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sexual healing, baby

Oh dear child! Do you really want to know the answer to that question? Why can’t we just stick with the story I told you about how the stork was doing opioids the day Trump campaign surrogates Jason Miller and A.J. Delgado banged each other pragnet?

Fine, I will tell you.

Sometimes, when a gross married Trump surrogate man with a giant head, a bizarrely manicured neckbeard and literally no mouth to speak of casts his eyes upon a weird and loud Trump surrogate lady who kind of resembles a rejected Muppet from hell, his Down Theres will get VERY EXCITED. And even though Neckbeard McGrossFace has a wife, the lady Muppet Trump surrogate may get very excited in HER Down Theres, because of his raw, irresistible sexual magnetism. Don’t worry, you’ll understand when you are older.

Regardless, this just proves what Mommy always has said, about how no matter how physically unattractive you think you are, there will always somebody who will want to have an illicit affair with you during the Trump campaign.

The large-faced man and the over-grown Muppet Baby will bat their eyelashes at each other, exchange flirtatious text messages, and so forth, and one night in Las Vegas after their boss Mr. Donald Trump gets slayed by Hillary Clinton in a debate, they will go to a strip club together to celebrate, as strip clubs are the official meeting place of presidential candidates who like to grab them by the pussy. There will be booze and boobies everywhere! You see, for babies, boobies are where the food comes from, but grown-ups like boobies in a different sort of way.

Anyway! Did we mention the chunky chipmunk dude’s wife is already pregnant while he is off watching strip-nasty with the Muppet lady? Well, she is. But don’t worry about that, because this is a story about HOW LOVE HAPPENS.

So the beefy squirrel man and the shouting Muppet lady will leave the strip club and retire to his boudoir, where she can do French kisses to his neck hair. Afterward, they will take off ALL THEIR PANTIES, so he can put his penis in her vagina for six or seven seconds, ten at the upper end, because this is how grown-up Trump campaign surrogates show affection. Don’t giggle! “Penis” and “vagina” are the real scientific names for those parts. You’re far too old to be calling them weenuses and woo-woos.

Anyway, three months later out will pop a baby! Not from the Muppet lady, of course, but from the overgrown woodchuck man’s wife, because remember, she was pregnant already. She was almost two-thirds of the way through her own pregnancy when Daddy drunk-fiddled that lady’s frontal badonkadonk!

Neither of these people will actually ever get to work in the White House, because #ObviousReasons.

But six months after THAT, another baby will be born, and it will be called William, and it will be the #blessing that came from the sacred bumping of uglies by two paid Trump surrogates, and it will all be OK. Of course, the baby’s daddy will only talk to mommy through her lawyer, and daddy will release a statement saying he and his whole family, including his wife, are very happy about the birth of the holy Trump lovechild, which is probably a lie, but that’s just how things go sometimes. The second child will likely grow up feeling like a common Tiffany Trump.

If they had done it in the butt, none of this ever would have happened.

And thus endeth the lesson!

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[PageSix]

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  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Sometimes, when a gross married Trump surrogate man with a giant head, a bizarrely manicured neckbeard and literally no mouth to speak of casts his eyes upon a weird and loud Trump surrogate lady who kind of resembles a rejected Muppet from hell, his Down Theres will get VERY EXCITED. And even though Neckbeard McGrossFace has a wife, the lady Muppet Trump surrogate may get very excited in HER Down Theres, because of his raw, irresistible sexual magnetism. Don’t worry, you’ll understand when you are older.

    I’m older than I care to admit and I don’t understand. EW…

    • Try maryjunewanna.

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Maryjunewanna cracker?

      • dslindc

        Uh, maryjunewanna’s bad, mmmmmkay?

  • Serious buttsex Libelz!!2!

    Something beautiful (with enough lube) and here you’ve gone and made it dirty…

  • BJW
  • Lazy Media

    Whoa, hey, you guys! There’s XXX video of them doing it!

    https://youtu.be/vbXzpoH6m2c

  • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

    I find this difficult to fap to. Really, really difficult.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Just lean back and squint.

      • SeeTrain65

        “Like A.J. did.”

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Just close your eyes and imagine two other people enjoying one another, two people whom you admire. One could even be you. (Requires that you forget the two in this story.)

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      You still have a penis that hasn’t inverted from reading this? LUXURY

  • Bill D. Burger

    Jason Miller….and…………..sex………..?????????? Yuuuuuuuk….
    No image….mind shutting down…..

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/oh-shi.gif

  • Well, I’m celibate now. Anyone know of a good monastery near Los Angeles?

    • Resistance Ftr PuckStopsHere

      Go to wherever it is the Chargers are going to be playing. You’ll be alone there.

  • TJ Barke

    I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing this… Now I have been robbed of that particular blissful ignorance.

    • BJW

      That part of our brains has been permanently damaged.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Not my most eloquent comment ever, but his mouth looks like the hairy dirty asshole to his fat ass face.

    Also, for the last time, goatees do not compensate for lacking a chin.

  • MynameisBlarney

    Sorry, not sorry. But that is gonna be an ugly ass kid.

    • laughingnome

      You can never tell. Steven Tyler begat Liv.

      • MynameisBlarney

        True, but I bet Liv’s mom is right purty too.

        • laughingnome

          Miss November 1974 or something. Not that I would know since I only read the articles.

          • puredog
          • Wild Cat

            1974: Wow!

            2017: She didn’t shave!

          • MynameisBlarney

            Yeah…that will likely get deleted.

          • Wild Cat

            I’m enjoying it at work because even though we produce tons of awful ‘erotic fiction,’ they block porn sites.

