing away on the tube: “That sumbitch wouldn’t know God if he crawled up his pant leg and bit him on the pecker.”

    • SadDemInTex

      The movie might be worth it just for that scene!

    • Longstreet63

      Jeff Bridges has been awesome since he got old and has no more fucks to give.

  • SadDemInTex
    • Bill D. Burger

      Alex Jones tried that many times before he finally accepted it as the truth.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Dang! Who is she?

      • janecita

        Dita Von Teese

      • SadDemInTex

        Dita Von Teese (birth name Heather Renee Sweet). She used to be married to Marilyn Manson and made burlesque a big deal again in this country. I don’t know if she said this but she seems like the kind of cool lady who would. Amazingly beautiful.

    • janecita

      Marilyn Manson has great taste in women.

      • SadDemInTex

        That pairing always reminded me of Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton.

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    O…M…G….Michelle Obama looks EXACTLY like her mother. Is she a time traveler? Is she a witch? What is her mother hiding? I’m not sure, I’m just asking questions.

    Also, is Sarah Huckabee Sanders a man? I’m just asking because she looks EXACTLY like her father if he put on a wig. Have we ever seen them in a room together? Can anyone explain where all the stray dogs are disappearing to in DC? Are the Huckabees murdering all the dogs? I’m not sure, I’m just asking questions.

    Did Donald Trump help rape and murder a young girl with his friend Glenn Beck? Who can say for sure?

    • janecita

      Is Melania Trump still hooking? I’m not sure, I’m just saying that I think that I saw her working her ass off on a DC corner.

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      I’ve heard about Glenn Beck murdering a girl (at least one, maybe more) in the ’70s, but now that you mention it, Drumpf hasn’t denied helping him. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        People are saying that Trump could be a rapist and a murderer. It would be irresponsible of us not to speculate.

      • That’s a ridiculous urban legend which you shouldn’t believe. The grain of truth was that he DID rape and murder a young girl, but that was in 1990.

  • Ilgattomorte

    My God! Alex is right on with this one. The evidence doesn’t lie. The video was shot from a grassy knoll by a simple tailor and it tells the whole story. The video, hereby to be known as the “Da’Cooter” film, clearly shows a penis. When watched repeatedly in slow motion one can see it plainly … “back and to the left”, “back and to the left”.

    Strangely, there seems to be something missing in the testicular area. While there is no doubt of a penis adjustment, one cannot clearly see an appropriate number of supporting gonads. This has led many to believe that perhaps one is missing, or as it is more commonly called, “the Single Bollock Theory”.

    We may never know the truth, at least not until the National Archive releases the files in 2045.

  • TJ Barke

    God, what a bunch of scummy assholes.

  • Weird Fishes

    C’mon, this man is a national treasure. He’s a living, breathing, self-generating mad-lib.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Andy Kaufman would be proud.

  • OneYieldRegular

    That Alex Jones sure has some bizarre fetishes. He probably now gets off on having coffee tossed in his face.

  • laughingnome

    How many times will this guy strap-on a new theory and have his followers bend over for it?

    • Ricky Gay

      Forever and ever amen

    • ManchuCandidate

      You got him pegged.

  • This post happily reminds me of the “pants tent” scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm.

    It also reminds me that Alex Jones is not worth remembering.

  • middleclassman1

    Today’s President has the hands of a little girl what does that say?

    • DesertedPictures

      He is an Alien.

      • Iron Monkey

        Deport him back to Uranus.

        • Longstreet63

          NIMBY….er, NIMBU, I suppose.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Joe Beese

      Just checked in to make sure.

      Carry on.

      • MynameisBlarney

        *salutes*

        AYE!

  • Bill D. Burger

    Alex Jones is always fantasizing about penises because he doesn’t have one. SAD

    https://images.encyclopediadramatica.rs/thumb/a/a0/Alex_jones_jerk_off.gif/300px-Alex_jones_jerk_off.gif

    • spangled

      you know, a lot of people are just saying that alex jones doesn’t have a penis

      i’m not saying anything, but have you ever seen PROOF of his PENIS?

      • Bill D. Burger

        I read that he was born without one. It was one the internet. It’s true. A lot of people are saying that. People are saying it’s true.

        • Bobathonic

          I read it on the internet, so it must be true.

        • spangled

          I’ve heard people saying it too. And if he does actually have a penis, why won’t he defend himself from these allegations? And why does he hawk weird penis supplements? Is he trying to grow one? I’m just asking questions!

  • Jenny

    If Michelle has a penis, then she can be president. THINK ABOUT IT PEOPLE!!! PRESIDENT. PENIS. PRESIDENT! IT ALL FITS!!

  • Mr. Blobfish

    If only there were some photos of a nude Michelle publicly available, we could put this all to rest. current FLOTUS

    • jesterpunk

      You can either see the President’s tax returns or nude photos of his wife, you cant see both.

    • Bill D. Burger

      And Melania? Before all that work…she could have just been ‘Mel’ !

      https://beautyeditor.ca/.image/t_share/MTQwODYzODU3MDMwNjA0NTkx/melania-trump-before-and-afterjpg.jpg

      • janecita

        She looks like my very old godmother.

      • GoutMachine

        Huh. She almost looks like a real human in that B&W photo.

        • cmd resistor

          Yeah, all that stuff she must have had done was not an improvement.

          • PubOption

            Did she (or Donald) really want that done to her eyes?

          • therblig

            obviously, she could stare at the eclipse without special glasses.

          • Longstreet63

            Yes, but unlike some, she was smart enough not to.

          • OneYieldRegular

            We’ll take back every thing we said
            Split up all the things and move ahead
            Forgot how you said
            We’ll split the side off the bed
            I get on my bike
            Ride down our block
            Ride through the world
            Through the green lights
            But when I think of all your advice
            I narrow my eyes
            Narrow my eyes

          • cmd resistor

            It makes her look mean.

      • Alan

        A bit of bad bondo.

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Did she tell the plastic surgeon to make her look like a possum?

      • OneYieldRegular

        Wait a minute – you mean – Melania Trump was once Boy George? Talk about a hot topic for Alex Jones…

    • P’jama Pahnts

      I wonder what the formatting would look like if was an actual disqus tag. hmmm…

  • Indiepalin

    Plus, she eats her peas one at a time.

    • weighmaster

      I eat my peas with honey,
      I’ve done it all my life.
      It makes the peas taste funny,
      But it keeps them on my knife.

      • proudgrampa

        Ya beat me to it!

        The oldies are the besties!

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Whatever. Jones is just jealous that a fictional penis is much larger than his. Just like the orange toddler is jealous of those hands.

  • Marceline

    I hate these people so much.

  • Relativicus

    1. There is definitely such a thing as “man hands” or Seinfeld couldn’t have done an episode on the matter.

    2. Obviously the Obamas did not have Joan Rivers killed. Hillary killed her for the thrill. It just so happens that doing so benefitted the two Obama penises.

    3. The lede should be the fact Alex Jones wants to see Michelle’s penis, and probably to do stuff with it and stuff.

  • GoutMachine

    Well, I mean, Barack’s parents did the same time-travel jujitsu to get him to be the Manchurian president he was … all that planting fake birth certificates in Hawai’i just because they knew he’d grow up to be preznit.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Manchurian candidate my ass – trump libel!….

  • Rick Hill

    I think someone with training in the psychiatry would know exactly what’s up. Alex goes to bed at night dreaming that Michelle is pegging him all the while saying things like
    “Take it like the big gurl you are.”
    “Who’s your Daddy, Alex?”

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    I read this shit. Then I remember that the president of the United States listens to this asshole, and has appeared on his show. Then I pour myself a very stiff drink.

  • Bobo the Dork Boy

    You gots some sexxy, sexxy hands there girl…

  • dshwa

    That man is not well.

    If we survive, psychologists and neuroscientists are going to have a field day with this time period.

    • ContextIsKey

      I’m a psychologist, and I’m definitely not having a field day.

      • dshwa

        After this. If we survive. All the research material on conspiracy theories, implicit bias, political bias in reactions to facts, etc. will be enough to go around for a few million research papers. Field day.

  • natoslug

    I haven’t seen evidence yet refuting the claim that Alex Jones is an anal polyp.

