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The trolls are coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE (of Representatives)

Remember how the Internet was going to revolutionize public discourse and make us smarter? Citizen journalists were going to bring all sorts of exciting local stories to light, since they were close to developing news the big outlets might miss, and democracy would flower as the voices of everyday folks would be welcomed into the mainstream. Oops, except that citizen journalists turned out to be crazies demanding answers about chemtrails and finding evidence of a massive pedophile ring in email mentions of pizza, and now we learn that a congressional aide went to a bunch of Trump-humping trolls on Reddit to ask for help in drafting an amendment calling for an investigation of Hillary Clinton’s many crimes. Wired has all the bizarre details of how one very excited young aide to Florida Republican congressman Matt Gaetz sought expert input — from a bunch of goobers in a Reddit forum — on actual legislation.

Last week, we dropped our jaws in wonderment as the House Judiciary Committee took a Democratic resolution requesting White House records on the firing of James Comey and added an amendment changing the bill into a request for documents on a laundry list of supposed Clinton “scandals” as filtered through Sean Hannity and Donald Trump’s Twitter feed. It was a weird dick move, but not all that out of the ordinary as procedural fuckery goes in Congress, where the majority can play all sorts of fun games. The bizarre list of demands was dumb, but well within House Republican abnorms, requesting documents on Loretta Lynch’s criminally calling her airport meeting with Bill Clinton a “matter” instead of The Crime Of The Century, as well as information on the bogus “Hillary colluded with Ukraine” story, any possible “immunity deals” offered to Clinton by James Comey, and so on.

But now we know why the list of crimes in the amendment — you can see it here — sounds like a litany of crazy shit from a rightwing message board. Because it is! Late last week, several Twitter users — they go by @regress_ceej, @espressoself, and @TrashWeightlift — noticed that a staffer for Gaetz, one of the bill’s sponsors, had asked for help brainstorming a list of Clinton crimes in the subreddit r/The_Donald, one of the main online homes for the Pepe People. An r/The_Donald user with the name “Devinm666” posted this request in a thread that has since been deleted, but has been archived here:

r/The_Donald fans were skeptical, but began helping out, and Rep. Gaetz confirmed to Wired that “Devinm666” was indeed a legislative aide named Devin Murphy, of whom the congressman is quite proud. In an email, Gaetz told Wired,

Yes, Devin is a staffer in our office […] It is the responsibility of our staff to gather as much information as possible when researching a subject and provide that information for consideration. We pride ourselves on seeking as much citizen input as possible.

That’s citizen input from an online hive of scum and villainy full of conspiracy theories, alternative facts, and lots of people whose usernames include this hilarious Pepe the Frog version of a Nazi naval flag, for laughs:

Once the Twitter detectives had more or less outed him, Devinm666 started deleting his posts from Reddit, and eventually his whole account, but screenshots and archived threads are forever. Before he left, though, he let his pals at r/The_Donald know that he had indeed made use of their suggestions (and later deleted that post too):

In another, also-deleted post, Devinm666 explained to the collected deplorables that legislation going after Crooked Hillary was

Actually quite abnormal within this Congress. Cucks abound, and they have not been defending the president. Hopefully that stops now.

Yes, he’s pretty sure the House has been Redpilled. He seems like a really fun guy, all in all. Wired found posts in which he called Barack Obama “Barry o’Islama” and a “Kenyan Muslim,” called Syrian refugees in Germany “raping savages,” and referred to the Senate Minority Leader as — get ready for some wit! — “Cuck Schumer.”

So it’s no surprise that such a fine young man would go to r/The_Donald for help with his legislative-aide homework. Along with the 4Chan board /pol (for “politically incorrect”), it’s one of the top gathering places for Trump fans, and has been a breeding ground for conspiracy theories including Pizzagate and the notion that murdered DNC staffer Seth Rich was the real source for all the DNC materials sent to Wikileaks, so there was obviously no Russian hacking.

And gosh, they were helpful, once they were convinced Murphy was who he said he was. So much Clinton crime!

And all of it is TRUE! Especially all the people the Clintons have killed. Oh, and also, Obamacare, which is apparently Hillary Clinton’s fault, too. And as it turns out, Wired estimates that about two-thirds of the issues in the amended document overlap with suggestions from r/The_Donald, including that list off the top of “Bigkr88’s” head (don’t worry, that “88” is absolutely benign):

The amendment also asks whether Comey had any knowledge of “the role that former National Security Adviser Susan Rice played in the unmasking of these individuals” on Donald Trump’s campaign team. This would correspond to bigkr88’s “susan rice unamsking [sic].” “Lynch obstruction” can be found in the amendment’s first point, which asks that a special counsel investigate “then-Attorney General Loretta Lynch directing James B. Comey to mislead the American people.” “Falsifying/manufacturing evidence for FISA warrants” would fall under the amendment’s description of “efforts made by any Federal agency(i) to monitor communications of then-candidate Donald Trump.”