          • SeeTrain65

            Yes. That’s exactly who it is.

            Bunk. You know the rest.

      • Thiazin Red

        My freshman year roommate was gorgeous despite having parents who were very much not. Its possible to wind up with all the recessive genes.

    • dshwa

      Sometimes, when people on the bottom rung of ugly make a baby, it falls off and goes to the top, like a wrap around video game screen.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Can’t argue with science.

      • BearGHAZI

        How come Neal DeGrasse Tyson never discusses this on COSMOS? I smell a conspiracy

      • Maggielle

        Darn. I wish I’d known this before I decided not to make a babby ever! No wait, I don’t. But maybe this babby has an excellent auntie or even grandma who will help him grow up right and then we will maybe agree that he turned out cute. You never know! Hopeandchange.

    • Ricky Gay

      Shame on your post! This is not how babby should be forumed!!!

  • BadKitty904

    I don’t own a pet chimp. That’s my baby.

  • BadKitty904

    I wouldn’t have thought it’s humanly possible to get that drunk.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Either you pass out and die or you run out of lights to turn off. It is unpossible.

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      In a thread made of win, you are surely the winningest

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Yes, alcohol poisoning is Mother Nature’s way of preventing this. Not 100%, though.

    • BJW

      I haven’t eaten much today (still sick) and this story has reduced my appetite. Blech.

      • BadKitty904

        I certainly feel the need for a shower.

    • Fancy Meau-Faux

      I’m assuming you are referring to the woman, since most guys are “any port in a storm” given the right circumstances.

      • Frank Underboob

        If she wasn’t a Trumpkin, she’d be okay.

    • Frank Underboob

      She had to have been unconscious at the time; I mean, just look at that guy’s face. Sure, I’m biased because I’m a het man, but even so, I can’t even imagine a women wanting to have sex with that, short of industrial-grade hallucinogens.

      • BadKitty904

        Love ain’t THAT blind.

  • laughingnome

    This makes me nauseous in my weenus area.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • wide_stance_hubby

    The mating habits of Republicans will always sicken me.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Anyway! Did we mention the chunky chipmunk dude’s wife is already pregnant while he is off watching strip-nasty with the Muppet lady? Well, she is.

    EW EW EW EW EW &etc.

  • theblackdog

    Sure Evan, if they had done it in the butt none of this would have happened, but we know that butt stuff is not Pence Approved.

  • Evan,

    Well done. For a brief second I almost felt something akin to empathy or compassion for your protagonists. It passed as quickly as he came.

    RM

  • arglebargle

    I’ll be burning my bunk as it is no longer needed.

  • That Trump Love Baby on the right looks like she’s 3 Moscow Mules short of a free Therapy session…
    https://media3.giphy.com/media/13lU87TkZIAJ7q/giphy.gif

  • Indiepalin

    I assume they weren’t facing each other when this deed was done

    • dshwa

      They did it doggy, so they could both see Trump on the TV.

      • BJW

        HURGH! (more vomiting)

  • Bill D. Burger

    “When you lie down with dogs___you get covfefe.”

  • kindness

    I am creeped out just wondering what kind of things these two yelled out in the moments (seconds?) of passion.

    • NastyBossetti

      Pretty sure it was, “MAGA! MAGA!! MAGA!!!!!!”

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Make Adultery Gross Again!

    • laughingnome

      Jesus you’re fucking irritating!

      • NastyBossetti

        Aw, those are the same sweet nothings of passion MrBossetti says to me. Romance!

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Then use more lube, dammit!

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

    • Vincent Ricola

      The doctor says it’s not contagious!

    • MynameisBlarney

      “Entitled Liberals!”
      “East Coast Elites!”

      “TRICKLE DOWN ECOOOONOOOOOMICS!!!!”

      • NastyBossetti

        Gross. And well-played.

    • laughingnome

      Is it in yet?!!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Thanks, Obama?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Is it in yet? Is it in yet?

    • proudgrampa

      Keep looking, Sherlock!

  • BreakingDeadMen

    You left out the part about roofies. Roofies are almost certainly involved when this man puts his penis anywhere outside of his pants. Including his hand, possibly.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • dslindc

      Or any food, also too. 🤢

      • BJW

        I’m sick, but I wasn’t nauseous until I read this story. Ugh.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Dear Adulterous Dopes: Birth Control or Self Control. Try to use at least one, though using both is the best plan.

    • Crystalclear12

      Hey, you’re supposed to applaud her deciding to have the little bastard like God intended!!

      Or something. . .

  • Crystalclear12

    I’m still try to figure out which one was the pity fuck. . . ?
    Can it both of them?

    So confused. . .

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I mostly feel sorry for the kid.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      AOT,K

    • BreakingDeadMen

      Hate fucks for all my friends.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Who would have thought a lady Trumpkin would have terrible taste in men?

  • moeman

    Make tRump godfather again.

  • Joe Beese
    • BreakingDeadMen

      See, irony ISN’T dead. In fact, this proves it’s THRIVING.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Irony isn’t dead — she’s passed out in the corner, near the stack of empty bourbon bottles.

    • dshwa

      Irony has died so many times this year I named my new Dark Souls 3 character after her.

    • Panika MCD

      worst. motivational. speaker. ever.

      I mean 2 hours after his first tweet he thinks, “better call him a deadbeat.” and then another four hours go by and he thinks, “better call him a shrill baby man.” in 6-8 hours he will say he “something or othered McConnell like a dog”.

  • arglebargle
  • Vincent Ricola

    I find it very hard to believe that Jason Miller has the parts necessary to have sex when sky god didn’t even bother giving him a neck.

