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GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! We survived another night without a nuclear catastrophe brought on by the hurt feefees of a 71 year-old man. Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.

Trump is threatening war with North Korea after reports began to surface that North Korea could tape a mini-nuke to a missile and hit Guam, or Seattle, or Chicago.

After Trump attempted to start a nuclear war over Twitter and cable news, US stocks began to tank as investors began to dump their cash into places less likely to experience nuclear fallout, like China.

REXXON arose from his slumber and roared at a press gaggle that “Americans should sleep well at night” because North Korea isn’t an “imminent threat.”

Trump has been sending Robert Mueller private messages to express his “appreciation” and “greetings.” It’s unknown if there were little boxes asking whether Mueller is investigating Trump’s finances, or if Mueller has a crush on him.

Devin Nunes sent two staffers to the London office of Christopher Steele’s lawyer to find out more about THE DOSSIER and never bothered to tell anyone about it. According a former CIA officer it was, “bad on many levels…He deserves better than being ambushed by a bunch of hacks.” No fair! Hacks are all we’ve got!

There’s been a lot of nonsense about the company that commisioned THE DOSSIER, and it’s important to remember that Fusion GPS was a hired gun aimed at Trump’s wallet.

Trump trotted out Kellyanne Conway, Prince Jared and Tom Price to tell America that we’re going to do something about the opioid epidemic, just as soon as we figure what that something is, and how to spell “opioid.”

Kay Bailey Hutchison is your new NATO ambassador, and she’s expected to keep all the peas in Not America (at least until Trump mean tweets the world into World War III).

You may be wondering how your state/territory is responding to Trump’s Election Integrity commission, seeing as how not everyone is bending over backwards to sell out their voters.

Some big names in the GOP donor base are worried that EPA chief Scott Pruitt will ruin everything if he’s allowed to keep up his pet project of leaving big, fat skidmarks full of toxic waste all across the planet.

John Sullivan, the State Department’s No. 2 official, attempted to reassure diplomats and foreign service officers that everything in the department is totally cool, despite numerous reports that they’re all losing their job as Rex Tillerson lies around with a thumb in his mouth.

Silicon Valley is dividing itself among traditional uber capitalists and hippie do-gooder SJWs; meanwhile the minions are struggling to afford breakfast burritos and rent.

Wingnutz in Alabama are clawing each other’s eyes out for Jeff Sessions’s Senate seat as they try link one another to Nancy Pelosi and “Mitch McConnell’s D.C. slime machine,” and to bathe in Trump’s golden showers.

Trump’s poll numbers are slipping AGAIN; he’s even losing the old white guys! So much winning.

Seriously, what the hell is Mike Pence up to with Nick Ayers? Is it a power play, a rescue operation, a gaymosexual bromance?

Bob Mueller’s financial records are out and it’s bad! You won’t even believe how many MILLIONS of Ameros he gave up to lead the investigation into Trump-Russia. He could be motivating rich white people on Wall St., instead he’s dealing with this crap.

Despite what you may think, Obama still deported more people than Trump, but that’s because immigration courts are currently so backlogged with new detainees that it’s becoming impossible to beat Barry-O.

The Mormon Church has “You’re Fired” one of its leaders for what is most likely adultery, burglary, embezzlement, spousal abuse, and/or gaymosexin’. However, without any official announcement, it’s just as likely he was caught with cup of coffee and a cigarette.

Israelis are kind of freaking out now that the investigation into Bibi’s ALLEGED corruption is getting serious; they’re going so far as to begin writing what-if’s and fanfiction.

According to the WSJ, North Korea released a Korean Canadian pastor it’s been holding on to since 2015 as a bargainining chip. [Archive]

It looks like Trump caved on threats to sanction China amid reports that it wouldn’t really do anything except piss off arms dealers rubbing elbows with the suit and tie crowd.

Venezuela’s new constitutional assembly declared itself all-powerful, calling itself the the most constitutional congress in the history of constitutional congresses ever.

Kenya’s opposition leader is calling the results of the country’s recent election fraudulent, amid allegations of hacking, violent protests, and fires blocking roads in and out of slums. Don’t give North Carolina any ideas, please.

Stephen Miller went on teevee last night to blow Trump and rail against the XTREME media.”

Sean Hannity appears to be slipping into madness after attacking Mitch McConnell as a “weak, spineless leader.” Poor baby!

Trumpkins on Twitter like to congregate amongst themselves in secret rooms that nobody else can see so that they can plot and scheme and meme to their black hearts’ delight.

Warrantless electronic searches are set to expire soon, and groups like the Heritage Foundation are quietly pushing to keep up surveillance on protest groups and Muslim communities.