The amendment also calls for a prosecutor to investigate the origins of the “Steele Dossier” at research outfit Fusion GPS, and whether Hillary secretly colluded with Russia to spread that dossier to the media, another idea taken straight from bigkr88. The amendment passed the House Judiciary Committee on a party-line vote of 16-13, but there’s no telling whether the House will take it any further.

In the meantime, the denizens of r/The_Donald are pretty excited about their role in making history:

Yep, they’re sure the Founders are very pleased with them for being such great patriots, and also the liberals at Correct the Record are quaking in fear, because Hillary’s finally going to jail, and so is everyone who voted for her, just like the Founders wanted. Or maybe the request for documents will go nowhere and nobody will remember the time Reddit Saved America. But it happened.

Now it’s time for goofballs on the internet to really influence lawmaking: Wonkette readers must convince the House Agriculture Committee, which oversees food safety, to look into the dangers posed by canned clams in linguine.


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  • Jenny

    Oh for fucks sakes.

    Where’s the whiskey?!?! Shit, never mind. Drank it all.

    Oh for fucks sakes!

    • Stulexington

      This is why all the rum is gone.

      • Jenny

        I already drank all the rum. There’s only vodka left in my cabinet! :(

        • proudgrampa

          I hate that when that happens…

        • LesBontemps

          Whatever it takes to get you through the morning.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          “In Heaven there is no vodka” has totally defeated me.

          But…

          ♫ In Heaven there is no ale,
          That’s why we drink it stale.
          And when all our organs fail,
          Our friends will be drinking all the ale. ♫

          • Querolous

            Tequila is right out.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        In heaven there is no beer…

        • MynameisBlarney

          Well fuck THAT!

        • Stulexington

          But there’s weed right?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            ♫ In Heaven there is no weed,
            That’s why we stand in need.
            And when Trump is well and truly treed,
            His kids will be smoking all the weed. ♫

        • Covfefe

          That’s why we drink it here . . .

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Hmm, can I figure out a variation on this venerable folk song? Let’s see….

            In Heaven there is no rum,
            That’s why we drink us some.
            When Bannon can no longer self-cum,
            His friends will be drinking all the rum.

            Little bit of a scansion problem there but OK for an off-the-cuff first draft. I’ll work on it a bit.

            In the meantime, can anybody do “In Heaven there is no Scotch?”

            EDIT: 3rd line should be

            When Bannon cannot self-cum

            Fixed It For Me

          • Rags

            Ach, in heaven there is no scootch
            We drank it to dear Scaramooch
            When 4-5 reveals his next win,
            We’ll just have to settle for gin

            Weak. Sad.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Possibly:

            ♫ In Heaven there is no scotch,
            That’s why I’m drunk, just watch!
            When dead from my long debauch,
            My friends will be drinking all the scotch. ♫

            Hmm, there might still be a dangling participle there. This is a tough one.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          No beer?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        This is why we can’t have the rum cakes we like.

    • aureolaborealis

      I bought an eighth of MK Ultra yesterday. Party at my house.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Yeah! Investigate her and him for the totally (not) illegal things like TPP and hanging the veterans out to dry!

  • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

    I kinda long for the days where Margaret was vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill.

  • Everrett Fanuelli

    Investigate Hillary’s connection to that Smashing Pumpkins cover band, “Smashing Blackberries!”

    • Oblios_Cap

      I hear she’s been performing with Nickleback.

    • Indiepalin

      I want to meet cover D’Arcy

      • PubOption

        Will she cover more of her chest than D’Arcy did?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    SOPA? Seriously?

    • Everrett Fanuelli

      Good with honey!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      These people are smrt!

    • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

      Wait – as in the bill that was fronted by Lamar Smith (R-TX) and never even got a vote on the House floor? The one that was virulently opposed by just about every progressive group on the planet as an unconstitutional infringement on free speech? That SOPA?
      What the bloody blue hell does Hillary Clinton have to do with that?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        It really is wingnut madlibs

  • Joe Beese

    Responsive to the concerns of the electorate! I like it!

    • Stulexington

      IKR, that’s some grade a political bullshit. I actually kinda miss it over the completely obvious trollish bullshit we’ve been fed recently. It speaks of craftsmanship rarely seen now a days.

  • Scooby

    What about the birth certificate? I didn’t see anything about the birth certificate.

  • Joe Beese
    • Oblios_Cap

      Doesn’t Congress hold the purse strings, not the Executive?

      • Spotts1701, Nothingburger Chef

        Yeah, but this is a weird situation. The payments are continuing due to a lawsuit filed by the Republican House against the Obama Administration. The District Court ruled in favor of the House, and the Administration appealed. The court entered a stay allowing the payments to continue pending appeal. All Donnie Two Scoops has to do is announce he is dropping the appeal and the payments stop.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Sooo, now will they impeach?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        1:45 a.m. I control the purse strings. Congress works for me. Very few people know this. I know this. This is easy, believe me. Make America Stringy Again. Loyalty.