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      That’s not very nice! Just because he can’t see them….

  • Bill D. Burger
    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Jesus Lord have Mercy

      • proudgrampa

        That is something beyond Jesus’ mercy…

  • WotsAllThisThen

    If only they’d gone to Planned Parenthood.

  • Anna Rompage

    Neck beard? What neck?

    I thought that was just his chest hair that extended up to his mouth…

    • BJW

      Some guys can do the neck beard and be hot. (Admittedly they would be hot no matter what.) Not this dude.

    • FlownΩver

      “…just his chest pubic hair that extended up to his mouth…”

      There. All better.

  • Wild Cat

    At least in Gestalt Therapy, they only banged up ugly pillows.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    But, for some time now even they have realized they should probably shut up about licentious liberals, so, good news?

    • Beanz&Berryz

      They never do shut up about that…

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        I dunno, it’s seemed kinda quiet lately. But then I don’t watch a lot of Pat Robertson, so…

  • Thiazin Red
  • Dudleydidwrong

    I was told way, way back that I was found under a cabbage leaf. From the photos I find it difficult to determine which one is the head of cabbage. (This sex stuff is scary.)

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Silly, babies don’t come from head.

    • Thiazin Red

      I wonder if I’m the only kid who never really cared. I don’t think I ever once asked how my siblings came to be.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    The “Special Hug” never felt less special…

    • Panika MCD

      their mommies told them so!

  • Marion in Savannah

    Oh, Lordy — that’s just magnificent! (Although I think my howling may have unnerved the cats a bit.)

  • whitroth

    She’s not a baby Muppet. But I know who she wishes she looked like, and yes, Janis is *hot* (for a Muppet)….

    • Panika MCD

      she could be the compost pile from Fraggle Rock!

    • SkinlessGenderlessMan

      “Janis is *hot* (for a Muppet)….”

      FTFY.

  • laughingnome

    AJ was taking a pole at the strip club.

  • BadKitty904
  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    Don’t worry, you’ll understand when you are older.

    I’m on the backside of 30 and I don’t understand it.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “…the backside of 30…” Are we talking buttsechs here? You have good reason to brag, my man.

    • BJW

      I’m on the back side of 60. I don’t get it!

  • weejee

    As Evan said, they needed moar buttsechs and less puddy pawing.

    / ‘scusies while I go throw-up for a few hours

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    I feel bad for William. I hope he never reads this.

    • laughingnome

      Good thing Wonkette doen’t allow comments. Those are worse.

    • dshwa

      To be fair, what his mom’s probably going to be saying about his dad is far worse.

  • Panika MCD

    please tell me they have more attractive people to play these two in the movie.

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      If they don’t it will have to be classified as horror.

      • Panika MCD

        is the on screen chemistry as good as the off screen chemistry?

        • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

          Oil and water would have better chemistry.

    • Randy Riddle

      I’m not sure that there are other human beings with heads shaped like that. At least, none that survived outside the womb.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Alex Jones has big ol’ fat noggin too.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Sorry, but it’s Alex Jones and his sex doll.

      • Panika MCD

        the ex sex doll or the current one?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      there’s a reason they call it bumping uglies

      • Panika MCD

        can’t that be a movie about pick pockets with face tattoos?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    More of those family values that the GOP is always carping about

    • laughingnome

      More family members

  • jowgajen

    Don’t worry, you’ll understand when you are older.

    Yeah, probably not, actually.

  • MynameisBlarney

    You’d think with a noggin that fuckin’ massive, his eyes would be a bit further apart.

    • laughingnome

      His father was part bowling ball

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        and part Macy’s float

    • BadKitty904

      Carving a pumpkin ain’t easy, buster…

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Could be a birth accident. I know I would not be able to resist clamping the forceps just a little longer than was really needed if I saw that coming out.

  • lucidamente

    so he can put his penis in her vagina for six or seven seconds, ten at the upper end

    Either way, it lasted longer than Scaramucci’s White House career.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    We’ve finally found a worse love story than Twilight

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      *golf clap*

    • laughingnome

      Twilight of the Odds?

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Wow, the excellence of all the comments makes thinking about Miller having sex almost worth it.

        • laughingnome

          Sex, no matter how disgusting the people, brings out the best in us.

          • (((fka_donnie_d)))

            Truer words…

          • dshwa

            It’s really our forte

          • Ricky Gay

            we can make lemonade outa anything! Wait, what?!

          • Frank Underboob

            That’s probably what Trump told those Russian sex workers.

        • Frank Underboob

          Almost.

      • Covfefe

        No golden ring this time.

        • (((fka_donnie_d)))

          Maybe a golden shower, if you’re a good boy

    • dshwa

      https://www.google.com/search?q=applause+gifs&oq=applause+gifs&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l3.10606j0j4&client=ms-android-verizon&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#imgrc=Fo5v3cM6C76w1M:

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        No put google search link, put link to pikcher

        • dshwa

          Trying. Phone not cooperate

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            lol, I knew what ya meant

    • Frank Underboob

      LOL. Well played.

  • proudgrampa

    I’m 66 years old and I’m not sure that I even understood that.

    • goingohm

      Yeah, it ain’t just the peace of God that surpasseth all understanding.

  • ManchuCandidate

    50 Shades of Ew

  • WIDTAP

    I thought Scaramucci was going to get the “Ironic Father of the Year Award” for missing out on his child’s birth to attend a Boy Scout Jamboree with The Donald. However, Miller’s skipping out on his wife’s childbirth AND his baby mama’s child birth has to be the winner.