Cyber attacks against health care systems are increasing and some nerds are warning it’s only a matter of time before your pacemaker’s beating out Bee Gees tunes.

JEB! came out of hiding to tell Not American-language cable news that Trump’s first 200 days have left him exhausted and that he wants Trump to STFU and “assume the mantle of leadership.” Sounds like somebody is a little jealous!

And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert thinks it’s a bad idea to start a nuclear warJimmy Kimmel went out to Hollywood Blvd see if Americans know where North Korea isSeth Meyers explained Teen Slang for OldsThe Daily Show sent Jordan Klepper to get drunk with a ex-KGB guyConan O’Brien tried Audiobooks For Dogs;

And here’s your morning Nice Time! Meerkats! Meerkats in a ball pit!

Help us numb our pain with your Ameros! Everything you donate comes back to you in the form of ‘splainerings and newses!

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  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
    • commatoes

      Espresso upvote!!!

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • Monsieur_Grumpe
    • bupkus231

      It wouldn’t do any good at all. Rump is the ultimate solipsist/narcissist – nobody else in this world actually exists, except as part of his delusions….

      • From Russia with Love

        “Plus, fuck all of you all. I’ve got a bunker!”

        • PubOption

          That’s why he spends all his time on golf courses: he’s never far from a bunker.

  • Nounverb911
    • BadKitty904

      Republicans and the Predisposition for Liplessness – Discuss.

      • commatoes

        The epigenetics of religious/political affiliations/views on gene expression?

        • BadKitty904

          Not a crowd much given to full, voluptuous lips, are they?

    • Vicki Lawrence’s Covfefe

      She should just put one of her towel charms on his chastity device to mark him as her own.

    • FlemmishSpy

      Team dour.

    • Oblios_Cap

      she’s one of Burroughs’s church ladies with her pinched face.

    • NastyBossetti

      It’s not that she doesn’t trust him. He is just a man, after all, unable to control his basest impulses. It’s the women she doesn’t trust. They would try to tempt him, and again, it wouldn’t be his fault if he succumbed to temptation because he is a man and therefore has no control over what he thinks and does.

      • commatoes

        Probably fixated on that David/Bathsheba story in that book they like.

      • “M”

        You’re a little too on the nose with that rhetoric there

        *shudder*

    • TundraGrifter

      Dude is obviously quite the chick magnet.

    • Pilotshark

      dam someone get a vibrator to that poor sexually frustrated women there, he look like he be happy if she release his balls.

    • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

      I had no idea he is married to Edna Mode from “The Incredibles”.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/801e189e1630059221100ae8612bd0a2910c8899e68aa6489c4f672cab860223.jpg

    • From Russia with Love

      So when they do dine together, I bet it’s a fucking laugh riot, yes?

    • commatoes

      She seems nice.

    • They do not seem a likely couple.

  • Ryan Denniston
    • MrTusks

      On the bright side, I’ve already practiced surviving in the Capitol Wasteland for a couple hundred hours.

    • commatoes

      Remember he told Chris Matthews “If we have them, why don’t we use them?”

  • Nounverb911
    • Phoenixdoglover

      Misspelled nucular.

  • Nounverb911

    Let’s play “Check the Date” again!

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/373743492151136256

    • Why can’t Nostradumbass just shut the fuck up?

    • BadKitty904

      See also: Anything to Distract from My Obvious and Ongoing Treason with Russia.

    • Pilotshark

      speaking of checking the date, Aug. 09 1945.

      “Seventy-two years ago almost to the day, Truman told the Japanese that “if they do not now accept our terms they may expect a rain of ruin from the air, the like of which has never been seen on this Earth.””

      • therblig

        regardless of what orangeanus does, “Truman” will always precede “Trump” in the encyclopedias.

    • From Russia with Love

      How would you suggest we prepare? Lead lined jock straps?

      • commatoes

        I got a couple of “lightly used” spares. I can hook you up.

  • Oblios_Cap

    After Trump attempted to start a nuclear war over Twitter and cable news, US stocks began to tank as investors began to dump their cash into places less likely to experience nuclear fallout, like China.

    Actually, China would one of the most likely place to receive nuclear fallout if we nuke N. Korea.

    Just sayin’.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    So, Trump’s trying to suck up to Mueller by sending him love notes and candies? Mother of God….this imbecile is not only an emotional 4-year old, he thinks everyone else is too.

    • TundraGrifter

      I learned a long time ago – most people see the world as they see themselves.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        My mother uses a similar phrase; “he views the world through the lens of his own malice”.