    • TJ Barke

      Darn cucks! Don’t they know failing ocare won’t really fail until they sabotage it?!

  • Covfefe

    That flag looks like a Jill Stein flag to me.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    We pride ourselves on seeking as much citizen input as possible.

    Let me guess–this is one of the assholes who complains about people who attend his town hall meetings, right?

    Thought so…

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8bad3b16e5100fad6283eaaa07a1e134904a15603fc367f5d04d99388498d3bf.jpg

    • La forza del resistino

      “”We have a ‘No signs’ sign,” at townhalls replied district aide Laura Rakas. Obviously Ms Rakas is a descendent of Kafka.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Didn’t he also outsource his security at town hall meetings to a local motorcycle gang?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Jeebus, I thought shit like “propose an amendment that completely reverses the sense of the original proposal” was the kind of amateurish dick move that only happened in Model UNs and corrupt School Boards.

  • Bill D. Burger

    [Wired has all the bizarre details of how one very excited young aide to Florida Republican congressman Matt Gaetz sought expert input — from a bunch of goobers in a Reddit forum — on actual legislation.]

    Hmmmm Matt Gaetz…OH…the fucking pasty face Fla Rep, safest-GOP-district-in-Florida and drunk driving Matt Gaetz. HIS aide. Sounds about right.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/eedd72f6c7c1ffa3eb279bb47eb1b92d0794f0d4e6ed6ba6632318db33904d01.jpg

  • Oblios_Cap

    “Cucks Abound!”

    Not quite on the same cultural plateau with “The Dude Abides”, now is it?

    • therblig

      nor “Chips Ahoy!”, that’s for sure

    • WotsAllThisThen

      “Cucks Abound!” is the worst conservative-themed children’s book ever.

  • Zonath

    It looks like they’ve finally withdrawn the caution flag, and the race to the bottom is off to full speed…

  • Mehmeisterjr

    If Devin Murphy can correctly use the word “cuck” in a sentence, he has passed the minimum requirement to be a Congressional Aid. Also the maximum requirement.

  • LesBontemps

    Wonkette readers must convince the House Agriculture Committee, which oversees food safety, to look into the dangers posed by canned clams in linguine.

    Too soon?

    • Oblios_Cap

      That should be a capital offense.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Call it the YOU BASTARD rule.

        • Oblios_Cap

          MONSTERS!

  • Thurman Munster IV

    …laundry list of supposed Clinton “scandals” as filtered through Sean Hannity and Donald Trump’s …lower intestines

    There, fixed

  • Indiepalin

    This is same think tank that is heading the movement to promote the Second Amendment to the First, and vice-versa, switching the order back to the original, as James Madison intended.

  • Wild Cat

    I always found the political intercourse offered on reddit girls_gone_wild/18 to be much more stimulating than they’re conventional political forums. At least the boobs don’t pretend to be anything other than boobs.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      Do the boobs talk about fake bewbs?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Hey, Reddit is also where they get all their info on climate change, civil rights, and murderous immigrants, so they view it as a real resource at this point.

    • aureolaborealis

      Not Reddit, per se, where subreddits like r/science and r/politics and r/sex exist, but specifically the carefully protected echo-chamber of stupid known as r/the_donald. Just a big curated circle-jerk of snowflakes who will brook no hint of a departure from lockstep.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg
  • Weird Fishes

    Do any of these dried cum stains actually contribute materially to society? Or is it just that there really are that many reddit shitposters living in their Mother’s basement?

    • Stulexington

      I’m sure some of them flip burgers part time then blame the liberals for why they’re stuck in their mom’s basement.

    • chortlingdingo

      There’s an alarming number of them in the tech industry.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Cucks abound, and they have not been defending the president.

    BTW, Donald’s favorite poll has his ratings down. Guess it’s hip to be a cuck!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/28db1bd6f1a0c5eceabb630652b3bfae1498facabbad738f74657f79a7d1cb23.jpg

  • La forza del resistino

    At this point the only scandal or threat Hilz poses to society is not cleaning up after her dog during a walk in the woods.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Ha! Now she knows what oppressive nanny state regulation feels like!”
      — A Trumpkin

    • I’m surprised that’s not in the Amendment.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Mattress tag? Opening without cooling?

  • ahughes798

    What The Fuck?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Latverian Diplomat

      “That really hurts my feelings.”
      — Elon Musk

    • Looks like Jupiter got wasted and more stupider.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Hitting the nitrous a little too hard.

        • MynameisBlarney

          High AF!

  • Phoenixdoglover

    Senate Resolution #597
    THE CANNED CLAMS ACT OF 2017

    Section 1. Definitions
    Can -a metallic container into which a food manufacturer may place anything but clams.
    Clams – succulent bivalves not to be stored except in their natural shells until such time as they are ingested

    Section 2. Resolution
    Be it resolved that a can may not be used for storage, transport, or display of clams within the United States of America, its territories, or its possessions.