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      I’d buy that theory. It all adds up.

      • natoslug

        The video of him wobbling around after people in Seattle pretty much sealed it.

  • cmd resistor

    Think what could happen if people like this actually spent their time doing something useful.

    • Crystalclear12

      That’s what Timothy McVeigh thought.

  • Crystalclear12

    OK, as an act of compassion we need to set up a gofundme for Alex’s mental healthcare fund.

    • Shibusa

      Count me out.

      • Crystalclear12

        Are you sure?
        It could involve an involuntary commitment. . .

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Man hands! Sometimes the veins stick out and look really unladylike. I do need a manicure though. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d78327a4cfc90aa78d57d8f46af718d8617b684613327d4dfb94e7415ab9740f.jpg

    • janecita

      My hands are tiny, even Trump has bigger hands than me! I’d give my ass for nice, long fingers.

      • Jon Sussex

        Maybe I can help. Whose fingers did you have in mind?

        • janecita

          Do you own a fingers collection?

          • Jon Sussex

            Apparently they’re only interested in toes in Dawson City.

  • Longstreet63

    Well, you know, this giant black penis fixation is apparently pretty common in racist white men. It’s another one of those “How come the master race gets so easily manipulated by subhuman Jews?” Kind of things.
    Similar fixations are:
    “Gay sex is disgusting but simultaneously so enticing that people can be turned gay”
    “Black men are women-beating brutes that white women somehow cant resist”
    “The white race is superior but one drop of brown blood makes one inferior.”

    I’m sure there are many more. It’s almost as if these people are actually terribly insecure about their superiority.

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    It’s not about hand size, it’s about the distance between finger lengths. Supposedly if a woman’s ring finger matches her first finger in length, she may have been exposed to more testosterone in the womb
    https://www.theguardian.com/science/2010/dec/01/what-finger-length-says-about-you
    What we do know is that Alex Jones is a bear of very little brain, and also, that things were way better for the wingnut industry when Obama was President. They secretly want him back.

    • jesterpunk

      So your saying science proves Trump isnt an alpha male?

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        According to the ring finger theory I’m gay, except that I’m not, and I should have fertility problems except that I didn’t.
        The most alpha males I knew didn’t need to strut or bully or show off. They were quietly respected.
        One thing we know for sure is Robyn has lovely hands, and artistic skill.

      • AJ Milne

        (Examines news photos carefully…)

        I’m not _sure_, but I _think_ maybe science says he’s a poorly-carved ventriloquism dummy.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          With dummy being the operative word here

    • Historicat

      “They secretly want him back.”

      Finally – something we can agree on.

  • Treg Brown

    “4) She has, he claims, “man hands.”

    So using this logic Alex Jones (who recently lost custody of his children because he’s unhinged), thinks our current POTUS is a 6 year old child.

    Good to know.

  • natoslug

    Okay, the primary NAS and all VPNs are down at my work, apparently indefinitely, and I am a remote worker who needs access to both to get anything done. I guess I am focusing on wonkette and BBC (the news service, not the porn genre) for the day . . .

    • jesterpunk

      Have you tried turning it off and on again?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtXtIivRRKQ

      • natoslug

        They won’t let me near the box that contains the Internet after last time, so no.

        • jesterpunk

          Well in that case have you tried going to the bar to start an early weekend?

          • natoslug

            That means I have to put on pants. And bathe. Dammit, maybe I need to put on pants and bathe!

          • jesterpunk

            Just go to a corner bar, no one would notice either of those things.

    • Longstreet63

      Of course, none of us have any idea what that acronym could stand for.

      • natoslug

        Big-Boned Crustaceans.

        • Longstreet63

          Kinky!

      • Last Hussar

        British broadcasting corporation bringing brilliant coverage bloody beautiful cricket

        • Longstreet63

          Also very kinky…

  • Marla

    Jone$ can’t even reinvent himself without coming off as a asshole.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I had no idea women had such strong feelings toward the term “man hands.”

  • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

    Conservapedia does it best. Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (born January 17, 1964) held the office of First Lady of the U.S. as the domestic partner of Barack Obama

    Melania is Trumps wife…

    • jesterpunk

      Isnt conservapedia a parody site?

      • Skwerl the Nazi Puncher

        No, that’s where I get all my Informationatic.

        • jesterpunk

          Damn I always thought it was a parody site and laughed at the entries there. I didnt realize people took it seriously.

      • Shibusa

        There used to be Dickipedia, which was pretty funny. Gone now.
        http://web.archive.org/web/20110725234510/http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Main_Page

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Thanks. I used to read the Jon and Kate Gosselin entry when I needed a laugh.

      • P’jama Pahnts
      • Longstreet63

        It might be now, but it was started as an effort to correct the liberal bias of Wikipedia. Then they forgot to lock editing and Liberal saboteurs had a field day.
        But some entries were perfect as they were, because you can’t always improve on genuine crazy.

  • bookish

    San Francisco far-right rally Saturday.

    http://www.sfgate.com/news/article/San-Francisco-closures-Saturday-rally-Presidio-11958097.php

    Muni lines will be rerouted, buses will replace Cable Cars and roads will be closed. To ensure the public’s safety on Saturday during a number of political rallies, the city is taking measures.

    A far-right gathering hosted by Patriot Prayer is planned at Crissy Field for 2 p.m. to 5 p.m. and several counter-events are planned around the city.

    • jesterpunk

      Is it ok to run Nazis over if your scared? Or does that only work if your a scared Nazi?

      • P’jama Pahnts

        They’re probably hoping so hard that happens so they can be all “SEEE??!! SEEEE??!!!”

        • jesterpunk

          I am just trying to figure out when running over protestors is ok and your just scared and its the protestors fault and when its not ok.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        No.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Only if you have a “sincerely held belief” that Jesus told you to.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Any efforts to prop up Grindr in advance? I’m sure there’ll be danger of overload.

  • Shibusa

    Jones and his loyal viewers are truly awful people.

    • SnarkON

      Deplorable.

  • BearGHAZI

    If we follow the hand-logic, surely Lord Dampnut is secretly a dainty young girl of ten years, saving her nickels for the next One Direction single?

  • MynameisBlarney

    Since we’re talkin’ about appendages and whatnot, my sister has Flintstone Feet.
    Seriously.
    And she can pinch the fuck outta ya with her damn big ass toes too.
    She left a bruise on my calf one time.

    • Bobathonic

      I had to learn that skill for self defense. From my Mom. But now, it’s real handy, in case I drop something.

      • MynameisBlarney

        LOL
        My sis is all sneaky about that shit.
        You’d be mindin’ yer own business and then BAM! Fuckin’ donkey bite outta nowhere!

        • Bobathonic

          Pretty much the same- usually she would reach out while we’d be sitting on the couch, reading or watching the magic picture box. Then *PINCH* on the calf or thigh.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Really helps when your lumbar is all fucking painful and bending over’s a bitch, also too.

    • Shibusa

      When she was a kid, my BFF was awakened one night by her younger sister pinching her thigh with a pair of pliers! Ow!

      • MynameisBlarney

        JESUS!
        That had to hurt like hell!

    • I can pick up a tennis ball with my toes…

    • mailman27

      Can she stop the car with ’em?

      • MynameisBlarney

        As of yet, that theory has not been tested.

  • ContextIsKey

    And has the MSM covered this story yet? Proof that they’re CONSPIRING with the Obamas to keep this a secret.

    • Longstreet63

      CNN turned off the camera halfway through your comment!

  • BearGHAZI

    I tried to watch the vid but gave up. My limit is 2 ripoff title sequences

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    Man or not, she could kick Alex Jones’s ass with both of her chromium-plated balls tied behind her back.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    OT, but best wishes to all wonketeers in the path of not-at-all-imaginary Hurricane Pookah Harvey. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THIS AND NOT GETTING YOUR EFFING ASS TO NEBRASKA??!!11?

  • OddMan

    We all laugh and make fun of Jones and his crazy as fuck beliefs. But the truly scary thing is millions of morons listen to/believe his crap. And every single one is a strong trump supporter. How do you get reality to them?

    Fuck.

    • jesterpunk

      We dont, the good thing is if liberals would actually vote we out number them.

    • Longstreet63

      Well, ok, but the second scariest thing is watching him eat.