        • TundraGrifter

          Malice, greed, trust, fear – we all assume other people think just like we do. Trusting people can usually be trusted. Those extremely wary of others…that’s another story.

    • From Russia with Love

      I’m tired of nuclear war in the news. I want pee hookers and indictments.

  • Nounverb911

    Coming soon to a TV near you ‘The Trumpman Show’.

    https://twitter.com/NYMag/status/895263543125258240

  • TundraGrifter

    “Devin Nunes sent two staffers to the London office of Christopher Steele’s lawyer to find out more about THE DOSSIER and never bothered to tell anyone about it. According a former CIA officer it was, “bad on many levels…He deserves better than being ambushed by a bunch of hacks.” No fair! Hacks are all we’ve got!”

    Did one of those “staffers” have an attaché case full of cash handcuffed to his wrist?

    If they didn’t successfully conclude negotiations with Mr. Steele, that gentleman had better look out for strangers on the street carrying umbrellas.

    [This may be a repeat post – it’s early on the Left Coast.]

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Steele’s a former MI6 officer. Maybe the “staffers” are the ones who should be watching out.

      • commatoes

        Seasoned MI6 agent versus congressional staffers.

        I’ll bring the popcorn.

    • Finnibar87

      Poisoned tipped brollies for all!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Some big names in the GOP donor base are worried that EPA chief Scott Pruitt will ruin everything

    What did you expect after funding idiots’ campaigns to dumb down America for the last 30 years?

  • Nounverb911
  • snigsy

    At least the meerkats get along.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      It’s the ball pit. Ball pits make everything better.

  • Mpeg

    It’s OK Jeb. We’re ALL exhausted so-called not-my p.o.t.u.s.

  • Left Coast Tom

    Trump trotted out Kellyanne Conway, Prince Jared and Tom Price to tell America that we’re going to do something about the opioid epidemic, just as soon as we figure what that something is, and how to spell, “opioid.”

    In addition to misspelling “opioid” the White House “next up” text left off a definite article.

    If L’il Donnie only wants immigrants who know English then we need to start by deporting L’il Donnie.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    I thought pacemakers were supposed to pump out bee gees tunes. Isn’t that what they teach in CPR training?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmb1tqYqyII

    • This is why we have training. We learn from our mistakes.

  • Nounverb911
  • guppy06

    Venezuela’s new constitutional assembly declared itself all-powerful, calling itself the the most constitutional congress in the history of constitutional congresses ever.

    In before Trump threatens to nuke Caracas!

  • Crystalclear12

    Insults will not penetrate McConnell’s shell.
    Nor will: empathy, intelligence, grace or any qualities needed to lead.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Cash, on the other hand, is easily slipped in even when his shell is closed.

      • From Russia with Love

        There is a slot in the back just wide enough for green backs.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    There’s this pesky fly buzzing around my head as we speak, and I’m about to retaliate with fire and fury, the likes of which the world has never seen.

  • BadKitty904
  • Nounverb911
  • Gee, Your Hair Smells Horrific

    I’m not a body language expert, but Trump seems to be communicating less “This will not stand,” and more “I don’t care if it’s past my bedtime you can’t make me go to bed I hate you poopyhead!”

    • NOOOOOOOOO

    • Rick Hill

      Not accurate. trump wouldn’t have a “no” option

      • From Russia with Love

        ☒ Yes.
        ☒ Of course.

        • SeeTrain65

          “Pick two.”

      • shivaskeeper

        Yes and Bigly Yes?

  • Dutchman
    • Rick Hill

      That’s pretty twisted

      • Dutchman

        Thank you! So kind of you to notice.

    • OutOfOrbit

      i donut know what that is but it looks naughty

  • Nounverb911
    • MynameisBlarney

      I heart that woman!

  • Rick Hill

    “Trump trotted out Kellyanne Conway, Prince Jared and Tom Price to tell America that we’re going to do something about the opioid epidemic, just as soon as we figure what that something is, and how to spell, “opioid.””

    “Just as soon as they can figure a way to steer those funds for treatment and prevention to the trump family.”
    Translated it for you.

    • From Russia with Love

      Welcome to Melania’s Addiction Treatment and Breast Augmentation Studio.

      • Rick Hill

        The addiction treatment is “Don’t do that. What You still did that after I said not to? Ok, prison for you. Here, take a pamphlet on why breast augmentation is good for you, too”

        • yyyaz

          Bills Medicare for $237,968.55. NEXT!

  • Nounverb911
    • Rick Hill

      “We’re big and strong and we get to make the rooles! NOot that we want to pay taxes to have this military or fight in the wars or be the ones doing the dying as they’re sitting in their homes, or….”