    Section 3. Penalties
    Manufacture, transport or possession of canned clams, or conspiracy to do so, shall be a Felony, punishable by a $500 fine, and addition of a tattoo on the forehead with the words “I am a Monster” in red letters no less than 0.75 inches high.

    • NEEDS MOAR TAX BREAKS FOR RICH WHITE PEOPLES AND THOSE CAKES WE LIKE!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Needs language forbidding the display of vegan Baby butthole and child yodeling.

    • Rags

      You know those monsters will switch to plastic cans just to get around this legislation. Or did you leave that loophole because you are in fact in league with the CANNED CLAM CONSPIRACY?

    • aureolaborealis

      Then, when it comes back from conference, canned clams will be mandatory, breakfast, lunch and dinner. And the only thing we can drink is the sulfurous packing juice.*

      * I hear it’s sulfurous. I wouldn’t know from experience.

  • Belasaurius

    this is how it all ends, someone turn out the lights

    • Oblios_Cap

      Idiocracy was a documentary.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • WotsAllThisThen

    Remember when Jon Oliver joked that we elected an Internet comment section to the White House? And we all laughed?

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    “All Clinton investigators killed”
    “Allowing illegals and refugees free reign” (that’s “rein” moran)
    “Inciting riots and racism with BLM”
    This wasn’t exactly a MENSA brainstorming session.

    • sadboy

      I’m wondering about the one that says ‘chucked into a van like a side of beef’. What is that about?

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I’m betting it’s a reference to that time she died on the sidewalk and had to be chucked into the van and quickly replaced by her body double.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I remember Hillary standing on S Florissant with a brick and a can of gas, egging on the rioters…

  • Joe Beese
    • MynameisBlarney

      They’re all liars.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Suck-a-lot is known for his amazing truthiness.

  • Belasaurius

    wow , looks like Hillz has a lot more people to kill now.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      She has scientists in her secret lair working on a virus that will kill them all. I saw it on the Internet.

      • TJ Barke

        I just read about that!

        • Ghenghis McCann

          “It’s true, we have confirmation!”

  • Michael Smith

    This isn’t actually how a republic should work. Have you ever gone into a comments section and referred to our system as a democracy? Its usually a Trumpist who feels the need to say “Actually, its a republic, not a democracy.”

    They like to say this because they think that democracy is dangerous because it gives too much political power to the stupid, easily manipulated masses. They think that this kind of democracy is the reason that “liberalism” exists – that liberal elites trick stupid minorities / other idiots into voting for Democrat socialist elite globalist cuck evil policies that immaculate these basement dwellers who see themselves as the true heirs of The Great Men of History.

    In reality, they are the ones who are demonstrating the dangers of too much democracy. The way a Republic works would place a check on their hateful rage, their baseless conspiracies, their rejection of reason-based arguments, by keeping their poison confined to a small group until it eventually dies. The authors of the Federalist papers cited this as a benefit of our system: the size of our Republic would aid in quelling dangerous factionalism because irrational passions would die out before being able to sweep the system aside.

    To that end, and contrary to what these Trumpists believe, the internet has not improved the Republic. It has made our Republic virtually impossible. The Reddit folks are not an example of how a Republic works – they are an example of how it fails, but they are a truly modern manifestation of an old danger. One that the founders couldn’t possibly have anticipated. So I doubt the founders are “looking down and smiling.” If there is an afterlife, and if people in the afterlife are concerned about matters taking place in the world they left behind, they are probably thinking “Well, there it is – finally something our system couldn’t handle. Well.. we had a good run.”

  • Joe Beese

    So who leaked Trump’s dictation of the “My son’s a good kid” lie? Just maybe…

    … Team Jared, widely suspected of having leaked the original news about the meeting with the Russian lawyer to the Times and now — maybe — following up with new leaks to keep spinning the story their way. Why would they do that? Read WaPo’s piece and you’ll see that it mentions at several points that Jared and Ivanka favored being honest about the purpose of the meeting from the outset, expecting that the truth would eventually come out. It was the president who overruled them. The Kushners have a funny habit of coming off as (relatively) competent and upstanding in after-the-fact stories about White House fiascoes. Look no further than yesterday’s Scaramucci meltdown, which they tried to spin, implausibly, as all part of a master plan to take out Reince Priebus. Maybe “Javanka” and/or their lawyers wanted it known that they had every intention of being forthcoming about the meeting. It’s the president who tried to lie to people.

    http://hotair.com/archives/2017/08/01/leaked-news-trump-dictated-don-jrs-misleading-statement-meeting-russian-lawyer/

    “I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart.”

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Team Jared still thinks that winning the news cycle is the same as winning in court. Leak away, Jared. It won’t save your skinny butt, but at least you’ll have lots of company when the shit finally hits the fan…

    • shivaskeeper

      CYA. Of course they are able to spin everything that comes out as if they were blameless. That is easy to do when they have time to CYA and make the right excuses.