    • SnarkON

      You don’t. That segment of society will always and has always existed.

    • And they’ve got guns.

      • P’jama Pahnts

        and survival seed buckets.

        • Longstreet63

          5000 servings of instant Mac n Cheese for $49.95! Enough to get you through the apocalypse!

          The living will envy the dead…

    • AJ Milne

      Recall a few analyses suggesting part of what’s happening is how normally more apolitical low-information types have been drawn into this, and specifically into Trump’s camp, by such stuff as the newspaper tabloids run by Trump apparatchiki. It’s all a bit outside the radar of the normal political analyses, too…

      Dunno how you enter that arena to compete, if so. But if so, there’s a certain brutal poetry to it. Poorly educated, poorly informed, they’ve always been around. But once upon a time, you could kinda ignore them. Now, it begins to look like a problem really needs to be solved, and rather urgently.

  • The Librarian

    Hmmm, so obviously Alex Jones really has a vajayjay. How do I know? Have YOU ever seen his penis*? I’ve never even seen a bulge. He’s always on the rag, which means he has hormone problems. Sad!

    * Ugh, like I’d ever want to.

    • jesterpunk

      Well looks like I am not eating ever again.

      • The Librarian

        You’ll thank me later when you lose those 5 pounds you’ve gained from drinking too much and eating comfort food during this debacle.

        • That’s the real Alex Jones diet plan- well, that and amphetamines.

        • AJ Milne

          Five. Yep. That’s all I gained. Five.

    • Elvis Causticfellow

      I’ve never seen his penis, and whenever I look at him I see a huge hole.

    • A Groucho Marxist

      I’ve heard there were a number of videos on Youtube that proved this, but they were all deleted by the powers that be.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    You call that a conspiracy? This is a conspiracy. Obama linked plane filled with Afghan Heroin and North Korean amphetamines impounded in Caribbean. Profits go to ISIS.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      A couple of hookers and that sounds like Secret Service bait to me.

      • Last Hussar

        Sounds like a good start to the weekend to me.

  • Elvis Causticfellow

    No such thing as man hands? Here’s a test, which one belongs to the guy?
    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/a3/94/20/a39420643463ed7c0d83b1f64f27f4fa.jpg

  • Michelle Obama has a cucumber-sized penis, it is located squarely between Alex Jones’ ears.

    • Oblios_Cap

      It sounds like he’s jealous.

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Who better to recognize a dickhead than the man who sees one in his mirror every day?

  • Martini Ambassador 🍸

    Not that I want to delve too deeply into the motives of an insane person, but my guess is that this so-called “revelation” about the Obamas is supposed to cast aspersions on Barry’s heterosexuality. And yet, the guy who keeps looking for penises is Alex Jones…

  • OneYieldRegular

    Alex Jones is a racist and sexist pig, and karma is not likely to treat him well.

    • Longstreet63

      I just want to know how evil he had to be in his previous life to get reincarnated as Alex Jones…

      • Crystalclear12

        I’m guessing Goebbels?

    • SnarkON

      It already hasn’t. Can you imagine having to live inside that brain 24/7?

  • Last Hussar

    Have I understood this correctly… Robyn is a man?

    • SnarkON

      Some very smart people are saying so.

      • Last Hussar

        I read on the Internet “she” has hands bigger than a man, and when “she” wears certain kinds of skirts you can see the shape of “her” penis.

        Does she even bleed out of wherever?

        Can’t be a woman, hasn’t been grabbed by Trump

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      Evidence:
      – Robyn is name of “Boy Wonder”
      – Writes about MRAs with preternatural insight
      – Has a cup labelled “Male Tears” to hold her tears
      – Long fingers

  • SnarkON

    Also, why are Alex Jones and his drooling followers still fixated on the Obamas, when their hero is in the White House, Making America Great Again?

    • BigCSouthside

      To be fair, their hero is OBSESSED with Obama.

      • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

        His only governing principle is to undo Obama. He won’t be satisfied until the official portrait is taken down.

    • Nockular cavity

      Because their hero is a big fat pathetic failure?

  • SomeBigRedDog

    The only people this interested in imagining women with dicks are men who want to get fucked by women with dicks. He has literally just broadcast to us the intimate details of his spank bank.

  • Crystalclear12

    Once again:
    how much does he believe and how much is fodder for the “under educated”?

    Only his divorce attorney knows!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Nice hands. I’m thinking Alex worries about penii a little too much.

  • Roadstergal

    If “hands bigger than Trump’s” is the qualification, we got a lotta men in this country.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Apparently including me. Excuse me, I need to go check on something.

  • jesterpunk
  • SomeBigRedDog

    Well Alex Jones has pretty big boobs, sooo . . .

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    OT, but excellent:

    This is the horror at the hole of every asshole, and it is why Trump will never get better as a president or a person: it will always and only be about him. History matters only insofar as it brought him to this moment; the roaring and endless present in which he lives matters because it is where he is now; the future is the place in which he will do it all again. Trump’s world ends with him, and a discourse or a politics that is locked into scrutinizing or obsessively #resisting or otherwise chasing him will invariably end up as arid and abstracted and curdled as he is. More to the point, it’s a dead end. The shame an animal feels is secret to us.

    https://thebaffler.com/latest/the-president-of-blank-sucking-nullity-roth?utm_content=buffer301b0&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

    • efoveks

      That. Is. Hysterical. :D

      • Bub, the cynical zombie

        I don’t agree with his conclusion – that Trump’s world ends with him – because I think the damage Trump has done, and will continue to do, is going to long outlast him. But how he gets there is spot on.

        • Longstreet63

          His point is that, although that’s true, Trump will never understand that, or care about it, because he’s such an asshole.

    • Longstreet63

      That’s the best thing I’ve ever read.

    • SomeBigRedDog

      I really liked this but I must take issue with the description of a dog’s brain.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • DesertedPictures

    So Alex Jones sometimes hisses in really serpent-like way. I’m not saying he definatly is a mutated snake: I’m just asking questions…

    • That’s the constant leakage of hot gas from his Joneshole.

      • MynameisBlarney

        All that chili has to go somewhere.

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        For which no one Joneses. Iz perhaps why he haz such a sad, that gets turned into a mad.

  • Anna Rompage

    Michelle supposedly has a dick, where as Alex Jones IS a dick…

  • efoveks

    Alex Jones has penis envy. Even the imaginary ones are better than what he has! Also too, what a dickbrain.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    Michelle is more of a man than Alex will ever be.

  • Randy Riddle

    Michelle has more balls than Alex Jones and his entire audience.

  • Jgb979

    Considering Alex hasnt seen his own in god knows how long, he’s probably forgotten what one looks like.

    I for one believe Alex Jones has a vagina based on the size of his moobs for one.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    Michelle may or may not be a man, but Alex Jones is a little bitch

    • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

      He runs like a … well, not like a boy and not like a girl. He runs like a duck.

  • Serai 1
    • dshwa

      Best side eye shade thrower in the history of First ladies.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Does this mean Melody Trump is a fair target for mockery now?

    • Jgb979

      If her history of work in the sex trade (allegedly of course) ever becomes a matter of public record.

      That’s just recitation of fact

      • proudgrampa

        “I don’t know it for a fact. I just know it’s true.”

    • jesterpunk

      Of course not, if you make fun of or insult a Republican you hate ‘Merica, but if you dont make fun or insult a Democrat you hate ‘Merica too.

    • clairence

      hoo-iz Melody Trump?

  • Verdad

    Jones is just taking plays from Saul Alinsky. You all should know about that.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Us all? And no, Alinsky did not advocate wierd-ass conspiracy theories.

      • jesterpunk

        They post on Wing Nut daily and infowars. Of course they are going to bring up some dumbass conspiracy theory.

        • WomanInThePersistence

          I saw that. And what is this person doing here?

          • jesterpunk

            Robyn wrote an article and she mentioned Alex Jones. 2 things they hate.

          • WomanInThePersistence

            Yes. But their posting history would charitably be described as intermittent.

        • bbayliss

          I would venture that a vast majority of the “left” would never have heard of either Alinsky or Soros if it wasn’t for the “right” fetishizing them.

          • jesterpunk

            I know I wouldn’t have heard of either of them if it wasn’t for the right blaming them for everything.