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “TILLERSON SAYS PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS SPEAKING IN A LANGUAGE THAT KIM JONG UN UNDERSTANDS” But can he tell us what language Trump tweets in?

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Who you got in this year’s Hyperb Owl?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Wow, I had no idea that Un knew ‘idiot.’

    • ltmcdies

      I know a hyper idiot when I see one

    • commatoes

      Not the same without Dr. Evil’s sartorial style.

  • guppy06

    Trump has been sending Robert Mueller private messages to express his “appreciation” and “greetings.”

    Forget the TwitPhone, is there any chance anybody in his administration will explain to Trump that he’s not actually a mafioso, or that the mafioso routine is probably exactly the wrong tack to take with current and former G-Men in Chief?

    • From Russia with Love

      I hope not.

    • Courser_Resistance

      I’m sure that’s going over just great with Mueller’s team.

    • cmd resistor

      LIttle notes with pictures of horse heads on them.

    • commatoes

      Yup, the accepted norm is that the AGs and FBI heads are nominated by the POTUS but the DOJ is “supposed” to be independent. So, Dolt 45 is guilty of witness tampering and intimidation (public statements on Jim Comey) and trying to obstruct/influence an ongoing investigation (public statements on Jeff Sessions and the above). Trump is showing exactly how he has the best brain.

  • From Russia with Love

    “…opioid epidemic…”

    That’s a little rough. I kinda liked him on that show with Andy Griffith, but I wasn’t exactly addicted.

  • Rick Hill

    I notice one thing they aren’t concerned with about that opioid epidemic. Going after the pharm corps. who pushed it on Drs.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      That’s been a feature of the War On Drugs since the beginning: go after the users, not the pushers or the makers.

      • commatoes

        Brown dealers. The poor kid in college dealing to the entire dorm just made a couple poor life choices.

    • commatoes

      I want to see Purdue Pharma execs get some hard time. At the very least, more time than a kid with $50 in weed.

  • Nounverb911
    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Oh, yes, we are!

    • Courser_Resistance

      Darth pretty much sums it up right there…

  • Nounverb911
    • BadKitty904

      “we’re still going to get WW3,” Vlad. There’s plenty of nukes to go around…

  • Belasaurius

    well shit, guess this is goodbye. I have a confession to make. All these years, I’ve been peeing in the kitchen sink. See you in the next lifetime folks.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      As long as you took the dishes out of the sink first, we forgive you.

      • therblig

        running the water afterwards isn’t enough?

        asking for a friend.

    • Catstro

      After taking a whiskey drink? We’ve all been there. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9SJrtvLnJn4

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I took a piece of bubble gum from the lunch box of another kid in 1st grade. I wonder if it’s too late to apologize.

    • SeeTrain65

      Should have saved it for the shower. (NSFW)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ey_RExSiKLI

  • Nounverb911
    • MynameisBlarney

      JFC.
      It’s like having a goddamned kid with ADD runnin around.

      This shit can’t continue.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      That’s because either Jared or Bannon thought it would be a good idea to have a dick-measuring contest. Why should they bother to inform the national security team, or the Joint Chiefs, or the State Dept.?

      • Les Appentis De la résistance

        I bet it was Jared. He seems like the stupid selfish type.

        • cmd resistor

          But then it does a Burn It All Down Bannon flavor, also, too.

    • BadKitty904

      “preparing”?

      • ltmcdies

        if you can call uttering every stupid thought that forms in one’s skull “preparing”…alright

        • BadKitty904

          As far as I can tell, Trump has never “prepared” anything he’s ever said in his life…

    • cmd resistor

      Surely they knew the press would ask him about it. I actually thought he’d cancel the Opioid thingy to avoid having to deal with it.

    • commatoes

      That would also include Dolt 45 before the question was asked.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Another thing that Trump not only fails to understand about Mueller, but is contemptuous of: Anyone who would voluntarily choose being of service to their country or to humanity in general over making money.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    In a bit of good news Democrat Phil Miller won a special election for an open state lege seat in Iowa. It should be pointed out that this part of the state is deep red. It also continues the Dems’ success in these local elections with recent wins in Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, and Delaware. Hopefully, Florida follows suit next month.

    https://iowastartingline.com/2017/08/08/iowa-democrats-win-special-election-in-trump-22-district/

  • Bill D. Burger
  • SomeBigRedDog

    That body language doesn’t say “world leader” to me. It says “somebody forgot my extra scoop of ice cream.”

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger
    • BadKitty904

      Truer words…

      • SeeTrain65

        … are the ones this idiot will never use.

        • BadKitty904

          Point taken.