  • Thiazin Red

    To be fair, this is slightly less trashy than how my parents got together. With my parents it was bowling and not a strip club, but my father was my mothers husband at the time’s best friend. Also, in this story no one has shown up with a gun yet.

  • BadKitty904

    FAMILY VALUES!!!” “PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!!!”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    My god, the woman has really shitty taste in men!

  • Bill D. Burger

    As an aside, if this had happened in the Obama administration, Rightie woowoos and Con pundits and the Bagger media would spend a year of full, foaming-at-the-mouth coverage on it…..and demand investigations.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cf1b4f91471bbf085e7c97f8297e667ecb99cfbc92f64f8f068f72da38d81be6.jpg

  • jesterpunk

    Damn if those 2 can find people to marry them and other people that want to bump uglies with them what excuse do the Incel crowd have?

    • dshwa

      Incels all look like him but think they deserve way better looking than her.

  • “If they had done it in the butt, none of this ever would have happened.” will be on my headstone.

    Edit: It would also make a suitable forward for many a novel…

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      I feel it would be a suitable epitaph for a lot of people who regrettably existed.

      • NastyBossetti

        Like Donald Trump.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Really the best moral for buttsechs ever…

    • laughingnome

      Lost my afternoon coffee

    • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

      Yahweh’s do-over: “Adam and Steve – problem solved!”

      • BadKitty904

        Ha! Beat me to it!

    • BadKitty904

      Said every gay man ever.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      It was a dark and stormy a-hole….

  • Beanz&Berryz
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Greedo is a good guy. Really. After all, he did not shoot first!

      • Beanz&Berryz

        And not Muppet lady has brown eyes, not blue, so maybe they’re just cousins.

  • weejee
  • Villago Delenda Est

    And thus endeth the lesson!

    I read this in Sean Connery’s voice…

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Ansh thush endedsh the lesshon. Sh.

    • arglebargle

      “I’ll take Ape Tit for $200 Alex.”

  • Stories like this almost make me look forward to the coming nuclear apocalypse

    • Rick Hill

      That’s “nuculer”

    • BadKitty904

      It certainly givs you an idea of the genetic impact.

  • jesuswasablack

    That fucking Jason Miller looks like a cheap made in Taiwan inflatable sex toy with a bad goatee? How the fuck can he look at that puss in the mirror decide to keep man-scaping that rodent hair on his little chinny chin chin?
    https://i0.wp.com/therightscoop.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/jason-miller-1324.jpeg?resize=800%2C387

    • laughingnome

      I swear he looks like the overworked foreman in Santa’s toy factory in Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer

    • Thiazin Red

      Is it some lame attempt to make it look like he has a chin? You’re not fooling anyone with that no chin douche bag.

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Jesus christ. It’s like someone crossbred a potato with a thumb and drew a goatee on with sharpee.

      • dshwa

        Mr. Potato head libel!

    • BadKitty904

      Aren’t jaw-implants covered under Obamacare?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      the goatee is to mark the spot- inert penis here

    • Yellerduck

      Give him a break. He doesn’t have much to work with to begin with and nothing can really make it that much better or worse.

    • Oblios_Cap

      It’s the old joke:
      I had a face like yours so I grew a beard.
      And the response:
      I had a beard like yours so I shaved.

    • HogeyeGrex
      • Msgr_MΩment

        Embraceable Ewe.

      • FlownΩver

        Gene Wilder LIBELZ!!11!1!!!!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      “I’d like to buy a chin, Pat.”

  • Johnny Appleseed

    Republicans and their “moral-majority” act sure make me laugh sometimes. They claim the moral-majority but are neither.

  • Joe Beese
    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Only missing the “And another thing!..”

      • Shucky Ducky

        “Hold my KFC…”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s funny because it’s true!

  • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

    SIlly, ladies don’t have Down Theres, that’s why you call them “Mother”.

    • jesterpunk

      But what would Trump grab her by?

      • MynameisBlarney

        The covfefes?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        noon? One o’clock at the latest…

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Have we discussed how fucking weird a term of endearment that is for the person you at least ostensibly fuck?

      • Covfefe

        Don’t take this the wrong way, but when we got our first puppy, who was planned, he was baby dog, I was daddy dog and my wife was mommy dog.

  • Johnny Appleseed

    Wait just a (can I still say “cotton-picking”) minute….isn’t that Devin Fucktard Nunes? Oh, the one on the left.

  • bbayliss

    Kids, PAY ATTENTION!
    “If they had done it in the butt, none of this ever would have happened.”

  • BadKitty904

    It’s as if Jacqueline Susann wrote an H. P. Lovecraft story…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ah, the greats!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      The tentacles of the dolls…

      • SeeTrain65

        “Valley of the RealDolls.”

        • Mehmeisterjr

          “Valley of the Rubber Love Dolls with Pulsating Vaginas (batteries not included.)

    • therblig

      and no russ meyer to make the film version. life sucks sometimes.

      • BadKitty904

        I don’t want to see ANY version of this.

    • SeeTrain65
      • Msgr_MΩment

        I’ve seen enough Cthulhu pr0n to….um…..

  • Covfefe

    No big. Just two more fucking Republicans.

    • BadKitty904

      Except, “each other,” rather than “America”.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They’re the only people who will fuck them.

  • JustPixelz (((Ω)))

    Conservatives don’t have the same morals as Real Americans™. HA HA I am making with the snark. Or am I?

    The red states of the Deep South really do look worse by almost every social metric than the country as a whole, including income, life expectancy, educational attainment and family structure. This gap is not simply a racial gap, as some readers have suggested. Whites in the Deep South also tend to struggle, relative to whites elsewhere.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/13/upshot/red-vs-blue-america-on-marriage.html

  • Oblios_Cap

    Surely the back of her head looks better than the front. Or maybe not. Maybe that’s why she got preggers.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Roger Stone libelz!