          • Old town Urbandale

            What, are you getting paid in cash for protesting, or are you just not looking at the signature line on the check?

          • jesterpunk

            Soros still owes me from last year for voting for Hillary in the primaries.

    • jesterpunk

      Saul Alinsky, another right wing boogyman.

      https://media.giphy.com/media/M9o2jL3ZRB09a/giphy.gif

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    OT, but … don’t toss out your eclipse glasses. Collect ’em and mail ’em to:
    AWB Eclipse Glasses Donation Program
    Explore Scientific
    1010 S. 48th Street
    Springdale, AR 72762

    They’ll be shipped to kids in South America and Africa, so they can safely watch eclipses in 2019 and 2020.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Damn, now I wish I’d bought some.

    • proudgrampa

      Awesome!

    • mailman27

      So that’s what Average White Band is up to these days.

  • Oblios_Cap

    From over at Mock, Paper, Scissors, I found this link:

    https://thebaffler.com/latest/the-president-of-blank-sucking-nullity-roth

    • proudgrampa

      WHEN is Trump going to finally use the words “Domestic Nazi Terrorism”???

      • Oblios_Cap

        Then it will disappear, as if by magic!

    • bbayliss

      Very good.
      The take away?
      “The most significant thing to know about Donald Trump’s politics or process, his beliefs or his calculations, is that he is an asshole…”

  • Doesn’t trying to prove this nonsense false give this maniac more power?

    Also, fuck Alex Jones.

    • bbayliss

      dignify it by admitting it exists?
      OR recognize that insane people have more power than they should.
      discuss

  • Blanche Beecham

    She’s keeping her secret penis in her husband’s pants.

    • weighmaster

      That’s where I keep mine.

    • SisterArtemis

      I keep mine in a drawer

  • #1 Video on the Web

    Must be talking about the “web” of bacteria and fecal matter inside Alex Jones tight whities…

    Because a black guy named Wiz got 16 MILLION thumbs up.
    https://youtu.be/RgKAFK5djSk

    Once again, a smart Black man with talent is more popular than a dumb white man with nothing but ignorance.

    • Glistening Fishlifters

      I think Despacito just broke some kind of record for “most watched youtube video ever.”

      • Yup you’re right. Just in the last month, Despacito surged to 19M

        [Edit] Did he name check Tijuana? That’s La Perla, PR. Nope, sounds like “tí, wow”

  • Nockular cavity
    • AJ Milne

      Lana libelz.

      (_I_ have large hands. And Lana is my cartoon crush.)

      • P’jama Pahnts

        Her voice is my RL crush.

        • Oblios_Cap

          Plus she’s an all-around badass…

      • SeeTrain65

        And Aisha Tyler is one of mine.

        Beautiful, funny, smart, … SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.

    • clairence

      you guys keep teaching me about modern culture. I did not know this character or series existed. Lanacane is a funny addition to the topic at hand.

      • WomanInThePersistence

        Check out “Archer”. It’s funny as hell.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        brilliant show!

    • Thiazin Red

      Truckasaurus!

      • wait! what?

        Sploosh!

  • Historicat

    Alright kids – the office is closing and I’m going home to hang out with the family and wonder if I should start putting possessions up on furniture. I’m not worried about storm surge (too far inland), not too worried about wind (not close enough to the epicenter), but I am pretty worried about inland flooding. Here’s what we’re looking at: https://spacecityweather.com/when-inland-flooding-comes-rainfall-rate-is-the-key/

    Fingers crossed for the next week!

    • Longstreet63

      Good luck! Or is it “Break a leg”?
      Wait is one of those bad luck?
      Oh, God, I’ve ruined it! It’s all my fault! Again!

    • Bub, the cynical zombie

      Best of luck.

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      Be safe!

    • miss_grundy

      Stay safe!

  • MynameisBlarney
    • clairence

      Okay, I admit it. I don’t know who th that is.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Me either, but I’m old.

      • blarg

        The guy’s identity doesn’t matter. It’s that “hmm, don’t know about that” look that has made him a meme. (although for the record, i think he’s a small time hip-hop artists in a rap duel)

  • Msgr_MΩment
  • JMP

    There’s no purpose to this conspiracy idiocy at all, except that bigots like Alex Jones think trans people are icky, and they want additional reasons to call her icky besides the whole being black and being a woman who isn’t subservient things.

    • Cat Cafe for the Resignation

      Also too, “black people are BIG AND SCARY, their teenagers are WILD FULLY GROWN ANIMALS and their ladies are MEN”

    • KBadger

      Exactly my first thought. Just gives him a chance to take yet another shot at Michelle Obama and let everyone know he thinks transgender people are awful. It’s a living, I guess.

      • clairence

        should not be.

    • clairence

      yeah, it’s a four-shot: strong black woman.. and let’s call her a trans woman and then hit all our prejudices at once. Ohhh goooddd! So many keyboards needing to be cleaned or replaced.

  • bbayliss

    Oh for christs sake.

  • Master Contrail Program

    This has nothing to do with man hands or secret penises. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ab08209e01d25a03144114c3aabe2e827504f12d3968a2fb6f8b604bfcb9a66c.jpg I just thought it was funny.

    • clairence

      the ad or the placement of the ‘soil’? Both I find amusing, especially together.

    • Lord Jim

      Sweet caboose but oh, that exhaust…

  • OrG

    Alex Jones is boring. Next.

  • Master Contrail Program
    • clairence

      hahahaha! excellent. where can I get some of those?

    • proudgrampa

      OMG!!! I gave those to the proudgrandchildren!!!

  • James Baskin

    Hi. My name is Michael. (It really is, even though my moniker says I am James.) I don’t believe Michelle Obama has a penis. But I am certain that I do. I would love to be able to show it (my penis) to Alex and his friends so that he could see what a real penis looks like.

    • proudgrampa

      You exhibitionist, you!

    • WomanInThePersistence

      I’ll take your word on that.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      You’ve seen one… um… you’ve seen one.

  • Glistening Fishlifters

    The terribly named “UNT” peel off base coat works fairly well.

    • WomanInThePersistence

      Great user name, btw.

      • Glistening Fishlifters

        Love those good good podcasting boys.

    • Teecha

      UNT stuff is fabulous. Their cuticle gel is gorgeous. And the packaging it’s sent in makes me soooo happy.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Do you think Alex Jones fans would be interested in a restaurant that serves left-overs recovered from dumpsters? ‘Cause that’s what we are dealing with here.

    • Old town Urbandale

      Just make sure those leftovers aren’t vegan, as they ain’t libtards.

      • Lord Jim

        So vegan baby butthole is right out, then.

  • Master Contrail Program
  • Kiri the Unicorn

    “I mean, do you have any idea how big a flaccid penis would have to be in order for it to show through pants like that?”

    You really shouldn’t invite unicorns to make dick jokes.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/97dd3eba3228e8dc876065ada98b408028511857ab36df6930adfdd0f6e4cff2.jpg

    • mike stone

      God, I am now feeling very inadequate.

    • Invisible Bunyip

      I was at the zoo once when the male elephant got an erection. That thing was downright horrifying.

  • WeaselPoo

    I feel bad for the rabid squirrels that occupy Alex Jones’ brain-case.

    • Lord Jim

      How well do you think YOU would do after being locked up in AJ’s bonebox for several decades?

  • eyelashviper

    but I betcha that Michelle could deck that smarty piece of caca easily, and make him cry, curl up into fetal position, and wet himself.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    “Also, despite living as a woman with a large penis for her entire life, never learned to tuck?”

    THIS.

  • Raan

    You know what happened? Alex Jones was on his trucker speed again and he got confused browsing porn.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Also, the photo of the family is SO FREAKING CUTE. Just look at those two squishy little babbies!

  • MynameisBlarney
  • SkinlessGenderlessMan

    “Joan Rivers…literally and factually true. And she was murdered by the Obamas…..none of the other people saying that – including Alex Jones, were….murdered.”

    Alex Jones may want to play down his continuing existence, as it, in combination with his conspiratorial excess, tends to draw attention to just how fucking irrelevant he actually is.

    • Raan

      Can he just fake his own death and blame it on the Deep State already so we don’t have to fuckin’ deal with him all the time?