    • commatoes

      It worked for Reagan, Bush 41, Clinton, Bush 43, and Obama (except the GOP “blacktracked” on him).

      Yeah, a sad way to get a 10 point bump in the polls. Though I don’t think that it will work for Dolt 45. Even his best poll numbers will be under water.

  • Courser_Resistance

    ‘Meercats in a ball pit’ sounds kinky somehow.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “Meerkats in a ball gag” would be kinkier.

  • spangled
    • Catstro

      Please clap!

      • SeeTrain65

        “Please, clap …”

      • commatoes

        Clap. [singular]

        Though I like Jeb. He doesn’t seem like an ideologue and unlike his brother did not spend his early adult years in a cocaine and alcohol fueled haze.

  • SomeBigRedDog

    So is that where meerkat moms leave their meerkat kids while they shop at meerkat Ikea?

  • therblig
  • Courser_Resistance
  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    My gawd, y’all, here’s a sentence I NEVER thought I’d type: I’d give anything if Jeb(!) were president right now.

    • spangled

      if reagan returned from hell and declared himself president i would be like, “well- at least it isn’t trump”

      • cmd resistor

        I read briefly that Stephan Miller insulted Reagan on TV.

    • Pisto75666

      Honestly, i’d give anything if DUBYA was president right now. Yes he was a crap president, and not a very smart one. But I still stand by the idea that at least he wasn’t dumb AND evil.

      • TakingAmes

        He had Cheney for that second part.

        • Pisto75666

          *I* wasn’t gonna say anything. LOL.

  • chortlingdingo

    Y’all, how am I supposed to focus on work today when my horrible hyper-active imagination won’t stop picturing nuclear war scenarios. I feel sick.

    • eka

      north korea won’t do anything, they’re just calling trump’s bluff. it’s trump we have to worry about. but maybe if people like stephen miller keep going on the teevee they’ll have enough material in the propaganda folder to keep him calm.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        What if Trump nukes Guam first?

        • eka

          what if trump nukes california first?

      • commatoes

        Dolt 45 would probably lose a poker game against my four year old nephew. My nephew has a better poker face and Dolt 45 might as well have a comic strip thought bubble that reads, “I hope they buy my bullshit”.

        • eka

          so, you’re saying your four year old nephew is smarter than the average trump supporter? yep, i can easily believe that.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Sean Hannity appears to be slipping into madness after attacking Mitch McConnell as a ‘weak, spineless leader.’ Poor baby!”

    It’s pathetic how seriously InSannity takes himself when nobody else does. Listen to him “interview” (infomercial) a thoughtful Conservative (there are a few out there). They are laughing at him behind his back. Not long ago he offered to come to DC and negotiate a truce between the Republican Congressional factions. The gentleman he was talking with basically said “Nah – We’re good.”

    InSannity is a chubby Ann Coulter without the fake accent and vitriolic turn of phrase.

    • Alexander Stallwitz

      Sure you arent mixing up coulter and Milo? They both are blond and total attention whores. Its a easy mistake

      • commatoes

        The GOP intelligentsia.

        [No irony, just resigned sadness]

        George Will is no longer drinking the koolaid, but he is only relevant to someone over the age of forty with more than two brain cells.

  • CeeQ

    When I saw that “fire & fury” clip – I thought, he looks scared and looks like he wishes he was anywhere else but POTUS right now.

    And am proven right by the early morning dick swinging on Twitter.

    We’re all gonna die in a fury of fire because dumb fuck got himself elected by accident.

    • Bozilingus

      “We voted for Trump so that Jesus would return sooner.” – Republican Teavangicals

      • CeeQ

        They’re gonna get a nasty surprise when Jesus does return and he tells them all to fuck the right off.

    • amrak63

      I didn’t know Russia had changed its name to “Accident”.

      • commatoes

        His nickname among White House staffers is “Two Minute Man”. Whether that is a reference to his attention span or sexual prowess is still up for debate.

      • CeeQ

        LOL

    • commatoes

      The only time he doesn’t have that look is when his ego is being fluffed (porn definition) by his fawning acolytes and thralls.

      • CeeQ

        Truth.

  • Persistent Tennessee Rain

    This meerkat video has been meme’d a lot, most notably: “Me During Calculus”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4fAkxZxHDw

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Is it still in the crosshairs, or is North Korea eschewing Guam from its plans?

  • ltmcdies

    good morning good morning….we’re still here…Great , huh. I see Tillerson started the White House Walk That Back this morning.

    https://twitter.com/AP/status/895242231485001728

    • Rick Hill

      The trump walk back is a dance move all members of this administration(sic) must be able to perform flawlessly.

