GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! We survived another night without a nuclear catastrophe brought on by the hurt feefees of a 71 year-old man. Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today.
Trump is threatening war with North Korea after reports began to surface that North Korea could tape a mini-nuke to a missile and hit Guam, or Seattle, or Chicago.
After Trump attempted to start a nuclear war over Twitter and cable news, US stocks began to tank as investors began to dump their cash into places less likely to experience nuclear fallout, like China.
REXXON arose from his slumber and roared at a press gaggle that “Americans should sleep well at night” because North Korea isn’t an “imminent threat.”
Trump has been sending Robert Mueller private messages to express his “appreciation” and “greetings.” It’s unknown if there were little boxes asking whether Mueller is investigating Trump’s finances, or if Mueller has a crush on him.
Devin Nunes sent two staffers to the London office of Christopher Steele’s lawyer to find out more about THE DOSSIER and never bothered to tell anyone about it. According a former CIA officer it was, “bad on many levels…He deserves better than being ambushed by a bunch of hacks.” No fair! Hacks are all we’ve got!
There’s been a lot of nonsense about the company that commisioned THE DOSSIER, and it’s important to remember that Fusion GPS was a hired gun aimed at Trump’s wallet.
Trump trotted out Kellyanne Conway, Prince Jared and Tom Price to tell America that we’re going to do something about the opioid epidemic, just as soon as we figure what that something is, and how to spell “opioid.”
Kay Bailey Hutchison is your new NATO ambassador, and she’s expected to keep all the peas in Not America (at least until Trump mean tweets the world into World War III).
You may be wondering how your state/territory is responding to Trump’s Election Integrity commission, seeing as how not everyone is bending over backwards to sell out their voters.
Some big names in the GOP donor base are worried that EPA chief Scott Pruitt will ruin everything if he’s allowed to keep up his pet project of leaving big, fat skidmarks full of toxic waste all across the planet.
John Sullivan, the State Department’s No. 2 official, attempted to reassure diplomats and foreign service officers that everything in the department is totally cool, despite numerous reports that they’re all losing their job as Rex Tillerson lies around with a thumb in his mouth.
Wingnutz in Alabama are clawing each other’s eyes out for Jeff Sessions’s Senate seat as they try link one another to Nancy Pelosi and “Mitch McConnell’s D.C. slime machine,” and to bathe in Trump’s golden showers.
Seriously, what the hell is Mike Pence up to with Nick Ayers? Is it a power play, a rescue operation, a gaymosexual bromance?
Bob Mueller’s financial records are out and it’s bad! You won’t even believe how many MILLIONS of Ameros he gave up to lead the investigation into Trump-Russia. He could be motivating rich white people on Wall St., instead he’s dealing with this crap.
Despite what you may think, Obama still deported more people than Trump, but that’s because immigration courts are currently so backlogged with new detainees that it’s becoming impossible to beat Barry-O.
The Mormon Church has “You’re Fired” one of its leaders for what is most likely adultery, burglary, embezzlement, spousal abuse, and/or gaymosexin’. However, without any official announcement, it’s just as likely he was caught with cup of coffee and a cigarette.
Israelis are kind of freaking out now that the investigation into Bibi’s ALLEGED corruption is getting serious; they’re going so far as to begin writing what-if’s and fanfiction.
It looks like Trump caved on threats to sanction China amid reports that it wouldn’t really do anything except piss off arms dealers rubbing elbows with the suit and tie crowd.
Venezuela’s new constitutional assembly declared itself all-powerful, calling itself the the most constitutional congress in the history of constitutional congresses ever.
Kenya’s opposition leader is calling the results of the country’s recent election fraudulent, amid allegations of hacking, violent protests, and fires blocking roads in and out of slums. Don’t give North Carolina any ideas, please.
Stephen Miller went on teevee last night to blow Trump and rail against the “XTREME media.”
Trumpkins on Twitter like to congregate amongst themselves in secret rooms that nobody else can see so that they can plot and scheme and meme to their black hearts’ delight.
Warrantless electronic searches are set to expire soon, and groups like the Heritage Foundation are quietly pushing to keep up surveillance on protest groups and Muslim communities.
Cyber attacks against health care systems are increasing and some nerds are warning it’s only a matter of time before your pacemaker’s beating out Bee Gees tunes.
JEB! came out of hiding to tell Not American-language cable news that Trump’s first 200 days have left him exhausted and that he wants Trump to STFU and “assume the mantle of leadership.” Sounds like somebody is a little jealous!
And here’s your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert thinks it’s a bad idea to start a nuclear war; Jimmy Kimmel went out to Hollywood Blvd see if Americans know where North Korea is; Seth Meyers explained Teen Slang for Olds; The Daily Show sent Jordan Klepper to get drunk with a ex-KGB guy; Conan O’Brien tried Audiobooks For Dogs;
And here’s your morning Nice Time! Meerkats! Meerkats in a ball pit!
Help us numb our pain with your Ameros! Everything you donate comes back to you in the form of ‘splainerings and newses!