  • The face of the poor hotel maid who walked in on them:

    http://i.imgur.com/y63uVfS.gif

  • jesterpunk

    WTF, Trump spokesNazi is attacking Tillerson now.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2017/08/10/more-drama-in-trumpland-gorka-publicly-shuns-tillersons-effort-to-scale-back-north-korea-red-line/?utm_term=.ccfbeb162f4a

    For those worried that President Trump might get into nuclear war with North Korea, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson provided some solace Wednesday. “Americans should sleep well at night,” Tillerson said, tempering Trump’s promise to unleash “fire and fury” on North Korea if it continued to threaten the United States. Tillerson emphasized that no conflict was imminent.

    But now another Trump administration voice is suggesting that we shouldn’t pay Tillerson much mind.

    Sebastian Gorka appeared on BBC radio Thursday and delivered one of the most aggressive takes to date on what Trump might do — even allowing that a mere threat from North Korea could be construed as an act of war, as Trump seemed to do earlier this week. In doing so, Gorka played down Tillerson’s role in all of this.

    “You should listen to the president; the idea that Secretary Tillerson is going to discuss military matters is simply nonsensical,” Gorka said in a recording shared with The Washington Post. “It is the job of Secretary Mattis, the secretary of defense, to talk about the military options, and he has done so unequivocally. He said, ‘Woe betide anyone who militarily challenges the United States,’ and that is his portfolio. That is his mandate. Secretary Tillerson is the chief diplomat of the United States, and it is his portfolio to handle those issues.”

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Ya, this is a military issue, we’re just waiting for it to start. Talking is done. And, well, what’s Porky’s job title?

      • jesterpunk

        He is the official SpokesNazi, the other Nazis are doing other things like golfing.

      • Covfefe

        Remember when Colin Powell was chairman of the Joint Chiefs and the Big Dog was thinking about boots on the ground in Bosnia and those places near it? Powell told Clinton “We don’t do mountains.” Army learned that lesson in Korea.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        This is a guy who has no time in uniform on his CV.

    • FakeDrNazi sez whut?

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I’m pretty sure Donnie is convinced that WWIII is the only way he gets out of the Mueller probe

    • The Librarian

      Gorka thinks he sounds intelligent, but all I hear is wretched prose.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        To be fair, “simply nonsensical” is a perfect description of Trump policy across the board.

    • Johnnymoreno

      The only time for SOS to talk about military matters is when she’s murdering Americans in BENGHAIIIIII!!!!’

    • beingreleased

      Tillerson’s comments might give some comfort if I thought he’s ever talked to Trump. Actually, they wouldn’t comfort me then either, but my point is I don’t think Trump has ever spoken with Tillerson (or Niki Haley, for that matter).

      • jesterpunk

        Yeah i would agree, they both say things then Trump directly contradicts both of them within minutes.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      So, if Trump threatens North Korea (and he has, Lord has he ever), could that be construed as an act of war?

      • jesterpunk

        Pretty sure it can be. I am also really hoping China is telling North Korea to ignore the Orange Moron.

  • POINTLESS POST MOCKING A PERSON’S UNFORTUNATE APPEARANCE

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c23d4b92dd496c18f9222dfb0932c9855c290062f06a919e5d8ad070d17b50d0.jpg

    Looks egg-actly like him

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    I’m sure we’ll eventually have to start paying for her 5 fatherless children.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If she is turned on by the beard, Gorka could be the next on her baby daddy list.

  • Steven R Freedman

    That was SO FUNNY! 😂😂😂

  • leemoder
  • bbayliss

    hubba hubba

  • SeeTrain65

    “Well, when two repulsive figures love each other very much for about 15 minutes or so …”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Jason Miller: “At least I didn’t get in trouble for going to the titty bar”

  • The Librarian

    I should hate myself for laughing or commenting on their looks, but they’re RWNJs so I don’t really have that much sympathy. Besides, they created this scenario and subsequent aftermath, so let the sperm fall where it may, as long as I don’t have to step in it.

    • cats530

      I always say politicians (and their grasping staffers) put themselves out there, so they are fair game!

  • dshwa

    This is why “Love Boat, Vegas” never made it past the pilot.

  • Oblios_Cap

    She seems to have some fun bags,..

    http://wagpolitics.com/j-delgado-jason-millers-mistress/

    pics at bottom

    • SeeTrain65

      Too bad they’re under her eyes.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Not fun enough to interest me.

    • jodyleek

      Anything to distract attention from her face.

  • SeeTrain65

    To be perfectly fair, if they wanted to “bump uglies,” all they would have had to do is head-butt each other.

  • SkinlessGenderlessMan

    “If they had done it in the butt, none of this ever would have happened.”

    Lawyers. This is where they come from…

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Hey, only half of us are analborn.

      • therblig

        the first of our name?

  • therblig

    seems odd that the ever wondrous female body has the power to shut down rape conception, but lets something like this right past the goalie.

    • SeeTrain65

      “Five hole!”

      • leemoder

        Oh lord, I’m trying not to imagine what “The Cup” is in this scenario.

  • carogonza

    oh my

  • leemoder

    I may vomit myself inside-out.

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      Avatar making correct reaction face too.

  • Joshua Norton

    Oh dear. I’m trying to give up dick jokes, but it’s hard. So very, very hard.

    • TakingAmes

      ISWYDT

    • NastyBossetti

      How could it possibly be, after what we just read?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Good point. Fu Manmiller makes it flaccid. So very, very flaccid.