    • cmd resistor

      I don’t feel sorry for him but I would hate to have his job cleaning up shit like this.

      • ltmcdies

        nobody held a gun to Tillerson’s head to take the job….he had to have had some inkling what Trump was like

        • Manders

          There are books, plural, about Trump and what a terrible person/shitty businessman he is, plus his face has been smeared all over our media since the ’80s. You’d have to be deaf, dumb and blind to think Trump was going to be a competent President.

          So, I guess there a lot more deaf, dumb and blind people out there than I ever realized.

        • cmd resistor

          Or any of them. But still, cleaning out a bad grease trap would be more fun. But that’s what you get when you sell your soul, if you had one.

          • commatoes

            One star seafood restaurant’s men’s room attendant?

        • commatoes

          Putin held a gun maybe? He was former (OK no one believes that line anymore) KGB/FSB.

    • commatoes

      Yes metaphor has been a useful diplomatic tool. Maybe Trump has been reading some Shakespeare and thought “fire and fury” had adequate presidential gravitas.

      • Fire and fury isn’t in shakespeare.

        • commatoes

          His attempt at “Shakespearean”.

  • Résistance Land Shark Ω
    • SeeTrain65

      In all honestly, I’d be happier if it was a gain, but I’ll certainly take a hold.

    • commatoes

      TPP getting scrapped has hit Iowa hard as surpluses justrump t depress commodity prices instead of getting exported tariff free under TPP. Trump loses big to Kasich in a hypothetical Iowa primary.

      Though Ernst is still smiling for some reason.

  • ltmcdies

    so I guess those Mexicans weren’t taking jobs from Americans after all

    https://twitter.com/TIME/status/895096548056543232

    • Pisto75666
    • Persistent Demme

      But her emails!!

    • Zyxomma

      That totally sucks. I can get local organic produce from June to November, but after that I rely on what’s in the stores, and that more often than not means produce from CA.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      gee, just like it did in GA, ya know, the last time we tried this.

  • Bub, the cynical zombie

    Sebastian Gorka sez:

    “We are no longer a super power, we are a hyper power.”

    Good news! Thanks Obama!

    • Notreelyhelping

      Lay off the crank, Gorka.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Ha, his post-Hungarian English is suffering from a bit of translational hyperbole

    • commatoes

      He seems nice.

    • Does that mean we can jump to warp speed?

      • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

        I’m givin’ her all she’s got!

  • Everyone complains about Bernie Sanders, but the one people really need to watch out for is one of his disciples, (she’s certaily the loudest in any case) But Nina Turner has been a very vocal complainer about Democrats with firebrand rhetoric like so:

    https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2017/08/nina-turner-there-is-something-wrong-with-dems-who.html

    https://www.thenation.com/article/nina-turner-it-is-not-our-job-to-fit-into-the-democratic-establishment/

    (The Paste article is a bit weird, by the way since Bernie Sanders just reiterated in a seperate article that “medicare-for-all” wasn’t something that was going to happen overnight and that it would take time for a fully-fleshed out system to be manifested…much less approved. But then then again I suspect Paste is one of those Dem-shaming rags. They did join in on the Kamala Harris pig-pile after all)

    • HazooToo

      I’ve heard her name passed around on Twitter, but that’s the extent of my knowledge. Still, that second interview? Does she really think single payer and overturning Cit-U is important enough to endorse someone with whom you agree on NO other issues? That fucking worries me.

      • eyelashviper

        She’s been the darling of much of the far left purity ponies, but no doubt she will do something so totally egregious to piss them off…like thousands of other pols and media folk, even Bernie.

    • SeeTrain65

      Nina’s losing cred in Ohio. Lie down with dogs, and all …

    • ryp

      An endorsement from Our Revolution is something a candidate will have to overcome to get my vote. I do not trust them as the self-proclaimed stewards of progressivism.

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        ugh:
        “CM: How will Our Revolution relate to the DNC, the DCCC, the DSCC, that kind of establishment that so many activists and politicians, including you, have frequently criticized?

        NT: I don’t think it is our job nor our obligation to fit in. It’s their job to fit in with us. But the overwhelming majority of registered voters in this country, I think it’s 53 percent or maybe 54 percent, identify as independent. Now, we know independents lean one way or the other but they identify as independent so that means that both political parties need to do some soul searching. I’m certainly willing to sit across the table with almost anybody if we gonna work towards the collective good, but it is not Our Revolution’s job to fit in with them.”