  • anon_the_great

    Problem here is Alex hasn’t seen his own unreflected cock for decades and he simply has forgotten what one looks like.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Time for Jones to have another cup of coffee.

    • anon_the_great

      See a stinky Nazi,
      Bathe that stinky Nazi
      In Starbucks

  • Moebym of the Returners

    A big man would not irresponsibly speculate on the existence of a woman’s genitalia.

    • anon_the_great

      But a micro penis owner sez what?

      • J.Bo

        “cucumber”

  • MynameisBlarney

    “Ex-Obama spox: Dermpf staff believe he’s too stupid to figure that infowars is garbage”

    http://thehill.com/media/347962-ex-obama-spox-trump-staff-believes-hes-too-stupid-to-figure-out-that-infowars-is

  • JackLinks
  • Tommy Beard

    Michelle looks so much like her mom.

    • Aaron Wise

      Her man-mom!
      OMG IT GETS WORSE!

  • Weißwurst Supreme

    Alex Jones just wants to see a little White House peen, is that so much to ask?

    The little orange one available at moment left him disappointed, though, so now he’s lost in fantasy instead.

  • rocktonsam

    I’M sure 99.9% of women beg AJ to hide his little penis from them…

    • tomamitai

      100% of his wives also, too!

      • Bad Tom

        His wife got a court order (aka “divorce”.)
        Very smart of her.

  • PixieThis

    Why are these lunatics so obsessed with the penis? It’s like a game of “dick, dick, hand size”. Grow up, you tiny brained creatures!

  • MOG253

    This man can’t stop obsessing with libs sex lives. Jealous? Or just a perv?

    • Lord Jim

      Yes.

  • Nasty Girl Brianna

    As a black trans woman, I think I’m qualified to say this:

    What. A. Fucking. Transphobic. ASSHOLE.

    I hope he dies in a horrible way.

    • major_asshole

      This comment was not a violation of the Commenting Rules. Brianna never wished death on anyone, just that when it comes it should be horrible.

      • SkinlessGenderlessMan

        I was pondering that. I’d have to say “alone, over the course of several years of decline, during which he retains enough mental acuity to realize his situation”.

        • marshlc

          And having lost what excuse fortune he has, so he has to be in a state funded facility.

      • J.Bo

        Yes, “horrible” seems perfectly reasonable.

  • Teecha

    This is ridiculous. Why is this idiot still sooooo obsessed with the Obamas? It’s nearly September- that’s nearly 9 months since they left the White House (sob!) Even if this blatant load of old bollocks wasn’t a complete fabrication of the idiot’s drug-addled brain, it’s not exactly a current issue. Why does it even matter to him?

    • Nasty Girl Brianna

      Because Obama Derangement Syndrome is not something that can be easily cured. It’s going to take an entire wing of a psychiatric hospital to sort this guy out.

      • Teecha

        Maybe a vote to the head would be more economic?

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      I think he’s just really, really into penises. Which also explains his interest in the POTUS. Penis of….

    • Suttree

      How many years has Clinton Derangment Syndrome lasted? They still haven’t found a cure for that scourge!

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      It gets his audience excited and concerned about their own penises, so they buy all the InfoWars Super Male Vitality Trouser Snake Oil they can afford.

    • Iron Monkey

      His audience hates and fears black people, especially smart, accomplished black people.

      • J.Bo

        Yeah, but if you were as stupid, useless and pathetic as those basement-dwelling InfoWartards you’d understand… maybe.

      • Weird Fishes

        They’re probably afraid of food that doesn’t come from McDonald’s, too.

    • Because the GOP base can only be controlled by fear. The GOP are not only are incapable of legislating, they are incapable of keeping their support without keeping Bobby Lee and Tammi afraid and angry. I mean, why else vote or send money, right?

      And since they control all three houses, they have to blame it on somebody. The recession was blamed on Obama, even though it started a couple of months before he was sworn in, but I guarantee that he will be responsible for any problems we still have in 2020. Unless, that is, he hands the reins of power over to the Deep State, which seems to be a thing now.

    • aureolaborealis

      It distracts from the colossal shit-storm that is his ‘presidency’.

  • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

    Yeah, I just keep thinking of the people who are powerful enough to have people killed, and the people they don’t, for whatever reason, have killed. It’s strangely disappointing, in a bloodthirsty kind of a way, that Michelle (or for that matter, Barack or Hillary or Bill) has never gone all Vladimir Putin on Alex Jones’s big, ugly, flaccid, reactionary, dark-money-funded, disrespectful ass.

    • whitroth

      And I’m *really* annoyed at how bad O’Bama was as a dictator. He didn’t kill or send off to reeducation camps *any* of these damn i-jiots, nor did he send me that pride of lions I ordered, so I could feed evangelical self-proclaimed Christians to them.

      • Me not sure

        I sent a donation and Michelle sent me a bag of seeds. They didn’t grow into lions, but they did grow into vegetables.

  • Deacon Blues Jack

    A few things here, starting from the top. Marvel should sue Alex Jones for stealing their old comic book flip opening., Glad they preemptively changed it for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, which was excellent, btw.

    Now, onto the real deal. I did hair and make-up for the drag shows (that’s what they’re called, not being a hater) at The Quest in Birmingham, AL. I saw a ton of well-endowed men walk in there and they had this space-age tool to help with the concealment of their substantial members. It’s a thing called duct tape. Seriously, that’s what most of them used to keep it tucked while doing elaborate dance numbers in very skimpy dresses. Those who didn’t use this mystery ‘tape’ usually used control tops and tucked that way. Forget, for a moment, just pulling a Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, that doesn’t work very well at all for those Proud Mary inspired grooves.

    Now, following AJ’s little theory on hands, doesn’t it follow that Donnie was likely born an angry, tiny-handed little girl? It would be irresponsible not to speculate, since we’re dumpster-diving with the stars of talk radio fever dreams.

    • Me not sure

      Drag show make-up artist in Birmingham, Alabama would have probably stumped the panel on “What’s My Line?”.

      • Deacon Blues Jack

        It surprises most everyone that Birmingham does have a decent sized gay community. Back in the day, they had two gay bars and Mabel’s Beauty Shop and Chainsaw Repair, which used to be a decent lesbian bar.

        • Me not sure

          Wife and I met a terrific couple over dinner in Birmingham. He was an Alabama dentist in town to award scholarships to deserving minority students at UAB in dental related fields. Alabama is changing, but change comes slowly. We had a nice time in the Five Points area.

          • Deacon Blues Jack

            Five Points is great, huge underground music scene. I saw Hootie and the Blowfish there before they made it big. The Nick used to be a great punk club, but went to shit by the mid 90’s.

            Yeah, as the great Dr. King said, “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” I grew up there and watched it change from a segregated (still, even in the mid seventies), racist haven to a more civilized part of the south. Now, it’s a majority minority city, a bright blue beacon in a sea of red with a rich diversity and, yes, a decent sized immigrant population. I wax on about it because I miss it. We had to move back in October and I’m still a lost soul in Ocean Springs, MS. The worst part? There’s no Mediterranean cuisine here at all. I miss fresh made humus.

          • Me not sure

            There’s a great B&B, The Hassinger Daniels Mansion, near there run by an eccentric but very nice couple from the University community. The husband runs a carousel horse carving school out of the basement. There’s one of his horses in the parlor. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ecff331a72314ac8564056c9902b084e5821d345d6f25e5ca25a6aa3ad85740c.jpg

  • whitroth

    Right. Now, if Barack were not in the picture, I’d happily volunteer to do some Real close investigation, starting with, “Can a guy buy a lady a drink…?”

    And my late wife’s fingers were about as long as mine.

  • miss_grundy

    Why won’t Alex Jones show everyone his p*ssy? Who knows, maybe he can get Tangerini to grab it.

  • AngryNotSoOldHippy .

    Name a shitting Christian fucking Republican who isn’t a fucking insane right wing anti-American cunt. Good luck finding one.

  • Suttree

    If Michelle is a man, I have teh ghey now. I have always been a miscegenist though.

  • Laffing Crow

    We all miss the Obama’s, in our own way. Even A.J.

  • Stephen J. Marmon

    Just stop publicizing that idiot already.

  • Manders

    The answer, as always, is racism.