        • leemoder

          He needs to be roped-off as a fleshy slide area.

    • foiled again

      That’s why God invented Lent! Try next year, slugger.

    • wavicles

      obligatory; that’swhatshesaid.

  • SeeTrain65

    So, a face only a Muppet could love?

    • leemoder

      Directed by Peter Jackson, I shit you not.
      https://youtu.be/FON5KnEKReA

      • SeeTrain65

        “Why am I suddenly searching the net for Hippo porn?” ; )

        • Msgr_MΩment

          Because Thursday?

          • SeeTrain65

            MY GOD! IT’S THURDSAY ALREADY?

      • Shucky Ducky

        His greatest work, IMO.

    • TundraGrifter

      His lightbulb assistant had a son – the Microsoft Office Paperclip Assistant.

    • foiled again

      There can’t be too many crackpot mechanical geniuses in this reporter’s opinion.

  • TakingAmes

    This is what happens when all the sex education is abstinence-only, people!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    If they had done it in the butt, none of this ever would have happened.

    The rumored Bannon Method would have worked as well.

    • beingreleased

      Is that where you say “I am Steve Bannon” and the women laugh and walk away?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Yeah, if they don’t want to wind up in a bathtub full of acid.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    so he can put his penis in her vagina for six or seven seconds, ten at the upper end

    Putting his penis in her “upper end” for 10 seconds could have prevented all this.

  • Damian Hart

    I can’t get any action at all, but that fat, ignorant, useless, skid-mark does?

    • JesusWasAHippie

      So that means this guy is a Chad? He doesn’t look like a Chad.
      Choad, maybe.

      • foiled again

        Chud. Chug-a-lug. Chowderhead. Chum.

        • JesusWasAHippie

          Nah, choad.

          Definitely choad.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Would you want Republican operative muppet woman?

  • jodyleek

    Guys, guys! He was working so hard and such long hours during the campaign, and HE LOVED HIS COUNTRY SO MUCH!!! that he had to bone that muppet-faced lady. He just HAD to, for God and Cuntry!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      She bewitched him into a common Newt.
      He will not get better.

  • armed_bears

    Is Woodchuckman in the Marvel or D.C. universe?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Makes one want to upchuck some wood.

      • TundraGrifter

        That’s what she said.

      • Vacuous Virgina

        How MUCH wood ?

        Asking for a friend!

  • ltmcdies

    there is no measurement high enough to describe the yuk factor in this story.

  • All of them Katie

    Oh my god the “my wife and I are so #blessed by the birth of my bastard love child” statement was one of the cringiest things I have ever read.

    • Joshua Norton

      Don’t make that commitment yet. Year’s only half over.

    • JParkerSD46

      Oh, there will be divorce. And lots of settlement money.

  • Mavenmaven

    This guy isn’t the pudding beard of Christine O’Donnell’s witchy affections? So hard to keep all these weird people apart (literally, also too)

  • Edith Prickly

    Bye now, going off to vomit forever and never have sex again.

    • cats530

      My feelings exactly!

  • Brother Yam AKA Chet Bigly
    • RMKH

      Is that a Vogon from the movie I never watched because nothing could top the campy BBC series?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Hmm. Just needs a bit of head and facial hair.

    • Sharon Cooper

      Nah. Sontarians are way prettier.

      Burn!

      Or possibly Sontar-HA!

  • TundraGrifter

    “If they had done it in the butt, none of this ever would have happened.”

    Not necessarily true. As a substitute teacher I had to sit through a couple of “health” (sex ed) classes for junior high students taught by county professionals and one of them explained this isn’t true.

    Not as likely – I’ll certainly grant you that. But not guaranteed to not happen.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      hmm… unintended pregnancy and vaginitis!

    • FlownΩver

      These “county professionals”… Yoknapatawpha, by any chance?

      • TundraGrifter

        Actually, no. Competent, cool under fire, they did a good job. All I had to do was sit there and watch and listen to middle schoolers snicker. They knew what they were talking about.

  • TundraGrifter

    If anyone ever wonders why people put in long hours for low pay on a political campaign, this post will help explain it. Remember Corey Lewandowski and Hope Hicks? And the several other ready (or should I say “randy?”) examples.

  • cats530

    I think this is an example of a crotchbeard. An acquaintance on another site was always complaining about fake Christians and their crotchbeards. This definitely looks like a crotchbeard to me. Is it?

    • TundraGrifter

      “Prison Pussy.”

  • Family values…they are doing it wrong

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      How so? There’s TWO families now!

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Well, bless what passes for their hearts.

  • TundraGrifter

    Let’s not forget Paul Manafort himself:

    http://hotair.com/archives/2017/08/09/citing-white-house-insider-trumps-favorite-paper-alleges-manafort-sex-scandal/

    Along with Corey and Hope and so many, many others.

    What did they put in the water at Trump Tower? Boar Power?

  • mancityRed6

    I’m not gonna talk about looks, but at least I don’t need to buy special sized sunglasses.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Can we have a ruling from the judges?

    Better love story than Twilight? #thesevampiresdontsparkle

    • Shucky Ducky

      Only if one of those Miller babbies ate its way out of the womb.

  • Ωbjectifier

    As my gran used to say, “For every old sock there’s an old shoe.”

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      What are these ‘socks’ of which she spoke?

  • Opiwan

    The second to last line of that article… I am slayed by the awesome.

    HAIL EVAN! WE WHO ARE SLAYED BY YOUR WORDS SALUTE YOU!

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Butt her emails!!!

  • cats530

    The party of family values strikes again.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      In this case, TWO families!