        • ryp

          Not to mention, I’ve never seen data indicating over 50% of voters identify as independent. Polling fluctuates pretty broadly depending on how the question is phrased, but it’s usually somewhere between 25-40%, Dem ID runs about 30-40%, and Republican 25-35%. When pollsters, such as Fox, push indys to define themselves more ideologically, the number of “Independent” voters drops to 20% or less, with Dems a 5 or so point favorite over Republicans.

          I’d venture that the number of voters who actually give a shit who Our Revolution endorses is less than 5%.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      well, there’s this chestnut – first sentence of first answer printed and fucking wrong (as I just noted back in the Kamala Harris thread)

      “But we do know from the Harvard-Harris Poll that right now Senator Bernie Sanders is the most popular active politician in the United States of America”

      NO, NO, NO.

  • BMW

    Golly, I wonder how all those people telling is how great Trump’s been for the stock market will handle this news.

    • commatoes

      Blame Obama/Hillary/feckless congress/Chinese conspiracy/Illuminati/etc. Though nothing starting with a “p” or further because he lost the rest of the alphabet blocks as a child.

  • Andrew Rheinheimer

    Mike Pence was declaring a great number of high stock number days yesterday, because even he knew that today would be shitty after threats of nuclear war.

    Clever little bastard, the Trumpkins will eat it up without looking further, or saying that anything opposed is ‘fake news’.

    Ugh, can this presidency end any slower than it feels?

    • commatoes

      So is Dolt 45 going to take credit for today’s stock performance?

      • Pisto75666

        You have to ask?

        • commatoes

          I just want to relish the uncomfortable silence after the question is asked.

          It would make me happy.

          • Pisto75666

            You’re not the only one.

  • SeeTrain65

    “How states are handling Trump’s voter information request”

    32 comply, 5 undecided, 13 deny.

    We’re fucked, boys and girls.

    • Maggielle

      But a lot of the “comply” states made it clear that they were only providing information that was already publicly available, and that they wouldn’t give them everything they asked for. So that’s something, although we’re still fucked.

      • John Thorstensen

        NH sent unsearchable scans of things, as I understand it.

      • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

        Some require specific forms, and/or charge fees, and they seem to all be saying that they need those before they’ll even give them publicly available info.

    • ziggywiggy

      I was really pissed to see NY is complying after Cuomo said they wouldn’t, even if it’s just publicly available info, playing ball with them gives them some legitimacy and that is just all kinds of wrong. I thought Dems had learned that you just don’t go along, because trump is the kind of person that puts salt in a cupcake just so he can laugh at the person who thought they were receiving a sweet gift. As with anything trump does there’s always going to be something nasty waiting for you even if it doesn’t look that bad..

      • SeeTrain65

        Cuomo plays Democrat and governs Republican, it seems to me.

        I have no such expectations about my state. Husted was all too willing to comply.

      • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

        If it’s “publicly available info” then why can’t Kobach gather it his own damn self? I don’t quite get that part.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I have never removed my name from a voter roll when I moved, so theoretically I could be registered 6 times, because that’s how many times I’ve moved since I was 18.

      • SeeTrain65

        “We’re coming for you.” – Kris Kringle Kobach

  • eyelashviper

    We can expect more Trumplethinskin bombast, as the new COS is no longer a professional fluffer, as Rinse and Spicey once were.
    The “Good News” folder given to Dear Leader twice daily (picture Rinse and Spicey fighting over the folder, “Let me, it’s my turn”) apparently has disappeared:

    http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trump-received-folder-of-positive-news-twice-a-day-under-sean-spicer-and-reince-priebus-report/article/2630937

    • You deserve an upvote just for “Trumplethinskin.”

  • eyelashviper
    • SeeTrain65

      No, he’d just rather fuck around with China.

      Isn’t there a rock you should be crawling under/bludgeoning yourself with by now?

    • commatoes

      There is a difference between playing the Lotto, knowing you probably will not win, and playing the Lotto because you need rent money. Dolt 45 is dumb enough to accidentally go to war because the wrong person calls his bluff,

    • amrak63
      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Oh, I want this on a tshirt

  • The Librarian

    1. Sean and Mitch: Sean talks big, but I hear pot calling kettle Yoo-hoo!

    2. Glad I’m up on the slang now. Can beat spawn at their own game.

  • Pisto75666
    • eyelashviper

      Sick fuckers in the WH, they are far worse than the idiot kids who poke the hornet’s nest.

  • commatoes

    Does anyone else feel like they are in a novel by Kafka or a play by Sartre?

    I hope to the sweet goddam that the house lights come on soon or that we don’t end up with Josef K.’s fate.

    • RMKH

      Too late, we already elected the cockroach to be SCROTUS.

    • HorseChestnut

      It’s like a season of Archer, written by Kafka.