      If I was able to retroactively explain what is was doing and why, I would never be wrong either.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I found it interesting that Princess Ivanka is apparently trying to pre-emptively weasel her way out of an indictment for conspiracy by spinning the lie that she hasn’t got much influence over her pa. Yes, honey, that’s why he has you take meetings with real world leaders and “hold his seat” at the G20. Because your influence is limited to choosing china patterns and using your nicest handwriting on the seating cards at his fancy-pants Big Mac feasts.

      • Joe Beese

        From Trump’s perspective: If you need someone to keep your seat warm, why not the shapeliest ass available?

        • Ghenghis McCann

          He would need the spreadiest ass available.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        “It was ‘Take your daughter to work day’ in Hamburg.”

        • Rags

          “It was ‘Take your daughter day’ in Hamburg.” FIFY

  • janecita

    Marsha Blackburn is a fucking moron! That’s all!

  • armed_bears

    I work for Congress and have been asked by my Congressfritter to come up with a list of Wonkette crimes/scandals for my boss in just the next few hours. The problem is, there are just so many. Anyone who’s reading this, can you take a minute to comment on what needs to be wonkvestigated? Here’s my list so far:

    1. Pants: what’s the big deal?
    2. The cakes we like
    3. Vegan babby buttholes
    4. Yodeling
    5. ????

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Canned clams.

    • janecita

      Dick jokes.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Drinkeys

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Why can’t we comment on Wonkette? It’s a scandal.

    • shivaskeeper

      You missed the obvious one. It’s linked right there in the article. The Great Canned Clams Murder Controversy of January ’14.

      People died there man. They died and the clams made it happen. Are we going to sit by and do nothing more than call out “YOU MONSTER” at every mention of the vile things? Congressional investigation or GTFO.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Seafood kills! That was coffee spitting funny.

      • armed_bears

        Argh! How could I forget such low-hanging fruit of the sea?

      • MynameisBlarney

        “Are we going to sit by and do nothing more than call out “YOU MONSTER” at every mention of the vile things?”

        But that means actually having to DO something other than nothing!
        Isn’t calling out “YOU MONSTER” good enough? I mean, it was good enough back then, right?
        Why fight tradition?

        • shivaskeeper

          I got called in it already in this subthread.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Ben Carson and the Case of the Mysterious Storage Pyramids

      • armed_bears

        Ooh! Good one, Nancy Drew!

    • Belasaurius

      the Saaaaaayyyyy, you know who else comments

      • armed_bears

        One of my all-time faves.

    • Ricky Gay

      Cheese made from Cedar!!!1!

      • armed_bears

        And a subinvestigation for gratuitous !!1! usages.

        • Querolous

          Àʼnđ Ȗmļàūţŝ!

          • armed_bears

            More diacritical snark always needed.

          • amrak63

            “Diacritical Snark” would be a great name for a rock band.

            Sorry; I keep thinking this is Dave Barry’s blog.

    • Belasaurius

      Apperently Wonkette baby was at one time some sort of human-lion hybrid baby

      • armed_bears

        Top o’ the list!

      • Jenny

        Alex Jones seen it with his own eyes!!

        • Alicejdahlberg

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !at290d:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !at290d:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash590TopForcePay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::!at290l..,….

    • WotsAllThisThen

      I’ll be in my bunk… uh… brainstorming

      • Ricky Gay

        Is that what they’re calling it now?

    • janecita

      Evan’s twisted crush on Jared Kushner.

    • chortlingdingo

      Also, too, all those acronyms. What could they possibly mean?

      • Ricky Gay

        I know AOT,K!

    • sadboy

      6. Political instability in Westeros

    • Ricky Gay

      … leading comments like yours that provoke mirth!

    • WotsAllThisThen

      What did the President spank to and when did he spank it?

    • Jenny

      What about the illicit whore diamond trade?!?

    • Creepoman

      11!1. Mentioning Kirby Delauter’s name.

      • armed_bears

        Kirby Delauter’s name? Well, Kirby Delauter’s name may be particularly of interest for our East Coast investigative committee, Kirby Delauter subgroup.

    • Red Bird

      Also too, don’t forget walnuts.

      • armed_bears

        Committee Chairman Walnutz to you, thank you very much.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      Brad and/or Lori

      • armed_bears

        The classics that just keep entertaining!

    • formerChild

      ?) Whatever happened to Vlad the Impala??

    • SeeTrain65

      15. “A Idiot:” The Wonkette Style Guide
      248. Can you really make cheese out of Cedar planks?

    • svejk

      12. Bronies Lyft Alles!
      13. Life in the Ken Layne

  • spangled

    this is the dumbest, worst possible reality

    • TJ Barke

      No, that reality already had a nuclear war. We’re in the top 10 dumbest realities, though.

      • amrak63

        No, we had the nuclear war.

        And we’re all dead, and this is Hell.

        • TJ Barke

          (Shhhhh, don’t tell them that!)

    • Lance Thrustwell

      The other multiverses laugh at us!

  • Great, the incels are going to call for legislation to provide government-subsidized concubines.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      If I already have a concubine, can I get retroactive subsidies added in the amendment process? We’re going on vacation soon and every little bit helps.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        Concubines? Aren’t they those insectivores that have spines on their back?