    • sexism too also! And just a nice smidge of transphobia for the extra fun

  • goonemeritus

    So if true I guess I have had gay fantasies.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Some women do look and/or act kind of ‘manly’. And that’s fine; there’s nothing wrong with that. I wouldn’t count Michelle Obama among them, however. Just was never the vibe I got from her.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Are there no photos of her in a bathing suit that would, like, lay this shit to rest? Actually, there are very few, which they use as further evidence, but I think this one speaks for itself. It is supposedly authenticated, but what do those words mean in 2017? Nothing. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/75126093c318ce44d115f803248661cac19a55fab681026c90e53f2fb2f52e95.jpg

    • lroom

      She’s so beautiful.

    • Molon Labe

      Not authentic.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I didn’t think so, but it’s still a nice photo.

    • HorseChestnut

      Nah man, that is just her face on a bikini model.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        You’re right, of course, the head is not in proportion to the body. But it’s still nice. I had a figure like that once, long long ago in a galaxy far far away.

  • Erick the Kracker

    Boy, I wish I had a penis the size of a cucumber.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Well I do, and it’s not any big deal.*

      *Of course, cucumbers vary in size from tiny gherkins to 14-inch long megacucumbers. I will provide no further details.

      • whitroth

        I’d say you were in a real pickle.

      • Ummm, do you have have some sort of, ohhh, I don’t know, pamphlet, or electrically accessible biography, that I might sign up for?

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Michelle Obama is a man” comes from the same place as “Barack Obama was born in Kenya.” It means “Black people are alien and revolting to me.”

    • Sharla Fouquet

      YEEEESSSSS!!!! Thank you for a brilliantly succinct description of all these rabidly and irrationally anti-Obama assholes.

      • Baron Karza

        Obama is a fucking scumbag.

        • Hey guys, lookeelooklooklooklook!

          A real Murkin turdwaffle in the wild! shhhh!

          (Don’t pull out any facts, they get terrified and pee all over, like a Russian hooker….)

          • sgt. jmk of the résistance

            How exciting!! We need David Attenborough to say:

            “Here we see the Lesser Murkin Turdwaffle in a bit of a pickle, having been blown off course from its normal habitat in the Breitbart Swamp. Because he feels so out of place, when he thinks he’s being challenged, the Turdwaffle resorts to a few well-worn and predictable aggressive moves, but because his snark skills are rudimentary at best, he’ll run back to his native swamp at the slightest opportunity, where he will tell lies about all the libtards he fought during his foray into the sane world.”

        • Hardly Ideal

          That’s the best you’ve got? I can insult Obama better, and I voted for him. Like, did you know he doesn’t actually need the NSA? If he wants to eavesdrop on phone calls, he can just use his gigantic ears.

          Also, get your umbrella. Looks like it’s gonna rain…
          http://i.imgur.com/yXA8KBC.gif

        • blaid droog

          U probably need to go back to dead britebart.

        • amrak63

          I believe I speak the consensus of the Wonkettariat here, “Your Grace”.

          http://i.imgur.com/ml91ykT.jpg

        • Serai 1
    • J.Bo

      Yep, I know some racist GOPers and your hypothesis seems totally legit to me.

    • Jesse

      Also too: “big black penises the size of cucumbers threaten my pasty white baby gherkin.”

      • Faithrsanders

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family!!!
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !yz377:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash377GroupSoft/GetPay$97/Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::!yz377..,..

    • SeeTrain65

      Or, “I’m afraid of everyone different from me, so they shouldn’t exist.”

  • Marceline

    Here’s the kind of man Alex Jones will never be.

    https://twitter.com/NoMoreTeaForMe/status/901127952397725697

    • William
      • Jukesgrrl

        Imagine doing selfies with people for as long as there have been camera phones and still being able to appear warm and enthusiastic about it. What a woman! Yes, I said woman, Alex, you slimeball.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Not just WON’T but CAN’T.

    • Weird Fishes

      Normal, you mean? Loveable? Respected? Looked up to?

      Relevant?

      Just spitballin’, as you do.

  • Richard Girlswin

    Also, despite the fact that they are very rich people, Michelle has never had gender-corrective surgery?

    FWIW, not all trans people get all surgeries, money or no. Still loved the piece, just thought someone should mention it.

  • Portia McGonagal

    We lost an election to these motherfucking assholes. I just can’t.

    • William

      We did, but the battle goes on and folks like Michelle are on the forefront of the battle.

    • amrak63

      “We”–you and I and all the others–did not lose it, Portia.

      Vladimir Satanovich Putin stole it, taking advantage of the fact that so many of our fellow Amurkans are too fucking stupid to pour piss out of their boots, even if the instructions are written on the heels.

    • We’ve lost to them before. We rise again, move forward a few more steps, fall back.
      History is very very very long.

      • Permit-holder Ron

        Yeah, but some of us can’t really afford to wait.

      • aloharob

        especially toward the end

  • lroom

    This man is actual filth. Stay classy there fucker.

  • William
  • hanadora444

    And this is what Trump thinks should merit White House press credentials.

  • HorseChestnut

    Every time I read something about how great it is to have class back in the White House, to have a real lady – I get so disgusted. Cruel, stupid, willfully blind motherfuckers.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Well, I’ve heard it said that Trump is a classless man’s idea of high-class, so…

      • amrak63

        That makes it appropriate that he tried the casino business. IIRC, Las Vegas has been described as a monument to the working class’s ideas of how the rich live.

    • Boojum
      • Kooolest G

        you notice how they cropped that picture of melanoma right at the crotch so you couldn’t see that she has a …………….secret penis

        • thixotropic jerk

          Plus why do you think that Faux News Haterader is named Tuckher Carlson?!?! Bothsiderismpeniserkriting!!!11!1

          • Dudleydidwrong

            Carlson’s real name is Johnson. Or Wang.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Remember, ‘class’ = ‘white’ and would apply if the First Lady were Brandine Spuckler.

  • Kitsune

    Question 1: Why is Alex Jones so obsessed with secret penises, that he is seeing secret penises where there are no secret penises?
    Question 2: What IS a secret penis?
    Question 3: Could Alex Jones be obsessed with secret penises, because he, himself, HAS, a secret penis?
    Sorry I had to say “secret penises” so many times. It was for science.

    • Boojum

      It’s a penis no one ever sees. Except Alex, who literally sees penises under his bed.

      • amrak63

        Does it belong to Secret Squirrel?

        (“It” being the secret penis, not Alex Jones’s bed.)

  • Jesse

    What I got from this article:

    Alex Jones is feverishly searching for penises the size of cucumbers.

  • Perkniticky

    Regardless of fantom penises, one thing is definite – everyone, including me with my very stubby fingers – we all have bigger hands than Trumpie. Because he is a freak of nature.

  • Boojum

    SECRET MYSTERY PENISES!

    Collect the whole set.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Mary Todd, Eleanor and New for Labor Day: our Ladybird model!

  • TootsStansbury

    Maybe the bestest first lady ever does have a sekrit penis that she keeps in her nightstand. A great big one made of votes! And maybe she’ll read this post and go beat that greasy, fat, fucker about the head and shoulders with it.

  • reelreeler

    1. “57% Off Super Male Vitality” lol
    2. Bet real first lady Michelle’s hands are bigger than fake president Trumps hands ;)

  • harryr

    I have to say, Michelle’s brother looks like he will be quite the looker when he grows up.

    • Jukesgrrl

      You can check him out but make sure you like your men tall and bald. He played college basketball at Princeton and was head basketball coach at Brown and Oregon State Universities. He got an MBA and has been a bond trader so … $$$, too. You can tell he’s Michelle’s brother when he smiles.

  • JohnG123

    Joan Rivers a more important story , a Private investigator claims there may have been a massive cover-up surrounding her death — and official records hold the key to unveiling what really happened.

    The ear, nose and throat doctor who performed two unsanctioned procedures on Rivers, Dr. Gwen Korovin, was never listed in the medical record — and her identity may have remained a mystery except for a random note penned by the anesthesiologist! Korovin denies any wrongdoing.

    World-renowned forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht hasclaimed to be stunned by the clear-cut case of “negligence” by the doctors who allowed 19 critical minutes to pass before they began performing CPR on 81-year-old Rivers. Rivers’ doctors “failed to identify deteriorating vital signs.”