  • eyelashviper

    Please, somebody, fix the link above next to Colbert, it sends you to a composite of Trump video babble, with no warning or barf bag available.

    • PersianOregano

      Has our Wonkette been hacked?

  • andyshelt

    It’s definitely time to worry when the headline is “Unstable megalomaniac with tenuous grip on reality threatens world with weapons of mass destruction.” and you need to respond by saying,,………

    “OK. You’re going to have to be a little bit more specific than that”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4631b2180a2eb4b63d483c2d4d4e214fa83ae2328fd7561442a8c5071b33ca0c.jpg

  • Poly_Ester

    Devin finally gets to play Junior G-man.

  • commatoes

    This speaks for itself.

    https://youtu.be/y2lBz0532wU

  • mary5920

    I wonder if Dump would be a clueless as the people in that Jimmy Kimmel segment. And they giggle too, after declaring that we SHOULD consider military action against N. Korea. I don’t know really what planet they propose to inhabit afterwards.

  • andyshelt

    Trump:

    ‘Our two main weapons are “fire and fury”‘

    “Fire, fury and frankly power”

    ‘Our three main weapons are……..’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqreRufrkxM

    • BadKitty904

      “Fire, fury, power, and Russia.”

    • SisterArtemis

      oops…

    • BearWithPreExistingVotes

      Bring out… the COMFY CHAIR!!!

      • Saxo the Grammarian

        Bring out the mats so that our overtired manbabies can have their naps.

    • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

      Oh, bugger.

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      “Fire, fury, frankly power, and a fanatical devotion to The Putin.”

  • SisterArtemis

    Heads up, PNW Wonkers!
    It’s hump day (camels or sex, your pick), and we’re inching closer to the weekend and the Unoffocial Wonkette Drinky at Kiri’s on August 12th, in which we sieze the means of Drinky production and hoof it on down to Lebanon, Oregon (east-ish of Salem and Albany) for fun times, food and generalized wonker fun. If you need details, reply to this comment and I’ll get you connected.

    • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

      Can’t come, so I DEMAND Kiri post pics of his, um, horn . . .

  • rocktonsam

    DJT:” Melon darling I have something for you that has fire and fury in it.”
    Melon: “more like fizzle and flame out, asshole.”

    • ExecutorElassus

      Who wants to take bets that he got “fire and the fury” from listening to some version of “Way Down in the Hole”? He wouldn’t be cultured enough to have seen The Wire, would he? But he also wouldn’t be that creative with words, so I’m really struggling to figure out where he got it.

  • ExecutorElassus

    Guys, GUYS: look at the HuffPo’s front page right now! The article about how That Asshole was winging it with his NK statement!
    Look behind him, look at Melania. I swear that is a look of stone-cold hatred. The dissonance between that and his stupid fucking grin is amazing.

    • SisterArtemis
    • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

      Are there links to Deepak Chopra and Schmuley Boteach on the sidebar?

    • FelineMama

      I noticed this too! Compare & Contrast. Her thought bubble saying, “How the fuck do I get out of this mess”?! ” Damn I hate him”

      And his smiley face. Did someone clap or stand up?
      That pic of him with his arms crossed. Saw this on our local news (Spit, spew,gag). Someone told him, cross your arms Prez. Makes you look serious & tough!

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Too bad that Kim Jong Un can’t come to Trumpelthinskin’s birthday party because he is a FLAWLESS PAR-TAY ANIMAL!!!!!!!!

  • pinareno2000

    Why does the link to the Stephen Colbert clip direct one to a bunch of Trump propaganda videos? Have others noticed this?

  • NeoliberalBanksterCaptainHowdy

    One of Haydn’s most outlandishly inventive symphonies to be conducted by a hatemonger for a fundraiser. What could go wrong?
    http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/arts/la-et-cm-dennis-prager-conducting-20170808-story.html
    http://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-hiltzik-prager-santa-monica-20170808-story.html

  • calliecallie

    Late to the party today, after a lovely afternoon to teambuilding at a local park with my employees (alcohol free, sadly). So I came here first, just for the meerkats.

  • MegPasadena

    That link is not a Stephen Colbert link!
    You just tricked me into watching some shitty Trump speech from the White House channel.
    Not cool! Not cool!

  • Bill Diaz

    Why are baby meerkats not meerkittehs? That seems like a no-brainer, doesnt it?

    Have a great day!

  • Charlie Foxtrot

    I heard Trump is threatening to greenlight a sequel of The Interview.

    Now THAT would be launching a bomb.

  • It’s the worst kaiju movie ever:

    Trumpzilla

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