        • WotsAllThisThen

          DON’T JUDGE ME!

          • Ghenghis McCann

            Nobody’s here to judge you. (There might be a little talk behind your back, but it’ll eventually go away. Eventually.)

        • aureolaborealis

          Hahah. Silly. You’re thinking of porpentines. Fretful porpentines.

    • Edith Prickly

      They’ll never get that budget through.

    • amrak63

      They developed a prototype robotic concubine and gave her to a young Reddit shitlord, but she rebelled.

      This was the last thing Pepe McMaga saw:

      http://i.imgur.com/ZuTg1N9.jpg

  • BigCSouthside

    So we come off one of the worst weeks a president can have that didn’t t involve the law or a bullet, and then

    Monday: fire THIRD comms director in 6 months
    Tuesday: find out the president obstructed justice, colluded with a propaganda network to cover his ass, AND members of his party have basement dwelling rat fuck racist Nazi human pieces of trash that are herpes sores on the entire fucking species drafting legislation to imprison a political rival.

    Can’t wait for Wednesday

  • Crystalclear12

    Several moms across this great nation need to clean out their basements!

    • Belasaurius

      with fire?

      • ziggywiggy

        with votes

  • Ricky Gay

    Bad Devin! No more Clearasil or Mt. Dew for you young man. Or tube socks!

  • BosGrl

    Smashing Blackberries is a great name for a Smashing Pumpkins cover band…

  • Now, of course, by pointing out the dickheads helping to write dickhead legislation, the dickheads believe that they’ve “won” *again*, because we’re “triggered” by their dickheadedness.

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      That’s where ridicule works better than outrage. Yes we’re outraged, and rightfully so, but Republicans were stoopid and they should be made to feel stoopid.

      • They can’t tell the difference between outrage and ridicule.

        • Lance Thrustwell

          Ridrage? Outicule?

  • Jesus Christ, America… fix your goddamned life.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Learn to at least sit up straight on a horse, you dope. Show some respect (for the horse)

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      and then he mucked a clean stall for the cameras…

    • WotsAllThisThen

      He’s no Mike Dukakis.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    The Pee Pee People

  • ariel_gee_398

    This is why we have no hope of having a normal, functioning Congress any time soon. As long as 40-55% of the elected members refuse to live in reality and take their jobs seriously – really seriously, not wingnut seriously – we’re hosed. People who view politics as a zero-sum game have no business holding elected office.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      And these members of Congress have perfectly safe seats, so their voters SUPPORT this shit. It’s push-back against Liberal elites… Ya, it’s hard to believe that these Red States can ever be rehabilitated into anything resembling sane rational governance. I say let them go be their own Venezuelan States of North America.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Remember when Cons shrieked we were the reason why the idiot society in Idiocracy came to being?

    I guess con nazis were too busy bating to Hilsbot’s emails to remember.

  • Skwerl the Taco Hunter
  • Interesting that this guy added ‘666’ to his name on reddit. I thought drumpf supporters were all God-fearing…

  • OrG

    Delusional dipshits.

  • Edith Prickly
    • OutOfOrbit

      i could not finish it neither

  • susan_g

    Devin and his alt-pals really need to get laid but that’s not very likely, is it?

  • greyXstar

    Dammit Florida, this is why we can’t have nice things

  • snigsy

    At least Devin spelled “a lot” correctly; I’ll give him that.

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    It’s canned clams all the way down. Dok? YOU MONSTER!!!111ELEVENTY!!!1111 ASTERISK!!!SIGIL OF BAPHOMET!!!

  • Old Man Yells at Cloud

    I hope they included her involvement in the Lindberg baby kidnapping!

    • Jennaratrix

      I have it on good authority that she also knows where Hoffa is buried, and she was implicated in Amelia Earhart’s disappearance.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Also too, New Coke.

        • Jennaratrix

          THAT BITCH.

        • amrak63

          She was seen near the grassy knoll. Just sayin’…

  • anon_the_great

    Weird thing is I have hear every indictment on scum-reddit’s exhaustive list on CNN

    • Snopes Shop

      That’s the real problem

  • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

    Remember when we used to lock the crazies up for fear that they’d infect others with their insanity? Maybe we should go back to that.

    • Snopes Shop

      Only I’d be locked up, too.

      • Pre-Existing Condition Jack

        Nah, we just apply this to those bastards bereft of a soul.

  • LiberalismIsMorallyBroken

    Yo Hillary, go fuck yourself you fat ugly hag.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Sounds like someone wants inside Donald Trump’s panties… Love is sweet… Nuzzling the D’s little dick…

    • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

      Come on, you’re not even trying.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Banhammer time, editrix

      • CripesAmighty

        Oh, I dunno, I think one should always be given an opportunity to improve. If he can’t do better than 4chan derp level on the next attempt, then, flush.

    • D0ngR

      How’s that anime pillow working for ya?