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      I’m guessing that the “massive cover-up surrounding her death” was part of the interment — like it normally is.

    • thixotropic jerk

      I believe the correct response to your multiple copy pasted twaddle is “cuckoofuck”

    • 81 year old woman has anesthesia and dies. No one can explain that!

    • MasRioBravoHombre

      I’m overwhelmed by the massive amounts of facts, data and links you provided to prove your fatuous horseshit. Well done.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht is, indeed, world renowned — everywhere except Pittsburgh where he practiced forensic pathology for years. Now that he is retired from Allegheny County and testifies as an expert witness for big bucks, he is known as a very creative person who can find evidence for whichever side pays the most. I sat on a jury once where he testified and let’s just be polite and say he was not credible enough for a Law & Order script.

  • Courser_Resistance

    If Michelle Obama has ‘man hands’, I must have catcher’s mitts or something.

    • The Flaming Carrot

      Moi, aussi. Especially after a 9-mile hike in the mountains. Also, she has better knees than I do.

  • amrak63

    Wasn’t “The Secret Penis” an old daytime soap opera?

    • Kitsune

      Nope. Masterpiece Mystery.

  • Blender_415

    Mmmmmmmm… hand porn. I’ll be in my bunk.

  • thixotropic jerk

    Didn’t we see this movie already? The Secret Policeman’s Bald Penis?

  • Fucking coward doing the people are saying thing so he doesn’t get sued.
    You hear me, Alex, you odious offal? You walking heart attack waiting to happen? You are a coward. A yapping pup has more actual courage than you will ever possess.

  • “Jones says he simply wants people to understand that not everything they are “told” is the truth.”

    This is how ALL conspiracy theory works. It never even tries to prove its crazy alternative facts – just to “question” and “point out holes” in the “official narrative”. The classic example of this is 9/11. If you can persuade people that something’s “off” about the officially agreed story – easy after decades when the MSM was easily manipulated by spooks and PR guys – it’s easy to make them think that “Bush did it / Ariel Sharon did it / hostile UFOs did it” is just as valid a story. Whichever appeals to their personal prejudices.

    It is also – and this is NO accident – how modern Russian and old-school KGB propaganda work. They’re smarter now – instead of a KGB monopoly on the media, now they have KGB stations which tell people what they want to hear and “simply poke holes” in stories of reputable media.

    What can be done about this?

    • Keep refuting it. Idiots will fall for it, nothing you can do about that part. But keep refuting it.

    • Permit-holder Ron

      Make people use their brains for something other than filtering the toxins out of their blood?

  • MasRioBravoHombre

    I just want to leave this for those interested:
    http://www.puppetryofthepenis.com

  • amrak63

    I don’t feel like searching through 600 comments to see if someone has posted this already.

    Maybe MO simply has a…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byDiILrNbM4

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Thanks! Have always loved this song.

  • arrrghle

    AW CUTE BABY MICHELLE OBAMA already gorgeous AWWWWW

    • Jukesgrrl

      I know! I never saw that baby picture … and look at her sweet brother with his hand protectively on her arm. The school pix is 100% Michelle. Quite a girly girl but completely comfortable with growing tall enough to play b-ball with the boys. I’m so proud she was our First Lady.

  • Permit-holder Ron

    I am tired and sore and irritable and a quart low cuz blood donor clinic. I wouldn’t watch that video on a bet.

  • ltmcdies

    So…. the Obamas took out Joan Rivers….meaning the Obamas have a hit team now too?
    Like Hillary? Really? So again I ask….HOW IS ANTHONY WEINER STILL BREATHING

    • Mike

      Huma has the dirt on Hillary so they had to call it off til she gives em the go ahead….you know it’s true…!

      • Serai 1

        Right. Because Huma is so dedicated to saving her man any embarrassment.

    • AZCardsFan85

      STFU… You’re getting wayyyyyyy to close to the truth, you keep on digging and soon the Obama’s will have the hitmen who killed Joan Rivers visit you. Drop it Watson!!!

  • Anita Ledford

    Oh Wow! She is so cute! Love my First Lady, not the goldigging trash we have now. Melon has a nasty mean look to her. No one likes her and she has no friends. She over-dresses for routine events and is nothing but social climbing euro trash. She will never be accepted by polite society.

  • Arthur Gane

    Well she does have bigger hands than the Donald but then so does all the adult world.
    She also has a bigger brain than the Donald, more style, is classier, more intelligent and has heaps more compassion.

  • irregardlessly

    First, Michelle Obama is a cisgender woman. Not sure why it matters, but she is.

    Second, it’s true that you can not 100% determine either someone’s gender or their biological sex just from looking at their hands. “Man hands” are not a thing that allows you to do that.

    That being said, of course “man hands” are a thing. While gender and sex are complicated, and there are bell curves for everything, I would venture an arbitrary guess and say that 90% of men’s hands have more distinctly “mannish” characteristics than 90% of women’s hands.

    It has nothing to do with long fingers, though. It’s the muscles on both sides of the hand (below the thumb and the pinky). They are far curvier on men’s hands, as a rule.

    Third, now that I’ve given my explanation of “man hands”, Michelle Obama’s hands seem completely prototypically feminine to me.

    • AZCardsFan85

      You can tell men and women hands apart by the bone structure and muscle definition, as well as size. Women has slender petite hands , even if they have really longer fingers their hands are petite and much more slender than a mans. Men have wider, bulkier hands with much bigger/wider wrists.
      Its extremely easy to tell apart the difference between a natural women and a tranny, the Adams apple gives the tranny away but the bigger tell is a Tranny’s hips compared to a natural women’s hips. Women have much skinnier heat shape hips while mens hips are wider and go straight down, Hip bone structure is something a tranny cannot hide or have surgically altered.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        dude, “tranny” is not cool around here. Neither is “retarded.”

        • AZCardsFan85

          Thanks but ill keep using the word Tranny , maybe I’ll even put the two together if I ever see a retarded tranny in the wild someday.

          I bet your head is just spinning right about now, you are going to have an awful lot to talk about with your therapist/physc dr come this next week.

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            keep it up and you’ll get to see the banhammer.

            Fun!

          • doktorzoom

            Oh, I don’t think you’ll keep using either term here. Not hardly at all.

            — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

          • The Flaming Carrot

            What is a “physc dr,” pray tell? If I ever need one, it won’t be because of some pathetic, illiterate Nazi.

  • MoeLarryAndJesus

    Going back 7 generations every single member of Alex Jones’s family has suffered from prolapsed rectums. Every single one. Explain that, Alex!

    • SKruetheratbassedarDs

      Okay, now you’ve done it. Leave Jones’ favorite alt-indie band (“the Prolapsed Rectums”) out of this . . . waaahhh, so unfair . . .their debut album “Shart-Ruse Raspberry” was a monster . . .

    • AZCardsFan85

      According to Alex Jones not one BUT BOTH SIDES of his Family arrived here on the Mayflower, both fought in the civil war as high ranking generals & his Family on BOTH SIDES helped found the STATE OF TEXAS & The City of Austin ILMAO!!!!! What are the odds that both sides of your family would not only date back to the 1st Americans to step foot in America, but would also be Generals in the civil war and High ranking founders of the state of Texas?? Im thinking slim to none, the fact he tells YUUUUGE lies like this and thinks other people believe them just shows how much of a narcissist he is. Its like the stories he tells of him beating up 10-15 guys at once , just flat out lies his fat ass gets winded and their videos on the net of other men stepping up to him & he cowardly walks away. Jones is a pathological liar with a microphone, I think he makes shit up because he feels inadequate, so he tells lies about how tuff he is & how big of a man he is to make himself feel better.

  • Hell, and here I thought EVERYONE hid their genitalia from Alex Jones, secret or otherwise. Is it just me, then? Anyone else hiding their genitals from Alex Jones? Just me?

    • Kitsune

      The only person who maybe wasn’t, has divorced him, so… yeah.

      • Maybe wasn’t. At least, towards the end, was, and probably sorry she eve didn’t always.

  • Mike

    My guess is penis envy of some sort…all these limp dick assholes are infatuated with gays and transsexuals but in a very unhealthy way.