  • btwbfdimho

    You put bush and sexual healing in the same line and magic happens!
    https://youtu.be/7aL3PjNTqwU

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      I’ll be in my bunk,

  • Jon Sussex

    I was told there would be no math. Was I misinformed?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      You just need to be able to count to 9.

      • efoveks

        Forward or backward????

  • Dartemus

    “Aw, come on…anyone can make a mistake with their condom ! ”
    -The man

  • Me not sure
    • A Bashful Nobody

      OMG! I thinks you has hit the nail on the head (or the pee-pee).

  • OrdinaryJoe

    It was that damn Obama’s fault they did that thing you do when you do that thing, in 9….8….7….6……5…..

  • Old town Urbandale

    Regardless, this just proves what Mommy
    always has said, about how no matter how physically unattractive you
    think you are, there will always somebody who will want to have an
    illicit affair with you during the Trump campaign.

    All I gotta do to get laid is hit the next Trump rally?

    Naw, not that desperate.

    • Sharon Cooper

      If you have hands and cucumbers exist in this world, ain’t nobody THAT desperate.

  • maman

    Can you use bleach for mouthwash? I feel dirty after reading that.

  • Shucky Ducky

    Their chins kind of have a Jack Sprat and his wife deal going on. Just saying.

  • SterWonk

    Tiffany Trump Tiff Maples

    </SNL>

  • A Bashful Nobody

    I hope the babby is not ugly……………..

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    “Regardless, this just proves what Mommy always has said, about how no matter how physically unattractive you think you are, there will always somebody who will want to have an illicit affair with you during the Trump campaign.”

    Parts of that are encouraging, other parts disqualifying.

    • HarpyLibtart

      Yeah, if joining the Trump campaign is my only path to sexytimes, hard pass…
      It is the golden age of high-tech ‘martial aids’, I’ll learn to make do.
      Also, that baby is going to look like Sid from the Ice Age movies, poor thing.

      • wavicles

        also marital ones. although some people tend to get authoritative so, martial may work too.

  • rubikcube

    Yikes! I wish the best but with parents with questionable karma and genetics, I fear this: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a8105db6a6760620251a4fe472a2c64983043061a34874f66607bdd74383a2c9.jpg

    • CripesAmighty

      Clint Howard libelz!

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      If I had teeth like that I’d prolly have a tronya habit too.

  • Tosca

    Sounds like the beginning of a Maury episode.

    • Vacuous Virgina

      Nah, Jerry Springer, where he brings out her lesbian lover!

  • FlownΩver

    But in which butt? Inquiring Prurient minds want to know.

    • Marsupial99

      AOT, K!

  • The Militant Homosexual Agenda
    • Tasha Naraganza, of Spain

      Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, I came here for edumacation on the sexy times, and now my eyes are lacerated with images I shall never unsee!

  • John J Publicus
  • Jeff Mc Donald

    It’s not fair that everyone is jumping to the conclusion that they had nasty adultery smex that resulted in this little blessing! He could have used the bathroom right before her and accidentally left a sampling of his goo on the toilet seat where it became attached to her lady parts. It’s happened before.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      When?

      • Jeff Mc Donald

        I had a girlfriend in college who told me it happened to her. Tragic, really.

  • Anita Ledford

    The poor child will have no chin.

    • Elvin B. Ross

      But she will be born with a goatee.

  • Guest Liberal
  • SadDemInTex

    Jesuschristonacracker, doesn’t EVERY strip club have a condom vending machine in the bathroom? (I’ve never been to one…it just seems logical). What is wrong with these people?

    • Guest Liberal

      Ahem..tRump supporters.

    • KenTFM

      Contraception is defying the will of the lord and therefore a cardinal, burn in hell for eternity sin. Boner pills on the other hand…perfectly fine.

    • jesterpunk

      The last strip club I went to had a box of condoms by the door so you could grab as many as you needed before you left.

      • SadDemInTex

        I respect that club.

    • phoenix00

      Pro-life?

  • CatDog

    Your suggested alternative is invalid: Trump surrogates cannot ‘do it in the butt’ because they are already talking out of the asses. Hindsight is all very well, but not when you are permanently engaged in ass-speak.

    • wavicles

      Wouldn’t it then just their oral? Just a moment ago I thought I knew how this is supposed to work, now I has confuze.

      • lurch394

        True, she could have just swallowed.

  • Run2Live

    How many other dick infested man mattresses hung out with the Trump campaign?

    • Manhattan123

      All of them, Katie.

      • All of them Katie

        I approve this response.

      • Vacuous Virgina

        Damn, you beat me to it :-)

        Great minds …

  • Elvin B. Ross

    Notice the resemblance?

  • Manhattan123

    And this, children, is how Mississippi stays populated. Except they would be brother and sister.

    • Tasha Naraganza, of Spain

      Mississippi foreplay: “Hey sis, are you awake?”

  • wavicles

    OK, well now I know how that works. Thanks, I guess? At least it’s entertaining and makes me appreciate my problems and my choices.

  • Elvin B. Ross

    Turn the photo upside down and stare at it. You’ll lyao.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I feel like, for the first time in my life, I finally understand how sex works.

    Thank you, Evan.

    • I feel like, for the first time in my life, I wish I didn’t understand how sex works.

  • gallbladder

    Two of the most dopiest faces I’ve ever seen. Can’t imagine what the kid looks like.

    • Willem Oosterhof

      I think it was born with a goatee.

  • What the fuck were they drinking that could possibly make either one of them desirable? I don’t think even hallucinogens would make that possible.

    • Hallucinogens have never ever made me want to fuck. So far anyway.