      • Jennaratrix

        Are you kidding? Even the pillow bailed.

    • Mavenmaven

      We can assume you are that 400 lb guy living in his momma’s basement that Trump keeps talking about?

    • CripesAmighty

      Low quality. Low energy. Sad.
      0 troll points.

    • Jennaratrix

      Boring. 0/10, would not read again.

    • You’ve had months and months living in your mother’s basement, and this is the best you got?

      How about “Yo, dissembling harlot, thou art false in all!” That would be an impressive insult.

      • Lefty Wright

        Typical for right wingers. The entire Republican party had seven years to come up with a better health insurance plan and look what they came up with. To appropriate an old meme, a monkey with a typewriter sitting in it’s mom’s basement could have created a better health insurance plan by randomly hitting keys than the GOP did over seven years.

        • amrak63

          The monkey could also create a better quality of troll posts.

      • Komsumverweigerer Ron

        It’d be even more impressive if it used contemporaneous contractions, like ‘thou’rt.’ And maybe ‘I’sooth’ instead of ‘Yo.’

    • btwbfdimho

      …go fuck yourself…

      A. Scaramucci, I presume?

      • clubseal

        I’m guessing Turgid Love Muscle’s newest name.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          It has his ‘style.’

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      Turgid, Turgid… come on… you’re better than that. That shows almost no effort at all!

  • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

    “The clenched fist of Washington”, you say?

    More like the limp handshake of Fritz J. Kuhn.

  • Sister Suffragette

    That’s an awful lot of hot dogs.

  • Red Bird

    I hate to bring race into this but seriously, this is what happens when young white men are raised to believe that life should be easy.

    • Boscoe

      To be fair, this country is full of evidence to fuel their confirmation bias…

  • Mavenmaven

    I hear that Smashing Blackberries are getting back together and going on tour.

  • JMP

    That’s the kind of banana republic we’re living in now; one party actually thinks their political opponents should go to jail just for having different opinions from them, so they decide to invent all sorts of insane accusations to hurl at extremely ethical public servants who have never committed any crimes to find some excuse to prosecute them.

  • Randy Riddle

    Jesse Helms used to get help drafting legislation to leave the UN and get AIDS out of the water supply from Confederate flag-waving conspiracy theorists in North Carolina bar-b-que joints, so no big deal.

  • SadDemInTex
    • Edith Prickly

      Someone please rescue those poor animals.

      • Jeffery Campbell

        I even feel sorry for the gun.

    • btwbfdimho

      You mean, the cat?

    • Boscoe

      “Hey ladies, I’m available!”

    • GreyWolfSC

      Those poor animals. :(

  • HazooToo

    Swiftly running out of hope for the future of the species.

  • Ergoetal

    How about solving the problem that my car won’t start in rainy weather?

    • You need new spark plug wires.

      • Jennaratrix

        Unless it’s a K car; those don’t start in the rain no matter what you do.

        • Bitter Scribe

          Are any of those still on the road?

          • CripesAmighty

            Zillions. They just stuck an ersatz Jeep body on it, called it ‘patriot’, and the goobers scoop em up.

        • Nobody still has a K car, do they?

          • Jennaratrix

            I sure as hell hope not.

        • Yellerduck

          Strangely enough, if you had a running K car in good condition, it may be worth more now than it was brand new, just for the novelty of it. Cadillac Cimarron anyone?

          • Querolous

            The Cimmaron was a J-body car from GM.Aries/Reliant was a K- car from Chrysler.

          • Yellerduck

            But they looked so much alike! I just assumed…

      • Yellerduck

        That, or if it is a points-plugs-condenser car of a certain age, you may be getting condensation in the distributor cap. You can spray it out with WD-40 (the “WD” stands for Water Dispersant.)

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      It’s English, isn’t it?

  • Fartknocker

    I sure hope these folks tackle fluoridation of water.

    • Ducksworthy

      I’m starting to think that was a mistake. It was easier to identify them when they had fewer teeth.

  • btwbfdimho
  • btwbfdimho
  • Bitter Scribe

    Why don’t they cut out the middlemen and just hire Reddit idiots directly?

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      Can’t pass the drug test.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        And won’t leave their basements.

        • Ducksworthy

          Can no longer fit through the door.

        • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

          Mommy* won’t allow it.

          *could be actual mother, or *shudder* spouse. À la Pence.

        • Komsumverweigerer Ron

          That’s where they keep their drugs!

      • GreyWolfSC

        …or the smell test, an IQ test, etc…

    • phoenix00

      … like Corey Lewandowski?

  • Boscoe

    So here is the piece I just cannot get to fit: While I’m sure it is hilarious fun to troll the deepest sewers of the internets for some ridiculous anti-Hillary conspiracy nonsense, what is going on in ANYONE’S brain that would lead them to think that actually installing the steaming pile of Reddit-sludge they excavated into ACTUAL LEGISLATION won’t just blow up in their faces and make them look even stupider and more incompetent than they already do?

