We were not going to say anything about this thing Anthony Scaramucci, who was White House Communications Director for literally HOURS, tweeted Wednesday night:
“It’s too easy,” thought we. If you know nothing else about him, you know that Anthony Scaramucci is DUMB. This is a guy who asked, “What would Joe Paterno do?” with a STRAIGHT FACE. He compared himself and former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus to “Cain and Abel,” because you know some brothers are just like that. Boys will be boys, after all!
In accusing Ryan Lizza — who taped his on-the-record phone conversation with Scaramucci like a common reporter from the New Yorker, BECAUSE HE IS ONE — of being the Linda Tripp of 2017, did he even know what he was saying? First of all, Tripp was a government employee (not a reporter) who recorded her conversations with Monica Lewinsky IN SECRET, because of how she despised the Clintons, whereas Ryan Lizza is, again, A REPORTER, who, again, had an on-the-record phone chat with a mouth-frothing Anthony Scaramucci, who talked about how President Steve Bannon sucks his own cock and called Reince Priebus a “paranoiac,” and so on and so forth. It was a very embarrassing conversation.
An ON-THE-RECORD very embarrassing conversation. (For the record, Scaramucci still is clinging to his belief that Lizza did NOT have his permission to tape their ON-THE-RECORD conversation. Regardless, as Ashley Feinberg of Wired points out on Twitter, DC is a one-party consent jurisdiction, which means shut up, Anthony.)
But in saying Lizza is the Linda Tripp of 2017, doesn’t that mean Anthony Scaramucci is the Monica Lewinsky of 2017? And if so, are his blue dresses stained, from doing blow-penises to Donald Trump? We are just asking! And it’s a reasonable question, because Anthony Scaramucci, king of metaphors, served it right up for us.
But we weren’t going to say anything.
Then, this morning, Monica Lewinsky tweeted about it, and we changed our mind:
When Anthony Scaramucci took his job at the White House, a few hours before he was fired from his job at the White House, we made MANY JOKES about how he spent his first press conference gushing and cooing over how he “loves the president, he loves him, the way he wears his hair, the stylish clothes he wears, HE LOVES HIM LIKE XO!” They were supposed to be just #jokes!
But now he’s Monica Lewinsky? Did he love the president TOO MUCH, and then Ryan Lizza ruined it for him?
Also too, we have a bone to pick with the second part of his tweet, about how Ryan “Linda Tripp” Lizza is “up at night not being able to live with himself,” because it’s almost certainly NOT TRUE. This is like when Donald Trump tweets that the Russia investigation is a hoax, or when he claims people love him. It’s sad and delusional and pathetic. A quick gander at Lizza’s Twitter feed shows that he still has his report on his crazy bonkers conversation with Scaramucci as his pinned tweet, which decidedly does not suggest he is “up at night not being able to live with himself.” It’s probably more like he’s up at night not being able to stop GIGGLING ABOUT THIS.
Oh, dear Ant’nee — can we call you Ant’nee? Sara Benincasa did and we thought it was funny so yeah, we can — if it’s true that Ryan Lizza is the Linda Tripp of 2017, which means by extension you are the Monica Lewinsky of 2017, we suggest you take all your dresses to the cleaners, and also maybe stop by your local Planned Parenthood, because you never know where Trump’s jangly bits have been.
We are just saying.
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