    • AZCardsFan85

      It’s well known that most people who hate on Homosexuals who are oddly offended by Homosexually are usually gay themselves 99.9% of the time. Everyone at some point in their life has had a friend or known someone that constantly talked crap about how disgusting gay guys are & crap like that, that friend and people who talk like that are usually closeted homo’s themselves who hate themselves & cannot deal with the fact they are Gay.
      I don’t understand people like that, I personally could care less what other people do in their bedroom, I don’t get why people hate other people just because of who they choose to sleep with and be with, you’d have to be an extremely ignorant low IQ individual to hate people just because of who they chose to sleep with.

      • Husband Of Mrs God

        What about these truths AJ has told, I’d like to hear a couple. Reported them, or repeated/referenced them to establish rapport?
        One of the most important propaganda tools, to get people to listen, is to mention a truth or a commonly held belief. A “you know, right?” thought.
        I don’t think I ever want to deliberately tune AJ. Does he ever tell the truth throughout an entire spiel, or is it always at least partially BS?
        I heard some Limbaugh 30 years ago before I caught on. Buddy up to the listener, then spout some RW BS.

        • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

          IKR?

  • AZCardsFan85

    Alex Jones is spot on regarding globalism and tells the truth on many other subjects bringing them to light , but, every now & then he talks about stupid shit like this dumb Michelle Obama story & its stories like this that discredit him & the good work he does when he promotes obvious flat out lies like this. When he promotes crap like this Michelle is a tranny story it makes him look retarded and its why serious people won’t take him seriously, if he would stop promoting baseless lies this a lot more people would listen to his show, visit his site and take him seriously as a serious newsman.

    • jziglar

      I think this is a good comment. We can have different political views and beliefs on policy but making up crazy stuff should be condemned not matter your political views. I haven’t always agreed with plenty of former presidents but I don’t think it’s right to attack their spouses or children. And making up crazy conspiracy theories about them makes you look like a complete nut job. I agree with you.

      • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i would be interested in any subject or incident in which alex jones “tells the truth.”

        like, name one.

        • Husband Of Mrs God

          Inquiring minds are standing by.

        • jziglar

          LOL! Well the whole gay frogs conspiracy and lizard people was the truth. LMAO! The guy has been totally off the deep end for a long time.

          • TEX Dept. of Space Tacos

            IKR?
            I was watching him on cable access in austin back in teh 90’s.

          • amrak63

            Is Pepe one of those gay frogs?

          • bbayliss

            Wait, you mean lizard people aren’t real?

          • jziglar

            Actually Jones might be a lizard person. It would be wrong for me not to speculate. LOL!

    • Husband Of Mrs God

      Huh?

  • AZCardsFan85

    All Jones does is LIE!!!!!!! According to Alex Jones not one BUT BOTH SIDES of his Family arrived here on the Mayflower, both fought in the civil war as high ranking generals & his Family on BOTH SIDES helped found the STATE OF TEXAS & The City of Austin ILMAO!!!!! What are the odds that both sides of your family would not only date back to the 1st Americans to step foot in America, but would also be Generals in the civil war and High ranking founders of the state of Texas?? Im thinking slim to none, the fact he tells YUUUUGE lies like this and thinks other people believe them just shows how much of a narcissist he is. Its like the stories he tells of him beating up 10-15 guys at once , just flat out lies his fat ass gets winded and their videos on the net of other men stepping up to him & he cowardly walks away. Jones is a pathological liar with a microphone, I think he makes shit up because he feels inadequate, so he tells lies about how tuff he is & how big of a man he is to make himself feel better.

  • Maybe

    MIchelle doesn’t have man hands any more than Trump does.

  • Viktor

    Why is Alex Jones so obsessed with penises?

    • E.A. Blair

      Maybe ’cause he doesn’t have one (classic penis envy)?

    • MasRioBravoHombre

      Because his is pencil thin, and about as long as his thumb.

    • Serai 1

      It’s a rightwing thing. They all fantasize about being choked by great big dicks, preferably black.

  • jziglar

    Thank you for calling out this stupidity. You can find numerous pictures of Michelle as a baby and little girl, and Malia and Sasha look just like Barack and Michelle. A good mix of features from both parents and actually Malia is looking more and more like Michelle . This has to be one of the dumbest things I’ve heard, and the only “proof” these idiots have is a few clearly photo shopped images of Michelle with a fake bulge in her pants and a fake video claiming Barack called Michelle Michael when it’s obvious that Obama is talking about Admiral Michael Mullen who was retiring as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs at his goodbye celebration ceremony.

  • Marguerite Garcia

    The scary part is this is what REAL news looks like to conservatives…

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    Thusly is it proven.

  • WhoCheckedRussia’sVoterID

    Michelle Obama is a strong, powerful, incredibly beautiful black woman.

  • no matter what is a nig ger that should be lynched.

  • Suse

    I found AJ’s parents and family tree on ancestry.com. They were kind of attractive in high school. His dad’s a dentist. Wonder what they think of him.

  • WomanInThePersistence

    I so miss the Obamas.

    https://youtu.be/UZO5q0B5wfw

    • Suse

      Pure class all the way, plus so nice. Agent Orange and Melon are tacky poseurs.

  • amrak63

    Just stay gone, George.

    Don’t make us CALL THE YANDERE…

    http://i.imgur.com/8nTZpQr.jpg

  • Teto85
    • H0mer0

      Michelle looks stunning in that color (as well as all the other colors)

  • BFD

    Her hands are definitely larger that Dump’s, and were she to have a penis, it would undoubtedly be larger than his.

  • BeachLoafer

    Hmmm, how do we know Robyn isn’t just like Michelle, a man masquerading as a woman?

    * Somebody has probably called her “Robin,” which can be a man’s name.

    * She has “man hands” just like Michelle, and goes to great lengths to demonstrate they’re “normal” (as if).

    * She has worn pants “like that” that look just like Michelle’s pants that might contain a penis.

    Why isn’t Alex Jones all over this?!?!?

    • H0mer0

      (I misread the beginning of the fourth line as “She has worm pants..”)
      I briefly had a theory that I was a gay man in a woman’s body because of my delight in bathroom humor and familiarity with musical theater, but I’m not much of a fan of receptive anal intercourse (irritable bowel issues.)
      With regard to Robyn, I thought Roosh was already on the case, at least as far as character assassination goes.

  • glennisw

    “Jones says he simply wants people to understand that not everything they are “told” is the truth. His viewers may want to take that into consideration themselves.”

    Yup

  • AndreWaters20

    If Michelle Obama were a man, how did she have her kids? Did she squeeze them out of her asshole through a miracle of an anatomical mutation? Alex Jones is f***ing cray.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I think Mrs. Obama can take Alex Jones in a fight. And I don’t think he would last 10 rounds like Conor did last night.

      • Fritz1964

        She would knock him back to the 1890s. Oh wait.

  • Ann Linderman

    There’s a book on Amazon titled “Michelle Obama: A Photographic Journey>” Believe it or not, one of the “reviews” actually reads like this:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/64546327f24af496fce707bde07a355516a0365b16abb51d86844758cbd77afc.jpg

    I even tracked down Amazon’s phone number to complain about this and ask that it be removed. As of five minutes ago (when I made this screenshot) it’s still there. Beyond disgusting.

    • Fritz1964

      Might need to do a 30 minute boycott. That will cost them millions!

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Alex Jones is the reason God is punishing Texas with a giant invisible rabbit. Opps, I mean Hurricane.

  • mfp, all 6s&7s&9s

    Wow, robyn…your fingers are really long! I’m a long-time guitar player (and a dam good one at that), but i’d vote-kill for to have fingers like that

    Also, thanks for the tip on the peel-off base coat

  • John McLaughlin

    Alex has a good gig going….making money from disinformation and anger. Amazing that people buy his BS.

    • Fritz1964

      It’s not just the BS, but his stunning array of products!

  • Fritz1964

    Only Alex’s ex-wife can answer the question posed in the headline…

  • pwlsax

    “YOU HAVE A PEEN LADY”
    “NO I DON’T SHUT UP IDIOT”
    ‘AHA FINAL PROOF YOU HAVE A PEEN!!1!”

  • lostinLibtardistan

    the video LEAVES ZERO DOUBT, Michelle is a hermaphrodite

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