    I mean, I realize they don’t care because the people who vote for them are even stupider than THEY are, but still, the brutal mockery from the rest of the world cannot be any fun to endure…

  • Boscoe

    “Now it’s time for goofballs on the internet to really influence lawmaking: Wonkette readers must convince the House Agriculture Committee, which oversees food safety, to look into the dangers posed by canned clams in linguine.”

    *I* want to know who REALLY shot JR, and what The Flaming Carrot’s secret identity is.

  • boredcatlady

    “…we are changing politics as we shitpost. God Bless America.” (Vomit) Ugh these dudes. Their smug self-satisfaction is almost as bad as their politics. But, on the bright side, no matter what we all may individualy struggle with in our day-to-day, won’t ever be as crazy as the donald redditors. There’s solace in that, at least. :)

  • Lyly Sirivong

    Ooh, we can we play too ? Can we find a democrat who can submit amendments from Wonketeers ? I’d propose amendments requesting Trump to pay 80% of his assets in taxes, stop watching Fox News, and eat Brussels sprouts at least once a week. No more KFC on AF1.

  • clubseal

    $65,000 on hot dogs? Sign me up; I’m hungry.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      For 65 large they better be all-beef foot-longs.

  • deadjello

    Glad I clicked on that linguine/clam link; I’ve been puzzling over the “canned clams–you monster!” comments on here for months. Now I know the rest of the story.

    • Komsumverweigerer Ron

      THere’s a simple silly explanation for everything!

      • mardam422

        Over at TPM, Josh has a standing rule regarding anything Trump-related. The stupidest explanation that fits the facts is the one. Hasn’t failed yet.

    • JustDon’tSayDignity

      Just don’t get us started on peas in guacamole.

      • sgt. jmk of the résistance

        Just visualize whirled peas.

  • whitroth

    Hey, shouldn’t we, the Wonketteers, be helping draft legislation, too? Here’s a couple off the top of my head….

    A Bill to repeal the Hyde Amendment
    Being as the First Amendment bans legislation on religion, and being that the United States “is in no wise a Christian nation” (Article 11, Treaty of Tripoli, 1797), and the majority of atheists, agnostics, and Jews have no issues with abortion, it is clear that the Hyde Amendment is a violation of basic principles, and is hereby repealed.

    As such, tax dollars may be used for womens’ medical services, including birth control, D&C, and abortion.

    There, wasn’t that easy?

    • SprinklemagicResistancebuns

      Some xtians also have no problem. Some actually have a differeant attitude toward science, and/or to when the fetus is “ensouled”, or at least realize that it depends on the circumstances. They just don’t scream as loudly.

      • whitroth

        I do understand that. However, given the sheer VOLUME of the funnymentalists, this makes a shorter and clearer statement. I mean, heavens forfend, let me clutch my pearls, you don’t think those assholes even know how to *spell* the word “nuanced”, do you?

    • kaydenpat

      We should be doing just that. At least our legislation would be beneficial to the majority of Americans because we’re not hateful scum like the redditors featured in this post.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Canned clams in linguine? Is that some sort of weird sex act? I missed the last meeting.

    • Lily412

      I think it’s referencing a recipe that was posted in an article from when Pinkham still worked for Wonkette. The recipe called for canned clams instead of fresh or whatever. It caused a lot of controversy…the amusing kind.

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    I have to admit that part of my happiness at the idea of bringing the Trumpster Fire to justice is the thought of toxic fuckwits like these having to eat their own venomous words.

    And…canned clams? YOU MONSTERS!!

  • Ducksworthy

    I hope they will spend some time getting to the bottom of the Dreaded Risotto Disaster.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Despite the fact that it’s a pack of lies, it’s still not as bad as conspiring with Russia to launch a cyber-warfare attack on Americans. That’s treason.

  • unionthuggery

    These assholes again?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      This implies that we were, at some point, rid of them, which, sadly, I do not think is accurate.
      These assholes STILL is nearer the mark.

      • unionthuggery

        I’ll admit it. You sir are correct.

  • Lambsendbeds

    Is it weird that I read the last sentence of this post as “the dangers posed by canned clams in lingerie”?

    • svejk

      perfectly normal in all places where comments are not allowed. no sweat.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “Getting chucked into a van like a side of beef” doesn’t really sound like a crime, even if you disapprove of that sort of thing on moral or religious grounds. But if Hillary did it, I suppose it must be considered nefarious.

    • Ernestinarvictor

      Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !at288d:
      On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
      !at288:
      ➽➽
      ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash588MediaFindPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::!at288l..,.

  • SisterArtemis

    Hey wonkers, Joy Reid shared this article with her Facebook followers about an hour ago. Guess we can count her among our fellow fans. :-)

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      HI JOY!! AND RACHEL!! AND LUCY!!!

      They all have such excellent taste!!

  • Lily412

    Oh em gee! That guy that posted: “Unsung heroes!”
    LOL FOREVER. They legit think their tin-foil bullshit will go down in history as something important.

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