      • mardam422

        As far as you know.

    • Tasha Naraganza, of Spain

      I think the vodka goggles actually worked that night.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Fug & Fugger.

  • KarenJ

    A. J. Delgado actually looks like one of the Gelflings from “The Dark Crystal”. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b66eabd05462d3ce91b3c2a107c3e04977de7a47413f25ab13d14839a8b1228e.jpg

    • Sharon Cooper

      Nah. Gelflings are prettier. Also, they have souls.

  • davecity

    Uggh,The mouth beard thing on that guy. Why the fuck didn’t those die in the nineties. I mean jesus its harder to shave around that nutria anus mouth fur mound thing than it is to shave your whole god damn face. Or grow a beard, make up your damn mind.

  • Sharon Cooper

    Damn. And yet I’m still amazingly single.

  • rick

    …casts his eyes…

    ….casts his beady eyes….😜

  • phoenix00

    Who knew Newt Gingrich would be such a role model?!

  • phoenix00

    Regardless, this just proves what Mommy always has said, about how no matter how physically unattractive you think you are, there will always somebody who will want to have an illicit affair with you during the Trump campaign.

    So all it takes for this rather not-just-physically unattractive lad to get laid is to hit up a Trump rally? Not sure if want…..

    • Frank Underboob

      Yeah. The downside is that you have to fuck a Trump supporter. I’d rather jerk off.

      • phoenix00

        Agreed. In a heartbeat.

  • JohnE_o

    Ummm…Mazel Tov…?

  • John Strycharz
  • therblig

    There’s no easy way
    To lose your sight
    On the street, on the stairs
    Who’s on your flight
    Old couple walks by
    As ugly as sin
    But he’s got her
    And she’s got him

    I might like you better if we slept together
    I might like you better if we slept together
    I might like you better if we slept together
    But there’s something in your eyes that says maybe…
    That’s never
    Never say never

    • Carole

      I wish I could give this 1000 upvotes. But can you tell me . . . are the lyrics really “some say girls must be discreet?” Because it really really sounds like “sunsuit girls must be discreet.”

      • therblig
        • lurch394

          ‘Scuse me while I kiss this guy. I ain’t no Harlem black girl. Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

      • Frank Underboob

        LyricsFreak say “sunsuit girls”, & that’s how I remember it too.
        http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/romeo+void/never+say+never_20750082.html

        Romeo Void – Never Say Never Lyrics
        If time itself was his demeanor
        There’d be no sunlight or a glimmer
        Of sunlight landing on the street
        Sunsuit girls must be discreet

        Sunsuit girls must be discreet
        Nursing their fathers locked inside
        They masqueraded as his bride

        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        But there’s something in your eyes that says maybe
        That’s never
        Never say never

        Slumped by the courthouse with windburned skin
        That man could give a fuck about the grin
        On your face as you walk by, randy as a goat
        He’s sleeping on papers, but he’d be warm in your coat

        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        But there’s something in your eyes that says maybe
        That’s never
        Never say never

        There’s no easy way to lose your sight
        On the street, on the stairs, who’s on your flight
        Old couple walks by, as ugly as sin
        But he’s got her, she’s got him

        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        But there’s something in your eyes that says maybe
        That’s never
        Never say never

        Sunsuit girls must be discreet
        Nursing their fathers locked inside
        They masqueraded as his bride

        Never say never
        Never say never
        Never say never, never, never

        Sun seems to move across the sky so slow
        It’s us who’s turning with nowhere to go
        Sun seems to move across the sky so slow
        Us who’s turning with nowhere to go

        Never say never
        Never say never
        Never say never, say never, say never
        Never, never, never say never

        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        I might like you better if we slept together
        But there’s something in your eyes that says maybe
        That’s never
        Never say never

    • Frank Underboob

      Wow. Now there’s a song I haven’t heard in a long time.

  • Perkniticky

    Trump has turned America into a gigantic soap opera.

  • Wookie Monster

    Well, thanks for that. I think you’ve officially killed my sex drive forever.

    • mardam422

      Yeah, my weenus is now an inee.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Aww, they’re so cute, those two. It just goes to show that when your already-married boyfriend takes you to The Boom-Boom Room for a little B&L (booze and lapdancing), it’s a clear indication that he is sweet on you. At least, that’s how I remember the rules of dating from Junior High.

  • roberteye

    Such a sweet erotic coup to get of two of the more obnoxious Trumpers in one jism fest. William it will be OK, just pay attention to your parents and do the OPPOSITE.

  • maxinn

    This may be the best article I’ve read. Well done, sir. I say…well done!

  • mardam422

    I, for one, welcome my Muppet-faced, a little strange on the side, not-from-my-wife’s-vagina dependent, soon to have in child support whatever my wife doesn’t take in the divorce overlord.

  • RobGinChicago

    Chipmunk man would have preferred to go back door on screaming Muppet Lady, but that would have been too messy. “A,J,” stands for ass juice, though I heard they will name the offspring Dirty Sanchez.

  • Frank Underboob

    Does anyone know if Jason Miller was born with hydrocephalus?

  • Bryan Beecroft

    When two chinless automatons fuck and spawn, what do you get? A poster child for implants and lobotomy.

  • The writer man’s words make my Down Theres all twitchylike.

  • UpstateNYObserver

    Miller really ought to consider a chin implant. The goatee on that blubbery face only makes him look profoundly stupid. On the other hand, he IS profoundly stupid, especially with knocking up his strangely dysmorphic colleague and all. Wonder how much his soon to be “ex” wife will get for this? Republicans are so good at demonstrating “family values” ain’t they?

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